0:00:02 > 0:00:04Hacker Time is not recommended in 35 countries,
0:00:04 > 0:00:05including this one!
0:00:07 > 0:00:08Morning, everyone!
0:00:08 > 0:00:10CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:10 > 0:00:12Hang on,
0:00:12 > 0:00:13where did that applause come from?
0:00:13 > 0:00:16A studio audience snuck in overnight.
0:00:16 > 0:00:17- Look!- Eh?
0:00:17 > 0:00:19You all right, cockers?
0:00:19 > 0:00:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:21 > 0:00:22What are they doing now?
0:00:22 > 0:00:26Well, they're trained to cheer at every popular catchphrase.
0:00:26 > 0:00:27Really?
0:00:27 > 0:00:29Yes, Mr Hacker.
0:00:29 > 0:00:30CHEERING
0:00:31 > 0:00:34I'll fire up the van!
0:00:34 > 0:00:35CHEERING
0:00:36 > 0:00:38Whoo-hoo!
0:00:38 > 0:00:40AUDIENCE BOOS
0:00:40 > 0:00:42Oh, no.
0:00:42 > 0:00:43Oh...
0:00:45 > 0:00:46Never mind.
0:00:46 > 0:00:49They will laugh whenever we do something funny.
0:00:49 > 0:00:51Well, here's a joke then.
0:00:51 > 0:00:53What's green, smelly
0:00:53 > 0:00:56and can't produce a programme to save its life?
0:00:56 > 0:00:58I have no idea.
0:00:58 > 0:00:59Derek.
0:00:59 > 0:01:01LAUGHTER
0:01:04 > 0:01:06Very good, Lorraine, very good.
0:01:06 > 0:01:11But I think they'll laugh even louder at some slapstick comedy.
0:01:11 > 0:01:13Herman, slap me with that fish.
0:01:13 > 0:01:14SQUELCH
0:01:14 > 0:01:16Oh, they're not reacting.
0:01:16 > 0:01:17Fish slap me again.
0:01:17 > 0:01:18SQUELCH
0:01:18 > 0:01:20Nothing. And again!
0:01:20 > 0:01:22SMACK Oh!
0:01:22 > 0:01:24LAUGHTER I'm seriously injured.
0:01:24 > 0:01:26LAUGHTER
0:01:26 > 0:01:29Hey, you lot, I'm in a great deal of pain!
0:01:29 > 0:01:31LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:01:32 > 0:01:34Somebody stop them laughing!
0:01:36 > 0:01:40Very well - here's today's episode of Hacker Time.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42AUDIENCE HISSES That's better. Whoo-hoo!
0:01:42 > 0:01:44Oh! Stop!
0:01:44 > 0:01:46Oh, me everything!
0:01:46 > 0:01:48LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:01:50 > 0:01:51# You're gonna watch this
0:01:54 > 0:01:55# You gotta watch this!
0:01:57 > 0:01:58# You gotta watch this!
0:02:00 > 0:02:03# My, my, my, my programme hits you
0:02:03 > 0:02:04# So hard, makes me say
0:02:04 > 0:02:05# Oh, my word!
0:02:05 > 0:02:07# Thank you for watching me
0:02:07 > 0:02:09# It's telly, but not what you normally see
0:02:09 > 0:02:11# It feels good, there's outtakes too
0:02:11 > 0:02:12# Comedy, guests and clips, it's true
0:02:12 > 0:02:14# So sit back - don't move too much
0:02:14 > 0:02:17# This is the show you can't touch
0:02:17 > 0:02:19- # Stop! - Hacker Time! #
0:02:19 > 0:02:21Thank you.
0:02:21 > 0:02:22Stand by, everyone.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24We're on air in five,
0:02:24 > 0:02:27four, three,
0:02:27 > 0:02:30two, one...
0:02:30 > 0:02:32LAUGHTER
0:02:32 > 0:02:33Cue, Larry.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36Ladies and gentlemen, do not adjust your sets.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38He really is that disgusting!
0:02:38 > 0:02:41It's Hacker T Dog!
0:02:41 > 0:02:43- APPLAUSE - You all right, cockers? Hey, hey!
0:02:43 > 0:02:46I'm pleased to say that today's guest is a highly respected
0:02:46 > 0:02:49broadcaster with a glittering televisual career.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51Hello!
0:02:51 > 0:02:54Not you, Yonko! Go away!
0:02:54 > 0:02:56AUDIENCE: Aw!
0:02:56 > 0:02:58Don't show him any pity, will you?
0:02:58 > 0:03:01As I was saying, today's guest is a real presenter
0:03:01 > 0:03:04who does wildlife shows, or something.
0:03:04 > 0:03:05He's on his way now.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07HE YELPS WITH EXCITEMENT
0:03:07 > 0:03:09PHONE RINGS Hi, Tim Warwood here
0:03:09 > 0:03:12- to do a wildlife show or something. - Oh, sounds great.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14- Step this way, Mr... - Warwood, actually.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16We need a new photograph for your ID badge.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18No, I'm all right. I think I've got one.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20- Get in the booth, in the booth. Go on, sir.- Really? OK.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23Shut those curtains. Shut 'em. Shut 'em tight.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26Get inside. Yeah. Doors, doors, please.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28Tim Warwood. Ah...
0:03:28 > 0:03:30- BUZZ - Down.
0:03:30 > 0:03:31LAUGHTER
0:03:31 > 0:03:33SIRENS BLARE Let me out of here!
0:03:35 > 0:03:37HACKER HUMS
0:03:39 > 0:03:41Please, welcome today's special guest,
0:03:41 > 0:03:44wildlife presenter Tim Warwood!
0:03:44 > 0:03:46HE SCREAMS
0:03:47 > 0:03:50Yeah, I'm fine, absolutely fine.
0:03:50 > 0:03:54Welcome to Hacker Time, Tim Warwood!
0:03:54 > 0:03:57No, absolutely no way. I'm not doing this, no.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59But, Tim, War-wouldn't you do it?
0:03:59 > 0:04:02Because of that, because of all the jokes that you always do.
0:04:02 > 0:04:03All right, all right, Tim.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05I promise to stop with the jokes.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07Do you? All right. I'll stay.
0:04:07 > 0:04:10- HACKER CHUCKLES - WARWOOD I stop?!
0:04:10 > 0:04:14Derek, WARWOOD you do the honours and play the fact file?
0:04:14 > 0:04:17I carried on in your honour, sir.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19Certainly, my little owl.
0:04:19 > 0:04:20Warwood!
0:04:22 > 0:04:26Tim Warwood presents CBBC's Wild and Wild And Weird.
0:04:26 > 0:04:29He can also turn his thumb into a rat. Hm...
0:04:29 > 0:04:31Tim used to be a top snowboarder,
0:04:31 > 0:04:34but now he's too old for all that stuff.
0:04:34 > 0:04:38Tim once forgot he was on TV and ran into the studio mid-shower.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40Still, nothing's as bad as the time he turned up
0:04:40 > 0:04:43dressed as a caterpillar construction worker.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45And he's always sat next to Naomi.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48That's all you need to know about Tim Warwood!
0:04:50 > 0:04:52Wow! That was your life!
0:04:52 > 0:04:56I've never seen anything so dull and harrowing in equal measure.
0:04:56 > 0:04:57Hello!
0:04:57 > 0:04:59Get out, Yonks!
0:04:59 > 0:05:01AUDIENCE: Aw!
0:05:01 > 0:05:04And stop pitying him, will you?
0:05:04 > 0:05:07Tim, WARWOOD you like to see what's coming up?
0:05:07 > 0:05:09- Yeah, go on.- Hurrah.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12Lazza, do the honours, me old mucka!
0:05:12 > 0:05:16Get ready to laugh like a hyena and cry like an upset swan,
0:05:16 > 0:05:18because today's Hacker Time
0:05:18 > 0:05:20is all about wildlife!
0:05:21 > 0:05:24WARWOOD he do this?
0:05:24 > 0:05:25Whoa.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27WARWOOD she do that?
0:05:27 > 0:05:28THEY GRUNT
0:05:28 > 0:05:31And WARWOOD anyone watch this?
0:05:31 > 0:05:33Oh, War-wouldn't you like to know?
0:05:36 > 0:05:38Looks almost bearable, doesn't it, thingy?
0:05:38 > 0:05:40It's Tim, actually.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43Now, may I now stuff a series of questions into your withered
0:05:43 > 0:05:45- old ears, Tom?- Tim. Go on, yeah.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48Question one - what is wildlife?
0:05:48 > 0:05:51It's everything, isn't it? Animals, insects...
0:05:51 > 0:05:52No!
0:05:52 > 0:05:55I think you'll find THIS is wildlife.
0:05:55 > 0:05:57DANCE MUSIC POUNDS
0:06:01 > 0:06:04HORN BLARES
0:06:04 > 0:06:06Yes, yes, yes. There you go.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09Much better than that boring wildlife that you're always
0:06:09 > 0:06:11- harping on about, don't you think? - Not really.
0:06:11 > 0:06:14- I mean, well, different tastes, I suppose.- Well...
0:06:14 > 0:06:17Now, Tim, you've seen lots of animals, haven't you?
0:06:17 > 0:06:19Gorillas, tigers, even rabbits.
0:06:19 > 0:06:20Speaking of which,
0:06:20 > 0:06:24do you remember that time you spotted the world's wildest hare?
0:06:24 > 0:06:26Erm...not really.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28LAUGHTER Yeah, I do.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30- It's Radzi's hair. - Radzi's hair.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32Yeah, he should use a dry shampoo, shouldn't he?
0:06:32 > 0:06:35- Yeah.- How dare you?
0:06:35 > 0:06:37I'll have you know I'm the world's wildest hare
0:06:37 > 0:06:41and I resent there being any suggestion otherwise. Hm!
0:06:41 > 0:06:44- Ooh! What a wild hare!- Blimey.
0:06:44 > 0:06:47Tim, what's the scariest creature on the planet?
0:06:47 > 0:06:50Is it Naomi Wilkinson before she's had her mandatory
0:06:50 > 0:06:51full English breakfast?
0:06:51 > 0:06:54- Look at her there.- Oh, yeah, I think it might be.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56- LAUGHTER - Seriously though,
0:06:56 > 0:06:58what is the scariest creature on the planet?
0:06:58 > 0:07:00Ooh, erm...
0:07:00 > 0:07:02definitely a great white shark.
0:07:02 > 0:07:06Well, it's your lucky day, Tom, because we've got one here now!
0:07:06 > 0:07:08What?
0:07:08 > 0:07:09Whoa!
0:07:09 > 0:07:12Don't worry, it's only Herman with a fin on his head.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15- HE SIGHS - Oh, no, not me, Mr Hacker.
0:07:15 > 0:07:19- DRAMATIC MUSIC - But if it's not Herman, then...
0:07:19 > 0:07:21THEY GASP
0:07:22 > 0:07:24It's me.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26What do you think about me new quiff?
0:07:26 > 0:07:29That's the weirdest hair I've ever seen.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31How dare you?
0:07:31 > 0:07:34I'll have you know I'm the weirdest hare you've ever seen.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37Oh, yeah? Just how weird?
0:07:37 > 0:07:41I'm going to stack your dishwasher in an unconventional fashion. Hm!
0:07:41 > 0:07:45Ooh! How very War-weird.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48Anyway, the joke's on him, cos I never wash my dishes!
0:07:48 > 0:07:52Now, Tim, you're also interested in winter sports, aren't you?
0:07:52 > 0:07:54- Yeah.- But which one's your favourite?
0:07:54 > 0:07:56Definitely snowboarding.
0:07:56 > 0:07:57- Snowboarding.- Yeah.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00While you're here, would you like to find out the results of the curling?
0:08:00 > 0:08:02- Yeah, why not.- Very well.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05Wilf, what are the results of the curling?
0:08:05 > 0:08:06See for yourself.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09I've had a perm done to get rid of that terrible quiff.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13Now, cocker, that brings us to the end of the interview.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15I can't believe we got through it
0:08:15 > 0:08:17- without something disastrous happening.- I know.
0:08:17 > 0:08:18Oh...
0:08:18 > 0:08:21Don't worry about it, Tim, you'll be fine. It's Herman this time.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23- Yeah.- No, it's not.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26He's gone down to the hairdressers to watch the curling.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28Then that means...
0:08:28 > 0:08:29THEY SCREECH
0:08:29 > 0:08:30Shark! Shark!
0:08:30 > 0:08:32Shark!
0:08:33 > 0:08:35Wait! Where did everybody go?
0:08:35 > 0:08:37I only wanted to show off my new quiff.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39AUDIENCE: Aw!
0:08:39 > 0:08:40Stop pitying him, will you?!
0:08:40 > 0:08:44Larry, cut to something else! What a mess.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47Put on your dancing shoes, because it's time for
0:08:47 > 0:08:49The Next Step...But One.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57I can't believe it,
0:08:57 > 0:08:59Emma-Lee is actually looking at me.
0:08:59 > 0:09:03You're the most handsome guy I've ever seen.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06Would you like to grab a juice with me?
0:09:06 > 0:09:08Oh, of course I would, darling.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11Mine is a turnip smoothie.
0:09:11 > 0:09:12Good choice.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14HE CHUCKLES
0:09:14 > 0:09:16Oh, just look at him.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19I've got butterflies in my stomach.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22Oh, well that's because you've been eating butterflies.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25LAUGHTER
0:09:25 > 0:09:27Eddon, there's something I have to say.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30I,
0:09:30 > 0:09:32O...
0:09:32 > 0:09:33I...
0:09:33 > 0:09:34I...
0:09:34 > 0:09:37- E, O...- Well done.
0:09:37 > 0:09:38You've passed your eye test.
0:09:38 > 0:09:39Great.
0:09:39 > 0:09:41Oh, by the way,
0:09:41 > 0:09:43I love you.
0:09:43 > 0:09:44A?
0:09:44 > 0:09:47Well done, you've passed your eye test, too.
0:09:47 > 0:09:54# We'll show the world our moves
0:09:55 > 0:09:56# It's going
0:09:56 > 0:09:58# It's going
0:10:00 > 0:10:03# It's going to be our chance
0:10:03 > 0:10:06# It's going to be our chance
0:10:06 > 0:10:10# But none of us can dance
0:10:10 > 0:10:13# None of us can dance. #
0:10:14 > 0:10:18When Rochelle said she loved me, I couldn't believe what I was hearing.
0:10:18 > 0:10:21Rochelle, you've just said you love me
0:10:21 > 0:10:23and I can't believe what I'm hearing.
