0:00:02 > 0:00:05OK, one minute to on air, everyone!
0:00:05 > 0:00:07OK, everyone. Before the show starts,
0:00:07 > 0:00:09I've got a load of mail from the fans to hand out.
0:00:09 > 0:00:12- Here you go, Lolly.- Oh!
0:00:12 > 0:00:16- Well, I never usually get anything! - Oh, it's not for you!
0:00:16 > 0:00:19They're just today's viewer complaints. You can answer them!
0:00:19 > 0:00:21- Typical.- Wilf!
0:00:21 > 0:00:24- Hello?- Here's your post.
0:00:24 > 0:00:28Great! I've been meaning to finish off that fence. Thanks.
0:00:28 > 0:00:31You all right, cocker? What have you got for me?
0:00:31 > 0:00:34Oh, loads of letters!
0:00:34 > 0:00:36On this eye chart!
0:00:36 > 0:00:38Oh, great. I need an eye test.
0:00:38 > 0:00:40Ow! Duhhhhh....
0:00:41 > 0:00:43Any for me, Mr Derek?
0:00:43 > 0:00:44Of course not, Herman!
0:00:44 > 0:00:48- But you've got loads! Who are they for?- It's all fan mail.
0:00:48 > 0:00:50LOUD WHIRRING
0:00:50 > 0:00:54They're mainly electricity bills, because it won't turn off.
0:00:54 > 0:00:57- Run the titles!- Ohhh!- Ohhh!
0:01:30 > 0:01:31OK, stand by, everyone.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34We're on air in five, four...
0:01:34 > 0:01:37Wilf, is the celebrity guest here?
0:01:37 > 0:01:39She's just coming now.
0:01:41 > 0:01:42Hi! I'm Michelle Hardwick,
0:01:42 > 0:01:45I'm here for my serious interview about Emmerdale.
0:01:45 > 0:01:49Certainly, madam. But, er, don't you need the toilet first?
0:01:49 > 0:01:51- No, not really.- Oh, come on.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54- You can always make time for a toilet break.- But I don't need it.
0:01:54 > 0:01:57You might as well squeeze a bit out.
0:01:57 > 0:01:58What's...?
0:02:00 > 0:02:02Ready, Hacker!
0:02:02 > 0:02:05Time toi-let her in!
0:02:05 > 0:02:07AAAAAGH!
0:02:09 > 0:02:11HE WHISTLES
0:02:12 > 0:02:16SHE SCREAMS
0:02:16 > 0:02:19Ladies and gentlemen, it's actress Michelle Hardwick,
0:02:19 > 0:02:22AKA Vanessa from Emmerdale!
0:02:22 > 0:02:23SHE SCREAMS
0:02:26 > 0:02:29Hey, welcome to Hacker Time!
0:02:29 > 0:02:32No way, no. I am not doing this.
0:02:32 > 0:02:33Oh, come on, Michelle!
0:02:33 > 0:02:36You know what Emmerdale's like - explosions, fires and storms.
0:02:36 > 0:02:40You're much safer here, you know. Nothing dangerous ever happens.
0:02:40 > 0:02:44- Good point, yeah. All right, I'll stick around for a while.- Yeah.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47KLAXON BLARES Oh! Oh, no!
0:02:47 > 0:02:50I've never heard that before!
0:02:50 > 0:02:51I'm sure it'll be fine.
0:02:51 > 0:02:54Quick, Derek! Run the fact file!
0:02:54 > 0:02:55Yes, Mr H.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00- They've took me brother and made him into a pizza!- 'What's this?
0:03:00 > 0:03:01'Wrong button.'
0:03:01 > 0:03:03'Who's that?
0:03:03 > 0:03:07Oh, it's him again! This is right. Michelle Hardwick
0:03:07 > 0:03:10plays a chequered-shirt-wearing vet on Emmerdale.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13Her character, Vanessa, is often found looking annoyed
0:03:13 > 0:03:15with her hands on her hips...
0:03:15 > 0:03:17Looking annoyed with her hands on her hips...
0:03:17 > 0:03:19Or if she's really pushing the boat out,
0:03:19 > 0:03:21looking annoyed with her hands folded.
0:03:21 > 0:03:24You should move away from Emmerdale, Michelle,
0:03:24 > 0:03:26it's clearly a very annoying place to be.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29That's a bit of what you need to know about Michelle Hardwick.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32Hold on, she's put her hands on her hips and she's not even annoyed!
