0:00:02 > 0:00:05Hacker Time was voted Britain's eighth best dog-based chat show...
0:00:05 > 0:00:06by Hacker.
0:00:11 > 0:00:17MUSIC: Spanish Flea by Herb Alpert & the Tijuana Brass
0:00:21 > 0:00:23Ho-ho! Ho-ho!
0:00:23 > 0:00:25Ho-ho!
0:00:25 > 0:00:27Ho-ho! Ho-ho!
0:00:27 > 0:00:31Ah! Ah! Ah!
0:00:31 > 0:00:34Ah! Ah! Ah!
0:00:34 > 0:00:37Ho! Ha! Ah! Eee!
0:00:37 > 0:00:41Families come in all shapes and sizes.
0:00:41 > 0:00:45And we're one big happy family on Hacker Time.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48Will you shut up with that muesli, Lolly?
0:00:48 > 0:00:49I'm trying to present on the telly!
0:00:49 > 0:00:51MUSIC COMES TO A HALT
0:00:51 > 0:00:55Herman, stop that incessant buttering and give me my toast!
0:00:55 > 0:00:56Yes, Mr Hacker!
0:00:56 > 0:01:00- Now, who's got that toothbrush? - Er...
0:01:00 > 0:01:02..that I was using to clean the lav-lav?
0:01:02 > 0:01:03TOILET FLUSHING
0:01:03 > 0:01:06Would you like me to stop as well, Hacker?
0:01:06 > 0:01:11No, Derek, I find your irritating ho-ho's strangely soothing.
0:01:11 > 0:01:13Ho-ho!
0:01:16 > 0:01:17# You gotta watch this!
0:01:20 > 0:01:22# You gotta watch this!
0:01:22 > 0:01:24# You gotta watch this!
0:01:26 > 0:01:29# My, my, my, my programme hits you
0:01:29 > 0:01:31# So hard, makes me say, "Oh, my word"
0:01:31 > 0:01:33# Thank you for watching me
0:01:33 > 0:01:35# It's telly, but not what you normally see
0:01:35 > 0:01:37# It feels good, there's out-takes too
0:01:37 > 0:01:38# Comedy, guests and clips, it's true
0:01:38 > 0:01:40# So sit back, don't move too much
0:01:40 > 0:01:43# This is the show, ha! You can't touch
0:01:43 > 0:01:45- # Stop! - Hacker time! #
0:01:45 > 0:01:46Thank you.
0:01:46 > 0:01:50Stand by, everyone. We're on air in 5...
0:01:51 > 0:01:534, 3,
0:01:53 > 0:01:562, 1...
0:01:56 > 0:01:57Cue Larry!
0:01:57 > 0:02:02Ladies and gentlemen, it's the hound about town, your friend
0:02:02 > 0:02:06and sometimes mine - Hacker T Dog!
0:02:06 > 0:02:07You all right, cockers?
0:02:07 > 0:02:09Today's show is all about family.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12And if there's one thing I love the most, it's the people
0:02:12 > 0:02:15around me. Yes, family is really important to me.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17Hello, son!
0:02:17 > 0:02:19Get out! You're so unimportant to me!
0:02:19 > 0:02:21OK, darling! Love you, bye!
0:02:21 > 0:02:23Love you, Mum, bye.
0:02:23 > 0:02:24What a brute!
0:02:24 > 0:02:27I don't know how anyone could be like that to their mother.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29- Derek!- Oh, Mother, what are you doing here?!
0:02:29 > 0:02:33I just want to say that you're not that important to me either.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35- Bye, Son!- See you, Mother.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38Now, arriving any minute we've a couple of guests who know
0:02:38 > 0:02:40all about family life.
0:02:40 > 0:02:43Hi. I'm Millie from Millie Inbetween.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45And I'm Jeremy from Millie Inbetween.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47And we're here to film Millie Inbetween.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49And I'm Wilf. And I'm not in-between anything. Ha!
0:02:49 > 0:02:51- Just step into the booth, go on. - What?
0:02:51 > 0:02:54Into the booth, you two, we need a new photograph for your ID.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56In the booth, shut the curtains!
0:02:56 > 0:02:58Doors!
0:02:58 > 0:02:59Ah!
0:02:59 > 0:03:01ALARM SOUNDS
0:03:01 > 0:03:03- What?!- Down! Heh!
0:03:03 > 0:03:06- What's going on?!- Let me out!
0:03:06 > 0:03:07THEY PROTEST
0:03:08 > 0:03:10- Oh, come on. - HE WHISTLES
0:03:10 > 0:03:13Please welcome today's superstar celebrities,
0:03:13 > 0:03:17it's Millie and Jeremy from Millie Inbetween!
0:03:17 > 0:03:18BOTH: Argh!
0:03:18 > 0:03:21Welcome to Hacker Time, you two! Come on, cockers.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23No, no, we're not doing this.
0:03:23 > 0:03:27- No, sorry.- I need you to help me with my family problems!
0:03:27 > 0:03:29You're good at all that family stuff, aren't you?
0:03:29 > 0:03:32- Family?- Yeah.- Of course.- Belting! Herman! Come here!
0:03:32 > 0:03:35Now, listen here, right, I've got this fantastic photo album here
0:03:35 > 0:03:39- filled with priceless family memories. Aw!- Aw!
0:03:39 > 0:03:42- Do you like that?- Yeah. - Can you do me a quick favour?
0:03:42 > 0:03:45Tuck it in that machine for me, will ya? Go on, get it in the machine.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47All the way down, cockle.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50Ha-ha, great, that, innit!
0:03:50 > 0:03:52Derek, over to you.
0:03:52 > 0:03:56Hang on, that's my family photo album you're shredding!
0:03:56 > 0:03:59Treasured snaps of me with Mother!
0:03:59 > 0:04:00It's for the best, Son.
0:04:00 > 0:04:05- That floral print dress was unforgivable.- Ho-ho.
0:04:07 > 0:04:11Millie and Jeremy appear on the hit BBC show Millie Inbetween.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14In the programme, Millie lives with her mum and sister
0:04:14 > 0:04:17as well as her mum's boyfriend Mike, played by our Jezza.
0:04:17 > 0:04:21The Inbetween family like nothing more than watching classic episodes
0:04:21 > 0:04:23of Hacker Time. Why aren't they laughing?
0:04:23 > 0:04:27Millie also played Maisy in Dani's House, where she learned to read
0:04:27 > 0:04:28her lines off the side of her nose.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31Meanwhile, Jeremy specialises in showing off his biceps
0:04:31 > 0:04:33- whilst trumping. - PHRRT!
0:04:33 > 0:04:35And appearing on Holby City alongside
0:04:35 > 0:04:37a luxury skyscraper hamster cage.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40And that's all you need to know about Millie - and Jeremy!
0:04:40 > 0:04:43Ho-ho, heh-heh!
0:04:43 > 0:04:46How uncomplicated and traditional a family life you lot lead.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48Well, it's not really like that, Hacker.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51Ha! Larry, stick a bit of life into the proceedings before we all
0:04:51 > 0:04:53fall asleep, will you?
0:04:53 > 0:04:59Ha-ha! You'll wanna say tune because today's show is all about family.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02Coming up, Hacker has a bad dream...
0:05:02 > 0:05:07A menace with a giant egg-shaped, erm...nostril was running amok
0:05:07 > 0:05:08in a local lawnmower shop.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10..Millie meets her owner's fam...
0:05:12 > 0:05:14..and Miss Marbles is a little off-key.
0:05:16 > 0:05:19All this and more on Hacker Time!
0:05:20 > 0:05:23Now, first things first, are you all right there, Millie?
0:05:23 > 0:05:25- I'm OK, thanks, Hacker.- Good.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27Because you're not in-between anybody. Are you all right,
0:05:27 > 0:05:30- are you really all right? - Yeah, I'm OK, I don't have to be
0:05:30 > 0:05:33- in-between people all the time. - Good. I'll move on.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36That's a pretty complicated set-up on Millie Inbetween, in't it?
0:05:36 > 0:05:38Tell me all about your family tree.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40There's Sharon and Millie and Lauren,
0:05:40 > 0:05:42and then Mike comes in and moves in with Sharon,
0:05:42 > 0:05:45but then of course, he brings in Craig because that's his son
0:05:45 > 0:05:47from before. So then they move in...
0:05:47 > 0:05:49All right, all right, all right, Jeremy.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51I didn't want your family history, did I?
0:05:51 > 0:05:53I need to say this to you.
0:05:53 > 0:05:57- I had a family tree once, too. But I chopped it down!- Oh, that's a shame.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00..to make this family bread bin!
0:06:00 > 0:06:01Did somebody call?
0:06:01 > 0:06:05No, I said family breadbin, not Wilfred Breadbin.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07Oh... Are you my second cousin?
0:06:07 > 0:06:10He's not your second cousin, you fool!
0:06:10 > 0:06:12Your second cousin's a butter dish.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15- Oh!- Get out of it, Wilf.- I'm going!
0:06:15 > 0:06:19My mum also gave me a potted history of the T Dog dynasty.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21And here it is!
0:06:21 > 0:06:23HE STRUGGLES
0:06:25 > 0:06:28It wouldn't fit in the shredder, so I buried it.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30It's a potted history. You having that, Millie?
0:06:30 > 0:06:34It's a little joke. Potted history, plant pot - potted.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36Oh, I don't know why I bother.
0:06:36 > 0:06:39Millie, you're always falling out with your stepbrother Craig
0:06:39 > 0:06:42- in the show, aren't you? - Yeah, he's not very nice.
0:06:42 > 0:06:43Oh, is he not?
0:06:43 > 0:06:46Herman recently fell out with his stepbrother.
0:06:46 > 0:06:51Oh, why can't we get along, O brother of mine?
0:06:51 > 0:06:54Because you just walk all over me!
0:06:54 > 0:06:56Huh!
0:06:57 > 0:06:59Bit of stairs chat there.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02Family values are important, in't they, Millie?
0:07:02 > 0:07:03Yeah, really important.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06Well, if family values are so important,
0:07:06 > 0:07:08how much would you value this at?
0:07:08 > 0:07:10No, that's sentimental value, Hacker.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13Is it? In that case, Herman, bring it in.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16And hurry up, will ya? Is that you squeaking or the thing?
0:07:16 > 0:07:21Right, Jeremy, you know what to do. Here we are.
0:07:24 > 0:07:28Shredded family values there. Lovely memories.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31- Millie, are you all right though? - I promise I'm OK, Hacker.
0:07:31 > 0:07:35Because I can't help noticing you're still not between anything!
0:07:35 > 0:07:38Have you ever thought about being Millie In The Foreground?
0:07:38 > 0:07:40Or Millie Fractionally Off Centre?
0:07:40 > 0:07:41I really don't mind!
0:07:41 > 0:07:44Millie On The Edge Of Summat has a nice ring to it.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46It's OK, Hacker, I'm fine.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48Millicent Inbetwixt!
0:07:50 > 0:07:51I'll move on.
0:07:51 > 0:07:55Remember that time I made you run a midnight errand for me?
0:07:55 > 0:07:57- No.- Run it, Derek!
0:07:58 > 0:08:02Here, Millie, watch this! I'm gonna trick that Mike into getting me
0:08:02 > 0:08:03some meat paste. Watch it!
0:08:03 > 0:08:05HE SCREAMS
0:08:08 > 0:08:10What is it? Are you OK?
0:08:10 > 0:08:11Oh, no, Sharon, me old love.
0:08:11 > 0:08:16I've had a terrible nightmare. I dreamt that a menace with a giant
0:08:16 > 0:08:20egg-shaped, erm...nostril was running amok in a local
0:08:20 > 0:08:21lawnmower shop.
0:08:21 > 0:08:26It was horrible! Maybe it would really help if Mike
0:08:26 > 0:08:30could go to the local retail outlet and buy me 45 cubic tonnes
0:08:30 > 0:08:33of meat paste! I think that would help me feel much, much better.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35Coming right up.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38Heh-heh. I can't believe how stupid that man is.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43Ha-ha! There really have been some rum old arguments round your gaff,
0:08:43 > 0:08:45haven't there, cockers?
0:08:45 > 0:08:47I bet you must sometimes think, "If those walls could talk,
0:08:47 > 0:08:49"I wonder what they'd say."
0:08:49 > 0:08:51No, I never wonder what the walls would say.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54Well, wonder no more, cocker, because exclusively to Hacker Time,
0:08:54 > 0:08:57it's the wall from the hallway in Millie's house!
0:08:57 > 0:09:00Hey, Wall, what's the juicy goss from Millie's house that we didn't
0:09:00 > 0:09:02see in the series?
0:09:02 > 0:09:05Oh, well, I'm not much of a talker really.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08I just keep myself to myself.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10Well, what was the point in bringing you here then?
0:09:10 > 0:09:13Oh, Derek! Derek!
0:09:13 > 0:09:14Hmm?
0:09:14 > 0:09:16Now, Millie, I just need to ask.
0:09:16 > 0:09:20Are you all right there? Because you're still not between anyone.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22Yes, Hacker, I'm fine.
0:09:22 > 0:09:28Don't worry. I've sorted your little location situation. Observe!
0:09:28 > 0:09:31Now you truly are Millie Inbetween again.
0:09:31 > 0:09:32I know how much it means to you.
0:09:32 > 0:09:37Oi, Skeleton Inbetween is not a real programme, now go away!
0:09:38 > 0:09:41Now, on Millie Inbetween there's a lot of sibling rivalry.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44But you know that older sisters are always stirring.
0:09:44 > 0:09:49- Did somebody say stair?- No! Your joke was earlier, now go away!
0:09:49 > 0:09:53Talking of families, my mum recently took her husband back.
0:09:53 > 0:09:54As you can see.
0:09:54 > 0:09:59Hello, darling. I'd like to return this husband to the shop.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02Certainly, madam! What's the fault?
0:10:02 > 0:10:09- Er, he shrank in the wash. Can I exchange him for this espadrille?- No.
0:10:09 > 0:10:13Now, Jeremy, you used to be a young star in the popular telly show
0:10:13 > 0:10:14- Hollyoaks, didn't you?- Yeah.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17But would you ever return to the show as someone's grandad?
0:10:17 > 0:10:20- Not very nice, is it?- Yeah! Yes, it is!
0:10:20 > 0:10:22Of course I would, Hacker!
0:10:22 > 0:10:25Millie, do you think children should be seen and not heard?
0:10:26 > 0:10:28Good answer, cocker.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31And finally, when you do that thing where you talk to the camera
0:10:31 > 0:10:34and nobody around you notices, what's all that about?
0:10:34 > 0:10:38Well, it's just like Millie explaining to the audience
0:10:38 > 0:10:40- what's going on. - These people are so dull.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42Always going on about themselves.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45And what sort of a surname is Inbetween?
0:10:45 > 0:10:47Larry, help me out here, will you?
0:10:47 > 0:10:49Get your magnifying glasses at the ready!
0:10:49 > 0:10:52It's time for the Miss Marbles Mysteries.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59Hello. Who's this? I wonder who that is.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05Ho-ho!
0:11:09 > 0:11:13How do? You all right, yeah?
0:11:13 > 0:11:14Argh!
0:11:25 > 0:11:28There's a sign.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30Ho-ho!
0:11:34 > 0:11:36HE WHISTLES
0:11:42 > 0:11:45Constable Heywayne, what can I do for you?
0:11:45 > 0:11:47Well, I need your help, Miss Marbles.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50Somebody's been terrorising Narrowchapel.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53What have they done?
0:11:53 > 0:11:56Well, they started with some very rude vandalism.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58Aaaah...
0:11:59 > 0:12:02At the tea room, they swapped the rock cakes with real rocks.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04CRUNCHING
0:12:06 > 0:12:08Finally, they struck at the chemist's,
0:12:08 > 0:12:11by substituting the toothache pills.
0:12:11 > 0:12:13What with?
0:12:13 > 0:12:16Trump tablets. PHRRT!
0:12:16 > 0:12:22- Oh, it smells of rocks!- Excuse me, I need to pay a visit, so I should.
0:12:22 > 0:12:23PHRRT!
0:12:23 > 0:12:27Ha! At least they haven't swapped the toilet roll for sandpaper.
0:12:27 > 0:12:28Ha-ha!
0:12:28 > 0:12:31SCRATCHING
0:12:31 > 0:12:35This is a case for Miss Marbles!
0:12:36 > 0:12:41I'll unpack it later. I've got a mystery to solve first. Nyaaa-ha-ha!
0:12:45 > 0:12:50- What did the culprit look like? - Well, she was about three foot tall.
0:12:50 > 0:12:51Just like you.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53DRAMATIC MUSIC
0:12:53 > 0:12:57She was wearing a tweed hat and blazer, just like you.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59DRAMATIC MUSIC
0:12:59 > 0:13:02She was carrying a suitcase for no reason.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04Just like you!
0:13:04 > 0:13:06DRAMATIC MUSIC SHE SCREAMS
0:13:06 > 0:13:10And worst of all, she had a rancid, furry face. Just like you.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12SHE SCREAMS
0:13:19 > 0:13:22So, Miss Marbles. Who do you think did it?
0:13:22 > 0:13:26Well, using all the descriptions, I've made this sketch.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31I don't believe it.
0:13:31 > 0:13:32It's...
0:13:32 > 0:13:34It's...
0:13:34 > 0:13:35- It's...- I know!
0:13:35 > 0:13:38Hideously ugly! Look at that face.
0:13:38 > 0:13:43It makes me want to physically retch. Ugh!
0:13:43 > 0:13:44No, Miss Marbles.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46DRAMATIC MUSIC BUILDS IN TEMPO
0:13:46 > 0:13:48It's you!
0:13:50 > 0:13:53- Well, I'm afraid you're going to have to accompany me.- Very well!
0:13:53 > 0:13:58You sing it and I'll play it, cocker. La-la-la-la-la-la, hey!
0:13:58 > 0:14:02No, Miss Marbles. I mean for you to accompany me to the station.
0:14:02 > 0:14:03You're under arrest!
0:14:03 > 0:14:05DRAMATIC MUSIC
0:14:09 > 0:14:11Agh! I didn't do anything!
0:14:11 > 0:14:16There must be someone identical to me who is purely evil!
0:14:16 > 0:14:19But no-one like that exists.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24Here, who's that?
0:14:24 > 0:14:27Oh, it's my purely evil identical twin.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29Good morning, Helena.
0:14:29 > 0:14:30HELENA GRUMBLES
0:14:30 > 0:14:36- Oh, well, that explains everything, so it does.- Ta.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38Sorry, madam, but you're going to have to come with me.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40SHE SHRIEKS
0:14:40 > 0:14:43Huzzah! I knew I'd be proven innocent.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46Now to restock that toilet paper.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51SHE LAUGHS MANIACALLY
0:14:53 > 0:14:55SCRATCHING AND SCREAMING
0:14:58 > 0:15:00I can't watch any more of that.
0:15:00 > 0:15:03Hey, why don't we watch an epic cat fail video on YouBin?
0:15:03 > 0:15:05Oh, I love epic cat fails!
0:15:05 > 0:15:08- Well, this is the best one ever. - Ho-ho!
0:15:08 > 0:15:12Mr Haddock, you've failed your driving test.
0:15:13 > 0:15:17Hey, if you think that's bad, wait till you see his other epic fails.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20In the next one, he epically fails his GCSEs.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22Then he epically fails his eye test!
0:15:22 > 0:15:24He even epically fails his cat exam.
0:15:24 > 0:15:30- He comes out as a pigeon!- How's that even possible?- I don't know, heh!
0:15:30 > 0:15:31What's a cat exam?
0:15:31 > 0:15:34Now, then. This show is all about families, as you know.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36And you've made us see
0:15:36 > 0:15:39that there's no such thing as a typical family, haven't you?
0:15:39 > 0:15:40Yep, we have.
0:15:40 > 0:15:44Well, if you thought your family was strange, have a little look at this!
0:15:52 > 0:15:55# Millie Inbetween really speaks to me
0:15:55 > 0:15:58# I've got family issues too!
0:15:59 > 0:16:02# Working with this team, it's like a bad dream
0:16:02 > 0:16:06# I'm surrounded by such fools!
0:16:06 > 0:16:09# Look at Derek, the worst producer
0:16:09 > 0:16:12# He is hopeless for sure
0:16:12 > 0:16:16# And there's Lolly, Wilfred and Herman
0:16:16 > 0:16:19- # They're all such bores! - Oi!
0:16:19 > 0:16:22# I get what you mean, I have always been
0:16:22 > 0:16:26# Mortified to say the least
0:16:26 > 0:16:29# Office load of chumps, they're a dreadful bunch
0:16:29 > 0:16:33# Just like monkeys at a feast
0:16:33 > 0:16:36# I know you've got a teenage sister
0:16:36 > 0:16:40# Always winding you up
0:16:40 > 0:16:43# And that Craig never stops being cheeky
0:16:43 > 0:16:47# But listen up, because...
0:16:47 > 0:16:52# Your lot can't be as bad as my family! #
0:16:54 > 0:16:57And that's why families should be banned.
0:16:57 > 0:17:00Oh, hello, darling! Oh, what a lovely song!
0:17:00 > 0:17:04It was a song about how much I dislike my family.
0:17:04 > 0:17:05Oh, me too!
0:17:05 > 0:17:09I've got this dreadful son, he's so dull and boring!
0:17:09 > 0:17:12He's called Hacker, such a naughty boy!
0:17:12 > 0:17:16Larry, cut to something else, will you? While I deal with my mother.
0:17:16 > 0:17:18HE GROWLS
0:17:18 > 0:17:20Ha, I know all about families.
0:17:20 > 0:17:23I thought I had a twin brother for seven years before I realised
0:17:23 > 0:17:25it was just a mirror. Ha!
0:17:25 > 0:17:27Coming up, we ask...
0:17:27 > 0:17:29are you eating enough greens?
0:17:29 > 0:17:30Oh.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32..is Jeremy a walrus?
0:17:32 > 0:17:35And is this Hacker's worst nightmare?
0:17:35 > 0:17:36Mother's here.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39All this still to come on Hacker Time!
0:17:39 > 0:17:43They say the good thing about family is that there's always someone
0:17:43 > 0:17:45there to talk to, don't they?
0:17:45 > 0:17:47- Yeah, it's quite nice.- Well, I get sick of all this talking.
0:17:47 > 0:17:50All that needless chatter. The pointless yakking.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53Why can't people just learn to sit in silence?
0:17:56 > 0:17:58HACKER CLUCKS
0:18:00 > 0:18:02BELL RINGS
0:18:02 > 0:18:05- Oh, is that the dinner bell? - Sh!
0:18:07 > 0:18:10I'm off. You two keep quiet while I'm away, will ya?
0:18:10 > 0:18:12La-la-la-la-la...
0:18:12 > 0:18:15Oh, I hope the dessert's got a coulis!
0:18:17 > 0:18:19- Where's everyone gone? - Sh!
0:18:23 > 0:18:25Bad news, Mrs B.
0:18:25 > 0:18:29We've got no bread, no sauce and no bread sauce.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31Well, that's not too bad.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34Also, we have no other ingredients of any kind whatsoever.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36Apart from peas.
0:18:36 > 0:18:40I clicked nine million instead of one on the online order form.
0:18:40 > 0:18:41So, what are we going to do?
0:18:41 > 0:18:44Don't worry, my love, I've got a plan.
0:18:44 > 0:18:46- Oh, customer. - Oh!
0:18:46 > 0:18:49I'll have the spaghetti bolognese, please.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51Certainly, madam, Mrs B. That's it.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54Oh. Well, this doesn't look right.
0:18:54 > 0:18:57Don't worry - it's just a new reci-pea.
0:18:57 > 0:18:59I'll have the roast chicken instead, please.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01With pleasure, sir.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03Oh. Well, this is a touch on the green side.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05You want your eyes checking!
0:19:05 > 0:19:08There's nothing unusual about that plate, mister.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11You want your eyes checking! I'm a woman!
0:19:11 > 0:19:13Well, look, I've changed my mind.
0:19:13 > 0:19:18I really fancy a lovely big bowl of peas.
0:19:18 > 0:19:19I beg your pardon?
0:19:19 > 0:19:22Peas are NOT on the menu, can't you read?
0:19:22 > 0:19:23Yes, but it says...
0:19:23 > 0:19:28- Oi! No reading.- Oh, well, that's just not on.
0:19:28 > 0:19:32Wilf, takings are through the roof.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34We could get a new cooker with it,
0:19:34 > 0:19:37or we could replace our butter dish.
0:19:37 > 0:19:41But I've already bought us something with our new-found cash.
0:19:41 > 0:19:43More peas!
0:19:43 > 0:19:47Oh, Wilfred!
0:19:47 > 0:19:50I'll fire up the peas. I mean van.
0:19:50 > 0:19:51BELL RINGS
0:19:51 > 0:19:53Pea, pea, peas.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55HE BURPS
0:19:55 > 0:19:57Oh - ha - excuse me.
0:19:57 > 0:20:01Hacker Time is proud to present... The Jeremiah Rile Show.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03APPLAUSE
0:20:03 > 0:20:05Welcome to The Jeremiah Rile Show.
0:20:05 > 0:20:08Today we've got a young lady who is being pushed over the edge
0:20:08 > 0:20:10in many embarrassing ways.
0:20:10 > 0:20:14Let's meet our first guest. Give a warm welcome to Millie, everyone.
0:20:14 > 0:20:15APPLAUSE
0:20:15 > 0:20:17Give her a nice big round of applause, yes. That's it.
0:20:17 > 0:20:18Hi, Millie.
0:20:18 > 0:20:22Now, my researchers tell me that your mum's boyfriend Mike is really
0:20:22 > 0:20:26embarrassing, smells of basements and has a ghastly pullover.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28You must be sick of it!
0:20:28 > 0:20:30None of that is true. He's actually all right, you know.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32You have to be completely honest with me.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34Nobody is judging you here.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36- HE BANGS GAVEL - She's guilty!
0:20:36 > 0:20:39Get out of here, you! Off you pop, go on.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42Millie, do you deny that Mike smells of damp basements?
0:20:42 > 0:20:46Yes! I think his personal hygiene's pretty good.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48But he is embarrassing! Just look at this!
0:20:48 > 0:20:51Yep, here he is dressing up as a walrus!
0:20:51 > 0:20:54Oh, the shame he has brought upon the Inbetween family!
0:20:54 > 0:20:55That's not a real photo.
0:20:55 > 0:20:59All right. But you did say he's got a really hideous pullover!
0:20:59 > 0:21:00He doesn't even own one!
0:21:00 > 0:21:04Let's blow this wide open. Get Mike out here. Everybody, Mike.
0:21:04 > 0:21:05BOOS
0:21:05 > 0:21:08Oh, you're getting a lot of boos, Mike. Oh, they've got your cards,
0:21:08 > 0:21:10- Mike, don't they, cocker? - Hi, Jeremiah.
0:21:10 > 0:21:12Sit down! Sit down! Sit down!
0:21:12 > 0:21:14- I am sitting down. - Don't interrupt me!
0:21:14 > 0:21:16I didn't, but... sorry if I offended you.
0:21:16 > 0:21:17Listen, sonny Jim.
0:21:17 > 0:21:21There's only one name above the door to this show and it's mine, OK?
0:21:21 > 0:21:23I can see you're going to be a handful.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25Now are you going to apologise to her or not?
0:21:25 > 0:21:29- What for?- That dreadful basement-like smell that emits
0:21:29 > 0:21:31- from your ways. - That isn't me.
0:21:31 > 0:21:34Well, do you deny that your embarrassing ways have driven
0:21:34 > 0:21:36a wedge between you two? Do you deny that?!
0:21:36 > 0:21:38Me and Mills get along pretty well, don't we, eh?
0:21:38 > 0:21:41Yeah, he's not bad once you get past all the martial arts stuff.
0:21:41 > 0:21:44- Waa!- Will you two just calm down and listen?!
0:21:44 > 0:21:47There's no way we're going to resolve this without help.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49It's time to welcome the pullover.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51APPLAUSE
0:21:53 > 0:21:57Right, we need to get to the bottom of this. Tell me your secret.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59- Why are you so angry?- The truth is,
0:21:59 > 0:22:02- I'm not really a pullover at all! - GASPS
0:22:02 > 0:22:05I'm actually a tank top.
0:22:05 > 0:22:08THEY ALL GASP
0:22:08 > 0:22:11It's you! I didn't recognise you in those sleeves!
0:22:11 > 0:22:15- Oh, you were always my favourite. - Oh, you're so embarrassing!
0:22:15 > 0:22:16I'm leaving!
0:22:16 > 0:22:19Whoa, don't go. Hey. No, don't.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21There's an important lesson in there somewhere.
0:22:21 > 0:22:24One last thing - the lie detector test.
0:22:24 > 0:22:26Before the show, I asked myself, "Is it true that this sketch
0:22:26 > 0:22:30"is going to be a load of feeble puns and garment-based humour?"
0:22:30 > 0:22:32Well, I've got the results here.
0:22:32 > 0:22:33And the answer is...
0:22:33 > 0:22:34true.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36APPLAUSE
0:22:36 > 0:22:38Oh, you DO smell of damp basements.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45It's time for school, but don't worry,
0:22:45 > 0:22:47you won't be learning anything. Ha!
0:22:47 > 0:22:50It's the Quarter Past Four O'Clock Club.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52BELL RINGS
0:22:52 > 0:22:55- It's parents' evening, Josh, are you excited?- No, Dexter!
0:22:55 > 0:22:57- I'm dreading it!- Oh, don't be silly.
0:22:57 > 0:23:01You've done some sterling work this term. Your mum will be ever so proud.
0:23:01 > 0:23:04But don't you see? It's not my work that's the problem.
0:23:04 > 0:23:05It's her!
0:23:06 > 0:23:10# It's parents' evening at the school
0:23:10 > 0:23:12- # Don't want my mum here - Why?
0:23:12 > 0:23:14- # She's totally not cool - No way!
0:23:14 > 0:23:16# You're being daft, Josh, have no fear
0:23:16 > 0:23:18# Your mother's great, she's a nice old dear
0:23:18 > 0:23:20# Just relax and have some fun
0:23:20 > 0:23:22# She'll be proud of you, cos you're her son
0:23:22 > 0:23:24# Dexter, don't you remember
0:23:24 > 0:23:26# The PTA Christmas fair last December?
0:23:26 > 0:23:28# She only went and ruined the prize tombola
0:23:28 > 0:23:30# By filling it up with Gorgonzola
0:23:30 > 0:23:32# Then she ran amok in Santa's grotto
0:23:32 > 0:23:34# When she painted on the wall a naughty motto
0:23:34 > 0:23:36# She terrified the actors in the school play
0:23:36 > 0:23:38# I'd never seen a donkey run away
0:23:38 > 0:23:40# The PE teacher was in a lot of pain
0:23:40 > 0:23:42# Mr Gomez from languages moved to Spain
0:23:42 > 0:23:44# Mrs Smith from biology lost her brain
0:23:44 > 0:23:46# The poor headmaster got flushed down the drain
0:23:46 > 0:23:48# The school caretaker was cleaning for weeks
0:23:48 > 0:23:50# And that was just the lipstick on his cheeks
0:23:50 > 0:23:52# Oh, Josh, I'm sorry, you're telling the truth
0:23:52 > 0:23:55# We've got to stop her, she's on the loose!
0:23:55 > 0:23:58# She's a terror like no other
0:23:58 > 0:24:02# The out-of-control scary mother
0:24:02 > 0:24:06# She's a nightmare, a total menace
0:24:06 > 0:24:10# Oh, look, now she's chasing Mr Dennis! #
0:24:10 > 0:24:13Erm, we don't have a teacher here called Mr Dennis.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15I know, it just rhymed.
0:24:15 > 0:24:19Hello, boys! Mother's here.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21BELL RINGS
0:24:21 > 0:24:22Ladies and gentlemen,
0:24:22 > 0:24:27hold on to your hats as we come to the gripping climax of today's show,
0:24:27 > 0:24:29the quiz that we like to call...
0:24:29 > 0:24:33Sit on my lav-lav and answer some questions.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35DRAMATIC MUSIC
0:24:37 > 0:24:39TOILET FLUSHING
0:24:39 > 0:24:42Mille and Jeremy, the rules of this game are bog-standard.
0:24:42 > 0:24:43It's funny, that, innit?
0:24:43 > 0:24:45All you have to do is...
0:24:45 > 0:24:46DRAMATIC MUSIC
0:24:48 > 0:24:51TOILET FLUSHING
0:24:51 > 0:24:53..sit on my lav-lav and answer some questions.
0:24:53 > 0:24:57- How does it feel to be sat upon my throne?- Amazing, Hacker.
0:24:57 > 0:24:58- Great, yeah.- Belting.
0:24:58 > 0:25:01The time will end when you hear this sound.
0:25:01 > 0:25:04I could have gone to drama school!
0:25:04 > 0:25:07- Are you ready? - BOTH: Yeah.
0:25:07 > 0:25:10In that case, start the clock!
0:25:10 > 0:25:13In Millie Inbetween, which is a real character?
0:25:13 > 0:25:15Is it Millie or Lauren?
0:25:15 > 0:25:17- Erm...- Millie, cos Millie's a real person.
0:25:17 > 0:25:20- Whereas Lauren's just a character. - No, I'm afraid the answer was yes.
0:25:20 > 0:25:23Now, this is Wilf Breadbin here.
0:25:23 > 0:25:26The question is, what's in my breadbin?
0:25:26 > 0:25:30- Bread.- No, I'm afraid not in that breadbin.
0:25:30 > 0:25:33What's in Wilf Breadbin? Wilf, what's in you?
0:25:33 > 0:25:36- Nothing, I'm running on empty! - Then go away.
0:25:38 > 0:25:42Next question. Millie, who is your mum's stepson's stepsister's
0:25:42 > 0:25:46stepsister's brother's mum's partner's daughter?
0:25:48 > 0:25:50Me.
0:25:50 > 0:25:51Correct!
0:25:51 > 0:25:52THEY CHEER
0:25:52 > 0:25:56It is you. Very good. I notice you didn't get that.
0:25:56 > 0:26:01- Complete the title of this CBBC show. The Next...- Step.
0:26:01 > 0:26:04I'm afraid it's not, it's the next episode of Millie Inbetween.
0:26:04 > 0:26:05- Oh, OK.- Of course!
0:26:05 > 0:26:08Complete the title of this CBBC show. The Dog Ate My...
0:26:08 > 0:26:09BOTH: Homework.
0:26:09 > 0:26:13- No, it was The Dog Ate My Remote Control. Aw!- OK.
0:26:13 > 0:26:17Complete the title of this CBBC show. Help, My Supply Teacher Is...
0:26:17 > 0:26:21- Magic.- No, it was Help, My Supply Teacher Is Angry Because
0:26:21 > 0:26:24I Was Late To Class After The Dog Ate My Remote Control.
0:26:24 > 0:26:28I could have gone to drama school.
0:26:28 > 0:26:30Time's up! That means you've won tonight's star prize.
0:26:30 > 0:26:32- Yeah!- A pair of gloves!
0:26:32 > 0:26:35Both gloves for the right hand. Not a matching pair.
0:26:35 > 0:26:38A pair of dirty, stinking gloves.
0:26:38 > 0:26:40- What do you think about that, cocker?- It...It's great.
0:26:40 > 0:26:42Thank you. Yeah, I mean, I love gloves.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44Well, it's your lucky day.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46Because you've also won a holiday!
0:26:46 > 0:26:48THEY CHEER
0:26:48 > 0:26:52A day trip for one to the waste pipes underneath the studio.
0:26:52 > 0:26:54Have you got any last words before you go?
0:26:54 > 0:26:56Well, yeah... THEY BANG ON DOOR
0:26:56 > 0:26:57Herman!
0:26:57 > 0:26:59Flush them away!
0:26:59 > 0:27:00FLUSHING
0:27:00 > 0:27:02HERMAN CHUCKLES
0:27:02 > 0:27:03Who were those people?
0:27:03 > 0:27:06No matter, because before I nip off to the wholesalers,
0:27:06 > 0:27:08here's a little ditty I wrote.
0:27:08 > 0:27:10Sing along, why don't you!
0:27:15 > 0:27:17# That is it for now, the end of the show
0:27:17 > 0:27:20# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go
0:27:20 > 0:27:22# I'll see you next time on this show of mine
0:27:22 > 0:27:25# Put it in your diary, it's called Hacker Time!
0:27:25 > 0:27:27# It's been amazing, we've been larking around
0:27:27 > 0:27:29# The whole programme cost just under a pound
0:27:29 > 0:27:32# Watch again next time cos we've got much more
0:27:32 > 0:27:34# There'll be tons of other funny stuff, it will be top drawer
0:27:34 > 0:27:36# Jez and Millie got involved
0:27:36 > 0:27:39# Told me tales of their family life
0:27:39 > 0:27:41# They went on The Rile Show
0:27:41 > 0:27:43# And a jumper appeared but lost his sleeves
0:27:43 > 0:27:44# And Jezza admitted that Millie was right
0:27:44 > 0:27:46# That is it for now, the end of the show
0:27:46 > 0:27:49# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go
0:27:49 > 0:27:51# I'll see you next time on this show of mine
0:27:51 > 0:27:53# Put it in your diary, it's called Hacker Time
0:27:53 > 0:27:56# Put it in your diary, it's called Hacker Time
0:27:56 > 0:27:58# That is the end of today's Hacker Time! #
0:27:58 > 0:28:01I'm not a pullover, I'm a tank top!