0:00:04 > 0:00:06One minute to on-air. One minute.
0:00:08 > 0:00:10Look at the state of this place.
0:00:10 > 0:00:14Right, everyone, it's time to have a massive clear-out.
0:00:14 > 0:00:16Oh, you're telling me. I shouldn't have had
0:00:16 > 0:00:19that lentil curry for breakfast. STOMACH RUMBLES
0:00:19 > 0:00:22Ooh. Oh! HE BREAKS WIND
0:00:22 > 0:00:23No!
0:00:23 > 0:00:26I mean it's time to have a spring clean.
0:00:26 > 0:00:27Right ahead of you, yeah.
0:00:27 > 0:00:29I'm just cleaning this drum suspension spring.
0:00:29 > 0:00:32It fell out of the washing machine while I was repairing it.
0:00:32 > 0:00:37Why does nobody understand me? I just want us to make more space.
0:00:37 > 0:00:39Oh, it's not a problem for me.
0:00:39 > 0:00:42Oh! STOMACH RUMBLES, HE BREAKS WIND
0:00:42 > 0:00:44Lolly, you're my only hope!
0:00:44 > 0:00:47How can we get rid of all this useless rubbish
0:00:47 > 0:00:49that's hindering our lives?
0:00:49 > 0:00:52Well, it's simple. We'll throw away our scripts.
0:00:52 > 0:00:53They're full of useless rubbish.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55Perfect!
0:00:55 > 0:00:56Woohoo!
0:00:56 > 0:00:58Run the titles!
0:00:58 > 0:01:01HACKER BREAKS WIND Oh, I just can't stop!
0:01:05 > 0:01:06# You gotta watch this
0:01:08 > 0:01:10# You gotta watch this
0:01:12 > 0:01:13# You gotta watch this
0:01:14 > 0:01:18# My, my, my, my programme hits you So hard
0:01:18 > 0:01:20# Makes me say Oh, my word!
0:01:20 > 0:01:22# Thank you for watching me It's telly
0:01:22 > 0:01:24# But not what you normally see
0:01:24 > 0:01:26# It feels good And there's out-takes, too
0:01:26 > 0:01:27# Comedy, guests and clips It's true
0:01:27 > 0:01:30# So sit back, don't move too much This is a show
0:01:30 > 0:01:31# Ha! You can't touch
0:01:31 > 0:01:34# Stop! Hacker Time! #
0:01:34 > 0:01:35Thank you.
0:01:35 > 0:01:40OK, standby, everyone. We're on air in five, four, three...
0:01:40 > 0:01:42- Well, is the celebrity guest here? - ..two, one.
0:01:42 > 0:01:45- He's coming now! - HE CHUCKLES
0:01:45 > 0:01:46Hello. It's Paul Martin.
0:01:46 > 0:01:48I present "Flog It!" and I'm here to film and episode.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51Certainly, Mrs Martin, if that is your real name.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54- But don't you need the toilet first? - No, I've already been, thanks.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56- I'd just like to crack on. - You can crack on in there, mate.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58There's an ancient artefact in the bowl.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00Why don't you have a little look at it? But don't touch it.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04Hacker, ready!
0:02:04 > 0:02:06Good. Nice of him to drop in.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08Ha-ha! Drop in.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12HE SCREAMS
0:02:12 > 0:02:14Ahh!
0:02:14 > 0:02:16HE WHISTLES
0:02:20 > 0:02:23Ladies and gentlemen, from "Flog It!",
0:02:23 > 0:02:26it's antiques expert Paul Martin!
0:02:26 > 0:02:28Ahh!
0:02:31 > 0:02:33Welcome to Hacker Time!
0:02:33 > 0:02:35I'm not doing this.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38But, Paul, I've got loads of antiques for you to value.
0:02:38 > 0:02:39Still not doing it.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41But you love antiques and they need valuing!
0:02:41 > 0:02:43Well, what are they?
0:02:43 > 0:02:45The jokes in today's script, they're all ancient.
0:02:45 > 0:02:49Including that one about all the jokes in the script being ancient.
0:02:49 > 0:02:53Hey, talking of ancient jokes, here's Derek with the Fact File.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55Hoo-hoo!
0:02:55 > 0:02:59What's this? It's the wrong button. Hang on.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02- What have you put that on for, Derek?- Who's that?!
0:03:02 > 0:03:03'Sarah, I don't speak monkey.'
0:03:03 > 0:03:06Come on. Press the right button.
0:03:06 > 0:03:07Oh, this is right.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09Paul Martin is a fine man who tells people
0:03:09 > 0:03:13what their old-fashioned objects are worth and how big they are not.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15He spends his days clasping his hands behind a desk
0:03:15 > 0:03:18whilst wearing a blue blazer and clasping his hands upon
0:03:18 > 0:03:21the wings of a plane whilst wearing a blue blazer.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23He's presented "Flog It!" since antique times.
0:03:23 > 0:03:27In those days, he clasped a dog and wore a brown blazer.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30Outside work, Paul is very musical,
0:03:30 > 0:03:32having learnt to play the U-bend from his own toilet.
0:03:32 > 0:03:36And that's nothing you need to know about Paul Martin.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40So, now you've seen the quality of our content,
0:03:40 > 0:03:41are you willing to stay?
0:03:41 > 0:03:43Absolutely not.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45Well, maybe we can come to a little arrangement.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47I'll give you 100!
0:03:47 > 0:03:49- 200.- 500!
0:03:49 > 0:03:52- 1,000!- 10 billion!
0:03:52 > 0:03:53Done. That's a deal.
0:03:53 > 0:03:57I can't believe you're giving me £10 billion to do this.
0:03:57 > 0:03:58I'm not, cocker.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01I'm giving you 10 billion jokes from today's script.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03Shame they're so bad, they're worthless.
0:04:03 > 0:04:07Hey, talking of worthless. Larry, what else is coming up?
0:04:07 > 0:04:12This is a rare, limited-edition, collectable episode of Hacker Time,
0:04:12 > 0:04:15because it might actually be funny.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17But let's not get ahead of ourselves, hey.
0:04:17 > 0:04:21Coming up, Paul tells us where he sleeps...
0:04:21 > 0:04:23In a box.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25..this happens...
0:04:25 > 0:04:29- No!- ..and Hacker says no a lot.- No!
0:04:29 > 0:04:31No!
0:04:31 > 0:04:33Don't go away.
0:04:33 > 0:04:37- Now, cocker, are you ready for your big interview?- Yes.
0:04:37 > 0:04:38Here we go.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41Paul Martin, why have you got two first names?
0:04:41 > 0:04:44- Are there two of you?- I wish there was. I'd get double the money.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47Be quiet, Paul. I was directing that question at Martin.
0:04:47 > 0:04:49I could be him as well.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51Ooh, two for one, hey?
0:04:51 > 0:04:53Now, you've seen many antiques over the years,
0:04:53 > 0:04:56but what's the oldest thing you've ever laid your eyes on?
0:04:56 > 0:04:59Something from the late 17th century, let's say,
0:04:59 > 0:05:00on the show, yeah.
0:05:00 > 0:05:04Hey, do you know the oldest thing I've ever laid my eyes on?
0:05:04 > 0:05:05Go on, surprise me.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08You! BOTH LAUGH
0:05:08 > 0:05:09Paul Martin!
0:05:09 > 0:05:12I'm only joking. It's not really you.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14It's actually that outfit you're wearing.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17Now, you've presented "Flog It!" for many years, haven't you?
0:05:17 > 0:05:19- 1,000 shows.- 1,000 shows.- Yeah.
0:05:19 > 0:05:221,000 long, long shows.
0:05:23 > 0:05:27Hey, do you remember that time that I was the auctioneer on "Flog It!"?
0:05:27 > 0:05:29- You never were.- Yeah, I was!
0:05:29 > 0:05:32Gaze your good eyes upon this antique-flavoured goodness.
0:05:32 > 0:05:33You never were!
0:05:33 > 0:05:35'Right now, we're hoping'
0:05:35 > 0:05:40to turn 15p into maybe £150, who knows, £200.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43Our final lot today is this mystery item.
0:05:43 > 0:05:47I'll start the bidding at 15p.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49It's with this chap at 15p. Blah-drala-la!
0:05:49 > 0:05:51Do I hear 30 quid? Blah-drala-la!
0:05:51 > 0:05:5360 quid... Blah-drala-la! 90 quid...
0:05:53 > 0:05:56Blah-drala-la! That's not even legal tender, sir. 150 quid.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58Am I hearing right?
0:05:58 > 0:06:00Blah-drala-la! 300 quid over there. Blah-drala-la! 350!
0:06:00 > 0:06:03370 quid. Oh, done at 370 quid.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05Going, going, gone!
0:06:05 > 0:06:07- £370.- Yes!
0:06:07 > 0:06:09SHE GASPS
0:06:09 > 0:06:10That's incredible, isn't it?
0:06:10 > 0:06:11You've bought yourself...
0:06:11 > 0:06:13FANFARE PLAYS
0:06:13 > 0:06:15..15p.
0:06:15 > 0:06:16Paul did tell you, cockers.
0:06:17 > 0:06:21- Hey!- That is brilliant. You are good on the rostrum.
0:06:21 > 0:06:25Now, Paul and Martin, what makes something an antique?
0:06:25 > 0:06:27Well, something that's generally 100 years old.
0:06:27 > 0:06:30Ooh! I own something over 100 years old.
0:06:30 > 0:06:34- But, unfortunately, it's worthless. Have you met Wilf?- No.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37How dare you?! I'm 99 and a half.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39There you go. He's not 100.
0:06:39 > 0:06:40But I am worthless.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42Bye.
0:06:42 > 0:06:45Well, they say the older you get, the more valuable you are.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47Yeah, it's not always true.
0:06:47 > 0:06:50Now, Paul or Martin, I've heard that you're an expert
0:06:50 > 0:06:51on Victorian toilets.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53What's in them that you find so interesting?
0:06:53 > 0:06:55Who told you that?
0:06:55 > 0:06:57The researchers.
0:06:57 > 0:07:01I know nothing about Victorian loos. I'm a furniture man.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03Although you can get a lovely mahogany loo seat.
0:07:03 > 0:07:07- I'm currently bidding on a Victorian toilet.- Are you?
0:07:07 > 0:07:09Going, going...
0:07:09 > 0:07:11HE BREAKS WIND Gone!
0:07:11 > 0:07:14Hey! That lentil curry is still playing havoc with me.
0:07:14 > 0:07:15Oh, brilliant!
0:07:15 > 0:07:18- Paul! No, actually, this question goes to Martin.- Martin?
0:07:18 > 0:07:20- Martin...- Yeah, I thought so.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22..how can you tell if an antique's genuine?
0:07:22 > 0:07:24Well, basically, if it's silver, it's hallmarked,
0:07:24 > 0:07:25if it's a bit of pottery,
0:07:25 > 0:07:27it normally has a maker's impression mark.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29So, turn it over and check the bottom.
0:07:29 > 0:07:34Ooh! Well, I must be genuine because I've got a mark on my bottom.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37I should have wiped after using that Victorian lav-lav.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42Paul and Martin, here's a question for you both.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45Why are things worth more when they're in a box?
0:07:45 > 0:07:47- When they're in a box?- Yeah.
0:07:47 > 0:07:50Well, because it generally means they've been well looked after
0:07:50 > 0:07:52and they're in tiptop, mint condition.
0:07:52 > 0:07:56Well, I've put all my priceless antiques, including Wilf, in a box.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58I'll just leave it down here and watch it rise in value.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01- LOUD CRASH - Oh, my wonky hip!
0:08:01 > 0:08:02Be quiet, Wilfred!
0:08:02 > 0:08:06- Paul...- Yes?- Thank you for being a great interviewee.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08- And you too, Martin.- Both of us!
0:08:08 > 0:08:11But, I'm afraid we have to leave it there because I have to go.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13Where do you have to go now?
0:08:13 > 0:08:15Nowhere! I just have to go.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17Going, going... HE BREAKS WIND
0:08:17 > 0:08:19..gone again! WATER SPLASHING
0:08:19 > 0:08:21You need to see a doctor or a vet.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24Larry, cut to something else quickly!
0:08:25 > 0:08:28Will someone help me up, please?
0:08:28 > 0:08:30Stop putting me off.
0:08:30 > 0:08:32HE BREAKS WIND
0:08:32 > 0:08:34Now, on Hacker Time,
0:08:34 > 0:08:36Employee Of The Month is up for grabs
0:08:36 > 0:08:37in The Accommodation Place.
0:08:39 > 0:08:43'Enjoy a stay by the calming sea.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45'Experience a warm welcome.'
0:08:45 > 0:08:48- Madame.- Get out of the way!
0:08:50 > 0:08:52'And indulge in gourmet food.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56'This isn't just any accommodation place,
0:08:56 > 0:08:59'this is THE Accommodation Place.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07'It's Friday and there's a staff meeting being held
0:09:07 > 0:09:11at the Best Opulent TipTop Ostentatious Metropolitan Hotel...
0:09:11 > 0:09:13- SHE CHUCKLES - ..BOTTOM.
0:09:13 > 0:09:17Service is of the upmost importance to this hotel
0:09:17 > 0:09:19and I believe that standards are slipping.
0:09:19 > 0:09:23And here is your key, Mr and Mrs Standard.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25Oh, shall we?
0:09:26 > 0:09:30- LOUD CRASH - Oh, this floor is slippy!
0:09:30 > 0:09:31I couldn't care less!
0:09:33 > 0:09:35Things have to change.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37I'm going to come up with a new way to motivate you because the
0:09:37 > 0:09:39"current" reward scheme isn't working.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42That's because you're not rewarding us with currants.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45You're rewarding us with sultanas.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47I'm going to introduce an Employee Of The Month scheme.
0:09:47 > 0:09:51Well, that sounds better than the scheme we have now.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53The chairs have never been so motivated.
0:09:53 > 0:09:56Oh, I love to work!
0:09:56 > 0:09:57Have a sultana, you creep.
0:09:57 > 0:10:02The Employee Of The Month will be voted for by the hotel guests
0:10:02 > 0:10:04and the winner will receive a, um...
0:10:05 > 0:10:08- ..free holiday. - THEY GASP
0:10:08 > 0:10:09Good luck.
0:10:09 > 0:10:13'Herman, the porter, is offering guests breakfast in bed
0:10:13 > 0:10:15'to try and win votes for Employee Of The Month.'
0:10:15 > 0:10:18- Breakfast in bed! - SHE SCREAMS
0:10:18 > 0:10:20Oh, that would be lovely.
0:10:20 > 0:10:21One moment.
0:10:21 > 0:10:26So, here's your bacon, here's your sausages,
0:10:26 > 0:10:30here's your beans, cereals and here's your milk.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32Oh, and a kipper.
0:10:32 > 0:10:36- What on earth do you think you're doing?!- Huh?
0:10:36 > 0:10:39I always have a glass of orange juice with my breakfast!
0:10:39 > 0:10:42Oh, well, yes, of course. One moment.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47- Oh, thank you.- It's a pleasure.
0:10:49 > 0:10:54I'm being very subtle about trying to win the guests' votes
0:10:54 > 0:10:56for Employee Of The Month.
0:10:56 > 0:10:57I want your vote!
0:10:57 > 0:11:01And if I get it, I will increase the size of the orange juice glass
0:11:01 > 0:11:04at breakfast, from this...to this.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08That's almost a whole mouthful!
0:11:10 > 0:11:14'Events manager, Lolly, is offering new spa treatments to improve
0:11:14 > 0:11:17'her chances of winning Employee Of The Month.'
0:11:17 > 0:11:19Ah!
0:11:19 > 0:11:24I'm just going to put some cucumber on you to make you cool and relaxed.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31Very relaxing, yeah.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34And now, I'm going to further relax you
0:11:34 > 0:11:38by playing you the soothing sounds of whales.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44TRAFFIC BLARES OVER RADIO
0:11:44 > 0:11:45That's Cardiff city centre.
0:11:45 > 0:11:47KLAXON BLARES
0:11:47 > 0:11:48To win Employee Of The Month,
0:11:48 > 0:11:50I need to remember the golden rule -
0:11:50 > 0:11:52the customer is always right.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54Waiter!
0:11:54 > 0:11:55What, what, what?
0:11:55 > 0:11:59This meat, it tastes of chicken.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02It is chicken, Madam. That's what you ordered.
0:12:02 > 0:12:06Don't contradict me! Take it back!
0:12:06 > 0:12:08Waiter!
0:12:08 > 0:12:11This spaghetti is long and thin.
0:12:11 > 0:12:13That's what spaghetti is.
0:12:13 > 0:12:18Not where I come from. Spaghetti means meat and potato pie. Go on.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20Take it back.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22Oh, this sandwich is too bready.
0:12:23 > 0:12:27This paella is too authentic.
0:12:28 > 0:12:29Oh!
0:12:29 > 0:12:30- Waiter!- What?!
0:12:30 > 0:12:34I just wanted to say I had a really lovely meal.
0:12:34 > 0:12:39Lovely meal?! Right, that's it! No more Mr Nice Guy.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42I don't care what any of you ungrateful hoo-hoos think.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44Go and find somewhere else to eat!
0:12:44 > 0:12:46Hoo-hoo!
0:12:47 > 0:12:50And if I'm elected as Employee Of The Month,
0:12:50 > 0:12:53I pledge to abolish the bedroom tax.
0:12:55 > 0:12:56Arggh!
0:12:56 > 0:12:59Who left this tack in my bed?
0:12:59 > 0:13:01- ALL:- Susan! Susan! Susan!
0:13:01 > 0:13:05Susan, the guests love you. You've won Employee Of The Month.
0:13:05 > 0:13:09Yes! And I was just spouting a load of hollow promises I can't keep.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12So, where's my free holiday to?
0:13:12 > 0:13:14Well, to here, of course,
0:13:14 > 0:13:18to the Best Opulent TipTop Ostentatious Metropolitan Hotel.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21You're kidding me! I'm not staying here! The service is rubbish.
0:13:21 > 0:13:25You're telling me! I'm still on the floor.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27Shut your cakehole, Mrs Standard,
0:13:27 > 0:13:29from earlier in the episode.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31Well, then, the award will have to go to the second-best
0:13:31 > 0:13:33Employee Of The Month...
0:13:33 > 0:13:34this chair.
0:13:34 > 0:13:40Oh, I'm so happy! I need to sit down.
0:13:40 > 0:13:41But I can't...
0:13:41 > 0:13:43- SOBS:- I can't sit down.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45Oh, have a sultana, you wuss.
0:13:45 > 0:13:46Go on, there you are.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48I can't eat.
0:13:48 > 0:13:53'I think we've all learned a valuable lesson today. Have we?'
0:13:53 > 0:13:56I was Employee Of The Month once, Father.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59Wasn't that because you made all the other employees ill?
0:13:59 > 0:14:01Well, yes.
0:14:01 > 0:14:02Yes, it was!
0:14:02 > 0:14:06THEY LAUGH HYSTERICALLY
0:14:06 > 0:14:08- ON TV:- 'And now a word from our sponsor,
0:14:08 > 0:14:09'if you like pictures of celebrities'
0:14:09 > 0:14:11doing nothing, then take a good,
0:14:11 > 0:14:15long look at Celebrities Doing Nothing magazine.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17And then take a good, long look at yourself.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20Mr, Derek.
0:14:20 > 0:14:24Every day at this point in the show. Yes, Herman?
0:14:24 > 0:14:29Please, oh, please, can I be a presenter? I just want it all -
0:14:29 > 0:14:33the cameras, the bright lights, the big screen.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35- You know what, Herman?- Yeah?
0:14:35 > 0:14:38I often think of you in the same sentence as cameras,
0:14:38 > 0:14:40bright lights and the big screen.
0:14:40 > 0:14:44You mean I'm finally destined for stardom?
0:14:44 > 0:14:46No, I just think of you in the same sentence
0:14:46 > 0:14:49and here is that sentence...
0:14:49 > 0:14:53Herman, take those cameras, bright lights and big screen to the skip.
0:14:53 > 0:14:58They're broken and have no place in my TV studio, just like you.
0:14:58 > 0:15:00Goodbye! Hoo-hoo!
0:15:00 > 0:15:02Oh, well, it's a start.
0:15:04 > 0:15:08Coming back to studio in three, two, one...
0:15:08 > 0:15:10And cue!
0:15:10 > 0:15:15Now, both Paul and Martin, have you ever been serenaded on national TV?
0:15:15 > 0:15:18- Never.- Well, now is your lucky day, cockers,
0:15:18 > 0:15:19cos I'm going to sing a lovely song
0:15:19 > 0:15:21and it's all about a certain man.
0:15:21 > 0:15:22Hit it!
0:15:31 > 0:15:35# When I'm bored to tears
0:15:35 > 0:15:39# And wallowing in my worst fears
0:15:39 > 0:15:43# I plug my telly Scart in
0:15:43 > 0:15:47# Then switch the channel to Paul Martin
0:15:47 > 0:15:54# He is the tea-time viewing slot hunk
0:15:54 > 0:15:58# Tells hopeful folk
0:15:58 > 0:16:01# Their possessions are junk
0:16:03 > 0:16:07# He sifts through auction lots
0:16:07 > 0:16:11# Like tasteless floral pots
0:16:11 > 0:16:15# He checks chairs for dry rot
0:16:15 > 0:16:19# He walks, talks, then exits shot
0:16:19 > 0:16:24# He looks sharp as a razor
0:16:24 > 0:16:27# In his natty blazer
0:16:27 > 0:16:31# His shirts crisply-pressed
0:16:31 > 0:16:35# Paul Martin is the best
0:16:35 > 0:16:38# Yes!
0:16:38 > 0:16:42# Oh, Paul Martin!
0:16:42 > 0:16:46# You're Paul Martin!
0:16:46 > 0:16:50# It's Paul Martin
0:16:50 > 0:16:53# That's Paul Martin
0:16:53 > 0:16:55# Oh-oh-oh-oh. #
0:16:55 > 0:16:57Yeah!
0:16:59 > 0:17:01What do you think of that, cocker?
0:17:01 > 0:17:04That was brilliant. You really bigged me up.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07It wasn't about you, it was about a totally different Paul Martin
0:17:07 > 0:17:09who just happens to be an antiques expert.
0:17:09 > 0:17:11Don't flatter yourself, Paul!
0:17:11 > 0:17:13PAUL CHUCKLES, BELL RINGS
0:17:13 > 0:17:17That's lunch. You wouldn't like it, Paul. It's tasteful. See you!
0:17:19 > 0:17:20Come on.
0:17:22 > 0:17:23HERMAN LAUGHS
0:17:25 > 0:17:28What, 15 years on "Flog It!" for this?
0:17:28 > 0:17:31They big me up and then they put me right down.
0:17:37 > 0:17:42Wilfred, business is terrible. We're just not trendy enough.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45To be fair, I am 99 and a half.
0:17:45 > 0:17:49I think we need to relaunch as a trendy coffee shop
0:17:49 > 0:17:51to attract more customers.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53Ooh, here comes one now.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56Hi there. Do you serve freshly ground coffee?
0:17:56 > 0:18:00Yes. I freshly dropped all of our coffee on the ground, look.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02Well, I think I will just have a small mocha.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04Coming up.
0:18:04 > 0:18:05Your shoes are silly!
0:18:05 > 0:18:08Your shoes are silly!
0:18:08 > 0:18:09Anything else?
0:18:09 > 0:18:13Yes. A skinny cappuccino, please.
0:18:13 > 0:18:16Here you go. This is the skinniest one we have.
0:18:16 > 0:18:20Yeah. But it is made from full-fat cardboard.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22Look, forget it. I'll just have a tea.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26I mean a green tea!
0:18:29 > 0:18:31This is ridiculous!
0:18:31 > 0:18:33Your drinks are overpriced,
0:18:33 > 0:18:36your atmosphere is rubbish and your Wi-Fi's terrible.
0:18:36 > 0:18:40Oh, come on. She's not that bad when you get used to her.
0:18:40 > 0:18:41Wilf!
0:18:41 > 0:18:46I'll tell you what, I'll just have a simple, black coffee.
0:18:46 > 0:18:47Certainly.
0:18:50 > 0:18:55SPLUTTERING AND HISSING
0:18:55 > 0:18:58HE BREAKS WIND
0:18:58 > 0:19:02There, all done. Now, to make you that coffee.
0:19:02 > 0:19:05- Urgh...- Wilf!
0:19:05 > 0:19:07Oh, fire up the van.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10- Huh! - HE BREAKS WIND
0:19:10 > 0:19:11BELL RINGS
0:19:13 > 0:19:18And now, Hacker Time presents Paul and Hacker in Dog It!
0:19:24 > 0:19:28Well, I'm delighted to say this is going to be priceless.
0:19:28 > 0:19:29Hurray!
0:19:29 > 0:19:32No, the reaction on your face, that is, when I tell you,
0:19:32 > 0:19:35your grandmother's teapot isn't worth a penny.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37- Huh?! Oh! - CRASH
0:19:37 > 0:19:40Now, has anybody else got a possession that needs valuing?
0:19:40 > 0:19:44- I've got an antique ring. - Ooh, where is it?- Right here.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46OLD RING TONE PLAYS
0:19:46 > 0:19:48This ring tone is so 1998.
0:19:48 > 0:19:51Hacker, have you got anything that's in mint condition?
0:19:51 > 0:19:53Course I have, yeah. This mint!
0:19:53 > 0:19:55It's a pity it's not in better condition though.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57I've been sucking on it for three weeks.
0:19:57 > 0:20:01What I need to see is something that could really fly at auction.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03Well, how about this?
0:20:03 > 0:20:05How much did that cost?
0:20:05 > 0:20:07Well, it was going cheap at half the price.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09At half the price! At half the price!
0:20:09 > 0:20:11- At half the price!- See.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13I have seen things like this before really fly
0:20:13 > 0:20:17and then, all of a sudden, they drop.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19- At half the price.- You were right.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22Oh, he must have been at my lentil curry.
0:20:22 > 0:20:24Now, what else have you brought in?
0:20:24 > 0:20:27- Well, I've got a very elaborate table.- Great.
0:20:27 > 0:20:30A very elaborate timetable of the Wigan bus routes. Look,
0:20:30 > 0:20:34it includes the 6:10 Hawkley Hall Circular. Hey?
0:20:34 > 0:20:36Enough of your nonsense, Hacker.
0:20:36 > 0:20:39- It's time for me to get on the rostrum.- Ooh.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46Great. That's got the steak tenderised.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48Time to start the proceedings.
0:20:48 > 0:20:5210, 12, 15, 18, 25, 30.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55Bingo! Hurray!
0:20:55 > 0:20:57Great, that's bingo done. Now, for the auction.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59What am I bid for this first lot?
0:20:59 > 0:21:014.10! No, 4.20.
0:21:01 > 0:21:035.15! 6.45!
0:21:03 > 0:21:057.50!
0:21:05 > 0:21:09- Hacker, you haven't even heard what I'm selling yet.- I know.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11I was still looking at the times on this Wigan bus timetable.
0:21:11 > 0:21:14I'm definitely getting the 7.50 back home.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16And now, for a final item of the day,
0:21:16 > 0:21:19who is going to start me off with a bid of £10,000?
0:21:19 > 0:21:21FLY BUZZES
0:21:21 > 0:21:23I don't know. A fly at auction.
0:21:23 > 0:21:26I'll just swat it away with this bidding paddle.
0:21:26 > 0:21:30That's £10,000 bid by Hacker T Dog.
0:21:30 > 0:21:31No!
0:21:31 > 0:21:33- 20,000!- No!
0:21:33 > 0:21:35- 30,000!- No!
0:21:35 > 0:21:37- 40,000!- No!
0:21:37 > 0:21:39£50,000!
0:21:39 > 0:21:44Oh! I'm ruined! Unless someone else bids in the next two seconds.
0:21:44 > 0:21:47£50,001!
0:21:47 > 0:21:49Fair warning, I'm selling to the man
0:21:49 > 0:21:51with the flat face and the wispy hair.
0:21:51 > 0:21:53Going once, going twice...
0:21:53 > 0:21:55Hurray!
0:21:55 > 0:21:59And that's a late bid from our furry friend Hacker T Dog.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02Sold for £600 billion!
0:22:03 > 0:22:05What have I just bought?
0:22:05 > 0:22:09This Hacker Time script full of worthless, antique jokes, of course.
0:22:09 > 0:22:14- Oh, could this day get any worse? - Yep, I'm afraid it could.
0:22:14 > 0:22:19By my watch, you've just missed the 7.50 bus home.
0:22:19 > 0:22:20Budgies!
0:22:21 > 0:22:24What's the worst thing you've ever bought, Father?
0:22:24 > 0:22:28This television, because I have to watch rubbish like this!
0:22:28 > 0:22:30HE CHUCKLES
0:22:30 > 0:22:31HE SNORES
0:22:31 > 0:22:32'Now on Hacker Time,
0:22:32 > 0:22:34'it's time to join Luke and Leia'
0:22:34 > 0:22:39for more Lost And Found...And Lost Again.
0:22:39 > 0:22:42# Lost and found
0:22:42 > 0:22:43# Then lost again. #
0:22:43 > 0:22:49HACKER SHOUTS
0:22:49 > 0:22:52- You're making a terrible racket! - I know.
0:22:52 > 0:22:53It's badminton later.
0:22:53 > 0:22:57This is a recording studio. You should be making music.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59If only I could.
0:22:59 > 0:23:03# Tried to learn some instruments but it's a total no-go
0:23:03 > 0:23:06# I can teach you how to play a great piano solo
0:23:06 > 0:23:10# Once I'm done with teaching you you'll play the harp and oboe
0:23:10 > 0:23:14# What about this saxophone? Is it contract or pay-as-you-go?
0:23:14 > 0:23:15# Why can't I play the Irish flute?
0:23:15 > 0:23:17# Because that is a piece of fruit
0:23:17 > 0:23:19# What about this xylophone?
0:23:19 > 0:23:21# That's just a pile of bones
0:23:21 > 0:23:23# Time to start with something simple
0:23:23 > 0:23:24# Make a noise on this here cymbal
0:23:24 > 0:23:26# Or play the big bass drum
0:23:26 > 0:23:28# But I am devoid of thumb
0:23:28 > 0:23:31# I can't get a decent tune out of this antique French bassoon
0:23:31 > 0:23:35- # You're blowing into a baboon - Oh, yeah!
0:23:35 > 0:23:37# I've formed my own string quartet
0:23:37 > 0:23:39# You've brought the wrong castanet
0:23:39 > 0:23:40# But it helps me catch this eel
0:23:40 > 0:23:43# He's teaching me to play the glockenspiel
0:23:43 > 0:23:46# I have had enough of you Gonna emigrate to China
0:23:46 > 0:23:50# You don't know the difference between your major and your minor
0:23:50 > 0:23:53# Who cares about triangles the cor anglais or trumpet?
0:23:53 > 0:23:57# Think I'll have a milky brew and eat this lovely crumpet. #
0:23:57 > 0:24:01Er... That's not a crumpet. That's a harpsichord, Leia.
0:24:01 > 0:24:03Ahh-ahh-ahh!
0:24:07 > 0:24:11And now, we come to the climax of the show,
0:24:11 > 0:24:13the quiz that we like to call...
0:24:13 > 0:24:16# Beam my guest
0:24:16 > 0:24:20# Beam my guest
0:24:20 > 0:24:23- ALL:- # Beam my guest
0:24:23 > 0:24:27- # Beam! # - Guest, my guest, beam!
0:24:27 > 0:24:31Paul, and indeed, Martin, how much do you both want to go home?
0:24:31 > 0:24:34I really want to go. In fact, we both want to go home.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36- We've had enough. - Well, now's your chance.
0:24:36 > 0:24:40You are standing in my genuine 17th-century teleporter.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42I'm going to ask you a series of questions.
0:24:42 > 0:24:45- Get enough answers right and you'll be beamed back home.- Let's do it!
0:24:45 > 0:24:48Fail miserably, however, and you'll go somewhere much worse.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50- How does that sound?- Not good.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52The time will end when you hear this sound...
0:24:52 > 0:24:55At half the price. At half the price.
0:24:55 > 0:24:57- Are you ready?- Yes.
0:24:57 > 0:25:00In that case, start the clock!
0:25:00 > 0:25:02Who is the Victorian era named after?
0:25:02 > 0:25:03Queen Victoria.
0:25:03 > 0:25:06No, it's King Era of Luxembourg, or something.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08Cheap antiques are said to be going for a what?
0:25:08 > 0:25:10- A song?- If you insist.
0:25:10 > 0:25:13SINGS: I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts...
0:25:13 > 0:25:16Asking the next question is Trevor Tordjman,
0:25:16 > 0:25:19star of The Next Step and Lost And Found Music Studios.
0:25:19 > 0:25:21I play James, who's a drummer.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24So, that means my favourite food is chicken...?
0:25:24 > 0:25:25Drumsticks.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27Let's see if you're right.
0:25:27 > 0:25:30You're incorrect. Completely wrong, in fact. It's just chicken.
0:25:30 > 0:25:33Straight up. Actually, I already gave you the answer.
0:25:33 > 0:25:36Next question, how many years have you been hosting "Flog It!"?
0:25:36 > 0:25:3815.
0:25:38 > 0:25:41No. The answer is too many years.
0:25:41 > 0:25:45Now, Paul, Herman's holding two objects that together
0:25:45 > 0:25:48represent a famous job, but what is it?
0:25:48 > 0:25:49Auctioneering.
0:25:49 > 0:25:51No. It's hammer listener.
0:25:51 > 0:25:54It's someone who listens to the personal problems of hammers
0:25:54 > 0:25:55and gives them advice.
0:25:55 > 0:25:57What is an antique?
0:25:57 > 0:25:59Something that's around 100 years old.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01No. This is an "ant-eek".
0:26:01 > 0:26:04- Eek!- Hey, do you understand?
0:26:04 > 0:26:06It was an ant saying "eek".
0:26:06 > 0:26:09At half the price. At half the price.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11Time's up. Lolly, what's his total?
0:26:11 > 0:26:16Oh, I don't know. I was too busy giving this hammer some advice.
0:26:16 > 0:26:20Yeah, you see, you should have more confidence in yourself. Yeah.
0:26:20 > 0:26:21That was weird.
0:26:21 > 0:26:25Which means, you'll soon be going, going, gone back home.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27What do you think about that, cocker?
0:26:27 > 0:26:29Brilliant! Get me out of here.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32Will do. It's time to beam my guest!
0:26:32 > 0:26:35Oh, Herman, make sure you don't accidentally send him elsewhere.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37Don't worry, Mr Hacker.
0:26:37 > 0:26:39HE LAUGHS
0:26:40 > 0:26:42No! Don't send me there!
0:26:45 > 0:26:47I'm sure Paul and Martin are just fine.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55That's almost it for today.
0:26:55 > 0:26:59I'm off to cook a pork loin in a marinade of parsley and torment.
0:26:59 > 0:27:02But first, I shall sing my abhorrent end song.
0:27:02 > 0:27:03Join in if you know the words.
0:27:09 > 0:27:11# That is it for now The end of the show
0:27:11 > 0:27:13# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go
0:27:13 > 0:27:16# I'll see you next time on this show of mine
0:27:16 > 0:27:18# Put it in your diary - it's called Hacker Time
0:27:18 > 0:27:21# It's been amazing there's been joy, fun and laugher
0:27:21 > 0:27:23# This could be the year we win our first BAFTA
0:27:23 > 0:27:25# Join again next time cos we've got much more
0:27:25 > 0:27:28# There'll be tons of other funny stuff - it will be top drawer
0:27:28 > 0:27:30# Paul Martin, the antique man
0:27:30 > 0:27:32# Helped me choose a load of things to flog
0:27:32 > 0:27:34# I told him lots of ancient jokes
0:27:34 > 0:27:37# But after eating a lentil curry I ended up on an old Victorian bog
0:27:37 > 0:27:40# That is it for now The end of the show
0:27:40 > 0:27:42# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go
0:27:42 > 0:27:44# I'll see you next time on this show of mine
0:27:44 > 0:27:47# Put it in your diary - it's called Hacker Time
0:27:47 > 0:27:49# Put it in your diary - it's called Hacker Time
0:27:49 > 0:27:52# That is the end of today's Hacker Time! #
0:27:54 > 0:27:56I do have more confidence!
0:27:56 > 0:27:59I'm confident this is the worst show I've ever seen!