0:00:02 > 0:00:05In today's Hacker Time, the part of Lolly will be played by...
0:00:05 > 0:00:07Lolly.
0:00:07 > 0:00:09People - we've got an urgent matter!
0:00:09 > 0:00:11The office roof needs repairing.
0:00:11 > 0:00:13I don't see a problem with it.
0:00:13 > 0:00:14SQUAWK!
0:00:14 > 0:00:15PFFRT!
0:00:15 > 0:00:17Knickers.
0:00:17 > 0:00:20So - how have you all been raising funds to get it fixed?
0:00:20 > 0:00:24Wilf - I see you're being sponsored to have a bath of baked beans.
0:00:24 > 0:00:28No, mate. I'm just being sponsored to have a bath.
0:00:28 > 0:00:31Although I HAVE eaten some beans.
0:00:31 > 0:00:33PFFRT!
0:00:35 > 0:00:39Lolly - you're being sponsored to be nice to everyone for a change.
0:00:39 > 0:00:40How's that going?
0:00:40 > 0:00:43- Well, it's none of your business, you mooey!- Ooh!
0:00:43 > 0:00:46Oh, sorry! I'll start again.
0:00:46 > 0:00:47Hmph...
0:00:47 > 0:00:49Herman - what are you doing?
0:00:50 > 0:00:53Ooh, good - a sponsored silence!
0:00:53 > 0:00:55And how much have you raised so far?
0:00:55 > 0:00:56Er, 25 pence...
0:00:56 > 0:00:59Oh, sorry - I'll start again.
0:00:59 > 0:01:01What a mooey!
0:01:01 > 0:01:03Oh, sorry! I'll start again.
0:01:03 > 0:01:05That only leaves you, Hacker.
0:01:05 > 0:01:07What are you doing?
0:01:07 > 0:01:10I'm being sponsored to provide the comedy punch line for this meeting.
0:01:10 > 0:01:12Ooh! And what's that?
0:01:12 > 0:01:14SQUAWK!
0:01:14 > 0:01:16PFRRT!
0:01:17 > 0:01:20Gah! Urgh...
0:01:20 > 0:01:22Hang on! That's the only thing that's worked, Hacker!
0:01:22 > 0:01:24Bleurgh!
0:01:24 > 0:01:27Your shambolic ways have saved the roof! Hoo-hoo!
0:01:27 > 0:01:29Run the titles!
0:01:29 > 0:01:31Hooray!
0:01:31 > 0:01:33Oh, what a bunch of mooeys!
0:01:33 > 0:01:34Oh...
0:01:37 > 0:01:38# You gonna watch this?
0:01:40 > 0:01:42# You gotta watch this!
0:01:44 > 0:01:46# You gotta watch this!
0:01:46 > 0:01:50- RAPS:- # My, my, my, my programme hits you so hard
0:01:50 > 0:01:52# Makes me say, "Oh, my word!"
0:01:52 > 0:01:54# Thank you for watching me
0:01:54 > 0:01:56# It's telly but not what you normally see
0:01:56 > 0:01:57# It feels good there's outtakes too
0:01:57 > 0:01:59# Comedy, guests and clips it's true
0:01:59 > 0:02:01# So sit back - don't move too much
0:02:01 > 0:02:03# This is the show - hah! - you can't touch. #
0:02:03 > 0:02:05- Stop!- Hacker Time.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07Thank you.
0:02:07 > 0:02:11Stand by, then, everyone. We're on air in five...
0:02:11 > 0:02:13four...
0:02:13 > 0:02:14three...
0:02:14 > 0:02:15two...
0:02:15 > 0:02:17TOILET FLUSHES one.
0:02:17 > 0:02:18Cue Hacker!
0:02:19 > 0:02:22Good day to ye, cockers one and all.
0:02:22 > 0:02:26Ooh, you'll love today's show, cos it's all about money!
0:02:26 > 0:02:29Aww, hello, son! How are you?
0:02:29 > 0:02:31Aww, my son!
0:02:31 > 0:02:34No! I said MONEY, not MUMMY!
0:02:34 > 0:02:36Oh, sorry, my mistake.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38Bye, son!
0:02:39 > 0:02:43Now, today's guest is an expert who knows all about saving money.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45He's arriving any minute...
0:02:45 > 0:02:48he just doesn't know it yet!
0:02:48 > 0:02:49HE CHUCKLES
0:02:51 > 0:02:54Hi, I'm Martin Lewis. I'm here for the news.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56- Mr Lewis, is it?- Yeah. - Mr Lewis, get in the lift, sir.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58- I'm here for the news... - Nah, get in the lift, mate.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00- All the way in. - The news is over in that direction!
0:03:00 > 0:03:03- They've moved the signs, mate. - But I'm on a deadline...
0:03:03 > 0:03:04Down.
0:03:04 > 0:03:05Whoa!
0:03:05 > 0:03:07Hey! Help!
0:03:07 > 0:03:08Help!
0:03:08 > 0:03:09HE WHISTLES
0:03:09 > 0:03:11DING!
0:03:11 > 0:03:15Ladies and gentlemen, it's money expert Martin Lewis!
0:03:16 > 0:03:18Y'all right, Martin?!
0:03:18 > 0:03:20You're on Hacker Time!
0:03:20 > 0:03:22Hacker Time? I'm meant to be on the news right now.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25Oh, no, no, please stay, Martin.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27I'll give you a little sweetener...
0:03:27 > 0:03:30Are you trying to bribe me with cash?
0:03:30 > 0:03:32No! I was going to give you my honey.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34Oh, oh... Hello, son.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36It's me again!
0:03:36 > 0:03:39No, I said my HONEY, not my mummy!
0:03:39 > 0:03:43- Go away.- Sorry, son. Bye!
0:03:43 > 0:03:46- So, what do you say?- Well, I do quite like honey, actually -
0:03:46 > 0:03:48but that's no way to talk to your mother.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50I'LL DO WHATEVER I WANT!
0:03:50 > 0:03:51HE GROWLS
0:03:51 > 0:03:54- Derek - the fact file. - Coming right up, me little owl!
0:03:54 > 0:03:55Hoo-hoo!
0:03:56 > 0:03:59Martin Lewis is an expert on saving people money.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01Can you tell(?)
0:04:01 > 0:04:02He began his career
0:04:02 > 0:04:05when his invisible sock puppet act failed to take off.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08Outside work, his hobbies include
0:04:08 > 0:04:12dressing like a flamenco dancer at the Radio 1 studios...
0:04:12 > 0:04:14and appearing on political programmes
0:04:14 > 0:04:17whilst looking REALLY excited about it.
0:04:17 > 0:04:21And that's a little bit of summat about Martin Lewis, ho, ho.
0:04:22 > 0:04:27Ooh, you learn something new every day, don't you, Martin?
0:04:27 > 0:04:29MARTIN!
0:04:29 > 0:04:30Ooh, I'm livid.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33..so after floating my company on the stock market,
0:04:33 > 0:04:35I made £7 million, yeah.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38And then I put it all in a tax free ISA.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41Amazing. You have the most incredible money brain, Herman.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43- I've learnt a lot, thank you. - Herman!
0:04:43 > 0:04:45I thought you were doing a sponsored silence.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56I'm sorry about that, Martin.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00Ha, ha! Classic!
0:05:00 > 0:05:02- In that case, let's get on with the show.- Cool.- Yeah.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04Larry! The menu.
0:05:04 > 0:05:08Today's Hacker Time is all about the money, money, money!
0:05:08 > 0:05:10And all this, of course...
0:05:10 > 0:05:14Coming up, it's a final visit to Trumpalot in A Knight's Tail...
0:05:14 > 0:05:16This is the end, I tell you!
0:05:16 > 0:05:17Aaah!
0:05:17 > 0:05:19..Martin makes a new best friend...
0:05:19 > 0:05:20What's going on now?!
0:05:20 > 0:05:22..and Hacker's quids in.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24I recently became rich.
0:05:24 > 0:05:25Ooh, tell me!
0:05:25 > 0:05:27All this and more on Hacker Time!
0:05:27 > 0:05:29Ooh, what a show! Are you excited, Martin?
0:05:29 > 0:05:31Are ya? Are, ya, Martin?!
0:05:31 > 0:05:34- Martin, Martin, Martin, are ya excited?!- I am SO excited!
0:05:34 > 0:05:37All right, cocker, here we go. Ahem. Question one.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40What on earth is it you do for a living?
0:05:40 > 0:05:42My job is to explain to people how to save money
0:05:42 > 0:05:45so that they've got more to spend on the things they like,
0:05:45 > 0:05:48or so they don't get in trouble with their finances.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51Now, Martin, do you reckon you could help me save MY money?
0:05:51 > 0:05:53Oh, oh, oh...
0:05:53 > 0:05:55It's me again!
0:05:55 > 0:05:58I said MONEY, not MUMMY!
0:05:58 > 0:06:00But she does need rescuing, cocker.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02- Can you do the honours, Martin? - Course I can.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04- Augh! - POP!
0:06:04 > 0:06:05Oh! Ooh!
0:06:05 > 0:06:08Oh, thank you! You're my hero.
0:06:09 > 0:06:10Don't humour her!
0:06:10 > 0:06:14Right, you know what, Martin? I recently became rich.
0:06:14 > 0:06:15- Ooh, tell me.- Yeah.
0:06:15 > 0:06:20I legally changed my name to Richard, or "Rich" for short.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22That's not how the money thing works.
0:06:22 > 0:06:26Ugh. This interview's just getting stupid now.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29I know. Can you move on to the next question, Hacker?
0:06:29 > 0:06:30It's Richard, to you!
0:06:30 > 0:06:32I mean - Richard.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34(I mean, Richard? Rich - Richard?!)
0:06:34 > 0:06:38Martin - you help people with money troubles, don't you?
0:06:38 > 0:06:41I try to, yeah, because if you spend money when you haven't got it,
0:06:41 > 0:06:42it can cause a real problem.
0:06:42 > 0:06:47I know. Eh, did I ever tell you about the time I had money troubles?
0:06:47 > 0:06:48HE WHISTLES
0:06:49 > 0:06:51I don't like your shoes.
0:06:51 > 0:06:55- GASPS:- They're made of corned beef.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57WOLF WHISTLE
0:06:57 > 0:07:01Two minutes later, I was set upon by a gang of angry cheque books.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03- I once got attacked by a pelican. - Ooh, what happened?
0:07:03 > 0:07:05- Big bills!- Ha, ha!
0:07:06 > 0:07:09Now, all this talk of money is confusing me.
0:07:09 > 0:07:10Here's another example.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13They say that time is money, don't they?
0:07:13 > 0:07:15Is time money?
0:07:15 > 0:07:17Well, if you think about it, when people go to work,
0:07:17 > 0:07:20they get paid by the hour or by the day or by the week -
0:07:20 > 0:07:22they get paid for their time.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25So, in one way, yes, time IS money.
0:07:25 > 0:07:29So, what you're saying is that time and money are the same thing?
0:07:29 > 0:07:31- Well...- Mr Richard, Mr Richard...
0:07:31 > 0:07:33Have you got the time, please?
0:07:33 > 0:07:35Oh, yes.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37It's exactly £5 million.
0:07:37 > 0:07:41Oh! And by the way, I've got your weekly pay cheque.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43Ooh, how much have I earned?
0:07:43 > 0:07:45Precisely half past three.
0:07:45 > 0:07:46Ha, ha, ha!
0:07:46 > 0:07:48And that's 12 minutes more than last week.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50- CANNED LAUGHTER - Thank you.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54What do you think, Martin?
0:07:54 > 0:07:58To be honest, Hacker, I think you're lucky they pay you anything at all.
0:07:58 > 0:07:59Cheeky scamp!
0:07:59 > 0:08:01But I'm afraid I'll have to stop you there, cocker,
0:08:01 > 0:08:03- cos we're out of time for now... - TING!
0:08:03 > 0:08:05Hang on a minute -
0:08:05 > 0:08:09if we're out of time, and time's money, that means...
0:08:09 > 0:08:12we're also out of money here on Hacker Time -
0:08:12 > 0:08:13I mean Richard Time.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15I mean Richard Money!
0:08:15 > 0:08:18Oh, did somebody say mummy?!
0:08:18 > 0:08:19What's going on now?!
0:08:19 > 0:08:22Oh, Larry, help me out here. Larry?
0:08:22 > 0:08:27Time now for the epic conclusion to our marvellous medieval drama
0:08:27 > 0:08:29A Knight's Tail!
0:08:48 > 0:08:50'Thursday lunchtime in Trumpalot,
0:08:50 > 0:08:53'and the castle is under attack.'
0:08:53 > 0:08:56Oh! They're right upon us!
0:08:56 > 0:08:59Oh, you should see their leader.
0:08:59 > 0:09:04He's hideous! With a massive, oozing pimple on his nose.
0:09:05 > 0:09:06You furry little fool.
0:09:06 > 0:09:10Eurgh! And his breath stinks!
0:09:10 > 0:09:12You're looking the wrong way!
0:09:12 > 0:09:14Oh, yeah!
0:09:14 > 0:09:16MOB SHOUTS
0:09:16 > 0:09:18Ooh, they don't look pretty, either!
0:09:18 > 0:09:21Your Majesty, we must lock down the castle immediately.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23No-one is to get in or out.
0:09:23 > 0:09:24SHE GASPS
0:09:24 > 0:09:26CRASH!
0:09:26 > 0:09:27ALL YELL
0:09:27 > 0:09:29It's going to be fine!
0:09:29 > 0:09:32Just as long as we all stay calm.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35Oh, by the way, we're all out of food.
0:09:35 > 0:09:38Aah! This is the end, I tell you!
0:09:38 > 0:09:40Aaaah!
0:09:40 > 0:09:42Calm down, Sir Cumference!
0:09:42 > 0:09:45We'll be all right as long as we don't think about food.
0:09:45 > 0:09:46Is that clear?
0:09:47 > 0:09:49# Food, food, food, food
0:09:49 > 0:09:51# Food, food, food, food
0:09:51 > 0:09:53# Food, food, food, food
0:09:53 > 0:09:55# Food, food, food, food
0:09:55 > 0:09:57# Food, food, food, food... #
0:09:57 > 0:09:58What are you doing?
0:09:58 > 0:10:00Stay back, I tell you!
0:10:00 > 0:10:02- Stay back! - CUTLERY CLINKS
0:10:02 > 0:10:03Stay back!
0:10:03 > 0:10:05Aaaah!
0:10:08 > 0:10:11They're getting much more persistent.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13Look, they have a battering ram.
0:10:13 > 0:10:14Baa!
0:10:14 > 0:10:15Baa!
0:10:15 > 0:10:17Baa!
0:10:17 > 0:10:18Baa!
0:10:18 > 0:10:19There's only one thing for it.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21We must go on the offensive.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23Very well.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25You've got a big, smelly bum!
0:10:25 > 0:10:27Not THAT sort of offensive.
0:10:27 > 0:10:31I mean, we prepare to fight back. What can we throw at them?
0:10:31 > 0:10:33TING!
0:10:35 > 0:10:36How about this?!
0:10:41 > 0:10:42CLANG!
0:10:43 > 0:10:45ALL YELL
0:10:45 > 0:10:46Or this?
0:10:48 > 0:10:51Aaaahhh!
0:10:51 > 0:10:52ALL YELL
0:10:52 > 0:10:54Or these?
0:10:57 > 0:10:58It's not enough.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00Find something else.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05Aah! No!
0:11:05 > 0:11:06Whoa...
0:11:06 > 0:11:07Yahoo!
0:11:08 > 0:11:10Oh!
0:11:12 > 0:11:15Me medieval nonsense!
0:11:18 > 0:11:20'17 years passed,
0:11:20 > 0:11:22'and still the siege went on.'
0:11:24 > 0:11:28It's no use. It's time to open the portcullis and let them in.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31We will fight them head on.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34And we shall NEVER surrender.
0:11:43 > 0:11:44Stop!
0:11:44 > 0:11:48It's me, Kevin, from the Save-A-Lot discount store.
0:11:48 > 0:11:49I'm delivering your online weekly shop.
0:11:49 > 0:11:52I don't believe it!
0:11:52 > 0:11:53You're 17 years late.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55I've been knocking as loudly as I can.
0:11:55 > 0:11:58But if you're not here to storm the castle,
0:11:58 > 0:12:01who are all these hideous people that you're with?
0:12:01 > 0:12:02ALL: Argh!
0:12:02 > 0:12:04This is the angry mob you ordered.
0:12:04 > 0:12:05You must've double-clicked.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08Well, that explains everything.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10Do come in!
0:12:10 > 0:12:12MOB: CHARGE!
0:12:14 > 0:12:16What are we all like?!
0:12:22 > 0:12:24- I liked that, in a way.- Hm.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27Now, Martin, I've got something to tell you.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29I'm no longer rich!
0:12:32 > 0:12:34Yes - that's right.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36My name's no longer Richard T Dog -
0:12:36 > 0:12:39because I've changed it back to Hacker, look!
0:12:39 > 0:12:41HE SIGHS
0:12:41 > 0:12:44The trouble is, that certificate cost me £5,000 -
0:12:44 > 0:12:47so I am no longer rich in any sense of the word.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51Martin - I think I need you to give me some help.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53But while you do that,
0:12:53 > 0:12:56here's some tat from Wilf and Herman.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58This is the Opinion Parlour.
0:12:58 > 0:13:02Today, we've been asking what you're doing to save money.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04Let's go to the phones.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06I think we've got Ann from Eccles on line one.
0:13:06 > 0:13:07Hello?
0:13:07 > 0:13:12- Hello?- Anne, what have you been doing to save money?
0:13:12 > 0:13:15Well, I've stopped paying my phone bill,
0:13:15 > 0:13:19and I tell you what, it's the best thing I've ever...
0:13:19 > 0:13:21DISCONNECT TONE
0:13:21 > 0:13:23Oh, erm...
0:13:23 > 0:13:25Oh, well, we've got another caller on the line -
0:13:25 > 0:13:28yeah, line two...
0:13:28 > 0:13:31And it's a Mr Derek McGee from the gallery.
0:13:31 > 0:13:35- Hello, Derek, can you hear me? - Yes, I can, me little owl.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37I've got a great idea for saving money!
0:13:37 > 0:13:39- And what is that?- Herman -
0:13:39 > 0:13:43we're getting rid of you from The Opinion Parlour.
0:13:43 > 0:13:46- But I...- No buts!
0:13:46 > 0:13:47Off you go.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50That won't save THAT much money.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52I know! That's why we're getting rid of you as well, Wilf.
0:13:52 > 0:13:56- Go on, get out.- Ooh, what a liberty!
0:13:58 > 0:13:59Hoo-hoo!
0:13:59 > 0:14:01This is the best Opinion Parlour yet!
0:14:01 > 0:14:04Ha! He's right! It WAS the best one yet.
0:14:04 > 0:14:05Ha, ha!
0:14:05 > 0:14:08Martin - there's one thing we haven't addressed, yet, though.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10What IS money?
0:14:10 > 0:14:13Explain in no more than three words.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15- Well, you can say it's...- That's enough. I'm bored now.
0:14:15 > 0:14:19There's only one way my pea-like brain can process this.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22And that's via the medium... of songe!
0:14:24 > 0:14:25BIG BAND MUSIC
0:14:27 > 0:14:32# There's something I can't get my head around
0:14:32 > 0:14:37# It's the concept of these rupees, yens and pounds
0:14:37 > 0:14:38# Ooohhh
0:14:38 > 0:14:42# Payday loans and ISAs make me holler
0:14:42 > 0:14:47# And I can't raise interest in the Guyanese Dollar
0:14:47 > 0:14:49# Yeeesss!
0:14:49 > 0:14:54# I don't know what I'm doing when it comes to stocks and shares
0:14:54 > 0:14:57# And as for post-neo-classic economics
0:14:57 > 0:14:59# You'll find me yelling "WHO CARES?"
0:14:59 > 0:15:03# Inflation, stagnation, regressive taxation
0:15:03 > 0:15:04# I'm devoid of all wisdom
0:15:04 > 0:15:07# And don't get me started
0:15:07 > 0:15:10# On the Intelligent Banknote Neutralisation System!
0:15:10 > 0:15:15# The abstract nature of this world of cash
0:15:15 > 0:15:20# Is enough to bring me out in a full-body rash
0:15:20 > 0:15:22# Oohhh!
0:15:22 > 0:15:26# Every time I look inside my purse
0:15:26 > 0:15:32# It reminds me that money is a curse! #
0:15:33 > 0:15:35What do you think of that, cocker?
0:15:35 > 0:15:38Review that song in no more than three words.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40Fiscally challenged -
0:15:40 > 0:15:42but fantastic!
0:15:42 > 0:15:44Lovely work, Martin!
0:15:44 > 0:15:45I still don't know what money is, though.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48Oh, Larry - tell us what else is coming up!
0:15:48 > 0:15:49Thanks, Hacker!
0:15:49 > 0:15:52Today's show is full of added value.
0:15:52 > 0:15:54We've got...
0:15:54 > 0:15:57Acky G, back with his own take on another pop song,
0:15:57 > 0:16:01the pressure's on in the Quarter Past Four O'Clock Club,
0:16:01 > 0:16:03and Martin Lewis does this...
0:16:03 > 0:16:04Doo, doo, doo...
0:16:04 > 0:16:06CLICK-CLICK! CLICK!
0:16:06 > 0:16:09All still to come on Hacker Time.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11Well, I'm very pleased to announce that my business lectures
0:16:11 > 0:16:14have become so successful that Lord Sugar himself
0:16:14 > 0:16:16has asked me to go on tour with him.
0:16:16 > 0:16:20Ugh, that's quite enough of that.
0:16:20 > 0:16:21Ugh!
0:16:21 > 0:16:26Derek! Are you nervously eating sweets again?
0:16:26 > 0:16:30You know it's time for your... DENTIST'S APPOINTMENT!
0:16:30 > 0:16:32But, mother...!
0:16:32 > 0:16:34Derek, there's no need to be scared.
0:16:34 > 0:16:35But, mother...!
0:16:35 > 0:16:37Guess what?
0:16:37 > 0:16:43I've even brought your special friend Mr Owlface for you to cuddle!
0:16:43 > 0:16:45Mr Owlface?! BUT, MOTHER...
0:16:45 > 0:16:48I don't need to go to the dentist!
0:16:48 > 0:16:49And why is that?
0:16:49 > 0:16:51Because I've never had any teeth! Look...
0:16:53 > 0:16:57Ooh, silly me! I forgot!
0:16:57 > 0:17:00Mind you, your tonsils look inflamed.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02Ooh, yes, you're right.
0:17:02 > 0:17:06Come on, Derek... to the ho-ho-hospital!
0:17:06 > 0:17:08No, mother! Not the hospital!
0:17:08 > 0:17:09Give me Mr Owlface!
0:17:09 > 0:17:12Give me Mr Owlface!
0:17:12 > 0:17:15Ugh, what a pair of mooeys.
0:17:15 > 0:17:19And now on Hacker Time, we present The Martin Lewis...
0:17:19 > 0:17:22- and Hacker T Dog... - ..Cash Programme.
0:17:27 > 0:17:30Today, we're going to show you how to throw a party on a shoestring.
0:17:30 > 0:17:35Hooray! Well, here's the shoestring!
0:17:35 > 0:17:38Oh, don't worry, Martin - it's only a throwaway gag. Look.
0:17:39 > 0:17:40Threw it away!
0:17:40 > 0:17:42Oh, please yourself!
0:17:42 > 0:17:44Throwaway. I got it.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46No, Hacker and I are each going to organise a party,
0:17:46 > 0:17:48and we'll see who can spend the least -
0:17:48 > 0:17:50and I am very competitive, I have to tell you.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53Oh, budgies. That shoestring already cost me two and a half quid -
0:17:53 > 0:17:54I'm down already.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59We'll give you some great ideas for a memorable celebration
0:17:59 > 0:18:01that won't break the bank.
0:18:04 > 0:18:07Let's start with decorations.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09They don't have to be too expensive -
0:18:09 > 0:18:14I made this beautiful paper chain from just two old newspapers.
0:18:14 > 0:18:15Ooh! How much did that cost?
0:18:15 > 0:18:17Only 50p -
0:18:17 > 0:18:20because I used this two-for-one voucher!
0:18:20 > 0:18:23Well, my paper chains are much nicer, look!
0:18:23 > 0:18:27Ooh! Did you use old newspaper, too?
0:18:27 > 0:18:31No, I used this original copy of The Complete Works of Shakespeare.
0:18:31 > 0:18:32A bargain
0:18:32 > 0:18:35- at three million...pounds... - Oh, dear.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40Let's move on to food.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42I bought this jelly for just 20p...
0:18:42 > 0:18:45- And guess what?- What?
0:18:45 > 0:18:47I got this one, too - cos I've got...
0:18:47 > 0:18:48a two-for-one voucher!
0:18:48 > 0:18:50You call that food?
0:18:50 > 0:18:53You can't have a party without cake, Lewis.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56- That looks EXPENSIVE.- It's not.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59It's made entirely out of old store cupboard ingredients.
0:18:59 > 0:19:00Take it away.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02Although I did glaze it
0:19:02 > 0:19:03with the tears of an extinct dodo,
0:19:03 > 0:19:05bottled in the 16th century...
0:19:06 > 0:19:07Still got some left, though!
0:19:07 > 0:19:09Oh...
0:19:09 > 0:19:10- Knickers!- Fool.
0:19:14 > 0:19:17Finally, it's time to think about entertainment -
0:19:17 > 0:19:19and why not make your own, like this?
0:19:19 > 0:19:22TO "The Blue Danube": # Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo
0:19:22 > 0:19:24CLICK-CLICK! CLICK-CLICK!
0:19:24 > 0:19:26# Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo. #
0:19:26 > 0:19:28CLICK-CLICK! CLICK-CLICK!
0:19:28 > 0:19:31And that doesn't need a two-for-one voucher - it's totally free!
0:19:31 > 0:19:33POP-POP-POP!
0:19:33 > 0:19:34POP!
0:19:34 > 0:19:36You call that entertainment?!
0:19:36 > 0:19:37Watch this.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40Hello, is that popular music combo, The Vamps?
0:19:40 > 0:19:42- Hey, yeah, is that Richard? - No, it's Hacker now.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44We dropped that joke ten minutes ago, cocker.
0:19:44 > 0:19:47Now, will you come and perform at my party?
0:19:47 > 0:19:50Erm, I don't know. The hourly rate is...seven million?
0:19:50 > 0:19:52- £7 million.- Yeah.
0:19:52 > 0:19:53Ooh, that's a bit expensive.
0:19:53 > 0:19:57I tell you what, I'll give you £100 million!
0:19:57 > 0:19:59- Sweet, done.- Let's do it, let's go!
0:19:59 > 0:20:01Sure, see you in a bit.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03Huzzah! That was easy.
0:20:03 > 0:20:04Hacker...
0:20:04 > 0:20:06what are you playing at?
0:20:06 > 0:20:09I've managed to organise a party for under a pound -
0:20:09 > 0:20:14and you have spent £125 million!
0:20:14 > 0:20:17Well, that's where you're wrong, cocker.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19I haven't spent a thing.
0:20:19 > 0:20:21I put it all on your credit card!
0:20:21 > 0:20:23WHAT?!
0:20:23 > 0:20:26How am I going to pay that back plus interest?
0:20:26 > 0:20:28Fool dog!
0:20:28 > 0:20:31Easy, cocker! I've booked you as the clown -
0:20:31 > 0:20:34and I'll pay 300 million for it!
0:20:34 > 0:20:36I don't believe it!
0:20:36 > 0:20:37Although...
0:20:37 > 0:20:40I have got a two-for-one voucher for that - clown costumes.
0:20:40 > 0:20:44- We can do it together!- Ugh...
0:20:44 > 0:20:45HORNS BLOW
0:20:45 > 0:20:48THE VAMPS PLAY IN BACKGROUND
0:20:48 > 0:20:50Ugh...
0:20:50 > 0:20:52Martin, this party is dull, innit?
0:20:52 > 0:20:54Oh, yeah. HE SNORES
0:20:54 > 0:20:55Something's missing.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57You know what?
0:20:57 > 0:20:59I've got a great idea to liven it up!
0:20:59 > 0:21:01- You are going to love this! - Oh, what's that?
0:21:01 > 0:21:03- Come here, Hacker.- What?
0:21:03 > 0:21:05SPLAT!
0:21:05 > 0:21:07Ugh...
0:21:07 > 0:21:09Don't tell me...
0:21:09 > 0:21:10Oh, yeah!
0:21:10 > 0:21:12Argh!
0:21:13 > 0:21:17Two for the price of one!
0:21:17 > 0:21:18I'm livid!
0:21:23 > 0:21:25It's time to go to school -
0:21:25 > 0:21:28but don't worry, you're unlikely to learn anything -
0:21:28 > 0:21:31it's the Quarter Past Four O'Clock Club...
0:21:31 > 0:21:32BELL RINGS
0:21:34 > 0:21:38Josh, I'm a bit worried - your maths exam is in three days.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40Don't worry your little self!
0:21:40 > 0:21:42That's about...
0:21:42 > 0:21:44four weeks away, in't it?
0:21:44 > 0:21:48Anyway, you've still got all that marking to do.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50Looks like we're both...
0:21:50 > 0:21:52under pressure.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56# Pressure is rising all the time
0:21:56 > 0:22:00# It's all getting too much for me
0:22:00 > 0:22:01# I can't think straight
0:22:01 > 0:22:02# There's too much to do
0:22:02 > 0:22:04# Too much on my plate
0:22:04 > 0:22:05# Yeah
0:22:05 > 0:22:06# My exams are looming
0:22:06 > 0:22:07# I'm not behaving myself
0:22:07 > 0:22:09- # The headteacher is fuming - Oi, you!
0:22:09 > 0:22:10# Deadlines to meet
0:22:10 > 0:22:11# I'm rushed off my feet
0:22:11 > 0:22:13# There's marking to be done and I'm feeling the heat
0:22:13 > 0:22:15# The pressure is rising
0:22:15 > 0:22:16# Plus I think I'm getting thinner
0:22:16 > 0:22:19# Although I can't decide if I want a fish or chicken dinner
0:22:19 > 0:22:20# Has this milk gone off?
0:22:20 > 0:22:21# I just can't tell
0:22:21 > 0:22:23# Calm down, Nathan let's just give it a smell
0:22:23 > 0:22:25- # Eurgh! - Let's watch the telly
0:22:25 > 0:22:26# Hang on, where's the remote?
0:22:26 > 0:22:28# Oh, it's stuck on Countryfile
0:22:28 > 0:22:29# Featuring a goat
0:22:29 > 0:22:31# I texted my girlfriend and called her "Mum"
0:22:31 > 0:22:34# It's all this pressure I should have kept shtoom
0:22:34 > 0:22:35# What am I gonna do?
0:22:35 > 0:22:36# I'm busting for t' loo!
0:22:36 > 0:22:39# Keep it together, man I'm relying on you
0:22:39 > 0:22:40# There's pressure all around
0:22:40 > 0:22:41# Keep your feet on the ground
0:22:41 > 0:22:43# The pressure's getting to us
0:22:43 > 0:22:44# And I've no change for the bus
0:22:44 > 0:22:47# Pressure is rising all the time
0:22:47 > 0:22:50# It's all getting too much for me
0:22:50 > 0:22:51# I can't think straight
0:22:51 > 0:22:53# There's too much to do
0:22:53 > 0:22:56# Too much on my plate! #
0:22:57 > 0:23:00Ah! Well, that's motivated me to do all of my marking.
0:23:00 > 0:23:04And me to revise, and subsequently pass my maths exam.
0:23:04 > 0:23:06Ah - only thing is,
0:23:06 > 0:23:08we've been singing so long the deadlines have passed!
0:23:08 > 0:23:11Oh, well. At least we passed something.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14- Let's go celebrate!- Yay!
0:23:14 > 0:23:16BELL RINGS
0:23:16 > 0:23:19Now on Hacker Time it's the exciting, nail-biting,
0:23:19 > 0:23:24awe-inspiring part of the show, where Hacker likes to say...
0:23:24 > 0:23:25Martin Lewis...
0:23:25 > 0:23:26GET OUT!
0:23:29 > 0:23:31Don't be offended, cocker -
0:23:31 > 0:23:33that's just the name of the big game show segment.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35- Are you excited?- Oh, yes!
0:23:35 > 0:23:38Belting. You'll be fighting to get back up to the ground floor
0:23:38 > 0:23:41so you can return to your dull life in the real world.
0:23:41 > 0:23:43Get a question right and you'll go up a level -
0:23:43 > 0:23:46get one wrong, you go back down a level.
0:23:46 > 0:23:47And when the time's up,
0:23:47 > 0:23:49you'll have either lit up enough buttons to leave,
0:23:49 > 0:23:52or you'll end up on one of my other weird and wonderful floors -
0:23:52 > 0:23:56like Old Mrs Crumpsall's cat poo museum.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58You've got until you hear this sound...
0:23:58 > 0:24:00It's me!
0:24:00 > 0:24:02So, in 3, 2, 12, go!
0:24:02 > 0:24:05Which of these is a real currency?
0:24:05 > 0:24:08Is it A, Bek, is it B, Lek,
0:24:08 > 0:24:10or is it C, Hang on, I'll be with you in a sec?
0:24:10 > 0:24:14- Lek.- Correct! Lek is, which is the Albanian currency.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16The next question is a top-notch one.
0:24:16 > 0:24:19Let's bring out me old chum Acky G!
0:24:19 > 0:24:21# It's Accordion George, ho!
0:24:21 > 0:24:24# It's Accordion George George, George, George!
0:24:24 > 0:24:26# It's Accordion George, Acky G! #
0:24:26 > 0:24:30Ag, Acky George, Acky G, Acky G-George!
0:24:30 > 0:24:31All right, George?
0:24:31 > 0:24:33This is me old chum Acky G.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36He will now play you a song on his accordion,
0:24:36 > 0:24:39and you must tell me which song it is.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41Take it away, Ag!
0:24:41 > 0:24:43HE PLAYS "Price Tag" by Jessie J
0:24:54 > 0:24:56What do you think that was, cocker?
0:24:56 > 0:24:58I think it's a bit of Jessie J.
0:24:58 > 0:25:00It's all about the money, money, money, money, money,
0:25:00 > 0:25:03- money, money, money, money... - Oh, he's stuck. He's stuck again.
0:25:03 > 0:25:04..money, money, money... POP!
0:25:04 > 0:25:06We'll give you that, cocker.
0:25:06 > 0:25:07It's called Price Tag -
0:25:07 > 0:25:09this is how it should sound when it's played PROPERLY, Acky G!
0:25:09 > 0:25:12# It's not about the money money, money
0:25:12 > 0:25:14# We don't need your money money, money
0:25:14 > 0:25:17# We just wanna make the world dance,
0:25:17 > 0:25:19# Forget about the price tag... #
0:25:20 > 0:25:22That's how it should sound, Acky G!
0:25:22 > 0:25:25Did some of your fingers get stuck or summat?
0:25:25 > 0:25:27Oh, go away, and give us a wave before you go.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29Shut the doors, I'm sick of old Ag.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31Right.
0:25:31 > 0:25:36If my business is worth £3 million and Lolly buys 10% of it,
0:25:36 > 0:25:37what am I left with?
0:25:37 > 0:25:39£2,700,000.
0:25:39 > 0:25:43Correctamundo, me old cocker!
0:25:43 > 0:25:44Right, the next one.
0:25:44 > 0:25:48Which celebrity have we McGee'd in this picture?
0:25:49 > 0:25:51Who's that lovely, lovely person?
0:25:51 > 0:25:52Is it...
0:25:52 > 0:25:53Is it our Lorraine?
0:25:53 > 0:25:57Yes, it was Lorraine! TV's own Lorraine Kelly.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59She refused to come on this show.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01Oh, look! Oh, you're doing well, cocker!
0:26:01 > 0:26:03You've only got to get one more right
0:26:03 > 0:26:05and you're out of here like a gibbon!
0:26:05 > 0:26:10Right. Name one of the two men on the back of a £50 note.
0:26:10 > 0:26:12It's a tricky one, this, cocker. It's a tricky one.
0:26:12 > 0:26:13No!
0:26:13 > 0:26:17Oh, no! You go back down a level, cocker.
0:26:17 > 0:26:20The answer was Matthew Boulton or James Watt.
0:26:20 > 0:26:22Next one.
0:26:22 > 0:26:23Catch this.
0:26:24 > 0:26:25Correct! He caught it.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27Lovely work.
0:26:27 > 0:26:30Complete this phrase - "Money doesn't grow on..."
0:26:30 > 0:26:31Trees.
0:26:31 > 0:26:33Correct! Ha, ha!
0:26:33 > 0:26:35Ooh, you've done really well! Ooh, lovely work.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37Yes, well done, cocker.
0:26:37 > 0:26:39You lit up all the buttons to the ground floor,
0:26:39 > 0:26:41so you ARE allowed to leave!
0:26:41 > 0:26:43It's been wonderful having you on the show, cocker.
0:26:43 > 0:26:44Now, GET OUT!
0:26:47 > 0:26:49Any last words before you leave, Martin?
0:26:49 > 0:26:51Yeah, look after the... CLANK!
0:26:51 > 0:26:52Ha, ha!
0:26:52 > 0:26:54Thank goodness he's gone. I thought he'd never leave.
0:26:54 > 0:26:56That's it now, me old cockers.
0:26:56 > 0:26:59I'm off to re-lay the crazy paving on me patio.
0:26:59 > 0:27:02All that's left for me to do now is sing my awful song.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04Join in if you know it!
0:27:08 > 0:27:10# That is it for now the end of the show
0:27:10 > 0:27:12# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go
0:27:12 > 0:27:15# I'll see you next time on this show of mine
0:27:15 > 0:27:18# Put it in your diary - it's called Hacker Time!
0:27:18 > 0:27:20# It's been amazing we've been larking around
0:27:20 > 0:27:22# The whole programme cost just under a pound
0:27:22 > 0:27:24# Watch again next time cos we've got much more
0:27:24 > 0:27:26# There'll be tonnes of other funny stuff
0:27:26 > 0:27:27# It will be top drawer
0:27:27 > 0:27:29# Martin Lewis was my guest
0:27:29 > 0:27:32# We forged a strong connection
0:27:32 > 0:27:34# Until I ruined our budget party
0:27:34 > 0:27:37# With a series of dramatically inaccurate fiscal projections
0:27:37 > 0:27:39# That is it for now the end of the show
0:27:39 > 0:27:41# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go
0:27:41 > 0:27:43# I'll see you next time on this show of mine
0:27:43 > 0:27:46# Put it in your diary it's called Hacker Time
0:27:46 > 0:27:48# Put it in your diary it's called Hacker Time
0:27:48 > 0:27:51# That is the end of today's Hacker Time! #
0:27:51 > 0:27:52Or is it Richard Time?