0:00:04 > 0:00:07All right, that's one minute to on air, everyone.
0:00:07 > 0:00:09Right, you lot, I've got loads of little brown envelopes,
0:00:09 > 0:00:11which can mean only one thing.
0:00:11 > 0:00:14- It's payday! - CASH REGISTER RINGS
0:00:14 > 0:00:16Lolly, here's your monthly pound.
0:00:16 > 0:00:18Oh, great!
0:00:18 > 0:00:21Herman, here's your monthly pound...
0:00:21 > 0:00:23of raisins.
0:00:23 > 0:00:24Great!
0:00:25 > 0:00:29Wilf, here's your monthly 32,000...
0:00:29 > 0:00:32- HE GASPS - ..Vietnamese dong.
0:00:32 > 0:00:37Wow! This currency's worth roughly £1, at the time of recording.
0:00:39 > 0:00:40And finally, Hacker,
0:00:40 > 0:00:43I've got all these little brown envelopes for you.
0:00:43 > 0:00:47Huzzah! I knew I was worth more than the rest of you losers.
0:00:47 > 0:00:48Actually, you're worth less.
0:00:48 > 0:00:51We're just paying you in little brown envelopes.
0:00:51 > 0:00:55- Where's all the money gone? - Oh, I've spent it on me own salary.
0:00:55 > 0:00:57Did somebody say celery?
0:00:57 > 0:01:00He's the most expensive one-joke character we've ever had.
0:01:00 > 0:01:03Now, run the titles. Hu-huh!
0:01:07 > 0:01:09# You gotta watch this
0:01:11 > 0:01:12# You gotta watch this
0:01:14 > 0:01:16# You gotta watch this
0:01:17 > 0:01:19# My, my, my, my
0:01:19 > 0:01:21# Programme hits you so hard
0:01:21 > 0:01:22# Makes me say, "Oh, my word!"
0:01:22 > 0:01:24# Thank you for watching me
0:01:24 > 0:01:26# It's telly, but not what you normally see
0:01:26 > 0:01:28# It feels good, there's outtakes too
0:01:28 > 0:01:29# Comedy, guests and clips, it's true
0:01:29 > 0:01:31# So sit back, don't move too much
0:01:31 > 0:01:34# This is the show you can't touch
0:01:34 > 0:01:36- # Stop!- Hacker Time! #
0:01:36 > 0:01:37Thank you.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39OK, stand by, everyone.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42We're on air in five, four...
0:01:42 > 0:01:45Wilf, is the celebrity guest here?
0:01:45 > 0:01:47She's just coming now, Derek.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50Hello, I'm respected business journalist Steph McGovern
0:01:50 > 0:01:52here to film BBC Breakfast.
0:01:52 > 0:01:55Oh, certainly, sir. But don't you need the toilet first?
0:01:55 > 0:01:57- No, I'm fine, thanks.- You might as well pop in, though.
0:01:57 > 0:02:00- I don't need the toilet.- Pop in, have a little look in there.
0:02:00 > 0:02:03- Seriously, I don't.- Squeeze a bit out. Make some room, love.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07What on earth?
0:02:07 > 0:02:10- Ready, Hacker.- Good.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13I've found the perfect outlet for her talents.
0:02:13 > 0:02:14A sewage outlet.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17Arghhh!
0:02:20 > 0:02:22HE WHISTLES
0:02:24 > 0:02:26Arghhh!
0:02:27 > 0:02:30Ladies and gentlemen, from Pocket Money Pitch
0:02:30 > 0:02:34and BBC Breakfast, it's Steph McGovern.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41Welcome to Hacker Time.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43No, you're having a laugh, I'm not doing this.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45Oh, come on, Steph. I'll make it worth your while.
0:02:45 > 0:02:48- Go on, then, what are you going to pay me?- 7,000...
0:02:49 > 0:02:51..little brown envelopes.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53It's more than I get for Pocket Money Pitch.
0:02:53 > 0:02:54- Go on, then...deal.- Belting.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57Now, to find out if you're worth that paltry sum,
0:02:57 > 0:02:59Derek, tell us more about this dullard, will you?
0:03:00 > 0:03:02Coming up, my little owl.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06That's wrong.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08- Quack! Quack! Quack! - Derek, you pressed the wrong button.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11Hang on. Oh, this is right.
0:03:11 > 0:03:15Steph McGovern is a journalist who talks about business and money stuff
0:03:15 > 0:03:17on BBC Breakfast.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20Sometimes, she bribes cattle to pull the breakfast sofa outside,
0:03:20 > 0:03:22so she can sunbathe while interviewing people.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25And other times, the crew play pranks on her
0:03:25 > 0:03:28by gluing Mike Bushell to her spine.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30Steph also presents Pocket Money Pitch,
0:03:30 > 0:03:33where she can be found wearing tops that clash with the set.
0:03:33 > 0:03:37And that's all you didn't need to know about Stephanie McGovern.
0:03:39 > 0:03:43- Oh, you're THAT Steph McGovern. - Why, who did you think I was?
0:03:43 > 0:03:45A better one. Anyway, now you're here, you may as well help me
0:03:45 > 0:03:48- get my finances in order. - Yeah, very happy to.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51There we go look. I think all the letters are in the wrong order.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54Ironically, that sign did cost me five billion quid,
0:03:54 > 0:03:56so I really do need to get my finances in order.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58- You certainly do.- Thanks, cocker.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01Larry, tell us what other weak jokes are coming up.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03- Certainly, Hacker.- Carry on.
0:04:03 > 0:04:07If you like money, you'll love this show because it's all about...
0:04:08 > 0:04:09..money.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15Coming up, Steph gets weird in safety gear...
0:04:17 > 0:04:19..some other stuff happens, like this...
0:04:21 > 0:04:24..and there's nudity next to an abacus.
0:04:25 > 0:04:26Stay tuned.
0:04:28 > 0:04:32Wow. Looks almost as bad as that BBC Breakfast rubbish, dun't it?
0:04:32 > 0:04:33- You cheeky monkey.- I know.
0:04:33 > 0:04:37Now, Stefan McTavish, you're famous for doing business during breakfast,
0:04:37 > 0:04:39- aren't you?- Yeah.
0:04:39 > 0:04:40Oh, mucky that.
0:04:40 > 0:04:44I always wait till after breakfast to do my business,
0:04:44 > 0:04:47although I do often do it all over the BBC Breakfast sofa.
0:04:47 > 0:04:49- Urghh! Do you?- Yeah, then just rub it in.
0:04:49 > 0:04:52- Keep rubbing till it's gone, cocker. - I wondered what that smell was,
0:04:52 > 0:04:55- now I know.- Yeah, it was my plops. - Urghh!
0:04:55 > 0:04:57Reporting on money must be a dangerous job
0:04:57 > 0:05:00cos you're always wearing a hard hat and high-vis jacket.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02Are you scared you'll get a paper cut off a tenner?
0:05:02 > 0:05:05Or do you think you'll get slightly grazed by the edges of a 50p?
0:05:05 > 0:05:07It's quite dangerous my job, Hacker.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09- Come on!- It is.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12- Come on, Steph!- Some of the things I have to face.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15You know, I might get a bit of dust in my eyes. I need goggles.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17You know, I don't want to get my nice top ruined.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20- What nice top?- You cheeky thing.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22You don't need to worry here, cocker.
0:05:22 > 0:05:25The Hacker Time studio is as safe as houses.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27Good to hear. APPROACHING WHISTLE
0:05:27 > 0:05:29Houses that are about to be demolished, that is.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31- This area is part of an urban renewal scheme.- Is it?
0:05:31 > 0:05:34Swathe ye self in those vestiments, my dear.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36- I think I need them, don't I, in here.- It's lovely that.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39- Very fetching, isn't it?- It is. It brings out your eyes...
0:05:39 > 0:05:41- The hat's a bit big, though. - ..your yellow eyes.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44Stephen, I know you best for presenting Pocket Money Pitch
0:05:44 > 0:05:48on CBBC, but what's the basic premise of the show?
0:05:48 > 0:05:51So, basically, young entrepreneurs, we call them pitchers,
0:05:51 > 0:05:55will come into the vault and they will pitch their business idea.
0:05:55 > 0:05:59What a coincidence, cocker, we've got a picture in our studio today.
0:06:01 > 0:06:05Will you invest in my new business plan for softer paintbrushes?
0:06:05 > 0:06:07I've a reet sensitive canvas.
0:06:07 > 0:06:11Er, that's a PICTURE as opposed to a PITCHER.
0:06:11 > 0:06:15Oh. Looks like we'd better cancel those other two picture jokes then.
0:06:20 > 0:06:23On the show, you have a big blue button just like this.
0:06:23 > 0:06:24But what's it for?
0:06:24 > 0:06:28It's basically in case any of the pitchers panic,
0:06:28 > 0:06:30or they want to ask their buddy a question.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32They can press the button and it will pause their pitch.
0:06:32 > 0:06:36Ha! You'd never catch me drying up on national television like that.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38Right, next question.
0:06:38 > 0:06:39Erm...
0:06:39 > 0:06:42Oh, no! Oh, no! I can't think of any.
0:06:44 > 0:06:45I'm going to have to...
0:06:45 > 0:06:47- WHISPERS: Press the button.- Ah!
0:06:49 > 0:06:52What should I ask? I mean, she's so dull.
0:06:52 > 0:06:56My advice is wrap up the interview and send her home.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58Everybody's probably switched to other channels anyway.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00Oi, you two, I can hear you, you know.
0:07:00 > 0:07:01This is just a two-dimensional graphic.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04Yeah, we didn't think that through, did you?
0:07:05 > 0:07:08- Get it out of here. - APPROACHING WHISTLE
0:07:08 > 0:07:12Stephanie, what are your thoughts on lending money to friends?
0:07:12 > 0:07:14I think that's quite a nice thing to do, as long as you get it back.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16I don't agree with that, cocker.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19I once lent Derek McGee a tenor and he wasn't very grateful.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21HE SINGS OPERA
0:07:21 > 0:07:25I haven't slept for three weeks!
0:07:25 > 0:07:26Hu-hu!
0:07:28 > 0:07:30Yes, it was all a terrible misunderstanding.
0:07:30 > 0:07:34I thought Derek wanted a tenor, but he actually wanted a mezzo-soprano.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36- Ba dum tsss!- Easily done.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39Now, I recently opened a savings account, but I've got no interest.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42Oh, that's really good, but you need to think, Hacker,
0:07:42 > 0:07:43about how you can make...
0:07:43 > 0:07:46No, I've got no interest in anything you have to say.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49I just wanted to boast about my banking products.
0:07:49 > 0:07:50- Ba dum tsss! - HE LAUGHS
0:07:50 > 0:07:53Seriously, though, what's the quickest way to make some dough?
0:07:53 > 0:07:56You need to think about maybe setting up a business
0:07:56 > 0:07:58or a service you could offer that someone else doesn't have.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01No! The quickest way to make some dough
0:08:01 > 0:08:03is by putting it in the food processor.
0:08:03 > 0:08:06La-la-la-la-la, bread. Hey!
0:08:06 > 0:08:10Now, Stephanie, I'm told you're a champion Irish dancer.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12I was all right at it, yeah, back in the day.
0:08:12 > 0:08:14- Well, let's see you do it, then. - All right, then.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16I've got to take my shoes off, though. Is that all right?
0:08:16 > 0:08:19- It's all right, I'll hold my breath. - Here we go. And the hat.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22IRISH DANCE MUSIC PLAYS
0:08:26 > 0:08:30Wow! A talent like that, you could really put bread on the table.
0:08:30 > 0:08:32- Thanks.- Yeah, you danced so fast
0:08:32 > 0:08:36- that you inadvertently kneeded that dough into a loaf of bread.- No way.
0:08:36 > 0:08:37I didn't know I could do that.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40Now, I'm a pretty good bargain spotter, just like you, cocker.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42I recently bought this Ming Dynasty vase
0:08:42 > 0:08:45- for just 45 little brown envelopes. - Really?
0:08:45 > 0:08:48Yeah. The trouble is, I've ruined it by covering it in spots.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50Do you get it? Do you get it?
0:08:50 > 0:08:52Bargain spotter. Spotty vase.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54I've put spots on the vase.
0:08:54 > 0:08:55I've put spots on a bargain.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58I'm a bargain spotter. Do you understand, Steph?
0:08:58 > 0:09:01- I think I've got it.- I'm sure it's still in good enough condition
0:09:01 > 0:09:03- to make me rich.- I'm not so sure. APPROACHING WHISTLE
0:09:03 > 0:09:05No!
0:09:05 > 0:09:08Well, that wrecking ball's been in enough times to stop being funny.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10- You could probably take the hat off now.- I don't trust you.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12What a thoroughly safe interview.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14APPROACHING WHISTLE
0:09:14 > 0:09:16Ohh! Oh, my spine!
0:09:16 > 0:09:18Oh, how awful.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21She's crushed that loaf of bread from earlier.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23Larry, cut to summat else.
0:09:24 > 0:09:27Now on Hacker Time, can anything help save the hotel
0:09:27 > 0:09:28from bad reviews?
0:09:28 > 0:09:32Let's find out in today's edition of The Accommodation Place.
0:09:35 > 0:09:38Enjoy a stay by the calming sea...
0:09:39 > 0:09:41..experience a warm welcome...
0:09:41 > 0:09:42Madam.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44Oh, get out of the way.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47..and indulge in gourmet food.
0:09:48 > 0:09:51This isn't just any accommodation place,
0:09:51 > 0:09:54this is THE Accommodation Place.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02It's Wednesday and there's some bad news
0:10:02 > 0:10:06at the Best Opulent Tip-top Ostentatious Metropolitan hotel.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08- SHE CHUCKLES - B.O.T.T.O.M.
0:10:08 > 0:10:12We've got a one-star rating out of five on hotelwhingers.com.
0:10:12 > 0:10:14Oh, no!
0:10:16 > 0:10:19Marjorie from Egbert, says, "This place is a joke.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22"I checked into my room and the bed wasn't even made."
0:10:22 > 0:10:24Do you have an Allen key, by any chance?
0:10:24 > 0:10:26And Leslie from Abergavenny, says,
0:10:26 > 0:10:29"I paid for a sea view and I got nothing of the sort."
0:10:30 > 0:10:32SHE SPLUTTERS
0:10:32 > 0:10:34And Albert, from Salisbury, says...
0:10:36 > 0:10:39.."The complimentary towel was not what I expected."
0:10:39 > 0:10:41I don't know where Salisbury is.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44I like your hair.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47HE SHRIEKS
0:10:47 > 0:10:48If we're going to get our rating up,
0:10:48 > 0:10:51we're really going to have to improve our customer service.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54- But how?- Hello, there. Can I check in, please?
0:10:54 > 0:10:56Be quiet! Can't you see we're trying to think of ways to improve
0:10:56 > 0:10:58our customer service?
0:10:58 > 0:11:00Now get out of here, you waste of space!
0:11:00 > 0:11:04- Go on! - HE YELLS AND SHOUTS
0:11:04 > 0:11:05HE WOOFS
0:11:05 > 0:11:09Sometimes guests will threaten to post a bad review of the hotel
0:11:09 > 0:11:10on hotelwhingers.com
0:11:10 > 0:11:13unless you pander to their every need.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16Woohoo! Now, what can I get you?
0:11:16 > 0:11:19I want a panda for my every need.
0:11:19 > 0:11:22But I don't think we have them in this country.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24I want a panda.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26I shall write a review.
0:11:26 > 0:11:29- Yes, madam. Of course, madam. - HE WHIMPERS
0:11:29 > 0:11:31- CAR SCREECHS TO A HALT - South Central China, please.
0:11:33 > 0:11:34To help us improve
0:11:34 > 0:11:37our hotelwhingers.com rating, I've called in
0:11:37 > 0:11:41the world's top customer service guru, Mack McMack.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43Customer service is all about being positive.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46Now, go on, little dog, say something positive
0:11:46 > 0:11:48to your valued co-worker.
0:11:50 > 0:11:51Tony...
0:11:53 > 0:11:57..I really look forward to coming to work every day...
0:11:57 > 0:11:58That's good, that's great.
0:11:58 > 0:12:01..so I can laugh at your big ugly face.
0:12:01 > 0:12:03HE LAUGHS
0:12:03 > 0:12:06- Look at it, it's big...and ugly. - OK, OK, OK.
0:12:06 > 0:12:08Well, that's something we can work on.
0:12:09 > 0:12:13I'm being extra helpful to the hotel guests today
0:12:13 > 0:12:16to try and get our rating up.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18Can I take your bag, sir?
0:12:18 > 0:12:20Oh, yes, well, thank you.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22Yes, there you are.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25- The wife will love this. Oh, she'll love it.- Yeah...
0:12:27 > 0:12:31Ah, here is your panda, madam, just over there.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33- Hello.- Huh!
0:12:33 > 0:12:35- I've changed my mind. I want a salad.- But...
0:12:35 > 0:12:38Ah-ah-ah!
0:12:38 > 0:12:40- Of course, madam. - HE WHIMPERS
0:12:40 > 0:12:44The next thing I'd like to teach is trust.
0:12:44 > 0:12:49Now, you've got to trust each other before the customers can trust you.
0:12:49 > 0:12:52Tony, I want you to fall backwards with your eyes closed
0:12:52 > 0:12:55and, Susan, I want you to catch him.
0:12:55 > 0:12:59No worries, cocker, I will not get distracted.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01I will not get distracted.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03I will not... Oh, look at my shoes.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08OK, OK, that's something we can work on.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10I think I've bruised my coccyx.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14Is everything to your satisfaction?
0:13:14 > 0:13:18No. These gold bars are too cold.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20Get us some fresh warm ones.
0:13:20 > 0:13:25But they're always cold and I'm only paid the minimum wage.
0:13:26 > 0:13:30- HE WHIMPERS - And the most important thing
0:13:30 > 0:13:35is to maintain a calm and peaceful atmosphere.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37No problem.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42HE BREAKS WIND
0:13:43 > 0:13:45Right, that's it, I've had enough.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48No amount of positivity can improve this hotel.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50You're all doomed.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54Do you think it was something I said?
0:13:55 > 0:13:58I'll just end up being about an inch shorter, the doctor said.
0:13:58 > 0:14:00Oh, no.
0:14:00 > 0:14:01We spent so long doing all that training,
0:14:01 > 0:14:04we forgot to do our proper job - manning the reception.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06And now there's a massive queue.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09Our rating will be lower than ever.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11Oh, no, we've all come to stay since you've hired
0:14:11 > 0:14:12that lovely new receptionist.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15I like your hair.
0:14:16 > 0:14:19Oh, she's so complimentary.
0:14:19 > 0:14:23Oh, look, we are now a five-star rated hotel.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26I've never owned a five-star rated hotel before.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28You don't.
0:14:28 > 0:14:29We own it.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32Your waiter signed over the hotel to us,
0:14:32 > 0:14:34so we wouldn't write a bad review.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36But we're still going to.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39- I think I'm going to faint. - Don't worry, Tony, I've got you.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41Oh, look, my shoes.
0:14:42 > 0:14:43Oh, he's...
0:14:44 > 0:14:48Please don't write a review of this episode on tvshowwhingers.com.
0:14:50 > 0:14:53Remember that hotel we visited that had zero stars
0:14:53 > 0:14:57- and was described as a cesspit? - I do.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01- Never had a better holiday. - THEY LAUGH
0:15:03 > 0:15:04You're watching Hacker Time.
0:15:04 > 0:15:08Brought to you in association with Auntie Marigold's Trump Tablets -
0:15:08 > 0:15:11- for bottoms, they're tops! - HE BREAKS WIND
0:15:11 > 0:15:14Mr Derek.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17Every time I have a little break.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19Yes, Herman?
0:15:19 > 0:15:22I was wondering, is there any chance I could have an on-screen role?
0:15:22 > 0:15:24Certainly.
0:15:24 > 0:15:28You can have this bread roll that was on screen earlier.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31Oh, no, I mean can I have a go at presenting the show?
0:15:31 > 0:15:33I'm a much better interviewer than Hacker.
0:15:33 > 0:15:37- Prove it.- So, for example, if I were to interview this...
0:15:38 > 0:15:42..this water cooler, I'd ask it the following questions.
0:15:42 > 0:15:46How many litres of water do you dispense a day?
0:15:47 > 0:15:51What is the highest number of bubbles that you have produced?
0:15:52 > 0:15:55Do you favour plastic or paper cups?
0:16:00 > 0:16:05Oh, Herman, that was amazing, extraordinary, fascinating.
0:16:05 > 0:16:06Thank you very much.
0:16:06 > 0:16:09This water cooler would make a brilliant guest on Hacker Time.
0:16:09 > 0:16:12Come on, water cooler, let's discuss your contract.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14Hu-hu!
0:16:14 > 0:16:17- HE SIGHS - Keep reaching for the stars, Herman.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19Reaching for the stars.
0:16:21 > 0:16:25Coming back to studio in three, two, one...
0:16:25 > 0:16:27And cue!
0:16:27 > 0:16:28You're a brilliant guest,
0:16:28 > 0:16:32but there's one thing I've always wanted to know about you,
0:16:32 > 0:16:34how many litres do you dispense a day?
0:16:37 > 0:16:38Oh, this isn't working.
0:16:40 > 0:16:44- Steph, get back here. Come on, cocker.- I'm coming.
0:16:44 > 0:16:46You talk about money a lot, but what would you do
0:16:46 > 0:16:49if you had all the riches in the world?
0:16:49 > 0:16:53Well, I'd like to think I would do something lovely with it like maybe,
0:16:53 > 0:16:55you know, provide money for the poor,
0:16:55 > 0:16:58but I'd probably spend a fair bit of it on shoes as well, to be honest.
0:16:58 > 0:17:01Good thinking. I know what I would do if I was rich beyond belief.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06# I'd eat meat paste off golden plates
0:17:06 > 0:17:08# Save my cash at higher interest rates
0:17:08 > 0:17:10# Sail my yacht and hit the slopes
0:17:10 > 0:17:13# Buy even more little brown envelopes
0:17:13 > 0:17:15# I'd fill my house with nylon towels
0:17:15 > 0:17:17# Purchase seven diamante owls
0:17:17 > 0:17:19# I'd book my flight and pack my case
0:17:19 > 0:17:21# And finally get out of this grim workplace. #
0:17:21 > 0:17:22See you, losers.
0:17:22 > 0:17:28# I'd buy a bigger van. #
0:17:28 > 0:17:29What about me?
0:17:29 > 0:17:32# Well, I'd send you... #
0:17:32 > 0:17:33Yes?
0:17:33 > 0:17:36# To Turkmenistan. #
0:17:36 > 0:17:38Wilf!
0:17:38 > 0:17:42# I'd use my vast reserves of dough to fund my very own TV show
0:17:42 > 0:17:47# I'd use my vast reserves of sway so it never sees the light of day
0:17:47 > 0:17:51# Our lives would be so sublime cos that would be the end of Hacker Time
0:17:51 > 0:17:53# We wouldn't have to make this trash
0:17:53 > 0:17:55# If we only had a bit of cash
0:17:55 > 0:17:58# We wouldn't have to make this trash if we only had a bit of...
0:17:58 > 0:18:01# Only had a bit of... Only had a bit of cash! #
0:18:01 > 0:18:04Huh-hu!
0:18:04 > 0:18:07- What do you think about that, cockers?- That was amazing.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09- Proper catchy. - It was dead good, weren't it?
0:18:09 > 0:18:11- BELL RINGS - That's lunch. Are you hungry, Steph?
0:18:11 > 0:18:12I'm starving.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14In that case, I hope you've brought your own sandwiches,
0:18:14 > 0:18:17you're not freeloading from our catering van. See you.
0:18:21 > 0:18:23All right, it's not a race, it's not a race.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27Oh, what about me?
0:18:28 > 0:18:30THEY SHOUT EXCITEDLY
0:18:34 > 0:18:37Ahhh!
0:18:38 > 0:18:42Wilfred, I've made a decision. We need to start doing deliveries.
0:18:42 > 0:18:46Right ahead of you. This is the third baby I've delivered today.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48I'm part-timing as a midwife.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50No, I mean food deliveries.
0:18:50 > 0:18:53Look, I've set up a website
0:18:53 > 0:18:57so that people can call in their orders online.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00Pretty soon, this computer will start pinging away.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02REPEATED PINGS
0:19:02 > 0:19:06- See.- Sorry, I'm also part-timing as a triangle player in an orchestra.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11Forget the computer. Maybe we'll get a call instead.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13- Well, the phone is ringing.- Really?
0:19:13 > 0:19:17Yeah, it's wringing wet look. I dropped it in the sink earlier.
0:19:17 > 0:19:19It's not easy holding three jobs and a phone.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21- Wilf... - PHONE RINGS
0:19:21 > 0:19:23Oh, a customer.
0:19:24 > 0:19:27Hello, Breadbin Deliveries.
0:19:27 > 0:19:31Yeah, I'd like to order the lobster thermidor and mushy peas, please.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34- Certainly. Where are you? - Right next to you.
0:19:34 > 0:19:38I've been waiting for you to serve me for the last five minutes.
0:19:38 > 0:19:42Oh, I'm sorry, we don't deliver that far.
0:19:42 > 0:19:43Now get lost!
0:19:45 > 0:19:49Hey, do you know, this might be our best idea yet.
0:19:49 > 0:19:51I'll fire up the van.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53# Van, van, van, van, van-van
0:19:53 > 0:19:54# Vans are great. #
0:19:56 > 0:20:01And now we present an informative sketch on how to make money.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04It's Hacker and Steph in Pocket Money Pooch.
0:20:09 > 0:20:12Right, Hacker, you and I have one thing in common,
0:20:12 > 0:20:14we both want to be rich.
0:20:14 > 0:20:17I know. Rich is such a great guy, look at him.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20- Who wouldn't want to be him? - It's a shame he's so poor.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22I can't even afford clothes.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26But we also want to make lots of money,
0:20:26 > 0:20:29so we need to come up with the next big invention.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32Don't worry, I've created the best thing since sliced bread.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34What is it?
0:20:34 > 0:20:37- Unsliced bread.- Ba dum tsss!
0:20:37 > 0:20:40Oi! That's my on-screen roll.
0:20:40 > 0:20:43No, we need to think of something people actually need.
0:20:43 > 0:20:44I've got it...
0:20:44 > 0:20:47Bread again. People need bread.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49They kneed it with their hands. Do you get it?
0:20:49 > 0:20:52Kneed. Need. Oh, please yourself.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55No, have you actually ever invented anything?
0:20:55 > 0:20:58Yes. I introduced the world to the selfie stick.
0:20:58 > 0:21:01- Did you?- Yeah. Here she is now.
0:21:01 > 0:21:07Out of my way, losers. It's all about me, me, me!
0:21:07 > 0:21:10No, that's not a SELFIE stick, that's a SELFISH stick.
0:21:10 > 0:21:14So? Those selfish sticks have really taken off.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16- Really?- We've got branches everywhere.
0:21:16 > 0:21:17- Ba dum tsss!- Get out!
0:21:17 > 0:21:19Have you actually got any ideas?
0:21:19 > 0:21:21Well, I have had a brainwave.
0:21:21 > 0:21:22- Have you?- Yeah, look.
0:21:24 > 0:21:27Hacker, you really need to start thinking outside the box.
0:21:27 > 0:21:32I can't. I'm stuck inside this box of comedy props from this sketch.
0:21:32 > 0:21:34Seriously, though, if you carry on like this,
0:21:34 > 0:21:37- you're never going to make the big bucks.- But I have.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40I've written this big book about how I escaped from that box.
0:21:40 > 0:21:44- That's it, I'm off.- But, Steph, I have actually invented something.
0:21:44 > 0:21:47- A real-life time machine. - That's amazing.
0:21:47 > 0:21:52Yeah, look, this wristwatch. What an amazing time machine.
0:21:52 > 0:21:55Hacker, wristwatches have already been invented.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58Oh, in that case, there's only one thing for it.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01I'll go back in time and invent them myself
0:22:01 > 0:22:05using this time machine that I've also just invented. Good day.
0:22:05 > 0:22:08# Da-da-da-da-da, di-di-di-di-di, time! #
0:22:08 > 0:22:10What has happened to my career?
0:22:12 > 0:22:15Father, what would you do if you had a time machine?
0:22:15 > 0:22:17I'd go back to before this episode started
0:22:17 > 0:22:21- and switch over to Bargain Hunt. - Good choice.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23If you're a fan of high-quality singing,
0:22:23 > 0:22:26look away now and close those ears.
0:22:26 > 0:22:29It's time for Lost And Found...
0:22:29 > 0:22:30And Lost Again.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37Oh, I can't do it.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40I just can't come up with an original song.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42How do you do it, Luke?
0:22:42 > 0:22:43I'll tell you.
0:22:43 > 0:22:46# Song writing is so easy
0:22:46 > 0:22:48# Take some words and make them cheesy
0:22:48 > 0:22:50# Try to make them rhyme
0:22:50 > 0:22:52# I'd like to, but I don't have the capacity
0:22:52 > 0:22:54# Once you've found your catchy tune
0:22:54 > 0:22:56# You will get there pretty soon
0:22:56 > 0:22:58# I think I've written my first song
0:22:58 > 0:23:00# Blah-blah, blah-blah Was that wrong?
0:23:00 > 0:23:02# You need to find some inspiration
0:23:02 > 0:23:04# Cure my writer's constipation
0:23:04 > 0:23:06# I can smell your desperation. #
0:23:06 > 0:23:09- That's not my desperation, cocker. - Urgh!
0:23:09 > 0:23:11# Tried to write myself a ballad
0:23:11 > 0:23:13# About a sad and lonely mallard
0:23:13 > 0:23:15# Got distracted by this salad. #
0:23:15 > 0:23:17It's full of fibre, which is good for constipation.
0:23:17 > 0:23:21# Listen to some jazz or rock to help you lift your writer's block
0:23:21 > 0:23:23# What's that smell? Is that your sock? #
0:23:23 > 0:23:25No, that's my desperation.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27# Right that does it, time to quit
0:23:27 > 0:23:29# You've got no rhythm, skill or wit
0:23:29 > 0:23:31# But wait, I've found myself a hit. #
0:23:31 > 0:23:33Oh, really? What's the theme?
0:23:33 > 0:23:36# It's not about love or emotion
0:23:36 > 0:23:38# Heartbreak, triumph or devotion
0:23:38 > 0:23:40# This song's about my bowel motions
0:23:40 > 0:23:43# Bowel motions! #
0:23:43 > 0:23:46HE BREAKS WIND
0:23:48 > 0:23:52And now we come to the climax of the show,
0:23:52 > 0:23:54the quiz that we like to call...
0:23:54 > 0:23:57# Beam My Guest
0:23:57 > 0:24:01# Beam My Guest
0:24:01 > 0:24:04- ALL:- # Beam My Guest
0:24:04 > 0:24:06# Beam My Guest. #
0:24:07 > 0:24:12Yes, Stephanie Arnold McGovern, how much would you like to go home?
0:24:13 > 0:24:15- This much.- That's a big amount, cocker.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17Well, now's your chance.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19You are standing in my state-of-the-art teleporter,
0:24:19 > 0:24:22which I failed to mention when we were inventing things earlier.
0:24:22 > 0:24:24Very good, it looks and feels quite nice, actually.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26I'm going to ask you a series of questions.
0:24:26 > 0:24:29Get enough answers right and you'll be beamed back home.
0:24:29 > 0:24:32Fail miserably however and you go somewhere horrific.
0:24:32 > 0:24:34- How does that sound? - Where's horrific?
0:24:34 > 0:24:36- You'll find out later, cockers. - Oh, no.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38The time will end when you hear this sound...
0:24:38 > 0:24:41WATER COOLER GURGLES
0:24:41 > 0:24:43- Are you ready?- I'm ready.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45In that case, start the clock.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48Complete the name of this BBC Breakfast programme.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50- BBC...- Breakfast.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52No. It's BBC News At Ten.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54I watch it at breakfast time on catch up.
0:24:54 > 0:24:56What does FTSE stand for?
0:24:56 > 0:24:59It stands for the Financial Times Stock Exchange.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01No. Footsie stands for about three hours
0:25:01 > 0:25:04before its leggsy gets tiredsy.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06Time for a new item called
0:25:06 > 0:25:09What's Louise Minchin Going To Minchin Next?
0:25:09 > 0:25:12Here's your BBC Breakfast colleague, Louise Minchin.
0:25:12 > 0:25:16You just have to tell us what she's going to Minchin next.
0:25:16 > 0:25:19Good morning, I'm Louise Minchin and you're watching...
0:25:21 > 0:25:22Breakfast.
0:25:22 > 0:25:24Let's see if you're right.
0:25:24 > 0:25:27Good morning, I'm Louise Minchin and you're watching...
0:25:27 > 0:25:28a new item, which we like to call
0:25:28 > 0:25:31What's Louise Minchin Going To Minchin Next.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33You were wrong, cocker.
0:25:33 > 0:25:35Whose face appears on a £5 note?
0:25:35 > 0:25:37- Elizabeth Fry.- No.
0:25:37 > 0:25:41Wilf's face appears on a £5 note every night.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44He sleeps on a £5 note because he can't afford a bed.
0:25:44 > 0:25:46HE MUMBLES
0:25:47 > 0:25:49It's the picture round.
0:25:49 > 0:25:53We've disguised one of your Breakfast colleagues, but who is it?
0:25:54 > 0:25:56Charlie Stayt.
0:25:56 > 0:25:59No, it's Albert Breakfast Face, who works in the office.
0:25:59 > 0:26:03He actually has a continental breakfast for a face.
0:26:05 > 0:26:08Time's up. How did she score, Lorraine?
0:26:08 > 0:26:11Well, I don't know, I wasn't watching that rubbish.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13Wow! That's our highest score yet.
0:26:13 > 0:26:15- That means you're going home, Steph. - Yes!
0:26:15 > 0:26:17- What do you think about that, cocker?- Get in!
0:26:17 > 0:26:20- Looking forward to it. - Time to Beam My Guest.
0:26:20 > 0:26:24Herman, make sure you pull the right lever.
0:26:24 > 0:26:28- I will, Mr Hacker. I will. - HE LAUGHS
0:26:30 > 0:26:32Ah! No! No!
0:26:34 > 0:26:36Let me out.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38I don't know where she's gone, but I'm sure she'll be fine.
0:26:41 > 0:26:44HE GRUNTS AND GRUMBLES
0:26:44 > 0:26:46That's almost it for today.
0:26:46 > 0:26:49I'm off to listen to some inaccessible jazz on Radio 2.
0:26:49 > 0:26:52But first, there's a small matter of my lovely end song.
0:26:52 > 0:26:53Sing along if you want to.
0:26:53 > 0:26:54I mean, you don't have to.
0:26:59 > 0:27:02# That is it for now, the end of the show
0:27:02 > 0:27:04# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go
0:27:04 > 0:27:06# I'll see you next time on this show of mine
0:27:06 > 0:27:09# Put it in your diary - it's called Hacker Time
0:27:09 > 0:27:11# It's been amazing, there's been joy, fun and laughter
0:27:11 > 0:27:13# This could be the year we win our first BAFTA
0:27:13 > 0:27:16# Join us again next time cos we've got much more
0:27:16 > 0:27:19# There'll be tons of other funny stuff - it will be top drawer
0:27:19 > 0:27:23# Steph McGovern popped along to talk about Pocket Money
0:27:23 > 0:27:26# She did a little Irish jig and got hit by a wrecking ball
0:27:26 > 0:27:28# Which you have to admit was terribly funny
0:27:28 > 0:27:30# That is it for now, the end of the show
0:27:30 > 0:27:32# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go
0:27:32 > 0:27:35# I'll see you next time on this show of mine
0:27:35 > 0:27:38# Put it in your diary - it's called Hacker Time
0:27:38 > 0:27:40# Put it in your diary - it's called Hacker Time
0:27:40 > 0:27:43# That is the end of today's Hacker Time! #
0:27:45 > 0:27:47Gu-gu-gu-gu-gu, see ya!