0:00:02 > 0:00:04Today's Hacker Time was made using a harpsichord
0:00:04 > 0:00:05and a large role of packaging tape.
0:00:05 > 0:00:08Good morning. How's everyone feeling?
0:00:08 > 0:00:10Terrible.
0:00:10 > 0:00:12There's a nasty bug going around.
0:00:12 > 0:00:15- Oh, really?- Yeah.
0:00:15 > 0:00:18It's in the kitchen and he's really getting on my nerves.
0:00:18 > 0:00:22Oh, thank goodness. I thought you were under the weather.
0:00:22 > 0:00:24Oh, I am.
0:00:24 > 0:00:27Sunny spells with scattered showers to be precise.
0:00:27 > 0:00:28CYMBAL CRASH
0:00:28 > 0:00:32- So, you don't have a temperature?- Oh, I do.
0:00:32 > 0:00:3519 degrees Celsius in lower lying areas.
0:00:35 > 0:00:36DRUMROLL AND CYMBAL CRASH
0:00:36 > 0:00:38Well, at least he hasn't got the wind.
0:00:38 > 0:00:40Oh, I have.
0:00:40 > 0:00:44A 20mph north-westerly from the Atlantic.
0:00:44 > 0:00:47I think I see what's going on.
0:00:47 > 0:00:51Hacker is suffering from acute ap-PUN-dicitis.
0:00:51 > 0:00:54THUNDER RUMBLES
0:00:54 > 0:00:57He just can't help making feeble jokes.
0:00:57 > 0:01:00I wondered why I was feeling a little pale.
0:01:00 > 0:01:03It'll be perfect for collecting all this rainwater!
0:01:03 > 0:01:05Oh, make it stop.
0:01:05 > 0:01:07Oh, please make it stop.
0:01:07 > 0:01:08And that's not all.
0:01:08 > 0:01:10I actually have wind.
0:01:10 > 0:01:13HACKER BREAKS WIND
0:01:13 > 0:01:16- Oh!- Oh! Oh, stop. Oh, no.
0:01:19 > 0:01:20# You gonna watch this?
0:01:22 > 0:01:24# You gotta watch this!
0:01:25 > 0:01:27# You gotta watch this!
0:01:29 > 0:01:31# My, my, my, my programme hits you
0:01:31 > 0:01:32# So hard
0:01:32 > 0:01:34# Makes me say, "Oh, my word!"
0:01:34 > 0:01:35# Thank you for watching me
0:01:35 > 0:01:37# It's telly, but not what you normally see
0:01:37 > 0:01:39# It feels good, there's outtakes too
0:01:39 > 0:01:41# Comedy, guests and clips, it's true
0:01:41 > 0:01:43# So sit back, don't move too much
0:01:43 > 0:01:44# This is the show... Hah!
0:01:44 > 0:01:45# ..you can't touch. #
0:01:48 > 0:01:49Thank you.
0:01:49 > 0:01:53Standby, everyone. We are on air in five.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55Four, three...
0:01:55 > 0:01:56LARRY COUGHS
0:01:56 > 0:01:57..two, one.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01Cue Larry.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04Ladies and gentlemen, please make some noise,
0:02:04 > 0:02:08but not that kind of noise, for Hacker T Dog!
0:02:09 > 0:02:10You all right, cockers?
0:02:12 > 0:02:16- Is he better now?- Yes. We removed his ap-PUN-dix before the show.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19He'll never tell a terrible joke again.
0:02:19 > 0:02:20We've got lots coming up today.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23Erm, oh, oh, erm.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25What's happening?
0:02:25 > 0:02:27HACKER SPEAKS GIBBERISH
0:02:30 > 0:02:33It's obvious. Now his ap-pun-dix is out, he's got nothing to say.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36HACKER SPEAKS GIBBERISH
0:02:37 > 0:02:38He is getting worse.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41We're going to need at least two doctors to deal with this.
0:02:41 > 0:02:42HACKER SPEAKS GIBBERISH
0:02:42 > 0:02:44Don't worry. It's been sorted.
0:02:48 > 0:02:51Excuse me. Sorry to bother you. When Dr Chris and Dr Xand.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53We're here to present a highbrow medical show.
0:02:53 > 0:02:54Lovely. Get in the booth, please.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56We need a new photograph for your ID badges.
0:02:56 > 0:02:59- No, we just had them done. - No, come on, get in the booth.
0:02:59 > 0:03:04- We don't need it.- Get in the booth! All the way in. Close the curtains.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06Doors! Doors-ah!
0:03:06 > 0:03:08BELL RINGS
0:03:08 > 0:03:10Ah.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12Down! Heh-heh-heh.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15- Ah!- Ah!
0:03:15 > 0:03:17It doesn't seem like a photo booth!
0:03:18 > 0:03:19HACKER WHISTLES
0:03:19 > 0:03:20Aaargh!
0:03:20 > 0:03:21Ladies and gentlemen,
0:03:21 > 0:03:24from Operation Ouch and Blow Your Mind,
0:03:24 > 0:03:27it's Doctors Chris and Xand van Tulleken!
0:03:27 > 0:03:29- Ah!- Ah!
0:03:29 > 0:03:31Welcome to Hacker Time.
0:03:31 > 0:03:33- No.- No, we're not doing this.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35Whoa. Come back, come back.
0:03:35 > 0:03:39I need you to put my ap-pun-dix back in. I'm all out of bad jokes.
0:03:39 > 0:03:40Listen.
0:03:40 > 0:03:41- Knock-knock. - Who's there?
0:03:41 > 0:03:44I don't know!
0:03:44 > 0:03:46- Ooh, that is bad. - It does sound bad.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49- OK, we could help.- Beltin'. Now, operate on me.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51But we don't have any anaesthetic.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54Don't worry, your life stories will send me to sleep.
0:03:54 > 0:03:55Derek! The fact file.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59Coming up, my little owl.
0:04:00 > 0:04:03Chris and Xand van Tulleken are telly presenting doctors
0:04:03 > 0:04:05who are also identical twins.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08They are so alike, they can only tell each other apart
0:04:08 > 0:04:09by feeling each other's faces.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11They present Blow Your Mind and Operation Ouch,
0:04:11 > 0:04:13where they get up to lots of capers.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15There was the time they were pranked by a naughty skeleton
0:04:15 > 0:04:16who dyed in their mouths blue.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18The time they spent a holiday in the lab
0:04:18 > 0:04:21because they used up all their money on a giant graph.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23And the time they finally got the guts to start their own
0:04:23 > 0:04:25sausage making business.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27It's funny because it's intestine.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30And that's all you need to know about Chris and Xand.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33- Tongs.- Tongs.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36- Tweezers.- Tweezers.
0:04:38 > 0:04:39- Swab.- Swab.
0:04:41 > 0:04:44And there we go. All done.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46Thanks for unpacking my weekly shop.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48I don't know why bought all this medical equipment
0:04:48 > 0:04:51and a faulty oven timer.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54- I suppose this means your ap-pun-dicitis is all better.- Yes!
0:04:54 > 0:04:57And to prove it I've got plenty more horrific jokes in store.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00Larry! Show 'em.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02Nurse! The screens! Ha-ha.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05Stay tuned to this medical edition of Hacker Time.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07Coming up.
0:05:07 > 0:05:08This guy.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12- This guy. - Oh, he's learning to hate.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15And this guy.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17Where do you want this wall bracket going, then?
0:05:17 > 0:05:21All this and more on Hacker Time.
0:05:21 > 0:05:24What a stunning display of mediocrity there.
0:05:24 > 0:05:25Don't you think so, cockers?
0:05:25 > 0:05:27Time for your big interview. Question one.
0:05:27 > 0:05:31Speaking as doctors, what's your favourite type of music?
0:05:31 > 0:05:34- Piano music.- I like flute music.
0:05:34 > 0:05:35Oh, hang on a minute.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37I meant what's your favourite type of mucus.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39CHRIS AND XAND LAUGH
0:05:39 > 0:05:43I prefer bright green with an occasional fleck of brown.
0:05:43 > 0:05:44Ew.
0:05:44 > 0:05:47Right, now. While you're here, you couldn't give me some advice, could you?
0:05:47 > 0:05:49I've got a problem with my liver.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51Oh, no. What is it?
0:05:51 > 0:05:53Should I cook it with leeks or onions?
0:05:53 > 0:05:54DRUMROLL AND CYMBAL CRASH
0:05:54 > 0:05:55Seriously, though,
0:05:55 > 0:05:58- I do have a problem with my kidneys. - Your kidneys? What is it?
0:05:58 > 0:06:01Should I cook them with leeks or onions? Eh?
0:06:02 > 0:06:06- In all seriousness, I do have a problem with my ribs.- Right.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08- Should you cook it with leek or onions?- No.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10I actually have a pain in my ribs.
0:06:10 > 0:06:14I think it's from eating all that misleading offal.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17Talking of medical things. Wilf's just had a hip replacement.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20Yes, we've sacked him and replaced him with a hip.
0:06:20 > 0:06:24To be fair, that hip's got more work done than I ever could.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27Where do you want this wall bracket going, then?