0:03:32 > 0:03:34I can't cope!
0:03:34 > 0:03:37That's the alarm carefully turned off.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40Now, Michelle, you act on a SOAP.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43- Yes, I do.- Must be difficult. Do you ever SLIP OVER?
0:03:43 > 0:03:45Ha-ha!
0:03:45 > 0:03:48Just one of the many weak soap jokes coming up on the show today.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50Larry, tell us what will accompany them, cocker.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52Certainly, Hacker!
0:03:52 > 0:03:56Here's what else is coming up, bar the soap gags.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58Expect dramatic revelations...
0:03:58 > 0:04:01Who told you my middle name?
0:04:01 > 0:04:04- These people screaming a bit... - WAAAAGH!- WAAAAGH!
0:04:04 > 0:04:08..and Hacker doing that head-banging thing.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10Try not to turn off!
0:04:11 > 0:04:13Now, Michelle,
0:04:13 > 0:04:15it's time for my big interview.
0:04:15 > 0:04:18- Are you ready, cocker? - I am.- Belting!
0:04:18 > 0:04:21All right, question one. You play Yvette on Emmerdale.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24What is your character, Yvette, like?
0:04:24 > 0:04:28No, I play a vet called Vanessa.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30Then who is Yvette?
0:04:30 > 0:04:34- I'm Yvette! - Oh, and what's YOUR name?
0:04:34 > 0:04:36No, no, no. My name is Yvette.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38Oh, so you're not a vet, then?
0:04:38 > 0:04:41Oh, yes. But I am also a veterinarian.
0:04:41 > 0:04:44Get out! We've already got one fraudulent vet on this show.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46Go on, off you pop!
0:04:47 > 0:04:49Sorry about that. Right, Michelle.
0:04:49 > 0:04:53I'm told that you enjoy singing in your spare time.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56Yeah, I do a bit of karaoke now and again.
0:04:56 > 0:04:59What do you enjoy singing the most? Soap operas?
0:04:59 > 0:05:02Ha-ha-ha!
0:05:02 > 0:05:04- You get it?- Very good, I do get it.
0:05:04 > 0:05:08It was a joke. Michelle, I have to say,
0:05:08 > 0:05:12on Emmerdale, the camera absolutely loves you.
0:05:12 > 0:05:16- Oh, thank you. - Yeah. And here it is now!
0:05:16 > 0:05:18Oh, marry me, Michelle!
0:05:19 > 0:05:22- OK, I'll marry you!- Ohhh!
0:05:22 > 0:05:23Hey, I've been wondering.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26Who is your best friend on the set of Emmerdale?
0:05:26 > 0:05:30My best friend is probably Zoe Henry, who plays Rona.
0:05:30 > 0:05:34Rona! I can tell you that my best friend on the set of Hacker Time
0:05:34 > 0:05:37is... Herman?
0:05:37 > 0:05:39Oh, Mr Hacker!
0:05:39 > 0:05:42Oh, I never thought you thought of me that way!
0:05:42 > 0:05:46No, no. I wanted you to get me best friend, the camera that was just on.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49Yes, Mr Hacker. Hello, Michelle.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51Off you pop, Herman. Oi, Hardwick.
0:05:51 > 0:05:55Remember when I was an actor on Emmerdale
0:05:55 > 0:05:58and you disturbed my character's beauty sleep?
0:05:58 > 0:06:01- No.- Well, have a gander at this!
0:06:03 > 0:06:06Hey! What are you doing here? I was having a right good nap there.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08Your door was open. I knocked.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10Is there something wrong with your boiler?
0:06:10 > 0:06:13My boil? How dare you?!
0:06:13 > 0:06:16I'll have you know, this is a beauty spot.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19I got you this. Only the best for Tootsie, eh?
0:06:19 > 0:06:22Tootsie? Who told you my middle name?
0:06:22 > 0:06:25You owe me £2.61p. They don't give it away, do they?
0:06:25 > 0:06:27That's it! First you break in,
0:06:27 > 0:06:29and now you try and sell me rancid meat produce.
0:06:29 > 0:06:32Go on, sling your hook! GRRR-RRR!
0:06:32 > 0:06:34OK, sorry.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38Oi! You left your bag!
0:06:38 > 0:06:40Oh, look!
0:06:40 > 0:06:42Rancid meat produce.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44My favourite!
0:06:44 > 0:06:48- That's so good.- I spent hours doing that. Now, cocker,
0:06:48 > 0:06:51is it true that you were a member of the Emmerdale fan club
0:06:51 > 0:06:55- from a very young age?- Yes. Where did you read that?
0:06:55 > 0:06:58I read it, cocker. Doesn't matter where. I read it with me eyes.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00That's how you read stuff.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02Well, do you know there's a Hacker Time fan club?
0:07:02 > 0:07:05- Is there?- Yeah. Would you like to join it?- I'd love to join, please.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08Belting. You get this free hat and pencil case.
0:07:08 > 0:07:13There you are. It's literally a club for people that like fans.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15Very good. So, Michelle,
0:07:15 > 0:07:18you've got two pet cockerpoos.
0:07:18 > 0:07:22- Yes.- What are they a cross between? - It's a cocker spaniel and a poodle.
0:07:22 > 0:07:27Well, I'm cross between 7.00 and 7.30 on weekday evenings.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29Because Emmerdale's on.
0:07:29 > 0:07:32I'm just kidding. I've never watched it.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35Now, on Emmerdale, there's always a commercial break in the episode,
0:07:35 > 0:07:37which allows you time for a breather.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40So I thought we'd have one on this show.
0:07:40 > 0:07:44That's the end of part one, see you after the break.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55So, Hacker, where are you from, originally?
0:07:55 > 0:07:58Don't speak to me when the cameras aren't rolling.
0:08:03 > 0:08:07And we're back in three, two, one...
0:08:07 > 0:08:09Hacker Time.
0:08:09 > 0:08:11Ha-ha, ha-ha.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13Welcome back.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16Yvette and I were having a lovely little chat about our home life.
0:08:16 > 0:08:21Anyway, it seems as though Emmerdale always has a dramatic cliffhanger.
0:08:21 > 0:08:25Well, we have a dramatic cliffhanger on this show, too.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27Ooh, I'm Cliff,
0:08:27 > 0:08:28and I've got absolutely nothing
0:08:28 > 0:08:31to wear out tonight! Ohhh...
0:08:32 > 0:08:34So now it's the end of the interview.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37Here is my dramatic end.
0:08:37 > 0:08:44PHHH-RRR-TTT!
0:08:44 > 0:08:45Someone get the fan!
0:08:45 > 0:08:48Larry, cut to summat else!
0:08:48 > 0:08:49Now on Hacker Time,
0:08:49 > 0:08:54love is in the air in today's edition of the Accommodation Place.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00Enjoy a stay by the calming sea.
0:09:00 > 0:09:03Experience a warm welcome...
0:09:03 > 0:09:06- Madam...- Oh, get out of the way!
0:09:08 > 0:09:11And indulge in gourmet food.
0:09:11 > 0:09:14This isn't just any accommodation place.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16This is THE Accommodation Place.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23It's Valentine's Day
0:09:23 > 0:09:27at the Best Opulent Tiptop Ostentatious Metropolitan Hotel -
0:09:27 > 0:09:29B.O.T.T.O.M.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31As it's Valentine's Day,
0:09:31 > 0:09:35we've decided to add a touch of romance to our normal proceedings.
0:09:35 > 0:09:40Here's your solo-occupancy room, madam, you depressing singleton.
0:09:40 > 0:09:44Heh-heh. It's all right, I put some roses on the bed.
0:09:44 > 0:09:46AAAGH!
0:09:46 > 0:09:49Oh, I forgot to take off the thorny stems.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51What am I like?!
0:09:51 > 0:09:54There's even a specially crafted Valentine's Day menu
0:09:54 > 0:09:56in my restaurant.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58Here's your beating heart.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00Hoo-hoo!
0:10:00 > 0:10:01HEARTBEATS
0:10:01 > 0:10:03THEY SCREAM
0:10:03 > 0:10:06Over in reception, Tony Giblet and Susan Earwax
0:10:06 > 0:10:09are discussing whether the romantic touches
0:10:09 > 0:10:12have indeed touched the hotel romantically.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15Wonderful idea, Susan, putting chocolate mints on the pillows.
