0:00:02 > 0:00:06Hacker Time does not count as one of your five LOLs a day.
0:00:06 > 0:00:09Wilf! Wilf, will you stop doing DIY?
0:00:09 > 0:00:11It causes nothing but trouble.
0:00:11 > 0:00:14You don't know a wing nut from a pistachio nut.
0:00:14 > 0:00:17Oh, but I've got this new book here.
0:00:18 > 0:00:22It's written for people just like me.
0:00:22 > 0:00:24But you're terrible at DIY.
0:00:24 > 0:00:26Look at the state of that chair you made.
0:00:26 > 0:00:28Oh!
0:00:30 > 0:00:32If you're so good at home repairs,
0:00:32 > 0:00:36what about that big "leak" under the sink?
0:00:36 > 0:00:38I don't know how that got under there.
0:00:38 > 0:00:41For some reason, it's really wet though.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44I hope you haven't done anything else around the house, Wilf.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46Oh, well, I've installed a new shower.
0:00:46 > 0:00:49Well, at least that's useful.
0:00:49 > 0:00:54And to save on water, I've plumbed it directly into the toilet.
0:00:54 > 0:00:56- Oh! So that explains the smell. - TOILET FLUSHES
0:00:56 > 0:00:59It's disgusting. Oh, dear.
0:00:59 > 0:01:01You all right, cockers?
0:01:01 > 0:01:03Oh, Hacker, I might have known it was you.
0:01:03 > 0:01:05Why did you take a shower?
0:01:05 > 0:01:09Shower? Not I, me old cocksparrow.
0:01:09 > 0:01:12This is my natural musk.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19# You gotta watch this... #
0:01:21 > 0:01:23# You gotta watch this
0:01:24 > 0:01:27# You gotta watch this
0:01:27 > 0:01:30# My, my, my, my programme hits you so hard
0:01:30 > 0:01:32# Makes me say Oh, my word!
0:01:32 > 0:01:34# Thank you for watching me
0:01:34 > 0:01:36# It's telly But not what you normally see
0:01:36 > 0:01:38# It feels good And there's out-takes too
0:01:38 > 0:01:39# Comedy, guests and clips It's true
0:01:39 > 0:01:41# So sit back, don't move too much
0:01:41 > 0:01:44# This is a show Ha! You can't touch
0:01:44 > 0:01:46- # Stop!- Hacker time! #
0:01:46 > 0:01:48Thank you.
0:01:48 > 0:01:49Stand by, everyone.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51We are on air in five...
0:01:51 > 0:01:53four...
0:01:53 > 0:01:57three...two...one.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59Cue Larry...
0:01:59 > 0:02:01Stand by your bellies, everyone,
0:02:01 > 0:02:03because we have incoming laughter
0:02:03 > 0:02:06with Hacker D Dog.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08You all right there, cockers?
0:02:08 > 0:02:10Today's show is all about sport,
0:02:10 > 0:02:13so I thought I would work up a reet old sweat.
0:02:13 > 0:02:14HE SNIFFS
0:02:14 > 0:02:16Oh, the humanity!
0:02:18 > 0:02:19Eurgh!
0:02:19 > 0:02:23Let's meet today's guest, who is a sporting superstar just like me.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25On me head, son.
0:02:25 > 0:02:26Wahey!
0:02:26 > 0:02:2815.6 points to me.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30Go, sport!
0:02:30 > 0:02:32HE SINGS
0:02:32 > 0:02:34Ah, lovely day for it.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37Hello, I'm Ellie Simmonds.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39I'm a swimmer and I'm here to film a very serious sports show.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42This way, my dear. We just need to get you an up-to-date pass
0:02:42 > 0:02:45- so get in the booth.- Really? I've already got a pass.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47- One's never enough, love, is it? - OK, OK.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49- Get in there and shut the curtains. - OK, OK.- Shut them.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52Doors! Shut the doors.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56ALARM BLARES AND ELLIE SCREAMS
0:02:56 > 0:02:58- Down! - HE CACKLES
0:02:58 > 0:03:00SHE SCREAMS
0:03:03 > 0:03:05- Oh, come on. - HE WHISTLES
0:03:05 > 0:03:08Oh, no! SHE SCREAMS
0:03:08 > 0:03:10Please welcome a superstar of the swimming world,
0:03:10 > 0:03:12Paralympic gold medallist,
0:03:12 > 0:03:14Ellie Simmonds!
0:03:16 > 0:03:21Welcome, Ellie Simmonds, to my top-drawer, humble programme.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23What is that smell?
0:03:23 > 0:03:24That's me.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26It's my sporty aroma.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29It shows that I'm serious about sport.
0:03:29 > 0:03:30I think I might have to leave.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33Oh, oh! But if you stay,
0:03:33 > 0:03:35I promise to have a shower.
0:03:35 > 0:03:36- OK, then.- A-ha!
0:03:36 > 0:03:39The joke's on you because, as already discussed,
0:03:39 > 0:03:41Wilf has plumbed the shower directly into the toilet.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44If anything, my odour will worsen, madam.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46Oh, no. I'm not looking forward to that smell.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48It's wretched, isn't it?
0:03:48 > 0:03:49But you've no choice, cocker,
0:03:49 > 0:03:51you're going to endure it.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53Derek, the fact file.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55Yes, Hacker.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58Eleanor May Simmonds is a British Paralympian swimmer.
0:03:58 > 0:04:02She's pretty quick, even when she forgets her goggles.
0:04:02 > 0:04:06When she was just 13, she won two golds at the Beijing Paralympics -
0:04:06 > 0:04:08and another two at London 2012.
0:04:08 > 0:04:12Here's her freestyle dance move - that's a bronze at best.
0:04:12 > 0:04:17She also won Young Sports Personality Of The Year in 2008.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19Her pop music career never took off.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21That traffic cone didn't like it.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24And that's all you need to know about Paralympian gold medallist
0:04:24 > 0:04:25Ellie Simmonds.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30Ooh, for someone so young, you've not achieved much, have you?
0:04:30 > 0:04:32Thank you very much for that(!)
0:04:32 > 0:04:33Very nice of you.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36It's what I do. I mean, I'm six and I've got my own talk show.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39Hashtag just saying.
0:04:39 > 0:04:42Larry, pump some air into this flat balloon of a show, will you?
0:04:42 > 0:04:44Oh, it's reet on the wane.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48Ladies and gentlemen, prepare yourselves for a slam-dunking,
0:04:48 > 0:04:50home-running,
0:04:50 > 0:04:52hole-in-one-ing experience.
0:04:52 > 0:04:53Here's what's coming up...
0:04:55 > 0:04:58More arms than you can shake a stick at,
0:04:58 > 0:05:01Hacker tries his hand at snake charming
0:05:01 > 0:05:04and has a very bad hair day.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07All this still to come on Hacker Time.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09Now, Ellie, every time I go to the pool,
0:05:09 > 0:05:12they're so keen on the rules, aren't they?
0:05:12 > 0:05:14No diving, no running...
0:05:14 > 0:05:16Have you ever broken the rules?
0:05:16 > 0:05:20No, not really. I think it's just you who's breaking all these rules.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22No, it's not just me, you know,
0:05:22 > 0:05:24cos Wilf once took a "leak" in the shallow end.
0:05:24 > 0:05:27Right, let's push off slowly from the side.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29Deep breath now, be brave.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34Oh! I'm doing it, Wilf, I'm doing it.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36Well done.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39Ellie, talk me through your swimming essentials.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42Oh, I need a costume, a towel,
0:05:42 > 0:05:44I need swimming goggles
0:05:44 > 0:05:47and I also need a swimming cap.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49Oh, wait, I had a swimming cap once too.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51- Did you?- Yeah, look.
0:05:51 > 0:05:54Cynthia, Cynthia... Come back.
0:05:54 > 0:05:55Oh, she's gone.
0:05:55 > 0:05:57Oh, anyway...
0:05:57 > 0:05:58Let's take a look at some pictures.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00Remember that time that you and Rebecca Adlington
0:06:00 > 0:06:03got photobombed by a ghetto blaster?
0:06:04 > 0:06:07Oh, yeah, we were having a great dance then, though.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09- That was so much fun. - It looks like fun.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11Remember that time when you put a frog on your head
0:06:11 > 0:06:14to be more at one with the aquatic environment?
0:06:14 > 0:06:17- Oh, funny joke, that.- Thank you.
0:06:17 > 0:06:18I've got a serious question now -
0:06:18 > 0:06:20when you first started swimming,
0:06:20 > 0:06:22did you use a float?
0:06:22 > 0:06:23Oh, yes, I did.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26Me too. I started swimming with a milk float.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28I don't know how I drove it underwater,
0:06:28 > 0:06:29but it was very dangerous
0:06:29 > 0:06:31with that electric motor.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33Yes. Oh! Stop it, madam. Yes.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36Ellie, have ye ever played water polo?
0:06:36 > 0:06:39- No, I haven't.- Me neither, I know what you mean.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42It's reet hard to find a horse that will wear a snorkel.
0:06:42 > 0:06:43SHE GIGGLES
0:06:43 > 0:06:47Now, you were the youngest ever recipient of an MBE -
0:06:47 > 0:06:48and you also got an OBE.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50What does that mean?
0:06:50 > 0:06:53So, it's an honour from Her Majesty, the Queen.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56Hmm. Well, I've got an OBOE...
0:06:56 > 0:06:59An oboe.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02HE PLAYS OBOE
0:07:03 > 0:07:05Well, that was easy.
0:07:05 > 0:07:06I don't know what all the fuss is about.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09Ellie, what's your favourite stroke?
0:07:09 > 0:07:11Is it butterfly?
0:07:11 > 0:07:14No, my favourite stroke is...
0:07:14 > 0:07:15front crawl.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17Cos I like stroking butterflies. Look.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19Well, it's not really that. That doesn't...
0:07:19 > 0:07:20Yeah, don't do any of that.
0:07:20 > 0:07:21- You don't?- No.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23All right, well, get out then.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25I also like backstroke.
0:07:25 > 0:07:26Herman!
0:07:26 > 0:07:28Oh, oh, oh. Yes, Mr Hacker?
0:07:28 > 0:07:30Stroke my back.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34- Oh...- Yeah? Yeah?
0:07:34 > 0:07:36- Up a bit.- Yeah?
0:07:36 > 0:07:38Left a bit.
0:07:38 > 0:07:39Oh, that'll do, Herman.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42- I've got a show to do now. Be gone with you.- Oh. sorry.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45- And go and give that a quick rinse, will you?- Bye, Ellie.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47Now, Ellie, do you like cricket?
0:07:47 > 0:07:49It's all right, yeah. It's OK.
0:07:49 > 0:07:52Only all right? Cos I really like cricket.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54I mean, I love cricket.
0:07:54 > 0:07:55Look, here's one now.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57Are you all right, my little cricket chum?
0:07:57 > 0:07:59I call him Beefy Botham.
0:07:59 > 0:08:00All right, Beefy?
0:08:00 > 0:08:03Give him a little stroke. He's nice.
0:08:03 > 0:08:06No! Don't touch him! No, not his face.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08Get out of it.
0:08:08 > 0:08:09Off you go, Beefy.
0:08:09 > 0:08:12Now, what do you think of armbands?
0:08:12 > 0:08:15Oh, I think they are very good for when you start swimming.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17Well, I've got an armband...
0:08:17 > 0:08:18And here they are!
0:08:18 > 0:08:21# Oh, Cecilia
0:08:21 > 0:08:23# I'm down on my knees
0:08:23 > 0:08:26# I'm begging you, please to come home... #
0:08:26 > 0:08:28Come home, baby, come home.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30Yes. Cecilia.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33Lovely job, guys. Now get out!
0:08:33 > 0:08:36You've been listening to my unendingly stupid questions
0:08:36 > 0:08:38for five minutes. You must be tired.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41To be honest, I am pretty tired of you, yeah.
0:08:41 > 0:08:42Cheek of it!
0:08:42 > 0:08:45You try and give a young person a break
0:08:45 > 0:08:46and they speak to you like that.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48I can't believe it.
0:08:48 > 0:08:52I wouldn't get this sort of cheek out of that cricket from earlier.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54Larry, get me away from this ingrate.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56I'm livid.
0:08:56 > 0:08:59- CRICKET SQUEAKS - Get out, Beefy.
0:08:59 > 0:09:00Put on your dancing shoes,
0:09:00 > 0:09:04because it's time for The Next Step But One.
0:09:08 > 0:09:12Right, it's time to choose a new dance captain.
0:09:12 > 0:09:15Move aside! I've got this in the bag.
0:09:15 > 0:09:17She's right...
0:09:17 > 0:09:19THEY GASP
0:09:19 > 0:09:23And in other news, I'm going to be dance captain yet again!
0:09:23 > 0:09:26Actually, I'd like to try out for it.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28What is the meaning of this?
0:09:28 > 0:09:32This - a pronoun used to identify a specific person or thing
0:09:32 > 0:09:35close at hand or being identified or experienced.
0:09:35 > 0:09:38Thank you, cos I didn't know.
0:09:38 > 0:09:45# We'll show the world our moves
0:09:45 > 0:09:46# It's gonna...
0:09:46 > 0:09:48# It's gonna...
0:09:49 > 0:09:53# It's gonna be our chance
0:09:53 > 0:09:56# It's gonna be our chance
0:09:56 > 0:10:00# But none of us can dance
0:10:00 > 0:10:04# But none of us can dance. #
0:10:04 > 0:10:07So, Rochelle wants to be dance captain.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09Who does she think she is?!
0:10:09 > 0:10:11Fortunately, I'm handling the whole situation
0:10:11 > 0:10:13with quiet strength and dignity.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15I'm livid about it!
0:10:15 > 0:10:17I should be captain, not any of you lot.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19I hate all of you. Especially you!
0:10:19 > 0:10:21I can't believe what I'm witnessing.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24I'd never seen such quiet strength
0:10:24 > 0:10:26and dignity.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28Ah, come here!
0:10:29 > 0:10:31There's only one thing for it.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33Emily, Rochelle,
0:10:33 > 0:10:35you'll have to go head-to-head.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39You'll never be captain.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41I've definitely got it in the bag.
0:10:43 > 0:10:44She's right again.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52# Another one bites the dust. #
0:10:53 > 0:10:56The first thing the girls have to do
0:10:56 > 0:10:59is pick their teams for the dance-off.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01Emily, have you finished picking yours yet?
0:11:01 > 0:11:05Nearly, but I've got a reet stubborn crow up here,
0:11:05 > 0:11:06a right crisp one.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08Yeah, but what about your team?
0:11:08 > 0:11:11I think they are having the same problems, cocker. Look...
0:11:12 > 0:11:14So, I finally get my team together
0:11:14 > 0:11:17and I make sure we bond straight away.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20OK, everyone. Hands in the centre...
0:11:20 > 0:11:23# Today this could be
0:11:23 > 0:11:26# The greatest day of... #
0:11:26 > 0:11:27MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY
0:11:37 > 0:11:39When choreographing a routine,
0:11:39 > 0:11:42it's important to keep checking if people are good.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44Hey, team, are we good?
0:11:44 > 0:11:46ALL: We're good!
0:11:46 > 0:11:49I said, are we good?!
0:11:49 > 0:11:51ALL: We're good!
0:11:51 > 0:11:53Good. Lolly, are you good?
0:11:53 > 0:11:55- I'm good.- Good.
0:11:55 > 0:12:00- Turquoise cat-thing, are you good? - I'm good.- Good!
0:12:00 > 0:12:03Strange-looking woman, are you good?
0:12:03 > 0:12:06- I'm good.- Good.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09Oh, Lolly, remind me again, were you good?
0:12:09 > 0:12:11- Yeah, like, I was good.- Good.
0:12:11 > 0:12:14Strange-looking woman, are you good?
0:12:14 > 0:12:15I'm good, yes...
0:12:16 > 0:12:19So, just to be clear, we're all good.
0:12:19 > 0:12:23- Yeah, yeah.- We're still good.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26- Good.- Emily, can we go home now?
0:12:26 > 0:12:28It's like 21.30.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30Half-past nine isn't that late...
0:12:30 > 0:12:32No, no, no. It's the year 2130.
0:12:32 > 0:12:35You've had us, like, dancing for over a century.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37I think I might be dying.
0:12:37 > 0:12:39Oh, get over it.
0:12:46 > 0:12:50Oh, Emily. I'd do anything for you.
0:12:50 > 0:12:53In that case, you must sabotage Rochelle's routine -
0:12:53 > 0:12:56but, whatever you do, don't let the cat out of the bag.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58Don't worry, I won't.
0:13:05 > 0:13:10OK. One-two, one-two-three-four.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18That was utterly...
0:13:18 > 0:13:20brilliant.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22- You mean, I got the job?- No, no.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25I'm afraid you all missed the deadline by 115 years,
0:13:25 > 0:13:29so we had to make someone else dance captain.
0:13:29 > 0:13:32Arr, shuffle hop ball change, landlubbers.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34NAUTICAL MELODY PLAYS
0:13:34 > 0:13:36I can't believe we spent a whole episode
0:13:36 > 0:13:39setting up that weak and laboured punchline.
0:13:39 > 0:13:40Well, that's not all -
0:13:40 > 0:13:42someone let the cat out of the bag.
0:13:45 > 0:13:46There it goes.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48Impressive, isn't it?
0:13:49 > 0:13:52I just can't stand this show sometimes.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54Have you seen anything good on YouBend recently, Derek?
0:13:54 > 0:13:56Have I? Hoo-hoo!
0:13:56 > 0:13:59I watched the most hilarious vlog ever last night.
0:13:59 > 0:14:02Really? Whose vlog is it?
0:14:02 > 0:14:06It's by the most interesting and exciting man I've ever seen.
0:14:06 > 0:14:07Oh, OK then, let's watch it.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09Hoo-hoo!
0:14:09 > 0:14:13Welcome to Wilf's World Of Woodwork Wonders.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15Sorry I've not posted in a while...
0:14:15 > 0:14:17Well, since about half an hour ago.
0:14:17 > 0:14:20I've been busy measuring up panels
0:14:20 > 0:14:22and counting out half-inch nails.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25Anyway, today we're talking about staining fences.
0:14:25 > 0:14:29Step one, make sure your fence is firmly secured
0:14:29 > 0:14:31and definitely won't fall on you,
0:14:31 > 0:14:34resulting in a comedic injury.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36And step two... HE SCREAMS
0:14:36 > 0:14:38I've stained my trousers.
0:14:40 > 0:14:41I don't believe it.
0:14:41 > 0:14:45That was absolutely brilliant!
0:14:45 > 0:14:47Oh, he's hilarious.
0:14:47 > 0:14:48He totally nailed it.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50He didn't nail it, that's why it fell on him.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52There's no need for that, Derek.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54Ooh, don't take of-fence!
0:14:54 > 0:14:55Hoo-hoo!
0:14:56 > 0:14:57(Pathetic.)
0:14:59 > 0:15:02Ellie, why is it that footballers are not allowed to dive?
0:15:02 > 0:15:05Because there's no water.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07Hmm. But diving is a sport as well, isn't it?
0:15:07 > 0:15:10- Oh, yeah. Yes, it is. - A-ha! Checkmate.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12Because when I go down the swimming baths,
0:15:12 > 0:15:14there's a big sign saying, "No diving."
0:15:14 > 0:15:17So, you can't even dive there and it's a sport.
0:15:17 > 0:15:18I don't get it.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20I think you've got a bit confused there.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22No, I didn't.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24It's all a load of old nonsense, sport.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26- That's what it is. - Oh, no, it's not.
0:15:26 > 0:15:30I think you'll find that's where you're wrong, my dear.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34# I can't find a thing to do
0:15:34 > 0:15:36# I'm so very bored
0:15:36 > 0:15:38# I tried asking Ellie here
0:15:38 > 0:15:40# She said to do some sport
0:15:40 > 0:15:44# Physical activity I'm not that keen at all
0:15:44 > 0:15:48# I've got better things to do than chase after balls
0:15:48 > 0:15:50# I'm fed up with Federer
0:15:50 > 0:15:52# I'm not the sort to play the sport
0:15:52 > 0:15:54# Rooney could do betterer
0:15:54 > 0:15:56# I'm not the sort to play the sport
0:15:56 > 0:15:58# What on earth's a pommel horse?
0:15:58 > 0:16:00# I'm not the sort to play the sport
0:16:00 > 0:16:03# Golf's more dull than ancient Norse
0:16:03 > 0:16:08# No more sport
0:16:08 > 0:16:10# Ellie tried to make me see
0:16:10 > 0:16:12# Sport can make you fit
0:16:12 > 0:16:14# But I'd rather lie in bed
0:16:14 > 0:16:16# Than put on my kit
0:16:16 > 0:16:18# Getting sweaty isn't fun
0:16:18 > 0:16:20# Jogging's not my taste
0:16:20 > 0:16:22# If I want a beach body
0:16:22 > 0:16:24# I'll cut down on my paste
0:16:24 > 0:16:26# I would rather collect gnomes...
0:16:26 > 0:16:29# I'm not the sort to play the sport
0:16:29 > 0:16:30# ..Than go to the velodrome
0:16:30 > 0:16:33# I'm not the sort to play the sport
0:16:33 > 0:16:34# You're a fool if you can't see
0:16:34 > 0:16:37# I'm not the sort to play the sport
0:16:37 > 0:16:39# Sports will never interest me
0:16:39 > 0:16:40# No
0:16:40 > 0:16:42# More
0:16:42 > 0:16:44# Sport
0:16:44 > 0:16:46# Except snooker
0:16:46 > 0:16:49# Oh, snooker, yes! #
0:16:51 > 0:16:53Oh, look, she's clapping.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56It's a pity clap, but I'll still take it, cocker.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59I will say this, Ellie, lawn bowls is actually quite fun to watch -
0:16:59 > 0:17:01I don't mind saying that.
0:17:01 > 0:17:02Oh, that's something.
0:17:02 > 0:17:04So, did you like it when I got the gold medal?
0:17:04 > 0:17:08Oh, yes, and it was brilliant when you beat your own world record.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11- So you do like sport then?- Never!
0:17:11 > 0:17:13But, yes, I secretly do.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15No, no, sport's not my thing, no.
0:17:15 > 0:17:16I love the sport.
0:17:16 > 0:17:17Oh, I can't bear the sport.
0:17:17 > 0:17:20Oh, the sport - I love it. I love sport!
0:17:20 > 0:17:21No, you don't, you hate it.
0:17:21 > 0:17:22No, I love it.
0:17:22 > 0:17:23Oh, Ellie. Ellie, I'm confused.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25Ellie... I don't know what to do.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28Larry, Larry, what's coming up?
0:17:28 > 0:17:29I don't understand it.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31Badminton, I don't think so.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33Croquet, ooh!
0:17:33 > 0:17:37It's a little-known fact that I was All-American champion
0:17:37 > 0:17:39in the grand old sport of introducing...
0:17:39 > 0:17:41back in California.
0:17:42 > 0:17:44Now, what's coming up next?
0:17:44 > 0:17:47Oh, yeah! This.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49Coming up on Hacker Time,
0:17:49 > 0:17:51Hacker reveals his favourite word...
0:17:51 > 0:17:52Bull's-eye!
0:17:52 > 0:17:55Hacker replaces his favourite word with a new favourite word...
0:17:55 > 0:17:59- Coriolanus! - Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01And Wilf gets the boot at long last.
0:18:04 > 0:18:08Nutrition's important for a sportsperson, isn't it, Ellie?
0:18:08 > 0:18:09Oh, yeah, very.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12It's important for a chat show host too, you know, cocker.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14Got to keep your strength up for this high-end banter.
0:18:14 > 0:18:17- BELL RINGS - Oh, dinner's up.
0:18:17 > 0:18:18I better go and get a move on,
0:18:18 > 0:18:20I need to take a "leak".
0:18:20 > 0:18:22Come on, you. I need to go to the lavatory first.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25Ha-ha-ha, ha-ha-ha.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27Oh, wait for me!
0:18:27 > 0:18:28What about me?
0:18:33 > 0:18:35LEEK SCREAMS
0:18:35 > 0:18:38Wilf, we need to be more eco-friendly.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41We'll cut down on costs and save the Earth to boot.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43Oh, good. I like boots,
0:18:43 > 0:18:45I've just got a new pair myself.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47I've got this guide -
0:18:47 > 0:18:50Go Green And Stay Lean.
0:18:50 > 0:18:52I'm lean and green.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55Not you. I'm talking about saving money.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57Although, stick around,
0:18:57 > 0:18:59I might have a role for you later on...
0:18:59 > 0:19:02A "casserole", that is!
0:19:02 > 0:19:04Right, got to go. Bye.
0:19:04 > 0:19:08It says here we need a smaller carbon footprint.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11Well, I could stop wearing smaller carbon boots,
0:19:11 > 0:19:13but I've only just got these.
0:19:14 > 0:19:18Apparently our food needs to be responsibly sourced.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20I'm very responsible with the sauce.
0:19:20 > 0:19:24My portions of ketchup are very frugal.
0:19:24 > 0:19:26We also need to recycle more.
0:19:26 > 0:19:27We do recycle.
0:19:27 > 0:19:3090% of the jokes in this sketch are recycled.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32Including that one.
0:19:32 > 0:19:37Most importantly, we need to stop using so much power.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39Electric, petrol...
0:19:39 > 0:19:42- It's all got to go.- OK, my love.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47But now we can't cook anything.
0:19:47 > 0:19:49I'll fire up the van.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52Oh, Wilf!
0:19:52 > 0:19:54BELL RINGS
0:19:54 > 0:19:56HE BURPS
0:19:56 > 0:19:58Hacker Time is proud to present...
0:19:58 > 0:20:00Simmonds' Secrets To Sporting Success.
0:20:04 > 0:20:07First things first, get a coach...
0:20:07 > 0:20:10- One step ahead of you there, cocker. - HORN BLARES
0:20:10 > 0:20:14It's a 56-seater, all fitted with seatbelts.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16..and remember to train regularly.
0:20:16 > 0:20:20Whoa. Why do I need a train when I've got a coach?
0:20:20 > 0:20:23But, at first, it's best to build up your stamina -
0:20:23 > 0:20:26so don't do anything too taxing.
0:20:26 > 0:20:27Did somebody say taxi?
0:20:27 > 0:20:30Oh, that's my cab to take me to the train station.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32I've got a coach to catch. Ha-ha!
0:20:36 > 0:20:39You've got to choose your sport carefully,
0:20:39 > 0:20:40according to your own strengths.
0:20:40 > 0:20:43Well, I can't grip anything with these little paws -
0:20:43 > 0:20:45so that rules out darts...
0:20:45 > 0:20:46Good, what else?
0:20:46 > 0:20:49..and I can't count, so that rules out darts.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51It might be more useful to think of things you CAN do.
0:20:51 > 0:20:56My paw/eye coordination is well off, so that rules out darts.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58I think all that tells us something.
0:20:58 > 0:20:59It does indeed, cocker.
0:20:59 > 0:21:01Stop going on about darts, Ellie Simmonds.
0:21:01 > 0:21:05Darts, darts, darts - I'm bored of it.
0:21:05 > 0:21:08Well, if anyone is entitled to be bored of darts around here,
0:21:08 > 0:21:09it's me.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11Bull's-eye!
0:21:15 > 0:21:18To help with nutrition and energy, try to keep a food diary.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21I do that, yeah. I keep the leek's diary.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23Look, I'll read you an excerpt.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25"Monday, Wilf took me to the pool
0:21:25 > 0:21:26"and I disgraced myself again -
0:21:26 > 0:21:28"when will I learn?" Ha-ha.
0:21:28 > 0:21:32"Wednesday, how am I even writing this? I'm a leek."
0:21:32 > 0:21:34Fair point.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40My last tip is the most important.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42Always remember, never give up.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44Oh, I give up.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46What do you mean?
0:21:46 > 0:21:47I mean, I give up giving up.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49So you don't give up?
0:21:49 > 0:21:52- That's the spirit. - Not really, I give up.
0:21:52 > 0:21:55- What?- I give up giving up on giving up.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57In other words... I give up.
0:21:57 > 0:22:02- Oh, I give up. - Oh, she's given up.
0:22:02 > 0:22:06Oh, my. If you thought that was bad, wait till you see this.
0:22:06 > 0:22:09It's the Quarter Past 4 O'Clock Club.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11BELL RINGS
0:22:11 > 0:22:15To be or not to be, that is the question.
0:22:15 > 0:22:18No, the question is - why are you talking to a plastic skull?
0:22:18 > 0:22:20I'm not talking, Josh. I am acting.
0:22:20 > 0:22:24We're doing a play by the great William Shakespeare.
0:22:24 > 0:22:26Shakespeare? But he's dull as old pebbledash.
0:22:26 > 0:22:28Can we not do Grease?
0:22:28 > 0:22:30I'd be an ace Pink Lady.
0:22:30 > 0:22:34No, Josh. It's Shakespeare and that is that.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36# Talking about a man
0:22:36 > 0:22:37# One of life's winners
0:22:37 > 0:22:39# More plays and sonnets than you've had hot dinners
0:22:39 > 0:22:41# Macbeth, Othello, Midsummer Night's Dream
0:22:41 > 0:22:44# He wrote so much that it would make you scream
0:22:44 > 0:22:46# I've got no time for that old-fashioned tat
0:22:46 > 0:22:48# To be or not to be, Forsooth and all that
0:22:48 > 0:22:50# The guy's off his rocker He makes no sense
0:22:50 > 0:22:53# I'd rather watch paint dry on my garden fence
0:22:53 > 0:22:54# But old Billy S
0:22:54 > 0:22:56# Man, what a dude
0:22:56 > 0:22:58# He wrote about three witches standing in a brood
0:22:58 > 0:23:00# Said that thing about music and food
0:23:00 > 0:23:01# And what about Caesar?
0:23:01 > 0:23:02# He was no good
0:23:02 > 0:23:05# Enough about that rubbish It means nowt to me
0:23:05 > 0:23:07# The whole works were surely typed up by a monkey
0:23:07 > 0:23:09# Pericles, The Tempest, Richard III
0:23:09 > 0:23:12# I'd rather be with Derek spotting boring birds
0:23:12 > 0:23:14# Josh, this man, he is our favourite bard
0:23:14 > 0:23:15# Wrote nearly 40 plays
0:23:15 > 0:23:16# Oh, that must have been hard
0:23:16 > 0:23:19# Hamlet, King Lear, The Taming Of The Shrew
0:23:19 > 0:23:21# I'd rather stir stilton in my milky brew
0:23:21 > 0:23:22# The man is filth
0:23:22 > 0:23:23# His words are rotten
0:23:23 > 0:23:26# Josh, there's a character and he's called Bottom. #
0:23:26 > 0:23:27I love him!
0:23:27 > 0:23:29Ha-ha! Great, now that that is settled,
0:23:29 > 0:23:30let's start with rehearsals.
0:23:30 > 0:23:33- Oh, yes, and what play is it? - Coriolanus.
0:23:33 > 0:23:36I'm sorry to hear that, but let's carry on anyway.
0:23:38 > 0:23:40BELL RINGS
0:23:40 > 0:23:44Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for the greatest quiz of them all,
0:23:44 > 0:23:46the part of the show we like to call...
0:23:46 > 0:23:49Sit On The Lav-Lav And Answer Some Questions.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52TENSE MUSIC PLAYS
0:23:52 > 0:23:55TOILET FLUSHES
0:23:55 > 0:23:58Ellie, the rules of this game are bog-standard.
0:23:58 > 0:24:01It's still funny that, isn't it? All you have to do is...
0:24:01 > 0:24:04TENSE MUSIC PLAYS
0:24:04 > 0:24:06TOILET FLUSHES
0:24:06 > 0:24:08..Sit On The Lav-Lav And Answer Some Questions.
0:24:08 > 0:24:12Hey, hey! How does it feel being sat upon my throne?
0:24:12 > 0:24:15- It's actually better than expected. - Isn't it, cocker?
0:24:15 > 0:24:17That's what they all say.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19The time will end when you hear this sound...
0:24:19 > 0:24:22You don't know your onions like I know my onions.
0:24:22 > 0:24:24- Are you ready?- I'm ready.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26In that case, start the clock.
0:24:28 > 0:24:31Tenpin bowling, true or false?
0:24:31 > 0:24:36- True.- I'm afraid you're wrong, the answer was actually Cairo.- Oh.
0:24:36 > 0:24:39Next question, what is the Super Bowl?
0:24:39 > 0:24:42- Sport?- Nope, it's a massive bowl for serving soup in.
0:24:42 > 0:24:46It can hold three cans of cream of chicken.
0:24:46 > 0:24:49Please welcome my chum and soon-to-be yours.
0:24:49 > 0:24:52It's the beloved Acky G!
0:24:52 > 0:24:55It's Accordion George, Acky G!
0:24:55 > 0:24:58Ack, Ack, Ack, Ack - The Big Juicy G! Yes!
0:24:58 > 0:25:01Acky G is going to play a fantastic tune on his favourite ack,
0:25:01 > 0:25:04but you must guess what song he's playing.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06Take it away, Accordion G!
0:25:07 > 0:25:11HE PLAYS UPBEAT SONG
0:25:22 > 0:25:25Right, Ellie, you've got very little hope of getting this -
0:25:25 > 0:25:29but what was The Big G playing on his favourite juicy ack?
0:25:29 > 0:25:30I think I've got this one.
0:25:30 > 0:25:32George Ezra - Budapest.
0:25:32 > 0:25:34Let's find out if you're right.
0:25:34 > 0:25:36# My house in Budapest
0:25:36 > 0:25:38# My hidden treasure chest
0:25:38 > 0:25:40# Golden grand piano
0:25:40 > 0:25:42# My beautiful Castillo
0:25:42 > 0:25:43# Oh, you
0:25:43 > 0:25:45# Oh, you
0:25:45 > 0:25:46# Oh, I'd leave it all... #
0:25:46 > 0:25:49Yes, it was Budapest by George Ezra.
0:25:49 > 0:25:52I'm not sure how you got it, because you were rubbish there, George.
0:25:52 > 0:25:54Have you got jam all down your keys?
0:25:54 > 0:25:56Acky G, you are a waste of space -
0:25:56 > 0:25:58now, go away.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00Go on, out of my sight.
0:26:00 > 0:26:02Next question, Ellie.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04Are you a good sport?
0:26:04 > 0:26:05Yes.
0:26:05 > 0:26:06No! You're not a good sport.
0:26:06 > 0:26:08You're a person.
0:26:08 > 0:26:11You don't know your onions like I know my onions.
0:26:11 > 0:26:15Time's up. That means you've won tonight's star prize.
0:26:15 > 0:26:17A banana skin!
0:26:17 > 0:26:19Skin only, flesh not included.
0:26:19 > 0:26:23What do you think about that, cocker? A rancid old fruit husk.
0:26:23 > 0:26:25One of the best prizes I have ever had(!)
0:26:25 > 0:26:28Yeah, I know. It is a tad underwhelming, that prize, isn't it?
0:26:28 > 0:26:30- Yeah.- But worry ye not, cocker,
0:26:30 > 0:26:33because you've also won a day trip for one
0:26:33 > 0:26:35to the wastepipes 'neath this very studio.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37Have you got any last words before you go?
0:26:37 > 0:26:39I'd just like to thank...
0:26:39 > 0:26:40DOOR SLAMS
0:26:40 > 0:26:43- KNOCK AT DOOR - Herman, flush her away!
0:26:43 > 0:26:46Oh, no!
0:26:47 > 0:26:51Ha-ha-ha! Oh, what a curious life I lead.
0:26:51 > 0:26:54Now, before I go and get some haslet in for my tea,
0:26:54 > 0:26:56here's a little song to say ta-ra with.
0:26:56 > 0:26:58Join in if you know the words.
0:27:03 > 0:27:06# That is it for now, the end of the show
0:27:06 > 0:27:08# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go
0:27:08 > 0:27:10# I'll see you next time on this show of mine
0:27:10 > 0:27:13# Put it in your diary, it's called Hacker Time
0:27:13 > 0:27:15# It's been amazing, we've been larking around
0:27:15 > 0:27:18# The whole programme cost just under a pound
0:27:18 > 0:27:20# But watch again next time cos we've got much more
0:27:20 > 0:27:21# There'll be tonnes of other funny stuff
0:27:21 > 0:27:22# It will be top drawer
0:27:22 > 0:27:25# Ellie Simmonds came along
0:27:25 > 0:27:27# Tried to tell me sport was fun
0:27:27 > 0:27:29# She gave me a masterclass
0:27:29 > 0:27:30# But we found out Beyond a doubt
0:27:30 > 0:27:32# That I just can't be made to run
0:27:32 > 0:27:34# That is it for now, the end of the show
0:27:34 > 0:27:37# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go
0:27:37 > 0:27:39# I'll see you next time on this show of mine
0:27:39 > 0:27:41# Put it in your diary, it's called Hacker Time
0:27:41 > 0:27:44# Put it in your diary, it's called Hacker Time
0:27:44 > 0:27:47# That is the end of today's Hacker Time! #
0:27:47 > 0:27:48Anyone fancy a swim?
0:27:48 > 0:27:50- SPLASH - Kaplosh!