0:00:02 > 0:00:05Hacker Time is brought to you in association with
0:00:05 > 0:00:07Noshworld Supermarkets.
0:00:07 > 0:00:09Hoo-hoo! Look, everyone!
0:00:09 > 0:00:13Our first sponsorship cheque from Noshworld Supermarkets!
0:00:13 > 0:00:16They're giving us loads of money as long as we mention their name
0:00:16 > 0:00:18at every possible opportunity. Hoo-hoo!
0:00:18 > 0:00:23Yeah, but remember, Derek, we're not allowed advertising on the BBC.
0:00:24 > 0:00:26We're going to have to be subtle about it.
0:00:26 > 0:00:30Oh, no problem, Lorraine, I've secretly replaced my trademark
0:00:30 > 0:00:34chequered top with this Noshworld T-shirt!
0:00:34 > 0:00:38Ooh-hoo! Very good, Wilf, that's the spirit! Ho-ho!
0:00:38 > 0:00:42And I've had Noshworld tattooed on my forehead.
0:00:42 > 0:00:43Herman!
0:00:43 > 0:00:46What are you doing? We'll never get away with that!
0:00:46 > 0:00:49Yeah, that's way too obvious. Don't you agree, Hacker?
0:00:49 > 0:00:51Yes, I do!
0:00:51 > 0:00:53Hoo-hoo! Perfect, Hacker!
0:00:53 > 0:00:57Right, let's move on to something different and entirely unrelated.
0:00:57 > 0:01:00Point two on the agenda. Our annual boardroom sing-along.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02Here we go!
0:01:02 > 0:01:07# If you like nosh for very little dosh get down to Noshworld
0:01:07 > 0:01:08# More nosh for your dosh. #
0:01:08 > 0:01:09Hoo-hoo-hoo!
0:01:12 > 0:01:13# You gonna watch this?
0:01:16 > 0:01:17# You gotta watch this!
0:01:19 > 0:01:20# You gotta watch this! #
0:01:22 > 0:01:25- HE RAPS:- My, my, my, my programme hits you so hard
0:01:25 > 0:01:27Makes me say, "Oh, my word!"
0:01:27 > 0:01:29Thank you for watching me
0:01:29 > 0:01:31It's telly, but not what you normally see
0:01:31 > 0:01:33It feels good, there's outtakes too
0:01:33 > 0:01:35Comedy, guests and clips, it's true
0:01:35 > 0:01:36So sit back - don't move too much
0:01:36 > 0:01:39This is the show. Ah! You can't touch.
0:01:39 > 0:01:40Hacker time!
0:01:40 > 0:01:42Thank you.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44Stand by then, everyone.
0:01:44 > 0:01:49We're on air in five, four, three, two...
0:01:49 > 0:01:51SHEEP BAAS
0:01:51 > 0:01:53- One.- Cue Hacker!
0:01:55 > 0:01:56Y'all right, cockers?
0:01:56 > 0:02:01Welcome to Hacker Time! In association with Noshworld.
0:02:01 > 0:02:08Remember. Spend your dosh on our lovely nosh. I do have to say that.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10Anyway, today's show is all about business.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13Which reminds me, I've left my business somewhere round here.
0:02:13 > 0:02:17- Herman! Clean it up for me, will you?- Yes, Mr Hacker!
0:02:17 > 0:02:18Where it is exactly?
0:02:18 > 0:02:21SQUELCHING
0:02:21 > 0:02:22Oh. I got it.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:02:24 > 0:02:26It's time to get on with the show now, cockers.
0:02:26 > 0:02:30My special guest should be arriving any minute now.
0:02:30 > 0:02:31Not that she knows it yet.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38- Hello. Hi, I'm Deborah Meaden, I'm here for Dragons' Den.- Oh, look!
0:02:38 > 0:02:39- Is it Debbie Meaden, is it?- Deborah Meaden.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41Come on, Debs, get in the lift, love.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43- No, I'm sure it's that way, I... - They've moved it.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45- No, I've been here before. - Did you not get the memo?
0:02:45 > 0:02:48- Get in the lift, love. - No, I'm sure it's...
0:02:50 > 0:02:51Damn.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53Help!
0:02:53 > 0:02:55Anyone, help!
0:02:57 > 0:03:00- Help!- Ladies and gentlemen...
0:03:00 > 0:03:02- Anyone!- ..It's Deborah Meaden!
0:03:04 > 0:03:08- Y'all right, Deborah? You're on Hacker Time!- Hacker Time?
0:03:08 > 0:03:11I'm supposed to be on Dragons' Den, not Hacker Time. I'm sorry, I'm out.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13But Deborah! Don't go, you'll love it here!
0:03:13 > 0:03:17And I smell much better than Duncan Bannatyne. Have a whiff.
0:03:18 > 0:03:22- Mmm. Oh, you've got a point. Actually, I'm in.- Hurray!
0:03:22 > 0:03:25Glad we got that sorted, cocker. Let's get on with the show. Derek!
0:03:25 > 0:03:28- The fact file! - Coming right up, Hacker.
0:03:30 > 0:03:34Deborah Meaden is a woman who is not quite as scary as she looks.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36Although she does look pretty scary here.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38She's best-known for being on Dragons' Den,
0:03:38 > 0:03:41where she talks about business, then gives people her money.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44I'm pretty sure none of them are real dragons, though.
0:03:44 > 0:03:47She also invested some of her time into Strictly Come Dancing,
0:03:47 > 0:03:49where she was partnered with a very rude man,
0:03:49 > 0:03:52who refused to take his hat off indoors.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55And that's everything you need to know about Deborah Meaden.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59What an informative fact file.
0:03:59 > 0:04:03I feel like I've known you for years, Barbara. I mean Deborah.
0:04:03 > 0:04:04Deborah?
0:04:04 > 0:04:05INDISTINCT
0:04:05 > 0:04:06DEBORAH!
0:04:06 > 0:04:09Herman, you oaf, get away from that dragon!
0:04:09 > 0:04:12Hey, Deborah, do you remember that idea of mine that you invested in?
0:04:12 > 0:04:15Yeah, the automatic bogey-picking machine.
0:04:15 > 0:04:19- It picks, rolls, and flicks, so you don't have to!- Yeah.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21Well, it turns out I made four million quid from it!
0:04:21 > 0:04:23Herman, you're a genius!
0:04:23 > 0:04:25You must be one of the best entrepreneurs in the country!
0:04:25 > 0:04:29Oh, Deborah, you're making me go red.
0:04:29 > 0:04:33Hey, Herman! I've got a good business idea for you.
0:04:33 > 0:04:34Oh, yeah?
0:04:34 > 0:04:36Yeah, mind your own business!
0:04:36 > 0:04:40- Now get out of it, Herman! - Yes, Mr Hacker.
0:04:41 > 0:04:44- Bye, Deborah.- Don't wave at him!
0:04:44 > 0:04:46HE WHINES
0:04:46 > 0:04:48Now that waste of space is gone,
0:04:48 > 0:04:52let's get on with the show, cocker. Larry, the menu.
0:04:52 > 0:04:56Oh, today's Hacker Time is so full of lols and entertainment,
0:04:56 > 0:04:58it'll make you shout, "I'm in!"
0:04:58 > 0:05:01Coming up - Hacker and Deborah start a ventriloquist act.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03You are putting words in my mouth.
0:05:03 > 0:05:04Aagh!
0:05:04 > 0:05:07There's something scary in the kingdom of Trumpalot.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10Sorry, dear. I just got out of the shower.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13And get yourself down to Noshworld,
0:05:13 > 0:05:17where tonight pilchards are buy-74-get-one-free!
0:05:19 > 0:05:22- Was that subtle enough, Derek? - Very good. Hoo-hoo!
0:05:22 > 0:05:25Ooh, it's going to be a dead good programme today, Deborah.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27I can feel it in me waters.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29Or maybe I just need the lav-lav, I'm not sure.
0:05:29 > 0:05:33Anyway, I'm now going to interview in a clever and dead good way.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36- Are you ready, Deborah Meaden?- I'm ready!- She's ready, hurrah!
0:05:36 > 0:05:39And I promise it won't be as boring as getting into a conversation
0:05:39 > 0:05:41with Peter Jones. I mean...
0:05:41 > 0:05:43- You can't say that!- ..What a dull man.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46- You cannot say that!- The man's dull! And tall!
0:05:46 > 0:05:49It's the worst combination, Deborah. Dulltall, I call them, that lot.
0:05:49 > 0:05:52- OK, he's tall, I'll give you he's tall.- Ahem. Question one.
0:05:52 > 0:05:55I've seen you on the telly a lot, sitting on chairs
0:05:55 > 0:05:58and telling people that they can't have any of your cash.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00But what do you actually do for a job?
0:06:01 > 0:06:05- EVAN DAVIS:- It's a strong start for the six-year-old dog from Wigan.
0:06:05 > 0:06:08But will leisure-magnate Deborah Meaden find the slightly
0:06:08 > 0:06:11rubbish line of questioning in any way amusing?
0:06:11 > 0:06:14I don't find that slightly rubbish line of questioning
0:06:14 > 0:06:17- in any way amusing.- Ah.
0:06:17 > 0:06:21It's a crushing blow for the irritating pooch.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23Will he be able to regain his composure
0:06:23 > 0:06:26and respond with a more pertinent question?
0:06:26 > 0:06:27Oi, you, quiet!
0:06:27 > 0:06:29Sorry, Hacker.
0:06:29 > 0:06:33- Does he follow you everywhere? - I'm afraid he does.
0:06:33 > 0:06:39Sling your hook, Evan Davis! This is my show! Ooh! Right. Next question.
0:06:39 > 0:06:40Duncan Bannatyne.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43How do you understand what the man's talking about?
0:06:43 > 0:06:46I've been in Dragons' for... It's my 11th series, now.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49- I haven't understood anything he's said since the beginning.- Ha-ha!
0:06:49 > 0:06:54- He's a bumbling mess, in't he? - You are putting words in my mouth!
0:06:54 > 0:06:55As well as Dragons' Den,
0:06:55 > 0:06:58- you also appeared on Strictly Come Dancing, cocker.- I did.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01- Did you enjoy the experience? - I loved it! I had the best time.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04Hey, Deborah, do you remember that time when Tess and Robin
0:07:04 > 0:07:07turned up to your party wearing the same coloured dress as you.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10Look at that! I mean, look, what a hideous clash of purples!
0:07:10 > 0:07:14Don't remind me. That was my last dance, don't remind me of that.
0:07:14 > 0:07:15Seriously, though.
0:07:15 > 0:07:19After doing all that dancing, and considering you're on Dragons' Den,
0:07:19 > 0:07:21I'd like to know, which is your favourite dance, cocker?
0:07:21 > 0:07:26Is it the cha-cha-ching? Cha-ching! Cha-ching!
0:07:26 > 0:07:30Cos you're on Dragons' Den and that's about money and that.
0:07:30 > 0:07:31Cha-ching!
0:07:31 > 0:07:34I think jokes are better when you don't have to explain them, Hacker.
0:07:34 > 0:07:35Yes. It's a struggle calling
0:07:35 > 0:07:37- that one a joke, to be honest.- Yeah...
0:07:37 > 0:07:39Right, Deborah, I'd like some of your money,
0:07:39 > 0:07:42so here's an investment idea for you.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45The world's first silent radio!
0:07:45 > 0:07:46What's the point in that?
0:07:46 > 0:07:49You just turn it on when you want peace and quiet, cocker.
0:07:49 > 0:07:53- That's terrible. I'm out.- I'm in!
0:07:53 > 0:07:54- Out.- In!- Out.
0:07:54 > 0:07:55# Shake it all about
0:07:55 > 0:07:59# You do the hokey-cokey and you turn around
0:07:59 > 0:08:01# And that's what it's all about. #
0:08:01 > 0:08:03I've told you, get out!
0:08:04 > 0:08:07Right, next question. Do you remember when I was the chairman
0:08:07 > 0:08:09of the Dragons' Den social committee?
0:08:09 > 0:08:11- No.- Ha-ha! Have a look at this, cockers!
0:08:17 > 0:08:20Right, everyone. I'm sorting out the Dragons' Den weekly sleepover.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22Deborah, are you in?
0:08:22 > 0:08:24I'm out.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26- Duncan?- I'm out.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28Peter?
0:08:28 > 0:08:31- I'm going to declare myself out.- Guys, come on!
0:08:31 > 0:08:35There will be pizza!
0:08:35 > 0:08:39I'm smitten. You're lovely, you're charming...
0:08:39 > 0:08:43Thank you. Thank you very much. Right. Shall we say two quid each?
0:08:43 > 0:08:45THEY ARGUE
0:08:45 > 0:08:51Mayhem erupts in the den as a full-blown financial argument
0:08:51 > 0:08:52breaks out amongst the dragons.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54Forget the pizza then, shall we?
0:08:54 > 0:08:56Let's just get a curry.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02- I'm out.- What do you think, cocker?
0:09:02 > 0:09:03Thought you did a great job.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06- We were fighting over you at the end. - It was great, that.
0:09:06 > 0:09:07Actually, that reminds me.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10Kelly Hoppen hasn't coughed up the two quid for last week's
0:09:10 > 0:09:14bingo night. She's always the same, that woman. I'm off for my bunts.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17Over to you, Larry. Oi, Hoppen, you owe me some dosh!
0:09:17 > 0:09:21Time for another thrilling episode of our medieval drama
0:09:21 > 0:09:23A Knight's Tale.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26And today there are some spooky goings-on
0:09:26 > 0:09:29in the Kingdom of Trumpalot.
0:09:46 > 0:09:51It was Wednesday in Trumpalot and dawn followed a windy night.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53HE FARTS
0:09:53 > 0:09:55Oh, sorry, Dawn.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57It smells of cabbage!
0:09:59 > 0:10:03Meanwhile, the Queen had woken...
0:10:03 > 0:10:04SCREAMING
0:10:04 > 0:10:06..to a terrifying sight.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09Aaaaaaagh!
0:10:09 > 0:10:12I've never seen anything so horrific in all my days!
0:10:12 > 0:10:15Sorry, dear. I just got out of the shower.
0:10:15 > 0:10:18I wasn't talking about you.
0:10:18 > 0:10:19I think this room is...
0:10:21 > 0:10:23..haunted.
0:10:23 > 0:10:24Aagh!
0:10:24 > 0:10:30Aaaaaaaagh!
0:10:30 > 0:10:33And that's why I'm trusting you to get to the bottom of this.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36Ha-ha! You said bottom.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39- Your Majesty, I'm sure you have nothing to worry about.- Good.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42Because there's only one way to find this ghost.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45You must both spend the night in my haunted bedroom.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48BOTH: Aaaagh!
0:10:48 > 0:10:50Sorry! Me again. Hoo-hoo!
0:10:50 > 0:10:53Ha-ha! I can see his bottom!
0:10:54 > 0:10:59WOLF HOWLS
0:10:59 > 0:11:02Right, I'm sure we've got nothing to worry about.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05So let's just rest our weary heads.
0:11:06 > 0:11:07- Night.- What?
0:11:10 > 0:11:13- I was just saying, "Night."- I know I'm a knight, what of it?
0:11:15 > 0:11:17Just go to sleep.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19- Night.- WHAT?
0:11:19 > 0:11:22- Good night.- I know I'm a good knight, but what do you want?
0:11:22 > 0:11:28- I'm just saying, "Good night." - To who?- To you, to you!
0:11:28 > 0:11:31- Hoo-hoo! Was that an owl?- Oh, get out of here, King Derek McGee.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34Yeah, and put some clothes on.
0:11:34 > 0:11:35Hoo-hoo! Night.
0:11:35 > 0:11:36What?
0:11:40 > 0:11:42Now, let's just get some sleep.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47Woo! Good night!
0:11:47 > 0:11:49Night!
0:11:49 > 0:11:50NIGHT!
0:11:50 > 0:11:52Woooooo!
0:11:52 > 0:11:57BOTH: Aaaaaaaagh!
0:11:57 > 0:11:59Aagh, aagh, aagh, aaagh!
0:11:59 > 0:12:01Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!
0:12:01 > 0:12:04BOTH: Aaaaaagh!
0:12:07 > 0:12:09He went that way!
0:12:09 > 0:12:10Which way?
0:12:10 > 0:12:13Well, don't ask me, I haven't got any hands!
0:12:13 > 0:12:16Woooooh!
0:12:16 > 0:12:19BENNY HILL STYLE CHASE MUSIC PLAYS
0:12:25 > 0:12:26BOTH: Aaagh!
0:12:26 > 0:12:28Wooooo!
0:12:28 > 0:12:30BOTH: Aaaaaagh!
0:12:30 > 0:12:33Aaagh, aaagh, aaagh!
0:12:33 > 0:12:36- Should be safe in here. - Yeah.
0:12:36 > 0:12:41CONGA MUSIC PLAYS
0:12:51 > 0:12:53Ey, it's good this, in't it, cocker?
0:12:53 > 0:12:55Wooooo!
0:12:55 > 0:12:57- Huh?- Gah!
0:12:57 > 0:12:59Right. That's it. I've had enough.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01Time to find out who you really are.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05- Queen!- Queen!
0:13:05 > 0:13:06ALL: Queen!
0:13:06 > 0:13:08Yes, and I would have got away with it
0:13:08 > 0:13:11if it wasn't for you pesky knights.
0:13:11 > 0:13:12D'oh!
0:13:12 > 0:13:16We should've known all along! There's no such thing as ghosts!
0:13:16 > 0:13:18Oooooh, really?
0:13:18 > 0:13:20HE WHINES
0:13:20 > 0:13:25ALL: Aaaaaaaagh!
0:13:26 > 0:13:30What's wrong with them? I'm not that scary.
0:13:30 > 0:13:34Oooooh, aaaaagh!
0:13:35 > 0:13:40Hoo-hoo! What am I like? Ha-ha!
0:13:43 > 0:13:46What a load of old tat that was, wasn't it?
0:13:46 > 0:13:49Anyway, Deborah, big stars like me and you, eh?
0:13:49 > 0:13:52It's important that we don't lose sight of our fans, in't it?
0:13:52 > 0:13:53- Oh, absolutely.- Yeah.
0:13:53 > 0:13:56They're the people that put us where we are today, aren't they?
0:13:56 > 0:13:58- And we must remember that, mustn't we?- Absolutely.
0:13:58 > 0:14:02But obviously I'm way too important to deal with them meself.
0:14:02 > 0:14:05I'm a big star for goodness' sake. I'm not talking to the public, am I?
0:14:05 > 0:14:08Pah! So I've got a couple of no-hopers to read my viewers letters
0:14:08 > 0:14:12and that for me. Wilf, Herman, over to you!
0:14:12 > 0:14:13Thank you, Hacker.
0:14:13 > 0:14:16This is the Opinion Parlour, the place where we
0:14:16 > 0:14:19- look at your comments and e-mails about the programme.- Yeah.
0:14:19 > 0:14:21And in honour of Deborah Meaden,
0:14:21 > 0:14:26we've been asking you guys at home for your business ideas.
0:14:26 > 0:14:30Anne from Eccles has tweeted, "I've got a good idea."
0:14:30 > 0:14:31Oh, yes?
0:14:31 > 0:14:35"You two should get off my telly. You're a load of rubbish." Huh.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38Thank you, Anne. Lovely to hear from you again.
0:14:38 > 0:14:42And this next letter comes from a Mr...
0:14:42 > 0:14:46D McGee who lives in the, eh, gallery.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48He says,
0:14:48 > 0:14:53"Make up an e-mail telling everyone to buy all their food at Noshworld.
0:14:53 > 0:14:54"They'll give us loads of money
0:14:54 > 0:14:57"if we make up an e-mail from them."
0:14:57 > 0:15:00Oh, what's wrong with him?
0:15:00 > 0:15:03That's all from the Opinion Parlour for the moment, but remember,
0:15:03 > 0:15:06if you want to let us know your comments about Hacker Time,
0:15:06 > 0:15:12just phone this number:
0:15:12 > 0:15:14Hey, Wilf, would you like some of this pizza?
0:15:14 > 0:15:17I'll have a bit later. Yeah, save us the edges.
0:15:17 > 0:15:18How do you open the box?
0:15:18 > 0:15:22I'll tell you in a minute. Back to you, Hacker! Just force it open...
0:15:22 > 0:15:25They really are terrible, them two. But they're cheap.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27I bet it's the same with Duncan and Peter, in't it?
0:15:27 > 0:15:30You leave the dragons out of this! You're not...
0:15:30 > 0:15:34- You leave them, they're good guys. - They're good guys. I bet they are.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36Right, Deborah, I'm now going to wow you with a song
0:15:36 > 0:15:38because I'm a dead good singer and that, you know.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40I think you might like this one.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42It's all about Dragons' Den and everything.
0:15:42 > 0:15:47And if you don't like it, I'd rather you didn't mention it, cocker. Oh!
0:15:47 > 0:15:50# I think that Peter Jones is too tall
0:15:50 > 0:15:54# Don't like the way that Kelly's hair curls
0:15:54 > 0:15:56# Can't understand what Duncan says
0:15:56 > 0:15:57# I like someone else instead
0:15:57 > 0:15:59# My favourite dragon's Deborah Meaden
0:15:59 > 0:16:02# So let me tell you where I am at
0:16:02 > 0:16:05# She knows all about money and that
0:16:05 > 0:16:08# She always brightens up the day and forget the boring businessmen
0:16:08 > 0:16:11# My favourite dragon's Deborah Meaden, hah
0:16:11 > 0:16:14# She'll grill you on your figures
0:16:14 > 0:16:16# Scrutinise your profit and loss
0:16:16 > 0:16:20# You won't get anything past her
0:16:20 > 0:16:23# So be sure that you do not make her cross
0:16:23 > 0:16:25# If I ever had an idea
0:16:25 > 0:16:27# My investor of choice would be clear
0:16:27 > 0:16:31# Now, Duncan, Kelly, Peter, Piers that awful lot bore me to tears
0:16:31 > 0:16:33# My favourite dragon's Deborah Meaden
0:16:33 > 0:16:36# Oh, yes, my favourite dragon's Deborah Meaden
0:16:36 > 0:16:38# And that's my song for Deborah Meaden. #
0:16:38 > 0:16:40HE WARBLES
0:16:40 > 0:16:41CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:16:41 > 0:16:43- What do you think, cocker?- Love it, love it.
0:16:43 > 0:16:48- Thank you very much.- Mon plaisure, me old cocker.
0:16:48 > 0:16:52Hey, Deborah. Good news. We're only halfway through the show, cockers.
0:16:52 > 0:16:58- Larry, the menu, please.- Still to come on today's Hacker Time.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00Georgie's back and he's sounding flat.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03Have you got a puncture in your air bag or summat, George?
0:17:03 > 0:17:07Hacker shows him how it's done in the Quarter Past 4 O'Clock Club.
0:17:10 > 0:17:14And is Deborah about to fall for Hacker's rubbish business ideas?
0:17:14 > 0:17:18- I'll give you £5,000. No, £10,000! - Don't go away!
0:17:20 > 0:17:24Here are my thoughts on toast. Now, I'm partial to a bit of toast.
0:17:24 > 0:17:28Oh, well, that's quite enough of that rubbish.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30Hey, Lolly, look what I've been given!
0:17:30 > 0:17:33Two tickets for tonight's big launch!
0:17:33 > 0:17:35Noshworld are throwing a party to celebrate
0:17:35 > 0:17:38their exciting new product - cabbage-flavoured ham!
0:17:38 > 0:17:40But will your mother let you go, Derek?
0:17:40 > 0:17:43You know she doesn't like you leaving the house.
0:17:43 > 0:17:46Lolly, Lolly, Lolly. I'm Derek McGee!
0:17:46 > 0:17:49And nothing or no-one is going to stop me!
0:17:49 > 0:17:55- Derek!- Mother! - What's all this about a party?
0:17:55 > 0:17:59- I've not said you can go out. - Oh, Mother!
0:17:59 > 0:18:05- I think you and I should go instead, Lolly.- You betcha, Derek's mother!
0:18:05 > 0:18:08But... Mother, Mother. Will you at least bring me
0:18:08 > 0:18:10some cabbage-flavoured ham back?
0:18:10 > 0:18:15- You know what your wind is like when you eat too much cabbage!- Mother!
0:18:15 > 0:18:17I don't do things like that!
0:18:17 > 0:18:18HE FARTS
0:18:18 > 0:18:20Hoo-hoo! Maybe I do. Back to you, Larry!
0:18:20 > 0:18:21HE FARTS
0:18:21 > 0:18:22Hoo-hoo!
0:18:22 > 0:18:25Ladies and gentleman, forget Dragons' Den,
0:18:25 > 0:18:28it's time to enter Hacker's Hovel!
0:18:32 > 0:18:34- EVAN DAVIS:- It's a new day in the hovel,
0:18:34 > 0:18:37and Deborah Meaden is looking to invest some of her millions.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39So let's just hope a total fool doesn't walk in
0:18:39 > 0:18:42and waste everybody's time.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44Y'all right, cockers?
0:18:44 > 0:18:47I would like £1 million!
0:18:47 > 0:18:50- What for?- No, I don't need four.
0:18:50 > 0:18:51One'll be fine, cocker.
0:18:51 > 0:18:55No, I mean what for? I don't just give away money.
0:18:55 > 0:18:56In Dragons' Den,
0:18:56 > 0:19:00people come in and pitch invention ideas in order to get investment.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03- So what's your idea? - Oh, yes! The idea.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06Nil ye fret, cockers, I have a mighty fine invention for ye.
0:19:06 > 0:19:10It is an ingenious helmet that prevents me from feeling
0:19:10 > 0:19:16any pain and I would like £1 million for a stake in my company.
0:19:16 > 0:19:18- Right, show me how it works. - All right, cocker.
0:19:18 > 0:19:21I shall strike myself on the bonce with an oversized comedy mallet
0:19:21 > 0:19:23and feel nil pain!
0:19:26 > 0:19:28Ah-ha-ha!
0:19:28 > 0:19:30METALLIC CLANG
0:19:30 > 0:19:31BIRDS TWITTER
0:19:31 > 0:19:35- You all right, Hacker?- Yeah. I'm fine.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37You look nice today, Duncan.
0:19:37 > 0:19:42- Duncan? I'm out. - I'm out cold, cocker!
0:19:42 > 0:19:43THUD
0:19:43 > 0:19:47Hacker's time in the hovel has gone from bad to worse,
0:19:47 > 0:19:49much like the script for this show.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52Will this sketch never end?
0:19:52 > 0:19:56Right then. Due to the large amount of debt I've run up funding
0:19:56 > 0:19:59my touring musical Yonko Live And Unbuttoned,
0:19:59 > 0:20:03I need this investment and I will not take no for an answer.
0:20:04 > 0:20:05No.
0:20:05 > 0:20:08Oh, budgies! Look, there's only one thing for it.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11I will have to wow you with a series of fantastic invention
0:20:11 > 0:20:13ideas in the form of a montage.
0:20:13 > 0:20:17That is the worst pitch I have ever seen.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19Oh. I rather liked it.
0:20:20 > 0:20:24- This idea will make you itch! - Don't you mean rich?- No.
0:20:24 > 0:20:28I'm pitching you my fleas, cocker! Ha-ha-ha! Ow.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32I'm in!
0:20:32 > 0:20:35The toilet. I'll be back in a minute for more of your terrible ideas.
0:20:35 > 0:20:36TOILET FLUSHES
0:20:36 > 0:20:40I'll give you £5,000, no, £10,000! £20,000...
0:20:40 > 0:20:42for your five hotels in Park Lane.
0:20:42 > 0:20:44You're brilliant at this game!
0:20:46 > 0:20:49- So what's your turnover?- Apple. I baked it myself.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54Hacker, that was a terrible set of ideas.
0:20:54 > 0:20:55HACKER WHINES
0:20:55 > 0:21:00But what a brilliantly put-together montage. I'll give you £4 million.
0:21:00 > 0:21:03- I'm in!- Huzzah!- Yay!
0:21:03 > 0:21:08That's quite enough of that. Time for something else. I'm out.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10Ladies and gentlemen.
0:21:10 > 0:21:13It's now time to go back to school in another edition of
0:21:13 > 0:21:16the Quarter Past 4 O'Clock Club.
0:21:16 > 0:21:22- Don't forget to mention Noshworld. - Noshworld.- Very good. Hoo-hoo!
0:21:22 > 0:21:25ALARM BELL RINGS
0:21:25 > 0:21:27Right, Josh. What do you fancy doing when you're older?
0:21:27 > 0:21:32With your grades and skills, maybe you could be a doctor!
0:21:32 > 0:21:35Or a brain surgeon! Or...
0:21:35 > 0:21:37MUSIC PLAYS
0:21:41 > 0:21:46# I could be an attendant at your local nailbar... #
0:21:46 > 0:21:47OK...
0:21:47 > 0:21:53# I could be a chauffeur even though I can't drive a car... #
0:21:53 > 0:21:54I don't think you're getting this.
0:21:54 > 0:22:00# I could knit and become a jumper-weaver... #
0:22:00 > 0:22:01Is that even a thing?
0:22:01 > 0:22:07# I could be a stylist for a b-b-beaver... #
0:22:07 > 0:22:09That job definitely doesn't exist.
0:22:09 > 0:22:13# I could be anything that I wanted that's me... #
0:22:13 > 0:22:15Flute solo!
0:22:15 > 0:22:18FLUTE MUSIC PLAYS
0:22:29 > 0:22:33# I could be a-nything that I wanted
0:22:33 > 0:22:34# A tree
0:22:34 > 0:22:36# Or a salsa dancer with a tache. #
0:22:38 > 0:22:40ALARM BELL RINGS
0:22:40 > 0:22:42And now on Hacker Time,
0:22:42 > 0:22:45it's the thrilling gameshow climax of our programme.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47Big money prizes, a glamorous host,
0:22:47 > 0:22:51and an excited studio audience are all things that we would have
0:22:51 > 0:22:55liked to have included, but instead, it's over to Hacker T Dog.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57Deborah Meaden! Get out!
0:23:00 > 0:23:02..is the name of the next bit of the show.
0:23:02 > 0:23:07- It's my dead good game show, cocker. Are you ready?- Ready.- Hurrah.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09I've had enough of you on my show for one day
0:23:09 > 0:23:11You'll be fighting to get back up to the ground floor
0:23:11 > 0:23:14so you can return to your fire-breathing chums!
0:23:14 > 0:23:16Get a question right and you go up a level.
0:23:16 > 0:23:18Get one wrong and you go back down a level.
0:23:18 > 0:23:21When the time's up, you'll have lit up enough buttons to leave,
0:23:21 > 0:23:24or you'll end up on one of my weird and wonderful floors,
0:23:24 > 0:23:27such as Frantic Fred's Armpit Wig Store.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31- OK. I don't want to be there.- No.
0:23:31 > 0:23:35- You've got until you hear this noise...- Ah-ah-achoo!
0:23:35 > 0:23:38..to play the game. So in three, two, eight, go!
0:23:38 > 0:23:42Which dragon's name is Nurzle Neppe an anagram of?
0:23:43 > 0:23:49- Er... Piers Linney!- Correct! I've got four radishes.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52I sell 50% of them to Wilf, give 25% of them to Herman
0:23:52 > 0:23:54and eat one of them myself.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57- How many radishes do I have left? - None.- Knickers!
0:23:57 > 0:24:01I wanted radishes for dinner. Correct, though. Well done.
0:24:01 > 0:24:05- What is the American version of Dragons' Den called?- Sharks' Tank.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07The Shark Tank, but I'll give you that. You're doing well.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10Which of your Strictly Come Dancing co-stars have
0:24:10 > 0:24:12we McGee'd in this picture.
0:24:12 > 0:24:13Look over there.
0:24:15 > 0:24:18- Oh, Dave! Dave. Dave Myers.- It is Dave Myers.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20The hairy biker has been McGee'd.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23You've only got one more to go, cocker, and you're free.
0:24:23 > 0:24:26Next question. Here is my chum, Ackie G.
0:24:26 > 0:24:29# It's Accordion George, huh
0:24:29 > 0:24:32# It's Accordion George, oh
0:24:32 > 0:24:35# It's Accordion George Ackie G!#
0:24:35 > 0:24:36Ag, ag, ag!
0:24:36 > 0:24:39Yes, it's me old chum Ackie G. And Ackie G over there...
0:24:39 > 0:24:41Give us a wave, Ackie. That's it.
0:24:41 > 0:24:43All right, all right, don't overdo it.
0:24:43 > 0:24:46Ackie G will now play you a popular tune on his accordion
0:24:46 > 0:24:49and you must tell me what he's playing.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51- Are you all right with that? - Absolutely.
0:24:51 > 0:24:52Take it away, Ackie G!
0:24:53 > 0:24:57JAUNTY TUNE PLAYS
0:25:07 > 0:25:09What was that? Come on, what was it?
0:25:09 > 0:25:12- What do you think it was? - I genuinely have absolutely no idea.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14Oh, that's a wrong answer, cocker.
0:25:14 > 0:25:17OK, let me tell you that it was Katy Perry and Roar.
0:25:17 > 0:25:18Let's hear it done properly.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21# I got the eye of the tiger
0:25:21 > 0:25:23# Fighter
0:25:23 > 0:25:25# Dancin' through the fire
0:25:25 > 0:25:27# Cos I am a champion and you're... #
0:25:28 > 0:25:31No wonder you didn't get it. He was rubbish. You were rubbish!
0:25:31 > 0:25:34Have you got a puncture in your air bag or summat, George?
0:25:34 > 0:25:36Give us a wave! Now get away.
0:25:38 > 0:25:39The next question is...
0:25:39 > 0:25:43You were on Strictly Come Dancing with Abbey Clancy, weren't you?
0:25:43 > 0:25:47But what is her married surname? Is it A) Sit
0:25:47 > 0:25:50B) Squat or is it C) Crouch?
0:25:50 > 0:25:54- Crouch.- Correct! Oh, you're doing really well.
0:25:54 > 0:25:57What is the Financial Times Stock Exchange otherwise known as?
0:25:57 > 0:26:02- The Footsie.- Yes, or in my case, the pawsie. Ha-ha-ha!- Ugh.
0:26:02 > 0:26:03GET OUT!
0:26:03 > 0:26:05Oh, congratulations, Deborah!
0:26:05 > 0:26:08You've lit up all the lift buttons, so you're allowed to leave
0:26:08 > 0:26:13- the studio through the proper door and return to normality.- Thank you.
0:26:13 > 0:26:16- Huzzah!- Mwah.- Mwah.- Mwah.- Mwah.
0:26:16 > 0:26:17Now get out.
0:26:18 > 0:26:21Have you got anything you'd like to say before you leave?
0:26:21 > 0:26:24- There was just one last thing I wanted...- Hah!
0:26:24 > 0:26:26What a beautiful dragon.
0:26:26 > 0:26:29That's it from Hacker Time today. Thanks for watching, me old cockers.
0:26:29 > 0:26:34- Mr Hacker! I've had an e-mail from Noshworld!- Ooh, what does it say?
0:26:34 > 0:26:37- Is it good news?- Not quite. They've been shut down.
0:26:37 > 0:26:41Turns out that cabbage-flavoured ham's made from rancid old rubbish!
0:26:41 > 0:26:43Oh!
0:26:43 > 0:26:45GURGLING
0:26:45 > 0:26:47HE RETCHES
0:26:47 > 0:26:51I know, that's why I like it! Yummy!
0:26:51 > 0:26:54I know what'll cheer you lot up. Me good old end song.
0:26:54 > 0:26:56Join in if you don't hate it. Goodbye!
0:27:01 > 0:27:03# That is it for now, the end of the show
0:27:03 > 0:27:06# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go
0:27:06 > 0:27:08# I'll see you next time on this show of mine
0:27:08 > 0:27:11# Put it in your diary - it's called Hacker Time
0:27:11 > 0:27:13# It's been amazing we've been larking around
0:27:13 > 0:27:15# The whole programme cost just under a pound
0:27:15 > 0:27:18# Watch again next time cos we've got much more
0:27:18 > 0:27:20# There'll be tons of other funny stuff, it will be top drawer
0:27:20 > 0:27:25# Deborah Meaden from Dragons' Den dropped in today to join me
0:27:25 > 0:27:26# I asked her things
0:27:26 > 0:27:30# I sang a song and we put on an elaborate Dragons' Den parody
0:27:30 > 0:27:32# That is it for now the end of the show
0:27:32 > 0:27:35# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go
0:27:35 > 0:27:37# I'll see you next time on this show and mine
0:27:37 > 0:27:39# Put it I your diary it's called Hacker Time
0:27:39 > 0:27:42# Put it in your diary it's called Hacker Time. #
0:27:42 > 0:27:44That is the end of today's Hacker Time!
0:27:44 > 0:27:47HACKER RETCHES