0:00:02 > 0:00:04# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians
0:00:04 > 0:00:07# Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights
0:00:07 > 0:00:10# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptian
0:00:10 > 0:00:12# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times
0:00:12 > 0:00:15# Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless
0:00:15 > 0:00:18# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages
0:00:18 > 0:00:23# Gory stories, we do that And your host, a talking rat
0:00:23 > 0:00:27# The past is no longer a mystery Welcome to...
0:00:27 > 0:00:32# Horrible Histories. #
0:00:36 > 0:00:39Our King George III was a bit loopy
0:00:39 > 0:00:43but not nearly as loopy as the doctors who tried to treat him.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46The royal doctor, Your Majesty.
0:00:46 > 0:00:48Doctor? I don't need a doctor.
0:00:48 > 0:00:52I was telling the Prussian Ambassador here...
0:00:52 > 0:00:54That is a pot plant, Your Majesty.
0:00:54 > 0:00:56Oh, yes, so it is.
0:00:57 > 0:01:00Well, as I was telling this pot plant here
0:01:00 > 0:01:03I feel as fit as a pig in Sweden. Och!
0:01:03 > 0:01:05Seize the patient!
0:01:06 > 0:01:07Huh! What are you doing?
0:01:07 > 0:01:09Unhand me, you knaves!
0:01:09 > 0:01:12I'm afraid His Majesty is quite mad.
0:01:12 > 0:01:15Mad? I'm absolutely furious!
0:01:15 > 0:01:18Please. His Majesty must see that he's not well.
0:01:18 > 0:01:21I suppose I have been a bit off colour.
0:01:21 > 0:01:23As has his wee-wee.
0:01:23 > 0:01:25Bright purple.
0:01:25 > 0:01:26Yes, thank you.
0:01:26 > 0:01:29I think we'll leave the diagnosis and treatment
0:01:29 > 0:01:32to those of us trained in the medical profession.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34Only science can provide the solution.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37Science and mustard.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39Mustard?
0:01:39 > 0:01:40What a good idea.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45I'm a sausage!
0:01:45 > 0:01:47Sizzle, sizzle, sizzle!
0:01:47 > 0:01:50That's not working. We'll try another Georgian cure.
0:01:50 > 0:01:54- Splendid. What's that?- I'm not going to blind you with science,
0:01:54 > 0:01:57just assault you with this red hot poker.
0:01:57 > 0:02:00It's quite simple, really.
0:02:00 > 0:02:04We just wait for a blister to appear and then, pop!
0:02:04 > 0:02:07- Is this really supposed to cure him? - Yes, that and shouting at him.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09Stop being mad!
0:02:09 > 0:02:11Get better!
0:02:11 > 0:02:14We Georgian doctors have made great strides
0:02:14 > 0:02:17in the treatment of this affliction. Get better!
0:02:17 > 0:02:20- Shouldn't you be giving him some medicine?- I already have.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22He's on a spoonful of arsenic twice a day.
0:02:22 > 0:02:26- Arsenic?!- Yes, mixed in with some other stuff.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29But arsenic's poisonous, you're going to make him worse.
0:02:29 > 0:02:34Worse? Are you trying to tell me that I, the King's physician,
0:02:34 > 0:02:37am making the King worse?
0:02:37 > 0:02:40- Are you insane?- Insane?
0:02:40 > 0:02:45Because if you are insane, I shall have to treat you too.
0:02:45 > 0:02:48Why don't I help you treat him?
0:02:48 > 0:02:50Yes, you!
0:02:50 > 0:02:51Aaah!
0:02:51 > 0:02:54- Stop being mad!- Get better!
0:02:54 > 0:02:57- Grow up! - Don't act weird all the time!
0:02:57 > 0:02:59Just stop it!
0:03:00 > 0:03:02George III really did have purple wee.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05It was probably caused by one of his doctor's cures.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08You could win Britain's Got Talent with that.
0:03:08 > 0:03:12Tonight, Simon, I'm going to fill this bucket with purple wee!
0:03:12 > 0:03:14Oh, poor old George III.
0:03:14 > 0:03:18He really was one sandwich short of a picnic.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25Lay the table. It's Ready, Steady, Feast.
0:03:25 > 0:03:30Joining us in the kitchen this week is His Majesty, King George III.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35- Oh!- Have you seen the royal doctors?
0:03:35 > 0:03:37- No.- Thank heavens.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40For some reason, they think I'm not totally sane.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42Cluck-cluck-cluck. Chickaboo!
0:03:42 > 0:03:44I know, it's absurd, isn't it?
0:03:44 > 0:03:48- Still, they can't stop me gardening. - Cooking.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50Isn't it? Must be these lights.
0:03:50 > 0:03:54What have you brought for us today from your royal kitchen?
0:03:54 > 0:03:57- Today I brought a lovely bit of beef.- Oh, nice.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59How will you cook it?
0:03:59 > 0:04:03Cook it? I'm not going to cook it, I'm going to plant it.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05You're going to plant a piece of beef?
0:04:05 > 0:04:08I can't think why nobody's thought of it before.
0:04:08 > 0:04:12You get yourselves a bit of soil. There we are.
0:04:12 > 0:04:13Dig a hole.
0:04:13 > 0:04:19Pop the beef in and in six months' time you could have a beef tree.
0:04:19 > 0:04:24Or more likely, a lot of dogs digging up your garden.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26Grub's up!
0:04:26 > 0:04:29- There he is.- It's the royal doctors!
0:04:32 > 0:04:35- Well...- How's the beef tree coming along?
0:04:35 > 0:04:37Come here, Sire.
0:04:37 > 0:04:42It's a good job I brought a sandwich.
0:04:43 > 0:04:44Grub's up!
0:04:50 > 0:04:54Yo! My name's Elagabalus and I'm the Emperor of Rome,
0:04:54 > 0:04:57even though I'm only a teenager which is well wicked.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00To make myself more popular with the people of Rome
0:05:00 > 0:05:04I've invented my own lottery, Romo Lottery Millions!
0:05:04 > 0:05:07Play my game and you could be well minted like I am,
0:05:07 > 0:05:09but not as much as me.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12Come to my Roman arena, grab yourself a ticket
0:05:12 > 0:05:14and see what you've won!
0:05:14 > 0:05:17I don't believe it! I've won a slave.
0:05:17 > 0:05:21That's nothing. I've just won a new house.
0:05:21 > 0:05:23- Yes!- Brilliant!
0:05:23 > 0:05:27Thing is, doing all this good stuff can get really boring.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30So I've decided to spice things up a bit
0:05:30 > 0:05:33and now not all my prizes are quite so nice.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36Wait up, I've won something as well.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39Agh! It's a dead dog!
0:05:40 > 0:05:44Ha-ha! My practical jokes are well grimy.
0:05:44 > 0:05:47A dead dog! That's so mingin'.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49I wonder what I've won.
0:05:50 > 0:05:51Oh! It's bees! It's bees!
0:05:51 > 0:05:53Ha-ha!
0:05:54 > 0:05:58A box full of bees! He's well stung, man.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01Romo Lottery Millions is prank-tastic.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03I've even made the ticket bit more exciting.
0:06:03 > 0:06:07I fire them from catapults and the crowd have to scramble to get them.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10Only, sometimes I put some poisonous snakes in as well.
0:06:12 > 0:06:13Ha-ha-ha!
0:06:13 > 0:06:15Look at them!
0:06:15 > 0:06:19Yeah. Play my prank-tastic Romo Lottery Millions.
0:06:19 > 0:06:20It's well random, dog!
0:06:20 > 0:06:23Warning: Being bitten to death by poisonous snakes
0:06:23 > 0:06:26or being trampled to death may result in death.
0:06:26 > 0:06:27Most def.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31Not everyone liked Elagabalus's sense of humour.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34Like many emperors, he ended up being murdered in Rome.
0:06:34 > 0:06:39To avoid the same fate, Emperor Tiberius moved to Capri
0:06:39 > 0:06:41but he still lived in fear of assassination.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45Emperor Tiberius of Rome.
0:06:45 > 0:06:49I have received word from the gate there is a man here to see you.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55Emperor Tiberius?
0:06:56 > 0:07:00- Is he an assassin?- No. - Are you sure he won't kill me?
0:07:00 > 0:07:03The only reason I came to the island of Capri
0:07:03 > 0:07:05was to get away from the assassins.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08He's not here to kill you. He's here to welcome you.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10He's got you a nice present and everything.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12OK, show him in.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15FANFARE
0:07:16 > 0:07:20Oh, great Emperor Tiberius. I have brought you a gift.
0:07:21 > 0:07:22It is this fish.
0:07:22 > 0:07:23HE SCREAMS
0:07:23 > 0:07:28Guards! Guards! This man is going to try and kill me with this fish!
0:07:28 > 0:07:30- What?- Did he say fish?
0:07:30 > 0:07:32He's just being paranoid again.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35He'll use the fish to open my guts and cut off my head
0:07:35 > 0:07:38and then he's going to shove my guts down my neck
0:07:38 > 0:07:40and use my head to play keepie-uppie.
0:07:40 > 0:07:43Then he's going to throw me into the sea.
0:07:43 > 0:07:47- Seize him!- What? I wasn't. This is just a dead fish!
0:07:47 > 0:07:48It's a gift.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51Take the fish and rub it on his face.
0:07:51 > 0:07:52- What?- Yes, Emperor.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54Sorry about this, mate.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58See? The scales are taking his face off.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00I told you it was a dangerous fish.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02Make him kiss it.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04Here, kiss it.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06- Hit him with it.- Seriously...
0:08:07 > 0:08:10That teach you, won't it?
0:08:12 > 0:08:16I tell you what, it's a good job I didn't bring in the massive crab.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18- Don't say that...- What?
0:08:18 > 0:08:20Bring me this massive crab.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23I didn't mean it... It's just a joke.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26Pinch his nose with it. Ooh, yes!
0:08:26 > 0:08:29How do you like them eggs?
0:08:29 > 0:08:31That teach you to be a nasty assassin.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33I should have just brought flowers.
0:08:36 > 0:08:37Mister bad man!
0:08:37 > 0:08:40Well done, guys.
0:08:40 > 0:08:45That's true. Paranoid Tiberius did rub that man's face with a fish.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48He wasn't the only scaredy cat emperor.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51Domitian had the walls of his palace polished like mirrors
0:08:51 > 0:08:54so he could see people sneaking up on him.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56I'm no scaredy cat, though. I'm petrifiedy of them!
0:08:56 > 0:08:57MIAOW
0:09:10 > 0:09:13Hello and welcome to the Saxon Weather Forecast
0:09:13 > 0:09:16where we use the most reliable Saxon superstitions
0:09:16 > 0:09:18to predict the weather.
0:09:18 > 0:09:22Off the coast of Wales, dolphins have been spotted leaping out of the water
0:09:22 > 0:09:25which of course means gale force winds are to follow.
0:09:25 > 0:09:29Good news up in Scotland where we've seen some red sky at night.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31Expect calm weather there.
0:09:31 > 0:09:35That's assuming the red sky wasn't a monastery on fire
0:09:35 > 0:09:37after a Viking raid.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40Over in Kent, some splashes from oars have been spotted
0:09:40 > 0:09:42glittering on a night voyage.
0:09:42 > 0:09:46That can only mean one thing - there's a storm brewing.
0:09:46 > 0:09:48Don't forget on Sunday there was a thunderstorm.
0:09:48 > 0:09:51Bad news for any monks or nuns watching
0:09:51 > 0:09:53as that means some of you are going to die.
0:09:53 > 0:09:56On Wednesday there's also going to be thunder
0:09:56 > 0:10:00which is unfortunate for lazy women as it means they'll die too.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03That's about all we've got time for so have a nice week,
0:10:03 > 0:10:08unless you're a nun and you're lazy, in which case you're totally stuffed!
0:10:11 > 0:10:13We Saxons really believed all that.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15What a superstitious bunch, eh!
0:10:15 > 0:10:17We were terrified of ghosts
0:10:17 > 0:10:21and we had some funny ideas about how to keep them at bay.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26- Hello, darling.- Hello.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29Well, we don't have to worry about ghosts any more.
0:10:29 > 0:10:32I wasn't worried about ghosts.
0:10:33 > 0:10:38- What have you done?- Burnt all our crops, every last field.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41Apparently it's the new Saxon way to keep ghosts at bay.
0:10:41 > 0:10:42No more ghosts for us.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45And no more food.
0:10:47 > 0:10:48Oh, yeah.
0:10:48 > 0:10:52I haven't really thought this through, have I?
0:10:52 > 0:10:56At least when I die of starvation I won't haunt anyone.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59You won't die of starvation, my love.
0:10:59 > 0:11:03- Because I'm going to kill you first, you idiot!- That hurts!
0:11:03 > 0:11:05- Take that!- All right, I'm sorry!
0:11:11 > 0:11:16Yes, when crops failed Saxons filled out their flour with tree bark,
0:11:16 > 0:11:20wild grass and even stinging nettles.
0:11:20 > 0:11:21Ouch!
0:11:23 > 0:11:24Ouch!
0:11:26 > 0:11:28What's in the stew?
0:11:28 > 0:11:32Erm... It's a family recipe.
0:11:34 > 0:11:35Where's Granny gone?
0:11:40 > 0:11:46For fewer mouths to feed, sell any children under the age of seven.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48- Sell him!- Sell her!
0:11:48 > 0:11:49No, sell him!
0:11:49 > 0:11:51Can you take them both?
0:11:58 > 0:12:00Are you serious?
0:12:00 > 0:12:02'That's what 40 villagers did in Sussex.'
0:12:02 > 0:12:05That's a bit drastic. Any other suggestions?
0:12:05 > 0:12:07'You're right, a terrible idea.
0:12:07 > 0:12:11'How about number five? Become the lord of the manor's slave
0:12:11 > 0:12:13'so he has to feed you.'
0:12:13 > 0:12:14Oh, that sounds better.
0:12:14 > 0:12:18Oh, Lord, I have pledged to be your slave and will do anything you ask.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20Brilliant! First job then,
0:12:20 > 0:12:24clean up my bunions and we'll eat.
0:12:26 > 0:12:29Actually, I think I've lost my appetite.
0:12:34 > 0:12:38Howdy, partner! American history is pretty horrible too.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41We had our fair share of fights and battles
0:12:41 > 0:12:45and our fair share of (LAUGHS) stupid deaths.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths
0:12:50 > 0:12:52# They're funny cos they're true
0:12:52 > 0:12:55# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths
0:12:55 > 0:12:57# Hope next time it's not you! #
0:12:59 > 0:13:01We could have dinner. He won't mind.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04Next! And you are?
0:13:04 > 0:13:08My name's Clement Vallandingham, Your Honour, I'm a criminal lawyer.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11Come on, then, entertain us with your death.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14The stupider, the better.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17Well, sir, I was an expert in criminal law
0:13:17 > 0:13:20and one day I was defending a man
0:13:20 > 0:13:22who was accused of shooting someone dead.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25Yes, very interesting. (Not!)
0:13:25 > 0:13:29I wanted to prove that the dead man had accidentally shot himself.
0:13:29 > 0:13:32I was demonstrating this to my legal team.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34I drew out my pistol...
0:13:35 > 0:13:38..fell to my knees.
0:13:38 > 0:13:42- Your Honour, I did not realise my pistol was loaded.- Go on.
0:13:44 > 0:13:48- Please, don't make me say this. - Oh, we're all ears now.
0:13:48 > 0:13:52- I accidentally shot myself, OK?! - HE LAUGHS
0:13:52 > 0:13:54Sorry, sorry!
0:13:54 > 0:13:57Sorry, that's not funny, it's very serious.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59Yes, it is funny!
0:13:59 > 0:14:01Nincompoop!
0:14:02 > 0:14:06I shall just, um, consult with the judges on that.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08HE LAUGHS I know, I know!
0:14:10 > 0:14:13Oh, come on, Louis. Get a sense of humour!
0:14:13 > 0:14:16Two yeses. You're through to the Afterlife. Well done.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18Thank you very much, Your Honour. Ma'am.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20Off you shoot. HE LAUGHS
0:14:20 > 0:14:23Off you shoot! Did you hear...?
0:14:23 > 0:14:25I know, I'm wicked. I really am!
0:14:28 > 0:14:32# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths Hope next time it's not you. #
0:14:33 > 0:14:36Clement Vallandigham's accident there
0:14:36 > 0:14:37did prove his client to be innocent
0:14:37 > 0:14:40and Clement to be very, very stupid.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42It was a pretty tragic thing to happen,
0:14:42 > 0:14:45but not half as tragic as this.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51During one battle of the American Civil War,
0:14:51 > 0:14:54the Yankee soldiers were having a real problem
0:14:54 > 0:14:57getting past the rebel Confederate troops.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00But then, one general had a brilliant idea.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02Why not go under them?
0:15:02 > 0:15:06The Yankees had hundreds of coalminers fighting for them.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08So they just dug a tunnel right under the rebels.
0:15:08 > 0:15:11They packed it full of gunpowder,
0:15:11 > 0:15:13lit the fuse and blew up their enemy.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16The plan had worked perfectly.
0:15:16 > 0:15:19The Yankee troops rushed forward to capture the bomb crater.
0:15:19 > 0:15:24But there was one small problem. They couldn't get out again.
0:15:24 > 0:15:28The Confederate survivors shot them all, like fish in a barrel.
0:15:28 > 0:15:30The enemy lost 1,500 men,
0:15:30 > 0:15:33but the Yankees lost twice as many.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44One of the most famous and frightening pirates of all time
0:15:44 > 0:15:46was known as Blackbeard.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48Oh, no! Here he comes now!
0:15:54 > 0:15:57# When I was a nipper I boarded a clipper
0:15:57 > 0:16:00# Sailed the seas as a goods importer Oh
0:16:00 > 0:16:03# Edward Teach is my name But I earnt my fame
0:16:03 > 0:16:06# As Blackbeard the pirate of the water, oh
0:16:06 > 0:16:09# What a jolly chap With a jaunty cap
0:16:09 > 0:16:12# Always gave my crew good quarter Oh
0:16:12 > 0:16:15# But I'm best known for blood and guts and gore
0:16:15 > 0:16:18# And a vicious reign of murdering and slaughter, oh
0:16:18 > 0:16:21# Best known for blood and guts and gore
0:16:21 > 0:16:24# And a vicious reign of murdering and slaughter, oh
0:16:24 > 0:16:27# Left my home in Bristol with a sword and pistol
0:16:27 > 0:16:30# Bid a fond farewell to Old Blighty Oh
0:16:30 > 0:16:33# What my enemies feared was my thick black beard
0:16:33 > 0:16:36# Which I always enjoyed setting light to, oh
0:16:36 > 0:16:39# Once I had a thing for a captive's lovely ring
0:16:39 > 0:16:42# That shone like a jewel in the nightie, oh
0:16:42 > 0:16:45# When the man said no I just said, oh
0:16:45 > 0:16:48# And chopped off his hand and said, righty-oh
0:16:48 > 0:16:51# Man said no, he said, oh
0:16:51 > 0:16:54# Chopped off his hand and said, righty-oh
0:16:56 > 0:16:59# Oh, I loved to sail the ocean
0:16:59 > 0:17:02# With my flag that inspired emotion
0:17:02 > 0:17:05# With its smiling pile of skull and bones
0:17:05 > 0:17:07# Smashing hearts with a violent stabbing motion
0:17:07 > 0:17:11# And I loved to escape detection
0:17:11 > 0:17:14# And to win my crew's affection
0:17:14 > 0:17:17# Which was nothing to do with the 12 guns he wore
0:17:17 > 0:17:20# On his belt that were for protection
0:17:20 > 0:17:23# I was awfully nice But I had the odd vice
0:17:23 > 0:17:26# Which occasionally caused a commotion
0:17:26 > 0:17:29# The thing that I'd do was shoot members of my crew
0:17:29 > 0:17:32# If they didn't show enough devotion
0:17:32 > 0:17:35# The thing he'd do was shoot members of the crew
0:17:35 > 0:17:38# If they didn't show enough devotion
0:17:38 > 0:17:41# Once when very irate I shot my first mate
0:17:41 > 0:17:44# Israel Hands for a bit of pleasure, oh
0:17:44 > 0:17:47# And when my debts grew killed half of my crew
0:17:47 > 0:17:50# To increase my share of the treasure, oh
0:17:50 > 0:17:53# Was doing well then seemed to run out of men
0:17:53 > 0:17:56# My captors boarded at their leisure, oh
0:17:56 > 0:17:59# Smote me dead then cut off my head
0:17:59 > 0:18:02# And displayed it on my mast for good measure, oh
0:18:02 > 0:18:04# Smote him dead chopped off his head
0:18:04 > 0:18:09# Displayed it on the mast for good measure. Oh. #
0:18:43 > 0:18:47- Do you suffer from headaches? - Oh!
0:18:47 > 0:18:49Do you suffer from headaches?
0:18:49 > 0:18:51Tense, nervous headaches?
0:18:51 > 0:18:54Pain behind the eyes that you just can't shift?
0:18:54 > 0:18:56Then you need Trepanadol.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58It is our unique starter pack.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01It's got everything you need. A sharp stone.
0:19:01 > 0:19:05- Sharp stone. - And a blunt stone.- Blunt stone.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07Now, concentrate. Here comes the sciencey bit.
0:19:07 > 0:19:11At the first sign of a headache, get an unqualified colleague
0:19:11 > 0:19:13to knock a small hole into your skull
0:19:13 > 0:19:16using the sharp stone as a chisel and the blunt stone as a hammer.
0:19:16 > 0:19:19Hammer! Hammer!
0:19:19 > 0:19:22By knocking a hole in your skull,
0:19:22 > 0:19:24you'll let out the devils inside your head
0:19:24 > 0:19:27and it'll be bye-bye, headache.
0:19:28 > 0:19:33Trepanning is quite likely to result in death.
0:19:33 > 0:19:37Headache gone now! Ha-ha-ha!
0:19:37 > 0:19:39THUD!
0:19:39 > 0:19:42Warning! Do not try trepanning at home.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45There is evidence that lots of Stone Age people survived it.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47Yeah! Believe it or not.
0:19:47 > 0:19:49But that doesn't mean you should give it a go.
0:19:49 > 0:19:53Otherwise, you might need a Stone Age burial.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57APPLAUSE
0:19:59 > 0:20:04Hello, and welcome once again to Stone Age Family Fortunes!
0:20:04 > 0:20:06Let's meet the teams.
0:20:07 > 0:20:11Joining us all the way from Stone Age Britain, it's the Ugg family.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14And playing against them this evening,
0:20:14 > 0:20:17from Stone Age Chile, it's the Ugio family.
0:20:17 > 0:20:21You're very welcome. Hello, there. Are they, are they OK?
0:20:21 > 0:20:24Granny and Gramps? They're having a great time, you know.
0:20:24 > 0:20:27We are from the world-famous Chinchiro tribe.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29We like to mummify our loved ones
0:20:29 > 0:20:31and bring them out on special occasions.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33That's how we roll, homes!
0:20:33 > 0:20:36Well, very best of luck tonight.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38Oh, no! That's happened.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40APPLAUSE
0:20:40 > 0:20:45Captains, will you please join me at the Plinth of Dreams?
0:20:48 > 0:20:51We asked 100 Stone Age people to name
0:20:51 > 0:20:54something you might bury with a member of the family.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56- BUZZ! - Ugio.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58- Can I confer? - Of course.
0:20:58 > 0:21:03What do you think? Don't look at me like that, you're freaking me out.
0:21:03 > 0:21:07We would not bury them because we find that disrespectful.
0:21:07 > 0:21:09So we would cut off their arms, their head, their legs,
0:21:09 > 0:21:12rip out their insides, stuff them with mud,
0:21:12 > 0:21:14put them back together and paint them.
0:21:14 > 0:21:17That way, they will know how much we love them.
0:21:17 > 0:21:20That's not the answer I have on the card here.
0:21:20 > 0:21:25Bearing in mind, Ugio, we did ask 100 European Stone Age people.
0:21:25 > 0:21:29So, Ugg, something you might bury with a member of the family.
0:21:29 > 0:21:33- Flowers.- You said flowers. Our survey said...
0:21:33 > 0:21:38Flowers is the right answer! Please rejoin your families.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41- Weapon? - Weapons.
0:21:41 > 0:21:43Correct!
0:21:43 > 0:21:45- Food. - That's right.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48Dog.
0:21:48 > 0:21:49Pets. I'll accept dog.
0:21:49 > 0:21:53Anything that might make them more comfortable in the Afterlife.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56We'd tie their limbs together so they can't jump out.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58Is the correct answer!
0:21:59 > 0:22:01Tying them up? Where's your respect, homes?
0:22:01 > 0:22:06If you really love them, you would cut off their limbs and skin them.
0:22:06 > 0:22:09- Are you saying I don't love my family?- What if I am?
0:22:09 > 0:22:13You don't know my family. You're a silly little man.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15A silly little man!
0:22:15 > 0:22:17Let's see what Ugg has won!
0:22:17 > 0:22:20Yes! Throw away your old stone tools.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22The Bronze Age is here and it's metal.
0:22:22 > 0:22:26You'll be the talk of the tribe with your very own bronze weapon!
0:22:29 > 0:22:31- No, not the face! - Argh!
0:22:31 > 0:22:34SHOCKED GASPS
0:22:34 > 0:22:36Um...you've killed Ugio.
0:22:36 > 0:22:39Yeah. Um...
0:22:39 > 0:22:41Maybe we should cut off his arms and legs,
0:22:41 > 0:22:45scrape out his innards, fill him with mud and put him back together.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47Well, it's what he would've wanted.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50- Say goodbye, everybody! - APPLAUSE
0:22:50 > 0:22:53That's great! Say goodbye.
0:22:54 > 0:22:58Come on. Say goodbye. Oh, it's happened again! Doesn't matter.
0:23:02 > 0:23:05# Lots of things in history are actually a mystery
0:23:05 > 0:23:08# The truth's not always in the books you read
0:23:08 > 0:23:11# Facts can get distorted or even misreported
0:23:11 > 0:23:14# Imagine if that was all down to me
0:23:14 > 0:23:16# Cliff Whitelie. #
0:23:16 > 0:23:19- It's Whiteley! - Sorry.
0:23:19 > 0:23:22Yeah, yeah. Well, your newspaper got it wrong, mate.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24Albert Einstein was a famous scientist.
0:23:24 > 0:23:27Frank Enstein was the one with a monster.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29So print an apology!
0:23:29 > 0:23:31Whallop!
0:23:31 > 0:23:34Cliff? I've got Florence Nightingale and...
0:23:34 > 0:23:36Sorry, what was your name again?
0:23:36 > 0:23:38Mary Seacole.
0:23:38 > 0:23:42- Mary Seacole to see you. - Thank you. Show 'em in, please.
0:23:44 > 0:23:49Ladies. Cliff Whiteley, tellin' it how it wasn't.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52Take a pew.
0:23:52 > 0:23:57Right. What seems to be the problemo?
0:23:57 > 0:24:00The problem is all of the history books about the Crimean War
0:24:00 > 0:24:02only seem to mention one nurse.
0:24:02 > 0:24:05- Florence Nightingale. - Florence Nightingale!
0:24:05 > 0:24:07Well, I should hope so, too.
0:24:07 > 0:24:11We did a great deal of work ensuring Old Flo went down in history.
0:24:11 > 0:24:15- What a catchphrase! - The lady with the lamp.
0:24:15 > 0:24:16Whallop!
0:24:16 > 0:24:21- You forget about me?- No offence, love, but I ain't never heard of ya.
0:24:21 > 0:24:25Me sold up me home in Jamaica and paid for me ticket to the Crimea.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28When me get there, me built me own hostel with me own money
0:24:28 > 0:24:31to provide care for the injured British soldiers.
0:24:31 > 0:24:35- Wow!- Yes, yes, but it was my military hospitals
0:24:35 > 0:24:37that dealt with all the really nasty injuries.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40Not just you. I'd actually go out
0:24:40 > 0:24:43and treat the injuries upon the battlefield!
0:24:43 > 0:24:47Well, I did pioneering work in cleanliness and hygiene.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50I worked in cholera and tropical medicine.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53Well, I invented the pie chart.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56You did really invent the pie chart?
0:24:56 > 0:24:58- Yes, I did. - I did not know that.
0:24:58 > 0:25:02All right, ladies, chill out. Asseyez-vous.
0:25:02 > 0:25:06Now, Mary, how come she's famous and I ain't never heard of ya?
0:25:06 > 0:25:10When the war ended, one of us was still rich and influential
0:25:10 > 0:25:13and could go on to do great work,
0:25:13 > 0:25:17whilst the other was just a poor, penniless black woman.
0:25:17 > 0:25:21That is terrible, after everything you did.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23- Let's see if we can't get you publicity.- What?
0:25:23 > 0:25:25Shut it, Lampy Knickers!
0:25:25 > 0:25:29Now, we'll get you a statue, obviously.
0:25:29 > 0:25:32Maybe get a university wing named after you.
0:25:32 > 0:25:34Oh! How would you feel about being featured
0:25:34 > 0:25:38in an historical sketch show for the BBC?
0:25:38 > 0:25:41- It any good? - It ain't bad.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44Whallop!
0:25:44 > 0:25:47Yes. A statue of Mary Seacole in central London
0:25:47 > 0:25:51hopefully means more people will now know who she is.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53Top work, Cliff!
0:25:53 > 0:25:56Now, where's my statue, eh? Eh?
0:25:56 > 0:26:00Of course, when you learnt about people in Victorian schools,
0:26:00 > 0:26:04you learnt the proper Victorian way - by repetition.
0:26:07 > 0:26:10Queen Victoria was born in 1819.
0:26:10 > 0:26:15ALL: Queen Victoria was born in 1819.
0:26:15 > 0:26:19Queen Victoria became Queen in 1837.
0:26:19 > 0:26:23ALL: Queen Victoria became Queen in 1837.
0:26:23 > 0:26:27Bleatherby! We do not drink ink!
0:26:27 > 0:26:31ALL: Bleatherby! We do not drink ink!
0:26:31 > 0:26:33No, no. That was just for Bleatherby.
0:26:33 > 0:26:37ALL: No, no. That was just for Bleatherby.
0:26:37 > 0:26:39Children, you do not have to repeat everything I say.
0:26:39 > 0:26:44ALL: Children, you do not have to repeat everything I say.
0:26:44 > 0:26:48- Stop it!- ALL: Stop it! - Stop it!- ALL: Stop it!
0:26:49 > 0:26:52- I smell of wee. - ALL: You smell of wee.
0:26:52 > 0:26:55Ha-ha! That wasn't exact repetition.
0:26:55 > 0:26:58ALL: Ha-ha! That wasn't exact repetition.
0:26:58 > 0:27:01- Argh! - ALL: Argh!
0:27:01 > 0:27:03The headmaster's coming!
0:27:03 > 0:27:06Behave, or the silly old goat will drag me to his office.
0:27:07 > 0:27:10Is everything all right, Mr Hanrahan?
0:27:10 > 0:27:13ALL: The headmaster's coming.
0:27:13 > 0:27:18Behave, or the silly old goat will drag me to his office.
0:27:18 > 0:27:22Mr Hanrahan, a word in my office, please.
0:27:22 > 0:27:26- (Thanks a bunch!) - ALL: You're welcome.
0:27:29 > 0:27:31# Tall tales, atrocious acts We gave you all the fearsome facts
0:27:31 > 0:27:34Want to travel through the time sewers with me?
0:27:34 > 0:27:38Then play Horrible Histories Terrible Treasures.
0:27:38 > 0:27:41Go to the CBBC website and click on Horrible Histories.
0:27:41 > 0:27:45# Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories. #