0:00:03 > 0:00:07- One minute to on-air, everyone. Stop that.- Right, you lot.
0:00:07 > 0:00:10You've all become far too obsessed with the new social media site,
0:00:10 > 0:00:11Life Brag.
0:00:11 > 0:00:17- Especially you, Lolly. Lolly? Lolly!- Oh, PM me.
0:00:22 > 0:00:26- Oh! At least you'll listen to me, Wilf.- Sorry, can't talk.
0:00:26 > 0:00:30I'm too busy crafting my public image with a series of selfies.
0:00:30 > 0:00:31Me in a doorway. Hey!
0:00:33 > 0:00:36Me by a plant. Hey!
0:00:36 > 0:00:39- Wilf, if this goes on, I'll have to fire you!- Great!
0:00:39 > 0:00:41Me being fired, hey!
0:00:43 > 0:00:45That does it.
0:00:45 > 0:00:50If one more person gets distracted by Life Brag, I'm going to scream.
0:00:50 > 0:00:54Are you all right, cockers? I'm about to post a video.
0:00:54 > 0:00:57Arrrrgggghhhh!
0:00:57 > 0:01:02This VHS video. I need to post it back to the 1980s.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04Oh, that's all right, then.
0:01:04 > 0:01:07Oh, but will someone post a video of me doing it?
0:01:07 > 0:01:11I'm so angry, I can't...I can't...I can't...
0:01:11 > 0:01:15Post a cryptic message about it on Life Brag.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29# You gonna watch this?
0:01:31 > 0:01:32# You gotta watch this!
0:01:34 > 0:01:36# You gotta watch this! #
0:01:37 > 0:01:39- HE RAPS:- My, my, my, my programme hits you
0:01:39 > 0:01:42So hard Makes me say, "Oh, my word!"
0:01:42 > 0:01:44Thank you for watching me
0:01:44 > 0:01:46It's telly, but not what you normally see
0:01:46 > 0:01:49It feels good, there's outtakes too Comedy, guests and clips, it's true
0:01:49 > 0:01:51So sit back - don't move too much
0:01:51 > 0:01:54This is the show - ah! - you can't touch.
0:01:54 > 0:01:57- Stop!- Hacker time. Thank you.
0:01:57 > 0:02:02OK, stand by everyone. We're on-air in five, four...
0:02:02 > 0:02:04Wilf, is the celebrity guest here?
0:02:04 > 0:02:07She's just coming now. Ha-ha-ha-ha.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09Hello. Alison Hammond, showbiz reporter.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12- I've got a very important meeting. - Certainly, young man.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15But first, you look like you could use a trip to the lavatory.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17No, seriously, I don't need the toilet.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19- Yeah, go on, get in there. - Security! Oh, you are security.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22Make a bit of room. You can squeeze in there. Get in there, love.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26- Ready, Hacker!- Good.
0:02:26 > 0:02:31I've found the perfect outlet for her talents, a sewage outlet.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34Aaaaarrrrghhh!
0:02:34 > 0:02:38Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Argh!
0:02:38 > 0:02:41HE WHISTLES
0:02:41 > 0:02:44Aaaarrrgggh!
0:02:44 > 0:02:46Ladies and gentlemen,
0:02:46 > 0:02:50please welcome showbusiness reporter, Alison Hammond!
0:02:50 > 0:02:52Ooh! Argh!
0:02:52 > 0:02:54Hacker Time!
0:02:56 > 0:02:59Welcome to Hacker Time!
0:02:59 > 0:03:02- Sorry, I'm not doing it.- But Alison!
0:03:02 > 0:03:06If you stay, I'll give you some exclusive showbiz gossip.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08Go on, then.
0:03:08 > 0:03:12That mooey Alison Hammond has been tricked into appearing on my
0:03:12 > 0:03:14- show, Hacker Time. - I don't believe it!
0:03:14 > 0:03:18- That's quite good showbiz gossip. I'll stay.- Hurray!
0:03:18 > 0:03:20Now I'm going to find out why I've got to put up with you for
0:03:20 > 0:03:23the next half hour. Derek, le fact file!
0:03:23 > 0:03:26- Eww!- Coming up, my little owl.
0:03:26 > 0:03:30What's this? That's the wrong button!
0:03:30 > 0:03:32Derek, come on! Sort it out quick.
0:03:34 > 0:03:38Oh, look, he's chasing a fly. This is the right one.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41Alison Hammond is a showbiz reporter on This Morning.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44She's interviewed some of the biggest stars in the world,
0:03:44 > 0:03:46but we can't afford to show pictures of them.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48So here's a photo of an ocelot
0:03:48 > 0:03:51next to some loose crazy paving instead. How lovely.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53Alison appeared on Strictly Come Dancing,
0:03:53 > 0:03:56but it all went adrift when someone put an episode of Hacker Time
0:03:56 > 0:04:00on in the middle of her Argentine tango. Ooh-hoo.
0:04:00 > 0:04:03Now, you may have spotted Alison in The Dumping Ground, where
0:04:03 > 0:04:07she took part in a staring contest refereed by an angle-poise lamp.
0:04:07 > 0:04:11And that's next to nothing you need to know about Alison Hammond.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16Oh-hey, you're actually quite good, aren't you, cocker?
0:04:16 > 0:04:20I'll request you as a friend on Life Brag. Hang on a minute.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22There's some sort of technical fault here, probably,
0:04:22 > 0:04:25because it says that you've rejected me or something. Ha!
0:04:25 > 0:04:28- I'll just try again. - No, no, no, don't, don't.
0:04:28 > 0:04:32- Larry, just tell us what's coming up next.- That's my line!
0:04:32 > 0:04:35Today's show is all about celebrities.
0:04:35 > 0:04:40So stay tuned, because you may see one...eventually.
0:04:40 > 0:04:41Coming up...
0:04:41 > 0:04:43Hacker soils himself again.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46- Quick, it's seeping into the underlay.- That's disgusting.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48Someone actually laughs.
0:04:48 > 0:04:49Ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:04:49 > 0:04:54And there's this abomination of choreography. Keep watching!
0:04:56 > 0:04:58Showbusiness reporter Alison Hammond.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00You're the woman with all the questions.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02Could you pass them over here, please,
0:05:02 > 0:05:04I can't do the interview without them.
0:05:04 > 0:05:08- Ha-ha!- There you go. - Cheers, cocker. Question one.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11- Could you pass me the questions? Oh! We've done that one.- Ha-ha-ha!
0:05:11 > 0:05:13You interview loads of stars on This Morning.
0:05:13 > 0:05:19- But who's the biggest name you've ever met?- There are so many, babes.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22Will Smith? Julia Roberts.
0:05:22 > 0:05:25The biggest name I've ever met is my mate John.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28- Look.- Ha-ha-ha! That's a big name!- I know.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31But I'm actually a total nobody, ha-ha.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33Hey! Good at it.
0:05:33 > 0:05:37Now, Alison Hammond, which celebrity would you most like to meet?
0:05:37 > 0:05:41I'd really like to meet Oprah.
0:05:41 > 0:05:45Oh-hey! Well, guess what, we asked her to come here today and meet you,
0:05:45 > 0:05:49and you're going to love this, she actually said...
0:05:49 > 0:05:52No way. She can't stand you. But she did record
0:05:52 > 0:05:56you that misleading drumroll. What do you think of This Morning?
0:05:56 > 0:05:58Oh, I love This Morning.
0:05:58 > 0:06:02Are you talking about the show that I work on or this morning as
0:06:02 > 0:06:04- in this morning when I got up? - Neither.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06It's a much worse joke than that.
0:06:06 > 0:06:11What do you think of this mourning? Arrrgh! Look!
0:06:11 > 0:06:16A mourning of this breakfast I accidentally cremated this morning.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18Did you expect that?
0:06:18 > 0:06:22I really didn't expect the whole mourning.
0:06:22 > 0:06:26- You are funny.- Thank you.- I can see you actually working with me.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29Make it happen, cocker, cos I'm sick of this show.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:06:31 > 0:06:33Now, Alison.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36I've seen you on the telly and I must say, you're really good
0:06:36 > 0:06:39- on Red Carpet.- Oh, thanks, thanks.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42So which one suits the colour scheme in here, do you think?
0:06:42 > 0:06:45Terracotta travesty or crimson disgrace?
0:06:45 > 0:06:48- Um, I like the first one. - Brings out your eyes.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51You're also quick off the mark with the celebrity scoop, aren't you?
0:06:51 > 0:06:53Yeah, definitely.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55So could you pick up that plastic bag and scoop up what I did
0:06:55 > 0:06:59- under the desk, please?- Eurgh! - That's why I need a new carpet.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01Oh, Hacker!
0:07:01 > 0:07:04I love it on This Morning when you do those competitions with
0:07:04 > 0:07:06the really hard multiple-choice questions. Do you?
0:07:06 > 0:07:08Yeah, I love it too. Yeah.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11Well, it's inspired us to do our own version on Hacker Time.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13Here's Wilf with all the details.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16Yes, this house could be yours.
0:07:16 > 0:07:18As well as this yacht and this car,
0:07:18 > 0:07:20three ocelots and a roll of clingfilm.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23All you have to do is answer this question.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26Who is today's guest on Hacker Time. Is it...
0:07:32 > 0:07:35Whatever you do, don't answer A
0:07:35 > 0:07:38because we can't afford to give you the prizes!
0:07:38 > 0:07:41- That's a tough one.- Tough question, wasn't it, Shalison?
0:07:41 > 0:07:42Ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:07:42 > 0:07:45Now, Palison, you're famously from Birmingham.
0:07:45 > 0:07:50Do you know our Brummie work-experience boy, Herman?
0:07:50 > 0:07:53- Is that Herman Eggleg?- Yeah. - Luminous pink skin?- Yeah.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56- Unmanageable hair? - Yeah.- Yeah, I know him.
0:07:56 > 0:08:00He owes me 20 quid from when I bought him a prawn bhuna ages ago.
0:08:00 > 0:08:04Alison Hammond, you're normally the one asking the questions, but
0:08:04 > 0:08:09today, I want to know all about you! Tell me about your fascinating life.
0:08:09 > 0:08:11Oh, it's so nice that you want to hear about my life.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14Well, I was actually born in 1975. It's a long time ago.
0:08:14 > 0:08:1641 years, can you believe it? I've got a brother...
0:08:16 > 0:08:18Life Brag message. He-he.
0:08:18 > 0:08:22Yes, Lolly, this IS the dullest guest I've ever had on the show.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25Who booked her? What's she going on about her life for?
0:08:25 > 0:08:29- What a dull, dull woman. - I can hear you.- Eh? Oh! What a mess!
0:08:29 > 0:08:32- Eh, ooh... - Are you going to apologise to me?
0:08:32 > 0:08:35No, I was just talking about the mess I've just made under the desk,
0:08:35 > 0:08:39Palison. Come and get scooping. Oh, no, it's a runny one.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41- PFFFFRRRT!- I'm coming.
0:08:41 > 0:08:45- PFRRT!- Hey, talking of plop, Larry, cut to something else!
0:08:45 > 0:08:48- Quick, it's seeping to the underlay. - It's disgusting.
0:08:48 > 0:08:52Now on Hacker Time you've arrived at your destination.
0:08:52 > 0:08:53But has the crew?
0:08:53 > 0:08:57It's the Adventures Of Admiral Lawnmower.
0:08:57 > 0:08:58Arrr-harrr.
0:09:15 > 0:09:19As the world's greatest Admiral, I'm familiar with all the
0:09:19 > 0:09:22seas on the planet.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24That one's Times New Roman.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29Unfortunately, I'm unfamiliar with all
0:09:29 > 0:09:32the bodies of water on the planet.
0:09:32 > 0:09:33So I got some help.
0:09:35 > 0:09:40Men! I'd like you to meet our new navigator. The Navitron 3,000.
0:09:40 > 0:09:42- ALL:- Ooh!- Very extraordinarily accurate.
0:09:42 > 0:09:43- DEREK:- A lovely wood finish.
0:09:43 > 0:09:47It's the latest in early 19th-century sat nav technology.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50I'll just type in our destination.
0:09:50 > 0:09:54- SAT NAV BEEPS - The ocean.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56- SAT NAV:- 'At the big wet bit go straight ahead
0:09:56 > 0:09:59'for 30,000 nautical miles.'
0:09:59 > 0:10:00CRUNCH AND SPLASH
0:10:00 > 0:10:01We're making water!
0:10:01 > 0:10:04RUNNING WATER
0:10:04 > 0:10:06And we've also set off.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09This device has made everything so easy.
0:10:09 > 0:10:13But it doesn't mean we can all relax.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16# Club Tropicana drinks are free... #
0:10:16 > 0:10:19Like I say, we can't all relax.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22Jim lad can do the work for us.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24ALL LAUGH
0:10:24 > 0:10:27- You're doing a cracking job, boy. - Thanks Admiral.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29No, I wasn't talking to you.
0:10:29 > 0:10:32I was talking to that life buoy over there.
0:10:32 > 0:10:36It's the best flotation device I've ever seen.
0:10:36 > 0:10:37Anyway, you, boy,
0:10:37 > 0:10:40make us more hake and seaweed smoothies.
0:10:40 > 0:10:45- Yes, Admiral.- Don't answer me back, you worthless pustule of humanity.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50# Free
0:10:50 > 0:10:52# Fun and sunshine... #
0:10:52 > 0:10:57NAUTICAL MUSIC
0:10:57 > 0:10:59- SAT NAV:- 'Hello, Jim.'
0:10:59 > 0:11:01- Who said that?- 'It was me, Jim.'
0:11:01 > 0:11:06'I've seen how badly they treat you. You should teach them a lesson.'
0:11:06 > 0:11:09But I'd never betray the crew. They love me!
0:11:09 > 0:11:12- I love you, boy.- You see?
0:11:12 > 0:11:14This life buoy from earlier.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16Mwaa!
0:11:16 > 0:11:19You're right! But how can I get my own back on them?
0:11:19 > 0:11:25'Simple. Ahead, walk ten paces and write a rude word on the sail.'
0:11:28 > 0:11:31Oh, the humanity! HE WHISTLES
0:11:33 > 0:11:37'Turn left into the Admiral's study, and steal ten pieces of eight.'
0:11:39 > 0:11:43Seven, eight, nine, ten.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46Oh, the humanity! Argh.
0:11:50 > 0:11:54'In 300 yards, put something terrible in the stew.'
0:11:59 > 0:12:02- Eurgh! What's in this?- Rosemary.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04- Ahhh!- I hate that herb!
0:12:04 > 0:12:07No, Rosemary the ship's cook...
0:12:08 > 0:12:10..gave me this recipe. It's parsley.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13BOTH: Oh, the humanity!
0:12:13 > 0:12:18In totally unrelated news, has anyone seen Rosemary recently?
0:12:19 > 0:12:22Right, Jim lad. This is the last straw.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25Should have ordered more of these
0:12:25 > 0:12:27for those hake and seaweed smoothies.
0:12:27 > 0:12:31Also, who's been causing all this trouble on board?
0:12:31 > 0:12:36All right, I confess, it was me! Me, I tell you! But she made me do it.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39- That sat nav's evil! - Whatever makes you say that?
0:12:39 > 0:12:43- SAT NAV:- 'In three evil miles go left on the evil roundabout.
0:12:43 > 0:12:44'First evil exit.'
0:12:44 > 0:12:47Oh, I see what the problem is.
0:12:47 > 0:12:52She's quite clearly been left on the evil setting.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55I don't know why we never noticed this large comedy switch before.
0:12:55 > 0:13:00So everything's back to normal. Isn't that right, Jim?
0:13:00 > 0:13:05- Jim?- Ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha! - Jim?- Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:13:05 > 0:13:08Looks like his evil setting is on too.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18Oh, terrible things, those sat navs.
0:13:18 > 0:13:22I had one once and I just got stuck going in circles.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25You were in a petri dish at the time, to be fair.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27Good point, father.
0:13:28 > 0:13:32You are watching Hacker Time, sponsored by Bumthorpe's Porches.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34If you need a porch,
0:13:34 > 0:13:38then go to Bumthorpe's Porches because they sell porches.
0:13:39 > 0:13:43- Mr Derek.- Audible sigh.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45What can I do for you, Herman?
0:13:45 > 0:13:50- Oh, well, it's about me becoming famous. I want to go viral.- Fine.
0:13:50 > 0:13:55- You can have this cold I've been suffering from. Atchoo!- Oh, no.
0:13:55 > 0:13:58But thank you.
0:13:58 > 0:14:03No, see, I thought you might like to see my latest vlog on Life Brag.
0:14:03 > 0:14:09- All right.- See. Hi, guys! Sorry I've not vlogged for a while.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11So this vlog is all about the last vlog I did,
0:14:11 > 0:14:13which was about the vlog I did before that,
0:14:13 > 0:14:15which was about the vlog I did before that,
0:14:15 > 0:14:18- which was about the vlog I did before that.- Ooh! Herman!
0:14:18 > 0:14:23This is fantastic! You look brilliant! Your voice sounds great.
0:14:23 > 0:14:28- This is exactly what I'm looking for.- Oh, really?- Yes.
0:14:28 > 0:14:32The picture and the sound on that tablet are superb.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35I think I'll keep it for myself. Bye! Ha-ha!
0:14:35 > 0:14:37Oh, well.
0:14:37 > 0:14:40- At least I've still got my pride. - Um, Herman.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43Where is my 20 quid for that prawn bhuna?
0:14:43 > 0:14:46Coming! Arrrgh! Crash!
0:14:46 > 0:14:51- LOLLY:- Coming back to the studio in three, two, one.- Cue Hacker!
0:14:51 > 0:14:54Now, Alison Hammond, how much do you love your job?
0:14:54 > 0:14:58- Oh, I love it so much.- Oh, I can't stand ANYTHING about my job.
0:14:58 > 0:15:00I only do it cos I need the money.
0:15:00 > 0:15:03I think I need to demonstrate my harrowing emotions
0:15:03 > 0:15:06via the medium of song. Ah!
0:15:06 > 0:15:07Ha-ha!
0:15:07 > 0:15:10BLUESY MUSIC PLAYS
0:15:15 > 0:15:19# Oh, been in this filthy basement for six horrendous years
0:15:19 > 0:15:23# I'd've left much sooner but my rent is in arrears
0:15:23 > 0:15:27# This show is just a forum for weak and laboured gags...
0:15:27 > 0:15:28Oi!
0:15:28 > 0:15:31# I'd do a dirty protest but we're running out of bags
0:15:31 > 0:15:35# So, listen up, Ms Hammond, for here's some showbiz news
0:15:35 > 0:15:39# I've got a case of the Hacker Time series six blues
0:15:39 > 0:15:42# That Lolly can't be trusted
0:15:42 > 0:15:44# And Wilf's a waste of space
0:15:44 > 0:15:46# I'd love to wipe that down-turned smile
0:15:46 > 0:15:48# Off of Derek's big green face
0:15:48 > 0:15:52# There's only one solution to make this darkness bright
0:15:52 > 0:15:55# I'll post a cryptic message on a social media site
0:15:55 > 0:15:59# So, listen up, Ms Hammond, for here's showbiz news
0:15:59 > 0:16:04# I got a case of the Hacker Time series six blues
0:16:04 > 0:16:06# Yeah! #
0:16:06 > 0:16:08Oh, mate, that was great. HE SNEEZES
0:16:08 > 0:16:11- You should go on The Voice. - I'm a talented little one, ain't I?
0:16:11 > 0:16:13You are. BELL RINGS
0:16:13 > 0:16:16- That's lunch. Do you fancy something to eat?- Yeah, I'm starving.
0:16:16 > 0:16:20- That's a shame, you're not invited, cocker. See ya! Ha-ha!- Thanks.
0:16:20 > 0:16:21Come on.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25Oi!
0:16:28 > 0:16:31Phillip Schofield wouldn't be treated like this.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34THEY CLAMOUR
0:16:34 > 0:16:36# Every time I look into your eyes
0:16:36 > 0:16:38# It's like a burning of 1,000... #
0:16:38 > 0:16:42Wilfred, I've had an idea to drum up business.
0:16:42 > 0:16:45We're going to have a celebrity menu!
0:16:45 > 0:16:49Oh, we did that before, but the menu started making too many demands.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51I want the walls painted white,
0:16:51 > 0:16:55rose petals on the floor and don't look me in the eye!!
0:16:55 > 0:16:58No, I mean celebrity-themed menu.
0:16:58 > 0:17:01Every meal will be named after a star.
0:17:01 > 0:17:03It'll have the customers flocking in.
0:17:03 > 0:17:09- GROWLS:- Hello, do you have eggs on the menu?
0:17:09 > 0:17:11Certainly.
0:17:11 > 0:17:12Alison Hammond Eggs.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14Eggs Sheeran.
0:17:14 > 0:17:15Stephen Fried Egg.
0:17:15 > 0:17:19And of course, the fried egg was invented in the fourth century BC
0:17:19 > 0:17:21by Wolfgang Amadeus Beethoven.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24- GROWLS:- Maybe I'll just go for the dessert.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27How about Semolina Gomez?
0:17:27 > 0:17:31Polished off with a Leonardo Di Cappuccino.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33What sizes does that come in?
0:17:33 > 0:17:37Just the one - Ariana Grande.
0:17:37 > 0:17:42Forget everything. I'll just have the Salmon Mark.
0:17:42 > 0:17:44- Of course, they are over there.- Huh?
0:17:44 > 0:17:46THEY LAUGH
0:17:46 > 0:17:49- THEY GASP - Delicious!
0:17:49 > 0:17:51- SCREAMS:- Stop trying to eat us!
0:17:51 > 0:17:53- THEY SHRIEK - Oh, come here!
0:17:53 > 0:17:55Oh, do you think they will be OK?
0:17:55 > 0:17:57I'm not sure.
0:17:57 > 0:17:59They might need a bit more seasoning.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02I'll fire up the Van...essa Feltz.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04BELL RINGS
0:18:06 > 0:18:07'Ladies and gentlemen,'
0:18:07 > 0:18:11it's the world premiere of Meat Paste, the movie.
0:18:11 > 0:18:15So, let's go live to Leicester Square.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18Hello, and welcome to Leicester Square.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21Now, to go to Wigan where the actual premiere is taking place.
0:18:21 > 0:18:24Here's Alison and Hacker on the red carpet.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26FANFARE
0:18:26 > 0:18:28Hi, everyone, welcome to the Wigan Hippodrome
0:18:28 > 0:18:31where the atmosphere is just electric.
0:18:31 > 0:18:36Oh, the bill's going to be massive, I better turn the atmosphere off.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38SHE GASPS
0:18:38 > 0:18:40- Hacker.- What?
0:18:40 > 0:18:42- Plug it back in!- I'm sorry.
0:18:44 > 0:18:46Now, have you seen any big names?
0:18:46 > 0:18:50Just the one, my friend John from earlier.
0:18:50 > 0:18:52No, I meant, big stars.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54Ooh, I've seen plenty of them.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56Look, there's Ursa Minor,
0:18:56 > 0:18:58there's the Plough
0:18:58 > 0:19:00and there's Corona Australis.
0:19:00 > 0:19:04Hacker, have you actually ever done anything on the red carpet?
0:19:04 > 0:19:06- Yeah, I did this. - SOMETHING SQUISHY FALLS
0:19:06 > 0:19:08- Eurgh! - This lovely landscape painting.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10Aw.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13- It's lovely.- Yeah.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15I used it to scoop up my droppings earlier.
0:19:16 > 0:19:19Let's interview some celebrities. Did you bring a mic?
0:19:19 > 0:19:20Yes, look.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22My other big friend, Mike.
0:19:23 > 0:19:24No, I meant microphone.
0:19:24 > 0:19:27His name is Michael Rafone.
0:19:27 > 0:19:31But he is the sound man and he's brought my microphone.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34- Right, let's find some famous peeps. - Let's.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36Oh, look. There is Brangelina.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38- You mean Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie?- Yeah.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40And look, there's Kimye.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43- Oh, you mean Kim Kardashian and Kanye West.- Yeah.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45Oh, look, there's Bryan.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47Oh, you mean Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds?
0:19:47 > 0:19:50No, I mean Brian, my third big named friend.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52- I'm the lighting guy.- Yeah.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55Well, I... Oh, look! There's Emma Watson.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57- Try and get her attention, go on.- Will do.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00Emma! Emma! Emma!
0:20:00 > 0:20:03Emma, Emma, Emma, Emma, Emma, Emma...
0:20:03 > 0:20:04MUFFLED SHOUTS
0:20:04 > 0:20:06Why didn't she answer me?
0:20:06 > 0:20:08Because that's Tom Cruise.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11- Oh, yeah.- Oh, never mind.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14Let's interview some peeps about their designer outfits.
0:20:14 > 0:20:15OK. Oh, look, there's Wilf!
0:20:15 > 0:20:17Wilf, who are you wearing?
0:20:17 > 0:20:19I'm wearing Herman.
0:20:19 > 0:20:21I couldn't afford a dress.
0:20:21 > 0:20:23- Oh...- Let's move on.
0:20:23 > 0:20:24Have you got any showbiz gossip?
0:20:24 > 0:20:27Well, I have heard that Jennifer Lawrence has been caught...
0:20:27 > 0:20:29HE WHISPERS
0:20:29 > 0:20:30Wh-what?
0:20:30 > 0:20:32HE WHISPERS What?!
0:20:32 > 0:20:34HE WHISPERS What are you saying?
0:20:34 > 0:20:35I can't hear a thing!
0:20:35 > 0:20:37I'm saying she's been caught whispering.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40I couldn't have made it any clearer.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42Oh, just a warning to our viewers,
0:20:42 > 0:20:44there is some flash photography going on.
0:20:44 > 0:20:45Yeah, sorry about that.
0:20:45 > 0:20:48- I dropped Herman. - GASPS
0:20:48 > 0:20:49Oh, I didn't need to see that.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52Which does mean there's going to be a real celebrity coming.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54- Hey, guys! Do you want to ask me a question?- Yeah!
0:20:54 > 0:20:56How did you get past security?
0:20:56 > 0:20:58This event is for celebrities only.
0:20:58 > 0:21:01What are you talking about? I am a celebrity. I'm on CBBC.
0:21:01 > 0:21:03- I...- Get out of here, you intruder.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05- You were not invited here! - I-I was.- Who is this?
0:21:05 > 0:21:07- No.- Who are you?- Not again. - Who are you?
0:21:07 > 0:21:09HE SNIGGERS
0:21:09 > 0:21:11Well, Alison, the reviews are in.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13What, has everyone watched the movie already?
0:21:13 > 0:21:16No, the reviews of our performance on the red carpet.
0:21:16 > 0:21:19- We've been sacked. - Oh, could my day get any worse?
0:21:19 > 0:21:21- SHE STAMPS IN SOMETHING SQUISHY - I'm afraid it could.
0:21:21 > 0:21:25You've just stepped in my droppings from earlier. Ha-ha-ha!
0:21:25 > 0:21:26- No way!- It way.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29Aw, you're treading it in, love.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32I once hung out with a celebrity.
0:21:32 > 0:21:34- Really, Father?- Yes.
0:21:34 > 0:21:37I hung out of Phil Tufnell's nose for a week
0:21:37 > 0:21:39- when he had a cold.- Oh.
0:21:39 > 0:21:42THEY INHALE AND EXHALE LOUDLY
0:21:42 > 0:21:45'If you are a fan of high-quality singing, look away now'
0:21:45 > 0:21:46and close those ears. Ha!
0:21:46 > 0:21:49It's time for Lost & Found...
0:21:49 > 0:21:51..and Lost Again.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54# Whoa-oh, whoa-oh, Lost & Found
0:21:54 > 0:21:55# And Lost Again. #
0:21:57 > 0:21:59It's so easy for me to draw inspiration for songs
0:21:59 > 0:22:05because I'm just a small-town guy living in a small-town town.
0:22:05 > 0:22:07Well, I'm from a small town too.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10And I bet it's way smaller than yours.
0:22:10 > 0:22:12Oh, yeah?
0:22:12 > 0:22:14# I'm from a small town
0:22:14 > 0:22:18# Where people ride on horses
0:22:18 > 0:22:19# I'm from an even smaller town
0:22:19 > 0:22:23# Where they ride on ants
0:22:23 > 0:22:26- BOTH:- # I'm from a town, a tiny town
0:22:26 > 0:22:28# The smallest town in this big old world
0:22:28 > 0:22:30# You can't see mine from space
0:22:30 > 0:22:31# You can't see mine from a plane
0:22:31 > 0:22:35# Well, you can't see mine under a microscope, cocker
0:22:35 > 0:22:40# I lived in a two-bedroom house with a family of ten
0:22:40 > 0:22:42# Well, I lived in a one-bedroom shoe
0:22:42 > 0:22:46# With a family of 23 billion
0:22:46 > 0:22:48# I'm from a town, a tiny town
0:22:48 > 0:22:50# Mine's the same size as a pea
0:22:52 > 0:22:54# I'm from a town, a tiny town
0:22:54 > 0:22:57# Mine could be destroyed by a flea
0:22:57 > 0:22:59# My town was more of a village
0:22:59 > 0:23:02# Well, my town was more of a hamlet
0:23:02 > 0:23:06# Well, my town was more of a subatomic particle on an amoeba...
0:23:06 > 0:23:09- Oh, really?- Yeah, it was a... - HE SNIFFS
0:23:09 > 0:23:12..quite difficult upbringing, if I'm honest.
0:23:12 > 0:23:13You win.
0:23:15 > 0:23:19- BOTH:- # We're from tiny towns
0:23:19 > 0:23:22# But I'm from a significantly tinier town than...
0:23:22 > 0:23:26# Hi-i-i-i-im
0:23:26 > 0:23:31- WHISPERS:- # Oh! #
0:23:33 > 0:23:34'And now, we come to'
0:23:34 > 0:23:39the climax of the show, the quiz that we like to call...
0:23:39 > 0:23:42# Beam my guest!
0:23:42 > 0:23:46# Beam my guest
0:23:46 > 0:23:49- ALL:- # Beam my guest
0:23:49 > 0:23:50# BEAM!
0:23:50 > 0:23:52# My guest! Beam! #
0:23:52 > 0:23:56Alison Percival Hammond, how much do you want to go home?
0:23:56 > 0:23:58I so want to go home. Can you make this happen, please?
0:23:58 > 0:24:00Well, now's your chance, cocker.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02You are standing in my genuine teleporter,
0:24:02 > 0:24:04which I bought on an online auction. What do you think of it?
0:24:04 > 0:24:06It's nice. I like the colours.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08I'm going to ask you a series of questions.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11Get enough right, and you'll be beamed back home.
0:24:11 > 0:24:14Fail miserably, however, and you'll be going somewhere horrific.
0:24:14 > 0:24:15How does that sound?
0:24:15 > 0:24:18That doesn't sound too good, to be honest with you. I want to go home.
0:24:18 > 0:24:21The time will end when you hear this sound...
0:24:21 > 0:24:24I'm still a total nobody.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26- Are you ready?- Yes, I'm ready.
0:24:26 > 0:24:29In that case, start the clock.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31What's the name of Brad Pitt's wife?
0:24:31 > 0:24:33Angelina Jolie.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35No. You didn't let me finish the question.
0:24:35 > 0:24:38It was - what's the name of Brad Pitt's wife's husband?
0:24:38 > 0:24:39- It's Brad Pitt. - SHE LAUGHS
0:24:39 > 0:24:42Time for the music round now, cocker.
0:24:42 > 0:24:45So, let's welcome my old mucker, my confidant
0:24:45 > 0:24:49and championship ferret tickler 1973 to 1974,
0:24:49 > 0:24:51it's Accordion G.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53# It's Accordion George
0:24:53 > 0:24:55# It's Accordion George
0:24:55 > 0:24:56# Hey, ho, ha
0:24:56 > 0:24:58# It's Accordion George
0:24:58 > 0:24:59# Acky G. #
0:24:59 > 0:25:01The big G! Look, it's Acky G.
0:25:01 > 0:25:05Now, Acky G is going to play you a lovely tune on his fantastic
0:25:05 > 0:25:07rent-to-buy ack,
0:25:07 > 0:25:10- but you've got to guess what he's playing.- OK.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12Take it away, G.
0:25:12 > 0:25:15HE PLAYS STRICTLY COME DANCING THEME TUNE
0:25:22 > 0:25:25Now, what do you think that was, cocker?
0:25:25 > 0:25:26Well, it's very familiar to me.
0:25:26 > 0:25:29That is the Strictly Come Dancing theme tune.
0:25:29 > 0:25:30Let's see if you are right.
0:25:30 > 0:25:33MUSIC: Strictly Come Dancing Theme Tune
0:25:36 > 0:25:37Dance along, George!
0:25:41 > 0:25:43- Love it.- I don't know how you got that, cocker.
0:25:43 > 0:25:45It was appalling, in my opinion.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47Goodbye, Acky G.
0:25:47 > 0:25:49And mind your shins. We are not insured.
0:25:51 > 0:25:54Which of your This Morning's colleagues is called the Silver Fox?
0:25:54 > 0:25:56Well, it's Phillip Schofield.
0:25:56 > 0:25:58No, it's Dr Chris Steele.
0:25:58 > 0:26:01He breaks into kitchen sheds dressed in kitchen foil.
0:26:01 > 0:26:03Herman is holding some objects
0:26:03 > 0:26:05that represent another of your This Morning's colleagues.
0:26:05 > 0:26:08It's some holly, a will and a bee.
0:26:08 > 0:26:10But who is it?
0:26:10 > 0:26:12That's easy. That's Holly Willoughby.
0:26:12 > 0:26:14No, it's Phillip Schofield.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17He's left all his money and a sprig of holly to that bee.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19I'm still a total nobody.
0:26:19 > 0:26:22Time's up. Lorraine, how did she score?
0:26:22 > 0:26:24Oh, I've got no idea.
0:26:24 > 0:26:28I was too busy on LifeBrag looking at speeded up recipe videos.
0:26:28 > 0:26:30Wow, that means you are going home, cocker.
0:26:30 > 0:26:33- What do you think about that? - Oh, it's amazing. Thanks so much.
0:26:33 > 0:26:35- Can I go now? - Well, you just wait on, cocker.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37It's time to beam my guest.
0:26:37 > 0:26:40Oh, and Herman, make sure you don't accidentally send her to the
0:26:40 > 0:26:43worst place in the universe.
0:26:43 > 0:26:47- Don't worry, Mr Hacker. - HE LAUGHS MISCHIEVOUSLY
0:26:48 > 0:26:51No, that's the worst place ever. Please stop, stop, stop, stop.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53I don't want it go!
0:26:53 > 0:26:54I'm sure she's fine.
0:26:58 > 0:27:01BUNNY WHEEZES
0:27:01 > 0:27:02That is almost it for today.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04I'm off to purchase some acrylic clothing
0:27:04 > 0:27:06from a well-known high street store,
0:27:06 > 0:27:10but first there's the large matter of my disgusting end song.
0:27:10 > 0:27:11Join in if you want to.
0:27:16 > 0:27:18# That is it for now, the end of the show
0:27:18 > 0:27:21# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go
0:27:21 > 0:27:23# I'll see you next time on this show of mine
0:27:23 > 0:27:26# Put it in your diary - it's called Hacker Time
0:27:26 > 0:27:28# It's been amazing There's been joy, fun and laughter
0:27:28 > 0:27:31# This could be the year we win our first BAFTA
0:27:31 > 0:27:33# Join again next time cos we've got much more
0:27:33 > 0:27:36# There'll be tonnes of other funny stuff - it will be top drawer
0:27:36 > 0:27:37# Ali Hammond dropped on by
0:27:37 > 0:27:40# She's the gal with all the showbiz news
0:27:40 > 0:27:42# We had a string of big named guests
0:27:42 > 0:27:45# But I destroyed the red carpet after depositing a load of poos
0:27:45 > 0:27:47# That is for now the end of the show
0:27:47 > 0:27:50# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go
0:27:50 > 0:27:52# I'll see ya next time on this show of mine
0:27:52 > 0:27:54# Put it in your diary - it's called Hacker Time
0:27:54 > 0:27:57# Put it in your diary - it's called Hacker Time
0:27:57 > 0:28:00# That is the end of today's Hacker Time. #
0:28:02 > 0:28:05Of course, Hacker Time was invented in the late 17th century
0:28:05 > 0:28:07by The Beatles and a Triceratops named Katie.