0:00:02 > 0:00:05Hacker Time is NOT an actual time, do not set your alarm to it,
0:00:05 > 0:00:06it won't go off!
0:00:08 > 0:00:12Ooh! It's nearly here, people, the annual Hacker Time sports day!
0:00:12 > 0:00:16Herman, are you still OK to do the three-legged race?
0:00:16 > 0:00:18Yep! I'm ready!
0:00:18 > 0:00:19Urgh, urgh, urgh...
0:00:19 > 0:00:23I knew these would come in handy one day! Haha!
0:00:23 > 0:00:25- Ooh, oh! Ow! - CRASHING
0:00:25 > 0:00:29Very good. Lolly, you're for the sack...
0:00:29 > 0:00:31Oh! Oh! Huh?!
0:00:31 > 0:00:34No, I don't mean you're fired, I mean, you're doing the sack race!
0:00:34 > 0:00:37- Phew!- Wilfred, how are the preparations
0:00:37 > 0:00:39for the javelin coming along?
0:00:39 > 0:00:41Urgh, I just can't get the hang of it!
0:00:41 > 0:00:44Oh, dear, well we've got high hopes for the egg
0:00:44 > 0:00:47- and spoon race, haven't we, Hacker? - Don't be too sure!
0:00:47 > 0:00:51- The spoon left me! - THEY GASP
0:00:51 > 0:00:54- What happened?! - It ran away with the dish!
0:00:54 > 0:00:58We're going to get married! We're going to get married!
0:00:59 > 0:01:01I loved that spoon!
0:01:03 > 0:01:05You gonna watch this?
0:01:07 > 0:01:08You gotta watch this!
0:01:10 > 0:01:12You gotta watch this!
0:01:14 > 0:01:16- HE RAPS:- My, my, my, my programme hits you
0:01:16 > 0:01:17So hard
0:01:17 > 0:01:19Makes me say, "Oh, my word!"
0:01:19 > 0:01:20Thank you for watching me
0:01:20 > 0:01:22It's telly, but not what you normally see
0:01:22 > 0:01:24It feels good There's outtakes too
0:01:24 > 0:01:26Comedy, guests and clips, it's true
0:01:26 > 0:01:27So sit back - don't move too much
0:01:27 > 0:01:30This is the show - ah! - you can't touch.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33Hacker Time! Thank you!
0:01:34 > 0:01:37Stand-by, everyone, we're on air in five...
0:01:37 > 0:01:39four...
0:01:39 > 0:01:40three...
0:01:40 > 0:01:41two..
0:01:41 > 0:01:43- one... - Cue, Hacker!
0:01:45 > 0:01:48Y'all right, cockers! Today's show is all about sport.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51I love sport, me! Especially footie!
0:01:51 > 0:01:55- On me head, Herman!- Eh? Oh!
0:01:55 > 0:01:57- Ooh! - CRASHING
0:01:57 > 0:02:01Wa-hey! A hole-in-one! We're getting good at this!
0:02:01 > 0:02:04He's such a nincompoop!
0:02:04 > 0:02:08I know! Everyone knows a hole-in-one is a tennis move!
0:02:08 > 0:02:12Before we meet our very special sporting-themed guest,
0:02:12 > 0:02:14we need to go out and catch one.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17I hope they're not too sporty and run away! Ha-ha-ha!
0:02:20 > 0:02:23Hi, I'm Sally Nugent, I'm here for a meeting about BBC Breakfast.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25Sally Nugent? Right this way, follow me...
0:02:25 > 0:02:28- Isn't it normally that way?! - Get in the lift, love!
0:02:28 > 0:02:30I thought it was that way?
0:02:30 > 0:02:36KLAXON Help! Hello! Help me! Help!
0:02:37 > 0:02:39LIFT DINGS
0:02:39 > 0:02:42Ladies and gentlemen, it's Sally Nugent!
0:02:44 > 0:02:48Hiya, Sally! Come on in, cocker! You're on Hacker Time!
0:02:48 > 0:02:50Oh, no! I'm not doing THIS show!
0:02:50 > 0:02:53Sue Barker and Robbie Savage both told me you
0:02:53 > 0:02:56- NOTHING about football! - That's not true, I know loads!
0:02:56 > 0:02:59OK? Who won the Premier League last season?
0:02:59 > 0:03:03Erm... let's have a think... I know! It was a team?
0:03:03 > 0:03:06You've already proved you know loads more than that Gary Lineker.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09- Count me in! - Oh, Sally, I'm so pleased.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11We're going to have a great time together.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13If all goes well, after the show, I'll take
0:03:13 > 0:03:17you down to the Astroturfs for a quick game of swimming.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20Derek! The fact file, if you will!
0:03:20 > 0:03:22Righty-ho-ho!
0:03:23 > 0:03:26Sally Nugent is a BBC Breakfast presenter who brings us
0:03:26 > 0:03:28all the latest sporting news.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31She's proved such a natural on the red Breakfast sofa, often
0:03:31 > 0:03:35sitting upright on it and sometimes she'll lounge to the side.
0:03:35 > 0:03:39- Oh, that's casual!- Off-camera, the Breakfast team like to mess about.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42Here's Bill proving what an enormous head he's got. Ha!
0:03:42 > 0:03:45Her favourite sport is football. Here she is supporting
0:03:45 > 0:03:48a local team of ghosts! Ooooh...
0:03:48 > 0:03:50Which is nothing you need to know about Sally Nugent.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55You remind me of a young me, Sally!
0:03:55 > 0:03:57- SHE AND HERMAN CHAT QUIETLY - Sally!
0:03:57 > 0:03:59Urgh! I'm livid! Norman!
0:03:59 > 0:04:02I've always admired your career from afar, Herman,
0:04:02 > 0:04:04you'd make a great sports commentator!
0:04:04 > 0:04:07- You really think so?- You could be the next John Motson!
0:04:07 > 0:04:12Oh, Sally! Have I got a good voice for sports commentating?
0:04:12 > 0:04:15- Have I?- No.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17Yes, I have... Check this out...
0:04:17 > 0:04:19Ahem...
0:04:19 > 0:04:21Hacker one, Herman nil!
0:04:21 > 0:04:24Because you're fired, Herman! Now get out of my sight!
0:04:24 > 0:04:28- Bye, Sally! - Bye, Herman, I'll text you later!
0:04:28 > 0:04:30No, you won't!
0:04:30 > 0:04:34Sorry about him, Sally, he thinks there's a sport called rugby!
0:04:34 > 0:04:36What a fool!
0:04:36 > 0:04:38We're going to have a lovely time together,
0:04:38 > 0:04:41so it's time to dive headfirst into the menu.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43Larry, do the honours!
0:04:43 > 0:04:45Prepare to get into a cold sweat,
0:04:45 > 0:04:47because today's show will be
0:04:47 > 0:04:51a work-out for the mind, the body and the soul!
0:04:51 > 0:04:53Oh, and probably also the tear ducts.
0:04:53 > 0:04:54Coming up...
0:04:54 > 0:04:57Hacker gets stuck on the second letter of the alphabet.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00Bs. B, B, Bs.
0:05:00 > 0:05:01In Aeroport,
0:05:01 > 0:05:04the passengers react badly to the in-flight entertainment.
0:05:04 > 0:05:05ANGRY SHOUTING
0:05:05 > 0:05:09And guess who has written in to the Opinion Parlour again?
0:05:09 > 0:05:11Anne from Eccles says, she likes running...
0:05:11 > 0:05:14out of the living room when Hacker Time comes on!
0:05:14 > 0:05:16All of this and more on Hacker Time!
0:05:16 > 0:05:19I have to tell you, it's a right honour to have you here,
0:05:19 > 0:05:22- Sally Nugget.- It's Nugent. - That's what I said, cocker!
0:05:22 > 0:05:26It's now time to interview you in a manner that will be as informative
0:05:26 > 0:05:30and interesting as anything you get on BBC Breakfast! Ahem!
0:05:30 > 0:05:33Question one... What is sport?
0:05:33 > 0:05:36Sport? What is sport?
0:05:36 > 0:05:39Well, you know, think of your favourite sports like football,
0:05:39 > 0:05:43tennis, cricket? Those are all some of my favourite sports.
0:05:43 > 0:05:47- Hacker, are you listening to me? - I don't get it. Next question...
0:05:47 > 0:05:51As a sports presenter, you're sometimes joined by people
0:05:51 > 0:05:52that are quite nervous on camera,
0:05:52 > 0:05:55and really don't have a face for television.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58- How IS Bill Turnbull, by the way? - SHE GASPS
0:05:58 > 0:06:01Don't you speak about my lovely Bill like that!
0:06:01 > 0:06:04Good old Turny Bill Bull, as I call him!
0:06:06 > 0:06:08Uncle Bill looks after us all and he is really kind.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10And he's an expert on lots of things.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12Does he ever bring bees in for you to look at?
0:06:12 > 0:06:15- No, but he very often brings cake. - Bee cake!
0:06:15 > 0:06:17SHE LAUGHS
0:06:17 > 0:06:20Billy, Billy, Turny, Bully, Bill-Bill!
0:06:20 > 0:06:23And his muffins filled with bees!
0:06:25 > 0:06:28- No, Hacker, he brings chocolate cake!- Covered in bees?!
0:06:28 > 0:06:34The man is a bee magnet! Bees! Bee, bee, bee, bees!
0:06:34 > 0:06:37I suppose sometimes he does wear that white suit with the big,
0:06:37 > 0:06:38- funny hat.- Yes, he does.
0:06:38 > 0:06:43- And he sometimes brings in the odd wasp, just to spite you.- Oh, no!
0:06:43 > 0:06:45Seriously, though, have you been in a situation
0:06:45 > 0:06:47with a guest where you didn't know
0:06:47 > 0:06:50much about the subject and literally had no idea what to ask them?
0:06:50 > 0:06:52Well, that should never happen,
0:06:52 > 0:06:55because we have a wonderful team of people who stay up all night...
0:06:55 > 0:06:58'This is a mess... I've no idea what I'm saying...
0:06:58 > 0:07:01'And all I can think about is how much I need to widdle...
0:07:01 > 0:07:04- TRICKLING - 'Uh-oh. Widdling commencing!'
0:07:04 > 0:07:08Hacker, what are you doing? HE GROANS
0:07:08 > 0:07:11- Oh, I've really done it now... - Oh, I don't believe it!
0:07:11 > 0:07:14Sorry for widdling during an interview, Sally.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17It's a trick I learnt from Charlie Stayt.
0:07:17 > 0:07:22- Or as I call him, Chaz Right-State! Haha!- Stop it!
0:07:22 > 0:07:24He would never do that!
0:07:24 > 0:07:26Moving on. You're from a sporting family.
0:07:26 > 0:07:32I hear your mum was a tennis coach. Was she a 53-seater or a 24?!
0:07:32 > 0:07:34Did she have cup-holders in the back of her seat?
0:07:34 > 0:07:38- Hacker, you don't understand. - Did she have an on-board lavatory?
0:07:38 > 0:07:42- No, Hacker...- Did she have an upper deck? Next question.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45What's the worst interview you have ever done?
0:07:45 > 0:07:48- I think it's probably this one. - Very good.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50Mine was with this woman with dark hair
0:07:50 > 0:07:51who was a BBC Breakfast presenter.
0:07:51 > 0:07:54She kept harping on about her mother being some sort of vehicle,
0:07:54 > 0:07:57- or something.- What was her name? - Sally Nugget.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00- SHE LAUGHS It's Nugent.- Bless you.
0:08:00 > 0:08:03What I always find really inspiring is that a lot of sports
0:08:03 > 0:08:06presenters used to be professional sports people.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09Sue Barker, tennis player. Gabby Logan, gymnast.
0:08:09 > 0:08:13Sally Nugent, were you not good at anything, cocker?
0:08:13 > 0:08:15Oh, I was rubbish at most things.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18Well, Sally, you're not the only person at this desk
0:08:18 > 0:08:21who's been robbed of sporting greatness.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23I really hope I get picked for the team!
0:08:23 > 0:08:24McGee, you're in.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26Yes!
0:08:26 > 0:08:29- Pole with eyes and tache...you're in...- Oi!
0:08:29 > 0:08:32There's still one space left on the team!
0:08:32 > 0:08:34Changing room wall, you're in!
0:08:36 > 0:08:38Oh, come on!
0:08:38 > 0:08:42To be fair, the wall was awarded Man Of The Match.
0:08:42 > 0:08:46Next question... Lots of sports now use Hawk-eye technology.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48Would you consider using an osprey,
0:08:48 > 0:08:51because I know one that's a MASSIVE fan of tennis.
0:08:51 > 0:08:55- Osprey's a bird.- No, it's not birds, Hacker,
0:08:55 > 0:08:58it's like a computer, a really clever computer.
0:08:58 > 0:09:01Anyway, Sally, we've gone off on terrible tangent...
0:09:01 > 0:09:04or as you would say... a terrible Nugent...
0:09:04 > 0:09:07Ey? Ey?! Little... Nothing?
0:09:07 > 0:09:09- SHE SIGHS - Nothing for that.
0:09:09 > 0:09:10Let's move on from this horrible mess...
0:09:10 > 0:09:12Larry, what's up next?
0:09:12 > 0:09:15It's time to go to Wigan International for more
0:09:15 > 0:09:17tales from the Aeroport.
0:09:17 > 0:09:21Today, BRA Airlines is trying to save money and, to help them,
0:09:21 > 0:09:24I have cut down this introduction by half.
0:09:26 > 0:09:31Places to go, deadlines to keep and oversized luggage on tiny heads.
0:09:32 > 0:09:36It's all just another day in the life of The Aeroport.
0:09:39 > 0:09:43This is Wigan International Airport, where failing airline
0:09:43 > 0:09:47Best Regional Airways desperately needs to cut its costs.
0:09:47 > 0:09:53- Your seat is just over there, madam.- Are you sure?- Quite sure.
0:09:53 > 0:09:54HE SNIFFS
0:09:57 > 0:09:58ENGINE ROARS
0:10:00 > 0:10:03So, to save money, we've all got to make cuts.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06This morning, I got a paper cut!
0:10:06 > 0:10:08I've also had me toenails cut, and earlier,
0:10:08 > 0:10:11I cut Herman's sandwich into quarters! Whoo-hoo.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13Oh, yeah, look at that. Very nice.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16Well, they told me none of that stuff would count,
0:10:16 > 0:10:20- so I've had to sack Herman. Hoohoo! - You WHAT?!
0:10:20 > 0:10:22CLANG!
0:10:24 > 0:10:26In a bid to make more money out of passengers,
0:10:26 > 0:10:30the airline has introduced some subtle new charges.
0:10:30 > 0:10:34- Would you like an in-flight meal? - Yes.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38- Will you be planning to breathe? - Yes.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41- In AND out?- Yes.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44Yep, in that case, your extras will come to...
0:10:44 > 0:10:47HE TAPS ON KEYBOARD
0:10:47 > 0:10:503,574 quid.
0:10:52 > 0:10:55So, you're taking one suitcase for yourself, Mr Breadbin?
0:10:55 > 0:10:58And what about your wife? Has she got any baggage?
0:10:58 > 0:11:02She's been married 12 times, but apart from that, no.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05Unfortunately, the cost saving measures don't finish once
0:11:05 > 0:11:08- passengers have boarded the plane. - Come on, then, get in.
0:11:08 > 0:11:12- This is an absolute disgrace! Hey! - Where is your boarding pass?!
0:11:12 > 0:11:14Where is your pass?!
0:11:15 > 0:11:16IT BLEATS
0:11:18 > 0:11:23- He's got hooves for hands! - But so have you!
0:11:23 > 0:11:26- My mother was a horse. - HE WHINNIES
0:11:28 > 0:11:31To save fuel costs, we've been told we're only allowed to
0:11:31 > 0:11:34take half the luggage with us on this flight.
0:11:34 > 0:11:38So I've hired Herman back to cut every piece of luggage in half.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41Wouldn't it be easier to leave half the bags behind?
0:11:41 > 0:11:45Don't force me to fire you again, Herman. Now keep cutting!
0:11:48 > 0:11:52It seems that the airline's budget cuts are affecting everyone.
0:11:52 > 0:11:56Well, here's your lunch, Mrs Breadbin. Cold soup.
0:11:59 > 0:12:06- Urgh! Can't I have it in a bowl?! - They're extra!
0:12:06 > 0:12:09Ladies and gentlemen, I am pleased to announce that shortly
0:12:09 > 0:12:13- we will be turning on the in-flight entertainment.- Oh, very good, yes.
0:12:13 > 0:12:16Now, do you like hilarious, original, laugh-out-loud comedy?!
0:12:16 > 0:12:18ALL: Yes!
0:12:18 > 0:12:21Well, that's a shame, cos we couldn't afford any of that,
0:12:21 > 0:12:23so, here's an old episode of Hacker Time.
0:12:23 > 0:12:24THEY GROAN
0:12:24 > 0:12:26- THEY SHOUT ANGRILY - Get it off.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32HE VOMITS
0:12:32 > 0:12:34ANGRY SHOUTING
0:12:34 > 0:12:38Why would you do that? What's wrong with you? I was good in this.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40Next time, the flight still doesn't leave the runway
0:12:40 > 0:12:42and the engines are sold for scrap.
0:12:42 > 0:12:46Even though we never left Wigan, I had a lovely time.
0:12:46 > 0:12:47HE SNIFFS
0:12:47 > 0:12:50Plus, several passengers seek professional help after being
0:12:50 > 0:12:52forced to watch Hacker Time. THEY SOB
0:12:52 > 0:12:55I mean, all the time, it's all Hacker Time!
0:12:55 > 0:12:57HE SOBS AND SCREAMS
0:12:57 > 0:12:59OK.
0:12:59 > 0:13:02It's all just another day in the life of The Aeroport.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06Top-quality tat, that, even if I do say so meself.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09So, Sal... Can I call you Sal?
0:13:09 > 0:13:13- Yes, I like Sal, all of my friends call me Sal.- How about Simon?- No.
0:13:13 > 0:13:14Very well.
0:13:14 > 0:13:18On BBC Breakfast you sometimes have to read viewer's e-mails, don't you?
0:13:18 > 0:13:19Yeah, sometimes.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22If there's one thing I can't stand, it's people at home
0:13:22 > 0:13:26e-mailing in with their "opinions" like I'm meant to care!
0:13:26 > 0:13:29Coming up now, it's time to find out what you at home have been
0:13:29 > 0:13:32saying about the show, and I, for one, can't wait to hear it!
0:13:32 > 0:13:35Over to you, Wilf and Herman...
0:13:35 > 0:13:36Thanks, Hacker.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38This is the Opinion Parlour,
0:13:38 > 0:13:41the place where we look at your comments about the programme.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44In honour of sports reporter, Sally Nugent,
0:13:44 > 0:13:48we've been asking you about your favourite sports.
0:13:48 > 0:13:51Anne from Eccles says she likes running...
0:13:51 > 0:13:52Very good.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55..out of the living room when Hacker Time comes on.
0:13:55 > 0:13:56We've all done it.
0:13:56 > 0:14:00Joseph from Azerbaijan got a bogey in golf.
0:14:00 > 0:14:03He must be the green keeper! Get it?!
0:14:03 > 0:14:06Moving on, if you've ever been interested in getting
0:14:06 > 0:14:09your hands on some Hacker Time memorabilia,
0:14:09 > 0:14:13have a look at this exclusive talking Hacker Doll.
0:14:13 > 0:14:17It now says some of Hacker's most popular catchphrases!
0:14:17 > 0:14:19'All right, cockers...'
0:14:19 > 0:14:23If you'd like to get your hands on one of these exclusive dolls, send
0:14:23 > 0:14:28us a cheque for £17 million along with a stamped, addressed envelope.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31Ha-ha! That's it for today's Opinion Parlour.
0:14:31 > 0:14:33Thanks for all your opinions.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37'How much am I getting paid for this?'
0:14:37 > 0:14:40I still haven't been paid for that!
0:14:40 > 0:14:43Now, Sally, I've very much enjoyed having you here today,
0:14:43 > 0:14:47- are you having a nice time? - I'm loving it. It's a lot of fun.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49Well, I've always been a big fan of yours ever
0:14:49 > 0:14:53- since that wonderful day we met at Wimbledon.- Aw, yeah!
0:14:53 > 0:14:56- Look how happy we are.- We were happy back then, weren't we?- Yeah.
0:14:56 > 0:15:02Which is why I'd like to sing about the subject... Ahem!
0:15:02 > 0:15:03Hit it!
0:15:05 > 0:15:09WIMBLEDON MUSIC PLAYS
0:15:10 > 0:15:15# There's a woman, she talks sport But that don't bother me
0:15:17 > 0:15:23# She appears on Breakfast and wakes up at half past three
0:15:23 > 0:15:26# In my opinion she's got it all
0:15:26 > 0:15:30# Cos she gets to sit next to Bill Turnbull
0:15:30 > 0:15:36# Even though sport is a bore she leaves me wanting more!
0:15:36 > 0:15:39# Sally! Sally Nugent
0:15:39 > 0:15:43# Like John Motson but with better thighs
0:15:43 > 0:15:46# Sally! Sally Nugent
0:15:46 > 0:15:49# Please say that you'll be my wife
0:15:49 > 0:15:53# I'll let you drag me to watch footie
0:15:53 > 0:15:56# Pretend to listen when you talk rugby
0:15:57 > 0:16:00# Sally! Sally Nugent
0:16:00 > 0:16:03# Be my wife now, marry me! #
0:16:05 > 0:16:09So what do you think, Sally? Will you marry me?
0:16:09 > 0:16:14Hacker, I can't marry you, because I'm a human and you're a dog.
0:16:14 > 0:16:17You've embarrassed me terribly, Nugent!
0:16:17 > 0:16:21Larry, please do the menu whilst I exit gracefully...
0:16:21 > 0:16:23HE SOBS
0:16:27 > 0:16:32Stick around, folks, because the second-half line-up is a cracker!
0:16:32 > 0:16:36Still to come on today's Hacker Time!
0:16:36 > 0:16:39- Derek is worried he'll be a laughing stock.- Huh!
0:16:39 > 0:16:41I'll be a laughing stock!
0:16:41 > 0:16:44- Hacker gets his coat. - I'll get my coat.
0:16:44 > 0:16:46And in the Quarter Past Four O'Clock Club,
0:16:46 > 0:16:50Josh refuses to allow any sort of political power to go to his head.
0:16:50 > 0:16:54Never let any sort of political power go to your head!
0:16:54 > 0:16:57All still to come on Hacker Time!
0:16:57 > 0:17:00It's now time for my little poem about a little pigeon I know
0:17:00 > 0:17:02called Jemima.
0:17:02 > 0:17:03Oh, Jemima
0:17:03 > 0:17:05With your wings so vast...
0:17:05 > 0:17:10- That's enough of him for a bit. He DOES talk rubbish!- I know.
0:17:10 > 0:17:14Hey, Derek, I'm really excited about the sports day later.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17I've got new trainers especially for it!
0:17:17 > 0:17:20Oh, no! I've forgotten me sports kit!
0:17:20 > 0:17:25Oh, dear, that means you're going to have to wear something from...
0:17:25 > 0:17:28HE GASPS ..lost property!
0:17:28 > 0:17:30Oh, no, no, no, Lorraine!
0:17:30 > 0:17:35- Oh, yes, yes, yes... - I'll be a laughing stock!
0:17:35 > 0:17:38Derek! I brought your sports kit!
0:17:38 > 0:17:41An old pink vest and pants.
0:17:41 > 0:17:45Mother! You saved me from total embarrassment!
0:17:45 > 0:17:49Anything for my Dezzy Bear! Right, I'm off to get
0:17:49 > 0:17:54ready for the mothers' race! Hup-hup-hup-hup, away!
0:17:54 > 0:17:57She's got a REALLY embarrassing run, hasn't she?!
0:17:57 > 0:18:00I know! Good job I didn't inherit that gene!
0:18:00 > 0:18:01Mother! Wait for me!
0:18:01 > 0:18:04Hup-hup-hup, hey-hey! Hup-hup-hup, hey-hoo!
0:18:06 > 0:18:09Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for the most important
0:18:09 > 0:18:11event on any sports person's calendar.
0:18:11 > 0:18:15We're bringing you live coverage
0:18:15 > 0:18:19from the International World Global Federation Games Championships!
0:18:19 > 0:18:20Hello and welcome to
0:18:20 > 0:18:24The International World Global Federation Games Championships.
0:18:24 > 0:18:28It's the pinnacle of every sports person's career and in this
0:18:28 > 0:18:32programme we will have the best of all of today's action.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34First up, it's time to go poolside where we can go live to
0:18:34 > 0:18:37Hacker T Dog. Hacker!
0:18:37 > 0:18:40- Hello, Sally!- Hello, Hacker. Great Britain has high hopes
0:18:40 > 0:18:42for medals in the swimming events.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44What's happening there at the moment?
0:18:44 > 0:18:47There's a man with a hairy back applying lotion.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50A woman in an ill-fitting swim suit and something brown
0:18:50 > 0:18:53floating in the pool, which no-one seems that bothered about.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56That's a bit odd. Have any of the races started?
0:18:56 > 0:19:00Racing? There's no racing allowed here, cocker! Oh, no!
0:19:00 > 0:19:03- What about the diving? - Not here, no, it's forbidden.
0:19:03 > 0:19:04Hacker, where are you?
0:19:04 > 0:19:08I'm at a water park in Benidorm. I fancied a holiday.
0:19:08 > 0:19:12Hacker! You're meant to be reporting on The International World Global
0:19:12 > 0:19:16Federation Games Championship swimming! Get back here now!
0:19:16 > 0:19:18Fine, but I hope you realise this means I'll miss
0:19:18 > 0:19:21the Hawaiian barbecue! Can't believe it!
0:19:22 > 0:19:25How am I meant to work like this?
0:19:25 > 0:19:27Sorry, Sally. Just keep it going...
0:19:27 > 0:19:31Hacker's on his way to the next location. Cue, Sally.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33Plenty of sporting action still to come.
0:19:33 > 0:19:37We'll be joining Wilf at the dominoes tournament very soon.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39But first we can go back to Hacker now,
0:19:39 > 0:19:40who's live at the field events for us.
0:19:40 > 0:19:45- Hacker?- Hello, Sally, I'm here but no-one's turned up yet.
0:19:45 > 0:19:48No-one? It's a 12,000-seater stadium!
0:19:48 > 0:19:51Can you at least see the preparations for the field events?
0:19:51 > 0:19:53Javelin, hammer, discus?
0:19:53 > 0:19:56There's nothing to discuss with anyone, cocker. I'm all alone,
0:19:56 > 0:19:58I've made that perfectly clear.
0:19:58 > 0:20:02Hacker, you ARE at the International World Federation Games Championship
0:20:02 > 0:20:03field event stadium, aren't you?
0:20:03 > 0:20:08Ah. No, I'm in my local field in Wigan. Was that not right?
0:20:08 > 0:20:12- No!- I suppose I better get out of here, then.
0:20:12 > 0:20:15SHE SIGHS Herman, this is a total shambles.
0:20:15 > 0:20:19Keep going, Sally. The next bit's really simple. Look.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22Even Hacker couldn't mess it up.
0:20:22 > 0:20:25- Oh. That is true.- Cue, Sally.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28Now to go to something that no-one can possibly get wrong.
0:20:28 > 0:20:32Let's go to the cycling. Hacker, are you there?
0:20:32 > 0:20:36So, not recycling then? I'll get me coat!
0:20:36 > 0:20:39I don't know why I bother!
0:20:39 > 0:20:42All right, Sally, you wouldn't believe the day I've had.
0:20:42 > 0:20:44There was this terrible woman in studio that...
0:20:44 > 0:20:47Hacker, I'm fed up of this! I'm out of here!
0:20:47 > 0:20:49No, no, Sally! You can't go! Don't go!
0:20:49 > 0:20:51Did you not want to talk to our special guest?
0:20:51 > 0:20:54- I've booked Sir Steve Redgrave! - Knowing you,
0:20:54 > 0:20:56it's probably Sir Steve Red Gravy Boat or something!
0:20:56 > 0:20:58- But Sally... - I don't want to hear it, I'm off!
0:20:58 > 0:21:01No, Sally, no! Don't go! Sally!
0:21:01 > 0:21:02That's a shame...
0:21:02 > 0:21:05I don't know how Sir Steve is going to take this...
0:21:05 > 0:21:10- Steve?- Hello.- Sir Steve, Sally's gone. The interview's off.
0:21:10 > 0:21:13You're joking! I was really looking forward to that!
0:21:13 > 0:21:18- Never mind, maybe next time.- Yeah, next time.- See you, Hacker. Bye.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21Goodbye, Sir Steve, five-time Olympic gold medallist.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23What a lovely woman he is!
0:21:23 > 0:21:26That's it from The International... Global...something...
0:21:26 > 0:21:29What's it called again? Never mind... GOODBYE!
0:21:32 > 0:21:35Ladies and gentlemen, the sporting theme continues
0:21:35 > 0:21:38because it's time to be entertained by those good sports at
0:21:38 > 0:21:40the Quarter Past Four O'Clock Club!
0:21:40 > 0:21:43BELL RINGS
0:21:43 > 0:21:47Yes, vote for me, cockers. Off you pop! That's it.
0:21:47 > 0:21:51Vote for me, cockers, and you won't go far wrong.
0:21:51 > 0:21:53Josh? Why you dressed like that?!
0:21:53 > 0:21:55I'm running for a class president, cocker.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57Oh, you should hear my policies.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02# I promise frequent ice cream breaks
0:22:02 > 0:22:03# I'll dish out free pork pies and cakes
0:22:03 > 0:22:06# If you should vote for me
0:22:07 > 0:22:09# I pledge to outlaw school blazers
0:22:09 > 0:22:11# Arm you all with deadly lasers
0:22:11 > 0:22:14# If you should vote for me
0:22:14 > 0:22:17# I'll forbid science French and maths
0:22:17 > 0:22:19# Ban you all from taking baths
0:22:19 > 0:22:22# If you should vote for me
0:22:22 > 0:22:23# I'll make you all bow down to me
0:22:23 > 0:22:26# Oppress your lives Cause misery
0:22:26 > 0:22:30# If you should vote for me. #
0:22:30 > 0:22:32# Josh, please, stop it Don't be cruel
0:22:32 > 0:22:34# You're causing ructions round the school
0:22:34 > 0:22:36# You've been campaigning half an hour
0:22:36 > 0:22:38# Already you've gone mad with power
0:22:38 > 0:22:42# Be a lover, not a hater No-one likes the school dictator. #
0:22:42 > 0:22:44Aw, YEAH!
0:22:44 > 0:22:46# Nathan, you're totally right
0:22:46 > 0:22:47# I haven't been too bright
0:22:47 > 0:22:51# Please, do not vote for me. #
0:22:51 > 0:22:54So, have you learned your lesson, then,
0:22:54 > 0:22:57- to stop being a power-hungry tyrant? - Yes!
0:22:57 > 0:23:01- Never let any sort of political power go to your head.- Good.
0:23:01 > 0:23:06- Then back to class we go. - Guards, take this man away!
0:23:06 > 0:23:08What?! What the...?!
0:23:08 > 0:23:13- What IS the meaning of this?! Ahhh! - BELL RINGS
0:23:14 > 0:23:18And now, it's time for the exciting climax of today's show.
0:23:18 > 0:23:21It's the televised quiz with a difference,
0:23:21 > 0:23:23the difference being, it's terrible!
0:23:23 > 0:23:27It's time to hand over to the once popular Hacker T Dog.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29Sally Nugent...GET OUT...
0:23:33 > 0:23:34..is the name of the next bit of the show.
0:23:34 > 0:23:38It's me big game show! You see, I've had enough of you for one day,
0:23:38 > 0:23:41- so I'm going to get rid of you from my studio!- Charming!
0:23:41 > 0:23:44You'll be fighting to get back up to the ground floor
0:23:44 > 0:23:46so you can return to your normal life.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48Get a question right and you'll go up a level.
0:23:48 > 0:23:51Get one wrong, you go back down a level.
0:23:51 > 0:23:52When the time's up you'll either leave
0:23:52 > 0:23:55or end up on one of my other weird and wonderful floors.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57Like the one that's hosting
0:23:57 > 0:23:59Rex and Billy's Balloon Folding Workshop.
0:23:59 > 0:24:00What do you think about that, cocker?
0:24:00 > 0:24:04That sounds terrible, I've got to get out.
0:24:04 > 0:24:05You've got until you hear this sound...
0:24:05 > 0:24:07Fiddle-de-dee!
0:24:07 > 0:24:11So without further ado, in three, two, badminton, GO!
0:24:11 > 0:24:14Who came second in Sports Personality of the Year 2013?
0:24:14 > 0:24:18As a clue, his surname is no longer a legal unit of money.
0:24:18 > 0:24:21Sterling. Raheem Sterling. No, Pound...
0:24:21 > 0:24:24- Incorrect! It was Lee Halfpenny. Sorry about that!- Oh!
0:24:24 > 0:24:28What TV show has my sidekick, Harry Tongue, appeared on this week?
0:24:28 > 0:24:33Here he is. Match Of The Day, or Question Of Sport?
0:24:33 > 0:24:35- Match Of The Day. - Let's have a look!
0:24:35 > 0:24:38When you said we had the actual cup in the Match Of The Day studio,
0:24:38 > 0:24:41I didn't think you meant this bit of tat!
0:24:42 > 0:24:45- Sorry, Harry, you're relegated. - WHISTLE BLOWS
0:24:45 > 0:24:48Correct, well done, cockers!
0:24:48 > 0:24:53Which sporting commentator has been McGee'd in this picture?
0:24:55 > 0:24:56Tim Henman.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59Yes, it is. Tim Henman! Well done.
0:24:59 > 0:25:03Which is heavier - the World Cup, or the Champions League Trophy?
0:25:03 > 0:25:05The World Cup.
0:25:05 > 0:25:09Incorrect. The answer is the Champions League Trophy.
0:25:09 > 0:25:12Which sport was Wilf practising when he made this noise?
0:25:12 > 0:25:14SQUEAKING
0:25:14 > 0:25:16SPLASH
0:25:16 > 0:25:18That's going to rust.
0:25:18 > 0:25:23- Oh. Fly fishing?- No, sadly not. It was triathlon.
0:25:23 > 0:25:26- But he forgot to get off the bike before he went in the water.- Ah! OK.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28The next one is, catch this.
0:25:30 > 0:25:33- Hurray.- Caught it! - She caught the meat. Lovely.
0:25:33 > 0:25:37Sling it on the floor, get rid of it, lovely meat on the floor.
0:25:37 > 0:25:40The next one is this. Do the Mobot.
0:25:40 > 0:25:43Quickly, followed by the Lightning Bolt.
0:25:43 > 0:25:46- I can't remember the Lightning Bolt.- Incorrect!
0:25:46 > 0:25:49- No, nil-nil. Incorrect.- Too slow.
0:25:49 > 0:25:52Too late now, you can't get involved now.
0:25:52 > 0:25:56Which BBC Breakfast presenter's name is an anagram of...
0:25:59 > 0:26:01Say that again, please, Hacker.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06- Louise Minchin.- Correct!
0:26:07 > 0:26:09Which Olympic sport is also something that often
0:26:09 > 0:26:12- surrounds a garden?- Fencing?
0:26:12 > 0:26:13Correct!
0:26:13 > 0:26:15Fiddle-de-dee.
0:26:15 > 0:26:16Bad luck, Sally!
0:26:16 > 0:26:19You did really badly. But you have ended up on floor minus three,
0:26:19 > 0:26:22which means, you will be spending some time
0:26:22 > 0:26:25with Reginald Oblong's Room of Angry Triangles.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27You didn't help there, Harry, get away from me.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29What do you think about that?
0:26:29 > 0:26:31- That's terrible, that means I'm stuck here for ever.- I'm afraid so.
0:26:31 > 0:26:33Now, Sally, get out!
0:26:33 > 0:26:36Just tell my friends and family that I'm going to try and escape
0:26:36 > 0:26:38- if I possibly can. - Any last words before you go?
0:26:38 > 0:26:42- Hacker, you have got to try and get me...- Bye-bye!
0:26:42 > 0:26:45How delightful it was to have Susanna Reid on my show again.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48I've got to go now, it's almost time for the Hacker Time sports day,
0:26:49 > 0:26:52I want to see how the dish and spoon get on.
0:26:52 > 0:26:54I've just got time to sing us out, sing along,
0:26:54 > 0:26:57you must know the words by now, it's been four series!
0:27:02 > 0:27:04# That is it for now, the end of the show
0:27:04 > 0:27:07# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go
0:27:07 > 0:27:09# I'll see you next time on this show of mine
0:27:09 > 0:27:11# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time!
0:27:11 > 0:27:14# It's been amazing We've been larking around
0:27:14 > 0:27:16# The whole programme cost just under a pound
0:27:16 > 0:27:18# Watch again next time cos we've got much more
0:27:18 > 0:27:21# There'll be tonnes of other funny stuff, it will be top drawer
0:27:21 > 0:27:23# Sally Nugent joined me here
0:27:23 > 0:27:25# She really is the best
0:27:25 > 0:27:28# We hosted a little sporting show
0:27:28 > 0:27:31# But by the time my special guest showed up, Sally had already left...
0:27:31 > 0:27:32# That is it for now, the end of the show
0:27:32 > 0:27:35# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go
0:27:35 > 0:27:38# See you next time on this show of mine
0:27:38 > 0:27:41# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time!
0:27:41 > 0:27:43# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time!
0:27:43 > 0:27:46# That is the end of today's Hacker Time! #
0:27:46 > 0:27:48We're still getting married!