0:00:02 > 0:00:04# Terrible Tudors gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stewarts vile Victorians
0:00:04 > 0:00:06# Woeful wars ferocious fights Dingy castles daring knights
0:00:06 > 0:00:09# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Counts or boiled Egyptians
0:00:09 > 0:00:12# Vicious Vikings cruel crimes punishment from ancient times
0:00:12 > 0:00:15# Romans rotten rank and ruthless Cavemen savage fierce and toothless
0:00:15 > 0:00:18# Groovy Greeks brainy sages Mean and measly in the Middle Ages
0:00:18 > 0:00:23# Gory stories we do that And your host's a talking rat
0:00:23 > 0:00:26# The past is no longer a mystery
0:00:26 > 0:00:32# Welcome to Horrible Histories. #
0:00:32 > 0:00:35Awful Egyptians.
0:00:35 > 0:00:37In ancient Egypt,
0:00:37 > 0:00:42we had some pretty funny ideas about what made you look good.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46Hey girls, do you want to keep up-to-date
0:00:46 > 0:00:49with all the latest ancient Egyptian trends in make-up, hair and fashion?
0:00:49 > 0:00:53Then you need to get new Pharaoh Phashion magazine!
0:00:53 > 0:00:55In this week's issue, we'll show you the hottest,
0:00:55 > 0:00:58and we mean hottest, new hair accessories.
0:00:58 > 0:01:00I love my new wax comb.
0:01:00 > 0:01:05It's so stylish, I'm never taking it off, because I can't.
0:01:05 > 0:01:06It's melted into my hair.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09Ow! Really hot.
0:01:09 > 0:01:10And bold new hair fashions!
0:01:10 > 0:01:13Don't follow the flock, wear a sheep's wool wig.
0:01:13 > 0:01:16I look baa-beautiful.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18Plus this season's must have make-up.
0:01:18 > 0:01:21There's luscious lipstick, made from red powder.
0:01:21 > 0:01:23Mixed with fat.
0:01:23 > 0:01:27And fabulous eyeliner made from black lead.
0:01:27 > 0:01:31It also works as a sun block and fly deterrent.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33And I thought I looked ridiculous, ha-ha!
0:01:33 > 0:01:37Darling, you do.
0:01:37 > 0:01:41And we reveal the very latest fashion from ancient Egypt.
0:01:41 > 0:01:42And you thought you had nothing to wear.
0:01:42 > 0:01:47Yes, you too can go naked like an ancient Egyptian peasant.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50So for all the latest from the world of Egyptian fashion,
0:01:50 > 0:01:52don't miss Pharaoh Phashion magazine.
0:01:52 > 0:01:55Yours to buy for only three radishes and two onions.
0:01:55 > 0:02:00So, what could be weirder than wearing a waxed cone on your head?
0:02:00 > 0:02:02Well, this could. Ha-Ha!
0:02:02 > 0:02:04Say, "Goodbye, toothache."
0:02:04 > 0:02:09Say, "Hello, healthy teeth and gums," with new Mouse Fresh Max.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12A revolution in tooth care direct from ancient Egypt.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14It's so easy to use.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17Just take one live mouse, chop it in half
0:02:17 > 0:02:21and pop it into your mouth while it's still lovely and warm.
0:02:21 > 0:02:24As recommended by leading ancient Egyptian dentists.
0:02:24 > 0:02:28I recommend Mouse Fresh Max for healthy teeth, every time.
0:02:28 > 0:02:33Mouse Fresh Max, packed to the max with dead mouse freshness.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36It's mouseerriffic!
0:02:36 > 0:02:40Egyptian Mouse Fresh Max gives a whole new max freshness
0:02:40 > 0:02:41for maximum fresh freshness,
0:02:41 > 0:02:43with the great taste of dead mouse.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59The answer is...
0:02:59 > 0:03:02A - mashed up pigs eyes.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05You poured the mixture into the patient's ear.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08Ruthless Rulers!
0:03:17 > 0:03:19The Abbot of Pain, my lord.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21Oh, thank heavens you're here, my little Abbot!
