0:00:02 > 0:00:03# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians, slimy stewards,
0:00:03 > 0:00:05# Vile Victorians, woeful wars, ferocious fights,
0:00:05 > 0:00:06# Dingy Castles, daring knights!
0:00:06 > 0:00:09# Horrors that defy description, cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians
0:00:09 > 0:00:12# Vicious Vikings, cruel crime, piles of stuff from ancient times
0:00:12 > 0:00:13# Romans, rotten rank and ruthless,
0:00:13 > 0:00:15# Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless
0:00:15 > 0:00:18# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages, mean and misery middle ages
0:00:18 > 0:00:20# Gory stories, we do that
0:00:20 > 0:00:23# And your host a talking rat
0:00:23 > 0:00:27# The past is no longer a mystery
0:00:27 > 0:00:31# Welcome to Horrible Histories! #
0:00:33 > 0:00:36Terrible Tudors.
0:00:37 > 0:00:42Our Tudor Queen, Elizabeth I, liked to think that she was very beautiful,
0:00:42 > 0:00:45but she wasn't really much of a looker.
0:00:46 > 0:00:50Oh Yea! magazine has all the gossip from Elizabethan times.
0:00:50 > 0:00:53We've got the pictures they didn't want you to see.
0:00:53 > 0:00:57She wanted her portraits burned because she looked ugly,
0:00:57 > 0:00:58but we have them.
0:00:58 > 0:01:01Queen Elizabeth I as you've never seen her before.
0:01:01 > 0:01:05Big spot on the neck. Should've covered that up, ma'am.
0:01:05 > 0:01:09Urgh, sweaty pits, even though Liz has four baths a year,
0:01:09 > 0:01:11yes, four whole baths a year.
0:01:11 > 0:01:16Oh, dear, your majesty, you really shouldn't have caught smallpox.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18You've got more craters than the moon!
0:01:19 > 0:01:20Ugh, look at the rotten gob!
0:01:20 > 0:01:23Don't smile, your Royal Ugliness!
0:01:23 > 0:01:26Saint Catherine of Sienna's diet revealed.
0:01:26 > 0:01:29Stay thin by drinking leper's pus and water.
0:01:29 > 0:01:33All the goss, all the pics, all the Tudor tittle-tattle,
0:01:33 > 0:01:35only in this week's Oh Yea!
0:01:35 > 0:01:38Tudor medicine wasn't exactly brilliant.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41When Queen Elizabeth caught smallpox,
0:01:41 > 0:01:43a disease that often killed people,
0:01:43 > 0:01:45her doctors thought the best cure
0:01:45 > 0:01:48would be to wrap her up in a lovely red blanket.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51She did live, but uh, somehow I don't think the blanket
0:01:51 > 0:01:53had a lot to do with it.
0:02:04 > 0:02:05The doctor's on his way now.
0:02:05 > 0:02:09Um, he looks a bit odd.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13Oh, yes, well he's on loan to us from the Tudor era.
0:02:16 > 0:02:17Ahh!
0:02:18 > 0:02:21Greetings sir, what ails thee this day?
0:02:21 > 0:02:23Touch of the plague?
0:02:23 > 0:02:24No.
0:02:24 > 0:02:28- Demonic possession?- No. - Small dragon living in the stomach?
0:02:28 > 0:02:30No, of, of course not.
0:02:30 > 0:02:35I've got a blister on my thumb and was a bit worried about it.
0:02:35 > 0:02:36Worry no more!
0:02:36 > 0:02:41We Tudors have great experience in the field of medicine.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43All I need to do...
0:02:43 > 0:02:49is put a...burning hot plaster on the skin to draw out the blister.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52Argh, that burns! You idiot!
0:02:52 > 0:02:54Mmm, yes.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57The scorching plaster has caused redness of the skin,
0:02:57 > 0:03:00but worry not, we shall sort that out...
0:03:00 > 0:03:03Nice and sharp. Need to make several cuts, here.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06- Argh!- Here.- Argh!- And here.- Argh!
0:03:06 > 0:03:08- Ooh.- Let some of the blood out.
0:03:08 > 0:03:12- Oh, I feel a bit faint.- Ooh, yes, well, you do look a little pale.
0:03:12 > 0:03:17Well, don't worry, a few sips of this will sort you out.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19- What is it?- Eh, it's beer.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21Mixed in with some lice.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24Ooh, yes.
0:03:24 > 0:03:28Ah, now some of the lice seem to be making a home in your hair,
0:03:28 > 0:03:31but don't worry, the cure for that
0:03:31 > 0:03:35is very simple, we just need to wash your hair in tobacco juice.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38Just like that. Aah.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40Ah, now.
0:03:40 > 0:03:46That's odd. The tobacco juice seems to have caused some baldness.
0:03:46 > 0:03:51Uh, don't worry, we Tudors have a cure for that, too.
0:03:51 > 0:03:57- Simply smear the affected area in fox grease. Yes.- Argh!
0:03:57 > 0:04:00- What are you doing? Get off!- Watch out for the fox grease on the floor.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03Oh, my head. Ugh.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08Ooh, that does look nasty.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11Don't worry, give you something for the pain.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14Now that is a combination of hemlock and opium.
0:04:14 > 0:04:18It's a great painkiller, although sadly it does act as a strong poison
0:04:18 > 0:04:21if I give you too much, which is quite likely,
0:04:21 > 0:04:25- so you may suffer some ill effects, such as death.- Oh...
0:04:25 > 0:04:29- Mmm.- I only came in...with a blister!
0:04:31 > 0:04:35Ah, dead. Right, who's next?
0:04:39 > 0:04:41Groovy Greeks.
0:04:42 > 0:04:46We Greeks were great at making up stories.
0:04:46 > 0:04:50So good, in fact, that sometimes it's difficult to tell
0:04:50 > 0:04:55if they really happened or not, like this one, the story of Helen of Troy.
0:04:58 > 0:05:03Ancient Sparta and the King has news for his daughter, Helen of Troy.
0:05:03 > 0:05:06Daughter, it is time to choose a husband
0:05:06 > 0:05:09from all the Kings and the Princes of Greece.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13Yeah, whatever, I'll have that one.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15Menelaus of Sparta is chosen.
0:05:15 > 0:05:19Sweet as a nut, mate. Yes!
0:05:19 > 0:05:22Helen and Menelaus were married the next week.
0:05:22 > 0:05:25Helen, you is well fit.
0:05:25 > 0:05:29Your face could launch a thousand ships, yeah?
0:05:29 > 0:05:31What, what is that supposed to mean?
0:05:31 > 0:05:33I think I've married an idiot.
0:05:35 > 0:05:36But then...
0:05:36 > 0:05:38another suitor turned up.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40Sorry I'm late, yeah.
0:05:40 > 0:05:45I Paris, Prince of Troy, I'm here for the husband choosing.
0:05:45 > 0:05:46You is too late, yeah?
0:05:46 > 0:05:49This ship has already sailed and it's mine.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51Captain Menelaus.
0:05:51 > 0:05:57Wow! That Paris, he is well fit.
0:05:58 > 0:06:02Menelaus won't mind if I run away to Troy with Paris,
0:06:02 > 0:06:04he'll forget about me in like no time.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07But Menelaus didn't forget about Helen.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09Listen up yeah,
0:06:09 > 0:06:14I want all us Greek soldiers to march on Troy, ya get me?
0:06:14 > 0:06:17We're gonna tear that city up!
0:06:17 > 0:06:19Kill them all, is it?
0:06:19 > 0:06:21Yeah, it is.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24- Meanwhile, in Troy...- Whoops.
0:06:24 > 0:06:28Uh, sorry. Started a war. Urgh.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30Ha ha! Oh...
0:06:31 > 0:06:35Menelaus has bought a huge army to take you back to Greece, yeah?
0:06:35 > 0:06:37He's surrounded Troy.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39We is going to war.
0:06:40 > 0:06:45Oh. Oh, you boys. Honestly. Ha-ha!
0:06:45 > 0:06:50The war lasts for ten long years.
0:06:50 > 0:06:54Ugh, bored now. Oh.
0:06:57 > 0:07:02Helen, I got well bad news. Paris is dead.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05Which one's he again?
0:07:05 > 0:07:08My brother, the Prince.
0:07:08 > 0:07:12That bloke you ran off with? The reason for this ten year war?
0:07:12 > 0:07:14Oh, yeah, I remember.
0:07:14 > 0:07:18All Helen has to do to end the war and thousands of lives,
0:07:18 > 0:07:20is go back to her husband Menelaus.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23What will she do?
0:07:24 > 0:07:27Ooh, you is well fit. Do you fancy getting married?
0:07:27 > 0:07:29If you like.
0:07:29 > 0:07:30Me name's Diephobus by the way.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33- Whatever.- Friends call me Phoby.
0:07:33 > 0:07:35Don't really care.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38It was to be a short marriage.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41All right Menelaus, what is up, boo?
0:07:41 > 0:07:47I has destroyed Troy, Paris is dead, Deus, Deus,
0:07:47 > 0:07:48that one is dead as well
0:07:48 > 0:07:50and it's all cos of you, girl.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52What you got to say for yourself? Ugh.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55Ooh, you're really fit when you're angry.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58- Do you fancy getting back together again?- Yeah.
0:07:58 > 0:08:02What am I like? Aha!
0:08:02 > 0:08:05So, that's the story of Helen of Troy.
0:08:05 > 0:08:09For years she and Paris were safe inside the city of Troy.
0:08:09 > 0:08:13Menelaus and his Greek army couldn't get inside its huge walls,
0:08:13 > 0:08:17but then they came up with a nifty idea, why not use a horse?
0:08:17 > 0:08:19No, stupid, they didn't jump the walls,
0:08:19 > 0:08:23they built a huge wooden one and they hid inside it.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25Ha. Imagine that.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27Wibble wobble, wibble wobble.
0:08:31 > 0:08:36This is unbelievable, unbelievable, I mean this will never work.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38It'll work. It's brilliant.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40It's ridiculous.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42We've been at war with Troy for ten years,
0:08:42 > 0:08:46- ten years we've tried to get in the city walls?- Right.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48Suddenly this morning they're gonna think
0:08:48 > 0:08:51"Oh, they've gone home. They've given up"?
0:08:51 > 0:08:54- Yes. - A massive wooden horse,
0:08:54 > 0:08:58big enough to comfortably hide 100 Greek soldiers.
0:08:58 > 0:09:00I didn't say comfortably.
0:09:00 > 0:09:03What are the Trojans gonna think?
0:09:03 > 0:09:05"Oh, they've left us a present.
0:09:05 > 0:09:10"I know, let's drag it inside the city walls and all go to bed."
0:09:10 > 0:09:13Like I said, it's brilliant.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15There's someone coming.
0:09:15 > 0:09:17Whoa.
0:09:17 > 0:09:21A massive wooden horse.
0:09:21 > 0:09:25'Well, that is odd.'
0:09:25 > 0:09:28- Any sign of the Greeks?- Uh, no sir.
0:09:28 > 0:09:33Best guess, they just suddenly decided to pack up and go home,
0:09:33 > 0:09:35leaving a massive wooden horse,
0:09:35 > 0:09:39like a gift, say sorry for all the killing and that.
0:09:39 > 0:09:41Oh, well that's really nice.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44Yeah.
0:09:44 > 0:09:49Although it could be some sort of a trap, you know what Greeks are like.
0:09:49 > 0:09:53- Yeah.- Well, the way I see it, we've got two options here,
0:09:53 > 0:09:58- either we assume it is a trap and burn it where it stands.- Mmm hmm.
0:09:58 > 0:10:04Or we say look, this is just a nice, if completely weird present, and
0:10:04 > 0:10:08drag it inside the city walls, leave it unguarded and go to bed.
0:10:08 > 0:10:12My mum always taught me to try and see the best in people, sir.
0:10:12 > 0:10:13Quite right.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16All right, let's drag it inside.
0:10:16 > 0:10:17Come on soldier.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27- Can't believe it worked.- I told you.
0:10:27 > 0:10:32I thought of everything, there's nothing can go wrong.
0:10:32 > 0:10:33PFRRRRT!
0:10:33 > 0:10:35Flatulus.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37Oh, you're an animal.
0:10:38 > 0:10:42The story of the wooden horse has a happy ending,
0:10:42 > 0:10:47us Greeks got inside Troy and slaughtered all the Trojans.
0:10:47 > 0:10:51Ah. Well, it was happy ending for us Greeks, anyway.
0:10:52 > 0:10:55Measly Middle Ages.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12The answer is...
0:11:12 > 0:11:15B, a knight would give the baby its first feed
0:11:15 > 0:11:17from the tip of his sword.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01Oh, I can't.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40Otherwise we can't catch them.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48Posh knights like that love to go jousting,
0:12:48 > 0:12:53but us poor peasants couldn't afford the horses and stuff.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55So instead, we went jousting on ice.
0:13:04 > 0:13:07Hi, and welcome to That Was Entertainment,
0:13:07 > 0:13:10the show that takes mass entertainment of the past
0:13:10 > 0:13:13and recreates it in modern day.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15I'm Bradley Huxtable and as always
0:13:15 > 0:13:19I'm joined by my esteemed panel of judges.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22You want to see good family entertainment?
0:13:22 > 0:13:27Well, you won't find it here, because tonight we're recreating...
0:13:27 > 0:13:31Jousting on ice.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33APPLAUSE
0:13:33 > 0:13:37That's right. When the River Thames froze over in the Middle Ages,
0:13:37 > 0:13:40peasants used to joust on it, just like knights,
0:13:40 > 0:13:43only without armour and with ice skates instead of horses.
0:13:44 > 0:13:49It was dangerous, it was deadly, it was great entertainment,
0:13:49 > 0:13:51if you're a Medieval peasant.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53APPLAUSE
0:13:53 > 0:13:57We've kitted these two out in skates made from animal bone.
0:13:57 > 0:14:01Now they're gonna skate at each other as fast as they can
0:14:01 > 0:14:04and ram each other using these lethal poles.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06Sounds risky? Well, that's because it is.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10It's time to meet our judges.
0:14:10 > 0:14:12Kate, what's your thoughts on tonight's joust, love?
0:14:12 > 0:14:16- Oh, I think it's going to be great. - Yes.
0:14:16 > 0:14:19- Antonio? - I think it's gonna be rubbish.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23And Jeremy, love?
0:14:23 > 0:14:26I think someone's gonna get hurt real bad.
0:14:26 > 0:14:30Well, let's see. It's a game where anything can happen,
0:14:30 > 0:14:34but only one thing will happen, two players will be seriously injured.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36It's time to recreate...
0:14:36 > 0:14:40Medieval jousting on ice!
0:14:59 > 0:15:03Wow, I think, I think a round of applause for our contestants there,
0:15:03 > 0:15:05ladies and gentlemen.
0:15:05 > 0:15:08Well, that's Medieval jousting for you. He's lost his eye.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10What a sport though, ladies and gentlemen.
0:15:12 > 0:15:16Right, well, Kate, what did you think of that?
0:15:16 > 0:15:19I'm going to give it eight out of ten,
0:15:19 > 0:15:22because I think that's his chances of surviving.
0:15:22 > 0:15:25- Antonio. - Nine out of ten, magnificent.
0:15:25 > 0:15:28- I wasn't expecting his eye to fly out.- Mmm.
0:15:28 > 0:15:32I think it landed round here somewhere, you guys.
0:15:34 > 0:15:35Well, there you have it.
0:15:35 > 0:15:38And remember, don't try any ice jousting at home kids,
0:15:38 > 0:15:41unless you're a Medieval peasant or a complete idiot.
0:15:41 > 0:15:43Well, that's all for this week.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46We'll be back next week, but until then it's ta-ta from my panel.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48Say ta-ta panel.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50- ALL: Ta-ta.- And ta-ta from me.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52Ta-ta. Ta-ta!
0:16:33 > 0:16:37Anyway, peasants pong. Urgh.
0:17:02 > 0:17:04Woeful Second World War.
0:17:06 > 0:17:11In Britain there was a real shortage of lots of stuff because of the war,
0:17:11 > 0:17:15so things like food and clothes had to be rationed.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17Time again for our fairytale series,
0:17:17 > 0:17:21where the stories are retold in different historical settings.
0:17:21 > 0:17:23Today, Cinderella.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26The World War II version.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29And Cinderella was left all alone to clean the house,
0:17:29 > 0:17:33while her ugly sisters went to Prince Charming's Ball
0:17:33 > 0:17:34in beautiful dresses.
0:17:34 > 0:17:38Cinderella was so sad she spoke out loud.
0:17:38 > 0:17:42I wish I was going to the ball in a beautiful dress.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45And suddenly her fairy godmother appeared.
0:17:47 > 0:17:53Cinderella, you have been a good, honest girl your whole life.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55You deserve that dress.
0:17:55 > 0:17:58There was a puff of smoke and when it cleared...
0:17:59 > 0:18:03Sadly, due to World War II rationing,
0:18:03 > 0:18:07there aren't any new dresses, so... you'll just have to make do.
0:18:07 > 0:18:11Please, Fairy Godmother, can't you use your magic?
0:18:11 > 0:18:13And there was another flash of smoke.
0:18:13 > 0:18:19Had the fairy godmother used her magic to make Cinderella a dress?
0:18:19 > 0:18:22No, the house had been hit by a German bomb.
0:18:22 > 0:18:26Still, due to the bombing raid there was a blackout in force,
0:18:26 > 0:18:28so the Ball was cancelled anyway.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31Get sweeping, ugly.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34The end.
0:18:34 > 0:18:38It's true! Women couldn't go around in posh frocks during the war.
0:18:38 > 0:18:39They had to get creative,
0:18:39 > 0:18:43repairing old dresses or making new ones, out of curtains.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46And that's not all, check this out.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48Just because the Second World War's on
0:18:48 > 0:18:50doesn't mean a girl can't have wonderful legs.
0:18:50 > 0:18:54That's why I wear gravy stockings.
0:18:54 > 0:18:59Thanks to the war, imported luxuries are in short supply, but don't worry
0:18:59 > 0:19:02because new gravy stockings look just like the real thing.
0:19:02 > 0:19:05See? You can't even spot the difference!
0:19:05 > 0:19:08Just boil down some old cow bones,
0:19:08 > 0:19:13smear it on your legs, poo, and you too will look good enough to eat.
0:19:13 > 0:19:16Why not use eyeliner to draw a seam down the back?
0:19:16 > 0:19:19And they'll look even more like the real thing.
0:19:19 > 0:19:23And they can last for up to a month, as long as it doesn't rain.
0:19:23 > 0:19:27So look good enough to eat, with new gravy stockings.
0:19:27 > 0:19:30Under no circumstances should gravy stockings be worn
0:19:30 > 0:19:31anywhere near dogs.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33BARKING
0:19:33 > 0:19:34Argh!
0:19:36 > 0:19:38Awful Egyptians.
0:19:40 > 0:19:44Many Ancient Egyptian Pharaohs were buried in huge pyramids.
0:19:44 > 0:19:48Obviously, Pharaohs didn't buy their pyramids off estate agents.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52But imagine what it would have been like if they had.
0:19:54 > 0:19:57And this room you are just going to love, Mighty Pharaoh.
0:19:59 > 0:20:00Very impressive.
0:20:00 > 0:20:04- So basically this is the main living area.- Mmm hmm.
0:20:04 > 0:20:07For when you're dead. So I suppose it's the non living area.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10- Oh, it's nice.- Yeah and it's fitted with everything
0:20:10 > 0:20:12you could possibly want in the afterlife.
0:20:12 > 0:20:17There's a luxury coffin, king-size of course, and an en-suite toilet.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19Will I need a toilet?
0:20:19 > 0:20:23They will take out my intestines when they turn me into a mummy.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25Well, all the best pyramids have them.
0:20:25 > 0:20:26Mmm, I suppose. Mmm.
0:20:26 > 0:20:30Now, there aren't any rats in here are there? I can't abide rats.
0:20:30 > 0:20:34I can assure you, Mrs Pharaoh, the only rats in here...
0:20:34 > 0:20:35- are mummified.- Ah, yeah.
0:20:35 > 0:20:40Well, uh, that'll give something for the cats to chase, won't it?
0:20:42 > 0:20:46- Meow, meow.- Hmm mmm, yes.
0:20:47 > 0:20:50- Isn't it lovely? - Hmm? Well, I'm glad you like it,
0:20:50 > 0:20:54after all when I die they'll bury you in here with me, alive.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57- Ooh, you're so romantic.- Oh.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59Through there there's a servants wing,
0:20:59 > 0:21:01with plenty of room for the staff that'll be slaughtered
0:21:01 > 0:21:03to look after you in the afterlife.
0:21:03 > 0:21:06Including the royal bottom wiper?
0:21:06 > 0:21:09Especially the royal bottom wiper.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11Excellent.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13Just one final question.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16- Yeah, fire away. - What's crime like in this area?
0:21:16 > 0:21:19I've heard there a few tomb raiders knocking about.
0:21:19 > 0:21:23- Your untold riches are more than safe here, my illustrious Pharaoh.- Mmm.
0:21:23 > 0:21:26All the entrance passageways are a complex maze
0:21:26 > 0:21:31of dead end corridors, secret sliding keystones and trap doors.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33Nobody is getting in here.
0:21:33 > 0:21:37Ah well, it's just... Yeah. Happy?
0:21:37 > 0:21:42- Mmm.- OK, we'll take it. - Yeah. Super. Right this way.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50Uh, no, no. No, I know what I'm doing, huh,
0:21:50 > 0:21:54the secret sliding keystone is here somewhere.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56Oh, oh, or was it the trapdoor, huh?
0:21:56 > 0:21:59Ye, oh, oh, no, no, the ceiling.
0:21:59 > 0:22:01Uh, oh, huh.
0:22:03 > 0:22:08No, obviously pyramids weren't really sold by estate agents,
0:22:08 > 0:22:10but the rest is 100% accu-rat.
0:22:10 > 0:22:13The pyramids were fitted with loads of clever devices
0:22:13 > 0:22:16to stop robbers nicking the treasure. Hmm.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18So do you know what the robbers did?
0:22:18 > 0:22:20They started nicking the treasure
0:22:20 > 0:22:23before it was put in the pyramids in the first place.
0:22:24 > 0:22:25Clever robbers. Hmm.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45The answer is...
0:22:45 > 0:22:47A, he had the head of a baboon.
0:22:47 > 0:22:51The Ancient Egyptians had some really weird looking gods,
0:22:51 > 0:22:53like this lot.
0:22:57 > 0:23:01Greetings, I am Thoth, Egyptian god of wisdom.
0:23:01 > 0:23:05You are Thoth, Egyptian god of looking stupid more like.
0:23:05 > 0:23:08Well, that's rich coming from you, dogface.
0:23:08 > 0:23:13How dare you, bird brain! I am Anubis, Egyptian God of the Dead.
0:23:13 > 0:23:14Look, let's be honest,
0:23:14 > 0:23:17neither of us exactly lucked out in the looks department.
0:23:17 > 0:23:21Yes, true. Having a dog's head is so embarrassing,
0:23:21 > 0:23:25I can't resist sniffing people's bottoms.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27I know just how you guys feel.
0:23:27 > 0:23:32I am Sobek, Egyptian God of the Waterways. I eat rotten flesh.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35Urgh, your breath stinks.
0:23:35 > 0:23:36Why don't you brush your teeth?
0:23:36 > 0:23:39I've got hundreds of them, it would take forever.
0:23:39 > 0:23:43It's tough being an Egyptian god.
0:23:43 > 0:23:45- Sure is.- Huh, poor us.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47You lot don't know you're born.
0:23:47 > 0:23:48I'm the Devourer.
0:23:48 > 0:23:53I prowl the afterlife, eating the wicked, urgh, and I get saddled
0:23:53 > 0:23:59with the nose of a crocodile, the head of a lion and a hippo's bum.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02Hippo bum, hippo bum.
0:24:02 > 0:24:03- Hippo bum, hippo bum.- Ha ha.
0:24:03 > 0:24:08Guys, do I need to remind you that my job is to devour the wicked?
0:24:08 > 0:24:10We should probably shut up then.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12That would be wise.
0:24:12 > 0:24:15Well, I am the god of wisdom.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17Urgh.
0:24:17 > 0:24:22Sorry, the wicked give me terrible wind.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26Vile Victorians.
0:24:26 > 0:24:30In Victorian London all the tap water came from the River Thames.
0:24:30 > 0:24:35Unfortunately, all the sewers emptied straight into it as well.
0:24:35 > 0:24:38Imagine that. Ugh.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44Mabel, have you washed your face?
0:24:44 > 0:24:49- Yes.- No you haven't, now go on, do it properly. Now.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51Yes, Mother.
0:24:58 > 0:25:01There, that's much better. Good girl.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06That's right, tap water came from the Thames,
0:25:06 > 0:25:11which was so full of everyone's poo that it really, really stank.
0:25:11 > 0:25:15Pooey. It was so smelly that the problem was actually discussed here,
0:25:15 > 0:25:16in Parliament.
0:25:16 > 0:25:19I wonder what that meeting was like.
0:25:23 > 0:25:25Morning everyone.
0:25:26 > 0:25:27Morning sir.
0:25:29 > 0:25:30What's this meeting in aid of then?
0:25:30 > 0:25:32You know I hate coming into Parliament.
0:25:33 > 0:25:37Well, we thought it might be time to address the problem of the smell.
0:25:37 > 0:25:38What smell's that then?
0:25:38 > 0:25:41Don't you remember sir, before the clothes pegs?
0:25:41 > 0:25:43Before the clo...
0:25:49 > 0:25:50Oh, yes, I remember now.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53So, where's it coming from?
0:25:53 > 0:25:55Uh, well at first we thought it might be Lawson.
0:25:55 > 0:26:00- Oh, of course.- But it turns out it's actually coming from the Thames.
0:26:00 > 0:26:06It would seem that if you pump loads and loads of raw sewage into a river
0:26:06 > 0:26:10then, uh, that river begins to smell of raw sewage.
0:26:10 > 0:26:12Don't blind me with science, man,
0:26:12 > 0:26:14just tell me what we're going to do about it.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17Perhaps you'd like to start Mr Lawson.
0:26:17 > 0:26:20Yes, well, the problem is the hot summer, you see,
0:26:20 > 0:26:23the sun is baking all of the sewage in the river
0:26:23 > 0:26:27and it's starting to smell like, well, baked sewage.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29So uh, my suggestion is destroy the sun.
0:26:29 > 0:26:31You're fired, Lawson. Next.
0:26:31 > 0:26:35Um, keep wearing pegs on our noses?
0:26:35 > 0:26:38Excellent. Well, thanks for coming everyone.
0:26:38 > 0:26:39With respect Minister,
0:26:39 > 0:26:42I don't think this is a problem we can just let continue.
0:26:42 > 0:26:47I have heard it suggested that the cholera epidemic is in some way
0:26:47 > 0:26:51- linked to the smell from the Thames. - In what way?
0:26:51 > 0:26:55Perhaps getting your tap water from a river you're pumping all your
0:26:55 > 0:26:58sewage into is in some way unhealthy.
0:27:06 > 0:27:12Oh, oh, I'd fire you if you weren't so terribly funny.
0:27:12 > 0:27:14No, no, wait, wait a minute.
0:27:14 > 0:27:16I think I've just had an idea.
0:27:16 > 0:27:21Why don't we coat all the curtains in the building in chloride of lime,
0:27:21 > 0:27:26then the fumes would overwhelm the stench from the river.
0:27:26 > 0:27:28Will that solve the problem?
0:27:28 > 0:27:31No, but it'll stop it from bothering us.
0:27:31 > 0:27:34Good enough. Make it happen.
0:27:37 > 0:27:38Finished sir?
0:27:39 > 0:27:40Ah yes, that's better.
0:27:40 > 0:27:43Finally, we're rid of that awful smell of...
0:27:43 > 0:27:44PFRRRRT!
0:27:44 > 0:27:50Best be on the safe side, do Lawson's trousers while you're at it.
0:27:55 > 0:27:58# Tall tales, atrocious acts, we gave you all the fearsome facts
0:27:58 > 0:28:01# Ugly Truth, no glam or glitz We showed you all the juicy bits
0:28:01 > 0:28:03# Gory, ghastly, mean and cruel
0:28:03 > 0:28:06# Stuff they don't teach you at school
0:28:06 > 0:28:09# The past is no longer a mystery
0:28:09 > 0:28:13# Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories! #
0:28:13 > 0:28:16E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk