0:00:02 > 0:00:03- # Terrible Tudors - # Gorgeous Georgians
0:00:03 > 0:00:04- # Slimy Stewarts - # Vile Victorians
0:00:04 > 0:00:07- # Woeful wars, ferocious fights - # Dingy castles, daring knights
0:00:07 > 0:00:09- # Horrors that defy description - # Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians
0:00:09 > 0:00:12- # Vicious Vikings, cruel crime - # Punishments from ancient times
0:00:12 > 0:00:13# Roman, rotten, rank and ruthless
0:00:13 > 0:00:15# Cavemen savage Fierce and toothless
0:00:15 > 0:00:18- # Groovy Greeks, brainy sages - # Mean and measly Middle Ages
0:00:18 > 0:00:23# Gory stories, we do that And your host, a talking rat
0:00:23 > 0:00:26# The past is no longer a mystery
0:00:26 > 0:00:27# Welcome to... #
0:00:36 > 0:00:38DRAMATIC MUSIC
0:00:38 > 0:00:43Brothers, if we mean to capture this heavily fortified castle,
0:00:43 > 0:00:46it's vitally important we stick rigidly to my plan.
0:00:46 > 0:00:49On my mark, we will rush up the steep hill here,
0:00:49 > 0:00:54avoiding the flurry of arrows raining down on us from the battlements up here.
0:00:54 > 0:00:57Those who survive will cross the drawbridge,
0:00:57 > 0:00:58if it hasn't been hauled up,
0:00:58 > 0:01:02avoiding the boiling oil being poured on us from the gatehouse.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04We will then pass under the razor-sharp portcullis,
0:01:04 > 0:01:09which may or may not be dropped upon us, resulting in some light head loss.
0:01:09 > 0:01:12Then we will take on the 50 or so armed guards within the grounds.
0:01:12 > 0:01:16Should we defeat them, then and only then,
0:01:16 > 0:01:19the castle will be ours!
0:01:20 > 0:01:24Barring any unforeseen difficulties. Any questions? Yes, Davis?
0:01:24 > 0:01:27- That is completely insane! - That's not really a question.
0:01:27 > 0:01:32You're not seriously suggesting that? What with the arrows and the boiling oil
0:01:32 > 0:01:35and the razor-sharp thingy and t-t-the boiling oil?
0:01:35 > 0:01:38- And the guards.- And the guards, yes! Thanks, Geoff. It's suicide!
0:01:38 > 0:01:41Why did you two become knights in the first place?
0:01:41 > 0:01:45Anyway, that's not the only plan. There is a plan B, brothers.
0:01:45 > 0:01:50- Let's hear it, then. - We sneak around the back of the castle and enter the building here.
0:01:50 > 0:01:54I have discovered a shaft that leads directly from the edge of the moat
0:01:54 > 0:01:56to His Lordship's living quarters.
0:01:56 > 0:02:00We shimmy up the shaft, capture His Lordship, and then and only then,
0:02:00 > 0:02:02the castle is ours!
0:02:02 > 0:02:05Well, then, plan B sounds perfect.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07Wait a minute.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10- Are you sure there's no boiling oil poured down this shaft?- No.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13- What about the razor-sharp thingies? - That's a negative.
0:02:13 > 0:02:17- Archers? Any archers? - No. No, no, no, no, no.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19Plan B it is, then!
0:02:19 > 0:02:24- Are you sure it's unguarded?- I sent Sir Royston on a mission to check.
0:02:24 > 0:02:28This shaft is completely unguarded. Am I right, Roystie?
0:02:28 > 0:02:32It's completely unguarded. All the way from the bottom of the shaft
0:02:32 > 0:02:35right up to the castle toilets.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38I'll probably do plan A.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40- I think I'll stick with plan A. - Yep.
0:02:40 > 0:02:43Plan A was my plan, so I'm A-OK with plan A.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46- Thanks, anyway, Royston! - Cheers, mate.- Thanks.
0:02:46 > 0:02:48You took one for the team. HE GAGS
0:02:48 > 0:02:50That's right!
0:02:50 > 0:02:54People in the Middle Ages were known to sneak into a castle via the toilet chute.
0:02:54 > 0:03:00Something worse than having a sewer rat pop out of your toilet. A knight with a sword popping out!
0:03:00 > 0:03:03If you couldn't get inside the castle that way,
0:03:03 > 0:03:05there were other ways of capturing it.
0:03:05 > 0:03:09'And now the Siege Forecast with Matilda Never-Wash.'
0:03:10 > 0:03:13Well, we're four weeks into the siege now
0:03:13 > 0:03:17and the hot weather is set to continue over the next few days.
0:03:17 > 0:03:22Good news if you're here, outside the Medieval castle, attacking it,
0:03:22 > 0:03:26but bad news if you're here, inside the castle walls, defending it.
0:03:26 > 0:03:31As for rain, the outlook is grim. There won't be a single drop,
0:03:31 > 0:03:33which means you lot in here
0:03:33 > 0:03:36will soon run out of water, as well as food.
0:03:36 > 0:03:40And there's more bad news for those of you in the castle tomorrow,
0:03:40 > 0:03:45as we expect temperatures to soar thanks to these flaming arrows,
0:03:45 > 0:03:50which should burn down any remaining wooden structures by about midday.
0:03:50 > 0:03:54The afternoon should also see some heavy downpours of rocks
0:03:54 > 0:03:56from enemy catapults.
0:03:56 > 0:03:59These will be landing here, here and here,
0:03:59 > 0:04:04and there's a high likelihood we'll be seeing some rotten horse corpses.
0:04:04 > 0:04:08These are being catapulted in to cause an outbreak of disease.
0:04:08 > 0:04:13This may well be followed by some light showers of human heads.
0:04:13 > 0:04:17These are most likely the heads of other defenders who have been captured.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20They've been lobbed over the walls
0:04:20 > 0:04:23to terrify those of you who are still inside.
0:04:23 > 0:04:27So, in summary, the forecast for those of you defending the castle is
0:04:27 > 0:04:31you'll die of thirst, starve, be burnt to death, get squashed,
0:04:31 > 0:04:35catch a terminal disease or have your head chopped off.
0:04:35 > 0:04:39That's all from me. Have a lovely siege. Cheery-bye.
0:04:45 > 0:04:50'Four eager chefs, four historical eras, but just one prize.'
0:04:50 > 0:04:53'Who will be crowned historical Master Chef?'
0:04:53 > 0:04:56I want one of these historical chefs to cook some food for me
0:04:56 > 0:05:00and for me to really like it.
0:05:01 > 0:05:02Mmm.
0:05:02 > 0:05:07'Ann is from the Stuart era and head cook at a manor house in Yorkshire.'
0:05:07 > 0:05:11Excuse me. I can't figure out how this works.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13- Where's the dog? - The dog?- Yeah.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16In our Stuart house, I cook meat over a fire on a spit,
0:05:16 > 0:05:18turned by a dog walking around a wheel.
0:05:18 > 0:05:24- There you go, love. - That's the work of a witch! - SHE SCREAMS
0:05:24 > 0:05:26- HE LAUGHS - Ahh...
0:05:29 > 0:05:34OK, people, five minutes remaining. Five minutes.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37Three minutes!
0:05:38 > 0:05:40Two minutes!
0:05:40 > 0:05:44Eight minutes!
0:05:44 > 0:05:46Eight minutes.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48- You're looking very relaxed there. - 11 minutes!
0:05:48 > 0:05:51Of course I am. I've got this competition sewn up, love.
0:05:51 > 0:05:55- Today, I will be serving this. It's called a...- A banana.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58- You've seen one before? - Yeah, it's a banana.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01- They're new and exciting in Stuart times.- They're not now.
0:06:01 > 0:06:04I'd seriously think about serving something up with that.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07- Maybe a pineapple. - Are you out of your mind?
0:06:07 > 0:06:11You can't just eat pineapple! It's far too expensive.
0:06:11 > 0:06:14- It smells a bit rotten. - It's been on the lord's mantelpiece.
0:06:14 > 0:06:18- He puts it there to show off how rich he is.- Three minutes!
0:06:18 > 0:06:24I'd seriously start thinking about something else to serve, and fast.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27SHE SCREAMS
0:06:28 > 0:06:31'Ann is going all out to impress
0:06:31 > 0:06:35'and serves up a range of foodstuffs new to the Stuart era.'
0:06:35 > 0:06:37So, Ann, what do you have for us?
0:06:37 > 0:06:41This is a brand-new brewed beverage that we Stuarts like to call...
0:06:41 > 0:06:43- It's tea.- You know it?
0:06:43 > 0:06:47- OK. Well, we'll move straight on to the bold new flavour of...- Coffee.
0:06:47 > 0:06:53- In that case, maybe we'll just cut to the ground-breaking Stuart dessert...- It's ice-cream.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56I'm sorry, Ann, we've seen all this before.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59Hold on, John. That looks new!
0:06:59 > 0:07:01Hm.
