0:00:02 > 0:00:03# Terrible Tudors Gorgeous Georgians
0:00:03 > 0:00:04# Slimy Stuarts Vile Victorians
0:00:04 > 0:00:05# Woeful wars Ferocious fights
0:00:05 > 0:00:07# Dingy castles Daring knights
0:00:07 > 0:00:10# Horrors that defy description, Cutthroat Celts, awful Egyptians
0:00:10 > 0:00:12# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times!
0:00:12 > 0:00:13# Roman, rotten, rank and ruthless
0:00:13 > 0:00:15# Cavemen, savage, Fierce and toothless
0:00:15 > 0:00:16# Groovy Greeks Brainy sages
0:00:16 > 0:00:18# Mean and measly Middle Ages
0:00:18 > 0:00:20# Gory stories, we do that
0:00:20 > 0:00:23# And your host a talking rat
0:00:23 > 0:00:26# The past is no longer a mystery
0:00:26 > 0:00:32# Welcome to...Horrible Histories. #
0:00:40 > 0:00:42What on earth are you doing?
0:00:42 > 0:00:44- Bleaching Dad's tunic.- In that?
0:00:44 > 0:00:47- Yeah, you told me to.- No, I didn't.
0:00:47 > 0:00:49You said if I go to the loo in a bucket and leave it to
0:00:49 > 0:00:52ferment, it makes a great bleach for washing Dad's tunics.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55I meant when you go number ones, sweetheart.
0:00:55 > 0:00:57Ohh.
0:00:57 > 0:01:02I was gonna say, it doesn't look very white.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04Hi, I'm a shouty man,
0:01:04 > 0:01:08and I'm here to tell you about new Pee-Sil non-bio.
0:01:08 > 0:01:11Tired of your clothes smelling of number twos?
0:01:11 > 0:01:13Then why not wash them in number ones?
0:01:13 > 0:01:19Pee-Sil is the only detergent to use 100% recycled water.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21Let's just look at these results.
0:01:21 > 0:01:23Compared to water from the river,
0:01:23 > 0:01:26the fermented piddle in Pee-Sil is up to a bit per cent
0:01:26 > 0:01:30better at removing stubborn dirt and grime.
0:01:30 > 0:01:33And it has the fresh smell of old pants.
0:01:33 > 0:01:38So try new Pee-Sil non-bio today.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41So, you think that's disgusting?
0:01:41 > 0:01:44In the Middle Ages, lots of people went to the toilet
0:01:44 > 0:01:48through holes in the floor, straight onto the street below.
0:01:48 > 0:01:52We need to improve the toilets in our fair city as a matter of urgency.
0:01:52 > 0:01:56I quite agree, Councillor. It's fast becoming a real problem.
0:01:56 > 0:02:00I mean, these new-fangled upstairs toilets are all very well,
0:02:00 > 0:02:04but sticking your bottom through a hole and pooing directly
0:02:04 > 0:02:08onto the street does have its disadvantages for the passers-by.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12But it's better than the old days,
0:02:12 > 0:02:16when people used to throw whole buckets of poo out of the window.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18Mmm.
0:02:20 > 0:02:25It is an improvement, granted, but I don't think it's the best solution.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29Yes, this is the Middle Ages.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32I mean, surely someone can come up with a better system
0:02:32 > 0:02:37- than just having it land in the street.- Mm.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39We could have it land in the river.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41You put public toilets on the bridge,
0:02:41 > 0:02:43people stick their bottoms through holes,
0:02:43 > 0:02:45and then poo directly into the water.
0:02:45 > 0:02:48That's brilliant, Councillor.
0:02:48 > 0:02:51Hang on, what about the boatmen passing underneath?
0:02:51 > 0:02:53Mmm. Well, are you a boatman?
0:02:53 > 0:02:56- No.- Nor I. So, it's settled.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58Public toilets on the bridge it is.
0:03:05 > 0:03:06And the sooner, the better.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09- Yeah...- You've got some...
0:03:09 > 0:03:11Yes, I know.
0:03:12 > 0:03:16So try new Pee-Sil non-bio today.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19Wee! And the dirt is gone.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22And we only use natural ingredients...
0:03:27 > 0:03:29..for that yellowish tinge
0:03:29 > 0:03:31that means clean.
0:03:31 > 0:03:35- Warning - product contains really old wee-wee.- You think that's bad?
0:03:35 > 0:03:38- Us Romans used wee-wee for mouthwash.- That's disgusting!
0:03:38 > 0:03:40- Not in your mouth! - I was only saying.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42Get out.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44I can't help it if it's true.
0:03:48 > 0:03:52Stone Age long, long time ago.
0:03:52 > 0:03:56So nobody know exactly what caveman really like. Ohh!
0:03:56 > 0:04:01But for sure, caveman medicine not very good.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14We're going to have to intubate.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16Could be the aorta or the vena cava.
0:04:16 > 0:04:19I'll prep him. They're sending a specialist doctor?
0:04:19 > 0:04:23Yes, they're sending the very best there is. A Dr erm...
0:04:23 > 0:04:24Ugg. Hee.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27Ugg top Stone Age doctor.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29Ugg cure. Who sick?
0:04:29 > 0:04:31Er...this man.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34He has a problem with his blood vessel, the vena cava.
0:04:34 > 0:04:38Me know all about cava. Me a caveman!
0:04:38 > 0:04:41Huh, huh, huh. Cave big hole in rock. Cave dark.
0:04:41 > 0:04:44Cave have bear in. Bear chase Ugg.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47Ugg fight bear. Egh, egh, egh, egh.
0:04:47 > 0:04:48Ooh.
0:04:48 > 0:04:52- Ow, my back.- You have back trouble?
0:04:52 > 0:04:54Why not you say? Ugg cure.
0:04:54 > 0:04:58Ugg do tattoo. Tattoo best Stone Age cure for back pain.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00No. I don't want to look like David Beckham.
0:05:00 > 0:05:01Ugg know best. You lie down.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03Ow! My head!
0:05:03 > 0:05:06Ugg know best cure for headache.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09- No, I need your help like I need a hole in the head.- How you know?
0:05:09 > 0:05:12- Hole in head best cure for headache. - What? No.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15No, no, no, no, no!
0:05:16 > 0:05:18WHACK!
0:05:21 > 0:05:24Actually, I'm feeling a lot better now. Thanks.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29Ha ha ha!
0:05:29 > 0:05:32You know, cavemen really did drill holes in people's heads
0:05:32 > 0:05:35to make the pain go away. It's called trepanning. That's right.
0:05:35 > 0:05:39Trepanning! Well, it would've stopped the pain all right.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41They'd probably be dead! Ha ha ha!
0:05:56 > 0:05:58The answer is...
0:06:01 > 0:06:03And if you think that's silly,
0:06:03 > 0:06:07you should see what Stone Age people did with their dead relatives.
0:06:10 > 0:06:11Uh, uh, uh.
0:06:13 > 0:06:19Hello and welcome to the Caveman Art Show. I'm Ugg and this is Grunt.
0:06:19 > 0:06:23We're going to announce the winner of our painting competition.
0:06:23 > 0:06:27First prize goes to little Agina of the desert caves.
0:06:27 > 0:06:28Uggh...
0:06:28 > 0:06:30She painted this lovely mammoth.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32Rock heavy.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34Thanks for sending that in, Agina.
0:06:34 > 0:06:38Urh! Ur, ur, ur...
0:06:38 > 0:06:39Idiot.
0:06:39 > 0:06:43Today, we're going to show you how to preserve the head of a dead relative,
0:06:43 > 0:06:46just like we do here in the Stone Age.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48First thing you need is a dead body.
0:06:50 > 0:06:54Oh, no, no. Don't worry, I've already got one, Grunt.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56Idiot.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58Here's my dead granny.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01First things first, I need to remove her head
0:07:01 > 0:07:04with a sharp stone, like this.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07SQUELCHING
0:07:07 > 0:07:10Once you've done that, you need to scrape off the skin
0:07:10 > 0:07:14and scoop out the brain so the skull's nice and clean.
0:07:14 > 0:07:18SQUELCHING CONTINUES
0:07:18 > 0:07:20Ah, there we are. Ha-ha-ha!
0:07:20 > 0:07:22The next thing we do is hit Grunt.
0:07:24 > 0:07:28Ha-ha-ha! That was just a joke. What we do next is fill
0:07:28 > 0:07:31up the skull with plaster and use the remaining plaster
0:07:31 > 0:07:34to build up the face so it resembles your loved one.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38Here's one I made earlier.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40Just like Granny.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42Now, we've got a couple of shells for the eyes.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47And there you go, just like Granny.
0:07:47 > 0:07:50- As you can see, she wasn't much of a looker.- Ugly buggly.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52Do you mind? It's my Nan.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54It's my Nan, at the end of the day.
0:07:54 > 0:07:57Yeah.
0:07:57 > 0:08:02Join us next week, when we'll have more of this. And more hitting Grunt.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04- Arh! Ohh.- Huh, uh.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06No, that's not funny. I can't see.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15Ladies and gentlemen, we are gathered here today to honour
0:08:15 > 0:08:17one of our most fearless flyers,
0:08:17 > 0:08:21who has done more to protect this country than almost any other.
0:08:21 > 0:08:25- I give you Mary the carrier pigeon. - APPLAUSE
0:08:27 > 0:08:30Mary has carried top secret messages
0:08:30 > 0:08:32from the front lines in Europe back to Britain.
0:08:32 > 0:08:35On her first mission, she was attacked and
0:08:35 > 0:08:40wounded by a German hawk specially trained to bash our brave birds.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43But the top secret message still got through.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45Two months later,
0:08:45 > 0:08:49she returned to action and this time came under fire.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51Had part of her wing blown off.
0:08:51 > 0:08:56But the vital message still got through.
0:08:56 > 0:08:59Then her pigeon home in Exeter was blasted by a bomb.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01WHISTLING
0:09:02 > 0:09:04BOOM!
0:09:04 > 0:09:07But Mary still lived to fly another day.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09APPLAUSE
0:09:09 > 0:09:13So we'd like to honour this faithful bird, this hardy survivor,
0:09:13 > 0:09:15veteran of countless missions
0:09:15 > 0:09:20with the Dickin Medal, awarded to animals for their work in war.
0:09:20 > 0:09:25- I'll just pin it to her. Oh, dear. - SQUAWK!
0:09:25 > 0:09:28Probably should have, er...hung
0:09:28 > 0:09:29it round her neck.
0:09:29 > 0:09:34Mary was a real pigeon from the war and did win a Dickin Medal.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36Of course, they didn't really pin it to her.
0:09:36 > 0:09:40She actually died in action after 22 missions.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43Lots of other pigeons were given medals in World War II,
0:09:43 > 0:09:46as well as plenty of dogs and three horses.
0:09:46 > 0:09:50But no rats. Typical! Rats never get anything.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52Well, apart from the plague.
0:09:52 > 0:09:56Of course, animals weren't the only World War II heroes.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59There were plenty of human ones as well.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07Squadron Leader Higgins, Herr Commandant.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10Ah, Squadron Leader. We meet again.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13Oh, have we met before?
0:10:13 > 0:10:17No, I just like the vay I sound ven I say that.
0:10:17 > 0:10:22I'm Commandant Klinsmann, the new head of this prisoner of war camp.
0:10:22 > 0:10:29I hope you enjoyed your brief taste of freedom, your 23rd escape,
0:10:29 > 0:10:31because it will be your last.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33Oh, dear.
0:10:33 > 0:10:38I have positioned additional guards here, here and here,
0:10:38 > 0:10:41making escape virtually impossible.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43Where did he go?
0:10:45 > 0:10:50He's done it again. Send 100 troops to find Squadron Le...
0:10:50 > 0:10:54- Cancel zat.- Squadron Leader Higgins, Herr Commandant.
0:10:54 > 0:11:00- Ah, Squadron Leader. We meet again. - Are we not counting just now?
0:11:00 > 0:11:04Shut up! Don't think I don't know what your game is here.
0:11:04 > 0:11:07You British officers are under orders to keep trying to escape,
0:11:07 > 0:11:10which means that our German soldiers
0:11:10 > 0:11:13spent all of zeir time chasing you down rather than fighting zis war.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15But not any more.
0:11:15 > 0:11:17I'm in charge here now.
0:11:17 > 0:11:24And you will find that I have eyes in the back of my head.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26Now vere did he go? Vot...?
0:11:28 > 0:11:31Send 300 soldiers to find Squadron Lead...
0:11:33 > 0:11:35Cancel zat.
0:11:35 > 0:11:39- Squadron Leader Higgins, Herr Commandant.- So, we meet again.
0:11:39 > 0:11:42Don't say zat! I say zat.
0:11:42 > 0:11:45You...You give me one good reason why I shouldn't just shoot you
0:11:45 > 0:11:47right here on the spot, hmm?
0:11:47 > 0:11:51Because the Geneva Convention means you can't shoot officers.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56Yes, forgot about zat.
0:11:56 > 0:12:01Ah, yes, I see you would like to get hold of my keys, yes?
0:12:01 > 0:12:04But let me tell you something.
0:12:04 > 0:12:08I'm afraid there are two things in this world that will never happen.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10Von, you will never win this war.
0:12:10 > 0:12:16And two, you will never get your hands on my keys.
0:12:18 > 0:12:22Zay have von zee war, ve have surrendered, every man for himself!
0:12:28 > 0:12:32Right. Zis one's for the front door, it's quite easy.
0:12:32 > 0:12:36Zis one's for the back gate. It's a little bit sticky,
0:12:36 > 0:12:38you might have to wiggle it a bit.
0:12:38 > 0:12:39Did you know that, during the war,
0:12:39 > 0:12:43lots of the Allied soldiers who kept escaping were moved to an old
0:12:43 > 0:12:48German castle called Colditz, because Colditz was meant to be escape-proof.
0:12:48 > 0:12:51But there were more escapes from Colditz than any other
0:12:51 > 0:12:52prisoner of war camp.
0:12:52 > 0:12:56Ha ha ha! I say, well done, chaps!
0:13:03 > 0:13:05# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths
0:13:05 > 0:13:08# They're funny cos they're true
0:13:08 > 0:13:10# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths
0:13:10 > 0:13:13# Hope next time it's not you. #
0:13:14 > 0:13:16Next.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18- Hello hello.- Name?
0:13:18 > 0:13:21Francis Bacon.
0:13:21 > 0:13:24- Year of death?- 1626.- Profession?
0:13:24 > 0:13:26Philosopher and academic.
0:13:26 > 0:13:30I'll just put workshy layabout. Method of death?
0:13:30 > 0:13:33Ah, well, I was journeying through the snow when suddenly I had
0:13:33 > 0:13:37a brilliant idea, that by freezing food, I could preserve it.
0:13:37 > 0:13:41I was anxious to try out my theory as soon as possible,
0:13:41 > 0:13:45so I went to a poor woman's house and bought a freshly-gutted chicken.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48I immediately stuffed it full of ice, packing it inside and out.
0:13:48 > 0:13:52- And did it work?- Oh, yes, yes, yes - the chicken was perfectly preserved.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55Hm. So, er, why are you here?
0:13:55 > 0:13:58Ah, well, during the experiment, I got very cold
0:13:58 > 0:14:00and contracted pneumonia and died.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03HE WHEEZES AND LAUGHS
0:14:03 > 0:14:06- From freezing a chicken?- Yes, yes...
0:14:06 > 0:14:08HE LAUGHS
0:14:10 > 0:14:13Oh, you're dead funny.
0:14:15 > 0:14:19I love my job sometimes, I do. Ohh.
0:14:19 > 0:14:20Next!
0:14:20 > 0:14:25# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths Hope next time it's not you. #
0:14:25 > 0:14:27That's right, it was a Stuart
0:14:27 > 0:14:30who first came up with the idea of freezing chickens.
0:14:30 > 0:14:35In fact, there were lots of new food ideas in Stuart times.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41- What is it, Pam?- What?
0:14:41 > 0:14:44You look like Charles I on the chopping block.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47Arh, it's that Cathy Jones next door, been showing off again.
0:14:47 > 0:14:52You know earlier she said to me, do you wanna come round for a coffee?
0:14:52 > 0:14:55- What's a coffee?- It's some horrible new drink apparently,
0:14:55 > 0:14:57and now she's just been round with a fork!
0:14:57 > 0:14:59The Joneses have got a fork?
0:14:59 > 0:15:03Well, they've got one each! None of this "spearing your food on a knife"
0:15:03 > 0:15:06malarkey for them, they've got to have the best, makes me sick!
0:15:06 > 0:15:09Yeah, and they've got this new ice cream stuff.
0:15:09 > 0:15:11And drinking chocolate.
0:15:11 > 0:15:15Well, I wouldn't worry about keeping up with the Joneses any more,
0:15:15 > 0:15:19because your old dad has got a special little something.
0:15:19 > 0:15:23Oh, wow. What is that?
0:15:23 > 0:15:25It's a banana.
0:15:25 > 0:15:29A banana? And has Mrs Jones got one of these?
0:15:29 > 0:15:32Certainly not. It's the first one on sale in the East End!
0:15:32 > 0:15:37- Oh, Mike, it's beautiful, it's gorgeous,- Yeah.
0:15:37 > 0:15:41- It's so, it's so yellow and so curved.- Ba-na-na!
0:15:41 > 0:15:44So, what's it for?
0:15:44 > 0:15:46- I think you eat it.- Oh, right.
0:15:46 > 0:15:50Oh, oh, that, that's, that's disgusting.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52- Oh, I'm sorry.- Oh, no matter.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57Cathy.
0:15:57 > 0:16:01Cath, look at me I've got a banana.
0:16:01 > 0:16:04Mmm, having lots of banana fun over here.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07Oh, look at...
0:16:07 > 0:16:12- Show off.- What is it? - Oh, she's waving her pineapple at me.
0:16:12 > 0:16:17- Why didn't you get me a pineapple?! - Well, no-one else has got a banana.
0:16:17 > 0:16:21Oh, well you eat it if you like it so much then. Go on.
0:16:27 > 0:16:28Mmm.
0:16:28 > 0:16:32Mrs Jones was showing off with that pineapple, because back in those days
0:16:32 > 0:16:34pineapples were really very rare,
0:16:34 > 0:16:38and very valuable, so only rich people could afford to have them,
0:16:38 > 0:16:41and instead of eating them they would keep them on display
0:16:41 > 0:16:43until they just rotted away.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46Rotten food shouldn't be on the mantlepiece,
0:16:46 > 0:16:48it should be in my tummy, hah!
0:17:04 > 0:17:07The answer is...
0:17:07 > 0:17:12A, snails boiled in milk - just add chopped worms to taste!
0:17:16 > 0:17:22Ancient Egyptians had some crazy ideas about home improvements.
0:17:22 > 0:17:29Hey, I'm King Pepi II, but you can call me pharaoh. Now I love Egypt.
0:17:29 > 0:17:32I've ruled the place since the age of six, for crying out loud.
0:17:32 > 0:17:36But if there's one thing that drives me mad about this country,
0:17:36 > 0:17:40it's all these pesky flies, would you get gone!
0:17:42 > 0:17:45It was driving me crazy.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48Until I invented, this!
0:17:48 > 0:17:51The King Pepi super sticky, anti-fly honey slave.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54Those pesky flies can't get enough of that sweet sticky stuff
0:17:54 > 0:17:56and I am talking honey,
0:17:56 > 0:17:58In fact, they're so busy flying around here,
0:17:58 > 0:18:00there are no flies on me.
0:18:00 > 0:18:03No Egyptian household is complete without one -
0:18:03 > 0:18:06I've got one in every room, and I got a lot of rooms!
0:18:06 > 0:18:10It's easy, take one slave, cover him in honey
0:18:10 > 0:18:13and enjoy hours of fly-free relaxation.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17So don't delay to keep those flies
0:18:17 > 0:18:21away, get your King Pepi super sticky, anti-fly honey slave today,
0:18:25 > 0:18:28If you think Pharaoh's lives were crazy,
0:18:28 > 0:18:30their deaths were even crazier.
0:18:30 > 0:18:34I mean, can you imagine the first time someone thought
0:18:34 > 0:18:36of being buried in a pyramid?
0:18:37 > 0:18:40It sort of reared up and then everything...
0:18:40 > 0:18:44Greetings mighty pharaoh, ruler of all Egypt.
0:18:46 > 0:18:50As requested oh, pharaoh, we have laid plans for your burial.
0:18:50 > 0:18:51Ah excellent.
0:18:51 > 0:18:57I must prepare for my journey to the afterlife and rebirth as a god.
0:18:57 > 0:19:04Yep, so what we thought for the grave was this. Ta-dum!
0:19:04 > 0:19:06Simple yet effective.
0:19:06 > 0:19:09Obviously we'll do the lettering in gold.
0:19:09 > 0:19:12Gentleman, I don't think you get the idea.
0:19:12 > 0:19:16- Oh, really?- I was thinking of something a little bigger.
0:19:16 > 0:19:20- No problem, we could get a bigger stone.- Bigger stone.- 2½ tonnes.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23- That's pretty heavy. - And not just one.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26Don't tell me, you want three.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29I was thinking two-and-a-half million.
0:19:29 > 0:19:32- Two-and-a-half million. - What you gonna do with all those?
0:19:32 > 0:19:35Pile them all up on top of each other or something?
0:19:35 > 0:19:39- Can you imagine that? It would be ridiculous!- Yes.
0:19:39 > 0:19:48Forming a huge, four-sided pyramid, 230m wide and 146m high.
0:19:48 > 0:19:52Um, right, sorry how would we move the stones?
0:19:52 > 0:19:55Well, we could transport them in boats when the Nile is flooded.
0:19:55 > 0:19:58How are we gonna get them 146m into the air?
0:19:58 > 0:20:00Boring, you'll think of something.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03Can't you have a nice gravestone?
0:20:03 > 0:20:06No, I am Pharaoh! I don't want what everyone else has,
0:20:06 > 0:20:11I want a mighty monument worthy of the gods, now just get on with it.
0:20:13 > 0:20:17- Honestly, he's a pain. - Tell me about it.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20In Britain they simply cover people up with great mounds of earth.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22You know, we should just go there.
0:20:22 > 0:20:25Yeah. Weather's not so hot, mind.
0:20:36 > 0:20:37It's...
0:20:37 > 0:20:42false. At King Zer's funeral, 338
0:20:42 > 0:20:46of his servants were killed so they could work for him in the afterlife.
0:20:46 > 0:20:49Those pharaohs really were a dangerous bunch.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53Time again for our fairy tale series,
0:20:53 > 0:20:57where all the stories are retold, in different historical settings.
0:21:03 > 0:21:07The beautiful young Egyptian woman had not slept a wink,
0:21:07 > 0:21:10because even though there were twelve mattresses
0:21:10 > 0:21:14between her and the pea, she could still feel it.
0:21:14 > 0:21:20This could mean only one thing - she really was a princess.
0:21:20 > 0:21:23When the pharaoh heard this, he embraced her.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25- I'm so proud of you.- Oh.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27And swiftly ordered for her to be executed,
0:21:27 > 0:21:31which was quite a normal thing for a pharaoh to do in Ancient
0:21:31 > 0:21:35Egypt, because family members were always after their throne.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38This one had already bumped off a brother, four sisters
0:21:38 > 0:21:39and fifteen cousins.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41Better safe than sorry.
0:21:41 > 0:21:44So no-one lived happily ever after.
0:21:44 > 0:21:47The end.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50This is a horrible information warning.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52Killing off family members is
0:21:52 > 0:21:57highly illegal and should be avoided at all costs, unless you happen to be
0:21:57 > 0:22:02a pharaoh, in which case, you're the boss, you can do what you like, bump
0:22:02 > 0:22:05'em off with impunity! (Look it up.)
0:22:10 > 0:22:12GAMESHOW FANFARE
0:22:16 > 0:22:22Grrr, we'll declare war on France on Tuesday, Spain on Wednesday,
0:22:22 > 0:22:26on Thursday we'll... Hang on a minute,
0:22:26 > 0:22:28- what's going on here?- Henry VIII?
0:22:28 > 0:22:31- Yes.- King of England?- Yes.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33This is your reign!
0:22:33 > 0:22:35- APPLAUSE - No! Did you know about this?
0:22:35 > 0:22:38Yes, Sire.
0:22:38 > 0:22:42It's a wonderful surprise,
0:22:42 > 0:22:44although technically you still deceived me,
0:22:44 > 0:22:47so go and have yourself executed, chop, chop!
0:22:47 > 0:22:50At once, sire.
0:22:50 > 0:22:54Ha-ha! Look at you, I know that face, wonderful.
0:22:54 > 0:22:56Yes, this is the show where we bring
0:22:56 > 0:22:59- out all your old friends, to tell us funny stories about you.- Yeah.
0:22:59 > 0:23:03And here is our first guest,
0:23:03 > 0:23:10he's a close friend, he was your chancellor from 1529 to 1532.
0:23:10 > 0:23:16No, Sir Thomas More? I don't believe it, did you know about this as well?
0:23:16 > 0:23:18Ha! Oh, I'll kill him.
0:23:18 > 0:23:20Too late, you already did.
0:23:20 > 0:23:22You had his head cut off,
0:23:22 > 0:23:25but we dug him up, sewed it back on and he is here today.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27AUDIENCE: Oh!
0:23:28 > 0:23:30Oh, there he is.
0:23:30 > 0:23:34Look at him. Thomas, you old dog.
0:23:34 > 0:23:37Our second guest, another close friend.
0:23:37 > 0:23:43- Yeah.- He was your chief minister from 1532 to 1540.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46Thomas Cromwell? No!
0:23:46 > 0:23:47APPLAUSE
0:23:48 > 0:23:51There he is look, he hasn't changed a bit.
0:23:51 > 0:23:54Neither have your other advisors - Lord Essex...
0:23:55 > 0:23:57..The Bishop of Rochester.
0:23:57 > 0:23:58APPLAUSE
0:23:59 > 0:24:03Thomas Culpepper, the Duke of Suffolk or the Earl of Surrey,
0:24:03 > 0:24:07- you had them all executed too. - Yeah, look at them.
0:24:07 > 0:24:12Oh, it's so nice to get the old gang back together, isn't it, eh?
0:24:12 > 0:24:15- All the lads, eh? Few of those. - HE CHUCKLES
0:24:15 > 0:24:17And our next guest,
0:24:17 > 0:24:22perhaps your closest advisor...
0:24:22 > 0:24:28- Cardinal Wolsey.- The old Wolster! Oh, here he comes.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30GROANS
0:24:30 > 0:24:31Look at him there.
0:24:31 > 0:24:34Now, tell us, why didn't you have him executed?
0:24:34 > 0:24:37Oh, well he, um, died on the way to prison.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39What a lovely story.
0:24:39 > 0:24:42- Now let's talk about romance. - Oh, no, don't.
0:24:42 > 0:24:45You married six wives and here tonight,
0:24:45 > 0:24:49are the two you had executed, Anne Boleyn and Catherine Howard.
0:24:51 > 0:24:52Here comes trouble.
0:24:52 > 0:24:57- Regrets.- Well, yes, oh, why didn't I have the other four executed?
0:24:57 > 0:25:02Well, you can't have everyone executed, can you?
0:25:02 > 0:25:04Oh, is that a fact?
0:25:04 > 0:25:07Guards, seize him!
0:25:07 > 0:25:09No, please!
0:25:09 > 0:25:12No, look, Henry VIII, this was your deadly reign!
0:25:12 > 0:25:14Yes. There we go.
0:25:16 > 0:25:18Look at him, his stupid face,
0:25:18 > 0:25:21no wonder I chopped his head off, dear oh, dear.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24Did you know that when Henry VIII had Anne Boleyn executed
0:25:24 > 0:25:28he brought a specially-trained swordsman over from France?
0:25:28 > 0:25:32An axe, well that could be blunt and messy, but a sword,
0:25:32 > 0:25:36well, that could cut off her head in one clean slice.
0:25:36 > 0:25:40Oh, do you know Henry, he was a lovely man after all? Yeah, right.
0:25:42 > 0:25:45HE SINGS:
0:27:16 > 0:27:18I mean, how unfair!
0:27:36 > 0:27:40Exciting news - Henry VIII is looking for a new wife!
0:27:40 > 0:27:44- Oh, no.- Aaagh!
0:27:44 > 0:27:46What did I say?
0:27:46 > 0:27:49# Tall tales, atrocious acts, we gave you all the fearsome facts
0:27:49 > 0:27:52# The ugly truth no glam or glitz we told you all the juicy bits
0:27:52 > 0:27:54# Gory, ghastly, mean and cruel,
0:27:54 > 0:27:57# Stuff they don't teach you at school
0:27:57 > 0:28:00# The past is no longer a mystery
0:28:00 > 0:28:05# Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories. #
0:28:05 > 0:28:07Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd