0:00:02 > 0:00:03# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians
0:00:03 > 0:00:05# Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians
0:00:05 > 0:00:07# Woeful wars, ferocious fights, dingy castles, daring knights
0:00:07 > 0:00:10# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians
0:00:10 > 0:00:12# Vicious Vikings, cruel crime Punishments from ancient times
0:00:12 > 0:00:13# Romans rotten, rank and ruthless,
0:00:13 > 0:00:15# Cavemen savage, fierce and toothless
0:00:15 > 0:00:18# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages
0:00:18 > 0:00:20# Gory stories we do that
0:00:20 > 0:00:23# And your host a talking rat
0:00:23 > 0:00:26# The past is no longer a mystery
0:00:26 > 0:00:27# Welcome to...
0:00:27 > 0:00:32# Horrible Histories. #
0:00:37 > 0:00:42Seriously, why does it have to be me? All right, all right, all right!
0:00:42 > 0:00:43I'll do it!
0:00:43 > 0:00:46- You guys have to back me up, OK? - Absolutely.- Yes.
0:00:46 > 0:00:49- We're right behind you.- Cool.
0:00:58 > 0:01:01- Yes?- Good morning, sir. We were just wondering...
0:01:03 > 0:01:07I was just wondering if, er...
0:01:07 > 0:01:08p...possibly we, um...
0:01:08 > 0:01:10We'd like a pay rise?
0:01:12 > 0:01:16- I'm sorry. I thought you just said you wanted a pay rise.- I did.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18We want more money and better working conditions.
0:01:18 > 0:01:23- Is this some peasant joke that I'm too rich to understand?- No, no.
0:01:23 > 0:01:26It's just, thanks to this terrible plague sweeping the country,
0:01:26 > 0:01:28us peasants are dropping like flies.
0:01:28 > 0:01:31Those of us who are left are quite valuable.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34Valuable, indeed! What rubbish!
0:01:34 > 0:01:37Really, some of us have had some rather tempting offers
0:01:37 > 0:01:40- from other local knights in the area.- Now, you listen to me,
0:01:40 > 0:01:42you grubby little commoner.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44You'll work my fields for pittance and be thankful,
0:01:44 > 0:01:48otherwise I'll throw you off my land and give your job to...
0:01:48 > 0:01:49What's that one called?
0:01:50 > 0:01:52- Er, that's Phil.- Phil!
0:01:52 > 0:01:55Your job will go to Phil, got it?
0:01:55 > 0:01:58PHIL COUGHS
0:02:01 > 0:02:03Oh. Well, maybe not Phil.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06He's just died of plague.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08Otherwise, I'll give your job to...
0:02:08 > 0:02:11- Um.... er, I want to say John? - Roger.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14Roger! I'll give your job to Roger. Understood?
0:02:14 > 0:02:17ROGER COUGHS
0:02:17 > 0:02:19- Oh.- It's like I was telling you.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22Healthy, reliable peasants are increasingly hard to find.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25Hm. Oh, crone?
0:02:25 > 0:02:27Is what this man says true?
0:02:27 > 0:02:29CRONE COUGHS
0:02:32 > 0:02:35Oh, I'll take that as a yes.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38So, would now be a good time to start
0:02:38 > 0:02:41discussing the new terms of my employment?
0:02:41 > 0:02:44Fine! But you'd better not go dropping dead of plague after this!
0:02:44 > 0:02:46Oh, no, Sir.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49You don't need to worry about me. I'm as fit as a...
0:02:50 > 0:02:53Oh, absolutely typical!
0:02:53 > 0:02:56Well, luckily for you lot, I know my way round a...
0:02:56 > 0:03:00three-pointy stick woody...
0:03:00 > 0:03:03Oh, I'm kidding myself. I've no idea what this is called.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05I know what it's for, though.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10Who needs peasants?
0:03:10 > 0:03:13The plague wasn't the only illness you had to worry about
0:03:13 > 0:03:14in the Middle Ages.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17Most of the time, we didn't know what we were suffering from.
0:03:17 > 0:03:21There were some pretty strange symptoms going around.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23GERMAN ACCENT: Don't miss out on ze latest dance craze
0:03:23 > 0:03:26zat's taking the city of Strasbourg by storm!
0:03:27 > 0:03:31Join ze hundreds of people who are literally dancing in ze streets!
0:03:31 > 0:03:35It's Strasbourg, it's 1518 and everybody's dancing
0:03:35 > 0:03:37and nobody knows why!
0:03:37 > 0:03:39It's like zey've got...
0:03:39 > 0:03:43Careful, it's catchy. By which I mean it's highly contagious.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46Is it a disease? Is it mass hysteria?
0:03:46 > 0:03:49Either way, you'll be dancing through ze night
0:03:49 > 0:03:51and then through ze next day and then ze night
0:03:51 > 0:03:53and then through ze day and then ze night
0:03:53 > 0:03:55and the next day again. You get ze picture.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58Once you start, you just can't stop.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01You'll be dancing until you die from exhaustion.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03Ja, bop till you drop with...
0:04:03 > 0:04:06I've got dance fever, have you?
0:04:13 > 0:04:15The dance craze lasted for a whole month -
0:04:15 > 0:04:18and if you think it sounds just plain silly,
0:04:18 > 0:04:22imagine watching your dad's most embarrassing dancing for a month.
0:04:22 > 0:04:24See how serious it was now? Hm?
0:04:29 > 0:04:31Why do mice need oiling?
0:04:31 > 0:04:34Well, you can treat a lot of medical conditions
0:04:34 > 0:04:36by putting oil in their diet.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39What? Well, you tell me. Why do mice need oiling?
0:04:39 > 0:04:43Because they squeak? Look, please stop calling this number!
0:04:43 > 0:04:45Hello, I'm an Ancient Greek philosopher
0:04:45 > 0:04:49and I'm looking to buy a tortoise to perform an experiment on.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51Get out! I don't sell animals
0:04:51 > 0:04:53for historical people to do nasty experiments on.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55Oh, it's not a nasty experiment.
0:04:55 > 0:04:59I simply need to see if it can beat the great Achilles in a race.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01Well, it can't. It's a tortoise.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03The only thing a tortoise can beat is a brick.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05Ah, but what if Achilles...
0:05:05 > 0:05:07- SQUEAKS - ..was to allow the tortoise...
0:05:07 > 0:05:11- NO SOUND - Oh. A 100 yard start. You see?
0:05:11 > 0:05:13Then by the time he has run 100 yards,
0:05:13 > 0:05:16the tortoise will have advanced another yard,
0:05:16 > 0:05:18so Achilles will have had to run that extra yard.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20By then, the tortoise is advanced again.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23Every time Achilles reaches the place
0:05:23 > 0:05:24where the tortoise previously was,
0:05:24 > 0:05:26the tortoise has moved forward.
0:05:26 > 0:05:30Only by a fraction, but forward nevertheless.
0:05:30 > 0:05:33Meaning Achilles can never actually catch the tortoise.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36Just a philosophical argument I'm working on.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39Well, you're stupid, but you do sound harmless.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41- Fine, you can have a tortoise.- Brilliant!
0:05:41 > 0:05:44Also, I was wondering, could I buy a goat, please,
0:05:44 > 0:05:46if that's possible?
0:05:46 > 0:05:48For another harmless experiment?
0:05:48 > 0:05:51- HE LAUGHS - No, no, it's a sacrifice.
0:05:51 > 0:05:55- No.- Oh, don't worry. I won't do it unless the animal agrees.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58- How will you get a goat to agree with you?- I'll ask its permission
0:05:58 > 0:06:02and then sprinkle water on it's head until it looks like it's nodding.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04Are you an idiot?
0:06:04 > 0:06:06Are you leaving now?
0:06:06 > 0:06:09- Oh!- Right! Go on, then.
0:06:11 > 0:06:15Do you know if there's another pet shop in the area?
0:06:15 > 0:06:18Ancient Greeks really did get animals to agree to their fate
0:06:18 > 0:06:23before sacrifice by sprinkling water on their heads to make them nod.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26Fortunately, rats weren't exactly high
0:06:26 > 0:06:28on any Greek god's sacrifice wish list. Ha!
0:06:28 > 0:06:30Hey, and there was some unusual goings on
0:06:30 > 0:06:32at this religious festival, as well.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37Hey, Festival fans! I'm Fearne Polyester,
0:06:37 > 0:06:39here in Ancient Greece to bring you what's happening
0:06:39 > 0:06:42at the all-girl Thesmophoria Festival. Yay!
0:06:42 > 0:06:45THEY SCREAM
0:06:45 > 0:06:47These are my new BFFs -
0:06:47 > 0:06:50Agatha and Helena. They are proper nuts.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53So, are you having a good time?
0:06:53 > 0:06:56Er, what does it look like, soup-for-brains?
0:06:56 > 0:06:59That's not very nice, I was only asking.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02That's part of the Festival! we insult each other!
0:07:02 > 0:07:05Yeah, like, the ruder the better. Medusa Face!
0:07:05 > 0:07:08- Oh, I see!- Hey, what's the difference between you
0:07:08 > 0:07:10and a plank of wood?
0:07:10 > 0:07:12You're thicker!
0:07:12 > 0:07:14What about this one?
0:07:14 > 0:07:16What's the difference between your mum and a hydra?
0:07:16 > 0:07:20One's a monster with poisonous breath and the other one's a hydra!
0:07:22 > 0:07:24Yeah, OK. Let's leave it?
0:07:24 > 0:07:27So, we've done the whole crazy Ancient Greek dissing thing.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29- What's next?- Cakes.
0:07:29 > 0:07:33- Oh, wow!- No, no. We're not going to eat them.
0:07:33 > 0:07:37- Duh! We're going to bury them. - Woo!
0:07:37 > 0:07:40Yeah! What, really? You're going to bury the cakes?
0:07:40 > 0:07:44- Then we're going to kill a pig! - Oh, Killer Piggies! Is that a band?
0:07:44 > 0:07:48No, thicko! We kill a pig and bury him with the cakes. Come on!
0:07:48 > 0:07:50THEY SCREAM
0:07:50 > 0:07:53- Don't worry, they're not going to. - PIG SQUEALING
0:07:53 > 0:07:56They really are! They're going to kill a pig!
0:07:58 > 0:08:00Right, er... Woo!
0:08:00 > 0:08:03They totally killed a pig and buried it!
0:08:03 > 0:08:06Sorry, that's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09- Hey, I dug up last year's! - Oh, that's worse.
0:08:09 > 0:08:12- We're not going to eat that, are we? - No, that would be disgusting.
0:08:12 > 0:08:17- We're spread it on the ground and sit in it!- OK, that's ridiculous.
0:08:17 > 0:08:20- You want me to sit in that, in these jeans?- Yeah, come on! It'll be fun!
0:08:20 > 0:08:22Yeah, and it'll please the gods!
0:08:24 > 0:08:27- Are you kidding? - No! What is your problem?
0:08:27 > 0:08:31We do this every year, otherwise the crops'll fail and we'll starve!
0:08:31 > 0:08:34OK, then! Let's do it! Woo-hoo!
0:08:34 > 0:08:36THEY SQUEAL
0:08:36 > 0:08:37Hm!
0:08:37 > 0:08:39This is Fearne Polyester,
0:08:39 > 0:08:42sitting in a load of rotten dead pigs and cake
0:08:42 > 0:08:47- at the Thesmophoria Festival in Ancient Greece!- Whoo!
0:08:47 > 0:08:50If I've just been Punk'd, you are in so much trouble!
0:08:50 > 0:08:53- When are Kasabian on?- Who?
0:08:53 > 0:08:57The Festival of Thesmophoria was only open to women,
0:08:57 > 0:08:59but most Greek gatherings were only for men,
0:08:59 > 0:09:03like the Ancient Greek Olympics and the Isthmian games.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09And you join us here in Isthmia for this, the final race
0:09:09 > 0:09:13in this year's thrilling Isthmian Games.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15And here, about to cross the finish line in first place,
0:09:15 > 0:09:18it looks like... Yes, it's Armando of Kos.
0:09:18 > 0:09:22Armando, congratulations. That was a truly astonishing victory.
0:09:22 > 0:09:23Thanks.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25It was really hard work, but it's worth it
0:09:25 > 0:09:28- for such a fantastic prize. - Of course.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30And here is your prize.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33The incredible crown of celery.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36What? Celery?
0:09:36 > 0:09:37The prize is celery?
0:09:37 > 0:09:39Yes, didn't you know?
0:09:39 > 0:09:41No. I thought it was SALARY.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44A yearly wage! Cash! Dosh! Wonga!
0:09:44 > 0:09:46I'm in it for the money!
0:09:46 > 0:09:51Ah. Well, the bad news is, your prize is, in fact, just a celery hat.
0:09:51 > 0:09:52And what's the good news?
0:09:52 > 0:09:55The good news is, I bought this delicious Greek dip.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02Mm. Now, that is rich!
0:10:04 > 0:10:06Hm. Sorry!
0:10:10 > 0:10:12Yarrgh! We Celts were a fighting race,
0:10:12 > 0:10:14so you might be surprised to find out
0:10:14 > 0:10:17that we used to love a bit of poetry.
0:10:18 > 0:10:21The greatest king in all the land
0:10:21 > 0:10:25He ground his enemies into sand
0:10:25 > 0:10:27He reigned supreme over the Irish
0:10:27 > 0:10:31From lowly peasants To those more squirish
0:10:31 > 0:10:34But there is one doubt, if I may sew it
0:10:34 > 0:10:37He had few friends among the poets
0:10:37 > 0:10:42For his name was Aed mac Ainmuirech
0:10:42 > 0:10:44And none of them could make it rhyme.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48Brilliant! You know what?
0:10:48 > 0:10:50I was to have you killed after the poet bit,
0:10:50 > 0:10:52but you pulled it out the bag. Now...
0:10:52 > 0:10:55A piece of jewellery for your troubles.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58Anything in the room, you have but to ask.
0:10:58 > 0:11:02I like the look of that wheel brooch on your shoulder, Sire.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04- What?- Well, you said...
0:11:04 > 0:11:07- I could pick anything in the room. - I didn't mean anything!
0:11:07 > 0:11:10No-one may ask for the King's brooch!
0:11:10 > 0:11:13That is the most terrible crime in all the land.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15You're banished from all Ireland.
0:11:15 > 0:11:20No, scratch that! I'm banishing all poets from Ireland.
0:11:20 > 0:11:21Proclaim it to the Kingdom. Go on.
0:11:21 > 0:11:24From this moment, all poetry's banned.
0:11:24 > 0:11:28Banishment to all who rhyme in this land.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30What? That just rhymed.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32You're a poet! Banished!
0:11:32 > 0:11:35Oh, I'd advise against that, Sire.
0:11:35 > 0:11:36Good heralds are hard to hire.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39Argh! A poet! Banished!
0:11:39 > 0:11:41Guard, arrest them all.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44Who would you like me to chuck out first?
0:11:44 > 0:11:46Which did you think was the worst?
0:11:46 > 0:11:47Banished!
0:11:47 > 0:11:50Right, that's it. I'm through. Be gone, the lot of you!
0:11:50 > 0:11:53Oh, that rhymed! Those words you just spoke.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55So they did.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57I'll get me cloak.
0:11:59 > 0:12:03It's true. That all happened in 574 AD,
0:12:03 > 0:12:06when a poet asked for the King's jewellery.
0:12:06 > 0:12:10Till St Colombus stepped in, all poets were banned.
0:12:10 > 0:12:14But he convinced the King to let them stay in Ire-land.
0:12:14 > 0:12:17I may be a rat, but I'm a poet at heart.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20Now, what rhymes with that?
0:12:20 > 0:12:23- Oh, I've got it - fart! - RAT CACKLES
0:12:23 > 0:12:26Most immature, aren't I? I do apologise.
0:12:26 > 0:12:29Anyway, those Celts, they loved a good rhyme
0:12:29 > 0:12:32but they also loved a good boast.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34- ALL:- Yeah!
0:12:34 > 0:12:37100 Roman soldiers lay dead on the beach.
0:12:37 > 0:12:38Who'd slain them?
0:12:38 > 0:12:41I am the greatest warrior who has ever lived.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43- ALL:- Yeah!
0:12:43 > 0:12:47Warriors! Hey, how's it going? I bring tidings of great victory.
0:12:47 > 0:12:51Surely there is no warrior in the land who can match me, huh?
0:12:53 > 0:12:57I am the most fearsome warrior to walk the lands of the living.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59So, I think we've got a problem.
0:12:59 > 0:13:02I think there's only one way to settle this.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04- ALL:- Boast battle!
0:13:04 > 0:13:05THEY BEATBOX
0:13:05 > 0:13:08# So let's clear the air Grab a chair
0:13:08 > 0:13:10# I got flare when I fight a bear
0:13:10 > 0:13:13# I rip off his skin for my wife to wear
0:13:13 > 0:13:15# I did it for a dare I'm you're worst nightmare
0:13:15 > 0:13:17# Look close, check out my facial hair
0:13:17 > 0:13:19# Relax, face facts
0:13:19 > 0:13:22# A fight with you would be an anticlimax
0:13:22 > 0:13:24# When you go to war You don't take off your slacks
0:13:24 > 0:13:26# Look at me, I'm tough I fight in the buff
0:13:26 > 0:13:29- # I could say more, but I've said enough, so...- Boast Battle!
0:13:29 > 0:13:32- # Have some grace, shut your face - Boast Battle!
0:13:32 > 0:13:33# You're well off the pace
0:13:33 > 0:13:35# Seems to me that you're not even skilled
0:13:35 > 0:13:38# I'd stab you right now But I'm trying to chill.
0:13:38 > 0:13:39# In a rage! On the rampage!
0:13:39 > 0:13:43- # I've killed more men than old age, so...- Boast Battle!
0:13:43 > 0:13:45- # And I've only just begun - Boast Battle!
0:13:45 > 0:13:47# And I'm not even done
0:13:47 > 0:13:49# You're just killing the enemy That's lazy
0:13:49 > 0:13:51# I kill my own people I'm that crazy
0:13:51 > 0:13:54# I go berserk and my eyes go glazy
0:13:54 > 0:13:57# I get so mad I could stab a daisy... #
0:13:57 > 0:14:00But I won't, cos that'd be stupid.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02# All right, all right, Stop! Think a while
0:14:02 > 0:14:05# Look at your style, man That's vile
0:14:05 > 0:14:07# You look like you've been dressed by a reptile
0:14:07 > 0:14:09# You're a steaming pot, I'm dressed like a king
0:14:09 > 0:14:11# I wear a torc round my neck When I'm doing my killing
0:14:11 > 0:14:14# And on my finger I'm wearing a ring
0:14:14 > 0:14:16# When I said I fight nude I wasn't counting my bling, yo
0:14:16 > 0:14:18- # Boast Battle! - Oh, and I paint myself blue
0:14:18 > 0:14:20- # Boast Battle! - That is way cooler than you
0:14:20 > 0:14:23# So what's better than you that you ought to bow?
0:14:23 > 0:14:25# I'd offer to fight you But you wouldn't know how
0:14:25 > 0:14:27# Enough of the talk, yeah? Let's end this now
0:14:27 > 0:14:29# I can sum it all up in just one word... #
0:14:29 > 0:14:32Ow!
0:14:32 > 0:14:33Mum!
0:14:46 > 0:14:49Ah, there! Stonehenge is finally finished.
0:14:49 > 0:14:52- What do you think, boss? - It is quite breathtaking.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55A monument to truly delight our Gods.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57It will be centuries before anyone manages to build
0:14:57 > 0:14:59a more impressive structure.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05There!
0:15:05 > 0:15:08The pyramid is finally finished. Oh!
0:15:08 > 0:15:12- What do you think, boss, huh? - Ye-eah. It's all right, I suppose.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15Not sure our Gods will be overly impressed by it,
0:15:15 > 0:15:17but it'll do, I guess.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20I've absolutely no idea how you managed to get that stone
0:15:20 > 0:15:24five metres up on top of the other one. What a feat of engineering!
0:15:24 > 0:15:27Actually, that stone near the top,
0:15:27 > 0:15:30about 135 metres up on top of the 2 million other ones,
0:15:30 > 0:15:34I don't think it's perfectly mathematically aligned.
0:15:34 > 0:15:37- I shall have myself flogged. - Good.
0:15:38 > 0:15:42It's true! Stonehenge and the Great Pyramids of Giza
0:15:42 > 0:15:44were built at about the same time.
0:15:44 > 0:15:47It's thought the enormous pyramid was built as a burial tomb
0:15:47 > 0:15:49for the Egyptian Pharaoh, Cheops.
0:15:49 > 0:15:53Yeah. Me, I'll be lucky if I get buried in a tin can. Hee!
0:15:53 > 0:15:57But it's anyone's guess what Stonehenge was built for.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00# Lots of things in history are actually a mystery
0:16:00 > 0:16:03# The truth's not always in the books you read
0:16:03 > 0:16:06# Facts can get distorted or even mis-reported
0:16:06 > 0:16:09# Imagine if that was all down to me
0:16:09 > 0:16:11# Cliff White Lies! #
0:16:11 > 0:16:13- It's Whiteley!- Sorry.
0:16:13 > 0:16:16Yeah, yeah. So, it's a yes to Wellington boots,
0:16:16 > 0:16:19but a no to Napoleon flip-flops.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21Done!
0:16:21 > 0:16:22Wallop!
0:16:23 > 0:16:26Cliff, I've got an early man in reception for you.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28Well, if he's early, tell him he'll have to wait.
0:16:28 > 0:16:32- No, no. He's an early man. He's from the Stone Age.- Oh, right, yeah.
0:16:32 > 0:16:34Show him in please, Sue.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38Mr Man! Cliff Whiteley.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40Telling it how it wasn't.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42Please, take a chair.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45Oh, right. It's like a stone,
0:16:45 > 0:16:48but it's more comfortable and with a back.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50Oh, that is... That is nice!
0:16:50 > 0:16:53So, what can I didgeridoo for you, pal?
0:16:53 > 0:16:56- Well, it's about Stonehenge, Cliff. - Love the place!
0:16:56 > 0:16:58Favourite henge, hands down.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00Got a piccie on the wall and everything.
0:17:00 > 0:17:04- There seems to be some confusion about what it's for.- Yeah.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07Now, don't take this the wrong way, me old Stone Age mucker,
0:17:07 > 0:17:09but at the end of the day,
0:17:09 > 0:17:12it's just a bunch of 5,000-year-old stones, innit?
0:17:12 > 0:17:16No-one would be interested if we couldn't argue about it,
0:17:16 > 0:17:20so I cooked up a few ridiculous theories over the years
0:17:20 > 0:17:23and now, your rock garden has gone down in history.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26Oh, yeah. Back in the Middle Ages,
0:17:26 > 0:17:28I had Geoffrey of Monmouth claim that it was built
0:17:28 > 0:17:31on a mountain in Ireland by giants.
0:17:31 > 0:17:35- What?- And then magicked over to England by Merlin the Wizard.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37That's nonsense.
0:17:37 > 0:17:38We built it where it is now.
0:17:38 > 0:17:42- We hauled all the rocks over from Wales.- Don't matter, mate!
0:17:42 > 0:17:45Don't matter! It stirs up an interest, see what I mean?
0:17:45 > 0:17:49Over the years, I've had historians suggest it was an 'ouse,
0:17:49 > 0:17:51a concert hall, a Roman temple...
0:17:51 > 0:17:56Hey, we even spread it about that it was built by aliens.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59- People believe this rubbish?- People believe anything you tell them.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01Don't eat that, it's made of woodlice.
0:18:01 > 0:18:03CLIFF LAUGHS
0:18:03 > 0:18:05- See what I mean?- Oh, I see!
0:18:05 > 0:18:07Why not tell people the truth?
0:18:07 > 0:18:08Stop all this messing around.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11Well, that's cos, um, I...
0:18:11 > 0:18:13- can't remember.- So, hang on.
0:18:13 > 0:18:16You invented these wild theories about Stonehenge
0:18:16 > 0:18:18and you don't even know what it's for?
0:18:18 > 0:18:22I wouldn't quite put it like that. I... Yeah, basically.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26- Come on, I'll tell you.- Really?
0:18:28 > 0:18:29HE WHISPERS
0:18:29 > 0:18:32Whoa! No!
0:18:32 > 0:18:35And what did you do with all the jelly?
0:18:37 > 0:18:39Waaa-llop!
0:18:45 > 0:18:48And now, an advertising intermission
0:18:48 > 0:18:50from Ancient Mexico.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55'Is your padded armour past its best?
0:18:55 > 0:18:59'Do you need a new set, but don't have any needles or thread or cloth?
0:18:59 > 0:19:02'Then help is at hand, with the new...
0:19:03 > 0:19:05'It's a cactus!
0:19:06 > 0:19:09'Yes, that's right. You can make needles from the spines,
0:19:09 > 0:19:11'and thread and cloth from the skin.
0:19:11 > 0:19:15'Plus, if you don't like the colour, you can use the cactus to make dye.
0:19:15 > 0:19:16'That's the new...
0:19:17 > 0:19:20'Available in one not-easy-to-carry pack.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28'Are you starving hungry,
0:19:28 > 0:19:32'but don't have anything to eat or anything to cook it on?
0:19:32 > 0:19:34'Then help is at hand, with the new...
0:19:36 > 0:19:38'It's a cactus!
0:19:38 > 0:19:41'Yes, that's right. Stewed cactus is delicious.
0:19:41 > 0:19:46'And to cook it, just use some more cactus.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48'If you need something to wash down your meal,
0:19:48 > 0:19:50'why not try some cactus wine?
0:19:50 > 0:19:52'That's the new...
0:19:52 > 0:19:54'with free toothpicks.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01'Do you have a hole in the roof?
0:20:01 > 0:20:04'Then help is at hand, with the new...
0:20:06 > 0:20:08'Bet you thought I'd say cactus.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10'Well, you're right! It's a cactus!
0:20:11 > 0:20:13'Just dry out some cactus to use as roof tiles,
0:20:13 > 0:20:17'then pulp more cactus to make a glue to stick them down.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20'There's nothing you can't do with a cactus...
0:20:20 > 0:20:22'apart from use it as a seat.'
0:20:26 > 0:20:28Say, have you tried this new Aztec chewing gum?
0:20:28 > 0:20:30- No, but I'd love to.- Then do!
0:20:33 > 0:20:37Hey! This chewing gum is great. What's it called?
0:20:37 > 0:20:39- Chuckle.- Chuckle? - That's right, chuckle.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42Made from the sticky resin of the sapodilla tree.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45- Tree, seriously? You're making me eat tree?- That's right!
0:20:45 > 0:20:48Chuckle Chewing Gum is made from tree resin, mixed with tar
0:20:48 > 0:20:50- and crushed insects.- Oh!
0:20:50 > 0:20:52That's OK, then. I like crushed insects.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56# Chuckle resin Chuckle, chuckle resin
0:20:56 > 0:20:59# Chuckle resin Chuckle, chuckle resin. #
0:20:59 > 0:21:03- Chew me.- Chew you.- Chew me. - Chew you.- Chew me.- Chew you.
0:21:03 > 0:21:04# Chuckle resin
0:21:04 > 0:21:06# Chuckle, chuckle resin. #
0:21:06 > 0:21:08And it also works as a glue!
0:21:08 > 0:21:10Keep smiling!
0:21:10 > 0:21:13I will. I can't move my mouth.
0:21:13 > 0:21:15- Seriously?- Yeah, seriously.
0:21:15 > 0:21:16# Chuckle resin
0:21:16 > 0:21:18# Chuckle, chuckle resin. #
0:21:39 > 0:21:41The answer is...
0:21:41 > 0:21:44"C", but those were actually all Stuart punishments.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49I'll be up in a minute!
0:21:50 > 0:21:53Hello, and welcome to Horrible Points of View.
0:21:53 > 0:21:57We start with a whole bag full of letters from a Mr Stuart Era.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00He's certainly been busy! What's that?
0:22:00 > 0:22:02Oh, now I feel stupid.
0:22:02 > 0:22:04It's THE Stuart Era. The Stuart Era.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07Not everyone in the Stuart Era seems to have been happy
0:22:07 > 0:22:11about travelling actors performing in the marketplace at York.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13Here's what one man thought.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15All plays be sinful.
0:22:15 > 0:22:16Sinful, I tell thee.
0:22:16 > 0:22:21Damned be all those who perform this heathen entertainment.
0:22:21 > 0:22:24That from Mr Fightthegoodfightoffaith.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27I'm guessing he's a Puritan. They're not so into fun.
0:22:27 > 0:22:28He went on to say...
0:22:28 > 0:22:30Although I thoroughly enjoyed the bit
0:22:30 > 0:22:33where they were put in the stocks for being travelling actors
0:22:33 > 0:22:36and whipped to within an inch of lives.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39Did I just say I enjoyed it?
0:22:39 > 0:22:42Having fun is sinful. I must be punished.
0:22:45 > 0:22:48I think that's enough Stuarts.
0:22:48 > 0:22:52Next time, the mailbag's from the Egyptian period.
0:22:52 > 0:22:53See you, then.
0:22:55 > 0:22:59That doesn't make any sense to me. Can you read that?
0:22:59 > 0:23:02Yes, punishments were extreme in Stuart times,
0:23:02 > 0:23:05so you wouldn't have wanted to be in Colonel Blood's shoes
0:23:05 > 0:23:08when he got caught for the most daring crime of his day -
0:23:08 > 0:23:11trying to steal the Crown Jewels from the Tower of London.
0:23:11 > 0:23:13Oh, I can't look!
0:23:18 > 0:23:21- Good morning, your Majesty. - Not so loud, Sotheby, please.
0:23:21 > 0:23:25I had a rather major un-birthday party last night.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27Anyway, what's in the diary for today?
0:23:27 > 0:23:29Well, Sire... Ahem!
0:23:29 > 0:23:32I'm pleased to report the man who tried to steal the Crown Jewels
0:23:32 > 0:23:36was caught. You might like to sentence him yourself.
0:23:36 > 0:23:37You mean I get to play judge?
0:23:37 > 0:23:42- Sounds like fun. Do I get a wig?- You already have a wig, your Majesty.
0:23:42 > 0:23:43So I have.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46- Send him in.- Bring in the prisoner!
0:23:46 > 0:23:48Are you Colonel Thomas Blood?
0:23:48 > 0:23:50Indeed I am, Sir.
0:23:50 > 0:23:53The proud mastermind behind a crime of such dastardly daring
0:23:53 > 0:23:55as to truly befit a King.
0:23:55 > 0:23:59Ooh, he's very impressive. You're very impressive, aren't you?
0:23:59 > 0:24:01- Thank you, your Majesty. - Don't forget,
0:24:01 > 0:24:03he's also a violent criminal, your Majesty.
0:24:03 > 0:24:07He tried to steal the Crown Jewels from the Tower of London.
0:24:07 > 0:24:09And a gallant attempt it was too.
0:24:09 > 0:24:12The perfect crime, in all but one detail.
0:24:12 > 0:24:14- Which is?- It didn't work.
0:24:14 > 0:24:15How so? What happened?
0:24:15 > 0:24:18We managed to subdue the Master of the Jewel House
0:24:18 > 0:24:20- without a problem. - By subdue, you mean...?
0:24:20 > 0:24:24- Hit him on the head with a mallet. - Ah yes, that'll do it!- Indeed.
0:24:24 > 0:24:27And then, we grabbed the jewels, hid them beneath our clothes
0:24:27 > 0:24:29and made for our escape.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31However, it turns out that the Master of the Jewel House
0:24:31 > 0:24:34was not adequately subdued.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36- Meaning? - We didn't hit him hard enough.
0:24:36 > 0:24:39He started screaming "Treason, treason!"
0:24:39 > 0:24:41Within minutes, we were captured.
0:24:41 > 0:24:43Wow, how exciting!
0:24:43 > 0:24:45But, tell me, how did you hide
0:24:45 > 0:24:48the entire Crown Jewels underneath your clothing?
0:24:48 > 0:24:50We had to make a few alterations.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52Alterations?
0:24:52 > 0:24:55Well, that's the Crown there,
0:24:55 > 0:24:56for example.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59Had to flatten that out a bit with a mallet!
0:24:59 > 0:25:02Here's the Sceptre and the Cross.
0:25:02 > 0:25:03That's the other half there.
0:25:03 > 0:25:06Had to cut that in two to get it in the bag, you follow?
0:25:06 > 0:25:09And the Sovereign Orb is, er...
0:25:10 > 0:25:12It's a little bit dented.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14Probably a little bit sweaty.
0:25:14 > 0:25:17You've destroyed my Crown Jewels!
0:25:17 > 0:25:19That's punishable by death.
0:25:19 > 0:25:22They're worth over £100,000!
0:25:22 > 0:25:25Well? What do you have to say for yourself, man?
0:25:25 > 0:25:28Er, I'll give you £6,000 for the lot, not a penny more.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33HE TITTERS
0:25:33 > 0:25:36HE LAUGHS
0:25:36 > 0:25:40Oh, how can you stay mad at someone who's so funny!
0:25:40 > 0:25:41In fact,
0:25:41 > 0:25:44- (I think we should let him off!) - W-what?
0:25:44 > 0:25:48Well, he's a character, isn't he? He's a lovable rogue.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50Yes, I'm going to let you off...
0:25:50 > 0:25:52Oh, thank you, your Majesty.
0:25:52 > 0:25:56..and give you your own estate in Ireland.
0:25:56 > 0:25:58- What?- Yes, a nice big one.
0:25:58 > 0:25:59And what else? Ooh!
0:25:59 > 0:26:01You must come round to the Palace for tea.
0:26:01 > 0:26:05- Your Majesty!- You can regale us with your funny stories.
0:26:05 > 0:26:09I've got a fantastic one about the time I was plotting to kill you!
0:26:09 > 0:26:11Did you succeed? No, no, no! Don't tell me.
0:26:11 > 0:26:15I'll wait until you come round. See you soon!
0:26:15 > 0:26:16Not if I see you first!
0:26:16 > 0:26:19Oh, he's got it! I don't know what it is,
0:26:19 > 0:26:22- but he's got it. I love him. - Your majesty,
0:26:22 > 0:26:25Do you think it's a good idea to give large country estates
0:26:25 > 0:26:28- to people purely because they make you laugh?- I don't see why not.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34- Knock, knock. - Not going to work, Sothers.
0:26:34 > 0:26:37- Not going to work.- Oh.
0:26:37 > 0:26:39# Tall tales, atrocious acts,
0:26:39 > 0:26:41# We gave you all the fearsome facts... #
0:26:41 > 0:26:42Psst! Can you keep a secret?
0:26:42 > 0:26:46Me neither. I've found some great games in the time sewers.
0:26:46 > 0:26:49Want to come and play? Then go to the CBBC website
0:26:49 > 0:26:52and click on Horrible Histories. See you there!
0:26:52 > 0:26:56# Horrible Histories. #