0:00:02 > 0:00:05# Gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians
0:00:05 > 0:00:07# Ferocious fights, daring knights
0:00:07 > 0:00:10# Horrors that defy description Awful Egyptians
0:00:10 > 0:00:12# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes
0:00:12 > 0:00:14# Roman rotten, rank and ruthless
0:00:14 > 0:00:18# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages
0:00:18 > 0:00:23# Gory stories, we do that and your host - a talking rat
0:00:23 > 0:00:27# The past is no longer a mystery Welcome to...
0:00:27 > 0:00:32# Horrible Histories. #
0:00:37 > 0:00:41It was great being a Roman, but it wasn't glamorous.
0:00:41 > 0:00:45We didn't even have toilet paper.
0:00:47 > 0:00:48Have you ever wondered
0:00:48 > 0:00:53if there was an alternative to wiping your bottom with your hand?
0:00:53 > 0:00:55Well, now there is.
0:00:57 > 0:01:00No, not that, silly.
0:01:00 > 0:01:03You need to try new Sponge-On-A-Stick.
0:01:03 > 0:01:08Simply put the sponge in water and wipe...
0:01:08 > 0:01:11..again and again.
0:01:11 > 0:01:16Yes, it's that easy, with new Sponge-On-A-Stick.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19Andrexus!
0:01:19 > 0:01:21Andrexus!
0:01:21 > 0:01:23Yes, Sponge-On-A-Stick.
0:01:23 > 0:01:27It's number one for number twos.
0:01:27 > 0:01:30Sponge is available from all leading market stalls
0:01:30 > 0:01:33and stick is available from all leading trees.
0:01:33 > 0:01:38It's true - Romans have some pretty funny ways of keeping clean.
0:01:38 > 0:01:42I mean, what could be sillier than a sponge on a stick?
0:01:42 > 0:01:44Well, this could.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47Hi, honey, I'm home.
0:01:48 > 0:01:49SHE GAGS
0:01:49 > 0:01:52Do you suffer from body odour?
0:01:52 > 0:01:57Do you smell like a horde of barbarians have died in your armpits?
0:01:57 > 0:02:01Then you need the ice cool blast of new Viper deodorant.
0:02:01 > 0:02:06Viper's powerful deodorising powder is made by catching a viper,
0:02:06 > 0:02:08killing it and grinding its bones.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11- HISSING - Ow!
0:02:11 > 0:02:14Hi, honey, I'm home.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18Mmm, darling, you smell wonderful.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20Thanks.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29Oh dear, he's dead.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31Warning - catching vipers may result in death
0:02:31 > 0:02:34which makes you smell even worse. Always read the label.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37Oh, phew, that's better.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40Pass me the Sponge-On-A-Stick, will you, Marcus?
0:02:40 > 0:02:44Hmm, oh, thanks.
0:02:44 > 0:02:48Argh! That's just the stick!
0:02:48 > 0:02:50Sorry, the sponge must have fallen off the end.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52Oh, I got splinters!
0:02:52 > 0:02:54Here you are, dry your eyes.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57Thanks, oh!
0:03:00 > 0:03:03Oh, that's where the sponge went!
0:03:07 > 0:03:12Viewers may like to know that all the slang in the following sketch
0:03:12 > 0:03:14is genuine Victorian slang.
0:03:14 > 0:03:15Good day.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20- Oi, mister, get the peelers! - Er, not today, thank you.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22The Peelers, the crushers!
0:03:22 > 0:03:24Quick! Someone's kiddy-nipped me spangle.
0:03:24 > 0:03:28I do have a passing acquaintance with the language of the street
0:03:28 > 0:03:30and I believe this chap is in need of some assistance.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33- Go ahead, young fellow. - I need the Peelers, Mister.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36I've been kiddy-nipped, they've taken me spangle.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39He would like us to make contact with the police
0:03:39 > 0:03:41as someone has pickpocketed his money.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43- Oh, good grief. - Tell us exactly what happened.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45Well, I was going past the pan...
0:03:45 > 0:03:48- He was passing the workhouse.- ..when this snick fadger...- A coin thief.
0:03:48 > 0:03:53- Took me spangle.- Stole his money.- At first I thought he was just a doddy.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55He believed this man was just an idiot.
0:03:55 > 0:03:59- Then I thought he was a fogle hunter.- A handkerchief thief.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01It turned out he was more interested in me kettle and tackle.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04- He was after his... - Watch and chain.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06I tried to yaffle, Sir, honestly, I did
0:04:06 > 0:04:08before I got a ding on the coconut!
0:04:08 > 0:04:10I think I understand. You're saying
0:04:10 > 0:04:13you tried to scream, before he savagely hit you on the head.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15You're really picking this up.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17Well, we must do something to help.
0:04:17 > 0:04:21Take this handkerchief, pocket watch and this modest wallet of monies.
0:04:21 > 0:04:26I hope this goes some way to helping you get back on your feet.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28Thanks, Mister, you...
0:04:28 > 0:04:30you Tom Tug!
0:04:30 > 0:04:31HE LAUGHS
0:04:31 > 0:04:32Tom Tug.
0:04:32 > 0:04:33It means fool. I think.
0:04:33 > 0:04:38It seems we may just have been tricked...by a Toby.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40A street robber.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43Good grief! How could I have been such a cod's head?
0:04:43 > 0:04:44You gump.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46- River rat.- Wobbler.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49How dare you? Pudding snammer!
0:05:01 > 0:05:03The answer is...
0:05:05 > 0:05:08There was so much crime, Sir Robert Peel invented policemen,
0:05:08 > 0:05:11known as Peelers, after him.
0:05:16 > 0:05:21Victorian motor cars could travel at the mindboggling speed
0:05:21 > 0:05:22of four miles per hour.
0:05:22 > 0:05:25A man would walk in front of the car with a red flag
0:05:25 > 0:05:28to warn people crossing the road of their impending doom.
0:05:28 > 0:05:34It was a good job, apart from when the car was travelling downhill.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36Hmm.
0:05:36 > 0:05:40And, when the car was trying to climb up a hill.
0:05:42 > 0:05:46The job itself became totally impossible in 1896
0:05:46 > 0:05:50when the speed limit was increased to 14 miles per hour.
0:05:52 > 0:05:53CAR HORN HONKS
0:06:03 > 0:06:06Grub's up. It's Ready, Steady, Feast.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09And our first guest is Tudor peasant Bertha.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11Please welcome Bertha the peasant.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13APPLAUSE
0:06:13 > 0:06:16Bertha, what's your first ingredient?
0:06:16 > 0:06:18A turnip.
0:06:18 > 0:06:22That's not going to be very nice on its own. What else have you brought?
0:06:22 > 0:06:26- Another turnip. - Ah, and what are you going to make?
0:06:26 > 0:06:29Today I'm going to make turnip soup.
0:06:29 > 0:06:33Then roast turnip followed by turnip crumble.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36Followed by rickets, scurvy and malnutrition.
0:06:36 > 0:06:37Let's meet our second guest,
0:06:37 > 0:06:42Tudor aristocrat Earl Richard Scarsbrook.
0:06:42 > 0:06:43Ah, my lady.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46Ooh, no.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49Earl Richard, what have you brought with you?
0:06:49 > 0:06:53I've brought a whole salmon.
0:06:53 > 0:06:54A swan.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57Aagh, wild boar.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00- HE LAUGHS - Yes.
0:07:00 > 0:07:04A haunch of finest venison.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07- And a pie. - What's in that pie?- Just starlings.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10Oh, so, what are you going to make?
0:07:10 > 0:07:13I'm going to make baked salmon, pig stuffed with swan
0:07:13 > 0:07:15and a whole roast deer.
0:07:15 > 0:07:18Followed by bloatedness and a nasty case of gout
0:07:18 > 0:07:19and life-threatening diabetes.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22Hey, you should eat more veg.
0:07:22 > 0:07:28Yes, I suppose I could do with more vegetables. I'll take the turnips.
0:07:28 > 0:07:29Isn't that a little bit mean?
0:07:29 > 0:07:30Nonsense.
0:07:30 > 0:07:34She can have the scraps, after the dogs have finished with them.
0:07:34 > 0:07:38Oh, it'll be just like Christmas, only better.
0:07:39 > 0:07:40Grub's up.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44Don't touch me, Bertha.
0:07:44 > 0:07:48Diabetes and gout are diseases which can be caused
0:07:48 > 0:07:50by eating too much rich food.
0:07:50 > 0:07:53It's thought that Henry VIII had them both when he died
0:07:53 > 0:07:55and I can believe that.
0:07:55 > 0:08:00Henry's food was so rich, it probably had its own bank account.
0:08:00 > 0:08:03And if you think our eating habits were horrible,
0:08:03 > 0:08:06you should check out some of our Tudor beauty treatments.
0:08:08 > 0:08:09PHONE RINGS
0:08:09 > 0:08:11Historical Hairdressers.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13Hair today, gone tomorrow.
0:08:16 > 0:08:20So, Mary, how was your journey from Tudor times?
0:08:20 > 0:08:23- Long.- Oh, I bet it was.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26Right, that should dye your hair blonde in no time.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29The dye is quite smelly.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32Yeah, it's a traditional Tudor dye.
0:08:32 > 0:08:33A mixture of sulphur and lead
0:08:33 > 0:08:36but it'll make your hair lovely and blonde.
0:08:36 > 0:08:39It will make your hair fall out but that's Tudor fashion for you.
0:08:42 > 0:08:43We do have a number of add-ons
0:08:43 > 0:08:46which have been proving very popular recently.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48Will you bring me through those hair extensions?
0:08:48 > 0:08:53Will you stop messing about when I've got a customer in?
0:08:53 > 0:08:55There we are.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58Your very own pony tail from an actual pony.
0:08:58 > 0:09:03I mean, they look fantastic and they keep the flies away too.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09Oh, now, Mary.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11I can't help noticing these freckles.
0:09:11 > 0:09:14You know, they're very unfashionable in Tudor times.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16- Are they?- But don't worry.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19There's a new sulphur treatment which will literally burn them off.
0:09:19 > 0:09:23- That sounds quite painful. - Oh, it's ever so popular.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25- Oh, OK.- And we can disguise the scarring
0:09:25 > 0:09:28with a new line of Tudor make-up that's just come in.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31Shelley, the make-up.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35Right.
0:09:35 > 0:09:39Now it's all-natural ingredients, it's lead and vinegar.
0:09:39 > 0:09:41My skin is quite sensitive.
0:09:41 > 0:09:42Oh, don't worry.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45We test all our products out on Shelley first, don't we, Shelley?
0:09:46 > 0:09:47Oh, oh!
0:09:47 > 0:09:52Right. Are you ready for the finishing touches
0:09:52 > 0:09:54to your Tudor makeover?
0:09:54 > 0:09:55Lay back.
0:09:55 > 0:09:59- Ugh, what is it? - Oh, it's belladonna.
0:09:59 > 0:10:04It'll really make your eyes sparkle but it's deadly poisonous. OK and up.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07- What do you think?- I don't know.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09I think the belladonna's made me go blind.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12Oh, well, I mean, it was worth it.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15You look absolutely sensational.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20Ooh, that is not a good look!
0:10:20 > 0:10:23You know, if you were a woman back then,
0:10:23 > 0:10:26it was fashionable to have red hair like Queen Elizabeth.
0:10:26 > 0:10:30But the only way to do it was to dye your hair with wee.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32Yes, that's right, with wee.
0:10:32 > 0:10:36Funny, I'd have thought wee would turn it yellow and, no,
0:10:36 > 0:10:38I'm not going to try it to find out.
0:10:42 > 0:10:48Hello again. When we Romans arrived in Britain about 2,000 years ago,
0:10:48 > 0:10:53we found it was full of Celts and they were a really savage bunch.
0:10:55 > 0:10:59Oh, I love what you've done to the garden!
0:10:59 > 0:11:01Well, we like it.
0:11:01 > 0:11:05- I love the severed heads on spikes. - It's a traditional Celtic thing.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08I love it. It's low maintenance and it wards off the burglars.
0:11:08 > 0:11:09I can see that, yes.
0:11:09 > 0:11:13Well, I mean, we needed to do something nice with them.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16You know, the shed is full of severed heads.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18It's Alan, he's always bringing them back from battle.
0:11:18 > 0:11:22Yep, my Bill's just the same, he brought three home just last week.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25- Oh, have any of yours got magical powers?- Hey?
0:11:25 > 0:11:29Well, it's just that I've got this one head that utters prophesies.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32I've heard about those. What does it say?
0:11:32 > 0:11:35Oh, it's a bit vague, to be honest.
0:11:35 > 0:11:39Um. Bad things afoot. Dark days beckon. Things like that, really.
0:11:39 > 0:11:43I mean, ask him if it's the right day for putting the washing out,
0:11:43 > 0:11:44you won't get a straight answer.
0:11:44 > 0:11:49Still, it's nice for me to have a bit of a chat while I'm doing the weeds.
0:11:49 > 0:11:52- Evening, ladies. - Hi, Alan.- Hello, love.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54Darling, I've got a surprise for you.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57Oh, whatever could it be?
0:11:57 > 0:11:59It's not another severed head, is it?
0:11:59 > 0:12:03It's a pure gold necklace beset with ruby and jade.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05Oh...
0:12:05 > 0:12:09Well, that's, er, that's lovely. Thank you, Alan.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11Not really, it's a severed head!
0:12:12 > 0:12:13Oh, honestly!
0:12:15 > 0:12:19Today is a good day to hang the washing out.
0:12:19 > 0:12:24Now that is more like it, thank you.
0:12:24 > 0:12:25Urgh, horrible.
0:12:25 > 0:12:29Imagine that! Showing off a collection of severed heads.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31Maybe you could collect the whole set
0:12:31 > 0:12:33by swapping them with your friends.
0:12:34 > 0:12:39Warrior! Fight your way through history.
0:12:39 > 0:12:44Be a Roman soldier, defending the empire against all who challenge it.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46Select armour.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49Tunic. Shin guards. Belt.
0:12:49 > 0:12:54Breast plates. Arm plates. Helmet.
0:12:54 > 0:12:55Selection complete.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58Or be a terrifying Celtic warrior.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00Sworn to fight to the death.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02Selection - Celtic warrior.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04Select armour.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06Gold neck band.
0:13:06 > 0:13:07Selection complete.
0:13:09 > 0:13:10Warrior.
0:13:10 > 0:13:14Which warrior is mightier?
0:13:14 > 0:13:16Oh, you're naked!
0:13:16 > 0:13:18Recreate genuine battle techniques.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21Celtic warrior, warp spasm selected.
0:13:21 > 0:13:25The Celts' mad fighting frenzy.
0:13:25 > 0:13:29And the Romans' well-drilled fighting techniques.
0:13:29 > 0:13:32Phalanx mode selected.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35Will Roman slaughter Celt?
0:13:35 > 0:13:38Player one, reinforcements selected.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41Or will Celt slaughter Roman?
0:13:41 > 0:13:44Or will Celt slaughter Celt?
0:13:44 > 0:13:47They got so fired up in their battle frenzy,
0:13:47 > 0:13:51that they ended up killing anyone, friend or foe.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53Warrior!
0:13:58 > 0:13:59Urgh!
0:14:14 > 0:14:15It's...
0:14:15 > 0:14:16false.
0:14:16 > 0:14:19They would kill their wives, then kill themselves
0:14:19 > 0:14:23so the enemy wouldn't be able to take anyone prisoner.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30Time again for our fairy tale series
0:14:30 > 0:14:34where the stories are retold in different historical settings.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41If was a terrible time for the people of Hamlyn,
0:14:41 > 0:14:44for the whole city was infested with rats.
0:14:44 > 0:14:46Urgh!
0:14:46 > 0:14:50Oh, these rats are everywhere! Eurgh!
0:14:50 > 0:14:54Just then, a mysterious stranger appeared.
0:14:55 > 0:14:59I, the Pied Piper, shall rid you of these pests
0:14:59 > 0:15:02but I warn you the price will be very high.
0:15:02 > 0:15:05Unfortunately, this was the Middle Ages
0:15:05 > 0:15:07so the rats were all carrying the Black Death.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09Eurgh!
0:15:11 > 0:15:13Oh.
0:15:13 > 0:15:17And so, instead of luring the rats away from Hamlyn,
0:15:17 > 0:15:20the Pied Piper also caught the Black Death and died.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22HE COUGHS
0:15:25 > 0:15:27The end.
0:15:28 > 0:15:32The Black Death is what they called the Plague in the Middle Ages.
0:15:32 > 0:15:36It killed off one third of the population of Europe.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39More than 25 million people.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41That's more people than I've got fleas.
0:15:41 > 0:15:43Oh, that's itchy.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46Bring out your dead, bring out your dead.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49- Here, will you take my Bert, will you?- Plague, was it?
0:15:49 > 0:15:52You will give him a proper burial, won't you?
0:15:52 > 0:15:54Course. I'll chuck him in the pit with all the others.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57Oh, good. It's what he would have wanted.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00It's worrying though, this plague thing. I mean, where's it come from?
0:16:00 > 0:16:03Well, I'm glad you asked me that.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38Pong!
0:16:40 > 0:16:42Dong!
0:16:44 > 0:16:46Gone.
0:18:01 > 0:18:05Bring out your dead, bring out your dead.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09Bring out your dead.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34The answer is...
0:18:37 > 0:18:38Agh!
0:18:38 > 0:18:43But not all ruthless rulers got on so badly with their family.
0:18:49 > 0:18:54Our guest today had a series of major wars named after him.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56He was a general, an emperor.
0:18:56 > 0:19:00He is still the most famous Frenchman in history.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02Please welcome Napoleon Bonaparte.
0:19:02 > 0:19:07Napoleon, this is your reign.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09Oh, ciao, ciao!
0:19:09 > 0:19:11Grazie, grazie, grazie.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13Wait till I tell my family about this.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15They go crazy. Crazy they go.
0:19:15 > 0:19:20Oh, sorry, you're the French emperor, Napoleon?
0:19:20 > 0:19:22Si, si, I am Napoleon. I'm the big chief, innit?
0:19:23 > 0:19:26But your accent, you sound kind of Italian.
0:19:26 > 0:19:30Ah, well, no, si. You notice that, you are smart boy, we get on good.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33Maybe we go for some pizza, maybe some pasta, you like-a the pasta?
0:19:33 > 0:19:36I was expecting you to be French.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39Oh, si, si. I get that all the time. I'm from Corsica, innit?
0:19:39 > 0:19:41It's kind of near France, kind of near Italy.
0:19:41 > 0:19:45Well, whatever. Your achievements are beyond question.
0:19:45 > 0:19:50- Si.- As a general, you defeated the Spanish, the Venetians,
0:19:50 > 0:19:54the Prussians, the Russians, the Austrians, just to name a few.
0:19:54 > 0:19:57So it's not surprising that so many important people
0:19:57 > 0:19:59wanted to join us tonight.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01So, please welcome the King of Holland.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03Oh!
0:20:03 > 0:20:07Ciao, ciao! Napoleon-e!
0:20:07 > 0:20:10What you done to your hair? What's all this?
0:20:10 > 0:20:12It's the latest thing in The Hague.
0:20:12 > 0:20:17Hang on. You're supposed to be Dutch. How come you've got the same accent?
0:20:17 > 0:20:20He's my bruv. I conquered the countries and give him the crown,
0:20:20 > 0:20:21it's a birthday present.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24I can't buy him socks, he's got a wool allergy.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26OK. Let's bring out some more guests
0:20:26 > 0:20:28because this isn't a family reunion show.
0:20:28 > 0:20:31So, please, can we welcome the King of Spain!
0:20:34 > 0:20:37The Duchess of Tuscany.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40The Prince of Canino.
0:20:40 > 0:20:44The Queen of Naples.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46The Prince of Westphalia.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54Hang on, what's going on?
0:20:54 > 0:20:57These are all me brothers and sisters, innit?
0:20:57 > 0:21:01I conquered all the countries so I give it to me family.
0:21:01 > 0:21:03This empire is a family business.
0:21:03 > 0:21:04All right.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07Look, our last guest...
0:21:07 > 0:21:09certainly isn't a family member.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12So, no surprises on the accent here.
0:21:12 > 0:21:17Please welcome the greatest English general of his day,
0:21:17 > 0:21:19the Duke of Wellington.
0:21:19 > 0:21:23CHEERING
0:21:23 > 0:21:25Top of the morning to you, and a fine day it is so.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28If it's not, may I be sent straight to hell to live with
0:21:28 > 0:21:30all the nasty leprechauns down there
0:21:30 > 0:21:33or my name's not Arthur Wellesley, the Duke of Wellington.
0:21:33 > 0:21:37- You're Irish.- Quite so, born and bred on the Emerald Isle.
0:21:37 > 0:21:39- Fiddly-diddly-dee.- So...
0:21:39 > 0:21:41Let me get this straight.
0:21:41 > 0:21:45England's great general is actually Irish
0:21:45 > 0:21:49- and France's great emperor is actually Corsican.- Si.
0:21:49 > 0:21:52Napoleon Bonaparte, this is your very confusing reign.
0:21:52 > 0:21:55Oh, grazie, grazie, grazie.
0:21:55 > 0:21:59- Take your hand out of your jacket, you look silly.- You ask for it.
0:22:02 > 0:22:05I was holding up my trousers, wasn't I, bruv? Huh!
0:22:06 > 0:22:09HE LAUGHS
0:22:09 > 0:22:13Now, Napoleon did always go round with his hands in his jacket,
0:22:13 > 0:22:15but it wasn't to hold up his trousers.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17No, it was to massage his stomach
0:22:17 > 0:22:20because he had crippling stomach pain.
0:22:20 > 0:22:24Probably because someone had tried to poison him with arsenic.
0:22:24 > 0:22:26Well, either that or he'd eaten a dodgy snail.
0:22:33 > 0:22:39Ha! We Spartans were the most famous warriors in all of ancient Greece
0:22:39 > 0:22:45and it was here in Thermopylae that we fought out most famous battle.
0:22:45 > 0:22:48Right, there you go, Spartan, prepare for war!
0:22:48 > 0:22:51- Excellent.- Next.
0:22:51 > 0:22:52Hello.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54Right, there's your shield.
0:22:54 > 0:22:56Nice.
0:22:56 > 0:22:59- Your helmet.- Oh.
0:22:59 > 0:23:03- Pair of greaves. - Lovely, protect the old shins.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10- And the rest?- What rest? That's it.
0:23:10 > 0:23:13This is all I get?
0:23:13 > 0:23:16Of course it's all you get.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19This is true Spartan warrior armour.
0:23:19 > 0:23:20Naked warrior, more like!
0:23:20 > 0:23:23Look at that shield, it hardly covers my nipples.
0:23:23 > 0:23:25Well, it's one size fits all.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27Can I at least have something to protect my back?
0:23:27 > 0:23:31- You got your cloak.- Oh, lovely.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34Yeah, so I can get impaled by swords, spears and arrows
0:23:34 > 0:23:37but at least I won't get sunburnt. Brilliant.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40Enough!
0:23:40 > 0:23:43It is an honour to die in battle.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46Cross, cross, cross, cross!
0:23:46 > 0:23:49Dong, dong, dong!
0:23:49 > 0:23:52Heh, heh, bwah, bwah!
0:23:52 > 0:23:56Argh, errgh!
0:23:59 > 0:24:04I don't think I want to. I mean, what actually are our chances here?
0:24:04 > 0:24:06How many of us are there?
0:24:06 > 0:24:08You're a part of 300 Spartan warriors
0:24:08 > 0:24:11who will fight the Persians at Thermopylae.
0:24:11 > 0:24:16300 of our finest Spartan warriors, that's good. How many Persians?
0:24:16 > 0:24:18250.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20250!
0:24:20 > 0:24:24We're gonna clean up. This will be like spearing fish in a barrel.
0:24:24 > 0:24:28Dep-dep-dep-dep!
0:24:28 > 0:24:33250,000 Persians, my friend.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38I won't be needing these.
0:24:38 > 0:24:40What? You're not scared?
0:24:40 > 0:24:42I'm not fighting.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44Mummy!
0:24:48 > 0:24:53This is HH TV News bringing you live news direct from the past.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55This just in from ancient Greece.
0:24:55 > 0:25:00It's 480BC and the battle of Thermopylae is currently raging.
0:25:00 > 0:25:03For the full story, we now go live to the battlefield
0:25:03 > 0:25:07and join our correspondent, Mike Peabody. Mike!
0:25:07 > 0:25:09Thanks, Sam.
0:25:09 > 0:25:13I'm here with a force of just 300 Spartan warriors
0:25:13 > 0:25:18who've been defending this narrow passage against a Persian army
0:25:18 > 0:25:20of over a quarter of a million men.
0:25:21 > 0:25:27Remarkably, the 300 brave Spartans have held their ground
0:25:27 > 0:25:28for some days now.
0:25:28 > 0:25:30Yes, what is it you're trying to say?
0:25:30 > 0:25:32Does my hair look OK?
0:25:32 > 0:25:34Yeah, it looks great.
0:25:34 > 0:25:37As you can see, Spartan warriors like to look good
0:25:37 > 0:25:39when they're fighting.
0:25:39 > 0:25:43Kill them! Kill them all!
0:25:43 > 0:25:45I can see just over my left shoulder here
0:25:45 > 0:25:49that the Spartan king Leonidas is addressing his soldiers.
0:25:49 > 0:25:52Let's go and see if we can get a word.
0:25:52 > 0:25:54Kill the barbarians!
0:25:54 > 0:25:56Kill them with your spears!
0:25:56 > 0:26:00When your spears break, kill them with your swords!
0:26:00 > 0:26:04When your swords break, kill them with your...teeth!
0:26:04 > 0:26:07King Leonidas, can I have a word?
0:26:07 > 0:26:08Yeah. Hi, who are you?
0:26:08 > 0:26:10Mike Peabody, HH TV news.
0:26:10 > 0:26:14Oh, does my hair look OK?
0:26:14 > 0:26:16Uh, so how's the battle going?
0:26:16 > 0:26:18Pretty well. We've killed about 20,000 Persians.
0:26:18 > 0:26:20Well, that is impressive.
0:26:20 > 0:26:21But to win the battle,
0:26:21 > 0:26:24your soldiers are going to need to kill over 1,000 Persians each.
0:26:24 > 0:26:28They've got so many archers, their arrows could blot out the sun.
0:26:28 > 0:26:30Then we shall fight them in the shade.
0:26:30 > 0:26:34That's quite a good line, I might use that in my next speech.
0:26:34 > 0:26:37Sire, a Persian messenger.
0:26:37 > 0:26:40Speak your piece, Persian. Sorry, Mike, this won't take a second.
0:26:40 > 0:26:42Not a problem.
0:26:42 > 0:26:46You cannot win this battle, we are too many.
0:26:46 > 0:26:51My master, the great Xerxes, demands you surrender your weapons.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53What is your reply?
0:26:53 > 0:26:55Come and get them.
0:26:55 > 0:26:58Oh, good line! I'll tell him.
0:26:58 > 0:27:01I've been trying to work that in for ages.
0:27:01 > 0:27:06Sire, the Persians have found a way behind us and we're surrounded.
0:27:06 > 0:27:08To me, Spartans, to me.
0:27:08 > 0:27:12Well, it looks like it's going to be a battle to the death.
0:27:12 > 0:27:16Here, under the glaring sun of Greece.
0:27:16 > 0:27:20Oh, something seems to have blotted the sun out, that's much better.
0:27:21 > 0:27:23Ah...
0:27:23 > 0:27:25Incoming!
0:27:25 > 0:27:27Um, ah, oh!
0:27:31 > 0:27:36This is Mike Peabody reporting for HH TV news.
0:27:36 > 0:27:40Argh, live from the battle of Thermopylae.
0:27:40 > 0:27:44Really wishing he was somewhere else.
0:27:44 > 0:27:48Has anybody got about 400 plasters?
0:27:49 > 0:27:53Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:27:53 > 0:27:57E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk