0:00:02 > 0:00:05Today's Hacker Time was formerly known as Tomorrow's Hacker Time...
0:00:05 > 0:00:07yesterday.
0:00:07 > 0:00:09Morning, all! Hoo-hoo! Heh-hey!
0:00:09 > 0:00:11T...
0:00:11 > 0:00:12I don't believe it!
0:00:12 > 0:00:16We've been... We've been...
0:00:16 > 0:00:17We've been...
0:00:17 > 0:00:20very slack on the cleaning rota this week.
0:00:20 > 0:00:23Hoo-hoo! What a mess!
0:00:23 > 0:00:25Well, I AM trying to tidy up, Derek.
0:00:25 > 0:00:29- Lolly! Are you all right in all that detritus?- I'm fine.
0:00:30 > 0:00:33It's Herman you ought to be worried about.
0:00:33 > 0:00:36Save yourselves! It's too late for me.
0:00:36 > 0:00:40Fair enough. I'd better see what state the kitchen's in.
0:00:40 > 0:00:44I can't function without my nutty granola. Hoo-hoo!
0:00:44 > 0:00:46Wilf! What's going on in here?
0:00:46 > 0:00:50Well, I'm trying to wash up, aren't I, but there isn't much room.
0:00:50 > 0:00:54I'm a mushroom. I've just grown from this tea towel.
0:00:54 > 0:00:58Right, get this cleaned up, Wilf, or we'll get rats as well.
0:00:58 > 0:01:00We already have.
0:01:00 > 0:01:04Yes, and I'm going somewhere much cleaner.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06My dirty, festering sewer.
0:01:08 > 0:01:11- HE SNIFFS - What's that rancid smell?
0:01:11 > 0:01:13Hacker! Mm!
0:01:13 > 0:01:16But it's not me. It's your feet, Derek.
0:01:16 > 0:01:21It can't be. I put new socks on every day.
0:01:21 > 0:01:24I know, but you're supposed to take the old ones off first.
0:01:24 > 0:01:27HACKER LAUGHS
0:01:27 > 0:01:31Well, at least for once I'm not the butt of the joke.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35Run titles, ho-ho!
0:01:38 > 0:01:39You gonna watch this?
0:01:41 > 0:01:43You gotta watch this!
0:01:45 > 0:01:46You gotta watch this!
0:01:48 > 0:01:51- HE RAPS: - My, my, my, my programme hits you
0:01:51 > 0:01:53So hard Makes me say, "Oh, my word!"
0:01:53 > 0:01:55Thank you for watching me
0:01:55 > 0:01:57It's telly, but not what you normally see
0:01:57 > 0:02:00It feels good, there's outtakes too Comedy, guests and clips, it's true
0:02:00 > 0:02:02So sit back - don't move too much
0:02:02 > 0:02:05This is the show - ah! - you can't touch.
0:02:05 > 0:02:06- Stop!- Hacker Time!
0:02:06 > 0:02:08Thank you.
0:02:08 > 0:02:12Stand by, everyone. We're on air in five...
0:02:12 > 0:02:16four, three, two, one.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19Cue Larry!
0:02:19 > 0:02:20Ladies and gentlemen,
0:02:20 > 0:02:24make as much noise as you can muster for the one, the only...
0:02:24 > 0:02:27Hacker T Dog!
0:02:27 > 0:02:31Good day, cockers. Today's show is all about crime.
0:02:31 > 0:02:32Which is just as well,
0:02:32 > 0:02:35because most of the jokes are pinched from old Christmas crackers.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38That's why I'm wearing this fetching hat.
0:02:38 > 0:02:42That reminds me, Derek. How's next week's script coming along?
0:02:42 > 0:02:44There's only one way to find out. Hoo-hoo!
0:02:44 > 0:02:48Anyway, today's guest is a detective who says he knows all about crime.
0:02:48 > 0:02:52But he hasn't managed to detect that he's coming here.
0:02:52 > 0:02:53- Yeah, hi.- Hello.- I'm Rav Wilding.
0:02:53 > 0:02:57I'm here for an important interview for a public service broadcast.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59Lovely, step this way, Ralph. Get in the booth.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02I need to take a new photograph for your security pass.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hang on. That says "Guild of Fake Security Guards".
0:03:05 > 0:03:07- What's all that about? - That's a typo, yeah.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10Now, get in the booth! Get in the booth, Ralph.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13- I'm not sure about this. - Go on, Ralph. Shut the curtains.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15- Are you sure?- Shut 'em. Shut 'em right closed, yeah.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18Shut the doors. There's Ralph Wildboar. Yeah.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22KLAXON BLARES
0:03:22 > 0:03:24HE CHUCKLES
0:03:24 > 0:03:26Let me out of here! What's going on?
0:03:28 > 0:03:30- Oh, come on. - HACKER WHISTLES
0:03:30 > 0:03:32Whoa!
0:03:32 > 0:03:38Please welcome former policeman and crime expert Rav Wilding!
0:03:39 > 0:03:43- Welcome to Hacker Time, Rav! - Oh, I'm out of here.
0:03:43 > 0:03:47Whoa, whoa. Don't go. There's a juicy whodunnit to solve.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49Ohh... Go on, then.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52The crime is...this smell.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54PARP
0:03:54 > 0:03:57Oh! That's a pretty easy one to solve.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59You are the prime suspect.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01You've cracked the case! I'll come along quietly, Rav.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04- PARP - Ooh. Maybe I won't!
0:04:04 > 0:04:06Derek, the fact file.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08Oh, I can smell that in here.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10No, Derek, that's your foot.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12Oh, yeah.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17Rav Wilding is a former soldier and police detective
0:04:17 > 0:04:21and was a presenter on CBBC's action-packed show Hero Squad.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24He also presented on Crimewatch, where his undercover policing skills
0:04:24 > 0:04:27helped him blend in with the furniture.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30He competed on Strictly Come Dancing,
0:04:30 > 0:04:32but his performance was worse than his shirt.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35He got voted off in week three.
0:04:35 > 0:04:39And that's all you'll ever need to know about Rav Wilding. Whoo-hoo!
0:04:39 > 0:04:43Police! The Army. Hero Squad.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45- What a tedious life you lead.- Oi!
0:04:45 > 0:04:49Larry, sprinkle some glitter on this dullard, will you?
0:04:49 > 0:04:53Stay tuned, because today's show is really arresting.
0:04:53 > 0:04:57Coming up, Ms Marbles puts her best foot forward.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01Derek puts his worst foot forward.
0:05:03 > 0:05:06And Hacker has to hotfoot it from the law.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08All this and more on Hacker Time.
0:05:09 > 0:05:13Rav Wilding, if that is your real name...
0:05:13 > 0:05:16- Of course it's my real name. - Whoa, whoa. I'll do the talking.
0:05:16 > 0:05:20I'm doing the good cop, bad cop bit. Would you like a cup of tea?
0:05:20 > 0:05:24- That sounds very nice, thank you. - Does this look like a cafe?
0:05:24 > 0:05:27- No.- No need to answer. It was a rhetorical question.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29I was in the guise of bad cop.
0:05:29 > 0:05:34Now, Rav, where were you on the night of 11th August 2014?
0:05:35 > 0:05:39- I don't know!- You were doing this.
0:05:39 > 0:05:43It's a photo of the night you learnt to tie your shoelaces, aged 28.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46Look how pleased you are with yourself.
0:05:46 > 0:05:51- Oh, very nice.- Are you proud of yourself?- Very!- You should be.
0:05:51 > 0:05:54Do you remember that time when you were so bad at dancing,
0:05:54 > 0:05:58you just laid down on the floor and had a jolly good laugh about it?
0:05:58 > 0:06:03- Do you like it?- Yeah.- Now, Rav, have you ever been undercover?
0:06:03 > 0:06:06- Yes.- Really?- Of course.
0:06:06 > 0:06:07I don't like being undercover.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09I prefer to sleep on top of the sheets.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11I have terrible night sweats,
0:06:11 > 0:06:14because my thermostat's on the blink.
0:06:14 > 0:06:16So, Rav, what's all this money laundering
0:06:16 > 0:06:18I've heard so much about?
0:06:18 > 0:06:23Money laundering's basically when criminals hide proceeds of crime
0:06:23 > 0:06:25under the name of a fake business.
0:06:25 > 0:06:30Between you and me, I think my mum's been laundering money.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32# Ba-baa-baa ba-baa
0:06:32 > 0:06:34# Ba-ba-ba. #
0:06:35 > 0:06:39- That's not money laundering! - Oh, but it is.
0:06:39 > 0:06:40She opened that laundry business
0:06:40 > 0:06:43to cover up all the cash she nicked from Herman.
0:06:43 > 0:06:49Oh, that gigantic £5, that was all I had in this world.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51One thing I like about crime shows
0:06:51 > 0:06:53is when they do those reconstructions.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56Tell me about them, Rav.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58Well, that's basically when we recreate an incident
0:06:58 > 0:07:01so that, hopefully, it will jog people's memories
0:07:01 > 0:07:04so they can get in touch if they remember what happened.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07Oooh. Let's reconstruct that question.
0:07:08 > 0:07:12Now, then, this reconstruction business, what is it?
0:07:12 > 0:07:13Well, we'd recreate an incident
0:07:13 > 0:07:16in the hope that it would jog people's memories
0:07:16 > 0:07:18so that they could get in touch.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20What he said.
0:07:20 > 0:07:21If you have any information
0:07:21 > 0:07:25that could lead to solving these terrible crimes against humour...
0:07:26 > 0:07:31..er, or you've seen the whereabouts of our telephone, then call...
0:07:31 > 0:07:34Oh, hang on, you can't, can you?
0:07:34 > 0:07:37Moving on... Rav, have you ever had a stakeout?
0:07:37 > 0:07:39I've worked on stakeouts.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41Wilf and I had a STEAK out last night.
0:07:41 > 0:07:46Mine was supposed to be medium rare, but the blighter singed it.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49Do you remember the time I judged your food on Celebrity MasterChef?
0:07:49 > 0:07:51No, I don't remember that.
0:07:51 > 0:07:56Feast your mince-pie eyes on this key lime pie, me old chai.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58No.
0:07:58 > 0:07:59Let's move on to this.
0:08:01 > 0:08:04I think it's perfectly balanced. I think it looks fantastic.
0:08:04 > 0:08:09- I really like it. Like, really, really like it.- Are you sure, John?
0:08:09 > 0:08:13It looks horrific. Oh, right, then. Let me have a go.
0:08:17 > 0:08:22Oh, it's harder than it looks, this. Gregg, can you take over, mate?
0:08:25 > 0:08:29Buttery, gingery biscuit, sweetness and lime sharpness as well.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31That is very, very yummy.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33- Thank you.- You could serve that up in a restaurant.
0:08:33 > 0:08:36- Are you sure, Gregg? It looks abominable.- Thank you.
0:08:36 > 0:08:39- Now, listen, how important is response time?- Oh, it's very...
0:08:39 > 0:08:42Too slow! I'm afraid you did not respond quickly enough,
0:08:42 > 0:08:46and that has put the life of this interview at risk, my dear.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48At risk, I tell you.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51You've risk-ed my interview and I will not allow it.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53Bad cop there kicking in again.
0:08:53 > 0:08:57Now, you've worked with all the emergency services on Hero Squad.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00Which is the best emergency service?
0:09:00 > 0:09:02I'm going to be biased.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05- I'll probably say the police. - Good choice, cocker.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08But my favourite emergency service is now the coastguard.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10I remember when Derek was a coastguard.
0:09:11 > 0:09:15Coastguard, there's someone in distress.
0:09:15 > 0:09:17Why are you running so slowly?
0:09:17 > 0:09:21It's me massive socks. They've become waterlogged.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26Now, Rav, fingerprints are important, aren't they?
0:09:26 > 0:09:28Oh, very, very important. Yes.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31Well, I've got my own finger-PRINCE.
0:09:31 > 0:09:38I need to leave. I have to attend the state opening of palm-liament.
0:09:38 > 0:09:42All right, go away. Get out of my sight. Back to cop stuff.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45I love it on your show when people's faces are blurred out
0:09:45 > 0:09:47because people don't want to be seen on the programme.
0:09:47 > 0:09:51Imagine not wanting to be seen on a television programme, Lolly.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53Yeah, imagine that.
0:09:53 > 0:09:56Lorraine, where's your loyalty?
0:09:56 > 0:09:59Wilding, you sicken me.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02Larry, cut away from these ungrateful so-and-sos.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04Get your magnifying glasses at the ready.
0:10:04 > 0:10:08It's time for the Ms Marbles Mysteries.
0:10:12 > 0:10:14- Hello. - MUTTERS
0:10:18 > 0:10:20Whoo-hoo!
0:10:24 > 0:10:26How do!
0:10:26 > 0:10:28You all right, yeah? Ahh!
0:10:28 > 0:10:30CRASH!
0:10:41 > 0:10:43WHISTLES JAUNTILY
0:10:43 > 0:10:47- I'd like a return ticket. - Oh, return, yeah. Well, here you go.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51Now, could you return it, please?
0:10:53 > 0:10:56- Where would you like to go? - How about Ramsbottom?
0:10:56 > 0:10:58Baa!
0:10:58 > 0:11:01No, not you. I was on about the place.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04Oh, sorry, madam. We don't do PLAICE.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06Only the trout.
0:11:06 > 0:11:11- These are very old jokes. - Yeah, they all got delayed at Crewe.
0:11:14 > 0:11:18Ms Marbles, what are you doing standing on this platform?
0:11:18 > 0:11:21Because I wasn't concentrating when I put my espadrilles on. Look.
0:11:21 > 0:11:22DISCO MUSIC PLAYS
0:11:22 > 0:11:26No. What are you doing standing on this station platform?
0:11:26 > 0:11:29Oh, because I'm travelling to the National Skirting Board Museum.
0:11:29 > 0:11:33They've got a special exhibit on bevelled chamfers. Yes!
0:11:33 > 0:11:36- Imagine such a thing! - Oh, well, mind how you go.
0:11:36 > 0:11:40We've reason to believe there's a... murmurer on the loose.
0:11:40 > 0:11:44- A...murmurer?- Yes. A murmurer.
0:11:44 > 0:11:48He's been terrorising the national railways for quite some time now.
0:11:48 > 0:11:49But what does this...
0:11:49 > 0:11:52- GULPS - ..murmurer do?
0:11:52 > 0:11:54Well...
0:11:54 > 0:11:57- He comes up to you slowly. - Really slowly.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00And he puts his hand on your shoulder.
0:12:00 > 0:12:04- He...- He what?
0:12:04 > 0:12:09- He murmurs really terrible jokes in your ear.- That sounds horrific.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12I don't think I'll ever get on a train again.
0:12:12 > 0:12:13WHISTLE BLOWS
0:12:13 > 0:12:18- All aboard.- Oh, look, a train. I must get on it.
0:12:18 > 0:12:22- Skirting boards, here I come. - TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS
0:12:22 > 0:12:26- Oh, Ms Marbles, there's something else I must tell you.- Yes?
0:12:26 > 0:12:29- Something I've been meaning to tell you for quite some time.- Yes?
0:12:29 > 0:12:35- Something that will have a great effect on your life.- Yes?
0:12:35 > 0:12:37TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS
0:12:37 > 0:12:40I found your suitcase. You left it on the platform.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49I wonder what he wanted.
0:12:50 > 0:12:53Ooh! This looks like a nice, friendly carriage.
0:12:55 > 0:12:59Ah! There we are. The murmurer will never get me here.
0:12:59 > 0:13:03I say, I say, I say.
0:13:03 > 0:13:07SCREAMS
0:13:07 > 0:13:12You're going to have to move, madam. These seats are reserved.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14- Are they?- I'm afraid we are.
0:13:14 > 0:13:18We're so reserved, we didn't like to say anything.
0:13:18 > 0:13:19Oh.
0:13:26 > 0:13:31Ah! Ha-ha! Well, the murmurer definitely won't strike here.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS
0:13:34 > 0:13:37Did you hear the one about the...
0:13:37 > 0:13:41SCREAMS
0:13:41 > 0:13:46- ..selection of refreshments we have on offer today?- Ohh!
0:13:46 > 0:13:48It's just another red herring.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50Hm? Oh, no.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53It's the trout from the ticket office.
0:13:53 > 0:13:56Well, at least there's still no sign of the murmurer.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59A funny thing happened to me on the way here.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01SCREAMS
0:14:01 > 0:14:04I found your suitcase on the platform.
0:14:04 > 0:14:09- I've been chasing this train for 78 miles.- Oh, Constable Haywain!
0:14:09 > 0:14:12- I knew it all along.- You knew?
0:14:12 > 0:14:16Yeah, I set the whole thing up, cocker.
0:14:16 > 0:14:20- Well, why?- So that you'd accompany me to the Skirting Board Museum.
0:14:20 > 0:14:24Now we can literally watch paint dry together.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26Still, at least there's no sign of that murmurer.
0:14:26 > 0:14:31I say, I say, I say. My dog has no nose.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34How does he smell?
0:14:34 > 0:14:35Of trout.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45Oh, I'd rather watch paint dry.
0:14:45 > 0:14:49Oh, I wonder what's been posted on YouBend today.
0:14:49 > 0:14:53- I saw a great fitness vlog earlier. - A fitness vlog?- Mm.
0:14:53 > 0:14:57- Well, that sounds strenuous. - It is. But it's sure worth it.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00Check out my biceps.
0:15:00 > 0:15:01Ohh.
0:15:01 > 0:15:05Hello, fitness fans. Today, I wanted to vlog about running.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07A lot of my followers often ask,
0:15:07 > 0:15:09"Dennis, how do you train to run a marathon?"
0:15:09 > 0:15:11Firstly, my name's not Dennis.
0:15:11 > 0:15:16Secondly, it's all about a spicy curry diet. The spicier, the better.
0:15:16 > 0:15:17Mm. I...
0:15:17 > 0:15:20I find that that works perfectly.
0:15:20 > 0:15:23I'm really sorry. I must away.
0:15:23 > 0:15:25Oooh-ooh-ooh!
0:15:25 > 0:15:28Hang on. What's eating all that curry got to do with exercise?
0:15:28 > 0:15:31Oh-ho! More than you think, Lorraine.
0:15:31 > 0:15:35Since I had that prawn bhuna, I haven't stopped running.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37To the toilet!
0:15:37 > 0:15:39Gotta dash. Hoo-hoo!
0:15:39 > 0:15:41Keep on running.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44Now, Rav, I've got a question for you.
0:15:44 > 0:15:48- Why won't you leave me alone in the past?- Eh?
0:15:48 > 0:15:51Well, I keep trying to do an honest day's ducking and diving.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54You know, like they used to do in the old films and that?
0:15:54 > 0:15:58- And you keep sticking your oar in. - I don't know what you're on about.
0:15:58 > 0:16:02Then I shall explain it to you via the medium of a little ditty of woe.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06- PIANO PLAYS - Hey.
0:16:08 > 0:16:12# I was just loitering on the high street one day
0:16:12 > 0:16:15# Looking for someone stupid to scam
0:16:16 > 0:16:20# When comes this likely lad just a-whistling along
0:16:20 > 0:16:23# I tried to sell him half a used ham
0:16:25 > 0:16:28# But it turned out he was a cop
0:16:28 > 0:16:32# He followed me, now I'm on the hop
0:16:32 > 0:16:36# Wilding's his name, he never stops
0:16:36 > 0:16:41# When he's around Well, my scams all flop
0:16:41 > 0:16:45# Fast forward to Sunday and I'm hanging around
0:16:45 > 0:16:48# Trying to flog someone this old stick
0:16:49 > 0:16:53# I look behind me and like a bad smell, he's there
0:16:53 > 0:16:57# To get one past Rav Wilding, be quick
0:16:57 > 0:17:00# I said to get one past Rav Wilding, be quick
0:17:00 > 0:17:04# All together now! To get one past Rav Wilding, be quick
0:17:04 > 0:17:06# Quick, quickety-quick, yes. #
0:17:06 > 0:17:08- Eh?- Hey!
0:17:08 > 0:17:11- Very good!- Good, wasn't it? So, stop sticking your nose in.
0:17:11 > 0:17:14In business completely unrelated to what you've just seen and heard,
0:17:14 > 0:17:17would you like to purchase some premium ham?
0:17:17 > 0:17:19Yeah, go on, then.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21Ha-ha! What a mug!
0:17:21 > 0:17:23Larry, what's coming up?
0:17:23 > 0:17:25Oh... I think it's the ham.
0:17:27 > 0:17:30This show is as complex as a three-year fraud investigation.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33And much less funny. Coming up...
0:17:33 > 0:17:36Rav says something unusual to himself.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39I think I've just smelt your parallelograms.
0:17:39 > 0:17:44- Hacker makes an exhibition of himself.- This won't distract anyone.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47And Wilf condemns himself.
0:17:47 > 0:17:50All this still to come on Hacker Time.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53Now, then, Rav, just explain this to me once more.
0:17:53 > 0:17:57- Someone who commits a cybercrime is called a...- Hacker.
0:17:57 > 0:17:58Just let me finish, will you?
0:17:58 > 0:18:01Somebody who breaks into a computer system is known as a...
0:18:01 > 0:18:04- Hacker.- Let me finish!
0:18:04 > 0:18:06BELL RINGS
0:18:06 > 0:18:09Nope, it's gone. Maybe some food will help.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11# La-la-la-la, grub. #
0:18:11 > 0:18:14Oooh. Oooh. Oooh. I hope it's tagine.
0:18:14 > 0:18:17Hacker? Guys? Guys!
0:18:22 > 0:18:25Wilf, everything's got to be perfect today. I've had a tip-off.
0:18:25 > 0:18:30- The food inspector's coming. - I've got a feeling he's nearby.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32I think you're right, Wilf. This might be him coming now.
0:18:34 > 0:18:38- I'll try the sponge and custard. - Oh, yes, he's going to like this.
0:18:38 > 0:18:42I bet he'll love it, I bet he does. Yeah, yeah.
0:18:42 > 0:18:45This custard is perfect.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47Oh! Eh!
0:18:47 > 0:18:49For a bit of grouting.
0:18:49 > 0:18:53Oh, does this mean we've failed the inspection, then?
0:18:53 > 0:18:56No! No, my dear lady. You've passed.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59But, Mr Food Inspector, I don't understand.
0:18:59 > 0:19:05I'm not the food inspector. Oh, no, no, no. I'm the building inspector.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08Oh, your wares are divine.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11Yes, I'd use your sponge for cement on my building site any day.
0:19:11 > 0:19:16But if you're the building inspector, who's the food inspector?
0:19:16 > 0:19:21- That's me, isn't it? I've done a course.- That makes no sense.
0:19:21 > 0:19:22Then neither will this.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24I'm shutting us down.
0:19:24 > 0:19:26Wilfred!
0:19:26 > 0:19:29Our livelihood!
0:19:29 > 0:19:32- Ohhh!- Oh, yeah.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34I'll fire up the van.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36BELL RINGS
0:19:36 > 0:19:39HE BURPS Oh, 'scuse I!
0:19:39 > 0:19:41Hacker Time is proud to present...
0:19:46 > 0:19:49Welcome to my survival guide. I'm Rav Wilding.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52And this is Hero And Zero.
0:19:52 > 0:19:56- I'm the hero.- Oh, great. I'm not going along with this.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59That implies I'm the zero, doesn't it? I'm not having it.
0:20:02 > 0:20:05Always make sure your nearest source of running water.
0:20:05 > 0:20:06WATER TRICKLES
0:20:06 > 0:20:10- As you can hear, we're near a mountain stream.- That's the ticket.
0:20:10 > 0:20:15- Just releasing all of this liquid. - Hacker!- Sorry, Rav.
0:20:15 > 0:20:19- I was just pouring a nice drink for you from this kettle.- Ohh! OK.
0:20:19 > 0:20:20- Thanks, Hacker.- That's all right.
0:20:20 > 0:20:24Now, hydration is very important, and this water has been filtered
0:20:24 > 0:20:26through layers and layers of mountain rock,
0:20:26 > 0:20:28so it's full of natural goodness.
0:20:28 > 0:20:31Yeah, that mountain water's had an extra level of filtering.
0:20:31 > 0:20:35- Through a dog. - Oh, Hacker!- It's all right, Rav.
0:20:40 > 0:20:44- It's very important to have three square meals a day.- Oh, no.
0:20:44 > 0:20:47I've only packed these parallelogram-shaped meals.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49I can't believe it.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52Well, cooking's a lot easier if you have gas.
0:20:52 > 0:20:56- Hacker, did you bring the gas? - No, I've got electric.
0:20:56 > 0:21:00GUITAR RIFF
0:21:00 > 0:21:04Hang on a minute. How are you powering that electric guitar?
0:21:04 > 0:21:09- Oh, using gas. - So you HAVE got gas?- Always, my dear.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12PARP
0:21:12 > 0:21:13RAV GROANS
0:21:13 > 0:21:17Hacker! I think I've just smelt your parallelograms.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25Stars can be really important for navigation.
0:21:25 > 0:21:29- If you look up, you can see Orion's Belt.- Hang on.
0:21:29 > 0:21:32If that's Orion's Belt, how do his trousers stay up?
0:21:34 > 0:21:36Oh! Now I can see the moon.
0:21:43 > 0:21:46At night, make sure you've got a sleeping bag.
0:21:46 > 0:21:49I don't know how this is helping.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51SNORING Ohh!
0:21:51 > 0:21:55Well, for a little extra comfort, you can also use an inflatable bed.
0:21:55 > 0:21:59- But first, you just need to blow it up.- Done and done.
0:22:02 > 0:22:06Now you've really gone and done it. You've woken up the sleeping bag!
0:22:06 > 0:22:10Oh! I've just had a terrible nightmare.
0:22:10 > 0:22:12I was on Hacker Time.
0:22:12 > 0:22:14Thank you!
0:22:16 > 0:22:20If you like second-rate imitation then you'll love this.
0:22:20 > 0:22:23It's the Quarter Past 4 O'Clock Club.
0:22:25 > 0:22:29- Ah, it's all right, this, innit, eh?- Josh, what on earth is that?
0:22:29 > 0:22:32I think it's a haddock sandwich.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34No, this haircut.
0:22:34 > 0:22:38- You know it breaks all the rules. - Oh, get over it.
0:22:38 > 0:22:40# In the classroom it's the only way
0:22:40 > 0:22:42# To show the world my personality
0:22:42 > 0:22:45# So now, thanks, we've had enough talk
0:22:45 > 0:22:47# About my atomic purple mohawk
0:22:47 > 0:22:49# Bad news for you, Josh You know the rule
0:22:49 > 0:22:52# Haircuts aren't allowed to distract the whole school
0:22:52 > 0:22:54# Uniform's important I have to stress
0:22:54 > 0:22:57# But, seriously, mate You look like a mess
0:22:57 > 0:22:58# I look like a mess? Ha! As if!
0:22:58 > 0:23:01# You wouldn't say that about Jedward's quiffs
0:23:01 > 0:23:03# Wacky haircuts are simply top-notch
0:23:03 > 0:23:06# If you don't believe me, huargh! Just watch
0:23:06 > 0:23:08# Oh, yeah, we all love hair
0:23:08 > 0:23:10# Style it up like you just don't care
0:23:10 > 0:23:12# Mullets, Afros and even curls
0:23:12 > 0:23:15# What about plaits like Cumberland swirls?
0:23:15 > 0:23:17# Get your blow dryer and a comb at once
0:23:17 > 0:23:19# Wear a pineapple on your bonce
0:23:19 > 0:23:21# Make those people stop and stare
0:23:21 > 0:23:24# At your finely waxed and blow-dried coiffure
0:23:24 > 0:23:26# Thanks for the lesson on hair and style
0:23:26 > 0:23:28# But that beehive breaks the rules by a country mile
0:23:28 > 0:23:31# It's putting the class off A total eyesore
0:23:31 > 0:23:33# Get to the barber's by half past four
0:23:33 > 0:23:35# Think short back and sides Not French Revolution
0:23:35 > 0:23:37# In the meantime We need a solution
0:23:37 > 0:23:40# If it's a problem I'll put on my hat
0:23:40 > 0:23:42# Great idea, do just that. #
0:23:42 > 0:23:43HORN HONKS
0:23:43 > 0:23:46This won't distract anyone.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48HORN HONKS
0:23:50 > 0:23:51Ladies and gentlemen,
0:23:51 > 0:23:56hold on to your hats as we come to the gripping climax of today's show,
0:23:56 > 0:23:59the quiz that we like to call...
0:23:59 > 0:24:01Sit On My Lav-Lav And Answer Some Questions.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08TOILET FLUSHES
0:24:08 > 0:24:12Rav, the rules of this game are simple. All you have to do is...
0:24:15 > 0:24:16TOILET FLUSHES
0:24:16 > 0:24:19..sit on the bog and answer some questions.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21The time will end when you hear this sound.
0:24:21 > 0:24:24Oh, why did you wake me up?
0:24:24 > 0:24:28- Are you ready?- Ready. - In that case, start the clock.
0:24:28 > 0:24:32In the police force, what's a PC?
0:24:32 > 0:24:34A police constable.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36No, sorry, it's a computer, obviously.
0:24:36 > 0:24:39Herman has disguised this piece of sporting equipment
0:24:39 > 0:24:41as a famous crime-fighter, but who is it?
0:24:41 > 0:24:46- Batman. - No, it's Super Cricket Utensil.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48Go away, Herman. Good, that, wasn't it?
0:24:48 > 0:24:50Complete this well-known catchphrase.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52Goodnight and don't have...
0:24:52 > 0:24:55- Nightmares.- No. It's "the cheeseboard before bedtime".
0:24:55 > 0:24:57It's now time for the music round.
0:24:57 > 0:25:01Welcome my chum, and soon to be yours - Accordion George.
0:25:01 > 0:25:03# It's Accordion George
0:25:03 > 0:25:06# Accy G, acc, acc, acc. #
0:25:06 > 0:25:09You, Rav, must guess what popular tune he's playing.
0:25:09 > 0:25:11Take it away, the big G.
0:25:11 > 0:25:14ACCORDION GEORGE PLAYS A POP TUNE
0:25:24 > 0:25:28Well done, Accy G, that was atrocious. Rav, what was that?
0:25:28 > 0:25:29It's, um...
0:25:29 > 0:25:31- It's on the tip of my tongue. - Let's have a look.
0:25:31 > 0:25:34# The players gonna play, play, play, play, play
0:25:34 > 0:25:37# And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
0:25:37 > 0:25:39# Shake it off, shake it off... #
0:25:39 > 0:25:42The correct answer was Shake It Off by Taylor Swift.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44You were very, very bad at that,
0:25:44 > 0:25:46but to be fair, Accy G was rubbish playing that.
0:25:46 > 0:25:50Have you got cream cheese forced into your air bag or something?
0:25:50 > 0:25:54You want to get that thing MOTed. Get away! And take your stool.
0:25:54 > 0:25:57I'm shaking you off like Taylor Swift should have done. Right...
0:25:57 > 0:26:00Porridge and bird are other names for what?
0:26:00 > 0:26:02A prison sentence.
0:26:02 > 0:26:05No, it was oatmeal and ornithological creatures.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07- Oh, why did you wake me up? - That's the end.
0:26:07 > 0:26:08That's the end of the thing.
0:26:08 > 0:26:12- That means you've won tonight's star prize.- Yay!
0:26:12 > 0:26:15Six premium crisps in various states of decay.
0:26:15 > 0:26:18Flavours will vary. Crisps stale. Bag not included.
0:26:18 > 0:26:20- Brilliant, thank you(!)- Yeah.
0:26:20 > 0:26:24Well, it's your lucky day, Rav, because you've also won a holiday.
0:26:24 > 0:26:28- Yay!- Yes, a day trip for one to the sewers 'neath the studio.
0:26:28 > 0:26:30Have you got any last words before you go, Rav?
0:26:32 > 0:26:34Hey-hey! Herman, flush him away.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37TOILET FLUSHES
0:26:37 > 0:26:40What a delightful talking bag of muscles that was.
0:26:40 > 0:26:42I would have loved to have chatted for longer,
0:26:42 > 0:26:45but I must away to purloin a sheet of medium-density fibreboard
0:26:45 > 0:26:47and some appropriate sealant.
0:26:47 > 0:26:51But first, I shall sing my terrible song. Join in if you know the words.
0:26:56 > 0:26:58# That is it for now The end of the show
0:26:58 > 0:27:01# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go
0:27:01 > 0:27:03# I'll see you next time on this show of mine
0:27:03 > 0:27:05# Put it in your diary - it's called Hacker Time
0:27:05 > 0:27:08# It's been amazing We've been larking around
0:27:08 > 0:27:10# The whole programme cost just under a pound
0:27:10 > 0:27:12# Watch again next time cos we've got much more
0:27:12 > 0:27:15# There'll be tons of other funny stuff - it will be top drawer
0:27:15 > 0:27:20# Rav Wilding, the former cop, helped me out with a camping guide
0:27:20 > 0:27:23# We learnt how to navigate and I made him a lovely drink
0:27:23 > 0:27:25# Which was a moment of personal pride
0:27:25 > 0:27:27# That is it for now The end of the show
0:27:27 > 0:27:29# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go
0:27:29 > 0:27:32# I'll see you next time on this show of mine
0:27:32 > 0:27:34# Put it in your diary - it's called Hacker Time
0:27:34 > 0:27:37# Put it in your diary - it's called Hacker Time
0:27:37 > 0:27:39# That is the end of today's Hacker Time. #
0:27:39 > 0:27:42If you've been affected by any of the jokes in this episode
0:27:42 > 0:27:44then congratulations!