0:00:00 > 0:00:04# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians
0:00:04 > 0:00:07# Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights
0:00:07 > 0:00:09# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians
0:00:09 > 0:00:12# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times
0:00:12 > 0:00:15# Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless
0:00:15 > 0:00:18# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages
0:00:18 > 0:00:23# Gory stories, we do that And your host, a talking rat
0:00:23 > 0:00:27# The past is no longer a mystery Welcome to...
0:00:27 > 0:00:32# Horrible Histories. #
0:00:36 > 0:00:40Pirates terrorised the world's seas, stealing treasure.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43But it wasn't always the obvious stuff that was precious.
0:00:44 > 0:00:49Alright, lads. Time to open the treasure chest.
0:00:50 > 0:00:55This is brilliant! First attack of the enemy ship and first treasure.
0:00:55 > 0:00:58I dunno about you guys, I love being a pirate. Whoo!
0:00:59 > 0:01:02- Aaar!- Aaar! - Aaar!- Aaar! Yeah!
0:01:02 > 0:01:05Let's take a look see at this here treasure.
0:01:06 > 0:01:11Um,... bit of a new-boy question. Shouldn't there be treasure in there?
0:01:11 > 0:01:15This piece of paper is the treasure, my lad.
0:01:15 > 0:01:19'Tis a map showing all the trade routes.
0:01:19 > 0:01:22Using this map, we lies in wait
0:01:22 > 0:01:26for ships laden with silks from the Far East
0:01:26 > 0:01:28or sugar from the Caribbean.
0:01:28 > 0:01:31Then we ambushes them, kills them
0:01:31 > 0:01:34and steals their precious cargo.
0:01:34 > 0:01:36ALL: Aaar!
0:01:36 > 0:01:39So, er, the map is the treasure?
0:01:39 > 0:01:42Aaar! Priceless, it be.
0:01:42 > 0:01:46I am right in saying that us pirates divide all the treasure up equally?
0:01:46 > 0:01:48- Yes, that's the pirate rule. - I want my share.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51ALL ARGUE
0:01:54 > 0:01:57Oh, that is low, even for a pirate!
0:01:57 > 0:02:00- Man over board! - Who?
0:02:00 > 0:02:03Me. I've absolutely had it.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06He is, er, he is under a lot of pressure.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11That's right. Maps were very valuable.
0:02:11 > 0:02:15In fact, we pirates stole all sorts of surprising stuff.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21Welcome to The Pirate Shopping Channel.
0:02:21 > 0:02:24I'm Black Bart and this 'ere be Cutlass Liz.
0:02:24 > 0:02:29Today, we'll be selling all the booty we stole on the high seas.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31Starting with some fine clothes.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33All of our prices have been slashed.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35And so have many of the clothes.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37Well, we did have to kill the owners first.
0:02:37 > 0:02:41And we liked some of their fine clothes so much
0:02:41 > 0:02:45that we're actually wearing them now. Bootiful, aren't they?
0:02:45 > 0:02:49Oh. I think your parrot may have pooped on your shoulder.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52- Have I got it all? - Near enough.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55And it's not just bootiful clothes.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58If it's jewellery you're after, we've got wonderful rings.
0:02:58 > 0:03:02Yes, we do, Bart. Together with the fingers they came on.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05Obviously, we pirates are always in a bit of a hurry.
0:03:05 > 0:03:10If the ring won't come off the finger easy, we chopped off the finger.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13If they've got lots of rings, best chop off the whole hand.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15Sorry. What was that?
0:03:15 > 0:03:18I didn't ear you.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20- HE LAUGHS - Nice one, Liz.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23Yes, we've got earrings, too.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26We've actually got something even more precious.
0:03:26 > 0:03:30- We've got some sugar. - Sugar?
0:03:30 > 0:03:34Freshly-stolen from an English cargo ship in the Caribbean.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37Wow! That really is precious.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39What have you got there, Liz?
0:03:39 > 0:03:41Well, this be a five-barrel pistol.
0:03:41 > 0:03:45And with that many barrels, you really have to hit something.
0:03:45 > 0:03:48- How much does that retail for, Liz? - This isn't for sale.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51Hands up!
0:03:51 > 0:03:54- All of them! - I thought we were partners.
0:03:54 > 0:03:59Well, what d'you expect? I'm still a pirate. Give me that sugar!
0:04:00 > 0:04:04- And the rings and the earrings. - Take them.
0:04:04 > 0:04:05D'you want my jacket, too?
0:04:05 > 0:04:07Nah. It's covered in poo.
0:04:07 > 0:04:10You won't be wanting the trousers either, then.
0:04:10 > 0:04:15It's true. In the 1700s, sugar was worth more than gold.
0:04:15 > 0:04:19I'm rich, I tell ya. I'm rich! Har-har-har!
0:04:24 > 0:04:28We Incas ruled Peru for centuries until the 1500s.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31And we certainly had some unusual customs.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34New from Ancient Peru,
0:04:34 > 0:04:37it's the brand-new album, Live Like An Inca,
0:04:37 > 0:04:40from the Incan Family Players, featuring the chartbuster -
0:04:43 > 0:04:45# Someone's sacrificed my llama
0:04:45 > 0:04:49# Someone's cut it in two
0:04:49 > 0:04:52# Someone's sacrificed my llama
0:04:52 > 0:04:55# Hey, that's what Incas do. #
0:04:55 > 0:04:56And the unforgettable -
0:04:58 > 0:05:01# My beer is made from human spit
0:05:01 > 0:05:04# Would you like to try a bit?
0:05:04 > 0:05:07# Guaranteed to revive ya
0:05:07 > 0:05:09# Cheers! Make mine a pint of saliva #
0:05:09 > 0:05:11And their number-one smash -
0:05:14 > 0:05:17# Oh, the priest just ripped out my heart
0:05:17 > 0:05:20# And threw it down the pyramid steps. #
0:05:21 > 0:05:26With Mum on vocals, Dad on flute and Little Capach on drums.
0:05:27 > 0:05:31Also featuring Grandpa as the flute. Yes, it's made out of his shinbone.
0:05:31 > 0:05:36And Grandma as the drums. That's right, they're made from her skin.
0:05:43 > 0:05:48No, that's true. The Incas really did use human bones for flutes
0:05:48 > 0:05:50and human skin for drums.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52Imagine being turned into a musical instrument.
0:05:52 > 0:05:56Actually, I already am one, after a plate of baked beans!
0:05:56 > 0:05:58- PARP! - Perfect pitch!
0:05:58 > 0:06:02Yes. Inca families had some pretty unusual customs.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06- Oh! Happy birthday! - Thanks, Mum.
0:06:06 > 0:06:10Aw! You're a teenager now, so we've got you a special present.
0:06:10 > 0:06:14- Ta-da! - My own llama! Wow! Thanks!
0:06:14 > 0:06:17- And we also got you this. - A club.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20- For fighting enemies? - Oh, no. For killing the llama.
0:06:20 > 0:06:23- But I only just got it. - All boys your age have to do it.
0:06:23 > 0:06:27If you want to become a man, you have to kill a llama first.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29- OK.- But then I'll roast the llama for you.
0:06:29 > 0:06:32I guess that's something. A nice slap-up birthday supper.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35Oh, no, no, no. You don't get to eat the llama.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37You have to offer it to the Sun God.
0:06:37 > 0:06:42Great. I have to kill my present and then give it to someone else?
0:06:42 > 0:06:44I can't believe I was looking forward to today.
0:06:44 > 0:06:47Oh! Well, let's put you in your brand-new clothes.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49New clothes? Sweet!
0:06:49 > 0:06:51- It's a massive nappy. - What?!
0:06:51 > 0:06:53Put it on.
0:06:55 > 0:06:59And I'll come round here and pierce your ears for you.
0:06:59 > 0:07:03- Ow!- Come on. All Incan boys need their ears pierced.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06There you are. You're a proper Incan man now, son.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09Well, happy birthday.
0:07:09 > 0:07:13D'you know, sometimes I worry we spoil him too much.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16I dunno what we're gonna get him next year.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23The Egyptian Pharaohs were mummified, like me,
0:07:23 > 0:07:25and buried with lots and lots of treasure.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28So much treasure that many centuries later,
0:07:28 > 0:07:33archaeologists flocked to Egypt to try and find their tombs.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37New to based-on-reality computer games comes -
0:07:37 > 0:07:40The Real Tomb Raider.
0:07:40 > 0:07:44Yes. Discover Egyptian tombs as they were really discovered.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47COMPUTERISED VOICE: Select your real tomb raider.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49Not real. Select again.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52Not real. Select again.
0:07:53 > 0:07:57You have selected Lord George Edward Stanhope Molyneux Herbert,
0:07:57 > 0:07:59the 5th Earl of Caernarfon.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01A genuine archaeologist.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05Real Tomb Raider features all the tools that were really used.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08Select tool. Not real. Select again.
0:08:09 > 0:08:11Not real. Select again.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14You have selected a small brush.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17OK, Real Tomb Raiders, we're off.
0:08:17 > 0:08:21Using all your skills, guide your adventurer to scrape through sand
0:08:21 > 0:08:25and... Oh, brush the dust off some disappointing bits of old pottery.
0:08:27 > 0:08:30Or perhaps you'll discover a whole new tomb,
0:08:30 > 0:08:32although it might take a while.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34About 20 years, probably.
0:08:35 > 0:08:39With no zombies, no mummies coming back to life.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41In fact, no monsters at all.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43The Real Tomb Raider.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46Not much fun, but it's what it was really like.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07Horrible. But not as horrible as the curse said to be put on his tomb.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16Greetings, fear fans.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19I am Vincenzo Laughoff.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22And this week's scary story
0:09:22 > 0:09:26is The Curse of Tutankhamun.
0:09:28 > 0:09:32It was 1922, a particularly ghoulish year,
0:09:32 > 0:09:35when an archaeologist named Howard Carter
0:09:35 > 0:09:39discovered the tomb of Tutankhamun, the Ancient Egyptian Pharaoh.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42As the dastardly digger crept inside the tomb,
0:09:42 > 0:09:44he found not only the King's great treasures,
0:09:44 > 0:09:49but there, in the burial chamber, trapped within a golden sarcophagus,
0:09:49 > 0:09:51the Ancient Pharaoh's mummy.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54THUNDERCLAP
0:09:54 > 0:09:58As we all know, nothing is more frightening than Mummy.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00'Go and tidy your room!'
0:10:00 > 0:10:04On the wall above the dead king's body was written a curse -
0:10:04 > 0:10:06'Death shalt come on swift wings
0:10:06 > 0:10:10'to him who disturbs the peace of the King.'
0:10:10 > 0:10:13WHOO-WHOO-WHOO!
0:10:13 > 0:10:16Yes. Whoo-whoo-whoo indeed.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18The curse was quick to bite.
0:10:18 > 0:10:22Within a year, the man who'd paid for the dig, Lord Caernarfon,
0:10:22 > 0:10:24dropped down dead!
0:10:24 > 0:10:25EERIE SCREAMS
0:10:25 > 0:10:30As he did, all the lights in Cairo, the Egyptian capital, went out.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33That exact same moment,
0:10:33 > 0:10:38back home in England, his dog howled in the moonlight.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40HOWLING
0:10:40 > 0:10:43The curse of Tutankhamun had struck.
0:10:43 > 0:10:48But what would become of the man who first broke into the mummy's tomb?
0:10:48 > 0:10:51What fate would befall Howard Carter himself?
0:10:51 > 0:10:54He died... years later
0:10:54 > 0:10:57of completely natural causes.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00A-hem!
0:11:00 > 0:11:02It turned out that Lord Caernarfon
0:11:02 > 0:11:06died from an infected mosquito bite.
0:11:07 > 0:11:11The lights in Cairo went out because the electrics were dodgy
0:11:11 > 0:11:15and his dog howled, well, cos that's just what dogs do, innit?
0:11:15 > 0:11:17It was nothing to do with the mummy.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20THUNDERCLAP Oh, just stop it.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23The curse was just made up by the newspapers.
0:11:24 > 0:11:28Why am I here? I mean, if it's not a real ghost story, why get me?
0:11:28 > 0:11:32Get John Barrowman or Ant and Dec.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36I'm off. And I'm keeping the jacket.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44King George III didn't die until he was 81.
0:11:44 > 0:11:48So George IV had to wait an awfully long time to become King.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54Oh!
0:11:54 > 0:11:58Oh, George. How do you do it? How do you look so fabulous?
0:11:58 > 0:12:01George, you are worth it!
0:12:01 > 0:12:03Your Highness? I have some dreadful news.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05Powdered wigs aren't coming back?
0:12:05 > 0:12:07It's far graver news that that.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10Sir, I must tell you, your father is dead.
0:12:11 > 0:12:15Y-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-es! Get in!
0:12:15 > 0:12:17Get in!
0:12:17 > 0:12:19Sir, I think you may have misheard me.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22Dad's dead, Dad's dead. Oh, gosh, I'm King!
0:12:22 > 0:12:25Ah. You, you didn't.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28But, Sir, shouldn't you be... upset?
0:12:28 > 0:12:30Upset? I'm nearly 60 years old.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32I know I don't look it. It's good of you to say it.
0:12:32 > 0:12:37- I wasn't going to, but -- I've been Prince for nearly 60 years.
0:12:37 > 0:12:40Nearly 60 years I've been waiting for my father to kick the bucket!
0:12:40 > 0:12:42Yes, but, Sir, I have to advise you
0:12:42 > 0:12:45that your subjects will expect you to be in floods of tears.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48Tears? This is better than Christmas!
0:12:48 > 0:12:50- George! Have you heard the news? - You bet I have!
0:12:50 > 0:12:54Congratu-very-lations, Your Majesty.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56My Majesty.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59- Your Majesty! - My Majesty.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01- Your Majesty! - Alright.
0:13:01 > 0:13:06Sir, are you sure you can't squeeze out just a small tear?
0:13:06 > 0:13:08Certainly not, Thick Wig!
0:13:08 > 0:13:10I only cry about things that matter.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13So, how do I look for my coronation?
0:13:13 > 0:13:16- Spectacular! - Look at my calves!
0:13:16 > 0:13:19Very muscular. Very manly!
0:13:19 > 0:13:21I'll tell you a secret. It's padding.
0:13:21 > 0:13:25Padding? Ah! Well, that explains the seat of your trouser.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27What?
0:13:27 > 0:13:29Well, between yousies and mesies,
0:13:29 > 0:13:32there might be a tad too much pad on the old derriere.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34Padding?
0:13:35 > 0:13:38There's no padding there!
0:13:40 > 0:13:43He thinks I'm fat! He thinks I'm fat!
0:13:43 > 0:13:46You know what might help? What about if you wore a corset?
0:13:46 > 0:13:48I am wearing a corset!
0:13:50 > 0:13:52Well, at least he's crying now.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55Oh! Oh, the poor Prince!
0:13:55 > 0:13:59I'm not a prince, I'm a king now! Now, get out!
0:13:59 > 0:14:02- He's a king! - Out!
0:14:03 > 0:14:07Oh! I'm fat!
0:14:08 > 0:14:10I need a chocolate.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13Did you know, George IV was so overweight,
0:14:13 > 0:14:15his nickname was the Prince of Whales.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18That's a bit unfair, isn't it, eh?
0:14:18 > 0:14:20On whales! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:14:20 > 0:14:25And he really did have to wait nearly 60 years to become King.
0:14:25 > 0:14:27SOMBRE INSTRUMENTAL
0:14:30 > 0:14:33# I'm George IV, the Regent King
0:14:33 > 0:14:36# Which means I was just standing in
0:14:36 > 0:14:39# Acting King because my dad
0:14:39 > 0:14:43- # George III had gone barking mad - Banana!
0:14:43 > 0:14:46# Great palaces, I did design
0:14:46 > 0:14:49# Buckingham was one of mine
0:14:49 > 0:14:52# Art and fashion, I so rated
0:14:52 > 0:14:56- # And wives? - # That's more complicated
0:14:56 > 0:14:59# Actresses and duchesses
0:14:59 > 0:15:03# The great loves of my life
0:15:03 > 0:15:05# I loved more girls than I ate pies
0:15:05 > 0:15:08# And I couldn't stand my wife
0:15:08 > 0:15:12- # He couldn't stand his wife - Go away!
0:15:12 > 0:15:15# I only married Queen Caroline
0:15:15 > 0:15:18# When my debts began to climb
0:15:18 > 0:15:21# Cos if I agreed to tie the knot
0:15:21 > 0:15:25# I said I'd pay off the lot
0:15:25 > 0:15:28# But the wedding caused all sorts of strife
0:15:28 > 0:15:31# Cos I already had a wife
0:15:31 > 0:15:34- # A divorced Catholic? - # Dad did sigh
0:15:34 > 0:15:37# But the mad old goat just wouldn't die
0:15:37 > 0:15:41- Still here. Oop! Spoke too soon. - At last, I can go solo!
0:15:41 > 0:15:44# As true King, my reign began
0:15:44 > 0:15:47# Though I was now older than your nan
0:15:47 > 0:15:50# And as the ruler of our nation
0:15:50 > 0:15:53# I banned my wife from my coronation
0:15:53 > 0:15:56# And knowing now that I did hate her
0:15:56 > 0:15:59# She promptly died just three weeks later
0:15:59 > 0:16:01# But all those pies that I'd got through
0:16:01 > 0:16:06# Meant 10 years later, I died, too
0:16:06 > 0:16:09Hello. Have we met? I'm a kangaroo.
0:16:09 > 0:16:15# Actresses, duchesses the great loves of my life
0:16:15 > 0:16:18# I loved more girls than I ate pies
0:16:18 > 0:16:20# But I couldn't stand my wife
0:16:20 > 0:16:23# I had just 10 years on the throne
0:16:23 > 0:16:26# Do you remember that?
0:16:26 > 0:16:29# No, all that you remember is
0:16:32 > 0:16:35# I was really fat. #
0:16:52 > 0:16:54Hello, and welcome to the News At When.
0:16:54 > 0:16:55When? The Middle Ages.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58A time when the Christian people of Europe
0:16:58 > 0:17:01decided to go to war with the Islamic people in the Middle East
0:17:01 > 0:17:04just because they didn't believe in the same things.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06Hard to imagine, I know.
0:17:06 > 0:17:11So, here with more details is Bob Hale, with the Crusades Report.
0:17:11 > 0:17:14Thank you, Sam. I'm Bob Hale and I'm on a bit of a crusade
0:17:14 > 0:17:16to tell you all about The Crusades,
0:17:16 > 0:17:18a series of extremely violent religious wars
0:17:18 > 0:17:20that started nearly 1,000 years ago.
0:17:20 > 0:17:24Yes, the year is 1095, that right there is Palestine, the Holy Land,
0:17:24 > 0:17:26and here comes the Pope!
0:17:26 > 0:17:30There he is. He's called Pope Urban because he's quite street. Sick!
0:17:30 > 0:17:33Not really. He doesn't like what he sees, which is lots of Muslim people
0:17:33 > 0:17:37which isn't surprising, since they live there and it's their Holy Land.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39But this Pope doesn't like to share.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42He decided the Holy Land should be reclaimed for Christians.
0:17:42 > 0:17:44How does he plan to do this? Simple.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47Any Christian who fights for the Holy Land will get into heaven,
0:17:47 > 0:17:49which Christians liked the sound of.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51And so began the first crusade.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53Heaven-hungry Christians will pop to the Holy Land,
0:17:53 > 0:17:56take over and that will be the end of that.
0:17:57 > 0:18:01But crusading is a tricky business, and that's just the journey.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04Because many ships back then had a design problem. Mainly that one.
0:18:04 > 0:18:08If you didn't sink, you had to cope with diseases, storms, sickness,
0:18:08 > 0:18:10sea monsters, except not sea monsters,
0:18:10 > 0:18:13all before you got to do any actual fighting.
0:18:13 > 0:18:15That was if you could afford to go by boat.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18Many were poor peasants who had to walk to the Holy Land.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21Yes, they walked, which takes longer than going to the shops,
0:18:21 > 0:18:24even if you go to the big shops and not the little one on the corner.
0:18:24 > 0:18:28The first crusade took so long, with the walking, sinking and fighting,
0:18:28 > 0:18:30that the Christians ran out of supplies
0:18:30 > 0:18:32and had to eat some really disgusting things,
0:18:32 > 0:18:35like blood, wee, turkey twizzlers and dead bodies.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38Not turkey twizzlers. They never got that desperate.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40Ha-ha! Little joke there.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43Despite this, the Christians took over huge chunks of the Holy Land,
0:18:43 > 0:18:46including the great city of Jerusalem. All in four years!
0:18:46 > 0:18:48Job done, crusade over, Christians win,
0:18:48 > 0:18:51so long, farewell, Auf Wiedersehen, goodbye. Right?
0:18:51 > 0:18:54Wrong! The Muslims weren't about to take all this lying down.
0:18:54 > 0:18:57They fight back, conquering the city of Odessa.
0:18:57 > 0:19:01What did the Pope do? Yep, you've guessed it. Another crusade!
0:19:01 > 0:19:04In 1147, the Christians rush back over to the Holy Land and lose.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07They get the pants thrashed off of them.
0:19:07 > 0:19:10After spending 40 years or so mulling over what to do next,
0:19:10 > 0:19:12the Christians come up with a new plan.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14A crusade! Yep, another one, and it's a biggie.
0:19:14 > 0:19:181187. Richard the Lionheart, who's actually got a lion's heart.
0:19:18 > 0:19:21That's not true, but he is King of England.
0:19:21 > 0:19:22He starts a war with Saladin.
0:19:22 > 0:19:25So that's a war with tomatoes, lettuce, cucumber...
0:19:25 > 0:19:27His name's Saladin and he's a Muslim leader
0:19:27 > 0:19:30who's been building an empire in the Middle East.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33King Richard and many Christians rush over to the Holy Land
0:19:33 > 0:19:35and a big old fight breaks out.
0:19:35 > 0:19:39Nothing to do with the Muslims. The Crusaders fight amongst themselves.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41Half of them call it a day and go home,
0:19:41 > 0:19:43leaving poor old Dickie Boy on his lonesome.
0:19:43 > 0:19:47Lucky for him, Saladin is a nice chap and agrees to a peace treaty.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50Peace is upon us, no more wars, no more crusades,
0:19:50 > 0:19:52just flowers, love, holding hands and that is that.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55No doubt, no diggidy and no questions asked.
0:19:56 > 0:20:01Or so we thought! But in 1202, another Pope named Pope Innocent
0:20:01 > 0:20:02comes up with a bold new initiative.
0:20:02 > 0:20:05Yep, you've guessed it. It's a crusade!
0:20:05 > 0:20:07So we have the fourth crusade that achieves nothing.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10Followed by the fifth crusade that achieves nothing.
0:20:10 > 0:20:14Followed by the sixth crusade that achieves nothing. Followed by...
0:20:14 > 0:20:18We apologise for the technical hitch we appear to have with Bob today.
0:20:18 > 0:20:20We are working to resolve the problem,
0:20:20 > 0:20:23but in the meantime, we hope you enjoy this.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26When off on a long crusade,
0:20:26 > 0:20:29a knight would often take an old woman with him.
0:20:29 > 0:20:33Or, as they used to call them, an old crone.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36Hi. I'm a crusader.
0:20:36 > 0:20:39Sworn to win back Jerusalem from the Saracen Muslims.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42Slaughtering them in the name of Christianity.
0:20:43 > 0:20:44It's hard, dirty work.
0:20:44 > 0:20:50That's why when I go on a crusade, I always bring along an Old Crone.
0:20:50 > 0:20:54She might just be an ugly old woman I kidnapped from my village,
0:20:54 > 0:20:57but Old Crone can wash out even the toughest of stains.
0:20:57 > 0:21:01We compared enslaving an Old Crone to not bothering to wash.
0:21:01 > 0:21:04And just look at the difference!
0:21:05 > 0:21:07Take Old Crone along with you on your crusade
0:21:07 > 0:21:10and she'll comb those nits out of your hair.
0:21:10 > 0:21:12She'll even wash it, too.
0:21:12 > 0:21:16Now, if a Saracen cuts my head off, I know it'll look lovely.
0:21:18 > 0:21:20Aaaaargh!
0:21:20 > 0:21:22And that's not all.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25Old Crone will even find food and cook it for you.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27And when there's a food shortage,
0:21:27 > 0:21:29Old Crone really comes into her own.
0:21:29 > 0:21:35I found some grains of wheat in animal droppings
0:21:35 > 0:21:41and the meat is the finest cut of enemy dead.
0:21:41 > 0:21:43The backside.
0:21:46 > 0:21:50Old Crone. You'll wonder how you survived on a crusade without one.
0:21:50 > 0:21:54Warning: Old Crone is very old and may not survive the journey.
0:21:59 > 0:22:03Between 1607 and 1865,
0:22:03 > 0:22:06slavery was legal in America.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08One slave who escaped and went on to free other slaves
0:22:08 > 0:22:11was known as Agent Moses.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14But Agent Moses wasn't quite what you might expect.
0:22:18 > 0:22:19- CRACK! - Ssh!
0:22:19 > 0:22:21- Ssh! - Ssh!
0:22:21 > 0:22:23- Ssh! - Ssh!
0:22:25 > 0:22:28Well, I think this is the spot.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30- Yeah. So, what do we do now? - We wait.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33Accordin' to the message, Agent Moses will meet us here,
0:22:33 > 0:22:37break us out of the plantation and arrange safe passage to Canada.
0:22:37 > 0:22:41Wow! Just think, in a few days, we won't be slaves any more.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44- We'll be free men. - Yeah.
0:22:44 > 0:22:48Agent Moses has already freed over 60 slaves. He must be quite a guy.
0:22:48 > 0:22:52- I can't wait to meet him. - So, you boys got my message?
0:22:52 > 0:22:54- BOTH: Ssh! - We're waitin' for Agent Moses.
0:22:54 > 0:22:56A-hem! Agent Moses is here.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58Oh, brilliant. Where?
0:22:58 > 0:23:00Here. I'm Agent Moses.
0:23:00 > 0:23:03- You're Agent Moses? - You look like my mama.
0:23:03 > 0:23:08Well, we just expected you to be a dashing young man.
0:23:08 > 0:23:12That's what they expect. Especially the slave owners tryin' to catch me.
0:23:12 > 0:23:15Oh. So that's why you're so good at this!
0:23:15 > 0:23:19Yep. I'm the last person they'd expect to be freein' slaves.
0:23:19 > 0:23:23Besides, I got myself a few disguises in case of emergency.
0:23:23 > 0:23:25Lemme guess. Big false beard.
0:23:25 > 0:23:29Nah-nah-nah-nah. Glasses and a wig. Always glasses and a wig.
0:23:29 > 0:23:32No. Even better. A newspaper.
0:23:32 > 0:23:36- BOTH: A newspaper? - You gotta be kiddin' me.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38Hey, who's there? Who goes there?
0:23:39 > 0:23:41Stop, slave! What...?
0:23:41 > 0:23:44Oh-ho-ho-ho! My apologies, ma'am.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46I thought you might be a slave,
0:23:46 > 0:23:50- but you're clearly an educated woman readin' a newspaper.- Indeed.
0:23:50 > 0:23:53- Well, good evenin', ma'am. - You, too.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56Wow! That's amazin'!
0:23:56 > 0:23:59That's nothin'. Wait til you see my ultimate disguise.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02Lady carryin' a chicken.
0:24:02 > 0:24:06- BOTH: Lady carryin' a chicken? - Now, you gotta be havin' us on!
0:24:06 > 0:24:10Hey! What in the...? Who's there? What's all that noise? Stop, slave!
0:24:10 > 0:24:15Oh-ho-ho-ho! My mistake. It's just a lady carryin' a chicken.
0:24:15 > 0:24:18Now, look at that funny little chicken! IMITATES CHICKEN
0:24:20 > 0:24:23HE LAUGHS Oh, I love a chicken!
0:24:24 > 0:24:26Well, evenin', ma'am.
0:24:26 > 0:24:29Oh, that crazy chicken!
0:24:29 > 0:24:30Well, that was amazin'!
0:24:30 > 0:24:34He was so distracted by your chicken, he didn't even notice you!
0:24:34 > 0:24:36Lady, either you very, very clever
0:24:36 > 0:24:38or these slave owners are very, very stupid.
0:24:38 > 0:24:41A little bit of both, boys. A little bit of both.
0:24:43 > 0:24:47Grandma Moses' real name was Harriet Tubman.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50In the American Civil War, she commanded an armed military raid
0:24:50 > 0:24:53freeing over 700 slaves.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56Making her the first woman in American history
0:24:56 > 0:24:58to lead soldiers into battle.
0:24:58 > 0:25:00The rat knows all.
0:25:05 > 0:25:08HE WHISTLES
0:25:11 > 0:25:15- Yes?- Hello, sir. I'm a Roman poo seller. Would you like to buy some?
0:25:15 > 0:25:17No, thanks. I make my own.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23- I said no. - Yes, sir.
0:25:23 > 0:25:25I clean the communal toilets in the city,
0:25:25 > 0:25:28so the poo I collect is of a very high quality.
0:25:28 > 0:25:31Your poo, I think it's fair to say, is just peasant poo,
0:25:31 > 0:25:33made up of cabbages and turnips.
0:25:33 > 0:25:36Some of this is from the bottoms of Roman senators.
0:25:36 > 0:25:39They have a very rich diet, full of fruit and meat.
0:25:39 > 0:25:41Think of the nutrients.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44I do have trouble making enough for the whole field.
0:25:44 > 0:25:47It's worth its weight in gold, sir. Your crops will flourish.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50- Alright. I'll take some to try. - Lovely.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53You will not regret it. This is the best decision you've ever made.
0:25:53 > 0:25:56Look at that. Handsome! See ya.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01Should've asked for a bag.
0:26:03 > 0:26:08That's right. Roman toilet cleaners used to sell poo to farmers.
0:26:08 > 0:26:10And there was plenty of it, I can tell you.
0:26:10 > 0:26:14Because rich Romans loved to stuff themselves silly at dinner parties.
0:26:15 > 0:26:20Ave, viewer. I'm a very posh Roman.
0:26:20 > 0:26:22And if you want to fit into polite Roman society,
0:26:22 > 0:26:25there's a few simple rules you need to learn first.
0:26:25 > 0:26:28Here's how to behave at a Roman dinner party.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34Eating with cutlery. How rude!
0:26:34 > 0:26:38A good Roman will always eat with his fingers.
0:26:40 > 0:26:43Oh, yes. That's far more polite.
0:26:46 > 0:26:48- BURP! - 'Scuse me.
0:26:48 > 0:26:50Oh, yes. Very good.
0:26:50 > 0:26:53Burping shows your host that you have enjoyed your meal.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55BURP!
0:27:00 > 0:27:05Where are you going? A Roman would never leave the table to have a wee.
0:27:05 > 0:27:08You'd get a slave to bring the pot to you.
0:27:08 > 0:27:11But what if I can't go when everyone's watching?
0:27:11 > 0:27:16Um,... try thinking about an aqueduct or a fountain or something.
0:27:23 > 0:27:25No, I can't eat any more. I'm too full.
0:27:25 > 0:27:28A good Roman is never full.
0:27:28 > 0:27:32Tickle the back of your throat with a feather until you are sick,
0:27:32 > 0:27:34and then repeat.
0:27:36 > 0:27:38RETCHES
0:27:38 > 0:27:42And now you know how to behave in polite Roman society.
0:27:42 > 0:27:44The very height of civilisation.
0:27:45 > 0:27:47- RETCHES - Sorry.
0:27:47 > 0:27:51Well done. That's my feet, but well done.
0:27:53 > 0:27:55# Tall tales, atrocious acts We gave you all the fearsome facts
0:27:55 > 0:27:58Want to travel through the time sewers with me?
0:27:58 > 0:28:02Then play Horrible Histories' Terrible Treasures.
0:28:02 > 0:28:05Go to the CBBC website and click on Horrible Histories.
0:28:05 > 0:28:08# Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories. #
0:28:08 > 0:28:10Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd