0:00:02 > 0:00:03# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians
0:00:03 > 0:00:04# Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians
0:00:04 > 0:00:07# Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights
0:00:07 > 0:00:09# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians
0:00:09 > 0:00:12# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times
0:00:12 > 0:00:15# Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless
0:00:15 > 0:00:18# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages
0:00:18 > 0:00:23# Gory stories, we do that And your host, a talking rat
0:00:23 > 0:00:27# The past is no longer a mystery Welcome to...
0:00:27 > 0:00:32# Horrible Histories. #
0:00:36 > 0:00:37In the Middle Ages,
0:00:37 > 0:00:41you really didn't want to get into a fight with a knight - oh, no!
0:00:41 > 0:00:45But if you refused to fight, things could still get quite messy.
0:00:45 > 0:00:46Oh, I can't look!
0:00:50 > 0:00:53FRENCH ACCENT: You, peasant, where is your master?
0:00:53 > 0:00:54What?
0:00:54 > 0:00:56Your master, the knight, where is he?
0:00:56 > 0:00:58I'm up here.
0:00:59 > 0:01:01Give me your land and your castle.
0:01:01 > 0:01:04Oh, you want me to give you my land and my castle?
0:01:04 > 0:01:06It's not going to happen.
0:01:06 > 0:01:08Hand them over, or else.
0:01:08 > 0:01:09Or else what?
0:01:09 > 0:01:11What are you going to do to me up here?
0:01:11 > 0:01:13I can do this...
0:01:13 > 0:01:15Ahhh!
0:01:15 > 0:01:18Oh! Oh, no, that is my peasant!
0:01:18 > 0:01:22Maybe I cannot get to you but I can get to your property.
0:01:22 > 0:01:23Owww!
0:01:23 > 0:01:25Ah! Stop it!
0:01:25 > 0:01:28How is he going to farm my crops when he only has one leg?
0:01:28 > 0:01:29He won't be able to,
0:01:29 > 0:01:31but you'll still have to pay for his upkeep.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34I don't believe this!
0:01:34 > 0:01:37- Now give me your land and your castle or they all get it.- Yeah,
0:01:37 > 0:01:38hand over your castle!
0:01:38 > 0:01:39- Thank you.- No problem.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41- Never!- Arm or leg?
0:01:41 > 0:01:43Arm I suppose.
0:01:43 > 0:01:44- So sorry about this.- No, no, I...
0:01:44 > 0:01:45Ow!
0:01:45 > 0:01:49- Oh!- Now will you give me your land and your castle?- Absolutely not.
0:01:49 > 0:01:52OK, same time tomorrow.
0:01:52 > 0:01:55- What?- If you don't hand them over I will come back.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Son, you are so stubborn.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59I take after you, Papa!
0:01:59 > 0:02:01By the way, give my love to Maman.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04Of course. Au revoir.
0:02:04 > 0:02:05Children, I tell you -
0:02:05 > 0:02:08I don't know what to do with them.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11HE PANTS
0:02:11 > 0:02:15A fight like that really did take place in France in the 1100s
0:02:15 > 0:02:18between a father and his son. Incredible!
0:02:18 > 0:02:21But not as incredible as the story of Joan of Arc
0:02:21 > 0:02:25who lead the French army against the English aged only 14. Yeah, 14!
0:02:25 > 0:02:28Joan claimed she was told to do it by an angel.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30Imagine that!
0:02:30 > 0:02:32I'm imagining it, I'm imagining it...
0:02:32 > 0:02:33I'm imagining it!
0:02:36 > 0:02:37Joan of Arc?
0:02:37 > 0:02:38What?
0:02:38 > 0:02:40Are you Joan of Arc?
0:02:40 > 0:02:44- Yeah.- I am a vision of St Michael, I've been sent by God to find you.
0:02:44 > 0:02:45Pull zee other one!
0:02:45 > 0:02:48Seriously. You've been chosen to lead the French army
0:02:48 > 0:02:50against the oppressive English invaders.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53Nah, there must have been a mix up.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55- Why would you say that?- Well,
0:02:55 > 0:02:58because A) I'm just an illiterate peasant,
0:02:58 > 0:03:00C) I'm a girl
0:03:00 > 0:03:02and A) I'm 14!
0:03:02 > 0:03:06I mean, sweeping up and darning socks I can do,
0:03:06 > 0:03:09but military leadership, not so much!
0:03:09 > 0:03:12He definitely said, I wrote it on my hand and everything.
0:03:12 > 0:03:16Are you sure it wasn't John of Arc, the bloke next door?
0:03:19 > 0:03:20Did someone call?
0:03:20 > 0:03:23John, have you been waiting on God to call on you
0:03:23 > 0:03:26to lead France in a glorious victory against the English?
0:03:26 > 0:03:27Yes, I have.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29No, it definitely says Joan.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31Right, um...
0:03:31 > 0:03:34- Sorry, John, false alarm.- OK.
0:03:34 > 0:03:35I'm just next door if you need me.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39- Stay cool.- Sorry, mate.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42So, um, what am I supposed to do?
0:03:42 > 0:03:44Convene with God, predict the future,
0:03:44 > 0:03:48lead the French army to victory and restore the King to his throne.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50Beats sweeping up!
0:03:50 > 0:03:51I bet, yeah.
0:03:51 > 0:03:52OK.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54Oh,
0:03:54 > 0:03:56who will darn all the villagers' socks?
0:03:56 > 0:03:58Oh, I'm sure we'll think of something.
0:03:58 > 0:04:02Ow! This is definitely what God wants?
0:04:05 > 0:04:07But, I mean, look...
0:04:07 > 0:04:11OK, so John of Arc was just made up and silly, but Joan of Arc,
0:04:11 > 0:04:13well, she was real
0:04:13 > 0:04:17and went on to defeat the English at Orleans in 1429.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20Sadly she was eventually captured by the English
0:04:20 > 0:04:23who claimed she was a witch, yeah, and they burned her at the stake.
0:04:23 > 0:04:27Well, what do you expect, this is HORRIBLE Histories.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36APPLAUSE
0:04:36 > 0:04:39Welcome to Ready Steady Feast.
0:04:39 > 0:04:43Now, aye, aye me hearties and shiver me timbers,
0:04:43 > 0:04:47please welcome aboard the infamous pirate, Captain Ned Low.
0:04:47 > 0:04:49Arrr.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51Arrrr, right back at you.
0:04:51 > 0:04:55So, pirate Ned, what have you got for us? Salted meat? Sea biscuits?
0:04:55 > 0:04:58No, no, no, no, no.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01I only deal with the freshest ingredients.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03I likes the meat to still be warm.
0:05:03 > 0:05:06OK, well let's see what's in your pirate booty.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08APPLAUSE
0:05:10 > 0:05:13There we are, fresh out the bag.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16Well, we don't normally allow helpers.
0:05:16 > 0:05:20Helpers? They're not helpers, they're the ingredients.
0:05:20 > 0:05:21AUDIENCE GASP
0:05:21 > 0:05:24Stop your fidgeting, you scurvy knaves.
0:05:24 > 0:05:27This one here's a Spanish prisoner. I'm going to cut out his heart.
0:05:27 > 0:05:32Then I'm going to takes this Frenchman and burn 'im alive.
0:05:32 > 0:05:36Finally, I'm going to cut the ears off this here swabby,
0:05:36 > 0:05:39sprinkle them with a little bit of salt
0:05:39 > 0:05:40and then makes him eat them.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42I hope you're not vegetarian.
0:05:42 > 0:05:43Oh...
0:05:43 > 0:05:46Well, I thought you were going to eat them.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48- I don't eats them.- No.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50Frankly I'm quite offended, what do you think I am.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52I just does all that for the fun!
0:05:52 > 0:05:54HE LAUGHS
0:05:54 > 0:05:56SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
0:05:58 > 0:06:00Grubs up!
0:06:03 > 0:06:05Arrr!
0:06:05 > 0:06:09You can see why no one wanted to be captured by us pirates.
0:06:09 > 0:06:14So when we was at sea, we had to use some pretty clever tricks.
0:06:14 > 0:06:15HE CHUCKLES
0:06:15 > 0:06:17Hold fast, lads.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19Looks like there's a lady on board!
0:06:19 > 0:06:21- Hello, gorgeous!- I saw her first.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23BOTH: OH!
0:06:23 > 0:06:26I'm going to put my patch over my good eye, like that.
0:06:26 > 0:06:27That be horrible.
0:06:27 > 0:06:28It's me, your captain!
0:06:28 > 0:06:30So it is!
0:06:30 > 0:06:32Shiver me timbers!
0:06:32 > 0:06:34Captain, seriously, what is going on?
0:06:34 > 0:06:39It's my brilliant new tactic for capturing rich merchant ships.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41If they think we're all women,
0:06:41 > 0:06:43they'll never guess we're actually pirates.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45ALL: Arrrr!
0:06:45 > 0:06:49We can sail nice and close to their ship, leap aboard,
0:06:49 > 0:06:50slaughter the lot of them,
0:06:50 > 0:06:52and steal all their treasure!
0:06:52 > 0:06:54ALL: Arrrr!
0:06:54 > 0:06:56Here be your disguises,
0:06:56 > 0:06:57- Ooh, no, no.- No...
0:06:57 > 0:07:00- Right, what's the problem?- Well,
0:07:00 > 0:07:02- won't we look a bit...girly?- OK.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04Hands up who's got a better idea?
0:07:05 > 0:07:06I said hands up, Jack.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08THEY ALL LAUGH
0:07:09 > 0:07:11Oh, Jack's got a suggestion.
0:07:12 > 0:07:16OK, what if we was to lower the Jolly Roger
0:07:16 > 0:07:18and put up the distress flag instead.
0:07:18 > 0:07:22A ship always has to come to the help of another ship in distress.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25When they look through their telescopes and see pirates
0:07:25 > 0:07:26they'll be long gone.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29What if we was to make it look like we've all been massacred?
0:07:29 > 0:07:31Arrr! Huh?
0:07:31 > 0:07:34We lays on deck, covers ourselves in red paint,
0:07:34 > 0:07:36pretend that we've been slaughtered.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39Then the crew come aboard, we spring to life,
0:07:39 > 0:07:41grab our cutlasses and suddenly it's...
0:07:41 > 0:07:43HE MAKES SLICING AND STABBING NOISES
0:07:45 > 0:07:47They be the dead ones!
0:07:47 > 0:07:49ALL: Arrrr!
0:07:49 > 0:07:51Nice one, Jack, high five.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53- Seriously, why would you do that? - Sorry.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55Hand out the red paint, Jack.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58Oh, um...
0:07:58 > 0:08:00(I didn't bring any red paint.)
0:08:00 > 0:08:03- What did you say? - I said I didn't bring any red paint.
0:08:03 > 0:08:04He didn't bring any paint.
0:08:04 > 0:08:08Back to plan A. Get these blouses on, ladies.
0:08:08 > 0:08:09Fancy the pink one!
0:08:09 > 0:08:11I want the pink one, that's my birth colour.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13Please don't do...
0:08:13 > 0:08:14Ow!
0:08:19 > 0:08:24Did you know we Victorians were a very inventive bunch?
0:08:24 > 0:08:27But sometimes the old methods are the best methods.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29Good day.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36This is Victorian Dragon's Den.
0:08:36 > 0:08:40This is Victorian Britain, an age of enterprise and industry
0:08:40 > 0:08:44when many great inventions were... well, invented by inventors.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47So can any of tonight's candidates
0:08:47 > 0:08:50convince the dragons to put money behind their ideas?
0:08:50 > 0:08:53First up, it's Mr Nathaniel Twonk.
0:08:53 > 0:08:54Gentlemen
0:08:54 > 0:08:55and lady.
0:08:55 > 0:08:59Allow me to explain a most efficacious device
0:08:59 > 0:09:00that I have invented.
0:09:00 > 0:09:04I call it the automatic bottle washer.
0:09:04 > 0:09:09This device will automatically wash bottles for hours on end,
0:09:09 > 0:09:13without the need for attention or adjustment.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19- Ah!- Marvellous, yes, I'm in.
0:09:19 > 0:09:20I'm in.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22I'm in.
0:09:24 > 0:09:28Our next hopeful inventor is Mrs Edwina Gruelbucket.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30Gentlemen and madam,
0:09:30 > 0:09:33I wish to present you with a golden opportunity
0:09:33 > 0:09:36to invest in my most marvellous invention.
0:09:36 > 0:09:40The automatic potato harvester.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45- Wonderful!- I'm in.- I'm in.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47Well it's been a good day for our hopefuls so far,
0:09:47 > 0:09:51let's see if Sir Chesterton Widebelly can make it a clean sweep.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53Lady and Gentlemen.
0:09:53 > 0:09:58I have invented something which I believe will truly change the world.
0:09:59 > 0:10:00I call it,
0:10:00 > 0:10:02the vacuum cleaner.
0:10:11 > 0:10:12But what does it do?
0:10:12 > 0:10:13It sucks...
0:10:14 > 0:10:17- Oh, dear.- It sucks all right.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19The dragons aren't impressed.
0:10:19 > 0:10:20Never mind.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23Can Chesterton win them round?
0:10:23 > 0:10:25You could use this instead.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27ENTHUSIASTIC MUMBLING
0:10:27 > 0:10:29That's more like it, yes, I'm in.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31I'm in.
0:10:32 > 0:10:33I'm in, yes.
0:10:35 > 0:10:39The Victorians made children do all sorts of terrible jobs.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42But they also invented lots of technology.
0:10:42 > 0:10:46Electricity, the railway, steel ships, the car, the radio...
0:10:46 > 0:10:48Oh for goodness sake, just listen to this.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53# T'was the age of Queen Victoria's
0:10:53 > 0:10:55# A period notorious
0:10:55 > 0:10:58# So many brand new goods we did create.
0:11:00 > 0:11:05# Our list is long and glorious though I don't intend to bore yous
0:11:05 > 0:11:07# Was a time of great invention
0:11:07 > 0:11:09# Was it really what did we invent then?
0:11:09 > 0:11:12# Well I'm just about to mention
0:11:12 > 0:11:14# Drum roll please let's raise the tension... #
0:11:14 > 0:11:15HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:11:15 > 0:11:16We invented...
0:11:16 > 0:11:19This musical.
0:11:19 > 0:11:20Is that all?
0:11:20 > 0:11:22Well...
0:11:23 > 0:11:27# A chap called Henry Bessemer invented molten steel
0:11:27 > 0:11:31# Which lead to other chaps creating the automobile
0:11:31 > 0:11:33# Which lead to petrol tyres and bikes
0:11:33 > 0:11:34# So all that was required
0:11:34 > 0:11:37# Roads so concrete came and tarmac thought up too
0:11:37 > 0:11:38# You're hired!
0:11:38 > 0:11:40BOTH: # Ohhh
0:11:40 > 0:11:42# Concrete, tarmac, steel
0:11:42 > 0:11:44# The automobile
0:11:44 > 0:11:46# Seal of rubber wheel
0:11:46 > 0:11:48# Such inventive zeal
0:11:48 > 0:11:51# Still there's plenty to reveal
0:11:51 > 0:11:55# Victorian brains worked overtime to come up with ideas
0:11:55 > 0:11:57# We invented light bulbs
0:11:57 > 0:11:59- # Nice one!- Cheers!
0:11:59 > 0:12:03# Typewriters and radios now news was fast conveyed, hello
0:12:03 > 0:12:06# The telephone was no good till a second phone was made, hello!
0:12:06 > 0:12:10BOTH: # Our inventors did not snooze
0:12:10 > 0:12:11# Always had another ruse
0:12:11 > 0:12:13# The latest flushing loos
0:12:13 > 0:12:15# Films that did amuse
0:12:15 > 0:12:19# Flashbulb cameras to use
0:12:19 > 0:12:21# What a picture, what a picture
0:12:23 > 0:12:26# Vacuum cleaners, toilet paper post boxes and stamps
0:12:26 > 0:12:30# Toilets aspirin, anaesthetics locks, electric lamps
0:12:30 > 0:12:32# Sewing machines, x-rays, comics
0:12:32 > 0:12:34# Ice-cream in a pot
0:12:34 > 0:12:35# Easter eggs and rockets
0:12:35 > 0:12:37# We invented the whole lot.
0:12:37 > 0:12:39# Ohhh. #
0:12:39 > 0:12:41Hang on, there's more.
0:12:41 > 0:12:45# Trains and lines and bridges and the underground as well
0:12:45 > 0:12:48# Paddle steamers, prams and disinfectant for their smell
0:12:48 > 0:12:52# Sterile doctors instruments one last unmentioned brand
0:12:52 > 0:12:55# Victorians invented the world's first conveyor band
0:12:55 > 0:12:57# Cuddly toy? #
0:12:57 > 0:13:01Invented 1902 - the year AFTER Victoria died.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03BOTH: # Ohhh
0:13:03 > 0:13:04# Barometers were new
0:13:04 > 0:13:06# Iron ships are cool
0:13:06 > 0:13:07# What genius
0:13:07 > 0:13:10# Thank you Seems we're almost through
0:13:10 > 0:13:13BOTH: # Just one little oversight... #
0:13:20 > 0:13:22We invented dynamite.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45Yeah, it's probably a good idea.
0:13:45 > 0:13:46No, really, he does stink.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48All right.
0:14:03 > 0:14:08And soap wasn't the only way Saxons had of cleansing things.
0:14:14 > 0:14:18No, darling, don't touch it, it's fallen in that poo.
0:14:19 > 0:14:20Don't worry,
0:14:20 > 0:14:22Mummy knows what to do.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24'New Saxon Sign of the ross.
0:14:24 > 0:14:27'Now cleansing action is more powerful than ever.'
0:14:27 > 0:14:28There.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30It's all pure and cleansed.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32You can eat it now.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34'Protect you and your family.'
0:14:34 > 0:14:35Are you sure?
0:14:35 > 0:14:38Yes, darling, I've done the sign of the cross over it.
0:14:38 > 0:14:43'Saxon Sign of the Cross kills all household germs...dead.'
0:14:43 > 0:14:45'Warning, spiritual blessings
0:14:45 > 0:14:47'are unlikely to kill any germs whatsoever.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49'Eating poo is a very bad idea.'
0:14:50 > 0:14:54OK, so the sign of the cross didn't actually work.
0:14:54 > 0:14:59No wonder in Saxon times we had some very unpleasant diseases.
0:15:01 > 0:15:02Hello, Engelbert, how you doing?
0:15:02 > 0:15:06All right, Edwin? Yeah, mustn't grumble, mustn't grumble.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08I see you've still got a nasty case of that ergotism.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10Yeah, I think I must have eaten some bread
0:15:10 > 0:15:13that was infected with that ergot fungus, you know?
0:15:13 > 0:15:17It's like me arms and legs are on fire. I can't stop from twitching.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20How are you, all right? See you've still got some fleas then.
0:15:20 > 0:15:23That's right, Edwin. I just can't seem to shake them.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26- Have you tried having a bath? - Yeah, I had a bath only a year ago
0:15:26 > 0:15:28and I've tried that new Saxon cure.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31Locked all my flea-infested clothes in an air-tight box.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33I heard about that one, yeah.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35Supposed to suffocate the fleas, isn't it?
0:15:35 > 0:15:37- Does it work?- What do you think!?
0:15:37 > 0:15:40Maybe you should try some new clothes or something.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43I'm wearing some new underwear, but it's definitely not helping.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46- What's it made of, mate? - Stinging nettles!
0:15:46 > 0:15:47Argh!
0:15:47 > 0:15:50Well, anyway, good to see you, mate, hope the fleas clear up a bit.
0:15:50 > 0:15:53- Yeah, I hope your ergotism gets better.- Oh, I'll be fine.
0:15:53 > 0:15:57If it was anything serious something would have dropped off by now.
0:15:57 > 0:15:58Anyway, good to see you mate.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00Good to see you.
0:16:00 > 0:16:01Take care.
0:16:02 > 0:16:05Edwin? I think you left something behind.
0:16:06 > 0:16:09It's true, ergotism gave you gangrene,
0:16:09 > 0:16:13which meant bits of you could just drop off.
0:16:13 > 0:16:16Arms, check. Legs, check.
0:16:16 > 0:16:17Taily...
0:16:17 > 0:16:21Taily, where are you, Taily! Taily! Taily!
0:16:21 > 0:16:23Oh, there you are!
0:16:23 > 0:16:27Ha-ha! Little Taily. Thank goodness.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40Hello and welcome to the News At When.
0:16:40 > 0:16:44When? The 1600s when the people of Britain went to war with each other
0:16:44 > 0:16:48to decide whether they wanted the country ruled by a king
0:16:48 > 0:16:49or ruled by Parliament.
0:16:49 > 0:16:54With more details, it's over to Bob with the Civil War report. Bob.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57Thank you, Sam. Well, it's 1625 and I hope you're dressed smartly
0:16:57 > 0:16:58because here comes the king.
0:16:58 > 0:17:01Yes, it's King Charles I and right from day one
0:17:01 > 0:17:02he is stirring up trouble.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05He's supposed to be Protestant like the Church of England,
0:17:05 > 0:17:09but he keeps doing very Catholicy things like marrying a Catholic,
0:17:09 > 0:17:12praying like a Catholic and wearing a I-Love-Catholics t-shirt.
0:17:12 > 0:17:13Except not the last one.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16Charlie's behaviour annoys a lot of people,
0:17:16 > 0:17:18especially in Parliament down here in London.
0:17:18 > 0:17:22So Charlie tells them to take some time off, about ten years in fact,
0:17:22 > 0:17:23leaving him in charge, which is fun.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25But not for long. First the Scots,
0:17:25 > 0:17:28sick of this bossy, Catholic-loving king start a war against him
0:17:28 > 0:17:32and then the Irish, sick of English people stealing all their land
0:17:32 > 0:17:33start another war against him
0:17:33 > 0:17:37and wars are very expensive so Charlie brings back Parliament
0:17:37 > 0:17:38so he can ask them for some money.
0:17:38 > 0:17:42And they say, "No, because you tried to get rid of us, remember?"
0:17:42 > 0:17:45Instead they give him a list of what they don't like about him.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48Talk about trouble. Over the next two years the country divides in two
0:17:48 > 0:17:52with some people siding with Charlie, that's the Cavaliers,
0:17:52 > 0:17:54and others siding with Parliament - the Roundheads.
0:17:54 > 0:17:57Until in 1642, here in Nottingham, civil war is declared.
0:17:57 > 0:18:01And what a war it is. In fact if we look at the fight-o-meter
0:18:01 > 0:18:05we can see that at the first major battle, victory goes to...
0:18:05 > 0:18:07No-one at all, how very dull, it's a dead heat.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09But in round two here in London the winner is...
0:18:09 > 0:18:12Oh, a great result for the Roundheads.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15Followed by a real killing by the Cavaliers in the West Country.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17And then another win for the king up north
0:18:17 > 0:18:20taking Bolton, Preston, Wigan and Liverpool,
0:18:20 > 0:18:23where my cousin runs a dry cleaners just off the high street.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25Half price on Wednesdays - worth remembering.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27But the kings luck can't last.
0:18:27 > 0:18:30It's complete murder at Marston Moor followed by a knockout at Newbury
0:18:30 > 0:18:32and annihilation at Naseby.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34In fact he's doing so badly he's broken our thingy!
0:18:34 > 0:18:37But Charlie has an idea. He'll make a truce with the Scots
0:18:37 > 0:18:40if they'll help him fight the Roundheads.
0:18:40 > 0:18:41Which is absolutely brilliant.
0:18:41 > 0:18:45Except it doesn't work and they just hand him over to Parliament.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47So, the Roundheads win, the Cavaliers lose
0:18:47 > 0:18:49and that is the end of that.
0:18:50 > 0:18:53But not for long! It soon becomes clear that the Roundhead leader,
0:18:53 > 0:18:56Oliver Cromwell is as much fun as stinging nettle underpants,
0:18:56 > 0:18:59so the Scots finally form an alliance with Charlie
0:18:59 > 0:19:02to overthrow Cromwell. Yes, it's Civil War - Part Two!
0:19:02 > 0:19:05With the Scots and Cavaliers fighting on the same side,
0:19:05 > 0:19:06they can't lose.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08Or so we thought. Cromwell crushes both of them
0:19:08 > 0:19:11and it's goodbye Civil War, goodbye Charlie's head
0:19:11 > 0:19:13and goodbye kings and queens all together.
0:19:13 > 0:19:17Cromwell is now in charge of the country and with the warring over,
0:19:17 > 0:19:19Olli can stop being mean to the Cavaliers
0:19:19 > 0:19:21and start being mean to the rest of us.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23He turns Britain into a Puritan state
0:19:23 > 0:19:25which means banning anything that's fun,
0:19:25 > 0:19:27including sport, theatre and Christmas.
0:19:27 > 0:19:30Then he runs out of stuff to ban, gets bored and dies.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33So his son, Richard takes over but he's about as much use
0:19:33 > 0:19:36as a jelly pickaxe and before long the people of Britain
0:19:36 > 0:19:39just want the petty Puritans out, and the crazy kings back.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41Yes, Prince Charles is welcomed home with open arms
0:19:41 > 0:19:44and becomes King Charles II and the monarchy is restored!
0:19:44 > 0:19:47It's The Restoration which gives us lots of fun things
0:19:47 > 0:19:49like Restoration comedies,
0:19:49 > 0:19:52fashion and furniture, including this delightful mahogany bureau.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55Now, do I hear £750, 750 for the bureau,
0:19:55 > 0:19:56750 once at the back,
0:19:56 > 0:19:59I've got 800 for the bureau, 800 going once at 800,
0:19:59 > 0:20:01900 for the bureau, 950 at the back there,
0:20:01 > 0:20:03I've got £1,000,
0:20:03 > 0:20:05£1,000, going once at £1,000, twice at £1,000,
0:20:05 > 0:20:09SOLD for £1,000 for the beautiful lady with a beautiful bowl haircut.
0:20:09 > 0:20:10And back to you, Sam.
0:20:14 > 0:20:17One of the decisive battles of the English Civil War
0:20:17 > 0:20:20was at Marston Moor, but what happened there
0:20:20 > 0:20:22was unusual to say the least.
0:20:22 > 0:20:24Let's go over live to Mike Peabody
0:20:24 > 0:20:27to find out what actually happened. Mike.
0:20:27 > 0:20:30I'm here at Marston Moor just west of York -
0:20:30 > 0:20:33The site that promises to become one of the most brutal
0:20:33 > 0:20:36and bloodiest battles of the whole Civil War.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38I'm hoping to catch up with Prince Rupert,
0:20:38 > 0:20:40leader of the Royalist forces,
0:20:40 > 0:20:44who's currently preparing his Cavalier army for...dinner.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46What ho, old bean.
0:20:46 > 0:20:50Hello. Mike Peabody, HHTV News. Prince Rupert, hello.
0:20:50 > 0:20:53I couldn't help but notice you're not actually preparing for battle.
0:20:53 > 0:20:57Of course, not. It's gone 7 o'clock, only an hour of daylight left.
0:20:57 > 0:21:01Not enough time for a battle, but plenty of time for a slap up feed!
0:21:01 > 0:21:05So I've ordered the entire Cavalier army to down weapons
0:21:05 > 0:21:08and have supper. Sit down, join us. Pheasant?
0:21:08 > 0:21:12- No, I'm a Duke. - THEY LAUGH
0:21:12 > 0:21:16- Pheasant, peasant - get it? - Yes, very good.
0:21:16 > 0:21:19The problem is, there are thousands of enemy Roundheads
0:21:19 > 0:21:21just over there on the other side of the moor.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23Aren't you a little bit worried?
0:21:23 > 0:21:26Well, yes, I am rather worried. I'm going to die...
0:21:26 > 0:21:30of thirst! Pass me the wine, old man!
0:21:30 > 0:21:32- To the King.- The King!
0:21:32 > 0:21:36What happens if the Roundheads launch a surprise attack?
0:21:36 > 0:21:39Hold on! I think I hear something.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42HE BURPS
0:21:42 > 0:21:44THEY LAUGH
0:21:44 > 0:21:47No, you big ninny. No-one's going to start a long battle
0:21:47 > 0:21:51this late in the day, it's just not how we do things in the Stewart era.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54If they would attack now, we would... Argh!
0:21:54 > 0:21:57THEY SCREAM
0:21:57 > 0:22:00Right. Right. Now you listen. I have a butter knife
0:22:00 > 0:22:03and I'm not afraid to use it, so get back. This is Mike Peabody,
0:22:03 > 0:22:07HHTV News at the surprise Roundhead attack at Marston Moor,
0:22:07 > 0:22:09really wishing he was somewhere else.
0:22:09 > 0:22:12You, get back or I will spread you, I am not joking!
0:22:19 > 0:22:22When the Romans invaded Britain,
0:22:22 > 0:22:25they had a bit of a problem in East Anglia.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28The land they found there was wet and marshy.
0:22:28 > 0:22:31Very, very wet and very, very marshy.
0:22:32 > 0:22:36But then one Roman general had a bright idea -
0:22:36 > 0:22:38Why don't we use stilts?
0:22:39 > 0:22:41His plan worked brilliantly.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44The stilts stopped the Romans getting wet.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46But there was on small problem -
0:22:46 > 0:22:49the Celts worked out that the Romans on stilts...
0:22:49 > 0:22:51Argh!
0:22:51 > 0:22:53..were very easy to knock over.
0:22:53 > 0:22:58The Romans fell like dominos and the Celts swiftly finished them off.
0:22:58 > 0:23:01Ah, well. I guess it's back to the drawing tablet.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03And quickly. Argh!
0:23:03 > 0:23:06And don't come back!
0:23:06 > 0:23:08HE CLEARS THROAT
0:23:08 > 0:23:09Sorry about that.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12Unfortunately lots of Romans did end up settling in Britain
0:23:12 > 0:23:15and they were very different from us Celts.
0:23:15 > 0:23:19Welcome to this special Celtic episode of Historical Wife Swap.
0:23:19 > 0:23:22This is Mr and Mrs Celt.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24Their family have lived in Britain for centuries
0:23:24 > 0:23:27and they're doing a wife swap with their new neighbours -
0:23:27 > 0:23:29the Romans.
0:23:29 > 0:23:32Originally from Italy, they've recently conquered Britain.
0:23:32 > 0:23:36How will these two very different cultures get on?
0:23:37 > 0:23:42Hello. I'm Mrs Roman. You must be Mr Celt.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44Hello, Mrs Roman.
0:23:44 > 0:23:48- Oh, what a lovely stable.- Stable? No, no, this is our home.
0:23:48 > 0:23:53- Oh.- I just haven't had the chance to make it look nice, you know.
0:23:53 > 0:23:55I was just about to put up these decorations.
0:23:57 > 0:23:58SHE SCREAMS
0:23:58 > 0:23:59Enemy head battle trophies.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02I was thinking of putting this one up here.
0:24:04 > 0:24:09What do you think? Er, oh... Hello? Where's she gone?
0:24:09 > 0:24:13We Romans build our villas with stones and plaster,
0:24:13 > 0:24:17and I asked that fur ball what Celts make their walls out of.
0:24:17 > 0:24:21and it is only sticks and - get this -
0:24:21 > 0:24:24animal poo.
0:24:24 > 0:24:25Ugh!
0:24:25 > 0:24:28But how is Mrs Celt faring at the Roman villa?
0:24:28 > 0:24:29Hello...oh!
0:24:29 > 0:24:31Sorry, sorry!
0:24:31 > 0:24:35It's the price you pay for having such long, beautiful Celtic hair.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37- I'm Geldir. - You're a bit late, aren't you?
0:24:37 > 0:24:39I was expecting you first thing.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41But it is first thing!
0:24:41 > 0:24:42But it's nightfall.
0:24:42 > 0:24:46But to us Celts, nightfall is the start of the new day.
0:24:46 > 0:24:47I see!
0:24:47 > 0:24:51Well, I'm afraid you've missed supper. It's a shame,
0:24:51 > 0:24:54I've laid on peacock rissoles. But do have an apple!
0:24:54 > 0:24:56What on Earth is that?!
0:24:56 > 0:24:57It's fruit! You eat it.
0:24:57 > 0:25:00It's delicious, we brought them over from Italy.
0:25:05 > 0:25:07That's not half bad!
0:25:07 > 0:25:09We're off to a good start!
0:25:09 > 0:25:10THEY LAUGH
0:25:10 > 0:25:14So, will dinner time in the Celtic hut go smoothly?
0:25:14 > 0:25:18- Are you no' hungry? - No, I think I've lost my appetite.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21I'd like to go to bed now. Can you show me where my bedroom is, please?
0:25:21 > 0:25:24- HE LAUGHS - Bedroom? That's a good one!
0:25:24 > 0:25:28We have a wolf skin on the floor over there to keep you warm.
0:25:30 > 0:25:31CRACKING Ow!
0:25:31 > 0:25:33I cut my foot!
0:25:33 > 0:25:34What...?
0:25:34 > 0:25:35Ewww!
0:25:35 > 0:25:38It...it's his teeth and...
0:25:38 > 0:25:40Ooh, that's a nasty cut.
0:25:40 > 0:25:44We'll soon sort that out with top-of-the-range Celtic medicine!
0:25:44 > 0:25:47- HE WHISTLES - Here, boy!
0:25:47 > 0:25:49- A lick of the dog's tongue'll heal that up! - BARKING
0:25:49 > 0:25:52- HE WHISTLES - Here, boy! Where is he?
0:25:52 > 0:25:54- Here, boy! - HE CHUCKLES
0:25:54 > 0:25:56Where is the...
0:25:56 > 0:25:57Hello?
0:25:57 > 0:26:00How are the sleeping arrangements in the luxurious Roman villa?
0:26:00 > 0:26:04- You'll be staying in the guest bedroom this evening.- On the floor.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06- On the bed!- A bed!
0:26:06 > 0:26:08- Oh!- You should be warm enough,
0:26:08 > 0:26:12I've got the slaves stoking the central heating.
0:26:12 > 0:26:15And in the morning, you can just have a nice, hot bath.
0:26:15 > 0:26:17A hot bath?!
0:26:17 > 0:26:20Or a dip in the mosaic pool in the peacock garden, if you prefer.
0:26:20 > 0:26:23Then the slaves will get you dressed.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26Oh! I think I'm going to like it here after all!
0:26:26 > 0:26:30This new Roman fruit is delicious!
0:26:30 > 0:26:33Apples, pears, plums...
0:26:33 > 0:26:34Yummy!
0:26:34 > 0:26:37And they've even brought new animals over to Britain, too.
0:26:37 > 0:26:39And they're so cute!
0:26:39 > 0:26:41MIAOWING Oh, look! Here's one now!
0:26:41 > 0:26:43Here, puss-puss!
0:26:43 > 0:26:45Here, puss...ow!
0:26:45 > 0:26:46Well, the wife swap is over
0:26:46 > 0:26:50and it's clear not everyone has enjoyed their experience.
0:26:50 > 0:26:53I have had the most awful time.
0:26:53 > 0:26:57You Celts - you eat like animals, you sleep on the floor,
0:26:57 > 0:26:59your huts are made of animal poo,
0:26:59 > 0:27:02decorated with severed heads,
0:27:02 > 0:27:03you're savages.
0:27:03 > 0:27:05All right, dear, no need to be rude.
0:27:05 > 0:27:07No, Marcus! I'm sorry.
0:27:07 > 0:27:09I want you to take me back to Rome.
0:27:09 > 0:27:12I miss the climate, the neighbours, the civilisation...
0:27:12 > 0:27:13Aye, that's right!
0:27:13 > 0:27:17You get yourselves back to Rome, ya stuck-up idiots!
0:27:17 > 0:27:22You might not appreciate our dirty, stinky hut, but tae us, it's home!
0:27:22 > 0:27:25When you talk to my wife like that, I will get angry.
0:27:25 > 0:27:27Get out of here, pal!
0:27:27 > 0:27:29- Nasty.- Come on, love.
0:27:29 > 0:27:31Let's go home.
0:27:31 > 0:27:33Any chance you could take me with you? Oh!
0:27:35 > 0:27:37# Tall tales, atrocious acts
0:27:37 > 0:27:38# We gave you all the fearsome facts... #
0:27:38 > 0:27:41Want to travel through the time series with me?
0:27:41 > 0:27:45Then play Horrible Histories, Terrible Treasures.
0:27:45 > 0:27:48Go to the CBBC website and click on Horrible Histories.
0:27:48 > 0:27:52# Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories. #
0:27:52 > 0:27:53Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:27:53 > 0:27:55E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk