0:00:02 > 0:00:04# Terrible Tudors, Gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians
0:00:04 > 0:00:07# Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights
0:00:07 > 0:00:09# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians
0:00:09 > 0:00:12# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishments from ancient times
0:00:12 > 0:00:15# Roman, rotten, rank and ruthless Cavemen savage, fierce and toothless
0:00:15 > 0:00:18# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages
0:00:18 > 0:00:20# Gory stories, we do that
0:00:20 > 0:00:23# And your host, a talking rat
0:00:23 > 0:00:27# The past is no longer a mystery Welcome to...
0:00:27 > 0:00:32# Horrible Histories! #
0:00:36 > 0:00:40Us cavemen had lots of unusual traditions.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43You wouldn't believe some of them if you saw them today.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46- THUMP - Ow! Who did that?
0:00:56 > 0:00:58DI Bones, Historical Crime Squad.
0:00:58 > 0:01:03Deceased is a male, Stone Age cave-dweller, early 30s.
0:01:03 > 0:01:06Cause of death, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven...
0:01:06 > 0:01:0917 arrows fired directly into the chest.
0:01:09 > 0:01:10Oh!
0:01:12 > 0:01:16Oh, no, no, sorry. Sorry, that was us. We did that when we found him.
0:01:16 > 0:01:19You fired 17 arrows into the corpse of your loved one?
0:01:19 > 0:01:21It's just an old Stone Age mark of respect.
0:01:21 > 0:01:23OK, well, we'll ignore the arrows.
0:01:23 > 0:01:26Erm... Oh.
0:01:26 > 0:01:31Probable cause of death is the victim having his head sliced open
0:01:31 > 0:01:33and his brains removed.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36Ooh... Oh, no, sorry.
0:01:36 > 0:01:40- Sorry, we did that too.- You sliced his head open and removed his brains?
0:01:40 > 0:01:42Just our little tribute.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44Another Stone Age ritual for the dead.
0:01:44 > 0:01:49Also present, a piece of raw, rotting meat.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51- Could be poisoned.- Sorry.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53We left that for him as well.
0:01:53 > 0:01:56It's to keep him going in the afterlife till he catches some food.
0:01:56 > 0:01:59Never mind the afterlife. I'm trying to work out what sent him there.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01Aha!
0:02:01 > 0:02:05Traces of a suspect red powder.
0:02:05 > 0:02:09Yeah, that'd be make-up. Us again. Sorry.
0:02:09 > 0:02:10We wanted him to look his best.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13Well, he looks great with 17 arrows poking out of his chest
0:02:13 > 0:02:17- and half his head lopped off. - It's what he would've wanted.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19- The dead dog was you as well? - We thought he might
0:02:19 > 0:02:21get lonely in the afterlife.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23And, er, what's the big bear for?
0:02:23 > 0:02:25Oh, no, no, that wasn't us. That's what killed him.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27ROARING
0:02:27 > 0:02:29Ah. Cause of death was the big...
0:02:29 > 0:02:31big bear! Big bear!
0:02:33 > 0:02:36Big bear!
0:02:36 > 0:02:38Ha-ha! Do you know, it's true?
0:02:38 > 0:02:43Some cavemen did slice open dead people's heads to remove the brains.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46They may have even cooked and eaten them, too! Mmm.
0:02:46 > 0:02:48Here's a brain I prepared earlier.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50As you can see, it's from a PE teacher.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52He-he-he!
0:02:52 > 0:02:55Lots of what we know about Stone Age people
0:02:55 > 0:02:58comes from what's been found in burial pits like that one,
0:02:58 > 0:03:02and also from prehistoric cave paintings.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11Hello and welcome to the Caveman Art Show.
0:03:11 > 0:03:14- I'm Ugg and this is Grunt.- Grunt.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17Today we're showing you how to paint like a caveman.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19Grunt's already made a start with his picture,
0:03:19 > 0:03:22Let's have a look and see how he's doing. Come on.
0:03:22 > 0:03:26- Grunt paint picture.- That's a lovely prehistoric picture, Grunt.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28- And who are these two fellows here? - Grunt.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30- That's you, is it?- Grung.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32That's Grung.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34- Dead.- Grung's dead.
0:03:34 > 0:03:39- And who's this chap here, being chased by the mammoth?- That Ugg.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42Ugh, ugh, scoff, scoff. Ugh, ugh,
0:03:42 > 0:03:45- ugh, ugh.- Excuse me, what? What?
0:03:45 > 0:03:47You know I'm sensitive about my weight.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49- Sorry.- There's a line.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51I just got carried away.
0:03:51 > 0:03:55I'm also going to show you an ancient caveman painting technique.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57For this, you're going to have to make your own paint.
0:04:00 > 0:04:04Now, what I like to use is iron minerals, like these.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07Now we take our minerals, put them into our pot...
0:04:07 > 0:04:10and you need to mix them with a certain kind of liquid.
0:04:10 > 0:04:14Personally, I think blood works best. Grunt, I need some blood.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17Don't be silly, I'm not going to use your blood.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19Just pass us the blood we've already got.
0:04:22 > 0:04:26Idiot. Now, I'm just going to pour some of this in the pot...
0:04:26 > 0:04:30and mix it together, to make a paint.
0:04:30 > 0:04:32Once you've done that, you'll need a bone.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35Grunt, I need a bone.
0:04:35 > 0:04:36The one we've already got.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39You thought I was going to hit you, didn't you?
0:04:39 > 0:04:41Well, I am.
0:04:41 > 0:04:44Once you've got your bone, you need to get all the marrow out
0:04:44 > 0:04:47from the inside, so it makes a hollow tube, like this.
0:04:47 > 0:04:51Then you take your bone tube and stick it in your paint
0:04:51 > 0:04:53and you suck it up.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58HE COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS
0:04:58 > 0:05:02OK, carry on. Make sure you suck gently.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05You don't want the paint going into your mouth, do you, Grunt?
0:05:05 > 0:05:08No. Once you've got paint in your bone tube,
0:05:08 > 0:05:12go over to the wall and place your hand on the wall.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15Then you can blow the paint all over your hand.
0:05:15 > 0:05:19Then, when you take your hand away, it makes a lovely handprint, like so.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21Ha-ha! Grunt paint hand.
0:05:21 > 0:05:23- Well done, Grunt. - Grunt do foot.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26I don't think you should do that, Grunt.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28No, I don't think that's a good idea.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31Urgh! Ugh, ugh.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35Oh, where's the...where's the door?
0:05:35 > 0:05:37See you all next week.
0:05:42 > 0:05:46During World War II, there could be spies anywhere.
0:05:46 > 0:05:50You had to watch what you said, and what you wrote.
0:05:50 > 0:05:55So, to pass on secret messages, the Army had to use secret codes.
0:05:55 > 0:05:59So my idea is, we write everything backwards, and so to the enemy
0:05:59 > 0:06:01it looks like complete gobbledegook.
0:06:01 > 0:06:04It's brilliant. For example, if we were to write the word "eye",
0:06:04 > 0:06:07we would do it backwards, like so.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09Eye.
0:06:10 > 0:06:13Oh. Bad example.
0:06:13 > 0:06:17If we were writing the word "madam", we'd do it backwards, like this.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19A, D,
0:06:19 > 0:06:22A, M. Ma... Oh.
0:06:22 > 0:06:26Erm, if we were writing the word "race car", then we'd spell it
0:06:26 > 0:06:29backwards, which would be...
0:06:31 > 0:06:34I think it's back to the drawing board with that one,
0:06:34 > 0:06:37- old bean.- Yes, perhaps you're right. I tell you, this secret code lark
0:06:37 > 0:06:39is a darn tricky business.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41Isn't it, just?
0:06:41 > 0:06:45- Well, thanks for nothing!- My word!
0:06:45 > 0:06:49Agent Saunders? We thought you were in that prison camp at Drancy.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52No, I escaped. No thanks to you idiots.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54- Steady on now, chap.- Steady on?
0:06:54 > 0:06:58I just crossed the whole of occupied France with no money and no map.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00Did you even get my letter?
0:07:00 > 0:07:03Some time ago. I'm afraid it didn't make a great deal of sense.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06Well, I used Sergeant Hall's code, just like you said.
0:07:06 > 0:07:10Escape planned, January 2nd, send map and money.
0:07:10 > 0:07:14You just read every word after the punctuation, just like we discussed.
0:07:14 > 0:07:18- Ah, every word after the punctuation. - See, and we were reading every word
0:07:18 > 0:07:19BEFORE the punctuation.
0:07:19 > 0:07:23"Please prepare the old goat for wedding."
0:07:23 > 0:07:27- Why on earth would I say that? - Well, we were rather confused.
0:07:27 > 0:07:28As was the goat.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30GOAT BLEATS
0:07:31 > 0:07:35So, it turns you're better at this secret code lark than we are.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37Would help us with this one?
0:07:37 > 0:07:39Ah, yes, now we got this letter
0:07:39 > 0:07:41from Agent Blenkinsopp three weeks ago.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43We've been unable to work out which code he's using.
0:07:43 > 0:07:47Trapped in Paris, please send help.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49Now, what is he trying to tell us?
0:07:49 > 0:07:51There's a message in there somewhere.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53Oh!
0:07:53 > 0:07:55I'm going for a bath.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58Do you actually think he's trapped in Paris, do you?
0:07:58 > 0:07:59Where's Paris?
0:08:00 > 0:08:02True or false?
0:08:02 > 0:08:08Spies in World War II sometimes used wee to write letters? It's...
0:08:08 > 0:08:10True! It worked like invisible ink.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13When the paper was heated, the wee writing became visible.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16Yes, British spies had lots of cunning devices
0:08:16 > 0:08:21and all the gadgets you're about to see really were used in World War II.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27Psst. Are you Agent Sophie?
0:08:27 > 0:08:29Yes, I am she.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33Agent Sophie, welcome to France.
0:08:33 > 0:08:37I am Claude, your contact in the Resistance. I understand you
0:08:37 > 0:08:39- have some instructions? - Yes, they're in my suitcase.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45- Here you go.- Er, wait a minute.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47You come all the way to German-occupied France
0:08:47 > 0:08:49to tell me to wash and to brush my teeth?
0:08:49 > 0:08:51No, of course not.
0:08:51 > 0:08:52Although...
0:08:52 > 0:08:56The secret instructions are hidden inside the soap and the toothpaste.
0:08:56 > 0:08:59- They're written on silk. - Oh, this is very clever.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02If the Germans search your suitcase they won't find anything.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04- Ha-ha! Ingenious.- We thought so.
0:09:04 > 0:09:08So tell me, what do you have hidden inside these things?
0:09:08 > 0:09:11The hairbrush contains some spare money and the chess set
0:09:11 > 0:09:14has a map of France hidden in it - in case I lose my way.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17Amazing! You British secret agents have so many things
0:09:17 > 0:09:20hidden inside other things. It is wonderful. Oh,
0:09:20 > 0:09:23I see you also have brought some dinner and what's this?
0:09:23 > 0:09:25Ooh la la, a bottle of wine.
0:09:25 > 0:09:27Oh, no, no, no. Be careful with that.
0:09:27 > 0:09:28The bottle is actually a bomb.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30Of course it is.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33I should have guessed. Next you'll be telling me
0:09:33 > 0:09:36that you have hidden a machine gun inside this fish.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38Yes. Is it that obvious?
0:09:38 > 0:09:40I'll have to tell the boffins in London to work on that.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43They are geniuses. They've even made mines that look
0:09:43 > 0:09:46- just like animal poo.- Aah...
0:09:46 > 0:09:48So you are telling me
0:09:48 > 0:09:51that this cowpat is actually a landmine?
0:09:51 > 0:09:55Ooh, it even smells like the real thing.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57No, no, no. That is an actual cowpat.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59I didn't bring that with me.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03Will you pass me the soap, please?
0:10:15 > 0:10:19We Romans loved to watch gory gladiators.
0:10:19 > 0:10:23Some fought with a net and trident, some with a spear and a shield,
0:10:23 > 0:10:25others with two swords.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28And then there were the gladiators who fought with...
0:10:28 > 0:10:32ha-ha! Well, just watch this.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34I want you to go out there and wipe the floor with him.
0:10:34 > 0:10:37You want me to wipe the floor with him?
0:10:37 > 0:10:40Not literally. That's going to take ages and look silly.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42But go out there and show him who's boss.
0:10:42 > 0:10:46- Show him who's boss? Right, I'm... - No, don't try and give him a job.
0:10:46 > 0:10:50- Go out there and give him a good licking.- You want me to lick him?
0:10:50 > 0:10:53- Go out there and kill him, you big lug!- Kill him! Yeah!
0:10:53 > 0:10:56- Yeah! Now, are you ready?- Yes.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58No, oi! No, no, no. Are you ready?
0:10:58 > 0:11:00Yeeeesss!
0:11:00 > 0:11:02There's your sword, your shield
0:11:02 > 0:11:04and there's your blindfold. Now, go and get him.
0:11:04 > 0:11:07Come on... Whoa, whoa, whoa. Blindfold?
0:11:07 > 0:11:08Well, you're an Andabatae now.
0:11:08 > 0:11:11That's a very special sort of gladiator.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14They fight with a sword, a shield and a blindfold.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16Can I not just have a sword and a shield and then...
0:11:16 > 0:11:20- That'd make you a Secutores.- I'd like to be one of those.- Problem is,
0:11:20 > 0:11:25they've already announced you as an Andabatae, so it's a bit awkward.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28Your opponent's an Andabatae as well, he'll be wearing a blindfold.
0:11:28 > 0:11:32That's fair enough then. I'll cut him to pieces - if I can find him.
0:11:32 > 0:11:36- Ha-ha!- Ha-ha... Well, go on, then. Give him hell.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38Yeah! Come on, then!
0:11:38 > 0:11:40Wait, left a bit. There you go. Ooh.
0:11:42 > 0:11:45Left a bit. Left a bit.
0:11:45 > 0:11:46Little bit more.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49Get... Oh, not as far as... Oh...
0:11:49 > 0:11:52Oh! I do not want to see that.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54Anyone got a blindfold?
0:11:54 > 0:11:57That's 100% accu-rat.
0:11:57 > 0:11:58Andabatae were blindfolded
0:11:58 > 0:12:03and pushed towards each other by people with sticks. That's right...
0:12:03 > 0:12:05'Scuse me!
0:12:05 > 0:12:09..until one of them managed to kill their opponent, wherever they were.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12The worst thing about it? It was winner stays on.
0:12:13 > 0:12:17Yeah. And there were even sillier ways to die in Roman times.
0:12:19 > 0:12:24# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths they're funny cos they're true
0:12:24 > 0:12:27# Whoo! Stupid deaths, stupid deaths
0:12:27 > 0:12:29# Hope next time it's not you! Hey-hee #
0:12:30 > 0:12:32Next!
0:12:32 > 0:12:35Hello, I'm Diodorus,
0:12:35 > 0:12:37erm...the Hunchback.
0:12:37 > 0:12:40You don't look much like a hunchback.
0:12:40 > 0:12:41Oh, yes - that's why I'm here.
0:12:41 > 0:12:44Ooh! Interesting.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47I'm all ears. Entertain me.
0:12:47 > 0:12:51Well, I'd been a hunchback for years, so I'd given up all hope of any cure,
0:12:51 > 0:12:55but then I met Doctor Socles, and he's a Greek medical expert
0:12:55 > 0:12:58and he said that he could fix my crooked spine.
0:12:58 > 0:13:01Ooh! This sounds like it's going to be good.
0:13:01 > 0:13:06He told me to lie on my stomach, and hold my breath and close my eyes.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09And then he put three massive stones on my back.
0:13:09 > 0:13:13- And?- And when I opened my eyes... I was cured!
0:13:13 > 0:13:16- Oh, dear. - But unfortunately I was also dead.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19Hooray!
0:13:19 > 0:13:24- Squished by Doctor Socles' stones. They'd crushed my spine.- Ha-ha-ha!
0:13:24 > 0:13:29That's hilarious. Ooh - have you met my flatmate, Diodorus(?)
0:13:29 > 0:13:32Flatmate, get it? Ha-ha-ha-ha.
0:13:32 > 0:13:36- Oh, dear. You're through to the afterlife.- Oh, thank you.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38- Argh... Ow.- Off you pop.
0:13:38 > 0:13:43Do you know, I love my job sometimes. I do, I really do.
0:13:43 > 0:13:44Next!
0:13:44 > 0:13:47# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths
0:13:47 > 0:13:50# Hope next time it's not you! Hoo-hoo #
0:13:54 > 0:13:56Ow, my head.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58Do you suffer from headaches?!
0:13:58 > 0:14:00Yes, I do, and you're not helping.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02(Do you suffer from headaches?)
0:14:02 > 0:14:03That's better. Yes, yes, I do.
0:14:03 > 0:14:08- Need something fast and effective to relieve the pain?- Yes, I do.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10Then why not try the latest Saxon cure -
0:14:10 > 0:14:13Bag-o-Swallow-Chick-Stomach-Stones.
0:14:13 > 0:14:14Yes...
0:14:16 > 0:14:20It's simple. Just find a couple of swallow chicks,
0:14:20 > 0:14:24cut them open, and look for little stones in their stomach.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28Argh, this is disgusting. Now what?
0:14:28 > 0:14:33Obvious. Just sew them into a little bag, and pop it on your head.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36- Are you sure about this? - Sure, I'm sure.
0:14:36 > 0:14:40Just keep the bag on till the headache's gone.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43And no sudden movements, or the bag may fall off.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45Vikings are coming!
0:14:45 > 0:14:47Run for your life!
0:14:50 > 0:14:54- Er, the Vikings are coming.- It'll even cure people plagued by goblins.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56Yes, but they will cure Vikings?
0:14:59 > 0:15:00No. Run away!
0:15:00 > 0:15:02Argh! Argh!
0:15:02 > 0:15:04I've still got my headache, you know.
0:15:04 > 0:15:07- Soon you won't have a head TO ache! - Argh!
0:15:21 > 0:15:23The answer is...
0:15:25 > 0:15:27..baked dry and rubbed into a powder.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30And if you think THAT'S weird, Saxons also believed
0:15:30 > 0:15:33having a pig on your battle helmet would bring you good luck.
0:15:34 > 0:15:37Helmets... Get your shiny helmets.
0:15:37 > 0:15:38All right, mate.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40I'd like a refund for this helmet you sold me.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42What seems to be the problem?
0:15:42 > 0:15:44I bought it because it's got a pig on the top...
0:15:44 > 0:15:46Well, it's a very popular choice.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49Pig is a favourite animal of our Saxon god, Frey.
0:15:49 > 0:15:52But you assured me this helmet would bring me good luck.
0:15:52 > 0:15:56- Yeah, well it does. - Yeah? Well, explain this...
0:15:56 > 0:15:58Oh. Oh, that IS nasty.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00Tell you what, I'll get you a refund.
0:16:05 > 0:16:06Where did he go?
0:16:20 > 0:16:22HE FARTS
0:16:24 > 0:16:28The word Wednesday's named after Woden, the chief Saxon god.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30He's also the god of poets.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32Now, here's something odd.
0:16:32 > 0:16:35He owned a horse with eight legs and wings so it flew.
0:16:35 > 0:16:39The weather forecast for tomorrow - downpours of horse poo.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41Ha-ha-ha!
0:16:45 > 0:16:50In 1520, King Henry VIII of England met Francis I of France
0:16:50 > 0:16:53in a celebration of peace between the two countries.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55What could possibly go wrong?
0:16:56 > 0:17:01Welcome to Horrible Histories World Wrestling!
0:17:01 > 0:17:06We are ringside at the Field of the Cloth of Gold, in 1520 AD.
0:17:06 > 0:17:11Two of the greatest Tudor monarchs go head to head, King versus King,
0:17:11 > 0:17:13in a really royal rumble.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15So let's meet the wrestlers.
0:17:15 > 0:17:18King Francis I of France, King of bling.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21He may not be big, but he's fast, and he sure is pretty.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24Pardon... Is zere going to be a fight?
0:17:24 > 0:17:27It was my understanding zat we were all 'ere to celebrate ze peace
0:17:27 > 0:17:31between our two great nations - with ze music, art, dancing...
0:17:31 > 0:17:33And fighting!
0:17:33 > 0:17:37OK. Er, normally I have soldiers to do zat sort of thing for me...
0:17:37 > 0:17:41Well, not today. Because you're going one on one with Henry VIII,
0:17:41 > 0:17:44reigning King of England!
0:17:44 > 0:17:47He's six foot two inches, a little over 120 kilos,
0:17:47 > 0:17:49and not all of it muscle.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51Oi! I heard that.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54And if you think Henry's stats are impressive, just check out his tent
0:17:54 > 0:17:55for the event.
0:17:55 > 0:17:59It's as big as a palace. 100 metres long, 100 metres wide.
0:17:59 > 0:18:03It's got its own chapel, 35 priests, and two fountains flowing with wine.
0:18:03 > 0:18:08I've been fighting all my life - but THIS is the big one.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10I am going to take you down.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12I am going to tear you apart.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14I'm going to rip your legs off.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16Is zis really necessary?
0:18:16 > 0:18:18Aren't we meant to be celebrating
0:18:18 > 0:18:21ze long, historic friendship between our two peoples?
0:18:21 > 0:18:24What better way to celebrate the peace than with a fight?
0:18:24 > 0:18:27Well, the tension here is almost unbearable.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29- BELL RINGS - And here we go,
0:18:29 > 0:18:30for the biggest, longest,
0:18:30 > 0:18:34most gruelling wrestling match in history!
0:18:35 > 0:18:36It's all over.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38Alors! Who's for some art,
0:18:38 > 0:18:41music and dancing?
0:18:41 > 0:18:42Best of three.
0:18:46 > 0:18:47Bon!
0:18:47 > 0:18:52It's true. Francis I beat Henry by tripping him up. Ha!
0:18:52 > 0:18:54Henry was a really bad loser.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56He always liked to get his own way, did Henry.
0:18:56 > 0:19:00So, just imagine how well it went down when the Pope told him
0:19:00 > 0:19:01he couldn't get a divorce.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03Ooh... I'm imagining it.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05I'm imagining it.
0:19:05 > 0:19:06I'm imagining it!
0:19:07 > 0:19:09KING HENRY MUTTERS TO HIMSELF
0:19:12 > 0:19:13Er...
0:19:14 > 0:19:16Oh, yes!
0:19:16 > 0:19:18Yes, I'm still a handsome devil.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21Oh, what's this?
0:19:21 > 0:19:23Could it be that my dear wife Catherine has given birth?
0:19:23 > 0:19:26Oh, she has. Please be a boy.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29Please be a boy, please be a boy...
0:19:29 > 0:19:32Oh, no! Oh, no...
0:19:32 > 0:19:36Why has God forsaken me with only lady babies?
0:19:36 > 0:19:40No. I must have a male heir.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42A queen on the English throne would be disastrous.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45I mean, girls are too silly to rule countries.
0:19:45 > 0:19:46This is all my wife's fault.
0:19:46 > 0:19:50I'm going to divorce her. No, worse - I'm going to drop her
0:19:50 > 0:19:54from my top eight on Yebo, and THEN I'm going to divorce her.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56Yes! See how she likes that.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00There we go. Take that, you...
0:20:00 > 0:20:03Oh, no. That's put the King of France in my top eight.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05And he's an idiot.
0:20:05 > 0:20:06Right.
0:20:06 > 0:20:09I'm going to have to completely rearrange my friends list now.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11Huh? Oh...
0:20:11 > 0:20:14The Pope. What does he want?
0:20:16 > 0:20:19Ah, your Holiness. Hello to you.
0:20:19 > 0:20:21I thought you were languishing
0:20:21 > 0:20:24in a rat-infested Spanish dungeon? Ha-ha-ha.
0:20:24 > 0:20:28I am. But it has excellent wi-fi coverage.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31Henry, is it true?
0:20:31 > 0:20:34You dropped the Queen from your top eight on Yebo?
0:20:34 > 0:20:36Yes, it's true.
0:20:36 > 0:20:42- She bore me the wrong kind of baby. I specifically asked for a boy.- Mmm.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45So I'd like to divorce her, if that's OK with you.
0:20:45 > 0:20:48What? No! No. Absolutely not.
0:20:49 > 0:20:54Well, it's too late. I'm looking on tudorbrides.com as we speak.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56- Henry, now listen to me... - Here we go.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58Here's one.
0:20:58 > 0:21:01Anne Boleyn. "Protestant lady
0:21:01 > 0:21:06"seeks rich, ennobled husband for good times
0:21:06 > 0:21:09"and lots of male heirs. Likes beards."
0:21:09 > 0:21:13Well, I must marry her right away.
0:21:13 > 0:21:14Henry, the Catholic Church
0:21:14 > 0:21:18unremittingly refuses your request for a divorce.
0:21:18 > 0:21:22Oh, really? Well, I'm just going to set up my OWN church
0:21:22 > 0:21:24if you're going to be like that.
0:21:24 > 0:21:29You cannot set up your own church! You need scriptures, and a dogma.
0:21:29 > 0:21:30Ha-ha-ha!
0:21:30 > 0:21:32That is...
0:21:32 > 0:21:34HE YAWNS ..SO 1529.
0:21:34 > 0:21:37You can do it all online now.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40Yep. There we go. HE CHUCKLES
0:21:40 > 0:21:42Church of Henry...
0:21:42 > 0:21:45Yes, that's it. Oh, it's gone. No...
0:21:45 > 0:21:47Henry. I implore you.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50Please, think of the... think of the implications,
0:21:50 > 0:21:52the damage it will cause, Henry.
0:21:52 > 0:21:55Church of England? Yep, that'll do.
0:21:55 > 0:21:56HENRY CHUCKLES
0:21:56 > 0:21:59Henry, please. Listen to me. I'm the Pope!
0:21:59 > 0:22:02Henry! Henry...!
0:22:02 > 0:22:03Sorry, your Holiness. Time to go,
0:22:03 > 0:22:06e-mail just popped in. It might be from Anne Boleyn.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08See you later.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14Oh, what does this idiot want?!
0:22:14 > 0:22:17King of France indeed.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19Oh, he's sent me a virus.
0:22:19 > 0:22:22Very clever. Well done. Yeah.
0:22:22 > 0:22:23Idiot.
0:22:27 > 0:22:32We Incas were discovered in South America in the 1500s
0:22:32 > 0:22:34by Spanish explorers,
0:22:34 > 0:22:38and it turned out they were after more than just our friendship...
0:22:39 > 0:22:41Hola. Welcome to Very Rough Guides.
0:22:44 > 0:22:49It's 1526, and I am Spanish explorer Francisco Pizarro.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51This is my right hand man, Pedro.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54- Hola.- Today's programme is all about visiting Peru.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57- And stealing all their gold. - Pedro, please. Uh?
0:22:57 > 0:23:00- Don't talk about stealing the gold, OK?- Sorry, boss.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03The journey here was very simple.
0:23:03 > 0:23:07All we had to do was sail 5,000 miles from Spain to Panama,
0:23:07 > 0:23:09travel overland through the dense jungle,
0:23:09 > 0:23:12then build a whole new boat and sail down the coast to Peru.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14It only took us two-and-a-half years!
0:23:14 > 0:23:16Easy-peasy, squeeze the lemon.
0:23:16 > 0:23:20And now we are going to meet some local Incas, see how they live
0:23:20 > 0:23:23- and find out about their magnificent culture.- And steal their gold.
0:23:23 > 0:23:25Pedro, please! Don't mention stealing the gold, OK?
0:23:29 > 0:23:32'When we met them, the local Incas couldn't have been more welcoming.'
0:23:32 > 0:23:35- Children of the sun.- Oh, yeah!
0:23:35 > 0:23:37- Hello!- Welcome!
0:23:37 > 0:23:38'They thought we were sun gods
0:23:38 > 0:23:41'because the sun reflected off our steel armour.'
0:23:41 > 0:23:43Why not take us sun gods
0:23:43 > 0:23:46to see all your lovely gold - so we can steal it.
0:23:46 > 0:23:50Pedro, I told you not to mention the gold, OK? What is wrong with you?
0:23:50 > 0:23:51Do you want to pop in?
0:23:51 > 0:23:53Follow us.
0:23:58 > 0:24:02'The Incans have some very unusual attitudes to wealth.'
0:24:02 > 0:24:06I'm an Incan Chief. I'm very rich.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08Wonderful. How very rich, exactly?
0:24:08 > 0:24:14Very rich. I have many wives, many children, many grandchildren...
0:24:14 > 0:24:17- What about gold?- Pedro, please. - Yes, we've got lots of gold -
0:24:17 > 0:24:20but I don't see what that's got to do with being rich.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23Oh, nothing at all. Don't worry about it.
0:24:24 > 0:24:25OK. No, I...
0:24:28 > 0:24:30It's brilliant. In Peru, there is so much gold
0:24:30 > 0:24:32the Incans don't really value it.
0:24:32 > 0:24:34For them, your family and followers
0:24:34 > 0:24:36are your real riches, uh?
0:24:36 > 0:24:37(No, no, don't...)
0:24:37 > 0:24:40OK. Gold is worthless.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42OK, we're going to go now. So, bye.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44- Bye-bye!- Nice to meet you.
0:24:44 > 0:24:46- Ta-ta.- OK...
0:24:46 > 0:24:48Walk, don't run.
0:24:48 > 0:24:49Well, they seem very nice.
0:24:49 > 0:24:52'I really recommend a visit to Peru.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54'My first trip has only cost me 100,000 pesos,'
0:24:54 > 0:24:58but next time, I will bring extra troops and I will make millions, uh?
0:24:58 > 0:25:00- From stealing all their gold.- Ssshhh!
0:25:00 > 0:25:03- What? Don't you push me. - Yeah, but you said...
0:25:03 > 0:25:05What? It's OK now. Uh?
0:25:05 > 0:25:08Do you see Incans around? No. What is wrong with you all the time?
0:25:08 > 0:25:09Why do you push me...
0:25:12 > 0:25:14Pizarro grew up in Spain
0:25:14 > 0:25:17as a poor boy whose job it was to look after the pigs.
0:25:17 > 0:25:20It's said that his parents ran away and left him,
0:25:20 > 0:25:21and he was brought up by a sow.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23Imagine that!
0:25:23 > 0:25:27"Eh, Pizarro - your room looks like a pigsty.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29- "Well done, son!" - HE OINKS
0:25:29 > 0:25:31Ha-ha-ha-ha.
0:25:31 > 0:25:34But it wasn't just the Spaniards who were ruthless.
0:25:34 > 0:25:36So were some of the Incas.
0:25:36 > 0:25:40And now on Horrible Histories, a music video exclusive.
0:25:40 > 0:25:44It's the Incan Lord Pachacuti, with The Pachacuti Song.
0:25:44 > 0:25:45GROOVY MUSIC
0:25:50 > 0:25:53# I'm Pachacuti, the Incan Lord
0:25:53 > 0:25:56# All other tribes dread it
0:25:56 > 0:25:59# My name means "He who shakes the Earth"
0:25:59 > 0:26:01# Not that I'm big-headed
0:26:03 > 0:26:05# When it comes to claiming nearby lands
0:26:05 > 0:26:08# I was the type to risk it
0:26:08 > 0:26:12# But it's how I treat dead enemies
0:26:12 > 0:26:15# That really took the biscuit
0:26:16 > 0:26:18# Do the Pachacuti
0:26:19 > 0:26:21# Do the Pachacuti
0:26:23 > 0:26:24# Do the Pachacuti
0:26:26 > 0:26:28# Pachacuti!
0:26:28 > 0:26:29INSTRUMENTAL BREAK
0:26:33 > 0:26:36# Once on a hillside, my troops hid
0:26:36 > 0:26:39# To cause a rife old strife
0:26:39 > 0:26:43# And when they jumped out it looked like
0:26:43 > 0:26:45# The ground had come to life
0:26:45 > 0:26:46Boo!
0:26:46 > 0:26:49# The rocks, they are my warriors
0:26:49 > 0:26:51# I then used to boast
0:26:52 > 0:26:55# And that little lie helped us win wars
0:26:55 > 0:26:58# But violence helped the most
0:27:00 > 0:27:01# Do the Pachacuti
0:27:03 > 0:27:05# Do the Pachacuti
0:27:06 > 0:27:08# Do the Pachacuti
0:27:09 > 0:27:11# Pachacuti!
0:27:11 > 0:27:14# If you were a rival chief
0:27:14 > 0:27:16# We'd kill you first, and then
0:27:16 > 0:27:20# We'd stuff you like a scarecrow
0:27:20 > 0:27:22# But one for scaring men
0:27:22 > 0:27:23Argh!
0:27:23 > 0:27:26# Then we'd rest your bony fingers on
0:27:26 > 0:27:28# The stretched skin of your belly
0:27:29 > 0:27:32# And in the breeze they'd tap that tum
0:27:32 > 0:27:34# Like a drummer - but more smelly
0:27:37 > 0:27:39# Do the Pachacuti
0:27:40 > 0:27:41# Do the Pachacuti
0:27:43 > 0:27:44# Do the Pachacuti
0:27:47 > 0:27:49# Pachacuti! #
0:27:52 > 0:27:55Want to travel through the time sewers with me?
0:27:55 > 0:27:58Then play Horrible Histories Terrible Treasures!
0:27:58 > 0:28:02Go to the CBBC website, and click on Horrible Histories.
0:28:02 > 0:28:04Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd