0:00:02 > 0:00:03# Terrible Tudors Gorgeous Georgians
0:00:03 > 0:00:04# Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians
0:00:04 > 0:00:07# Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights
0:00:07 > 0:00:09# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians
0:00:09 > 0:00:12# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times
0:00:12 > 0:00:13# Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless
0:00:13 > 0:00:15# Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless
0:00:15 > 0:00:18# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages
0:00:18 > 0:00:20# Gory stories, we do that
0:00:20 > 0:00:23# And your host, a talking rat
0:00:23 > 0:00:27# The past is no longer a mystery Welcome to...
0:00:27 > 0:00:32# Horrible Histories. #
0:00:35 > 0:00:38Us pirates stole anything thought valuable.
0:00:38 > 0:00:43Gold coins, jewellery, silk cloth, medicines, maps, sugar.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45That's right, sugar!
0:00:45 > 0:00:48But in 1713, one pirate stole something
0:00:48 > 0:00:50even more unusual that that.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52Ha, ha, ha!
0:00:52 > 0:00:57Swab the deck! This time I've excelled myself, Fisher.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59I mean, other pirates have got it all wrong.
0:00:59 > 0:01:02Why risk life and limb attacking ships on the high seas...
0:01:02 > 0:01:06..When you can just steal a herd of cows from a field on dry land?
0:01:06 > 0:01:08COW MOOS
0:01:08 > 0:01:12Captain Basil Hood, pirate extraordinaire!
0:01:12 > 0:01:14Go and check on the cows, will you?
0:01:14 > 0:01:17- Aye-aye, Captain.- We'll sell these cows for huge profit.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19This is, quite simply, my best plan ever.
0:01:19 > 0:01:23The cows seem to be a bit seasick, sir.
0:01:23 > 0:01:24Seasick?!
0:01:24 > 0:01:26Yep, there's a lot of spewing going on down there.
0:01:26 > 0:01:29I've got vomit on the walls, vomit on the ceiling...
0:01:29 > 0:01:31- Got some vomit on me. - HE GAGS
0:01:31 > 0:01:33And the stench is...
0:01:33 > 0:01:35Oh, no! HE VOMITS
0:01:36 > 0:01:39- Well, go clean it up, man! - Aye-aye, Captain!
0:01:39 > 0:01:43OK, maybe this wasn't my best plan ever.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46It's no good sir, there's just too much of it.
0:01:46 > 0:01:47HE GAGS
0:01:47 > 0:01:50It's like an erupting volcano of vomit down there.
0:01:50 > 0:01:53I can't take this much...longer.
0:01:53 > 0:01:54What are we going to do?
0:01:54 > 0:01:58Over there, sir! On the horizon - the Navy!
0:01:58 > 0:02:00If they see us, they'll arrest us!
0:02:01 > 0:02:04BOTH: Over here! We're over here!
0:02:07 > 0:02:11Pirate Basil Hood, I'm arresting you for being a pirate.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13Do you surrender to the English Navy?
0:02:13 > 0:02:15I do, I do, thank you very much.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18Now, please can you take us on your nice, clean ship?
0:02:18 > 0:02:21- COW MOOS - What was that?- Nothing!
0:02:21 > 0:02:26Just ignore it. We'll board your ship now and surrender at once, come on.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28Stop! I definitely heard something.
0:02:28 > 0:02:32- That was Fisher's stomach, wasn't it, Fisher?- Oh, er... Moo, er...
0:02:32 > 0:02:36That smell! What's that terrible, awful smell?
0:02:37 > 0:02:39- It's... - MUFFLED MOOING
0:02:39 > 0:02:42My word! There's cattle down here!
0:02:42 > 0:02:47And they're puking and spewing and spewing and puking!
0:02:47 > 0:02:49- HE GAGS - Oh!
0:02:50 > 0:02:53HE VOMITS
0:02:53 > 0:02:56This ship is disgusting! We're leaving.
0:02:56 > 0:02:59And you, Hood, you're free to go. Take your vomit ship with you.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02No! No, please don't leave. Please!
0:03:02 > 0:03:04Abandon ship!
0:03:04 > 0:03:05Oh!
0:03:05 > 0:03:09Next time, let's just stick to stealing treasure.
0:03:09 > 0:03:13THEY VOMIT
0:03:13 > 0:03:17Oh! All those puking cows are making me feel quite sick.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19HE GAGS
0:03:19 > 0:03:21But it doesn't matter how sick I feel.
0:03:21 > 0:03:25I'm still not going to go and see a pirate doctor.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40Ooh, you poor thing. That looks nasty.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42I'm sure it's nothing to worry about.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44I'll see if there's a doctor.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46ARR! Morning, nurse!
0:03:46 > 0:03:48Morning. And you are?
0:03:48 > 0:03:51One-eyed Ned, pirate extraordinaire. I've got my chest here,
0:03:51 > 0:03:54full of the finest pirate medicines. Arr. Sea water,
0:03:54 > 0:03:56Hemlock!
0:03:56 > 0:04:00- That's poisonous, isn't it?- Only if I don't read the instructions,
0:04:00 > 0:04:02which I probably won't, cos they're in Latin,
0:04:02 > 0:04:05and I can't read anyway. Arr.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08Right, let's have a look at you, me young swabbie. Arr.
0:04:08 > 0:04:09Touch of scurvy, eh?
0:04:09 > 0:04:13Arr, well, there's not much a bit of blood-letting won't cure!
0:04:13 > 0:04:15Removes all the toxins, so it does.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17But I've just got a cut on my leg!
0:04:17 > 0:04:19Argh! Why didn't you say so?
0:04:19 > 0:04:21Oh, we'll have it off in no time.
0:04:21 > 0:04:22- Off?!- Yeah.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25You don't want a rotten leg aboard a ship, do ya?
0:04:25 > 0:04:26But it's only a little cut!
0:04:26 > 0:04:31Well, better safe than sorry. Trust me, I'm a carpenter.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33A carpenter? I thought you said you were a doctor.
0:04:33 > 0:04:38We had a doctor, but he died! He mostly just sawed off limbs anyway.
0:04:38 > 0:04:44And I'm the ship's carpenter, so I know me ways about a saw.
0:04:44 > 0:04:45Say "arr".
0:04:45 > 0:04:46Argh!
0:04:46 > 0:04:48Arr! Ah-ha-arr!
0:04:48 > 0:04:50- Argh!- You're a chatty one, ain't ya?
0:04:50 > 0:04:54Isn't there anything to ease the pain, any anaesthetic?
0:04:54 > 0:04:57- I never heard of 'em.- Ooh, rum, maybe?- Don't mind if I do!
0:05:01 > 0:05:05Not so fast, laddie! Better see if he survives first.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07No good wasting good rum on the dead.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11Nurse, the leg.
0:05:11 > 0:05:12Almost finished.
0:05:12 > 0:05:16All we've got to do now is seal the wound.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18- With stitches and a clean dressing?- NO!
0:05:18 > 0:05:20With a load of hot tar.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22- Arr.- Argh!
0:05:22 > 0:05:24Oh!
0:05:24 > 0:05:27Oh! Good thinking, Nurse!
0:05:27 > 0:05:29Arr-ha-harr!
0:05:31 > 0:05:33Here's your new leg.
0:05:33 > 0:05:34Arr.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46Hello and welcome to World War II Art Show.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49Today, we're joined by General Peregrine Thorogood
0:05:49 > 0:05:51from the British Army.
0:05:51 > 0:05:52Carry on.
0:05:52 > 0:05:55Right. I was going to, so...
0:05:55 > 0:05:58This week, we're going to be making models of Allied tanks,
0:05:58 > 0:06:02the kind that Peregrine here actually used during the Second World War.
0:06:02 > 0:06:05In fact, here's one I made earlier.
0:06:05 > 0:06:06Gosh.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09Ours were just like this, except bigger.
0:06:09 > 0:06:13- And not made of cardboard, obviously! - No, no, ours were made of cardboard.
0:06:13 > 0:06:14Sorry?
0:06:14 > 0:06:17Yes, yes. Cardboard, rubber, bits of wood. All sorts of things.
0:06:17 > 0:06:21Why on earth would you make tanks out of cardboard and rubber and things?
0:06:21 > 0:06:23I thought you might ask me that.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26Allow me to introduce my top military advisor,
0:06:26 > 0:06:30the amazing Jasper Maskelyne!
0:06:31 > 0:06:36Jasper Maskelyne, master of illusion, at your service.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40Mister Maskelyne was the Army's official magician.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42Why on Earth did the Army need a magician?
0:06:42 > 0:06:47Who better to fool the Germans than a master of illusion?
0:06:49 > 0:06:53- Keep it.- Yes, you see, the Germans were spying on us from their planes.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55They could see where our guns and tanks were
0:06:55 > 0:06:57and work out our next move.
0:06:57 > 0:07:02But! What if the tanks and guns they saw weren't tanks and guns at all?
0:07:02 > 0:07:06What if it was just...an illusion?
0:07:06 > 0:07:08Fly, Cornelius, be free!
0:07:11 > 0:07:15Oh, I see. So, you built cardboard tanks to fool the German planes.
0:07:15 > 0:07:18Precisely! We even put tanks on top of jeeps and drove them around
0:07:18 > 0:07:20to make it look like the tanks were moving.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22- So it was all just...- ..An illusion.
0:07:22 > 0:07:26- Is this your card?- Well, I didn't actually...- Take the card.
0:07:26 > 0:07:27OK.
0:07:27 > 0:07:30Yes, these sort of tactics helped us win the war.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32On D-Day, when we wanted Hitler to think
0:07:32 > 0:07:36we were invading France from Dover, we built an entire fake army.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38We even had fake, wooden planes.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40- Like this one.- Oh, right.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42Doesn't look much like a plane from here.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45Not from the ground, maybe. But from the air...
0:07:45 > 0:07:47Oh, I see. Very clever.
0:07:47 > 0:07:50And the Americans brought an entire inflatable army.
0:07:50 > 0:07:54You could say I was the first general to blow up his own army!
0:07:54 > 0:07:59THEY LAUGH
0:07:59 > 0:08:01I don't really get the joke.
0:08:01 > 0:08:02Well, there we have it.
0:08:02 > 0:08:06It turns out that cardboard tanks and wooden planes
0:08:06 > 0:08:08could really be used to help win a war.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10That's all we have time for this week.
0:08:10 > 0:08:14So a big thanks to my guests, General Peregrine Thorogood
0:08:14 > 0:08:16- and...- And me, Jasper Maskelyne,
0:08:16 > 0:08:18master of illusion!
0:08:20 > 0:08:21Good heavens! Where has he gone?!
0:08:21 > 0:08:25- Well, he's clearly just down there, isn't he?- Why would you do that?
0:08:25 > 0:08:27- Why would you...?- It's not magic,
0:08:27 > 0:08:31- you've just gone below the desk. - You've just ruined it for everyone.
0:08:32 > 0:08:36That's true. Cardboard and glue helped us win the war.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38And paper and string was pretty useful too.
0:08:38 > 0:08:43Poor wartime families used to wrap their children up in brown paper
0:08:43 > 0:08:44to keep them snug and warm.
0:08:44 > 0:08:48Now, what could possibly go wrong with that?
0:08:49 > 0:08:50Hello, darling, I'm home.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53Hello, love. Did you remember to send that parcel?
0:08:53 > 0:08:55Yes, of course I did, darling.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58And have you seen Timmy? I've no idea where he's gone.
0:08:58 > 0:09:00He was here earlier, playing with his teddy.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04Ah. Yes, I think I know what's happened.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10Darling, I'm just popping back to the post office.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12Yes.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14At least I marked him "fragile".
0:09:28 > 0:09:32# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths They're funny cos they're true
0:09:32 > 0:09:38# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths Hope next time it's not you! #
0:09:38 > 0:09:39Next!
0:09:39 > 0:09:42Phoo-wee!
0:09:42 > 0:09:46Urgh, who are you, Captain Stinky of the Stinky People?
0:09:46 > 0:09:49Heraclitus, Ancient Greek philosopher.
0:09:49 > 0:09:53Oh, what, "I stink, therefore I am"? HE LAUGHS
0:09:53 > 0:09:55So, how did you die, Stinkitus?
0:09:55 > 0:09:57Heraclitus!
0:09:57 > 0:09:58Whatever.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01In my old age, I developed an illness called dropsy.
0:10:01 > 0:10:04Which is where your body swells up with excess water.
0:10:04 > 0:10:08- But I did invent an original cure. - I can tell this is going to be good.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11Everybody knows water evaporates when heated.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13So I figured if I just stayed somewhere hot,
0:10:13 > 0:10:15then the excess water would evaporate away.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17And what's a ready source of heat?
0:10:17 > 0:10:19Ooh! HE MIMICS BUZZER
0:10:19 > 0:10:21Fire! The sun! An oven?
0:10:21 > 0:10:22Cow dung.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24HE LAUGHS
0:10:24 > 0:10:25Even better!
0:10:25 > 0:10:27- Go on.- Yeah.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29So, I jumped into a big pile of cow dung
0:10:29 > 0:10:33and I buried myself up to my neck in it.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36Ah! Hence the "phoo-wee".
0:10:36 > 0:10:38But, unfortunately, I forgot to bring any water,
0:10:38 > 0:10:41so I just got hotter and hotter and...
0:10:41 > 0:10:44- Yes?- And eventually died from heat exhaustion.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47HE LAUGHS
0:10:48 > 0:10:51You were baked alive in a giant cow pat!
0:10:51 > 0:10:54Your cure stinks and so do you, Stinkitus!
0:10:54 > 0:10:55Heraclitus!
0:10:55 > 0:10:56Whatever!
0:10:56 > 0:10:59- You're through to the afterlife, off you go.- Am I?
0:10:59 > 0:11:01Get out before I change my mind.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03Sorry.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05Phoo-wee!
0:11:05 > 0:11:08Sometimes I love this job. I do, I do!
0:11:08 > 0:11:14# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths Hope next time it's not you. #
0:11:14 > 0:11:18The Ancient Greeks believed that the dead went to the underworld.
0:11:38 > 0:11:42Yes, the Greeks had some very strange beliefs.
0:11:42 > 0:11:45Evil spirits, what a nightmare!
0:11:45 > 0:11:47You know what I'm on about.
0:11:47 > 0:11:51I mean, keeping your ancestors' dead bodies in a jar is great.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53But what happens if their spirits escape?
0:11:54 > 0:11:56Oh, clumsy!
0:11:56 > 0:12:00Before you know it, an evil spirit has entered your house
0:12:00 > 0:12:03and started spreading illness and disease.
0:12:03 > 0:12:04That's why you need...
0:12:07 > 0:12:11Give the doorframe a nice, thick coat of yucky, sticky tar.
0:12:12 > 0:12:16Then just watch as those evil spirits get stuck to it,
0:12:16 > 0:12:19again and again and again.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21Tackle your demons with...
0:12:33 > 0:12:36We Ancient Greeks were quite superstitious.
0:12:36 > 0:12:41We believed in ghosts and horoscopes and that the gods decided our fate.
0:12:41 > 0:12:45We thought the gods spoke through oracles
0:12:45 > 0:12:48and so we could learn about the future.
0:12:50 > 0:12:51Hi.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57How may I help you, my son?
0:12:57 > 0:13:01Hello. Um, I'm mean to seek counsel from the Oracle of Delphi.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03Ah, you wish to know the future.
0:13:03 > 0:13:07Well, I'm Aeschylus the playwright. You might recognise me.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10Well, anyway, I've just written a new play
0:13:10 > 0:13:13and I just want to know if it's going to be a success or not.
0:13:13 > 0:13:16Ah, well. Don't you worry. 'Tis the oracle's greatest pleasure
0:13:16 > 0:13:19to relieve the good people of Greece of the burden of uncertainty.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22Excellent. Great. Is it just through here?
0:13:22 > 0:13:24There are certain administrative expenses
0:13:24 > 0:13:27associated with the management of a good oracle...
0:13:27 > 0:13:28Yes, of course.
0:13:28 > 0:13:29There we go.
0:13:29 > 0:13:33There's water and heating. Funds.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35OK, um...
0:13:35 > 0:13:38And there's temple maintenance as well.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41- Have you noticed the roof?- OK.
0:13:42 > 0:13:46- The oracle awaits you. - Thank you.- Enter.
0:13:58 > 0:13:59Oh, great and wise oracle.
0:13:59 > 0:14:04Will you please ask the god Apollo what the Fates have in store for me?
0:14:08 > 0:14:10Daaa! Wa-da,
0:14:10 > 0:14:14Doo-ba-da, dah, doo-ra, da-da. Hah.
0:14:14 > 0:14:18The oracle speaks in the strange language of the gods.
0:14:18 > 0:14:21But we do provide a translation service.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23- Really?- At a very reasonable price.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25Yeah, OK.
0:14:25 > 0:14:27Yes. Thank you.
0:14:27 > 0:14:30She says you will spend a lot of money.
0:14:31 > 0:14:32That is what I'm doing now.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35I want to know what's going to happen in the future.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38Is my play going to be a success? Will you...?
0:14:39 > 0:14:43Wai, da-da-da, goo-da-doh. Ah!
0:14:43 > 0:14:46Do-dah-doh, ba-da, doh-doh. Dahhh.
0:14:47 > 0:14:50Do you require additional translation services?
0:14:50 > 0:14:52Unbe... Yeah. Right.
0:14:53 > 0:14:56She says, "Beware the tortoise".
0:14:56 > 0:14:59Really(?) Beware the tortoise.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01Well, I could lie, but...
0:15:01 > 0:15:03That's good. That's really excellent, actually(!)
0:15:03 > 0:15:06- Don't shoot the messenger, mate. - Thanks for nothing.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09Ohh, dah-DA, bah, dah. Doh-ba-dah!
0:15:09 > 0:15:11Yeah, same to you.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16Da-ba-da! DA-BA-DA-DA!
0:15:16 > 0:15:20WA-DA! Honestly. He didn't even leave a tip!
0:15:20 > 0:15:24Ridiculous. What was I thinking? Beware the tortoise! It's absolute...
0:15:28 > 0:15:31Oh, she's good. She's...
0:15:32 > 0:15:34It's true. Aeschylus really WAS killed
0:15:34 > 0:15:37when an eagle dropped a tortoise on his head.
0:15:37 > 0:15:39The bird thought his shiny bald patch was a rock
0:15:39 > 0:15:43and tried to use it smash open the tortoise's shell.
0:15:43 > 0:15:47And that's the story of the tortoise and the no-hair.
0:15:47 > 0:15:49"Boo, get 'im off!"
0:15:49 > 0:15:51Even I'm heckling myself.
0:15:56 > 0:16:00After the English Civil War, Oliver Cromwell ruled England.
0:16:00 > 0:16:03And he disapproved of just about anything fun.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08# On the first day of Christmas, my true love sent to me... #
0:16:08 > 0:16:10Cousin Ollie! Merry Christmas, old bean!
0:16:10 > 0:16:13Oh, relatives. How did you get past the guards?
0:16:13 > 0:16:16We just thought we'd pop by to wish you a very merry Christmas.
0:16:16 > 0:16:19- Merry Christmas!- I'm a Puritan, I don't celebrate Christmas.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21In fact, I've had it banned.
0:16:21 > 0:16:25Well, you won't say no to a spot of Christmas dinner, will you?
0:16:25 > 0:16:27- We brought you a goose!- Guards!
0:16:27 > 0:16:30- What are you doing?- Christmas dinner is banned, it's sinful.
0:16:30 > 0:16:35I've ordered the army to confiscate all roast geese. Guards!
0:16:35 > 0:16:38Whoa, whoa! We'll lose the goose, we'll lose the goose.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41It's fine. Why don't we all go down to the pub or something?
0:16:41 > 0:16:45- Guards!- What now? - Pubs are banned, they are sinful.
0:16:45 > 0:16:47Fine, fine. Why don't we all go to the theatre?
0:16:47 > 0:16:50- Guards!- Let me guess - banned.- Yes!
0:16:50 > 0:16:52- It's sinful!- All right,
0:16:52 > 0:16:55all right, why don't we have a festive kick-about in the park?
0:16:55 > 0:16:56- Guards!- What?
0:16:56 > 0:16:59- You can't sport, it's...- ..Sinful!
0:17:00 > 0:17:02You have to understand, these frivolous events
0:17:02 > 0:17:05distract us Puritans from our devotion to Christ.
0:17:05 > 0:17:08Well, we have to do something. Lucy's all made up.
0:17:09 > 0:17:10With make-up?
0:17:11 > 0:17:13- Yes.- Guards!
0:17:13 > 0:17:14Oh, come on.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17Make-up is sinful! Especially that eye shadow with that top.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19- What?- Nothing.- Wait a minute.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22I've got it! Why don't we all go to church? I mean,
0:17:22 > 0:17:24church isn't sinful, is it?
0:17:24 > 0:17:26No, of course not.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28Well, let's all go to church!
0:17:28 > 0:17:29Guard! Seize them.
0:17:29 > 0:17:33It's against the law to go to church on Christmas Day.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35Take these sinners to prison.
0:17:35 > 0:17:36- But...!- What?
0:17:36 > 0:17:37Wait.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39Yes?
0:17:40 > 0:17:41Happy Christmas.
0:17:41 > 0:17:42Oh.
0:17:42 > 0:17:44Now lock 'em up and throw away the key!
0:17:46 > 0:17:50Oliver Cromwell really did ban pretty much anything that was fun.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52Even Christmas, yeah!
0:17:52 > 0:17:55Though secretly, he still liked music and smoking.
0:17:55 > 0:17:59So Christmas was sinful, but smoking was OK.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01What a weirdo!
0:18:01 > 0:18:05No wonder everybody wanted the King back on the throne.
0:18:05 > 0:18:06# My name is
0:18:06 > 0:18:08# My name is
0:18:08 > 0:18:09# My name is Charles II
0:18:09 > 0:18:12# I love the people And the people love me
0:18:12 > 0:18:15# So much that they restored The English monarchy
0:18:15 > 0:18:17# I'm part Scottish, French, Italian A little bit Dane
0:18:17 > 0:18:20# But 100% party animal Champagne?
0:18:20 > 0:18:23# Spaniels I adore Named after me too
0:18:23 > 0:18:25# Like me, they were fun With a natty hairdo
0:18:25 > 0:18:28# Is today my birthday? I can't recall
0:18:28 > 0:18:30# Let's have a party anyway Because I love a masked ball
0:18:30 > 0:18:34# All hail the King of Bling
0:18:34 > 0:18:38# Let's sing, bells ring, ding, ding
0:18:38 > 0:18:41# I'm the king who brought back partying
0:18:41 > 0:18:43# King Charles, my daddy, lost his throne and kings were banned
0:18:43 > 0:18:46# They chopped off his head Then Ollie Cromwell ruled the land
0:18:46 > 0:18:49# Old Ollie wasn't jolly He was glum and he was proud
0:18:49 > 0:18:51# He was miserable as sin Only sinning's not allowed
0:18:51 > 0:18:53# When Ollie died, the people said,
0:18:53 > 0:18:54# "Charlie, me hearty
0:18:54 > 0:18:57# "Get rid of his dull laws Come back, we'd rather party"
0:18:57 > 0:18:59# This action's what they call the monarchy restoration
0:18:59 > 0:19:02# Which naturally was followed by a huge celebration
0:19:02 > 0:19:07# The King of England say No sin to sing
0:19:07 > 0:19:10# Or anything All say
0:19:10 > 0:19:12# I'm the king who brought back partying
0:19:12 > 0:19:14# The Great London Fire was a whopper
0:19:14 > 0:19:16# In my reign London City came a cropper
0:19:16 > 0:19:18# So this King did what was right and proper
0:19:18 > 0:19:20# For the Fire proved I'm more than a bopper
0:19:20 > 0:19:23# I'm a fire stopper
0:19:23 > 0:19:25# Married Catherine Braganza She was a love so true
0:19:25 > 0:19:28# There would never be another Well, maybe one or two
0:19:28 > 0:19:31# Lucy Walter, Nell Gwynn, Moll Davis, Barbara Villiers
0:19:31 > 0:19:33# You think that's bad, but her name's not as silly as...
0:19:33 > 0:19:35# ..Hortense Mancini
0:19:35 > 0:19:38# As king, I must admit I broke the wedding rules
0:19:38 > 0:19:41# But who cares when I brought back the Crown Jewels?
0:19:41 > 0:19:44# I reinstated Christmas, make-up, sport and even plays
0:19:44 > 0:19:46# I was the Merrie Monarch They were good old days
0:19:46 > 0:19:51# When said and done King Charles did run
0:19:51 > 0:19:54# England for fun
0:19:54 > 0:19:57# I was the king loved by everyone My song is done. #
0:19:57 > 0:19:59Party, anyone?
0:20:14 > 0:20:17In fact, she married two of her brothers,
0:20:17 > 0:20:20dated one Roman general and married another.
0:20:20 > 0:20:23All of whom came to sticky ends.
0:20:23 > 0:20:27So, basically Cleo was a real love rat.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29And not in a good way.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32Getting close to Cleo was a dangerous business.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34If Ancient Egyptians had had the internet,
0:20:34 > 0:20:37you wouldn't have wanted to be her online friend. Just imagine!
0:20:46 > 0:20:50Mark Antony has accepted me as a friend on Mummy-bo.
0:20:50 > 0:20:54Excellent! "Thanks for the add...
0:20:54 > 0:20:55"smiley hieroglyphic."
0:20:55 > 0:20:58- PHONE RINGS - It's him!
0:20:59 > 0:21:02Hail Queen Cleopatra!
0:21:02 > 0:21:03Hail yourself!
0:21:03 > 0:21:06I was just looking at your Mummy-bo profile
0:21:06 > 0:21:09and I couldn't help but notice you haven't got many friends.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12Well, I did have my sister, Pharaoh Cleopatra VI,
0:21:12 > 0:21:14but she died in suspicious circumstances.
0:21:14 > 0:21:19And my other sister, Pharaoh Berenice IV, but she was executed.
0:21:19 > 0:21:24Then there were my half-brothers, Pharaoh Ptolemy XIII, drowned,
0:21:24 > 0:21:27and Pharaoh Ptolemy XIV, poisoned.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29Sounds like being on the throne in Egypt
0:21:29 > 0:21:31is a fairly dangerous job, Cleo.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33Do you never get scared?
0:21:33 > 0:21:35- SHE CHUCKLES - No, no, no, I'll be fine.
0:21:35 > 0:21:39I just need a powerful Roman to stand alongside me.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41What, like Caesar? Didn't you date him?
0:21:41 > 0:21:44- Yeah.- Now he's dead.
0:21:44 > 0:21:45Yeah. About that...
0:21:45 > 0:21:49There's now a vacancy, so do you want to go out with me?
0:21:49 > 0:21:51No-oo.
0:21:51 > 0:21:55Oh, please, please, please! I'll put you on my Top Ten Friends list.
0:21:55 > 0:21:59OK. In for a denarius, in for a sestertius! Ha, ha!
0:21:59 > 0:22:03More like a Top Two Friends list. Who's this other one?
0:22:03 > 0:22:05Oh, yeah, that's my sister, Arsinoe.
0:22:05 > 0:22:09At last, a member of your family who isn't dead.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11Mm. About that...
0:22:11 > 0:22:12Cleo...
0:22:12 > 0:22:15Yeah, the thing is, she's the last threat to my throne,
0:22:15 > 0:22:17so I need to have Arsinoe killed.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20You don't mind if I put your name on the assassination warrant,
0:22:20 > 0:22:22do you? Um...
0:22:22 > 0:22:25- Please, please, please, please! - Oh, OK.
0:22:26 > 0:22:30There we go. Nasty business, but had to be done.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33Now you and me can rule the Egyptian Empire in peace.
0:22:33 > 0:22:34Right, great.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38COMPUTER BEEPS Oh. What was that noise?
0:22:38 > 0:22:40Did something go wrong?
0:22:40 > 0:22:41Oh... Yeah.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44It says there's a problem with the transaction.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47I probably just need to update my PapyrusPal account.
0:22:48 > 0:22:49- Oh.- What?
0:22:49 > 0:22:53- What is it?- Yeah, turns out Arsinoe was on the steps
0:22:53 > 0:22:55of a sacred temple when you murdered her.
0:22:55 > 0:23:00- When- I- murdered her?- Rome is up in arms. We're in big trouble.
0:23:00 > 0:23:03- What are we going to do?- Well, if we want to die with dignity,
0:23:03 > 0:23:07we'll have to kill ourselves before the Roman Army get to us.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10What? Oh, this is most inconvenient.
0:23:10 > 0:23:13- Oh, well, I suppose... - No, no, no, wait!
0:23:13 > 0:23:17I suppose we could pretend to kill ourselves and then just hide.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19Urgh! Now you tell me, Cleo.
0:23:19 > 0:23:23You are literally the worst girlfriend I have ever had.
0:23:23 > 0:23:26And I've had some shockers. Urgh.
0:23:28 > 0:23:33Right. Looks like I'll have to do the same, then. Um...
0:23:33 > 0:23:35I'll get a poisonous snake to bite me.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38I mean, that's probably quite a regal way to go.
0:23:38 > 0:23:41An asp! Perfect.
0:23:41 > 0:23:43How much?
0:23:43 > 0:23:4620 bronze coins for packaging?!
0:23:46 > 0:23:49I suppose it is quite a long tube.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02Welcome back to HHTV Sport,
0:24:02 > 0:24:05bringing you exclusive live sporting events from the past.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08Let's go over to our commentary team live in 1805
0:24:08 > 0:24:10where the sport of boxing
0:24:10 > 0:24:13is about to undergo an incredible transformation.
0:24:15 > 0:24:19Thanks very much. Looks like tonight is going to be a real cracker.
0:24:19 > 0:24:20Let's meet the fighters.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23First up, we've got London's finest,
0:24:23 > 0:24:27the huge, the undefeated Jack "Tough Tom" Holmes.
0:24:27 > 0:24:30Let's take a look at Tough Tom in action.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33He's a real expert at classic Georgian bare-knuckle boxing,
0:24:33 > 0:24:37where two rivals stand stock still and slug it out.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39Yeah!
0:24:39 > 0:24:40Next up it's the newcomer,
0:24:40 > 0:24:43all the way from New York in the USA,
0:24:43 > 0:24:46it's the comparatively smaller Bill Richmond!
0:24:46 > 0:24:48Bill was born a slave in New York, USA,
0:24:48 > 0:24:51and learned his trade, boxing for entertainment,
0:24:51 > 0:24:54- at the Duke of Northumberland's dinner parties.- I have to say,
0:24:54 > 0:24:57he looks a lot smaller than Tough Tom.
0:24:57 > 0:25:00- I think this is going to be carnage. - Certainly looks that way.
0:25:00 > 0:25:02Seconds out, round 1!
0:25:03 > 0:25:06- Oh, and Tough Tom is really fired up for this one.- Oh, I can't watch.
0:25:07 > 0:25:10Hold on, what was that?! It looks like Bill Richmond
0:25:10 > 0:25:13has got out of the way of one of Tough Tom's punches!
0:25:13 > 0:25:15- Is that allowed?!- I guess!
0:25:17 > 0:25:19Oh! He's got out of the way of another one!
0:25:19 > 0:25:22That is extraordinary. Nobody has ever got out of the way
0:25:22 > 0:25:26in the whole history of boxing. When you come to think about it,
0:25:26 > 0:25:29not letting your opponent hit you in the face is not a bad idea.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31He's invented a whole new technique!
0:25:31 > 0:25:33Nobody got out of the way before.
0:25:33 > 0:25:37Probably because their heads were mashed up by all the boxing.
0:25:37 > 0:25:38DONG!
0:25:38 > 0:25:40- Oh!- Oh!- He's floored him!
0:25:40 > 0:25:41He has floored him.
0:25:41 > 0:25:45Oh, and it looks like Jack "Tough Tom" Holmes is out for the count.
0:25:45 > 0:25:46You're out!
0:25:46 > 0:25:49Bill "Get Out Of The Way" Richmond is the winner.
0:25:49 > 0:25:51Back to the studio.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53Of course, the boxing move Bill Richmond invented
0:25:53 > 0:25:56isn't really called "getting out of the way".
0:25:56 > 0:25:58It's now known as the "bob and weave"
0:25:58 > 0:26:00and it's what all boxers do.
0:26:00 > 0:26:02And some hairdressers, come to think of it.
0:26:02 > 0:26:05My mum's got a bob. My dad's got a weave.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07Georgian times could be pretty violent,
0:26:07 > 0:26:09and not just in the boxing ring.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11Thanks to several pupil rebellions,
0:26:11 > 0:26:15even going to school could be a hair-raising experience.
0:26:15 > 0:26:19If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to ask.
0:26:19 > 0:26:23Thank you, Headmaster. How hard will it be for Samuel to get in?
0:26:23 > 0:26:25The examination is straightforward.
0:26:25 > 0:26:28We examine your bank account - if you've got enough money, you're in.
0:26:28 > 0:26:32- What is your attitude to discipline? - Discipline is very important.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34We really, really wish we had some!
0:26:34 > 0:26:36Do not throw stones in the quadrangle!
0:26:36 > 0:26:37GUNSHOTS
0:26:37 > 0:26:40Do not fire pistols at the Headmaster!
0:26:40 > 0:26:42- Just walk this way. - GUNSHOT
0:26:42 > 0:26:45- On second thoughts, run! - What's going on?
0:26:45 > 0:26:48Just a little...high spirits!
0:26:48 > 0:26:50Must be double chemistry!
0:26:50 > 0:26:51GUNSHOT
0:26:51 > 0:26:54- Who's firing pistols? Who's throwing stones?- I'm not sure.
0:26:54 > 0:26:56I think it's Class 5B.
0:26:56 > 0:26:59- Schoolboys?!- Yes. Just a little pupil rebellion.
0:26:59 > 0:27:02- Rebellion?! - Nothing out of the ordinary.
0:27:02 > 0:27:05All the best schools have them. Oi! You there!
0:27:05 > 0:27:08- Yes, I'm looking at you! You're late!- Sorry, sir.
0:27:08 > 0:27:10You're a bit old to be a pupil. Are you a teacher?
0:27:10 > 0:27:12No, Colonel Warwick, British Army.
0:27:12 > 0:27:15Headmaster calls us in when a rebellion gets out of hand.
0:27:15 > 0:27:18They've broken several rules. You may need bayonets.
0:27:18 > 0:27:19Yes, sir.
0:27:19 > 0:27:21BAYONETS!
0:27:21 > 0:27:22Good luck, Colonel!
0:27:22 > 0:27:24EXPLOSION
0:27:26 > 0:27:28Why, that's quite enough of that!
0:27:28 > 0:27:30All of you, see me in my office!
0:27:32 > 0:27:34Ah.
0:27:34 > 0:27:38So! Hands up if you'd like to see the library.
0:27:38 > 0:27:39Yes, please.
0:27:39 > 0:27:43Both hands. If we surrender, they might let us across.
0:27:43 > 0:27:45GUNSHOT
0:27:45 > 0:27:48On second thoughts, why don't I introduce you to Matron?
0:27:50 > 0:27:53# Tall tales, atrocious acts We gave you all the fearsome facts
0:27:53 > 0:27:54# The ugly truth... #
0:27:54 > 0:27:56Want to travel through the time sewers with me?
0:27:56 > 0:27:59Then play Horrible Histories: Terrible Treasures.
0:27:59 > 0:28:03Go to the CBBC website and click on Horrible Histories.
0:28:03 > 0:28:04# ..a mystery
0:28:04 > 0:28:09# Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories. #