0:00:03 > 0:00:07OK, one minute to on-air, everyone.
0:00:08 > 0:00:11People, it's the day of the annual Hacker Time Bake Off.
0:00:11 > 0:00:13Lolly, have you made anything?
0:00:13 > 0:00:14Oh, get lost, Derek.
0:00:14 > 0:00:16Ooh, but I asked you too.
0:00:16 > 0:00:18No, no, no. I have made something.
0:00:20 > 0:00:22This cake!
0:00:22 > 0:00:25With "Get lost, Derek" iced on top.
0:00:25 > 0:00:26Ooh, how thoughtful.
0:00:27 > 0:00:30Wilf, have you made anything for the bake off?
0:00:30 > 0:00:33Eh, the bake off? I thought you said cake off.
0:00:33 > 0:00:36Well, that humorous misunderstanding does still work.
0:00:36 > 0:00:39It doesn't. I've made a cake...
0:00:39 > 0:00:40of soap.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43But I have iced the words "Get lost, Derek" on the top.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45Ooh, how thoughtful.
0:00:47 > 0:00:52- Hacker, how's your choux bun coming along?- Oh, terrible!
0:00:52 > 0:00:54It's stuck to me shoe.
0:00:54 > 0:00:57DEREK SLURPS
0:00:57 > 0:01:00Never mind, the chocolate tastes delightful.
0:01:00 > 0:01:03Actually, the choux bun is stuck to me other shoe.
0:01:03 > 0:01:06Uh! So that means that I've just eaten...
0:01:06 > 0:01:10Yes, a slice of chocolate cake that I also stepped in.
0:01:10 > 0:01:14Ooh, thank goodness for that. Run the titles.
0:01:18 > 0:01:19# You gonna watch this?
0:01:22 > 0:01:23# You gotta watch this!
0:01:25 > 0:01:27# You gotta watch this!
0:01:28 > 0:01:32- HE RAPS:- # My, my, my, my programme hits you so hard
0:01:32 > 0:01:33# Makes me say, "Oh, my word!"
0:01:33 > 0:01:35# Thank you for watching me
0:01:35 > 0:01:37# It's telly, but not what you normally see
0:01:37 > 0:01:39# It feels good, there's outtakes too
0:01:39 > 0:01:40# Comedy, guests and clips, it's true
0:01:40 > 0:01:42# So sit back - don't move too much
0:01:42 > 0:01:45# This is the show - ah! - you can't touch. #
0:01:45 > 0:01:46Stop! Hacker Time.
0:01:47 > 0:01:48Thank you.
0:01:48 > 0:01:53OK, stand by, everyone. We are on-air in five, four...
0:01:53 > 0:01:56- Wilf, is the celebrity guest here? - ..two, one.
0:01:56 > 0:01:57He's just coming now.
0:01:59 > 0:02:00Hello, there.
0:02:00 > 0:02:03I am celebrity baker Luis Troyano and I am here to film
0:02:03 > 0:02:04a popular food programme today.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07Certainly, madam, but you look like you could use the lavatory first.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10- No, I don't.- Yeah, go on. - No, I really don't need it.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12- Get in, I warmed the seat up for you.- No, I don't need it!
0:02:12 > 0:02:13- The paper's three-ply.- No!
0:02:16 > 0:02:17Ready, Hacker.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20Good. Nice of him to drop in.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23Ha-ha. Droppings.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25Oh, no. No! I don't want this.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27HE SCREAMS
0:02:27 > 0:02:28Help!
0:02:28 > 0:02:30HE WHISTLES CHEERFULLY
0:02:30 > 0:02:33HE CONTINUES SCREAMING
0:02:35 > 0:02:37Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome
0:02:37 > 0:02:42Great British Bake Off finalist Luis Troyano!
0:02:42 > 0:02:44HE SCREAMS
0:02:46 > 0:02:49Welcome to Hacker Time!
0:02:49 > 0:02:52I'm not doing this. Sorry, I'm not doing it.
0:02:52 > 0:02:53Oh, Luis, please stay.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56- I've had something baking for you all morning.- What?
0:02:56 > 0:02:58- What have you had baking?- This.
0:02:58 > 0:03:01HE BREAKS WIND
0:03:01 > 0:03:04- Uh!- No. And why would that make me stay?
0:03:04 > 0:03:07I don't know. I didn't think it through, did I?
0:03:07 > 0:03:09And now I've got a soggy bottom.
0:03:09 > 0:03:12- Derek, run the fact file. - HE BREAKS WIND
0:03:12 > 0:03:13It's still coming out.
0:03:13 > 0:03:16Coming up, me little owl.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18- Monkey tennis! - Oh, what is this rubbish?
0:03:18 > 0:03:20And what's this? That's the wrong button.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23Oh, no!
0:03:23 > 0:03:27Who's that? Come on, press the right button. Oh, this is right.
0:03:27 > 0:03:31Luis Troyano is a top-notch food man and Great British Bake Off finalist.
0:03:31 > 0:03:35He's such a good baker even his spots are made of gingerbread.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37He impressed the Bake Off judges
0:03:37 > 0:03:40by magically producing cupcakes from his mouth,
0:03:40 > 0:03:43and having nose bleeds into his meringue mix.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46Luis makes all sorts of mouthwatering creations like
0:03:46 > 0:03:50this cake that divided itself to form its own evil twin.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53Somebody stop it before it lays eggs!
0:03:53 > 0:03:56Luis, is often proud of his clean, white apron,
0:03:56 > 0:03:58but sometimes he is also ashamed of it.
0:03:58 > 0:04:02And that's all you need to know about Luis Troyano, hoo-hoo!
0:04:04 > 0:04:06So that's who you are.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09Anyway, to make up for that misunderstanding earlier,
0:04:09 > 0:04:11I've been baking something else for you.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14- You're not going to trump again, are you, Hacker?- How dare you!
0:04:14 > 0:04:16No, I've made you this lovely cake down there.
0:04:16 > 0:04:19Oh, wow, fantastic. Looks amazing, thanks.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22- Take a nice big bite of that, cocker.- Thank you.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25I flavoured it with me trumps. Ha-ha!
0:04:25 > 0:04:28Larry, what else is coming up, other than that cake?
0:04:28 > 0:04:30It all. Eat the cake!
0:04:30 > 0:04:33Do you like food? Of course you do!
0:04:33 > 0:04:35Then you'll love today's show
0:04:35 > 0:04:40because today's show is all about food, which you love. Yeah.
0:04:41 > 0:04:44Coming up, Hacker asks Luis why he's like this.
0:04:44 > 0:04:45Why are you like this?
0:04:46 > 0:04:49The Hacker Time viewing figures are in.
0:04:49 > 0:04:52And a sketch is ruined by some loose food.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55- Oh-hey! - Decidedly average, eh?
0:04:57 > 0:05:00I honestly don't know how this series keeps getting commissioned.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02- Do you, Luis?- I've no idea.
0:05:02 > 0:05:03You cheeky monkey.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07- Now, are you ready for your big interview?- I'm ready, let's do it.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10Now, you have appeared on the BBC's biggest show.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12How do you feel about that, cocker?
0:05:12 > 0:05:15I absolutely loved appearing on the Great British Bake Off.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17It was a lot of fun.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19What are you talking about? I meant Hacker Time.
0:05:19 > 0:05:25OK, seeing as you insist on going on about it, let's talk about Bake Off.
0:05:25 > 0:05:26Do you remember that time when
0:05:26 > 0:05:28Mary Berry was terrible at hide-and-seek?
0:05:28 > 0:05:30LUIS CHUCKLES
0:05:30 > 0:05:33Fortunately, only the cake was spotted. Do you get it?
0:05:33 > 0:05:36It's got spots on it. It's a spotty cake.
0:05:36 > 0:05:37It works on two levels.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39Do remember that time and the official photographer
0:05:39 > 0:05:41was replaced by a giraffe?
0:05:42 > 0:05:45Do you remember that time the contestants staged an uprising
0:05:45 > 0:05:47against people in sensible blazers?
0:05:49 > 0:05:51- Look at them all. - It was a school day.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53You're not kidding, cocker.
0:05:53 > 0:05:54- Luis.- Yes.
0:05:54 > 0:05:58What's the secret to a well-risen sponge?
0:05:58 > 0:06:01- Lots of air and never open your oven early.- Wrong.
0:06:01 > 0:06:05The secret to a well-risen sponge is eight hours' sleep. Look.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07Oh, what a lovely rest.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10I'm as fresh as a daisy. Bye!
0:06:10 > 0:06:15Hey! Now, Lu...is - if that is your real name -
0:06:15 > 0:06:17how do you make sugar work?
0:06:17 > 0:06:21Well, you melt it in a pan and then you have to be really careful
0:06:21 > 0:06:24cos it's really hot, but then you can shape into different things.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26No, this is how you make sugar work.
0:06:26 > 0:06:30- You, do my maths assignment for me. - Yes, sir.
0:06:32 > 0:06:33How do you beat an egg?
0:06:35 > 0:06:37Put it in a bowl and beat it with a whisk.
0:06:37 > 0:06:41No. I once tried to beat an egg, I wasn't successful, though.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47I've won! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:06:48 > 0:06:52It's my own fault. I don't know why I was running in slow motion.
0:06:52 > 0:06:56Luis T, are you any good at piping?
0:06:56 > 0:06:59I'm pretty good at piping around cakes, Hacker, yes.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02No. Are you any good at piping? Me toilet's blocked.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04I left a chocolate log in it.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08You're from the North just like me, so you must know your pies.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10I do, yes.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13- Well, what's the main ingredient in a cottage pie?- Cottage is beef.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15No, it's a cottage.
0:07:15 > 0:07:18Luis, what's the main ingredient in a shepherd's pie?
0:07:18 > 0:07:21- Shepherd is lamb. - No, it's a shepherd.
0:07:21 > 0:07:25- What's the main ingredient in a game pie?- Oh, I don't know, Hacker.
0:07:25 > 0:07:29- Chessboard.- Don't be daft, it's partridge and venison, of course.
0:07:29 > 0:07:32That's just weird, what you said. I don't know why you do that.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34Why are you like this? Take it seriously.
0:07:34 > 0:07:38This is a highbrow show, you know, not some tatty filler like Bake Off.
0:07:38 > 0:07:42Luis, I couldn't talk to a Bake Off finalist without showing you
0:07:42 > 0:07:43my very own show stopper.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46- Do you want to see it? - I'd love to see you show stopper.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48There it is.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50This button literally stops the show
0:07:50 > 0:07:52when the guest gets a tickle boring,
0:07:52 > 0:07:54which is about now.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56# Ba-ba-ba
0:07:56 > 0:07:59# Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba! #
0:07:59 > 0:08:02Now on Hacker Time, drastic measures are needed to save money in
0:08:02 > 0:08:05today's The Accommodation Place.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07In fact, they've even cut back on this introduct...
0:08:10 > 0:08:13Enjoy a stay by the calming sea.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15Experience a warm welcome.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18- Madame.- Oh, get out of the way.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22And indulge in gourmet food.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25This isn't just any accommodation place,
0:08:25 > 0:08:28this is THE Accommodation Place.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37It's Thursday and there are money troubles at
0:08:37 > 0:08:41the Best Opulent Tip-top Ostentatious Metropolitan Hotel,
0:08:41 > 0:08:43BOTTOM.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46Right, are we all here? Good.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49I've got some appalling news.
0:08:49 > 0:08:53Because of the failing economy, we are seriously losing a lot of money.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57Maybe it wasn't such a good idea to spend the last of it
0:08:57 > 0:08:58having colour print of this graph.
0:08:58 > 0:09:01What are we doing to do?
0:09:01 > 0:09:03We have to make some cuts.
0:09:03 > 0:09:04First things first,
0:09:04 > 0:09:08from now on the guests get one square of toilet paper each.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13I've just eaten a chicken jalfrezi and I wondered,
0:09:13 > 0:09:16could I perhaps have another square of toilet paper?
0:09:16 > 0:09:18No, you can't, greedy guts!
0:09:18 > 0:09:21Just use the other side of the one you've already got.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23HE BREAKS WIND
0:09:23 > 0:09:28- And we're going to have to get rid of our gym.- Oh, no, boss, please.
0:09:28 > 0:09:29- I'm sorry, Jim.- Oh.
0:09:31 > 0:09:32To help save money,
0:09:32 > 0:09:35I've decided to reduce portion sizes in the restaurant.
0:09:37 > 0:09:41The main course this evening will be just 1p.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43Well, that's good value.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46No, it's just one pea. He-he.
0:09:46 > 0:09:50- That'll be £75, please.- What?! Huh.
0:09:50 > 0:09:51I'm trying to raise money by
0:09:51 > 0:09:53putting on more events in the hotel
0:09:53 > 0:09:54than ever before.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58Everyone for the wedding this way.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01Everyone for the clown convention, that's over there.
0:10:01 > 0:10:04And those for the farmers' market, that's that way.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07Thanks, love. Thank you.
0:10:07 > 0:10:11I hope I got that all right. Um...
0:10:14 > 0:10:16I do.
0:10:16 > 0:10:21HE BLEATS Bridal Chorus By Wagner
0:10:22 > 0:10:24Another thing we've decided to do is charge extra
0:10:24 > 0:10:27for our non-essential items.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29SHE RINGS BELL A double room, please.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31No problem.
0:10:31 > 0:10:34But just to let you know, your room does not include a kettle.
0:10:34 > 0:10:38- That's OK.- Or a TV. - Oh, that's a shame.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40- Or a bed. - Oh, that seems a little bit...
0:10:40 > 0:10:43- Or walls...- But...- ..or a ceiling.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45- Look...- Or a door.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47Well, what does it come with?!
0:10:47 > 0:10:50- A key.- Ah!
0:10:50 > 0:10:54Oh, what a comfortable-looking key.
0:10:54 > 0:10:55Thank you.
0:10:55 > 0:10:59- My pleasure.- Lovely.- Yeah.
0:10:59 > 0:11:00What's on the menu today?
0:11:00 > 0:11:03Well, we have lobster Thermidor,
0:11:03 > 0:11:07steak tartare and oysters drizzled with caviar.
0:11:07 > 0:11:12Oh, wow, what amazing food, mate. I'm spoilt for choice.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15Oh, no, those are just the stains on the menu.
0:11:15 > 0:11:17We've only got peas to eat.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20We can't turn anybody away because we need the money.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23So I've been getting creative and putting guests in any space
0:11:23 > 0:11:25we've got available.
0:11:26 > 0:11:30- Your room, madam.- Thank you.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32Your room, ma-dame.
0:11:35 > 0:11:38Your room, ma-dame.
0:11:38 > 0:11:42But I asked for a brick wall view.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45Oh.
0:11:45 > 0:11:47It's no use, we're ruined.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49Oh.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51Wait! Look at this.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53The hotel's been doing really well
0:11:53 > 0:11:54since all those things we did
0:11:54 > 0:11:56during the episode.
0:11:56 > 0:11:57Oh, fantastic.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59What a lovely pile of money.
0:11:59 > 0:12:03Hello, I had another chicken jalfrezi.
0:12:03 > 0:12:06Ooh, can I have some more of your toilet paper?
0:12:06 > 0:12:09Of course you can, cocker. We're rolling in it now.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12- There you go, have the lot. - Thank you.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15Now where's that one gone? Where's 17?
0:12:15 > 0:12:17- That one's there for some reason. - Susan.- Hm?
0:12:18 > 0:12:21- Where's the money gone?- Eeh!
0:12:21 > 0:12:24No! We're ruined.
0:12:24 > 0:12:26I wouldn't worry about it.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28It says here that due to the economy,
0:12:28 > 0:12:34the value of toilet paper has skyrocketed to £1 million a square.
0:12:34 > 0:12:37We're rich. Callooh! Callay!
0:12:40 > 0:12:42Ho!
0:12:42 > 0:12:44- BOTH:- Yay!
0:12:45 > 0:12:46- ALL:- # Da-da-da-da-da, yay! #
0:12:48 > 0:12:50# Da-da-da-da-da, Yay!
0:12:50 > 0:12:52# This is the end of the episode! #
0:12:54 > 0:12:56I stayed at a hotel once where
0:12:56 > 0:12:58they saved money by never cleaning.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00Really, Father? How was that?
0:13:00 > 0:13:03Marvellous! I cultivated beautifully
0:13:03 > 0:13:05upon an occasional table.
0:13:05 > 0:13:07- Ooh.- Bha!
0:13:08 > 0:13:11You're watching Hacker Time, sponsored by the concept of air.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13If you need air, then get some air.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15'Ah, it's that simple.'
0:13:17 > 0:13:19Mr Derek.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22Yes, Herman.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26I brought you a home-made pie.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28Yeah, I thought you might help you make your decision
0:13:28 > 0:13:30about letting me be a presenter.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33That does it! Herman, you'll never be on screen.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35You don't look right, you don't sound right.
0:13:35 > 0:13:39You'll never be anything more than a work experience boy.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43# Reach for the stars
0:13:43 > 0:13:45- Oh! - # Climb every mountain... #
0:13:46 > 0:13:48- Hello.- Hi, is that Herman?
0:13:48 > 0:13:50- 'Yes, it is.'- Herman Eggly?- 'Yeah.'
0:13:50 > 0:13:52'It's Dan Walker here. I'm just calling because'
0:13:52 > 0:13:55we want to get you on the next series of Football Focus.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57Pretty soon you
0:13:57 > 0:13:58'are going to be famous.'
0:14:01 > 0:14:04I knew this day would come.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07Derek, you can take your work experience
0:14:07 > 0:14:09and you can take this pie too.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13HE WHIMPERS
0:14:13 > 0:14:17Ha-ha-ha! Oh, I'm sorry about that.
0:14:17 > 0:14:18'As I was saying, pretty soon'
0:14:18 > 0:14:20you are going to be famous.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22We're going to make you the best work experience boy
0:14:22 > 0:14:24'in the country. You can start,'
0:14:24 > 0:14:26if you like, by cleaning the toilets because Lawro
0:14:26 > 0:14:28has left them in a right state.
0:14:30 > 0:14:34Mr Derek, perhaps I was a bit harsh.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37Mr Derek? Mr Derek!
0:14:37 > 0:14:42OK, coming back to studio in three, two, up one...
0:14:44 > 0:14:45Cue Hacker.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48Luis Troyano, icing.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51- Icing sugar?- No, I sing.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54This is the part of the show where I sing a lovely song.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56But it is about icing, ironically.
0:14:56 > 0:15:01You see, I've fallen in love with a cake named Margaret.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05ROMANTIC R&B MUSIC PLAYS
0:15:05 > 0:15:07# Margaret, ooh!
0:15:07 > 0:15:09# I find you quite thrilling
0:15:09 > 0:15:13# You've got so many layers
0:15:13 > 0:15:16# And a raspberry jam filling
0:15:16 > 0:15:21# Oh, Margaret, I want you for my wife
0:15:21 > 0:15:24# I hope it won't end in tears
0:15:24 > 0:15:27# When they bring out the knife
0:15:27 > 0:15:33# Your frosting's made out of cream cheese
0:15:33 > 0:15:39# Your sponge is classic genoise
0:15:39 > 0:15:45# It's only you I want to please
0:15:45 > 0:15:48# Oh, wait, I think I have to sneeze
0:15:48 > 0:15:50Achoo!
0:15:52 > 0:15:57# Margaret, now you're nowt but a crumb
0:15:57 > 0:16:03# I tried to repair you but I'm lacking in thumb
0:16:03 > 0:16:08# Margaret, you have left me upset
0:16:08 > 0:16:11# But you'll always be with me
0:16:11 > 0:16:17# My Margaret, I will never forget. #
0:16:17 > 0:16:21Oh, look, a scone. Aah!
0:16:23 > 0:16:25What did you think of that, cocker?
0:16:25 > 0:16:28I thought it was really sad, Hacker. What about poor Margaret?
0:16:28 > 0:16:30Who's Margaret?
0:16:30 > 0:16:32- BILL RINGS - Oh, look, that's lunch.
0:16:32 > 0:16:35- Do you want some food, Luis? - Oh, yeah, I'd love some.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38You're the expert, make yourself some, cocker. See ya!
0:16:38 > 0:16:40La-la-la-la, foodstuffs.
0:16:40 > 0:16:41Come on.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46Oh, food, substandard food.
0:16:46 > 0:16:49Don't leave me, guys. I'm hungry too.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51You wouldn't treat Mary Berry like this.
0:16:59 > 0:17:01Wilfred, we're out of food.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04VIOLIN CHORD STRUCK That violinist has eaten it all.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06- Oh, don't we have any eggs?- No.
0:17:06 > 0:17:07They've just run out.
0:17:07 > 0:17:10He-he! You'll never beat us.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14What are we going to serve our customers?
0:17:14 > 0:17:18- We'll just have to serve them a smile.- We can't.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21The smile went off weeks ago.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24- We'll just have to improvise. - Very well.
0:17:24 > 0:17:26I'm a tiny tree growing in the forest.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28Look at my branches and tendrils.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30- Wilf...- Yes.
0:17:30 > 0:17:35I mean, we're going to have to make meals that don't contain food.
0:17:35 > 0:17:38- We might just get away with it.- Yes.
0:17:38 > 0:17:42- Hello, I'd like your finest dish, please.- Certainly.
0:17:43 > 0:17:49We have this one with a nice blue rim around it.
0:17:49 > 0:17:50Do you have anything light?
0:17:52 > 0:17:54We've got this Anglepoise light.
0:17:54 > 0:17:57No. I'm Anglepoise-intolerant.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00Do you have anything even lighter?
0:18:00 > 0:18:03Well, today's special is...
0:18:05 > 0:18:07..invisible roast.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09That looks delicious.
0:18:09 > 0:18:14- Can I pay you with this invisible credit card?- Certainly.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16Contactless OK?
0:18:18 > 0:18:23Thank you, madam. And you, you tiny tree growing in the forest.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26- Our pleasure.- Wilf.- What?
0:18:26 > 0:18:31I don't believe it. His invisible credit card has been declined.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33- VIOLIN CHORD STRUCK - And that's not the worst of it.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35That violin is back.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38I'll fire up the visible van.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41BELL RINGS
0:18:42 > 0:18:44'And now, Hacker Time presents'
0:18:44 > 0:18:49Luis and Hacker in The Large UK Baked Goods Contest.
0:18:55 > 0:18:58Well, your sponge is delicious, but there's a problem with your fondant.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01- Why is it?- It's your aunt, she's far too fond of me.
0:19:01 > 0:19:04- Oh, hello, dear. Aren't you a lovely young man?- No, no.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06- What a spiffing cardigan you're wearing.- No, no.
0:19:06 > 0:19:07You all need to get out.
0:19:07 > 0:19:10- All of you, you need to get out. - Lovely bit of knitwear, that.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13Well, I hope the next contestant is going to be a bit more serious.
0:19:13 > 0:19:17You all right, cockers, eh? Ha-ha!
0:19:17 > 0:19:19- All right, Hacker, what have you been baking?- This.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21HE BREAKS WIND
0:19:21 > 0:19:23Oh, Hacker, not that old joke again.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25What are you talking about?
0:19:25 > 0:19:26I've been baking this.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29- BREAKS WIND:- Trombone cake, eh.
0:19:29 > 0:19:33- Hacker, you were supposed to make a fairy cake.- I did, look.
0:19:33 > 0:19:34It's a very furry cake.
0:19:34 > 0:19:38I left it next to the radiator for seven weeks.
0:19:38 > 0:19:39Oh, Hacker.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41- Did you at least managed to beat your eggs?- No.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44EGGS PANT
0:19:44 > 0:19:46I still can't run faster than them.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49- Did you at least try and use a balloon whisk?- I did.
0:19:49 > 0:19:51Every time I let go of it, this happened.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56Tell me you've made a Victoria sandwich.
0:19:56 > 0:19:58Of course. Look!
0:19:58 > 0:20:01We are not an amuse-d bouche.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03Hacker, this just really isn't good enough.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05It's not my fault.
0:20:05 > 0:20:08Mel and Sue kept coming in and disrupting my recipes.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11Oh, look, here she is now.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14Hello, I'm Melon Sue.
0:20:16 > 0:20:20No. Right, I think we need to move on to something else.
0:20:20 > 0:20:21How did you make your jam?
0:20:21 > 0:20:24Well, I started with the roadworks and then I failed to implement
0:20:24 > 0:20:26a steady traffic flow system.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28You must've got on better with your bread.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30Have you proved your dough?
0:20:30 > 0:20:32I've proved my dough is what?
0:20:32 > 0:20:33Have you proved your dough?
0:20:33 > 0:20:36Have I proved my dough is what?
0:20:36 > 0:20:40Oh, forget it. I'd like to see how you'd get on in the real Bake Off.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42- Do you have a signature dish?- Yes.
0:20:42 > 0:20:46He does all me autographs for me cos I can't be bothered.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49- Have you done a technical challenge? - Yes.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52I wired up this plug.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54I did intricately craft it out of marzipan.
0:20:54 > 0:20:55Right, that does it, Hacker.
0:20:55 > 0:20:58You're out of this competition unless you can impress
0:20:58 > 0:20:59me with a show stopper.
0:20:59 > 0:21:04No problem. I've made this Paul Hollywood pie.
0:21:04 > 0:21:08- Wow, Hacker, this looks amazing. - It does, doesn't it?
0:21:08 > 0:21:10- What's in it?- Paul Hollywood, of course.
0:21:10 > 0:21:12- KNOCKING INSIDE PIE:- 'Can you get me out of
0:21:12 > 0:21:14'here, please?
0:21:15 > 0:21:16'Ooh, my spine.'
0:21:16 > 0:21:19Right, I'm going to have to bring out a show stopper of my own.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22How about this one from earlier? It's about time
0:21:22 > 0:21:23this sketch was over.
0:21:23 > 0:21:26# Ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba... #
0:21:26 > 0:21:29What are you like in the kitchen, Father?
0:21:29 > 0:21:31Exactly like I am now...
0:21:31 > 0:21:33but in the kitchen.
0:21:33 > 0:21:35THEY SNIGGER
0:21:35 > 0:21:37'If you're a fan of high-quality singing,
0:21:37 > 0:21:38'look away now'
0:21:38 > 0:21:40and close those ears.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43It's time for Lost & Found...
0:21:43 > 0:21:44& Lost Again.
0:21:44 > 0:21:47# Whoa-oh-oh, lost and found
0:21:47 > 0:21:48# Then lost again. #
0:21:49 > 0:21:53You all right, cockers? What's the happening
0:21:53 > 0:21:55at foot of our stairs and that, eh?
0:21:55 > 0:21:59Pst!! Leah, if you want to fit in round here, you're going to
0:21:59 > 0:22:03have to start talking with a Canadian/North American accent.
0:22:03 > 0:22:07Eh, lad, if only it were that easy, by gum.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14# When I came here to learn how to sing
0:22:14 > 0:22:18# I really look forward to doing my thing
0:22:18 > 0:22:21# But there's one problem, don't know what to do
0:22:21 > 0:22:24# I don't speak the lingo, I feel so blue
0:22:24 > 0:22:28# Terminology
0:22:28 > 0:22:30# It makes me so unhappy
0:22:30 > 0:22:31# Unhappy
0:22:31 > 0:22:34# Why's an aubergine known as an eggplant?
0:22:34 > 0:22:37# And why say diaper when it's nappy?
0:22:37 > 0:22:38# Nappy
0:22:38 > 0:22:41# Terminology
0:22:41 > 0:22:42# It's rubbish!
0:22:42 > 0:22:45- # You mean, it's trash - It's trash
0:22:45 > 0:22:48# Use your sneakers to stroll down the sidewalk
0:22:48 > 0:22:50# And fill your station wagon with gas
0:22:50 > 0:22:51# With gas
0:22:51 > 0:22:55# Terminology
0:22:55 > 0:22:57# It's soccer and not football
0:22:57 > 0:22:59# Football
0:22:59 > 0:23:01# A car has a trunk and a hood
0:23:01 > 0:23:06# And it's winter, spring, summer and fa-a-all!
0:23:06 > 0:23:09# Oh, when will I realise
0:23:09 > 0:23:17# The discrepancy betwixt chips, crisps and French fries?
0:23:17 > 0:23:24# Oh, French fries. #
0:23:24 > 0:23:26OK, I see your point.
0:23:26 > 0:23:28And your accent is what makes you feel special.
0:23:28 > 0:23:30You know, you shouldn't feel you have to fit in with our
0:23:30 > 0:23:34stereotypical Canadian/North American ways.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36- IN FAUX AMERICAN ACCENT: - Totally. You're so right.
0:23:36 > 0:23:40I don't know what I was evs worried about.
0:23:40 > 0:23:44Obviously, my brilliance will shine through. I'm off t' mall.
0:23:44 > 0:23:45Laters!
0:23:45 > 0:23:47- HACKER SNIFFS - Ah!
0:23:51 > 0:23:52'And now we come'
0:23:52 > 0:23:54to the climax of the show,
0:23:54 > 0:23:56the quiz that we like to call...
0:23:56 > 0:24:00# Beam My Guest
0:24:00 > 0:24:03# Beam My Guest
0:24:03 > 0:24:07- ALL:- # Beam My Guest. #
0:24:07 > 0:24:11Beam guest, my guest, beam my!
0:24:11 > 0:24:16Luis Deirdre Troyano, how much do you want to go home?
0:24:16 > 0:24:18I really want to go home now, thank you.
0:24:18 > 0:24:22Well, now's your chance cos you are standing in my 100% real teleporter.
0:24:22 > 0:24:24- Do you like it? - I do, it's really snazzy.
0:24:24 > 0:24:27- Isn't it?- Yes. - It's as snazzy as your cardigan.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30I'm going to ask you a series of questions.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32Get enough answers right and you'll be beamed back home.
0:24:32 > 0:24:35Fail miserably, however, and you'll go somewhere horrific.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37- How does that sound?- Awful.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40The time will end when you hear this sound.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43Ooh, I'm as fresh as a daisy!
0:24:43 > 0:24:45- Are you ready?- Ready when you are.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47In that case, start the clock.
0:24:47 > 0:24:51- What's Paul Hollywood's favourite film industry?- Hollywood.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53No, it's the British film industry.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55He's very supportive of home-grown talent.
0:24:55 > 0:25:00What hat does Mary Berr-et wear in France?
0:25:00 > 0:25:02- Is it a beret?- No, it's a homburg.
0:25:02 > 0:25:06It's much better suited to the changeable weather in Brittany.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08Ask you the next question, here's Rachel and Jude -
0:25:08 > 0:25:12the stars of one of CBBC's top shows.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14At the Lost & Found Music Studios
0:25:14 > 0:25:16we are famous for playing our instruments.
0:25:16 > 0:25:19But what is Jude playing today?
0:25:20 > 0:25:22Is he playing a harmonica?
0:25:22 > 0:25:24Let's see if you're right.
0:25:24 > 0:25:27Good guess, but he's actually playing
0:25:27 > 0:25:29with his indivisible evil moustache.
0:25:30 > 0:25:34JUDE CACKLES EVILLY
0:25:34 > 0:25:36Yeah, I'm as nonplussed as you by that, cocker.
0:25:38 > 0:25:40Next question. What is in a game pie?
0:25:40 > 0:25:43That is definitely venison and partridge.
0:25:43 > 0:25:46No. A chessboard, of course.
0:25:46 > 0:25:50Herman is holding an object that represents a popular baking term
0:25:50 > 0:25:51but what is it?
0:25:52 > 0:25:54Is it a soggy bottom?
0:25:54 > 0:25:57No! Don't be daft. Look, it's butter cream.
0:25:57 > 0:26:00A pair of buttocks on a ream of paper.
0:26:00 > 0:26:03Buttock ream. Butter cream.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05Buttock ream. Bum paper.
0:26:05 > 0:26:08Now, what do bakers need?
0:26:08 > 0:26:10- They need bread.- No.
0:26:10 > 0:26:13They need to be quiet because the time's nearly up.
0:26:13 > 0:26:16Ooh, I'm as fresh as a daisy!
0:26:16 > 0:26:19Lorraine, what's his total?
0:26:19 > 0:26:20Pi.
0:26:21 > 0:26:25Well done. That means you've won a pie and you're also going home.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27What do you think about that, cocker?
0:26:27 > 0:26:29- I'm really happy, thank you. - Lovely.
0:26:29 > 0:26:31Time to beam my guest.
0:26:31 > 0:26:33Oh, Herman, make sure you don't
0:26:33 > 0:26:35accidently send him somewhere pointless.
0:26:35 > 0:26:38- Don't worry, Mr Hacker. - HE LAUGHS
0:26:40 > 0:26:43No, don't send me anywhere pointless. Don't do it.
0:26:43 > 0:26:44I don't want this...
0:26:44 > 0:26:46I'm sure he's fine.
0:26:50 > 0:26:52HE ROARS
0:26:53 > 0:26:54That's almost it for today.
0:26:54 > 0:26:58I'm off to rearrange the towels in my airing cupboard, but first
0:26:58 > 0:27:00I shall sing my sickening end song.
0:27:00 > 0:27:02Sing along, cockers, you know you want...
0:27:07 > 0:27:09# That is it for now, the end of the show
0:27:09 > 0:27:12# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go
0:27:12 > 0:27:14# I'll see you next time on this show of mine
0:27:14 > 0:27:17# Put it in your diary - it's called Hacker Time
0:27:17 > 0:27:19# It's been amazing, there's been joy, fun and laughter
0:27:19 > 0:27:22# This could be the year we win our first BAFTA
0:27:22 > 0:27:24# Join again next time cos we've got much more
0:27:24 > 0:27:26# There'll be tons of other funny stuff - it will be top drawer
0:27:26 > 0:27:31# Luis Troyano the cake maker came in to talk of haute cuisine
0:27:31 > 0:27:33# We larked around in the Bake Off tent
0:27:33 > 0:27:34# But I put Paul Hollywood in a pie
0:27:34 > 0:27:36# Served Luis a cake, made him feel green
0:27:36 > 0:27:38# That is it for now, the end of the show
0:27:38 > 0:27:40# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go
0:27:40 > 0:27:43# I'll see you next time on this show of mine
0:27:43 > 0:27:45# Put it in your diary - it's called Hacker Time
0:27:45 > 0:27:48# Put it in your diary - it's called Hacker Time
0:27:48 > 0:27:51- # That is the end of today's Hacker Time!- #
0:27:53 > 0:27:54- EGGS:- You'll never beat us!
0:27:56 > 0:27:57Why do I keep running
0:27:57 > 0:27:58in slow motion?