0:00:02 > 0:00:05Hacker Time is filmed before a colony of wise dolphins.
0:00:06 > 0:00:08Hoo-hoo!
0:00:09 > 0:00:10What are you lot up to?
0:00:10 > 0:00:14If you must know, we're about to put on our new workout DVD.
0:00:14 > 0:00:19- Press play, Herman, you've got the best hands for it.- Here we go.
0:00:19 > 0:00:23- DVD:- First of all, take hold of your leg.
0:00:23 > 0:00:26Massage vigorously to make sure it's nice and tender.
0:00:26 > 0:00:30Oh, yeah, I can feel the tension melting away!
0:00:31 > 0:00:34Then rub it with lots of garlic, rosemary and thyme.
0:00:34 > 0:00:36Odd, but very well.
0:00:36 > 0:00:40Finally, stand in a large pan of simmering gravy for three hours.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43Well, this all makes complete sense. Come on.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46- Hang on, hang on...- What?
0:00:46 > 0:00:49You're watching the wrong DVD, you mooies.
0:00:49 > 0:00:52This is How To Cook A Leg of Lamb.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55Wait a minute, if we're watching this,
0:00:55 > 0:00:58then by the rules of comedy, that means...
0:00:58 > 0:01:02And one, two, three, four. Feel the burn, two, three, four.
0:01:03 > 0:01:08This is the best recipe ever. Oh!
0:01:08 > 0:01:10Oh, me triceps.
0:01:13 > 0:01:15You going to watch this?
0:01:17 > 0:01:18You gotta watch this!
0:01:20 > 0:01:22You gotta watch this!
0:01:23 > 0:01:26- HE RAPS:- My, my, my programme hits you
0:01:26 > 0:01:27So hard
0:01:27 > 0:01:29Makes me say, "Oh, my word!"
0:01:29 > 0:01:30Thank you for watching me
0:01:30 > 0:01:32It's telly, but not what you normally see
0:01:32 > 0:01:34It feels good, there's outtakes too
0:01:34 > 0:01:36Comedy, guests and clips, it's true
0:01:36 > 0:01:38So sit back - don't move too much
0:01:38 > 0:01:40This is the show - ah! - you can't touch.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42Stop! Hacker Time.
0:01:42 > 0:01:43Thank you.
0:01:43 > 0:01:49Stand by, everyone, we're on air in five, four,
0:01:49 > 0:01:52three, two, one...
0:01:52 > 0:01:56- Go away!- He's a cheeky one.
0:01:56 > 0:01:57Cue Larry.
0:01:57 > 0:02:01Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together then pull them
0:02:01 > 0:02:04apart for your host, Hacker T Dog!
0:02:06 > 0:02:07You all right, cockers?
0:02:07 > 0:02:09Today's guest is a career criminal who finds
0:02:09 > 0:02:12himself in front of judges every week.
0:02:12 > 0:02:13Objection, Your Honour!
0:02:13 > 0:02:17He finds himself in front of judges on a TV talent show.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19Objection overruled!
0:02:19 > 0:02:22And for that, I sentence you to 12 years' imprisonment.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27I've only meself to blame, ho-ho.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30Anyway, said guest will be arriving any minute.
0:02:30 > 0:02:31I better go and hide the silverware.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34PHONE RINGS
0:02:35 > 0:02:38Hi, I'm Kevin Clifton, I'm here to record Strictly Come Dancing.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40Oh, yes, if you'd step into the booth, please, we've got
0:02:40 > 0:02:43- to do a picture for your pass. - Oh, no, I've got my pass already.
0:02:43 > 0:02:48- No, I've got my picture! - Shut the curtains, shut the doors.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50Ah.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53Argh!
0:02:53 > 0:02:55Done. He-he-he!
0:02:55 > 0:02:56Aaah!
0:03:00 > 0:03:02HE WHISTLES
0:03:02 > 0:03:03Argh!
0:03:03 > 0:03:09Please welcome Strictly Come Dancing professional Kevin Clifton!
0:03:11 > 0:03:14Welcome to Hacker Time, Kevin!
0:03:14 > 0:03:16No, no, no, Susanna Reid's told me all about this show.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18I'm not having anything to do with it, I'm off.
0:03:18 > 0:03:23No, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin... If you stay, I'll let you do the salsa.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26- Oh, I like a bit of salsa, yeah! - Good. Herman?
0:03:26 > 0:03:29I've brought the tortillas, now you're going to do the salsa.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32And I want those tomatoes checking for plumpness, while you're at it.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34Give them a nice squeeze.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37Meanwhile, let's find out more about your alleged life.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39Derek, the fact file.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42I hope this means I get time off for good behaviour. Ugh...
0:03:44 > 0:03:48Kevin Clifton, or Kevin From Grimsby, is a professional dancer.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51He's been in the Strictly finals twice but has never been lucky
0:03:51 > 0:03:54because he keeps opening his brolly indoors.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56Kevin has to wear lots of make-up
0:03:56 > 0:03:59because in real life he looks very different.
0:03:59 > 0:04:03His hobbies include baking and breaking sofas,
0:04:03 > 0:04:07and that's nothing you need to know about Kevin "From Grimsby" Clifton.
0:04:07 > 0:04:08Hoo-hoo!
0:04:10 > 0:04:14- What a dull life you've led, eh, Kev?- Oh, thanks very much.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16Well, things are about to get a lot duller now, cocker.
0:04:16 > 0:04:20Larry, tell us what's coming up on the show. Oh, and, Kevin?
0:04:20 > 0:04:22Keeeeep dicing!
0:04:24 > 0:04:27Don't go cha-cha-cha-changing channels,
0:04:27 > 0:04:30because today's Hacker Time is all about dance!
0:04:31 > 0:04:35Coming up, Kevin has a problem with his undergarments...
0:04:35 > 0:04:37- All about the hips. - All about the hips?
0:04:37 > 0:04:39All right, Kev, sit down now, you're startling me.
0:04:39 > 0:04:43..Ms Marbles has a narrow escape with a marrow...
0:04:43 > 0:04:47Run! Argh!
0:04:47 > 0:04:49..and Hacker asks his toughest question yet.
0:04:49 > 0:04:54Everyone knows you as Kevin From Grimsby. Why's that?
0:04:54 > 0:04:56All this and more on Hacker Time.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00Well, it looks like this show is set to be a disaaaster,
0:05:00 > 0:05:04- daaarling, don't you think so? - I hope not.- Ha-ha-ha!
0:05:04 > 0:05:08Right, time for your big interview. Are you ready, Kevy Baby?
0:05:08 > 0:05:13- I'm ready, Hacker Baby.- All right, don't get personal. Question one.
0:05:13 > 0:05:17You're an expert dancer, aren't you? But what's your favourite move?
0:05:17 > 0:05:21My favourite move is the batucadas. They're a samba move.
0:05:21 > 0:05:23No, what's your favourite chess move?
0:05:23 > 0:05:26Mine's knight to queen's bishop four.
0:05:26 > 0:05:30I wouldn't even know what that is, to be honest.
0:05:30 > 0:05:33Me neither! It was just a joke.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36Seriously, though, what is your favourite move?
0:05:36 > 0:05:40- Yeah, my favourite move is the batucadas.- No, you misheard me again.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42I said, what's your favourite mauve?
0:05:42 > 0:05:44I'm having a vestibule painted
0:05:44 > 0:05:47and I need your advice - burnt fuchsia or lilac nightmare?
0:05:47 > 0:05:50- Which one's burnt fuchsia?- It's just a gag, innit, cocker? I'm not...
0:05:50 > 0:05:52I don't even know what a vestibule is.
0:05:52 > 0:05:56- Neither do I!- Seriously, Kevin, what's your favourite move?
0:05:56 > 0:06:00- My favourite move is the batucadas. - Ooh! Let's see it, then.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02- You really want to see it? - Yeah, I do, yeah.
0:06:02 > 0:06:05- All right, the batucadas go like this.- Go on.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07It's all about the hips. It's right here.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10- All about the hips. - All about the hips?
0:06:10 > 0:06:13All right, Kev, sit down now, you're startling me.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15- We all know the hips don't lie.- These hips don't lie.
0:06:15 > 0:06:19- That was the best move I've ever seen, cocker.- Oh, thanks very much.
0:06:19 > 0:06:20I'm glad you're enjoying yourself.
0:06:20 > 0:06:24Now, I've seen you do the jive, I've seen you do the rumba,
0:06:24 > 0:06:28but have you ever had a case of the foxtrots?
0:06:28 > 0:06:31Oh, oh, oh! I've got a terrible case of the foxtrots.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34I shouldn't have had that pasty at lunchtime.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36- HE FARTS - Oh, excuse me.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38Oh, looks like he's doing the quickstep!
0:06:38 > 0:06:41TOILET FLUSHES
0:06:41 > 0:06:43Oh, I think he just PASSED-A-DOBLE.
0:06:45 > 0:06:49Hey, do you remember that time that I ran amok on Strictly?
0:06:49 > 0:06:50Erm, not really, no.
0:06:50 > 0:06:54Well, take a look at this with your withered old eyes.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57I'm down under this desk looking for a new chair leg.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59Can't believe mine's run out already.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04This'll be perfect. It's going to be a perfect match.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06La-la-la... Grrr!
0:07:10 > 0:07:13Now to find some strong adhesive. La-la-la!
0:07:15 > 0:07:18- Ha-hey! What do you think of that, cocker?- That was you all along?
0:07:18 > 0:07:20It was me all along.
0:07:20 > 0:07:25Now, moving on. Everyone knows you as Kevin From Grimsby.
0:07:25 > 0:07:26- That's right.- Why's that?
0:07:26 > 0:07:31- Well, because my name's Kevin and I'm from Grimsby.- Oh, what a coincidence!
0:07:31 > 0:07:34Your name's Kevin From Grimsby and you're from Grimsby!
0:07:34 > 0:07:39- What are the chances?- Actually, Hacker, his name is Kevin Clifton.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42Don't contradict me, Derek From The Republic Of Macedonia!
0:07:42 > 0:07:44I'm sending you back to prison.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49Just as well. I wasn't adjusting to life on the outside.
0:07:49 > 0:07:53- So, Kevin Clifton, if that is your real name...- Yeah, it is.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56Are you related to the Clifton Suspension Bridge?
0:07:56 > 0:07:58Er, not blood related, no.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01Are you related to your Strictly partner, Frankie Bridge?
0:08:01 > 0:08:02No.
0:08:02 > 0:08:07Are you related to Len Goodman's favourite bridge, the Severn Bridge?
0:08:07 > 0:08:08No, no, I'm not.
0:08:08 > 0:08:11Now, when someone can't dance, you say they've got two left feet,
0:08:11 > 0:08:14but have you ever seen two right feet?
0:08:14 > 0:08:17You two, when was the Battle of Hastings?
0:08:17 > 0:08:19- 1066.- You're both right.
0:08:20 > 0:08:24I think we can all agree that that was an excellent joke.
0:08:24 > 0:08:28- Actually, it wasn't.- Huh, you're both right - again. Now, go away.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31Kevin, you're used to being judged on Strictly,
0:08:31 > 0:08:35so let's judge your performance in this interview.
0:08:35 > 0:08:36OK.
0:08:36 > 0:08:40Answering the next ill-prepared question, Kevin From Grimsby.
0:08:40 > 0:08:44Ahem. What's your favourite colour?
0:08:44 > 0:08:49- My favourite colour is blue. - Thank you. Let's see how you did.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52- STRICTLY THEME PLAYS - The judges' votes are in. Lolly.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54Zero.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57- Derek.- Seveeeeen!
0:08:57 > 0:08:58Wilf.
0:08:58 > 0:09:00A leg of lamb.
0:09:00 > 0:09:03STRICTLY THEME STOPS Huh?
0:09:03 > 0:09:05That means I've got the casting vote
0:09:05 > 0:09:09and I'm afraid to say I didn't like your answer...
0:09:09 > 0:09:11- I loved it...- Yes!
0:09:11 > 0:09:14..so much that I actually hated it...
0:09:14 > 0:09:16so much that I actually loved...
0:09:16 > 0:09:19- Yes!- ..hating it...- Oh...
0:09:19 > 0:09:21..so much so that I thought it was...
0:09:21 > 0:09:24fab-u-lous!
0:09:24 > 0:09:28- Oh, no, it wasn't. - You're both right - again.
0:09:28 > 0:09:32It was terrible, Kevin. I think you better stick to what you do best.
0:09:32 > 0:09:37- All right.- Now, would Kevin From Grimsby please take to the floor...
0:09:37 > 0:09:39with a mop?
0:09:39 > 0:09:41Those foxtrots have gone everywhere!
0:09:41 > 0:09:43Always end on a toilet gag.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45Larry, cut to summat else.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48Get your magnifying glasses at the ready,
0:09:48 > 0:09:51it's time for the Ms Marbles Mysteries.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58Hello. Who's...? Don't know who that is.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03Whoo-hoo!
0:10:08 > 0:10:10How do?
0:10:10 > 0:10:11You all right?
0:10:11 > 0:10:14- Argh! - CRASH
0:10:22 > 0:10:24SQUELCH
0:10:29 > 0:10:31Cha-cha-cha, whoo-hoo!
0:10:31 > 0:10:35Time to see who's grown the largest produce.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38Will it be Wiffy Bob's giant eggplant?
0:10:38 > 0:10:40AUDIENCE: Ah!
0:10:40 > 0:10:42Will it be Wilf's enormous LEAK?
0:10:42 > 0:10:44TOILET FLUSHES
0:10:44 > 0:10:46Oh, that's better.
0:10:46 > 0:10:50Will it be Constable Haywain's humungous butternut squash?
0:10:50 > 0:10:55- AUDIENCE: Ooh!- Or will it be Ms Marbles's impressive marrow?
0:10:55 > 0:10:58Impressively small, that is. Hoo-hoo!
0:10:58 > 0:11:00THEY LAUGH
0:11:00 > 0:11:03Just face it, Ms Marbles, you're not going to win this year.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06That's what you think. Look!
0:11:07 > 0:11:09I don't understand. Have you been using
0:11:09 > 0:11:12industrial strength growth formula again?
0:11:12 > 0:11:13No.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16Oh, how did that get there? That must... Did you do that?
0:11:16 > 0:11:19Ms Marbles, look out! It's mutating!
0:11:20 > 0:11:22Yeah, you're right.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24Run! Argh!
0:11:28 > 0:11:30Grrph. Grrr!
0:11:30 > 0:11:33- Ah!- Ah!
0:11:33 > 0:11:35Grrr.
0:11:35 > 0:11:36Ah!
0:11:38 > 0:11:40Ha-ha-ha.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43Grah, grah! Ha-ha-ha.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46Ah!
0:11:49 > 0:11:51- Ah!- Ah!
0:11:52 > 0:11:54Ah!
0:12:06 > 0:12:08Ah!
0:12:08 > 0:12:11Oh, cake!
0:12:11 > 0:12:14- Ha-ha-ha.- Ah, marrow!
0:12:16 > 0:12:17- Oof!- Ah!
0:12:17 > 0:12:19Oh, look at the state.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22This situation couldn't get any worse, no, it couldn't.
0:12:22 > 0:12:26I'm afraid it could. Now there's a giant chicken in the village.
0:12:28 > 0:12:32That's a real chicken in the model village, you fool.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34Oh, yeah! Ha-ha.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38Ms Marbles, what are we going to do about this marrow?
0:12:38 > 0:12:42There's only one thing we can do. Grah!
0:12:42 > 0:12:45Now, pass me that industrial strength love potion.
0:12:49 > 0:12:53- Here goes.- Quick, it's gaining on us!- Grrr, grah.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01Grrah, rah...
0:13:04 > 0:13:06# Send your love, my darling
0:13:06 > 0:13:08# Send your love... #
0:13:13 > 0:13:14It's just so beautiful.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19At last, we can all go back to living in peace, Ms Marbles.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22That's unless you've got some of that love potion splashed all over you.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25But that could never happen, could it, Ms Marbles?
0:13:26 > 0:13:27Ms Marbles.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30Ms Marbles?
0:13:31 > 0:13:33Ms Marbles, no!
0:13:40 > 0:13:43Well, that's quite enough of that.
0:13:43 > 0:13:48You know what, Derek? I watched the funniest YouBend video yesterday.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50Hoo-hoo! What was it? The one of the sneezing owl?
0:13:50 > 0:13:54That's my favourite of all time. "Ah-choo!" it goes.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57No, it's an audition fail from my favourite show,
0:13:57 > 0:14:02I'm A Strictly Voice Factor Idol, Get Me Into There On Ice.
0:14:02 > 0:14:07- Oh, it's hilarious!- Oh, stick it on. Click it, click it on, come on.
0:14:07 > 0:14:08# Don't care who you are
0:14:08 > 0:14:10# Where you're from
0:14:10 > 0:14:11# What you did
0:14:11 > 0:14:13# As long as you love me. #
0:14:13 > 0:14:17- Can I just stop you there? That was dreadful.- Oh!
0:14:17 > 0:14:21Not only are you out of tune, you're a mushroom!
0:14:21 > 0:14:24Does this mean I'm not through to the judges' houses?
0:14:24 > 0:14:28Well, as we've only had two auditionees, we've got no choice.
0:14:28 > 0:14:32You're through to the live boot camp battle finals...
0:14:32 > 0:14:33on ice!
0:14:33 > 0:14:36Ah!
0:14:36 > 0:14:41Oh, Lolly. That was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.
0:14:41 > 0:14:46What are you talking about? He couldn't sing and he was a mushroom.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48Not him, I was talking about the judge's harsh
0:14:48 > 0:14:52and insulting comments. They were just so beautifully worded. Hoo!
0:14:52 > 0:14:57I'm getting quite emotional. Oh, lovely words. So emotional.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00Why do I still work here?
0:15:00 > 0:15:03Kevin, I love that programme you're on, but tell me, how do they
0:15:03 > 0:15:07decide who goes through to boot camp and what's Simon Cowell really like?
0:15:07 > 0:15:10No, no, that's the wrong show. I'm on Strictly Come Dancing.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12Strictly? Ho-ho, I love that show too, yeah.
0:15:12 > 0:15:14My favourite's the evil super-villain
0:15:14 > 0:15:16who sits next to Darcey.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18Is he yours?
0:15:18 > 0:15:21Oh, Craig Revel Horwood? Yeah, he's a bit nasty, him.
0:15:21 > 0:15:22He is, isn't he?
0:15:22 > 0:15:25I've actually written a song about Strictly. Do you want to hear it?
0:15:25 > 0:15:28- Not really, no.- Well, you have no choice in the matter, sir!
0:15:28 > 0:15:30Music, please...
0:15:30 > 0:15:32UPBEAT LATIN MUSIC PLAYS
0:15:37 > 0:15:39# When I'm feeling blue
0:15:39 > 0:15:43# There is a programme that will get me through
0:15:43 > 0:15:48# A ballroom dancing show where famous people in fake tan
0:15:48 > 0:15:51# Fight against nature's cruel plans
0:15:51 > 0:15:54# The show is never boring
0:15:54 > 0:15:57# They've got a dance floor made of vinyl flooring
0:15:57 > 0:16:02# And there's a woman who stares through a fringe six metres thick
0:16:02 > 0:16:06# And tries to read the autocue
0:16:06 > 0:16:08# Then there's the judges, yes
0:16:08 > 0:16:10# I think they are ace
0:16:10 > 0:16:11# Darcey Bussell, mmm
0:16:11 > 0:16:13# She's brimming with grace
0:16:13 > 0:16:14# Leonard Goodman
0:16:14 > 0:16:16# He's got a long face
0:16:16 > 0:16:18# And as for Bruno Tonioli
0:16:18 > 0:16:20# I think he has worms
0:16:20 > 0:16:23# But the best, it seems
0:16:23 > 0:16:26# Is the one called Craig who stamps on dreams
0:16:26 > 0:16:29# By criticising even good routines
0:16:29 > 0:16:34# And creating an atmosphere of low self-esteem
0:16:34 > 0:16:38# It truly is the best light entertainment programme
0:16:38 > 0:16:41# On all of television, apart from Hacker Time
0:16:41 > 0:16:46# They call it...
0:16:47 > 0:16:50# The Voice! #
0:16:50 > 0:16:52What do you think of that, cocker?
0:16:52 > 0:16:55I want you to be as brutally honest as Craig.
0:16:55 > 0:16:56No criticism can hurt me.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59Honestly, it was terrible. You got the show wrong again!
0:16:59 > 0:17:03How could you? That criticism really hurt me!
0:17:03 > 0:17:06Larry, tell us what's coming up.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09You, sir, are...a...monster!
0:17:09 > 0:17:10HE SOBS
0:17:10 > 0:17:12Thanks, Hacker.
0:17:12 > 0:17:16This show's got more strands than Claudia Winkleman's fringe.
0:17:17 > 0:17:22- Coming up, Kevin gets judgmental... - Order, order!
0:17:22 > 0:17:25..Mrs Breadbin starts playing with her food...
0:17:25 > 0:17:28SHE SLURPS
0:17:28 > 0:17:31..and Hacker is finally stuck for words.
0:17:31 > 0:17:34Are you chewing gum in my class? Again?
0:17:34 > 0:17:36HE TRIES TO SPEAK
0:17:36 > 0:17:39All this still to come on Hacker Time.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42Oh, what a load of old tat we've got in store, eh?
0:17:42 > 0:17:45Now, Kevin, there's one thing I've always wanted to know about you,
0:17:45 > 0:17:46something everyone should know.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48What I want to ask you is...
0:17:48 > 0:17:51- BELL RINGS - Oh!
0:17:51 > 0:17:53Lunch time. See you!
0:17:53 > 0:17:55Oh, I hope it's not square plates.
0:17:58 > 0:17:59Where's everyone gone?
0:18:04 > 0:18:06Wilfred, how's that lamb coming along?
0:18:06 > 0:18:10Oh, not sure, love, but I think I've strained me deltoid.
0:18:10 > 0:18:11Ah!
0:18:11 > 0:18:14- Quick, that new runner's coming. - Oh, yeah.
0:18:14 > 0:18:17I've heard he's a right fussy eater.
0:18:17 > 0:18:22- Yes, love, what can I get you? - Erm, a chicken Caesar salad, please.
0:18:22 > 0:18:24- There you go. - But without the, erm, chicken.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30Erm... And the Caesar dressing.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32SHE SLURPS
0:18:35 > 0:18:36And the croutons.
0:18:39 > 0:18:40And the lettuce.
0:18:46 > 0:18:47Would you be wanting the plate?
0:18:47 > 0:18:50Oh, no, thanks, I couldn't eat a whole one.
0:18:50 > 0:18:52PLATE SHATTERS
0:18:52 > 0:18:54- Can you believe that?- I know!
0:18:54 > 0:18:56He forgot his pudding.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59I'll fire up the van.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01BELL RINGS
0:19:01 > 0:19:03HE BURPS
0:19:03 > 0:19:07And now, we present TV's latest celebrity judge,
0:19:07 > 0:19:11Kevin Clifton in Strictly Come Adjudicating.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17You've already done this gag -
0:19:17 > 0:19:19Strictly doesn't have this kind of judge.
0:19:19 > 0:19:23Just go with it, it'll be hilarious...in a way.
0:19:23 > 0:19:24OK.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27Call the defendant.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29The defendant!
0:19:29 > 0:19:32- I mean, put him in the dock. - I'm already in the dock.
0:19:32 > 0:19:35- When does the boat leave? - BOOING
0:19:35 > 0:19:38Hacker T Dog, you stand accused of crimes against comedy.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40- How do you plead?- Like this...
0:19:40 > 0:19:44Please don't send me to prison, Your Worship! I'll do anything, anything!
0:19:44 > 0:19:46Order, order!
0:19:46 > 0:19:50Very well. Two spicy chicken pizzas, please.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52Will somebody please read out the charges?
0:19:52 > 0:19:57I'll do it. Spicy chicken pizza, £7.90 for a 12-inch.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59I mean the CRIMINAL charges.
0:19:59 > 0:20:03These charges ARE criminal! 75p for extra anchovies?
0:20:03 > 0:20:05Grrr!
0:20:05 > 0:20:06Call the first witness.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08The first witness!
0:20:11 > 0:20:16- Please state your name. - Anne From Eccles.- Occupation?
0:20:16 > 0:20:19- Hacker Time viewer. - Oh, YOU'RE the one!- Hmph.
0:20:19 > 0:20:21- Now, what's your complaint?- Well...
0:20:21 > 0:20:24I've been constipated for seven days.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26No, your complaint against the accused.
0:20:26 > 0:20:30Oh, well, he tells the most terrible jokes, Your Honour.
0:20:30 > 0:20:34They're horrific, horrific, I tell you! Oh, the humanity.
0:20:34 > 0:20:38Very well. Let's hear one of these "jokes", then.
0:20:38 > 0:20:42Very well, Your Maj. Why did the chicken cross the road?
0:20:42 > 0:20:45I don't know. Why did the chicken cross the road?
0:20:45 > 0:20:48It was on the pizza that I just had delivered.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51La-la-la-la-la-la, jokes.
0:20:51 > 0:20:52I think it's time the jury retired.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55This sketch has gone on so long they're all ancient.
0:20:55 > 0:20:56Look at the state of him.
0:20:56 > 0:21:01So, Your Royal Kevness, how long am I going to prison for?
0:21:01 > 0:21:03There's only one person who can decide that.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05Len, how many years should I give him?
0:21:05 > 0:21:06Seveeeeen!
0:21:06 > 0:21:09But on the bright side, you probably won't finish your sentence.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11Oh, thanks very much.
0:21:11 > 0:21:14However, for that awful gag, I'm adding an extra 100 years.
0:21:14 > 0:21:18- Guards, send him down. - How could this day get any worse?
0:21:18 > 0:21:23I'm afraid it could. My constipation is cured.
0:21:23 > 0:21:26SHE FARTS
0:21:26 > 0:21:28I've said it before and I'll say it again -
0:21:28 > 0:21:30always end with a toilet gag.
0:21:30 > 0:21:34So, remember, everybody, keeeeep trumping!
0:21:34 > 0:21:36THEY FART THE STRICTLY THEME
0:21:39 > 0:21:43Oh, it smells of spicy chicken! Buk-buk-buk.
0:21:43 > 0:21:47If you like second-rate imitation, then you'll love this!
0:21:47 > 0:21:49It's the Quarter Past 4 O'Clock Club.
0:21:53 > 0:21:57Josh, are you chewing gum in my class? Again?
0:21:57 > 0:22:00HE TRIES TO SPEAK
0:22:00 > 0:22:01I'm fed up with this.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04You do know chewing gum is totally against the rules?
0:22:04 > 0:22:06HE TRIES TO SPEAK
0:22:06 > 0:22:07# Don't chew gum
0:22:07 > 0:22:08# When you come to this school
0:22:08 > 0:22:10# Don't chew gum
0:22:10 > 0:22:12# Because it's against the rules
0:22:12 > 0:22:13# Don't chew gum
0:22:13 > 0:22:15# Cos it doesn't look that cool
0:22:15 > 0:22:18# And it ends up in your hair and you put it under chairs
0:22:18 > 0:22:19# I don't care
0:22:19 > 0:22:21# If your breath smells of dog food
0:22:21 > 0:22:22# I don't care
0:22:22 > 0:22:24# If it's meat paste that you've chewed
0:22:24 > 0:22:26# Cos chewing gum while talking is just rude
0:22:26 > 0:22:28# And speaking of hygiene
0:22:28 > 0:22:30# When have you ever been clean? #
0:22:30 > 0:22:31HE RAPS: Heard about this one kid, his name was Trevor
0:22:31 > 0:22:33Ate so much gum, got his jaws stuck together
0:22:33 > 0:22:34Poor little T always wanted more
0:22:34 > 0:22:36But he ate so much he got stuck to the floor
0:22:36 > 0:22:37Chewing gum always leads to trouble
0:22:37 > 0:22:39Look at little T, he's now a human bubble
0:22:39 > 0:22:40Seeing the perils of gum today
0:22:40 > 0:22:42Josh, have you got anything to say?
0:22:42 > 0:22:45HE TRIES TO SPEAK
0:22:47 > 0:22:51# So get it out your gob, gob, gob, gob, gob
0:22:51 > 0:22:53# You look like a slob, slob, slob, slob, slob
0:22:53 > 0:22:56# And you'll never get a job, job, job, job, job
0:22:56 > 0:22:58# So spit it out
0:22:58 > 0:23:00# Spit it out
0:23:00 > 0:23:03# If you keep chewing gum, gum, gum, gum, gum
0:23:03 > 0:23:06# Your life will be so glum, glum, glum, glum, glum
0:23:06 > 0:23:09# And besides, I'll tell your mum, mum, mum, mum, mum
0:23:09 > 0:23:10# So spit it out
0:23:10 > 0:23:11# Spit it out. #
0:23:14 > 0:23:17Are you going to get rid of that gum, then?
0:23:17 > 0:23:18Ah.
0:23:18 > 0:23:21- Happy now?- Did you just spit?
0:23:21 > 0:23:25You do know there's a strict policy against spitting, don't you?
0:23:25 > 0:23:28- To the Headmaster's office, now!- I can't!
0:23:28 > 0:23:31I'm stuck to the ground with chewing gum.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34Grrr... Argh...
0:23:34 > 0:23:37Grah, argh!
0:23:40 > 0:23:44And now we come to the climax of today's show, the thrilling,
0:23:44 > 0:23:47daring and often moving item we like to call...
0:23:47 > 0:23:50Sit On My Lav-Lav And Answer Some Questions.
0:23:50 > 0:23:52DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS
0:23:54 > 0:23:56TOILET FLUSHES
0:23:56 > 0:24:00Right. The rules of this game are BOG-standard, do you get it?
0:24:00 > 0:24:02- I got it.- All you have to do is...
0:24:02 > 0:24:04DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS
0:24:07 > 0:24:10..sit on the lav-lav and answer some questions.
0:24:10 > 0:24:13- How does it feel, being sat upon my throne?- Oh, yeah, lovely.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16- Yeah, cheers. - A bit damp, innit?- A little.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18The time will end when you hear this sound...
0:24:18 > 0:24:22- I've got lime on me leotard! - Are you ready?- I'm ready.
0:24:22 > 0:24:26In that case, start the clock. What is your name?
0:24:26 > 0:24:27Kevin.
0:24:27 > 0:24:30No, your name is the word that identifies you.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32Complete this famous catchphrase...
0:24:32 > 0:24:34Keeeeep...
0:24:34 > 0:24:35Dancing!
0:24:35 > 0:24:38No, it's actually keep...your valuables in a safe place.
0:24:38 > 0:24:41The management will not be held responsible. Look at this guy.
0:24:41 > 0:24:45Herman has disguised this lump of fossil fuel as a Strictly
0:24:45 > 0:24:49dancer, but tell us, who's that non-renewable energy source to you?
0:24:49 > 0:24:51Craig Revel Horwood?
0:24:51 > 0:24:54No, it's Brendan Cole. Take him away, Herman.
0:24:55 > 0:24:59What's 11 + 73 x 5 ¸ 60?
0:24:59 > 0:25:01Is that...?
0:25:01 > 0:25:02I don't know.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05Let's find out. Here's Len with the answer.
0:25:05 > 0:25:07- Seveeeeen!- Cheers, Len.
0:25:07 > 0:25:12True or false - Bruce Forsyth fought in the Battle of Agincourt.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14That's probably false.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16Yeah, you're right, it was false.
0:25:16 > 0:25:19He was picking up his pension that day.
0:25:19 > 0:25:22Now, how often does Tess DALY...
0:25:22 > 0:25:24have a bath?
0:25:24 > 0:25:25Daily?
0:25:25 > 0:25:28Incorrect. She actually has a bath yearly.
0:25:28 > 0:25:31Someone should have a word. She's a little bit ripe!
0:25:32 > 0:25:35For this question, here's Emily from The Next Step.
0:25:35 > 0:25:38As everyone knows, I'm an amazing dancer.
0:25:38 > 0:25:41But what is my favourite step?
0:25:41 > 0:25:42Batucadas?
0:25:42 > 0:25:44Batucadas? Let's see if you're right.
0:25:44 > 0:25:46My favourite step is actually...
0:25:46 > 0:25:48the doorstep!
0:25:48 > 0:25:51But I'm partial to escalators.
0:25:51 > 0:25:55Complete the name of this famous celebrity. Kevin From...
0:25:55 > 0:25:57Grimsby.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59No, it's Kevin From Strictly.
0:25:59 > 0:26:02I've got lime on me leotard!
0:26:02 > 0:26:06- Time's up! That means you've won tonight's star prize.- Wow!
0:26:06 > 0:26:10A dried-up felt tip pen! Spinning turntable not included.
0:26:10 > 0:26:12What do you think about that, cocker?
0:26:12 > 0:26:13Terrific.
0:26:13 > 0:26:15Well, it's your lucky day, me old cockle,
0:26:15 > 0:26:18- because you've also won an holiday! - An holiday?
0:26:18 > 0:26:22Yes, a holiday to the sewers beneath the studio, that is.
0:26:22 > 0:26:25Have you got any last words before you go?
0:26:25 > 0:26:29Yeah, yeah, erm, I'd just like to say a very...
0:26:29 > 0:26:32Oh, ho-ho! Herman, flush him away.
0:26:33 > 0:26:37Argh! No, not down the lavvy! Argh!
0:26:38 > 0:26:41What a lovely person. I wonder which town he was from?
0:26:41 > 0:26:43That's it for now, cockers.
0:26:43 > 0:26:47I'm off to buy some trelliswork from an overpriced garden centre,
0:26:47 > 0:26:49but first, I shall sing you my terrible song.
0:26:49 > 0:26:51Join in, if you know it!
0:26:56 > 0:26:58# That is it for now, the end of the show
0:26:58 > 0:27:00# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go
0:27:00 > 0:27:03# I'll see you next time on this show of mine
0:27:03 > 0:27:05# Put it in your diary, it's called Hacker Time
0:27:05 > 0:27:08# It's been amazing, we've been larking around
0:27:08 > 0:27:10# The whole programme cost just under £1
0:27:10 > 0:27:12# But watch again next time cos we've got much more
0:27:12 > 0:27:15# There'll be tons of other funny stuff, it will be top drawer
0:27:15 > 0:27:19# Kev the dancer from Grimsby popped in for a quickstep session
0:27:19 > 0:27:22# I showed him some of my favourite mauves
0:27:22 > 0:27:23# And made him act in a sketch
0:27:23 > 0:27:25# Telling jokes about the legal profession
0:27:25 > 0:27:27# That is it for now, the end of the show
0:27:27 > 0:27:29# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go
0:27:29 > 0:27:32# I'll see you next time on this show of mine
0:27:32 > 0:27:34# Put it in your diary, it's called Hacker Time
0:27:34 > 0:27:36# Put it in your diary, it's called Hacker Time
0:27:36 > 0:27:39# That is the end of today's Hacker Time! #
0:27:39 > 0:27:42- That was a great show. - Actually, it wasn't.
0:27:42 > 0:27:43You're both right.