0:00:02 > 0:00:04# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians
0:00:04 > 0:00:07# Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights
0:00:07 > 0:00:09# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians
0:00:09 > 0:00:12# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times
0:00:12 > 0:00:15# Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless
0:00:15 > 0:00:18# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages
0:00:18 > 0:00:23# Gory stories, we do that And your host, a talking rat
0:00:23 > 0:00:27# The past is no longer a mystery Welcome to...
0:00:27 > 0:00:32# Horrible Histories. #
0:00:36 > 0:00:41Some of our Roman Emperors were a bit, well, loopy,
0:00:41 > 0:00:44and none were loopier than Caligula.
0:00:45 > 0:00:47Legionaries, attention!
0:00:47 > 0:00:51All hail the Emperor of Rome, Caligula.
0:00:53 > 0:00:54Legions of Rome,
0:00:54 > 0:01:01today is a great day in the history of the Empire, for today we shall
0:01:01 > 0:01:07sail across the Channel and finally conquer Britain. What say you?
0:01:07 > 0:01:10UNENTHUSIASTIC MUTTERING
0:01:10 > 0:01:13- Army looks a little thin on the ground today, General.- Yes, sir.
0:01:13 > 0:01:18Erm, did you actually tell the other garrisons about the invasion?
0:01:18 > 0:01:21Of course I did. Or did I just tell Mr Hand?
0:01:21 > 0:01:26Mr Hand, did I tell the other garrisons about the invasion?
0:01:26 > 0:01:28No, you didn't, you only told me.
0:01:28 > 0:01:31Yes, it turns out I just told Mr Hand.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34Well, to successfully invade Britain we'd need thousands of men.
0:01:34 > 0:01:36And how many men do we have?
0:01:36 > 0:01:39Well, including you, me, Jeremy, who frankly is
0:01:39 > 0:01:41more of a lover than a fighter...
0:01:41 > 0:01:44- six.- Mmm.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46To invade Britain with this many men you'd have to be mad.
0:01:46 > 0:01:50Oh, well, I certainly don't want people to think I'm mad, do I,
0:01:50 > 0:01:53Mr Hand? No, you certainly wouldn't.
0:01:53 > 0:01:56Well, I can't come all this way without fighting anyone,
0:01:56 > 0:01:58it would be too embarrassing.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00We must return to Rome in victory.
0:02:00 > 0:02:03But we're on a deserted beach in a country we've already conquered.
0:02:03 > 0:02:07- There's no-one here to fight. - I think you're forgetting my greatest
0:02:07 > 0:02:13and most valiant enemy - Poseidon, god of the sea!
0:02:15 > 0:02:18Let us wage war on the sea.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21Look, General, it's retreating.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25It's attacking again.
0:02:25 > 0:02:30- It's retreating again. - That's just the tide going out.
0:02:30 > 0:02:31Take that, you big, wet wuss.
0:02:31 > 0:02:35See how I whip Poseidon into surrender.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40It's true, Caligula did indeed
0:02:40 > 0:02:43forget to tell his armies to invade Britain with him.
0:02:43 > 0:02:44He ordered his troops to collect
0:02:44 > 0:02:48seashells, then whipped the sea so he wouldn't look so foolish.
0:02:48 > 0:02:51He really was one prawn short of a cocktail, wasn't he?
0:02:51 > 0:02:54So why did his legionaries go along with it?
0:02:54 > 0:02:57Well, they were trained to do exactly as they were told.
0:02:57 > 0:03:01My name's Stuffus Maximus and I'm a legionary in the Roman army.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04'I joined the army because I liked swords and fighting,
0:03:04 > 0:03:06'and because I was made to, of course.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08'But it's not all work, work, work, you know.'
0:03:08 > 0:03:11What do you think you're doing, you horrible little man?
0:03:11 > 0:03:14You're supposed to be doing stabbing practice, so start stabbing.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17'Actually, thinking about it, it is all work, work, work.
0:03:17 > 0:03:21'We train harder than any other army in history. We march 20 miles a day,
0:03:21 > 0:03:25'build a whole fort and then take it down again the next morning.'
0:03:25 > 0:03:26Can't complain, though.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29Get your knees up, you horrible little man!
0:03:29 > 0:03:30They hit you if you complain.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33Left, right! Left, right! Left, right!
0:03:33 > 0:03:36I suppose the food's not bad, but you do have to pay for it.
0:03:38 > 0:03:42'In fact, you have to pay for everything in the Roman army -
0:03:42 > 0:03:44'your food, your uniform, your weapons...
0:03:44 > 0:03:46'even your own funeral.'
0:03:46 > 0:03:51Course, if you decide the army's not for you, you can always leave.
0:03:51 > 0:03:52Oh...
0:03:52 > 0:03:55'Well, the army tends to look down on deserters.
0:03:55 > 0:04:00'About 500 feet down, to be precise. So I'd recommend staying to fight.'
0:04:06 > 0:04:09Gentlemen, victory is ours.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12- Let us gather the spoils of war. - The what?
0:04:12 > 0:04:16The shells the sea left when it was running away.
0:04:16 > 0:04:21Legionaries, gather every seashell on the seashore.
0:04:21 > 0:04:25We'll show that watery halfwit who the daddy is.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27You're the daddy. Yes, I am the daddy.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30You're the daddy. Look, I'm agreeing with you here, Mr Hand.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35So are you ready to return to Rome now, Emperor?
0:04:35 > 0:04:38Yes, with my head held high.
0:04:38 > 0:04:43No-one can accuse me of looking silly now. Come along, Jeremy.
0:04:51 > 0:04:55You didn't want to live in England in 1349 because there was a nasty
0:04:55 > 0:05:00outbreak of the plague - not that there's ever been a nice one.
0:05:04 > 0:05:08We're expecting severe outbreaks of the Plague this year.
0:05:08 > 0:05:12Sweeping over on ships from Europe, it's expected to spread right across
0:05:12 > 0:05:14England. Towns and cities will be
0:05:14 > 0:05:18the worst affected, with people dying in vast numbers here,
0:05:18 > 0:05:20here and indeed here.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22Better news up in Scotland, though.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24No plague whatsoever.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26So in summary, if you live in England,
0:05:26 > 0:05:28expect a nasty outbreak of coughing
0:05:28 > 0:05:33and weeping sores that ooze blood, followed by almost certain death.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36On a more positive note, tomorrow should be bright and sunny,
0:05:36 > 0:05:39perfect for that mass burial in a big stinky pit.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41Have a lovely year.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46Aaargh!
0:05:46 > 0:05:50Sons of Scotland, the Plague has been killing off
0:05:50 > 0:05:55the English in their thousands, and those that are left are sick
0:05:55 > 0:06:02and weak, whereas we are strong, for there is no plague in Scotland.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04Argh!
0:06:04 > 0:06:09With their defences down, now is the time for us to invade.
0:06:09 > 0:06:14Let the arrogant English taste some Scottish steel.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17- Argh!- Go get 'em, laddies. - So are you all ready?- Aye!
0:06:17 > 0:06:19- Have you all had your porridge?- Aye!
0:06:19 > 0:06:21Have you all sharpened
0:06:21 > 0:06:24- your weapons?- Aye!
0:06:24 > 0:06:26And have you all put on some nice warm underwear?
0:06:26 > 0:06:28Of course not, you big Jessie.
0:06:28 > 0:06:33- Now let's go and slaughter some English.- Argh!
0:06:34 > 0:06:40Kill them, kill them all, butcher the lot of them and don't stop till
0:06:40 > 0:06:43the soil of England is stained red with their blood.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45HE COUGHS
0:06:45 > 0:06:50Oh, you're back already, MacDonald? You dinnae look so well.
0:06:50 > 0:06:54Think I may have caught a wee dose of that English plague, no?
0:06:57 > 0:06:59It's possible I didn't really think this
0:06:59 > 0:07:01whole invasion thing through, did I?
0:07:01 > 0:07:03No.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05Quick, lads, back over the border.
0:07:05 > 0:07:09Retreat, run home to your villages.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11But won't that bring the Plague back?
0:07:11 > 0:07:15- You'll infect the whole of Scotland. - Aye.
0:07:15 > 0:07:18I didn't really think that bit through too well either, did I?
0:07:18 > 0:07:20Erm, no.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22THEY COUGH
0:07:22 > 0:07:24Freedom!
0:07:26 > 0:07:28That is exactly what happened.
0:07:28 > 0:07:32The Scottish army invaded England, caught the Plague and took it back
0:07:32 > 0:07:33to their families in Scotland.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36- IN SCOTTISH ACCENT: - Ooh, my husband went to England
0:07:36 > 0:07:40and all he brought me back was this lousy plague.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45And Scottish families in the Middle Ages had some
0:07:45 > 0:07:47pretty unusual customs.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51Alan is a Middle Ages man from England.
0:07:51 > 0:07:55He's met Scottish beauty Doileag and wants to marry her. So they've
0:07:55 > 0:07:59travelled back to Scotland to meet Doileag's devoted mother and father.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01- But what will they think of him? - This is Alan.- Hello.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03- Hello.- Hello.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08I don't think they like me.
0:08:08 > 0:08:11No, no, we're just throwing herring fat at a wall to see
0:08:11 > 0:08:13if you're an honest man or no'.
0:08:13 > 0:08:17That's how we like to do things in Medieval Scotland.
0:08:17 > 0:08:20Aye, the herring fat runs straight, father.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23- Is that a good thing?- Aye.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25- If it were crooked that would mean you were dishonest.- Oh.
0:08:25 > 0:08:30Now allow me to wash your feet in a mixture of oil, soot and cinders.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33This will bring you luck for your marriage.
0:08:33 > 0:08:37It's how we like to do things in Medieval Scotland!
0:08:37 > 0:08:39It's the morning of the wedding
0:08:39 > 0:08:43- and Alan's beginning to have some doubts.- Listen, Doileag.
0:08:43 > 0:08:49Look, all these weird Scottish customs have got me thinking.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52You don't think we're rushing into things, do you?
0:08:52 > 0:08:54Oh!
0:08:54 > 0:08:57- Aye, ready for a creeling. - Ooh, what's a creeling?
0:08:57 > 0:09:01It's just a test to see if you're man enough to be my husband.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04All you have to do is carry this basket of stones around the village.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07- Off you go. - Argh, it'll be all right.
0:09:09 > 0:09:14Aye, it's how we like to do things in Medieval Scotland!
0:09:16 > 0:09:18- Did you go all around the village? - Yes.
0:09:20 > 0:09:23Aye, he's still an honest man. He's telling the truth.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26Let's get to the church.
0:09:26 > 0:09:30Coming up in the next series of My Big Fat Medieval Scottish Wedding,
0:09:30 > 0:09:33Doileag and Alan's baby is christened.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35SHE SPITS
0:09:35 > 0:09:40Aye, it's how we like to do things in Medieval Scotland!
0:09:46 > 0:09:50# Saxon monks had very strict rules
0:09:50 > 0:09:54# But we didn't always obey them
0:10:01 > 0:10:04# Welcome to our monastery Please have a chair
0:10:04 > 0:10:08# Good to see you monks so deep in prayer
0:10:08 > 0:10:11# Once the praying's finished Your chores must be done
0:10:11 > 0:10:14# The main rule of a good monk's life is no fun
0:10:14 > 0:10:17# We have to pray eight times a day Seven days a week
0:10:17 > 0:10:21# And copy all these manuscripts in writing so antique
0:10:21 > 0:10:24# I'll finish off this letter A Once I've ploughed our field
0:10:24 > 0:10:27# Milked the cows, mucked the sows Vegetables peeled
0:10:27 > 0:10:31# I'll be doing that and praying too
0:10:31 > 0:10:34# Very well, gents I'll bid you, adieu
0:10:34 > 0:10:37# Adveniat regnum tuum
0:10:37 > 0:10:40# OK, brothers, I think he's gone...
0:10:40 > 0:10:45# Now the bishop's not around Throw off these religious gowns
0:10:45 > 0:10:48- # Hunky... Chunky... Funky Monk-y - Get down!
0:10:48 > 0:10:52# It's not all hymns and praying It's not all work and no playing
0:10:52 > 0:10:54# So let's start misbehaving
0:10:54 > 0:10:56# And get with the funk
0:10:56 > 0:11:00# We love to have a party Eat food that is hearty
0:11:00 > 0:11:04- # Let's get the boozing started - Drunk like a monk
0:11:04 > 0:11:07# Play that monk-y music, funk boy
0:11:09 > 0:11:13# Just wanted to check that during my absence
0:11:13 > 0:11:16# You're honouring your meal time vow of silence...
0:11:20 > 0:11:23# Although we didn't oughtta We like to hunt and slaughter
0:11:23 > 0:11:25# Don't need no bread and water
0:11:25 > 0:11:27# Just fun, fun, fun
0:11:27 > 0:11:31# Monastery is jumping Party beat is thumping
0:11:31 > 0:11:33# Just lacks a certain something
0:11:33 > 0:11:35# A funky nun!
0:11:35 > 0:11:39# Get in the party habit Girlfriend...
0:11:39 > 0:11:42# It's true that life is tough here
0:11:42 > 0:11:46# But you obey the rules That is clear
0:11:46 > 0:11:48# That's why we're a place of great repute
0:11:48 > 0:11:52# What's this? I see we have a new recruit
0:11:52 > 0:11:55# Welcome to our monastery What's your name?
0:11:55 > 0:12:00# She... He can't talk And his name is...Wayne
0:12:00 > 0:12:07# Amen. #
0:12:08 > 0:12:11Ah, men!
0:12:26 > 0:12:30The answer is C - they had it...
0:12:30 > 0:12:32Oh, no, sorry, my mistake.
0:12:32 > 0:12:36It's A, they polished it with a stone called a pumice stone,
0:12:36 > 0:12:38which is a sort of volcanic rock.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49Hello, welcome to Ready Steady Feast.
0:12:49 > 0:12:53My first guest today has travelled all the way from ancient Egypt.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56Please welcome Cheops.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58- Hello there.- Hi, Cheops.
0:12:58 > 0:13:03Now, you're an Egyptian peasant, so what horrible peasanty food have
0:13:03 > 0:13:05you brought with you today?
0:13:05 > 0:13:07I've brought some bread.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09Bread. That's pretty normal.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14Argh, it's rock hard. Could lose a tooth on that.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16Yes, I know.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18It's the Egyptian sun, you see.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20It dries everything out.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22Makes the fish quite chewy as well.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25I am not touching that.
0:13:25 > 0:13:28Fair enough. How about some nice, soft dates?
0:13:28 > 0:13:31Oh, yes. Now these are more like it.
0:13:31 > 0:13:34- They're hand picked...- Mm, lovely.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36..by baboons.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39SHE COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS
0:13:39 > 0:13:41Yes, pet baboons, specially trained to
0:13:41 > 0:13:44climb up trees and pick the fruits.
0:13:44 > 0:13:49- But not specially trained to ever wash their hands.- Well, no.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52Let's see if I have more luck with my next guest.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54He is an ancient Egyptian pyramid builder.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57Oh, you know how builders are paid in radishes and garlic, don't you?
0:13:57 > 0:13:59Shut it, baboon boy.
0:13:59 > 0:14:02They eat a lot of radishes and garlic, is all I'm saying.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04Please welcome Menez.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08Hello there.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11I did try to warn her.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13Date?
0:14:13 > 0:14:15- Oh, thank you very much. - They're nice.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17Little bit of baboon dropping on there.
0:14:17 > 0:14:20- Mmm.- Yeah, I like the dates.
0:14:20 > 0:14:23- Grub's up.- Yeah, grub's up.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35And it took a lot of radishes and garlic
0:14:35 > 0:14:38to pay all the builders we needed to make a pyramid, I can tell you.
0:14:40 > 0:14:44- 'Ever wanted to build your own pyramid?'- You bet I do.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47'Well, now you can, with Pyramid Weekly.
0:14:47 > 0:14:50'Every issue of Pyramid Weekly brings you a free gift.
0:14:51 > 0:14:56- 'A large stone weighing two-and-a-half tonnes.' - Wow, a big stone. Great!
0:14:56 > 0:14:58How many do I need to build a pyramid?
0:14:58 > 0:15:01- 'Just 2.3 million.'- Cool.
0:15:01 > 0:15:06'Yes, buy Pyramid Weekly every week and in just 442,000 years
0:15:06 > 0:15:09'you will have enough stones to build your own pyramid.'
0:15:10 > 0:15:13Hey, Harry, what did you get in Pyramid Weekly this week?
0:15:13 > 0:15:16Another big stone. That's 34 so far.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18I'll have 2.3 million in no time.
0:15:18 > 0:15:21Then all you'll have to do is build it.
0:15:21 > 0:15:25'Read how it took 70,000 labourers five years to build each pyramid.'
0:15:25 > 0:15:26Do you think Dad'll help me?
0:15:26 > 0:15:28Of course he will.
0:15:28 > 0:15:33'Order today and get a second free issue completely free.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36'Pyramid Weekly. Pick one up today, if you can.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38'70,000 labourers not included.'
0:15:47 > 0:15:52The 19th century iron-clad ship used in the American Civil War.
0:15:52 > 0:15:57This ship was covered entirely in metal, meaning enemy fire bounced
0:15:57 > 0:15:59right off it.
0:15:59 > 0:16:03Plus it could destroy wooden ships by ramming them.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08The iron-clad ship was indestructible,
0:16:08 > 0:16:12but there was one small problem.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14The other side had one, too,
0:16:14 > 0:16:16so the battle went on for hours...
0:16:17 > 0:16:19..and hours.
0:16:22 > 0:16:26How about we just call it a draw?
0:16:26 > 0:16:27That's right.
0:16:27 > 0:16:32In the 1860s, the United States of America wasn't quite so united.
0:16:32 > 0:16:35Civil war broke out, with the Northern States doing
0:16:35 > 0:16:37battle against the Southern States.
0:16:37 > 0:16:40One of the Southern Confederate generals was a really unusual
0:16:40 > 0:16:43character, to say the least.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46I cannot believe that General Stonewall Jackson himself
0:16:46 > 0:16:50- is going to be giving us our battle orders.- Yes, brilliant and fearless.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52No matter how heavy the enemy
0:16:52 > 0:16:56fire, he just stands there, unmoving like a stone wall.
0:16:56 > 0:16:58He's one of our finest Confederate leaders.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00I hope it's going to be a surprise attack,
0:17:00 > 0:17:02- he is famous for his...- Ten-shun!
0:17:02 > 0:17:05General Jackson, may I say what an honour it is to serve under you?
0:17:05 > 0:17:07You have to speak up, son. Little deaf in that ear.
0:17:07 > 0:17:11Oh, just saying it's a great honour to serve under you.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13No, I'm a bit deaf in that one, too.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15(Must be all the cannon fire.)
0:17:15 > 0:17:18Cannon fire? Where? Where? Huh, huh, huh.
0:17:18 > 0:17:23- You have a map of the battlefield? - I do, sir, yes.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26- This indicates the current location of the enemy and... - SNORES
0:17:26 > 0:17:29- Sir?- I believe he has fallen asleep.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31Good morning.
0:17:31 > 0:17:34Right, we shall attack the enemy this way, huh, huh, huh.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36- From the air, with balloons? - No, son,
0:17:36 > 0:17:39I'm just balancing out my arms, keeping the circulation going.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41My right arm is longer than the left one.
0:17:41 > 0:17:45Anyway, sir, this map shows the current position of the enemy.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48- SNORES - Forces are...- Not again.
0:17:48 > 0:17:49Huh, huh, huh.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52I cannot believe this is Stonewall Jackson.
0:17:52 > 0:17:53(Shh, he'll hear you.)
0:17:53 > 0:17:56No, he won't. This man is not a legend.
0:17:56 > 0:18:00This man is some crazy, arm-waving idiot who falls asleep all the time.
0:18:00 > 0:18:03Ah! So the enemy guns face to the west.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06We'll outflank them to the right and attack them from the east.
0:18:06 > 0:18:10Our troops will then approach them silently using the long grass as cover,
0:18:10 > 0:18:14- we will surprise the enemy and capture them before a shot is fired. - Brilliant.
0:18:14 > 0:18:17Yes, I suppose he does have his moments.
0:18:17 > 0:18:21Sir, he is dribbling on my tunic.
0:18:26 > 0:18:30Ancient Greece was divided into a number of different states.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32There was my home, the warrior state, Sparta.
0:18:32 > 0:18:36And, well, lots of other rubbish ones. Go, Sparta!
0:18:41 > 0:18:44- And you must be?- Linda and Nigel.
0:18:44 > 0:18:46We're Archelaus' parents.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48Archelaus? I see.
0:18:48 > 0:18:51- What's wrong? - Well, I've been meaning to speak
0:18:51 > 0:18:55- to you about your son's behaviour for some time.- Is he in trouble?
0:18:55 > 0:18:59Well, I have a list here of what he's been up to in the last week alone.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01Screaming, shouting,
0:19:01 > 0:19:05- fighting with other pupils, attacking the teachers.- Really?
0:19:05 > 0:19:09Bringing weapons into school, cheating, lying, stealing, bullying.
0:19:09 > 0:19:12I mean, the list goes on and on.
0:19:12 > 0:19:16Mr and Mrs Archelaus, your son...
0:19:16 > 0:19:18Yes.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20..is the perfect Spartan child.
0:19:20 > 0:19:24He is going to make a fantastic Spartan warrior.
0:19:24 > 0:19:26- You must be very proud. - I'm very proud.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28Yeah, he's very proud.
0:19:28 > 0:19:31All right, it is a Spartan school so don't cry.
0:19:45 > 0:19:49Although sometimes they were whipped so hard and so often that they died.
0:19:49 > 0:19:53And if you think that's a stupid way to die, check out what happened
0:19:53 > 0:19:54to the Athenian ruler Draco.
0:19:57 > 0:20:01# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths They're funny cos they're true
0:20:01 > 0:20:06# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths Hope next time it's not you. #
0:20:08 > 0:20:12Next. So whom might you be?
0:20:12 > 0:20:16Draco, Greek lawmaker and ruler of Athens.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19Ooh. Greek lawmaker.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22Not THE Draco, the one who made pretty much
0:20:22 > 0:20:26any criminal offence punishable by death, even stealing an apple?
0:20:26 > 0:20:30- The very same.- Oh, brilliant.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32Can I have an autograph, please?
0:20:32 > 0:20:35- Yes, of course.- Just here, thank you.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38Oh, any chance of a kissy?
0:20:42 > 0:20:44Oh, two kissies! Lovely.
0:20:44 > 0:20:48Right, now tell me about your stupid death, come on.
0:20:48 > 0:20:52Well, you see I was a very cruel ruler, but also a popular one.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54Cruel but popular. Me too.
0:20:54 > 0:20:58So a special show was put on in the Athenian arena in my honour,
0:20:58 > 0:21:03and I stepped out to soak up the praise of the crowd.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05Anyway, the crowd, to show
0:21:05 > 0:21:11- their admiration, began to shower me with their hats and cloaks.- Yes.
0:21:11 > 0:21:14And then more hats and cloaks.
0:21:14 > 0:21:19- And then more cloaks... and more hats...and more cloaks.- Yes.
0:21:19 > 0:21:23And more hats and cloaks, and more hats and cloaks, until eventually,
0:21:23 > 0:21:28I had so many hats and cloaks piled up on top of me, I suffocated.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30HE LAUGHS
0:21:33 > 0:21:36That's hilarious!
0:21:36 > 0:21:39That's so funny, I'm gasping for air.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41Like you were!
0:21:41 > 0:21:44Oh, because of the hats and cloaks thing, yes.
0:21:44 > 0:21:47Oh, good news, Draco, you're through to the afterlife.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49Thank you, thank you so much.
0:21:49 > 0:21:54Oh, dear. I love my job sometimes, I really do.
0:21:54 > 0:22:00# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths Hope next time it's not you. #
0:22:09 > 0:22:12Hello and welcome to the News At When.
0:22:12 > 0:22:16When? Tudor times, when England broke with Rome and got its own church,
0:22:16 > 0:22:21which really pleased Henry VIII and really upset the Pope.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23Here with more details is Bob Hale
0:22:23 > 0:22:25with the Catholic report. Bob.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28Thank you, Sam. Well, there it is - Tudor England, that's Henry VIII
0:22:28 > 0:22:31right there, and as you can tell, it's wall-to-wall Catholics as far
0:22:31 > 0:22:35as the eye can see, much as it has been for, ooh, let's say 900 years.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38But Henry's got a bit of a problem because he wants a divorce,
0:22:38 > 0:22:41which is exactly the sort of thing the Catholic Church doesn't like.
0:22:41 > 0:22:45So he asks the Pope if he can have a divorce and he says "No way, Jose",
0:22:45 > 0:22:47which is weird because his name's Henry.
0:22:47 > 0:22:50So what does Henry do? He breaks away from the Pope, there he goes,
0:22:50 > 0:22:54and he starts up his own church here in England called, unsurprisingly,
0:22:54 > 0:22:55the Church of England.
0:22:55 > 0:22:58And since he's in charge of it, he grants himself a divorce
0:22:58 > 0:23:00and marries Anne Boleyn, who's a Protestant - she believes
0:23:00 > 0:23:02in the Bible but not in the Pope.
0:23:02 > 0:23:05Since the country's turning Protestant, Henry starts being
0:23:05 > 0:23:08a bit mean to the Catholics. By that, I mean he executes them,
0:23:08 > 0:23:10closes their monasteries and takes all their money.
0:23:10 > 0:23:13Then he gets married another four times and he dies.
0:23:13 > 0:23:16That's what six wives will do to you. And that, believe it or not,
0:23:16 > 0:23:19was the easy bit, as we can see if we look at the religion-o-meter.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21So, the next king after Henry is...
0:23:21 > 0:23:23someone from your school. No, not really.
0:23:23 > 0:23:27It's Edward VI, who's only nine years old, and he is a Protestant.
0:23:27 > 0:23:28And he's the king for ages and ages
0:23:28 > 0:23:32and ages until he finally dies at the ripe old age of 15.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35Yep, 15, when he hands over to Lady Jane Grey, another
0:23:35 > 0:23:38Protestant, who gets to enjoy ruling the country for a whopping nine days
0:23:38 > 0:23:42before she's overthrown by Queen Mary, a Catholic this time,
0:23:42 > 0:23:45so Catholic, in fact, that she burns 300 Protestants at the stake.
0:23:45 > 0:23:49Although, that's not being Catholic, that's just being horrid.
0:23:49 > 0:23:53So England is Catholic again and everyone can just sit down and get used to it.
0:23:53 > 0:23:54But not for long! Because here comes
0:23:54 > 0:23:57Queen Elizabeth and, you've guessed it, she's a Protestant.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00She even fights off a Catholic invasion, the Spanish Armada,
0:24:00 > 0:24:03and Elizabeth is followed by James I, who's a Scottish Protestant
0:24:03 > 0:24:04- or is it a Prottish Scotestant?
0:24:04 > 0:24:06Either way, he's a Protestant but he likes Catholics.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08He does until one tries to blow him up.
0:24:08 > 0:24:10Naughty, naughty, Guy Fawkes!
0:24:10 > 0:24:12And after James comes Charles I,
0:24:12 > 0:24:15who acts like a Catholic but basically doesn't care, he just
0:24:15 > 0:24:18wants to be in charge, which he is, until he's overthrown by that chap,
0:24:18 > 0:24:21who's not a Catholic or a Protestant. He's not even a king!
0:24:21 > 0:24:23Seriously. He's Oliver Cromwell,
0:24:23 > 0:24:25a Puritan, which is like a really strict Protestant.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28So strict he chops Charlie's head off and then he
0:24:28 > 0:24:31bans music, theatre, dancing, Christmas, hedgehogs and fun.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33Except not hedgehogs. Then he dies - hurray!
0:24:33 > 0:24:35And we get the monarchs back. Woo-hoo!
0:24:35 > 0:24:37It's Charles II, who is loads of fun.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40He's also a Protestant, but he converts to Catholicism
0:24:40 > 0:24:43on his death bed, so he's a Catholic, but only for a couple of minutes.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45Then comes his brother James II, who
0:24:45 > 0:24:48is a Catholic, always has been, not just for a couple of minutes.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50He doesn't like Parliament so they bring in
0:24:50 > 0:24:53his daughter and her husband from Holland, William and Mary.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56They decide England is definitely Protestant, as it is today,
0:24:56 > 0:25:00but only after 185 years of going Catholic, Protestant, Catholic,
0:25:00 > 0:25:03Protestant, Catholic, Protestant, Catholic, Protestant.
0:25:03 > 0:25:07You're getting sleepy, you're getting very sleepy...
0:25:07 > 0:25:12Hand back to Sam, Sam, Sam...
0:25:13 > 0:25:18Sam... Sam... Sam...
0:25:20 > 0:25:22Yes, the whole Catholic-Protestant
0:25:22 > 0:25:26thing started with Henry VIII's doomed marriage to Anne Boleyn.
0:25:26 > 0:25:30When marriages come to an end, things have to be divided up,
0:25:30 > 0:25:32and in this case Henry divided up Anne.
0:25:32 > 0:25:34Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:25:34 > 0:25:37Oh, I'm sorry, have I gone too far?
0:25:37 > 0:25:41You join us here today on this sad occasion.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44Queen Anne Boleyn is about to be beheaded.
0:25:44 > 0:25:47I am joined here by her husband, King Henry VIII.
0:25:47 > 0:25:52Your Majesty, how do you feel on this tragic day?
0:25:52 > 0:25:54Ace! 15-love.
0:25:54 > 0:25:57So you're not attending the execution, then?
0:25:57 > 0:25:59Oh, no. I would have loved to have
0:25:59 > 0:26:03been there but I had this game of Tudor tennis booked in the diary.
0:26:03 > 0:26:07You know how it is. Busy king, countries to rule, volleys to hit.
0:26:09 > 0:26:13- 30-love. Look at his face. - That was out, Your Majesty.
0:26:13 > 0:26:15Are you absolutely sure?
0:26:15 > 0:26:17My mistake. Good shot.
0:26:17 > 0:26:1930-love.
0:26:19 > 0:26:23Isn't playing tennis while your wife's being beheaded a little...
0:26:23 > 0:26:24well, heartless?
0:26:24 > 0:26:28Heartless? I have gone out of my way to make things nice for her.
0:26:28 > 0:26:30Nice?
0:26:30 > 0:26:32Yes. I ordered the best swordsman
0:26:32 > 0:26:35in France to lop her head off. Got him in from Calais.
0:26:35 > 0:26:41Sharp sword, spared no expense, good clean blow, boo-boom! Head off.
0:26:41 > 0:26:44And she had a fair trial, despite what people said.
0:26:44 > 0:26:47Is it my fault that woman was a witch?
0:26:48 > 0:26:5040-love!
0:26:50 > 0:26:53- Brilliant! - Forgive me, Your Majesty, but to get
0:26:53 > 0:26:56the executioner from Calais to London in time, didn't you have
0:26:56 > 0:26:59to order him before Anne's trial?
0:26:59 > 0:27:02Oh, details, details.
0:27:02 > 0:27:05Game, set and match!
0:27:05 > 0:27:07Look at that - King wins, King wins! Hello.
0:27:07 > 0:27:10Sire, Anne has now been beheaded.
0:27:10 > 0:27:11Oh, dear.
0:27:11 > 0:27:13Oh, dear, oh, dear.
0:27:13 > 0:27:16I suppose I should go and see the missus.
0:27:16 > 0:27:19You're going to pay your respects to your late wife?
0:27:19 > 0:27:22Oh, no, not her.
0:27:22 > 0:27:24The new missus, Jane Seymour.
0:27:24 > 0:27:27She's a real fox! Goodbye.
0:27:27 > 0:27:29Oh, by the way, if the whole
0:27:29 > 0:27:33Jane thing doesn't work out, do you fancy being Queen for a little bit?
0:27:34 > 0:27:39Tempting... Back to you in the studio.
0:27:39 > 0:27:40# Tall tales, atrocious acts
0:27:40 > 0:27:42# We gave you all the fearsome facts... #
0:27:42 > 0:27:45Want to travel through the time sewers with me?
0:27:45 > 0:27:48Then play Horrible Histories' Terrible Treasures.
0:27:48 > 0:27:52Go to the CBBC website and click on Horrible Histories.