0:03:21 > 0:03:24I was so very bored, but now, you can amuse me.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26Yes, King Louis.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28You have a flare for making musical instruments.
0:03:28 > 0:03:32Make me one that's totally preposterous and highly amusing.
0:03:32 > 0:03:36The most incredible musical instrument there ever was!
0:03:36 > 0:03:39Succeed, and you'll carry favour at court.
0:03:39 > 0:03:43Fail, and you'll find yourself on A spike.
0:03:43 > 0:03:44HE GULPS
0:03:46 > 0:03:51If I don't have an idea soon, my head will be on a spike!
0:03:51 > 0:03:53Sacre bleu! I have it!
0:03:53 > 0:03:56HAMMERING
0:04:01 > 0:04:03This had better be good.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06Voila! The pig piano.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09Formidable!
0:04:09 > 0:04:10I love pigs.
0:04:10 > 0:04:14Each key on the keyboard is connected to a spike,
0:04:14 > 0:04:18which jabs the rump of the appropriate pig, like so.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21PIG SQUEALS
0:04:21 > 0:04:22HE CLEARS THROAT
0:04:22 > 0:04:25PIGS OINK FRERE JACQUES
0:04:31 > 0:04:33One is most definitely amused.
0:04:33 > 0:04:37What do you think, Monsieur Simon Cowell?
0:04:37 > 0:04:39Well, you...
0:04:39 > 0:04:40were OK.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43You, were rubbish.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46And you, you, and you, were awful.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49But you, I like.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51You're through to the next round.
0:04:52 > 0:04:57You wouldn't believe it, but the pig piano is a true story.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00Though I wasn't alive then, obviously I'm not that old.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02PIG SQUEALS
0:05:02 > 0:05:03I'm not!
0:05:04 > 0:05:06Measly middle ages.
0:05:12 > 0:05:16Hello, and welcome to the News at When. When? 1086.
0:05:16 > 0:05:20That's 20 years after the Norman King, William the Conqueror,
0:05:20 > 0:05:22invaded England from France.
0:05:22 > 0:05:25Now he wants to know exactly what he's conquered,
0:05:25 > 0:05:29so he's ordered a survey of every single thing in the country.
0:05:29 > 0:05:32He's calling it, the Doomsday Book.
0:05:32 > 0:05:33KNOCKING
0:05:36 > 0:05:38Hello. Can you open the door, please?
0:05:40 > 0:05:42Good morning, sir. My name's Matilda,
0:05:42 > 0:05:45and I'm calling today on behalf of William the Conqueror
0:05:45 > 0:05:47concerning the new Doomsday Book.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49Sorry, I don't buy things at the door.
0:05:49 > 0:05:52No selling, sir, just a straightforward survey.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54Would you be willing to answer a few questions?
0:05:54 > 0:05:56Oh, I don't really like surveys.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58I should point out this morning, sir,
0:05:58 > 0:06:01that, as a conquered Saxon, you're obliged to answer the survey,
0:06:01 > 0:06:04or a big Norman knight will come round and chop your head off.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06All right then.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09Lovely. First of all can I take your name?
0:06:09 > 0:06:11They call me Affelstan Redbeard.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13Mr Redbeard.
0:06:13 > 0:06:17And would you describe yourself as Saxon, Celtic, Pictish or other?
0:06:17 > 0:06:22- Saxon.- And can I ask, were you aware that you'd been conquered?
0:06:22 > 0:06:23I beg your pardon?
0:06:23 > 0:06:26Were you previously aware that your army had been vanquished
0:06:26 > 0:06:30by William the Conqueror and that you're now ruled by the Normans of Normandy, France?
0:06:30 > 0:06:32No.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35I'm afraid from now on it'll be "non." All right?
0:06:35 > 0:06:39- Yes.- From now on it'll be "oui". Is that OK?
0:06:39 > 0:06:40Oui.
0:06:40 > 0:06:44Bon! So, how many pigs have you got?
0:06:44 > 0:06:46- Six.- "Six."
0:06:46 > 0:06:48And how many goats do you have?
0:06:48 > 0:06:50- 11.- "Onze."
0:06:50 > 0:06:53And how many chickens do you have?
0:06:53 > 0:06:55- 15. - A HEAVY THUD
0:06:55 > 0:06:59- 14.- Quatorze poulets.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01Combien de poulet avez-vous?
0:07:01 > 0:07:03Quatorze poulets, madam.
0:07:03 > 0:07:08Lovely! And can I ask, do you own your own home?
0:07:08 > 0:07:09No, I'm a serf.
0:07:09 > 0:07:12I'll put, "common as muck."
0:07:12 > 0:07:17And finally, do you swear allegiance to your new King William of Normandy?
0:07:17 > 0:07:19Phew, oh...
0:07:19 > 0:07:21We'll give you a few seconds to make your mind up.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26- Yes, I do.- Excellent.
0:07:26 > 0:07:28I'll put that down as a "oui."
0:07:30 > 0:07:32Do you want to buy any dusters?
0:07:32 > 0:07:33No.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51The answer is...
0:07:51 > 0:07:53C - having your eyes gouged out.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55And if you think that's gory,
0:07:55 > 0:07:58then you should hear what happened at William's funeral.
0:07:59 > 0:08:05You join us here on this most sombre of days in the year 1087,
0:08:05 > 0:08:10as we witness the funeral of our great ruler, William the Conqueror,
0:08:10 > 0:08:13who famously defeated Harold at the Battle of Hastings
0:08:13 > 0:08:20to become the first Norman King of England, and now he lies in state.
0:08:20 > 0:08:25As his servants respectfully run off with all his weapons, gold, silver,
0:08:25 > 0:08:28furniture and, of course, his clothes.
0:08:33 > 0:08:36And here come the undertakers to pick up the rotting, dead King
0:08:36 > 0:08:40and try to stuff his body into the small coffin.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43Moving scenes indeed.
0:08:43 > 0:08:48And now, in a change to the planned ceremony, the church has caught fire.
0:08:48 > 0:08:52And the mourners have gone to put the fire out,
0:08:52 > 0:08:58leaving monks to finish stuffing his Majesty's body, into the coffin.
0:08:58 > 0:09:02Oh, dear, one of his arms has dropped off there.
0:09:02 > 0:09:06And now the King's stomach has exploded due to the build up of gases.
0:09:06 > 0:09:10I imagine the smell in that church is really quite unforgettable.
0:09:10 > 0:09:14And here comes the priest to conduct the King's funeral service,
0:09:14 > 0:09:17slowly and respectfully.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19We are gathered here to... Argh, it stinks!
0:09:19 > 0:09:20Right, the service.
0:09:20 > 0:09:25May his soul enter the kingdom of heaven and be received by his Holy Father, amen.
0:09:25 > 0:09:27Now bury the stinky king. Ergh!
0:09:27 > 0:09:30And there isn't a dry eye in the house.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34Bleurgh! It's horrible!
0:09:34 > 0:09:38But, you know, it's all true. That's right.
0:09:38 > 0:09:43William the Conqueror's body really did explode at his own funeral.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46See if you can find that on the Bayeaux Tapestry.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51Rotten Romans.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54Lots of our Roman rulers were a bit mad,
0:09:54 > 0:09:58and one of the maddest was a bloke call Caligula.
0:09:58 > 0:10:02He once actually wanted to go to war with a god!
0:10:03 > 0:10:08My loyal generals, you have all served me well.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10Thanks to your ceaseless warring
0:10:10 > 0:10:12and general nastiness,
0:10:12 > 0:10:17I, Caligula, now rule an empire of unimaginable scale.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20- Whoo!- Yes!- However...
0:10:21 > 0:10:25..there is one valiant foe that we've yet to conquer.
0:10:25 > 0:10:31- Do you speak of the mighty tribes in the untamed lands of the east, my liege?- No.
0:10:31 > 0:10:35- Mean you then the savage Celts of the frozen wastes of the north?- Nah!
0:10:35 > 0:10:39Well, then, who would you've us fight, sire?
0:10:39 > 0:10:41Poseidon.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52- You're serious?- Yes.
0:10:52 > 0:10:58OK, but Poseidon is god of the sea. He's likely to be quite big.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00- Bigger than me?!- No, no, no.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03No, big is the wrong word. What we meant was more, um...
0:11:03 > 0:11:05God-ish?
0:11:05 > 0:11:06But that's the whole point.
0:11:06 > 0:11:09I mean, any old emperor can defeat the Carthaginians,
0:11:09 > 0:11:12but it takes a special kind of emperor to take on a god.
0:11:12 > 0:11:16Just think of the history books. "Oh, do you remember that Caligula?
0:11:16 > 0:11:19"Oh, yes. Wasn't he the one that took on that god?"
0:11:21 > 0:11:23No one's going to forget that in a hurry.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25Hm, that maybe true sire,
0:11:25 > 0:11:28but the problem is in order to go to war with Poseidon,
0:11:28 > 0:11:31one would have to get hold of him.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34But that's easy, he lives in the sea!
0:11:34 > 0:11:37That's where we shall look for him.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39Yeah, but isn't the sea quite big?
0:11:39 > 0:11:41Bigger than me?!
0:11:41 > 0:11:44No, no, no, no. No, that was the wrong word.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47- Er, I meant more, um...- Deep!
0:11:47 > 0:11:50- Yes.- And wet.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53You know, it might be just a bit tricky to track him down.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55Yes, well I've thought about that.
0:11:55 > 0:11:59We line up every ship in the navy,
0:11:59 > 0:12:01side by side, stretching out into the sea,
0:12:01 > 0:12:06then we march the entire Roman army across the ships
0:12:06 > 0:12:10and when they reach the end, they all throw their spears into the ocean.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12HE GIGGLES
0:12:12 > 0:12:14That'll show him who's boss.
0:12:14 > 0:12:18Yeah, my only fear with that plan is that, to the untrained eye,
0:12:18 > 0:12:21that might look a bit like thousands of men throwing sticks in the sea
0:12:21 > 0:12:22for no good reason.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24Are you saying I'm wrong?!
0:12:24 > 0:12:25No, no, no, no, no!
0:12:25 > 0:12:27I think it's a brilliant idea.
0:12:28 > 0:12:32Tomorrow, we go to war with the sea!
0:12:36 > 0:12:38ALL: Hail, Caligula.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41Ah! So, how did it go?
0:12:41 > 0:12:43Well, we didn't get Poseidon,
0:12:43 > 0:12:47but we did get some of his soldiers?
0:12:53 > 0:12:56Think you're bigger than me?!
0:12:57 > 0:12:59Caligula was a famously crazy Roman emperor,
0:12:59 > 0:13:02but he wasn't the only ruler who lost his temper with the sea.
0:13:02 > 0:13:07Emperor Xerxes of Persia lost a load of ships in a war with Greece
0:13:07 > 0:13:09and got so angry, he had the sea whipped.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12He got 100 splashes. Get it?
0:13:12 > 0:13:14Lashes, splashes. Ha, ha-ha!
0:13:14 > 0:13:16Suit yourself.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20Savage Stone Age.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30Hello and welcome to the News At When. When?
0:13:30 > 0:13:34Prehistoric time when caveman slowly evolved into modern man,
0:13:34 > 0:13:38very slowly and in many different stages.
0:13:38 > 0:13:39Here to guide you through them,
0:13:39 > 0:13:42is Bob Hale with the Stone Age report. Bob.
0:13:42 > 0:13:46Thanks, Sam. Well as you can see it's about 750,000 years ago.
0:13:46 > 0:13:50That, believe it or not, is Britain and here comes the Stone Age.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52And there go all the stones. There's plenty to go around
0:13:52 > 0:13:55because the ground's about 125 metres higher than it is today.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57In fact, you could walk to France!
0:13:57 > 0:14:00But please don't, because we have guests. Starting with -
0:14:00 > 0:14:01# Ta da da dah!
0:14:01 > 0:14:04Homo Heidelbergenisis or Heidi to his friends.
0:14:04 > 0:14:08There he is. He's six foot one, and he's tons of fun and hard as nails.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11Heidi likes to hunt animals in big groups. Animals like hippos
0:14:11 > 0:14:14and elephants and hamsters and lions - except not hamsters -
0:14:14 > 0:14:17and it's all jolly good fun until suddenly...
0:14:17 > 0:14:20They're gone! And why? Because it's cold like ice, for an age!
0:14:20 > 0:14:23It's called an Ice Age and the whole country empties,
0:14:23 > 0:14:24and absolutely nothing happens.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26But not for long, the sun comes out
0:14:26 > 0:14:29and the melting ice makes the English channel.
0:14:29 > 0:14:30We are now an island. Hooray!
0:14:30 > 0:14:33But no one can get here because they haven't invented boats,
0:14:33 > 0:14:36so the only things in Britain are animals.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39Animals like mammoths and wolves and, best of all, mega bears.
0:14:39 > 0:14:40Yes, mega bears!
0:14:40 > 0:14:42Like a grizzly bear, but twice the size.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45No, he's bigger than that. Oh, he's bigger than that. There it is!
0:14:45 > 0:14:49He's mean, lean and you wouldn't want to run into him on a dark night.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51And then one dark night, someone runs into him.
0:14:51 > 0:14:55Yes, the humans are back, but it's not Heidi any more.
0:14:55 > 0:14:56He's evolved into Neanderthal.
0:14:56 > 0:15:00Big brow, big nose, big news! And he loves to hunt.
0:15:00 > 0:15:03He chases bears! He's chased by bears!
0:15:03 > 0:15:05He chases mammoth! He's chased by mammoth!
0:15:05 > 0:15:10It's all one big party until in 35,000 BC another guest turns up.
0:15:10 > 0:15:14Do you recognise this fellow? It's you! It's me. It's modern man.
0:15:14 > 0:15:15Yes, Homo Sapiens.
0:15:15 > 0:15:19Our great-great-great-great times a million grandparents
0:15:19 > 0:15:21are here to hang out with the Neanderthals.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24I hope they've bought their coats because wouldn't you know it?
0:15:24 > 0:15:25Here comes another Ice Age!
0:15:25 > 0:15:28And when it's over only Homo Sapiens are left.
0:15:28 > 0:15:29No more Neanderthals.
0:15:29 > 0:15:33And since the weather's nice, great-great-great granddad gets a few jobs done.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35He invents the wheel.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37Beer. Painting. Archery.
0:15:37 > 0:15:39And most important of all, farming,
0:15:39 > 0:15:41which get's even easier when...
0:15:41 > 0:15:43Bronze is invented.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46Yes, it's goodbye Stone Age. Hello Bronze Age.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49Then it's Iron Age, Roman Age, Middle Age, Industrial Age,
0:15:49 > 0:15:52rotten age, act your age, old age and then death.
0:15:52 > 0:15:53Aahh.
0:15:56 > 0:15:59That's all 100% accu-rat.
0:15:59 > 0:16:04Way, way, way, way back, Homo Sapiens, that's your relatives,
0:16:04 > 0:16:09lived alongside Neanderthals, that's your PE teacher's relatives.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11Only joking.
0:16:11 > 0:16:15I wonder what Homo Sapiens thought of primitive Neanderthals.
0:16:23 > 0:16:26- Darling.- Hm. - The Neanderthals are here.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28- What?- I invited them to dinner.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30- I told you.- You didn't tell me.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33Keith, I'm just trying to do the neighbourly thing, all right?
0:16:33 > 0:16:34When am I gonna finish this deer?
0:16:34 > 0:16:38- Keith, just be civil please, they're here.- All right.- Ah.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40Hello, hello.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42- Hello.- Nice to see you.
0:16:42 > 0:16:45- Mm.- Oop. There you go!- Steady.
0:16:45 > 0:16:49- It's Ug, isn't it? Ug, hello.- Whoops. - And you must be Mrs Ug.- Mrs Ug.
0:16:49 > 0:16:53Do you want to come through and make yourself at cave, as it were?
0:16:53 > 0:16:55- Um, do you both eat meat?- Meat.
0:16:55 > 0:16:59- Meat.- Meat, meat, meat. - OK, hopefully that's a yes.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02I'll just go and... Keith would you like to...?
0:17:02 > 0:17:04I think that's a yes. Um, please.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06Take a seat.
0:17:07 > 0:17:10Sorry, sorry, sorry. Excuse me, Ug, what are you doing?
0:17:10 > 0:17:12Ug take seat.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15Um, sorry, no, I meant sit down, not, um...
0:17:15 > 0:17:17Ah!
0:17:17 > 0:17:20- Yep.- I'm sure that's just his little joke.
0:17:20 > 0:17:23I don't think it is.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25Good.
0:17:25 > 0:17:29Er, so the Neanderthals are dying out they tell me.
0:17:29 > 0:17:30Ug.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33Any reason why you think that might be?
0:17:33 > 0:17:36You lot, Homo Sapian,
0:17:36 > 0:17:39get best food, get best cave,
0:17:39 > 0:17:42but you know main reason,
0:17:42 > 0:17:44Ug stupid.
0:17:44 > 0:17:49- Oh!- Well, I mean, we're all similar, aren't we?
0:17:49 > 0:17:51We're all descended from apes, um.
0:17:51 > 0:17:56I mean you two, you two look a bit, wrong, but...but no, it's...
0:17:56 > 0:17:59- Big forehead.- Yes, that's clear.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01- Yeah.- Big nose. - Didn't want to say anything.
0:18:01 > 0:18:05- Face only mother could love.- Oh!
0:18:05 > 0:18:08Oh, don't do that, ow.
0:18:08 > 0:18:12There's no reason you lot can't evolve to be as clever as us,
0:18:12 > 0:18:13if you put your mind to it.
0:18:13 > 0:18:19- Ug.- Oh.- Ug put bone in eye. - Yes, you did, didn't you?
0:18:19 > 0:18:21I mean intelligence isn't everything.
0:18:21 > 0:18:25- No.- I wouldn't be surprised if you lot didn't outlive us all, yeah.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28Oh, dear! They're both dead!
0:18:28 > 0:18:30- They've literally just died out. - Yeah.- But...
0:18:30 > 0:18:35- Hm.- Can't say I'm that sad - they were starting to bore me to tears.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37- Hm.- I just don't like primitive house guests.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39- Yep.- You know I don't like them.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41The Pemberton's are about to arrive,
0:18:41 > 0:18:44- I invited them to dinner as well. - What?!
0:18:45 > 0:18:48Geoff, Carol, hi!
0:18:48 > 0:18:51- Carol, how are you? Do come in. - Lovely to see you.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54Shut up, Keith.
0:19:14 > 0:19:19In Saxon Britain, we had some pretty silly ways of telling whether or not
0:19:19 > 0:19:22someone was guilty of a crime.
0:19:26 > 0:19:30The court of historical law is now in session.
0:19:30 > 0:19:34Today, we'll be trying all crimes
0:19:34 > 0:19:37using methods from Anglo Saxon Britain.
0:19:37 > 0:19:42Today's prosecutor, all the way from 978 AD,
0:19:42 > 0:19:45Ethelred the Unready.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50Sorry, sorry. Huh!
0:19:50 > 0:19:52Wasn't ready.
0:19:52 > 0:19:59Ethelred the Unready, lawmaker and largely useless English King.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02- Um..- The accused,
0:20:02 > 0:20:04Ted.
0:20:04 > 0:20:08So then, Ted,
0:20:08 > 0:20:12I put it to you that on the night of the 3rd July
0:20:12 > 0:20:15you did meanly and with intentional naughtiness
0:20:15 > 0:20:18steal a horse.
0:20:18 > 0:20:19How do you plead?
0:20:19 > 0:20:23- Not guilty.- Oh, good, I hate it when they plead guilty.
0:20:23 > 0:20:27- We don't get to do any of the fun stuff.- W-what fun stuff?
0:20:27 > 0:20:30Oh, we Anglo Saxons call them ordeals
0:20:30 > 0:20:33because, well, they're a bit of an ordeal really.
0:20:33 > 0:20:37- Really?- Oh, yes, they're horrible.
0:20:37 > 0:20:42Take you, for instance, the horse's owner says you did steal his horse
0:20:42 > 0:20:44and you're saying you didn't.
0:20:44 > 0:20:48- I didn't.- Exactly, so how do we go about finding out the truth?
0:20:48 > 0:20:52Um, do you gather evidence
0:20:52 > 0:20:55and look for witnesses, then make a balanced and informed decision?
0:20:55 > 0:20:57Ha ha ha!
0:20:57 > 0:20:59No, we give you ordeal by ducking,
0:20:59 > 0:21:04which is where we tie your toe to your wrist and chuck you in a river.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07If you float, you're guilty, we cut off your hands and feet.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10If you sink, you're innocent.
0:21:10 > 0:21:11But dead?
0:21:11 > 0:21:13Oh, yes, you probably drown.
0:21:13 > 0:21:18Right, um, is there not another ordeal I could do instead?
0:21:18 > 0:21:20How about ordeal by burning?
0:21:20 > 0:21:25That's where you grip a white hot iron bar and walk three paces.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28Then we bandage the wounds. After three days,
0:21:28 > 0:21:32if the wounds aren't healed, you're guilty, off with the hands and feet.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35If they're healed, you're innocent.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38And how long would a wound like that normally take to heal?
0:21:38 > 0:21:40Oh, good Lord! Months I imagine.
0:21:40 > 0:21:44Are there any ordeals that are a bit less...impossible?
0:21:45 > 0:21:48Ordeal by cake?
0:21:48 > 0:21:50Oh, yeah, I like the sound of that one. What's that one like?
0:21:50 > 0:21:52You eat a cake.
0:21:52 > 0:21:55If you choke, you're guilty, off with the hands and feet.
0:21:55 > 0:21:59If you manage to eat the cake without choking, you're innocent.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02So, all I have to do is eat a piece of cake without choking?
0:22:02 > 0:22:05Yes, tried and tested Anglo Saxon ordeal, that one.
0:22:05 > 0:22:07- I think I'll go for that one then, please.- Very well.
0:22:07 > 0:22:11You've chosen ordeal by cake.
0:22:14 > 0:22:19Simply swear an oath of innocence and eat away.
0:22:19 > 0:22:20I swear that I'm innocent.
0:22:25 > 0:22:27- That's very good, that is. - Yes, made it myself.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32CHOKING Guilty. Guilty!
0:22:32 > 0:22:36Fair enough. I did nick that horse.
0:22:39 > 0:22:44There really was an Anglo Saxon ordeal by cake, and what's more,
0:22:44 > 0:22:51in 1053, Earl Harold Godwin, chose ordeal by cake and choked to death.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53HE LAUGHS
0:23:01 > 0:23:06If you were found to be guilty of a crime in Saxon Britain,
0:23:06 > 0:23:10our punishments were really horrible.
0:23:10 > 0:23:13And now time for our fairy tale series,
0:23:13 > 0:23:16where all the stories are retold in different historical settings.
0:23:16 > 0:23:21Today, Goldilocks And The Three Bears, The Saxon Version.
0:23:21 > 0:23:25When the bear family returned home from their nice walk,
0:23:25 > 0:23:30they saw that someone had eaten up all of baby bear's porridge.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32And when the bears went into the
0:23:32 > 0:23:37bedroom, they found Goldilocks still asleep in baby bear's bed.
0:23:37 > 0:23:39Goldilocks woke up with a start
0:23:39 > 0:23:43to see three angry bears staring at her.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46Before you could say, "Who's been eating my porridge?"
0:23:46 > 0:23:50- she was branded with the letter F.- Ow.
0:23:50 > 0:23:52And had her ears and hands cut off,
0:23:52 > 0:23:55because that's what they used to do to thieves in Saxon times.
0:23:55 > 0:23:58The end.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02It's true. Saxons really did chop off thieves hands
0:24:02 > 0:24:06and brand their foreheads so people would watch out for them. Huh!
0:24:06 > 0:24:10Like they could steal stuff without any hands, der.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15Gorgeous Georgians.
0:24:15 > 0:24:21In Georgian times, Britain developed the strongest navy in the world,
0:24:21 > 0:24:24but they needed lots of people to man all the ships.
0:24:24 > 0:24:30These days, I'm a successful Georgian sailor working in the Royal Navy.
0:24:30 > 0:24:34But not so long ago I was a lazy, no good, drunken, low life.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36A bit like this lad.
0:24:36 > 0:24:39Hello, you're my best mate.
0:24:41 > 0:24:44My story could be your story too.
0:24:44 > 0:24:47Would you like the chance to sail the seven seas?
0:24:47 > 0:24:50Get whipped whenever the captain feels like it?
0:24:50 > 0:24:54Have your injured limb hacked off with a saw by a drunk doctor?
0:24:54 > 0:24:57Or eat biscuits teaming with creepy crawlies?
0:24:57 > 0:24:59No? Well, tough!
0:24:59 > 0:25:05This is the 1700's so we'll just wait until you're too drunk to stand,
0:25:05 > 0:25:08then one of our press gangs will kidnap you and take you on board.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10What's going on?
0:25:10 > 0:25:14- Come on, out you come. You're still my best mate.- Get the scum aboard.
0:25:14 > 0:25:17The Georgian Royal Navy, bravely defending Britain's Empire
0:25:17 > 0:25:21with some people found lying on the floor of the local tavern.
0:25:24 > 0:25:30So, on board ship the doctor would hack off your arm with a saw, yuk.
0:25:30 > 0:25:33And Georgian doctors weren't much better on land.
0:25:44 > 0:25:49BP is falling rapidly. He's in tachycardia. Temperature's 102.
0:25:49 > 0:25:53You'll be OK. All we have to do is find you a decent doctor.
0:25:53 > 0:25:56Where's Zak? You're not a proper doctor.
0:25:56 > 0:25:58So?
0:25:58 > 0:26:03I'm Dr Montague Foselpeck, master of Georgian medicaments.
0:26:03 > 0:26:08This poor creature is in dire need of my many medical skills.
0:26:09 > 0:26:12What manner of misfortune has befallen this fellow?
0:26:12 > 0:26:16Well, his misfortune is high fever, falling pulse...
0:26:16 > 0:26:18Kindly leave the diagnosis to me, Sir.
0:26:18 > 0:26:22It is obvious this man is suffering from the tumour.
0:26:22 > 0:26:26There is but one cure. I shall need some ground up wood lice, some sugar,
0:26:26 > 0:26:30nutmeg and a flask of fresh urine.
0:26:31 > 0:26:34Fill this flask with your finest urine, young buck,
0:26:34 > 0:26:36and I shall need some water.
0:26:40 > 0:26:43That's better. What's this?
0:26:43 > 0:26:45Fear of water?
0:26:45 > 0:26:48He must also be suffering from the rabies.
0:26:48 > 0:26:51The cure for this malady is quite simple.
0:26:51 > 0:26:54I shall need the hair of the hound that first bit him.
0:26:54 > 0:26:57The hair of the hound that first bit him? That will never work.
0:26:57 > 0:27:02Impertinent as you are, young fellow, you might be right.
0:27:02 > 0:27:05I have it, we'll add more urine.
0:27:05 > 0:27:07Go to it, sir.
0:27:07 > 0:27:09Sir Ann Saunders.
0:27:12 > 0:27:14PATIENT GROANS
0:27:14 > 0:27:16T'would seem he also has a headache.
0:27:16 > 0:27:19Happily the remedy for a headache is most straightforward.
0:27:19 > 0:27:24All I need is some mallow flowers and some snails to mash them up with.
0:27:24 > 0:27:28- Crushed snail, dogs hair, wood lice. - And, forget not, the flask of urine.
0:27:28 > 0:27:31- Are you crazy? - I'm not bound for Bedlam, sir.
0:27:31 > 0:27:36These are all good Georgian remedies practised on kings and princes.
0:27:36 > 0:27:38Oh, right, fair enough.
0:27:38 > 0:27:41- Did they ever work?- Of course not.
0:27:41 > 0:27:43How do you think we got through four King Georges?
0:27:43 > 0:27:46A toast to their royal memory.
0:27:46 > 0:27:48No, that's the ur... Oh.
0:27:51 > 0:27:52Ah!