0:00:00 > 0:00:04# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians
0:00:04 > 0:00:07# Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights
0:00:07 > 0:00:09# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians
0:00:09 > 0:00:12# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times
0:00:12 > 0:00:15# Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless
0:00:15 > 0:00:18# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages
0:00:18 > 0:00:23# Gory stories, we do that And your host, a talking rat
0:00:23 > 0:00:27# The past is no longer a mystery Welcome to...
0:00:27 > 0:00:32# Horrible Histories. #
0:00:36 > 0:00:40We Romans really could be rotten.
0:00:40 > 0:00:44And there's nothing we liked more than being horrible to Christians.
0:00:45 > 0:00:51Hello! Welcome to I'm A Christian, Get Me Out Of Here!
0:00:51 > 0:00:55So far, Rome has seen Christians stoned to death, beheaded,
0:00:55 > 0:01:00crucified, mauled by boar, bear and leopard and eaten by lions.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02That's what I call Roman entertainment.
0:01:02 > 0:01:07I can hardly wait to find out what happens to today's prisoners.
0:01:07 > 0:01:09Hey, you Christians.
0:01:09 > 0:01:12We've got some really horrible tortures for you today.
0:01:12 > 0:01:17But remember, all you have to do if you want to be freed is shout,
0:01:17 > 0:01:20I'm A Christian, Get Me Out Of Here!
0:01:20 > 0:01:23And you also have to say that our Roman gods
0:01:23 > 0:01:25are better than your one Christian God.
0:01:25 > 0:01:28- Does any of youse want to say that? - No.
0:01:28 > 0:01:31We wont reject our religion.
0:01:31 > 0:01:35Brilliant! I hate it when they give in. No gory stuff.
0:01:35 > 0:01:37Let's find out who's first up.
0:01:37 > 0:01:40Blandina, love. I can tell you...
0:01:40 > 0:01:43..that the next Christian to face a trial
0:01:43 > 0:01:51is not... not... not... not you,
0:01:51 > 0:01:54so it is you! I love doing that.
0:01:54 > 0:01:55- That's cruel. - I know.
0:01:55 > 0:01:58It's not as cruel as your trial,
0:01:58 > 0:02:00which will place you in a huge catapult
0:02:00 > 0:02:03and fling you high above the city.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06- Don't worry, you might survive. - Good.
0:02:06 > 0:02:10If you do, a Roman soldier will finish you off with his sword.
0:02:10 > 0:02:14- That's not fair.- I know! Off you go, pet. Come on, get out.
0:02:14 > 0:02:19After the break, we'll put our next Christian prisoner in this barrel
0:02:19 > 0:02:21and roll him down a hill.
0:02:21 > 0:02:26- That doesn't sound too bad.- Whoops! Did I forget to mention the spikes?
0:02:26 > 0:02:29'I'm a Christian, Get Me Out Of Here!'
0:02:30 > 0:02:32A bit late for that one, Blandina.
0:02:32 > 0:02:37Kids, being a Christian in Rome can seriously damage your health.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42Emperor Nero was particularly nasty to Christians.
0:02:42 > 0:02:46Not surprising when you hear how he treated people
0:02:46 > 0:02:48he was supposed to care about.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53I now pronounce you Emperor and wife.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56Emperor Nero, you may kiss the bride.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58You lucky, lucky thing.
0:02:58 > 0:03:02'He was the man who had everything.
0:03:02 > 0:03:03- 'Land.' - I love you.
0:03:03 > 0:03:07- 'Power.' - Hail me.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10'Grapes. A lot of grapes.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13'And the woman of his dreams.'
0:03:13 > 0:03:16- I love you. - I don't blame you.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19'Then, possibly while shopping for grapes...'
0:03:19 > 0:03:22I'm not paying. My empire, my rules.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24'..He met the woman of his dreams.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29- 'Yes, another one.' - Who is that?
0:03:31 > 0:03:35- D'you wanna go out with me? - Won't your wife mind?
0:03:35 > 0:03:37I shouldn't think so. D'you mind?
0:03:37 > 0:03:39Yes, I mind!
0:03:39 > 0:03:42Hm. You can never second-guess these things.
0:03:42 > 0:03:47'Nero was prepared to do anything to be with the woman he loved.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49'No, no. The other one.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52'Yeah, yeah. That one there.'
0:03:52 > 0:03:57I need a sign! Something to show you love me now, not her!
0:03:57 > 0:04:01Something more than grapes? Because I've got loads of grapes.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04Yes, something more than grapes!
0:04:05 > 0:04:07Right. Er...
0:04:07 > 0:04:13'This summer, one emperor will prove that love is a gift.'
0:04:13 > 0:04:16Darling, it's just what I wanted!
0:04:16 > 0:04:19Your wife's severed head in a basket.
0:04:19 > 0:04:24'Coming soon, the film that puts the Roman in Romantic comedy.'
0:04:24 > 0:04:28- You would never sever my head and put it in a basket, would you?- No!
0:04:29 > 0:04:32- I'll have you kicked to death. - What?- Nothing.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35'Love You To Death.
0:04:35 > 0:04:39'Based on a true story. Rated Unreasonable.'
0:04:39 > 0:04:41It's horrible, but it's true.
0:04:41 > 0:04:46Emperor Nero had his wife's head cut off and sent to his new girlfriend.
0:04:46 > 0:04:50The next Valentine's Day, you may want to stick to flowers.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52Nero wasn't nasty to everyone.
0:04:52 > 0:04:56He was nice to his favourite gladiator, Spiculus.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58'In this week's Ave! magazine -
0:04:58 > 0:05:02'an exclusive interview with the most famous sportsman in Rome,
0:05:02 > 0:05:04'Spiculus the Gladiator!'
0:05:04 > 0:05:08My name's Tiberius Claudius Spiculus. You can call me Spics.
0:05:08 > 0:05:13I used to be a slave. I fought so well in the arena, I won my freedom.
0:05:13 > 0:05:17And Emperor Nero likes me so much, he's given me my own palace.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20'Read how Nero made his favourite gladiator
0:05:20 > 0:05:22'head of his personal-protection force.'
0:05:22 > 0:05:24Only problem is, I'm now so famous,
0:05:24 > 0:05:27I can't go anywhere without being stopped for pictures.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29Over here, Spiculus! Nice!
0:05:29 > 0:05:33'And we've got the pictures the gladiators didn't want you to see.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36'Have you never heard of a Roman bath?
0:05:36 > 0:05:38'Our soothsayer predicts the future
0:05:38 > 0:05:40'by reading the entrails of a chicken.'
0:05:40 > 0:05:46I can safely say it's going to be a bad week... for this chicken.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48'Yes. All the goss, all the pics, all the Roman rumours,
0:05:48 > 0:05:51'only in this week's Ave! magazine.'
0:05:51 > 0:05:55I can safely predict you're going to buy it.
0:05:55 > 0:05:57'Only XCIX denarii.'
0:06:02 > 0:06:07Some of our Middle Ages medical cures would seem pretty strange nowadays.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10Paul? Paul, can you hear me?
0:06:10 > 0:06:13Don't worry. The ambulance is on its way.
0:06:13 > 0:06:17- Make way!- Make way!- Make way! - Historical paramedics.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20- From the hospital?- No, Middle Ages. - What's happened?
0:06:20 > 0:06:23It's my husband. He went all dizzy and passed out.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26- What be his name?- Paul. - Paul, hear ye! Hear ye, Paul!
0:06:26 > 0:06:30- Can you hear me, Paul? - He's fainted. I need a dead chicken.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33What on earth is that going to do?
0:06:33 > 0:06:36- Nothing. It's dead.- It's not the chicken we need, it's the feathers.
0:06:36 > 0:06:41We just burn the ends of them. This should bring him round.
0:06:41 > 0:06:45- It's not working. - Had he shown any other symptoms?
0:06:45 > 0:06:47He hasn't been sleeping too well.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49Sleeplessness? Nigel, treacle.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51- Yes, honey? - Get the treacle.
0:06:51 > 0:06:55Don't worry. Treacle is our latest cure for sleeplessness.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57Hang on. What are those markings?
0:06:57 > 0:07:01Could be bruising from the fall. I'll cut the flour and bacon fat.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03- What? - Hang on. They're blotchy.
0:07:03 > 0:07:07Skin disease. No! I'm all out of wolf skin.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09Where be a wolf? Where be a wolf?!
0:07:09 > 0:07:12- This might work. - It looks like ringworm.- I concur.
0:07:12 > 0:07:16There's one thing for it. Man-child, do you want to be a gallant hero?
0:07:16 > 0:07:21Wee on his head! Nothing cures ringworm like a boy's-wee hair wash.
0:07:21 > 0:07:25He's not weeing on my husband's head! You're not weeing on him!
0:07:25 > 0:07:30I always carry a fresh jar of boy's urine just in case.
0:07:35 > 0:07:39- Paul! - I'm OK. I do need a shower, though.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42- Our work here is done.- Do you mind filling this while we're here?
0:07:42 > 0:07:44Stop it. Don't...!
0:07:44 > 0:07:46SIREN WAILS It sounds like a proper ambulance.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48- We must flee this place! - Make haste!
0:07:55 > 0:07:57Ian? Bring the cleanup kit.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00Those historical ones have been here.
0:08:01 > 0:08:04'Those were all real treatments.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25'They actually believed it would work.
0:08:25 > 0:08:29'But back then, they believed some very weird things.'
0:08:34 > 0:08:37Greetings, horror hounds.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40I am Vincenzo Larfoff.
0:08:40 > 0:08:44And this week's scary story is from the Middle Ages.
0:08:44 > 0:08:48It's called, The Children of Woolpit.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52It was 1173.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54An especially eerie yearie.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57When the small village of Woolpit in the county of Suffolk
0:08:57 > 0:09:01was invaded by creatures from another world.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04- EERIE INSTRUMENTAL - Indeed.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06One day, two aliens appeared in the village.
0:09:06 > 0:09:10These aliens had taken the form of two children - a boy and a girl.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12But their skin was bright green
0:09:12 > 0:09:15and they spoke in a strange alien language.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18HE SPEAKS GIBBERISH
0:09:19 > 0:09:21Or something.
0:09:21 > 0:09:25Yes, the villagers of Woolpit were terrified.
0:09:25 > 0:09:27These green-skinned aliens demanded to be fed.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30But what they ate was truly chilling.
0:09:30 > 0:09:34Something no real human child would eat without being forced.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37Yes! Vegetables!
0:09:37 > 0:09:41And then, quite without warning, the boy alien dropped down dead.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43SCREAM / THUD!
0:09:43 > 0:09:47And the girl alien? That's the strangest part of all.
0:09:47 > 0:09:52She became a part-time domestic servant.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58A-hem! It turned out that these children
0:09:58 > 0:10:00were not from Mars or Venus.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03They were from... Belgium!
0:10:05 > 0:10:08They were orphans, the children of Belgian cloth makers?
0:10:08 > 0:10:12Their skin was green because of the dye the parents used on the cloth.
0:10:12 > 0:10:16They'd lived in the woods so long, they only recognised vegetation.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18The boy died of malnutrition, the girl grew up
0:10:18 > 0:10:21and went to work for a local knight?
0:10:21 > 0:10:23This is not a scary story, is it?
0:10:23 > 0:10:25It's a boring story with a weird beginning.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28That isn't the same thing. Why am I here?
0:10:28 > 0:10:31I grew a goatee for this. It's unbelievable.
0:10:31 > 0:10:35I'm going to my dressing room. There had better be doughnuts.
0:10:39 > 0:10:43Ancient Greece was divided into different city states.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46The people of Athens thought us Spartans were pretty brutal.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49But some of the things they did were just as bad.
0:10:52 > 0:10:56Come on, Adelphus, you're gonna be late for school again!
0:10:56 > 0:11:00- Now, have you got everything?- Yes. - Have you got your stylus?- A-huh.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03- Your wax tablet?- Yep. - Your pitta bread for lunch?- Yeah.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06- Haven't you forgotten something? - Um,... no.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08Your slave! Slave?
0:11:08 > 0:11:11Oh, Dad, do I have to take him?
0:11:11 > 0:11:15Yes. I bought him especially to beat you when you misbehave in class.
0:11:15 > 0:11:17- Oh! - All the other kids have got one.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20- Ha! - Shut it, you!
0:11:20 > 0:11:22- Ow! - He's only doing his job.
0:11:22 > 0:11:26- Now, Athena, have you got everything you need for school?- Eh?
0:11:26 > 0:11:29Ha! Sorry. I'm only joking.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32Like I'm gonna send a girl to school. It's pointless!
0:11:32 > 0:11:35Pfft! Ow!
0:11:35 > 0:11:39Oh, you are good! Oh! Actually, he's got maths this afternoon.
0:11:39 > 0:11:42You might need the big stick. You know what he's like.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44Go on, then, get off to school!
0:11:45 > 0:11:50Kids! You can't beat 'em. So to speak.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53It's true. In the Ancient Greek city of Athens,
0:11:53 > 0:11:55boys took a slave to school with them
0:11:55 > 0:11:58to make sure they were behaving in class.
0:11:58 > 0:12:02I have no idea how they fitted the slave in their satchel, though.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05Ow! Alright, I'll behave!
0:12:05 > 0:12:08Mind you, if you think Athens sounds bad,
0:12:08 > 0:12:11you wouldn't have wanted to go to school in Sparta.
0:12:11 > 0:12:15Hey! All you Helots, you Zealots,
0:12:15 > 0:12:17you Peloponnesians, you Lacedaemons,
0:12:17 > 0:12:20all of Leonidas' army, let's get barmy
0:12:20 > 0:12:23for the Spartan School Musical!
0:12:23 > 0:12:25ALL: Go, Spartan!
0:12:26 > 0:12:28UPBEAT INSTRUMENTAL
0:12:28 > 0:12:30Whoo!
0:12:31 > 0:12:34Come on!
0:12:38 > 0:12:40# Today I'm starting high school where boys are turned to men
0:12:40 > 0:12:44# I've packed my sword and shield We don't use paper and pen
0:12:44 > 0:12:46- # Everyone's a jock here - # We don't have Spartan nerds
0:12:46 > 0:12:49# The weedy kids were left to die as breakfast for the birds
0:12:49 > 0:12:52# We're taught to love a fight We're taught not to be meek
0:12:52 > 0:12:55# And if we're good, they feed us three square meals every week
0:12:55 > 0:12:58# Let's go fighting Now, fighting is exciting
0:12:58 > 0:13:01# Now, rocking at the Spartan School
0:13:01 > 0:13:03- Come on! - Whoo!
0:13:05 > 0:13:08# At Spartan kindergarten I'm the boss that's understood
0:13:08 > 0:13:11# I smack 'em if they're naughty I thwack 'em if they're good
0:13:11 > 0:13:15# I'm feeling rather peckish I'm gonna steal some food
0:13:15 > 0:13:17# I'll have to punish you ungrateful Spartan brood
0:13:17 > 0:13:20# We promise not to steal We're not the thieving sort
0:13:20 > 0:13:23# Stealing is considered good what's wrong is getting caught
0:13:23 > 0:13:26# Let's get beatin' now learn lies and cheatin' now
0:13:26 > 0:13:28# Rollin' at the Spartan School
0:13:30 > 0:13:33# We have a bunch of contests to see who is the best
0:13:33 > 0:13:36# The meanest, meanest toughest, roughest Spartan contest
0:13:36 > 0:13:39# This one is my favourite game lashings of good fun
0:13:39 > 0:13:42Didn't feel a thing! I want my mum.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44# We pass our last exam then it's Spartan graduation
0:13:44 > 0:13:48# Straightaway we go to work no time for celebration
0:13:48 > 0:13:50# Ten years' active service in the army, no diversion
0:13:50 > 0:13:54# There's only one job for a Spartan Killing loads of Persians
0:13:54 > 0:13:56# Wondering about love? It's banned until you're 30
0:13:56 > 0:13:59# High school doesn't teach romance it teaches fighting dirty
0:13:59 > 0:14:02# Let's go fightin' now Fightin' is exciting now
0:14:02 > 0:14:04# Rockin' at the Spartan School
0:14:04 > 0:14:06# Let's get beatin' now learn lies and cheatin' now
0:14:06 > 0:14:10# Rollin' at the Spartan School. #
0:14:14 > 0:14:17We Tudors were all terrified of Henry VIII.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19No-one wanted to give him bad news.
0:14:19 > 0:14:23In fact, there was only one person who could get away with it.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28- Sir Nicholas? - What news?
0:14:28 > 0:14:30The rumours are true, I'm afraid.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33It would seem the Queen is seeing other men behind the King's back.
0:14:33 > 0:14:37Then it is as we feared. We should inform His Majesty.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39Yes, of course. But you know how his moods are.
0:14:39 > 0:14:43Yes. He does tend to behead the messenger.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46- Indeed.- Then there is only one man for the job.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48Only one man who could break such terrible news
0:14:48 > 0:14:51to His Majesty, King Henry VIII.
0:14:51 > 0:14:53- You don't mean...? - Yes.
0:14:53 > 0:14:57- BOTH: Will Somers. - You called?
0:14:57 > 0:15:00Bum-bum-bum-bum, bum-bum-bum-bum, bum-bum! Pfft!
0:15:00 > 0:15:03Stonk! Hoo-hee! Hoo-hee! Blblblblblb!
0:15:03 > 0:15:05Ho-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-onk!
0:15:05 > 0:15:08So, what seems to be the problem, gentlemen?
0:15:08 > 0:15:09- Catherine Howard. - Another man?
0:15:09 > 0:15:13- Several. - Oh, dear. That is a pickle.- Yes.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16We need to tell the King so he can arrange a divorce or a beheading.
0:15:16 > 0:15:20And you are his favourite jester. Who better to break the bad news?
0:15:20 > 0:15:22This is true. But how?
0:15:22 > 0:15:26This is obviously hugely important, so what do we think?
0:15:26 > 0:15:29Shall I do it as a joke? Or a song?
0:15:29 > 0:15:32Or shall I blurt it out while I'm doing the juggling?
0:15:32 > 0:15:34- You're the expert. - Yes. I am good at this.
0:15:34 > 0:15:37I shall use tact, diplomacy
0:15:37 > 0:15:39and one of these.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42Pffffffffffft!
0:15:42 > 0:15:45Stand aside, gentlemen.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48Bom-boom, bom-boom, bom.
0:15:49 > 0:15:52- Squeak-squeak, h-o-o-onk! - No.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55Not today, Will. I'm not in the right mood.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58You seem to be in a right mood to me.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00WILL LAUGHS
0:16:00 > 0:16:02HENRY VIII LAUGHS
0:16:02 > 0:16:04Stop it. I need a wee.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07Would that be the royal wee? A-kabunsss!
0:16:07 > 0:16:11HE LAUGHS No, seriously. I will wet my breeches.
0:16:11 > 0:16:15Don't get any on the seat, or you'll have to be throne out!
0:16:15 > 0:16:17BOTH LAUGH
0:16:17 > 0:16:20Oh, no. Oh, no! There's a couple of drips right there.
0:16:20 > 0:16:24I wouldn't worry about it. There's been a few drips on that throne!
0:16:24 > 0:16:26HENRY VIII LAUGHS
0:16:26 > 0:16:29Yes, drips. Hasn't there just!
0:16:29 > 0:16:31More than a few, I should think.
0:16:31 > 0:16:36HE LAUGHS Almost as many as your wife has boyfriends.
0:16:36 > 0:16:37HE LAUGHS
0:16:37 > 0:16:39She's had a few then, has she?
0:16:39 > 0:16:42Yeah, loads of them. Good day, sire.
0:16:42 > 0:16:45HE LAUGHS Very good. Look at you!
0:16:45 > 0:16:48You...! HE LAUGHS
0:16:52 > 0:16:54Well? How did he take it?
0:16:54 > 0:16:55It's too early to say.
0:16:55 > 0:16:59Should sink in in about three, two, one...
0:16:59 > 0:17:02- WHAT?! - There it is.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05Nicholas, fetch me my executioner!
0:17:05 > 0:17:07At once, sire!
0:17:08 > 0:17:11Oh. And a clean pair of pants, please.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15Being Henry's jester was a dangerous job,
0:17:15 > 0:17:19but not as dangerous as being this Tudor entertainer.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21INSTRUMENTAL
0:17:21 > 0:17:25# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths They're funny cos they're true
0:17:25 > 0:17:30# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths Hope next time it's not you. #
0:17:31 > 0:17:35She shouldn't have worn that dress. She had no chance. Next!
0:17:36 > 0:17:41- And you are...? - A Tudor performer and entertainer.
0:17:41 > 0:17:43Ooo! Well, why not entertain us, eh?
0:17:43 > 0:17:46How did you die?
0:17:46 > 0:17:49Well, I was famous for my amazing act -
0:17:49 > 0:17:53- the great stab-proof man! - Ooo!
0:17:53 > 0:17:56I would stand before a live audience
0:17:56 > 0:17:59and plunge a dagger into my own chest
0:17:59 > 0:18:01and yet, not die.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04Hm. Well, how come?
0:18:04 > 0:18:07I wore a cleverly-hidden stab-proof vest
0:18:07 > 0:18:09so the knife never even touched me.
0:18:09 > 0:18:13But it did puncture a concealed bag of animal blood,
0:18:13 > 0:18:16giving the impression that I was bleeding.
0:18:16 > 0:18:20Very clever! So, how did you die for real?
0:18:20 > 0:18:22Well, it was all going perfectly.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25The crowd were cheering, the money was pouring in
0:18:25 > 0:18:30and I raised my dagger aloft and plunged it into my chest.
0:18:30 > 0:18:34- Yes. And, and...?- I'd forgotten to put on my stab-proof vest.
0:18:34 > 0:18:37I stabbed myself in the heart and I died.
0:18:37 > 0:18:40HE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY
0:18:41 > 0:18:45Shame the vest wasn't idiot-proof!
0:18:46 > 0:18:48I'll just confer with the judges.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50Mm-hm. A-huh.
0:18:50 > 0:18:52Mm-hm. Oh, shut up, Louis!
0:18:52 > 0:18:56That's two yeses. You're through to the afterlife. Well done.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58Thank you. Thank you so.
0:18:58 > 0:19:02Very good, wasn't he? He was good.
0:19:02 > 0:19:05Sometimes I love this job. I... I do, Louis. I do.
0:19:05 > 0:19:09# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths Hope next time it's not you. #
0:19:09 > 0:19:11Whoo-hoo!
0:19:15 > 0:19:20- Kill!- The time has come for your first hunting trip.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23- BOTH: Yes! - Get in!
0:19:23 > 0:19:25We have all been blessed by the sacred hag.
0:19:25 > 0:19:28Oi! Less of the hag. It's Mummy to you.
0:19:28 > 0:19:32- We've all been blessed by Mum. Sorry, Mum.- That's better.
0:19:32 > 0:19:36- And now we hunt. - BOTH: Yeah!
0:19:36 > 0:19:39May my spear be strong enough to bring down a marauding megabear.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42BOTH: Ooo! Megabear?
0:19:42 > 0:19:45May Ugg's arrows fly straight enough to fell a stampeding mammoth.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47- Mammoth? - Mammoth?
0:19:47 > 0:19:50And may Grunt's dagger be sharp enough
0:19:50 > 0:19:53to tear out the heart of a sabre-toothed tiger!
0:19:53 > 0:19:56- Did he say tiger? - He said tiger, he said tiger.
0:19:56 > 0:20:00We feast this night. Men, let's hunt!
0:20:00 > 0:20:03- Raar! - BOTH: Argh!
0:20:04 > 0:20:07No, no, no, no, no. That megabear looks pretty big, actually.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09Look at the size of its hand!
0:20:09 > 0:20:13Oh! Oh! Oh, that's a leg. Oh, there's the other leg.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15Actually, maybe we should go and help. Go on.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17- Or, or, or... - Yeah?
0:20:17 > 0:20:20We could hunt that giant tortoise over there.
0:20:20 > 0:20:23- I actually prefer tortoise to bear. - Me, too.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26So let's go and get him. They're pretty good in soups, I think.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29- Watch out, he's a biter! - He's getting away!
0:20:29 > 0:20:33Yes. Cavemen really hunt giant tortoise.
0:20:33 > 0:20:37In fact, we kill all giant tortoise in North America.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40Bad caveman. Ow!
0:20:40 > 0:20:44Hunting very tiring, so fitness important in Stone Age.
0:20:44 > 0:20:48Do you want a body like this, but actually have a body like this?
0:20:48 > 0:20:51Then you need the Caveman Workout.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54It's perfect training for a prehistoric hunt.
0:20:54 > 0:20:59You want guns like these? Sure you do. Let's start with those arms.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02And club, and club, and club. Keep it going!
0:21:02 > 0:21:04And club, and club. 10 more. Club.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06OK. Let's start working out with those spears.
0:21:06 > 0:21:10Don't worry, we use them to hunt bison.
0:21:10 > 0:21:12First of all, we chase a bison off a cliff.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16And run, and run. Get your feet up!
0:21:16 > 0:21:18And run, and run. There's one there! Let's go!
0:21:18 > 0:21:20Argh!
0:21:20 > 0:21:24Once you have your bison, you need to finish him off.
0:21:24 > 0:21:25And spear, and spear.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27And spear. Keep it going! And spear.
0:21:28 > 0:21:33It's time to drag the heavy bison up the hill, back to your cave.
0:21:33 > 0:21:37And drag, and drag, and drag. While fighting off predators.
0:21:37 > 0:21:42And drag, and club, and drag, and club.
0:21:42 > 0:21:46- And drag, and club. That's really great.- Argh!
0:21:46 > 0:21:48So that's it - the Caveman Workout.
0:21:48 > 0:21:52Stay in shape and you, too, could live to the ripe old age of 30.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58The Caveman Workout - available while cavemen last.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00HE STRAINS
0:22:01 > 0:22:03That's enough of that, I think.
0:22:03 > 0:22:07Scientists say humans look the way they do thanks to hunting.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10Yeah. You lot evolved springy leg and feet muscles
0:22:10 > 0:22:13so you could chase animals for miles and miles.
0:22:13 > 0:22:18And a bottom so you can sit watching telly for hours. It's true.
0:22:22 > 0:22:26The famous Wild West pony express was set up in 1860
0:22:26 > 0:22:29to carry mail from one side of America to the other.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31But it didn't last long.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42- Howdy, Bill. - Why, howdy, Jim.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45Here I am, bang on schedule.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47Although I did run into an ambush again
0:22:47 > 0:22:50and I had to ride all through the night in a storm
0:22:50 > 0:22:53and the horse got spooked by a rattlesnake,
0:22:53 > 0:22:55reared up and threw me into a cactus.
0:22:55 > 0:22:59Yeah! As if my butt wasn't sore enough,
0:22:59 > 0:23:02having to spend 20 hours in the saddle to deliver mail to you.
0:23:02 > 0:23:06- This is for you, Bill. - Why, thank you kindly, Jim.
0:23:06 > 0:23:09Ooo! Ah! I forgot about that.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12It says here they finished the telegraph line
0:23:12 > 0:23:14running across the whole of America.
0:23:14 > 0:23:18So all I have to do is connect up this here telegraph machine
0:23:18 > 0:23:21and I should start receiving messages.
0:23:23 > 0:23:25Look at that. It works!
0:23:25 > 0:23:29You know there ain't nothing that can get your messages
0:23:29 > 0:23:32from the East Coast to the West Coast faster than the pony express.
0:23:32 > 0:23:36- It only takes us 10 days! - A telegraph only takes 10 seconds.
0:23:37 > 0:23:39I've got my first message.
0:23:39 > 0:23:43It says, "Pony express out of business, stop.
0:23:43 > 0:23:45"Tell rider to get another job, stop."
0:23:46 > 0:23:49Well, that is just a pain in the butt!
0:23:50 > 0:23:52Ooo! And so is that.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54One second. I got me some pliers.
0:23:58 > 0:24:00Ooo!
0:24:01 > 0:24:05That's right. The pony express riders' careers
0:24:05 > 0:24:07were finished in just over a year.
0:24:07 > 0:24:09Much like most X-Factor winners.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11HE LAUGHS
0:24:11 > 0:24:14Still, they were lucky if they lived to tell the tale
0:24:14 > 0:24:17because the Wild West sure was full of dangerous characters.
0:24:17 > 0:24:21But don't believe everything you read about them.
0:24:21 > 0:24:24# Lots of things in history are actually a mystery
0:24:24 > 0:24:27# The truth's not always in the books you read
0:24:27 > 0:24:29# Facts can get distorted or even misreported
0:24:29 > 0:24:33# Imagine if that was all down to me
0:24:33 > 0:24:35# Cliff White-lie. #
0:24:35 > 0:24:37- It's Whiteley! - Sorry.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40Nah, nah, you got it the wrong way round, mate.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42Sir Walter Raleigh's the explorer.
0:24:42 > 0:24:45The Monte Carlos rally is the car race.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48Yeah. Easy mistake to make.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50- Whallop! - Cliff?
0:24:50 > 0:24:53I've got Wyatt Earp and Billy The Kid in Reception.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56Oh! I've only just had the ceiling done.
0:24:57 > 0:25:00Alright, send them in.
0:25:00 > 0:25:02- GUNFIRE - Yeehah!
0:25:02 > 0:25:06- Alright! - Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
0:25:06 > 0:25:10Susan, can you rebook the plasterer for next Wednesday? Thank you.
0:25:10 > 0:25:15Mr Earp, Mr The Kid. What seems to be the problem?
0:25:15 > 0:25:18We'd just like to give you a big thank you.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21People believe Wyatt Earp and Billy The Kid
0:25:21 > 0:25:24are genuine Wild West heroes.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26- Yeehah! - Yeehah!
0:25:27 > 0:25:30You don't need to thank me, lads.
0:25:30 > 0:25:33I've got all the facts from these books what you gave me.
0:25:33 > 0:25:36It was you fellas did all the gun fighting and holdups.
0:25:36 > 0:25:39No, no, no, sir. We did not do any of that stuff.
0:25:39 > 0:25:42- Beg your pardon? - I made it up.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44- What? - That stuff about me bein' a sheriff
0:25:44 > 0:25:47and bringin' law and order to the Wild West?
0:25:47 > 0:25:49Heck, I was just a part-time policeman
0:25:49 > 0:25:52who got fired for stealin' horses.
0:25:52 > 0:25:56But I thought you was a hero. What about the gunfight at the OK Corral?
0:25:56 > 0:26:00That gunfight was just an argument about a robbery we all did together.
0:26:00 > 0:26:02It wasn't much of a gunfight.
0:26:02 > 0:26:05Most of their side didn't have guns! Oh, yeah!
0:26:06 > 0:26:09- Yeah!- Yeah! - No! No! This is a ceiling!
0:26:09 > 0:26:12- Hee-hee!- I hope your book's a bit more authentic.
0:26:12 > 0:26:17Sir? There is nothing authentic about my book in the least.
0:26:17 > 0:26:21But it's called, The Authentic Life of Billy The Kid.
0:26:21 > 0:26:23It was written by the man who killed me.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26I think he wanted to big hisself up.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28He must've got some things right. Let's have a look.
0:26:28 > 0:26:32"Real name, William Bonney. Killed 21 men by the age of 21.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35"Renowned for his handsome face."
0:26:35 > 0:26:38Well, I am kinda handsome.
0:26:38 > 0:26:42- And the rest? - My real name is Henry McCarty.
0:26:42 > 0:26:45I killed my first man at 18, not 12.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48And 21 murders before I was 21?
0:26:48 > 0:26:52I only killed eight people my whole entire life.
0:26:52 > 0:26:55- Whoo! - Yeah! Eight. Oh, yeah!
0:26:55 > 0:26:57Honestly! So, you're both fakes?
0:26:57 > 0:27:00Where's a real Wild West legend when you need one, eh?
0:27:02 > 0:27:04Pearl Hart at your service.
0:27:04 > 0:27:08Right. I'm gonna start charging for the ceiling.
0:27:08 > 0:27:11I'm the real deal. Ran away from boarding school,
0:27:11 > 0:27:13cut my hair, dressed like a man,
0:27:13 > 0:27:16held up a stagecoach. Yeehah!
0:27:16 > 0:27:18Lawmen had to fight hard to take me,
0:27:18 > 0:27:21but not even a prison cell could hold down Pearl.
0:27:21 > 0:27:25I busted my way through the wall and straight to freedom. Yeehah!
0:27:25 > 0:27:27You do know there's an office above me?
0:27:27 > 0:27:31And I did all that without killin' a soul.
0:27:31 > 0:27:33How about you set the record straight
0:27:33 > 0:27:36and wipe these no-good fakers straight from history?
0:27:36 > 0:27:39That sort of thing could take me years.
0:27:46 > 0:27:48Yep. That should do it.
0:27:49 > 0:27:52- Yeehah! - Whallop!
0:27:53 > 0:27:56# Tall tales, atrocious acts We gave you all the fearsome facts...
0:27:56 > 0:27:59Want to travel through the time sewers with me?
0:27:59 > 0:28:02Ha! Then play Horrible Histories Terrible Treasures.
0:28:02 > 0:28:06Go to the CBBC website and click on Horrible Histories.
0:28:06 > 0:28:08# Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories. #
0:28:08 > 0:28:11Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd