0:00:01 > 0:00:03# Terrible Tudors Gorgeous Georgians
0:00:03 > 0:00:04# Slimy Stuarts Vile Victorians
0:00:04 > 0:00:05# Woeful wars Ferocious fights
0:00:05 > 0:00:07# Dingy castles Daring knights!
0:00:07 > 0:00:08# Horrors that defy description
0:00:08 > 0:00:09# Cut-throat Celts Awful Egyptians
0:00:09 > 0:00:11# Vicious Vikings Cruel crimes
0:00:11 > 0:00:12# Pirates come from ancient times,
0:00:12 > 0:00:13# Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless
0:00:13 > 0:00:15# Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless
0:00:15 > 0:00:16# Groovy Greeks Brainy sages
0:00:16 > 0:00:18# Mean and measly Middle Ages.
0:00:18 > 0:00:20# Gory stories, we do that!
0:00:20 > 0:00:23# And your host, a talking rat!
0:00:23 > 0:00:27# The past is no longer a mystery Welcome to...
0:00:27 > 0:00:32# Horrible Histories! #
0:00:37 > 0:00:42We Vikings were always invading Saxon Britain and killing people.
0:00:42 > 0:00:46In 1016, we even killed the Saxon King of England,
0:00:46 > 0:00:50Edmund II, and you're going to love how we did it.
0:00:50 > 0:00:51HE CHUCKLES
0:00:53 > 0:00:55# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths
0:00:55 > 0:00:58# They're funny cos they're true
0:00:58 > 0:01:00# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths
0:01:00 > 0:01:03# Hope next time it's not you! #
0:01:05 > 0:01:08- Mm, when you get... - Oh, no, make way woman!
0:01:08 > 0:01:10I'm sorry can you check me in first, please?
0:01:10 > 0:01:14- You'll have to wait your turn. Take a seat.- Now that's just it, I can't.
0:01:14 > 0:01:15My bottom hurts.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17Argh!
0:01:17 > 0:01:21OK, OK. Right. Name?
0:01:21 > 0:01:23- Edmund II.- Year of death?
0:01:23 > 0:01:26- 1016 AD.- Profession?
0:01:26 > 0:01:28King. King of England.
0:01:28 > 0:01:30Mmm!
0:01:30 > 0:01:32Method of death?
0:01:32 > 0:01:34Well, I died on the toilet.
0:01:34 > 0:01:38Ooh, excellent. I love a good toilet death story. Go on.
0:01:38 > 0:01:42Well, I say toilet. Our Saxon toilets aren't very sophisticated,
0:01:42 > 0:01:44- little more than a pit in the ground.- Nice.
0:01:44 > 0:01:48- Yeah, and unfortunately as I squatted over the toilet...- The pit!
0:01:48 > 0:01:51Yeah. Well, it turns out there was a Viking hiding in it,
0:01:51 > 0:01:55and he stabbed me twice from beneath with a dagger.
0:01:55 > 0:01:59Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:01:59 > 0:02:01Right up the bum!
0:02:01 > 0:02:03Ha-ha-ha! Hilarious! Ha-ha-ha!
0:02:03 > 0:02:08Stop Press, Edmund II dies from dagger up the bottom! Ha-ha-ha!
0:02:08 > 0:02:11Oh, that is hilarious.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13You're dead funny! Ha-ha-ha!
0:02:15 > 0:02:18Oh, did you hear...? Ha-ha!
0:02:18 > 0:02:19Next!
0:02:19 > 0:02:21# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths
0:02:21 > 0:02:24# Hope next time it's not you! #
0:02:27 > 0:02:29Are you a Viking?
0:02:29 > 0:02:32Want to steal some treasure?
0:02:32 > 0:02:37Fancy travelling to Britain and killing lots of Saxons?
0:02:37 > 0:02:40Then Valhalla Tours is for you.
0:02:40 > 0:02:44Yes, sailing tomorrow, a Valhalla Tour to the British Isles
0:02:44 > 0:02:47with a full and exciting schedule.
0:02:47 > 0:02:51Day One, join us as we sail across the North Sea
0:02:51 > 0:02:53in a genuine Viking Long Boat.
0:02:53 > 0:02:57Day Two, a chance to invade the country.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00For the morning we've arranged murder, pillaging and violence
0:03:00 > 0:03:05and in the afternoon, more murder, pillaging and violence.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08Day Three. Time to relax.
0:03:08 > 0:03:12A chance to clean the blood off your beard.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15Day Four. Travel back across the sea,
0:03:15 > 0:03:19counting all the slaves and riches you've stolen from England.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22Viking Valhalla Tours.
0:03:22 > 0:03:23Discover another world,
0:03:23 > 0:03:27and then set fire to it and kill the people that live there.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35Stone Age romance was a funny old business.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38Historians reckon all these rituals
0:03:38 > 0:03:43were real Stone Age ways to find love. Ahhh!
0:03:43 > 0:03:49# Doh, doh, doh, doh
0:03:49 > 0:03:51SHE SINGS
0:04:24 > 0:04:28# Doh, doh, doh, doh
0:04:28 > 0:04:30I think I must look really silly.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33What caveman in his right mind would go for
0:04:33 > 0:04:36a crawling, circling cave girl like?
0:04:36 > 0:04:41- Oh, are you the man for me? - # Caveman love. #
0:04:46 > 0:04:47Grub's up.
0:04:47 > 0:04:51It's Ready, Steady, Feast and time for our Stone Age Special.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54So let's see what our guest has brought along.
0:04:54 > 0:04:55Please welcome, Nug!
0:04:55 > 0:04:58- APPLAUSE Nug!- No, no.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01Right, let's see what exciting ingredients
0:05:01 > 0:05:03- you've brought along for us to cook.- Nug!
0:05:03 > 0:05:07Oh, look at that, a lovely chunk of free range mammoth.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10- Mammoth!- Great choice.
0:05:10 > 0:05:14And your second item? Oh, another chunk of mammoth.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16- And your...?- Nug!
0:05:16 > 0:05:18More mammoth.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20- Fourth item?- Mooo?
0:05:20 > 0:05:25Oh, that's more like it. Some lovely succulent early blueberries.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28- And finally?- Nug!
0:05:28 > 0:05:30Oh, that's a shame. More mammoth.
0:05:30 > 0:05:34Well, I don't suppose you get many vegetarian Stone Age men.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36So how are we going to cook this?
0:05:36 > 0:05:40- No. No!- Let's just eat it raw.- Nug!
0:05:40 > 0:05:41- Oh, come on now Nug.- Nug.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43Oh, berries everywhere.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45Me be back for you, woman.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48No, you won't be back for me, my husband owns the network.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50- APPLAUSE Me be back.- No you won't.
0:05:50 > 0:05:55It's true, in the earliest part of the Stone Age, humans ate meat raw.
0:05:55 > 0:05:59That's until they discovered fire, about a million years ago.
0:05:59 > 0:06:04About when your Headmaster was born. Ha-ha-ha!
0:06:04 > 0:06:09# Doh, doh, doh, doh
0:06:45 > 0:06:48# Doh, doh, doh, doh
0:07:11 > 0:07:16# Doh, doh, doh, doh
0:07:17 > 0:07:22# Doh, doh, doh, doh
0:07:33 > 0:07:37Rome, an empire born through fear,
0:07:37 > 0:07:40fire, good plumbing and war.
0:07:40 > 0:07:44Julius Caesar, an invincible Roman General
0:07:44 > 0:07:48with the greatest Army and nose the world has ever seen.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51And the one man who could stand in his way.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53Vercingetorix,
0:07:53 > 0:07:56leader of the Gaulish hordes.
0:07:56 > 0:08:00So deadly he could wear pigtails and still look hard.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16THEY CHEER
0:08:16 > 0:08:22I will not have this impudent Gaul defy the might of Rome.
0:08:22 > 0:08:27We will crush him in his capital city of Avaricum.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46Well, you get the idea.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49Is mighty Caesar set for his first ever defeat?
0:08:56 > 0:08:59The Battle of Avaricum, coming soon.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01The ending might be a bit of a wash-out.
0:09:01 > 0:09:05It's true, 100% accu-rat.
0:09:05 > 0:09:10The Gauls gave up at the Battle of Avaricum, because it started raining.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13They thought that a rain storm was a bad sign from the Gods
0:09:13 > 0:09:15and that the sky was going to fall on their heads.
0:09:15 > 0:09:17Superstitious lot, the Gauls.
0:09:17 > 0:09:21Julius Caesar wasn't the only Roman General who liked to win.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23They all did.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26To make sure legions wouldn't panic and run away from a battle,
0:09:26 > 0:09:31there was a particularly nasty punishment if they did.
0:09:31 > 0:09:35Legions, General Pompey.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40Legions of Rome!
0:09:40 > 0:09:43You have fled in the face of the enemy.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46The worst crime an Army can commit.
0:09:46 > 0:09:48You shall be punished!
0:09:48 > 0:09:56Write out, "I shall not run away from Spartacus," 100 times.
0:09:56 > 0:10:00- No, that's not going to be enough this time.- 1,000 times.
0:10:00 > 0:10:04- No.- One million times.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06Look, lines aren't enough.
0:10:06 > 0:10:10We need to do something that will ensure they never run away again.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12I suggest...
0:10:12 > 0:10:13Decimation.
0:10:15 > 0:10:19Stay behind after battle every day this week!
0:10:19 > 0:10:20That's detention.
0:10:20 > 0:10:25- What's decimation? - It's where every tenth soldier
0:10:25 > 0:10:28is beaten to death by his fellow Legionnaires.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30Wow, that sounds pretty strict.
0:10:30 > 0:10:34Every tenth man in line shall be killed!
0:10:34 > 0:10:36On my order I want...
0:10:39 > 0:10:41What's going on?
0:10:41 > 0:10:45- Nobody wants to be tenth in line General Pompey.- Right.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48We need to find a way of choosing fairly.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51I know. Listen up!
0:10:51 > 0:10:54We will draw lots.
0:10:54 > 0:10:57Each soldier will write his name on a piece of paper.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02The names, General Pompey.
0:11:02 > 0:11:07I shall now draw the name of the first person to be beaten to death.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13My Enormous Buttus.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16Where is my Enormous Buttus? GIGGLING
0:11:16 > 0:11:18It's behind you, General...
0:11:18 > 0:11:20I don't think that's a real name.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26Me Mamma Stinkus. GIGGLING
0:11:26 > 0:11:29Does no-one know Me Mamma Stinkus?
0:11:29 > 0:11:32Yes, we all know she does. That's another fake name
0:11:32 > 0:11:35and, to be honest General Pompey, I think they're all fake.
0:11:35 > 0:11:39Are you saying they haven't put a single real soldier's name in there?
0:11:39 > 0:11:42- Well, there is one real name... - Excellent, read that out.
0:11:42 > 0:11:45Er, I don't think they wrote their own names down.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48Stop stalling, General. This has gone long enough already.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50Soldiers!
0:11:50 > 0:11:55The next name you hear will be the first Roman to be beaten to death.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01General Pompey!
0:12:06 > 0:12:09General Pompey there really did kill off one in ten of his troops
0:12:09 > 0:12:11for fleeing from the enemy.
0:12:11 > 0:12:13It was brutal, but it worked.
0:12:13 > 0:12:17They didn't run away from their next battle. The Romans won.
0:12:22 > 0:12:26In Saxon times, we did some really crazy things
0:12:26 > 0:12:29to keep our hair looking beautiful.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32PHONE RINGS
0:12:32 > 0:12:36Historical Hair dressers? Hairs and Graces?
0:12:39 > 0:12:42Now, Egeth, you're from Saxon times, aren't you?
0:12:42 > 0:12:44- Yeah.- You've got lovely thick hair.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47- Thanks.- But you know I have to say,
0:12:47 > 0:12:49most of the Saxon women I'm getting in these days
0:12:49 > 0:12:52- are wearing it a bit thinner. - Oh, are they?
0:12:52 > 0:12:56Mm. I mean I think it'd suit yer - especially with your face shape.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59- Mm.- And it'd just make it a bit more manageable.- Is it easy to do?
0:12:59 > 0:13:04Oh, yeah, we've got the very thing. It's a traditional Saxon technique.
0:13:04 > 0:13:07- Shelley, get me the powdered swallow.- Swallow?
0:13:07 > 0:13:10Oh, it's not natural swallow, that'd be ridiculous.
0:13:10 > 0:13:14No, it's powdered Swallow. So what we've done is we've taken a Swallow
0:13:14 > 0:13:15and we've burnt it into ashes.
0:13:15 > 0:13:18OK?
0:13:21 > 0:13:25I'll just put that on there, manipulate it into the roots a bit,
0:13:25 > 0:13:26and there you go.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29So can you, can you see any difference?
0:13:29 > 0:13:35Well, I mean your hairs covered in ashes now but, apart from that, no.
0:13:37 > 0:13:40Do you know, what I'm gonna do is recommend a Saxon treatment
0:13:40 > 0:13:43that actually stops the hair from growing.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45Mm, is that possible?
0:13:45 > 0:13:50- 98% effective. Shelley, give me the ant's eggs.- Ant's eggs?
0:13:50 > 0:13:52Oh, yeah, they work a treat, trust me. Thank you.
0:13:52 > 0:13:56Right, a few of these, OK, we'll just spread some of these around.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59OK, work them through.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01Lovely.
0:14:03 > 0:14:05So, er, has it worked?
0:14:05 > 0:14:08- Well, can you feel your hair growing?- No.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11But I can feel it moving.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14That'll be the ants. Some of the eggs have hatched.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19SHE SCREAMS What is it? What is it?
0:14:19 > 0:14:21Shelley, comb!
0:14:21 > 0:14:23- What, what is it? - You've got head lice.- Oh!
0:14:23 > 0:14:27Now the only way to get rid of head lice, Egeth, is to use a specially
0:14:27 > 0:14:31designed Saxon comb like this one, and we'll just brush,
0:14:31 > 0:14:33brush, get all the lice out.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37There, perfect.
0:14:37 > 0:14:41So, do you really think it suits me?
0:14:41 > 0:14:43Oh, yeah. Do you want to look at the back?
0:14:43 > 0:14:46Shelley, mirror!
0:14:48 > 0:14:51- What do you think?- Yeah, yeah. - You wanted it thinner.
0:14:51 > 0:14:53Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55- Thanks, Suzanne!- Any time!
0:15:11 > 0:15:17Yes, Saxons made good use of all sorts of unlikely things, even poo.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19THEY ALL LAUGH
0:15:19 > 0:15:21Happy Christmas, everyone.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24- Happy Christmas.- Christopher?
0:15:24 > 0:15:25- Ooh!- Happy Christmas.
0:15:25 > 0:15:32Thank you. "To Christopher from Mildred and the guys. Thanks, guys."
0:15:32 > 0:15:35Hey! Ah, horse poo. Excellent!
0:15:35 > 0:15:38I can mix this up with some clay and mould some dinner plates.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40It'll be excellent, I need some new ones.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42Thank you so much. Thank you!
0:15:42 > 0:15:45Here's a little gift for you, Mildred.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47Oh, thank you, you shouldn't have!
0:15:47 > 0:15:49- Oh!- Oh.
0:15:49 > 0:15:54Oh, it's pig poo! Oh, that's excellent.
0:15:54 > 0:15:55Thank you so much, John.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58I've been meaning to replaster the walls.
0:15:58 > 0:15:59This is the best thing for it!
0:15:59 > 0:16:02- Ah.- Jed.
0:16:02 > 0:16:05Ah, thanks. Oh, look at that!
0:16:08 > 0:16:09Chicken poo!
0:16:09 > 0:16:14This is perfect for making leather clothes.
0:16:14 > 0:16:17I'll let it go stinky, then put all my cowskins in there
0:16:17 > 0:16:18and clean them before tanning.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23John? We're not going to leave you out.
0:16:23 > 0:16:26- What's this?- Yeah.- Oh, oh...
0:16:27 > 0:16:29Oh! Oh!
0:16:29 > 0:16:31It's perfume, it makes you smell nice.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34Oh, it stinks.
0:16:35 > 0:16:39It's all true, 100% accurate.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41Hah! Saxons used poo for everything.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44They even got paid in cow poo.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47Huh, I suppose it's better than a "pat" on the back! Ha-ha!
0:16:47 > 0:16:49"Pat" on the back! Ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:16:51 > 0:16:52What?
0:16:52 > 0:16:54Oh, I've got a poo on my head?
0:16:54 > 0:16:56Oh, not again!
0:17:03 > 0:17:08This isn't just Stilton - this is Georgian Stilton.
0:17:08 > 0:17:12With maggots so thick you'll need a spoon to scoop them up.
0:17:15 > 0:17:20This isn't just bread. This is Georgian bread,
0:17:20 > 0:17:24mixed with chalk and bone ashes, to make it look healthy and white.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28And this isn't just milk.
0:17:28 > 0:17:31This is Georgian milk.
0:17:31 > 0:17:36Diluted with dirty water thrown from windows and mixed with spittle,
0:17:36 > 0:17:41snot, tobacco, trash, lice and baby sick,
0:17:41 > 0:17:45dropped from the rags of the nasty women that sell it.
0:17:47 > 0:17:48This is not just food.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50This is Georgian food.
0:17:52 > 0:17:55What? Maggot-y cheese is lovely!
0:17:55 > 0:17:57You should try it sometime.
0:17:57 > 0:18:01Mind you, our bad diet did give us Georgians terrible teeth.
0:18:01 > 0:18:03Oh, oh!
0:18:03 > 0:18:07You really didn't want tooth problems in Georgian times.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09They hadn't invented painkillers,
0:18:09 > 0:18:13so they used to just strap you to chair to stop you running off.
0:18:13 > 0:18:17And you thought your dentist was mean? Hmph!
0:18:17 > 0:18:19This won't hurt much, will it?
0:18:19 > 0:18:23This really is your first visit to a Georgian dentist, isn't it?
0:18:23 > 0:18:24Yes.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26Don't worry, we've got you strapped in.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29We'll get that rotten tooth out in no time.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31Sorry, can I just ask before you take it out?
0:18:31 > 0:18:34What exactly are you going to replace it with?
0:18:34 > 0:18:37Oh, something very Georgian.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39I'll model you a new one from this clay.
0:18:39 > 0:18:43Ah, a pottery tooth. Won't that just break?
0:18:43 > 0:18:45Yes, that can sometimes be a problem.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48I could make one out of this walrus tusk.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50- Walrus tusk?- It is a tooth.
0:18:50 > 0:18:54Yeah, I suppose, but won't it stink of fish?
0:18:54 > 0:18:55We also make them from hippo.
0:18:55 > 0:18:59Yeah, I had my mind on something a little more human.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01Not a problem. Got just the thing.
0:19:02 > 0:19:05- Ah?- Ah, that's more like it.
0:19:05 > 0:19:06An actual human tooth.
0:19:06 > 0:19:10Indeed. Pulled from the mouths of dead soldiers at Waterloo.
0:19:10 > 0:19:14Oh, oh, stop. I don't want a tooth from somebody that's dead.
0:19:14 > 0:19:19Mm, well I do have something I save for my best customers.
0:19:25 > 0:19:29And you're in luck. He's just got one tooth left.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33Ah!
0:19:33 > 0:19:37Do you know what? I'm cured. It's a marvel.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39My tooth doesn't hurt any more at all. Thank you.
0:19:44 > 0:19:47Funny, a lot of my clients do that. Hmph!
0:19:52 > 0:19:54How the first World War all started
0:19:54 > 0:20:00was really complicated, and I mean complicated.
0:20:00 > 0:20:04Read all about it. Britain on brink of war to end all wars.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08- We face a most difficult decision.- Oh dear,
0:20:08 > 0:20:12- Sir.- Yes, now, tea or coffee? - You're right, that is difficult.
0:20:12 > 0:20:15- That's not the decision, you fool! - Isn't it, sir?
0:20:15 > 0:20:17We face a more difficult decision than that.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20Gentlemen, we are facing a great war.
0:20:20 > 0:20:24- War?- Yes, war.- Why?
0:20:24 > 0:20:25Why war?
0:20:25 > 0:20:28Because an Austrian has been killed by a Serb in Bosnia,
0:20:28 > 0:20:29and that means war.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31Ah! I see.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33- Sir?- Yes, Maltravers?
0:20:33 > 0:20:38Why does an Austrian being killed by a Serb in Bosnia mean war, sir?
0:20:38 > 0:20:39Huh, because of Russia!
0:20:41 > 0:20:43Ah! Why?
0:20:43 > 0:20:48Because Russia supports Serbia and Austria supports Bosnia, and so on.
0:20:48 > 0:20:49I support Arsenal!
0:20:49 > 0:20:51Shut up, Blenkinsop!
0:20:51 > 0:20:55So an Austrian has been killed by a Serbian in Bosnia, which means
0:20:55 > 0:20:59Austria might invade Serbia and then Russia will invade Austria?
0:20:59 > 0:21:01- Correct! Any questions?- Yes, sir.
0:21:01 > 0:21:03What is it, Maltravers?
0:21:03 > 0:21:05How does this involve Britain, sir?
0:21:05 > 0:21:08Well, Maltravers. Who would you say is your best friend?
0:21:08 > 0:21:11Oh, Blenkinsop, sir. He's a spiffing fellow!
0:21:11 > 0:21:13Mm. And if I were to punch Blenkinsop in the nose,
0:21:13 > 0:21:15what do you think you would do?
0:21:15 > 0:21:16Well...
0:21:16 > 0:21:19Nobody punches Blenkinsop and gets away with it!
0:21:19 > 0:21:20Thanks, old bean!
0:21:20 > 0:21:25Exactly, exactly. So, if Russia threatens Austria,
0:21:25 > 0:21:27Austria's best friend will offer support.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30And who is Austria's best friend?
0:21:30 > 0:21:32- Not Blenkinsop?- No, Germany!
0:21:32 > 0:21:36Germany is Austria's best friend, Maltravers.
0:21:36 > 0:21:41Austria and Germany, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!
0:21:41 > 0:21:43Yes!
0:21:43 > 0:21:47So, if Russia were to attack Austria, Germany would attack Russia.
0:21:47 > 0:21:51But that will leave Germany undefended on the other side.
0:21:51 > 0:21:55So if Germany were to attack Russia, she would also have to attack France.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57- France?- Yes, France!
0:21:57 > 0:22:03And if Germany were to attack France, it would leave Belgium threatened,
0:22:03 > 0:22:05and Belgium is our friend.
0:22:05 > 0:22:08So we would hop in there to defend them.
0:22:08 > 0:22:12So we've all got to go and fight in a war because of that, sir?
0:22:12 > 0:22:16- Yes, Maltravers. - Well, I might get killed sir!
0:22:16 > 0:22:20Yes, you might, Maltravers, but it would all be for a good cause.
0:22:20 > 0:22:23So where is Bosnia again?
0:22:23 > 0:22:25Oh!
0:22:25 > 0:22:31It was war. And the race to develop the ultimate fighter plane was on.
0:22:32 > 0:22:35Here's one of our jolly old World War One fighter pilots.
0:22:35 > 0:22:39He's equipped with the very latest fighting equipment.
0:22:39 > 0:22:40A good old brick.
0:22:40 > 0:22:43That's right, just drop it on the German's head.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47Unlucky, just missed him!
0:22:47 > 0:22:49- But you did hit a dog.- Ah.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52Don't worry, it was a German Shepherd!
0:22:52 > 0:22:54Ay-hey!
0:22:56 > 0:22:59What's this? The boys at HQ have mounted a machine gun on the plane.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02That's a capital idea.
0:23:02 > 0:23:04Let's see what Gerry makes of this.
0:23:04 > 0:23:06Mind the propeller!
0:23:06 > 0:23:08Oh, dear.
0:23:15 > 0:23:19Golly! Looks like those brainy boys at HQ have cracked it this time.
0:23:19 > 0:23:23The gun is fitted with a timing device so the bullets fire through
0:23:23 > 0:23:25the gaps in the turning propeller.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27Hold on, what's this?
0:23:27 > 0:23:31Gerry has captured one of our planes and copied the new design.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38Ah, well. Toodle-pip, old boy!
0:23:38 > 0:23:40HE SCREAMS
0:24:03 > 0:24:06If they hit a man, they could split him in half
0:24:06 > 0:24:07from head to foot.
0:24:14 > 0:24:20In the Middle Ages us peasants got so fed up with how unfair life was,
0:24:20 > 0:24:27that we had a peasants' revolt, led by a man called Wat Tyler.
0:24:27 > 0:24:31Funny name that, Wat Tyler. Must have been really confusing.
0:24:31 > 0:24:34But the thing is, the barons own all the land and us peasants
0:24:34 > 0:24:35have to work it for them.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37They lived la-di-da lives,
0:24:37 > 0:24:39while we spend our days up to our necks in muck.
0:24:39 > 0:24:42- It doesn't seem fair, does it? - No! What can we do about it?
0:24:42 > 0:24:45We're going to start a peasants' revolt.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47- BOTH:- Yes!
0:24:47 > 0:24:50There's a man organising this uprising, name of Wat Tyler.
0:24:50 > 0:24:51- What was his name?- That's right.
0:24:51 > 0:24:55- No, what is the name of our leader? - Got it in one.
0:24:55 > 0:24:58No, he means if we was to go up to our leader and say, "Hello,
0:24:58 > 0:25:01"Mr Leader Man, what should we call you?" What would he say?
0:25:01 > 0:25:05- He'd say Wat.- That's what I want you to tell us. What's his name?
0:25:05 > 0:25:07- Yes, it is.- No. Argh!
0:25:07 > 0:25:10Hold on, I think I've got it. What is the last name of our leader?
0:25:10 > 0:25:15- No, no it's not.- Right, and what is Mr No, no it's not's first name?
0:25:15 > 0:25:19Our leader's last name is Tyler.
0:25:19 > 0:25:21Thank you. At last.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24And Mr Tyler's first name is Wat.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26That's what I asked! I've had enough!
0:25:26 > 0:25:30Just listen. His first name's Wat, his last name's Tyler,
0:25:30 > 0:25:33that's why we call him Wat Tyler. Get it?
0:25:33 > 0:25:34Oh, I see!
0:25:36 > 0:25:39Well, Wat's a silly name, isn't it, Who?
0:25:39 > 0:25:41You're not wrong, When.
0:25:41 > 0:25:43Let's go and tell Why and Wherefore.
0:25:43 > 0:25:46- Oh, whatever. - Yeah >
0:25:46 > 0:25:48So, the peasants marched to London
0:25:48 > 0:25:54and it was all going really, really, well until Wat Tyler had a meeting
0:25:54 > 0:25:57with the King and his guards,
0:25:57 > 0:26:00and ended up with his head on a spike.
0:26:00 > 0:26:01Ha-ha, ha-ha, ha-ha!
0:26:01 > 0:26:04When we peasants revolted,
0:26:04 > 0:26:07knights weren't really allowed to fight us.
0:26:07 > 0:26:09It was against their code of chivalry,
0:26:09 > 0:26:12a strict set of rules for knights.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19Knights, ready? Ah!
0:26:19 > 0:26:21Peasants, ready?
0:26:21 > 0:26:22THEY GROWL
0:26:22 > 0:26:24Charge!
0:26:24 > 0:26:26Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute.
0:26:26 > 0:26:29- Ain't you all knights? - Well, of course we are.
0:26:29 > 0:26:33The King has despatched us to crush your smelly peasants' revolt.
0:26:33 > 0:26:36But you can't just go around killing peasants.
0:26:36 > 0:26:39That's against the, er, knights' code of chivalry.
0:26:39 > 0:26:41Oh! Is it?
0:26:41 > 0:26:44Er, oh, the peasant speaks the truth.
0:26:44 > 0:26:49Noble knights may not go around fighting dirty peasants.
0:26:49 > 0:26:52- It is beneath us.- Oh, drat! Well, what about this one?
0:26:52 > 0:26:55- I mean, he doesn't look like a peasant.- No, you're right.
0:26:55 > 0:26:59- Let's kill him then! - He's a priest!- Ah, er, yes.
0:26:59 > 0:27:01We definitely cannot kill priests.
0:27:01 > 0:27:04- The code of chivalry is very clear on that point.- Fine.
0:27:04 > 0:27:07Well, can I just kill this one?
0:27:07 > 0:27:09I think that's a woman.
0:27:09 > 0:27:12- Really? - We are sworn to defend all women.
0:27:12 > 0:27:15What, even ugly ones that don't wash?
0:27:15 > 0:27:17Even the ugly ones that don't wash.
0:27:17 > 0:27:20Right, so knights simply cannot fight peasants?
0:27:20 > 0:27:25- That's about the size of it, yes. - Right. What if I were a peasant?
0:27:25 > 0:27:30A-ha! Well, then you would be able to fight the ones who were peasants.
0:27:30 > 0:27:34- Yeah! - I like your thinking, Sir Percival.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36From now on I'm known as Percy.
0:27:36 > 0:27:39- Percy the peasant!- That's brilliant.
0:27:39 > 0:27:41I mean... THICK ACCENT: Brilliant!
0:27:41 > 0:27:43Does the knights' code of chivalry let you do that?
0:27:43 > 0:27:46Who cares?
0:27:46 > 0:27:47Peasants, ready?
0:27:47 > 0:27:49THEY ALL GROWL Charge!
0:27:49 > 0:27:52THEY SCREAM
0:27:54 > 0:27:55# Tall tales, atrocious acts
0:27:55 > 0:27:57# We gave you all the fearsome facts
0:27:57 > 0:27:58# The ugly truth, no glam or glitz
0:27:58 > 0:27:59# We showed you all the juicy bits!
0:27:59 > 0:28:02# Gory, ghastly mean and cruel
0:28:02 > 0:28:05# Stuff they don't teach you at school
0:28:05 > 0:28:07# The past is no longer a mystery... #