0:00:02 > 0:00:03# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians
0:00:03 > 0:00:05# Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians
0:00:05 > 0:00:08# Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights
0:00:08 > 0:00:10# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians
0:00:10 > 0:00:13# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times
0:00:13 > 0:00:14# Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless
0:00:14 > 0:00:16# Cavemen, savage fierce and toothless
0:00:16 > 0:00:18# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages
0:00:18 > 0:00:23# Gory stories, we do that And your host, a talking rat
0:00:23 > 0:00:27# The past is no longer a mystery Welcome to...
0:00:27 > 0:00:32# Horrible Histories. #
0:00:36 > 0:00:40You might think going to a Roman Emperor's dinner party would be fun.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42Well, think again.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46Four Romans. Four banquets.
0:00:46 > 0:00:48400 courses!
0:00:48 > 0:00:51Yes, it's Roman Come Dine With Me
0:00:51 > 0:00:54and tonight it's teenage emperor Elagabalus's turn
0:00:54 > 0:00:56to cook for his guests.
0:00:56 > 0:01:00But the young emperor's reputation has some of his guests nervous
0:01:00 > 0:01:01before they even arrive.
0:01:01 > 0:01:03I'm a bit scared to be honest.
0:01:03 > 0:01:06Apparently Elagabalus is a bit crazy.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09A friend of mine was invited to one of his feasts
0:01:09 > 0:01:10and he made them eat live parrots.
0:01:10 > 0:01:13Imagine trying to swallow all those feathers!
0:01:13 > 0:01:15It'd make you sick as a parrot.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18So how is the potty prankster
0:01:18 > 0:01:20planning to impress his guests tonight?
0:01:20 > 0:01:23Well, tonight I thought I'd just do something really easy.
0:01:23 > 0:01:26It's easy because I'm not making it, my slaves are.
0:01:26 > 0:01:27HE LAUGHS
0:01:27 > 0:01:28What are you cooking?
0:01:28 > 0:01:32Well, I'm going to do camels feet with scooped out flamingo brain
0:01:32 > 0:01:35and, er, some nice stuffed snails.
0:01:35 > 0:01:36- Oh.- Then we've got
0:01:36 > 0:01:38the sows udders,
0:01:38 > 0:01:40the jellyfish, I'm going to do
0:01:40 > 0:01:42dormouse which is rolled in...
0:01:43 > 0:01:47..Jackdaws, horsemeat sausages,
0:01:47 > 0:01:49and rotten fish guts,
0:01:49 > 0:01:52and cold peas! With little nuggets of gold.
0:01:52 > 0:01:55That sounds like a really nice starter, what's the main?
0:01:59 > 0:02:03Agrippina is the first to arrive and there's a shock in store.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05SHE SCREAMS
0:02:05 > 0:02:07- HE LAUGHS - Don't tread in those.
0:02:07 > 0:02:11- Those are the guts of some people I had sacrificed earlier.- Urgh!
0:02:11 > 0:02:13They're to tell the future.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15And the guts say...
0:02:15 > 0:02:19my pudding is going to be so scrummy you won't literally believe it.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23Elagabalus goes to check on the food,
0:02:23 > 0:02:26while the rest of his guests have a snoop round the palace.
0:02:26 > 0:02:27I wonder what's in here.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30No, no, no, please don't go in there.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32Come on, it can't be that bad.
0:02:33 > 0:02:37- ARGH!- Lion! - There's a lion in here!- Argh!
0:02:37 > 0:02:39HE CHUCKLES
0:02:39 > 0:02:42I hid a lion in there. Ha-ha!
0:02:42 > 0:02:43Random.
0:02:45 > 0:02:49The guests who survived the lion join their host for dinner.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51Tuck in.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55CRUNCHING OF TEETH Argh!
0:02:55 > 0:02:57That's rock hard.
0:02:57 > 0:02:58That's because it is rock.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00I gave you both bits of wax and stone
0:03:00 > 0:03:02that are made to look like food
0:03:02 > 0:03:05while I get the real food which is actually really nice.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07Mmm.
0:03:07 > 0:03:08How mad am I?
0:03:08 > 0:03:10How mad am I?
0:03:10 > 0:03:11Eat it.
0:03:12 > 0:03:13CRUNCHING TEETH
0:03:13 > 0:03:15HE CHUCKLES
0:03:17 > 0:03:19Time for some scores.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22Well, I slipped on human guts,
0:03:22 > 0:03:26I was attacked by a lion and I was forced to eat rocks.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29So I'm going to give him a two out of...
0:03:29 > 0:03:32If you give me a bad score I'll have you executed, so...
0:03:33 > 0:03:36..So I'm going to give him X out of X.
0:03:36 > 0:03:37Sweet!
0:03:37 > 0:03:40- And I got you a doggy bag because I'm so generous.- Thank you.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42It's an actual dead dog!
0:03:42 > 0:03:43HE LAUGHS
0:03:43 > 0:03:44I'm so random.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46Stay in touch, yeah?
0:03:50 > 0:03:52That's 100% accu-rat.
0:03:52 > 0:03:56Elagabalus really was one extreme prankster.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58I mean, hiding lions around the house,
0:03:58 > 0:04:01what's wrong with good old itching powder and whoopee cushions?
0:04:01 > 0:04:04SOMEONE BLOWS A RASPBERRY That wasn't me!
0:04:04 > 0:04:05That was Marcus my pet flea.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08He's like an all in one itching powder and whoopee cushion.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11MARCUS BLOWS A RASPBERRY Oh, Marcus! I do apologise.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22Walsingham? What happened to you?
0:04:22 > 0:04:24The Queen threw a slipper at me...again!
0:04:24 > 0:04:26What did you do this time?
0:04:26 > 0:04:27I told her she had a short temper.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30You idiot! You know that makes her angry.
0:04:30 > 0:04:32I know. Have you finished her portrait yet?
0:04:32 > 0:04:35Mmm...it's getting there, but I'm petrified.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37What if she doesn't like it?
0:04:37 > 0:04:39Better hope she's in a good mood.
0:04:39 > 0:04:40- Is she ever?- No.
0:04:40 > 0:04:41Where's my portrait!
0:04:43 > 0:04:45Urgh!
0:04:45 > 0:04:46Oh, I can't look!
0:04:46 > 0:04:48It's grotesque.
0:04:48 > 0:04:53The hideous nose, rotten teeth and pock-marked skin.
0:04:53 > 0:04:54Walsingham.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56Have that man relieved of the burden of his head.
0:04:56 > 0:05:00- Ma'am, you're looking into a mirror. - Oh.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02This is the portrait.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04Ah!
0:05:04 > 0:05:06Petite nose,
0:05:06 > 0:05:07perfect teeth,
0:05:07 > 0:05:09porcelain skin...
0:05:09 > 0:05:12Why, however did you manage to capture my good looks?
0:05:12 > 0:05:13Well, my lady,
0:05:13 > 0:05:16I just did an exact copy of the only portrait you've ever liked.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18As per your orders.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20Splendid. Do me another.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23And see if you can capture my regal beauty again.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28I think it looks nothing like her.
0:05:29 > 0:05:30I heard that! >
0:05:30 > 0:05:35As well as art, Queen Elizabeth loved plays by Shakespeare,
0:05:35 > 0:05:37especially one called Titus Andronicus...
0:05:54 > 0:05:57The pie was made out of her two sons!
0:05:57 > 0:06:00Yes, Shakespeare wrote some truly unforgettable things.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08May we have our next contestant please?
0:06:11 > 0:06:12Hello.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14Your name please?
0:06:14 > 0:06:15William Shakespeare.
0:06:15 > 0:06:16Your occupation?
0:06:16 > 0:06:19One that doth make words to dance upon the page
0:06:19 > 0:06:22and thence into the ear of the throng.
0:06:22 > 0:06:23I'm sorry, I don't quite...
0:06:23 > 0:06:25I write plays.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27Right, well why didn't you just say so?
0:06:27 > 0:06:29And your chosen specialised subject.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31Phrases what I made up.
0:06:31 > 0:06:35William Shakespeare, you have two minutes on phrases what you made up
0:06:35 > 0:06:36starting from...now.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38To be or not to be, that is the question.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40- I know it is.- I'm sorry?
0:06:40 > 0:06:42I know that's the question, you just asked me it.
0:06:42 > 0:06:45No, the questions is did you make it up?
0:06:45 > 0:06:47You just said the question was to be or not to be.
0:06:47 > 0:06:50To be or not to be, that is the question,
0:06:50 > 0:06:51IS the question.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53Oh, yes I see, yes I did make that up.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55Correct. Good riddance.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57I've only just arrived.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59No, did you invent the phrase, good riddance?
0:06:59 > 0:07:02- Yes, I did.- Correct
0:07:02 > 0:07:05- Heart of gold.- Oh, thank you, that's very flattering.
0:07:05 > 0:07:06No...
0:07:06 > 0:07:09Were you the first person to use the phrase, heart of gold?
0:07:09 > 0:07:11- Yes, I was.- Correct.
0:07:11 > 0:07:12Dead as a door-nail.
0:07:12 > 0:07:16Oh yes, that is one of mine. Henry VI, part 2, the sequel!
0:07:16 > 0:07:18Correct. Wild goose chase.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20Yes, that's mine. Are they still using that?
0:07:20 > 0:07:22They are indeed. Correct.
0:07:22 > 0:07:23Knock, knock, who's there?
0:07:23 > 0:07:27No, that's wrong - you say "Knock, knock," then I say, "Who's there?"
0:07:27 > 0:07:29No, did you invent it?
0:07:29 > 0:07:31- What?- Knock, knock.- Who's there?- NO!
0:07:31 > 0:07:33NO...who?
0:07:34 > 0:07:37Did you come up with the phrase, knock, knock, who's there?
0:07:37 > 0:07:40- Yes, I did.- Correct.
0:07:40 > 0:07:41For goodness sake.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43- That's one of mine too.- Correct.
0:07:43 > 0:07:44All the world's a...
0:07:44 > 0:07:46END OF ROUND JINGLE
0:07:46 > 0:07:48I've started so I'll finish...
0:07:48 > 0:07:50- No, that's one of yours.- Correct.
0:07:50 > 0:07:51William Shakespeare,
0:07:51 > 0:07:54at the end of that round you have scored eight points.
0:07:54 > 0:07:58Sorry, is this what you do for entertainment nowadays?
0:07:58 > 0:07:59Yes it is, yes.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02- Think I preferred the theatre.- Hmm...
0:08:02 > 0:08:04"Think I preferred the theatre."
0:08:04 > 0:08:06- Get out of the chair now.- OK.
0:08:13 > 0:08:18'And now on HHTV an advertising intermission from ancient Peru.'
0:08:20 > 0:08:22SHOUTING: Hi, I'm a shouty man
0:08:22 > 0:08:25and I'm here to tell you about new Incan Hole.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27The incredible childcare revolution.
0:08:27 > 0:08:32New Incan Hole is the simple way to keep your troublesome tots in check.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34Just chuck in your child
0:08:34 > 0:08:38and let those steep sides do all the hard work.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40Yes, compared with level ground,
0:08:40 > 0:08:44the unique raised edges of new Incan Hole are up to a big percent better
0:08:44 > 0:08:46at keeping little ones out of trouble
0:08:46 > 0:08:49What's more, it's quick and easy to install.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51And it's cheaper than a babysitter.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53And with the bargain price of nothing at all,
0:08:53 > 0:08:56why stop at just one Incan Hole?
0:08:56 > 0:08:58With the unique dig-anywhere design,
0:08:58 > 0:09:01you can take your hole wherever you go.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04And if you're not completely satisfied with new Incan Hole,
0:09:04 > 0:09:07why not dig another one?
0:09:07 > 0:09:09Try new Incan Hole today.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12Dig a hole and the child is safe.
0:09:12 > 0:09:16Warning, Incan Hole may become Incan paddling pool during rainy season.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20If you think keeping your kids in a hole is weird,
0:09:20 > 0:09:23check out what we use to wash our hair.
0:09:24 > 0:09:27Do you suffer from a dry flaky scalp?
0:09:27 > 0:09:28Is your hair greasy?
0:09:28 > 0:09:32Does your head smell like a dead rotting llama?
0:09:32 > 0:09:35Then you need new Incan Shampee.
0:09:35 > 0:09:39Yes, Shampee is a revolutionary new anti-dandruff hair wash.
0:09:39 > 0:09:43Simply pee in a bucket and leave it to ferment for a week.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46Then just wash your hair in the piddle pot.
0:09:46 > 0:09:50The all-natural formula gets to work straight away.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52Here's the sciencey bit.
0:09:52 > 0:09:53Your pee contains urea,
0:09:53 > 0:09:55a chemical that kills bacteria,
0:09:55 > 0:09:57fights dandruff and cleans away grease
0:09:57 > 0:10:01leaving you with shinier, healthier looking hair.
0:10:01 > 0:10:05Incan Shampee - it's what all the Incan ladies are using.
0:10:05 > 0:10:06I love it.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08Available in all full bladders.
0:10:08 > 0:10:09Bucket not included.
0:10:15 > 0:10:18So, welcome to Badminton House.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20I thought we'd take tea here in the gallery.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22Home to our fine collection of...
0:10:25 > 0:10:28Home to our fine collection of art.
0:10:29 > 0:10:30CRASH!
0:10:31 > 0:10:33Home to what WAS our fine collection of art
0:10:33 > 0:10:37and also sadly home to my husband, the Duke of Beaufort,
0:10:37 > 0:10:40- a keen tennis player.- Hello.
0:10:42 > 0:10:46Darling, can you please not play tennis in the gallery.
0:10:46 > 0:10:47Of course, dear.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50What would you like me to play? Football?
0:10:50 > 0:10:52CRASH!
0:10:52 > 0:10:54- Darling!- All right, rugby?
0:10:55 > 0:10:56WINDOW SMASHES
0:10:56 > 0:10:58- Darling!- Touch of boxing?- No!
0:10:58 > 0:11:03There must be a sport you can play indoors without smashing things up.
0:11:03 > 0:11:07- Well, there's always poona.- Poona? Sounds even messier.
0:11:07 > 0:11:11Oh, no, I've just come back from India and poona is a game they play.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14Like tennis, but with a shuttlecock
0:11:14 > 0:11:17and it's perfectly safe to play indoors, go on try.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20Ah, poona it is then.
0:11:20 > 0:11:21Anyone for poona?
0:11:21 > 0:11:23Oh darling, do stop saying poona.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26Can't we think of a less smelly name?
0:11:26 > 0:11:30Yes, what can we call this game we play here in Badminton House?
0:11:30 > 0:11:35I know, something that would link it ever more to Badminton House.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37Badminton House?
0:11:37 > 0:11:38I've got it.
0:11:38 > 0:11:39We can call it house.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41Or badminton.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43Ha, ha what a ridiculous suggestion!
0:11:43 > 0:11:47Who's ever heard of a game called badminton?
0:11:47 > 0:11:48Honestly.
0:11:48 > 0:11:49A-choo!
0:11:49 > 0:11:50SMASH!
0:11:50 > 0:11:52Oh, darling.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54Excuse me.
0:11:55 > 0:12:00Great eccentrics of the Victorian era, the second Baron Rothschild.
0:12:00 > 0:12:04Yes, apparently the 8th Earl of Bridgwater used to have
0:12:04 > 0:12:06dinner parties with his pet dogs.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09The man was out of his mind, Mr Gibbons.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11Oo-oo-oo-ah-ah-ah!
0:12:11 > 0:12:15I'll take that as a yes. One shouldn't really judge,
0:12:15 > 0:12:18I have some strange dinner guests myself.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21Of course the vicar hasn't arrived yet.
0:12:21 > 0:12:22- TOGETHER:- Oo-oo-ah-ah!
0:12:22 > 0:12:24Don't worry he won't stay long.
0:12:24 > 0:12:28He doesn't like the snakes wrapped round the banisters.
0:12:28 > 0:12:29Tsssss!
0:12:29 > 0:12:32All right, let's start I'm starving.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34Oo-oo-oo-oo! >
0:12:34 > 0:12:35Yes, the soup is hot.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38Mr Chimpington could you pass me a roll?
0:12:39 > 0:12:42Mr Chimpington, that is not how we pass... Oh!
0:12:42 > 0:12:47And I very much hope that was one of cook's brownies.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49Really now, we're not animals.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51- TOGETHER:- Oo-ah! Ah! Ah!
0:12:51 > 0:12:52That's all true.
0:12:52 > 0:12:56The second Baron Rothschild had dinner parties with monkeys
0:12:56 > 0:12:59and snakes and wrapped around his banisters.
0:12:59 > 0:13:02He also had a carriage drawn by - wait for it - zebras.
0:13:02 > 0:13:07He did, look it up in a history book, it's all there in black and white.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09And black-and-white, and black-and-white...
0:13:09 > 0:13:10Ha, ha, ha!
0:13:10 > 0:13:14Some Victorians really were very eccentric.
0:13:16 > 0:13:17# Stupid deaths
0:13:17 > 0:13:18# Stupid deaths
0:13:18 > 0:13:21# They're funny cos they're true Woo!
0:13:21 > 0:13:23# Stupid deaths Stupid deaths
0:13:23 > 0:13:26# Hope next time it's not you. #
0:13:26 > 0:13:28Don't like them? Why not?
0:13:28 > 0:13:29Next.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31And you are?
0:13:31 > 0:13:34Bobby Leach, famous Victorian daredevil and stuntman.
0:13:34 > 0:13:38Oh, I love it when stuntmen come through.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40They always have the most stupid deaths.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42Go on, spill the beans.
0:13:42 > 0:13:45I was fearless, there was nothing I wouldn't do.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48So I decided to go over Niagara Falls in a barrel.
0:13:48 > 0:13:52And you died! You idiot! Ha ha ha!
0:13:52 > 0:13:53No, no, I survived.
0:13:53 > 0:13:56I had a few injuries but I made a full recovery.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58Uh. That's a shame.
0:13:58 > 0:14:01So then swam the rapids at the Niagara whirlpool.
0:14:01 > 0:14:06And then you died! I bet you did. You did, didn't you? I bet you did.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08No, no, I had to get rescued.
0:14:08 > 0:14:09So I tried it again.
0:14:09 > 0:14:12- And then you drowned! - No, I was rescued again.
0:14:12 > 0:14:16- And I got rescued a third time. - Business it's ridiculous.
0:14:16 > 0:14:21So I toured the world displaying my barrel to the paying crowd.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24I ended up in New Zealand. And that's where I died.
0:14:24 > 0:14:28By swimming over a waterfall blindfolded?
0:14:28 > 0:14:32No, I slipped on an orange peel, broke my leg and died of gangrene.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35Ha, ha! By slipping on an orange peel!
0:14:35 > 0:14:38You lemon! Ha ha, ha ha!
0:14:38 > 0:14:44Oh, yes, that's three yeses. You're through to the afterlife.
0:14:44 > 0:14:45Thank you very much.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47Toodle pip!
0:14:48 > 0:14:50Hey, mind how you go.
0:14:51 > 0:14:53Ha! Sorry!
0:14:53 > 0:14:56Ha ha ha. I'm on form, aren't I?
0:14:56 > 0:14:59# Stupid deaths Stupid deaths
0:14:59 > 0:15:02# Hope next time it's not you, Oo-hoo. #
0:15:07 > 0:15:12Everyone knows Guy Fawkes tried to blow up Parliament on November 5th.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15Did you know that he was one member of a bigger gang?
0:15:15 > 0:15:18In fact there were 13 of them all together.
0:15:18 > 0:15:19Come on, folks.
0:15:20 > 0:15:23You couldn't have done this alone.
0:15:23 > 0:15:25Who was in your gang?
0:15:25 > 0:15:27I'll never tell you.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30Oh, we'll see about that. Hee-hee-ha-ha!
0:15:30 > 0:15:32Ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:15:32 > 0:15:33- What?- What?
0:15:33 > 0:15:35No, you don't laugh, I laugh.
0:15:36 > 0:15:40It was the plot that seemed unthinkable.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42Fawkes is the explosives expert.
0:15:42 > 0:15:46We're going to blow up the royal family at the Opening of Parliament?
0:15:46 > 0:15:47That's right.
0:15:47 > 0:15:49Just for fun?
0:15:49 > 0:15:51John Wright is the persuader.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54Because we're Catholics and the King's hates Catholics.
0:15:54 > 0:15:58- He thinks we're always plotting something.- As if!
0:15:58 > 0:15:59BOTH: Ha-ha, ha-ha!
0:15:59 > 0:16:02It was the plot that sounded impossible.
0:16:02 > 0:16:05Robert Gatesby is the brains.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08So we roll 36 barrels of gunpowder down the Thames,
0:16:08 > 0:16:12sneak it into this cellar, wait for Parliament to open -
0:16:12 > 0:16:16I creep back in, light the fuse, run away and blow up the King?
0:16:16 > 0:16:18- Without getting caught?- Yes.
0:16:18 > 0:16:22OK. Just checking I had that down right.
0:16:22 > 0:16:25It was the plot that would surely go wrong.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28So I persuaded 12 guys, that ought to do it, don't you think?
0:16:28 > 0:16:31- Do you think we need one more? - It couldn't hurt.
0:16:31 > 0:16:33I'll get one more. Um...
0:16:33 > 0:16:38- Excuse me? Would you like to be in a plot to blow up Parliament?- Why not.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40I'll just check my diary. When?
0:16:40 > 0:16:41November 5th.
0:16:42 > 0:16:45- Yeah, I'm free. - Fabulous, that's 13 then.
0:16:45 > 0:16:47Isn't 13 an unlucky number?
0:16:47 > 0:16:50Don't worry I'm sure it'll be fine.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52Francis Tresham is the idiot.
0:16:52 > 0:16:56Hang on, my brother-in-law's due in Parliament on November 5th.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59I'll send him a letter telling him to take the day off.
0:16:59 > 0:17:01I'm sure he won't tell anyone.
0:17:01 > 0:17:02It was the plot.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05Three, two, one...
0:17:05 > 0:17:07That went wrong.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09- Oh. - Horribly, horribly wrong.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12Fawkes' 13.
0:17:12 > 0:17:16What letter? What idiot sent a letter?
0:17:18 > 0:17:22Failing to explode on 5th November, 1605.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25You're going to be hung drawn and quartered.
0:17:25 > 0:17:26- Gutted.- You will be.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48The answer is C.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51The bodies were preserved in tar and sent to the West of England
0:17:51 > 0:17:54as a warning to other would-be rebels.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56Stuart punishments could be really gruesome.
0:17:57 > 0:17:59Will?
0:17:59 > 0:18:00Will Prinn.
0:18:00 > 0:18:01What happened to you?
0:18:01 > 0:18:06Sorry? King Charles I had my ears cut off for insulting the theatre.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08- Pardon?- What?
0:18:08 > 0:18:10I can't hear you, I had my ears cut off
0:18:10 > 0:18:14for writing a book that upset the government.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16- I'm sorry, what?- I'm sorry?
0:18:16 > 0:18:21I said the king had my ears cut off
0:18:21 > 0:18:26and when I was rude about some bishops he had my cheek branded.
0:18:26 > 0:18:30- Ah, that looks nasty how did you get that?- Pardon.- Sorry?- What?
0:18:30 > 0:18:33Listen, I can't hear you.
0:18:33 > 0:18:37I had my ears nailed to a piece of wood, then cut off and left there.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39- Pardon?- Pardon?
0:18:39 > 0:18:40Come again?
0:18:40 > 0:18:43For writing a book the government didn't like.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46I'll show you, you can still see one over there.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48Look, there's an ear nailed to a post.
0:18:48 > 0:18:52- I wonder how it got there. - I'm sorry?- An ear.- What?
0:18:52 > 0:18:54Hold on, I've got an idea.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56Can you hear me now?
0:18:56 > 0:19:00It's no good talking to him he's as deaf as a post.
0:19:00 > 0:19:01Sorry?
0:19:01 > 0:19:03I made a joke.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05Pardon?
0:19:05 > 0:19:07I'm sorry.
0:19:07 > 0:19:08What?
0:19:08 > 0:19:09Come again?
0:19:12 > 0:19:13Strange man.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15Weirdo.
0:19:20 > 0:19:24While the regular Army was away in Europe fighting Hitler
0:19:24 > 0:19:28Britain had a Home Guard made up of all the men who had to stay at home
0:19:28 > 0:19:31but still wanted to do their bit.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34Although the whole thing was a bit makeshift.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36So, General.
0:19:36 > 0:19:41If we are to defend Britain against a German invasion, then every man
0:19:41 > 0:19:43in the Home Guard must be armed.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46But the regular Army need all our guns.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48All the same, every man in the Home Guard
0:19:48 > 0:19:51must be armed was some kind of weapon.
0:19:51 > 0:19:55Even if it be an ancient one, like a pike.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57Yes, sir. Very good, sir.
0:20:01 > 0:20:02There we are, sir.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04I've had 250,000 pikes made.
0:20:04 > 0:20:06You've done what?
0:20:06 > 0:20:08General, I said like a pike,
0:20:08 > 0:20:13- I didn't literally mean a pike, pike was just an example.- Oh.
0:20:13 > 0:20:17Honestly, if I told you to go and jump off a cliff, would you?
0:20:17 > 0:20:20He's gone to jump off a cliff.
0:20:23 > 0:20:27Your chance to protect Britain by joining the Home Guard.
0:20:29 > 0:20:33Choose from men who can't join the regular armed forces.
0:20:33 > 0:20:3470-year-old man.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37Baker needed at home to bake bread.
0:20:37 > 0:20:39Man who's lost some toes.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42Baker selected.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46All the proper weapons have been taken by the regulars.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48So you choose from what's left.
0:20:48 > 0:20:53Cutlass, golf club, blunderbuss, a kitchen knife taped to a pole.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55Blunderbuss selected.
0:20:58 > 0:21:01Watch out for enemy troops trying to invade.
0:21:01 > 0:21:07Ow! Oi, you nincompoop! I'm not the enemy, I'm British.
0:21:07 > 0:21:09Watch out for spies.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11Trust no one.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13What on earth are you doing?
0:21:13 > 0:21:15I am a real nun.
0:21:15 > 0:21:20- And do be careful you don't shoot yourself with your old weapon.- Ow.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25Yes, the Home Guard never shot a German
0:21:25 > 0:21:28because the Germans never invaded.
0:21:28 > 0:21:31Operation Defend Britain - join the Home Guard.
0:21:31 > 0:21:34Players should be 17 or over or lie about their age.
0:21:34 > 0:21:37That's 100% acc-u-rat.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40And despite the Germans never invaded Britain
0:21:40 > 0:21:42lots of Home Guard volunteers were injured.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45All the injuries you're about to see are genuine.
0:21:45 > 0:21:49Taken from the Durham Home Guard accident book.
0:21:49 > 0:21:50No, really.
0:21:50 > 0:21:51Attention!
0:21:51 > 0:21:54Durham Home Guard prepare for roll-call.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56Volunteer Birtwistle.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58- Preset, Sir.- Excellent.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00Volunteer Davidson.
0:22:00 > 0:22:01No Davidson?
0:22:01 > 0:22:04He's in hospital sir, he got shot in the arm.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07- By the enemy? - No, sir, by a volunteer.- Right.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09Volunteer Frazier.
0:22:09 > 0:22:12- Injured, shot in the leg, sir. - By a volunteer?
0:22:12 > 0:22:15No, sir, by himself. His gun went off by mistake.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17- Jenkins? - Got knocked off a bike by a dog.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19Simpson?
0:22:19 > 0:22:22Injured in gym practice - tripped over a mat, smashed his face.
0:22:22 > 0:22:24- Skellen?- Fractured ankle, sir.
0:22:24 > 0:22:26At the same gym practice?
0:22:26 > 0:22:29No, a table collapsed in a lecture.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32How's the Home Guard supposed to defend Britain
0:22:32 > 0:22:35from an attack from if we're all injured. Extraordinary.
0:22:37 > 0:22:38Sorry I'm late.
0:22:38 > 0:22:41Volunteer Tomkins reporting for duty, sir.
0:22:41 > 0:22:45Good heavens, what on earth have you done to yourself man?
0:22:45 > 0:22:50I sliced the top of my finger off adjusting the helmet chin strap.
0:22:50 > 0:22:51Right, well, it is a good job
0:22:51 > 0:22:56that today I shall be giving you all a demonstration on first aid.
0:22:56 > 0:22:57BOTH: Yes.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00So, I need a volunteer... Birtwistle.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02- Ya!- Lie on the floor, good chap.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05Oh! Ow!
0:23:05 > 0:23:09- Good heavens, man, what have you done?- Nothing to worry about.
0:23:09 > 0:23:11It's just a massive splinter.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14Right, hang on there I'll help you. Let's look... oh!
0:23:15 > 0:23:17Oh no!
0:23:17 > 0:23:20I think I've severed a tendon in my back. It's gone.
0:23:20 > 0:23:24- Don't just stand there - phone an ambulance.- Right away.
0:23:24 > 0:23:28- I think it's through to the bone. - Don't panic. Here we go.
0:23:28 > 0:23:29Ow! Ooh! My finger.
0:23:29 > 0:23:33- I definitely think I need some kind of doc.- Lend us a hand sir.
0:23:33 > 0:23:34Tomkins... Ah!
0:23:34 > 0:23:38- Argh! Now my foot's stuck. - Tomkins! My back's gone.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47When we sailed to new lands
0:23:47 > 0:23:51we Vikings had some pretty cunning ways of navigating.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57Come on. We must be close to land.
0:23:57 > 0:23:59What are you doing?
0:23:59 > 0:24:00What? Nothing.
0:24:01 > 0:24:02Are we lost?
0:24:02 > 0:24:04Don't be silly.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06You're supposed to be navigating.
0:24:06 > 0:24:09The captain'll feed your arms to the sharks...
0:24:09 > 0:24:11We're not lost, all right.
0:24:11 > 0:24:14That's the sea and that's the sky and we're inbetween them.
0:24:14 > 0:24:18On the sea and underneath the sky - exactly where I thought we'd be.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20Look at me.
0:24:20 > 0:24:21Are we lost?
0:24:22 > 0:24:23Yes.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25Right. Thought so.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28Good thing I brought this then, isn't it?
0:24:28 > 0:24:29What's in there?
0:24:29 > 0:24:30A raven.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33We're in the middle of the sea what use is a bird?
0:24:33 > 0:24:37It's the latest Viking trick. This raven's hungry.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40When I let it out of the box it'll soar up into the sky
0:24:40 > 0:24:43and it'll fly towards land looking for food.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45All we have to do is follow.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47Sat Rav. Wow!
0:24:47 > 0:24:50What a good idea. We'll find land in no time.
0:24:50 > 0:24:51- Ready?- Yeah.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55Fly raven, fly.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01I think it's a bit too hungry.
0:25:01 > 0:25:03I probably should have fed it something.
0:25:05 > 0:25:10It's true, Vikings really did sometimes use ravens to find land.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12But at night they navigated by the stars.
0:25:12 > 0:25:17Take a left to Britney Spears and a right after Angelina Jolie.
0:25:23 > 0:25:26# Was the summer of 793
0:25:26 > 0:25:30# When we sailed across The Great North Sea
0:25:30 > 0:25:33# Comets crossed The skies that night
0:25:33 > 0:25:36# Must've known Something wasn't right
0:25:36 > 0:25:39# We arrived upon your English shore
0:25:39 > 0:25:42# And you offered friendship But we wanted more
0:25:44 > 0:25:48# Yeah, so much more
0:25:48 > 0:25:51# We're tearing up This place tonight
0:25:51 > 0:25:53# Literally
0:25:54 > 0:25:58# We're going to set This sleepy town alight
0:25:58 > 0:25:59# Literally
0:26:00 > 0:26:03# We'll kill and steal and burn and drink
0:26:03 > 0:26:10# Cos us Vikings don't care what you think
0:26:10 > 0:26:12# Woah-woah-woah!
0:26:13 > 0:26:16# Let me in now, won't you please?
0:26:16 > 0:26:19# We're here to raid your monasteries
0:26:19 > 0:26:22# We're primed and ready to attack
0:26:22 > 0:26:25# And we love how monks just don't fight back
0:26:25 > 0:26:29# You'll die or become a slave to me
0:26:29 > 0:26:32# Though our slaves often get chucked in the sea
0:26:34 > 0:26:38# If the boat's heavy, yeah-yeah!
0:26:38 > 0:26:41# You're going to lose your head, my friend
0:26:41 > 0:26:43# Literally
0:26:44 > 0:26:47# We're going to get you in the end
0:26:47 > 0:26:49# Literally
0:26:50 > 0:26:53# And I would drink a toast from your skull
0:26:53 > 0:27:01# Cos we are Vikings and that's how we roll, woah-woah-woah
0:27:01 > 0:27:03# Baby, that's right!
0:27:09 > 0:27:12# We're going to paint the whole town red
0:27:12 > 0:27:14# Literally
0:27:16 > 0:27:19# With the blood of the dead
0:27:19 > 0:27:20# Literally
0:27:21 > 0:27:25# We'll take everything that you own
0:27:25 > 0:27:31# And get back on our ship and go back home
0:27:31 > 0:27:33# Woah-woah-woah!
0:27:33 > 0:27:36# We're going home
0:27:36 > 0:27:39# Woah-woah-woah!
0:27:39 > 0:27:42# We're going home
0:27:45 > 0:27:47# We are going home
0:27:51 > 0:27:54# We are going home. #
0:27:54 > 0:27:57# Tall tales, atrocious acts We gave you the fearsome facts... #
0:27:57 > 0:28:00Want to travel through the time sewers with me?
0:28:00 > 0:28:03Then play Horrible Histories Terrible Treasures.
0:28:03 > 0:28:07Go to the CBBC website and click on Horrible Histories.
0:28:07 > 0:28:12# Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories! #