0:00:03 > 0:00:04Oh.
0:00:04 > 0:00:07One minute to on air, one-minute!
0:00:07 > 0:00:09Great news, everyone!
0:00:09 > 0:00:12Hacker Time has been nominated for a Daytime Flemmy Award.
0:00:12 > 0:00:18If we're going to win, this has to be our best show ever!
0:00:18 > 0:00:19Lorraine?
0:00:19 > 0:00:22- What?- How's the script coming along?
0:00:22 > 0:00:23Well, I haven't written it yet!
0:00:23 > 0:00:26But the programme starts in 45 seconds!
0:00:26 > 0:00:27Oh, great.
0:00:27 > 0:00:30Well, that's twice as long as it usually takes to write this rubbish.
0:00:33 > 0:00:35- Wilfred?- Hello, there!
0:00:35 > 0:00:39We need to come up with lots of brilliant new ideas.
0:00:39 > 0:00:41I've got it!
0:00:41 > 0:00:43What? A brilliant new idea?
0:00:43 > 0:00:46No, a brilliant new light bulb for this dressing room.
0:00:46 > 0:00:48Wilfred?
0:00:48 > 0:00:51Finally, we need to make sure our big star is ready.
0:00:53 > 0:00:54Hacker?
0:00:54 > 0:00:57- Yes, Derek?- Is our big star ready?
0:00:57 > 0:01:02Yes! This 24 carat gold star will be perfect for bribing the judges.
0:01:02 > 0:01:05- BADUM-TISH! - Daytime Flemmy, here we come!
0:01:05 > 0:01:07Run the titles!
0:01:07 > 0:01:09Hoo-hoo!
0:01:12 > 0:01:13# You gonna watch this?
0:01:15 > 0:01:17# You gotta watch this!
0:01:19 > 0:01:21# You gotta watch this!
0:01:22 > 0:01:25# My, my, my, my programme hits you
0:01:25 > 0:01:27# So hard Makes me say, "Oh, my word!"
0:01:27 > 0:01:29# Thank you for watching me
0:01:29 > 0:01:31# It's telly, but not what you normally see
0:01:31 > 0:01:32# It feels good, there's outtakes too
0:01:32 > 0:01:34# Comedy, guests and clips, it's true
0:01:34 > 0:01:36# So sit back - don't move too much
0:01:36 > 0:01:39# This is the show - ha! - you can't touch. #
0:01:39 > 0:01:40Stop!
0:01:40 > 0:01:42Thank you.
0:01:42 > 0:01:43OK, standby, everyone.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46We're on air in five, four...
0:01:46 > 0:01:49Wilf, is the celebrity guest here?
0:01:49 > 0:01:51She's coming now.
0:01:53 > 0:01:56Hi, I'm Kimberly Wyatt - dancer, singer, TV judge.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58I'm here for a music programme?
0:01:58 > 0:01:59Oh, certainly, Mr Wyatt.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01But first, you look like you could use the lavatory.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04- Is that a fair assessment? - No, I'm OK.
0:02:04 > 0:02:05I think you should pop into the toilet,
0:02:05 > 0:02:07make a bit of room for later.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10- I'm really, I'm OK.- Go on. It's two-ply lavatory paper in there,
0:02:10 > 0:02:11it's really absorbent.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15Ready, Hacker!
0:02:15 > 0:02:19Good! I found the perfect outlet for her talents -
0:02:19 > 0:02:21a sewage outlet!
0:02:21 > 0:02:23SHE SCREAMS
0:02:27 > 0:02:29HE WHISTLES
0:02:29 > 0:02:32SHE WHIMPERS AND SCREAMS
0:02:34 > 0:02:40Ladies and gentlemen, from Taking The Next Step, it's Kimberly Wyatt!
0:02:43 > 0:02:46Welcome to Hacker Time!
0:02:46 > 0:02:47Hooray!
0:02:47 > 0:02:49No. I am not doing this.
0:02:49 > 0:02:54Oh, but Kimberly, in your honour, I've taken the next step.
0:02:54 > 0:02:55Oh, have you?
0:02:55 > 0:02:59Yes, look. The next step of the staircase that leads out of here.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01You're going nowhere, love! Ha-ha-ha!
0:03:01 > 0:03:04Well, I mean, it does feel quite nice to be on a show
0:03:04 > 0:03:07- that's been nominated for a Daytime Flemmy.- Good.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09Time to find out who you actually are.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11Derek, my liege!
0:03:11 > 0:03:12Le Fact File.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15SHE LAUGHS
0:03:15 > 0:03:16What's funny about that?
0:03:16 > 0:03:19Coming up, my little owl.
0:03:19 > 0:03:20Eh?
0:03:20 > 0:03:22What did you put that on for, Derek?
0:03:22 > 0:03:23- Who's that?- It's the wrong button.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26- Come on, press the right button. - Oh, it's him again.
