0:00:04 > 0:00:07Warning - today's Hacker Time may contain nuts.
0:00:07 > 0:00:09Oh, bad news, people.
0:00:09 > 0:00:10Our ratings are dropping
0:00:10 > 0:00:12like there's no tomorrow.
0:00:12 > 0:00:14There's no tomorrow?
0:00:14 > 0:00:16But I've got so much left to give.
0:00:16 > 0:00:19- It's a figure of speech, you fool. - Oh...
0:00:19 > 0:00:22I think we should start doing a cookery item to boost our ratings.
0:00:22 > 0:00:24Apparently, food is really popular right now.
0:00:24 > 0:00:29- Yes.- We'll need a resident chef. Who wants to do it? Um, Wilf?
0:00:29 > 0:00:33- What do you know about food? - I insist on five a day.
0:00:33 > 0:00:38- Pasties, that is.- That's no good. Hacker, what about you?
0:00:38 > 0:00:42- Please tell me you're secretly an expert chef.- Oh, I am!
0:00:42 > 0:00:45Have you tried my tartine au pate de viande?
0:00:45 > 0:00:49Ooh, that sounds fancy! What is it?
0:00:49 > 0:00:50A meat paste sandwich.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52Oh, that's disgusting!
0:00:52 > 0:00:55We need inspiring recipes to break through conventions
0:00:55 > 0:00:57and teach a generation of children
0:00:57 > 0:01:01that there's more to life than meat paste sandwiches. Who's with me?
0:01:01 > 0:01:05- Meat paste sandwiches for everyone! - Hurray!
0:01:05 > 0:01:06THEY CHEER
0:01:06 > 0:01:08I don't know why I bother!
0:01:08 > 0:01:10Yum-yum-yum-yum!
0:01:12 > 0:01:14You going to watch this?
0:01:16 > 0:01:17You gotta watch this!
0:01:19 > 0:01:22You gotta watch this!
0:01:22 > 0:01:25- HE RAPS:- My, my, my, my Programme hits you
0:01:25 > 0:01:28So hard Makes me say, "Oh, my word!"
0:01:28 > 0:01:29Thank you for watching me
0:01:29 > 0:01:31It's telly, but not what you normally see
0:01:31 > 0:01:33It feels good, there's outtakes too
0:01:33 > 0:01:35Comedy, guests and clips, it's true
0:01:35 > 0:01:37So sit back - don't move too much
0:01:37 > 0:01:39This is the show - ah! - you can't touch
0:01:39 > 0:01:40Stop! Hacker Time!
0:01:41 > 0:01:42Thank you.
0:01:42 > 0:01:46OK, stand by, everyone. We're on air in...
0:01:46 > 0:01:48five, four,
0:01:48 > 0:01:50three, HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:01:50 > 0:01:51two,
0:01:51 > 0:01:52one... BAA!
0:01:52 > 0:01:53Cue Hacker!
0:01:54 > 0:01:59Hello! And welcome to Hacker Time. Today's show is all about cooking.
0:01:59 > 0:02:05- We'll be talking chicken, trifle, vol-au-vents...- Banana!
0:02:05 > 0:02:06No, there's nothing in my script about...
0:02:06 > 0:02:07Whoooaaaahhh!
0:02:07 > 0:02:09Oh!
0:02:09 > 0:02:13No, banana!
0:02:13 > 0:02:17Who keeps leaving the banana skins on the floor?
0:02:17 > 0:02:20Anyway, we've got a very special guest coming in today,
0:02:20 > 0:02:24but right now, he has no idea! Ha-ha-ha!
0:02:27 > 0:02:28Hiya. Um, Simon Rimmer.
0:02:28 > 0:02:32I've had a letter about being the resident chef on an original
0:02:32 > 0:02:35new cookery show that you're making. Do you know where I need to go?
0:02:35 > 0:02:38Hey, original? Cookery show? Get in the lift, mate! Come on.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40This one says it's not in use.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42Everyone seems to be going that way...
0:02:42 > 0:02:44Eeeh!
0:02:44 > 0:02:45Down.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47ALARM BUZZES Argh.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51HE WHISTLES A TUNE
0:02:51 > 0:02:52LIFT PINGS
0:02:52 > 0:02:55Ladies and gentlemen, it's Simon Rimmer!
0:02:55 > 0:02:57CRASHING
0:02:57 > 0:02:59- Hiya, Simon! - SIMON COUGHS
0:02:59 > 0:03:02- You're on Hacker Time! - What on earth is Hacker Time?
0:03:02 > 0:03:04I'll assume that was a joke.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06Right, Simon, let's get on with the show.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08Mate, look, I haven't got time for this. I really haven't.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11You can't go, cocker, no. We're having Scotch eggs after the show.
0:03:11 > 0:03:15Fancy ones, with lovely black pudding around the outside and runny
0:03:15 > 0:03:18yolk and then a crisp, delicate, lightly dressed watercress salad,
0:03:18 > 0:03:21- that kind of Scotch egg?- Better than that, cocker - the ones from
0:03:21 > 0:03:25the supermarket that come in packets and have got no flavour whatsoever.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29- All right, I'm in.- You won't regret this, me old cocker.
0:03:29 > 0:03:34Without further ado, let's get on with the show. Derek! The fact file.
0:03:34 > 0:03:39- Will do, Hacker.- Is it just me, or is Simon kind of dishy?
0:03:40 > 0:03:44Oh, I see what I did there! He's a chef and I called him dishy!
0:03:44 > 0:03:46Do you get it, Derek?
0:03:46 > 0:03:49I think we should work in silence from now on, Lorraine.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54Simon Rimmer is a TV chef.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57He presents Sunday Brunch with his mate Tim Lovejoy,
0:03:57 > 0:03:59who often has his arms crossed.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01He loves to come up with delicious recipes.
0:04:01 > 0:04:05Why on earth is he cooking with trees?
0:04:05 > 0:04:07And in his spare time, he likes to wear a neckerchief
0:04:07 > 0:04:09and stare wistfully into the distance.
0:04:09 > 0:04:13And that's not all you need to know about Simon Rimmer.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16Thanks, Derek. So what are your thoughts on meat paste, Simon?
0:04:16 > 0:04:18QUIET CONVERSATION
0:04:18 > 0:04:19Simon!
0:04:19 > 0:04:21I'm livid!
0:04:21 > 0:04:24I mean, I don't know what you think, Simon, but I find that the leeks
0:04:24 > 0:04:27really enhance the flavour of the buttered lobster.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29Interesting. I rarely put leeks with lobster,
0:04:29 > 0:04:32but, yes, it's a good idea. You really know your stuff...
0:04:32 > 0:04:34Gas mark 8!
0:04:34 > 0:04:36What, Hacker?
0:04:36 > 0:04:38Gas mark 8. It something to do with cooking.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40I'm sorry about him, Simon.
0:04:40 > 0:04:44- He's totally clueless when it comes to cuisine.- Not true!
0:04:44 > 0:04:48Why don't I serve up my new dish, the Herman Surprise?
0:04:48 > 0:04:50Oh, what's that? Sounds nice.
0:04:50 > 0:04:56Herman! You're fired! Surprise! Ha-ha-ha.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58- Bye, Simon.- Get out.- Bye, Herman.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01I'm sorry about him, Simon. He was raised by dogs.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04I'm very excited you're here, you know, cocker.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06We got so much in common, haven't we?
0:05:06 > 0:05:10Larry, I'm hungry for LOLs! Nourish me with the menu.
0:05:11 > 0:05:15Today's Hacker Time will be deliciously good!
0:05:15 > 0:05:19Make sure you save some room for all of this!
0:05:19 > 0:05:22Coming up, Hacker and Simon discuss nouvelle cuisine.
0:05:22 > 0:05:25That paste is 15% pure meat!
0:05:25 > 0:05:28The sky's the limit in our new documentary, Aeroport.
0:05:28 > 0:05:32And we check out your food photos in the Opinion Parlour.
0:05:32 > 0:05:37- Do not show that picture! - All this and more, on Hacker Time!
0:05:37 > 0:05:39Lots of fun to come, as you can see there, cocker.
0:05:39 > 0:05:43Now, Simon Rimmer, are you ready for the interview section of this show?
0:05:43 > 0:05:45- Yeah. Can't wait, yeah.- Hurrah!
0:05:45 > 0:05:48You're a professional chef, so my first question is this...
0:05:50 > 0:05:52What is food?
0:05:52 > 0:05:53HE LAUGHS
0:05:53 > 0:05:59Food is what keeps us going, and it's also something that we enjoy.
0:05:59 > 0:06:00I don't get it!
0:06:00 > 0:06:02You've been cooking for 30 years or so.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04Have you not finished yet?
0:06:04 > 0:06:05HE LAUGHS
0:06:05 > 0:06:09- What on earth are you making, cocker?- I'm just taking my time.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11Next question, what is brunch?
0:06:11 > 0:06:14Brunch is what you have between breakfast and lunch,
0:06:14 > 0:06:17- normally at the weekend.- Interesting.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19I've actually invented my own mealtime, you know.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22It's a cross between late breakfast and lunch.
0:06:22 > 0:06:26It takes the letter "L" from late breakfast and the "unch" from lunch,
0:06:26 > 0:06:29so the meal I have created is called...
0:06:29 > 0:06:31DRUM ROLL
0:06:31 > 0:06:33- ..lunch! - CYMBAL CRASH
0:06:33 > 0:06:37- Do you mind if I write that down and kind of use it...- Yes, I do.
0:06:37 > 0:06:41You're a very experienced chef, cocker, but I bet you've had to work
0:06:41 > 0:06:44with some right lazy people in the kitchen, haven't you?
0:06:44 > 0:06:46The odd layabout that wasn't interested or didn't want to
0:06:46 > 0:06:50do any preparation, so my question to you is this...
0:06:51 > 0:06:55..why do you present Sunday Brunch with him?
0:06:55 > 0:06:57I'm talking about Timothy Lovejoy.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59That's the best question anyone's ever, ever asked me.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01Seriously, though.
0:07:01 > 0:07:06What does he bring to the show? What does that man bring?
0:07:06 > 0:07:10- Coffee, in the morning.- Ditch him! Ditch the man! He's a waster.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12Hey, maybe I could present it with you, you know.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15Oh, me and you have got loads in common.
0:07:15 > 0:07:18I'm big into football, you know. Oh, yes! I'm Mr Sportsman, me.
0:07:18 > 0:07:22I love football. Feet and balls, count me in, cocker!
0:07:22 > 0:07:26- Who do you support?- Liverpool. - Roberto's Army, they're good.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29# Oh, when the blues Hey, oh, when the blues...
0:07:29 > 0:07:30# Huh, hey! #
0:07:30 > 0:07:32Red. Red. Red. Red. Red.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35They're all the same to me, cocker. Next question,
0:07:35 > 0:07:36when you're not at work,
0:07:36 > 0:07:39- are people are always trying to get you to cook for them?- Yeah.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41I mean, quite often, people say, you know,
0:07:41 > 0:07:44- "Could you just make me something nice..."- Make me a sandwich.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47- No!- Go on. I've got all the main ingredients there.
0:07:47 > 0:07:50- Bread and meat paste. - No. That's disgusting.
0:07:50 > 0:07:55Simon, that paste is 15% pure meat!
0:07:55 > 0:07:59- It's disgusting. You can't eat that! - I told you he can't cook, cocker.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02He's a waster. One of the things that confuses me when you watch
0:08:02 > 0:08:06these cookery shows is all the different jobs in the kitchen.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08What's a chef de partie?
0:08:08 > 0:08:10Chef de partie is sort of the mid range,
0:08:10 > 0:08:13- the guys who do a lot of the tough work in the kitchen.- Oh.
0:08:13 > 0:08:17That explains why I lost my job as a chef de partie that time.
0:08:17 > 0:08:20Party!
0:08:20 > 0:08:21DANCE MUSIC PLAYS
0:08:24 > 0:08:25Get out!
0:08:25 > 0:08:28MUSIC SLOWS AND STOPS
0:08:28 > 0:08:31Even though I was fired, it was the best party I'd ever been to.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34Last question, Simon. What's your favourite course?
0:08:34 > 0:08:35I love the starters.
0:08:35 > 0:08:39You get such nice little strong, delicious flavours in there.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42- I think you can be really creative. - I've been recommended a course.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45Anger management! But I don't think I need it, cocker.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48Herman, get out!
0:08:48 > 0:08:50Go on! Keep going!
0:08:50 > 0:08:52HE ROARS
0:08:52 > 0:08:55Actually, it might prove useful, cocker.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58That's the end of my questioning, Simon. Yes, indeedy doo-dah.
0:08:58 > 0:09:01And I think you'll agree it was much more entertaining
0:09:01 > 0:09:02than an interview on your show.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05Larry, what are we having for our next course?
0:09:05 > 0:09:09Put your tray tables upright, fasten your seat belt and make sure your
0:09:09 > 0:09:13seat is in the upright position, because we're all going on holiday.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16Next stop, the Aeroport.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21Places to go, deadlines to keep.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23Food to put on tiny trays.
0:09:24 > 0:09:27It's all just another day in the life of...
0:09:27 > 0:09:29the Aeroport.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33Welcome to Wigan International Airport,
0:09:33 > 0:09:36one of the nation's least busy aeroports.
0:09:37 > 0:09:42On shift today, Bev Eccles, an attendant for Best Regional Airways.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44Hello, I'm Bev.
0:09:44 > 0:09:48As well as working on the planes, it's my job to make announcements
0:09:48 > 0:09:50to passengers before they get on the flight.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53- DING-DONG! - This is an announcement!
0:09:53 > 0:09:56Ooh, what an excellent announcement.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58Thank you.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01Hi. Yeah, I'm Denice.
0:10:01 > 0:10:04My favourite part of the job is being with the passengers.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06I really get on with them.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08I've got my passport, I've paid the money,
0:10:08 > 0:10:10now why won't you accept my ticket?
0:10:10 > 0:10:13Well, the thing is, those tickets...
0:10:13 > 0:10:16are for a cinema in Tenerife, you complete and utter fool.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18Aw, Wilf!
0:10:18 > 0:10:23Oh, that's embarrassing. Well, can we get a flight to Tenerife, then?
0:10:23 > 0:10:26Oh, well, let's have a look for you.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28TYPING ON KEYBOARD
0:10:28 > 0:10:30Sorry, we're fully booked!
0:10:30 > 0:10:32Oh, Wilf!
0:10:34 > 0:10:36Safety is very important here.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39I mean, Herman is wearing those headphones to protect his ears
0:10:39 > 0:10:41whilst he guides in the plane.
0:10:41 > 0:10:45No, these aren't to protect my ears. I'm just listening to my music.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47Do you want to hear it?
0:10:47 > 0:10:50- # ..apple, shake the tree... # - Herman! What are you doing, Herman?
0:10:50 > 0:10:53Stop pointing to us, or the plane will come right here!
0:10:53 > 0:10:57PLANE ENGINE ROARS, DEREK SHRIEKS
0:10:57 > 0:11:00Yes, when we're in the air,
0:11:00 > 0:11:03it's my job to make sure that all of the passengers are comfortable.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05No matter what class they're travelling in,
0:11:05 > 0:11:07we treat everyone the same.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS
0:11:10 > 0:11:13Is everything to your standards, Mr le Drew?
0:11:13 > 0:11:16- Have you got enough legroom? - Yes, thank you, my dear.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18I'm perfectly comfortable.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21Oh, well, if you'll excuse me,
0:11:21 > 0:11:25I've got to attend to the passengers in economy now. Bye, Mr le Drew.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28- Goodbye.- Bye, then.- Goodbye.
0:11:30 > 0:11:34Now, if any of you losers want anything, tell someone who cares!
0:11:34 > 0:11:35THEY ALL GROAN
0:11:35 > 0:11:37I'm Captain Barbara.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39I've been a pilot for seven years now.
0:11:39 > 0:11:42There's nothing I don't know about flying.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46Watch out! A big metal bird!
0:11:46 > 0:11:47Argh!
0:11:50 > 0:11:54As B.R.A. support manager, I'm also responsible for making sure
0:11:54 > 0:11:57that the runway is a safe environment for people to work in.
0:11:57 > 0:12:01Hold on a minute, who left these stairs by this big metal bird?
0:12:01 > 0:12:02Huh-huh!
0:12:02 > 0:12:06- They could have caused an accident. - AAAARRRGGHHH!!
0:12:06 > 0:12:08With all the passengers finally on board,
0:12:08 > 0:12:11Captain Barbara performs some final checks.
0:12:11 > 0:12:13Hair's good. Teeth are good.
0:12:13 > 0:12:16Complexion is excellent today.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19We're ready. Now, where's the "on" button?
0:12:21 > 0:12:25Next time, Derek McGhee continues to clear up all the steps...
0:12:26 > 0:12:28AAAARRRGGHHH!!
0:12:29 > 0:12:32..and Captain Barbara still has a fear of big metal birds.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34Argh! Arghhhhh!
0:12:34 > 0:12:35Arghhhhh!
0:12:35 > 0:12:38Argh! Argh! Argh!
0:12:39 > 0:12:43It's all just another day in the life of the Aeroport.
0:12:45 > 0:12:49I made that all myself, you know, although the reason why escapes me.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51Simon Rimmer, on Sunday Brunch,
0:12:51 > 0:12:54- you often read out e-mails from your viewers, don't you?- Yes.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56Well, here's a little tip from me, cocker.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58Don't waste time reading out your own e-mails.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00Let some cheap buffoons do it for you.
0:13:00 > 0:13:04Mine are going through my mountains of fan mail right now.
0:13:04 > 0:13:08Hey, Herman, Wilf! What have my adoring fans got to say today?
0:13:08 > 0:13:10Thanks, Hacker. This is the Opinion Parlour,
0:13:10 > 0:13:14where we look at what you've got to say about the show.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16In honour of top chef Simon Rimmer,
0:13:16 > 0:13:19today we're asking you to send in photos of what you have made.
0:13:19 > 0:13:24Marie Claire from Maidstone has made a cup of tea. Ooh. Looks nice.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26Well done.
0:13:26 > 0:13:27And Les from Nigeria
0:13:27 > 0:13:30sent us a picture of what he's made in the toilet.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33No, no, no! Do not show that picture!
0:13:33 > 0:13:35And moving on, Anne from Eccles
0:13:35 > 0:13:38is on the line, after some recipe advice.
0:13:38 > 0:13:42Yes, I very much enjoy Chinese food.
0:13:42 > 0:13:45Is there anything quick and easy that you could recommend?
0:13:45 > 0:13:47Er, yes, of course.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49Number 87, the chicken foo yung.
0:13:49 > 0:13:51The Wonky Wok delivers in half an hour.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54What terrible advice.
0:13:54 > 0:13:58I'm never writing into this programme again! Good day.
0:13:59 > 0:14:04And if you'd like to e-mail in, the address is OpinionParlour@...
0:14:04 > 0:14:07Sorry, no - it's Opinion.Parlour...
0:14:07 > 0:14:09Or something, then .com.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11Or was it co.uk?
0:14:11 > 0:14:14That's it for today's Opinion Parlour.
0:14:14 > 0:14:18- It's back to you, Hacker. - Yeah, or it might be net.- Yeah.- Yeah.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20Well, that was below average, as usual.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22Anyway, it's confession time, cocker.
0:14:22 > 0:14:26I know I talk the talk when it comes to food, but in actual fact,
0:14:26 > 0:14:28I don't know anything.
0:14:28 > 0:14:32Allow me to further illustrate my ignorance, via the medium of song.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41# My ignorance with cooking
0:14:41 > 0:14:44# Makes me a raspberry fool
0:14:44 > 0:14:47# Don't know my baked Alaska
0:14:47 > 0:14:49# From my mother's gruel
0:14:49 > 0:14:55# I thought a goat's cheese parcel was something in the mail
0:14:55 > 0:14:57# You can stick your pan-fried halloumi
0:14:57 > 0:15:00# And that porridge made of snail
0:15:00 > 0:15:02# Don't want no hake
0:15:02 > 0:15:04# Don't want no hake
0:15:04 > 0:15:05# No venison steak
0:15:05 > 0:15:06# No venison steak
0:15:06 > 0:15:08# My only taste
0:15:08 > 0:15:09# My only taste
0:15:09 > 0:15:10# Is for meat paste
0:15:10 > 0:15:12# Is for meat paste
0:15:12 > 0:15:13# Don't want no truffle
0:15:13 > 0:15:15# Don't want no truffle
0:15:15 > 0:15:16# Or fried falafel
0:15:16 > 0:15:17# Or fried falafel
0:15:17 > 0:15:18# My only taste
0:15:18 > 0:15:20# My only taste
0:15:20 > 0:15:21# Is for meat paste
0:15:21 > 0:15:23# Samphire posset, celeriac jus
0:15:23 > 0:15:25# Aubergine, star anise
0:15:25 > 0:15:26# And goujons too
0:15:26 > 0:15:29# Quail eggs, you can get right out of my face
0:15:29 > 0:15:32# My favourite is taste is that of meat paste. Huh! #
0:15:32 > 0:15:33What do you think, cocker?
0:15:33 > 0:15:36I think you need a more varied diet, mate.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39I will never, ever, ever like all that fancy muck.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42Oh, suit yourself. It's entirely up to you.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45Ooh, Simon. What have you got there?
0:15:45 > 0:15:49This? Oh, it's slow-cooked Vietnamese pork belly in lovely spicy sauce.
0:15:49 > 0:15:50Delicious sandwich.
0:15:50 > 0:15:51I must have it!
0:15:51 > 0:15:52Yum-yum! Argh!
0:15:52 > 0:15:55Give me the pig's stomach and...
0:15:56 > 0:15:58What's on the menu next, Larry?
0:15:58 > 0:16:00Oh, give us it!
0:16:00 > 0:16:02Still to come on today's Hacker Time...
0:16:02 > 0:16:05Derek discusses underwear with his mother...
0:16:05 > 0:16:07- Knickers.- No, underpants.
0:16:07 > 0:16:11- ..Simon insults Hacker... - Flat-bottomed?- How dare you?!
0:16:11 > 0:16:14..and the Quarter Past 4 O'Clock Club gets hysterical.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16Duh, historical.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18All still to come.
0:16:18 > 0:16:21I'd like to share with you my thoughts on the CBBC show
0:16:21 > 0:16:22Hacker Time.
0:16:22 > 0:16:25Personally, I think it's awful. I mean, it's on the fourth...
0:16:25 > 0:16:27Oh, I'm bored of this.
0:16:29 > 0:16:34- Ooh, I'm famished, Lolly. - What have you got today, Derek?
0:16:34 > 0:16:38Just this mackerel sandwich and a half-sucked lemon sherbet.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40What's this note?
0:16:40 > 0:16:42SHE READS
0:16:47 > 0:16:50SHE LAUGHS Oh, that's embarrassing!
0:16:50 > 0:16:52I know, but it could've been worse.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54- Derek!- See.
0:16:54 > 0:17:00I forgot to put your super-special sparkle cupcake in with your lunch.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03Oh, it doesn't get any more embarrassing than that.
0:17:03 > 0:17:08- And you forgot your pink underpants. - Oh, knickers.
0:17:08 > 0:17:09No, underpants.
0:17:09 > 0:17:11Your little pink ones.
0:17:11 > 0:17:12SHE LAUGHS
0:17:12 > 0:17:13Over to you, Larry.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15Put them down, Mother.
0:17:15 > 0:17:18Ladies and gentlemen, prepare to witness an excellent new
0:17:18 > 0:17:24programme that is in no way a blatant copy of an existing TV show.
0:17:24 > 0:17:25It's time for...
0:17:29 > 0:17:31..Sunday Munch.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36Oh, I'm so relaxed.
0:17:36 > 0:17:38I'm barely even bothered.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41- I'll be the same when we're on air. - We ARE on air.- Yuh?! We're on!?
0:17:41 > 0:17:43Argh!
0:17:44 > 0:17:47Yes, welcome to Sunday Munch, with me,
0:17:47 > 0:17:50Jim Nojoy, and my sidekick, the chef.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53- It's Simon Rimmer. - Yeah, whatever. It's my show.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56Coming up today, we'll fail miserably at the latest dance craze,
0:17:56 > 0:17:59and our celebrity guest today is Manky the Cat.
0:17:59 > 0:18:03He'll be talking about his new role in Watervole Road.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05What are we making today, Si?
0:18:05 > 0:18:09- Chicken liver parfait with red onion marmalade.- Or?
0:18:09 > 0:18:12Um...shredded Moroccan lamb shoulder.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15- Or?- Seared...- Oh, forget it! Follow me.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18It's time to cook something proper instead of all this posh muck.
0:18:21 > 0:18:22Right, now on Sunday Munch,
0:18:22 > 0:18:25it's time to get cooking, isn't it, the chef?
0:18:25 > 0:18:26Simon Rimmer.
0:18:26 > 0:18:30The chef. Why don't you start by chopping some "honions"?
0:18:30 > 0:18:31OK, no problem.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34HACKER SOBS
0:18:34 > 0:18:36- Argh!- Are the onions making you cry?
0:18:36 > 0:18:40No, I just had much higher hopes for this item.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42You really are grating on me, Simon.
0:18:42 > 0:18:43Am I really that annoying?
0:18:43 > 0:18:45No, look, you're grating all over my hand!
0:18:45 > 0:18:46Stop with your carrots!
0:18:46 > 0:18:49- Sorry, sorry. Sorry.- Right, Simon.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52For the next stage of the recipe, you're going to need get a pan out.
0:18:53 > 0:18:55- Flat-bottomed?- How dare you?!
0:18:55 > 0:18:58Yes, I have got a flat bottom. It's a little problem I suffer...
0:18:58 > 0:19:01Oh, yes, the pan. Of course. Put it on the hob, yes.
0:19:01 > 0:19:04- Because it's time now to start cooking the onions.- Frying?
0:19:04 > 0:19:06- No, boiling. - You want to boil the onions?
0:19:06 > 0:19:09No, I'M boiling. Isn't there a window in here, cocker?
0:19:09 > 0:19:13Oh, never mind. On with the cookery.
0:19:13 > 0:19:14You know what?
0:19:14 > 0:19:17I think we could do with adding some seasoning to that pan, Si.
0:19:17 > 0:19:20- Cardamom?- Why would I wear a CARDIGAN when I'm this hot, Simon?
0:19:20 > 0:19:22Use your bonce, Sonny Jim!
0:19:22 > 0:19:25But we need something in there to bulk up the recipe.
0:19:25 > 0:19:28- What about potatoes?- Oh, yes. How about a Jersey Royal?
0:19:28 > 0:19:31Hello. I'm the King of Jersey.
0:19:31 > 0:19:32Out.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34Sorry.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37- Right, we're just about ready for service.- Right ye are.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39- Ready! - WIMBLEDON THEME MUSIC
0:19:39 > 0:19:40No.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43- FOOD service.- You cannot be serious!
0:19:43 > 0:19:45Oh, let's plate up.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47I'm always getting those things mixed up.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50Oh, Hacker, this looks terrible.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52Who's this?
0:19:53 > 0:19:55- FRENCH ACCENT:- Hello.
0:19:55 > 0:19:59I am a passing Michelin-starred chef. What do we have here?
0:19:59 > 0:20:02Don't worry, Simon. Simon, I'll take the blame for this filth.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04Don't you fret.
0:20:04 > 0:20:05Who made this?
0:20:05 > 0:20:07I did. Eh?
0:20:07 > 0:20:10Professional chef Simon Rimmer didn't go anywhere near it.
0:20:10 > 0:20:11I promise.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14Good, because I don't like it!
0:20:14 > 0:20:16I love it!
0:20:16 > 0:20:17What?!
0:20:17 > 0:20:20Simon, maybe if you cook like this, you could actually have
0:20:20 > 0:20:21a Michelin star.
0:20:21 > 0:20:23I've had enough of this. I'm out of here.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26And that's the end of today's Sunday Munch. Ta-ta.
0:20:29 > 0:20:33Ladies and gentlemen, I can only apologise for what you've just seen.
0:20:33 > 0:20:37That is the last time we'll do a cheap copy of a much better
0:20:37 > 0:20:39- programme. - HE CHUCKLES
0:20:39 > 0:20:43Well, time now for the Quarter Past 4 O'Clock club.
0:20:43 > 0:20:44SCHOOL BELL RINGS
0:20:44 > 0:20:49And that is why the 1872 Parliamentary Bobbins Act
0:20:49 > 0:20:53restricted mill workers' tea breaks to just two per year.
0:20:53 > 0:20:56Arghhhh.
0:20:56 > 0:20:57Ohhh. Yohhh. Yowww.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59What's the matter with you, mister?
0:20:59 > 0:21:02Oh, just constipated.
0:21:02 > 0:21:06But in an unrelated news story, I hate history.
0:21:06 > 0:21:07Josh!
0:21:07 > 0:21:10HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS
0:21:10 > 0:21:11HE RAPS: History's history
0:21:11 > 0:21:13So take a seat
0:21:13 > 0:21:14I'm taking my time to perfect the beat
0:21:14 > 0:21:17To tell you about the Tudors The kings, the queens
0:21:17 > 0:21:19And the Spanish Armada Hashtag amazing scenes
0:21:19 > 0:21:22Can't you tell by my lyrics I'm a modern-day Shakespeare?
0:21:22 > 0:21:24Spin rhymes like I have no fear
0:21:24 > 0:21:26I'm Florence Nightingale I'll nurse you back to health
0:21:26 > 0:21:28Or Julius Caesar, but without...
0:21:28 > 0:21:29The wealth
0:21:29 > 0:21:31I don't know anything It doesn't interest me
0:21:31 > 0:21:33I had six wives Oh, I'm King Henry
0:21:33 > 0:21:35I invented the phone I'm Alexander Bell
0:21:35 > 0:21:38I'm a marksman with a crossbow Look, I'm William Tell!
0:21:38 > 0:21:40HE WHIMPERS
0:21:41 > 0:21:42Josh, you've got it You know your history
0:21:42 > 0:21:45Don't try and trick me Who are you - Harry Houdini?
0:21:45 > 0:21:47Your knowledge is growing You'll be absolutely fine
0:21:47 > 0:21:50- I'm like Darwin or Newton - BOTH:- Or Albert Einstein
0:21:50 > 0:21:52- Yeah!- Uh-huh, uh-huh
0:21:52 > 0:21:55History is great
0:21:55 > 0:21:56Uh-huh, uh-huh
0:21:56 > 0:22:00- # History is my thing - Yeah!
0:22:00 > 0:22:01Uh-huh, uh-huh
0:22:01 > 0:22:04# Leonardo da Vinci
0:22:04 > 0:22:05# Yea-eah! #
0:22:05 > 0:22:06Maths.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08Wait, what?! MUSIC STOPS
0:22:08 > 0:22:10Thanks, sir. I've learnt something today.
0:22:10 > 0:22:14What, that history is vital in gaining the true perception
0:22:14 > 0:22:15of the world we live in?
0:22:15 > 0:22:18No, I've learnt that prunes are very effective at relieving
0:22:18 > 0:22:19constipation.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21Thwrrrp!
0:22:21 > 0:22:22PLOPPING
0:22:22 > 0:22:24CLASS GROANS
0:22:24 > 0:22:26Made a right mess here.
0:22:26 > 0:22:27HE GASPS
0:22:27 > 0:22:28SCHOOL BELL RINGS
0:22:28 > 0:22:31Hopefully, you've got room for a dessert,
0:22:31 > 0:22:34because it's time for the climax of today's show.
0:22:34 > 0:22:38It's not tasty or satisfying, but give it a try anyway.
0:22:38 > 0:22:42It's the end-of-the-show quiz. Take it away, Hacker.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44Simon Rimmer, Get Out!
0:22:47 > 0:22:49It's the name of the next part of the show.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51It's my dead-good game show.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53You see, I've had enough of you for one day,
0:22:53 > 0:22:55so I'm going to get rid of you from my studio.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57- What do you think about that? - I can't wait to get out.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59I just want to leave.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01You'll be fighting to get back up to the ground floor
0:23:01 > 0:23:03so you can return to your kitchen.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05Your vol-au-vents are burning.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07Ooh, they're singed, cocker.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09Get a question right and go up a level.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12Get one wrong and you go back down a level.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14When the time's up, you'll either leave or end up
0:23:14 > 0:23:17on one of my other weird and wonderful floors,
0:23:17 > 0:23:20like Carl the Sheep's Celebrity Toenail Emporium.
0:23:20 > 0:23:22What do you think about that, cocker?
0:23:22 > 0:23:24I want to get onto that ground floor and get home.
0:23:24 > 0:23:28- Well, you've got until you hear this sound...- Ha-hoo!
0:23:28 > 0:23:30So the three, two, mozzarella, go!
0:23:30 > 0:23:32Which of these is not a fruit?
0:23:32 > 0:23:34Is it A - monster fruit,
0:23:34 > 0:23:35B - ugly fruit
0:23:35 > 0:23:37or C - hideous fruit?
0:23:37 > 0:23:38HE CHUCKLES
0:23:38 > 0:23:40- Is NOT a fruit?- Yeah.- Hideous fruit.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42Correct. It is hideous fruit.
0:23:42 > 0:23:46Which celebrity chef has been McGee'd in this picture?
0:23:47 > 0:23:48Mary Berry.
0:23:48 > 0:23:49Correct-a-mundo!
0:23:49 > 0:23:52Now it's time to bring out my old chum and confidant
0:23:52 > 0:23:55and all-round good guy, Accordion George!
0:23:55 > 0:23:58# It's Accordion George Huh!
0:23:58 > 0:24:01# It's Accordion George Huh!
0:24:01 > 0:24:02# It's Accordion George
0:24:02 > 0:24:04# Acky G! #
0:24:04 > 0:24:07Ag, Ag! Yes, it's my old chum Acky G.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10Which popular tune is my chum Acky G playing?
0:24:10 > 0:24:12Take it away, The Big G!
0:24:26 > 0:24:28What tune is that? It was a bit flat, George.
0:24:28 > 0:24:31- What tune is it, Si?- No idea!
0:24:31 > 0:24:34Well, I couldn't tell, because he played it really badly,
0:24:34 > 0:24:36but it was actually the Best Song Ever by One Direction.
0:24:36 > 0:24:37Let's hear it played in.
0:24:37 > 0:24:41# And we danced all night To the best song ever... #
0:24:41 > 0:24:43Of course.
0:24:43 > 0:24:46Turn it down. That's how you do it, George.
0:24:46 > 0:24:50You were no Harry Styles, were you, cocker? By jingo, get out!
0:24:50 > 0:24:53Go on, shut the doors. Give us a wave, George. Too late.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56Simon Rimmer, beside you is a blender containing the blended
0:24:56 > 0:24:58remains of last night's dinner.
0:24:58 > 0:25:02Elevate it to your podia, give it a taste, and tell me
0:25:02 > 0:25:04what classic Italian dish it used to be.
0:25:05 > 0:25:06HE LAUGHS
0:25:06 > 0:25:10Tastes bad, doesn't it, cocker? But what was it?
0:25:10 > 0:25:13- Was it a pizza? - Nil! I'm afraid it was not a pizza.
0:25:13 > 0:25:17The answer was spaghetti al pomodoro.
0:25:17 > 0:25:20Or as I like to call it, pasta and tomatoes.
0:25:20 > 0:25:23- Not nice.- Ooh, you're not doing very well, cocker.
0:25:23 > 0:25:24You're back on floor minus 5.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26You've got to get this one right.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28Which medical show has my close friend
0:25:28 > 0:25:31and confidant Harry Tongue been on this week?
0:25:31 > 0:25:33Is it A - Operation Ouch
0:25:33 > 0:25:35or B - Doctors?
0:25:35 > 0:25:36Doctors.
0:25:36 > 0:25:37Oh, let's find out.
0:25:37 > 0:25:40Welcome to another edition of Operation...
0:25:40 > 0:25:43- Ouch. - CRUNCHING
0:25:43 > 0:25:44Sorry, Harry.
0:25:44 > 0:25:45Oh, Harry.
0:25:45 > 0:25:48Please do not eat polystyrene cups at home.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50But you can always knock them off the desk thus.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53All right, cocker, you got that one wrong. The next one is this.
0:25:53 > 0:25:57What has my useless assistant Herman forgotten to do in the studio?
0:25:57 > 0:26:00Is it A - remove the angry lion that lives below the desk,
0:26:00 > 0:26:03or B - arrange your payment for this appearance?
0:26:03 > 0:26:06Arrange my payment for this appearance.
0:26:06 > 0:26:09Sadly not - it was remove the angry lion that lives beneath the desk.
0:26:09 > 0:26:13- ROARING - Argh, get off my leg! Stop it, Tiddles!
0:26:13 > 0:26:14MIAOW!
0:26:14 > 0:26:15Right.
0:26:15 > 0:26:17Next one, catch this.
0:26:19 > 0:26:20Ha-hoo!
0:26:20 > 0:26:23Oh, you were abysmal in that, so I'm not going to release you
0:26:23 > 0:26:26to the ground floor, but I am going to send you
0:26:26 > 0:26:30to Gerard and Nigel, who have got their very own nit-comb cellar.
0:26:30 > 0:26:32But...I didn't hear the questions. I've got restaurants to run,
0:26:32 > 0:26:35Tim Lovejoy will be waiting for me on Sunday. I've got...
0:26:35 > 0:26:36Get out!
0:26:36 > 0:26:38Go on.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41Um, Simon, before you go, is there anything you'd like to say?
0:26:41 > 0:26:43Yeah, I just want to say that...
0:26:43 > 0:26:46Ha-ha-ha! What a lovely and talented woman.
0:26:46 > 0:26:48That's the end of my show for today.
0:26:48 > 0:26:50Thanks for joining me, cocker. I've got to go now.
0:26:50 > 0:26:53I've got a salmon defrosting. I've no idea what to do with it.
0:26:53 > 0:26:54I can't cook.
0:26:54 > 0:26:57I might just put a ginger wig on it and pretend it's Anne Robinson.
0:26:57 > 0:26:58See you!
0:27:03 > 0:27:05# That is it for now The end of the show
0:27:05 > 0:27:08# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go
0:27:08 > 0:27:10# I'll see you next time on this show of mine
0:27:10 > 0:27:12# Put it in your diary - it's called Hacker Time
0:27:12 > 0:27:15# It's been amazing We've been larking around
0:27:15 > 0:27:17# The whole programme cost just under a pound
0:27:17 > 0:27:19# Watch again next time cos we've got much more
0:27:19 > 0:27:22# There'll be tons of other funny stuff - it will be top-drawer
0:27:22 > 0:27:24# Simon Rimmer, the TV chef
0:27:24 > 0:27:27# Tried to show me a thing or two
0:27:27 > 0:27:29# We hosted a cooking show together
0:27:29 > 0:27:31# But what we ended up making just looked like a pile of poo
0:27:31 > 0:27:34# That is it for now The end of the show
0:27:34 > 0:27:37# I need the last lav-lav so I'm going to go
0:27:37 > 0:27:39# I'll see you next time on this show of mine
0:27:39 > 0:27:41# Put it in your diary - it's called Hacker Time!
0:27:41 > 0:27:44# Put it in your diary - it's called Hacker Time!
0:27:44 > 0:27:46# That is the end of today's Hacker Time! #
0:27:46 > 0:27:48# Get out, Harry! #