0:00:02 > 0:00:04# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians
0:00:04 > 0:00:07# Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights
0:00:07 > 0:00:10# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians
0:00:10 > 0:00:12# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times
0:00:12 > 0:00:15# Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless
0:00:15 > 0:00:18# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages
0:00:18 > 0:00:23# Gory stories, we do that And your host, a talking rat
0:00:23 > 0:00:27# The past is no longer a mystery Welcome to...
0:00:27 > 0:00:32# Horrible Histories. #
0:00:37 > 0:00:40Once upon a time a loving king married a beautiful queen
0:00:40 > 0:00:43and they lived happily ever after.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45Unfortunately this isn't that story.
0:00:45 > 0:00:50It's the story of Philip II of Spain and Mary I of England.
0:00:54 > 0:00:57Mm, if I married the Queen of England,
0:00:57 > 0:01:01I'll rule the two greatest powers in the world,
0:01:01 > 0:01:03the Spain and England.
0:01:03 > 0:01:06Great plan, Sire. Though I should warn you
0:01:06 > 0:01:09I have seen the Queen of England in an oil painting,
0:01:09 > 0:01:10and she's no oil painting.
0:01:10 > 0:01:14I don't care what she looks like, it's the power I'm after.
0:01:14 > 0:01:16Oh, aren't I bad!
0:01:16 > 0:01:20It was to be the happiest day of their lives.
0:01:20 > 0:01:22We are gathered here today
0:01:22 > 0:01:26to join this Queen and this King in holy matrimony.
0:01:26 > 0:01:28Oh, happy day.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34Time out.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38Your Majesty, remember the plan!
0:01:38 > 0:01:43If you marry Mary, you could be the most powerful man in the world.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46But look at the state of her! Hang on.
0:01:46 > 0:01:50I suppose I could marry her then run back to Spain,
0:01:50 > 0:01:56then I'd have all the power and never have to see her again.
0:01:56 > 0:02:00Ooh, I'm so bad! Go on, you can boo if you like.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05Right, I'm back.
0:02:05 > 0:02:08I now pronounce you man and wife.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10How about a kiss?
0:02:10 > 0:02:12Why not?
0:02:12 > 0:02:14I'm off.
0:02:18 > 0:02:22Has anyone got any matches? I fancy burning some Protestants.
0:02:26 > 0:02:27All right, how's it going?
0:02:27 > 0:02:30Oh, my life, is that the time? Later.
0:02:41 > 0:02:44Sire, your wife is dead.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46Oh, that is a weight off.
0:02:46 > 0:02:48Seriously, shall we have a party?
0:02:48 > 0:02:53It's too soon. Ooh! I can go to England now and claim the kingdom.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55There is a slight problem with that.
0:02:55 > 0:03:00Because you'd hardly ever been there and you're Catholic and foreign,
0:03:00 > 0:03:03they decided to give the crown to your wife's sister.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05Oh, the cheek of it.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11If I marry the new Queen of England,
0:03:11 > 0:03:17I'll rule the two greatest powers in the world, Spain and England.
0:03:17 > 0:03:21Ooh! Aren't I bad?
0:03:24 > 0:03:28Philip did propose to Mary's half sister Queen Elizabeth I,
0:03:28 > 0:03:30but she turned him down.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33I'm not sure he would have found her that much more attractive.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36As a famous monarch I'm always being asked
0:03:36 > 0:03:39how I keep my teeth looking so bright, white and healthy.
0:03:39 > 0:03:43Truly, you have the most beautiful teeth in the land, your majesty.
0:03:43 > 0:03:48I know. And it's thanks to all new Tudor Sugar-Paste toothpaste.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51The sugary paste in all-new Tudor Sugar-Paste toothpaste
0:03:51 > 0:03:53is made up of sugar in a paste.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56Just rub the sugary paste all over your teeth and gums
0:03:56 > 0:03:59and watch all that sugary goodness get to work.
0:03:59 > 0:04:03Yes, use all new Tudor Sugar-Paste toothpaste on your teeth
0:04:03 > 0:04:06and you too could have teeth just like Queen Elizabeth's!
0:04:06 > 0:04:09And the best thing is, sugar is so expensive in Tudor times,
0:04:09 > 0:04:12that only posh people can afford it.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15Plus, buy all-new Tudor Sugar-Paste toothpaste now
0:04:15 > 0:04:18and get this sugar mouth wash absolutely free.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21For sugary rotten teeth that say "I'm stinking rich."
0:04:21 > 0:04:23I'm stinking rich.
0:04:31 > 0:04:35Argh! When you spend months at sea like us pirates,
0:04:35 > 0:04:38you can't be too picky about what you eat now.
0:04:39 > 0:04:42Four eager chefs, four historical eras.
0:04:42 > 0:04:46But just one prize. Who will be crowned Historical Masterchef?
0:04:46 > 0:04:50I like eating nice food.
0:04:50 > 0:04:54And so do I. Ha ha ha!
0:04:56 > 0:04:59One-eyed Bart became cook onboard pirate vessel
0:04:59 > 0:05:01the Black Pig after he lost his arm.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04He could no longer climb the rigging or fight in battles.
0:05:04 > 0:05:09I like to think of it as not so much losing a hand as gaining a utensil.
0:05:09 > 0:05:10Ha ha haaa!
0:05:10 > 0:05:13- Lost it to a cutlass, so I did. - What about your eye?
0:05:13 > 0:05:19Oh, no, that was my fault. I got an itch in it and forgot about the hand.
0:05:19 > 0:05:20Ha ha ha ha!
0:05:20 > 0:05:26For his first course, Bart has prepared a traditional pirate soup.
0:05:26 > 0:05:30Well, the no-frills presentation is certainly original.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32What sort of meat is it exactly?
0:05:32 > 0:05:34It's turtle.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37- Can't eat turtle! - Oh, sure you can, man.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40They're the best type of food for a long voyage.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43You flip them on to their backs so they can't, you know, scamper away
0:05:43 > 0:05:47- and then you got all the fresh meat you want.- But aren't they endangered?
0:05:47 > 0:05:51They are when I'm around. Argh-haha!
0:05:53 > 0:05:57For his main course, Bart has prepared a spicy pirate stew.
0:05:57 > 0:06:02It's called salmagundi. Dig in, fellas, dig in.
0:06:02 > 0:06:06- Unusual taste combination. - What's in it?
0:06:06 > 0:06:09You got your pork, chicken, duck, pigeon,
0:06:09 > 0:06:12er, your whale, your seagull, your dolphin.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14I wondered where he'd got to.
0:06:16 > 0:06:20Yeah, we just keep the stew boiling away throughout the voyage
0:06:20 > 0:06:22and throw in any meat we lay our hands on.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25Do you mean to tell me that some of the meat in there
0:06:25 > 0:06:28- has been stewing away for weeks? - No, no. Months.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31- John, get me some water to get the taste out.- Can we get some water?
0:06:31 > 0:06:33- TRICKLING - What are you doing?
0:06:33 > 0:06:36Bart, what are you doing? Oh, that's happened.
0:06:36 > 0:06:40Well, when you run out of water on a pirate ship, it's drink wee or die.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43Mind you, some of me shipmates drank wee and died.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46And some went mad. Hurrgh! Not me though, no.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49I'm not going to drink your wee, mate.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52Does this mean I've not got through? JOHN CHUCKLES
0:06:52 > 0:06:56Bart, not in a million, billion years have you got...
0:06:56 > 0:07:00Congratulations, you are through to the next round. Well done, mate.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02That's wonderful news!
0:07:02 > 0:07:04Cheers! Mmm...
0:07:04 > 0:07:06HE GROANS
0:07:06 > 0:07:10Tchuh! You'd have to be pretty hungry to eat a rat. Ow!
0:07:10 > 0:07:14Unless, of course...ow! ..you were a flea. Ow! Stop it, Marcus.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17As well as some strange eating habits,
0:07:17 > 0:07:20pirates had some truly bizarre superstitions.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23Ow! Enough already! Huhhh!
0:07:23 > 0:07:26Pirate weather forecast with Captain Saltybeard.
0:07:26 > 0:07:31Ahoy my hearties, and welcome to the pirate weather forecast,
0:07:31 > 0:07:35predicting the weather using the very latest pirate superstitions.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38Arrr! Now a black cat was seen on a boat today,
0:07:38 > 0:07:41so tomorrow should be dry and sunny.
0:07:41 > 0:07:46Unless some scurvy land-lubbing knave has thrown that black cat
0:07:46 > 0:07:50out of the ship, in which case there will be wind and rain.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52Though not if you can see an albatross!
0:07:52 > 0:07:56Because if you can, it'll be lovely and sunny.
0:07:56 > 0:08:00Unless some weevil-eyed bilge for brain shoots it out of the sky!
0:08:00 > 0:08:03As that'll cause thunder and lightning
0:08:03 > 0:08:07and hail stones, which could make for a bit of a rough voyage.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10You'll be as sick as a parrot! As was my parrot.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13Looking ahead for the rest of the week,
0:08:13 > 0:08:15if you're sailing on Friday, don't.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18That's unlucky, it's when evil witches gather!
0:08:18 > 0:08:21And remember, if you're out on the high seas,
0:08:21 > 0:08:23then do please watch out for pirates.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26Cos we're coming to get ya! Good night.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34Some of the things poor Victorians did for money
0:08:34 > 0:08:38were pretty horrible to say the least. Good day.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41MUSIC: EASTENDERS THEME
0:08:43 > 0:08:48Oh! You're home early, how was your day at work?
0:08:48 > 0:08:51Yeah, not bad, Mummy. Mustn't grumble, mustn't grumble.
0:08:51 > 0:08:55It smells like you collected enough dog poo for the leather tanner.
0:08:55 > 0:08:59Yeah, and then the boss told me to stir all the poo in the tub.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01Oh, you're moving up in the world!
0:09:01 > 0:09:04Before you know it, he'll be paying you as well.
0:09:04 > 0:09:09- Cor, imagine!- Hello kids! Oh, there she is! Come here, you.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12Father, really! I've only just washed this outfit today.
0:09:12 > 0:09:15All right, sorry. Though tonight we have something to celebrate.
0:09:15 > 0:09:19Feast your mince pies on this.
0:09:21 > 0:09:22It's a handful of poo.
0:09:22 > 0:09:26Well, yeah. But look closer and...
0:09:26 > 0:09:30- Wow, a penny!- Oh, ain't you clever!
0:09:30 > 0:09:33Your old man has been out toshing.
0:09:33 > 0:09:37There I was traipsing my way through mile after mile of poo-filled sewer,
0:09:37 > 0:09:41looking for coins that had been dropped by the posh,
0:09:41 > 0:09:45when suddenly there it was, glinting away at me in the darkness.
0:09:45 > 0:09:49- Woah!- Well, after that hard day's work, what you both need
0:09:49 > 0:09:52is a nice hot bath.
0:09:53 > 0:09:58Oh, that's what I love about you, Mother, your sense of humour!
0:09:58 > 0:10:01- As if we have hot water. - Or a bath. Ha ha ha!
0:10:01 > 0:10:04Oh, and that's not the only good news.
0:10:04 > 0:10:09I've only gone and got myself an evening job, as a night soilman.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12- Cor!- From now on, your old man's going to spend his evenings
0:10:12 > 0:10:16collecting buckets of poo from other people's outside lavvies.
0:10:16 > 0:10:20Oh, and to think my father said you'd never amount to anything!
0:10:20 > 0:10:22Come here. BABY CRIES
0:10:22 > 0:10:24Oh, hey up.
0:10:24 > 0:10:27Think her nappy needs changing. I think it must be your turn.
0:10:27 > 0:10:30No, no way. That is disgusting.
0:10:32 > 0:10:37The practice of toshing for coins was only possible after 1865
0:10:37 > 0:10:41when Joseph Bazalgette invented the London sewer system,
0:10:41 > 0:10:43or as I like to call it, home.
0:10:43 > 0:10:47Before then, living conditions were even more unhealthy.
0:10:47 > 0:10:51Fortunately Victorian medicine was highly sophisticated.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53Yeah, right(!)
0:10:53 > 0:10:56Don't worry, Jenny. I've called an ambulance,
0:10:56 > 0:10:57they'll be here any minute.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00- Make way, make way, make way! - Historical paramedics.
0:11:00 > 0:11:04- You're paramedics?- Better. We're historical paramedics.
0:11:04 > 0:11:08- From Victorian England. God save the Queen!- God save the Queen!
0:11:08 > 0:11:11Now what appears to be the ailment?
0:11:11 > 0:11:13It's my sister, we were coming back from town
0:11:13 > 0:11:15and she has these terrible stomach pains.
0:11:15 > 0:11:17Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
0:11:17 > 0:11:19- That top hats are fabulous? - No. They are.
0:11:19 > 0:11:22I'm thinking that this lady has tapeworm.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25I concur. Nigel, fetch me our sharpest blade.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28- You need to operate?- No. I simply need to cut up this bacon,
0:11:28 > 0:11:31and fry it in close proximity to the patient.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34The smell should tempt the tapeworm out of her stomach
0:11:34 > 0:11:36because it wants to eat the bacon, thus curing her.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39- And does this bacon cure work? - Infrequently.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41- How infrequently?- Never. - Jeff, look!
0:11:41 > 0:11:45- She has some inflammation, it looks like a boil.- I concur.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48- Nigel, apply the warm porridge. - No, she's always had that.
0:11:48 > 0:11:51A wart, then. Nigel, this lady, this women,
0:11:51 > 0:11:55is riddled with warts. Bury some string in the ground immediately.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57- It's not a wart, it's a birth mark! - Is it?
0:11:57 > 0:12:00Hang on, I hear wheezing and congestion.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02- She's got a cold. - BOTH:- A cold?!
0:12:02 > 0:12:05- Nigel, fetch me a sock.- A sock?
0:12:05 > 0:12:08Don't worry, sir. A sweaty sock tied about the throat
0:12:08 > 0:12:12is thought to be the best cure for even the most persistent of colds.
0:12:12 > 0:12:13And that one is really sweaty.
0:12:13 > 0:12:18- I only change them once a week in case they're needed.- Sugar.- Treacle.
0:12:18 > 0:12:19That's an excellent cure for a cough.
0:12:19 > 0:12:23Mixed, of course, with beer, rum and vinegar.
0:12:23 > 0:12:27- Open up.- Get it down you, girl. In there.
0:12:27 > 0:12:31- What about the stomach pains? - SHOUTS: Does your tummy still hurt?
0:12:31 > 0:12:33- Oh, looks like ear ache. - Nigel, fetch me a potato.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35What potato?
0:12:35 > 0:12:39The topical application of a potato makes an excellent cure for ear ache.
0:12:39 > 0:12:41There we are, right as rain.
0:12:41 > 0:12:44No need to thank us, sir. Your smile is thanks enough.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46SIREN WAILS A proper ambulance!
0:12:46 > 0:12:49- Soon they will be upon us, we must flee.- Run away!
0:12:49 > 0:12:51- Run away.- Hop away.
0:12:51 > 0:12:52Oh, no!
0:12:52 > 0:12:57Those historical ones have been here again. Jane, bring some sponges.
0:12:57 > 0:13:02Oh, and maybe a pan. I think there's some bacon going.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09This is Stone Age Dragon's Den.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11It's about 1.5 million years ago
0:13:11 > 0:13:14and an early homo sapien thinks his amazing new invention
0:13:14 > 0:13:17might interest the Dragons.
0:13:17 > 0:13:21Hello Dragon, me name Ugg.
0:13:21 > 0:13:24Me present this.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27- Oh, not again.- How many times...
0:13:27 > 0:13:31we already have stone, it's Stone Age. Me out.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33- Me out.- No, no, wait.
0:13:33 > 0:13:37Looky, watch.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39Ugg's running out of time to impress the Dragons.
0:13:39 > 0:13:43Can his new use of stone win them over?
0:13:43 > 0:13:47Heh, heh... me call it fire.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50- Oh.- Fire!- Fire!
0:13:50 > 0:13:51ALL: Fire!
0:13:51 > 0:13:55It looks like the Dragons have declared themselves out.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57Aaahh!
0:13:57 > 0:14:00Oh, me invent burnt finger.
0:14:02 > 0:14:07What we call the Stone Age actually covers lots of different sub-eras.
0:14:07 > 0:14:11There's the Palaeolithic, the Mesolithic, the Neolithic.
0:14:11 > 0:14:15It's quite complicated, what's the best way of explaining it?
0:14:15 > 0:14:17Oh, I know, a song!
0:14:17 > 0:14:20# I'm sure you've heard the Stone Age occurred
0:14:20 > 0:14:24# For 2.5 million years
0:14:24 > 0:14:27# But there's more of Stone Age to engage
0:14:27 > 0:14:31# Than maybe it first appears
0:14:31 > 0:14:34# Dinosaurs, Neanderthals, let's make this clearer
0:14:34 > 0:14:37# Didn't live together, came from different eras
0:14:37 > 0:14:40# That's not all I can tell ya so much more to be known
0:14:40 > 0:14:43# About the many phases in the ages of Stone
0:14:43 > 0:14:46# Shooby dooby do wah, it's all the rage
0:14:46 > 0:14:50# To skiddly-bup do wah Brush up on you Stone Age, oh, yeah
0:14:50 > 0:14:52# All right
0:14:52 > 0:14:54# It's fine to define an era Palaeolithic
0:14:54 > 0:14:57# But you're gonna have to be a little more specific
0:14:57 > 0:15:00# Do you mean lower when ancient beings first used tools
0:15:00 > 0:15:03# Or Middle Palaeolithic when Neanderthal ruled
0:15:03 > 0:15:06# That's when homo sapien starts to emerge
0:15:06 > 0:15:09# But just in Africa, it's long before the global surge
0:15:09 > 0:15:12# Not till Upper Palaeolithic 40,000 years ago
0:15:12 > 0:15:16# Did Neanderthal and homo sapiens say hello
0:15:16 > 0:15:19# Neanderthal and homo sapi
0:15:19 > 0:15:22# Living in cave man harmony
0:15:22 > 0:15:24# Language was invented, cave painting art
0:15:24 > 0:15:27# Then Palaeolithic ended which meant the start
0:15:27 > 0:15:30# Of phase two-be-doobu-do-wop Turn a new page
0:15:30 > 0:15:33# Skiddly bup doo wah Bug up on the Stone Age
0:15:33 > 0:15:36# Oh yeah All right
0:15:36 > 0:15:39# This is where it starts to get all scientific
0:15:39 > 0:15:42# Palaeolithic's followed by the era Mesolithic
0:15:42 > 0:15:45# Then Neanderthals are wiped out by the Ice Age horrific
0:15:45 > 0:15:48# After which the Neolithic age was terrific
0:15:48 > 0:15:51# Man learned to farm, build homes so they could settle
0:15:51 > 0:15:54# Then some other folks turned up and they discovered metal
0:15:54 > 0:15:57# Bigger men from Europe found bronze and outgrown
0:15:57 > 0:16:00# The simple and traditional ways of stone
0:16:00 > 0:16:03# Bronze age was invented By now man was flying
0:16:03 > 0:16:06# Cos hot on its heels came the age of iron
0:16:06 > 0:16:09# Celts, druids, religion then Rome
0:16:09 > 0:16:12# By now a distance memory, those ages of stone
0:16:12 > 0:16:15# Shooby dooby do wah Since that metallic stage
0:16:15 > 0:16:17# Skiddly bup do wah There was no more Stone Age
0:16:17 > 0:16:21# Shooby dooby do wah Now you know what is known
0:16:21 > 0:16:24# About the many phases of the ages of stone
0:16:24 > 0:16:28# Yeah... All right! #
0:16:30 > 0:16:33Welcome back to Stone Age Dragon's Den.
0:16:33 > 0:16:36It's nearly a million and a half years later.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38Not much has been invented since fire,
0:16:38 > 0:16:42but Stone Age man has had a sudden burst of creativity.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44It's time for Arg to enter the den.
0:16:44 > 0:16:46Hello, Dragons.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48Me name Arg.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51Me invent this, right.
0:16:53 > 0:16:59- What is?- It change world. OK? It wheel, you wheel things, right?
0:16:59 > 0:17:02What wrong with drag things? No! Me out.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05Have you invented anything useful? I'm a busy man.
0:17:05 > 0:17:08Arg has one last chance to impress the Dragons.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11Me also invent this, right?
0:17:16 > 0:17:21- What is?- Is beer. Me make from barley.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24It grown-up drink. Not for kids.
0:17:24 > 0:17:26It make me feel very dizzy.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28Argh! Me invent big headache.
0:17:28 > 0:17:31- SLURS:- We give you plenty money.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33- Yes!- Light weights.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35Arg's beer has made a big impact,
0:17:35 > 0:17:39and for the first time in the den all the Dragons are in.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42Now all Arg needs to invent is a cure for the headache.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52Welcome back to HHTV Sport,
0:17:52 > 0:17:56bringing you live sporting events direct from the past.
0:17:56 > 0:18:00Today we've got exclusive coverage of the Olympics from ancient Greece,
0:18:00 > 0:18:04so let's go over to our commentary team in the year 400BC.
0:18:04 > 0:18:07Good afternoon, welcome to this afternoon's coverage.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10We're all set for the finals of the sprint
0:18:10 > 0:18:12which should be taking place in a couple of minutes.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15The athletes are naked... They're naked.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18The athletes are actually naked! Ha ha ha ha...
0:18:18 > 0:18:22- They're not ready, they're not ready. - No, we are ready, we run naked.
0:18:22 > 0:18:26- Over to you, Tanni.- It's how we run, man, it's an ancient Greek thing.
0:18:26 > 0:18:30OK! Over to you, Tanni, with the women's events please.
0:18:30 > 0:18:35Hi, I'll be covering all the women's events of these Olympics.
0:18:35 > 0:18:39Oh, erm...I'm just hearing there are no women's events.
0:18:39 > 0:18:42Women aren't allowed to take part at these Olympic games.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44Apparently they're not even allowed to watch!
0:18:44 > 0:18:48I guess it's an ancient Greek thing. Back to the studio.
0:18:48 > 0:18:51Right. Well, while we wait for something we can actually cover,
0:18:51 > 0:18:54let's just catch up with the Olympic medal table so far.
0:18:54 > 0:18:57Greece doing pretty well there, as you'd expect,
0:18:57 > 0:18:58no-one else is competing.
0:18:58 > 0:19:02So Greece top of the table there and indeed bottom.
0:19:02 > 0:19:05Speaking of bottoms, let's go back to John.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08Hello again. I'm pleased to say I'm standing with
0:19:08 > 0:19:10the fully clothed Euphemius.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13Er, shouldn't you be getting ready? You're on in a minute.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15I am ready. This is how we race.
0:19:15 > 0:19:18I thought you guys ran in the nude.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20No, no, no. This race is the hoplomachi.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22We run the whole thing in full armour,
0:19:22 > 0:19:24show off our military prowess.
0:19:24 > 0:19:27But it's just a running race. Why do you need a shield?
0:19:27 > 0:19:29It's an ancient Greek thing.
0:19:29 > 0:19:33When you're this close to the javelin area, it comes in handy.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35Over to you, Richard.
0:19:35 > 0:19:39Thank you, John. I'm here for an update on the pankration.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41So what is that, I hear you ask?
0:19:41 > 0:19:45It's two men fighting, only with no gloves and even fewer rules.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47Here to tell me all about it is the winner, Krugas.
0:19:47 > 0:19:51I'm Daxemonos, the loser. Erm, that's Krugas, he's the winner.
0:19:51 > 0:19:55Ah! Isn't he, erm...well, dead?
0:19:55 > 0:19:59Yes. See, in pankration, you're not supposed to kill your opponent.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01I did, and, er... so I got disqualified.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04So technically Krugas is the winner.
0:20:04 > 0:20:07Don't tell me, it's an ancient Greek thing.
0:20:07 > 0:20:08So why don't you talk us through it?
0:20:08 > 0:20:11Well, thing is, I've got pretty sharp nails on my hand.
0:20:11 > 0:20:16When I hit him in the stomach I sort of pulled his guts out.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19Coming up next... my lunch.
0:20:19 > 0:20:23- Back to the studio. - You all right, mate?
0:20:37 > 0:20:41"Be careful" would have been good advice for this Greek sportsman.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths
0:20:46 > 0:20:48# They're funny cos they're true
0:20:48 > 0:20:50# Woo! Stupid deaths, stupid deaths
0:20:50 > 0:20:54# Hope next time it's not you! # Ha-hee.
0:20:54 > 0:20:58Yes! Finished my Sudoku. I'm a genius.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00Er, yes, well, it did take me eight hours.
0:21:00 > 0:21:04You couldn't just let me have my moment of glory, could you?
0:21:04 > 0:21:06Hmm? Had to undermine me.
0:21:06 > 0:21:07Next!
0:21:07 > 0:21:11Hello, looks like we've caught a big one. And you are?
0:21:11 > 0:21:15Milo of Croton, six times Olympic wrestling champion
0:21:15 > 0:21:19and famous all-round strongman if you can believe that.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21And what do you do?
0:21:21 > 0:21:24One time I picked up and carried a fully grown bull on my shoulders.
0:21:24 > 0:21:28Oh, very impressive. But can you finish a Sudoku?
0:21:28 > 0:21:30Thought not.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33I could pick you all up and carry you in one hand though.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36Well, that's a very generous offer but perhaps some other time.
0:21:36 > 0:21:39Right then, come on, let's hear it.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41You know, the stupid death.
0:21:41 > 0:21:45As in the jingle... # Stupid death, stupid death... #
0:21:45 > 0:21:49Oh, the thing, yeah. Well, I was walking through a forest one day,
0:21:49 > 0:21:51and I came across this, this big tree trunk
0:21:51 > 0:21:53with this split down the middle.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56- Yes.- I can't resist an opportunity to show off
0:21:56 > 0:22:01my tremendous physical strength so I pushed my arms into the hole
0:22:01 > 0:22:04to, like, pull the tree in two with my bare hands.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07- Yes.- Turns out it's quite a narrow gap
0:22:07 > 0:22:10and I got me arms stuck in the hole, couldn't move.
0:22:10 > 0:22:15- Yes.- Long story short, I got eaten alive by wolves.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17Ha ha ha ha!
0:22:17 > 0:22:19You got, he got...
0:22:19 > 0:22:21Argh! Ha ha! You plonker.
0:22:21 > 0:22:24You spent too much time working on these muscles
0:22:24 > 0:22:27- and not enough time working on this muscle.- I don't get it.
0:22:27 > 0:22:30The brain and things like Sudoku...
0:22:30 > 0:22:34Oh, forget it. My talents are wasted on these people, honestly!
0:22:34 > 0:22:38You're through to the afterlife. ..Yeah, it's through the door there.
0:22:38 > 0:22:42The door, the gap in the wall.
0:22:42 > 0:22:47The thing you can move through. Go through it, go.
0:22:47 > 0:22:50Honestly, ho-ho-ho... Next!
0:22:50 > 0:22:52# Stupid death, stupid death
0:22:52 > 0:22:55# Hope next time it's not you! # Hoo hoo!
0:23:01 > 0:23:04Everyone knows a man's best friend is his dog.
0:23:04 > 0:23:08Never was this more true than for Cavalier Price Rupert.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10I don't know what you call a fly without wings.
0:23:10 > 0:23:14But I suggest you either put it out of its misery or call the RSPCA.
0:23:14 > 0:23:15A walk?
0:23:15 > 0:23:20Is this some kind of joke?
0:23:20 > 0:23:21Good day to you, madam.
0:23:21 > 0:23:25Prince Rupert, general in his majesty's Cavalier army,
0:23:25 > 0:23:28- at your service.- Oooh!
0:23:28 > 0:23:31I'm usually suspicious of you historical types,
0:23:31 > 0:23:33but you seem like a proper gentleman.
0:23:33 > 0:23:38- Nephew of King Charles I, no less. - How can I help you?
0:23:38 > 0:23:40I would like to buy a poodle.
0:23:40 > 0:23:43Oh, shouldn't be a problem. Any particular kind of poodle?
0:23:43 > 0:23:45A white one that does a dance
0:23:45 > 0:23:48anytime it hears the name of my uncle, King Charles I.
0:23:48 > 0:23:50- He's my uncle, did I mention? - You did.
0:23:50 > 0:23:54Poodles are highly intelligent so that shouldn't be a problem.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56And I'd like him to cock his leg and do a little pee
0:23:56 > 0:23:59every time here hears the name Pim.
0:23:59 > 0:24:00Pim?
0:24:00 > 0:24:03Roundhead commander, my sworn enemy.
0:24:03 > 0:24:07- My old dog Boy used to be both those tricks.- And what happened to him?
0:24:07 > 0:24:10I used to take him into battle with me and he sort of got shot.
0:24:10 > 0:24:14Battles are no places for dogs! Out of here before I set mine on you.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16And this one doesn't pee
0:24:16 > 0:24:19when you say the work Pim. WATER TRICKLES
0:24:19 > 0:24:22- Oh, will you look at that! - Can he dance?
0:24:25 > 0:24:27That's 100% accu-rat!
0:24:27 > 0:24:31Whenever someone said the word Pim, Price Rupert's poodle did a pee.
0:24:31 > 0:24:34Or did his peedle do a poo? One or the other.
0:24:34 > 0:24:38So we're done with the silly sketch about a dead dog. What's up next?
0:24:38 > 0:24:41Hm, what's that? A sketch featuring a dead horse?
0:24:41 > 0:24:42Nice.
0:24:42 > 0:24:46This is the biggest day of Alodia's life.
0:24:46 > 0:24:51Sadly no bridesmaid. She's a bit under the weather, plague.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53She's about to get married to her fiance Dagle
0:24:53 > 0:24:56who has planned the entire wedding himself,
0:24:56 > 0:24:58without any input from his young bride.
0:24:58 > 0:25:00Is this on straight?
0:25:00 > 0:25:05But will it be a day to remember or one she'd rather forget?
0:25:05 > 0:25:08Right then, let's do it.
0:25:08 > 0:25:12This is Historical Don't Tell The Bride.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15Alodia's parents don't approve of Dagle,
0:25:15 > 0:25:18so they've refused to give her away.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20So she's made her way to the church alone.
0:25:20 > 0:25:24- Darling, you look wonderful. - So do you. Is everything ready?
0:25:24 > 0:25:28- Absolutely.- Right then. Shall we?
0:25:28 > 0:25:32- Where are you going? - Into the church to get married.
0:25:32 > 0:25:34Yeah, probably should have said,
0:25:34 > 0:25:38- there's been a bit of a change of plan.- What?
0:25:38 > 0:25:40Without their parents' blessings,
0:25:40 > 0:25:43Dagle found that a church wedding was out of the question,
0:25:43 > 0:25:45so in a break from family tradition,
0:25:45 > 0:25:50Dagle and Alodia are to be married...by a tramp.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53Darling, this is our new priest.
0:25:53 > 0:25:57- He looks like a tramp.- I am a tramp.
0:25:57 > 0:26:00- He said "I am a tramp".- I heard. Why are we getting married by a tramp?
0:26:00 > 0:26:03Oh, he's a priest as well, sort of!
0:26:03 > 0:26:05He's just a travelling tramp one.
0:26:05 > 0:26:09They call themselves stroller priests. He's really good value.
0:26:09 > 0:26:12Good value? Is it even legal?
0:26:12 > 0:26:14That is a very good question,
0:26:14 > 0:26:18and in answer to that I'd like to say your hair looks lovely.
0:26:18 > 0:26:20What? It does! I'm not...
0:26:23 > 0:26:26While stroller weddings aren't recognised by law,
0:26:26 > 0:26:29many young couples feel that such a ceremony in some way
0:26:29 > 0:26:31cements their union in the eyes of God.
0:26:31 > 0:26:35Though some elements of the stroller ceremony are a little unusual.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37- What's that?- Some leaves.
0:26:37 > 0:26:40- Underneath the leaves.- Oh, that?
0:26:40 > 0:26:42That's a dead horse.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44Why is there a dead horse at my wedding?
0:26:44 > 0:26:46It's fine, it's part of the ceremony.
0:26:46 > 0:26:50- Can we just get on with it please, mate?- Do you...?
0:26:50 > 0:26:54- Oh, yes, I do.- What about you?
0:26:54 > 0:26:56'Spose so.
0:26:56 > 0:26:59- Right, shake hands over the dead horse.- What?
0:26:59 > 0:27:01You heard.
0:27:01 > 0:27:04There we are, very nice.
0:27:04 > 0:27:08By the power invested in me, I now pronounce you man and wife.
0:27:08 > 0:27:10You can have a kiss or whatever.
0:27:12 > 0:27:14One for the priest?
0:27:14 > 0:27:18There. Wasn't that better than some stuffy church wedding?
0:27:18 > 0:27:22- No.- Oh, come on! At least it was memorable.
0:27:22 > 0:27:25Believe me, every time you look at my face, you'll remember this day.
0:27:25 > 0:27:27When you put it that way!
0:27:27 > 0:27:31'Scuse me, do you by any chance do stroller divorces?
0:27:34 > 0:27:37# Tall tales, atrocious acts, we gave you all the fearsome facts... #
0:27:37 > 0:27:40Want some more Horrible Histories?
0:27:40 > 0:27:42Then come with me down the time sewers.
0:27:42 > 0:27:45Just go to the CBBC website and click on Horrible Histories.
0:27:45 > 0:27:47See you down there!
0:27:47 > 0:27:51# Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories! #
0:27:51 > 0:27:53Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:27:53 > 0:27:54E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk