0:00:04 > 0:00:06One minute to on air, everyone!
0:00:08 > 0:00:11Right, Lorraine, it's time for us to go green.
0:00:11 > 0:00:12But you already are green!
0:00:12 > 0:00:15No! I mean we need to start saving energy.
0:00:15 > 0:00:17Oh, well, that's fine by me.
0:00:17 > 0:00:20- I could do with a nap. - I'm being serious!
0:00:20 > 0:00:22Oh, we're not hitting our environmental targets.
0:00:22 > 0:00:25All right, I'll try and hit this environmental target.
0:00:25 > 0:00:27It's an endangered waterfowl.
0:00:27 > 0:00:29No! No, no, no! Wilf!
0:00:29 > 0:00:33Oh, dear. Our ecological record is a disaster.
0:00:33 > 0:00:34Oh, tell me about it!
0:00:34 > 0:00:37It only reached 943 in the charts.
0:00:37 > 0:00:39By the way, I powered the recording studio
0:00:39 > 0:00:43- with non-renewable fossil fuel. - Well, that does it!
0:00:43 > 0:00:45We need to start recycling this instant.
0:00:45 > 0:00:47But we already are!
0:00:47 > 0:00:49Every joke in this series is recycled.
0:00:49 > 0:00:51BA-DUM-TISH! Including that one.
0:00:51 > 0:00:54We used it in series five, episode seven.
0:00:54 > 0:00:56Perfect! Run the titles.
0:01:03 > 0:01:05# You gonna watch this?
0:01:06 > 0:01:09# You gotta watch this!
0:01:10 > 0:01:11# You gotta watch this!
0:01:13 > 0:01:15HE RAPS: # My, my, my, my programme hits you
0:01:15 > 0:01:16# So hard
0:01:16 > 0:01:18# Makes me say, "Oh, my word!"
0:01:18 > 0:01:20# Thank you for watching me
0:01:20 > 0:01:22# It's telly, but not what you normally see
0:01:22 > 0:01:24# It feels good, there's outtakes too
0:01:24 > 0:01:26# Comedy, guests and clips, it's true
0:01:26 > 0:01:27# So sit back - don't move too much
0:01:27 > 0:01:30# This is the show - ah! - you can't touch. #
0:01:30 > 0:01:32Stop - Hacker Time!
0:01:32 > 0:01:33Thank you.
0:01:33 > 0:01:37Standby, everyone, we're on air in five seconds.
0:01:37 > 0:01:41- Four...- Wilf...- ..three...- ..are the celebrity guests here?
0:01:41 > 0:01:43- WILF:- They're coming now.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45- Excuse me, I'm Isabel Clifton. - I'm Matthew Ashford.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48And we're here to film an episode of Hetty Feather.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51Certainly, madams. But don't you need to use the lavatory first?
0:01:51 > 0:01:52Oh, no, I'm all right.
0:01:52 > 0:01:55- Go on, there's always time for a privy break.- Are you sure?
0:01:55 > 0:01:58- Yeah, shut the door, you'll like it in there.- OK.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00Ready, Hacker!
0:02:00 > 0:02:03This is going to be off the chain.
0:02:03 > 0:02:04SCREAMING
0:02:04 > 0:02:06Right, now you need the toilet.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08No, no, I really don't. What's going on?
0:02:08 > 0:02:09Why is there screaming?
0:02:09 > 0:02:11What's this fake toilet sign about?
0:02:11 > 0:02:14- I'd go in if I was you, just have a little look.- Something's going on.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17You're right, shut the door if you want. Ready, Hacker!
0:02:17 > 0:02:20Good! Nice of him to drop in.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22HE SCREAMS
0:02:25 > 0:02:29SHE SCREAMS
0:02:29 > 0:02:31THEY SCREAM
0:02:32 > 0:02:35Ladies and gentlemen, from Hetty Feather,
0:02:35 > 0:02:40it's Isabel Clifton and Matthew Ashford!
0:02:42 > 0:02:45- Sorry, Izzie, are you OK? - Are you OK?
0:02:45 > 0:02:46Welcome to Hacker Time!
0:02:46 > 0:02:49- Oh, no, no, we're not doing this. - No, we're escaping.- Well, good luck!
0:02:49 > 0:02:52You've been trying to escape from that hospital for two series
0:02:52 > 0:02:54and you haven't got anywhere. Hey, talking of which,
0:02:54 > 0:02:57here's someone who'll definitely stop you leaving!
0:02:57 > 0:03:00- THEY GASP - You all right, cockers?
