0:00:02 > 0:00:04- LARRY:- Today's Hacker Time features
0:00:04 > 0:00:07scenes of a disturbingly unfunny nature.
0:00:07 > 0:00:10Everybody. Everybody! I need your full attention.
0:00:10 > 0:00:14I've got an important announcement to make.
0:00:14 > 0:00:15Hello?
0:00:15 > 0:00:17Hello? What are you all doing?
0:00:17 > 0:00:21We're playing that new game, Meat Mash. Look,
0:00:21 > 0:00:24I only need three more sides of beef to get to level 74.
0:00:24 > 0:00:28Well, surely you can play AND listen to my announcement?
0:00:28 > 0:00:29Not a chance, Derek.
0:00:29 > 0:00:32My line of pork chops is being threatened
0:00:32 > 0:00:35by the evil venison steak.
0:00:35 > 0:00:38At least YOU'LL listen to my announcement, won't you, Lolly?
0:00:38 > 0:00:39Lolly?
0:00:39 > 0:00:40LORRAINE!
0:00:42 > 0:00:43Well, thank you, Derek(!)
0:00:43 > 0:00:46You just stopped me getting the golden ham hock terrine.
0:00:46 > 0:00:50Derek, you have my complete, undivided attention.
0:00:50 > 0:00:53Nothing will distract me from what you're about to say.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55Good, because I just wanted to tell you...
0:00:55 > 0:00:59Oh, look - everything else in the entire world that isn't Derek!
0:00:59 > 0:01:03Nyaaaaa!
0:01:03 > 0:01:04I only wanted to say
0:01:04 > 0:01:08that I've got to level 75 on Meat Mash!
0:01:08 > 0:01:09I've beaten all of you!
0:01:09 > 0:01:11THEY SIGH
0:01:11 > 0:01:13Ho-ho! Run the titles!
0:01:16 > 0:01:17# You gotta watch this... #
0:01:17 > 0:01:19Pffft!
0:01:19 > 0:01:21# ..You gotta watch this
0:01:23 > 0:01:26# You gotta watch this
0:01:26 > 0:01:29# My, my, my, my programme hits you So hard
0:01:29 > 0:01:31# Makes me say Oh, my word!
0:01:31 > 0:01:33# Thank you for watching me It's telly
0:01:33 > 0:01:35# But not what you normally see
0:01:35 > 0:01:37# It feels good And there's out-takes, too
0:01:37 > 0:01:39# Comedy, guests and clips It's true
0:01:39 > 0:01:41# So sit back, don't move too much This is the show
0:01:41 > 0:01:42# Ha! You can't touch
0:01:42 > 0:01:44# Stop! Hacker Time! #
0:01:44 > 0:01:46Thank you.
0:01:46 > 0:01:49Stand by, everyone. We're on air in five...
0:01:49 > 0:01:51four...
0:01:51 > 0:01:53three...
0:01:53 > 0:01:54two...
0:01:54 > 0:01:55one...
0:01:56 > 0:01:58Cue Hacker!
0:01:58 > 0:02:00How do, cockers?
0:02:00 > 0:02:03Welcome to my show, which today is all about gadgets.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06Now, I've got this one, all right? I've had it for years,
0:02:06 > 0:02:08but I'm not quite sure what it does.
0:02:10 > 0:02:11Doesn't appear to do anything.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15It's weird, innit? Does nowt.
0:02:17 > 0:02:18What's going on?
0:02:18 > 0:02:20Doesn't do anything.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23- Ooh, I feel sick.- Nowt. Does nowt.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25What a useless piece of tat.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29Anyway, today's special guest knows all about gadgets.
0:02:29 > 0:02:33Trouble is, he DOESN'T know he's on the show...yet.
0:02:33 > 0:02:34Ha-ha-ha.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39Hi, my name's Ortis Deley.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41I'm here to host a new hi-tech lifestyle show.
0:02:41 > 0:02:44- Mr Deley, is it? - Yes.- Come with me, sir.
0:02:44 > 0:02:45Get in the lift. Get to the lift.
0:02:45 > 0:02:48You haven't even heard where I'm going yet...
0:02:48 > 0:02:50Get in the lift, or I'll smite ya.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52- ALARM GOES OFF - 10...
0:02:52 > 0:02:54Hang on a minute!
0:02:57 > 0:02:58LIFT DINGS
0:02:59 > 0:03:02From The Gadget Show, it's Ortis Deley!
0:03:04 > 0:03:07Ortis, old pal. You're on Hacker Time!
0:03:07 > 0:03:09- Come on, cocker.- Hacker Time?
0:03:09 > 0:03:13No, no, no. I've heard about this show, I want nothing to do with it.
0:03:13 > 0:03:14Come back, come back!
0:03:14 > 0:03:18If you stay, I'll show you a new gadget I've discovered.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20Really? I'm up for that.
0:03:20 > 0:03:21Here it is, look.
0:03:22 > 0:03:26I believe the kids are calling it, "The Wheel."
0:03:26 > 0:03:29Which is exactly why I'm not staying. See you later, Hacker.
0:03:29 > 0:03:30It's funny because it's ancient.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33Just like most of the jokes on this show.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36Derek, the fact file.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38Coming right up, Hacker.
0:03:39 > 0:03:43Ortis Deley is a presenter who presently presents a programme
0:03:43 > 0:03:45called the Gadget Show.
0:03:45 > 0:03:48In the past, not the present, he presented shows on CBBC,
0:03:48 > 0:03:51where he sported atrocious blouses
0:03:51 > 0:03:53and sat on atrocious chairs.
0:03:53 > 0:03:57Ortis's hobbies include pretending to be James Bond,
0:03:57 > 0:04:02and being an evil genius who wants to take over the world.
0:04:02 > 0:04:06And that's an almost accurate fact file about Ortis Deley.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09Very interesting, I almost listened to a single word of it,
0:04:09 > 0:04:11Now, Ortis...
0:04:12 > 0:04:13Ortis?
0:04:13 > 0:04:16What's all this? I am furious!
0:04:16 > 0:04:18What do you think of my new smartphone, Ortis?
0:04:18 > 0:04:20Yeah, it looks OK.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22I'm a bit concerned about the size of the aerial, though.
0:04:22 > 0:04:24Oh, well, that's not the aerial.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27It's a special comb attachment so I can spruce up your hair
0:04:27 > 0:04:31- and play Meat Mash at the same time! - Now then!
0:04:31 > 0:04:34- I found out what this gadget does. - Oh, what's that, then, Mr Hacker?
0:04:34 > 0:04:35This.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39Agh!
0:04:39 > 0:04:44- Is... Is he all right?- No. Let's get on with the show, cocker.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46Larry, the menu.
0:04:47 > 0:04:49Come on, duck a l'orange.
0:04:49 > 0:04:53Oh, sorry, just on level 43 of Meat Mash.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57There's plenty of gadgety fun coming up on today's Hacker Time.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59Hacker wants a new job.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02How do I get out of this place and get a proper career?
0:05:02 > 0:05:04There's turbulence down at the Aeroport.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07We've got a problem with the wings.
0:05:07 > 0:05:08THEY GASP
0:05:08 > 0:05:10And the Opinion Parlour goes off with a bang.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12KABOOM!
0:05:12 > 0:05:14All this and more on Hacker Time!
0:05:14 > 0:05:16Top-drawer stuff, there.
0:05:16 > 0:05:19But before all that, it's time for the big interview.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22- Are you ready, Ortis?- I'm ready, Hacker.- All right. Question one.
0:05:22 > 0:05:25You present the Gadget Show with some odd people.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28Jason Bradbury...
0:05:28 > 0:05:29ORTIS LAUGHS
0:05:29 > 0:05:33Does he have a really small head, or just really big glasses?
0:05:33 > 0:05:34Really big glasses.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37HACKER WHINES
0:05:37 > 0:05:40- Seriously, though? - Seriously. They're huge.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43- You collect comic books, don't you, cocker?- I do, yeah.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46- I have almost 8,000.- Personally, I'm not a fan of them, really.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49I don't like the way you can see what people are thinking in bubbles.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51It's totally unrealistic.
0:05:51 > 0:05:52Yeah, I suppose...
0:05:52 > 0:05:55Anyway, it's lovely having you here, cocker. It's...
0:05:55 > 0:05:57How did that get there? Get down!
0:05:57 > 0:06:01I am SO sorry about that, Ortis.
0:06:01 > 0:06:02Apology accep...
0:06:02 > 0:06:04- Get out of it. - ..ted.- Moving on.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07- In your distant, far-off youth... - Wait a minute, wait a minute.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10- "Distant, far-off youth?" I'm not THAT old!- Well, you look it, cocker.
0:06:10 > 0:06:15Withered, distraught, distracted, unsightly, aghast.
0:06:16 > 0:06:17Crisp.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20Like Sue Barker's good leg.
0:06:22 > 0:06:27In your distant far off youth, you were a CBBC presenter, weren't you?
0:06:27 > 0:06:29- I was, yeah. - What I want to know is...
0:06:30 > 0:06:33..how do I get out of this place and get a proper career?
0:06:33 > 0:06:34It doesn't happen.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37The Gadget Show it is!
0:06:38 > 0:06:42Let's have a look at some of the highlights from your time at CBBC.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44Do you remember when you tried to high-five that camera
0:06:44 > 0:06:46and it left you hanging?
0:06:46 > 0:06:48ORTIS LAUGHS
0:06:48 > 0:06:49Yeah, yeah.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51Quality work, innit?
0:06:51 > 0:06:55Hey, do you remember that time when you had that star-shaped hat
0:06:55 > 0:06:57that looked like the inside of an office?
0:06:57 > 0:07:00ORTIS LAUGHS
0:07:00 > 0:07:04HACKER FORCES LAUGHTER
0:07:04 > 0:07:06Anyway, away from this filth,
0:07:06 > 0:07:10what do you think is the best gadget of the last 100 years, and why?
0:07:10 > 0:07:12- Of the last 100 years?- 100 years.
0:07:12 > 0:07:16- You should remember most of them. - Thank you. The car.- The car?- Yeah.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19Well, for me, it's the self-service checkout.
0:07:19 > 0:07:23I love how it's made shopping so much quicker and easier.
0:07:23 > 0:07:24BEEP
0:07:24 > 0:07:28- 'Unexpected item in bagging area.' - No, there isn't!
0:07:29 > 0:07:30BEEP
0:07:30 > 0:07:33- 'Unexpected item in bagging area.' - No, there isn't!
0:07:33 > 0:07:34BEEP
0:07:34 > 0:07:38- 'Unexpected item in bagging area.' - There isn't, look, look!
0:07:38 > 0:07:42Oh, I didn't expect THAT item in the bagging area. Get off me.
0:07:42 > 0:07:46Nope, get off! Mind my couscous.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48And then it ate me.
0:07:48 > 0:07:52- Ortis Deley, let me get your opinions on some new gadgets.- OK.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55- TV you can taste. Will it take off?- Smell-O-Vision?
0:07:55 > 0:07:58Yeah, yeah, it's been waiting in the wings for ages.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00Robot Barbers, will they take off?
0:08:00 > 0:08:03- Yes, yes, it will be... - No, no, you didn't let me finish.
0:08:03 > 0:08:05Robot Barbers, will they take off...
0:08:05 > 0:08:09- too much around the back and sides? - Very likely.
0:08:09 > 0:08:12Wingless aeroplanes, will they take off?
0:08:14 > 0:08:16- That's a good one from you, Hacker. - Thank you.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18It was all leading up to that weak and laboured punch line.
0:08:18 > 0:08:23Talking of which, I've invented this little beauty.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26It's the Hacker Time Punchline Calculator.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29This will come up with a clever, ground-breaking,
0:08:29 > 0:08:32- hilarious gag to end the interview. Are you ready?- Yeah, I'm ready.
0:08:32 > 0:08:36Well, I've already typed in 'Hacker', 'Ortis', and 'gadgets'.
0:08:36 > 0:08:39Let's see what happens. I shall press le bouton!
0:08:39 > 0:08:40Ra-gh!
0:08:40 > 0:08:42DIGITAL NOISES
0:08:42 > 0:08:46- Oh, there's something coming out here.- Yeah, yeah! What does it say?
0:08:48 > 0:08:50"Hacker trumps."
0:08:50 > 0:08:52Well, that's never not worked for us before.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55HE TRUMPS FEROCIOUSLY
0:08:56 > 0:08:57Oh...
0:08:58 > 0:08:59Agh!
0:09:01 > 0:09:02Agh!
0:09:02 > 0:09:04What a perfect punch line, Ortis.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07I can now declare this interview over.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09Oh, what a shame, Hacker.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12- I was having so much fun.- Charming.
0:09:12 > 0:09:15Larry, what's next?
0:09:15 > 0:09:19Time to check in for one last time at Best Regional Airways.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22Yes, strap in and get ready for a bumpy landing
0:09:22 > 0:09:26as we pay our final visit to the Aeroport.
0:09:26 > 0:09:30Places to go. Deadlines to keep.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32And dogs in stewardess outfits.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36It's all just another day in the life of...
0:09:36 > 0:09:38the Aeroport.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43And you've packed this all yourself, have you?
0:09:43 > 0:09:47It's the busiest time of the year here at Wigan International Airport
0:09:47 > 0:09:50and some of the cabin crew staff aren't finding it easy
0:09:50 > 0:09:51to keep everyone happy.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53I'm fed up of this!
0:09:53 > 0:09:55It's just costing me money!
0:09:55 > 0:09:57It's not relaxing!
0:09:57 > 0:09:59Every minute makes me more angry!
0:09:59 > 0:10:02I just can't stand it any more!
0:10:02 > 0:10:05Sir, I understand that you're upset about your delayed flight...
0:10:05 > 0:10:08My flight? I'm not bothered about that.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10I was talking about my wife.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13Oh, will!
0:10:15 > 0:10:17Can I get the money back for her ticket?
0:10:19 > 0:10:22Meanwhile, it looks like nobody's going to be flying today
0:10:22 > 0:10:25as Best Regional Airways support manager, Derek McGee,
0:10:25 > 0:10:27consults pilot, Captain Barbara.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29I'm afraid you're grounded.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31The plane can't take off? What is it?
0:10:31 > 0:10:33Ice on the runway? Bad visibility?
0:10:33 > 0:10:35No, YOU'RE grounded, young man.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37I've seen the state of your cockpit. It's a disgrace!
0:10:37 > 0:10:41You're not getting back in there until you've been suitably punished.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44Off to the naughty step you go. Go on.
0:10:46 > 0:10:47I never asked to be born!
0:10:49 > 0:10:52Things don't run smoothly once the flight takes off,
0:10:52 > 0:10:55as the pressure suddenly drops in the cabin.
0:10:55 > 0:10:56ALARM GOES OFF
0:10:56 > 0:10:58PASSENGERS PANIC
0:11:01 > 0:11:05Don't worry, cockers, I can get the pressure back up.
0:11:07 > 0:11:08What's 2+2?!
0:11:08 > 0:11:09WRONG ANSWER BUZZER
0:11:09 > 0:11:10How do you spell 'cat'?!
0:11:10 > 0:11:12WRONG ANSWER BUZZER
0:11:12 > 0:11:14How many King Georges have there been?!
0:11:14 > 0:11:16WRONG ANSWER BUZZER
0:11:16 > 0:11:20Meanwhile, things are considerably more relaxed in the cockpit.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25People often ask me what all these complicated buttons do.
0:11:25 > 0:11:26And I say...
0:11:26 > 0:11:30the top one keeps it all together, the middle one hugs my waist,
0:11:30 > 0:11:32and, very often, I don't do the bottom one up at all.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34I do like to live life on the edge.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37Yeah, but what do the buttons on the flight deck do?
0:11:37 > 0:11:39Oh, I've literally no idea.
0:11:39 > 0:11:40Not a clue.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42WARNING BUZZERS
0:11:42 > 0:11:45With the pressure back to normal in the cabin,
0:11:45 > 0:11:47the flight crew have a new problem.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49Listen, everyone. Listen, please.
0:11:49 > 0:11:52We've got a problem with the wings!
0:11:52 > 0:11:53FRIGHTENED GASPS
0:11:53 > 0:11:54Yes, that's right.
0:11:54 > 0:11:56We have run out of chicken wings.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58THEY SIGH
0:11:58 > 0:12:03Well, I don't want to alarm anyone, but we're sending out an SOS.
0:12:03 > 0:12:04FRIGHTENED GASPS
0:12:04 > 0:12:05Yes, that's right!
0:12:05 > 0:12:07A Sack O' Sprouts
0:12:07 > 0:12:09to replace the chicken wings.
0:12:09 > 0:12:10THEY SIGH
0:12:10 > 0:12:12THEY SHOUT IN DISMAY
0:12:15 > 0:12:18This is a lot easier than the trifle we served yesterday.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25WARNING ALARMS
0:12:25 > 0:12:29- What's that, Captain? - Let's have a look.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31My instruments are suggesting it's not turbulence.
0:12:31 > 0:12:32GUITAR STRUMS
0:12:32 > 0:12:35Definitely not turbulence.
0:12:35 > 0:12:39If it's not turbulence, then what could it be?
0:12:39 > 0:12:41In the cabin, eating all those Brussels sprouts
0:12:41 > 0:12:44seems to have had an adverse affect.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46LOUD TRUMPS
0:12:48 > 0:12:51THE PLANE TRUMPS
0:12:51 > 0:12:53Brace yourselves, everyone.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55HE TRUMPS FEROCIOUSLY
0:13:00 > 0:13:03Yonko eventually got himself cleaned up,
0:13:03 > 0:13:07and Captain Barbara had to revisit the naughty step several times.
0:13:07 > 0:13:10- This is so unfair! - I've had enough of your lip.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15It was all just another day in the life of the Aeroport.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20So, if I want to get past this level of Meat Mash,
0:13:20 > 0:13:22I need four exploding veal cutlets.
0:13:22 > 0:13:27Yeah, either that or try combining the streaky bacon rashers with
0:13:27 > 0:13:29the black pudding.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31Oh, hello, viewers.
0:13:31 > 0:13:32As you can see, we're busy,
0:13:32 > 0:13:35so why don't you watch these two losers instead?
0:13:35 > 0:13:37Wilf! Herman! You're on.
0:13:37 > 0:13:38I haven't got a bacon rasher.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40Do you think a chorizo would work?
0:13:40 > 0:13:43Welcome to the Opinion Parlour.
0:13:43 > 0:13:47Today we've been asking you what your favourite gadgets are.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50Anne from Eccles writes...
0:13:50 > 0:13:53"My favourite gadget is my remote control.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55"I've wired it to blow up the TV..."
0:13:57 > 0:13:59KABOOM!
0:14:00 > 0:14:03Why doesn't she just change the channel?
0:14:03 > 0:14:05Thanks for tuning in, though, Anne.
0:14:05 > 0:14:09Next, we've had an e-mail from Bill in Southport, who says...
0:14:11 > 0:14:15".. the only problem is the battery doesn't last very lo..."
0:14:15 > 0:14:18He's right, though. The battery doesn't last very lo...
0:14:18 > 0:14:22And, finally, we've had another e-mail from Anne from Eccles
0:14:22 > 0:14:27- who says, "Does anyone know where I can buy a new TV?"- Oh, oh!
0:14:27 > 0:14:29I'm afraid we'll have to wrap it up
0:14:29 > 0:14:32because the camera battery is about to go.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34Unfortunately, that doesn't last very lo...
0:14:35 > 0:14:37What did you think of that item, Ortis?
0:14:37 > 0:14:40Well, to be honest, Hacker, I thought it went on a bit lo...
0:14:40 > 0:14:42It always does.
0:14:42 > 0:14:46Now, you Gadget Show presenters all seem to really enjoy your jobs.
0:14:46 > 0:14:49But, deep down, do you?
0:14:49 > 0:14:51I love it! What's not to love?
0:14:51 > 0:14:56We're exactly the same here on Hacker Time, you know. We love it!
0:14:56 > 0:15:00Right, next question. Tell me more about yourself, cocker.
0:15:00 > 0:15:01Where do I start?
0:15:01 > 0:15:04Erm - oh, I know, I was born in Balham,
0:15:04 > 0:15:07a small hamlet in South West London.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09'Oh, I do wish he'd shut up.
0:15:09 > 0:15:11'There's got to be more to life than this.'
0:15:11 > 0:15:13BIG BAND MUSIC
0:15:13 > 0:15:16# This job can be such a dull job
0:15:16 > 0:15:20# Why must I be stuck here with these guests?
0:15:20 > 0:15:22# Listening to them drone on
0:15:22 > 0:15:25# About their careers
0:15:25 > 0:15:28# And trying to be suitably impressed... #
0:15:28 > 0:15:30That's very interesting, Ortis...
0:15:30 > 0:15:34# I wish that I could find a new workplace
0:15:34 > 0:15:36# Where there's no rancid dog on the scene... #
0:15:36 > 0:15:39How dare you! I've got a condition!
0:15:39 > 0:15:40# That silly Derek
0:15:40 > 0:15:42# He's such a disgrace
0:15:42 > 0:15:44# Oh, Lolly, did I tell you
0:15:44 > 0:15:46# That I've just won the gold ham hock terrine? #
0:15:46 > 0:15:47See what I mean?
0:15:47 > 0:15:50# Here in The Opinion Parlour
0:15:50 > 0:15:54# The fun and games don't last very lo... #
0:15:56 > 0:15:57ALL: # It's very clear
0:15:57 > 0:15:58# We hate it here
0:15:58 > 0:15:59# We'd have it made
0:15:59 > 0:16:00# If we got paid
0:16:00 > 0:16:02# We want to know
0:16:02 > 0:16:05# Where did we go wro-o-ong?!
0:16:05 > 0:16:06# I blame the boss
0:16:06 > 0:16:07# You're always cross
0:16:07 > 0:16:08# His hair is bad
0:16:08 > 0:16:09# Your mouth looks sad
0:16:09 > 0:16:10# No - I'm at fault
0:16:10 > 0:16:13# For starting this SOOOOONNNGGG! #
0:16:15 > 0:16:18We all sang our feelings out loud again, didn't we?
0:16:18 > 0:16:19You did.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22Curse our musical inner monologues!
0:16:22 > 0:16:23Blargh!
0:16:23 > 0:16:25Larry, tell us what else is coming up.
0:16:25 > 0:16:27Certainly, Hacker.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29Today's show is our most inventive yet!
0:16:29 > 0:16:31Coming up...
0:16:31 > 0:16:35In the future, we'll visit Hacker Time from the year 5014....
0:16:35 > 0:16:37Mother always said I'd get aHEAD in life.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39..we'll call in on those cool dudes at the
0:16:39 > 0:16:41Quarter Past 4 O'Clock Club...
0:16:41 > 0:16:44and Accordion George is back.
0:16:44 > 0:16:45That's all still to come!
0:16:45 > 0:16:49Can I tell you what really annoys me, right?
0:16:49 > 0:16:53It REALLY annoys me when people tell you what really annoys them...
0:16:53 > 0:16:56Ugh, I can't stand much more of this show.
0:16:58 > 0:16:59What are you doing, Derek?
0:16:59 > 0:17:01Oh, be quiet, Lolly, will you?!
0:17:01 > 0:17:03I'm nearly up to level 100 of Meat Mash.
0:17:03 > 0:17:06If I win this, I'll be top of the UK leaderboard!
0:17:06 > 0:17:09Ooh, Derek. You're so talented!
0:17:09 > 0:17:10Now, I can do this -
0:17:10 > 0:17:14as long as I don't get any sudden distractions!
0:17:15 > 0:17:17- Derek!- Argh!
0:17:17 > 0:17:19- Mother!- But Derek...
0:17:19 > 0:17:22Mother, please, leave me alone!
0:17:22 > 0:17:24But Derek...!
0:17:24 > 0:17:25Mother!
0:17:25 > 0:17:27Ooh, I don't believe it...
0:17:27 > 0:17:31I've reached Level 100 - I'm top of the UK leaderboard!
0:17:31 > 0:17:33Hoo-hoo!
0:17:33 > 0:17:35Now, what did you want to tell me?
0:17:35 > 0:17:37I wanted to tell you
0:17:37 > 0:17:41that I've just reached level 101 -
0:17:41 > 0:17:44so I'M top of the UK leaderboard!
0:17:44 > 0:17:47- Ho-ho!- Oh, mother!
0:17:50 > 0:17:52Can I have your autograph?
0:17:52 > 0:17:53Oh!
0:17:53 > 0:17:58And now, we transport you to the year 5014.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00It's Future Hacker Time!
0:18:01 > 0:18:05'Hacker Time is filmed on location in seven different galaxies.'
0:18:06 > 0:18:10Hello and welcome to series 900 of Hacker Time,
0:18:10 > 0:18:13officially the fourth most popular show on CBBC -
0:18:13 > 0:18:15after 12,000 Again,
0:18:15 > 0:18:16Marrying Mum and Droid,
0:18:16 > 0:18:18and the first series of Tracy Beaker,
0:18:18 > 0:18:21which is still being repeated ALL THE TIME!
0:18:21 > 0:18:23- CRACKING - Ooh! Me neck.
0:18:23 > 0:18:27Ooh, it really hurts. Hologram Wilf - do something!
0:18:27 > 0:18:30Here son, have a bit of oil...
0:18:30 > 0:18:31Oh...
0:18:31 > 0:18:33I can't do it, mate. I'm too virtual.
0:18:33 > 0:18:36You're virtually useless. Get out!
0:18:36 > 0:18:38Ooh, he goes straight through me.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42Time to meet today's special guest -
0:18:42 > 0:18:46from the 21st century, it's Ortis Deley!
0:18:49 > 0:18:51Er...Hacker, what's going on?
0:18:51 > 0:18:53I was in the middle of hosting The Gadget Show!
0:18:53 > 0:18:56Oh, we don't have that programme in the future.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58All the gadgets have been invented.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01We just call it The...Show.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03Send me back.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06But I want to show you how far technology's come.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08You'll love it here, cocker!
0:19:08 > 0:19:11All right, fine, I'll stay. But this had better be good.
0:19:11 > 0:19:12Oh, it will be!
0:19:12 > 0:19:17In the future, we've got the ultimate in 3D television. Look...
0:19:17 > 0:19:18Wow...that's amazing!
0:19:18 > 0:19:21It's like the image is actually coming right out of the TV set.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24Get a bit closer, cocker.
0:19:24 > 0:19:25A bit closer...
0:19:25 > 0:19:27A bit closer...
0:19:27 > 0:19:29SPLAT! Argh!
0:19:29 > 0:19:32- Hacker!- You got too close. You got hit by the fish.
0:19:32 > 0:19:35- That was daft of you, wasn't it? - Yes, wasn't it?(!)
0:19:35 > 0:19:38Now, here in the future, people can live forever -
0:19:38 > 0:19:41like my director, Derek McGee!
0:19:41 > 0:19:45Hoo-hoo! Mother always said I'd get aHEAD in life!
0:19:45 > 0:19:48Shame I've got noBODY to share it with!
0:19:48 > 0:19:50HE GIGGLES AND GURGLES
0:19:50 > 0:19:53Hang on - why doesn't Lolly look any different?
0:19:53 > 0:19:55Oh, I just use a really good moisturiser.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57DEREK GURGLES Of course you do.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00Of course, the best thing about the future is -
0:20:00 > 0:20:03I don't have to bother interviewing boring guests like you.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06Put that hat on, would you, cocker?
0:20:06 > 0:20:08This device will translate your thoughts
0:20:08 > 0:20:10and speak them aloud for ye.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12Press that red bouton!
0:20:12 > 0:20:14Right.
0:20:14 > 0:20:18'I, Ortis Deley, think that Hacker Time is the best show on television.
0:20:18 > 0:20:21'Hacker T Dog's hosting skills are second to none...
0:20:21 > 0:20:26'but most of all, I love Hologram Wilf.
0:20:26 > 0:20:30'He's the greatest peripheral character on CBBC.'
0:20:30 > 0:20:34Right, that does it! This is clearly not the future.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36I mean, look...
0:20:36 > 0:20:37THEY GASP
0:20:37 > 0:20:39Bah! Foiled again!
0:20:39 > 0:20:40Hah! Do you get it?
0:20:40 > 0:20:42Oh, please yourselves.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45I mean, Herman was in a box, and as for Hologram Wilf -
0:20:45 > 0:20:47well, that's clearly TV trickery.
0:20:47 > 0:20:51I'm still the greatest peripheral character, though, aren't I? Eh?
0:20:51 > 0:20:53Ortis - what are you talking about?!
0:20:53 > 0:20:55This IS the future.
0:20:55 > 0:20:58- No it isn't.- Oh, it is!
0:20:58 > 0:21:00It's three minutes into the future,
0:21:00 > 0:21:02since we started this terrible sketch.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04Three minutes?
0:21:04 > 0:21:06It feels more like 300 years.
0:21:06 > 0:21:09Yeah, it has gone on a little bit too lo...
0:21:09 > 0:21:11Let's all get a milky brew. Come on, cocker.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16But nobody's explained why I'm in this jar...
0:21:16 > 0:21:18Hello? Hello?
0:21:18 > 0:21:19Help!
0:21:21 > 0:21:22Over to you, Larry.
0:21:22 > 0:21:23Help!
0:21:23 > 0:21:26Here's a show that's DEFINITELY ahead of its time...
0:21:26 > 0:21:29It's the Quarter Past 4 O'Clock Club!
0:21:29 > 0:21:31BELL RINGS
0:21:38 > 0:21:39Ahem!
0:21:39 > 0:21:40Josh!
0:21:40 > 0:21:43What an unexpected surprise!
0:21:43 > 0:21:44You asked me to come!
0:21:44 > 0:21:46Y-Yeah, but...
0:21:46 > 0:21:47Oh, you old thing!
0:21:47 > 0:21:49Get off!
0:21:49 > 0:21:51# You and me
0:21:51 > 0:21:54# Is all I need
0:21:54 > 0:21:57# Together for evermore
0:21:57 > 0:22:00# I'm pretty sure
0:22:00 > 0:22:03# That even though we sometimes fight
0:22:03 > 0:22:06# And you may bite
0:22:06 > 0:22:09# We are brothers to the end
0:22:09 > 0:22:12# My friend!
0:22:12 > 0:22:14# Yeah, you may be my brother
0:22:14 > 0:22:15# But you ain't my mother
0:22:15 > 0:22:18# Don't mean to be rude but when we're in the school
0:22:18 > 0:22:19# Don't come anywhere near me
0:22:19 > 0:22:21# With your silly mug of tea
0:22:21 > 0:22:22# Stay away from me
0:22:22 > 0:22:24# Nathan, don't you see?
0:22:24 > 0:22:27# You wear bright socks and have a girlie lunchbox
0:22:27 > 0:22:28# You think you're Jay Z
0:22:28 > 0:22:30# People be like, "Who he?"
0:22:30 > 0:22:31# You wave to me at break
0:22:31 > 0:22:33# How much more can I take?
0:22:33 > 0:22:34# You make me physically sick!
0:22:34 > 0:22:36# Get me out of here, quick!
0:22:36 > 0:22:40# We are simply best friends
0:22:40 > 0:22:42# No, we're not, we're enemies
0:22:42 > 0:22:46# No-one could break this bond
0:22:46 > 0:22:49- # No, no - Yes, they could, I'm trying to
0:22:49 > 0:22:52# We are simply best friends
0:22:52 > 0:22:55# No, we're not, I'm sick of you
0:22:55 > 0:22:59# Best friends till the end! #
0:23:02 > 0:23:03He's gone, hasn't he?
0:23:03 > 0:23:05BELL RINGS
0:23:05 > 0:23:06Now on Hacker Time,
0:23:06 > 0:23:11it's the exciting, nail-biting awe-inspiring part of the show,
0:23:11 > 0:23:13where Hacker likes to say...
0:23:13 > 0:23:16Ortis Deley - GET OUT!
0:23:19 > 0:23:21Don't be offended, cocker -
0:23:21 > 0:23:22it's the name of me fantastic game show.
0:23:22 > 0:23:25- Oh, right.- Are you excited? - Oh, well, I am, yes, yes!
0:23:25 > 0:23:27Reet. You'll be fighting to get back up to the ground floor
0:23:27 > 0:23:29so you can return to your gadget-filled life
0:23:29 > 0:23:31in the real world.
0:23:31 > 0:23:32Get a question right and you'll go up a level,
0:23:32 > 0:23:35get one wrong, you go back down a level.
0:23:35 > 0:23:36When the time's up,
0:23:36 > 0:23:38you'll have either lit up enough buttons to leave,
0:23:38 > 0:23:40or you'll end up on one of my other weird and wonderful floors -
0:23:40 > 0:23:44Like Keith Teeth's boutique of denture fun!
0:23:44 > 0:23:46So, what do you think about that, cocker?
0:23:46 > 0:23:48Well, I do love me dentist,
0:23:48 > 0:23:50but I'm not too sure I'd like Keith Teeth.
0:23:50 > 0:23:51Yes, you would.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53He's an 'andsome man.
0:23:53 > 0:23:55Right, you've got until you hear this sound...
0:23:55 > 0:23:56Meat Mash!
0:23:56 > 0:24:00So, in 3, 2, Saturday... Go!
0:24:00 > 0:24:02What was the first gadget to be featured
0:24:02 > 0:24:04on the very first Gadget Show?
0:24:04 > 0:24:05Er, a mobile phone.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07No! It was a camcorder.
0:24:07 > 0:24:11Next...it's me old mate, Acky G!
0:24:11 > 0:24:13# It's Accordion George
0:24:13 > 0:24:16# It's Accordion George George, George
0:24:16 > 0:24:18# It's Accordion George
0:24:18 > 0:24:19# Acky G! #
0:24:19 > 0:24:20Georges!
0:24:20 > 0:24:23Oh, look who it is - me old mate Acky G.
0:24:23 > 0:24:27But what tune is Accordion "Georges" playing?
0:24:27 > 0:24:28Hit it, AG!
0:24:28 > 0:24:31HE PLAYS "Moves Like Jagger"
0:24:42 > 0:24:44What do you think, cocker?
0:24:44 > 0:24:47- Moves Like Jagger. - Correct! Let's to listen it!
0:24:47 > 0:24:48# With them moves like Jagger
0:24:48 > 0:24:50# I've got the moves like Jagger
0:24:50 > 0:24:52# I've got the moves... #
0:24:52 > 0:24:54Fantastic. Well done, Acky G.
0:24:54 > 0:24:56You've upped your game, there, cocker.
0:24:56 > 0:24:58Give us a nice big wave!
0:24:58 > 0:25:00Now get out!
0:25:00 > 0:25:02Right, the next one is this -
0:25:02 > 0:25:06this little cup-faced chum is my mate Harry Tongue.
0:25:06 > 0:25:10Can you tell me, which TV show has he been on this week?
0:25:10 > 0:25:14Is it A, Countryfile or B, Blue Peter?
0:25:14 > 0:25:16Erm...
0:25:16 > 0:25:17Blue Peter?
0:25:17 > 0:25:19Let's see if you're right.
0:25:19 > 0:25:23Harry Tongue, I have told you, you're not having a gold badge.
0:25:23 > 0:25:24BLUE PETER THEME
0:25:27 > 0:25:28Correct!
0:25:28 > 0:25:31Although - Harry, I've told you to keep away from Harwood.
0:25:31 > 0:25:32He's not right!
0:25:32 > 0:25:33Get away.
0:25:33 > 0:25:34Right, next question.
0:25:34 > 0:25:39Ortis - I have placed a gadget down by your right leg.
0:25:39 > 0:25:41- Uh-huh.- Elevate it to your podium.
0:25:42 > 0:25:46Now, tell me, what is this gadget?
0:25:46 > 0:25:48This...is a mango splitter.
0:25:48 > 0:25:51Correct! Hey, you're doing marvellously well, cocker.
0:25:51 > 0:25:52- Thank you.- Herman...
0:25:52 > 0:25:53Yes?
0:25:53 > 0:25:55- Hey, Ortis...- Yes?
0:25:55 > 0:25:56Split that mango!
0:25:56 > 0:25:59- Use that board, I don't want you messing up me podium.- I will.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01Don't want to make a mess. OK...
0:26:01 > 0:26:03Good man. What do you do? Oh, oh, oh!
0:26:03 > 0:26:04- It's splitting...- He's doing well.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06He's done this before, haven't you, cocker?
0:26:06 > 0:26:10- Splitting... There we are. - Oh, consider that mango split!
0:26:10 > 0:26:13Brilliant, cocker. You may now disregard that filth.
0:26:13 > 0:26:14- Next question.- Yeah.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17Which of your co-presenters has a corner named after them
0:26:17 > 0:26:19on the Top Gear track?
0:26:19 > 0:26:22Ah, that would be has a Mr Jon Bentley, Esquire.
0:26:22 > 0:26:23- Bentley Bend.- Wow!
0:26:23 > 0:26:25You've won!
0:26:25 > 0:26:27You've won, cocker. Yes, well done.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29You've lit up all the buttons to the ground floor,
0:26:29 > 0:26:30so you ARE allowed to leave!
0:26:30 > 0:26:33- Oh, it's been lovely having you here, Ortis.- Yeah, it's been great.
0:26:33 > 0:26:35- Now, GET OUT!- Yes!
0:26:35 > 0:26:37HE LAUGHS GLEEFULLY
0:26:37 > 0:26:38Any last words before you go, cocker?
0:26:38 > 0:26:40Oh, yeah, I just wanted to say that...
0:26:40 > 0:26:42Ha, ha, ha! What a lovely man.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44He's literally my favourite guest of today.
0:26:44 > 0:26:48That's it for now, cockers. I'm off to have me gable end re-pointed.
0:26:48 > 0:26:50All that's left for me to do now is sing my little song -
0:26:50 > 0:26:52join in if you know it!
0:26:56 > 0:26:59# That is it for now the end of the show
0:26:59 > 0:27:01# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go
0:27:01 > 0:27:04# I'll see you next time on this show of mine
0:27:04 > 0:27:06# Put it in your diary it's called Hacker Time!
0:27:06 > 0:27:08# It's been amazing we've been larking around
0:27:08 > 0:27:10# The whole programme cost just under a pound
0:27:10 > 0:27:13# Watch again next time cos we've got much more
0:27:13 > 0:27:14# There'll be tonnes of other funny stuff
0:27:14 > 0:27:16# It will be top-drawer
0:27:16 > 0:27:18# Ortis from The Gadget Show
0:27:18 > 0:27:20# Was my guest today
0:27:20 > 0:27:22# We staged a programme set in 5014
0:27:22 > 0:27:25# But then Hologram Wilf went and gave the whole game away
0:27:25 > 0:27:27# That is it for now the end of the show
0:27:27 > 0:27:29# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go
0:27:29 > 0:27:32# I'll see you next time on this show of mine
0:27:32 > 0:27:35# Put it in your diary it's called Hacker Time
0:27:35 > 0:27:37# Put it in your diary it's called Hacker Time
0:27:37 > 0:27:40# That is the end of today's Hacker Time! #
0:27:40 > 0:27:44This show is SO last century!