0:03:26 > 0:03:30This is right. Kimberly Wyatt is an American pop singer, dancer,
0:03:30 > 0:03:32baker and wooden spoon holder.
0:03:32 > 0:03:36She judges Taking The Next Step in a lovely, bright pink studio.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38She'll feel right at home here, then!
0:03:38 > 0:03:39Kimberly won Celebrity MasterChef
0:03:39 > 0:03:42by holding the trophy out of everybody's reach.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45Her favourite colour is wenge, and her favourite food are sunglasses.
0:03:45 > 0:03:49And that's everything you don't need to know about Kimberly Wyatt.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54I'm still not entirely sure who you are, but I've committed now.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56Hmph! HE YELPS
0:03:56 > 0:03:58Cheeky! I must admit, since you've been here,
0:03:58 > 0:04:00you've created quite a stir.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02Well, I think it's really my only escape route out of here.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05Stir, stair - it works!
0:04:05 > 0:04:08Lovely stuff. Larry, what other muck's coming up?
0:04:08 > 0:04:11Well, it's a good job Kimberly Wyatt's our guest,
0:04:11 > 0:04:14because today's show is all about Kimberly Wyatt!
0:04:16 > 0:04:20Coming up, we've got a leg in the air,
0:04:20 > 0:04:22some plop in the fur
0:04:22 > 0:04:24and Accordion George.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26Don't go away!
0:04:27 > 0:04:30Wahey! It looks like the usual loaded schedule-filling tat,
0:04:30 > 0:04:32- don't you think, Kimberly?- Yeah.
0:04:32 > 0:04:36Um, just a reminder that the Daytime Flemmy Awards panel
0:04:36 > 0:04:39will be scoring you throughout this episode, Hacker.
0:04:39 > 0:04:43Them?! I thought they were our new set of gargoyles!
0:04:43 > 0:04:44Oh, I can't believe that!
0:04:44 > 0:04:46Oh, no - zero.
0:04:46 > 0:04:47Move on!
0:04:47 > 0:04:51Very well. Kimberly, you're a well-known dancer.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54But what's your signature move?
0:04:54 > 0:04:58I would say my signature move is the standing over split.
0:04:58 > 0:05:02- Do you want to see it? - Yeah, I do. Go on, cockle.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04- Ready?- Yeah.
0:05:04 > 0:05:08- What the...? - Anyone can do that! Watch.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10HE GRUNTS
0:05:14 > 0:05:17- Look at that!- Wow.
0:05:17 > 0:05:18How am I even doing this?
0:05:18 > 0:05:20I'm scared, Kimberly, I'm scared!
0:05:20 > 0:05:21I'm scared for you!
0:05:21 > 0:05:23No, I'm only joking, cocker. They're just prop legs.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26Apart from that one.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28- Huh? Whoa! - CRASH
0:05:28 > 0:05:33Anyway. Do you remember when I auditioned for Taking The Next Step?
0:05:33 > 0:05:34- No, I don't.- I did!
0:05:34 > 0:05:38I did do it. Peer at the evidence, cockers.
0:05:38 > 0:05:42I'm Hacker T Dog, and I'm here to audition.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44The floor is yours. Show me what you've got.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46Well, I've actually got this spot at the moment,
0:05:46 > 0:05:48- but I don't think that's relevant. - That is totally fine.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50Humongous, enormous!
0:05:50 > 0:05:52How rude! It's only lickle.
0:05:52 > 0:05:53I still look OK.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55I'm not a fan of the stank face thing.
0:05:55 > 0:05:56I don't get it.
0:05:56 > 0:05:57Bit harsh, John!
0:05:57 > 0:06:00I'm not a fan of your hair, but I wasn't going to mention it!
0:06:00 > 0:06:02Anyway, you'll love this.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04I'm a reet good dancer. Watch!
0:06:04 > 0:06:06# La, la, la La, la, la
0:06:06 > 0:06:08# La, la, la, la, limbo, ho Hey! #
0:06:08 > 0:06:12- Eh?- I think The Next Step might just love you.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15- So, yes.- It's a yes from me.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18Oh, one more yes and I'm through to nationals!
0:06:18 > 0:06:20It's a no from myself today.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23It's because of this spot, isn't it?
0:06:23 > 0:06:27It's not fair! IT'S NOT FAIR!
0:06:27 > 0:06:30- It wasn't fair! - Apparently, I liked you.
0:06:30 > 0:06:34Now, Kimbo, how did you start out as a dancer?
0:06:34 > 0:06:38Well, I started with gymnastics and then went into ballet and tap.
0:06:38 > 0:06:39- Oh, ballet?- Yeah.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42Did you know that Wilf was once in Swan Lake?
0:06:42 > 0:06:43No.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45Here you go, little swans!
0:06:45 > 0:06:47Lots of lovely bread for you.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49Here! Argh!
0:06:49 > 0:06:51- SPLASH - Oh, dear.
0:06:52 > 0:06:53He was so shaken up,
0:06:53 > 0:06:56he couldn't perform with the National Ballet later that week.
0:06:56 > 0:06:57- BADUM-TISH! - Eh?
0:06:59 > 0:07:03Now, Kim. You famously won a Celebrity MasterChef.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05What was on your winning menu?
0:07:05 > 0:07:09Well, for a starter I had seafood soup with mussels.
0:07:09 > 0:07:13- Ooh, no, seafood soup with MUSCLES doesn't really agree with me.- No?
0:07:13 > 0:07:16Oh, I don't really agree with you!
0:07:16 > 0:07:17THE SOUP CHUCKLES
0:07:17 > 0:07:20He'll be better once he's had his protein shake.
0:07:20 > 0:07:24As an American, did you have trouble with all the British names for food?
0:07:24 > 0:07:27Like tomato and banana
0:07:27 > 0:07:29and "manageable portion"?
0:07:29 > 0:07:32SHE LAUGHS Here and there, yes.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34Well, let's test your knowledge, then.
0:07:34 > 0:07:39You call these vegetables eggplant, zucchini, and scallions.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42But what are they called in Britain?
0:07:42 > 0:07:45Well, these are spring onions.
0:07:45 > 0:07:46Zucchini...
0:07:46 > 0:07:48- Courgette?- Mm.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50- Aubergine!- No!
0:07:50 > 0:07:52In Britain, they're all called Stuart.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54I call all me vegetables Stuart.
0:07:54 > 0:07:58It makes it easier to remember their names.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01- What?- Well, well, well. It's time to wrap up the interview.
0:08:01 > 0:08:06Cheers, Kimberly. Having you here it really has put a spring in my step.
0:08:06 > 0:08:07Oh, thank you for having me!
0:08:07 > 0:08:11Yeah. Somehow, Stuart the spring onion's got stuck in me step!
0:08:11 > 0:08:14- BADUM-TISH! - Do you see? A SPRING in my STEP!
0:08:14 > 0:08:15It's a joke!
0:08:15 > 0:08:17- Oh!- Oh!- Zero!
0:08:17 > 0:08:19THAT'S the final score?
0:08:19 > 0:08:23We're never getting that Daytime Flemmy Award now!
0:08:23 > 0:08:25Oh, we're not from the Daytime Flemmies!
0:08:25 > 0:08:27- No.- We're from the National Society
0:08:27 > 0:08:30of Middle Aged Women Who Hold Up Zeros For No Reason!
0:08:30 > 0:08:33Then who was the judge?
0:08:33 > 0:08:36Well, actually, it was me!
0:08:36 > 0:08:38And the award goes to...
0:08:38 > 0:08:41THEY ALL GASP
0:08:41 > 0:08:42..Stuart here!
0:08:44 > 0:08:48The most entertaining spring onion lodged in a step I have ever seen.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51No! None of this makes any sense!
0:08:51 > 0:08:55Talking of which, Larry, cut to summat else!
0:08:55 > 0:08:57Now on Hacker Time, the Admiral needs to watch his back
0:08:57 > 0:09:03in this week's Adventure of Admiral Lawnmower!
0:09:03 > 0:09:06DRAMATIC MUSIC
0:09:21 > 0:09:24'A great admiral needs only one thing -
0:09:24 > 0:09:26'Respect with a capital R.'
0:09:28 > 0:09:30D'oh!
0:09:30 > 0:09:32'I needn't worry.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34'Because my men often gather
0:09:34 > 0:09:37'to talk about how brilliant and lovely I am.'
0:09:39 > 0:09:41Men. We're gathered to talk about
0:09:41 > 0:09:44how brilliant and lovely the admiral is...
0:09:44 > 0:09:45n't.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48The man's a hideous disgrace of nature!
0:09:48 > 0:09:51Tell me about it! On Friday, he punished me with...
0:09:51 > 0:09:53the cat-o'-nine-tails!
0:09:53 > 0:09:54THEY ALL GASP
0:09:56 > 0:09:57Stroke it!
0:09:57 > 0:09:59But I'm allergic to cats!
0:09:59 > 0:10:02In that case, I'll have to use this on you!
0:10:02 > 0:10:03WHIP CRACKS
0:10:03 > 0:10:05- THEY ALL GASP - That's nothing.
0:10:05 > 0:10:09On Saturday, he made us hit an iceberg!
0:10:09 > 0:10:11An iceberg lettuce, that is!
0:10:11 > 0:10:12Mash it up good!
0:10:12 > 0:10:15Can't stand a chunky salad.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18Ha! You think that's bad?
0:10:18 > 0:10:22On Sunday, he came to me with a massive diva demand.
0:10:22 > 0:10:23Huh?!
0:10:23 > 0:10:24Wilf!
0:10:24 > 0:10:26Dress up as Beyonce.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28Oh, very well.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31FABRIC CREAKS Ooh! Ah!
0:10:31 > 0:10:32ELASTIC TWANGS
0:10:32 > 0:10:35# If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it
0:10:35 > 0:10:38# If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it
0:10:38 > 0:10:40# If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it. #
0:10:40 > 0:10:42That's terrible!
0:10:42 > 0:10:45I know. He never put a ring on it.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48One day, Wilfred.
0:10:48 > 0:10:49One day.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51This can't go on.
0:10:51 > 0:10:55We've got to talk to the admiral in the only language he understands!
0:10:55 > 0:10:58HE SPEAKS ITALIAN
0:11:00 > 0:11:02That's lovely, but I don't speak Italian.
0:11:04 > 0:11:07In that case, we're staging a mutiny!
0:11:07 > 0:11:09CHEERING
0:11:11 > 0:11:15From now on, we are the masters and you are the servant.
0:11:15 > 0:11:16Mamma Mia!
0:11:18 > 0:11:20'As the crew took over the ship,
0:11:20 > 0:11:23'I was certain it wouldn't go to their heads.'
0:11:23 > 0:11:27THEY ALL LAUGH
0:11:27 > 0:11:30What a wonderful party to celebrate the fact
0:11:30 > 0:11:32that this has definitely gone to our heads.
0:11:32 > 0:11:33THEY CHEER
0:11:33 > 0:11:36Indeed! Now, where's that boy with my chunky salad?
0:11:36 > 0:11:37Ugh.
0:11:37 > 0:11:41I'm here, your worshipful majesty.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43What would you like me to do next?
0:11:43 > 0:11:45Er, clean the poop deck!
0:11:45 > 0:11:47HE GASPS
0:11:47 > 0:11:50Actually, this isn't so bad.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52I wonder why they call it the poop deck.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54- GULL CRIES - Hm?
0:11:54 > 0:11:56Argh! Oh...
0:11:56 > 0:11:58CHATTER AND LAUGHTER
0:11:58 > 0:11:59Ooh, seedless!
0:12:01 > 0:12:03Anything else?
0:12:03 > 0:12:06Yes. Clean all of our filthy underpants.
0:12:06 > 0:12:08HE GASPS
0:12:08 > 0:12:10HE WHISTLES
0:12:10 > 0:12:12Actually, this isn't so bad.
0:12:12 > 0:12:13GULL CRIES
0:12:13 > 0:12:15Oh...
0:12:16 > 0:12:17Whoa!
0:12:17 > 0:12:19THEY LAUGH
0:12:19 > 0:12:22HACKER PANTS
0:12:22 > 0:12:25Please tell me there isn't anything else!
0:12:25 > 0:12:26I'm afraid there is.
0:12:26 > 0:12:30Go to the mess deck and clean the muck off everyone's shoes.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33THEY ALL CHEER
0:12:33 > 0:12:36Actually, this isn't so bad!
0:12:36 > 0:12:38There's only Wifty Bob.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41Salty Margret, Tall Alan.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43And... Who are you?
0:12:43 > 0:12:45Eric The Millipede.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50I want all 1,000 shoes cleaning.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56I can't take any more of this!
0:12:56 > 0:12:57Listen here, you lot.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59I'm staging my own mutiny.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03- What did he say?- I don't know!
0:13:03 > 0:13:05I don't speak Italian.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08From now on, I'm your master.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10And you are my servants!
0:13:10 > 0:13:12Just like before.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15Well, that's resolved everything very neatly.
0:13:15 > 0:13:19I'm afraid it hasn't. Look, we're about to hit an iceberg!
0:13:19 > 0:13:20THEY GASP
0:13:20 > 0:13:21Don't be ridiculous.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28That's clearly a Romaine lettuce!
0:13:31 > 0:13:32GULL CRIES
0:13:32 > 0:13:34Guh! Oh...
0:13:41 > 0:13:44Well, that was ridiculous!
0:13:44 > 0:13:48However, I do recall the time I took over a ship.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50- Oh, really, Father?- Oh, yes.
0:13:50 > 0:13:55It had been docked for many a year and I grew furiously upon its hull.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57Isn't that a place in Yorkshire?
0:13:57 > 0:13:59You're watching Hacker Time,
0:13:59 > 0:14:01sponsored by I Can't Believe It's Not Not Glam!
0:14:01 > 0:14:03Everyone's favourite Not Glam substitute.
0:14:05 > 0:14:06One day, Herman.
0:14:07 > 0:14:10You're going to be the star of this show, matey!
0:14:10 > 0:14:12Oh-ho! Herman, Herman!
0:14:12 > 0:14:13I'm glad I've caught you.
0:14:13 > 0:14:16I'm finally going to give you the chance to shine...
0:14:16 > 0:14:17HERMAN GASPS
0:14:17 > 0:14:19..this antique horse brass.
0:14:19 > 0:14:20Oh.
0:14:20 > 0:14:24But Herman, I do want everyone to see your face...
0:14:24 > 0:14:25HERMAN GASPS
0:14:25 > 0:14:28- ..in it! So make sure you buff it up nicely!- Oh!
0:14:28 > 0:14:31Actually, Herman I've decided to give you the star dressing room...
0:14:31 > 0:14:32HERMAN GASPS
0:14:32 > 0:14:34..to clean!
0:14:34 > 0:14:36I don't know what Hacker's been up to in there,
0:14:36 > 0:14:39- but it smells of gibbon and ingratitude.- Please, Mr Derek.
0:14:39 > 0:14:42Is there any chance I can take the next step to get on the TV?
0:14:42 > 0:14:46Of course! That's exactly what I had in mind.
0:14:46 > 0:14:49I want you to take the next step on this ladder and get on that TV.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51The ceiling needs dusting!
0:14:51 > 0:14:53Goodbye!
0:14:53 > 0:14:55One day, Herman.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57Everyone's going to know your name.
0:14:57 > 0:14:58Thank you, Sharon!
0:15:00 > 0:15:01Close enough.
0:15:01 > 0:15:06Coming back to studio in three, two, one.
0:15:06 > 0:15:07And cue!
0:15:07 > 0:15:11Kimberly Wyatt, you appear on Taking The Next Step.
0:15:11 > 0:15:14But what makes the perfect Next Step character?
0:15:15 > 0:15:18Well, I would say passion for dance is a big one.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20Loads of personality is always a plus.
0:15:20 > 0:15:23Well, I think I've got exactly what it takes to be on that show.
0:15:23 > 0:15:28And I shall demonstrate my powers by the gift of song!
0:15:31 > 0:15:33'80S POWER BALLAD
0:15:35 > 0:15:39# I want to practise my dance moves
0:15:39 > 0:15:43# In a studio made of exposed brick
0:15:43 > 0:15:45# Wear a synthetic vest
0:15:45 > 0:15:48# Kick my legs up like West
0:15:48 > 0:15:51# On a white backdrop I'll spin till I'm sick... #
0:15:51 > 0:15:53Blarrghh!
0:15:53 > 0:15:57# The only problem is I can't dance to save my life
0:15:57 > 0:16:02# But I add dramatic tension, causing misery and strive
0:16:02 > 0:16:06# I've got my legwarmers and glossy hair
0:16:06 > 0:16:11# I'll talk to several cameras sitting in a canvas chair
0:16:11 > 0:16:15# Cause trivial dramas by being very mean
0:16:15 > 0:16:20# Exhibiting the angst of a self-absorbed teen
0:16:20 > 0:16:25# I'll tell the home viewers things they've only just seen
0:16:25 > 0:16:31# And that's the basic formula of The Next Step
0:16:31 > 0:16:33# Ooh! #
0:16:33 > 0:16:35Yeah, what do you think of that, cocker?
0:16:35 > 0:16:38Well, you put a load of heart and soul into it, didn't you?
0:16:38 > 0:16:40I sure did!
0:16:40 > 0:16:42- BELL - Oh, that's lunch!
0:16:42 > 0:16:44- Are you hungry, Kimberly? - Starving!
0:16:44 > 0:16:47That's a shame, cos you're not getting any!
0:16:47 > 0:16:48See ya!
0:16:48 > 0:16:49# La-la-la, foodstuffs. #
0:16:49 > 0:16:51Come on.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54Ooohh!
0:16:54 > 0:16:57STUDIO POWERS DOWN
0:16:57 > 0:16:59Hello?
0:16:59 > 0:17:00Oh.
0:17:00 > 0:17:01At least I've got Stuart.
0:17:07 > 0:17:11- Wilfred?- Yes? - I've made some changes.
0:17:11 > 0:17:15We're saving time by abbreviating everything on the menu.
0:17:15 > 0:17:18From now on, orange juice will be OJ.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21Pie and mash will be PAM.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24Etc, etc, etc.
0:17:24 > 0:17:28Well, I'm sure this won't cause any humorous misunderstanding.
0:17:28 > 0:17:29Oh, here comes a customer!
0:17:30 > 0:17:33I'll have the BLT, please!
0:17:33 > 0:17:35- Here you go. - But that's got no bacon in it.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37I know, but the B stands for bread.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40But there's no lettuce or tomato, either!
0:17:40 > 0:17:43Yes. BLT stands for bread, lacking things.
0:17:43 > 0:17:47If I only wanted bread, I'd have just asked for B!
0:17:47 > 0:17:48But that's bacon!
0:17:48 > 0:17:50Well, in that case, I'll have a P.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53- Certainly, the facilities are round the back.- No, P!
0:17:53 > 0:17:56- A pasty!- You can't go in that, you disgusting brute.
0:17:56 > 0:18:00- Eh?- I said, you can't go in that, you disgusting brute!
0:18:00 > 0:18:02No, A. I want an apple.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04- Why?- Because I'm hungry!
0:18:04 > 0:18:06No, Y, the letter Y.
0:18:06 > 0:18:07Do you want a yoghurt to go with it?
0:18:07 > 0:18:09Forget all that!
0:18:10 > 0:18:13You are a cutie.
0:18:13 > 0:18:16Oh, well, thank you very much.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18No! U-R-A-Q-T!
0:18:18 > 0:18:22I will have the Ukrainian-reared, albino quail terrine!
0:18:22 > 0:18:23Good choice, yeah.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26It's been handmade by my hideous wife here.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28Actually, scrap everything.
0:18:28 > 0:18:31I'll just have a T, with milk and sugar.
0:18:31 > 0:18:32Fair enough.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34One trout, coming up.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36Here's your milk.
0:18:36 > 0:18:37And...
0:18:37 > 0:18:39your sugar.
0:18:40 > 0:18:41What do you think you're doing?!
0:18:41 > 0:18:44I wanted semi-skimmed.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47I-F-U-T-V.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49What?
0:18:49 > 0:18:51I'll fire up the van.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53Oh, Wilf.
0:18:53 > 0:18:54ALARM
0:18:56 > 0:19:00And now, we present a new talent show format.
0:19:00 > 0:19:01It's...
0:19:05 > 0:19:06Right, Hacker, good luck.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08Get in there and do something
0:19:08 > 0:19:10that people are going to remember for a long time.
0:19:10 > 0:19:12- Off you go.- Very well!
0:19:13 > 0:19:15LONG FARTS
0:19:15 > 0:19:17FLUSHING
0:19:17 > 0:19:19- Phew!- All done? Brilliant.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21- Off you go and audition.- Will do. - Good luck.
0:19:24 > 0:19:25Can I have your name?
0:19:25 > 0:19:27- No, get your own! - BADUM-TISH!
0:19:27 > 0:19:29What's brought you here today?
0:19:29 > 0:19:30The number 76 bus.
0:19:32 > 0:19:36I'm looking for someone with a unique, distinct style.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38Well, I've got one, look. Here it is.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40I nicked it from a country walk I went on!
0:19:40 > 0:19:43- Good gag, innit? - What about inspiration?
0:19:43 > 0:19:45Who do you look up to the most?
0:19:45 > 0:19:48Well, I'm always looking up to Big Long Susan here.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50It's a shame I don't respect her, though, in't it?
0:19:50 > 0:19:53I'm sorry, I really don't think you have what it takes
0:19:53 > 0:19:55- to get to the top.- I do!
0:19:55 > 0:19:59I've got this climbing helmet and these crampons, look.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02I'll be up by Susan's ears within five days.
0:20:02 > 0:20:03What about ambition?
0:20:03 > 0:20:06Where do you see yourself in five years' time?
0:20:06 > 0:20:09- In this mirror, in five years' time. - BADUM-TISH!
0:20:09 > 0:20:11This is serious!
0:20:11 > 0:20:13Do you really think you have global appeal?
0:20:13 > 0:20:16Yes! I'm nearly at the outer core, look.
0:20:16 > 0:20:18I'm peeling a globe!
0:20:18 > 0:20:20Hacker, I need someone with technical ability.
0:20:20 > 0:20:23So, let's see you in action. Off you go.
0:20:23 > 0:20:24All right...
0:20:24 > 0:20:27No, come back!
0:20:27 > 0:20:29- I meant start performing. - Oh, right.- Off you go.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32Come back!
0:20:32 > 0:20:33Off you go.
0:20:33 > 0:20:34Come back!
0:20:36 > 0:20:37Off you go.
0:20:37 > 0:20:38Come back!
0:20:39 > 0:20:43That does it. There is nothing you can do to win this contest.
0:20:43 > 0:20:48Oh, really? You haven't heard my tragic back story yet, have you?
0:20:49 > 0:20:52You see,
0:20:52 > 0:20:55before I came here, I mislaid me pen.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57Oh, it wasn't just any pen!
0:20:57 > 0:21:01It was a spring-activated, multicolour ballpoint!
0:21:01 > 0:21:03I've done so much with that little fella!
0:21:03 > 0:21:08Shopping lists, crossword puzzles, anonymous notes to Herman.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10I knew it!
0:21:10 > 0:21:12And now it's gone!
0:21:12 > 0:21:13So put me through!
0:21:13 > 0:21:15But don't do it for me.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18Do it for my beloved writing implement.
0:21:18 > 0:21:20And all his inky brothers.
0:21:20 > 0:21:22Waaahhh!
0:21:23 > 0:21:27It worked! My story's really touched you, hasn't it?
0:21:27 > 0:21:28Oh, I wasn't crying at that.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31I got bored during your story
0:21:31 > 0:21:34and started chopping this onion for my casserole.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36What have you done to Stuart?
0:21:36 > 0:21:39However, I do think you're ready to take the next step.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41Hurrah!
0:21:41 > 0:21:42Bap-bap-bowaaah!
0:21:42 > 0:21:46The next step into that off-screen piranha tank!
0:21:46 > 0:21:48Well, I can't see any problem with that.
0:21:48 > 0:21:49See you!
0:21:49 > 0:21:50# La-la-la... #
0:21:50 > 0:21:51Aargh!
0:21:51 > 0:21:53- TEETH GNASH - Ooh, no...!
0:21:53 > 0:21:55Oh, my everything! No!
0:21:55 > 0:21:57Oh, there's me pen, look.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59Do you have a talent, Father?
0:21:59 > 0:22:00I did.
0:22:00 > 0:22:04- But I left it on a tram in the late 1960s.- Oh.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07If you're a fan of high-quality singing,
0:22:07 > 0:22:09look away now and close those ears!
0:22:09 > 0:22:12It's time for Lost & Found!
0:22:12 > 0:22:14(& Lost Again).
0:22:21 > 0:22:24These celebrities have such great lives.
0:22:24 > 0:22:26- How do you mean?- Well, look.
0:22:26 > 0:22:28They get to hang around with other celebrities
0:22:28 > 0:22:29and take photos of themselves!
0:22:29 > 0:22:31Well, you can take photos, too.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33You've got a camera phone.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35It's not the same, is it?
0:22:35 > 0:22:39I've just got you and the other non-famous schmoes in this place.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41But one day...
0:22:41 > 0:22:43One day...
0:22:43 > 0:22:46# I want the world to know me
0:22:46 > 0:22:49# Fame is what I seek
0:22:49 > 0:22:52# But most of all, I want to be...
0:22:52 > 0:22:55# BFFs with VIPs
0:22:55 > 0:22:57# Do the cha-cha with Lady Gaga Pull a sleigh with Beyonce
0:22:57 > 0:23:00# Stroke a lamb with will.I.am Eat steak with Justin Timberlake
0:23:00 > 0:23:03# Peel a cherry with Mary Berry Then she and Katy Perry can
0:23:03 > 0:23:06# Bake me a cake
0:23:06 > 0:23:08# Drive to Peckham with David Beckham
0:23:08 > 0:23:10# Ride a lift with Taylor Swift Poke amoebas with Justin Bieber
0:23:10 > 0:23:12# Then teach him about continental drift... #
0:23:12 > 0:23:14I've heard he's really into geography. And it rhymes.
0:23:14 > 0:23:20# And also, I want to clean my toe with
0:23:20 > 0:23:25# Cristiano Ronaldo
0:23:25 > 0:23:28- # BFFs - Best friends forever
0:23:28 > 0:23:31- # With VIPs - Very important people
0:23:31 > 0:23:34# That is all I
0:23:34 > 0:23:38# Really, really, really
0:23:38 > 0:23:40# Seek. #
0:23:43 > 0:23:44Seek and you shall find.
0:23:46 > 0:23:49Look, it's all well and good wanting to know famous people,
0:23:49 > 0:23:51but don't you just want to sing?
0:23:51 > 0:23:54No way! You'd never catch me singing.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56# La-la-la
0:23:56 > 0:23:58# I love to sing! #
0:24:00 > 0:24:02# Ooh-ooh-oooooh... #
0:24:03 > 0:24:07And now, we come to the climax of the show!
0:24:07 > 0:24:09The quiz that we like to call...
0:24:09 > 0:24:12# Beam My Guest
0:24:12 > 0:24:16# Beam My Guest
0:24:16 > 0:24:19# Beam My Guest!
0:24:19 > 0:24:20# Beam! #
0:24:20 > 0:24:22Guest! Beam! My, yes!
0:24:22 > 0:24:24Kimberly Reginald Wyatt,
0:24:24 > 0:24:27how much do you want to go home?
0:24:27 > 0:24:30- I would really like to go home! - Right, now's your chance, cocker.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32You're standing in my teleporter,
0:24:32 > 0:24:35which I got from a disreputable retail park.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37I'm going to ask you a series of questions.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40Get enough answers right, and you'll be beamed back home.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43Fail miserably, however, and you'll go somewhere horrendous.
0:24:43 > 0:24:44How does that sound?
0:24:44 > 0:24:46Oh, it sounds fantastic(!)
0:24:46 > 0:24:49Yeah. Well, the time will end when you hear this sound.
0:24:49 > 0:24:52Where's my protein shake?
0:24:52 > 0:24:54- Are you ready?- I'm ready!
0:24:54 > 0:24:57In that case, start the clock!
0:24:57 > 0:25:00Name three characters from The Next Step.
0:25:00 > 0:25:02Riley, Eldon and Emily.
0:25:02 > 0:25:03No!
0:25:03 > 0:25:06Three characters from The Next Step are T, N and X.
0:25:06 > 0:25:09Oh, it's now time for a music round.
0:25:09 > 0:25:12Here's me old chum, and favourite custard eating champion,
0:25:12 > 0:25:15Accordion George! Bring him in!
0:25:15 > 0:25:17# It's Accordion George
0:25:17 > 0:25:18# It's Accordion George... #
0:25:18 > 0:25:20He likes custard!
0:25:20 > 0:25:21# It's Accordion George
0:25:21 > 0:25:23# Acky G
0:25:23 > 0:25:24# AG, AG, AG! #
0:25:24 > 0:25:27George will play a well-known tune on his acc,
0:25:27 > 0:25:29and you've got to guess what it is.
0:25:29 > 0:25:32Take it away, Acky G!
0:25:32 > 0:25:35JAUNTY TUNE
0:25:48 > 0:25:49What do you think it was, Kimbo?
0:25:49 > 0:25:51Janet Jackson.
0:25:51 > 0:25:52Janet Jackson?
0:25:52 > 0:25:54Well, I presume it isn't correct.
0:25:54 > 0:25:56But let's find out if you're right or not.
0:25:56 > 0:25:58# I said, "You're holding back"
0:25:58 > 0:26:01# She said, "Shut up and dance..." #
0:26:01 > 0:26:03It was Shut Up And Dance by Walk The Moon.
0:26:03 > 0:26:06Acky G, you should have rehearsed that at lunchtime
0:26:06 > 0:26:07instead of eating all that custard.
0:26:07 > 0:26:08I told you about it, didn't I?
0:26:08 > 0:26:10It went all over your bag.
0:26:10 > 0:26:12Take him away! Off you pop.
0:26:12 > 0:26:14Mind your shin, will you, on the way round?
0:26:14 > 0:26:16Oh, he caught his elbow, never mind.
0:26:16 > 0:26:17It's the picture around now.
0:26:17 > 0:26:20We've disguised one of your Taking The Next Step colleagues.
0:26:20 > 0:26:22But who is it?
0:26:22 > 0:26:24John Partridge!
0:26:24 > 0:26:28No! It's Barbara Chickenhead, who works in the production office.
0:26:28 > 0:26:29Obvs!
0:26:29 > 0:26:31Where's my protein shake?
0:26:31 > 0:26:33Oh! Time's up!
0:26:33 > 0:26:35How did she do, cocker?
0:26:37 > 0:26:39That actually stands for "Oooh!",
0:26:39 > 0:26:42which means you're going home, Kimberly!
0:26:42 > 0:26:44- What do you think about that, cockle?- Yes!
0:26:44 > 0:26:47It's now time to Beam My Guest.
0:26:47 > 0:26:49Oh, Herman!
0:26:49 > 0:26:52Make sure you don't accidentally send her to another dimension!
0:26:52 > 0:26:54Don't worry, Mr Hacker!
0:26:57 > 0:26:58No, no, no, no!
0:26:58 > 0:27:00I don't want to go to another dimension!
0:27:00 > 0:27:03Don't send me! No, I just want to go home!
0:27:03 > 0:27:05Oh, I'm sure she's fine.
0:27:09 > 0:27:11That's almost it for today.
0:27:11 > 0:27:14I'm off to pick the lint out of me tumble dryer filter.
0:27:14 > 0:27:16But first, I shall sing my lovely end song.
0:27:16 > 0:27:18Join in, cockers!
0:27:23 > 0:27:25# That is it for now, the end of the show
0:27:25 > 0:27:28# I need the lav-lav, so I'm going to go
0:27:28 > 0:27:30# I'll see you next time on this show of mine
0:27:30 > 0:27:33# Put it in your diary, it's called Hacker Time
0:27:33 > 0:27:35# It's been amazing, there's been joy, fun and laughter
0:27:35 > 0:27:37# This could be the year we win our first Bafta
0:27:37 > 0:27:39# Join again next time cos we've got much more
0:27:39 > 0:27:42# There'll be tons of other funny stuff - it will be top drawer
0:27:42 > 0:27:44# Kimberly Wyatt came along
0:27:44 > 0:27:47# She's a dancer extraordinaire
0:27:47 > 0:27:49# I told her my tragic back story
0:27:49 > 0:27:52# And I got a spring onion lodged betwixt a set of portable stairs
0:27:52 > 0:27:54# That is it for now, the end of the show
0:27:54 > 0:27:56# I need the lav-lav, so I'm going to go
0:27:56 > 0:27:59# I'll see you next time on this show of mine
0:27:59 > 0:28:01# Put it in your diary, it's called Hacker Time
0:28:01 > 0:28:04# Put it in your diary, it's called Hacker Time
0:28:04 > 0:28:06# That is the end of today's Hacker Time! #
0:28:09 > 0:28:11Stuart, come back here!
0:28:11 > 0:28:12Stuart!