0:00:02 > 0:00:04# Terrible Tudors, Gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, Vile Victorians
0:00:04 > 0:00:07# Woeful wars, Ferocious fights, Dingy castles, Daring knights
0:00:07 > 0:00:10# Horrors that defy description, Cut Throat Celts, Awful Egyptians
0:00:10 > 0:00:13# Vicious Vikings, Cruel crimes, Punishment from ancient times
0:00:13 > 0:00:15# Roman Rotten and Ruthless, Cave Men
0:00:15 > 0:00:18# Groovy Greeks, Rainy Sages, Mean and measly Middle Ages
0:00:18 > 0:00:23# Gory stories, we do that And your host, a talking rat
0:00:23 > 0:00:26# The past is no longer a mystery
0:00:26 > 0:00:27# Welcome to...
0:00:27 > 0:00:32# Horrible Histories. #
0:00:34 > 0:00:37Wicked Witches.
0:00:37 > 0:00:40People have believed in witchcraft for centuries
0:00:40 > 0:00:42and in the Stuart era
0:00:42 > 0:00:46we just loved accusing innocent people of being witches.
0:00:46 > 0:00:51- Have you had an accident that wasn't your fault?- Argh!
0:00:52 > 0:00:55- Trip or fall at work?- Argh!
0:00:56 > 0:00:59Suffered a personal injury or sickness?
0:00:59 > 0:01:02Then you could've been cursed by a witch!
0:01:02 > 0:01:06So get in touch with us at Witchfinders Direct.
0:01:06 > 0:01:08We'll find some innocent woman,
0:01:08 > 0:01:12say she's a witch and have her burnt to death.
0:01:12 > 0:01:14Argh!
0:01:14 > 0:01:17Farmer Pocket of Crawley lost all his cabbages
0:01:17 > 0:01:18when they were eaten by slugs.
0:01:18 > 0:01:21He lost literally several shillings.
0:01:21 > 0:01:24So he called in Witchfinders.
0:01:24 > 0:01:28And we decided the slugs had been sent by the strange old woman
0:01:28 > 0:01:29who lived in the village.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33Yes, her.
0:01:33 > 0:01:34It wasn't me.
0:01:34 > 0:01:38Yes, it was. She's old and warty and looks a bit evil, don't you think?
0:01:38 > 0:01:41So we had her dragged away and given a fair trial.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43Do you have a cat?
0:01:43 > 0:01:44Yeah.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47Then thou art a witch!
0:01:47 > 0:01:51She was put to death and her cat sent to prison.
0:01:51 > 0:01:55So if you have anything go wrong in your life, call Witchfinders Direct.
0:01:55 > 0:01:59We'll find some innocent old woman and blame her for it.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02- Argh!- Witchfinders - because old ladies deserve it.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06Confessing to being a witch could result in burning.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09Not confessing could result in being tortured
0:02:09 > 0:02:12until you said you were a witch, then in burning.
0:02:12 > 0:02:13Other punishments -
0:02:13 > 0:02:17force fasting, exile, hanging, beheading, stoning and gauging.
0:02:19 > 0:02:20Time for our fairytale series,
0:02:20 > 0:02:24where the stories are retold in different historical settings.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26Today, The Frog Prince.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28The Stuart version.
0:02:28 > 0:02:32The beautiful Princess had promised to kiss the frog.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35But it's a frog!
0:02:35 > 0:02:37- You promised.- Oh...
0:02:37 > 0:02:41And her father, the King, insisted she keep the promise.
0:02:41 > 0:02:44All right.
0:02:44 > 0:02:48So, kiss the frog she did.
0:02:48 > 0:02:52And the frog turned into a handsome prince.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54The Princess was delighted.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57She wanted to marry the Prince straight away
0:02:57 > 0:02:59and live happily ever after.
0:02:59 > 0:03:03But everyone had just seen her turn a frog into a person
0:03:03 > 0:03:07and in Stuart times this was pretty conclusive proof
0:03:07 > 0:03:08that she was a witch.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10Guard!
0:03:10 > 0:03:15So the King had the Princess taken away and burned at the stake.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17The end.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20I don't mind witches me self.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22It's the black cats that give me the creeps!
0:03:22 > 0:03:24Ugh!
0:03:24 > 0:03:28Many people also believed in witchcraft in the Middle Ages.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33Hello and welcome to The Middle Ages Witchcraft Show.
0:03:33 > 0:03:37Today, I'll be showing you how to kill an enemy, witch style.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43For this, you'll need some soil from a new grave,
0:03:43 > 0:03:48the rib of a rich woman burnt to ashes,
0:03:48 > 0:03:51a black spider,
0:03:51 > 0:03:56the sap of an elder tree and, of course, an enemy.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58Hello.
0:03:58 > 0:03:59This is Marcia.
0:03:59 > 0:04:02She used to stick my head down a toilet at school,
0:04:02 > 0:04:05which is all the worse when you think that
0:04:05 > 0:04:07Middle Ages toilets are just pits full of poo.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09You should've seen your face.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12It's brilliant.
0:04:12 > 0:04:16Anyway, first you need to mix up your ingredients
0:04:16 > 0:04:19and make a model of your enemy. Here's one I made earlier.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21Looks nothing like me.
0:04:21 > 0:04:25Next, you'll need a long needle.
0:04:25 > 0:04:29Now, just stick your needle in the model's leg, like so.
0:04:29 > 0:04:30And...
0:04:33 > 0:04:34Didn't feel anything.
0:04:34 > 0:04:35OK...
0:04:35 > 0:04:37The heart!
0:04:39 > 0:04:41Still nothing.
0:04:41 > 0:04:44Looks like your rubbish witchcraft doesn't work.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46Of course it doesn't.
0:04:46 > 0:04:50That's because all witchcraft is absolute nonsense.
0:04:50 > 0:04:54But what I did do is hide one of these in your cupboard at home
0:04:54 > 0:04:56and told the Witchfinder General.
0:04:56 > 0:04:59Where be the witch?
0:04:59 > 0:05:02- What?- We found this witch's tool in your house, witch.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04But...
0:05:04 > 0:05:07Take her away to be burned at the stake.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09But I'm not a witch.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11Can you stick her head down the toilet first?
0:05:11 > 0:05:13If you like.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15Cheers, mate.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19Vicious Vikings!
0:05:21 > 0:05:23Vikings had some pretty weird beliefs.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25Here are our top three.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27At number three.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30Vikings believed that the first man and woman
0:05:30 > 0:05:32came from the sweat of a giant's armpit.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35Urgh! That was disgusting.
0:05:35 > 0:05:40Phewy! Giant stinky.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43Mmm, pine-y freshness.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45That's better.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50I am famed throughout the Viking world
0:05:50 > 0:05:51for my viciousness.
0:05:51 > 0:05:54My name is Eric Bloodaxe. And who might you be?
0:05:54 > 0:05:57I am Asgot the Clumsy!
0:05:57 > 0:05:58Urgh!
0:05:58 > 0:06:00Oh... oh.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03Uh, how about we call it a draw?
0:06:03 > 0:06:04Argh!
0:06:08 > 0:06:10Vikings were known in history
0:06:10 > 0:06:12by their first names and their nicknames.
0:06:12 > 0:06:16There really was one called Asgot the Clumsy
0:06:16 > 0:06:18and even one called Kon Smelly Feet.
0:06:18 > 0:06:23No prizes for guessing how he got his name. Phewee!
0:06:23 > 0:06:25Viking belief number two.
0:06:25 > 0:06:30Vikings believed that the sky was held up by four dwarves
0:06:30 > 0:06:33called North, South, East and West.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36The sky held up by dwarves?
0:06:36 > 0:06:37Ow!
0:06:37 > 0:06:41No wonder giant keep hitting head.
0:06:41 > 0:06:42Urgh!
0:06:42 > 0:06:46We Vikings did believe some funny things.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48We thought that if we died in battle
0:06:48 > 0:06:50then we'd get to go to Viking heaven.
0:06:50 > 0:06:55But if we died any other way, we'd go to Viking hell.
0:06:58 > 0:06:59Name.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01Thorvel the Fierce.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03Died in battle?
0:07:03 > 0:07:05What do you think?
0:07:05 > 0:07:07Oh, yeah. In you go.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10Welcome to Valhalla, Viking heaven.
0:07:10 > 0:07:11Hi.
0:07:11 > 0:07:12Name?
0:07:12 > 0:07:14Asgot the Brave.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17You don't seem to be on my list.
0:07:17 > 0:07:18Well, I should be.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20Well, Valhalla's only for Vikings who died in battle.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23- Did you die in battle?- Yes.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28Well, you're not on my list. I can't just let anyone in.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31Valhalla's a very popular place.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34You get to drink all night from the skull's of your enemies.
0:07:34 > 0:07:35Cheers!
0:07:35 > 0:07:37And you get to fight all day.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39- Argh!- Ahh!
0:07:39 > 0:07:42THEY LAUGH
0:07:42 > 0:07:44- Boys!- Great.
0:07:44 > 0:07:49What would happen, out of interest, if say you didn't die in battle.
0:07:49 > 0:07:52Say, you died in bed, where would you go?
0:07:52 > 0:07:55Well, then I'd have to send you down to Viking hell.
0:07:56 > 0:08:01That's a freezing thatched hall whose roof timbers are made from
0:08:01 > 0:08:06the spines of serpents which drip poison on to those below.
0:08:06 > 0:08:11And you have nothing to drink but goat's urine.
0:08:14 > 0:08:18It's a good job I died in battle, then, because I did die in battle.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21All right, in you go Asgot the Brave.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24Asgot the Brave? No, no, no.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26That's Asgot the Clumsy.
0:08:26 > 0:08:27Eh?
0:08:27 > 0:08:29Yeah, the clumsiest Viking that ever lived.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32He was having breakfast in bed,
0:08:32 > 0:08:37accidentally stabbed himself with his own dagger. He's an idiot!
0:08:37 > 0:08:40So you didn't die in battle, then?
0:08:40 > 0:08:44- No.- You did in fact die in bed?
0:08:44 > 0:08:45Yes.
0:08:45 > 0:08:49Suppose it's a pint of goat's urine for me, then, isn't it?
0:08:49 > 0:08:51Yeah. Move along, please.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56Viking belief number one.
0:08:56 > 0:08:59The Vikings believed that their god, Thor,
0:08:59 > 0:09:03once dressed up as a woman to fool a giant who had stolen his hammer.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06Thor went to get it back.
0:09:06 > 0:09:10Oh, hello, you very pretty girl.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12Ow!
0:09:12 > 0:09:16Pretty girl hurt giant's head.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19Ow! Sky too low.
0:09:19 > 0:09:20Urgh!
0:09:20 > 0:09:24Stinky, no fun being Viking giant.
0:09:24 > 0:09:27HE SOBS
0:09:29 > 0:09:32Potty Pioneers.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34True or false?
0:09:34 > 0:09:37Famous explorer Christopher Columbus
0:09:37 > 0:09:40was the first European to discover America?
0:09:40 > 0:09:41It's...
0:09:42 > 0:09:47A Viking called Leif Erikson got there almost 500 years before him
0:09:47 > 0:09:51and here's another famous explorer who didn't get there first.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53I wonder why.
0:09:53 > 0:09:56Captain Scott in race to the South Pole.
0:09:56 > 0:10:00Will our hardy British explorers beat the Norwegians?
0:10:00 > 0:10:04OK, boy, time for our final checks.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06What?
0:10:06 > 0:10:09Let's have a look at some of this good old British equipment.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11Righto, Captain Scott, sir.
0:10:11 > 0:10:16Thin woollen jumper that freezes when wet.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18Check.
0:10:18 > 0:10:23Scratchy woollen trousers, guaranteed to cause a rash.
0:10:25 > 0:10:26Check.
0:10:26 > 0:10:31Agonisingly hard leather boots.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33Just put them on, sir.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36I've got blisters already.
0:10:36 > 0:10:37Top-o!
0:10:38 > 0:10:40Insufficient food supplies.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42Check.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46That better not have been my half of the apple.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49HE LAUGHS
0:10:49 > 0:10:53Absurdly heavy wooden sled that sticks to ice.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57Urgh!
0:10:57 > 0:11:00Check.
0:11:00 > 0:11:05Hardy sled dogs - perfect for the South Pole's weather conditions.
0:11:05 > 0:11:09- No, certainly not, sir.
0:11:09 > 0:11:12Ha ha. Well, done Oates, old boy.
0:11:12 > 0:11:16Nearly got you. The Norwegians use those.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18The big girls.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21THEY LAUGH
0:11:21 > 0:11:28Poor quality horses, ill-suited to Antarctic terrain.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31Six, sir.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33HORSE NEIGHS THEN THUD
0:11:33 > 0:11:36Better make that five.
0:11:36 > 0:11:40Right, that's it. I think we're just about ready to go.
0:11:40 > 0:11:44- Let's show those Norwegians what for, sir.- Urgh!
0:11:44 > 0:11:46Tallyho.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49Sometimes I think with all this top-notch equipment, sir,
0:11:49 > 0:11:52it makes adventuring almost too easy.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55I know what you mean Oates, old boy.
0:11:55 > 0:11:56I know what you mean.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58That list of equipment
0:11:58 > 0:12:03is all the stuff the British really took to the South Pole.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05And what happened to them?
0:12:05 > 0:12:07Well, not only did they lose the race,
0:12:07 > 0:12:10they all died in the frozen wasteland.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12Well, what do you want?
0:12:12 > 0:12:14This is Horrible Histories.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21Awful Egyptians.
0:12:21 > 0:12:28Looking this good isn't easy. It's dead complicated to make a mummy.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55Ancient Egyptians weren't very good at making mummies
0:13:55 > 0:13:58when they first started.
0:13:58 > 0:14:01Have a look at some of their early efforts.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03Good morning, madam. How can I help?
0:14:03 > 0:14:06My husband's died and I need to get him mummified.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09I see, we offer all types of mummification techniques,
0:14:09 > 0:14:11- both ancient and modern.- Mmm-hmm.
0:14:11 > 0:14:12If you're feeling nostalgic,
0:14:12 > 0:14:16we offer a service that dates back 2,000 years, to the time of King Zer.
0:14:16 > 0:14:17What's with the arms?
0:14:17 > 0:14:20They hadn't quite perfected the art back then,
0:14:20 > 0:14:22so the arms tend to sort of...
0:14:22 > 0:14:25- Fall off? - Yes, but we replace them with sticks.
0:14:25 > 0:14:27And does it really matter?
0:14:27 > 0:14:28You know where he's going.
0:14:28 > 0:14:29HE LAUGHS
0:14:29 > 0:14:31Oh!
0:14:31 > 0:14:33What else have you got? Chop, chop.
0:14:33 > 0:14:36Perhaps you'd like to go for something more modern.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39This technique was favoured about 1,000 years ago.
0:14:39 > 0:14:40She's got big eyes.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43They're not, strictly speaking, eyes.
0:14:43 > 0:14:44What are they, then?
0:14:44 > 0:14:46- Onions.- Onions?
0:14:46 > 0:14:50Yes. Rameses IV started the onion trend and everyone went mad for it.
0:14:50 > 0:14:54Well, bully for them, but it's not for me. Now this, I like.
0:14:54 > 0:14:57Madam, excellent choice.
0:14:57 > 0:14:58Bang up-to-date.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01This is our state-of-the-art deluxe model.
0:15:01 > 0:15:05Quality sawdust stuffing, salt preservation technique,
0:15:05 > 0:15:10organs pickled in the finest alcohol and feel the quality of that bandage.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12Yeah, that is super. I'll take one of those.
0:15:12 > 0:15:16Of course, madam should also consider what type of coffin she would like.
0:15:16 > 0:15:19We offer this beautiful top-of-the-range
0:15:19 > 0:15:21Pharaoh-approved casket.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23What a way to hit the afterlife, eh?
0:15:23 > 0:15:26Yeah, it is lovely, but perhaps a tad gaudy.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28What are the other options?
0:15:28 > 0:15:29Well, there is our peasant range.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32- What's that?- A wooden box. - The fancy one.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34Madam has excellent taste.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36That's one top-of-the-range mummification
0:15:36 > 0:15:38plus pharaoh-styled casket.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40That's 500 chickens.
0:15:40 > 0:15:41I've only got one.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44- I can do you his nose in a box.- Done.
0:15:44 > 0:15:48Yeah, it wasn't just pharaohs who got mummified in ancient Egypt.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50Everyone was at it.
0:15:50 > 0:15:53Must have been like one ginormous Halloween party.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55HE LAUGHS
0:15:55 > 0:15:58Anyway, centuries later, people started digging them up.
0:15:58 > 0:16:01They didn't know what to do with them all,
0:16:01 > 0:16:04but ended up finding some really ingenious uses.
0:16:07 > 0:16:10Hi, I'm a shouty man
0:16:10 > 0:16:14and I'm here to tell you about All Purpose Ancient Egyptian Mummy.
0:16:14 > 0:16:18Here in the 1800s, mummies are being dug up all over the place,
0:16:18 > 0:16:20but don't throw them away!
0:16:20 > 0:16:22Make use of them today!
0:16:22 > 0:16:25Are your walls looking old and tired?
0:16:25 > 0:16:28Then let Ancient Egyptian Mummy lend a hand.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31Just crush some mummy into a powder,
0:16:31 > 0:16:36add it to your paint and watch those nasty cracks disappear.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38And just look at the results.
0:16:38 > 0:16:43This magnificent mummy filler is available in three colours,
0:16:43 > 0:16:48Dirty white, off white and slightly grey.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51And that's not all.
0:16:51 > 0:16:56Ancient Egyptian Mummy also gets the thumbs up as a great fuel for fire.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59And it won't cost you an arm or a leg.
0:17:04 > 0:17:05Toasty.
0:17:05 > 0:17:07Plus, if you're feeling a little run-down,
0:17:07 > 0:17:10Ancient Egyptian Mummy is the perfect pick-me-up.
0:17:10 > 0:17:14Simply crush some mummy into a powder and dab it all over.
0:17:16 > 0:17:19It's got magical healing powers.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21HE COUGHS
0:17:21 > 0:17:24See, it's working already.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27You can do it all with All-Purpose Ancient Egyptian Mummy.
0:17:27 > 0:17:32It makes an excellent present because it comes pre-wrapped.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35Ancient Egyptian Mummy - dig one up today.
0:17:35 > 0:17:39Available in all good ancient Egyptian burial grounds,
0:17:39 > 0:17:40spade not included.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45Rotten Romans.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48Lots of Roman emperors were a bit mad
0:17:48 > 0:17:52and one of the maddest was a bloke called Nero.
0:17:52 > 0:17:55Nero really hated the Christian religion
0:17:55 > 0:17:58and he did some pretty nasty things to Christian people.
0:17:58 > 0:18:03He even made them into human candles and set them on fire at his parties.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06Urgh! Horrible.
0:18:06 > 0:18:07Saws like that.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10His head came completely off, the crowd went... Excuse me.
0:18:10 > 0:18:14Emperor Nero, hi. Fabulous party.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16Oh, thank you, thank you.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19I love what you've done with the place. I like these huge candles.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21Oh, yeah. I had them made specially.
0:18:21 > 0:18:23Yeah, shaped like Christians.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25They are Christians.
0:18:25 > 0:18:26- <- Argh!
0:18:26 > 0:18:27Sorry, what?
0:18:28 > 0:18:31- Real Christians? - Yeah, actual Christians.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33Can we get another candle, please?
0:18:33 > 0:18:36Candle on lawn six.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38Emperor...
0:18:38 > 0:18:39I mean, how can you do that?
0:18:39 > 0:18:40Oh, it's very simple.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43You just get a Christian, tie him to a stake, dip him in tar,
0:18:43 > 0:18:45stick a wick on top of him, voila.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47Christian candle.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49They're in excruciating pain.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51I know. It's brilliant, isn't it?
0:18:51 > 0:18:54You get to light up your garden and torture Christians.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56So, you know, two birds, one stone.
0:18:56 > 0:19:00But isn't it a bit, dare I say it, sick?
0:19:00 > 0:19:04- How so?- Well, I mean, torturing a fellow human being like that...
0:19:05 > 0:19:08If I didn't know any better, I'd say you feel a bit sorry for 'em.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10- <- Argh!
0:19:10 > 0:19:12You're not Christian, are you?
0:19:12 > 0:19:15Only that candle's just out. We need another Christian.
0:19:15 > 0:19:16You were saying?
0:19:19 > 0:19:21Well, I love the party, you know...
0:19:21 > 0:19:23I particularly like those.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26- <- Argh! - Great candles.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28Yeah. I agree. Really good.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30- <- Argh!
0:19:30 > 0:19:31Really, really good candles.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34If you like the candles, you should see the fireworks.
0:19:35 > 0:19:38It's horrible but it's true.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40Nero made candles out of people.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43He really hated Christians.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45When he wasn't burning them for fun
0:19:45 > 0:19:49he was making them fight lions in the Colosseum, without weapons!
0:19:49 > 0:19:51I mean, that's hardly very sporting, is it?
0:19:51 > 0:19:54Imagine that, man versus lion.
0:19:54 > 0:19:57Ooh, I'm imagining it. Oh...
0:19:59 > 0:20:00Well, commiserations, Luke.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03Yet another convincing victory to the Lions.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05Yeah, very disappointing for the Christians,
0:20:05 > 0:20:09when all's said and done, we had some unfortunate injuries early on.
0:20:09 > 0:20:13Didn't favour us that Johno got his leg chewed off in the first minute.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15That did seem to affect his pace a bit.
0:20:15 > 0:20:16Absolutely, yeah.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19Fair play to the Lion's attack, they ripped us to pieces.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22There was an arm here, there was a leg there
0:20:22 > 0:20:24and our striker simply lost his head.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26It was bitten clean off, you know.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28It has affected your record.
0:20:28 > 0:20:31That's Lions 160, Christians 0. You have to be gutted.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34Very nearly, but luckily I was a bit too quick for the lions.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37Do you think that the Christians will ever beat the Lions?
0:20:37 > 0:20:40We'll just take each game as it comes.
0:20:40 > 0:20:41So... no.
0:20:41 > 0:20:44- No, not a prayer, no. No. - We do have some good news, though.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46Oh, have you found me leg?
0:20:46 > 0:20:48Uh, no. Oh.
0:20:48 > 0:20:49Hey!
0:20:49 > 0:20:51No, we haven't found your leg,
0:20:51 > 0:20:54but we have decided to give you our Man of the Match Award.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56There you are.
0:20:56 > 0:21:00- Bless you.- Mainly, of course, for your great performance in the arena,
0:21:00 > 0:21:02but also because you're the only one left alive.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04LION ROARS
0:21:06 > 0:21:08Oh! Oh...
0:21:08 > 0:21:10Spoke too soon.
0:21:12 > 0:21:16Slimy Stuarts.
0:21:16 > 0:21:19In Stuart times, the English King was really unpopular.
0:21:19 > 0:21:23So unpopular, in fact, that some people started a war against him.
0:21:23 > 0:21:26The King lost and that's not all he lost.
