0:00:02 > 0:00:05Hacker Time should be consumed in moderation
0:00:05 > 0:00:07as part of a comedy-controlled diet.
0:00:07 > 0:00:09Morning! How is everyone today?
0:00:09 > 0:00:11HACKER GRUNTS
0:00:11 > 0:00:12Pah!
0:00:12 > 0:00:14What's up wi' you two?
0:00:14 > 0:00:16They've had an argument.
0:00:16 > 0:00:17Mm?
0:00:17 > 0:00:20Hacker told Wilf he didn't like his down-turned mouth.
0:00:21 > 0:00:23Hacker? There's nothing wrong with Wilf's mouth!
0:00:23 > 0:00:24WILF MUMBLES
0:00:24 > 0:00:26Now apologise to Wilf right now!
0:00:28 > 0:00:32Tell Wilf, "I'm not sorry. Get a life!"
0:00:32 > 0:00:33OK!
0:00:34 > 0:00:37He says he wants a curry. Have you got a knife?
0:00:39 > 0:00:42He says he enjoys Corrie - it's full of strife.
0:00:44 > 0:00:48Hacker says, he's in a hurry. Will you be his wife?
0:00:48 > 0:00:51Huh?! Well, this is all moving very quickly.
0:00:51 > 0:00:54But go on, then, yes!
0:00:55 > 0:00:56I do!
0:00:56 > 0:00:57How wonderful!
0:00:57 > 0:00:58Smile!
0:00:58 > 0:01:00WEDDING BELLS PEAL
0:01:00 > 0:01:01SHUTTER CLICKS
0:01:04 > 0:01:05# You gonna watch this
0:01:08 > 0:01:09# You gotta watch this
0:01:11 > 0:01:14# You gotta watch this... #
0:01:14 > 0:01:18- HE RAPS:- My, my, my, my programme hits you so hard
0:01:18 > 0:01:19Makes me say Oh, my word!
0:01:19 > 0:01:22Thank you for watching me It's telly
0:01:22 > 0:01:23But not what you normally see
0:01:23 > 0:01:25It feels good And there's out-takes, too
0:01:25 > 0:01:27Comedy, guests and clips It's true
0:01:27 > 0:01:29So sit back, don't move too much This is a show
0:01:29 > 0:01:31Ha! You can't touch
0:01:31 > 0:01:32Stop! Hacker time!
0:01:33 > 0:01:35Thank you.
0:01:35 > 0:01:36Stand by then, everyone.
0:01:36 > 0:01:39We're on air in five,
0:01:39 > 0:01:40four,
0:01:40 > 0:01:41three,
0:01:41 > 0:01:42two,
0:01:42 > 0:01:44one.
0:01:44 > 0:01:45EXPLOSION
0:01:45 > 0:01:46Cue Hacker!
0:01:47 > 0:01:49You all right, cockers?
0:01:49 > 0:01:52Today's show is going to be Officially Amazing!
0:01:52 > 0:01:53- ALL:- Ooh!
0:01:53 > 0:01:55Yo, not in that way.
0:01:55 > 0:01:59It's just about Officially Amazing, the programme.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01This show will have the same old tat in it.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04Hurray! Tat! I love tat!
0:02:04 > 0:02:07Before we meet my very special guest, it's time to go
0:02:07 > 0:02:09and collect him, and when I say "collect"
0:02:09 > 0:02:11I mean "capture!"
0:02:14 > 0:02:17Hello there, Ben Shires here to see an Officially Amazing parakeet.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19- Ben Shires, is it? Ben Shires? - Yeah, that's me.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22- Come with me, mate, in the lift. - Are you sure?
0:02:22 > 0:02:24THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER
0:02:24 > 0:02:26This doesn't seem quite right, actually,
0:02:26 > 0:02:29I think I'm definitely meant... What?!
0:02:29 > 0:02:31Hey!
0:02:31 > 0:02:33ALARM BLARES
0:02:33 > 0:02:36Aaargh!
0:02:42 > 0:02:44Ladies and gentlemen, it's Ben Shires!
0:02:46 > 0:02:49Hiya, Ben, you're on Hacker Time!
0:02:49 > 0:02:51What?! Hacker Time?
0:02:51 > 0:02:54I swore I'd never come on Hacker Time, I'm off!
0:02:54 > 0:02:56No, no, no, don't go, cocker,
0:02:56 > 0:02:59I've not told you how much we're paying you yet.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01Your fee is record-breaking!
0:03:01 > 0:03:02Ooh, I love records!
0:03:02 > 0:03:04No, no, let me finish.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06Record-breakingly low!
0:03:06 > 0:03:10Right, OK, I feel like I'm committed now, so I'm all about the records.
0:03:10 > 0:03:11Let's do this, I'll stay.
0:03:11 > 0:03:14Huzzah! Well, we can't hang about here chatting all day, cocker,
0:03:14 > 0:03:15we've got a show to make.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18Derek, the Fact File!
0:03:18 > 0:03:19Right yer are, Hacker!
0:03:21 > 0:03:23Ben Shires is a human man,
0:03:23 > 0:03:26who appears on CBBC's Officially Amazing.
0:03:26 > 0:03:30In the show his mates, such as sizzling Steve, do all the hard work
0:03:30 > 0:03:33trying to break world records whilst he messes about doing nothing!
0:03:33 > 0:03:36Here he is wasting time in a bathtub.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39Messing around as a dog/bear thing.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41And here he is committing atrocities
0:03:41 > 0:03:44to a small plastic action figure - what a terrible man he is,
0:03:44 > 0:03:46although he is quite nattily dressed.
0:03:46 > 0:03:51And that's almost all you need to know about Ben Shires.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54Ooh, that was a lot more interesting than I thought it would be, Ben.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56Ben?!
0:03:57 > 0:03:59What's the meaning of this?
0:03:59 > 0:04:01I'm livid! Benjamin!
0:04:01 > 0:04:03You look so fly, Ben.
0:04:03 > 0:04:04I'm glad you think so.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07But I was thinking of going more your style, with the shirt
0:04:07 > 0:04:09and maybe crimping my hair.
0:04:09 > 0:04:13Well, this is the look that'll really be in next season.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16Herman? I'll tell you what's OUT this season.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18Oh, yeah, what's that?
0:04:18 > 0:04:20YOU! Get out of my studio!
0:04:20 > 0:04:21OK.
0:04:21 > 0:04:22Don't talk to him.
0:04:22 > 0:04:24Don't wave at him!
0:04:24 > 0:04:26He's an officially cool dude!
0:04:26 > 0:04:28He's officially a dud!
0:04:28 > 0:04:30I won him at a charity tombola, cocker.
0:04:30 > 0:04:32Now I can't get rid of him.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35Without further ado, let's crack on with the show, me old cockle.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37You'll like it, Ben, it's like your show,
0:04:37 > 0:04:39except it's interesting and fun.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41And we've got catering! Ha-ha!
0:04:41 > 0:04:43Larry? The menu!
0:04:43 > 0:04:47Today's Hacker Time will be a roller-coaster ride of emotions.
0:04:47 > 0:04:49Look out for excitement.
0:04:49 > 0:04:50Thrills.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52And total disgust!
0:04:52 > 0:04:53Knew it!
0:04:53 > 0:04:57Coming up, Hacker asks a probing question.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59- How does she wipe her...? - HACKER WHISTLES
0:04:59 > 0:05:01..Wilf is finally given the push...
0:05:01 > 0:05:04I'm forty-threeeeeee...!
0:05:04 > 0:05:08..and it's all getting a bit steamy in Trumpalot.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10That's Hacker Time!
0:05:10 > 0:05:14Ben Shires from record-breaking show Officially Amazing,
0:05:14 > 0:05:16are you ready for your interview?
0:05:16 > 0:05:18- I think I am, yes.- Well done!
0:05:18 > 0:05:20You've just broken the record for the best answer
0:05:20 > 0:05:21to an interview question ever!
0:05:21 > 0:05:23Here! Have a certificate!
0:05:23 > 0:05:26- FANFARE - There you go, well done.- Thanks.
0:05:26 > 0:05:29"Best answer to an interview..." Well, says it all.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31Have you got anything you'd like to say about this award?
0:05:31 > 0:05:33I'll have to clear a new space on my mantelpiece.
0:05:33 > 0:05:37All right, all right, all right - don't go on about it, cocker.
0:05:37 > 0:05:38Let's get on with the proper questioning.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41What's been your favourite ever record?
0:05:41 > 0:05:43Well, there's loads to choose from,
0:05:43 > 0:05:45but I always enjoy the animal records.
0:05:45 > 0:05:49I think there's some great, like, dogs surfing
0:05:49 > 0:05:50or the world's most qualified camel.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53There are some great ones. All very interesting, cocker.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55Would you like to hear about my favourite record, Ben?
0:05:55 > 0:05:58Yeah, I would, actually. I'm glad that you've got one.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00- Enya's Greatest Hits. - ORINOCO FLOW PLAYS
0:06:00 > 0:06:03This is a vinyl record, which is how they played music
0:06:03 > 0:06:05several decades before MP3s.
0:06:05 > 0:06:08The singer in question, Enya, is a warbling woman from the past.
0:06:08 > 0:06:11Now don't say I never teach you anything!
0:06:11 > 0:06:12MUSIC FINISHES ABRUPTLY
0:06:12 > 0:06:16Now, Ben, there's one question I've always wanted to ask you.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19Are you a professor from the 1930s?
0:06:19 > 0:06:22Well, how did you ever come to that conclusion, Hacker?
0:06:22 > 0:06:24Cos you dress like one!
0:06:24 > 0:06:26Right, well, that's true, actually.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28Although I am speaking to a talking dog,
0:06:28 > 0:06:31so I think we've both got things which are slightly unusual about us.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33Well, I'm furious with that comment, cocker,
0:06:33 > 0:06:36but at least something good's come out of your daft outfit,
0:06:36 > 0:06:38because you've actually won the award for the person
0:06:38 > 0:06:41that looks most like a professor from the 1930s!
0:06:41 > 0:06:45Vat?! Oh, come on! I am furious about zis!
0:06:45 > 0:06:48- FANFARE - There you go. Well deserved, mate.
0:06:48 > 0:06:52- Oh, thank you.- You've met some really unique people along the way,
0:06:52 > 0:06:54like stunt skateboarders,
0:06:54 > 0:06:56a woman that pulls cars with her ears
0:06:56 > 0:06:58and even dogs on scooters.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01He's just showing off, look.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03I didn't actually get to meet him, unfortunately.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06- Oh, why not?- I know, he was too high-profile for me.
0:07:06 > 0:07:10- That was left to Al in America. - And he's got distemper.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12But what I want to know is this -
0:07:12 > 0:07:15what is the weirdest record you've ever seen?
0:07:15 > 0:07:16The weirdest?
0:07:16 > 0:07:20I think it must be the woman with the world's longest fingernails.
0:07:20 > 0:07:21Ho-ho, that is weird, innit?
0:07:21 > 0:07:23Yeah, really, really weird. She can't really do anything.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26If she wants to do the washing up, she has to use a pair of tongs,
0:07:26 > 0:07:29because otherwise she can't actually get her hands in.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31- How does she wipe her...? - HE WHISTLES
0:07:31 > 0:07:32Her nose? I don't know.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34No, I didn't mean nose.
0:07:34 > 0:07:35Well, my weirdest record is this.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37- It's Enya's Greatest Hits. - ORINOCO FLOW PLAYS
0:07:37 > 0:07:39Yes, it's a thing you can't even play any more
0:07:39 > 0:07:42cos there's no machines left, ha-ha!
0:07:42 > 0:07:46- Nothing if not original, Hacker. - Yep. Done it twice, that gag.
0:07:46 > 0:07:47Niddle ye fret.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49I'll probably doing it again before th'end.
0:07:49 > 0:07:52Moving on, do you remember that time when Wilf Breadbin was doing
0:07:52 > 0:07:55some routine maintenance on the set of Officially Amazing?
0:07:55 > 0:07:56Erm...
0:07:56 > 0:07:58DRAMATIC MUSIC
0:07:58 > 0:08:01Could we be about to see something very special?
0:08:01 > 0:08:03Special?!
0:08:03 > 0:08:04Just changing a light bulb, mate.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06Nothing special here.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09Oh, look at the ground disappearing
0:08:09 > 0:08:10rapidly beneath him.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13- He's 71, you know!- 71?!
0:08:13 > 0:08:16Hey, I'm 43, you cheeky monkey!
0:08:16 > 0:08:18- Any last words?- Yeah.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20Get me down!
0:08:20 > 0:08:23- Good luck, Grandad!- I told you,
0:08:23 > 0:08:26I'm forty-threeeee!
0:08:26 > 0:08:28WILF GROANS
0:08:28 > 0:08:33I didn't...agree...to this!
0:08:33 > 0:08:36HE CRIES OUT
0:08:36 > 0:08:37Thoughts?
0:08:37 > 0:08:40Well, weird. I don't remember Wilf on the day,
0:08:40 > 0:08:42- but seeing it now, it must have happened.- Yeah.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44Cos it was really well done, that, weren't it?
0:08:44 > 0:08:46Yeah, well done like a fine steak.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49Yeah. Moving on, as well as being a presenter
0:08:49 > 0:08:51and a professor from the 1930s,
0:08:51 > 0:08:54you're also a stand-up comedian, ain't you?
0:08:54 > 0:08:55Yeah, sometimes.
0:08:55 > 0:08:56Can you tell us a joke?
0:08:56 > 0:08:59Yeah, OK, then - did you know that I didn't go to real school,
0:08:59 > 0:09:00I went to baking college.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02Because exams there are a piece of cake.
0:09:02 > 0:09:03BA-DUM TISH!
0:09:05 > 0:09:06I don't get it.
0:09:06 > 0:09:07I've got a good joke.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09Herman!
0:09:09 > 0:09:10Yeah, yeah?
0:09:10 > 0:09:12That's it, look. He's the joke.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14- Ha-ha-ha-ha!- Not funny.
0:09:14 > 0:09:15Ooh, but harsh, that.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18Yeah, well, I've got a really unfunny joke -
0:09:18 > 0:09:20you, Hacker!
0:09:20 > 0:09:23LAUGHTER
0:09:23 > 0:09:26I agree! Hacker's not funny at all!
0:09:26 > 0:09:30It's true. I should know - I married him earlier in this episode.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33- Nailed it!- Ha-ha-ha(!)
0:09:33 > 0:09:35Right, we've all had enough lols here.
0:09:35 > 0:09:39Well, I've barely lol'ed at all listening to you!
0:09:39 > 0:09:41LAUGHTER
0:09:41 > 0:09:42Oh, it's funny!
0:09:44 > 0:09:45LAUGHTER CONTINUES
0:09:45 > 0:09:47Stop that! Stop it!
0:09:47 > 0:09:50Stop it off!
0:09:50 > 0:09:52Larry, why don't you just tell us what's next?
0:09:52 > 0:09:56It's time for another visit to the kingdom of Trumpalot
0:09:56 > 0:10:00in our spectacular drama, A Knight's Tail,
0:10:00 > 0:10:04and today our brave heroes go on a long and dangerous quest.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08DRAMATIC MUSIC
0:10:23 > 0:10:27It was a time of celebration in Trumpalot.
0:10:27 > 0:10:30And that's why this banquet and meat raffle will be the most successful
0:10:30 > 0:10:33in Trumpalot's history.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35Will there be...roast pheasant?
0:10:35 > 0:10:37Yes.
0:10:37 > 0:10:40Will there be a tombola?
0:10:40 > 0:10:42Of course!
0:10:42 > 0:10:43And most importantly,
0:10:43 > 0:10:47there will be lashings of dragon poo soup for everyone.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50BOTH: Dragon poo soup?!
0:10:50 > 0:10:52Yes, it's my favourite meal.
0:10:52 > 0:10:56Without dragon poo soup, there is no banquet.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58- PANTING:- Your Majesty?
0:10:58 > 0:10:59What is it, cook?
0:10:59 > 0:11:02We're out of dragon poo soup!
0:11:02 > 0:11:04STEAM WHISTLES
0:11:04 > 0:11:06- NARRATOR:- And so it was that the queen sent her knights
0:11:06 > 0:11:10on a dangerous quest for dragon poo soup.
0:11:10 > 0:11:14- Can't you just order some off the internet?- Don't be ridiculous!
0:11:14 > 0:11:16The connection speed is terrible at this time in history.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18Oh, yeah!
0:11:18 > 0:11:21Besides, the only place you can find this mystical soup
0:11:21 > 0:11:23is deep in the lair of the dragon.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25HACKER GASPS
0:11:25 > 0:11:27Never fear, Your Majesty,
0:11:27 > 0:11:29for we will climb hill and dale,
0:11:29 > 0:11:32we shall ford rivers and streams
0:11:32 > 0:11:33and know this,
0:11:33 > 0:11:35and know this well -
0:11:35 > 0:11:37we shall not return...
0:11:37 > 0:11:39until we are victorious!
0:11:39 > 0:11:42Have you anything to add, Sir Loinsteak?
0:11:42 > 0:11:45I've got pink wellies on!
0:11:45 > 0:11:47- HIGH-PITCHED:- Nyaaaaaa!
0:11:47 > 0:11:49HIGH-PITCHED: Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!
0:11:55 > 0:12:00And so it came to pass that our two gallant heroes
0:12:00 > 0:12:05travelled for 40 days and 40 nights in search of the dragon's lair.
0:12:07 > 0:12:12- I'm afraid we will never find the dragon's la...- Don't worry, cocker!
0:12:12 > 0:12:14If my calculations are correct,
0:12:14 > 0:12:16we should be approaching it right now.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21You've led us back to where we started!
0:12:21 > 0:12:23I know!
0:12:23 > 0:12:25The dragon lives in the castle dungeons.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27BANGING
0:12:28 > 0:12:30DOOR CREAKS
0:12:30 > 0:12:33- POSH VOICE:- Oh, hello!
0:12:33 > 0:12:35I'm the dragon Poo.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38Please do come in.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43Ah, so your name is Poo
0:12:43 > 0:12:46and that's why it's called Dragon Poo soup?
0:12:46 > 0:12:48Oh, aren't we silly!
0:12:48 > 0:12:51We thought it was made from your plop-plop.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53Oh, don't be so ridiculous.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56Here, try some.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05So if it's not made from your poo, what is it made from?
0:13:05 > 0:13:07Snot.
0:13:07 > 0:13:12My brown, filthy chargrilled snot.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15Om-nom-nom-nom-nom...
0:13:15 > 0:13:18I don't believe it!
0:13:18 > 0:13:21It's delicious.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23You've eaten all of it.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26- What are we going to give to the queen?!- Don't worry, cocker.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29I know the very thing.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31It's brown,
0:13:31 > 0:13:33it's lumpy,
0:13:33 > 0:13:36and it smells absolutely revolting.
0:13:37 > 0:13:38You don't mean...?
0:13:40 > 0:13:43SHE SPITS OUT
0:13:43 > 0:13:46Oxtail soup?!
0:13:46 > 0:13:48Off with their heads!
0:13:48 > 0:13:50STEEL WHOOSHES
0:13:50 > 0:13:52BOTH: What ARE we like?
0:13:58 > 0:14:00I made that myself, you know, Ben.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02Oh, really? I'd never have guessed.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04Do you know what gets me through the day?
0:14:04 > 0:14:06The love of my adoring fans.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09I get loads of letters in, cockle, oh, yes.
0:14:09 > 0:14:10But I don't read them myself, no!
0:14:10 > 0:14:13I've got a team of fools to read them for me.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15Herman! Wilf!
0:14:15 > 0:14:20Dowse me in fun and my canine body, coat it in words!
0:14:20 > 0:14:21Thanks, Hacker.
0:14:21 > 0:14:22This is the Opinion Parlour,
0:14:22 > 0:14:26the place where we look at your comments about the programme.
0:14:26 > 0:14:30And in honour of Ben Shires and his record-breaking ways,
0:14:30 > 0:14:34- we've been asking what you've broken.- Yes.
0:14:34 > 0:14:35Anne from Eccles says,
0:14:35 > 0:14:38"I've broken my TV set..."
0:14:41 > 0:14:43And Phil from Uruguay says,
0:14:43 > 0:14:45"I've broken a promise to myself..."
0:14:48 > 0:14:49Thanks, Philip.
0:14:49 > 0:14:52Lolly, why are they reading out all these complaints?
0:14:52 > 0:14:53This is going terribly!
0:14:53 > 0:14:56Yeah. Move on to the Opinion Poll.
0:14:56 > 0:14:59Yes, sorry, Lorraine.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02It's time now to see what the Opinion Poll's been saying.
0:15:02 > 0:15:06I think apples should be pear-shaped, ooh!
0:15:06 > 0:15:08Well, thank you very much...
0:15:08 > 0:15:10Opinion Poll.
0:15:10 > 0:15:14Well, if you'd like to get in touch and tell us what's on your mind,
0:15:14 > 0:15:15you can't because the phone's broken.
0:15:15 > 0:15:17THEY SIGH
0:15:17 > 0:15:19That's it for today's Opinion Parlour.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21Yeah, and we're off now for our break.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24BOTH: Whoa! CRASHING AND COW MOOS
0:15:24 > 0:15:27Thank you, Wilf and Herman, for absolutely nothing.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30Now, Ben, you know your show, Officially Amazing?
0:15:30 > 0:15:31It does ring a bell, yeah.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33There are lots of things I like about it
0:15:33 > 0:15:36but I also have a few suggestions,
0:15:36 > 0:15:38as will become apparent during this song I wrote.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41- Here we go.- Good day!
0:15:41 > 0:15:44RAGTIME JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS
0:15:47 > 0:15:52# Records for chopsticks used in stacking dice really high... #
0:15:52 > 0:15:53Yep, yep...
0:15:53 > 0:15:58# Records for throwing cowpats far into the sky
0:15:58 > 0:16:03# Records for being the best at carving a scary pumpkin... #
0:16:03 > 0:16:04No.
0:16:04 > 0:16:09# Racing bugs, balloon-popping dogs it's Officially Amazing... #
0:16:09 > 0:16:10Oh, OK.
0:16:10 > 0:16:15# Records for really fast wrapping of some fish and chips
0:16:15 > 0:16:19# Records for wearing flippers whilst also trying to skip... #
0:16:19 > 0:16:21Surprisingly hard.
0:16:21 > 0:16:26# Records for surfing with a basketball in a spin
0:16:26 > 0:16:30# Eating fire, juggling tyres, it's Officially Amazing... #
0:16:30 > 0:16:32You've watched it, then.
0:16:32 > 0:16:34# In series three, I'd like to see
0:16:34 > 0:16:37# A goat who can gloat for smelling most like a stoat
0:16:37 > 0:16:39# A juggling nan or a grape with a tan
0:16:39 > 0:16:42# A tap-dancing baby or a really tall lady
0:16:42 > 0:16:45# A cat breathing fire or a really small friar
0:16:45 > 0:16:47# Or a man with the smelliest pits
0:16:47 > 0:16:50# You see what I'm saying? It must be amazing
0:16:50 > 0:16:53# And I like my shows to officially amaze
0:16:56 > 0:16:59# It's Officially Amazing, ha! #
0:16:59 > 0:17:00What do you think, cocker?
0:17:00 > 0:17:02It thought it was great.
0:17:02 > 0:17:04I'm just impressed that you've watched any episodes
0:17:04 > 0:17:06in order to make that song.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08- Ha, I haven't.- Oh.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10Well, it's time for Larry to tell us what's coming up next.
0:17:10 > 0:17:12Take it away, Lazza.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15Still to come on today's Hacker Time,
0:17:15 > 0:17:18disco fever hits the Quarter Past 4 O'Clock Club...
0:17:19 > 0:17:22..Ben proves record breaking is as easy as pie...
0:17:22 > 0:17:26- It's tasty!- And who's this character lurking in the lifts?
0:17:26 > 0:17:27Hello!
0:17:27 > 0:17:31All still to come on Hacker Time.
0:17:31 > 0:17:32Now, did I ever tell you about the time
0:17:32 > 0:17:34I went for lunch with Sue Barker?
0:17:34 > 0:17:37Oh, it was exciting. Me and Sue went out for lunch, right.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40- We got the bus down to the... - Oh, he's off on one again.
0:17:42 > 0:17:46Er, Derek, we're all heading out for a pizza after work.
0:17:46 > 0:17:49- Do you think your mummy will let you come?- Of course!
0:17:49 > 0:17:52I may still live with my mother but she's really cool.
0:17:52 > 0:17:53She lets me do anything I like
0:17:53 > 0:17:56and she lets me call her by her first name.
0:17:56 > 0:17:57What is her name?
0:17:57 > 0:18:00- Mother.- De-rek!
0:18:00 > 0:18:03- Hello, Mother! - Don't call me by my first name!
0:18:03 > 0:18:05Sorry, Mother.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08By the way, I'm going for pizza after the show today.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10Oh, no, you're not!
0:18:10 > 0:18:13You know pizza makes you gassy!
0:18:13 > 0:18:14Oh, which reminds me -
0:18:14 > 0:18:17it's Brussels sprout soup for tea.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20Oh, but Mother, I don't like Brussels sprouts!
0:18:20 > 0:18:22You'll eat what you're given, young man!
0:18:22 > 0:18:23No arguing!
0:18:23 > 0:18:27And tonight I want you in bed by 5pm!
0:18:27 > 0:18:29- Huh!- Ooh...
0:18:29 > 0:18:30I told you she was easy-going.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32She normally sends me to bed at half past four.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34Hoo-hoo!
0:18:34 > 0:18:37Over to you, Larry, ho-hey.
0:18:37 > 0:18:38Ladies and gentlemen,
0:18:38 > 0:18:42prepare to witness something that is not just Officially Amazing,
0:18:42 > 0:18:44it's genuinely average!
0:18:47 > 0:18:50- Yeah, it's just a cheap Officially Amazing knock-off, isn't it?- Yep.
0:18:50 > 0:18:52Except the difference is you're going to be the one
0:18:52 > 0:18:54breaking the world records this time,
0:18:54 > 0:18:58instead of lolloping lazily on the sidelines like you normally do.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00I'll have you know my lolloping is world-class.
0:19:00 > 0:19:01I'll be the judge of that!
0:19:01 > 0:19:04Now we need a random man in a suit to stand in the background,
0:19:04 > 0:19:06so please welcome my chum,
0:19:06 > 0:19:08Sir Jeff Jeffington.
0:19:09 > 0:19:13- Hello.- Hang on, is he an official world record adjudicator?
0:19:13 > 0:19:15Without further ado, Ben,
0:19:15 > 0:19:18why don't you reveal your first challenge?
0:19:20 > 0:19:22So, Jeff, what does Ben have to do here?
0:19:22 > 0:19:26Ben, you'll have 15 seconds to move as many chocolates as you can
0:19:26 > 0:19:30from one bowl to the other using merely a straw.
0:19:30 > 0:19:31Ooh!
0:19:31 > 0:19:33How do you feel about this one, Ben?
0:19:33 > 0:19:35Well, it's not my specialist event,
0:19:35 > 0:19:37but I will still try and "bowl" you over.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40In that case, your time starts...
0:19:40 > 0:19:42Yes, I think the options are lamb
0:19:42 > 0:19:44and there's a salmon steak or something, maybe chips.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46I'd quite like the salmon...
0:19:46 > 0:19:47..NOW!
0:19:51 > 0:19:53Come on, Ben, you can do it, cocker.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56You can do it, baby!
0:19:56 > 0:20:00- Nice straw action there, Ben, yeah. - Come on, you're doing me proud.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03- KLAXON BLARES - That's it. Time's up.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05How did he do, Jeffrey?
0:20:05 > 0:20:08Sadly, he failed to get any chocolates into the bowl.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10Eh, yes, I did... BURPING
0:20:10 > 0:20:11Wh...what?
0:20:11 > 0:20:14Oh, yeah, yeah - sorry about that, cocker, I got a bit peckish.
0:20:16 > 0:20:18You have ruined this for me!
0:20:18 > 0:20:21And you ruined those chocolates for me -
0:20:21 > 0:20:24they were all breathed on and covered in spittle.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26Moving on, it's time to get serious, now -
0:20:26 > 0:20:29it's time for the Mega Record!
0:20:31 > 0:20:33This next challenge is the big one -
0:20:33 > 0:20:35it's guaranteed to win you a world record.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38Yes. You've got to pie yourself in the face
0:20:38 > 0:20:41whilst having feathers dropped upon you.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43I'll be monitoring how quickly you can do it
0:20:43 > 0:20:46with the all-important stopwatch.
0:20:46 > 0:20:49Right...this doesn't sound like a real record to me.
0:20:49 > 0:20:53So, without further ado, your time starts...
0:20:53 > 0:20:56- How was the lunch?- It was all right. - Nice clock - is it wound up?
0:20:56 > 0:21:00- I think so - all I have to do is press the button.- All right.
0:21:01 > 0:21:03- Now! Start the clock! - KLAXON BLARES
0:21:05 > 0:21:07- Whoo-hoo!- Come on!
0:21:07 > 0:21:08Go for another pie - go on, Ben!
0:21:08 > 0:21:09Dairy!
0:21:09 > 0:21:12- Yeah, come on, Ben! - You can do it, Benjamin.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14Go on - stick another pie in your face!
0:21:14 > 0:21:15Right in your mush, son.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17BEN: It's tasty.
0:21:17 > 0:21:20- Keep going, Benjamin. - Come on, Ben, keep going! Yeah!
0:21:20 > 0:21:22He's only gone and done it!
0:21:24 > 0:21:25How did I go?
0:21:25 > 0:21:28Argh! Oh, had you started? I wasn't watching.
0:21:28 > 0:21:31And I didn't start my stopwatch.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33What?! That's it - I'm off!
0:21:33 > 0:21:35Sizzling Steve won't believe this!
0:21:35 > 0:21:39Join us next week for another disappointing episode of...
0:21:41 > 0:21:45Ladies and gentlemen, it's time to go to school.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48But don't worry, you aren't likely to learn anything.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50It's the Quarter Past 4 O'Clock Club!
0:21:53 > 0:21:54Josh!
0:21:54 > 0:21:56There you are.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58Urgh...why are you scratching?
0:21:58 > 0:22:01Sir, I've been contaminated.
0:22:01 > 0:22:02I've got nits!
0:22:02 > 0:22:04OMINOUS ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS
0:22:04 > 0:22:06And they've learned to play the pipe organ.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08ORGAN MUSIC CONTINUES
0:22:08 > 0:22:11# The legend of the louse has returned to Elmsbury High
0:22:11 > 0:22:16# A letter has been sent home and I think I'm gonna cry
0:22:16 > 0:22:17# Don't worry, Josh
0:22:17 > 0:22:19# There's no need to be sad
0:22:19 > 0:22:24# Whiffy Buff's had them for ages and he doesn't look too bad
0:22:24 > 0:22:28# Already got my shampoo and I have a nit comb
0:22:28 > 0:22:30# It's not my fault they're in there
0:22:30 > 0:22:32# It's just where they feel at home
0:22:32 > 0:22:34# There are measures to be taken
0:22:34 > 0:22:36# You can visit the nit nurse
0:22:36 > 0:22:38# You might make some new friends
0:22:38 > 0:22:41# Things could be a whole lot worse
0:22:41 > 0:22:42# Maybe you're right
0:22:42 > 0:22:45# I should heed what you said
0:22:45 > 0:22:47# Then scratch that bangin' record
0:22:47 > 0:22:49# Like you scratch your tiny head
0:22:49 > 0:22:52# We've got nits
0:22:52 > 0:22:54# In our hair
0:22:54 > 0:22:57# And we just don't care
0:22:57 > 0:23:01# We have lice
0:23:01 > 0:23:03# And it's nice
0:23:03 > 0:23:08# And we like to share. #
0:23:08 > 0:23:10LOUSE SQUEAKS HAPPILY
0:23:11 > 0:23:13Now on Hacker Time,
0:23:13 > 0:23:18it's the exciting, nail-biting, awe-inspiring part of the show
0:23:18 > 0:23:19where Hacker likes to say...
0:23:19 > 0:23:22Ben Shires, Get Out!
0:23:26 > 0:23:27Well, that's a bit rude.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29It's the name of the next part of the show, cocker -
0:23:29 > 0:23:31it's my dead good game show.
0:23:31 > 0:23:33You see, I've had enough of you for one day,
0:23:33 > 0:23:36so I'm going to get rid of you from my studio.
0:23:36 > 0:23:37- Charming.- Yes.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40You'll be fighting to get back up to the ground floor,
0:23:40 > 0:23:42so you can return to your record-breaking friends.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44Get a question right and you go up a level.
0:23:44 > 0:23:47Get one wrong and you go back down a level.
0:23:47 > 0:23:50When the time's up, you'll either leave or end up in another
0:23:50 > 0:23:52one of my weird and wonderful floors,
0:23:52 > 0:23:56like the one that houses Algernon's rancid walking meat closet.
0:23:56 > 0:23:57Hello!
0:23:58 > 0:24:00What do you think about that, cocker?
0:24:00 > 0:24:03- Sounds less than tasty, really. - Yes, it does.
0:24:03 > 0:24:05You've got until you hear this sound...
0:24:05 > 0:24:08ACCORDION PLAYS
0:24:08 > 0:24:11So, in three, two, Q...go!
0:24:11 > 0:24:13Which of these is not an existing Guinness world record?
0:24:13 > 0:24:16Is it A - the largest collection of sick bags?
0:24:16 > 0:24:18B - smelliest trump?
0:24:18 > 0:24:21Or C - distance you can squirt milk from your eye?
0:24:21 > 0:24:24I think it might be B, smelliest trump.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26Correct! It is smelliest trump.
0:24:26 > 0:24:30Listen to this sound and tell me what record Wilf was attempting.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32LIQUID SLOSHES
0:24:32 > 0:24:34Oh, that stinks!
0:24:35 > 0:24:38Was it A - fastest unblocking of a toilet?
0:24:38 > 0:24:41Or was it B - longest time spent kissing a skunk?
0:24:41 > 0:24:43I'm going to go for A.
0:24:43 > 0:24:46Incorrect - he was actually kissing a skunk.
0:24:46 > 0:24:49I don't why either, cocker. You lose a floor.
0:24:49 > 0:24:53Question three - which TV show did I ruin this week?
0:24:53 > 0:24:55Was it A - Coronation Street?
0:24:55 > 0:24:57Or was it B - Emmerdale?
0:24:57 > 0:25:00You're more at home in that kind of farm setting - Emmerdale.
0:25:00 > 0:25:01Let's see if you're right.
0:25:01 > 0:25:04EMMERDALE THEME MUSIC PLAYS
0:25:04 > 0:25:06Action!
0:25:06 > 0:25:08I'm just a Cockney man
0:25:08 > 0:25:11on my way down to the market to pick up some apples and pears
0:25:11 > 0:25:15then go to the Queen Vic and have a row with Phil Mitchell.
0:25:15 > 0:25:17Cut! This is Emmerdale, you fool!
0:25:17 > 0:25:19Oh, yeah!
0:25:21 > 0:25:26You are correct, Benjamin - I was milling about in Emmerdale.
0:25:26 > 0:25:29What job around the studio has Herman forgotten to do?
0:25:29 > 0:25:32A - remove the banana skins from the floor?
0:25:32 > 0:25:36Or B - get the cat smell out of the drains?
0:25:36 > 0:25:41Um...well, I did notice an odour, so I'm going to say the cat smell.
0:25:41 > 0:25:43Let's find out if you're right - Herman?
0:25:43 > 0:25:45Well, it's easy, ain't it?
0:25:45 > 0:25:46- Argh! - THUD
0:25:46 > 0:25:50Turns out it was the banana one. All right, Herman.
0:25:50 > 0:25:54Which celebrity has been McGee'd in this picture?
0:25:54 > 0:25:55Oh, I'm struggling.
0:25:55 > 0:25:57Is it...James Corden?
0:25:57 > 0:25:59No! Very close, though.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01It was TV's Phil Mitchell.
0:26:01 > 0:26:03BEN LAUGHS
0:26:03 > 0:26:04Next one - catch this!
0:26:05 > 0:26:06Ugh!
0:26:06 > 0:26:08Correct - up a floor.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13Oh, you did really badly there, cocker -
0:26:13 > 0:26:15you're not Officially Amazing.
0:26:15 > 0:26:17You're Officially Rubbish!
0:26:17 > 0:26:19There's no way you're going back to the ground floor now.
0:26:19 > 0:26:23So I'm going to send you off to one of my weird and wonderful floors -
0:26:23 > 0:26:27yes, you're going to Rex and Billy's Balloon Folding Workshop!
0:26:27 > 0:26:29What do you think about that, cocker?
0:26:29 > 0:26:31Oh, come on, Hacker! Let me stay here with you.
0:26:31 > 0:26:32We could have a great time...
0:26:32 > 0:26:34- No. Get out!- OK.
0:26:34 > 0:26:35Take the meat and leave!
0:26:35 > 0:26:37You're giving me the chop?
0:26:37 > 0:26:39Wave it at Billy when you get there - go on, get out.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42If you rethought this, Hacker, we could have a great time together.
0:26:42 > 0:26:43- Out!- Just meeting you...
0:26:43 > 0:26:45Any last words before you go, Ben?
0:26:45 > 0:26:47There was one thing, actually...
0:26:47 > 0:26:48HACKER LAUGHS
0:26:48 > 0:26:51What a strangely dressed but lovely young man.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53Thanks for joining me today, me old cockers -
0:26:53 > 0:26:55even I've had enough of this show now.
0:26:55 > 0:26:58I'm off home because I have no other plans whatsoever.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00Ooh, ooh, ooh! Hacker?
0:27:00 > 0:27:04If you're free, maybe we could grab a milkshake together.
0:27:04 > 0:27:08Oh, Herman, I would love to, but I've...got plans.
0:27:08 > 0:27:10But you just said you didn't have any plans.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12What's that, Derek? Time to play the end song?
0:27:12 > 0:27:14Must dash!
0:27:19 > 0:27:21# That is it for now The end of the show
0:27:21 > 0:27:23# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go
0:27:23 > 0:27:26# I'll see you next time on this show of mine
0:27:26 > 0:27:29# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time
0:27:29 > 0:27:31# It's been amazing We've been larking around
0:27:31 > 0:27:33# The whole programme cost just under a pound
0:27:33 > 0:27:35# Watch again next time cos we've got much more
0:27:35 > 0:27:37# There'll be tons of other funny stuff
0:27:37 > 0:27:38# It will be top drawer
0:27:38 > 0:27:40# Officially Amazing's Ben joined in
0:27:40 > 0:27:42# To break a record with some pies
0:27:42 > 0:27:45# But due to a Hacker-based incident
0:27:45 > 0:27:48# He didn't actually get and was left with cream in his eyes
0:27:48 > 0:27:50# That is it for now The end of the show
0:27:50 > 0:27:52# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go
0:27:52 > 0:27:55# I'll see you next time on this show of mine
0:27:55 > 0:27:57# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time
0:27:57 > 0:28:00# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time
0:28:00 > 0:28:02# That is the end of today's Hacker Time! #
0:28:02 > 0:28:05That wasn't as bad as I thought it would be!