0:10:15 > 0:10:18- They're delicious. - They're not chocolate mints.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20They're chocolate oranges.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22Oh, right.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25From my bottom.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28Yeah, the B.O.T.T.O.M Hotel storage cupboard.
0:10:30 > 0:10:33Let's hope I got the right box, because for some reason we stacked
0:10:33 > 0:10:35them next to one another in the same cupboard.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38HE SPITS What are you doing?
0:10:38 > 0:10:40I'm putting on a special speed-dating event
0:10:40 > 0:10:42to find myself a new man.
0:10:45 > 0:10:46Too small!
0:10:48 > 0:10:50Too furry!
0:10:51 > 0:10:53Too much of a cat.
0:10:54 > 0:10:55- Not enough of a cat.- Eh?
0:10:59 > 0:11:01Oh, hello.
0:11:01 > 0:11:05- This just arrived for you, Susan. - What's that? A Valentine's card?
0:11:05 > 0:11:08It doesn't say who it's from.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10Well, it's not from me.
0:11:10 > 0:11:14I find Valentine's Day a cynical ploy by greeting card companies
0:11:14 > 0:11:17to greedily prey on human emotions, just to turn a profit
0:11:17 > 0:11:20at an otherwise financially quiet time of year.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23Wilf, this Valentine's card just arrived for you.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26Ooh-hoo-hoo! Hot dog!
0:11:26 > 0:11:28HE SINGS WITH DELIGHT
0:11:31 > 0:11:34I wonder who it could be from.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36Blue pen. It's been written in blue pen.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39Susan? What do you think to my new blue pen?
0:11:39 > 0:11:42Blue pen! Blue pen! Hey!
0:11:42 > 0:11:45HE HUMS WITH DELIGHT
0:11:45 > 0:11:47Just finish writing my sentence.
0:11:52 > 0:11:56Onions. I really can't get enough of them.
0:11:56 > 0:12:00I know that Tony Giblet loves me, so I'm going to drop some really extra
0:12:00 > 0:12:03super-tiny little subtle hints.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08Coo-ee!
0:12:08 > 0:12:15# I want to be loved by you Just you, nobody else but you
0:12:15 > 0:12:19# I want to be loved by you.... #
0:12:19 > 0:12:20I may have been too subtle.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23# Boo-boo be do! #
0:12:23 > 0:12:25No? No.
0:12:27 > 0:12:33And now for dessert - a nice big hug in a mug.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36Get off. Get off.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39GET OFF!
0:12:39 > 0:12:41Back at the speed-dating event...
0:12:41 > 0:12:44Too flat-faced.
0:12:44 > 0:12:45Huh?
0:12:45 > 0:12:47You!
0:12:47 > 0:12:50You're the one I've been looking for.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52HEAVENLY CHOIR SINGS
0:12:54 > 0:12:57What a lovely Valentine's Day this has been.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00I can really see that love is in the air. Whoo-hoo!
0:13:00 > 0:13:04- Oh, careful, Miss Love. - Can't you read the sign?
0:13:06 > 0:13:08Susan?
0:13:08 > 0:13:10Can I give you a sloppy quiche?
0:13:10 > 0:13:14Tony! I knew you liked me all along.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16Sloppy quiche. From the restaurant.
0:13:16 > 0:13:20There's been a cancellation, so it needs eating.
0:13:20 > 0:13:23You didn't think I wanted to... kiss you, did you?
0:13:23 > 0:13:26I'd rather kiss... a mackerel's armpit.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29Ohh! But Tony, if you're not my secret admirer,
0:13:29 > 0:13:32then who sent me this Valentine's card?
0:13:32 > 0:13:35Just here to check out.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37Sure thing. Have a nice day.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39Goodbye.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42I suppose we'll never know my secret admirer.
0:13:42 > 0:13:45- EMOTIONAL:- Goodbye...my love.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52And remember, love makes the world go round.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55That and the conservation of angular momentum.
0:13:58 > 0:14:02I remember being on a date back in the late 1970s.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04Oh, tell me about it, Father.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07It was a bag of 20 that I grew on after they were left in the kitchen
0:14:07 > 0:14:09drawer for too long.
0:14:10 > 0:14:14You're watching Hacker Time and now you can join the fan club.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16Unfortunately, we've run out of pencils.
0:14:16 > 0:14:20So to join, just send £4 million to...
0:14:20 > 0:14:23Mr Derek.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25No rest for the wicked.
0:14:25 > 0:14:29- Yes, Herman? - I've got an idea for a new soap.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32Great! That stuff in the gents needs replacing, so that's good.
0:14:32 > 0:14:38No, no, it's a new soap opera that you can produce,
0:14:38 > 0:14:41starring an up-and-coming presenter-slash-actor.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44Let's call him Herman.
0:14:44 > 0:14:49He overcomes many obstacles in his life to become the biggest star
0:14:49 > 0:14:53- in the world. - Oh, Herman, it's a great idea!
0:14:53 > 0:14:57- Let's do it! - Oh, thank you, Mr Derek.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00- Yes, but I'd like to make one small change.- What's that?
0:15:00 > 0:15:03The main character, Herman, he sounds like a total loser.
0:15:03 > 0:15:08I'd replace him with a successful TV producer called Derek McGee.
0:15:08 > 0:15:12Ooh, in fact, I'm going to go and produce it now and make a fortune.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15Now go and change the soap in the gents.
0:15:15 > 0:15:16HOO-HOO!
0:15:18 > 0:15:20One day at a time, Herman.
0:15:20 > 0:15:23One day at a time.
0:15:23 > 0:15:27Coming back to studio in three, two, one...
0:15:27 > 0:15:28And cue.
0:15:28 > 0:15:33Now, cocker, who is the longest-running family in Emmerdale?
0:15:33 > 0:15:35Probably the Sugdens?
0:15:35 > 0:15:37Come off it, now. It's the Dingles.
0:15:37 > 0:15:39They've all run marathons. Ha-ha!
0:15:39 > 0:15:41Here is a little song about them.
0:15:45 > 0:15:49# First there was Jonah, who had two sons, Bert and Jedediah Dingle
0:15:49 > 0:15:54# Jeb had Shadrach, Albert, Zak Caleb, Ezra and Zebediah Dingle
0:15:54 > 0:15:58# Shadrach's daughter Chastity is known as Chaz Dingle
0:15:58 > 0:16:02# Albert's son is called Elijah and is the brother of Marlon Dingle
0:16:02 > 0:16:05# Zak had Butch, Ben, Sam Cain and Nathan
0:16:05 > 0:16:07# Tina and little Belle Dingle
0:16:07 > 0:16:09# Cain had a daughter called Debbie Dingle
0:16:09 > 0:16:11# Sam had a son called Samson Dingle
0:16:11 > 0:16:13# Caleb had a daughter Mandy Dingle
0:16:13 > 0:16:15# Zeb had Delilah and Lilith Dingle
0:16:15 > 0:16:17# Lilith had a quartet of young kids
0:16:17 > 0:16:19# Matthew, Mark, Luke and John Dingle
0:16:19 > 0:16:22# And back to Bert, he was one of the offspring of the original
0:16:22 > 0:16:24# Jonah Dingle
0:16:24 > 0:16:28# He had three sons Obadiah, Soloman and Elvis Dingle
0:16:28 > 0:16:33# Obadiah's daughter Charity had Moses and Noah Dingle
0:16:33 > 0:16:36# Elvis married Marilyn and had Daniel and Brando Dingle
0:16:36 > 0:16:38# Then there's Lulu Dingle
0:16:38 > 0:16:42# But it's not quite clear where she fits into the family tree. #
0:16:42 > 0:16:45What do you think of that, cocker?
0:16:45 > 0:16:47That was the best song I have ever heard.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49BELL RINGS
0:16:49 > 0:16:51That's lunch. Are you hungry, Michelle?
0:16:51 > 0:16:54- Oh, I'm starving, yeah. - Good luck with that. We're off.
0:16:56 > 0:16:58Come on.
0:16:58 > 0:17:01Oh, I wonder what's for pudding.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07Oh, great. Hello? Anyone?
0:17:14 > 0:17:20Wilf, from now on, you're only going to sell locally sourced produce.
0:17:20 > 0:17:25That means anything farmed from a local farm, we will sell.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27Oh, I found this on a farm.
0:17:27 > 0:17:30- Wilf! That's disgusting! - Don't worry,
0:17:30 > 0:17:32it's just a chocolate cake
0:17:32 > 0:17:35made by a local farmer.
0:17:35 > 0:17:40Oh, hello, I just wondered how free-range your eggs are.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43Oh, extremely. They've got acres of space to run around in.
0:17:43 > 0:17:44You'd be lucky to catch one.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47GIGGLING
0:17:47 > 0:17:49How about your chicken?
0:17:49 > 0:17:52Same for them. In fact, they are having a race right now.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54CLUCKING
0:17:54 > 0:17:56Who came first, the chicken or the egg?
0:17:56 > 0:17:58Don't know. Didn't see, mate.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01Are you sure all your products are locally sourced?
0:18:01 > 0:18:05Oh, yes. Most of them are within ten yards of this van.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07I got a load of stuff from that bin over there.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12Do you have anything actually grown on a farm?
0:18:12 > 0:18:15Yes, this farmer's son. He's on work experience.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18All right?
0:18:18 > 0:18:21Fine! I'll...have some chocolate cake.
0:18:21 > 0:18:23There you go, sir.
0:18:27 > 0:18:30Well, at least we sold the chocolate cake.
0:18:30 > 0:18:33What are you talking about? I've got it right here.
0:18:33 > 0:18:37But I can't find that steaming pile of cowpat I left under the counter.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39Oh, Wilf!
0:18:39 > 0:18:42I'll fire the work experience boy.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44BELL RINGS
0:18:46 > 0:18:48And now, from the newest soap opera,
0:18:48 > 0:18:53it's Hacker and Michelle in Emmerfail.
0:18:53 > 0:18:55THEME TUNE PLAYS
0:18:59 > 0:19:05Hacker, now, apparently, you are a newly qualified vet in my surgery.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08So what do you think we should do with the first patient?
0:19:08 > 0:19:12- Er...- You're going to have to make a quick decision, Hacker.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14- Um...- Hurry, Hacker!
0:19:14 > 0:19:16BEEPING
0:19:16 > 0:19:18Oh, no. It's too late.
0:19:18 > 0:19:22What are you on about? That'll just be my microwave steak done.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24HACKER HUMS
0:19:29 > 0:19:32- Look at that.- Hacker, you are not taking this seriously.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34You're right.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37I know what we have to do. Pass me the knife.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40This is going to be tough.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43Yeah, I left the steak in the microwave for far too long.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46Come on, Hacker, you need to tend to the patient.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48You're right, you're right.
0:19:48 > 0:19:52Orange cat? I'm afraid you haven't got much time left.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54So what do you think the problem is?
0:19:54 > 0:19:58I swiped all the THYME from his shopping bag to use on this steak.
0:19:58 > 0:20:03It's a herb! # Thyme and steak wait for no man. #
0:20:03 > 0:20:06Hacker, this is important.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08You've got to give me a diagnosis for this patient.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10All right, all right, all right.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12He's got worms.
0:20:12 > 0:20:15- Have I?- Finally, we're getting somewhere.
0:20:15 > 0:20:18- So what do you think we should do? - Well, here's a fishing rod.
0:20:18 > 0:20:20Maybe he can go and catch some fish.
0:20:20 > 0:20:23Ha-ha-ha! Off you pop.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25Next patient, please!
0:20:28 > 0:20:30You're looking a bit green.
0:20:30 > 0:20:33Well, I'm a tortoise. I'm supposed to be green.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35Oh, yeah!
0:20:36 > 0:20:38Hacker, if you want to know what's wrong with him,
0:20:38 > 0:20:42- why not just look at the chart? - Oh, good thinking, cocker, yeah.
0:20:42 > 0:20:43Oh, no!
0:20:43 > 0:20:46It says you're ill!
0:20:48 > 0:20:51No, that's his age.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53He's 111.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55Oh, yeah!
0:20:57 > 0:21:00Look, I've got a problem with me shell.
0:21:00 > 0:21:03Yeah, me too. She's a terrible actress, look at her.
0:21:03 > 0:21:06No, it's my shell, it's cracking up.
0:21:06 > 0:21:07Well, at least someone is.
0:21:07 > 0:21:11Am I right? Just take a closer look at the patient.
0:21:11 > 0:21:14I'll have to pick him up for this. Come here, then.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16Oh, I know what the problem is.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18I'm very sorry, but...
0:21:18 > 0:21:21I'm going to have to put you down.
0:21:21 > 0:21:24VIOLINS PLAY
0:21:24 > 0:21:26You're way too heavy. LOUD CRASH
0:21:26 > 0:21:29Hacker, we're going to have to put him in stitches.
0:21:29 > 0:21:33- Not likely with this sketch, is it, cockle?- Right, that's it.
0:21:33 > 0:21:35You are fired. You will never be a vet.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37Good! I don't want to be anyway.
0:21:37 > 0:21:39She's a right bore.
0:21:39 > 0:21:40How dare you?
0:21:44 > 0:21:45I once had a pet dog.
0:21:45 > 0:21:47But sadly, he passed.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49I'm so sorry, Father.
0:21:49 > 0:21:53No, he passed wind all the time.
0:21:53 > 0:21:55The smell really stayed with you.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57Ohhh...
0:22:02 > 0:22:05Now on Hacker Time, get ready to scream.
0:22:05 > 0:22:09There's a new boyband in town in today's Lost and Found...
0:22:09 > 0:22:11and Lost Again.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21Why are you lot dressed like that?
0:22:21 > 0:22:23Well, we're forming the next big boyband.
0:22:23 > 0:22:26- We're called...- ALL: The Damps.
0:22:26 > 0:22:29You'd never catch me listening to that mass-produced
0:22:29 > 0:22:30commercial rubbish.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32I'm all about REAL music.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34- Oh, yeah?- Mm.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40# Hey, girl, do you want to come with me?
0:22:40 > 0:22:43# I'd rather bathe in octopus's wee
0:22:43 > 0:22:46# Just buy our tour DVD
0:22:46 > 0:22:49# Oh, I'm distracted by things that are shiny
0:22:49 > 0:22:52# We'll sell you books and a smartphone case
0:22:52 > 0:22:54# I want to follow you through time and space
0:22:54 > 0:22:57# Because our lyrics, they ain't ace
0:22:57 > 0:23:00# I don't mind, now let me touch your face
0:23:00 > 0:23:02# Our songs are so mundane
0:23:02 > 0:23:05# But they suit the limits of my brain
0:23:05 > 0:23:08# My face is all I got
0:23:08 > 0:23:11# My hair's in a crazy knot
0:23:11 > 0:23:13# So go buy everything
0:23:13 > 0:23:16# Even this kitchen sink
0:23:16 > 0:23:22# I'll buy your fast-food fries cos you've got lovely eyes
0:23:22 > 0:23:25# Now please just make us rich
0:23:25 > 0:23:28# Before our careers hit a ditch
0:23:28 > 0:23:33# Hit a ditch, hit a ditch Hit a ditch, hit a ditch. #
0:23:33 > 0:23:35Yeah, hey-hey!
0:23:35 > 0:23:37Oh, take all my money!
0:23:37 > 0:23:40I'll love you for ever.
0:23:40 > 0:23:43What's this? A new boy band's just launched.
0:23:43 > 0:23:47You guys are so two minutes ago!
0:23:47 > 0:23:48Bye!
0:23:48 > 0:23:53And now, we come to the climax of the show,
0:23:53 > 0:23:56the quiz that we like to call...
0:23:56 > 0:23:59# Beam My Guest
0:23:59 > 0:24:02# Beam My Guest
0:24:02 > 0:24:05# Beam My Guest
0:24:05 > 0:24:08# Beam Guest My! #
0:24:08 > 0:24:11Michelle Hardwick, would you like to go home?
0:24:11 > 0:24:13Yeah, I'd quite like to go home, thanks.
0:24:13 > 0:24:17Now's your chance. You are standing in my state-of-the-art teleporting
0:24:17 > 0:24:19device. I'm going to ask you a series of questions.
0:24:19 > 0:24:22Get enough answers right and you'll be beamed back home.
0:24:22 > 0:24:25Fail miserably, however, and you will go somewhere horrific.
0:24:25 > 0:24:29- How does that sound?- Fingers crossed I get them right, Hacker.
0:24:29 > 0:24:33Get them crossed, cocker. The time will end when you hear this sound.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36We could honeymoon in Provence.
0:24:36 > 0:24:37Are you ready?
0:24:37 > 0:24:40- Ready.- In that case, start the clock.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43Complete the following - Emma...
0:24:43 > 0:24:45- Dale.- No, it's Emma Watson, sorry.
0:24:45 > 0:24:49What keeps me on the edge of my seat weekday evenings at 7pm?
0:24:49 > 0:24:50- Emma...- Dale.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52No, my Emma-roids.
0:24:54 > 0:24:55What is this?
0:24:55 > 0:24:58Ooh, I used to like tractors.
0:24:58 > 0:25:02- Fan?- No, it's an ex-tractor fan.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05An ex-tractor fan. He used to like tractors, now he doesn't.
0:25:05 > 0:25:08- Do you understand?- Yes.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11Rita, Norris and Gail are all associated with which soap?
0:25:11 > 0:25:14- Coronation Street.- No, it's lavender and honeysuckle.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16They love the stuff. They love it!
0:25:16 > 0:25:19They can't get enough, rubbing it in.
0:25:19 > 0:25:22Listen to this farmyard animal and tell me what it is.
0:25:22 > 0:25:23QUACKING
0:25:23 > 0:25:27- A duck!- No, it's a pig doing an impression of a duck.
0:25:27 > 0:25:30Listen to this farmyard animal and tell me what it is.
0:25:30 > 0:25:32GRUNTING
0:25:32 > 0:25:35- A horse? - No, it's a pig, isn't it?
0:25:35 > 0:25:36It's obviously a pig.
0:25:36 > 0:25:40It's a pig. What is Marlon's profession on Emmerdale?
0:25:40 > 0:25:42- He's a chef.- No, he's a character in a soap.
0:25:42 > 0:25:46He's not real! He's fictional, like that pig from earlier!
0:25:46 > 0:25:51This is a picture of someone who works on Emmerdale, but who is it?
0:25:51 > 0:25:52It is Sam Dingle.
0:25:52 > 0:25:55No, it is Barnaby Sheepface.
0:25:55 > 0:25:56He works in the production office.
0:25:56 > 0:26:00Have you never met him? Typical of you actors, that.
0:26:00 > 0:26:03Name one of the major disasters that have occurred in Emmerdale.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05Helicopter crash.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07No, your casting.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11You don't need three vets in such a small village.
0:26:11 > 0:26:14We could honeymoon in Provence.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17Time is up. How did she score, Lorraine?
0:26:17 > 0:26:18Huh?
0:26:19 > 0:26:23Wow, our highest score yet. That means you're going home, Michelle.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26- What do you think about that?- Yes! Thank goodness.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28Time to Beam My Guest.
0:26:28 > 0:26:33Oh, Herman, make sure you pull the lever sending Michelle home.
0:26:33 > 0:26:34I will, Mr Hacker.
0:26:34 > 0:26:36I will. Heh-heh.
0:26:41 > 0:26:46Oh, no... That was the wrong lever. Hacker, it was the wrong lever.
0:26:46 > 0:26:48Where are you taking me?!
0:26:48 > 0:26:51I don't know where she's gone but I'm sure she'll be fine.
0:26:55 > 0:26:57That's almost it for today.
0:26:57 > 0:26:59I'm off to strip the wallpaper in the spare room.
0:26:59 > 0:27:03But first, there's the small matter of my woeful end song.
0:27:03 > 0:27:04Join in, cocker!
0:27:10 > 0:27:12# That is it for now The end of the show
0:27:12 > 0:27:14# I need the lav now so I'm going to go
0:27:14 > 0:27:17# I'll see you next time on this show of mine
0:27:17 > 0:27:19# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time
0:27:19 > 0:27:22# It's been amazing, there's been joy, fun and laughter
0:27:22 > 0:27:24# This could be the year we win our first Bafta
0:27:24 > 0:27:26# Join us again next time cos we've got much more
0:27:26 > 0:27:29# There'll be tons of other funny stuff, it will be top drawer
0:27:29 > 0:27:31# Michelle Hardwick popped along
0:27:31 > 0:27:34# It's the first time that we've met
0:27:34 > 0:27:36# She's an actor in Emmerdale
0:27:36 > 0:27:39# And I frustrated her with my ways so she fired me from being a vet
0:27:39 > 0:27:41# That is it for now The end of the show
0:27:41 > 0:27:43# I need the lav now so I'm going to go
0:27:43 > 0:27:46# I'll see you next time on this show of mine
0:27:46 > 0:27:48# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time
0:27:48 > 0:27:51# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time
0:27:51 > 0:27:54# That is the end of today's Hacker Time! #
0:27:54 > 0:27:58Oh, the show's ended, and I've still got nothing to wear!