0:00:02 > 0:00:05Hacker Time is not filmed in front of a live studio audience.
0:00:07 > 0:00:09Oh, Hacker. You're lively this morning.
0:00:09 > 0:00:11Are your worms playing you up again?
0:00:11 > 0:00:15How dare you, Derek! I do not have worms!
0:00:15 > 0:00:19- If you must know, I'm expecting a very important delivery.- Oh!
0:00:19 > 0:00:24- Is it another mildly amusing household poster?- No.
0:00:24 > 0:00:25That came yesterday.
0:00:25 > 0:00:27LAUGHTER
0:00:27 > 0:00:29That will never not be funny!
0:00:30 > 0:00:33So what are you waiting for?
0:00:33 > 0:00:34My worm tablets!
0:00:34 > 0:00:37Oh, they really are playing up again.
0:00:37 > 0:00:39HACKER WHIMPERS DOORBELL RINGS
0:00:39 > 0:00:41Ooh, that'll be t'postman.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45I can't open it. It's jammed.
0:00:45 > 0:00:47Oh, well, let me try.
0:00:47 > 0:00:49DEREK GRUNTS
0:00:50 > 0:00:54It's no use. I can't do it either.
0:00:54 > 0:00:59I know! Why don't we try opening it from the other side?
0:00:59 > 0:01:01Ooh, brilliant idea! Come on.
0:01:03 > 0:01:05FOOTSTEPS PATTER
0:01:06 > 0:01:08BANGS ON DOOR
0:01:08 > 0:01:11No, it's jammed from this side too.
0:01:11 > 0:01:12We'd better go back in, then.
0:01:13 > 0:01:15Come on, Derek. Get inside.
0:01:15 > 0:01:18And you, Mr Postman.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20Oh, and shut the door, will you?
0:01:20 > 0:01:22Oh, yeah, shut the door.
0:01:24 > 0:01:26DEREK GRUNTS
0:01:26 > 0:01:29This is all very odd. I still can't open the door,
0:01:29 > 0:01:33there's no-one outside and now, there's strange man in the house.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35Keep calm and run the titles.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42# You gotta watch this
0:01:44 > 0:01:45# You gotta watch this
0:01:47 > 0:01:48# You gotta watch this
0:01:50 > 0:01:54# My, my, my, my programme hits you so hard
0:01:54 > 0:01:55# Makes me say, "Oh, my word!"
0:01:55 > 0:01:57# Thank you for watching me
0:01:57 > 0:01:59# It's telly, but not what you normally see
0:01:59 > 0:02:01# It feels good, there's outtakes too
0:02:01 > 0:02:03# Comedy, guests and clips, it's true
0:02:03 > 0:02:05# So sit back - don't move too much
0:02:05 > 0:02:07# This is the show - ah! - You can't touch
0:02:07 > 0:02:09# Stop! Hacker Time. #
0:02:09 > 0:02:11Thank you.
0:02:11 > 0:02:15Standby, everyone. We're on-air in five...
0:02:15 > 0:02:16four,
0:02:16 > 0:02:18three... COUGH
0:02:18 > 0:02:19..two,
0:02:19 > 0:02:21one...
0:02:21 > 0:02:23- Cue Larry! - DRUM ROLL
0:02:23 > 0:02:25Ladies and gentlemen, he's the host with the most...
0:02:25 > 0:02:28disgusting odour in the world -
0:02:28 > 0:02:31it's Hacker D Dog!
0:02:31 > 0:02:32You all right, cockers?
0:02:32 > 0:02:35Today's show is all about space,
0:02:35 > 0:02:37starting with the space in here.
0:02:37 > 0:02:41I'm thinking terracotta walls and maybe a breakfast bar in the corner.
0:02:41 > 0:02:44The show isn't about that sort of space, Hacker.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46It's about outer space.
0:02:46 > 0:02:47But I'm not outer space.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49There is room for a chaise lounge in here.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51Oh, he's still not getting it!
0:02:51 > 0:02:54If only we had a space scientist to explain the concept to him.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56Don't worry, it's being sorted.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00Eh. It's a good night for it, innit? Good day for it...
0:03:00 > 0:03:04Hello, my name is Maggie Aderin-Pocock and I'm here to film
0:03:04 > 0:03:07an important, really serious documentary all about space.
0:03:07 > 0:03:08Oh, step this way, please.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11Yes, we need to do a photograph for your ID pass.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13- A photograph? Oh, OK... - Get in the booth.
0:03:13 > 0:03:16Come on now, shut those curtains. Shut those curtains now!
0:03:16 > 0:03:18- OK, Thank you, thank you. - Shut the doors, perfick.
0:03:18 > 0:03:19ELEVATOR PINGS
0:03:19 > 0:03:20Ah...
0:03:20 > 0:03:22- BUZZ - Down!
0:03:22 > 0:03:23HE CHUCKLES
0:03:23 > 0:03:25- ALARM BLARES - Ooh!
0:03:25 > 0:03:27SHE SCREAMS
0:03:28 > 0:03:31- Come on... - HACKER WHISTLES
0:03:31 > 0:03:32Let me out!
0:03:32 > 0:03:35Please welcome...from Stargazing and The Sky At Night,
0:03:35 > 0:03:38it's Maggie Aderin-Pocock!
0:03:39 > 0:03:42Wahey, look who it is! By jingo!
0:03:42 > 0:03:47Maggie, you all right, cocker? Welcome to Hacker Time!
0:03:47 > 0:03:50- Hacker Time?- Yes.- I thought... This is meant to be The Sky At Night.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52- Oh, no.- I've got to go. I must've come to the wrong studio.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55No, no, no. You can't go, Maggie. Please don't go, stay!
0:03:55 > 0:03:57Stay with me for I've got some fantastic,
0:03:57 > 0:04:00intelligent questions about space to ask you.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02- About space?- Space, yeah. - Oh, great. Yeah, lovely.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05- You love that, don't you?- I do. - Here's the first question.
0:04:05 > 0:04:09Do you think I should move that desk to make room for a coal effect fire?
0:04:09 > 0:04:13Oh, he's getting the universe mixed up with interior design again.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16Don't worry, Maggie's fact file will explain everything. Hmm...
0:04:16 > 0:04:18BEEP
0:04:18 > 0:04:21Maggie Aderin-Pocock is a space scientist
0:04:21 > 0:04:23who likes hanging around by rock formations.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25With her out-of-this-world knowledge,
0:04:25 > 0:04:27she presents stargazing programmes
0:04:27 > 0:04:30The Sky At Night and Stargazing Live.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33In her spare time, she likes to play the popular and well-known game,
0:04:33 > 0:04:36Hold The Satsuma Above A Colander.
0:04:36 > 0:04:37When she's not doing that,
0:04:37 > 0:04:40she likes to sit in her spaceship-themed living quarters.
0:04:40 > 0:04:44And that is all you need to know about Maggie Aderin-Pocock.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47Very interesting, cocker.
0:04:47 > 0:04:51But I still don't understand what space is - mainly because of this -
0:04:51 > 0:04:53the massive space between me ears,
0:04:53 > 0:04:56which I also don't understand.
0:04:56 > 0:04:57HACKER LAUGHS
0:04:57 > 0:04:59- Do you like it?- Is that your brain?
0:04:59 > 0:05:01Yeah, do you want to touch it?
0:05:01 > 0:05:03I think that explains a lot.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05It explains more than you'll ever know, me old cocker.
0:05:05 > 0:05:09But nil ye fret, we've loads more space for jokes like that.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11Larry, tell us what's coming up -
0:05:11 > 0:05:14even though I won't understand a word of it.
0:05:14 > 0:05:15Mwah!
0:05:15 > 0:05:20Get ready, because you're about to enter a wormhole...of comedy.
0:05:22 > 0:05:25Coming up - Maggie's ride home is out of this world...
0:05:25 > 0:05:26Ta-da!
0:05:26 > 0:05:28Super-sleuth Miss Marbles has trouble with wind...
0:05:28 > 0:05:29Thwrrp!
0:05:29 > 0:05:32..instruments and the catering crew are dishing up trouble.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35Don't look so shocked, guys - your food's terrible!
0:05:37 > 0:05:39Right, Margaret.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41Are you ready to answer a series of important,
0:05:41 > 0:05:44- highbrow questions all about the universe?- I am.
0:05:44 > 0:05:48Question one, can you explain the general theory of relativity...
0:05:48 > 0:05:51- Einstein came up with this idea... - I didn't finish the question!
0:05:51 > 0:05:53I'm so sorry!
0:05:53 > 0:05:57Can you explain the general theory of relativity in less than one word?
0:05:57 > 0:05:58- Yes.- Oh, wrong!
0:05:58 > 0:06:00I said, "In less than one word"!
0:06:00 > 0:06:02And you call yourself a scientist?
0:06:02 > 0:06:05You are rubbish, Margaret.
0:06:05 > 0:06:09It's a proven scientific fact that the moon is made out of cheese,
0:06:09 > 0:06:11but what cheese is it made from?
0:06:11 > 0:06:14I hate to tell you, but the moon isn't made out of cheese. It's...
0:06:14 > 0:06:17Is the moon is made of Red Leicester?
0:06:17 > 0:06:21- No.- Is the moon made of Gouda?
0:06:21 > 0:06:26- No.- Is the moon made of a supermarket's own-brand low-fat
0:06:26 > 0:06:28cheddar-flavoured slices?
0:06:28 > 0:06:29This could take a long time,
0:06:29 > 0:06:31if we're going to go through all the cheeses!
0:06:31 > 0:06:33- Margaret?- Yes?
0:06:33 > 0:06:35What's a parallel universe?
0:06:35 > 0:06:38Ooh, a parallel universe is a really interesting concept,
0:06:38 > 0:06:40because we think we've got our own universe,
0:06:40 > 0:06:41but for every decision you make,
0:06:41 > 0:06:43we could actually have a parallel universe...
0:06:43 > 0:06:46Are you saying there could be a version of Hacker Time out there
0:06:46 > 0:06:49- that's the exact opposite of this one?- Definitely.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52- HACKER SQUEALS - I wonder what that would look like?
0:06:52 > 0:06:56Maggie, is the cheese made of moon?
0:06:56 > 0:07:00I don't know, but I really am enjoying this whole experience.
0:07:00 > 0:07:04Wow! It really is the exact opposite.
0:07:04 > 0:07:05Moving on -
0:07:05 > 0:07:08is time travel possible?
0:07:08 > 0:07:11Theoretically, we can predict it's possible, through the mathematics.
0:07:11 > 0:07:14But actually, looking at it, it causes all sorts of paradoxes,
0:07:14 > 0:07:15so we think it probably isn't.
0:07:15 > 0:07:19Well, I've actually proved that THYME travel is possible. Look!
0:07:19 > 0:07:22- # Da-dah-dah-dah-dah! #- Oh, dear. - TOOT TOOT
0:07:22 > 0:07:25It's a sprig of thyme, travelling on a train.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28It's much more effective than that parsley monorail I built last year.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31That's not quite what I was expecting.
0:07:31 > 0:07:35I know it wasn't, Margaret. That's the beauty of this show.
0:07:35 > 0:07:39Actually, that sprig of thyme did travel back in time.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41It brought back this bunch of rosemary
0:07:41 > 0:07:42from the early Jurassic period.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44Have a sniff - sniff my thyme!
0:07:44 > 0:07:46Harry, leave that rosemary alone!
0:07:46 > 0:07:49I'm having it in a wheel of Camembert later -
0:07:49 > 0:07:51or as I like to call it - the moon.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53MAGGIE LAUGHS
0:07:53 > 0:07:56- Next question, Margaret.- OK.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58What is the sun?
0:07:58 > 0:08:00Now, that's a very interesting question,
0:08:00 > 0:08:01because the sun is actually a star,
0:08:01 > 0:08:04like we see all the other stars in the night sky.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06I had a feeling the sun was a star, yeah.
0:08:06 > 0:08:10She certainly behaved like one when I worked with her.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12Ugh. This latte is cold.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15- Well, you heat it up. You're the sun.- Oh...
0:08:17 > 0:08:19Ah, the sun. I never WARMED to her.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21SUDDEN DRUMBEAT
0:08:21 > 0:08:24LAUGHTER
0:08:24 > 0:08:26- It wasn't that funny.- I know.
0:08:26 > 0:08:30I was still laughing at this poster from earlier on in the episode.
0:08:30 > 0:08:31Look at it.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33HE CHUCKLES
0:08:33 > 0:08:36I've got some questions about the planets. Ahem.
0:08:36 > 0:08:39Why has Jupiter got a big red spot?
0:08:39 > 0:08:41Did he forget to exfoliate?
0:08:42 > 0:08:45The red spot on Jupiter is a huge weather system
0:08:45 > 0:08:46and it's quite interesting,
0:08:46 > 0:08:49cos you could fit the whole of planet Earth into that red spot.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51Funny that, cos I thought you just said it was interesting.
0:08:51 > 0:08:55Right, I've got another question. Why has Saturn got a ring?
0:08:55 > 0:08:57Did she get married to Neptune?
0:08:59 > 0:09:00Married to Neptune...
0:09:00 > 0:09:02The rings of Saturn are quite fascinating,
0:09:02 > 0:09:05cos they're made out of lumps of ice about the size of my fist.
0:09:05 > 0:09:06Why is Mars bright red?
0:09:06 > 0:09:10Is it angry because Saturn rejected his marriage proposal?
0:09:10 > 0:09:11Was he livid?
0:09:12 > 0:09:13Um...
0:09:13 > 0:09:17Mars is red because it's made of iron oxide, which is rust, and so...
0:09:17 > 0:09:19You're looking bored again!
0:09:22 > 0:09:25- Hacker, this is great stuff!- It is good stuff, this.- It is, it is!
0:09:25 > 0:09:28Moving on, Margaret, onto something slightly less boring
0:09:28 > 0:09:30than what you've just been going on about...
0:09:30 > 0:09:33You astronomers are always harping on about the naked eye, aren't you?
0:09:33 > 0:09:36- We are.- But what is the naked eye?
0:09:36 > 0:09:39Well, imagine you don't have a telescope,
0:09:39 > 0:09:42you don't have any binoculars. It's just your eyes.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44That means my eyes are naked right now?!
0:09:44 > 0:09:47Oh, the shame! Look away, Margaret!
0:09:47 > 0:09:51- It's OK!- Look away while I dress my beady optical receptors.
0:09:52 > 0:09:53Hacker?
0:09:53 > 0:09:56Much better, but I'll have to end the interview here,
0:09:56 > 0:09:57cos we've run out of THYME.
0:09:57 > 0:10:01However, we do have a busload of chives.
0:10:01 > 0:10:04That'll go lovely with my moon and crackers.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06Larry, cut to something else, wherever you are.
0:10:06 > 0:10:07DRUM ROLL
0:10:07 > 0:10:09Get your magnifying glasses at the ready -
0:10:09 > 0:10:12it's time for the Ms Marbles Mysteries.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19Hello. Who's this? I don't know who that is.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27HE WHISTLES CHEERILY
0:10:29 > 0:10:31How do?
0:10:31 > 0:10:33You all right, yeah? Aggh!
0:10:33 > 0:10:35CRASH
0:10:50 > 0:10:54Oh, Ms Marbles - you've barely touched your corn, so you haven't.
0:10:54 > 0:10:56Whatever's wrong?
0:10:56 > 0:10:58Oh, Constable Haywain -
0:10:58 > 0:11:01there's a mystery I just can't solve.
0:11:01 > 0:11:05DRAMATIC INCIDENTAL MUSIC PLAYS
0:11:05 > 0:11:09I need to find out who keeps playing that dreadful incidental music.
0:11:09 > 0:11:13- Can't say I've noticed. - Oh, it's plaguing my life.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16Every time I say something funny, I hear the cymbals...
0:11:16 > 0:11:18- Bottom! - CYMBALS CRASH
0:11:18 > 0:11:22..every time I do something sad, I hear a violin...
0:11:22 > 0:11:24Aggh!
0:11:24 > 0:11:25VIOLIN PLAYS DIRGE
0:11:25 > 0:11:26MS MARBLES SOBS
0:11:26 > 0:11:29I fell on my bottom!
0:11:29 > 0:11:33..and every time I eat cabbage, I hear a trumpet.
0:11:33 > 0:11:34Thwrrp!
0:11:34 > 0:11:35That wasn't a trumpet.
0:11:35 > 0:11:39I know. It was my bottom!
0:11:39 > 0:11:43DESCENDING NOTES PLAY
0:11:43 > 0:11:45And so was that.
0:11:45 > 0:11:46It's not pleasant.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54Where could this phantom musician be hiding, so to speak?
0:11:54 > 0:11:57- DRAMATIC MUSIC - Aha! I think I found the culprit.
0:11:57 > 0:12:01Reverend Derek McGee, where did you get that cello?
0:12:01 > 0:12:03No, this isn't a cello.
0:12:03 > 0:12:06It's my lunchbox. Ho-ho!
0:12:06 > 0:12:09Oh, mother always cuts my sandwiches into cello shapes.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12GUITAR THRUMS
0:12:12 > 0:12:15But did I hear a guitar inside the chemist's?
0:12:15 > 0:12:17DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS
0:12:20 > 0:12:22'Ere, where's your guitar?
0:12:22 > 0:12:25That wasn't a guitar, it was CATARRH.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27The whole village has got it.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29CHEMIST HAWKS
0:12:30 > 0:12:32NASALLY:
0:12:32 > 0:12:34DRUMBEATS
0:12:34 > 0:12:36NASALLY:
0:12:37 > 0:12:39NASALLY:
0:12:44 > 0:12:49That wasn't a drum, it was my shop display falling over.
0:12:49 > 0:12:52But while you're here, you could help me pick up this cornet...
0:12:52 > 0:12:54TRUMPET BLARES
0:12:54 > 0:12:57..this ice cream cornet.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00- Oh, and this tuba... - CONSTABLE GASPS
0:13:00 > 0:13:02This TUBA toothpaste.
0:13:03 > 0:13:07Finally, I'm going to need assistance with this ukelele...
0:13:09 > 0:13:12..this tin of Ukelele brand corned beef.
0:13:13 > 0:13:14That's not even a thing.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16It is. Look.
0:13:19 > 0:13:23Agh! It looks like this is one mystery I'll never solve.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS
0:13:26 > 0:13:30That music... Ms Marbles, it's coming from your pocket, so it is.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32Ugh. You're not going to believe this.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34It was my ringtone all along.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36Thwrrp!
0:13:36 > 0:13:37And that was my bottom...
0:13:37 > 0:13:39DESCENDING NOTES PLAY
0:13:39 > 0:13:41..but that wasn't.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43No. That was mine.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47Why do you even have a mobile phone, Ms Marbles?
0:13:47 > 0:13:49They haven't even been invented yet.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52Oh, don't ask me. I don't write this rubbish.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54That's quite enough of that.
0:13:54 > 0:13:56BLEATING
0:13:56 > 0:13:58What in a month of Sundays was that?
0:13:58 > 0:14:02Oh, Derek, it's so funny, have you seen it?
0:14:02 > 0:14:05It's a video of a screaming goat.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08- It's going viral on YouBend, have a watch.- Oh, yes.
0:14:08 > 0:14:12GOAT BLEATS
0:14:15 > 0:14:20Will you stop all that screaming, I'm trying to graze here.
0:14:23 > 0:14:27- Argh!- That's not how you do it, it's more like "baa-aa-aa!"
0:14:27 > 0:14:32Derek, I wasn't doing an impression, I was actually screaming.
0:14:32 > 0:14:39- But why are you actually screaming? - I'm screaming because, look. Argh!
0:14:39 > 0:14:43Oh, I've forgotten to put my trousers on...again.
0:14:43 > 0:14:47What am I like?! Ooh-hoo!
0:14:47 > 0:14:49Maggie, there's something I don't understand.
0:14:49 > 0:14:54Why did Pluto used to be a planet, but now it's not a planet?
0:14:54 > 0:14:56Don't be upset, Hacker, Pluto's still there.
0:14:56 > 0:14:59The thing is, Pluto is really small, it's actually smaller than
0:14:59 > 0:15:03our moon and because it's so small, we now call it a dwarf planet.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05But it's still there.
0:15:05 > 0:15:08Don't you feel sorry for Pluto? It must feel so left out
0:15:08 > 0:15:11and I bet all the other planets laugh at it.
0:15:11 > 0:15:14Oh, no, I'm sure that's not true.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16Right, there's only one way to solve this,
0:15:16 > 0:15:22I must show my solidarity for Pluto by the medium of song.
0:15:22 > 0:15:23Hit it!
0:15:27 > 0:15:31# Saturn is too gassy and Mercury's too hot
0:15:31 > 0:15:34# Mars is far too red just like Jupiter's big spot
0:15:34 > 0:15:37# Neptune and Uranus are both easily forgot
0:15:37 > 0:15:40# Earth is really boring I've already seen the lot
0:15:40 > 0:15:43# There is a tiny planet where I would like to reside
0:15:43 > 0:15:47# It has an atmosphere made of carbon monoxide
0:15:47 > 0:15:50# An axial tilt that makes it rotate on its side
0:15:50 > 0:15:53# I love it oh so much I want to take it for my bride
0:15:53 > 0:15:56# It's Pluto. #
0:15:56 > 0:15:59Three, two, one, blast off.
0:15:59 > 0:16:02# I really want to live there it would be so much fun
0:16:02 > 0:16:05# It's the tenth most massive body that is orbiting the sun
0:16:05 > 0:16:08# On its nitrogen ice surface I'd frolic and run
0:16:08 > 0:16:12# I'd be so very happy I'd even bring my mum
0:16:12 > 0:16:17# But unfortunately
0:16:17 > 0:16:23# They don't have TV so I'd be
0:16:23 > 0:16:26# Out of a job
0:16:27 > 0:16:30# Job, job
0:16:30 > 0:16:31# Job
0:16:31 > 0:16:37# Gainful employment
0:16:37 > 0:16:38# Skint. #
0:16:40 > 0:16:42So there you have it. What a disgraceful non-planet it is.
0:16:42 > 0:16:46Look at it there bobbing about. Useless, dirty little Pluto.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48Never liked it. Never trusted the way it moves, Margaret.
0:16:48 > 0:16:52- But I don't understand - your beautiful song.- Never mind the song.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55Just another one of my trademark whimsical U-turns there.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58Larry, tell us what's coming up before I change my mind.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00Carry on, you.
0:17:00 > 0:17:05Certainly, Hacker. This show is so big, it's got its own orbit.
0:17:06 > 0:17:11Coming up - we've got login lols at Flemsbury High,
0:17:11 > 0:17:17there's cosmic capers on another planet and flushed with success,
0:17:17 > 0:17:20Maggie takes to the throne in the quiz finale.
0:17:22 > 0:17:26Margaret, I've got a question about the universe to ask -
0:17:26 > 0:17:29something that every person on Earth wants to know,
0:17:29 > 0:17:34something that could help us understand the meaning of life.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36- My question is... - BELL RINGS
0:17:36 > 0:17:38Ooh, lunch.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43Yummy.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45Hello?
0:17:47 > 0:17:50Like I say, that will never not be funny.
0:17:50 > 0:17:54- Wilfred, this is no laughing matter. - You're telling me.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56I don't know how this show got a fifth series.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59I'm not talking about the show.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01We're expecting a visit from...
0:18:02 > 0:18:04- ..the health inspector.- Oh!
0:18:07 > 0:18:10We need to make sure everything is hygienic
0:18:10 > 0:18:12and we don't have much time.
0:18:12 > 0:18:16Don't worry, here's some now. Thyme.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18Now, I need to have a look around.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22Has this pork chop been there all day?
0:18:22 > 0:18:24Yes, but the flies don't seem to mind.
0:18:25 > 0:18:31- Is that pea soup at the correct temperature?- What pea soup? At-choo!
0:18:31 > 0:18:34Oh, Wilf, why aren't you wearing a hairnet?
0:18:34 > 0:18:37I lost it, but don't fret...
0:18:38 > 0:18:39Argh!
0:18:39 > 0:18:43I'll use this instead, I was dredging the canal with it earlier.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45INSPECTOR CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:18:45 > 0:18:48Mr Inspector, what can I get you?
0:18:48 > 0:18:53Well, that pork chop looks rancid, the soup is clearly snot
0:18:53 > 0:18:56and are those fish guts hanging out of your hairnet?
0:18:56 > 0:19:00- I don't want to talk about that. - So, what's your verdict?
0:19:00 > 0:19:04Well, your food is an absolute health hazard,
0:19:04 > 0:19:06I should close you down immediately.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08Oh.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11However, this keep calm poster is the most hilarious thing
0:19:11 > 0:19:14I think I've ever seen.
0:19:14 > 0:19:18- I'm giving you ten out of ten. - Hooray!
0:19:18 > 0:19:23- Well done, love.- Now, can I have some of that delicious-looking soup?
0:19:23 > 0:19:28Of course. I'll fire up my nose. At-choo!
0:19:30 > 0:19:32Oh.
0:19:33 > 0:19:38And now Hacker Time proudly presents, Star Bores.
0:19:55 > 0:20:00It's day one of our mission to Mars. Hacker, bring me the captain's log.
0:20:00 > 0:20:01Will do.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06- No, I mean the other type of log. - Oh, all right.
0:20:06 > 0:20:09Thwrrp! Thwrrp! Thwrrp!
0:20:09 > 0:20:14- That stinks.- Yeah, it is a tad fruity, I'll let a bit of air in.
0:20:14 > 0:20:18No, Hacker, don't open that door. There's a terrible vacuum out there.
0:20:18 > 0:20:22You're telling me. He's angry because he's got to clean up my log!
0:20:23 > 0:20:25- Yes.- I don't understand it.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28We should be experiencing zero gravity right now.
0:20:28 > 0:20:31We are, this zero's lost all sense of gravity.
0:20:31 > 0:20:35Let's hope my number two doesn't float up... Oh, it is, look.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37And so is me log.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41Enough. Let's turn on the video screen.
0:20:43 > 0:20:47This is ground control with a very important message...
0:20:47 > 0:20:50HE BREAKS UP
0:20:50 > 0:20:53We can't understand what you're saying.
0:20:53 > 0:20:56Oh, don't worry, I'll pop round.
0:20:56 > 0:21:00Ooh. The important message is...
0:21:00 > 0:21:03HE BREAKS UP
0:21:03 > 0:21:05Bye.
0:21:05 > 0:21:09Oh no, the computer says we will experience a meteor shower
0:21:09 > 0:21:11- at any moment.- I already am.
0:21:11 > 0:21:15We must be in a hard water area, look at all the meteors.
0:21:15 > 0:21:19Stop mucking around, I think there's a serious problem with this rocket.
0:21:19 > 0:21:23There is...it could do with more French dressing.
0:21:23 > 0:21:26Be serious. The atmosphere in here is running low.
0:21:26 > 0:21:29Never you fret, Margaret, I'll fix that immediately.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31# Oh, what an atmosphere
0:21:31 > 0:21:35# I love a party with a happy atmosphere... #
0:21:35 > 0:21:38- Stop the music.- All right, get out, stop the music, stop the fun.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41- Hacker, we're never going to get to Mars now.- Yes, we are.
0:21:41 > 0:21:49- In fact, we're already there. Look. - Hello, son.- My ma's. Hello, Ma.
0:21:49 > 0:21:53- Do you get it?- I thought we were going to the planet Mars.
0:21:53 > 0:21:57Don't be daft. Why would we be visiting my mum on the planet Mars.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00Everyone knows she lives on Venus.
0:22:00 > 0:22:05LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:22:05 > 0:22:09And now, it's the moment you haven't been waiting for,
0:22:09 > 0:22:11it's the Quarter Past Four O'Clock Club.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13BELL RINGS
0:22:15 > 0:22:19- Hey, Josh, how's your download going? - I did one just after lunch.
0:22:19 > 0:22:20That meat and potato pie wreaked havoc...
0:22:20 > 0:22:24- No, Josh, I meant the computer. - Oh, terrible.
0:22:26 > 0:22:27- RAPS:- I cannot work The computer's crashed
0:22:27 > 0:22:29The picture's frozen The screen is smashed
0:22:29 > 0:22:32Maybe it's a virus Maybe it's a worm
0:22:32 > 0:22:34Call IT, me hard drive's got a germ.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36Josh, my friend, all hope's not gone
0:22:36 > 0:22:38Have you tried switching off And switching it back on?
0:22:38 > 0:22:40Better still, hit Ctrl-Alt-Delete
0:22:40 > 0:22:43Re-enter your password It'll be sweet
0:22:43 > 0:22:46# This technology It's distressing me
0:22:46 > 0:22:52# I try and try But what's this Wi-Fi?
0:22:52 > 0:22:55# The computer is the future
0:22:55 > 0:22:59# Josh, impress your mind Don't get left behind
0:22:59 > 0:23:01It'll never work, you can bet
0:23:01 > 0:23:03I won't catch on to the internet
0:23:03 > 0:23:05Who's Dot Com, what does she do?
0:23:05 > 0:23:07And why does she always follow WWW?
0:23:07 > 0:23:10Come back, Josh Calm down, let me take a look
0:23:10 > 0:23:11It's all here in the instruction book
0:23:11 > 0:23:13It's not worth it I'm packing it in
0:23:13 > 0:23:16Josh, you buffoon It's not plugged in.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19What am I like?
0:23:19 > 0:23:20BELL RINGS
0:23:22 > 0:23:25Ladies and gentlemen, hold on to your hats as we come to the
0:23:25 > 0:23:31gripping climax of today's show - the quiz that we like to call...
0:23:31 > 0:23:34Sit on the lav-lav and answer some questions.
0:23:40 > 0:23:44Maggie, the rules of this game are bog standard. It's funny, that.
0:23:44 > 0:23:45All you have to do is...
0:23:49 > 0:23:52TOILET FLUSHES
0:23:52 > 0:23:54Sit on the lav-lav and answer some questions.
0:23:54 > 0:23:59- How does it feel being sat upon my throne?- Very comfortable, thank you.
0:23:59 > 0:24:03- The time will end when you hear this sound...- Keep calm, don't carry on.
0:24:03 > 0:24:06Start the clock. Name a planet.
0:24:06 > 0:24:07Mars.
0:24:07 > 0:24:09Incorrect, it was Jupiter.
0:24:09 > 0:24:13Herman has disguised this prop as an object from outer space,
0:24:13 > 0:24:16but what's that lamb-covered paddle to you?
0:24:16 > 0:24:18Um, um...
0:24:19 > 0:24:23- A paddle?- No! It's a meaty oar, meteor. Do you get it?- Yeah.
0:24:23 > 0:24:27- I get it.- Go away, Herman, you're not welcome round here.
0:24:27 > 0:24:32Please say hello to my old friend and confidante, Acky G!
0:24:32 > 0:24:38It's Accordion George, Acky Gee. Yes, it's me old chum, Acky Gee.
0:24:38 > 0:24:41He is going to play a fantastic,
0:24:41 > 0:24:43famous tune on his big old lovely acc.
0:24:43 > 0:24:47But what is he playing? Take it away, Accordion G.
0:24:47 > 0:24:52HE PLAYS A LIVELY TUNE
0:24:59 > 0:25:05- Maggie, what was Acky G playing? - I don't know. Was it Frere Jacques?
0:25:05 > 0:25:08I doubt it, but let's see if you're right. Play it in, please.
0:25:08 > 0:25:15MUSIC: All About That Bass by Meghan Trainor
0:25:15 > 0:25:20# He's all about the bass 'bout the bass, no treble. #
0:25:20 > 0:25:23Bass, bass, bass.
0:25:23 > 0:25:24I'm afraid you're wrong, cocker.
0:25:24 > 0:25:27It was All About That Bass by Meghan Trainor.
0:25:27 > 0:25:30I'm not surprised you didn't get it cos you were rubbish, Ack.
0:25:30 > 0:25:31Has it rusted or something?
0:25:31 > 0:25:35Acky G, thank you for everything, but now you can go away. Thank you.
0:25:35 > 0:25:40Give us a wave, Ack. Perfect. Thank you.
0:25:40 > 0:25:44The big G. Right, what is the speed of light?
0:25:44 > 0:25:49- 300 million metres per second. - No, it's much slower. Look.
0:25:56 > 0:25:59What do Saturn and Jupiter have in common?
0:25:59 > 0:26:02- They're both gas giants in the outer solar system.- No.
0:26:02 > 0:26:05They're both fans of snooker. They love it.
0:26:05 > 0:26:09- Complete this sentence - space the final...- Frontier.
0:26:09 > 0:26:14No, it's space the final word in the sentence. Hello, I like space.
0:26:14 > 0:26:16Keep calm, don't carry on.
0:26:16 > 0:26:21Time's up, Margaret, that means you've won tonight's star prize...
0:26:21 > 0:26:23A sprig of thyme and a train -
0:26:23 > 0:26:25sprig of thyme and train not included.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27What do you think about that, cocker?
0:26:27 > 0:26:29Unexpected.
0:26:29 > 0:26:34- Yes, and it's your lucky day because you've also won a holiday.- To where?
0:26:34 > 0:26:36A day trip to the sewers beneath the studio.
0:26:36 > 0:26:39Have you got any last words before you go?
0:26:39 > 0:26:41I'd like to say, it was really fun being here...
0:26:43 > 0:26:47Herman, flush her away.
0:26:47 > 0:26:48SCREAMING
0:26:51 > 0:26:53What a lovely visitor from outer space.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55Reet, I'm off to paint these walls terracotta
0:26:55 > 0:26:57and install a breakfast bar.
0:26:57 > 0:27:01But first, I shall sing my cloying song. Join in, cockers.
0:27:06 > 0:27:08# That is it for now, the end of the show
0:27:08 > 0:27:10# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go
0:27:10 > 0:27:13# I'll see you next time on this show of mine
0:27:13 > 0:27:15# Put it in your diary - it's called Hacker Time
0:27:15 > 0:27:17# It's been amazing we've been larking around
0:27:17 > 0:27:20# The whole programme cost just under a pound
0:27:20 > 0:27:22# Watch again next time cos we've got much more
0:27:22 > 0:27:26# There'll be tons of other funny stuff, it will be top drawer
0:27:26 > 0:27:30# Maggie Aderin-Pocock chatted space to this tiny dog
0:27:30 > 0:27:32# We went on a rocket mission to Mars
0:27:32 > 0:27:35# But it all went awry when Maggie stepped in the captain's log
0:27:35 > 0:27:37# That is it for now the end of the show
0:27:37 > 0:27:39# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go
0:27:39 > 0:27:42# I'll see you next time on this show of mine
0:27:42 > 0:27:44# Put it in your diary - it's called Hacker Time
0:27:44 > 0:27:47# Put it in your diary - it's called Hacker Time
0:27:47 > 0:27:49# That is the end of today's Hacker Time. #
0:27:49 > 0:27:51Keep calm, it's only a vacuum!