0:03:00 > 0:03:04Yes. It's your old friend Matron Bottomley!
0:03:04 > 0:03:07- Ha-ha, Matron. - All right, OK, we'll stay.- Yeah.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10Good. Now to find out why you're both here wasting my time.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13Derek, play the fact file!
0:03:13 > 0:03:15Hey, that's my line!
0:03:15 > 0:03:17I'm livid!
0:03:17 > 0:03:20I do hope that's a recycled cardboard cutout!
0:03:22 > 0:03:24- What's this? - They've painted it the wrong colour.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26- Derek?- Wrong button.
0:03:26 > 0:03:30- I stood on the plug again, Barbara! - That's better.
0:03:30 > 0:03:34Isabel Clifton and Matthew Ashford star in CBBC's Hetty Feather.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36Isabel plays Hetty,
0:03:36 > 0:03:39who enjoys nowt more than doing drawings of thin air
0:03:39 > 0:03:42and mailing herself off on adventures.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44Whilst Matthew plays Mr Cranbourne,
0:03:44 > 0:03:47who is very good at looking confused in a variety of locations.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49By a brick wall,
0:03:49 > 0:03:50by a plain wall,
0:03:50 > 0:03:54and by a sheet being projected with an image of a spider.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57So, that's Isabel and Matthew.
0:03:57 > 0:03:58Oh, look!
0:03:58 > 0:04:01He's glued his thumbs to the inside of his waistcoat!
0:04:01 > 0:04:03So, that's who you are!
0:04:03 > 0:04:05Now, do you promise that you definitely won't escape?
0:04:05 > 0:04:07Mm...
0:04:07 > 0:04:08Let's not make any promises here.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11Well, in that case, I'll do what your matron does
0:04:11 > 0:04:14and bribe you with these toffees!
0:04:14 > 0:04:16- Oh.- Oh.- Well, I love a toffee. - Yeah.- That'll work.
0:04:16 > 0:04:20And in line with our new green policy, those toffees are recycled.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23I've been chewing them for weeks!
0:04:23 > 0:04:26Yeah, it's funny because they're eating my saliva!
0:04:26 > 0:04:29Lolly, what else is coming up on today's show?
0:04:29 > 0:04:31Oi, I've warned you!
0:04:31 > 0:04:35If you dislike costume dramas, then you'll hate today's show
0:04:35 > 0:04:38because it's all about costume drama.
0:04:39 > 0:04:40Coming up...
0:04:40 > 0:04:42witness an alarmed pineapple...
0:04:43 > 0:04:45..a bird emerging from a barrel...
0:04:48 > 0:04:50..and a talking pair of trousers.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53Fancy joining me for a quick spin?
0:04:53 > 0:04:55Now, that's TV.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59Why, it looks like the usual steaming pile
0:04:59 > 0:05:02of so-called entertainment, doesn't it?
0:05:02 > 0:05:04Now, question one. On Hetty Feather,
0:05:04 > 0:05:07you wear old-fashioned, tatty, rancid clothing.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09Why didn't you change out of it today?
0:05:11 > 0:05:14Seriously, though. What has the series taught you
0:05:14 > 0:05:15about life in Victorian times?
0:05:15 > 0:05:18I think it's taught me that life was a lot harder.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21- Yeah.- Slower, smellier. - There wasn't any like running water
0:05:21 > 0:05:23- or anything like that. - No running water.- No.
0:05:23 > 0:05:27But don't you think life would be easier without running water? Look!
0:05:27 > 0:05:29You can't catch me!
0:05:29 > 0:05:30It's me own fault.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32I should've bought STILL water!
0:05:32 > 0:05:34Hey, do you get it? BA-DUM-TISH!
0:05:34 > 0:05:35Still water!
0:05:35 > 0:05:37Hacker, stop wasting water!
0:05:37 > 0:05:40You'll have to re-use that comedy prop at least three times
0:05:40 > 0:05:43- in this interview.- No problem.
0:05:43 > 0:05:47Matthew, what's your favourite nonstatic liquid?
0:05:47 > 0:05:48Say running water.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51- Erm...- Oh, running water, I think. - Correct!
0:05:51 > 0:05:53GIGGLING
0:05:53 > 0:05:56Do you remember that episode of Hetty Feather when they held
0:05:56 > 0:05:59that TV talent show in the Foundling Hospital?
0:05:59 > 0:06:01Er...
0:06:01 > 0:06:03- No.- No.- They did! They did!
0:06:03 > 0:06:07Take a look at this with your eyes and modern-day facial areas.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11First candidate, please.
0:06:14 > 0:06:16- Name?- Hacker T Dog, ma'am.
0:06:16 > 0:06:20And I will be singing Baby by Justin Bieber for you today.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22Are you of good character, may I ask?
0:06:22 > 0:06:24Well, I've got me own show, cocker,
0:06:24 > 0:06:27so someone must like me somewhere!
0:06:27 > 0:06:30All right, here goes. You're going to like this.
0:06:30 > 0:06:31HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:06:31 > 0:06:33# Baby, baby, baby, ooh
0:06:33 > 0:06:38# Baby, baby, baby, ooooh. #
0:06:39 > 0:06:41Your baby is accepted.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44- Huzzah! I knew it!- Matron?
0:06:44 > 0:06:47- I must agree. - Make way, Victorian London!
0:06:47 > 0:06:49A star is born!
0:06:49 > 0:06:52Hoo-ha! Hoo-ha! La-la-la!
0:06:52 > 0:06:54Well, what do you think about that, cocker?
0:06:54 > 0:06:57- Yeah, I like your scene, it was good.- I thought it was rubbish!
0:06:57 > 0:07:00- It was a bit rubbish, wasn't it, cocker?- That wasn't very nice.
0:07:00 > 0:07:01Hetty Feather is a costume drama.
0:07:01 > 0:07:05I thought a costume drama was something else altogether.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09I love you, my darling!
0:07:09 > 0:07:11And I you.
0:07:11 > 0:07:14Fancy joining me for a quick spin?
0:07:14 > 0:07:17Actually, I have something to tell you.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20I'm made of non-fast colours.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22You don't mean...
0:07:22 > 0:07:26Yes! I can only be washed at 30 degrees on the delicate cycle.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29We can never be together!
0:07:29 > 0:07:30Nooo!
0:07:30 > 0:07:32TRAIN WHISTLES
0:07:32 > 0:07:35It was for the best. It's terrible when things run.
0:07:35 > 0:07:39GIGGLING
0:07:39 > 0:07:42Tell us about this secret meeting place you have on Hetty Feather.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45Well, Hetty and her friends have, like, a tower
0:07:45 > 0:07:47and they go there, like, at night
0:07:47 > 0:07:49and they just, like, tell scary stories
0:07:49 > 0:07:53and take the mickey out of Cranbourne and Matron.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56We have a secret meeting place where we hatch plans.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58But I'm not telling you where it is.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00Excuse me one minute. NEON LIGHTS BUZZ
0:08:00 > 0:08:02Erm, we need to get rid of these two. Especially him.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04He's duller than my dressing room carpet.
0:08:04 > 0:08:08You could always get him to glue his thumbs inside of his waistcoat.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10Excuse me, I can hear you, you know.
0:08:12 > 0:08:14I don't believe it!
0:08:14 > 0:08:17Those neon lights are wasting even more energy.
0:08:17 > 0:08:21Well, in that case, let's turn the power off for the next question.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27Matthew, I understand you have a very unusual party piece.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29Would you mind showing us?
0:08:29 > 0:08:32As it's you, yeah. No, I'm more than happy to do it for you.
0:08:32 > 0:08:35- Belting. Go on, then. - OK. Hold tight.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYS
0:08:37 > 0:08:38OOHING
0:08:38 > 0:08:40HACKER GASPS
0:08:40 > 0:08:43AHHING
0:08:44 > 0:08:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:08:47 > 0:08:48Ooh.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51That amazed and sickened me in equal measure.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54Yeah, I think we'd better leave it there, cocker.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56What a terrible interview!
0:08:56 > 0:08:59Oh, did somebody say water?
0:09:02 > 0:09:05Cut to something else!
0:09:05 > 0:09:06Now on Hacker time,
0:09:06 > 0:09:10treasure this moment as it's the final adventure of
0:09:10 > 0:09:13Admiral Lawnmower.
0:09:31 > 0:09:35It's been 17 days since my last log.
0:09:35 > 0:09:38I think I need more fibre in me diet.
0:09:38 > 0:09:39HE FARTS
0:09:39 > 0:09:40That's better.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44Anyway, as we near the end of our voyage,
0:09:44 > 0:09:47wealth and happiness is within my reach.
0:09:50 > 0:09:51Jim!
0:09:51 > 0:09:54Could you pass me that copy of Wealth and Happiness magazine?
0:09:54 > 0:09:58- Yes, Admiral.- Although, technically, it is within your reach.
0:09:58 > 0:10:03Now, crew, we've been through a lot on this journey.
0:10:03 > 0:10:07There was the time we were hit by that terrible gale.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09You leave my David alone!
0:10:11 > 0:10:14There was the time we battled a very strong current.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16SHOUTING
0:10:19 > 0:10:23- I've never seen a stronger currant! - How dare you?
0:10:23 > 0:10:24I'm a sultana!
0:10:25 > 0:10:29And there was the time the hull had a leak in it.
0:10:29 > 0:10:32Lieutenant Leek, what are you doing down here?
0:10:32 > 0:10:35I'm just drilling a massive big hole in the bottom of the ship, sir!
0:10:35 > 0:10:38Very good. Carry on.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41And now we are almost at our destination,
0:10:41 > 0:10:44where X marks the spot.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47Surely we could have taken a shorter route?
0:10:47 > 0:10:49Sorry, this isn't the route.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52It's a portrait of my new friend, Map-like Jonathan.
0:10:52 > 0:10:55I was created just for this gag!
0:10:55 > 0:10:57The writers aren't even trying any more.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00This is the route.
0:11:00 > 0:11:04And we have just one final hurdle to face before we reach fortune
0:11:04 > 0:11:06and contentment.
0:11:06 > 0:11:07GASPING
0:11:07 > 0:11:09Jim, could you step over that hurdle
0:11:09 > 0:11:12and pass me a copy of Fortune and Contentment magazine?
0:11:17 > 0:11:19I can't even read!
0:11:27 > 0:11:29We're finally here!
0:11:29 > 0:11:32I never thought we'd make it through that horrific wind.
0:11:32 > 0:11:33Tell me about it!
0:11:33 > 0:11:35SHE FARTS
0:11:35 > 0:11:38Oh, I think Gail needs more fibre in her diet!
0:11:38 > 0:11:41Admiral, we can finally go ashore.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43ALL: Huzzah!
0:11:43 > 0:11:47But before we do, I need to take a leak.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50Come on, Lieutenant Leek. We're going ashore!
0:11:55 > 0:11:57BIRD SQUAWKS
0:12:02 > 0:12:06According to the map, the X should be around somewhere here.
0:12:06 > 0:12:08But where?
0:12:08 > 0:12:10Er, Admiral?
0:12:12 > 0:12:15I wonder what treasure could be buried beneath!
0:12:15 > 0:12:18- Gold?- Jewels?
0:12:18 > 0:12:2112 millimetre brass wing nuts?
0:12:21 > 0:12:23What are you lot talking about?
0:12:23 > 0:12:25This IS the treasure!
0:12:25 > 0:12:27I've always wanted a giant X.
0:12:27 > 0:12:30You mean we came all that way for this?
0:12:30 > 0:12:34Oh, no. I've also found untold riches buried beneath.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36CHEERING
0:12:36 > 0:12:37Yes.
0:12:37 > 0:12:40This copy of Untold Riches magazine!
0:12:40 > 0:12:42CHEERING
0:12:42 > 0:12:46Now, everybody, back on board for another long and pointless journey.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48Nwyah!
0:12:48 > 0:12:50- ALL:- Nwyah!
0:12:52 > 0:12:55Admiral, if that X is so valuable, what's it made of?
0:12:55 > 0:12:58Solid lead, cockers!
0:12:58 > 0:12:59CRACKING
0:13:01 > 0:13:02What am I like?
0:13:02 > 0:13:05BUBBLING
0:13:05 > 0:13:08Was that the final episode? I really hope not!
0:13:08 > 0:13:10But why? Did you enjoy it, Father?
0:13:10 > 0:13:12No, not really.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15But I am stuck to this couch and I can't reach the remote!
0:13:17 > 0:13:19You're watching Hacker Time,
0:13:19 > 0:13:22sponsored by Tadcaster Car Park Museum.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25All the history of all the car parks under one badly maintained roof.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27Mr Derek!
0:13:27 > 0:13:29Oh, here we go again.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31Yes, Herman?
0:13:31 > 0:13:33Have you thought any more about me becoming the co-presenter
0:13:33 > 0:13:35- of Hacker Time?- Yes!
0:13:35 > 0:13:36HERMAN GASPS
0:13:36 > 0:13:38And the answer is no.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40You just don't look right.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42But I could change me clothes!
0:13:43 > 0:13:45- Ta-da!- No.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48Well, I could change me hair!
0:13:49 > 0:13:51Ta-da!
0:13:51 > 0:13:53No.
0:13:53 > 0:13:54Well, it could change me face!
0:13:54 > 0:13:57Look.
0:13:57 > 0:14:00Wait! That's exactly the look we need!
0:14:00 > 0:14:02Nobody else could have such a unique look.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04Herman, you've got the j...!
0:14:04 > 0:14:08Excuse me, I'm looking for the toilet.
0:14:08 > 0:14:09And you've found it.
0:14:09 > 0:14:13Welcome to Hacker Time, new co-presenter.
0:14:13 > 0:14:14Hoo-hoo!
0:14:18 > 0:14:19It's not fair.
0:14:21 > 0:14:25Coming back to studio in three, two, one...
0:14:25 > 0:14:27And cue!
0:14:27 > 0:14:30Welcome back to Hacker Time with me, whatever I am,
0:14:30 > 0:14:32and my co-presenter, Hacker T Dog.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35Isn't she terrific?
0:14:35 > 0:14:38And best of all, her face is 100% recycled.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40Now, Isabel and Matthew,
0:14:40 > 0:14:43what is it like spending so much of your time in the past?
0:14:43 > 0:14:45Well, it's very different to the modern day.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48And it's, like, really exciting, because you get to see
0:14:48 > 0:14:51- all the different props and what it was like back then.- You're lucky!
0:14:51 > 0:14:54I'd love to live in the years gone by.
0:14:54 > 0:14:57And I shall demonstrate this via the medium o' song.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00Oh!
0:15:00 > 0:15:04# Oh, life is too cheerful when you're stuck in the present
0:15:04 > 0:15:08# I wish I could travel to an age far less pleasant
0:15:08 > 0:15:15# I want to live in the harrowing past
0:15:15 > 0:15:18# I'd incarcerate urchins in a filthy workhouse
0:15:18 > 0:15:23# Or be the Henry VIII and lop the head off my spouse
0:15:23 > 0:15:29# If he could live in the harrowing past
0:15:29 > 0:15:33# I'd go to Ancient Rome and be an evil dictator
0:15:33 > 0:15:37# Or be Lizzie I and dish out knighthoods for taters
0:15:37 > 0:15:40# I'd be all discontented just like Richard III
0:15:40 > 0:15:44# In the Jurassic Age I'd step in dinosaur droppings
0:15:44 > 0:15:48# I'd have only one ear just like Vincent van Gogh
0:15:48 > 0:15:51# Or be a Bronte sister and develop a cough... #
0:15:51 > 0:15:53HE COUGHS
0:15:53 > 0:15:57# That's how I'd live in the harrowing past! #
0:15:57 > 0:15:59Yesteryear!
0:15:59 > 0:16:01- What do you think of that, cockers? - It was very good.
0:16:01 > 0:16:04It was brilliant. I thought the vibrato was marvellous, darling!
0:16:04 > 0:16:06Quality vibrato. Th... BELL RINGS
0:16:06 > 0:16:09Ooh, that's lunch. But not for you Victorians!
0:16:09 > 0:16:11- See you!- Bye!
0:16:14 > 0:16:15I hope it's not weevils.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20Think we're going to get any lunch?
0:16:26 > 0:16:30- Wilfred?- Hm? - In honour of today's guests,
0:16:30 > 0:16:33I've decided to serve only historic food.
0:16:33 > 0:16:39I've made a series of menus inspired by different eras in history.
0:16:39 > 0:16:43The customers will love this authentic dining experience.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46Hello! What have you got on the Caveman menu?
0:16:46 > 0:16:48A club sandwich.
0:16:48 > 0:16:52- Sounds delicious! - Yeah, there's the sandwich.- Mm.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54And here's the club!
0:16:54 > 0:16:56Ow!
0:16:56 > 0:16:58What's on the Ice Age menu?
0:16:58 > 0:17:03Oh, some fish fingers we forgot to defrost.
0:17:03 > 0:17:05Anything good on the Roman menu?
0:17:05 > 0:17:08No idea. It keeps ROAMING about all over the place.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13Actually, forget the past.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16I'll have something from your futuristic menu.
0:17:16 > 0:17:19Excellent choice!
0:17:19 > 0:17:20Here you go.
0:17:23 > 0:17:24But where's the food?
0:17:24 > 0:17:26In the future, of course!
0:17:26 > 0:17:28That'll be £3 million, please.
0:17:28 > 0:17:31- Prices have gone up in the future. - Well, that's great value!
0:17:31 > 0:17:33Bye!
0:17:33 > 0:17:35Hey, come back! He hasn't paid us!
0:17:35 > 0:17:38- I know. I'm going to pay you in the future.- Oh!
0:17:38 > 0:17:40I'll fire up the van...
0:17:40 > 0:17:42in the present!
0:17:42 > 0:17:45BELL RINGS
0:17:45 > 0:17:49And now, we present a landmark costume drama.
0:17:49 > 0:17:55It's Hacker, Isabel and Matthew in Sweaty Heather.
0:17:58 > 0:17:59Oh, woe is me.
0:17:59 > 0:18:04My name is Sweaty Heather and here in the Brownthing Hospital
0:18:04 > 0:18:06I'm nothing but a number.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08Oi! What's wrong with that?
0:18:08 > 0:18:11You need to learn some manners, young lady!
0:18:11 > 0:18:14Oh, look! It's my best friend, Potty.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17Why do you look so sad?
0:18:17 > 0:18:21Well, mainly because Hacker's making me wear this ridiculous costume.
0:18:21 > 0:18:23Stick to the script, Potty.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25- All right, sorry. - HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:18:25 > 0:18:30- HIGH-PITCHED:- I'm sad because I'll never see my borrowed family again.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32They were overdue, so I took them back to the library.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34- BA-DUM-TISH! - Oh, look out!
0:18:34 > 0:18:36Here comes the fearful Matron Bumley!
0:18:38 > 0:18:4025629?
0:18:40 > 0:18:43- Yes, Matron? - I wasn't talking to you, cocker.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45I was doing this sudoku puzzle.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47BA-DUM-TISH!
0:18:47 > 0:18:50What hideous tasks do you have in store for us today, Matron?
0:18:50 > 0:18:54First, I want you to press all these towels.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56THEY GASP With your index fingers.
0:18:56 > 0:18:57Come and have a little go. Press them.
0:18:57 > 0:18:59I've been using a nice new fabric conditioner.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01- Aren't they nice and soft? - That is soft, actually.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03It's like a moth's body, isn't it?
0:19:03 > 0:19:05Have a sniff of that!
0:19:06 > 0:19:09Next, I want you to cook all the gruel.
0:19:09 > 0:19:10THEY GASP
0:19:10 > 0:19:11In this handy microwave oven.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13It'll only take two minutes on full power.
0:19:13 > 0:19:16That will save you a bit of time, won't it? DING!
0:19:16 > 0:19:19Finally, I want you to scrub every hour of the day.
0:19:19 > 0:19:22- THEY GASP - (Every hour of the day?)
0:19:22 > 0:19:23On this tiny little clock, look.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26It's so small, it'll only take you a second to clean it.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28- That's easy, isn't it? - That does it, Matron.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30We're looking for a way to escape!
0:19:30 > 0:19:34Well, it's easy, cocker. It's there, top left on your keyboard, by F1.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36No, we want to get away from this place!
0:19:36 > 0:19:38Oh, good luck with that.
0:19:38 > 0:19:39SHE SCREAMS
0:19:39 > 0:19:44Oh, he's angry with you for filleting all his mates yesterday.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46- SPLASH! - There's only one thing for it.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49We'll have to dig our way out using forks and spoons.
0:19:49 > 0:19:53- Brilliant! There's no way Matron can ruin this plan.- No.
0:19:53 > 0:19:57Attention. From now on, I'm banning all cutlery.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00And replacing it with industrial digging equipment like this.
0:20:00 > 0:20:02So that's convenient, isn't it?
0:20:02 > 0:20:04Right, we're not standing for this any more!
0:20:04 > 0:20:06Oh, have a little seat, then you'll be all right.
0:20:06 > 0:20:07- Have a sit down.- No, no.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09You're making everything far too easy for us!
0:20:09 > 0:20:12Yeah, we want this to be an accurate portrayal
0:20:12 > 0:20:15- of the Victorian lifestyle!- Exactly. - Oh, you should have said so.
0:20:15 > 0:20:19In that case, one helping of harsh Victorian working conditions
0:20:19 > 0:20:21coming up. Fade to black!
0:20:21 > 0:20:23PIANO MUSIC
0:20:23 > 0:20:27Yup. They were dark, dark times back then.
0:20:27 > 0:20:30Now, get scrubbing these skeletons, you worthless wretches!
0:20:30 > 0:20:32You're not really dead.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35But in other news, you do both have Victorian illnesses.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38- MUSIC SCREECHES - Oh, that's all right, then.- Yeah.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46CHEERING
0:20:46 > 0:20:47CRYING
0:20:47 > 0:20:50Father! Why are you crying?
0:20:50 > 0:20:54Because that deadly Victorian illness was my mother!
0:20:54 > 0:20:57EASTENDERS DOOF-DOOFS PLAY
0:20:57 > 0:20:59Oh, good.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02Oh, EastEnders is on! Oh, better than this Hacker Time rubbish.
0:21:02 > 0:21:05Now on Hacker Time, it's time to join Luke and Leia
0:21:05 > 0:21:08for more Lost & Found...
0:21:08 > 0:21:09& Lost Again.
0:21:16 > 0:21:19Don't you look smart, Luke! Are you up in court again?
0:21:19 > 0:21:24Well, yeah, but I've also become a romantic crooner
0:21:24 > 0:21:29and my first song is all about you, Leia.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31SHE SCREAMS
0:21:39 > 0:21:43# Maybe it's that smile
0:21:43 > 0:21:46# Or that stolen glance
0:21:47 > 0:21:54# Or the soft and sultry way she trumps each time we dance... #
0:21:54 > 0:21:55FARTING
0:21:55 > 0:22:02# Or the tender words she whispers in my ear... #
0:22:02 > 0:22:04Bottom.
0:22:04 > 0:22:09# She's the hottest girl in the northern hemisphere... #
0:22:09 > 0:22:11That's because I can't control the central heating!
0:22:11 > 0:22:16# Maybe it's her eyes
0:22:16 > 0:22:20# Or her tiny nose
0:22:20 > 0:22:26# Or the fact she eats the cheese that grows between her toes... #
0:22:26 > 0:22:28Hm, brie!
0:22:28 > 0:22:33# Or the free and easy way she urinates... #
0:22:33 > 0:22:36Oh, I needed that!
0:22:36 > 0:22:39# That's why I won't be
0:22:39 > 0:22:42# Asking for a date. #
0:22:44 > 0:22:48Oh, I can't believe you won't ask me for a date!
0:22:48 > 0:22:50I've got loads of them!
0:22:50 > 0:22:54Oh, well, that changes everything because I love dates and...
0:22:54 > 0:22:57Leia, will you go out on a date with me?
0:22:57 > 0:22:58Yes!
0:22:58 > 0:23:02Has anyone ever told you how soft and sultry your trumps are?
0:23:02 > 0:23:04SHE FARTS
0:23:04 > 0:23:07And now, we come to the climax of the show -
0:23:07 > 0:23:10the quiz that we like to call...
0:23:10 > 0:23:13# Beam My Guests
0:23:13 > 0:23:16# Beam My Guests!
0:23:16 > 0:23:20# Beam My Guests! #
0:23:20 > 0:23:21Beam them!
0:23:21 > 0:23:24Beam me guests, indeed.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26Isabel and Matthew, how much do you want to go home?
0:23:26 > 0:23:29- Really want to go home.- Yeah, we're ready to go home now, yeah.
0:23:29 > 0:23:30Well, now's your chance.
0:23:30 > 0:23:33You are standing in my genuine space age teleporter.
0:23:33 > 0:23:36- What do you think, cocker? - Very impressive.- Very cool.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38I'm going to ask you a series of questions.
0:23:38 > 0:23:41Get enough answers right and you'll be beamed back home.
0:23:41 > 0:23:44Fail miserably however, and you'll go somewhere horrific.
0:23:44 > 0:23:47The time will end when you hear this noise.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49I'm doing a cardio work-out!
0:23:49 > 0:23:51Are you ready?
0:23:51 > 0:23:53- Yes.- Yes.- In that case, start the clock!
0:23:53 > 0:23:56What period is Hetty Feather set in?
0:23:56 > 0:23:58- Victorian.- Victorian.- Victorian.
0:23:58 > 0:24:02No, it's the free period between Geography and English.
0:24:02 > 0:24:06Complete this famous Queen Victoria quote. "We are not..."
0:24:06 > 0:24:09- Amused!- Yes! She was watching the episode of Hacker Time
0:24:09 > 0:24:12we recycled all these jokes from. Ha-ha!
0:24:12 > 0:24:14It's the music round!
0:24:14 > 0:24:16Please welcome my chum, confidant
0:24:16 > 0:24:19and everyone's favourite winkle picker,
0:24:19 > 0:24:22it's Accordion George!
0:24:22 > 0:24:24# It's Accordion George, yes!
0:24:24 > 0:24:27# It's Accordion George, look at him there!
0:24:27 > 0:24:28# It's Accordion George
0:24:28 > 0:24:31# Accy G! Acc-acc-acc! #
0:24:31 > 0:24:35It's the big G, it's Accordion G. Give us a wave, Accy.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37Give him a polite wave back.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40Don't be too friendly with him, he doesn't like that sort of thing.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43Now, Accordion George is going to play you a fabulous tune
0:24:43 > 0:24:45on his lovely rent-to-buy acc.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47He's going to play you a great tune, you've got to guess what it is.
0:24:47 > 0:24:52- Are you ready, cockers?- Yeah, yeah. - Yes.- Take it away, Accordion G!
0:25:08 > 0:25:10Well, you've no chance, cocker, but give it a guess.
0:25:10 > 0:25:13Um, Is it Stitches by Shawn Mendes?
0:25:13 > 0:25:14Let's find out!
0:25:14 > 0:25:17# You watch me bleed until I can't breathe... #
0:25:17 > 0:25:18- Yeah!- Dance along, G!
0:25:18 > 0:25:20# Shakin', fallin' onto my knees
0:25:20 > 0:25:25# And now that I'm without your kisses
0:25:25 > 0:25:28# I'll be needing stitches... #
0:25:28 > 0:25:30It was correct. I mean, I'm not sure how on earth you got it.
0:25:30 > 0:25:33It sounded like he put the sheet music through the wash!
0:25:33 > 0:25:34On a spin cycle!
0:25:34 > 0:25:36Talking of spin cycles, get rid of him!
0:25:36 > 0:25:38Goodbye, Accordion G!
0:25:38 > 0:25:41Give him a big wave. And mind your shins, Acc.
0:25:41 > 0:25:42Bye.
0:25:44 > 0:25:46Who wrote Hetty Feather?
0:25:46 > 0:25:48- Jacqueline...- Wilson!- Yes.
0:25:48 > 0:25:51No, I did, just now. Look. BA-DUM-TISH!
0:25:51 > 0:25:55Complete the title of this Victorian novel. Oliver...
0:25:55 > 0:25:57- Twist.- Twist!- Very well.
0:25:57 > 0:26:00Complete the title of this Victorian novel.
0:26:00 > 0:26:03I'm doing a cardio work-out!
0:26:03 > 0:26:04Oh, time's up!
0:26:04 > 0:26:06How did they do, Lorraine?
0:26:06 > 0:26:10Don't know. I was saving paper so I didn't write anything down.
0:26:10 > 0:26:12That's our highest score this episode
0:26:12 > 0:26:13which means you're going home.
0:26:13 > 0:26:16- What do you think about that, cockers?- Yes!- Brilliant!
0:26:16 > 0:26:18- Yes!- Brilliant. - It's time to go home!
0:26:18 > 0:26:20- Yeah.- Belting. It's time to Beam My Guest.
0:26:20 > 0:26:22Oh, and Herman?
0:26:22 > 0:26:25Make sure you don't accidentally send them somewhere dreadful!
0:26:25 > 0:26:28- Don't worry, Mr Hacker! - HE LAUGHS
0:26:31 > 0:26:34- No, don't!- Hacker, no!- Hacker!
0:26:34 > 0:26:36I'm sure they're both fine.
0:26:39 > 0:26:41Cute-ish.
0:26:41 > 0:26:43That's almost it for today.
0:26:43 > 0:26:46I'm off to rearrange me patio furniture and de-mould the decking.
0:26:46 > 0:26:49But first, I shall leave you with my hideous end song.
0:26:49 > 0:26:51Join in, cockers!
0:26:56 > 0:26:58# That is it for now, the end of the show
0:26:58 > 0:27:01# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go
0:27:01 > 0:27:03# I'll see you next time on this show of mine
0:27:03 > 0:27:06# Put it in your diary - it's called Hacker Time
0:27:06 > 0:27:08# It's been amazing, there's been joy, fun and laughter
0:27:08 > 0:27:11# This could be the year we win our first Bafta!
0:27:11 > 0:27:13# Join again next time cos we've got much more
0:27:13 > 0:27:15# There'll be tons of other funny stuff - it will be top drawer
0:27:15 > 0:27:17# Isabel and Matthew dropped on by
0:27:17 > 0:27:20# Matthew did a strange party piece
0:27:20 > 0:27:22# We had a lot of running gags
0:27:22 > 0:27:24# And I bought an industrial drill
0:27:24 > 0:27:26# And my guests succumbed to a Victorian disease
0:27:26 > 0:27:27# That is it for now, the end of the show
0:27:27 > 0:27:29# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go
0:27:29 > 0:27:31# I'll see you next time on this show of mine
0:27:31 > 0:27:34# Put it in your diary - it's called Hacker Time
0:27:34 > 0:27:37# Put it in your diary - it's called Hacker Time
0:27:37 > 0:27:39# That is the end of today's Hacker Time! #
0:27:41 > 0:27:45- Thanks for watching my show, cockers.- Oh, Matron!