0:07:01 > 0:07:07- Sweet-smelling. Jelly-like consistency. It's very interesting. - That's hardly new.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10It's an old Stuart delicacy that Charles II likes to have for breakfast.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13- It's called ambergris. - What is ambergris?
0:07:13 > 0:07:16Regurgitated whale phlegm.
0:07:18 > 0:07:22Ann, that is exciting, it's unusual.
0:07:22 > 0:07:26We're putting you through to the next round. Congratulations.
0:07:26 > 0:07:28Yes!
0:07:28 > 0:07:31Don't worry, we'll get you another one.
0:07:31 > 0:07:35It's true, posh Stuarts really did eat whale phlegm.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37And that's not the weirdest thing
0:07:37 > 0:07:41that you might find on the dinner table in the Stuart era!
0:07:42 > 0:07:45I can't believe you said yes to supper with the Raleighs.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47I can't keep saying no. It's embarrassing!
0:07:47 > 0:07:52Last time, it was a total nightmare. And I bet she sits me next to Walter again.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55He's impossible to make conversation with. You have to do all the work.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57Supper is served. Shall we sit down?
0:07:57 > 0:08:02Geoffrey, you're next to me. Miranda, I put you next to Walter.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09- Ah, isn't this nice? - Yes. It's wonderful.
0:08:09 > 0:08:11So, Walter,
0:08:11 > 0:08:13are you well?
0:08:13 > 0:08:17Sorry. Silly question!
0:08:17 > 0:08:20Erm, I must say, that's a nice cut. Of beef.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22I-It's a nice cut of beef!
0:08:22 > 0:08:26- So, how have you been? - Well. Yes, thank you.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29So, er, been anywhere nice recently? No?
0:08:29 > 0:08:31I don't suppose you get to travel so much.
0:08:31 > 0:08:37Oh, silly me! I've forgotten the horseradish! Won't be a tick.
0:08:38 > 0:08:43When we get home, you're so dead. Deader than him.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47HE LAUGHS
0:08:47 > 0:08:52After James the First had famous explorer Walter Raleigh executed in 1618,
0:08:52 > 0:08:58Walter's wife kept his severed head in a red bag for another 29 years and showed it off to people!
0:08:58 > 0:09:02"Have you met my better half? Well, actually, he's more like a quarter!"
0:09:02 > 0:09:04HE LAUGHS
0:09:19 > 0:09:21HE VOMITS
0:09:21 > 0:09:24HE TRUMPS
0:09:26 > 0:09:28HE LAUGHS
0:09:35 > 0:09:37CHEERING
0:09:41 > 0:09:45The word idiot comes from idiotes,
0:09:45 > 0:09:49which was the name us Ancient Greeks gave to people who didn't bother to vote in elections.
0:09:49 > 0:09:53Over time, it just came to mean "stupid", like this idiot...
0:09:55 > 0:09:57# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths
0:09:57 > 0:10:00# They're funny cos they're true Whoo
0:10:00 > 0:10:05# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths Hope next time it's not you. #
0:10:05 > 0:10:09I don't get it. Don't laugh at his jokes, you'll only encourage him.
0:10:09 > 0:10:13Next! HE PANTS
0:10:13 > 0:10:15- And who might you be? - I'm a boxer, yeah?
0:10:15 > 0:10:17Oh, no kidding!
0:10:17 > 0:10:18From Ancient Greece.
0:10:18 > 0:10:21Are you that famous Greek boxer - Theagenes of Thasos?
0:10:21 > 0:10:25- Don't say that name! - All right, keep your beard on.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27I promise I won't say that name again.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29- The name Theagenes. - Stop it!
0:10:29 > 0:10:33Oop! Did I say Theagenes? Did I say Theagenes? I did say Theagenes.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36Sorry, it turns out I did say Theagenes.
0:10:36 > 0:10:40- Stop it, yeah?- Come on, then. Let's get on with your stupid death.
0:10:40 > 0:10:45Ooh, does it by any chance involve a certain you-know-who?
0:10:45 > 0:10:48- And by that, I mean Theagenes. - Yeah, it does!
0:10:48 > 0:10:50Right, I hated Theagenes of Thasos.
0:10:50 > 0:10:54I really hated him, yeah. Cos he was, like, the champion boxer.
0:10:54 > 0:10:57I fought him loads of times, but he always beat me.
0:10:57 > 0:11:01And he was famous throughout Greece, but had anyone heard of me? No!
0:11:01 > 0:11:04- And you are? - Exactly my point, yeah?
0:11:04 > 0:11:08And guess what happens next. He dies before I can beat him
0:11:08 > 0:11:11and then the people of Thasos build a huge statue of him!
0:11:11 > 0:11:12Yes?
0:11:12 > 0:11:15So every night, yeah, I creep down with a big stick
0:11:15 > 0:11:18and I would beat the statue of Theagenes of Thasos.
0:11:18 > 0:11:23Like, "Ha-ha, I'm beating him, yeah? I'm beating Theagenes!" It made me feel so much better.
0:11:23 > 0:11:27Have you any idea where he's going with this? I'm clueless.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30So, anyway, one night, yeah, I crept down with my stick
0:11:30 > 0:11:33and I beat the statue of Theagenes of Thasos so hard
0:11:33 > 0:11:37that it fell down on top of me and it killed me.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40HE LAUGHS
0:11:40 > 0:11:43I didn't see that coming!
0:11:43 > 0:11:46But then, neither did you!
0:11:46 > 0:11:49Was the boxer's statue a heavyweight? Get it?
0:11:49 > 0:11:51A heavyweight boxer... (statue)!
0:11:51 > 0:11:54Yeah, I don't get it.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57Honestly, my humour is wasted on these idiots!
0:11:57 > 0:12:00All right, whatever-your-name is, off you go into the afterlife.
0:12:00 > 0:12:04- Nice one, yeah? I'll see you later. - Yeah!
0:12:07 > 0:12:09Knockout. Next!
0:12:09 > 0:12:11# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths
0:12:11 > 0:12:15# Hope next time it's not you Hoo-hoo. #
0:12:19 > 0:12:23Yes, we do crosses. We have a labradoodle and a cockapoo.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25That's a cross between a cocker spaniel and a poodle.
0:12:25 > 0:12:30Do we have a collywobble? What's that a cross between?
0:12:30 > 0:12:33A sheep dog and a jelly! Goodbye!
0:12:33 > 0:12:37Good day, madam. I wonder if you might render me your assistance.
0:12:37 > 0:12:40I require two of your finest geese, don't you know!
0:12:40 > 0:12:45I've had trouble with you historical people before. Go on, then, why?
0:12:45 > 0:12:48I intend to smuggle lace!
0:12:48 > 0:12:51I will force-feed the one this fine lace,
0:12:51 > 0:12:52smuggle it into the country
0:12:52 > 0:12:56and then have him vomit it up on t'other side!
0:12:56 > 0:12:58Not going to happen. What do you want the other one for?
0:12:58 > 0:13:02I intend to grease t'other's head, and hang him from a tree
0:13:02 > 0:13:06so as my friends and I can gallop underneath on horseback and pull his head off.
0:13:06 > 0:13:11It's called greased goose grabbing. Georgian foreign games, do you know?
0:13:11 > 0:13:15I know what you're thinking. We kill them first. We're not savages.
0:13:15 > 0:13:17We are definitely out of geese.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20In the modern era, we actually like animals.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22Love 'em meself, me lady, love 'em meself!
0:13:22 > 0:13:26How's about I purchase this kitty for two shillings?
0:13:26 > 0:13:29Do you have another? This one's fat. Couldn't possibly eat it whole.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31- Cats are not food! - CAT MEOWS
0:13:31 > 0:13:35Precisely! That is why it shall prove such excellent entertainment
0:13:35 > 0:13:38when I eat a dead one whole at the Georgian village fete.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41Really? Go on, out you go. Otherwise, I'll get my dog on you.
0:13:41 > 0:13:45All right, no need to release the hound!
0:13:45 > 0:13:47You'd lick him to death, wouldn't you?
0:13:47 > 0:13:51Do you know of a place that sells nails? I need something to feed my ostrich.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53- Out! - TOY SQUEAKS
0:13:53 > 0:13:55- How dare you! - DOG BARKS
0:13:56 > 0:14:00There really was an ostrich that was fed nails in Georgian times.
0:14:00 > 0:14:05It was kept at the Tower of London and its keepers didn't know what it should be fed on.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07Thanks to its dodgy diet, it died.
0:14:07 > 0:14:11If a Georgian fed an ostrich nails and it got diarrhoea,
0:14:11 > 0:14:14would he have invented the first ever nail gun?
0:14:28 > 0:14:32But they did come up with some more acceptable ways of entertaining themselves.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34Hello, I'm John Jo...
0:14:34 > 0:14:36HE CRASHES
0:14:36 > 0:14:38Hello, I'm John Joseph Merlin
0:14:38 > 0:14:41and I'm here to tell you... Whoa!
0:14:42 > 0:14:45Hello, I'm John Joseph Merlin
0:14:45 > 0:14:49and I'm here to tell you about my brand-new invention, roller skates,
0:14:49 > 0:14:51the fun, fast way to travel.
0:14:51 > 0:14:52Whoa!
0:14:52 > 0:14:58My unique skate design features smooth metal rollers attached to a flat metal plate
0:14:58 > 0:15:01that simply straps to your existing shoe or boot or shoe.
0:15:01 > 0:15:05Just like skating on ice, only much safer!
0:15:05 > 0:15:06Whoa!
0:15:06 > 0:15:10Once fitted, you can roll your way into any fancy function
0:15:10 > 0:15:12and you'll be the talk of the room!
0:15:12 > 0:15:17Look, darling, that man glides as if he is floating.
0:15:17 > 0:15:21No. He's wearing John Joseph Merlin's brand-new roller skates.
0:15:21 > 0:15:25- Oh, well, that is better, then. - Mm.
0:15:25 > 0:15:28It's perfect for playing the violin while on the move!
0:15:28 > 0:15:30HE CRASHES
0:15:30 > 0:15:33So try John Joseph Merlin's new roller skates today
0:15:33 > 0:15:36and you'll be on a roll!
0:15:40 > 0:15:43Brakes! I knew I forgot something!
0:15:54 > 0:15:56Hello and welcome to the News At When.
0:15:56 > 0:16:03When? 991 AD, when a huge Viking invasion landed on the Essex coast
0:16:03 > 0:16:06and a brave army of Anglo-Saxons tried to hold them off.
0:16:06 > 0:16:10Saxon battles are often recorded in poems by monks,
0:16:10 > 0:16:14and I think one of them is with our war correspondent, Mike Peabody, now. Mike...
0:16:14 > 0:16:18Thanks, Sam. You join me in the thick of the battle.
0:16:18 > 0:16:19The Vikings, over there,
0:16:19 > 0:16:23outnumbering Saxons on this side of the river by two-to-one.
0:16:23 > 0:16:27I'm joined now by Brother Thomas. How do you rate the Saxons' chances?
0:16:27 > 0:16:30If the Vikings get across, they'll squash us like ants
0:16:30 > 0:16:34and one thing's for sure, I'll wet my pants.
0:16:34 > 0:16:35T-Thank you.
0:16:35 > 0:16:40I've just seen the leader of the Saxons, Byrthnoth, the Earl of Essex.
0:16:40 > 0:16:44I'm Mike Peabody, HHTV News. Can you give us an update on how the battle's going?
0:16:44 > 0:16:47Well, there's only one narrow crossing on the river,
0:16:47 > 0:16:50so I position my very best warriors to defend it.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52If the Viking chaps can't get across,
0:16:52 > 0:16:55they won't be able to exploit their superior numbers,
0:16:55 > 0:16:57- and victory will be ours.- Thank you.
0:16:57 > 0:17:01I must say, that sounds like an excellent plan,
0:17:01 > 0:17:03nice one, Byrthnoth, you da man.
0:17:03 > 0:17:08- Oh, well, thanks, old boot. Anyway, I'd better be, er... Tally-ho! - Thanks.
0:17:08 > 0:17:12It looks like the heroic Saxons will successfully hold off the Viking hoards.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14That's fantastic news for the underdogs.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17It looks like there's been a development.
0:17:17 > 0:17:20The Viking leader, Olaf, is having a parlay with Byrthnoth.
0:17:20 > 0:17:23- HE SIGHS - Brythnoth, hello again.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25Can you tell me what Olaf's asking for?
0:17:25 > 0:17:29Well, he said the situation is all a bit unsporting
0:17:29 > 0:17:32because the Vikings can't get their army over here for a proper battle,
0:17:32 > 0:17:38- so he's asked me if I'll let them across the river for a fair fight. - As if!
0:17:38 > 0:17:40So, naturally, I said yes.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43- You said what? - Not giving them a proper chance
0:17:43 > 0:17:45simply wouldn't be Anglo-Saxonish.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48- Cheers, mate.- No problem. - Thanks.- OK.- Much appreciated.
0:17:48 > 0:17:52Sorry, isn't that like opening the castle gates to let the enemy in?
0:17:52 > 0:17:56- Er... Well, in many ways, yes. - Well...
0:17:56 > 0:18:00I think you'd better hold your nose because I need a change of clothes.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02Ohh!
0:18:02 > 0:18:05Mike Peabody, HHTV News, really wishing he was somewhere else.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08You get back or I will tickle you.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10SCREAMING
0:18:10 > 0:18:15We know about the Battle Of Maldon thanks to a famous poem written soon afterwards,
0:18:15 > 0:18:19though the poet probably wasn't at the battle himself!
0:18:19 > 0:18:23In Saxon times, monks wrote poems and copied out manuscripts.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26They were very much the photocopiers of their time.
0:18:26 > 0:18:30Whilst they could only copy a page a day, they had very few paper jams!
0:18:30 > 0:18:34'In this month's Monk Magazine, everything for the Saxon monk.'
0:18:34 > 0:18:38'We've an exclusive on St Cuthbert, the Bishop of Lindisfarne.'
0:18:38 > 0:18:40Find out how we prevented Vikings
0:18:40 > 0:18:44getting their hands on St Cuthbert's dead body when they attacked our monastery.
0:18:44 > 0:18:46We carried him round for seven years!
0:18:46 > 0:18:50- If I'm honest, he's not as fresh as he was.- He's a lot lighter, though!
0:18:50 > 0:18:53Oh, his arm's dropped off.
0:18:53 > 0:18:57- Read our story only in Monk Magazine!- Monk's Magazine!
0:18:57 > 0:18:59- His arm's dropped off, Steve. - Gone, innit?
0:18:59 > 0:19:02Right, I'll get it.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04That's handy!
0:19:04 > 0:19:06No 'arm done!
0:19:06 > 0:19:08'Plus, are you fed up with your quills breaking
0:19:08 > 0:19:11'when you're copying out manuscripts?'
0:19:11 > 0:19:14'Help is at hand with our sturdy goose-feather quill,
0:19:14 > 0:19:15'free with Monk Magazine.'
0:19:15 > 0:19:18'Don't miss the crazy theories from our wacky columnist,
0:19:18 > 0:19:22'historian, scientist and theologian, the Venerable Bede.'
0:19:22 > 0:19:26- I believe the world is round. - 'He's c-c-c-crazy!'
0:19:26 > 0:19:30According to my calculations, the moon affects the tides.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32'What a crackpot!'
0:19:32 > 0:19:35- I'll have you know I'm the smartest man in Britain!- 'Whatever!'
0:19:35 > 0:19:40'Only in Monk Magazine, the only monthly monk magazine, written by monks, for monks, about monks.'
0:19:40 > 0:19:46- 'First copy out now.' - Section one available as soon as I've finished copying it.
0:19:51 > 0:19:54APPLAUSE
0:19:54 > 0:19:57Ladies and gentlemen...
0:19:57 > 0:20:01Well, gentlemen certainly. This is no place for a lady.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03MEN SNIGGER
0:20:03 > 0:20:07It gives me great pleasure, and no small amount of relief,
0:20:07 > 0:20:12to declare this, the first ever flushing public lavatory, open.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14APPLAUSE
0:20:18 > 0:20:20HE WHISTLES
0:20:24 > 0:20:27Might want to leave it five minutes.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32HE GASPS Oh, my goodness!
0:20:36 > 0:20:39A year previously, in 1851,
0:20:39 > 0:20:44temporary toilets were exhibited at the Great Exhibition in London's Hyde Park
0:20:44 > 0:20:47and visitors were charged a penny to use them.
0:20:47 > 0:20:51That is thought to be the origin of the phrase "to spend a penny".
0:20:51 > 0:20:55And this is the origin of the Nobel Peace Prize.
0:20:56 > 0:20:59Hm, interesting.
0:20:59 > 0:21:01But that's not what's supposed to happen.
0:21:01 > 0:21:05Darling, I don't want to worry you or anything,
0:21:05 > 0:21:08- but I think you might be dead. - Hm?
0:21:09 > 0:21:11I don't think so, darling.
0:21:11 > 0:21:15This newspaper seems to think you are, and it's always been very reliable in the past.
0:21:15 > 0:21:20"Doctor Alfred Nobel, the Swedish chemist and inventor of dynamite,
0:21:20 > 0:21:23died yesterday in the French resort of Cannes."
0:21:23 > 0:21:25Let me see that.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28Good grief, it does say I'm dead.
0:21:28 > 0:21:31Look what they're calling me, "the merchant of death".
0:21:31 > 0:21:34It says here, "Dr Alfred Nobel became rich
0:21:34 > 0:21:37"by finding ways to kill more people even faster than ever before."
0:21:37 > 0:21:40You'd think that just because I'd invented dynamite,
0:21:40 > 0:21:44I am personally responsible for the death of thousands of people!
0:21:44 > 0:21:48- Have you ever heard such nonsense? - CLOCK TICKS
0:21:48 > 0:21:51I said, have you ever heard such rubbish?
0:21:52 > 0:21:55Sophie, if you have something to say...
0:21:55 > 0:21:59Well, you did invent what is, at this point in time,
0:21:59 > 0:22:01the most powerful explosive on earth.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04- And it has gone on to kill thousands of people.- What's your point?
0:22:04 > 0:22:10All I'm saying is, you have to accept when people hear the word "Nobel",
0:22:10 > 0:22:13they're always going to think of dynamite.
0:22:13 > 0:22:16I knew I should've called it Nobel's Safety Powder.
0:22:16 > 0:22:20Do you really think that when I actually do go that this is how I'll be remembered?
0:22:20 > 0:22:25Oh, sweetheart, of course it is, my furry-cheeked little death merchant.
0:22:25 > 0:22:27Well, not if I can help it!
0:22:27 > 0:22:29I shall reinvent my own image.
0:22:29 > 0:22:34- What?- I shall use my massive fortune to establish a special prize.
0:22:34 > 0:22:38One that rewards positive human endeavours in the pursuit of peace
0:22:38 > 0:22:41so that when I do die, I won't just be linked to explosives!
0:22:41 > 0:22:47And I, Alfred Nobel, will call this special peace prize...
0:22:47 > 0:22:49..Prize-A-Mite!
0:22:51 > 0:22:58Darling, why don't you call it the Nobel Peace Prize?
0:22:58 > 0:22:59HE CHUCKLES
0:22:59 > 0:23:04I love you, darling, but you have absolutely no idea when it comes to marketing.
0:23:04 > 0:23:08- A-hem! Tea!- Certainly.
0:23:13 > 0:23:17William the Conqueror became King of England in 1066
0:23:17 > 0:23:20and he was the first in a long line of English kings and queens.
0:23:20 > 0:23:24There is William II, Henry I, Stephen...
0:23:24 > 0:23:27Do you know what, I'll let them tell you themselves.
0:23:30 > 0:23:33# I'm William the Conqueror My enemies stood no chance
0:23:33 > 0:23:36# They call me the first English king
0:23:36 > 0:23:38# Although I come from France
0:23:38 > 0:23:42# 1066 the Doomsday Book I gave to history
0:23:42 > 0:23:45# So fat on death, my body burst But enough about me
0:23:45 > 0:23:49# To help remember all your kings I've come up with this song
0:23:49 > 0:23:55# A simple rhyme and ditty For you all to sing along, oh...
0:23:55 > 0:23:57# William... #
0:23:57 > 0:24:01Bit short, isn't it? We need more kings. Who came next?
0:24:01 > 0:24:05# William Second, cheeks were red Killed out hunting, so it said
0:24:05 > 0:24:07# I took over, Henry One
0:24:07 > 0:24:09# That's my next eldest son
0:24:09 > 0:24:10# Then King Stephen It's true, check it
0:24:10 > 0:24:12# I, Henry Two, killed Thomas Becket
0:24:12 > 0:24:16# Richard Lionheart, that's right Always spoiling for a fight
0:24:16 > 0:24:20# Oh, King John, what a disaster We're all restrained by Magna Carta
0:24:20 > 0:24:24# William, William, Henry, Stephen Henry, Richard, John, Oi!
0:24:24 > 0:24:27# Time for my mate King Henry Eight To take up this song
0:24:27 > 0:24:29# Henry Three built the abbey
0:24:29 > 0:24:31# Ed One hated Scots
0:24:31 > 0:24:35# A red-hot poker killed Ed Two That must've hurt him lots
0:24:35 > 0:24:38# Edward Third was a chivalry nerd Begun the Hundred Years' War
0:24:38 > 0:24:42# Then Richard Two was king aged 10 Then Henry, yes, one more
0:24:42 > 0:24:46# King Henry Four, floods galore Not least from Henry Five! Why?
0:24:46 > 0:24:49# Killed ten score at Agincourt Then Henry Six arrived
0:24:49 > 0:24:53# Edward Four, Edward Five Richard the Third, he's bad
0:24:53 > 0:24:56# Cos he fought wars with Henry Seven, first Tudor and my dad
0:24:56 > 0:25:00# So Henry Eight, I was great Six wives, two were beheaded
0:25:00 > 0:25:04# Edward the Sixth came next But he died young and so my dreaded
0:25:04 > 0:25:07- # Daughter Mary ruled, so scary, Then along came- # Me
0:25:07 > 0:25:09# I'm Liz the First, I had no kids
0:25:09 > 0:25:14# So Tudors RIP...
0:25:14 > 0:25:17# William, William, Henry, Stephen Henry, Richard, John, Oi!
0:25:17 > 0:25:20# Henry, Ed, Ed, Ed, Rich Two Then three more Henrys join our song
0:25:20 > 0:25:24# Edward, Edward, Rich the Third Henry, Henry, Ed again
0:25:24 > 0:25:27- # Mary One, Good Queen Bess - # That's me, time for more men
0:25:27 > 0:25:31# James Sixth of Scotland next English James the First he led
0:25:31 > 0:25:33# Then Stuarts ruled So Charles the First
0:25:33 > 0:25:34# The one who lost his head
0:25:34 > 0:25:37# No monarchy until came me Charles Two, I like to party
0:25:37 > 0:25:41# King Jimmy Two was scary, whoo Then Mary was a smarty
0:25:41 > 0:25:43# She ruled with Phil Their shoes were filled
0:25:43 > 0:25:44# By sourpuss Queen Anne Gloria
0:25:44 > 0:25:46# And so from then You were ruled by men
0:25:46 > 0:25:51# Till along came me, Victoria!
0:25:51 > 0:25:54# William, William, Henry, Stephen Henry, Richard, John, Oi!
0:25:54 > 0:25:57# Henry, Ed, Ed, Ed, Rich Two Then three more Henrys join our song
0:25:57 > 0:26:01# Edward, Edward, Rich the Third Henry, Henry, Ed again
0:26:01 > 0:26:04# Mary One, Good Queen Bess Jimmy, Charles and Charles and then
0:26:04 > 0:26:07# Jim, Will, Mary, Anna Gloria
0:26:07 > 0:26:10# Still to come it's Queen Victoria
0:26:10 > 0:26:14# And so began the Hanover Gang George One and George Two
0:26:14 > 0:26:17- # George the Third was quite absurd - # Till I replaced old him
0:26:17 > 0:26:20- # King George the Fourth and known henceforth as angry, fat and cross - Hang on!
0:26:20 > 0:26:23- # It's true you beat Napoleon But were mostly a dead loss - Bang on
0:26:23 > 0:26:25- # William the Four was a sailor - # A-hoy
0:26:25 > 0:26:27# It's nearly the end of the story
0:26:27 > 0:26:28# As onto the scene comes the best-loved queen
0:26:28 > 0:26:33# Hail to Queen Victoria!
0:26:33 > 0:26:36# William, William, Henry, Stephen Henry, Richard, John, Oi!
0:26:36 > 0:26:39# Henry, Ed, Ed, Ed, Rich Two Then three more Henrys join our song
0:26:39 > 0:26:42# Edward, Edward, Rich the Third Henry, Henry, Ed again
0:26:42 > 0:26:46# Mary One, Good Queen Bess Jimmy, Charles and Charles and then
0:26:46 > 0:26:49# Jim, Will, Mary, Anna Gloria
0:26:49 > 0:26:52# George, George, George, George, Will, Victoria
0:26:52 > 0:26:54# Victoria...
0:26:54 > 0:26:58- # Victoria...- # Victoria... #
0:26:58 > 0:27:01I ruled for 64 years, you know.
0:27:01 > 0:27:05# Ed 7, George 5, Ed 8, George 6 Liz 2 then reigned and how
0:27:05 > 0:27:09# And so our Famous Monarchs song Is brought right up to now
0:27:09 > 0:27:11# Oh....
0:27:11 > 0:27:14# William, William, Henry, Stephen Henry, Richard, John, Oi!
0:27:14 > 0:27:17# Henry, Ed, Ed, Ed, Rich Two Then three more Henrys join our song
0:27:17 > 0:27:20# Edward, Edward, Rich the Third Henry, Henry, Ed again
0:27:20 > 0:27:23# Mary One, Good Queen Bess Jimmy, Charles and Charles and then
0:27:23 > 0:27:26# Jim, Will, Mary, Anna Gloria
0:27:26 > 0:27:30# George, George, George, George Will, Victoria
0:27:30 > 0:27:32# Edward, George, Edward, George Six
0:27:32 > 0:27:37# And Queen Liz Two completes the mix
0:27:39 > 0:27:42# That's all the English kings and queens
0:27:42 > 0:27:48# Since William First that there have been #
0:27:48 > 0:27:49- # Tall tales- # Atrocious acts
0:27:49 > 0:27:50# We gave you all the fearsome facts... #
0:27:50 > 0:27:54Can you keep a secret? No, me, neither.
0:27:54 > 0:27:57I've found some great games in the Time Sewers. Want to play?
0:27:57 > 0:27:59Just go to the CBBC website
0:27:59 > 0:28:01and click on Horrible Histories. See you there!
0:28:01 > 0:28:05- # Hope you enjoyed... - # Horrible Histories #
0:28:05 > 0:28:08Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd