0:00:02 > 0:00:06Hacker Time is filmed in front of an indifferent wallaby, called Stephen.
0:00:06 > 0:00:09Right, everyone, it's time for breakfast.
0:00:09 > 0:00:11No, it's not thyme,
0:00:11 > 0:00:13it's parsley.
0:00:13 > 0:00:15It's a far better breakfast herb.
0:00:15 > 0:00:18HE SIGHS Is there anything in the fridge?
0:00:18 > 0:00:21- Hm, oh, yes, it's full...- Ooh.
0:00:21 > 0:00:23..of mould.
0:00:23 > 0:00:25I don't know why I exist.
0:00:26 > 0:00:28Oh, dear, what are we going to eat?!
0:00:29 > 0:00:32Well, I've got a box of cereal
0:00:32 > 0:00:34with a free gift inside.
0:00:34 > 0:00:35That sounds nice.
0:00:35 > 0:00:38However, the free gift's so big
0:00:38 > 0:00:40there's no room for any cereal.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43Oh, well. What's the free gift?
0:00:43 > 0:00:46A life-size picture of a bowl of cereal.
0:00:46 > 0:00:49Ah, it looks like we're going hungry today.
0:00:49 > 0:00:51Fear not, cockers!
0:00:51 > 0:00:53I've got loads of food.
0:00:53 > 0:00:56Trouble is, it's all in this misleading picture
0:00:56 > 0:00:58from inside of a box of cereal.
0:00:58 > 0:01:00SHE GASPS
0:01:03 > 0:01:05# You gotta watch this!
0:01:07 > 0:01:08# You gotta watch this!
0:01:10 > 0:01:12# You gotta watch this!
0:01:13 > 0:01:16- HE RAPS: - # My, my, my, my programme hits you
0:01:16 > 0:01:17# So hard, makes me say
0:01:17 > 0:01:19# "Oh, my word!"
0:01:19 > 0:01:20# Thank you for watching me
0:01:20 > 0:01:22# It's telly, but not what you normally see
0:01:22 > 0:01:24# It feels good, there's outtakes too
0:01:24 > 0:01:25# Comedy, guests and clips, it's true
0:01:25 > 0:01:27# So sit back - don't move too much
0:01:27 > 0:01:30# This is the show you can't touch. #
0:01:30 > 0:01:32- Stop!- Hacker Time!
0:01:32 > 0:01:34Thank you.
0:01:34 > 0:01:38Stand by, everyone. We're on air in five,
0:01:38 > 0:01:40four, three,
0:01:40 > 0:01:43two, one...
0:01:44 > 0:01:46Cue Larry.
0:01:46 > 0:01:47Ladies and gentlemen,
0:01:47 > 0:01:50he's the host with the most...
0:01:50 > 0:01:52disgusting face on television.
0:01:52 > 0:01:55It's Hacker T Dog!
0:01:55 > 0:01:58You all right, cockers? Welcome to the show.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00LOUD GRUMBLING
0:02:00 > 0:02:02Oooh...
0:02:03 > 0:02:05What's going on?!
0:02:05 > 0:02:09All of our stomachs must be rumbling, because we haven't had any breakfast.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13Oh, the humanity!
0:02:15 > 0:02:16Oh, me cranium!
0:02:17 > 0:02:20There's only one thing for it - we need a food expert, now!
0:02:20 > 0:02:23Don't worry, it's all been sorted.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27Erm, good afternoon, I'm Jay Rayner,
0:02:27 > 0:02:30the food critic, here to do the food programme.
0:02:30 > 0:02:34- Oh, yes, get in the booth.- In the booth?- I need a picture for your...
0:02:34 > 0:02:37- Do you know who I am?!- It's an intimate booth. Shut the curtains.
0:02:37 > 0:02:38- All right, all right.- Doors.
0:02:41 > 0:02:42Down.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44HE CHUCKLES
0:02:44 > 0:02:46HE SCREAMS
0:02:48 > 0:02:50HACKER HUMS
0:02:50 > 0:02:51Help, somebody!
0:02:51 > 0:02:54Please, welcome today's special guest,
0:02:54 > 0:02:57food critic Jay Rayner!
0:02:57 > 0:03:00HE YELPS
0:03:00 > 0:03:03- Welcome to Hacker Time, Jay Rayner. - Oh, no, no, I'm not doing this.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06- I am not doing this. - No, but you have to help us.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08All our stomachs are rumbling.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10What do you want from me? Meal ideas?
0:03:10 > 0:03:11No, no, I want you to repair the ceiling.
0:03:11 > 0:03:15It fell in because of all the rumbling. There's some plaster.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18- You wouldn't give one of these to Jamie Oliver, would you?- No.
0:03:18 > 0:03:19He specialises in patios.
0:03:19 > 0:03:23- HE CHUCKLES - Derek, the fact file, if you will.
0:03:23 > 0:03:24Coming up, my little owl.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29Jay Rayner is a famous restaurant critic.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31He loves food and he loves writing about it.
0:03:31 > 0:03:36He also loves using his glasses as a makeshift hair band, yes.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38He often appears on the popular TV show MasterChef
0:03:38 > 0:03:40as a scary food taster.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42Just look at him!
0:03:42 > 0:03:43He's terrifying!
0:03:43 > 0:03:46Mind you, he was a bit friendlier when he didn't have a beard.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48Look at that. There he is without...
0:03:48 > 0:03:50Oh, no! He's still scary!
0:03:50 > 0:03:52After he taped his facial hair back on,
0:03:52 > 0:03:54he was awarded Beard of the Year in 2011.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57Here he is boasting about it to his invisible chum.
0:03:57 > 0:04:02And that's all you'll ever need to know about Jay Rayner.
0:04:04 > 0:04:05Very impressive.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08Oh, no, not the fact file, the work you've done on the ceiling.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11- Can we just get on with the show? - Yes.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14Although I do need a dado rail fitting in the hallway.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16Oh, he's scaring me now!
0:04:16 > 0:04:18Larry, tell us what's coming up.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20HE WHIMPERS
0:04:20 > 0:04:23Today's Hacker Time contains so much food
0:04:23 > 0:04:26you'll be going to the toilet for days!
0:04:26 > 0:04:28Coming up:
0:04:28 > 0:04:31- For starters, we have our dish of the day.- Yeah.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34That's followed by a main course of sour grapes.
0:04:34 > 0:04:35THEY GASP
0:04:35 > 0:04:38And for pudding, we're going to get our just deserts.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41Yes, we're putting the me and you into menu.
0:04:41 > 0:04:44Get it? Menu, me... Oh.
0:04:46 > 0:04:47Looks good, doesn't it?
0:04:47 > 0:04:50Not the show, I'm talking about your excellent plasterwork again.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53I didn't really have much choice, did I? You made me.
0:04:53 > 0:04:54Yes, I did.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57Jay Rayner, are you ready for a fully researched
0:04:57 > 0:04:59interview about your life and ways?
0:04:59 > 0:05:02I am prepared for whatever you throw at me. Go on.
0:05:02 > 0:05:06Question one - why did you decide on the career as an odd-job man?
0:05:06 > 0:05:10I didn't. I am a food critic, and a very, very serious one.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12Well, that IS an odd job.
0:05:12 > 0:05:16Personally, I've never had much luck with food critics. Look...
0:05:16 > 0:05:18I'm a ribeye steak
0:05:18 > 0:05:21and I don't like your ceiling!
0:05:21 > 0:05:23Ooh, what a critical piece of food!
0:05:23 > 0:05:27Jay, what does a food critic actually do?
0:05:27 > 0:05:30I go out for dinner and I review the food,
0:05:30 > 0:05:32I write about it in a newspaper,
0:05:32 > 0:05:34and sometimes I review the food on MasterChef,
0:05:34 > 0:05:36and say whether it's any good or not.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38So you get paid to stuff your face every night?
0:05:38 > 0:05:41When are you going to settle down and get a proper job?!
0:05:41 > 0:05:44- I get paid to write about stuffing my face.- Ooh.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46What are the three elements of a good meal?
0:05:46 > 0:05:49The three elements are a really good starter,
0:05:49 > 0:05:52a really good main course and a brilliant dessert.
0:05:52 > 0:05:55I think you'll find the three elements are bread,
0:05:55 > 0:05:57meat paste, and slightly more bread.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59It's my trademark meat paste sandwich.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02Go on, have a little nibble and tell us what you think.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04Is it locally sourced meat paste?
0:06:04 > 0:06:06- No.- No? OK.
0:06:06 > 0:06:07Did you make this yourself?
0:06:07 > 0:06:09I had me people do it.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12Describe the taste.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15It's not what you'd call refined or elegant, is it?
0:06:15 > 0:06:16Oh, how dare you!
0:06:16 > 0:06:19- That was a vintage from 1815. - Yeah...
0:06:19 > 0:06:22Yes, I made it at quarter past six...
0:06:22 > 0:06:24in the year 1792.
0:06:24 > 0:06:25STOMACH GRUMBLES
0:06:25 > 0:06:27Jay, what makes a good restaurant?
0:06:27 > 0:06:29Well, I think it's a lot of things.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31You want to feel like you're having a good time,
0:06:31 > 0:06:33you want the waiters to avoid pouring soup down your lap.
0:06:33 > 0:06:37- Did you know that I once owned a restaurant?- Did you? What was it?
0:06:37 > 0:06:39Oh, it was fraught with strife.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41Waiter, waiter!
0:06:41 > 0:06:42Er, yes?
0:06:42 > 0:06:44Ah, waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46Oh, is it doing the backstroke?
0:06:46 > 0:06:50No, it's attached to this pair of trousers!
0:06:50 > 0:06:54It got worse when I served him the cheese and under crackers!
0:06:54 > 0:06:55- HE CHUCKLES - Do you get it?
0:06:55 > 0:06:58Yeah, no, I kind of...enough.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01At least my restaurant had an excellent ambience.
0:07:01 > 0:07:02Do you know what ambience means, Jay?
0:07:02 > 0:07:05Yeah, it means a bit of warmth, a bit of a welcoming atmosphere,
0:07:05 > 0:07:06unlike this place.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08No, it's an emergency service vehicle.
0:07:08 > 0:07:13We needed one with all that dreadful food we would serve.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15Now, Jay, you often appear on MasterChef.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17Have you ever tucked into an egg
0:07:17 > 0:07:20and realised you were accidentally eating Gregg Wallace?
0:07:20 > 0:07:22There have been moments when I've wondered.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25- LAUGHTER - Very funny that.- Yeah.
0:07:25 > 0:07:26Also on MasterChef,
0:07:26 > 0:07:29why are they always going on about people called Sue?
0:07:29 > 0:07:31- They don't.- They do!
0:07:31 > 0:07:32Sue Flay,
0:07:32 > 0:07:33Sue Chef,
0:07:33 > 0:07:35Sue Et Pudding!
0:07:35 > 0:07:37It's funny, cos they're not even people.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39How dare you!
0:07:39 > 0:07:41My name is Sue Et Pudding
0:07:41 > 0:07:44and for that I'm suing!
0:07:44 > 0:07:46Well, actually, I'm Sue Ing.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48Did somebody call?
0:07:48 > 0:07:50What a load of old tripe.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52I'll eat it later.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54- LAUGHTER - Now, you're always whingeing
0:07:54 > 0:07:57about other people's food, but are you a good cook?
0:07:57 > 0:07:59- Yeah, I can cook, I can cook. - Well, I'm not.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01I've always had trouble following a recipe.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03Oh, I need to get out of here,
0:08:03 > 0:08:05these jokes are terrible!
0:08:05 > 0:08:07- HACKER CHUCKLES - Now, Jay,
0:08:07 > 0:08:09what's your favourite course?
0:08:09 > 0:08:11My favourite course, I think it's dessert.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13No, you didn't let me finish.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15What's your favourite golf course?
0:08:15 > 0:08:17Gleneagles or Royal Birkdale?
0:08:17 > 0:08:20- Well, come on, which is your favourite?- I hate golf!
0:08:20 > 0:08:22Oh, stop harping on about golf, will you?
0:08:22 > 0:08:23This show is meant to be about food.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26- Of course, that's what I'm here for. - Next question.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28What's the perfect accompaniment for steak?
0:08:28 > 0:08:31It's a very refined sauce called a Bearnaise.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33Actually, it's Sue Et Pudding.
0:08:33 > 0:08:36She's an expert on the clarinet. Look!
0:08:36 > 0:08:38CLARINET BELLOWS
0:08:40 > 0:08:42I do not like your technique.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47Well, Jay, it's time to end the interview.
0:08:47 > 0:08:51I'm pleased to say we got through it without anything terrible happening.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54Oh, no! The ceiling's falling in again.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56What kind of odd-job man are you?!
0:08:56 > 0:08:57I am not an odd-job man!
0:08:57 > 0:09:01- I'm a food critic! - Oh, Larry, cut to something else.
0:09:01 > 0:09:02Put on your dancing shoes,
0:09:02 > 0:09:06because it's time for The Next Step...But One.
0:09:10 > 0:09:14Oh, guys, guys, we've got one day until the Sub Regional
0:09:14 > 0:09:17Inter-parish Divisional Quarterfinal Heats: Part Two.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20- THEY GASP - But there's a problem.
0:09:20 > 0:09:21- No team?- No costumes?
0:09:21 > 0:09:23No discernible talent?
0:09:23 > 0:09:25No, no, no, worse -
0:09:25 > 0:09:28we can't figure out how to abbreviate the Sub Regional
0:09:28 > 0:09:32Inter-parish Divisional Quarterfinal Heats: Part Two!
0:09:32 > 0:09:34THEY SCREAM
0:09:39 > 0:09:46# We'll show the world our moves
0:09:47 > 0:09:48# It's gonna
0:09:48 > 0:09:50# It's gonna
0:09:51 > 0:09:55# It's gonna be our chance
0:09:55 > 0:09:58# It's gonna be our chance
0:09:58 > 0:10:02# But none of us can dance
0:10:02 > 0:10:05# But none of us can dance. #
0:10:06 > 0:10:10So, we're currently in crisis over how to abbreviate
0:10:10 > 0:10:12the Sub Regional Inter-parish
0:10:12 > 0:10:14Divisional Quarterfinal Heats: Part Two,
0:10:14 > 0:10:18but I think I've got the solution.
0:10:18 > 0:10:19Why don't we shorten it to
0:10:19 > 0:10:23S-R-I-P-D-Q-F-H-P-T?
0:10:23 > 0:10:26- No, that's still too long.- OK.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29Let's just call it Sripdqfer-hpt.
0:10:29 > 0:10:30I beg your pardon?
0:10:30 > 0:10:32Sripdqfer-hpt...
0:10:32 > 0:10:34And the same to you!
0:10:36 > 0:10:39Emma-Lee, I'm so pumped about this contest!
0:10:39 > 0:10:43It's our once-in-a-lifetime chance to live out our dream!
0:10:43 > 0:10:45Oh, give it a rest, love.
0:10:45 > 0:10:49You sound like a TV talent show wannabe.
0:10:49 > 0:10:50Emma-Lee's wrong,
0:10:50 > 0:10:52I don't sound like a TV talent show wannabe.
0:10:52 > 0:10:55And this is really my last chance to prove that, not only to myself,
0:10:55 > 0:10:57but to my family, my friends
0:10:57 > 0:11:00and everyone who has believed in me along the way.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03And if I'm back here next week, I will give it 110%,
0:11:03 > 0:11:05so I make it to boot camp and judges' houses.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08Will.i.am, I won't let you down!
0:11:15 > 0:11:19We'll only win at the Sripdqfer-hpt if we all work together.
0:11:19 > 0:11:22That's why I'm giving the troupe a motivational talk.
0:11:22 > 0:11:26Remember, everyone, there's no "me" in the word "team".
0:11:26 > 0:11:27Yes, there is!
0:11:27 > 0:11:31If you rearrange the E and the M, it clearly spells "me".
0:11:31 > 0:11:34Erm, all right. How about this instead?
0:11:34 > 0:11:37There is no "I" in the word "contingent",
0:11:37 > 0:11:38which is another term for team.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41But there is an "I" in "contingent".
0:11:41 > 0:11:44And a "gent", which is what I am.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48THEY BOO
0:11:48 > 0:11:50Stop it! In that case, erm...
0:11:50 > 0:11:51Oh, erm,
0:11:51 > 0:11:54there's no "W" in the word "lamb".
0:11:54 > 0:11:55Lamb, Lamb, Lamb.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57That one doesn't even make sense.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00I panicked, all right! I panicked!
0:12:00 > 0:12:06To me, this whole process has been an emotional rollercoaster,
0:12:06 > 0:12:08and we all know what that's like.
0:12:08 > 0:12:09SOBBING
0:12:09 > 0:12:13Why do these TV talent show wannabes keep referring to me
0:12:13 > 0:12:14all the time?!
0:12:14 > 0:12:17I find it very distressing, you know.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19ROLLERCOASTER SOBS
0:12:21 > 0:12:23# Another one bites the dust. #
0:12:25 > 0:12:27'As our time on Z-Troupe comes to an end,
0:12:27 > 0:12:31'I'll never forget the memories we've shared in this dance studio.'
0:12:31 > 0:12:34Go, team!
0:12:36 > 0:12:39No, come back. Come back, everyone. It was a figure of speech.
0:12:39 > 0:12:41There was the time we worked on our tap.
0:12:41 > 0:12:42Very carefully,
0:12:42 > 0:12:46unscrew the body cover before moving on to the headgear nut.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50Then there was the time we did the twist.
0:12:50 > 0:12:51Twist...
0:12:52 > 0:12:55..the wrench in a clockwise direction,
0:12:55 > 0:12:58and your U-bend will never leak again.
0:12:58 > 0:13:02And then there was the time we actually did a routine.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05A routine radiator inspection, that is.
0:13:05 > 0:13:06Hey, wait a minute.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08All we're doing is plumbing.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10Why aren't we learning to dance?
0:13:10 > 0:13:13Dance? What are you talking about?
0:13:13 > 0:13:15This is a plumbing college, son.
0:13:15 > 0:13:19I wondered why you lot kept turning up in leotards.
0:13:25 > 0:13:26Well, this is it.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29We've finally made it to the Sub Regional Inter-parish
0:13:29 > 0:13:32Divisional Quarterfinal Heats:
0:13:32 > 0:13:34Part Two.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36Oh, I'm sorry, you're too late.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38This is the Sub Regional Inter-parish Divisional
0:13:38 > 0:13:40Quarterfinal Heats: Part Three.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42Oh, Sripdqfer-hpt!
0:13:42 > 0:13:44THEY GROAN
0:13:44 > 0:13:48I just want the world to know I've been on a really amazing journey.
0:13:48 > 0:13:51An amazing journey to Bournemouth, that is,
0:13:51 > 0:13:55where I'm currently servicing a combi-boiler.
0:13:55 > 0:13:56PHONE RINGS
0:13:56 > 0:13:59- Hello?- Hi, is this Emma-Lee?
0:13:59 > 0:14:01Yes, who's calling?
0:14:01 > 0:14:06- It's me, the real Emily. Why are you impersonating me, Hacker?- Hacker...
0:14:06 > 0:14:09Oh, I've never heard of him. No, but while you're on,
0:14:09 > 0:14:12would you ever consider being a guest on Hacker Time?
0:14:12 > 0:14:14Hacker Time? Never heard of it.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16Touche.
0:14:16 > 0:14:17Touche.
0:14:19 > 0:14:20SHE SIGHS
0:14:20 > 0:14:24That was D-U-L-L dull.
0:14:24 > 0:14:27- Mm-mm!- What are you drinking, Derek?
0:14:27 > 0:14:30Oh, it's just a spiced cabbage latte with extra foam
0:14:30 > 0:14:34- and a triple shot.- A what?! - It's a hug in a mug.
0:14:34 > 0:14:35I saw it in a YouBend vlog.
0:14:35 > 0:14:39It's the most delicious thing I've ever tried.
0:14:39 > 0:14:43Oh, it sounds gorgeous. Let's see the review.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46I'm so sorry that I've not vlogged for a couple of hours.
0:14:46 > 0:14:49I need to be vlogging more and I know that.
0:14:49 > 0:14:52By the way, if you want a tutorial on how to look a bit like me,
0:14:52 > 0:14:54just comment below.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56So, I know I mention this in every video,
0:14:56 > 0:15:00but the spiced cabbage latte is like a hug in a mug.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02No matter what sort of day you're having,
0:15:02 > 0:15:05the comforting warmth of it will just pick you up.
0:15:05 > 0:15:06Aah!
0:15:06 > 0:15:08Did I mention that this video
0:15:08 > 0:15:10is in no way sponsored by the spiced cabbage latte?
0:15:10 > 0:15:12DOORBELL RINGS
0:15:12 > 0:15:14Hey, where do you want this gigantic free delivery
0:15:14 > 0:15:17of spiced cabbage latte put in, mate?
0:15:17 > 0:15:18Oh, I just can't take it.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22Oh!
0:15:22 > 0:15:27Well, I have never in my life seen such an awful...ly genuine
0:15:27 > 0:15:29and not at all sponsored vlog.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32Oh, I just can't wait to have a cup of spiced cabbage latte.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34It's a taste sensation.
0:15:38 > 0:15:42Jay, here's a question. If I went into a restaurant and did this...
0:15:42 > 0:15:47bodgey-obity-obity-obity-obity,
0:15:47 > 0:15:50- what would happen? - They'd throw you out.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54- Oh. Really, are table manners that important?- Yeah.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56Yeah, they are important,
0:15:56 > 0:15:58actually cos it's about the other guests, isn't it?
0:15:58 > 0:16:00Well, I think table manners are a waste of time.
0:16:00 > 0:16:04And I shall demonstrate my position via the medium of sauge.
0:16:06 > 0:16:08SWING MUSIC PLAYS
0:16:11 > 0:16:15# When you sit down to a nice meal There are things you shouldn't do
0:16:15 > 0:16:19# Play with your food, get in a mood Say words like knickers, bum and poo
0:16:19 > 0:16:22# Be rude to your host Stick your head in a roast
0:16:22 > 0:16:25# Talk with a mouthful of cress Drink soup through a straw
0:16:25 > 0:16:26# Eat wheat off the floor
0:16:26 > 0:16:28# Dine while you're not fully dressed... #
0:16:28 > 0:16:29Oh, my privates!
0:16:29 > 0:16:32# The bourgeoisie are critical of slurping
0:16:33 > 0:16:35# I don't mind, I think it's fine
0:16:35 > 0:16:39# I'm too busy burping and it smells of cress!
0:16:39 > 0:16:42HE BURPS
0:16:42 > 0:16:43# And I'm not fully dressed
0:16:43 > 0:16:46# Yes, I'm sick of these fools and the pointless old rules
0:16:46 > 0:16:49# Why can't I talk while I chew? Or eat in the nude?
0:16:49 > 0:16:52# Be very crude? Saying words like knickers, bum and poo
0:16:52 > 0:16:54# So I'll take a hike I'll do what I like
0:16:54 > 0:16:57# And eat like an ape in the zoo
0:16:57 > 0:16:59# You're driving me mad and I've something to add...
0:16:59 > 0:17:00HE BURPS
0:17:01 > 0:17:05# Kickers, bum and poo. Cress! #
0:17:06 > 0:17:09What did you think of that? I want your full critical opinion.
0:17:09 > 0:17:13- I can never unhear that song. - How dare you be so rude?!
0:17:13 > 0:17:16Where are your manners? Were you brought up by wolves or something?
0:17:16 > 0:17:22Larry, do one of your coming up things. I am fur-i-ous.
0:17:22 > 0:17:23Certainly, Hacker.
0:17:23 > 0:17:28Well, we've plenty more courses of terrible comedy coming right up.
0:17:28 > 0:17:31We've got a plate full of bad taste.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33A side order of lumpy laughs.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37Topped off by a dollop of disgust.
0:17:37 > 0:17:38That's Hacker Time for you.
0:17:41 > 0:17:45I'm back, I'm back, I'm all right. Now, Jay, come here. Come here, Jay.
0:17:45 > 0:17:46- I'll tell you something, right. - Yeah.
0:17:46 > 0:17:49I found out what the secret ingredient is that makes meat paste
0:17:49 > 0:17:51- taste really good.- Oh, right, go on.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54- This has never been disclosed to the public before.- Tell me.
0:17:54 > 0:17:57So this could be a world exclusive. The secret ingredient is...
0:17:57 > 0:18:00- BELL RINGS - Oh! Dinner time.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06Whatever it is, I hope it's got mango chutney.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10Well, I didn't really want to know anyway.
0:18:15 > 0:18:20Now that Jay Rayner's here, we need to work on our presentation.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23Right ahead of you. I've been working on this presentation
0:18:23 > 0:18:25of our weekly sales figures.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28No! Our food presentation.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32- Quick, here comes a customer. - Oh, yes.
0:18:33 > 0:18:36- Hello, sir, what can I get you? - I'm not sure.
0:18:36 > 0:18:40- But it had better look good. - Don't worry,
0:18:40 > 0:18:44all our dishes are works of art.
0:18:44 > 0:18:46Like this. The Mona Pizza.
0:18:46 > 0:18:51Oh! The olives really follow you around the room, don't they?
0:18:51 > 0:18:57- But I prefer something slightly less enigmatic.- Well, how about this?
0:18:57 > 0:18:59The Eiffel Tower made completely out of chips.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01Oh, well, I couldn't eat all that.
0:19:01 > 0:19:07- Then how about chips made entirely out of the Eiffel Tower?- Oh, no.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09I think I'll have that plate of food.
0:19:09 > 0:19:14- I've never seen anything so beautifully presented.- Certainly.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16We got it free in a cereal packet.
0:19:16 > 0:19:19- Oh. Mm.- That was my lunch!
0:19:21 > 0:19:23I'll fire up the van.
0:19:23 > 0:19:24BELL RINGS
0:19:24 > 0:19:30And now Hacker Time proudly presents Mister Chef Junior.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36Well, you've got the balance of flavours right,
0:19:36 > 0:19:39- but there's a problem with the lamb. - What's wrong with it?
0:19:39 > 0:19:40It's eaten all the potatoes.
0:19:40 > 0:19:41Baa!
0:19:43 > 0:19:47- Could the next contestant please bring up their food.- Certainly.
0:19:47 > 0:19:49HE GAGS
0:19:49 > 0:19:52Not like that. Will you please bring it up to the counter.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55I'll try my best, cocker, but I've not got that good an aim.
0:19:55 > 0:19:56HE GAGS
0:19:56 > 0:19:59- I take it this means there's a problem with your dish?- Yes.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01Look, there is. I can only get three channels.
0:20:02 > 0:20:06- What about your starter? - It's just over there, look.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08On your marks, get set, go!
0:20:09 > 0:20:12Go on, you little recipe card, you can win this. Oh.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14Shall we move onto your main, what have you done?
0:20:14 > 0:20:17- Well, I've done rabbit three ways.- Really?
0:20:17 > 0:20:18Yeah, this way,
0:20:18 > 0:20:20that way
0:20:20 > 0:20:21and this way again.
0:20:21 > 0:20:23He got lost during that race.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25I told you the recipe card would win.
0:20:25 > 0:20:31- Have you made anything else?- Yes. I've done a finger buffet, look.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33It's wearing an onion ring.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35Now get out, go on.
0:20:35 > 0:20:39- Where's the vegetable? - Well, I've got a stuffed marrow.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41Oh, I'm full.
0:20:41 > 0:20:44I've just eaten that finger buffet.
0:20:44 > 0:20:45HE BURPS
0:20:45 > 0:20:48- It smells of hand wash. - Enough. Where's the dessert?
0:20:48 > 0:20:51I've made a meat paste tiramisu
0:20:51 > 0:20:54with a yeast extract coulis.
0:20:54 > 0:20:57'For dessert, Hacker's made a meat paste tiramisu
0:20:57 > 0:21:01'served with a yeast extract coulis.'
0:21:01 > 0:21:04You do understand that to progress in this competition,
0:21:04 > 0:21:06- this has to be perfect?- Yes.
0:21:06 > 0:21:10'Hacker understands that to progress in the competition,
0:21:10 > 0:21:12'this needs to be perfect.'
0:21:12 > 0:21:15It is time for me to have a taste.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17- 'It's time for Jay...' - Hang on, hang on!
0:21:17 > 0:21:20- Who are you?- Actually...
0:21:20 > 0:21:23- SPEAKS IN A HIGH PITCH VOICE: - I'm Susan Et Pudding from earlier
0:21:23 > 0:21:28in the programme and I'm moonlighting as a voiceover artist.
0:21:28 > 0:21:29Get out.
0:21:34 > 0:21:38- You know what?- What? - Hacker, this is really excellent.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40- It's taking me on a journey. - That's right.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42A journey to the nearest hospital.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45Those ingredients are 400 years out of date.
0:21:46 > 0:21:50Uh-oh. Somebody, call this man an ambulance.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52You're an ambulance.
0:21:52 > 0:21:56Good gag there. Seriously, though, he does need...medical assistance.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58Sue, do you know first aid?
0:21:58 > 0:22:00I know lemonade.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02Get ready to be madly disappointed,
0:22:02 > 0:22:05it's the Quarter Past Four O'Clock Club.
0:22:05 > 0:22:06BELL RINGS
0:22:08 > 0:22:09LAUGHTER
0:22:09 > 0:22:15- And then you said, "What fish?" You do crack me up, Nige.- Ha-ha-ha,
0:22:15 > 0:22:18- what's this?- Do you mind, Josh?
0:22:18 > 0:22:21I'm having a conversation with the new kid, Nige. Yeah.
0:22:21 > 0:22:22As I was saying,
0:22:22 > 0:22:26you keep up level of banter like that, you'll go far.
0:22:26 > 0:22:28# I used to be the teacher's pet
0:22:28 > 0:22:30# I tried so hard How could he forget?
0:22:30 > 0:22:32# Brought him an apple every day
0:22:32 > 0:22:35# He'll have no more Braeburns from me, no way! #
0:22:35 > 0:22:37# Nige, you're so great
0:22:37 > 0:22:39# As for the apples, thanks for the crate
0:22:39 > 0:22:41# By the way, your coursework, it was blazing
0:22:41 > 0:22:44# That pie you baked me? Hashtag - amazing!
0:22:44 > 0:22:46# He's filth, he makes me wince
0:22:46 > 0:22:48# The guy's a leech, treating Dex like a prince
0:22:48 > 0:22:50# Nige, these sandwiches, they're so great
0:22:50 > 0:22:53# I'm giving them a big fat eight out of eight
0:22:53 > 0:22:54# The perfect ratio of egg to ham
0:22:54 > 0:22:57# And you cut the crusts off, you da man
0:22:57 > 0:22:59# Just look at him, his smug little face
0:22:59 > 0:23:02# I can't watch, he's taken my place
0:23:02 > 0:23:04- # Oh, teacher's pet - Whoa-a
0:23:04 > 0:23:06# You're the best student I've ever had
0:23:06 > 0:23:08- # Oh, teacher's pet - Whoa-a
0:23:08 > 0:23:10# A pleasure to teach, a lovely lad
0:23:10 > 0:23:13- # Oh, teacher's pet - Whoa-a
0:23:13 > 0:23:15# That essay on ethics, megalols!
0:23:15 > 0:23:18- # Oh, teacher's pet - Whoa-a
0:23:18 > 0:23:19# I'll really miss you in the summer hols!
0:23:19 > 0:23:22# Pet. #
0:23:22 > 0:23:24HE SOBS
0:23:26 > 0:23:33- Who has put salt in my tea?- It was Nige. It was Nige. Nigel did it.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35Thanks for telling me, Josh.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38You've always been my real favourite teacher's pet.
0:23:38 > 0:23:42Nigel, I'm very disappointed in you. Get to the headmaster's office now.
0:23:42 > 0:23:43Ohh!
0:23:45 > 0:23:47He-he-he!
0:23:47 > 0:23:48BELL RINGS
0:23:49 > 0:23:53Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for the most ground-breaking,
0:23:53 > 0:23:58extraordinary quiz you've ever seen. It's the item we like to call...
0:23:58 > 0:24:01Sit On The Lav-Lav And Answer Some Questions.
0:24:01 > 0:24:02DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS
0:24:04 > 0:24:05TOILET FLUSHES
0:24:07 > 0:24:10Jay, the rules of this game are bog-standard.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12All you have to do is...
0:24:12 > 0:24:14DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS
0:24:15 > 0:24:16TOILET FLUSHES
0:24:19 > 0:24:21..sit on the lav-lav, and answer some questions.
0:24:21 > 0:24:26- How does it feel being sat upon my throne?- It feels very warm.
0:24:26 > 0:24:29It should be. The time will end when you hear this sound.
0:24:29 > 0:24:30SHE PLAYS
0:24:32 > 0:24:34I do not like your answers.
0:24:34 > 0:24:37- Are you ready?- Just about.
0:24:37 > 0:24:41In that case, start the clock. In Italy, antipasti is?
0:24:42 > 0:24:45It's the stuff you eat before the pasta.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47No. She's Uncle Pasti's wife.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49I don't know why they both have the same name.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51Now, here is Herman.
0:24:51 > 0:24:54He has disguised this foodstuff as a famous TV cook.
0:24:54 > 0:25:00- But who's that fruit to you? - Is that Delia Smith?
0:25:00 > 0:25:02No, it's Hairy Berry.
0:25:03 > 0:25:07Get out, Herman. How do you make a sausage roll?
0:25:07 > 0:25:10Well, you get pastry and sausage meat and you...
0:25:10 > 0:25:13- No, you push it down a hill.- OK.
0:25:13 > 0:25:14How do you make a casserole?
0:25:14 > 0:25:16You push it down a hill.
0:25:16 > 0:25:19'Jay has answered, "You push it down a hill,"
0:25:19 > 0:25:21'but has he done enough to convince the host that those
0:25:21 > 0:25:26'are the correct ingredients to turn this into a ridiculous joke?'
0:25:26 > 0:25:31No, you start by browning your onions and add salt to taste.
0:25:31 > 0:25:34- What cheese do you use to hide a horse?- Mascarpone!
0:25:34 > 0:25:37No, a really big old pile of Cheddar.
0:25:38 > 0:25:42- What's this dish called? - That's fish and chips.
0:25:42 > 0:25:43No, the dish is called Simon.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47Cucumbers, discuss.
0:25:47 > 0:25:51- Green, great if you peel them properly.- Incorrect.
0:25:51 > 0:25:54Complete this sentence, "There's no place like..."
0:25:54 > 0:25:56- Home.- No, it's there's no plaice like haddock.
0:25:56 > 0:25:58- They're two different types of fish. - Fair enough.
0:25:58 > 0:26:01- MUSIC PLAYS - I do not like your answers.
0:26:01 > 0:26:03Time's up.
0:26:03 > 0:26:06- That means you've won tonight's star prize.- Which is?
0:26:06 > 0:26:09'A sour-glazed slice of home-made handcrafted gristle
0:26:09 > 0:26:12'braised on a confit of nothing and served on a bed
0:26:12 > 0:26:17'of badly dried tomato awfulness drizzled with leftover... Oh.'
0:26:17 > 0:26:21- What do you think about that, cocker?- I couldn't be more proud.
0:26:21 > 0:26:25Hurrah. And it's your lucky day because you've also won a holiday.
0:26:25 > 0:26:28- Where, where am I going?- A trip to the sewers beneath the studio.
0:26:28 > 0:26:31It's a foodie's paradise, cocker. Any last words before you go?
0:26:31 > 0:26:35Well, actually, yeah, there are a few things...
0:26:35 > 0:26:38- JAY BANGS ON DOOR - Herman, flush him away.
0:26:38 > 0:26:40Argh, I'm going down the lav!
0:26:42 > 0:26:45What a lovely odd-job man. I wonder who she was.
0:26:45 > 0:26:47I'm off now to bleed my radiators, cockers.
0:26:47 > 0:26:52But first I shall annoy you all with my horrific song. Join in or else.
0:26:57 > 0:27:00# That is it for now, the end of the show
0:27:00 > 0:27:02# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go
0:27:02 > 0:27:05# I'll see you next time on this show of mine
0:27:05 > 0:27:07# Put it in your diary, it's called Hacker Time
0:27:07 > 0:27:09# It's been amazing, we've been larking around
0:27:09 > 0:27:12# The whole programme cost just under a pound
0:27:12 > 0:27:14# Watch again next time cos we've got much more
0:27:14 > 0:27:16# There'll be tonnes of other funny stuff
0:27:16 > 0:27:17# It'll be top drawer
0:27:17 > 0:27:21# Jay Rayner, the food critic, came in to fix my ceiling issue
0:27:21 > 0:27:25# He judged my food on Mister Chef But he ended up in hospital
0:27:25 > 0:27:26# Because he ate my tiramisu
0:27:26 > 0:27:29# That is it for now, the end of the show
0:27:29 > 0:27:31# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go
0:27:31 > 0:27:33# I'll see you next time on this show of mine
0:27:33 > 0:27:36# Put it in your diary, it's called Hacker Time
0:27:36 > 0:27:38# Put it in your diary, it's called Hacker Time
0:27:38 > 0:27:41# That is the end of today's Hacker Time! #
0:27:41 > 0:27:43I'm free at last!