0:00:02 > 0:00:04# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians
0:00:04 > 0:00:07# Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights
0:00:07 > 0:00:10# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians
0:00:10 > 0:00:13# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times
0:00:13 > 0:00:15# Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless
0:00:15 > 0:00:18# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages
0:00:18 > 0:00:23# Gory stories, we do that And your host, a talking rat
0:00:23 > 0:00:27# The past is no longer a mystery Welcome to...
0:00:27 > 0:00:32# Horrible Histories. #
0:00:38 > 0:00:40The Roman army defeated all who stood in their way
0:00:40 > 0:00:42as they marched through Europe
0:00:42 > 0:00:45and generals who were outstanding in battle
0:00:45 > 0:00:48were honoured with a victory parade called a Roman Triumph.
0:00:48 > 0:00:53- 4,996.- What are we on, Calculus?
0:00:53 > 0:00:554,996 barbarians killed, sir.
0:00:55 > 0:00:57What about that one there with the axe?
0:00:57 > 0:01:01- I can't give you that one, sir. He's still moving.- You can now.
0:01:01 > 0:01:034,997.
0:01:03 > 0:01:06This will be the first time I've ever killed 5,000 enemies
0:01:06 > 0:01:10in one battle and qualified for a Roman Triumph.
0:01:10 > 0:01:13Just need three more. Ha!
0:01:13 > 0:01:16Two more and then yours truly will be parading
0:01:16 > 0:01:18in a chariot through the streets of Rome
0:01:18 > 0:01:21to the wild adulation of the crowd.
0:01:22 > 0:01:24Oh, please. Oh, please.
0:01:26 > 0:01:30- Ooh, is that one there? - Yes, I'll give you that.
0:01:30 > 0:01:35He's moving, but he's not going anywhere without his head. 4,999.
0:01:35 > 0:01:37Get in! Come on!
0:01:37 > 0:01:38One more.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41The might of Rome is too much.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43We surrender.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46What's that? You refuse to surrender?
0:01:46 > 0:01:47Carry on fighting, everyone.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50The battle is over. You have won this day.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55Ha, look he threw his weapons at me.
0:01:55 > 0:01:56Fight on, men.
0:01:56 > 0:02:02- No, General, he's surrendered. - La, la, la. I can't hear you.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04We can't keep fighting them if they've surrendered.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07I only need one more death to get my Triumph, my parade.
0:02:07 > 0:02:11Just write one down, will you? Look, that one looks dead there.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14He's waving.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16Are you going to help me or not?
0:02:16 > 0:02:18I will not lie on my battle report.
0:02:18 > 0:02:23You're either with me or against me.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26Thank you.
0:02:26 > 0:02:31And one more enemy dead, makes 5,000. Yay!
0:02:31 > 0:02:335,000.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35Got 5,000.
0:02:35 > 0:02:39- How did we lose to this lot? - 5,000, 5,000. Come on, everybody.
0:02:39 > 0:02:415,000.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43If you were awarded a Roman Triumph,
0:02:43 > 0:02:46you paraded through the streets of Rome on a chariot.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49You can read all about it in a book.
0:02:49 > 0:02:50That's right, a book.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53An exciting new Roman invention.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56Intuitive, revolutionary.
0:02:56 > 0:02:57Ancient Rome is delighted to announce
0:02:57 > 0:03:02the launch of the all new aBook, the take-anywhere reading solution.
0:03:02 > 0:03:06aBook is amazing. Up until now the only way to get your
0:03:06 > 0:03:10poetry to the masses was by writing it down on long, awkward scrolls.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12Or by shouting really loud.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14Now aBook has changed all that.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16With new aBook you simply turn the page,
0:03:16 > 0:03:20using the unique turnable pages to reveal new information.
0:03:20 > 0:03:24By writing data on both sides of the page, new aBook holds
0:03:24 > 0:03:27more information in less space than anything that's gone before.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30What's more, the unique hardwearing cover means
0:03:30 > 0:03:35your writing is safe from anything the Roman world might throw at it.
0:03:35 > 0:03:36Well, within reason.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39Incredibly clever yet incredibly simple,
0:03:39 > 0:03:45aBook is the new book that rewrites the book on writing books.
0:03:45 > 0:03:49- And coming soon from the makers of aBook, aNother Book.- Oh, no.
0:03:49 > 0:03:53I just got used to using this one and they're bringing another one out?
0:03:53 > 0:03:56Typical. Ha-ha. Funny.
0:03:59 > 0:04:02Bonjour and welcome to Middle Ages France.
0:04:02 > 0:04:08Home to poor peasants like me and rich aristocrats like this prankster.
0:04:08 > 0:04:12Woo-hoo! Hey. What's up, prank fans?
0:04:12 > 0:04:17My name is Robert Artois and you are watching You've Been Artois'd.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20The red-hot hidden camera show that is both wook and gnarly.
0:04:20 > 0:04:26You see, I know those words. I am street, no? Woo-hoo, that's right.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28OK, as usual we have rigged up
0:04:28 > 0:04:31my beautiful French crib with the coolest, most up-to-date pranking
0:04:31 > 0:04:34technologies the Middle Ages can offer.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36All we need now is some friends to come round,
0:04:36 > 0:04:41some dukes and duchesses, and then we crank up the pranks.
0:04:41 > 0:04:44All right, top of the pops. Let's go.
0:04:47 > 0:04:51Woo-hoo! Looks like we got a bite, my prank friends.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53Right there is Angelina, she's a good friend of mine,
0:04:53 > 0:04:55a real good friend of mine.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58She's also a princess from the neighbouring county.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01Awesome.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04Woo-hoo. Now, what Angelina does not know is
0:05:04 > 0:05:08I have buried this water pipe in the middle of my garden path.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11It is specially designed to spray cold jets of water
0:05:11 > 0:05:13up ladies' dresses.
0:05:13 > 0:05:14Boom-boom bang-bang, baby.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18Ssh.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21SHE SCREAMS
0:05:22 > 0:05:25Yeah! Woo-hoo! Ha, ha.
0:05:25 > 0:05:29- You've been Artois'd.- What?- You've been Artois'd.- What do you mean?
0:05:29 > 0:05:34I mean you've been Artois'd, as in me, Robert of Artois. You know me?
0:05:34 > 0:05:36We met at the Count De Crystal's dinner party.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39You looked so beautiful that night...
0:05:39 > 0:05:42That is not important. What's important is you've been Artois'd.
0:05:42 > 0:05:47- Why do you keep saying that? - Because you've been Artois'd, girl.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50Woo-hoo. Look who else has popped by to say hi.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53It's my main man, the Portuguese ambassador.
0:05:53 > 0:05:58Boom, baby. It's my spitting statue. Ah, and he's fallen in the nettles.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01Excellent. Time for me to go and say hello.
0:06:01 > 0:06:04Ah, I will kill whoever did this.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07Maybe I just leave it for a little bit, OK? OK.
0:06:09 > 0:06:10Ssh.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14Woo-hoo! Ha-ha.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17My best blood the Lord D'Enfry has just been Artois'd.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19You've been Artois'd.
0:06:19 > 0:06:23I think I need a doctor. My leg is broken.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26All right! Top of the pops.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30OK, I think you will agree,
0:06:30 > 0:06:32these dudes have made excellent sports, no?
0:06:32 > 0:06:34Ha-ho! High five, big brother.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36- Who are you?- OK, then.
0:06:36 > 0:06:40Next week we have more fun, we have more pranks...
0:06:40 > 0:06:44- Ha, you've been Artois'ded. - It's Artois'd. Artois'd, yeah?
0:06:44 > 0:06:46No, that is not cool.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49That is not cool.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53I thought you were my friend.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02Ah, this is the life, isn't it?
0:07:02 > 0:07:05Me own boy joining me in the family business.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08So proud of you, son.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11Right, let's get cracking.
0:07:11 > 0:07:14This poo isn't going to shift itself.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16- Dad?- Yes, son.
0:07:16 > 0:07:18I'm not sure this job's for me.
0:07:18 > 0:07:22Is it me? Is it my chatter? I know I can go on a bit.
0:07:22 > 0:07:23No, Dad. It's not you.
0:07:23 > 0:07:27- It's the poo.- What about the poo? - Don't tell me you can't smell it.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29No.
0:07:29 > 0:07:33If I'm honest, when you first told me I was going to be a gong farmer,
0:07:33 > 0:07:36I pictured fields and fresh air.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39- Not this.- Look, gong means poo
0:07:39 > 0:07:42and your family has been shovelling it up for generations.
0:07:42 > 0:07:47Plus, you get sixpence a day and it's a regular nine-to-five job.
0:07:47 > 0:07:50I mean, granted it is nine in the evening until five in the morning,
0:07:50 > 0:07:54- but you can't have everything, can you son, eh?- It's no good, Dad.
0:07:54 > 0:07:58- Gong farming just isn't my thing. - What are you going to do?
0:07:58 > 0:08:01My friend's dad is taking me on as an apprentice. He's a tanner.
0:08:01 > 0:08:04- A tanner?- I'll learn how to make leather.
0:08:04 > 0:08:09- What about the family business? - I just don't want to work with poo.
0:08:13 > 0:08:20That's it, lad. Shove the dead animal skin right into the poo, right down.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22Smells like it needs a bit more chicken poo.
0:08:29 > 0:08:33Did you know the stinky fumes were sometimes so bad that gong farmers
0:08:33 > 0:08:36passed out and drowned in poo?
0:08:36 > 0:08:40There's no nice way of writing that obituary, I can tell you.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43There was no sewer system in Tudor times.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46Instead, toilet waste collected in cesspits,
0:08:46 > 0:08:48which sometimes had to be emptied out.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50KNOCKING
0:08:51 > 0:08:53Your Highness,
0:08:53 > 0:08:57honour that cannot be expressed in words and joy that cannot be...
0:08:57 > 0:09:00- Yes, yes. Do you have a toilet? - Your Majesty?
0:09:00 > 0:09:03Oh, come on, it's a perfectly simple question, Sir Thomas.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06- Do you have a toilet? - Yes, yes. It's up the stairs.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09Excellent. Yes, this will do.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12The toilets at Hampton Court
0:09:12 > 0:09:15are having their annual clear-out, emptying out all of the um...
0:09:15 > 0:09:19- Oh, what's that word that queens don't say?- Poo, Your Majesty.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21Exactly. The problem is it makes the palace
0:09:21 > 0:09:23rather smell of um... Say it.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25- Poo, Your Majesty.- Exactly.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28Which is rather unpleasant on my delicate little nose.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30So I thought I might come and stay here.
0:09:30 > 0:09:34- Of course, Your Majesty. - For a couple of months.- Months?
0:09:34 > 0:09:36Is there a problem, Sir Thomas?
0:09:36 > 0:09:39Bearing in mind that I am the queen and everything.
0:09:39 > 0:09:41Not at all, Your Majesty.
0:09:41 > 0:09:42My house is your house.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44Well, it's not really, is it?
0:09:44 > 0:09:46Your house is much smaller
0:09:46 > 0:09:49and less impressive than my house but it doesn't smell of...
0:09:49 > 0:09:52- Poo, Your Majesty.- Exactly.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54But does my queen not worry that my
0:09:54 > 0:09:58humble accommodation may simply not be big enough for us all?
0:09:58 > 0:10:01Hm, yes. You might be right.
0:10:01 > 0:10:04Right, well, you and your family had better clear off.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06Go and live in a tent for a few weeks.
0:10:06 > 0:10:10- I don't think... - Excellent, then it's decided.
0:10:10 > 0:10:14I shall move in here with my furniture, servants and courtiers
0:10:14 > 0:10:17and you and your family shall go and live in the garden.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19- Any questions?- Well...- Good.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22If there's anything else you need don't hesitate to...
0:10:22 > 0:10:24Key.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26Cheers.
0:10:27 > 0:10:30Well, it's always nice to have visitors.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46It's false.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49Urgh!
0:10:54 > 0:10:59Four eager chefs, four historical eras, but just one prize.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02Who will be crowed Historical MasterChef?
0:11:02 > 0:11:05We are looking for an exceptional cook
0:11:05 > 0:11:08who does exceptional cooking, exceptionally.
0:11:08 > 0:11:13I'm shouting for no reason whatsoever.
0:11:15 > 0:11:2028-year-old Kamaho has come all the way from Mexico in the 1300s
0:11:20 > 0:11:24and is hoping to wow the judges with some Aztec home cooking.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26So, Kamaho, what are you cooking for us today?
0:11:26 > 0:11:30- Argh!- Well, I was going to do crickets as the starter.
0:11:30 > 0:11:33Oh, hang on, you've got one on your head. Don't move.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36- Missed.- No, I think you got him.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38Now his starter has escaped,
0:11:38 > 0:11:41Kamaho must impress the judges with the rest of his Aztec meal.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44There are so many fantastic Aztec dishes to choose from.
0:11:44 > 0:11:48Iguana, salamander, howler monkey.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50What's a howler monkey?
0:11:50 > 0:11:54It's a monkey whose howl is so loud it can be heard three miles away.
0:11:54 > 0:11:58- Must be the loudest creature on Earth.- It's one of them.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00- What's that?- Carrot.- Yeah, I know.
0:12:00 > 0:12:01I was a greengrocer.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08Kamaho is serving up a main course of hot dog surprise.
0:12:08 > 0:12:13- Now, I suppose the surprise is it's real dog.- Oh, no. Of course not.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15I mean, it is real dog.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18We Aztecs eat dog all the time, so that's not the surprise.
0:12:18 > 0:12:23The surprise is I stuffed the tortilla full of red-hot chillies.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26Argh! Argh!
0:12:28 > 0:12:31After the reception for his main course,
0:12:31 > 0:12:34Kamaho is pinning his hopes on his final dish.
0:12:34 > 0:12:37I'm getting freshness, coolness. It's soothing.
0:12:37 > 0:12:42- What is it exactly?- Frogspawn with tadpoles and lake scum biscuits.
0:12:45 > 0:12:49Kamaho, your starter went missing,
0:12:49 > 0:12:53your main course was inedible, your dessert was untouchable.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56But I really like what you've done to Gregg.
0:12:56 > 0:13:00- Argh.- For that reason, you're through to the next round.
0:13:00 > 0:13:04- Congratulations. You agree, don't you?- Urgh.- That's a yes.
0:13:07 > 0:13:11The Aztecs used to eat a special breed of small dog which
0:13:11 > 0:13:15had virtually no hair. The dogs didn't need it in the hot climate.
0:13:15 > 0:13:18I ate some dog once, but I had trouble keeping it down.
0:13:18 > 0:13:19Down boy, down. Ha, ha, ha!
0:13:19 > 0:13:24Aztecs really did eat dog though, as well as howler monkeys.
0:13:28 > 0:13:33SHOUTING: I've worked out why we keep getting hunted by Aztecs.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35Oh, have you? Why's that, then?
0:13:35 > 0:13:39It's cos we make such a loud noise we're easy to find.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41Oh, I see.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44So that's why we're whispering.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46Precisely.
0:13:53 > 0:14:01The comfiest of beds. The tastiest of food and five-star service.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03Stay here and you won't want to leave.
0:14:03 > 0:14:07In fact, you won't be able to.
0:14:07 > 0:14:08It's a prison.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10Yes, here at Newgate Prison,
0:14:10 > 0:14:14you'll be able to enjoy the utmost Georgian luxury.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16As long as you've got the money to pay for it.
0:14:16 > 0:14:20Yes, in return for a simple bribe, they'll unlock your manacles
0:14:20 > 0:14:22for a while,
0:14:22 > 0:14:25let you receive visitors in your private room
0:14:25 > 0:14:27and even let you keep pets.
0:14:27 > 0:14:30I'd like a pig.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32Pigs aren't allowed, filthy animals.
0:14:32 > 0:14:37In fact, here at Newgate Prison you can live in comfort and luxury.
0:14:37 > 0:14:40As long as you don't run out of cash.
0:14:40 > 0:14:41Right then, you.
0:14:41 > 0:14:45Let's get you out of this private room, get you in a crowded cell
0:14:45 > 0:14:48with the rest of the criminal scum. Come on!
0:14:49 > 0:14:53You're in luck, a room's just become available.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57Newgate Prison.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00Book early to avoid disappointment.
0:15:00 > 0:15:03If you couldn't afford the nice rooms,
0:15:03 > 0:15:05conditions in Newgate were quite disgusting.
0:15:05 > 0:15:09The prison was riddled with lice and fleas and, believe me,
0:15:09 > 0:15:11I know what that feels like. Oh!
0:15:11 > 0:15:15Oh! So Newgate was the most famous Georgian prison,
0:15:15 > 0:15:19time to meet the most famous Georgian criminal - Dick Turpin.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21Ow, ow, ow! No biting, no biting.
0:15:24 > 0:15:27Everyone thinks they know the story Of Dick Turpin's highway glory
0:15:27 > 0:15:30But my past is far more gory I was no saint
0:15:30 > 0:15:34You think life is one big antic My profession is romantic
0:15:34 > 0:15:36Hate to be pedantic But it ain't
0:15:43 > 0:15:47- Ho!- As a butcher down in Essex I was handy with a knife
0:15:47 > 0:15:51Had a side-line as a poacher Led a less than honest life
0:15:51 > 0:15:54The notorious gang of Gregory Liked my style and dedication
0:15:54 > 0:15:58They signed me up and gave me a real robber's education
0:15:58 > 0:15:59# We rampaged through the Essex farms
0:15:59 > 0:16:01# We stole and robbed and fought
0:16:01 > 0:16:04# But when the law came for us I escaped and they got caught
0:16:04 > 0:16:11- # I became a highway man Was daylight robbery- Ho!
0:16:11 > 0:16:18- # I was no Prince Charming Nothing dandy about me- Ho! #
0:16:18 > 0:16:21The truth is I was violent And with my good mate Matt King
0:16:21 > 0:16:24Robbed travellers at gunpoint Money, watches, anything
0:16:24 > 0:16:27My horse it wasn't called Black Bess
0:16:27 > 0:16:30Although that's what you've read Was no romantic hero
0:16:30 > 0:16:31Shot not one but two men dead
0:16:31 > 0:16:35# The legend that surrounds me Misses out the crucial part
0:16:35 > 0:16:38# I was a ruthless killer With a ruthless killer's heart
0:16:38 > 0:16:45- # Was a vicious highwayman A source of pain and tears- Ho!
0:16:45 > 0:16:52- # When you hear how my story ends You won't believe your ears- Ho! #
0:16:52 > 0:16:55I ran away to Yorkshire Changed my name to John Palmer
0:16:55 > 0:16:58Was sent to prison after stealing chickens from a farmer
0:16:58 > 0:17:02Wrote a letter to my family A plea it did relate
0:17:02 > 0:17:05The postman saw the envelope And here's the twist of fate
0:17:05 > 0:17:08He had taught me how to write So he knew I'd lied
0:17:08 > 0:17:12"That's not John Palmer's hand That's Dick Turpin's," he cried
0:17:12 > 0:17:18- # Was a vicious highwayman My crimes had brought me fame- Ho!
0:17:18 > 0:17:21# Was stitched up by a postie
0:17:21 > 0:17:26- # That's not glamorous, that's lame- Ho!
0:17:26 > 0:17:32- # No more stand and deliver You'll remember this, I hope- Ho!
0:17:32 > 0:17:35# It's no fun hanging with highwaymen
0:17:35 > 0:17:39# When you're hanging from a rope. #
0:18:01 > 0:18:03Ooh, thank you very much.
0:18:13 > 0:18:17If you got injured in Viking times, we had some pretty strange ways of
0:18:17 > 0:18:18making you better.
0:18:20 > 0:18:21All right, all right.
0:18:21 > 0:18:25- Don't worry, an ambulance is going to be here soon.- Make way, make way.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27Make way, make way, woman.
0:18:27 > 0:18:30- Historical paramedics.- You don't look like paramedics.- We're Vikings.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32Don't worry, we're very advanced.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34We can handle anything, from setting broken bones,
0:18:34 > 0:18:37to delivering babies and surgery to magic spells.
0:18:37 > 0:18:38What was the last bit?
0:18:38 > 0:18:41It doesn't matter, what's important is we save your friend.
0:18:41 > 0:18:44- He's been stabbed.- I don't think so. - Clean the wound.
0:18:44 > 0:18:46First things first. He could have been cursed.
0:18:46 > 0:18:50We need the healing stone from the sword that stabbed him up.
0:18:50 > 0:18:53It wasn't a sword. He fell off his bike.
0:18:53 > 0:18:55Ah, try this. It might work.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57No, it's not working, Nigel.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00- We need blood. We need blood! - What, you mean a transfusion?
0:19:00 > 0:19:03No, we need the blood from a bull that this man has killed,
0:19:03 > 0:19:05then we spread it over the hillside
0:19:05 > 0:19:07and leave meat for the elves.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09Their magic can save us.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11He hasn't killed a bull.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13Really? What do you people do all day?
0:19:13 > 0:19:17Geoff, I think it's getting worse. This wound could be deep.
0:19:17 > 0:19:19- He urgently needs soup. - No, he needs hospital.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21Will you stop making words up and listen?
0:19:21 > 0:19:24We feed him a soup made of onions, leeks and herbs.
0:19:24 > 0:19:26Then we sniff the wound. If we can smell the soup,
0:19:26 > 0:19:28that means the belly is punctured.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30If we can't smell the soup, that means the wound
0:19:30 > 0:19:32isn't as severe as we first thought.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34No, I can't smell anything.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37- Shall we do a blood test to be sure?- That sounds sensible.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39- Start licking his shirt. - But clearly isn't.
0:19:39 > 0:19:43Internal wound blood tastes different to that of a flesh wound.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46We can determine how serious the wound is by tasting the blood.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48- Well?- Strawberry. Ooh, it's nice.
0:19:48 > 0:19:53But it's not blood. He's just dropped his ice cream, hasn't he?
0:19:54 > 0:19:57He lives! Good work, Geoff.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00Let us carve runic symbols into a whalebone to ensure
0:20:00 > 0:20:02this young man's good health.
0:20:02 > 0:20:07THEY CHANT AND SING
0:20:07 > 0:20:09SIRENS WAIL
0:20:09 > 0:20:14- Sounds like a proper ambulance. We'd best go.- Run away, run away!
0:20:16 > 0:20:18Excuse me, sir. Oh, no.
0:20:18 > 0:20:20Jane bring the Medikit.
0:20:20 > 0:20:23Oh, and some stain remover.
0:20:28 > 0:20:32Polite Victorian society had lots of rules of etiquette
0:20:32 > 0:20:35which dictated how men and women should behave towards each other.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37Good day.
0:20:37 > 0:20:42I just left the pheasant where it was and shot Mr Harrington instead.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46Oh, Mr Darbley, I've never known such a great wit.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48Oh, you're too kind.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51- Well, this looks as good a spot as any.- Oh, yes, it's perfect.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53I must say, Miss Pennywhistle,
0:20:53 > 0:20:56you really are the most pleasant of company.
0:20:56 > 0:20:59Charming of character, bright of mind and with
0:20:59 > 0:21:02as pretty a smile as I have ever...
0:21:02 > 0:21:05- I have never known such rudeness. - What's that?
0:21:05 > 0:21:09Sitting next to a lady in the countryside is entirely improper.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12- The very height of Victorian rudeness.- I'm sorry.
0:21:12 > 0:21:17Perhaps this humble sandwich would serve by way of an apology.
0:21:17 > 0:21:21Perhaps. What, pray tell, is in the sandwich?
0:21:21 > 0:21:23Cheese and onion.
0:21:23 > 0:21:26Rudeness that cannot be counted on one's fingers or measured
0:21:26 > 0:21:29- in one's heart.- What now?
0:21:29 > 0:21:31Cheese and onion, Mr Darbley?
0:21:31 > 0:21:34There is nothing more rude in polite Victorian society
0:21:34 > 0:21:36than for a man to smell of onion.
0:21:36 > 0:21:38Yes, of course.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41Well, happily there are plenty of non-onion
0:21:41 > 0:21:43based delights within the hamper.
0:21:43 > 0:21:46I'll just attend to this nosebleed you appeared to have caused
0:21:46 > 0:21:50- caused and I'll... Oh, what? - Rudeness beyond human comprehension.
0:21:50 > 0:21:55- Come on!- Blowing your nose in public is the height of bad manners.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58As it would seem are most things, Miss Pennywhistle.
0:21:58 > 0:22:03May I ask where polite Victorian society stands on apple pie?
0:22:03 > 0:22:05Apple pie?
0:22:05 > 0:22:08Is it considered discourteous, offensive or uncultured?
0:22:08 > 0:22:10Well, no.
0:22:10 > 0:22:13Is it rude, ill-mannered,
0:22:13 > 0:22:17- improper or indiscrete? - I don't believe so, no.
0:22:17 > 0:22:21So just to clarify, you have no objection whatsoever to apple pie?
0:22:21 > 0:22:23No, of course not.
0:22:23 > 0:22:24Good.
0:22:26 > 0:22:29Just be thankful I forgot the cream.
0:22:31 > 0:22:34Well, he's the rudest man I've ever met.
0:22:36 > 0:22:39But he sure can bake.
0:22:46 > 0:22:47It's true.
0:22:54 > 0:22:58Yes, life in Victorian England could be quite complicated.
0:22:58 > 0:23:04Lady Penelope, we've been courting for ten years now
0:23:04 > 0:23:07and there's something I must say to you as a matter of urgency.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09Yes, Lord Percival, say it
0:23:09 > 0:23:10and say it now,
0:23:10 > 0:23:14for if my heart beats any faster I will surely faint.
0:23:14 > 0:23:20- I...- Yes?- I...- Yes?- I...- Yes?
0:23:21 > 0:23:22Lost for words?
0:23:22 > 0:23:25Then why not say it with flowers?
0:23:25 > 0:23:28With the new Victorian floral messaging system
0:23:28 > 0:23:31you can literally say it with flowers, because each flower
0:23:31 > 0:23:33means a different thing, yeah?
0:23:33 > 0:23:35A red tulip means I love you.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37A forget-me-not means true love.
0:23:37 > 0:23:41A cactus flower means I really love you.
0:23:41 > 0:23:43Whatever you need to say, say it with flowers.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46Do you by any chance have one that means "I love someone else"?
0:23:46 > 0:23:50And another that means "and it's your best friend"?
0:23:50 > 0:23:53I can do you a hyacinth.
0:23:53 > 0:23:58- I'll take all you've got. - Or for you, an orange lily.
0:23:58 > 0:24:01Just give me the cactus. You!
0:24:01 > 0:24:03Whatever you need to say,
0:24:03 > 0:24:07say it with flowers, with the new Victorian floral messaging system.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11Well, I think I got that message.
0:24:11 > 0:24:16Anyone got any tweezers? Tweezers?
0:24:16 > 0:24:21The Victorian language of flowers is known as floriography.
0:24:21 > 0:24:24And here's another example, a dried-out white rose meant,
0:24:24 > 0:24:26"I'd rather be dead than go out with you".
0:24:26 > 0:24:29Well, either that or "I can't afford a new rose".
0:24:34 > 0:24:36The famous Battle of the Somme in 1916
0:24:36 > 0:24:39was supposed to be the campaign that would finish
0:24:39 > 0:24:43the First World War for good, but that's not quite how it turned out.
0:24:43 > 0:24:47Ah, Corporal. Do you have an update for me?
0:24:47 > 0:24:50I'm pleased to report, sir, that the Somme campaign is over.
0:24:50 > 0:24:54Brilliant. I told you my World War One trench warfare tactics
0:24:54 > 0:24:55were state of the art.
0:24:55 > 0:25:00So, how much land have we taken back off those dastardly Germans?
0:25:00 > 0:25:03Well, sir, we have pushed the enemy back...
0:25:04 > 0:25:07- Two miles.- Two?
0:25:07 > 0:25:09Oh, that's not very much, is it?
0:25:09 > 0:25:11Well, progress nevertheless, what?
0:25:11 > 0:25:14I think we should celebrate a job well done.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16It has taken five months, sir.
0:25:16 > 0:25:19It's always the negatives with you, isn't it, Corporal?
0:25:19 > 0:25:21Modern warfare takes time, man.
0:25:21 > 0:25:26It's cost us 620,000 men, sir.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28Oh, that is rather a lot, isn't it?
0:25:28 > 0:25:32But on the plus side we are two miles nearer to Berlin, what?
0:25:32 > 0:25:35- How much further to go? - 490 miles, sir.
0:25:35 > 0:25:39I see. So we've only moved two miles in five months.
0:25:39 > 0:25:42At this rate we should be in Berlin by... Don't tell me.
0:25:42 > 0:25:47490 divided by two, times by five, carry over the do-dah
0:25:47 > 0:25:49and that what's-my-face.
0:25:49 > 0:25:51It's over 100 years, sir.
0:25:51 > 0:25:55Oh, well, we won't be alive then, will we?
0:25:55 > 0:25:58- Not with you in charge, sir, no.- Hm.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05Not as tasty as it looks.
0:26:07 > 0:26:12In World War One, bombs used the explosive TNT which is made from
0:26:12 > 0:26:14glycerine which comes from fat.
0:26:14 > 0:26:19So during the war we needed lots and lots of fat. Yuk!
0:26:22 > 0:26:26Hello. I'm the Fat King. I know what you're thinking.
0:26:26 > 0:26:29He's not fat, he's not a king. Well, you're right on both counts.
0:26:29 > 0:26:33They call me that because I'm the boss here and this is my fat factory.
0:26:36 > 0:26:41Yes, come down to our fat extraction factory where we'll even turn your
0:26:41 > 0:26:42animal poo into fat.
0:26:42 > 0:26:48# Bring us a big smelly cowpat and let us turn it into fat at... #
0:26:50 > 0:26:53We'll even convert your waste food into fat.
0:26:53 > 0:26:56# Don't leave food stuff for the rat
0:26:56 > 0:26:59# When we can turn it into fat at... #
0:27:01 > 0:27:04You'll be surprised with what we can turn into fat.
0:27:04 > 0:27:07We'll even take your dead horse.
0:27:07 > 0:27:09# If your horse was hit by a German shell
0:27:09 > 0:27:12# Bring him here when he starts to smell
0:27:12 > 0:27:15# We'll melt him down It won't take long
0:27:15 > 0:27:17# And stick his remains in a big old bomb. #
0:27:17 > 0:27:22The Germans will be surprised when we fire old Dobbin back at them.
0:27:22 > 0:27:24So don't delay, come to the...
0:27:25 > 0:27:27Today!
0:27:31 > 0:27:34Girls! You're not filming, are you?
0:27:34 > 0:27:37# Tall tales, atrocious acts, we gave you all the fearsome facts... #
0:27:37 > 0:27:42Want some more Horrible Histories? Come with me down the time sewers.
0:27:42 > 0:27:46Go to the CBBC website and click on Horrible Histories.
0:27:46 > 0:27:47See you down there.
0:27:47 > 0:27:48# ..a mystery
0:27:48 > 0:27:54# Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories. #