0:00:02 > 0:00:05Hacker Time was invented by Henry VIII to annoy Catherine of Aragon!
0:00:07 > 0:00:10Just look at all these bills. It's no use, Lolly.
0:00:10 > 0:00:12We're going to have to sell the house.
0:00:12 > 0:00:17But, Derek, the place is a tip! Nobody will buy this old wreck.
0:00:17 > 0:00:21Nonsense! It's a palace! It's got a fitted kitchen!
0:00:21 > 0:00:23Even comes with a dishwasher.
0:00:23 > 0:00:27Oh, my hands are like withered kippers! Ha!
0:00:29 > 0:00:32- And don't forget the gas-fired central heating.- Yeah!
0:00:32 > 0:00:34I'll fire up the gas!
0:00:35 > 0:00:38- PHRRT! - Oh!
0:00:38 > 0:00:42And of course, the master bedroom's very light and airy.
0:00:42 > 0:00:45That's because the roof's blown off!
0:00:45 > 0:00:46Yes. Ha!
0:00:46 > 0:00:50Sorry, that was the gas-fired central heating again.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52PHRRT!
0:00:54 > 0:00:55Oh, yeah!
0:00:55 > 0:00:59Now, all we need to do is find some buffoon daft enough to buy
0:00:59 > 0:01:01- this place. - Who would do such a thing?
0:01:01 > 0:01:04Nobody in their right mind would ever do that.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06I'd like to buy this house you've just put
0:01:06 > 0:01:10up for sale for £100 million! Ha-ha!
0:01:10 > 0:01:12For some reason, it really reminds me of home.
0:01:12 > 0:01:15Has anyone got £100 million?
0:01:15 > 0:01:19- Er, no.- But how am I going to pay for the new house? I know.
0:01:19 > 0:01:23- Let's sell this place.- Well, but we're selling it anyway.
0:01:23 > 0:01:28Well, sell it again! And it's freezing in here. Wilf, sort it out.
0:01:28 > 0:01:31HE STRAINS
0:01:31 > 0:01:33Oh, I've run out of natural gas!
0:01:39 > 0:01:40# You gotta watch this
0:01:42 > 0:01:45# You gotta watch this
0:01:45 > 0:01:48# You gotta watch this!
0:01:48 > 0:01:52# My, my, my, my programme hits you So hard
0:01:52 > 0:01:54# Makes me say Oh, my word!
0:01:54 > 0:01:56# Thank you for watching me It's telly
0:01:56 > 0:01:57# But not what you normally see
0:01:57 > 0:01:59# It feels good There's out-takes, too
0:01:59 > 0:02:01# Comedy, guests and clips It's true
0:02:01 > 0:02:03# So sit back, don't move too much This is the show
0:02:03 > 0:02:05# Ha! You can't touch
0:02:05 > 0:02:07# Stop! Hacker Time! #
0:02:07 > 0:02:09Thank you.
0:02:09 > 0:02:10Stand by, everyone.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13We're on air in five,
0:02:13 > 0:02:14four,
0:02:14 > 0:02:16- three... - HE COUGHS
0:02:16 > 0:02:17..two,
0:02:17 > 0:02:18one...
0:02:18 > 0:02:21- Bingo!- Cue Larry.
0:02:21 > 0:02:24Get ready to laugh and cry on the rollercoaster
0:02:24 > 0:02:27of love that is Hacker T Dog!
0:02:27 > 0:02:29You all right, cockers?
0:02:29 > 0:02:31Things have been a bit tight round here
0:02:31 > 0:02:34since some mooey paid over the odds on a new house.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37So I'm going to get my lavish lifestyle
0:02:37 > 0:02:39I require by being a pop star.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42And pop stars need number one hits.
0:02:42 > 0:02:45- Herman, get in here!- Yes, Mr Hacker?
0:02:46 > 0:02:50- Oh!- There y'are.- Will there be anything else, Mr Hacker?
0:02:50 > 0:02:53Not for now. Just be thankful I didn't hit you with a number two.
0:02:53 > 0:02:59- Huh?- Because it's really, really heavy.- Oh, thank goodness.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02I thought he was being rude then. But he was just hitting Herman.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04It's fine, then.
0:03:04 > 0:03:08Let's meet today's guest, who is a really top-notch musical star!
0:03:12 > 0:03:16Hi. I'm the pop singer Sonia and I'm here to do some top-notch singing.
0:03:16 > 0:03:17That might be the case but I need
0:03:17 > 0:03:20both your names for the pass, Miss Sonia, get in the booth.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23- I'm not Miss Sonia...- In the booth! Go on, get in. Shut the curtains.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25Doors!
0:03:26 > 0:03:30Ah! Down! Hehe!
0:03:30 > 0:03:32SHE SCREAMS
0:03:35 > 0:03:37Ba-da-da-dee...
0:03:37 > 0:03:39SHE CONTINUES TO SCREAM
0:03:39 > 0:03:42Please welcome the singing sensation and superstar of the stage,
0:03:42 > 0:03:44it's Sonia!
0:03:46 > 0:03:49- Ah!- Yay! Welcome to Hacker Time, Sonia.
0:03:49 > 0:03:53- Oh, I tell you what, I'm not staying here!- But, Sonia, stay!
0:03:53 > 0:03:56If you do stay, I'll show you how to have a number one hit.
0:03:56 > 0:03:59Oh, that's useless, isn't it? Because I've already had one.
0:03:59 > 0:04:02I knew you'd say that. You singers are obsessed with number ones!
0:04:02 > 0:04:06- Hey, Herman, get in here, come on. - Coming, Mr Hacker.- Hurry up, Herman.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09- Watch this.- Uh!
0:04:09 > 0:04:10Ha-ha-ha!
0:04:10 > 0:04:12I'm top of the props!
0:04:12 > 0:04:14It's funny because I've hit Herman with a prop.
0:04:14 > 0:04:18Top Of The Pops was a music show and Sonia is a singer,
0:04:18 > 0:04:23- it works on every level! - That wasn't smart, clever or funny.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25Ah, well done, Sonia. You've got the measure of us.
0:04:25 > 0:04:30You understand the show perfectly. Derek, the fact file, if you will.
0:04:30 > 0:04:34Yes, Hacker. I hope he doesn't give me a number one hit.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36PLAYS TUNE
0:04:36 > 0:04:40Sonia is a British singing sensation and star of the stage.
0:04:40 > 0:04:46Her first song went to number one in 1989. Oh, it's a classic, hoo-hoo!
0:04:48 > 0:04:51She also had a hit with Listen To Your Heart later that year.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53# Listen to your heart... #
0:04:53 > 0:04:56Maybe she should have listened to her stylist.
0:04:56 > 0:05:01Sonia also came second in the Eurovision Song Contest in 1993.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04And that's all you need to know about our Sonia.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09Just imagine being a singer, a dancer and a TV star.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12Adored by millions, especially in the north-west of England.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15Oh, it's marvellous. Carry on, carry on.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17I wasn't talking about you, I want you to imagine me
0:05:17 > 0:05:20because I'm all of those things and more!
0:05:20 > 0:05:21This is going to be a long show.
0:05:21 > 0:05:25Larry, be a love and move things along, will you?
0:05:25 > 0:05:26- SCARY VOICE:- I meant me!
0:05:26 > 0:05:29Stay tuned as Sonia keeps us entertained
0:05:29 > 0:05:32and there is all this, too.
0:05:32 > 0:05:36Coming up, if you love music then we can only apologise now...
0:05:36 > 0:05:37HE WARBLES
0:05:37 > 0:05:41- Will Hacker T Dog learn how to have a hit?- What could be simpler?
0:05:41 > 0:05:43And what's up with Josh?
0:05:43 > 0:05:45I'm full of melancholy.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48He must be a fan of this show. It's Hacker Time!
0:05:50 > 0:05:53Now, Sonia, before we start let's set the scene.
0:05:53 > 0:05:56You're a singer with a load of hit songs and you have even
0:05:56 > 0:06:00represented Britain in Eurovision, so here's the burning question.
0:06:00 > 0:06:04- Where are you from? I'm guessing Greenland.- Oh!
0:06:04 > 0:06:08No, I'm from Liverpool. But I did live in Skelmersdale for a while.
0:06:08 > 0:06:11The town of Skelmersdale in the north-west of England?
0:06:11 > 0:06:14I do believe that's a Wigan postcode, me old china.
0:06:14 > 0:06:16You're from my neck of the woods!
0:06:16 > 0:06:20- Oh!- Hey, we're probably related, aren't we, cocker?
0:06:20 > 0:06:22Did anybody in your family run a shop?
0:06:22 > 0:06:24You know, they did actually, yes.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27Well, my uncle's stepbrother's rabbit's favourite auntie
0:06:27 > 0:06:31- used to run a place. - Was it the chip shop?- Yeah!
0:06:31 > 0:06:33- The one with the green door.- Yes!
0:06:33 > 0:06:38- And it sold little miniature replica ice cream vans as a sideline.- Yes!
0:06:38 > 0:06:40That's so specific, it must be the same place
0:06:40 > 0:06:42and the owner of the shop was called...
0:06:42 > 0:06:44- Mildred.- Never heard of her.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48Even though you abandoned your "Wigonian" roots,
0:06:48 > 0:06:50there's something I need to tell you.
0:06:50 > 0:06:56# You'll never stop me from loving you... #
0:06:56 > 0:06:59Little blast of your biggest hit there, Son',
0:06:59 > 0:07:00what do you think of that then?
0:07:00 > 0:07:03I think it was fab, yes, great, groovy.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05Ha! So, Sonia, I've got a bone to pick with you.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08Do you know that song you did called Listen To Your Heart?
0:07:08 > 0:07:13Mmm-hm. I believe it contained duff advice, madam. Listen.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16# Just listen to your heart
0:07:16 > 0:07:18# That's what they say
0:07:18 > 0:07:20# Listen to your heart
0:07:20 > 0:07:21# You'll be OK... #
0:07:21 > 0:07:25Well, I took your advice, madam, and I listened to my heart
0:07:25 > 0:07:28and it told me to invest all of my capital in turnips.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31So I'm reporting you to the local ombudsman.
0:07:31 > 0:07:35Now, number one, I'm fully chartered by the Financial Services Authority.
0:07:35 > 0:07:36And number two,
0:07:36 > 0:07:40I warned you that investments can go down as well as up.
0:07:40 > 0:07:44Oh, stop beating on and get out! Go on!
0:07:44 > 0:07:47Now, I want to talk to you about your crib, your house,
0:07:47 > 0:07:49your gaff, because you're a singer.
0:07:49 > 0:07:52Do you live in "A flat"?
0:07:52 > 0:07:54Oh!
0:07:54 > 0:07:57Come on, "B sharp", give me an answer. What's the matter?
0:07:57 > 0:08:01Cat got your C augmented diminished fifth?
0:08:01 > 0:08:05Anyway, in unrelated news, I'm a bit peckish, cocker.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08Could you pass me that delicious meat paste sandwich?
0:08:08 > 0:08:12You may as well help yourself too, it's all you're getting today.
0:08:12 > 0:08:14- What's this? - DRAMATIC MUSIC
0:08:14 > 0:08:16Jam?!
0:08:16 > 0:08:18Jam?! I won't eat this filth!
0:08:19 > 0:08:23Sonia, have you devoured my delicious meat paste sandwiches?
0:08:23 > 0:08:25You know, that's the kind of unforgivable mistake that
0:08:25 > 0:08:29I'd normally have you escorted off the premises for. But...
0:08:29 > 0:08:32# You'll never stop me
0:08:32 > 0:08:36# From loving you... #
0:08:36 > 0:08:39- You're crazy, but I love you. - Oh, thanks.
0:08:39 > 0:08:43So, Sonia, do you have a vocal coach?
0:08:43 > 0:08:47- Er, no, actually.- Me neither, but I have got a very chatty minibus.
0:08:47 > 0:08:48Look.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51Oh, yes, well, I said to him, "Oh, no," and then he looked at me
0:08:51 > 0:08:53and I went, "Well, I don't know, dearie..."
0:08:53 > 0:08:55CRASH!
0:08:55 > 0:08:56I told you he was chatty.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00Now, your debut album back in 1990,
0:09:00 > 0:09:05when Derek was still quite old, ha, produced five top 20 singles.
0:09:05 > 0:09:06What were they called?
0:09:06 > 0:09:11Erm, Listen To Your Heart, End Of The World, Counting Every Single Minute.
0:09:11 > 0:09:12Oh, I know how you feel, love,
0:09:12 > 0:09:14I'm counting every single minute of this interview.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17- How rude!- Oh! You can't call your host rude.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20Why, I should have you escorted off the premises for this!
0:09:20 > 0:09:22But I won't, Sonia, me old love, because...
0:09:22 > 0:09:26# You'll never stop me
0:09:26 > 0:09:29# From loving you... #
0:09:30 > 0:09:34- Ha-ha! Now, Sonia, I'm a huge fan of the Eurovision thing.- Oh.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37I nearly represented the UK in Eurovision too.
0:09:37 > 0:09:41# Tins of meaty goodness... #
0:09:41 > 0:09:43APPLAUSE
0:09:43 > 0:09:45- IRISH ACCENT: - Hacker, that was perfect.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47Soulful and bang on trend, which is
0:09:47 > 0:09:50why we won't be putting you forward for Eurovision.
0:09:50 > 0:09:55- I'm afraid you are far too good for that.- I'm livid! Livid!
0:09:55 > 0:09:57I even rented a microphone.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00And the sign!
0:10:00 > 0:10:05- So, Sonia, have you enjoyed all of my jokes so far?- Er, not really, no.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07What, even the ones where I do this?
0:10:07 > 0:10:11# You'll never stop me
0:10:11 > 0:10:14# From loving you... #
0:10:15 > 0:10:20It's true, Sonia, you never will. Never! You never will, Sonia!
0:10:20 > 0:10:22- Aw!- Larry, what's next?
0:10:22 > 0:10:27Put on your dancing shoes, because it's time for The Next Step But One.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38Things have never been better in Z Troupe.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41Adam's broken leg is finally on the mend.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43Well, that's my chair fixed.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46Now...to dance!
0:10:46 > 0:10:50After months of struggling, Derek's finally got into a regular routine.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53Thanks to all these prune smoothies,
0:10:53 > 0:10:57- I've never been so regular! - PHRRT!
0:10:57 > 0:10:59Ooh, excuse me!
0:11:00 > 0:11:04And as for Emma-Lee, she's actually being nice to Rochelle.
0:11:04 > 0:11:09- I value you as a person. - I also value you as a person!
0:11:09 > 0:11:12Well, I value you as a person more!
0:11:12 > 0:11:15- No, I value you as a person more.- Look, love,
0:11:15 > 0:11:19I value you as a person more and that's the end of it!
0:11:19 > 0:11:21You value-less non-person!
0:11:21 > 0:11:22So, all in all,
0:11:22 > 0:11:24everything's brilliant.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26Nothing could possibly go wrong now!
0:11:29 > 0:11:32PHRRT! Oh!
0:11:32 > 0:11:38# We'll show the world our moves
0:11:39 > 0:11:43# It's gonna, it's gonna
0:11:44 > 0:11:48# It's gonna be OK!
0:11:48 > 0:11:51# We're going to be outcasts
0:11:51 > 0:11:55# Cos none of us can dance
0:11:55 > 0:11:58# None of us can dance! #
0:11:59 > 0:12:03So, things are going really well between Rochelle and me.
0:12:03 > 0:12:04Now, you listen here,
0:12:04 > 0:12:06I was the first one to value you as a person more.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09So don't you tell me that you value me as a person more than
0:12:09 > 0:12:11I value you as a person, more!
0:12:11 > 0:12:13But I was only saying that I value you as a person more
0:12:13 > 0:12:15because I was unaware of how much you value me
0:12:15 > 0:12:18as a person more than I value you as a person, more.
0:12:18 > 0:12:22Like I say, things are going really well between Rochelle and me.
0:12:23 > 0:12:27Hang on a minute! Why are you filming him filming me?
0:12:27 > 0:12:31You're just jealous because I'm the one who's always in the spotlight!
0:12:31 > 0:12:32SPOTLIGHT CRANKS
0:12:32 > 0:12:35- See?- Don't worry. I'll sort this.
0:12:36 > 0:12:41- Eddon, be careful, don't fall and break your leg.- I won't!
0:12:41 > 0:12:43HE SCREAMS
0:12:43 > 0:12:46Eddon! Eddon, are you all right?
0:12:46 > 0:12:49I'm fine. I just dropped this identically dressed dummy
0:12:49 > 0:12:52off the balcony for no apparent reason. Ha!
0:12:52 > 0:12:54Break my leg indeed.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56CRASH! HE SCREAMS
0:12:56 > 0:12:57< I've broken my leg!
0:12:57 > 0:13:03- My chair leg again. Who left that there?- You did, you fool!- Oh, yeah!
0:13:09 > 0:13:14After everything was looking so rosy, we finally reached crisis point.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17Emma-Lee and Rochelle were still arguing.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20I think we should just agree to disagree. Don't you agree?
0:13:20 > 0:13:24I disagree to agree to disagree. Don't you agree?
0:13:24 > 0:13:25I disagree.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27SHE LAUGHS
0:13:27 > 0:13:29Derek's problem is getting way out of hand.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31PHRRT!
0:13:31 > 0:13:35Oh! I'm so sorry about that.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37And as for Eddon...
0:13:37 > 0:13:39Oh! Are you all right?
0:13:40 > 0:13:42Oh, I'm fine.
0:13:42 > 0:13:46- This dummy is ideal for hanging all my chair leg bandages on.- Oh...
0:13:46 > 0:13:48But I have broken my arm!
0:13:48 > 0:13:49THEY GASP
0:13:49 > 0:13:53The arm of my chair. I must have fallen over it with some force.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09I can't take any more of this show!
0:14:09 > 0:14:12I'm leaving Z Troupe!
0:14:12 > 0:14:13ALL GASP
0:14:14 > 0:14:20- No, I can't go.- Why? Are you too emotional?- No.
0:14:20 > 0:14:24I've got no thumbs to open the door with. I literally can't go.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26I can't go either.
0:14:26 > 0:14:27ALL GASP
0:14:27 > 0:14:30Why? Are you too emotional?
0:14:30 > 0:14:34No, I've actually broken my leg. I tripped over my dummy, look.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38Well, I can't go either!
0:14:38 > 0:14:39ALL GASP
0:14:39 > 0:14:42- Why? Are you too emotional?- No.
0:14:42 > 0:14:47I just can't go. I don't have enough fibre in my diet.
0:14:47 > 0:14:50Prune smoothie? Hoo-hoo!
0:14:50 > 0:14:52PHRRT!
0:14:52 > 0:14:56Oh, what a load of old tat!
0:14:56 > 0:15:02- Here, Lolly, you look a bit different today.- Oh! Oh, Derek.
0:15:02 > 0:15:03Thanks for noticing.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06- I've just restyled my hair.- No.
0:15:06 > 0:15:10- You're blue!- I've always been blue.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13I've been getting some style tips from a new blogger on YouBend,
0:15:13 > 0:15:14look, look.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17Hello, loves, Cruella here. New intro there, very nice.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20Today, darlings, I'm going to show you how to get some
0:15:20 > 0:15:22volume on your locks like me.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24No, not that sort of volume!
0:15:24 > 0:15:27This volume - bouncy, bouncy hair time.
0:15:27 > 0:15:31It's all about this stuff - goose fat - get a nice handful
0:15:31 > 0:15:35of goose fat, scrape it out and rub it into your locks like that.
0:15:35 > 0:15:40Oh, how disgusting! Goose fat? That's the last time I watch her!
0:15:40 > 0:15:45- I'll never put goose fat on my hair. - I know. I put it on my hands.
0:15:45 > 0:15:49It's full of essential vitamins for your cuticles. Hee-hee!
0:15:49 > 0:15:51Now, I must move this priceless Ming vase.
0:15:51 > 0:15:52SMASH!
0:15:54 > 0:15:56Oh, what a mooey!
0:15:56 > 0:15:58Mmm!
0:15:58 > 0:16:02Now, Sonia, I do have a bit of a crush on you.
0:16:02 > 0:16:04But we need to straighten something out.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06This moving to Skelmersdale from Liverpool business.
0:16:06 > 0:16:09- It's just not going to fly. - What do you mean?
0:16:09 > 0:16:12Allow me to make my points with synthesiser music
0:16:12 > 0:16:15from the early '80s. It's reet up your street, cocker.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22# Lovely Son-i-ayyy
0:16:22 > 0:16:24# My heart beats for thee
0:16:24 > 0:16:29# Ever since I was a pup I've loved you
0:16:29 > 0:16:32# Tell me, do you love me?
0:16:32 > 0:16:38# It was Skelmersdale where you used to be
0:16:38 > 0:16:46# It is practically in Wigan but you never popped round for tea
0:16:46 > 0:16:48# Sonia
0:16:48 > 0:16:51# Thinking about you's giving me insomnia
0:16:51 > 0:16:53# You lived so close to my home
0:16:53 > 0:16:56# Even had a Wigan postcode
0:16:56 > 0:16:59# But you never picked up the phone
0:16:59 > 0:17:00# Oh, Sonia
0:17:00 > 0:17:02# I've always had feelings for you
0:17:02 > 0:17:05# And we only lived a few miles apart but despite me
0:17:05 > 0:17:07# Not being born when you lived there
0:17:07 > 0:17:09# And overlooking the fact it was before you were famous
0:17:09 > 0:17:12# Let's not spoil the narrative of this song
0:17:12 > 0:17:15# Of this day
0:17:15 > 0:17:18# I have always dreamed
0:17:18 > 0:17:22# But you could have made a call from your house
0:17:22 > 0:17:26# And talked to me in Scouse
0:17:26 > 0:17:28# Darling, Son-i-ayy
0:17:28 > 0:17:31# Our love goes to waste
0:17:31 > 0:17:36# I was waiting here for you to arrive
0:17:36 > 0:17:39# Down the M58
0:17:39 > 0:17:42# You are two-faced! #
0:17:43 > 0:17:47So, as you can see, we can never see eye to eye to eye,
0:17:47 > 0:17:50because you never bothered to get in touch with me.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53- What was all that about? - Weren't you paying attention?
0:17:53 > 0:17:57You weren't paying attention! Larry, can you believe it?
0:17:57 > 0:17:59She wasn't paying attention!
0:17:59 > 0:18:03Ha, so then I was like, no way, but he was like, way. Ha!
0:18:03 > 0:18:07Oh, er, sorry, Hacker, I wasn't paying attention.
0:18:07 > 0:18:11Here's still what is to come next on the show. Yeah.
0:18:11 > 0:18:15OK, what does it say here? Oh, yeah. Our Sonia gets tough.
0:18:15 > 0:18:19Listen, Hacker, it's time to show me what you've got.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21And our Hacker gets tougher.
0:18:21 > 0:18:23You've hurt me deeply there, our Sonia.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25Even watching it is tough!
0:18:26 > 0:18:29Oh, Sonia, I'm glad we've got a minute actually
0:18:29 > 0:18:32because there's something very important I want to ask you about
0:18:32 > 0:18:36- the music industry and your role in it as a hit recording artist.- OK.
0:18:36 > 0:18:40What I want to know is, what is music?
0:18:40 > 0:18:43Oh, music is a wonderful thing... BELL RINGS
0:18:43 > 0:18:44Saved by the bell, eh!
0:18:44 > 0:18:47I still want a full answer when I return, though.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51I hope they have cleaned the cruet.
0:18:51 > 0:18:52Hacker?
0:18:52 > 0:18:55I'm a bit peckish. I wonder where those jam sarnies have gone.
0:19:01 > 0:19:04Wilf, we need to speed up our service.
0:19:04 > 0:19:08Fast food means more customers served, more money,
0:19:08 > 0:19:10so just do things quicker.
0:19:10 > 0:19:12- Follow the script and you'll be fine. - All right.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14Hello, sir or madam, welcome to Faster Feeds,
0:19:14 > 0:19:16how would you like to eat today?
0:19:16 > 0:19:20- Well, I'm in a rush, so something fast.- The lamb is really fast.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22- I can't catch it.- Bahh!
0:19:23 > 0:19:27- I'll just have the special. - Good choice, sir.
0:19:27 > 0:19:31And there is a free gift with every meal. Enjoy your meal.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33Where's my free gift?
0:19:33 > 0:19:37- Er, the only thing I've got is this meal.- Perfect, I'll have that.
0:19:38 > 0:19:42- Thank you.- Can I order the sadness dinner instead, please?
0:19:42 > 0:19:45- Oh, would you like to mega-size that?- How much more do you get?
0:19:45 > 0:19:48It's an extra four quid but the meal is the same.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50Oh, well, it doesn't seem like good value.
0:19:50 > 0:19:54- Well, I can slenderise your meal if you prefer?- That sounds reasonable.
0:19:54 > 0:19:57- What's that?- I'll reduce the size of the meal for you,
0:19:57 > 0:20:00- all for the same price. - That doesn't seem fair at all!
0:20:00 > 0:20:03Why do you think it's called the sadness dinner?
0:20:03 > 0:20:06- Oh, this place is a joke, I'm leaving!- Have a nice day, sir.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08Wait. Ha!
0:20:08 > 0:20:12That meaningful and thoughtful phrase changes everything.
0:20:12 > 0:20:15This has been the best meal of my life.
0:20:17 > 0:20:21- It's been a great success, my darling.- Apart from one thing.
0:20:21 > 0:20:22What's that?
0:20:22 > 0:20:25We were that fast selling the fast food, we forgot to charge anyone.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28I'll fire up the van.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30And sell the house. Again.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32- Oh... - BELL RINGS
0:20:34 > 0:20:38Hacker Time is proud to present Singin' With Sonia.
0:20:42 > 0:20:46Right, Hacker, I'm going to teach you how to have a hit record.
0:20:46 > 0:20:49- We're going to release a single. - I'm always releasing singles.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51PHRRT!
0:20:51 > 0:20:53In fact, I'm thinking of releasing a double.
0:20:53 > 0:20:54Oh, please don't!
0:20:54 > 0:20:57You're all right, cocker, I won't, I'm waiting to release it
0:20:57 > 0:21:00- so it has maximum impact. - Can't we just get on with this?
0:21:00 > 0:21:03But I've not made a joke about downloads yet.
0:21:03 > 0:21:06Listen, Hacker, it's time to show me what you've got. Come on.
0:21:06 > 0:21:09- Listen to this.- Go on. - MUSIC STARTS
0:21:09 > 0:21:12# Lollipop, lollipop, oh, lolly, lolly, lolly
0:21:12 > 0:21:15# Lollipop, lollipop, oh, lolly, lolly, lolly
0:21:15 > 0:21:17# Lollipop... # MUSIC STOPS
0:21:17 > 0:21:18Ooh!
0:21:18 > 0:21:22Now, listen, all I need you to do is say the last lollipop. OK?
0:21:22 > 0:21:24- You come in on the last lollipop. - OK, let's do it!
0:21:24 > 0:21:25Hit it!
0:21:25 > 0:21:27MUSIC STARTS
0:21:27 > 0:21:30# Lollipop, lollipop, oh, lolly, lolly, lolly
0:21:30 > 0:21:33# Lollipop, lollipop, oh, lolly, lolly, lolly
0:21:33 > 0:21:35- BACKING VOCAL:- # Lollipop. #
0:21:35 > 0:21:36You didn't sing!
0:21:36 > 0:21:38Oh, sorry, I got distracted.
0:21:38 > 0:21:42Oh, the next time we sing it, I'll point to you
0:21:42 > 0:21:44and when I point to you, you sing lollipop, OK?
0:21:44 > 0:21:46What could be simpler?
0:21:46 > 0:21:47MUSIC STARTS
0:21:47 > 0:21:50# Lollipop, lollipop, oh, lolly, lolly, lolly
0:21:50 > 0:21:52- BACKING VOCAL:- # Lollipop. #
0:21:52 > 0:21:54Hm? Er, lollipop?
0:21:54 > 0:21:55SHE SIGHS
0:21:55 > 0:21:56# Lollipop, lollipop... #
0:21:56 > 0:21:58LOLLIPOP!
0:21:58 > 0:22:00# Oh, lolly, lolly, lolly...
0:22:00 > 0:22:02Bunny hop! Hey!
0:22:02 > 0:22:03# Oh, lolly, lolly... MUSIC STOPS
0:22:03 > 0:22:07- Er, did someone say Lolly? - Not you, Lollipop!
0:22:07 > 0:22:10Listen, Hacker, we're going to have to change this whole thing round.
0:22:10 > 0:22:14- Right.- You do the first bit and I'll do the end, OK?- Yes.- Music.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16MUSIC STARTS
0:22:16 > 0:22:19# Lollipop, lollipop, oh, lolly, lolly, lolly... #
0:22:20 > 0:22:22That was brilliant, that!
0:22:22 > 0:22:26I know I was brilliant, but you missed your cue. Amateur.
0:22:26 > 0:22:28Charming!
0:22:28 > 0:22:30Get ready to be mildly disappointed,
0:22:30 > 0:22:33it's the Quarter Past 4 O'Clock Club!
0:22:33 > 0:22:35BELL RINGS
0:22:35 > 0:22:38# Cos it's beautiful, that's what it is
0:22:38 > 0:22:41# Cos it's beautiful, that's what it is... #
0:22:41 > 0:22:44- Hey, Josh.- I don't know what you're so happy about.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47- I'm full of melancholy.- Why?
0:22:47 > 0:22:49Oh, let me inform you...
0:22:49 > 0:22:52via the medium of song.
0:22:52 > 0:22:53MUSIC STARTS
0:22:53 > 0:22:55# Oh, what a horrible, grim day
0:22:55 > 0:22:58# I don't care what anybody has to say
0:22:58 > 0:23:01# I feel like a withered balloon
0:23:01 > 0:23:04# Floating around in this dull classroom
0:23:04 > 0:23:07# Josh, for you I feel so sorry
0:23:07 > 0:23:10# You should be feeling fresh like a windowless conservatory
0:23:10 > 0:23:13# When you're feeling melancholy
0:23:13 > 0:23:16# Dance down the street like a total wally
0:23:16 > 0:23:19# Your positive ways make me want to gip
0:23:19 > 0:23:22# Dancing down the street - pah! I hope you slip
0:23:22 > 0:23:25# Why act like an upbeat clown?
0:23:25 > 0:23:28# The only time I'm happy is when I'm feeling down
0:23:28 > 0:23:31# Put your hands together, clap and be proud
0:23:31 > 0:23:34# Don't spend your days living under a cloud
0:23:34 > 0:23:37# Look upon the world in a sunshiny way
0:23:37 > 0:23:41# Shuffle and shimmy your sadness away... #
0:23:41 > 0:23:44Come on, clap! Ha-ha, that's right.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46Clap.
0:23:46 > 0:23:49# Who is this chap? I'm melancholy
0:23:49 > 0:23:53# And that's a fact! Yeah! #
0:23:53 > 0:23:55BELL RINGS
0:23:55 > 0:23:59Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for the most ground-breaking,
0:23:59 > 0:24:04extraordinary quiz you've ever seen, it's the item we like to call...
0:24:04 > 0:24:07Sit on the lav-lav and answer some questions.
0:24:07 > 0:24:08DRAMATIC MUSIC
0:24:11 > 0:24:13FLUSHING
0:24:13 > 0:24:17Sonia, this game is as simple as it comes. All you've got to do is...
0:24:17 > 0:24:18DRAMATIC MUSIC
0:24:20 > 0:24:22FLUSHING
0:24:22 > 0:24:25..sit on the lav-lav and answer some questions.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28How does it feel being sat upon my throne?
0:24:28 > 0:24:31It feels quite wonderful, actually. It's quite comfy.
0:24:31 > 0:24:32- And still warm, innit?- Yeah.
0:24:32 > 0:24:35The time will end when you hear this sound.
0:24:35 > 0:24:38I weigh 1.2 kilos in case you wondered.
0:24:38 > 0:24:39- Are you ready?- I'm ready.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41In that case, start the clock.
0:24:41 > 0:24:46What is a demi, semi, hemi, demi, semiquaver?
0:24:46 > 0:24:47Oh, I haven't got a clue.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50In actual fact, scientists have yet to work out what it means
0:24:50 > 0:24:53but it's summat to do with shipping. Ha-ha!
0:24:53 > 0:24:58Next question, I know that you can write music but can you read music?
0:24:58 > 0:24:59Music.
0:24:59 > 0:25:03Oh, I can't tell you if you're right or wrong, Sonia, I can't read music.
0:25:03 > 0:25:04Ha! Take it down.
0:25:04 > 0:25:08That's it. Now, complete this title of this song by you.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10Say Goodbye To - what?
0:25:10 > 0:25:12Say Goodbye To Me.
0:25:12 > 0:25:15All right, then. Goodbye. Now, what's your answer?
0:25:15 > 0:25:19Oh, forget it. Complete the title of this song by you.
0:25:19 > 0:25:20Can't Forget - what?
0:25:20 > 0:25:24- Can't Forget You.- I'm sorry, I forgot the answer.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26Ha-ha! What's that smell?
0:25:26 > 0:25:28You.
0:25:28 > 0:25:33You've hurt me deeply there, our Sonia. But luckily...
0:25:33 > 0:25:37# You'll never stop me
0:25:37 > 0:25:41# From loving you... #
0:25:41 > 0:25:42Yeah, yeah, yeah! Ha!
0:25:42 > 0:25:46Now, the next question requires help from my chum and yours, Herman.
0:25:46 > 0:25:47Here he is, look.
0:25:47 > 0:25:52Now, what is this musical instrument dressed up as a pop star?
0:25:52 > 0:25:56- I haven't got a clue. - It's Tiny Timpani!
0:25:56 > 0:25:57SHE LAUGHS
0:25:57 > 0:25:58Go away, Herman.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00That was horrendous, that.
0:26:01 > 0:26:04- Now, what is music?- Oh, music is...
0:26:04 > 0:26:08I weigh 1.2 kilograms, in case you wondered.
0:26:08 > 0:26:11Time's up, Sonia. I guess we'll never know what music is.
0:26:11 > 0:26:14- But fret ye not, you've won tonight's star prize.- Whoo-hoo!
0:26:14 > 0:26:16What's that?
0:26:16 > 0:26:17A teabag!
0:26:17 > 0:26:21Teabag used, best before January 1983 and may contain traces of tea.
0:26:21 > 0:26:23Well, I never! A whole teabag.
0:26:23 > 0:26:27- What a generous price, don't you agree, cocker?- Oh, no, it's rubbish.
0:26:27 > 0:26:28Ha!
0:26:28 > 0:26:31The fun doesn't stop there, because you're also going on a holiday!
0:26:31 > 0:26:34- Whoo! - To the Venice of Salford.
0:26:34 > 0:26:38- Oh!- I'm talking about the sewers under the studio, cocker.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41- Have you got any last words before you go?- Well, I'd like to say...
0:26:43 > 0:26:45Herman, flush her away!
0:26:46 > 0:26:48FLUSHING SHE SCREAMS
0:26:48 > 0:26:50Ha-ha-ha!
0:26:50 > 0:26:52I think we can all agree that we've all learned something
0:26:52 > 0:26:55very important today and that thing is, erm...
0:26:55 > 0:26:58I'm just popping out for a bit to remember.
0:26:58 > 0:27:01But in the meantime, sing along with my little ditty!
0:27:05 > 0:27:08# That is it for now, the end of the show
0:27:08 > 0:27:10# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go
0:27:10 > 0:27:13# I'll see you next time on this show of mine
0:27:13 > 0:27:15# Put it in your diary, it's called Hacker Time
0:27:15 > 0:27:17# It's been amazing, we've been larking around
0:27:17 > 0:27:20# The whole programme cost just under a pound
0:27:20 > 0:27:22# Watch again next time cos we've got much more
0:27:22 > 0:27:25# There'll be tons of other funny stuff, it will be top drawer
0:27:25 > 0:27:29# Super Scouser Son-i-ay took a break from her busy life
0:27:29 > 0:27:33# She taught me to sing the scales and we sang along to songs
0:27:33 > 0:27:35# She'd done and despite the rage I thought they were nice
0:27:35 > 0:27:37# That is it for now, the end of the show
0:27:37 > 0:27:39# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go
0:27:39 > 0:27:41# I'll see you next time on this show of mine
0:27:41 > 0:27:44# Put it in your diary, it's called Hacker Time
0:27:44 > 0:27:46# Put it in your diary, it's called Hacker Time
0:27:46 > 0:27:49# That is the end of today's Hacker Time! #
0:27:49 > 0:27:51It's all about goose fat.
0:27:51 > 0:27:53POUNDING DRUMS