0:10:23 > 0:10:27When Eddon said he couldn't believe what he was hearing after
0:10:27 > 0:10:30- I said I loved him, I couldn't believe what- I- was hearing!
0:10:30 > 0:10:32Eddon, you said you can't believe
0:10:32 > 0:10:34what you're hearing after I said I loved you,
0:10:34 > 0:10:37but now I can't believe what I'm hearing after you just said
0:10:37 > 0:10:39you can't believe what you're hearing after I said I love you...
0:10:39 > 0:10:41Can we move the story along, please?
0:10:41 > 0:10:44It's getting a little bit much, innit?
0:10:44 > 0:10:46OK. Eddon, will you go out with me?
0:10:46 > 0:10:49You've got the most lustrous hairs, haven't you?
0:10:51 > 0:10:55I suppose the answer has to be...yes.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57Ugh, what did he say?!
0:10:57 > 0:11:00Does this mean we're actually seeing each other?
0:11:00 > 0:11:02Yes, I can confirm that you're both
0:11:02 > 0:11:05seeing each other very clearly. Ha-ha.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07Why is there even an optician in here?
0:11:09 > 0:11:13# Another one bites the dust - oww! #
0:11:13 > 0:11:15SHE GIGGLES
0:11:17 > 0:11:20More turnip smoothie, honey, bunny, sugar lump?
0:11:20 > 0:11:23No, thanks, snuggly, wuggly, fuzzy, wuzzy, rainbow, kitten...face.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27So I walk in and see those two canoodling,
0:11:27 > 0:11:29and it instantly makes me sick!
0:11:31 > 0:11:35- There's your turnip smoothie. - Thanks. Now to vomit.
0:11:35 > 0:11:40- Emma-Lee, do you have a problem with our relationship?- Well, duh!
0:11:40 > 0:11:42Everyone knows that I'm in love with Eddon.
0:11:42 > 0:11:43SHE GASPS
0:11:43 > 0:11:45You are?
0:11:45 > 0:11:49Ohh, I couldn't have made it clearer.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51Emma-Lee, will you go out with me?
0:11:51 > 0:11:53HACKER OINKS
0:11:54 > 0:11:57Emma-Lee, will you go out with me?
0:11:57 > 0:12:00HACKER SNORTS AND YAPS
0:12:02 > 0:12:04Emma-Lee, will you go out with me?
0:12:04 > 0:12:07HACKER SNORTS AND RETCHES
0:12:07 > 0:12:09Woo-woo! Mahhh!
0:12:09 > 0:12:11HACKER CAWS
0:12:11 > 0:12:13Cuckoo!
0:12:13 > 0:12:16See? Could not have made it clearer.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18Well, you can't have him, he is mine.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20THEY OINK
0:12:20 > 0:12:22HACKER CAWS AND SHRIEKS
0:12:22 > 0:12:23So Emma-Lee's like... HE OINKS
0:12:23 > 0:12:25And Michelle's like... HE OINKS
0:12:25 > 0:12:26And Emma-Lee's like... HE OINKS
0:12:26 > 0:12:28And Michelle's like... HE OINKS
0:12:28 > 0:12:30And I'm like, "I have to do something."
0:12:30 > 0:12:35Girls, please! There's only one way to settle this.
0:12:35 > 0:12:39I will have to pick the one that I think is the most beautiful.
0:12:39 > 0:12:41THEY GASP
0:12:41 > 0:12:43- HACKER COUGHS - Excuse me.
0:12:43 > 0:12:44Cheating, that.
0:12:51 > 0:12:56So, who is the most beautiful?
0:12:56 > 0:12:59It definitely has to be...
0:12:59 > 0:13:00you. ROCHELLE GASPS
0:13:00 > 0:13:04You're gorgeous. Fancy a turnip smoothie?
0:13:04 > 0:13:08Oh, darling... you had me at "turnip."
0:13:08 > 0:13:09ALL: Awww.
0:13:09 > 0:13:13- BELL RINGS - Well done, you've all passed.
0:13:13 > 0:13:17Oh, it gets worse. Ooh, let's watch something on YouBend.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20Oh, I know, we can watch that Hacker Time mashup.
0:13:20 > 0:13:23It's trending all over the web. I love a good mashup -
0:13:23 > 0:13:25with a pie. Hoo-hoo!
0:13:25 > 0:13:29No, Derek, it's nothing to do with a pie and mash,
0:13:29 > 0:13:31it's a mashup of clips of Hacker Time.
0:13:31 > 0:13:34I know, I like to watch mashups with a pie!
0:13:34 > 0:13:36SMOOCH
0:13:36 > 0:13:37Stick it on.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41Today's show... Is 15%... Utter rubbish.
0:13:41 > 0:13:4415%... Hideous! The rest of the show...
0:13:44 > 0:13:48- Is stupid...unfunny...- Hurrah! - ..and totally one-dimensional.
0:13:48 > 0:13:52- Wooo!- And worst of all... - He's just so, you know, "Nneagh!"
0:13:52 > 0:13:53Nneagh! Nneagh!
0:13:53 > 0:13:56- I'm sorry... - We have to get rid of him.- Moving on.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59- PARP - It's basic comedy, this.
0:13:59 > 0:14:00PARP
0:14:00 > 0:14:02This is awkward. Oh, me privets!
0:14:02 > 0:14:05- I don't get it.- That was really well done, that, wasn't it?
0:14:05 > 0:14:10- That's the most sense he's ever made. - Exactly, ho-ho. Now, to eat me pie.
0:14:12 > 0:14:14Ooh-ooh-ooh, I've burnt me tongue!
0:14:14 > 0:14:16AUDIENCE LAUGHTER SOUND EFFECT
0:14:16 > 0:14:21Stop laughing. Stop laughing at my pain. Stop it! It really hurts.
0:14:21 > 0:14:25Timothy, why haven't I ever been on one of your wildlife shows?
0:14:25 > 0:14:27Well, you are a tame dog, aren't you?
0:14:27 > 0:14:29TAME?! I don't know what that word means.
0:14:29 > 0:14:33However, I do often wish I was a more exciting creature.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37KEYBOARD RIFF
0:14:38 > 0:14:42# My life is so banal
0:14:42 > 0:14:45# I'm constantly upset
0:14:46 > 0:14:50# Just a dull domestic pet
0:14:50 > 0:14:55# I'm so common if only I could change
0:14:55 > 0:14:58# And find some inner peace
0:15:00 > 0:15:04# As a more exotic beast
0:15:04 > 0:15:07# Like a hippo or a whale
0:15:07 > 0:15:10# Maybe a rhino, goose or snail
0:15:11 > 0:15:16# A gibbon or a northern bobwhite quail... #
0:15:16 > 0:15:17HE MOUTHS
0:15:17 > 0:15:21# Or a stoat! Yes, a stoat!
0:15:21 > 0:15:24# Then I'd bound across the heath
0:15:24 > 0:15:28# Have a vicious set of teeth
0:15:28 > 0:15:31# And sleep in an open habitat
0:15:31 > 0:15:35# A black tip on my tail
0:15:35 > 0:15:38# And weird mouse-like ears
0:15:38 > 0:15:43# An otter's face and a lifespan of five years
0:15:45 > 0:15:47# Just five years. #
0:15:51 > 0:15:55And that's why my life would so much better as a stoat.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58Imagine living for a whole, glorious five years.
0:15:58 > 0:16:01- Yeah, but how old are you?- I'm six.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03Oh, yeah, stoats are rubbish, aren't they?
0:16:03 > 0:16:05Come here, you stinking wretch!
0:16:05 > 0:16:07HE GROWLS
0:16:07 > 0:16:09- STOAT TOY SQUEAKS - Ooh.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11Larry, tell us what other muck's coming up.
0:16:11 > 0:16:16Certainly, Hacker. This is the show that just keeps giving...
0:16:16 > 0:16:20you nightmares! Things are getting wild with Tim and Hacker.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23Why wouldn't they?
0:16:23 > 0:16:26There's a lesson to be learned at Flemsbury High.
0:16:26 > 0:16:29And don't miss the quiz finale. Why would you?
0:16:29 > 0:16:31"Why would you", ha.
0:16:31 > 0:16:32That looks awful.
0:16:32 > 0:16:36Now, Tim, you're a man with a face, and indeed some eyes,
0:16:36 > 0:16:41but whom is the real Tim Warwood?
0:16:41 > 0:16:42Well, it's a deep question really...
0:16:42 > 0:16:44- SCHOOL BELL RINGS - Oh, lunchtime!
0:16:44 > 0:16:46Not interested, cocker, good day to ye.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51I hope it's napkins instead of serviettes today.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57I'm hungry.
0:17:02 > 0:17:06Wilf, food sales are down.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09And, what with your endless parade of new hairdos,
0:17:09 > 0:17:11we could go out of business!
0:17:11 > 0:17:15Don't worry, my sweet, I've introduced a new taster menu - look.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24Mmm, it's less cardboardy than the last one.
0:17:24 > 0:17:28Oh, Mrs Breadbin, a taster menu is a series of small courses
0:17:28 > 0:17:30at extremely high prices.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33We only need one mug - I mean customer -
0:17:33 > 0:17:35and we'll be back in bwizness.
0:17:35 > 0:17:39- Oh, here's one. - Hello, mug - I mean, customer.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42Oh, no, you were right, my name is Mug,
0:17:42 > 0:17:44and I'm also incredibly gullible.
0:17:44 > 0:17:48In that case, you'll love our new taster menu.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51Oh, well, I hope it's less cardboardy than the last one.
0:17:51 > 0:17:57OK, here's your pre-starter starter, your pre-starter,
0:17:57 > 0:18:01your starter starter, your starter for ten,
0:18:01 > 0:18:05you're under starter's orders, and you're off!
0:18:05 > 0:18:07Literally.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10Your post-starter, your post post-starter,
0:18:10 > 0:18:13your post which got redirected here and a fence post.
0:18:13 > 0:18:15I varnished it meself.
0:18:15 > 0:18:19Your main course, minor course, major course...
0:18:19 > 0:18:24And your training course - on how to hold a large stack of plates.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26Just give it a little tidy up, dear, that's it.
0:18:26 > 0:18:31- It's looking good, that, yeah. Smashing.- Here you go.
0:18:31 > 0:18:36- Enjoy your meal.- Aaaargh!
0:18:36 > 0:18:38Oh, he should have paid more attention to that training course.
0:18:38 > 0:18:42Never mind that, he's broken all me plates.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44How am I going to feed the studio audience?
0:18:44 > 0:18:46JEERING
0:18:46 > 0:18:48I'll fire up the van.
0:18:48 > 0:18:49SCHOOL BELL RINGS
0:18:50 > 0:18:56And now, we present Tim and Hacker in Wild and Weirdo!
0:18:56 > 0:18:58SCREECH
0:18:58 > 0:19:00You know, Hacker, there is nothing better than being
0:19:00 > 0:19:02in the middle of the desert.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04Oh, I finished my dessert ages ago.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06I'm already on my post dessert, pre-after-dinner mint.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08HE SNIFFS
0:19:08 > 0:19:11- No! I said desert, not dessert. - All right, sorry.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14- What are we doing here again? - We're on the hunt for big game.
0:19:14 > 0:19:15Have you seen any?
0:19:15 > 0:19:18Yes, I've got this giant box of snakes and ladders here, cocker.
0:19:18 > 0:19:19Look at that little beauty.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21Not that big game. I was talking more rhinos and elephants.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24I've got that as well, they were two-for-one.
0:19:24 > 0:19:25- I've got that one, look.- What?
0:19:25 > 0:19:26- All in the same deal.- No.
0:19:26 > 0:19:30I'll tell you what - giraffes. Let's look out for giraffes, yeah?
0:19:30 > 0:19:32I've got that as well, look. Draughts.
0:19:32 > 0:19:33I've got draughts with me,
0:19:33 > 0:19:34look, I always carry it,
0:19:34 > 0:19:37- I've got draughts.- Not draughts, I'm talking giraffes.- Draughts.
0:19:37 > 0:19:38- Giraffes!- Oh, right.- Enough.
0:19:38 > 0:19:42- Why don't you take a look through your binoculars?- Very well!
0:19:42 > 0:19:44- GASPS:- I don't believe it!
0:19:44 > 0:19:47- I can see it so clearly. - What? What is it?
0:19:47 > 0:19:49- Is it a crocodile, a zebra, a hippopotamus?- No.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52The lens cap of the binoculars.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54- Oh. Here you go.- Thank you.- Try that.
0:19:54 > 0:19:58- Right, cheers.- Look again.- DINGO!
0:19:58 > 0:19:59Dingo! A real one? You can see a dingo?
0:19:59 > 0:20:04No, I got a full house in bingo and I forgot how to spell. Ha!
0:20:04 > 0:20:06- Just have another look.- All right.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08HE GASPS
0:20:08 > 0:20:10- Lion!- Really? You can see a lion?
0:20:10 > 0:20:15No, I was lying about getting a full house in dingo. I was missing 88.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17Eugh! He's right. I actually got
0:20:17 > 0:20:19- a full house.- Did you?
0:20:19 > 0:20:21No. I was lying.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24- Were you?- No, I was lying about that. - Oh, were you?
0:20:24 > 0:20:26Look, I don't know what the truth is any more. Bye!
0:20:28 > 0:20:29HE GASPS
0:20:29 > 0:20:32- What?- What is that on the floor there?
0:20:32 > 0:20:34Agh! Oh, look at that.
0:20:34 > 0:20:40Unbelievable. That right there is the egg of the mystical wacka wacka bird.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42It's a very rare artefact, you know.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45We should guard it with our lives. EGG CRACKS
0:20:45 > 0:20:47- Do you understand me? - What was that?
0:20:47 > 0:20:50Sorry, I didn't hear what you were saying there, cocker,
0:20:50 > 0:20:52I was busy frying this priceless egg.
0:20:52 > 0:20:53Listen, the wacka wacka bird
0:20:53 > 0:20:55can't be far away.
0:20:55 > 0:20:58We should hide in some camouflage, Hacker.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00Hacker? Hacker?
0:21:01 > 0:21:05Wow. That is good camouflage. I can't even see you.
0:21:05 > 0:21:10I know! These gaudy feathers really blend into this arid landscape.
0:21:10 > 0:21:11- Hacker!- What?
0:21:11 > 0:21:13The bird's going to see you dressed like that
0:21:13 > 0:21:16and it's going to be furious about that egg.
0:21:16 > 0:21:17HE GASPS
0:21:17 > 0:21:18- Here it is.- Agh!
0:21:18 > 0:21:22- Oi, you.- Yes? - I want a word with you.- Yes?
0:21:22 > 0:21:26- And I want a straight answer. - Y-Y-Yes!
0:21:26 > 0:21:29Would you like to play a friendly game of Rhinos and Elephants
0:21:29 > 0:21:31- with me?- Oh, I thought you'd never ask.
0:21:31 > 0:21:32CHEERING
0:21:34 > 0:21:37By the way, have you seen my egg?
0:21:37 > 0:21:39- Yes! He took it!- What?
0:21:39 > 0:21:43Right, you come here!
0:21:43 > 0:21:46Go on, you. Give him what for...
0:21:46 > 0:21:50And now, it's the moment you haven't been waiting for,
0:21:50 > 0:21:52it's the Quarter Past 4 o'clock Club.
0:21:52 > 0:21:54BELL RINGS
0:21:54 > 0:21:56Oh, I love geography!
0:21:56 > 0:22:00There's nowt more enjoyable than baking a nice juicy flan.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03Josh, you're thinking about food technology.
0:22:03 > 0:22:07Geography is all about the Earth - volcanoes, oceans,
0:22:07 > 0:22:09gross national product.
0:22:09 > 0:22:12- It's got nothing to do with flans. - Geography?
0:22:12 > 0:22:14Pah!
0:22:14 > 0:22:16# This subject makes me sick, I'm sweating and shaking
0:22:16 > 0:22:18# Who cares about the latitude of Copenhagen?
0:22:18 > 0:22:21# I don't see the point of the Brazilian plateau
0:22:21 > 0:22:23# When I could be baking a Black Forest gateau
0:22:23 > 0:22:25# Get with the programme, don't be a potato
0:22:25 > 0:22:27# Geography is great, think about the Equator
0:22:27 > 0:22:29# It's 25,000 miles in length
0:22:29 > 0:22:32# And wait till we've covered igneous rock strength
0:22:32 > 0:22:33# Stop going on about clouds and rain
0:22:33 > 0:22:36# Sedimentary rock formation's a world of pain
0:22:36 > 0:22:38# I can't stand this field of study, Capiche?
0:22:38 > 0:22:40# Let's learn something useful like how to make quiche
0:22:40 > 0:22:42# Oh, quiche Lorraine!
0:22:42 > 0:22:44# Or the three climate zones of Spain
0:22:44 > 0:22:46# A baked Florentine
0:22:46 > 0:22:48# Or the San Andreas fault line
0:22:48 > 0:22:51# Don't want to learn the contour lines of North Moldova
0:22:51 > 0:22:53# I'd rather reach the summit of a huge Pavlova
0:22:53 > 0:22:55# Josh, this is silly, geography's the best
0:22:55 > 0:22:58# Besides all that, you've got a test
0:22:58 > 0:23:00# Pah! It's boring, I'd rather bake
0:23:00 > 0:23:02# But you need to know about an oxbow lake
0:23:02 > 0:23:04# Or the atmosphere and how it's thinned
0:23:04 > 0:23:06# Or ask yourself, why do we have wind? #
0:23:06 > 0:23:09PHRRT!
0:23:09 > 0:23:12Oh! It's all those pastry products, if I'm honest.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14Reet, I'm off to food technology.
0:23:14 > 0:23:18I can't wait to learn about the planet. GOOD DAY!
0:23:20 > 0:23:22BELL RINGS
0:23:22 > 0:23:24Ladies and gentlemen,
0:23:24 > 0:23:28hold onto your hats as we come to the gripping climax of today's show.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31The quiz that we like to call...
0:23:31 > 0:23:34Sit on the Lav Lav and Answer Some Questions.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36DRAMATIC MUSIC
0:23:38 > 0:23:39FLUSHING
0:23:41 > 0:23:44Yes, Tim, the rules of this game are bog standard. It's good, that.
0:23:44 > 0:23:45All you have to do is...
0:23:45 > 0:23:47DRAMATIC MUSIC
0:23:49 > 0:23:51FLUSHING
0:23:51 > 0:23:53..sit on the lav lav and answer some questions.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56How does it feel being sat upon my throne, cocker?
0:23:56 > 0:23:59- Good, yes, it's nice. Warm. - Still warm, innit?
0:23:59 > 0:24:01The time will end when you hear this sound.
0:24:01 > 0:24:03Hello!
0:24:03 > 0:24:05- Are you ready?- Yes.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08In that case, start the clock.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11- Name a garden bird.- A robin.
0:24:11 > 0:24:12No, it was Terry.
0:24:12 > 0:24:14Complete the title of this show.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16- Naomi's Nightmares of...- Nature.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18No, Nantwich. Ha!
0:24:18 > 0:24:21Herman has disguised this bird of prey as a popular singer.
0:24:21 > 0:24:24- But who is it?- Er...
0:24:24 > 0:24:26Er, Peter Andre?
0:24:26 > 0:24:27Incorrect.
0:24:27 > 0:24:30It's obvious who it is, it's Owl-ie Murs.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32Oh!
0:24:32 > 0:24:34Go away, Herman and take that filth with you.
0:24:34 > 0:24:38Please say hello to my old friend and confidant, Acky G!
0:24:38 > 0:24:42# It's Accordion George Acky G, G, G. #
0:24:42 > 0:24:43The big George,
0:24:43 > 0:24:46good old Acky G and his big juicy acc!
0:24:46 > 0:24:49Acky G is about to play a famous tune on his lovely bulbous acc,
0:24:49 > 0:24:51but what is it?
0:24:51 > 0:24:53Take it away, Acky G.
0:24:54 > 0:24:56HE PLAYS "SUGAR" BY MAROON 5
0:25:08 > 0:25:12Well, it sounds like you haven't played that for 25 years, cocker,
0:25:12 > 0:25:16but, Tim, what was Acky G portraying on his acc?
0:25:16 > 0:25:18Er... Er...
0:25:18 > 0:25:19# Nothing gonna go my way. #
0:25:19 > 0:25:22- I don't know.- You've no idea, have you, cocker?- No.
0:25:22 > 0:25:24I didn't think you would, it was dreadful.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26Let's find out what it was, please.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28- "SUGAR" BY MAROON 5 PLAYS - Yeah!
0:25:28 > 0:25:30Come on, G, dance, cocker.
0:25:32 > 0:25:34- Come on, G.- I should have known this one.
0:25:34 > 0:25:38# The big G Acky G
0:25:38 > 0:25:40- # He's a big old G... # - MUSIC STOPS
0:25:40 > 0:25:41He was slightly out...
0:25:41 > 0:25:44It was Sugar by Maroon 5. I'm not surprised you didn't get it.
0:25:44 > 0:25:46He was slightly out of time, it threw me.
0:25:46 > 0:25:50- Yeah, well, he was dreadful, wasn't he, cocker?- Well...- Acky G, go away!
0:25:50 > 0:25:53Go on, get your acc out of me sight, I'm sick of seeing it.
0:25:53 > 0:25:55- Good, though. - Take your stool with you.
0:25:55 > 0:25:57- He always brings that stool with him.- Does he?
0:25:57 > 0:26:00I don't know what he's thinking! Now, complete this phrase.
0:26:00 > 0:26:03- I'm having a what of a time?- Whale!
0:26:03 > 0:26:04All right, then.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06- WAILS:- I said, complete this phrase...
0:26:06 > 0:26:08Hello!
0:26:08 > 0:26:12Time's up. That means you've won tonight's star prize.
0:26:12 > 0:26:16A used piece of chewing gum! Only six previous owners.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18What do you think about that, cocker?
0:26:18 > 0:26:21Mmm, not so appealing really but thank you all the same. I'll take it.
0:26:21 > 0:26:23My pleasure, yes. Well, it's your lucky day, cocker.
0:26:23 > 0:26:27- Because you've also won an holiday! - Really? A holiday?
0:26:27 > 0:26:31A once-in-a-lifetime trip to the drains beneath this very studio.
0:26:31 > 0:26:34- Any last words before you go? - Well, thank you to...
0:26:35 > 0:26:38Hey-hey! Herman, flush him away!
0:26:38 > 0:26:40FLUSHING HE SCREAMS
0:26:40 > 0:26:42Ha-ha-ha!
0:26:42 > 0:26:45What a lovely person. I wonder who she was.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48Reet, I'm off to get me nets cleaned at the dry cleaner's.
0:26:48 > 0:26:53But first, I shall sing my final ditty. Join in, me old cockers!
0:26:58 > 0:27:00# That is it for now, the end of the show
0:27:00 > 0:27:02# I need the lav lav so I'm going to go
0:27:02 > 0:27:05# I'll see you next time on this show of mine
0:27:05 > 0:27:07# Put it in your diary, it's called Hacker time
0:27:07 > 0:27:10# It's been amazing, we've been larking around
0:27:10 > 0:27:12# The whole programme cost just under a pound
0:27:12 > 0:27:14# Watch again next time cos we've got much more
0:27:14 > 0:27:16# There'll be tonnes of other funny stuff
0:27:16 > 0:27:18# It will be top drawer
0:27:18 > 0:27:22# My guest today was Tim Warwood our chat was quite absurd
0:27:22 > 0:27:24# We had some very hairy jokes
0:27:24 > 0:27:27# And then poor old Tim got chased away by the wacka wacka bird
0:27:27 > 0:27:29# That is it for now, the end of the show
0:27:29 > 0:27:31# I need the lav lav so I'm going to go
0:27:31 > 0:27:34# I'll see you next time on this show of mine
0:27:34 > 0:27:36# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time
0:27:36 > 0:27:39# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time
0:27:39 > 0:27:41# That is the end of today's Hacker Time! #
0:27:41 > 0:27:43- I wish I had my own show. - ALL: Aw!
0:27:43 > 0:27:45Don't show him any pity!