0:21:31 > 0:21:34You join us here on this saddest of days, in 1649,
0:21:34 > 0:21:38for the funeral of our beloved King Charles I.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41Let's have a word with him now, Your Majesty.
0:21:41 > 0:21:46I can't help noticing this is your funeral but you're not dead yet.
0:21:46 > 0:21:47Well, I will be shortly.
0:21:47 > 0:21:53I'm about to be executed by Oliver Cromwell and his Puritans
0:21:53 > 0:21:55for high treason.
0:21:55 > 0:21:59Isn't high treason a crime against the King and surely you are the King?
0:21:59 > 0:22:02Precisely. I did try to tell the court
0:22:02 > 0:22:06that they had no right to sit in judgement over a monarch.
0:22:06 > 0:22:07And they told you?
0:22:07 > 0:22:09To, um...
0:22:09 > 0:22:11bog off.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14I notice you're wearing two shirts for the occasion.
0:22:14 > 0:22:15Yes, well spotted.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17I don't want the weather to cause any shivers
0:22:17 > 0:22:19that the crowd might mistake for fear.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21A wise precaution.
0:22:21 > 0:22:25I really should've worn two pairs of underpants.
0:22:25 > 0:22:29Hmm. Oh, it looks like they're ready for you now.
0:22:29 > 0:22:30Here goes.
0:22:33 > 0:22:37The moment the crowd have been waiting for has arrived, now.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40It's time for the royal execution.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42Let's hope for a nice clean cut.
0:22:42 > 0:22:43And...
0:22:44 > 0:22:47Oh, yes, there it is. Bile in my eye.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49I don't think they enjoyed that
0:22:49 > 0:22:51quite as much as they thought they would.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54Very moving scenes, indeed.
0:22:57 > 0:23:01What did they do with King Charles I's head after his execution?
0:23:01 > 0:23:04Did they - A, stick it on a spike?
0:23:04 > 0:23:06B, sew it back on?
0:23:06 > 0:23:09Or C, play football with it?
0:23:09 > 0:23:11The answer is...
0:23:11 > 0:23:14B, they sewed it back on to his body
0:23:14 > 0:23:17so his family could pay their respects.
0:23:17 > 0:23:20Charlie got the chop and there was no king for a while,
0:23:20 > 0:23:23but the English people found they missed having one,
0:23:23 > 0:23:25so his son, Charles II, was put on the throne.
0:23:25 > 0:23:29The monarchy was restored, but not everybody was happy about it,
0:23:29 > 0:23:33particularly not Cromwell's super-strict Puritans.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35This is Mr and Mrs Miserable -
0:23:35 > 0:23:39the deeply religious Puritan family from Norwich,
0:23:39 > 0:23:43and they're doing a wife swap with Mr and Mrs Merry,
0:23:43 > 0:23:47the party-mad restoration family from London.
0:23:47 > 0:23:50The Puritan family want to ban parties
0:23:50 > 0:23:54and the Restoration family want to party all the time.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57I wonder how they'll get on.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00Oh, hi, hello.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03Pleased to meet you. I'm Mr Merry.
0:24:03 > 0:24:06Call me Jamie. And you are?
0:24:06 > 0:24:08- Mrs Miserable. - Oh, surely you have a first name.
0:24:08 > 0:24:10We're very informal here.
0:24:10 > 0:24:13Yes, I do, it's Fight the Good Fight of Faith -
0:24:13 > 0:24:15a wholesome, Puritan name.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17Mrs Miserable it is then.
0:24:19 > 0:24:22So, did things get off to a better start in the Puritan household?
0:24:22 > 0:24:26How do you do? I'm Mrs Merry, Genie Merry.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28You must be Mr Miserable.
0:24:28 > 0:24:29Yes.
0:24:29 > 0:24:33Well, let's get to know each other a bit better.
0:24:33 > 0:24:37I've just got my first part as an actress in a Restoration comedy.
0:24:37 > 0:24:41Acting is sinful. You should be whipped and put in the stocks.
0:24:41 > 0:24:45OK. So far so good.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50Truly these are terrible times.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53I can't believe they brought back theatre
0:24:53 > 0:24:54after we Puritans banned it!
0:24:54 > 0:24:59I mean, next thing you know they'll be bringing back Christmas.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02Ooh, hello. What an adorable baby.
0:25:02 > 0:25:04- Well, what's her name?- Silence.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06Oh.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08No, Silence is her name.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11Oh, I see, sorry. Sorry.
0:25:11 > 0:25:13Her full name is Silence Discipline.
0:25:13 > 0:25:14My husband chose it.
0:25:14 > 0:25:18Ah, obviously you would've chosen something bit less gloomy.
0:25:18 > 0:25:19Well, yes,
0:25:19 > 0:25:23I wanted to call her If Christ Had Not Died Thou Has Been Damned.
0:25:23 > 0:25:26Ha ha! That would be ridiculous.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28After my mother.
0:25:28 > 0:25:33Then, perhaps, Silence is the way forward.
0:25:33 > 0:25:35What a terrible ungodly man.
0:25:35 > 0:25:38Since parliament decided to restore the monarchy,
0:25:38 > 0:25:41England has gone to rack and ruin.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44Mrs Mis just needs to lighten up a bit.
0:25:44 > 0:25:46Catch up on all the fun she's missed, you know.
0:25:46 > 0:25:51Oliver Cromwell's dead, Puritanism is history. Hooray for Charles II.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53You know, the Restoration's here.
0:25:53 > 0:25:54Party on!
0:25:56 > 0:26:00And things aren't going much better for Mrs Merry.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04- Sorry, what's this?- Dinner.
0:26:13 > 0:26:17Mr Merry has laid on a party for his honoured guest.
0:26:19 > 0:26:22Not enjoying the music, Mrs Mis?
0:26:22 > 0:26:23Music is sinful.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26Don't suppose you fancy a dance then?
0:26:26 > 0:26:30- Dancing is sinful.- Well, at least let me get you a drink.
0:26:30 > 0:26:32- Drinking is sinful.- Obviously.
0:26:34 > 0:26:37So what do you Puritans do for fun, then?
0:26:37 > 0:26:39Fun is sinful.
0:26:46 > 0:26:49It's time for the Puritan family and the Restoration family
0:26:49 > 0:26:50to settle their differences.
0:26:50 > 0:26:55Oh, King Charles II! A curse on your restored monarchy!
0:26:55 > 0:26:57Yeah, a curse on your so-called restoration.
0:26:57 > 0:27:00Your sinful ways are an abomination.
0:27:00 > 0:27:02And those that sin shall burn in hell.
0:27:02 > 0:27:07You, you like telling people off, don't you?
0:27:07 > 0:27:12- Well, yes, we do. - And that was fun, wasn't it?
0:27:13 > 0:27:15- Yes.- Yeah, I suppose.
0:27:15 > 0:27:18And just remind me, isn't fun sinful?
0:27:18 > 0:27:21Hmm?
0:27:21 > 0:27:24- You sinful Jezebel. - Well, you're gonna burn in hell.
0:27:28 > 0:27:31Next time on Historical Wife Swap, it's 1778
0:27:31 > 0:27:33and Mrs Posh needs the loo.
0:27:33 > 0:27:35Where pray, is the toilet?
0:27:35 > 0:27:38Well, there's a hole in the ground out back.
0:27:39 > 0:27:44- While Mr Posh has to touch a peasant.- Enchante.
0:27:44 > 0:27:45HE LAUGHS
0:27:45 > 0:27:47Ew.
0:27:49 > 0:27:52# Tall tales, atrocious acts, We gave you the fearsome facts
0:27:52 > 0:27:55# The ugly truth We showed you all the juicy bits
0:27:55 > 0:28:00# Gory, ghastly, mean and cruel Stuff they don't teach you at school
0:28:00 > 0:28:03# The past is no longer a mystery... #
0:28:03 > 0:28:05E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk