0:00:02 > 0:00:04# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians
0:00:04 > 0:00:05# Woeful Wars, ferocious fights
0:00:05 > 0:00:07# Dingy castles, daring knights
0:00:07 > 0:00:08# Horrors that defy description
0:00:08 > 0:00:09# Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians
0:00:09 > 0:00:11# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes
0:00:11 > 0:00:12# Punishments from ancient times
0:00:12 > 0:00:13# Romans - rotten, rank and ruthless
0:00:13 > 0:00:15# Cavemen - savage, fierce and toothless
0:00:15 > 0:00:18# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages
0:00:18 > 0:00:20# Gory stories, we do that
0:00:20 > 0:00:23# And your host, a talking rat
0:00:23 > 0:00:26# The past is no longer a mystery
0:00:26 > 0:00:27# Welcome to
0:00:27 > 0:00:30# Horrible Histories. #
0:00:38 > 0:00:39Ugh, it's freezing!
0:00:39 > 0:00:41Tell me about it. I made this cup of tea
0:00:41 > 0:00:45two minutes ago, and now look at it. It's like a tea lollipop.
0:00:45 > 0:00:49I think I'm getting frostbite. I've lost all the feeling in my t-toes.
0:00:49 > 0:00:51Come here, then. Let's huddle up.
0:00:51 > 0:00:53Ooh! You are cold, ain't ya?
0:00:53 > 0:00:55It's these th-thin uniforms.
0:00:55 > 0:00:58- MAN:- Somme Times! - Newspaper? Brilliant!
0:00:58 > 0:01:01- I'll take a couple. Thanks, mate. - Newspaper?
0:01:01 > 0:01:05- I'm shaking too much to read a newspaper.- No, it's not for reading.
0:01:05 > 0:01:06You stick it up your shirt.
0:01:06 > 0:01:10It's like an extra layer of insulation. There. Any warmer?
0:01:10 > 0:01:13- No.- Oh.
0:01:13 > 0:01:16When I had frostbite last year, the doctor told me to strip off,
0:01:16 > 0:01:19and then he rubbed me down with a cloth covered in snow.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21Did it help?
0:01:21 > 0:01:24- No. Made it much worse, come to think of it.- At ease, men.
0:01:24 > 0:01:26Ooh, what you got there, then, sir?
0:01:26 > 0:01:29- Something to warm you up. - Oh! Is it a Lancashire hotpot?
0:01:29 > 0:01:33- No, it's whale oil.- Oh, that stinks!
0:01:33 > 0:01:35- I'm not eating that. - Don't be ridiculous.
0:01:35 > 0:01:38Don't eat it. I want you to smear it over your bodies.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40- Weird.- Army orders, lads.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42Before going out on patrol in cold weather,
0:01:42 > 0:01:46- each man must be stripped and coated in melted-down whale fat.- Well,
0:01:46 > 0:01:48if it keeps a whale warm...
0:01:48 > 0:01:51- OK? Now, smear away.- Oh!- That's it.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54- Are you feeling any warmer? - Not at all.
0:01:54 > 0:01:57Lads, well, grab your guns, and let's head out on patrol.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59It's slippy.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01- I can't... - GUN FIRES
0:02:01 > 0:02:04- MAN:- Watch it!- Sorry.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07It could get really cold in the trenches,
0:02:07 > 0:02:10and there wasn't much food to eat either,
0:02:10 > 0:02:12so nothing went to waste. Ha!
0:02:12 > 0:02:16'Four eager chefs, four historical eras, but just one prize.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18'Who will be crowned Historical MasterChef?'
0:02:18 > 0:02:24Whoever wins this competition, it will change...their...lives!
0:02:24 > 0:02:26What...he...said!
0:02:29 > 0:02:33'Ernie is a World War I soldier who has to prepare his own meals
0:02:33 > 0:02:35'from limited rations.'
0:02:35 > 0:02:37Mate, mate, mate, mate, you can't do that.
0:02:37 > 0:02:38That's unhygienic.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40Aw, but it feels so good.
0:02:40 > 0:02:43I've been stuck in those freezing trenches for months. Months!
0:02:43 > 0:02:45You can't leave these... Ugh!
0:02:45 > 0:02:49Yeah, my socks are a bit riddled with lice, I'm afraid.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51- Don't worry, mate. You get used to the itching.- Do you?
0:02:51 > 0:02:55No. Still, waste not, want not, eh?
0:02:55 > 0:02:56Ugh!
0:02:56 > 0:02:59- The red ones are more juicy.- Ugh!
0:02:59 > 0:03:03'With Gregg deloused, it's time to find out
0:03:03 > 0:03:04'what Ernie will serve up.'
0:03:04 > 0:03:07OK, everyone, time's up.
0:03:07 > 0:03:12Stop cooking meals of food.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15Well, first up, I've made dog and maggot.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17Not actual dog and maggot?
0:03:17 > 0:03:21Oh, no, no, no, that's just trench talk for bread and cheese.
0:03:21 > 0:03:24- I'm following that with baby's head. - Right, not actual babies?
0:03:24 > 0:03:29No, no, not actual babies. That's trench talk for meat pudding.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32It's called that cos it looks bit like a baby's head.
0:03:32 > 0:03:36And, lastly, my piece de resistance, messenger pigeon pie!
0:03:36 > 0:03:38- Now you're talking! - Just to double check,
0:03:38 > 0:03:40not actual messenger pigeon?
0:03:40 > 0:03:43Yeah, actual. Well, we weren't sending any messages,
0:03:43 > 0:03:46so waste not, want not.
0:03:47 > 0:03:51Talking of which...
0:03:51 > 0:03:52Not bad.
0:03:52 > 0:03:56Ernie, your food was disgusting.
0:03:56 > 0:03:59However, we admired your resourcefulness.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01We're putting you through to the next round.
0:04:01 > 0:04:05- Congratulations, mate. - Oh, that's wonderful. Thank you.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07- Ugh. What is this?- Tea -
0:04:07 > 0:04:10from stale rainwater I scooped out a dirty shell hole.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12Fla-la-la-la-la!
0:04:12 > 0:04:14Does give you diarrhoea if you're not used to it.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17- HE BREAKS WIND - Ugh, I don't think
0:04:17 > 0:04:18I'm going to make it!
0:04:18 > 0:04:20Waste not, want not, eh?
0:04:21 > 0:04:23HE BREAKS WIND Ugh, still not used to it,
0:04:23 > 0:04:24still not used to it!
0:04:26 > 0:04:28Ha ha ha!
0:04:28 > 0:04:32Did you know, when World War I soldiers finished off tins of jam,
0:04:32 > 0:04:36they'd sometimes fill the tins with explosives and use them as grenades?
0:04:36 > 0:04:39Imagine if they lobbed the wrong one, eh?
0:04:39 > 0:04:41"Agh, I'm wounded and I've been hit by a grenade!
0:04:41 > 0:04:44"Oh, no, hold on, it's just jam!"
0:04:54 > 0:04:58Hello, and welcome to the News At When. When? The Saxon era,
0:04:58 > 0:05:02when Britain was being shaped by invaders from mainland Europe.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04To find out more, we go over now to
0:05:04 > 0:05:07Bob Hale with the Anglo-Saxon Report. Bob.
0:05:07 > 0:05:08Thank you, Sam. Well, it's 400AD,
0:05:08 > 0:05:11that right there is Britain, and here comes the King,
0:05:11 > 0:05:13in a bedsheet! Ha ha! No, not really.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16It's a Roman emperor, because Britain is under Roman rule,
0:05:16 > 0:05:18just as it has been for more than 350 years.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20But that is about to change,
0:05:20 > 0:05:22because in the year 410, the unthinkable happens,
0:05:22 > 0:05:26so unthinkable, in fact, that I can't think of it. What was it now?
0:05:26 > 0:05:28The Roman Empire crumbles. The Romans leave Britain
0:05:28 > 0:05:32with the line, "Don't forget to put the cat out," something like that,
0:05:32 > 0:05:35and that's when the problems start. With the Romans gone,
0:05:35 > 0:05:38the Picts from up in Scotland decide to invade England,
0:05:38 > 0:05:41so the king of the Britons, Vortigern, hires a load of warriors
0:05:41 > 0:05:44from Denmark and Germany to help him fight the Picts.
0:05:44 > 0:05:47Amongst these warriors are Hengist and Horsa, who decide that
0:05:47 > 0:05:50they like Britain so much, they'd like to keep some of it.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52Luckily, Hengist has a beautiful daughter,
0:05:52 > 0:05:55so, in one of the weirdest deals in history,
0:05:55 > 0:05:58he offers King Vortigern his daughter's hand in marriage
0:05:58 > 0:06:02in return for Kent - yep, Kent - and that's just the start of it.
0:06:02 > 0:06:05So, seeing how easy it is to get your hands on English lands,
0:06:05 > 0:06:07there are Danes and Germans everywhere.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10Invaders from Angeln take over the Midlands and the north.
0:06:10 > 0:06:13Invaders from Saxony take over huge chunks of the south.
0:06:13 > 0:06:16Yes, England gets overrun with Angles and Saxons,
0:06:16 > 0:06:18making it officially Anglo-Saxon -
0:06:18 > 0:06:20and you thought we'd just made that term up!
0:06:20 > 0:06:23So there we have it, England's story, end of the line, end of the pier,
0:06:23 > 0:06:26last dance, lights off, cat's out, done. But not for long.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29Under Anglo-Saxon rule, Britain changes shape,
0:06:29 > 0:06:32although obviously not around the edges. Inside, though,
0:06:32 > 0:06:36it's all change as the invaders shape their lands into seven major kingdoms
0:06:36 > 0:06:40called Wessex and Essex and so on. But it's not all plain sailing.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43They can't conquer Scotland for toffee -
0:06:43 > 0:06:47a shame, as Scotland's got great toffee -
0:06:47 > 0:06:51while the kingdoms in the west aren't thrilled about the neighbours.
0:06:51 > 0:06:55Relations get so bad that King Offa of Mercia, shown here in puce,
0:06:55 > 0:06:59whatever that is, builds a ditch, cutting off the west -
0:06:59 > 0:07:04the border of what we call Wales. So there we have it, Scotland, Wales,
0:07:04 > 0:07:08Anglo-Saxon England all sitting side by side in perfect harmony,
0:07:08 > 0:07:11bar a little name-calling and the odd local war.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13But not for long. It's 865,
0:07:13 > 0:07:16and lock up your monasteries, because here come the Vikings!
0:07:16 > 0:07:19In no time, they take over every major Anglo-Saxon kingdom
0:07:19 > 0:07:22except for this one, Wessex, home of Alfred the Great,
0:07:22 > 0:07:25who clearly has a high opinion of himself, and for good reason,
0:07:25 > 0:07:28because Alfie managed to hold back the Vikings. But not for long.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30Well, it's for quite a while.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33No, eventually Aethelred the Unready becomes King and gets so sick of
0:07:33 > 0:07:36the Viking attacks that he's never ready for
0:07:36 > 0:07:38that he decides to kill every Viking in England,
0:07:38 > 0:07:42including the King of Norway's sister, which doesn't go down
0:07:42 > 0:07:45too well with the King of Norway, who promptly invades England,
0:07:45 > 0:07:49takes Aethelred's crown and becomes the first Viking King.
0:07:49 > 0:07:52Cnut, Harthacnut, a quarter of a Cnut - except not the last one -
0:07:52 > 0:07:55until, in 1042, an Englishman gets the throne again.
0:07:55 > 0:07:59It's Edward the Confessor, hurray! And he then goes and dies, boo!
0:07:59 > 0:08:02Three people fight over who should replace him.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05An Englishman, a Norman and a Viking - sounds like a joke, but it isn't -
0:08:05 > 0:08:08especially for the Englishman, Harold Godwinson,
0:08:08 > 0:08:11who takes the crown and is set upon by the other two.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13While he's fighting off the Viking one here,
0:08:13 > 0:08:17the Norman one, William the Conqueror, attacks down there.
0:08:17 > 0:08:191066, the Battle of Hastings - not only the end of Harold,
0:08:19 > 0:08:22but also the end of the Anglo-Saxon England altogether,
0:08:22 > 0:08:25the end of the line, the end of the road,
0:08:25 > 0:08:27the end of the world, and unless I calm down,
0:08:27 > 0:08:31in the next few seconds it might well be the end of dear old Bob.
0:08:31 > 0:08:32Oh, it's too late! Agh! Ugh!
0:08:32 > 0:08:36My mistake, it's just heartburn. Back to you, Sam.
0:08:39 > 0:08:43We Saxons were defeated by Norman duke William the Conqueror.
0:08:43 > 0:08:49He was a pretty ruthless character, and he always got his own way.
0:08:49 > 0:08:53'He was the vicious, arrogant Norman duke who would one day rule England.'
0:08:53 > 0:08:56Oh, really? Good, I like England!
0:08:56 > 0:09:01Apart from the weather. Oh, and the food. And the people.
0:09:01 > 0:09:05She was the beautiful granddaughter of the French king.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07Grandpapa, can I have a pony?
0:09:07 > 0:09:10- Yes, have 100 ponies. - I love you, Grandpapa.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13'And when William asked for her hand in marriage,
0:09:13 > 0:09:16'there was only ever going to be one answer.'
0:09:16 > 0:09:20No way. I'm way too posh for that stinky Duke William.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22I'm going to marry a prince or something.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25'But William wouldn't take "non" for an answer.
0:09:25 > 0:09:30'He set off on a journey to win the heart of the beautiful princess.'
0:09:30 > 0:09:32- Stand up.- I am standing up.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35Wow, you're very small.
0:09:35 > 0:09:38Yeah, I'm, like, four foot. What do you want?
0:09:38 > 0:09:40I want you to marry me.
0:09:40 > 0:09:42I will never marry you.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44Hmm, we'll see about that.
0:09:44 > 0:09:48'Duke William used all his charm to make Matilda fall in love with him.'
0:09:48 > 0:09:50Marry me!
0:09:50 > 0:09:52No!
0:09:53 > 0:09:55Marry me!
0:09:55 > 0:09:57No!
0:09:58 > 0:10:00Marry me!
0:10:00 > 0:10:02- OK!- Great.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04'Hey, whoa, whoa, now, hang on a minute.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06- 'What was all that about?'- All what?
0:10:06 > 0:10:10'All that - you pulling her hair and pushing her in the mud and stuff.'
0:10:10 > 0:10:12It's just what happens. She said no,
0:10:12 > 0:10:15so I pulled her hair and then I pushed her in the mud and...
0:10:15 > 0:10:16'But you can't do that.'
0:10:16 > 0:10:18I know, was terrible, but actually
0:10:18 > 0:10:21he turned out to be a really good husband.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23Yeah, we were together 30 years.
0:10:23 > 0:10:24We had 11 beautiful children.
0:10:24 > 0:10:27'Yeah, but it's kind of... But I...'
0:10:27 > 0:10:32- BOTH:- What? - 'Ah, forget it. So, where were we?
0:10:32 > 0:10:37'Coming soon to a cinema near you, Mud & Matilda, a tale of loving...
0:10:37 > 0:10:41- 'and shoving.' - Oi! I already said yes!
0:10:41 > 0:10:42Oh, sorry.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44My bad.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47'Rated unreasonable.'
0:11:13 > 0:11:16Us Georgians loved a good day out, but some of the things
0:11:16 > 0:11:19we went to see could be considered very cruel.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25This is Jessica Harvey-Smythe,
0:11:25 > 0:11:28reporting from the hottest ticket in Georgian England.
0:11:28 > 0:11:33It's London's latest attraction, London Bedlam, a fun day out for
0:11:33 > 0:11:37all the family, and with entrance costing just one penny,
0:11:37 > 0:11:39it's a sell-out.
0:11:39 > 0:11:42I can't wait to see what all the fuss is about.
0:11:43 > 0:11:48And here it is, the first exhibit, and it's...
0:11:48 > 0:11:51He-He's... I'm sorry, I'm confused.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54- Who is he?- Oh, I don't know. He's just a mad person.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57- Don't go near him, Anne. He may bite you.- What, this man is mad?
0:11:57 > 0:12:01- Yes, he's clinically insane. - Shouldn't he be in hospital?
0:12:01 > 0:12:03- This is a hospital. - Brilliant, isn't it?
0:12:03 > 0:12:07Ah, it seems that Georgians are paying money
0:12:07 > 0:12:10to go to a mental institution to laugh at the afflicted.
0:12:10 > 0:12:15He's not doing anything. Throw something at him, Augustus.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18Rubbish. Who else is there?
0:12:18 > 0:12:22There's John Frith, the madman who tried to kill George III,
0:12:22 > 0:12:26James Hadfield, the madman who tried to kill George III
0:12:26 > 0:12:31and Margaret Nicholson, the madwoman who tried to kill George III.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34Seems like a lot of people want to kill George III.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36I'm not surprised if he lets this vile practice go on.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39This is Jessica Harvey-Smythe reporting from
0:12:39 > 0:12:43the most unpleasant spectacle in Georgian Britain.
0:12:43 > 0:12:47- Oh, I'm bored now. Shall we go and see the public hanging?- Oh, lovely.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50Or perhaps the number two.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05The answer is...
0:13:05 > 0:13:08c) 96,000 visitors went along to have a look
0:13:08 > 0:13:11at those less fortunate than themselves.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14Georgian entertainment could be pretty strange,
0:13:14 > 0:13:17as were some of the things they thought were good for you.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19'Introducing new Solomon's Water,
0:13:19 > 0:13:22'the Georgian tonic for health and wellbeing,
0:13:22 > 0:13:26'made from the purest spring water - except with mercury in it. Eh?
0:13:26 > 0:13:29'Crisp and clear as a mountain stream,
0:13:29 > 0:13:32'apart from the poisonous metal content. Hang on.'
0:13:32 > 0:13:37I drink Solomon's Water every day and I've never felt better.
0:13:37 > 0:13:42Oh, dear, can't see, can't hear, can't stand. Agh!
0:13:42 > 0:13:45It's the mercury that lends new Solomon's Water
0:13:45 > 0:13:47that unique metallic taste,
0:13:47 > 0:13:50and we Georgians are pretty sure it's good for you.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52The loss of sight, hearing, balance,
0:13:52 > 0:13:56sensation and, occasionally, life are just a coincidence.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58- Help!- Probably.
0:14:02 > 0:14:03'Are you sure we should be
0:14:03 > 0:14:05'telling people to drink this stuff, Leonard?'
0:14:16 > 0:14:19Greetings, my denizens of death.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22I am Vincenzo Laughoff,
0:14:22 > 0:14:29and this week's sca-ary story is The Mystery Of Motecuhzoma!
0:14:31 > 0:14:33The year was...
0:14:35 > 0:14:38..a year so terrifying, I dare not speak it,
0:14:38 > 0:14:42when an eerie series of strange and unnerving events unfolded
0:14:42 > 0:14:45in the distant South American capital
0:14:45 > 0:14:47of Tenochtitlan.
0:14:47 > 0:14:51Yes, Tenochtitlan.
0:14:51 > 0:14:55And mighty Emperor Motecuhzoma had no idea of the fate that was about to
0:14:55 > 0:14:59befall him when haunting visions began to curse his land.
0:14:59 > 0:15:04First, in the ocean off the Aztec coast, a mysterious house appeared
0:15:04 > 0:15:07in the turbulent waves, somehow moving towards the land.
0:15:07 > 0:15:11Then, ghostly figures appeared on the shoreline, pale creatures
0:15:11 > 0:15:15that looked like men but acted like gods,
0:15:15 > 0:15:17and, from this house of horror,
0:15:17 > 0:15:19from its very bowels... PARP!
0:15:19 > 0:15:21Yeah, I don't think we need a sound effect
0:15:21 > 0:15:22for the word "bowels". PARP!
0:15:22 > 0:15:26No, I don't want to hear that particular sound effect
0:15:26 > 0:15:27ever again, OK?
0:15:27 > 0:15:32And, from this house of horror, from its very bowels...
0:15:33 > 0:15:37..unearthly monsters were unleashed, demons with the bodies of wild deer
0:15:37 > 0:15:41but the arms and heads of men, each of them gripping a silver wand
0:15:41 > 0:15:44that smashed flames, striking the Aztecs dead.
0:15:44 > 0:15:47And as Motecuhzoma watched the carnage he wailed,
0:15:47 > 0:15:49"What are these demonic creatures?"
0:15:49 > 0:15:52Well, little did he know the chilling truth.
0:15:52 > 0:15:54These unearthly creatures were not
0:15:54 > 0:15:56demons or monsters nor aliens nor gods.
0:15:56 > 0:15:59They were Spaniards!
0:15:59 > 0:16:02What?
0:16:02 > 0:16:07And the house in the sea was a Spanish galleon.
0:16:07 > 0:16:11The ghostly figures were just invading Spanish soldiers,
0:16:11 > 0:16:14the flaming wands were guns and the half deer, half men,
0:16:14 > 0:16:16they were just people on horses.
0:16:17 > 0:16:20Let's clear this up once and for all.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22Ghosts, scary.
0:16:22 > 0:16:24Vampires, scary.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27Spanish blokes on horses, not scary.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29You're just making me look like an idiot.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34Ow! Right, either the sound girl goes or I do.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37Right, fine, I'll go.
0:16:37 > 0:16:40The minute I finish lunch.
0:16:40 > 0:16:44Yes, to us Aztecs, the invading Spaniards were very scary,
0:16:44 > 0:16:47but the way they fought was really unfair.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50'Warrior - fight your way through history.'
0:16:52 > 0:16:55'Be a Spanish conquistador determined to conquer
0:16:55 > 0:16:58'the tribes of Central America and run off with their treasure.'
0:16:58 > 0:17:01Spanish conquistador, selected.
0:17:03 > 0:17:06'Or, be a battle-hardened Aztec warrior,
0:17:06 > 0:17:08'fearless defender of a proud nation.'
0:17:08 > 0:17:10Aztec warrior, selected.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13'Warrior! Which warrior is mightier?'
0:17:13 > 0:17:15Play begins.
0:17:15 > 0:17:18Ow, ow, ow...
0:17:18 > 0:17:19GUN FIRES
0:17:19 > 0:17:21Play again.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24Player two, Aztec reinforcements selected.
0:17:24 > 0:17:26Player one, weapons cheat.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29'Choose a weapon the Aztecs have never seen before...'
0:17:29 > 0:17:31- Cannon.- Argh!
0:17:31 > 0:17:33Horse.
0:17:33 > 0:17:36Warning - smallpox virus outbreak.
0:17:36 > 0:17:40'..and spread diseases the Aztecs have never experienced.'
0:17:40 > 0:17:44Ten million Aztecs wiped out. Game over.
0:17:44 > 0:17:50'Warrior - no fear, no mercy, no immunity.'
0:17:50 > 0:17:54It's true, the Aztecs didn't stand much of a chance against
0:17:54 > 0:17:58the superior Spanish weaponry, but they stood no chance whatsoever
0:17:58 > 0:18:00against the Spanish germs.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02Their bodies had no defence against smallpox,
0:18:02 > 0:18:06and it practically wiped the Aztecs out. Do you know, if I'm honest, er,
0:18:06 > 0:18:08I'd rather just do the funnies.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11Can we not get a badger or something to do the serious stuff?
0:18:16 > 0:18:19We Romans had enemies all over Europe.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21We couldn't understand what they were saying
0:18:21 > 0:18:25because we didn't speak the same language. To us, when they talk,
0:18:25 > 0:18:27they just sounded like, "Bah, bah, bah,"
0:18:27 > 0:18:29so we called them all barbarians,
0:18:29 > 0:18:32even though there were lots of different tribes.
0:18:32 > 0:18:37'In this week's Danke magazine it's our barbarian fashion special.
0:18:37 > 0:18:41'Find out what's in and what's out for all the leading German tribes,
0:18:41 > 0:18:42'like the Burgundians...'
0:18:42 > 0:18:45Red hair is definitely in!
0:18:45 > 0:18:50Not only is my red hair beautiful, but it's also a sign of fierceness.
0:18:50 > 0:18:56Plus keeping it long gives me - hmm - magic powers! How sassy!
0:18:56 > 0:18:57'..the Franks...'
0:18:57 > 0:19:00We Franks like to shave our hair at the back
0:19:00 > 0:19:04and have a fringe at the front. Well, it's important to
0:19:04 > 0:19:06look your best when you're the last thing
0:19:06 > 0:19:09a Roman soldier is ever going to see.
0:19:09 > 0:19:12'And grooming tips you thought the Burgundians wouldn't tell.'
0:19:12 > 0:19:15How do I keep my hair so glossy?
0:19:15 > 0:19:20I put butter in it. That's why I look good enough to eat. Ouch!
0:19:20 > 0:19:23And there's more. I'll show you how to keep your horse warm
0:19:23 > 0:19:28with this designer Alan blanket, made from the skin of your enemies.
0:19:28 > 0:19:32- Mm, smells good.- 'Wow, that sounds great. Thanks, Alan.'
0:19:32 > 0:19:36No, my name is not Alan. My name is Frank. I'm from the Alan tribe.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38- 'Sorry.'- It's OK.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40And I'm Alan the Frank.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42- Really?- No, I make the joke!
0:19:42 > 0:19:44Ha ha ha! My name's actually Helmut.
0:19:44 > 0:19:48'All this and lots, lots more, only in this week's Danke magazine.
0:20:04 > 0:20:07The answer is a).
0:20:07 > 0:20:10Emperor Honorious hid in his country mansion with his pet chickens
0:20:10 > 0:20:14when Rome finally fell. But the invading Goths turned out
0:20:14 > 0:20:16not to be as destructive as he might have feared.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26Oh, come on, Lucius -
0:20:26 > 0:20:28Rome will have fallen by the time you make your move.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30Rome has fallen!
0:20:30 > 0:20:36- What did I just say?- The days of the Roman Empire are finally at an end.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38Now, the Goth tribes rule Rome.
0:20:38 > 0:20:41Yeah! Et cetera.
0:20:41 > 0:20:45Soon, we shall be tearing down the great buildings of your empire,
0:20:45 > 0:20:49filling it with crudely-built mud huts.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52Yeah! Although, now that you say it out loud,
0:20:52 > 0:20:55it just feels like a waste. Could we not at least keep the Colosseum?
0:20:55 > 0:20:57Yeah, I suppose we could keep that.
0:20:57 > 0:21:00The aqueduct is handy for carrying
0:21:00 > 0:21:02the fresh water around the city.
0:21:02 > 0:21:05Yeah, I was going to say aqueduct, actually. You know, we need
0:21:05 > 0:21:08a fresh water supply. We're not animals. Is that not right, Neil?
0:21:11 > 0:21:13So, we're just tearing down the houses, then?
0:21:13 > 0:21:16Of course we are, yeah!
0:21:16 > 0:21:18No, no, no, no, wait, wait, wait,
0:21:18 > 0:21:21wait, wait, wait. What is this? Er, it is stone, yeah?
0:21:21 > 0:21:22- Mm.- You know, I like it.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24I have an idea. Isn't it easier just to move into
0:21:24 > 0:21:28these houses rather than smash them down and build new mud ones, yeah?
0:21:28 > 0:21:32So let me get this straight, we are only going to smash the statues?
0:21:32 > 0:21:34Yeah, of course, smash them down!
0:21:34 > 0:21:36Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
0:21:36 > 0:21:39You know, I like the statues, they really hold the room together.
0:21:39 > 0:21:42I tell you what, we're going to keep the arenas,
0:21:42 > 0:21:45the plumbing, the fresh waterworks of course, the houses, the statues
0:21:45 > 0:21:49and anything else of artistic and cultural significance, yeah?
0:21:49 > 0:21:54Er, so what are you going to be destroying then, exactly?
0:21:54 > 0:21:58I tell you what we are going to be destroying exactly.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01Neil, the jug.
0:22:01 > 0:22:02No, no, no, no, no, no,
0:22:02 > 0:22:04not the big one, I like the big one. The little one.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08Whoops.
0:22:08 > 0:22:10THEY LAUGH
0:22:10 > 0:22:12So we're just stealing stuff?
0:22:12 > 0:22:15Of course we're going to steal stuff! But first of all...
0:22:15 > 0:22:18Wow, I stink - hot sausage!
0:22:18 > 0:22:21- Who's for a Roman bath?- Yeah!
0:22:21 > 0:22:22Your face!
0:22:22 > 0:22:25Goth buffoons.
0:22:25 > 0:22:27Still, your go, Lucius.
0:22:27 > 0:22:28Agh!
0:22:35 > 0:22:38In Stuart times, we had some pretty odd ways of
0:22:38 > 0:22:41finding out how the human body works.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46- KNOCK - Come in.
0:22:46 > 0:22:50Am I not in already?
0:22:50 > 0:22:54- No, no, anything this side of the tree is in.- Ah, fair enough.
0:22:57 > 0:22:58Ah, hello there.
0:22:58 > 0:23:02- You must be my new apprentice. - Indeed, and you must be Dr Harvey.
0:23:02 > 0:23:05Indeed I am, indeed I am. Welcome to my surgery.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07Yes, it's, um...
0:23:07 > 0:23:09It's very...
0:23:09 > 0:23:11It's a field.
0:23:11 > 0:23:16Indeed it is, but not just any old field - it's a battlefield.
0:23:16 > 0:23:18- What?- Well, there is a civil war going on, you know.
0:23:18 > 0:23:23In fact, I think the battle should be starting any moment.
0:23:23 > 0:23:26- BANG - Ah, there it is.
0:23:26 > 0:23:29Well, don't just stand there, get down, you fool!
0:23:29 > 0:23:30What, and miss all the action?
0:23:30 > 0:23:32Ha ha, no, I don't think so.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35The battlefield is one of the very best places to study
0:23:35 > 0:23:38the inner workings of the human body.
0:23:38 > 0:23:42- You can't be serious! - For example, take this arm here.
0:23:42 > 0:23:47See how the blood runs through it. Woo, huh, and spurts out of it!
0:23:47 > 0:23:51This entirely supports my theory that the blood is pumped around
0:23:51 > 0:23:56the body in a continuous loop, a circulatory system if you like,
0:23:56 > 0:23:59powered by the heart - it's absolutely fascinating.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02You spend the battle studying anatomy?
0:24:02 > 0:24:04Oh, of course not, no.
0:24:04 > 0:24:07No, most of the time, ah, I like to read.
0:24:07 > 0:24:09Now then, where was I?
0:24:09 > 0:24:13This is madness, I'm getting out of here.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16Taking a little break, are you? Oh, good idea.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18Hm, could do with a little nap myself.
0:24:20 > 0:24:25Ah. Ah, hmm, no blankets, that's a shame.
0:24:25 > 0:24:29Oh, that's much better, yes, nice and warm.
0:24:29 > 0:24:33Sorry, chaps - would you mind keeping the noise down?
0:24:33 > 0:24:34Some of us are trying to sleep here.
0:24:37 > 0:24:41That's true, Dr William Harvey really did prove
0:24:41 > 0:24:44that blood circulates round the body from studying body parts
0:24:44 > 0:24:47left over after English Civil War battles.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50So, a big hand for Dr William Harvey, please.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53And a severed arm and a couple of legs! Ha ha!
0:24:53 > 0:24:56And if you want to find out more about the English Civil War,
0:24:56 > 0:24:57check out this lot.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07# We are the Roundheads We don't want kings no more
0:25:07 > 0:25:11# That's why we started the English Civil War
0:25:11 > 0:25:13# People say we're no fun But we disagree... #
0:25:13 > 0:25:17Especially when explaining Parliamentary democracy!
0:25:17 > 0:25:20We are particularly excited by notions of jurisprudence...
0:25:20 > 0:25:23# That's enough dullness, we're the Cavalier crew
0:25:23 > 0:25:27# Supporting King Charles and everything that he'll do
0:25:27 > 0:25:29# Puritans bore us, it's really a crime
0:25:29 > 0:25:33# When your Parliamentary business cuts our partying time
0:25:33 > 0:25:35# Roundheads, sound heads
0:25:35 > 0:25:36# Keep-the-music-down heads
0:25:36 > 0:25:37# Rules and regulations... #
0:25:37 > 0:25:39They're dull but fair!
0:25:39 > 0:25:41# Cavaliers, three cheers
0:25:41 > 0:25:42# Wackier headgears... #
0:25:42 > 0:25:45We live to boogie with our peers. Unfair? Don't care!
0:25:53 > 0:25:55# I am the King, I can do what I like
0:25:55 > 0:25:58# Start up a war or a big tax hike
0:25:58 > 0:26:00# Got a French wife, she's a Catholic... #
0:26:00 > 0:26:01Oh, Lor'!
0:26:01 > 0:26:04# Really, King Charles, we're not quite sure
0:26:04 > 0:26:08# Insolence - is that how you talk to the crown?
0:26:08 > 0:26:11# I am the King, I'll just close Parliament down... #
0:26:11 > 0:26:14I think you'll find that's in breach of due process.
0:26:14 > 0:26:18# Here's what we say to that - now clear up this mess
0:26:18 > 0:26:21# Roundheads, sound heads Witches-should-be-drowned heads
0:26:21 > 0:26:22# Don't believe in crowned heads... #
0:26:22 > 0:26:24Parliament's our thing.
0:26:24 > 0:26:25# Cavaliers, three cheers
0:26:25 > 0:26:27# Your superiors... #
0:26:27 > 0:26:31We're all toffs who cry, "Hear, hear," and, "God save the King!"
0:26:31 > 0:26:33Fight, fight, fight, fight!
0:26:34 > 0:26:37Fight, fight, fight, fight!
0:26:37 > 0:26:40Cavaliers, Roundheads - the English Civil War.
0:26:40 > 0:26:43- Why is it called Civil? - May I kill you, please?- Sure!
0:26:46 > 0:26:49# Love civil wars to be fought on this land
0:26:49 > 0:26:52# If I get to power, Christmas will be banned... #
0:26:52 > 0:26:56No chance, Cromwell - victory will be mine!
0:26:56 > 0:26:59# You'll never pass a ban on mince pies and mulled wine
0:26:59 > 0:27:02# That's what do you think - Just wait till you're caught
0:27:02 > 0:27:05# I'll also scrap theatre, music and sport... #
0:27:05 > 0:27:08You're pathetic - war will finish even before it's begun!
0:27:08 > 0:27:12- We've taken Charles prisoner, the Roundheads have won!- Oh.
0:27:12 > 0:27:14# Victory, three cheers
0:27:14 > 0:27:15# Cavaliers in tears
0:27:15 > 0:27:16# No power for you... #
0:27:16 > 0:27:18I'm the leader of the pack!
0:27:18 > 0:27:20# Charles' head, Roundhead... #
0:27:20 > 0:27:21Hurrah, now the King's dead!
0:27:21 > 0:27:24# Sins binned, instead a righteous track! #
0:27:24 > 0:27:26But we'll be back!
0:27:29 > 0:27:32Psst, can you keep a secret? No, me neither.
0:27:32 > 0:27:35I've just found some great games in the time sewers.
0:27:35 > 0:27:38Want to come and play? Go to the CBBC website
0:27:38 > 0:27:41and click on Horrible Histories. See you there.
0:27:41 > 0:27:43# Hope you enjoyed...
0:27:43 > 0:27:45# Horrible Histories. #