0:00:02 > 0:00:04If you are affected by any of the issues in today's Hacker Time,
0:00:04 > 0:00:07then watch something else.
0:00:07 > 0:00:09Good news, everyone.
0:00:09 > 0:00:12The ratings for the show have come in and they're off the chart.
0:00:12 > 0:00:14Hurray!
0:00:14 > 0:00:18The bad news is they're off the chart in the wrong direction.
0:00:18 > 0:00:20We've lost all our viewers.
0:00:23 > 0:00:25They can't both have switched off.
0:00:25 > 0:00:26But why?
0:00:26 > 0:00:29LOLLY: Because this show's a load of old tat.
0:00:29 > 0:00:32The trouble is when people think of Hacker Time,
0:00:32 > 0:00:34they think of one character who's been letting us down
0:00:34 > 0:00:38and if we want to boost the ratings, we have to get rid of him.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44Yeah, he's got no talent.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46He looks a bit scruffy.
0:00:46 > 0:00:49He's stupid, unfunny and totally one-dimensional.
0:00:49 > 0:00:53And worst of all, he gets paid more than the rest of us put together.
0:00:53 > 0:00:56Oh, I suppose you're right.
0:00:58 > 0:01:01Harry Tongue, you've had your day!
0:01:04 > 0:01:06That's better.
0:01:06 > 0:01:08Let's get on with the show!
0:01:11 > 0:01:13# You gotta watch this
0:01:15 > 0:01:17# You gotta watch this
0:01:18 > 0:01:21# You gotta watch this
0:01:21 > 0:01:24# My, my, my, my programme hits you so hard
0:01:24 > 0:01:26# Makes me say oh, my word!
0:01:26 > 0:01:29# Thank you for watching me It's telly
0:01:29 > 0:01:30# But not what you normally see
0:01:30 > 0:01:32# It feels good and there's outtakes too
0:01:32 > 0:01:34# Comedy, guests and clips it's true
0:01:34 > 0:01:36# So sit back, don't move too much This is the show
0:01:36 > 0:01:38# Ha! You can't touch
0:01:38 > 0:01:42# Stop! Hacker time! # Thank you.
0:01:42 > 0:01:46Stand by, then, everyone. We're on air in five,
0:01:46 > 0:01:48four, three,
0:01:48 > 0:01:50two, one.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53Cue Hacker!
0:01:54 > 0:01:56You all right, me mighty cockers?
0:01:56 > 0:01:58Welcome to the show.
0:01:58 > 0:02:03- Today's special guest is one of the biggest names on TV.- Hiya, Hacker.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05Not you! Get out, Ricky.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07What a lovely woman.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09No, today's guest is a proper person
0:02:09 > 0:02:12and she should be arriving any minute.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14She just doesn't know it yet.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18Hi, I'm Maisie and I'm here for EastEnders.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21- Yep, yeah, it's this way, get in the lift.- What?- That way.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23- No, it's that way.- No, they've moved it for tax purposes. Get in.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26- No, it's that way.- Get in the lift. - No, it's definitely that way.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28Shut the doors.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30Down.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32ALARM BLARES
0:02:37 > 0:02:41She plays Tiffany in EastEnders, it's Maisie Smith.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46You all right, me old cockney sparrow?
0:02:46 > 0:02:48Welcome to Hacker Time.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50Oh, I'm not doing this.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53EASTENDERS DRUMBEATS
0:02:53 > 0:02:56Sorry, that was the alarm that means the lift's broken.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58You'll have to stay now.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03Derek, the fact file.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06Coming right up, me little cockney owls.
0:03:09 > 0:03:13Maisie Smith has played Tiffany in EastEnders since she was six.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15Just as the Butcher family
0:03:15 > 0:03:17were forming an ill-advised hip-hop group.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19Since then she's perfected the art
0:03:19 > 0:03:22of subtly drawing attention to her jewellery,
0:03:22 > 0:03:26wearing scarves and gloves made of candyfloss and
0:03:26 > 0:03:30sporting a side plait whilst looking smugly at her screen mum Bianca.
0:03:30 > 0:03:34And that's pretty much nothing you need to know about Maisie Smith.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37Well, I never knew any of that, Maisie.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40Maisie?
0:03:40 > 0:03:43I don't believe it!
0:03:45 > 0:03:47And after playing Hamlet in the West End,
0:03:47 > 0:03:49I became a major Hollywood star.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52Wow! Have you ever thought about going back into acting?
0:03:52 > 0:03:55No, no, it's all behind me now.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57After winning my third Oscar
0:03:57 > 0:03:59I wanted a job that would challenge me more.
0:03:59 > 0:04:02- Herman!- Yeah?- I've got a challenge for you.- Hm?
0:04:02 > 0:04:04The toilet's blocked again.
0:04:04 > 0:04:09Well, I wasn't treated like this on Mission: Impossible 3.
0:04:09 > 0:04:13Mind you, this could be Mission: Impossible 4.
0:04:13 > 0:04:17It's blocked, I chucked all his Oscars in it. Ha-ha.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20Talking of toilets, we've got a show to do.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22Larry, the menu.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26Oh, you'll laugh until you trump a little tune
0:04:26 > 0:04:29when you see what we've got in store.
0:04:29 > 0:04:33Coming up, Hacker uncovers a behind the scenes scoop from Albert Square.
0:04:33 > 0:04:37You're trumping on her knee, you're guffing on her thigh!
0:04:37 > 0:04:40It's service with a smile at the Aeroport.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42You smell like a rubbish dump.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45And Herman and Wilf look at more of your photos.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47My flash wasn't working.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50All this and more on Hacker Time.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53Oh, there's so much in this show, it makes my tiny brain go
0:04:53 > 0:04:55woof, woof, woof, bah!
0:04:55 > 0:04:57Pop, pop, whoo, whoo!
0:04:57 > 0:04:59But first, it's time for the big interview.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02Are you ready, Maisie Smith off EastEnders?
0:05:02 > 0:05:04- Yeah.- Belting.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06Question one, I'm a massive fan of your programme,
0:05:06 > 0:05:09I love Deidre Barlow, I love the Woolpack,
0:05:09 > 0:05:11I love how you all work at Holby General Hospital
0:05:11 > 0:05:13with your grating Australian accents
0:05:13 > 0:05:16and your diplomas from Hollyoaks Community College.
0:05:16 > 0:05:19- It's a great show, Waterloo Road, ain't it?- What?
0:05:19 > 0:05:23- I'm in EastEnders, not Waterloo Road. - EastEnders?
0:05:23 > 0:05:25Oh, I never watch that rubbish, no.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28I'm just kidding, cocker. I do watch that muck.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31Maisie, you're a proper actress in a way,
0:05:31 > 0:05:33have you ever won a Soap Award?
0:05:33 > 0:05:37I have won one Soap Award and a couple of Inside Soap awards.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40All right, love, there's no need to brag.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42- I've won a Soap Award too, you know? Look!- Really?
0:05:42 > 0:05:45The trouble is it's worn away in the bath.
0:05:45 > 0:05:49I think I've been a little overzealous around my crevices.
0:05:49 > 0:05:53- Maisie, can you speak cockney rhyming slang?- A little bit.
0:05:53 > 0:05:57OK then, what does this phrase mean in normal English?
0:05:57 > 0:05:59Apples and pears.
0:05:59 > 0:06:00Stairs?
0:06:00 > 0:06:03- No, apples and pears are two types of fruit.- Yeah, OK.
0:06:03 > 0:06:07Oh, I love EastEnders really, but everyone's always shouting.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10That wouldn't happen in real life.
0:06:10 > 0:06:14Psst, Mr Hacker, I've brought your fair-trade, decaf,
0:06:14 > 0:06:18- soya milk mocaccino. - SHOUTING:- What do you call this?
0:06:18 > 0:06:21I ask for vegan friendly chocolate sprinkles, Herman!
0:06:21 > 0:06:22Now get out!
0:06:22 > 0:06:25EASTENDERS DRUMBEATS
0:06:25 > 0:06:29And fix that lift, will you? It's getting right on my nerves.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31- Of course I was once in EastEnders, cocker.- Really?
0:06:31 > 0:06:34- I acted with you, do you remember?- No.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36Peer at this, cockle.
0:06:38 > 0:06:42You rang, Lady Tiffany?
0:06:42 > 0:06:43Have you polished the silver?
0:06:43 > 0:06:47I certainly have, your highness, although might I say,
0:06:47 > 0:06:51Lady Tiffany, I'm getting rather tired of your constant demands.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54- Have you laid the fire in my bedroom as I ordered?- Well, yes, I have.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56But as I was saying, your royal bidding
0:06:56 > 0:06:59is starting to become unbearable. Next you'll be telling me that
0:06:59 > 0:07:02I have to kiss your hand or something ridiculous.
0:07:02 > 0:07:03Right, you may kiss my hand.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06Right, if you think I'm kissing that thing, you must be mad.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09It stinks, where's it been, love?
0:07:09 > 0:07:11You know the rules of the game, you have to do everything I say
0:07:11 > 0:07:13when I say it.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16What am I? Your butler or something?
0:07:16 > 0:07:17Oh.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19What do you think of that, cocker?
0:07:19 > 0:07:22- It's good.- That took minutes, that.
0:07:22 > 0:07:26On the show, you're always harping on about Albert Square, ain't ya?
0:07:26 > 0:07:29But who is this Albert Square bloke? I've never heard of him.
0:07:29 > 0:07:33- It's the name of the street. - Ooh, yeah.
0:07:33 > 0:07:34I should've known that.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37Whoever heard of a shape with a person's name?
0:07:37 > 0:07:39Oh, hang on a minute, how dare you!
0:07:39 > 0:07:41My name is Reginald Oblong
0:07:41 > 0:07:45and we shape people are tired of being ignored by society.
0:07:45 > 0:07:49Get out and take your unequal sides with you, Reg.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51You haven't heard the last of this.
0:07:51 > 0:07:54I'm letting Bernard Dodecahedron know!
0:07:54 > 0:07:56Get out, you sickening shape.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58I'm sorry about that, Maisie.
0:07:58 > 0:08:02We had a break in by a family of convex polygons last week.
0:08:02 > 0:08:06Moving on, how long have you been in EastEnders?
0:08:06 > 0:08:07Seven years.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10Oh, seven years, cocker. In that case,
0:08:10 > 0:08:12let's take a look at some of the highlights from your career.
0:08:12 > 0:08:16Do you remember the time you trumped on Bianca's knee?
0:08:16 > 0:08:19- Look! There's evidence, you're trumping on her knee!- No, I didn't.
0:08:19 > 0:08:23- You're guffing on her thigh. - I didn't!
0:08:23 > 0:08:27- Do you remember the time that you got married to Dot Cotton?- No.
0:08:27 > 0:08:28Peer at the evidence.
0:08:28 > 0:08:32You are legally bound to Dorothy Cotton for all eternity.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34I'm not married, that's so wrong.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37I have another picture to put in front of your very eyes.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40Do you remember the time that you were crying
0:08:40 > 0:08:43because your face turned into a massive bowl? Look!
0:08:43 > 0:08:45You've got a bowl for a face.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47No wonder you're upset, cocker,
0:08:47 > 0:08:51I bet you had currants weeping from your pigeon eyes.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53I was licking cake mixture from the bowl.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56Yeah, well, they all say that when their face turns into a bowl.
0:08:56 > 0:09:00I remember I wept for a week when my leg turned into a muffin tray.
0:09:01 > 0:09:05Moving on, are you anything like your character Tiffany in real life?
0:09:05 > 0:09:07Erm...
0:09:07 > 0:09:08yeah, a little bit.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11I mean, I'm nothing like the character I portray on screen.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13You should see me in the dressing room before the show, cocker.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16Ooh, you wouldn't recognise me.
0:09:16 > 0:09:21I think it was Shakespeare who said a fool thinks himself to be wise,
0:09:21 > 0:09:23but a wise man knows himself to be a fool.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25KNOCK ON DOOR
0:09:25 > 0:09:29Hacker, it's almost time for the bit when you lick a stoat for no reason.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31Coming.
0:09:31 > 0:09:35Three, two, one.
0:09:35 > 0:09:36Nyah!
0:09:38 > 0:09:40Ahh!
0:09:40 > 0:09:42HE CRIES
0:09:42 > 0:09:44What have I become?
0:09:44 > 0:09:48EASTENDERS DRUMBEATS
0:09:48 > 0:09:49And that lift's still broken.
0:09:49 > 0:09:52Larry, cut to something else.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57Pack your bags, because we're jetting off to the Aeroport next.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00Today's episode is all about customer service
0:10:00 > 0:10:03or the lack of it.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05Oh, it's a terrible place, you'll see.
0:10:08 > 0:10:13Places to go, deadlines to keep and planes moving around,
0:10:13 > 0:10:16it's all just another day in the life of the Aeroport.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23Here at Wigan International, the airport's largest airline,
0:10:23 > 0:10:27Best Regional Airlines, prides itself on its customer service.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29That pass looks fraudulent.
0:10:29 > 0:10:32It doesn't matter if you're David Beckham or a bin man,
0:10:32 > 0:10:35I treat everyone the same.
0:10:35 > 0:10:39I don't care if you've got a ticket, you're not getting on,
0:10:39 > 0:10:41you smell like a rubbish dump
0:10:41 > 0:10:44and as for you, Mr David Beckham,
0:10:44 > 0:10:46you stink of toilets.
0:10:47 > 0:10:51For me, good customer service is all about communication.
0:10:53 > 0:10:58I'm pleased to announce that we are now boarding rows A to F.
0:11:01 > 0:11:05With the exception of rows B,
0:11:05 > 0:11:06C
0:11:06 > 0:11:08and D.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10E
0:11:10 > 0:11:11and F
0:11:11 > 0:11:13and also row A.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18Rows T to N, you'll actually be travelling on a different plane
0:11:18 > 0:11:21which is now boarding at gate nine
0:11:21 > 0:11:24from a different airport.
0:11:26 > 0:11:29I'm the BRA support manager here at the aeroport.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32I'm not allowed to talk to any of the passengers but my job is
0:11:32 > 0:11:35to make sure their luggage is treated with care and dignity.
0:11:35 > 0:11:38This one's called Vivien. Oh.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41- Herman.- Yeah?- Catch Vivien.
0:11:44 > 0:11:48I've been working for BRA Airways for 17 years now.
0:11:48 > 0:11:52One of the biggest parts of my job is keeping all the passengers calm
0:11:52 > 0:11:54and I'm dead good at that, me.
0:11:54 > 0:11:59Guess what, everyone? There's going to be a celebrity on today's flight.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01CHEERING AND MUSIC PLAYS
0:12:01 > 0:12:05- I wonder what celebrity it's going to be.- Oh, what if it's Lady Gaga?
0:12:05 > 0:12:08What if it's Harry Styles?
0:12:08 > 0:12:11What if it's Vivien the suitcase?
0:12:11 > 0:12:12MUSIC STOPS
0:12:14 > 0:12:15Just me, then.
0:12:16 > 0:12:20Or maybe it's an old Doctor Who.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23No, it's me.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25Wahey! Brilliant.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32You're just in time for the arrival of the celebrity.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35It's me.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39Yeah, you said that, Yonko, now get out the way or we'll miss 'em.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43- Sorry.- Get in.- I know, excuse me.
0:12:43 > 0:12:44Not going to lie,
0:12:44 > 0:12:47it was a little bit embarrassing not being recognised
0:12:47 > 0:12:52but in the end, I managed to get some seats all to myself
0:12:52 > 0:12:53in the terminal.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56I got kicked off the plane for talking about Doctor Who too much.
0:12:57 > 0:13:01Can you move, please? These seats are taken.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04Sorry.
0:13:05 > 0:13:09Excuse me? Aren't you...
0:13:09 > 0:13:12- Yes.- ..going in the wrong direction?
0:13:12 > 0:13:16That's the celebrity exit, you've no place going that way.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20This way for you, come on.
0:13:20 > 0:13:23- OK, I'm going. Thank you. - Off you go.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29Next time,
0:13:29 > 0:13:32Herman successfully loads all the bags onto the plane.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39And Chris Johnson finally does get recognised.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41Are you Chris Johnson?
0:13:41 > 0:13:44Yes. Yes, I am, yes.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47Oh, if you'd like to follow me, sir,
0:13:47 > 0:13:51you're under arrest for loitering in a celebrity area of the airport.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53Come on.
0:13:53 > 0:13:56Just another day in the life of the Aeroport.
0:13:57 > 0:14:01Oh, I can't tell you how much fun I had making that.
0:14:01 > 0:14:02So I won't.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04Oh, we're back on! Welcome back, everyone.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07It's now time to hear some of your worthless views
0:14:07 > 0:14:11in the Opinion Parlour. Now go away and leave us in peace, will ya?
0:14:11 > 0:14:13Now, did I ever tell you about the time that
0:14:13 > 0:14:15I shrank Mo Slater's knick-knacks in the laundrette?
0:14:15 > 0:14:18- Really?- Oh, Dot Cotton was furious.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20This is the Opinion Parlour.
0:14:20 > 0:14:23Where your opinion matters very little.
0:14:23 > 0:14:27This week, we asked you which soaps you enjoy watching.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29Yeah, Anne from Eccles writes,
0:14:29 > 0:14:31"The soap I enjoy watching
0:14:31 > 0:14:34"is my bottle of antibacterial hand wash
0:14:34 > 0:14:37"because it's better than watching this Hacker Time rubbish."
0:14:37 > 0:14:38Fair point, Anne.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41Douglas from the Isle of Dogs e-mailed in to say,
0:14:41 > 0:14:43"I like Emmerdale,
0:14:43 > 0:14:46"not the programme, my neighbour, Emma Dale.
0:14:46 > 0:14:49"The trouble is she hates me."
0:14:49 > 0:14:52Yes, and we also asked you to send in pictures
0:14:52 > 0:14:55- of the most dramatic moment of your lives.- Yes.
0:14:55 > 0:14:58Anne from Eccles e-mails in again to say,
0:14:58 > 0:15:00"This is me reacting to the awful news
0:15:00 > 0:15:03"that Hacker Time was back for another series."
0:15:03 > 0:15:09And finally, we have a photo from Gillian in Barnsley who says,
0:15:09 > 0:15:14"This is me reacting to the news that my flash wasn't working."
0:15:14 > 0:15:18If you want to get in touch with us here at the Opinion Parlour,
0:15:18 > 0:15:21- simply call this number.- Three.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24Calls cost £750 million from a landline.
0:15:24 > 0:15:27And calls from a mobile phone in Venezuela
0:15:27 > 0:15:29will cost considerably more.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31Don't forget to ask permission from the Portuguese Government
0:15:31 > 0:15:34- before dialling.- Yeah. Bye!
0:15:35 > 0:15:38- What actually am I holding? - What a pair of mooeys.
0:15:38 > 0:15:42- I don't know why I pay them. - You don't pay us!- Oh, yeah.
0:15:42 > 0:15:46- Maisie, you're from a big family in EastEnders, aren't ya?- Very.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49Is it difficult to remember exactly who you're related to?
0:15:49 > 0:15:50I don't even know.
0:15:50 > 0:15:55Well, fear ye not, cocker, for I can help via the gift of music.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58Hit it.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03# Oh, Ricky is her father and Bianca's her mother
0:16:03 > 0:16:06# Morgan and Liam They're her brothers
0:16:06 > 0:16:08# Cousins, Rebecca and Amy Mitchell
0:16:08 > 0:16:10# Lauren and Abi Cousins once removed
0:16:10 > 0:16:12# There's Uncle Robbie and Auntie Sonia
0:16:12 > 0:16:14# Great Uncle Max, Great Uncle Jack
0:16:14 > 0:16:16# Great Auntie Tanya Great Auntie Kirsty
0:16:16 > 0:16:18# And Great Uncle Derek who's dead
0:16:18 > 0:16:20# David and Carol are Bianca's parents
0:16:20 > 0:16:22# Which makes them Tiffany's grandpa and nan
0:16:22 > 0:16:24# Her other grandparent was called Pat Butcher
0:16:24 > 0:16:26# She was once married to Ricky's old man
0:16:26 > 0:16:30# But her son was David Wickes which knocks this family tree for six
0:16:30 > 0:16:32# Cos it means she's the grandma and great gran but it doesn't matter
0:16:32 > 0:16:34# She's dead
0:16:34 > 0:16:36# She's also related to Roxy and Ronnie
0:16:36 > 0:16:38# And probably Mo, Kat and Alfie and Tommy
0:16:38 > 0:16:42# Everyone in the borough of Walford is Tiff's auntie or distant nephew
0:16:42 > 0:16:44# Cousins in Corrie Nieces in Holby
0:16:44 > 0:16:46# The village of Emmerdale is her future hubby
0:16:46 > 0:16:48# The whole of telly is in her family tree
0:16:48 > 0:16:52# That's unless they're brown bread - dead! #
0:16:52 > 0:16:54Is that any easier to remember, Uncle Maisie?
0:16:54 > 0:16:57- No, not really.- Oh, never mind.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59There's still plenty more confusing stuff to come,
0:16:59 > 0:17:02isn't that right, Grandma? I mean Larry!
0:17:02 > 0:17:03That's right, Hacker.
0:17:03 > 0:17:08Today's show will be more dramatic than Kat Slater's wardrobe.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11We've got Maisie's soap mum Bianca dropping in.
0:17:11 > 0:17:15I'm here for my weekly supply of oversized silver jackets.
0:17:15 > 0:17:19We put our best feet forward in the Quarter Past Four O'Clock Club.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22- And Maisie Smith has her chance to...- Get out!
0:17:22 > 0:17:24..in our end of the show quiz.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27That's all still to come on today's Hacker Time.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29If you're wondering, yes,
0:17:29 > 0:17:32Accordion George is a personal friend of mine, oh, yes.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35Accy G, I met him down by the river one day...
0:17:35 > 0:17:39Oh, this show is tat.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42Oh, I'd rather watch a good old soap.
0:17:42 > 0:17:43Ooh, like EastEnders.
0:17:43 > 0:17:47Oh, no, Lolly, those soaps are so unbelievable.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49All those big dramas they have.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52I mean, I live with my mother and our lives are very uneventful.
0:17:52 > 0:17:55- Oh, really?- Derek!
0:17:55 > 0:17:57Mother, what are you doing here?
0:17:57 > 0:18:00I just wanted to tell you, I'm leaving...
0:18:00 > 0:18:02THEY GASP
0:18:02 > 0:18:05..your dinner in the oven. It's chop and mash night tonight.
0:18:05 > 0:18:09Although, you might as well not bother coming home...
0:18:09 > 0:18:10THEY GASP
0:18:10 > 0:18:12..until you finished all your work,
0:18:12 > 0:18:15I know what a busy little bee you are.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18Oh, and one final thing, Derek,
0:18:18 > 0:18:20I've never loved ya...
0:18:20 > 0:18:22THEY GASP
0:18:22 > 0:18:25..more than I do at this very moment.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27What a strange woman.
0:18:27 > 0:18:30Oh, by the way, on a serious note,
0:18:30 > 0:18:34your bedroom's exploded, your Auntie Eileen's been abducted by aliens
0:18:34 > 0:18:37and your father thinks he's a potato. Bye.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39What was that, Mother? Mother, what was the end bit?
0:18:39 > 0:18:42The potato thing. Mother, Mother!
0:18:42 > 0:18:46And now, Hacker Time proudly presents everyone's favourite soap,
0:18:46 > 0:18:49it's The Cockneys.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52EASTENDERS THEME ON ACCORDION
0:19:01 > 0:19:04That'll be 43p for the tight leather jacket, please, Shirley.
0:19:04 > 0:19:09- There you go. Cheers, darling. - Thank you.- I love a bit of tat.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11- See you soon.- Bye.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14Badly made garments. Get your badly made garments.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16Three for a pound.
0:19:16 > 0:19:18I'll get a customer soon, surely.
0:19:18 > 0:19:21- Yeah?- No, I said surely, not Shirley.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24- Oh, my mistake. Bye, darling.- Bye.
0:19:24 > 0:19:29Oh, look, there's that Phil Mitchell. Hope he don't want no trouble.
0:19:29 > 0:19:32- All right? What's going on here? - I'm just looking after the stall.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34Do you want to buy anything?
0:19:34 > 0:19:39No. I'm just here to look out for you, ain't I? Cos we're family.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42- We ain't family.- Yes, we are.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45I'm your mother's father's uncle's sister's gibbon's cousin, ain't I?
0:19:45 > 0:19:47Oh, yeah. Forgot.
0:19:47 > 0:19:49Now, this chequered tablecloth,
0:19:49 > 0:19:54is it bothering you? Cos if it is, I swear I'll do time.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56No.
0:19:56 > 0:20:02This clothes rack, is it bothering you? If it is, I swear I'll do time.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04- No.- Oh.
0:20:04 > 0:20:06This entire sketch, is it bothering you?
0:20:06 > 0:20:11Cos if it is, I swear I'll do time.
0:20:11 > 0:20:15- Yeah, it is, as a matter of fact. - Yeah, me too. See you.
0:20:16 > 0:20:21- Never mind. It will all be over soon, surely.- Yeah?- Not you, Shirley.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24Oh, sorry.
0:20:24 > 0:20:28Oh, look. Here comes that Kat Slater. She always loves a good bargain.
0:20:28 > 0:20:31All right, girl, how much for this ill fitting, synthetic,
0:20:31 > 0:20:34- zebra-print blouse?- £12.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36I'm not happy with that. Let's barter.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38I'll give you 13 for it.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40You're meant to barter down, not up.
0:20:40 > 0:20:45- All right. 14. - No, but... Fine, then. 15.
0:20:45 > 0:20:47- 30.- 31.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49£425 million
0:20:49 > 0:20:51and that's my final offer.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54Done. And you have been.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56I like you, girl, cos you're family.
0:20:56 > 0:21:00- We ain't family.- Yes, we are.
0:21:00 > 0:21:03I'm your mother's father's uncle's sister's gibbon's cousin's
0:21:03 > 0:21:06son's mother, ain't I? Bye.
0:21:06 > 0:21:12- That's not right. Surely.- Yeah? - Get out.- Oh, sorry.
0:21:13 > 0:21:17- Ricky! Ricky! - Oh, no. It's my soap mum, Bianca.
0:21:17 > 0:21:20- Ricky!- Mum, what are you talking about? Ricky left years ago.
0:21:20 > 0:21:24I know. I was talking to my Ricky from Newsround doll.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26Anyway, right, treacle,
0:21:26 > 0:21:29I'm here for my weekly supply of oversized silver jackets.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31I'll take seven, please.
0:21:31 > 0:21:34Mum, I hate to tell you this, but those jackets,
0:21:34 > 0:21:38- they just don't suit you. - How can you say that to me?
0:21:38 > 0:21:43- I'm only telling you because you are my mother.- No, I'm not!
0:21:43 > 0:21:46EASTENDERS DRUMBEATS
0:21:46 > 0:21:50I am your mother's father's uncle's sister's gibbon.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52What? That's not right, surely.
0:21:52 > 0:21:54Yes?
0:21:54 > 0:21:56APPLAUSE
0:21:58 > 0:22:02By the way, I'm your mother.
0:22:02 > 0:22:04GASPS
0:22:05 > 0:22:08Actually, they're all wrong. I'm her mother.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11Well, now it's time for more life lessons through
0:22:11 > 0:22:13the medium of bad music.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15It's the Quarter Past 4 O'clock Club.
0:22:17 > 0:22:21And that's why the answer is pie.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25Josh, what's wrong?
0:22:25 > 0:22:29Everybody's always laughing at me because I'm different.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31THEY ALL LAUGH
0:22:31 > 0:22:35Josh, there's absolutely nothing wrong with being different.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37# Listen
0:22:37 > 0:22:39# People, they must say you're weird
0:22:39 > 0:22:40# Weird
0:22:40 > 0:22:43# People say that you're a freak
0:22:43 > 0:22:44# Freak
0:22:44 > 0:22:47# Being different is a talent
0:22:47 > 0:22:48# Talent
0:22:48 > 0:22:50# Being different is unique
0:22:50 > 0:22:52# Unique
0:22:52 > 0:22:54# So why not put on a wig Put on the dress
0:22:54 > 0:22:57# Put on the false eyelashes and wear that nose
0:22:57 > 0:23:00# Go without clothes Sport seven inch moustaches
0:23:00 > 0:23:05# Why not dress as a fox, knit your own socks, where those glasses
0:23:05 > 0:23:08# And hang out with seals Wear your mum's heels and dance
0:23:08 > 0:23:11# We're different, different
0:23:11 > 0:23:13# Yeah, yeah
0:23:13 > 0:23:15# We're different
0:23:15 > 0:23:18# D-d-d-d-d-d-different
0:23:18 > 0:23:20# Oh, yes
0:23:20 > 0:23:22# We're different
0:23:22 > 0:23:24# You're different too, cocker
0:23:24 > 0:23:27# Different, different, too. #
0:23:29 > 0:23:34Oh, thanks for the advice, cocker. Now, I'm proud to be different.
0:23:34 > 0:23:39Actually, Josh, you're not so different any more.
0:23:39 > 0:23:43My song was so successful, we've changed the school uniform.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46THEY ALL LAUGH
0:23:46 > 0:23:48Bum!
0:23:48 > 0:23:50ALARM BELL
0:23:50 > 0:23:53Now on Hacker Time, it's the exciting, nail-biting,
0:23:53 > 0:23:56awe-inspiring part of the show,
0:23:56 > 0:23:58where Hacker likes to say...
0:23:58 > 0:24:00Maisie Smith, get out!
0:24:04 > 0:24:07..is the name of this studio item. It's my big game show.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10- Are you excited, cocker? - Yeah.- Hurrah.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12You'll be fighting to go back up to the ground floor
0:24:12 > 0:24:14so you can return to your cockney friends.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17Get a question right and you go up level.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19Get one wrong and you go back down a level.
0:24:19 > 0:24:20When the time's up,
0:24:20 > 0:24:23you'll have either lit up all the buttons to leave or you'll
0:24:23 > 0:24:26end up in one of my other weird and wonderful floors,
0:24:26 > 0:24:29like Reginald Oblong's room of angry triangles.
0:24:29 > 0:24:32- I don't want to go there.- You have got until you hear this sound...
0:24:32 > 0:24:34"All right, treacle?"
0:24:34 > 0:24:37So in three, two, pancakes, go!
0:24:37 > 0:24:40First question, in EastEnders, who is Tiffany's mother's
0:24:40 > 0:24:44brother's sister's mother's oldest child's youngest daughter?
0:24:47 > 0:24:50Erm... Wellard?
0:24:50 > 0:24:53Good answer, cocker, but it's you. Tiffany, cocker.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56Next one. Which bright young pop sensation has been posing
0:24:56 > 0:25:00for an album cover with my popular sidekick, Harry Tongue?
0:25:00 > 0:25:02Is it A, Elyar Fox,
0:25:02 > 0:25:05B, Ollie Marland,
0:25:05 > 0:25:08or C, George from Union J?
0:25:08 > 0:25:11- C, George from Union J. - Oh, let's find out.
0:25:15 > 0:25:17In your dreams, Harry.
0:25:17 > 0:25:21Ain't correct. It was actually Elyar Fox.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24And Harry, stop hanging round with these pop stars.
0:25:25 > 0:25:28Which of these has never been a Walford business?
0:25:28 > 0:25:30Is it A, Beale's Place,
0:25:30 > 0:25:32B, Branning's Tanning,
0:25:32 > 0:25:34or C, Butcher's Joints?
0:25:36 > 0:25:38- B, Branning's Tannings.- Correct.
0:25:38 > 0:25:41Next question, which EastEnders character
0:25:41 > 0:25:44have we McGeed in this picture?
0:25:45 > 0:25:47Alfie Moon.
0:25:47 > 0:25:49Correctamundo!
0:25:49 > 0:25:52It was TV's Alfred Moon. Next question.
0:25:52 > 0:25:54Catch this!
0:25:54 > 0:25:56Very good, cocker.
0:25:56 > 0:25:58Next question. What's in Derek's lunchbox today?
0:25:58 > 0:25:59Here's a clue.
0:25:59 > 0:26:02A fishy East End treat that sounds like it's a sweet.
0:26:02 > 0:26:06You might want to wobble it before you go and gobble it.
0:26:06 > 0:26:07Jelly?
0:26:07 > 0:26:09Very close. Let's find out.
0:26:10 > 0:26:13It's a jellied eel.
0:26:13 > 0:26:17Oh, it's jellied eels but we'll give you that, cocker. We'll give it.
0:26:17 > 0:26:18Well done, cockle.
0:26:18 > 0:26:20All right, treacle.
0:26:20 > 0:26:24Hard luck. You only made it to floor -1, which means you're going
0:26:24 > 0:26:27to Carl the Sheep's celebrity toenail emporium.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29What do you think about that, cocker?
0:26:29 > 0:26:32- I don't want to go there. I hate feet.- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34Now, get out. Go on.
0:26:34 > 0:26:36Get in the lift.
0:26:36 > 0:26:39But, Maisie, before you go, do you have anything you'd like to say?
0:26:39 > 0:26:41Yeah, actually, I'd like...
0:26:41 > 0:26:43What a lovely Scottish lady.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45That's all for today.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48I'm off to listen to some dire folk music on Radio 2,
0:26:48 > 0:26:51but first it's time for me to do some dire music of my own.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53Join in, cockers.
0:26:57 > 0:26:59# That is it for now The end of the show
0:26:59 > 0:27:01# I need the lav So I'm going to go
0:27:01 > 0:27:04# I'll see you next time, on this show of mine
0:27:04 > 0:27:06# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time
0:27:06 > 0:27:09# It's been amazing We've been larking around
0:27:09 > 0:27:11# The whole programme cost just under a pound
0:27:11 > 0:27:13# Watch again next time cos we've got much more
0:27:13 > 0:27:16# There'll be tons of other funny stuff, it will be top drawer
0:27:16 > 0:27:20# Maisie Smith, that cockney gal dropped in from Albert Square
0:27:20 > 0:27:23# I played her family in a sketch designed to
0:27:23 > 0:27:26# Showcase my collection of ridiculous hair
0:27:26 > 0:27:28# That is it for now The end of the show
0:27:28 > 0:27:31# I need the lav And so I'm going to go
0:27:31 > 0:27:33# I'll see you next time on this show of mine
0:27:33 > 0:27:35# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time
0:27:35 > 0:27:38# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time
0:27:38 > 0:27:41# That is the end of today's Hacker Time. #
0:27:41 > 0:27:43Are these words bothering you because, if they are,
0:27:43 > 0:27:45I swear I'll do time!