0:06:27 > 0:06:30- Just keep hold of it, mate.- OK.- Yeah.
0:06:30 > 0:06:34What I want to know is, who is the evil twin?
0:06:34 > 0:06:36I am.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38Ooh!
0:06:38 > 0:06:41- How evil are you?- He's pretty bad. - Quite evil.- Evil.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43Say seven and a half out of ten.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45That's pretty evil, folks, if you are watching.
0:06:45 > 0:06:46Lolly?
0:06:46 > 0:06:50I don't know what you're talking about, Derek.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53LOLLY LAUGHS MANIACALLY
0:06:54 > 0:06:56Shall we hear some fascinating medical facts?
0:06:56 > 0:06:58Yeah, that would be great.
0:06:58 > 0:07:02OK, but before we do, why don't you have a glass of water?
0:07:02 > 0:07:05- You both like parched. - That's very nice.- All right.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08Larry, what's the first fact?
0:07:08 > 0:07:12Your feet produce more than one pint of sweat a day.
0:07:14 > 0:07:18Ooh, Herman. That water was from the tap, wasn't it?
0:07:18 > 0:07:20Oh, yes, Mr Hacker.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23My tap SHOE, that is. Heh-heh.
0:07:24 > 0:07:27Ha-ha. Just kidding, cocker.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29Next fact, please, Larry.
0:07:29 > 0:07:34You get a new stomach lining every three to four days.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36Oh, is that right?
0:07:36 > 0:07:37Yes, that is true. That is true.
0:07:37 > 0:07:38No, it's wrong.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40I've been waiting five days for mine.
0:07:40 > 0:07:43That's the last time I order anything over the internet.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45Next fact.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48Everyone has their own particular smell,
0:07:48 > 0:07:51except for identical twins.
0:07:51 > 0:07:54He's right. You do both smell the same.
0:07:54 > 0:07:57Terrible. Ha-ha.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59Ha-ha.
0:07:59 > 0:08:00LOLLY LAUGHS MANIACALLY
0:08:00 > 0:08:04- Where do you want the wall bracket going? - Just keep hold of it. I've said.- Oh.
0:08:04 > 0:08:05Brilliant.
0:08:05 > 0:08:09We couldn't have ended this interview with a better punchline.
0:08:09 > 0:08:10- DOORBELL RINGS - Stomach lining delivery
0:08:10 > 0:08:13- for Mr T DOG.- Oh!
0:08:13 > 0:08:17Larry. Cut to summat else. It's gone everywhere.
0:08:17 > 0:08:22Put on your dancing shoes because it's time for The Next Step But One.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25Let's do this, people!
0:08:25 > 0:08:28I've been dancing since I was three years old.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31Achieving is all I know.
0:08:36 > 0:08:40Oh, he's awesome to the power of ten. Sigh.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45I've been dancing since I was three months old.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49Stardom is in my blood.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52Her flexibility is off the scale.
0:08:56 > 0:09:00Well, I've been dancing longer than the lot of them.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04I was an odd child. Ho, ho.
0:09:04 > 0:09:11# We'll show the world our moves
0:09:11 > 0:09:15# It's gonna, it's gonna
0:09:15 > 0:09:19# It's gonna be our chance
0:09:19 > 0:09:23# It's gonna be our chance
0:09:23 > 0:09:26# But none of us can dance
0:09:26 > 0:09:29# But none of us can dance. #
0:09:31 > 0:09:33So, it's the day of the audition
0:09:33 > 0:09:36and I'm giving everyone some helpful words of encouragement.
0:09:36 > 0:09:41Out of my way, losers. I'm the best one round here.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43That's why I'm in A Troupe.
0:09:43 > 0:09:44You're not in A Troupe.
0:09:44 > 0:09:45You're just in a troupe.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48- So.- It's Z Troupe.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51Is it now?
0:09:51 > 0:09:52Get out of my sight.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55Er, hm.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02My main reason for coming here,
0:10:02 > 0:10:06I get to see Emma-Lee every day.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08She's the sunshine in my otherwise wretched life.
0:10:10 > 0:10:11Hey, Emma-Lee,
0:10:11 > 0:10:14would you like to grab a juice with me after rehearsals?
0:10:14 > 0:10:18I'd rather be sick out of my own eyes.
0:10:18 > 0:10:19Some other time then?
0:10:19 > 0:10:21Yeah, sure, yeah.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24Half past never!
0:10:24 > 0:10:26Well, she didn't rule it out.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38Dolphin tale!
0:10:38 > 0:10:41THEY ALL SQUEAK LIKE DOLPHINS
0:10:43 > 0:10:45Now we've all done that for no reason whatsoever,
0:10:45 > 0:10:48let's start the auditions.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51The great thing is, there are 12 places in Z Troupe
0:10:51 > 0:10:53and only 12 of us auditioning.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55So we are all going to get a place.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58Unless, of course, somebody brilliant walks through the door,
0:10:58 > 0:11:00but that's not going to happen.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05So this girl suddenly walks through the door.
0:11:05 > 0:11:09She tells us her name is Rochelle, she's from Wisconsin
0:11:09 > 0:11:11and she'd like to audition.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13My name's Rochelle.
0:11:13 > 0:11:14I'm from Wisconsin
0:11:14 > 0:11:17and I'd like to audition.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20After I told them my name's Rochelle, I'm from Wisconsin
0:11:20 > 0:11:23and I'd like to audition, they couldn't have been more welcoming.
0:11:23 > 0:11:24You
0:11:24 > 0:11:26are
0:11:26 > 0:11:27gonna
0:11:27 > 0:11:29fail.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31ROCHELLE LAUGHS
0:11:31 > 0:11:36Your breath smells of butterflies and rainbows.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38Right, Rochelle, let's see what you've got.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43This is going to be hilarious.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46Yeah, like, I'd feel sorry for her if her hair wasn't so stupid.
0:11:46 > 0:11:47Yeah. Ha-ha-ha.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50DANCE MUSIC PLAYS
0:11:58 > 0:12:00So the new girl starts to dance.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07And I couldn't believe what I was seeing.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13Because it was absolutely gut-wrenchingly,
0:12:13 > 0:12:14bottom-clenchingly
0:12:14 > 0:12:16awful-ly
0:12:16 > 0:12:18brilliant!
0:12:18 > 0:12:20CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:12:22 > 0:12:24So she can dance. How nice for her.
0:12:24 > 0:12:28But can she do this?
0:12:32 > 0:12:34The results are in. Ho, ho.
0:12:36 > 0:12:37What does it say?
0:12:37 > 0:12:40Crystal Palace one, Queens Park Rangers nil.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43- Whoo-hoo! - CHEERS
0:12:43 > 0:12:45Where is Emma-Lee?
0:12:45 > 0:12:48It was half past never five minutes ago.
0:12:48 > 0:12:52Congratulations. You've made it into A Troupe.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55A Troupe? The best troupe of all.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58No, it's still just a troupe.
0:12:58 > 0:12:59Z Troupe, then?
0:12:59 > 0:13:02No, the toilet cleaning troupe.
0:13:02 > 0:13:03Here you go.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05Could this day get any worse?
0:13:05 > 0:13:07Look what I can do.
0:13:08 > 0:13:12Bah! That's my face! I do the face!
0:13:12 > 0:13:13By the way,
0:13:13 > 0:13:15I've just blocked the toilet.
0:13:16 > 0:13:20Shall we do what we always do in this part of the show
0:13:20 > 0:13:23- and watch a poorly-made YouBend video?- Yes.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26Let's have a look at Hacker's Pranks channel. Hoo-hoo.
0:13:26 > 0:13:27All right, cockers.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30Today I'm going to hide behind that withered old shrub
0:13:30 > 0:13:33and scare that old mooey Herman.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36Get behind the shrub like that. Yes.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39I'll wait for him to walk past and then jump out and scare him.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41He's going to get the shock of his life.
0:13:45 > 0:13:46Surprise!
0:13:46 > 0:13:50I wondered why you'd been hiding down there for the last 47 minutes.
0:13:50 > 0:13:51You could see me?
0:13:51 > 0:13:54- Yes.- Ah.
0:13:54 > 0:13:56Ha-ha. Best prank ever. Hee-hee.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59Oh, but you wouldn't prank me, though, would you, Lolly?
0:13:59 > 0:14:02Lolly? Lolly!
0:14:02 > 0:14:04LOLLY LAUGHS MANIACALLY
0:14:08 > 0:14:10Doctors Chris and Xand,
0:14:10 > 0:14:13the human body is a fascinating thing, don't you agree?
0:14:13 > 0:14:14Yes, very much so.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17Hey, did you know that I once created my own human body
0:14:17 > 0:14:20out of basic foodstuffs?
0:14:20 > 0:14:23- That sounds very unlikely indeed, Hacker.- Yes, folks.
0:14:23 > 0:14:24It's that time in the series
0:14:24 > 0:14:27when I get emotionally attached to an object.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29Music, please.
0:14:29 > 0:14:31THUNDER CRASHES
0:14:31 > 0:14:34# Well, I started with a skeleton made of cheese
0:14:34 > 0:14:37# Stilton for his skull, red Leicester for his knees
0:14:37 > 0:14:40# Hands of ham and mainly sausages for his toes
0:14:40 > 0:14:42# Chipolatas on his feet
0:14:42 > 0:14:44# I gave the boy a week-old liver
0:14:44 > 0:14:47# Spaghetti nerve endings to make him shiver
0:14:47 > 0:14:50# A scrambled egg brain and a Jerusalem artichoke nose
0:14:50 > 0:14:52# Well, you wouldn't use a globe one, would you, mate?
0:14:52 > 0:14:54# A black pudding for his heart
0:14:54 > 0:14:57- # Spinach hair - # How very smart
0:14:57 > 0:14:59# A sprouty bottom meant that he could...
0:14:59 > 0:15:02# Pass wind in a very polite and delicate manner
0:15:02 > 0:15:04# I gave that boy the gift of life
0:15:04 > 0:15:06# But it all just turned to strife
0:15:06 > 0:15:12# When he went on a rampage in a quest for world domination
0:15:12 > 0:15:17# Now he's on the loose and society is at risk
0:15:17 > 0:15:20# I said, he's on the loose and society is at risk
0:15:20 > 0:15:24# Oh, society is at risk, yeah. #
0:15:24 > 0:15:26CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:15:26 > 0:15:29Oh, wasn't that a lovely story?
0:15:29 > 0:15:33Was it? I mean, you said that society was at risk.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35# Oh-oh, yeah. #
0:15:35 > 0:15:39Oh, no, look. Oh, he's learning to hate.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41Larry!
0:15:41 > 0:15:42Do summat.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44Thanks, Hacker.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46FOOD MAN MUTTERS INCOHERENTLY
0:15:47 > 0:15:50Well, they say laughter is the best medicine,
0:15:50 > 0:15:53so get ready to be very, very ill.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57Still to come on Hacker Time.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59Chris and Xand find out what's for dinner.
0:15:59 > 0:16:03There's a lot at STEAK in the catering van.
0:16:03 > 0:16:06And take your steak with you!
0:16:06 > 0:16:10And Hacker realises he smells like a gibbon's armpit.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12Ooh, yeah.
0:16:12 > 0:16:13HACKER SNIFFS
0:16:13 > 0:16:15Oh, fiddlesticks!
0:16:15 > 0:16:18All this and more on Hacker Time!
0:16:18 > 0:16:21Well, that food-human won't be bothering us again.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24And wasn't it nice of him to leave us this lovely picnic?
0:16:24 > 0:16:26Mm. Delicious. Very nice.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28Now there's something I've always wanted to know about you two.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31Something that will change the way I look at life forever.
0:16:31 > 0:16:33- What I want to know is... - BELL RINGS
0:16:33 > 0:16:37Ooh, lunch. Hey-hey! I haven't eaten for seconds. See ya!
0:16:40 > 0:16:42I hope it's a gingham tablecloth.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45Do you think they're coming back?
0:16:49 > 0:16:53Enjoy your Chateaubriand and chips.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55Thank you. Come on, darling.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59So, Wilf,
0:16:59 > 0:17:03are you going to take me out for a romantic meal today?
0:17:03 > 0:17:06Today? What's so special about today?
0:17:06 > 0:17:09It's our 50th anniversary.
0:17:09 > 0:17:10Have you forgotten?
0:17:10 > 0:17:12Erm, oh, of course not, no.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15That's why I bought you this, er,
0:17:15 > 0:17:17invisible box of chocolates.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19That's it!
0:17:19 > 0:17:21I'm not talking to you any more.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26Hello. Can I order some food, please?
0:17:26 > 0:17:28- Tell him what you want.- Oh.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30I'd like the fillet steak, please.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33Tell her to pass me the steak.
0:17:33 > 0:17:37Tell him the steak is next to the stove.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40Well, tell her I need some lard to fry it with.
0:17:40 > 0:17:46Tell him he's got enough lard right between his ears.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48Well, tell her she's got a hideous face,
0:17:48 > 0:17:50unmanageable hair
0:17:50 > 0:17:52and she stinks like a gibbon's armpit. Hip-hip.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56Well, tell her.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58- Do I have to? - Yes!
0:18:01 > 0:18:03You've got a hideous face,
0:18:03 > 0:18:05unmanageable hair
0:18:05 > 0:18:07and you stink like a gibbon's armpit.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10How dare you speak to my wife like that?
0:18:10 > 0:18:12Get out!
0:18:12 > 0:18:14And take your steak with you!
0:18:14 > 0:18:15Oh!
0:18:18 > 0:18:20Oh, Wilf.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23How could I stay mad at you?
0:18:23 > 0:18:24Never mind that.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27How could I forget our 50th wedding anniversary?
0:18:27 > 0:18:30Oh, it wasn't our 50th wedding anniversary.
0:18:30 > 0:18:35It was the 50th anniversary of the day I bought that steak.
0:18:35 > 0:18:36Oh.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39You think more of the steak than you do me, don't you?
0:18:39 > 0:18:41I'll fire up the van.
0:18:41 > 0:18:42Hip-hip.
0:18:44 > 0:18:49And now, Hacker Time proudly presents Operation Pooch.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54So, what you think, doctors?
0:18:54 > 0:18:58Well, I think it's the most hideous boil I've ever seen in my life.
0:18:58 > 0:19:02It's oozing pus and it smells disgusting.
0:19:02 > 0:19:03What boil?
0:19:03 > 0:19:08I just wanted you to take a look at my foot.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10Oh, I'm leaving.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13- Well, that's all our patients seen for the day.- Yes.
0:19:13 > 0:19:18Yes, it is. Unless some fool comes in with a daft medical emergency.
0:19:18 > 0:19:21Help, help, help! I've got a pain in my neck.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23- Really?- Yes, a window pane.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25I'm stuck in my uPVC.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27DRUM ROLL AND CYMBAL CRASH
0:19:27 > 0:19:29- Do you have a real problem?- Yes.
0:19:29 > 0:19:31I must be seeing double.
0:19:31 > 0:19:32No, there are two of us, Hacker.
0:19:32 > 0:19:35- I know. I'm seeing four of you. - Really?
0:19:35 > 0:19:37No, I just can't count, cocker.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40Look, is there actually anything wrong with you at all?
0:19:40 > 0:19:43Doctor, doctor. I feel like a pair of curtains.
0:19:43 > 0:19:44I'd heard this one before.
0:19:44 > 0:19:45Pull yourself together.
0:19:45 > 0:19:48Now, I could really do with a new pair of curtains to spruce up
0:19:48 > 0:19:50this stark window frame.
0:19:50 > 0:19:51THE DOCTORS SIGH
0:19:51 > 0:19:52Seriously, though,
0:19:52 > 0:19:55- I think I need to give you a wee sample.- Pardon?- Pardon?
0:19:55 > 0:19:59Yes, a wee sample of curtain material. Yay-hey.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02- Which do you think will match the sofa?- Look, what is wrong with you?
0:20:02 > 0:20:06The truth is I've caught a nasty bug.
0:20:06 > 0:20:07Uh!
0:20:07 > 0:20:09Yeah, look, I've caught him.
0:20:09 > 0:20:12That's stopped you from going around and around, hasn't it, eh?
0:20:12 > 0:20:15- Get out of my sight. - I'm starting to lose my patience.
0:20:15 > 0:20:18Oh, you should lock the waiting room doors then, shouldn't you?
0:20:18 > 0:20:19Right, that's enough.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22- Get out.- All right. Calm down, the four of you, will you?
0:20:22 > 0:20:25Can't you see I've got a terrible illness?
0:20:25 > 0:20:29Yes. Six down, 16 letters. A terrible illness. What could it be?
0:20:29 > 0:20:33- Look, what do you want from us? - The answer to this.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35Oh, it's very embarrassing,
0:20:35 > 0:20:37but I need you to put some cream on these.
0:20:37 > 0:20:39THEY GASP
0:20:39 > 0:20:41These strawberries down here.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43Hacker, those aren't strawberries.
0:20:43 > 0:20:45- They're raspberries.- Ooh.
0:20:45 > 0:20:47But I'm afraid you do have piles.
0:20:48 > 0:20:50And piles of them.
0:20:50 > 0:20:51Ooh, that's good, isn't it?
0:20:51 > 0:20:54Wait a minute, I think I can see what the problem is.
0:20:54 > 0:20:57Are you sure, because my handwriting isn't that good?
0:20:57 > 0:21:00Look, it's obvious from all these terrible jokes
0:21:00 > 0:21:02that your ap-pun-dicitis has come back.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04And this time, it's catching.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11What can you do for me?
0:21:11 > 0:21:15- Well, we can start by cutting that off.- Ooh!
0:21:15 > 0:21:19That's the edge of this curtain swatch. Look how frayed it is.
0:21:19 > 0:21:23But we will have to take you to the theatre.
0:21:23 > 0:21:24Cats or Les Mis?
0:21:24 > 0:21:28Oh, docs, please tell me, how long have I got?
0:21:28 > 0:21:30I'd say about five seconds.
0:21:32 > 0:21:34Before you get exhausted from gasping so much.
0:21:34 > 0:21:37Are you sure I haven't got anything more serious?
0:21:37 > 0:21:40That's it. Chronic bottom rot.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43Not that. Anything but that.
0:21:43 > 0:21:47Yes, six down, 16 letters, chronic bottom rot.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49Oh, yeah. Thanks, guys.
0:21:53 > 0:21:55You do also actually have chronic bottom rot.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57Oh, no!
0:21:57 > 0:21:59HACKER BREAKS WIND
0:21:59 > 0:22:01Ooh, there's the start of it.
0:22:01 > 0:22:02HACKER BREAKS WIND
0:22:02 > 0:22:04It's time for school,
0:22:04 > 0:22:06but don't worry,
0:22:06 > 0:22:08you won't be learning anything.
0:22:08 > 0:22:10It's the Quarter Past Four O'Clock Club.
0:22:10 > 0:22:11BELL RINGS
0:22:12 > 0:22:14OK, class, a tough one today.
0:22:14 > 0:22:15Who can tell me
0:22:15 > 0:22:20in which year did Edmund Cartwright invent the power loom?
0:22:20 > 0:22:21Anyone?
0:22:21 > 0:22:22Rina.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25FLIES BUZZ
0:22:25 > 0:22:28Ah! What's that putrid stench?
0:22:28 > 0:22:30I've no idea what you are talking about.
0:22:30 > 0:22:34Dex, you smell like a badger's bonnet.
0:22:34 > 0:22:35I know.
0:22:38 > 0:22:40# Got a problem, I can't have a shower
0:22:40 > 0:22:42# The plumber's busy and I've got no power
0:22:42 > 0:22:44# Been calling him up for days and days
0:22:44 > 0:22:47# My armpits are smelling in so many different ways
0:22:47 > 0:22:49# Dex, get away from me, you're smelling of cheese
0:22:49 > 0:22:52# Your odour di-gross-ious, get away me fleas
0:22:52 > 0:22:54# I can't even look at you, your hair's glowing green
0:22:54 > 0:22:57# Pull yourself together, man, and have a good clean
0:22:57 > 0:22:59# Easier said than done, my friend
0:22:59 > 0:23:00# The plumber's gone awry
0:23:00 > 0:23:01# He made me use the U-bend
0:23:01 > 0:23:03# Will I ever be clean
0:23:03 > 0:23:04# I'm losing hope
0:23:04 > 0:23:07# You seriously need to use some soap
0:23:07 > 0:23:10# Oh, I'm so smelly
0:23:10 > 0:23:14# And I don't know what to do
0:23:14 > 0:23:16# Have a wash, apply antiperspirant
0:23:16 > 0:23:20# Oh, he's so smelly
0:23:20 > 0:23:23# Like a withered old brown
0:23:23 > 0:23:25# Shoe. #
0:23:25 > 0:23:27Hang on a second, Josh.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29Don't we share a bathroom?
0:23:29 > 0:23:30You haven't had a shower either.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32Oh, yeah!
0:23:32 > 0:23:33SNIFFS
0:23:33 > 0:23:36Oh, fiddlesticks! Oh!
0:23:36 > 0:23:38BELL RINGS
0:23:38 > 0:23:39Ladies and gentlemen,
0:23:39 > 0:23:44hold on to your hats as we come to the gripping climax of today's show.
0:23:44 > 0:23:47The quiz that we like to call...
0:23:47 > 0:23:50Sit On The Lav-lav And Answer Some Questions.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56TOILET FLUSHES
0:23:56 > 0:23:58Yes, Doctors Chris and Xand.
0:23:58 > 0:24:00The rules of this game are bog-standard. Heh. It's good, that.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02All you have to do is...
0:24:06 > 0:24:08TOILET FLUSHES
0:24:08 > 0:24:11..sit on the lav-lav and answer some questions.
0:24:11 > 0:24:14- How does it feel being sat upon my throne?- Comfortable.- Isn't it?
0:24:14 > 0:24:16Is it still warm?
0:24:16 > 0:24:17Oh, a little bit.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20The time will end when you hear this sound.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23LOLLY LAUGHS MANIACALLY
0:24:23 > 0:24:25- Are you ready?- Yes.
0:24:25 > 0:24:26Start the clock.
0:24:26 > 0:24:29What are thighs?
0:24:29 > 0:24:30Bits of your legs.
0:24:30 > 0:24:34No, they're the things between th'ears and either side o' th'nose.
0:24:34 > 0:24:37Now, young Herman here has disguised his internal organ
0:24:37 > 0:24:38as a famous character,
0:24:38 > 0:24:41but tell us who's that offal to you?
0:24:42 > 0:24:44- A pirate of some kind?- No.
0:24:44 > 0:24:46It's Lung John Silver.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48The legendary pirate lung. Yes.
0:24:48 > 0:24:49Hey, Herman, if you clean that up,
0:24:49 > 0:24:52you might be able to get a bit of money back at the butchers.
0:24:52 > 0:24:55Off you pop, cocker. A what a day keeps the doctor away?
0:24:55 > 0:24:57- Apple.- Apple.- No.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59It's a feral hamster.
0:24:59 > 0:25:00And now for a bit of music.
0:25:00 > 0:25:05Please welcome my chum and yours, the Big Ag, Acky G!
0:25:05 > 0:25:08# It's Accordion George, Acky G. #
0:25:08 > 0:25:10George, George, the big George. Yes.
0:25:10 > 0:25:13Acky G is about to play you a fantastic tune
0:25:13 > 0:25:16on his top-notch acc and you must guess what he's playing.
0:25:16 > 0:25:18Take it away, the Big G.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37Well, lads, you've got very little chance of getting this
0:25:37 > 0:25:39cos he was rubbish. You were rubbish then George.
0:25:39 > 0:25:41What was he playing, cockers?
0:25:41 > 0:25:43- No idea at all. - You've no idea at all.
0:25:43 > 0:25:45Well, let's find out if you are right.
0:25:45 > 0:25:48# Let it go, let it go... #
0:25:48 > 0:25:50Give us a dance, George.
0:25:50 > 0:25:51# Can't hold it back any more
0:25:51 > 0:25:53# Let it go, let it go. #
0:25:53 > 0:25:55It was Let It Go from Frozen.
0:25:55 > 0:25:57Acky G, you should let that accordion go.
0:25:57 > 0:26:00You can't play it. You're rubbish. Now, go away!
0:26:00 > 0:26:03Go on, out of my sight and take your stool with you.
0:26:03 > 0:26:06What a man. What a man.
0:26:06 > 0:26:09Right. Complete this programme title.
0:26:09 > 0:26:12- Blow Your... - BOTH: Mind.- Nil!
0:26:12 > 0:26:14Blow your nose. It's a disgrace.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17- Name a blood type. - A.- B.
0:26:17 > 0:26:20I would've said red, but I would have accepted wet.
0:26:20 > 0:26:23LOLLY LAUGHS MANIACALLY
0:26:23 > 0:26:27Time's up. That means you have won today's star prize.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29A cheque-book from the 1980s.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32These cheques are no longer accepted as legal currency.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34What you think about that, cockers?
0:26:34 > 0:26:36- It's a bit rubbish. - Not the best prize.
0:26:36 > 0:26:37It is of it, isn't it?
0:26:37 > 0:26:39Well the prizes don't stop there, me old cocker
0:26:39 > 0:26:41because you've also won a holiday.
0:26:41 > 0:26:42Ooh, where?
0:26:42 > 0:26:44To the sewers beneath this very studio.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46Any last words before you go?
0:26:46 > 0:26:48- What?- Now, hang on.
0:26:48 > 0:26:50Herman, flush them away.
0:26:52 > 0:26:54- Aaargh!- Aaargh!
0:26:54 > 0:26:57What a lovely quartet of doctors they were.
0:26:57 > 0:26:58That's almost it for today.
0:26:58 > 0:27:02I'm off to buy a length of plywood from an online auction site.
0:27:02 > 0:27:05But first there is the small matter of my song.
0:27:05 > 0:27:06Join in, cockers!
0:27:11 > 0:27:14# That is it for now The end of the show
0:27:14 > 0:27:16# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go
0:27:16 > 0:27:18# I'll see you next time on this show of mine
0:27:18 > 0:27:21# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time
0:27:21 > 0:27:23# It's been amazing, we've been larking around
0:27:23 > 0:27:26# The whole programme cost just under a pound
0:27:26 > 0:27:28# Watch again next time cos we've got much more
0:27:28 > 0:27:31# There'll be tons of other funny stuff, it will be top drawer
0:27:31 > 0:27:33# Chris and Xand popped in today
0:27:33 > 0:27:35# The banter was simply stunning
0:27:35 > 0:27:37# Until we all got very ill
0:27:37 > 0:27:40# With a serious case of dreadfully atrocious punning
0:27:40 > 0:27:42# That is it for now The end of the show
0:27:42 > 0:27:44# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go
0:27:44 > 0:27:47# I'll see you next time on this show of mine
0:27:47 > 0:27:50# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time
0:27:50 > 0:27:52# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time
0:27:52 > 0:27:54# That is the end of today's Hacker Time. #
0:27:54 > 0:27:57Where do you want this wall bracket, then?