0:00:05 > 0:00:08- One minute to on-air, everyone. - HE QUACKS
0:00:08 > 0:00:11Right, you lot. It's time to scrub up and look your best.
0:00:11 > 0:00:13The show's about to start
0:00:13 > 0:00:15and you've all been looking really scruffy lately.
0:00:15 > 0:00:17- HE GRUMBLES - Hmm.
0:00:17 > 0:00:18- Hello, Derek.- Argh!
0:00:18 > 0:00:21Lolly, you look terrible.
0:00:21 > 0:00:22How dare you!
0:00:22 > 0:00:25I just haven't been in to make-up yet. One moment.
0:00:30 > 0:00:32There. I'm ready now.
0:00:32 > 0:00:33Ooh!
0:00:33 > 0:00:37- Well, that's an eye-opener.- See you.
0:00:37 > 0:00:39Wilf, I hope you're wearing something smart,
0:00:39 > 0:00:41because you normally look totally rubbish.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45- Hello.- Oh, Wilf.- Don't worry.
0:00:45 > 0:00:50I'm only dressed as a bin because I'm off to a fancy dress party.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52Well, at least I can count on the star of the show, Hacker T Dog,
0:00:52 > 0:00:54to always look sharp.
0:00:56 > 0:00:59You all right, cocker? I'm off to that fancy dress party.
0:00:59 > 0:01:02The theme is bins and scissors for some reason.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04- Bye! - HE HUMS CHEERFULLY
0:01:04 > 0:01:06Oh. But what about being smartly dressed?
0:01:06 > 0:01:09Oh, well. I don't want to be a party pooper.
0:01:11 > 0:01:14Ho-ho. Run the titles.
0:01:14 > 0:01:15Oh! Whoa!
0:01:17 > 0:01:18# You gotta watch this!
0:01:21 > 0:01:23# You gotta watch this!
0:01:24 > 0:01:26# You gotta watch this!
0:01:27 > 0:01:31- HE RAPS:- # My, my, my, my programme hits you so hard
0:01:31 > 0:01:33# Makes me say, "Oh, my word!"
0:01:33 > 0:01:34# Thank you for watching me
0:01:34 > 0:01:36# It's telly, but not what you normally see
0:01:36 > 0:01:38# It feels good, there's outtakes too
0:01:38 > 0:01:40# Comedy, guests and clips, it's true
0:01:40 > 0:01:41# So sit back - don't move too much
0:01:41 > 0:01:44# This is the show - ah! - you can't touch. #
0:01:44 > 0:01:46Stop! Hacker Time.
0:01:46 > 0:01:47Thank you.
0:01:47 > 0:01:52OK, stand by, everyone. We're on air in five, four...
0:01:52 > 0:01:55- Wilf, is the celebrity guest here? - ..three, two, one.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57- She's coming now. - HE LAUGHS
0:01:57 > 0:02:00Oh, hi, mate. It's Lauren Layfield here.
0:02:00 > 0:02:01I'm here to film The Dengineers.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04Yes, certainly, sir, but don't you need the toilet first?
0:02:04 > 0:02:06- The toilet? - Yeah, you might as well nip in.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08- No, I don't need the toilet. - Go on. Wash your hands at least.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10- I don't really want... - Go to the toilet.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12- ..to go to the toilet. - Get in.- Oi!- Shut the door.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14- I don't need the... Oh! - Shut the door.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16..need the toilet.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18She's ready, Hacker!
0:02:18 > 0:02:21Time toi-LET her in.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23Whoa!
0:02:23 > 0:02:26SHE SCREAMS
0:02:26 > 0:02:28HE WHISTLES CHEERFULLY
0:02:28 > 0:02:31SHE CONTINUES SCREAMING
0:02:33 > 0:02:38Ladies and gentlemen, from CBBC HQ and The Dengineers,
0:02:38 > 0:02:41it's Lauren Layfield!
0:02:41 > 0:02:43Whoa!
0:02:43 > 0:02:45Oh! Oh! Ah!
0:02:45 > 0:02:49Welcome to Hacker Time! Ta-dah!
0:02:49 > 0:02:52No, whoa. Hang on a second. No, no, no. I didn't agree to this.
0:02:52 > 0:02:53Oh, come on, lozenge.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56How about I make you a den befitting of your personality
0:02:56 > 0:02:58like they do in The Dengineers?
0:02:58 > 0:03:00- OK, all right, then. That sounds nice.- OK.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02- Go on, then.- There you go.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05- Take that.- There's nothing there, is there?- I know!
0:03:05 > 0:03:07I'm implying you have no personality.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09That's what I'm doing. It was a kind of joke.
0:03:09 > 0:03:12Ha-ha-ha! Ha!
0:03:12 > 0:03:14Derek, fire up the fact file for this one.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17No problemo, Hacker.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20- What's this? Who's that? - OVER TV:- 'Cactus, cactus...'
0:03:20 > 0:03:22'This is one time when a dozen chickens...'
0:03:22 > 0:03:25Chickens on a plane? Don't think so. Change that.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27- It's that button there. - 'Cactus! More cactus! Hat!'
0:03:27 > 0:03:29Oh, no, this is it.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32Lauren Layfield is a presenter on CBBC who's brave enough
0:03:32 > 0:03:34to team up blue with blue.
0:03:34 > 0:03:38Despite presenting The Dengineers, she can't afford a real house
0:03:38 > 0:03:41so has to live inside this cartoon drawing of one instead.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44She once got her hand glued to a microphone stand
0:03:44 > 0:03:46during the making of the show,
0:03:46 > 0:03:49so these days she prefers to hold imaginary things instead.
0:03:49 > 0:03:53And that is all you need to know about Lauren Layfield.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56Well, for somebody with no personality,
0:03:56 > 0:03:58that fact file lasted a long time, didn't it, cocker?
0:03:58 > 0:04:00- It went on a bit, yeah. - I'm only kidding.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02- You've got loads of personality. - Thank you.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04Too much, if anything.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07You're going to love today's show, cocker, because it's all about you.
0:04:07 > 0:04:10- Yes!- But if like many of the viewers at home
0:04:10 > 0:04:12you're not a Lauren Layfield fan, don't worry.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15It's not really all about her. Larry, le menu.
0:04:15 > 0:04:19Certainly, Hacker. Lend me your Dengin-EARS...
0:04:19 > 0:04:20Ha!
0:04:20 > 0:04:21..because coming up,
0:04:21 > 0:04:24Lauren listens to the Hacker Time theme tune...
0:04:24 > 0:04:27That noise is horrible.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30..Lauren tries the Hacker Time catering...
0:04:30 > 0:04:32Oh, Hacker, you're useless.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35..and Lauren enthusiastically waves at Acky G.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38- Give us a wave, Acky.- Don't go away.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43Oh, I feel bad for those not watching on catch-up
0:04:43 > 0:04:45because they can't just skip to the end.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47- Now, Lauren laying on a field... - Yeah?
0:04:47 > 0:04:50..are you ready for your big interview?
0:04:50 > 0:04:52- Yes. Bring it on.- Right then.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55On The Dengineers, you like to put things in gardens
0:04:55 > 0:04:56that weren't there before.
0:04:56 > 0:04:59Well, Lozza, I've put something in your garden
0:04:59 > 0:05:00that wasn't there before.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02- What?- My droppings.
0:05:02 > 0:05:08- No!- I've left some of my crisp, warm droppings on your lovely path.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11But who let you in to do that? I've not agreed to this.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14I had perfect access because I nipped over your low boundary wall
0:05:14 > 0:05:17and plopped on your crazy paving.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20- Now, Lauren...- Yeah?
0:05:20 > 0:05:23- ..Mark Wright.- Yes. - Is he?- What, right?
0:05:23 > 0:05:26- Is he always right? - Occasionally, he has been right.
0:05:26 > 0:05:29No, no. He's always right.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31- No, he's not.- Look!
0:05:31 > 0:05:34- What? There he is. There he is. - Always right.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37- He's not always... Occasionally. - Well, look at this one, then.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39- There he is on the right.- OK.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41- Always right. - SHE LAUGHS
0:05:41 > 0:05:43- Yeah, he is always right. - And look at this one.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46On the right. Always...
0:05:46 > 0:05:48Oh, forget it!
0:05:48 > 0:05:51Lauren, you're always looking to create hiding places
0:05:51 > 0:05:52in The Dengineers, aren't you?
0:05:52 > 0:05:55Yeah, we make dens for kids to hide away in.
0:05:55 > 0:05:59- Well, I'm always looking for a hiding place too.- OK.
0:05:59 > 0:06:04One, two, three. Ready or not, here I come!
0:06:04 > 0:06:07- Found you! - HE LAUGHS
0:06:07 > 0:06:09What fun, eh? Plaice!
0:06:09 > 0:06:11It's a plaice! It's a type of fish.
0:06:11 > 0:06:14A hiding PLAICE. Do you see?
0:06:14 > 0:06:16Yeah, I see. I see it, a fish joke.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18- Now, Lawrence...- Yeah?
0:06:18 > 0:06:21..what do you call people who make things out of wood?
0:06:21 > 0:06:24Uh, they're called carpenters.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26You rang?
0:06:26 > 0:06:29Carp is a type of fish, and that carp just entered.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31CARP-enters.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33Carp... Do you see?
0:06:33 > 0:06:36- What just happened? - Now, Lauren...- Yep?
0:06:36 > 0:06:38..you upcycle things on The Dengineers,
0:06:38 > 0:06:40but what is upcycling?
0:06:40 > 0:06:45Upcycling is where you take an object and you improve it
0:06:45 > 0:06:46to make a better object.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49- I've upcycled today's script... - Oh, yeah?
0:06:49 > 0:06:51- SHE LAUGHS - ..into a laboratory roll.
0:06:51 > 0:06:57Yeah. So, now it really does what it says on the tin, cocker.
0:06:57 > 0:06:58- Now, Lauren...- Yeah?
0:06:58 > 0:07:01..do you remember the time that I popped up unexpectedly
0:07:01 > 0:07:03on The Dengineers?
0:07:03 > 0:07:04No.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07- Address this evidence with your eyeballs.- What?
0:07:07 > 0:07:09- Look at this. Do you like it?- I love it.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11That is epic.
0:07:11 > 0:07:15- Do you want to go inside and see the special effects?- Yes.- Yeah?
0:07:15 > 0:07:17Come on. Let's get in there.
0:07:17 > 0:07:18That's it.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21What are you doing in here?
0:07:21 > 0:07:25Have you never heard of privacy? Oh, you've ruined my inner sanctum!
0:07:25 > 0:07:27Get out! I've not finished!
0:07:27 > 0:07:28Ooh!
0:07:28 > 0:07:30Prrrrffft! SPLASHING
0:07:30 > 0:07:32Oh, I've finished now.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35My inner sanctum was all over the place, Lauren.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37What are your thoughts on that?
0:07:37 > 0:07:39That noise was horrible!
0:07:39 > 0:07:41It was natural, cocker.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44Lauren Layfield, you have lots of tips on the show, don't you?
0:07:44 > 0:07:47Yes, we like to give people lots of tips, help them out.
0:07:47 > 0:07:50Can't you afford to die the rest of you're hair?
0:07:50 > 0:07:52THEY LAUGH What?
0:07:52 > 0:07:55- That's OK. I understand it's a statement of style.- Yeah.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58But seriously, why the dungarees?
0:07:58 > 0:08:01- What do you mean? - You look like an Italian plumber.
0:08:01 > 0:08:05- They're good. They're trendy. - And are those glasses prescription?
0:08:05 > 0:08:07- Yes.- Looks like they've been prescribed
0:08:07 > 0:08:09for someone with a massive head, cocker.
0:08:09 > 0:08:12Are you a welder? Are you a welder or something?
0:08:12 > 0:08:16No, I just like to wear a dungaree a big spectacle.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18- And a large spectacle. - Yeah.- Good work.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21Now, I've heard you like one particular member
0:08:21 > 0:08:23of the Hacker Time team more than the others.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25Uh-huh, I do. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
0:08:25 > 0:08:28Well, how does it feel to finally meet me?
0:08:28 > 0:08:30Ah. Um...
0:08:30 > 0:08:33This is a little bit awkward, this.
0:08:33 > 0:08:36It's not actually you. RECORD SCRATCHES
0:08:36 > 0:08:40Ooh! Here he is now. All right, Wilf? How's the wife?
0:08:40 > 0:08:42All right, Lauren. Yeah. Yeah, not bad.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45Are we still on for glamping this weekend?
0:08:45 > 0:08:48Do you know what, Wilf? I would not miss it for the world, eh?
0:08:48 > 0:08:51Hey! What's going on here, then? Eh?
0:08:51 > 0:08:54Wilfred Enamel Breadbin, get out of here!
0:08:54 > 0:08:57What are you doing round here getting involved with my guest?
0:08:57 > 0:08:58Lauren is my guest, not yours, Wilf!
0:08:58 > 0:09:00It's not Wilf Time, it's Hacker Time!
0:09:00 > 0:09:02Get out of my sight!
0:09:02 > 0:09:03- In a bit, Wilf.- Right, then.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06On The Dengineers, you're always surprising people
0:09:06 > 0:09:07- with hidden cameras, aren't you? - Yes.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10I remember when I was surprised by a hidden camera.
0:09:10 > 0:09:14Oooh, I hope there's no surprises in this cake.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17- I don't like surprises.- Surprise!
0:09:17 > 0:09:20- Argh!- Surprise!- Argh! - PARTY WHISTLE BLOWS
0:09:20 > 0:09:21No!
0:09:21 > 0:09:24You mustn't! Oh, you mustn't!
0:09:24 > 0:09:27It was the best birthday ever.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29- Now, Lauren L-field...- Yeah?
0:09:29 > 0:09:32..you often clear a room in minutes on The Dengineers, don't you?
0:09:32 > 0:09:35Yeah. We try to get it done quickly so we can crack on with the den.
0:09:35 > 0:09:39Well, I can do it in seconds, cocker.
0:09:39 > 0:09:41Prrfffft!
0:09:41 > 0:09:42Oh.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45Oh, that's wretched. Oh.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47I guess that's the end of the interview.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49Larry, cut to summat else.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51Aha, mateys!
0:09:51 > 0:09:53Looks like it's trouble on the high seas
0:09:53 > 0:09:58in The Adventures Of Admiral Lawnmower.
0:10:16 > 0:10:20Dear diary, this is the most difficult thing
0:10:20 > 0:10:22I've ever had to write.
0:10:25 > 0:10:30But today I received the worst news ever.
0:10:30 > 0:10:33HE SIGHS MOURNFULLY
0:10:33 > 0:10:35- HE WHISTLES CHEERFULLY Admiral!- Hmm?
0:10:35 > 0:10:37We've received this message from the lookout.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39HE GASPS
0:10:39 > 0:10:41Pilates at 3 o'clock?
0:10:41 > 0:10:43Oh, I better get my mat.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46No, it says "Pirates at 3 o'clock."
0:10:46 > 0:10:48Oh, no!
0:10:48 > 0:10:51That clashes with Pilates.
0:10:51 > 0:10:55No, the pirates are at 3 o'clock on the compass.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57They're heading straight for us!
0:10:57 > 0:10:59HE WHIMPERS
0:11:01 > 0:11:04Look, it's Short Jill Packnam and her bloodthirsty band of scallywags!
0:11:04 > 0:11:06- Arrr!- Arr!- Ooh-arrr!- Ooh-arr!
0:11:06 > 0:11:09Oh! They must be stopped!
0:11:09 > 0:11:12All hands on deck!
0:11:15 > 0:11:16Man the sails!
0:11:16 > 0:11:2050% off leggings while stocks last!
0:11:20 > 0:11:23And fire the canon!
0:11:23 > 0:11:25Canon, you're sacked.
0:11:25 > 0:11:29'But I've got a mortgage and six little cannonballs to feed.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31'Just look at their little faces.'
0:11:31 > 0:11:33Hoo-hoo!
0:11:34 > 0:11:38It's too late, Admiral! The pirates are on the stern side!
0:11:38 > 0:11:40- ALL:- Arrr!
0:11:40 > 0:11:44Oh, you're telling me! Ah!
0:11:44 > 0:11:46Right, you filthy bunch of bilge rats,
0:11:46 > 0:11:49- prepare for a good old flogging! - THEY ALL GASP
0:11:49 > 0:11:52Don't worry, cocker. Wilf's already doing that.
0:11:53 > 0:11:59Hi, guys. So, OMG. The pirates have boarded the ship.
0:11:59 > 0:12:03Anyway, leave your comments below and I'll try to get back to you.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05If I'm still alive!
0:12:06 > 0:12:09Not vlogging, flogging!
0:12:09 > 0:12:12Oh, Herman is doing plenty of that.
0:12:12 > 0:12:1790% off leggings while stocks last! Oh!
0:12:17 > 0:12:20Oh, I'm fed up of these tired old jokes.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23You, walk the plank.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26- HE GASPS - Very well.
0:12:26 > 0:12:29Come on, little plank. Heel, boy. Heel. Ha-ha!
0:12:29 > 0:12:32PLANK BARKS
0:12:32 > 0:12:35Please, Your Piracy Majesty, what do you want from us?
0:12:35 > 0:12:37Well, you stinking landlubber,
0:12:37 > 0:12:40we hear your admiral is in possession of the largest chest
0:12:40 > 0:12:42on the high seas.
0:12:42 > 0:12:43Oh, thanks very much.
0:12:43 > 0:12:47- It's down to all that Pilates. - HE STRAINS
0:12:47 > 0:12:48No.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50The largest treasure chest on the high seas,
0:12:50 > 0:12:53and we want to know where is.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55There's nothing you can do will make me tell.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58Nothing, I tells you! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing!
0:12:58 > 0:13:01- Discount pair of leggings?- Oh!
0:13:01 > 0:13:02Thanks. It's downstairs.
0:13:02 > 0:13:06# I love leggings, leggings, leggings, la-la-la-leggings. #
0:13:09 > 0:13:12Let's see what's inside.
0:13:12 > 0:13:17- CHOIR SINGS ANGELICALLY - I don't believe it!
0:13:17 > 0:13:21This 10,000 watt standard lamp is exactly what we came for.
0:13:21 > 0:13:25And we'll take that angelic choir too, if we may. Bye!
0:13:27 > 0:13:30All's well that ends well.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32I wouldn't speak too soon, Admiral.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35That pun has just done its business all over the poop deck.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37- HE PANTS - Prrrfffft!
0:13:37 > 0:13:39THUMPING
0:13:39 > 0:13:42Every time. Come on.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46Terrible behaviour.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49I would never turn up unannounced and take over.
0:13:49 > 0:13:51Isn't that what you did to that mug
0:13:51 > 0:13:53that had been left unwashed for too long, father?
0:13:53 > 0:13:55That's quite different, son.
0:13:55 > 0:13:58What about the pizza that was left under the bed?
0:13:58 > 0:13:59Completely different.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01Well, what about the...?
0:14:01 > 0:14:03Enough, son!
0:14:03 > 0:14:05You're watching Hacker Time,
0:14:05 > 0:14:08in association with Bins and Scissors Costumes -
0:14:08 > 0:14:10high-quality bins and/or scissor costumes
0:14:10 > 0:14:13for all your bins and scissor party needs.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15So, have you heard that Mark Wright is all tied up
0:14:15 > 0:14:18at the moment and can't present the next series of The Dengineers?
0:14:18 > 0:14:19Oh, yeah. Yes.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22- I had heard something about that. - HE LAUGHS
0:14:22 > 0:14:26Well, Herman, you're the man they're looking for.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29- Really?- Yes indeed.
0:14:29 > 0:14:31You've got the knowledge, you've got the skills
0:14:31 > 0:14:33and you've got the look.
0:14:33 > 0:14:36So, you mean the producers are looking for me
0:14:36 > 0:14:38to present the next series of The Dengineers?
0:14:38 > 0:14:42No. The police are looking for you.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45They know you tied Mark Wright up and you're trying to nick his job.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47- SIREN APPROACHES - Ah!
0:14:47 > 0:14:49- Hoo-hoo! - HE SLURPS
0:14:49 > 0:14:54Coming back to studio in three, two, one.
0:14:54 > 0:14:55And cue.
0:14:55 > 0:14:58Now, Lauren, there's something I wanted to get out of the way.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01- OK, go on.- That pot plant there. Will you move it for me?
0:15:01 > 0:15:04- It's doing my head in.- Yep, OK. Do you want it over there?
0:15:04 > 0:15:06I want it out of my sight. It's just in shot, isn't it?
0:15:06 > 0:15:09- Let me just grab it a second. - It's a big bulky yucca or summat.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12- Who put this here? Whoa. OK. - I think it might have been Wilfred.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15- Is that all right?- That's better, isn't it, out of the way?- Yeah.
0:15:15 > 0:15:17Now that's out of the way,
0:15:17 > 0:15:20- you have a very distinctive style, Lauren Layfield...- Thank you.
0:15:20 > 0:15:23..and I wanted to tell the viewers at home how to achieve your style
0:15:23 > 0:15:26via the medium of rock and roll!
0:15:27 > 0:15:29ROCK MUSIC PLAYS
0:15:37 > 0:15:40- HE RAPS:- # If you want to rock the Lauren Layfield look
0:15:40 > 0:15:42# You need style, panache and flair
0:15:42 > 0:15:45# You must highlight the tips but just the tips
0:15:45 > 0:15:47# Of your lovely, luscious hair
0:15:47 > 0:15:50# You need glasses twice the size of your head
0:15:50 > 0:15:52# Maybe thrice if you can bear
0:15:52 > 0:15:55# But the primary thing Listen up, please
0:15:55 > 0:15:57# There is one thing you'll need to wear...
0:15:57 > 0:16:00Can you guess where this is going, Lauren? Ha-ha!
0:16:00 > 0:16:05# Dungarees Pull on some dungarees
0:16:05 > 0:16:10# Dungarees Cut above or below the knees
0:16:10 > 0:16:11Everybody!
0:16:11 > 0:16:13- ALL:- # Dungarees
0:16:13 > 0:16:16# Pull on some dungarees, oh!
0:16:16 > 0:16:18# Dungarees
0:16:18 > 0:16:20# There's a pocket especially for your keys
0:16:20 > 0:16:21One more time!
0:16:21 > 0:16:23# Dungarees
0:16:23 > 0:16:26# Pull on some dungarees, oh!
0:16:26 > 0:16:29- # Dungarees- Huh!
0:16:29 > 0:16:31# Wear them till they stink of cheese
0:16:31 > 0:16:33# Yeah. #
0:16:33 > 0:16:37- Yay! Hey, what do you think of that, cocker?- Do you know what?
0:16:37 > 0:16:39I thought it was going to be rubbish, but that was superb.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41- Top-notch, weren't it? - BELL RINGS
0:16:41 > 0:16:45Oh! That's lunch. Hey, do you have any lunch money?
0:16:45 > 0:16:48Uh, yeah. One second. Here you go.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50Hey-hey! I'm rich!
0:16:50 > 0:16:53I'm rich beyond my wildest dreams!
0:16:53 > 0:16:54Come on.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59Oh, I hope they refilled the cruet.
0:16:59 > 0:17:00Herman! Got any money?
0:17:08 > 0:17:12Wilfred, business is so bad. What are we going to do?
0:17:12 > 0:17:16Well, I've got an idea to encourage return custom to the van.
0:17:16 > 0:17:18A loyalty card.
0:17:18 > 0:17:22Wilf, that's actually a great idea.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24I know, yeah.
0:17:24 > 0:17:26Some lunch, please.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29Ooh, would you like a loyalty card, sir or madam?
0:17:29 > 0:17:30What are the benefits?
0:17:30 > 0:17:33- Well, you get 25% off.- Oh!
0:17:33 > 0:17:35That sounds a good deal.
0:17:35 > 0:17:38Yeah. We'll take 25% of the flies off your meal.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40We wouldn't normally do that, would be?
0:17:40 > 0:17:42- Wilf!- Oh.
0:17:42 > 0:17:44Also, for each pound you spend, you get a point,
0:17:44 > 0:17:48so if your lunch is £5, you get five of these.
0:17:48 > 0:17:52One, two, three, four, five.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54Wilf...
0:17:54 > 0:17:55And you get rewards.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57What sort of rewards?
0:17:57 > 0:18:00£20 if you find my lost cat.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02- MEOWING - Wilf!
0:18:02 > 0:18:06And finally, you can also collect stamps on your loyalty card,
0:18:06 > 0:18:08and if you get enough, you get a free gift.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10Oh, what's the free gift?
0:18:10 > 0:18:12Another loyalty card.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14Oh, how many stamps do I need for that?
0:18:14 > 0:18:17- One million.- Oh, great.
0:18:17 > 0:18:22I'll only need another 999,999 if I buy some lunch now.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25Oh, actually, we've run out of loyalty cards.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28- RECORD SCRATCHES - Wilf!- Oh!
0:18:28 > 0:18:30I'll fire up the van.
0:18:30 > 0:18:33BELL RINGS
0:18:33 > 0:18:37And now we present a sketch poorly decorated with jokes.
0:18:37 > 0:18:41It's Hacker and Lauren in DI...Why?
0:18:44 > 0:18:47Now, did you get the brief.
0:18:47 > 0:18:48I sure did, cocker.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50- Look. A lovely pair of briefs there. - DRUM STING
0:18:50 > 0:18:54No, the brief for decorating my living room.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56Oh, yeah, yeah. I got that as well, yeah.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59Now, you need to follow every word of that, OK?
0:18:59 > 0:19:01Of course, cocker.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03I'll be back at the end of the sketch.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06- Good day.- Good day.- Oh!
0:19:07 > 0:19:10- All right, Hacker?- Hiya, cocker. Are you all right?- Hello.
0:19:10 > 0:19:12Nice of you to wear dungarees, for a change.
0:19:12 > 0:19:15Ha-ha-ha(!) Listen, what's the brief for decorating this room?
0:19:15 > 0:19:19No brief. She just said we could do whatever we want.
0:19:19 > 0:19:23Really? OK then. Well, how about we get some vinyl flooring down, eh?
0:19:23 > 0:19:25Oh, way ahead of you, cocker.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27Look, I've got loads of these things, right,
0:19:27 > 0:19:28and I stuck them all over the floor.
0:19:28 > 0:19:31Well, OK. Let's concentrate now. What about some wallpaper?
0:19:31 > 0:19:34- We need some wallpaper in here. - Look at this beauty. Two-ply.- No.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37Nice and absorbent, this. Two-ply wallpaper? Yes, please.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40No, because that's not wallpaper. That's loo roll, isn't it?
0:19:40 > 0:19:43- Oh, sorry.- Yeah, we need some paste. How about some paste?
0:19:43 > 0:19:46Got some paste. Never leave home without it, do I? Look, meat paste.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48We can nibble on that while waiting for things to dry.
0:19:48 > 0:19:51- Meaty produce paste.- No.- Paste. Meat paste.- No.- Meat.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53Not meat paste. We need wallpaper paste.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55GLASS SHATTERS Did you bring the rollers?
0:19:55 > 0:19:56- You know, the brushes?- Of course.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59You can curl your hair while we're drying stuff. I've brought a brush.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01- It's a roller, see? - No time for that.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04- What about filler? - We've got plenty of filler, cocker.
0:20:04 > 0:20:07- This whole sketch is filler. - No, no.- Have you not noticed?
0:20:07 > 0:20:09A handyman. Can you get me a handyman?
0:20:09 > 0:20:11- You rang? - Oh, brilliant. Got a handyman.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14Listen, can you help us out with this room?
0:20:14 > 0:20:17No, I'm sorry. I'm just here for the joke. Bye.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19This isn't good, is it?
0:20:19 > 0:20:21Listen, why don't we paint it like a nice eggshell,
0:20:21 > 0:20:22how about that?
0:20:22 > 0:20:24Good thinking, cocker.
0:20:24 > 0:20:27- I've got this fabulous fried breakfast here.- Oh, no.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29- There's a bit of eggshell in that. - No, no, no. No, no!
0:20:29 > 0:20:31Oh!
0:20:31 > 0:20:34Oh, Hacker, you're useless.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37- SHE GASPS - Oh, my. Look at this.
0:20:37 > 0:20:39You've done absolutely nothing
0:20:39 > 0:20:42apart from smear a fried breakfast on my wall.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45Oh, OK. Listen, listen. We're really sorry.
0:20:45 > 0:20:47We didn't really mean to do it...
0:20:47 > 0:20:51It's just exactly what I asked for in the brief.
0:20:51 > 0:20:52Why, thank you.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55Oh, you're welcome, Anne from Eccles.
0:20:55 > 0:20:59Hey, this decorating stuff is easy, isn't it?
0:21:00 > 0:21:02CROWD CHEERS
0:21:02 > 0:21:05Father, do you think this room needs a makeover?
0:21:05 > 0:21:08No, but this television show does.
0:21:08 > 0:21:13Now on Hacker Time, Luke has a not-so-secret admirer
0:21:13 > 0:21:17in today's Lost & Found... & Lost Again.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28- Uh, Leia...- Hmm? - ..I don't know how to say this,
0:21:28 > 0:21:32but I think you're a little obsessed with me.
0:21:32 > 0:21:34Whatever gives you that idea?
0:21:37 > 0:21:40# From the moment I awake
0:21:40 > 0:21:45# I think of you through lessons, lunch and break
0:21:45 > 0:21:51# I want you for my own so we can set up home
0:21:51 > 0:21:53# With a garden full of gnomes
0:21:53 > 0:21:56- Why?- I just think they'll really brighten up the patio area.
0:21:56 > 0:21:59# Please leave me in peace
0:21:59 > 0:22:01# I know your favourite colour is red
0:22:01 > 0:22:04# This behaviour has to cease
0:22:04 > 0:22:07# You wear a stoat onesie to bed
0:22:07 > 0:22:09# You send shivers down my spine
0:22:09 > 0:22:12# But I find you so divine
0:22:12 > 0:22:14Now can I get a photo and some of your earwax
0:22:14 > 0:22:16for my elaborate shrine?
0:22:16 > 0:22:17Argh!
0:22:17 > 0:22:20# You've got an ice-cold stare
0:22:20 > 0:22:24# You've got lovely, luscious hair
0:22:24 > 0:22:26# I'm moving elsewhere
0:22:26 > 0:22:29# But I've stuck you to this chair
0:22:29 > 0:22:35# And now we can live in hope and acceptance for the rest of our lives
0:22:35 > 0:22:38# Ooh! #
0:22:38 > 0:22:40Oh, we can be together forever,
0:22:40 > 0:22:43and nothing will ever come between us.
0:22:43 > 0:22:48- ICE CREAM VAN MUSIC PLAYS - Oh! Ice cream! I love ice cream!
0:22:48 > 0:22:50Can somebody help me, please?
0:22:50 > 0:22:53Any of you guys stood around the side?
0:22:56 > 0:22:59And now we come to the climax of the show,
0:22:59 > 0:23:02the quiz that we like to call...
0:23:02 > 0:23:05# Beam My Guest!
0:23:05 > 0:23:09# Beam My Guest!
0:23:09 > 0:23:12- ALL:- # Beam My Guest! #
0:23:12 > 0:23:16Beam! Yes! Beam My Guest.
0:23:16 > 0:23:17Now, Lauren Bruce Layfield,
0:23:17 > 0:23:20you are standing in my state-of-the-art teleporter
0:23:20 > 0:23:22which somehow exists,
0:23:22 > 0:23:24and I'm going to ask you a series of questions.
0:23:24 > 0:23:27Get enough answers right and you'll be beamed back home.
0:23:27 > 0:23:30Fail miserably, however, and you'll go somewhere horrific.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32How does that sound?
0:23:32 > 0:23:34Yeah, let's go for the home. Let's go for home.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36The time will end when you hear this racket.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38You rang?
0:23:38 > 0:23:40- Are you ready?- Yeah, ready.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42- Let's go.- In that case, start the clock.
0:23:42 > 0:23:46Complete the name of this channel. CBB...
0:23:46 > 0:23:48C.
0:23:48 > 0:23:50No, it's CBeebies. CBeebies.
0:23:50 > 0:23:53- Right. Oh, yeah. - What does DIY stand for?
0:23:53 > 0:23:55Do-it-yourself.
0:23:55 > 0:23:59Fine, I'll answer it for you. DIY stands for do-it-yourself.
0:23:59 > 0:24:01What vlogging show did you start your career on?
0:24:01 > 0:24:04I started on Whoops I Missed The Bus.
0:24:04 > 0:24:07Don't worry, love. The next one arrives in 12 minutes.
0:24:07 > 0:24:08- This tat will be over by then.- OK.
0:24:08 > 0:24:12You were All Over The Place, so name a place.
0:24:12 > 0:24:15- Germany.- No, it's Albert.
0:24:15 > 0:24:18Albert the plaice there from earlier.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20- Now it's time for the music round. - OK.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23Here's a lovely man, my chum.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25I bake cakes with him on a Wednesday.
0:24:25 > 0:24:27It's Accordion George.
0:24:27 > 0:24:31# It's Accordion George Peer at him!
0:24:31 > 0:24:33# It's Accordion George Look at him!
0:24:33 > 0:24:35# It's Accordion George
0:24:35 > 0:24:36# Wave at George. #
0:24:36 > 0:24:39- The Big G. Give him a wave. Give us a wave, Acky.- Hey, Acky.
0:24:39 > 0:24:42Now, Lauren Alan Layfield, as a little treat for you,
0:24:42 > 0:24:46The Big G is going to play a lovely son on his nice, crisp acc
0:24:46 > 0:24:50and you must guess what tune he's playing.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53- OK.- Take it away, The Big G.
0:24:53 > 0:24:57HE PLAYS TUNE
0:25:01 > 0:25:03Oh, this is hard.
0:25:05 > 0:25:07Well, you've got little to no chance of guessing this,
0:25:07 > 0:25:09because that was atrocious.
0:25:09 > 0:25:13But, cocker, what was The Big G playing on his whatsits?
0:25:13 > 0:25:15Uh, was it Little Mix?
0:25:15 > 0:25:16Let's see if you're right.
0:25:16 > 0:25:18# I know that I let you down
0:25:18 > 0:25:20# Is it too late now to say sorry?
0:25:21 > 0:25:23- It was Justin Bieber with Sorry. - # Sorry
0:25:27 > 0:25:30# Sorry... #
0:25:30 > 0:25:32Yeah, Acky G, what were you thinking of?
0:25:32 > 0:25:33Can you actually play that?
0:25:33 > 0:25:37Take him away. Acky G, everyone. Give us a wave, Ack.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39All right, keep hold of your acc.
0:25:39 > 0:25:42Don't want you to damage it or puncture it on the way out.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44Acky G there, folks.
0:25:44 > 0:25:46Now, complete the following show name.
0:25:46 > 0:25:48- 4 O'Clock...- 4 O'Clock Club.
0:25:48 > 0:25:51No, it's 4 O'Clock is The Next Step, followed by Newsround.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53You should know that.
0:25:53 > 0:25:55- You present the links between shows. - I do those bits, yeah.
0:25:55 > 0:25:58- Got that wrong.- How about this one? - Go on.- Danger...
0:25:58 > 0:26:00- Mouse.- Where?!
0:26:00 > 0:26:03- The Dog Ate My...- Homework.
0:26:03 > 0:26:06- No. I ate your sandwich. I'm sorry.- Aw!
0:26:06 > 0:26:07You rang?
0:26:07 > 0:26:10Oh, time's up. How did she score, Lorraine?
0:26:10 > 0:26:14BLENDER BUZZES LOUDLY
0:26:14 > 0:26:17Wow. That's our highest score yet.
0:26:17 > 0:26:20- That means you're going home, cocker.- Yes!
0:26:20 > 0:26:25Time to beam my guest. Oh, Herman? Make sure you pull the right lever.
0:26:25 > 0:26:29- I will, Mr Hacker. I will. - HE LAUGHS
0:26:31 > 0:26:34Wait, wait, wait. You've pulled the wrong lever!
0:26:34 > 0:26:36You've pulled the wrong lever!
0:26:36 > 0:26:40Oh, I don't know where she's gone, but I'm sure she'll be fine.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44Oh! Whoa!
0:26:44 > 0:26:45That's it for today.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48I'm off to judge a marrow beauty contest
0:26:48 > 0:26:49at the local village hall.
0:26:49 > 0:26:53But first, my horrific end song. Join in, cockers!
0:26:58 > 0:27:00# That is it for now, the end of the show
0:27:00 > 0:27:03# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go
0:27:03 > 0:27:05# I'll see you next time on this show of mine
0:27:05 > 0:27:07# Put it in your diary - it's called Hacker Time
0:27:07 > 0:27:10# It's been amazing, there's been joy, fun and laughter
0:27:10 > 0:27:12# This could be the year we win our first BAFTA
0:27:12 > 0:27:14# Join again next time cos we've got much more
0:27:14 > 0:27:16# There'll be tonnes of other funny stuff
0:27:16 > 0:27:17# It will be top drawer
0:27:17 > 0:27:22# Lauren Layfield popped along to talk about The Dengineers
0:27:22 > 0:27:24# She was introduced to a couple of fish
0:27:24 > 0:27:27# And I made fun of her dungarees, which luckily didn't end in tears
0:27:27 > 0:27:29# That is it for now, the end of the show
0:27:29 > 0:27:31# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go
0:27:31 > 0:27:34# I'll see you next time on this show of mine
0:27:34 > 0:27:36# Put it in your diary - it's called Hacker Time
0:27:36 > 0:27:38# Put it in your diary - it's called Hacker Time
0:27:38 > 0:27:41# That is the end of today's Hacker Time. #
0:27:42 > 0:27:44I'm just here for the joke.