0:00:02 > 0:00:03# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians
0:00:03 > 0:00:05# Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians Woeful wars, ferocious fights
0:00:05 > 0:00:07# Dingy castles, daring knights
0:00:07 > 0:00:08# Horrors that defy description
0:00:08 > 0:00:11# Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes
0:00:11 > 0:00:13# Punishments from ancient times Roman rotten, rank and ruthless
0:00:13 > 0:00:15# Caveman savage, fierce and toothless
0:00:15 > 0:00:16# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages
0:00:16 > 0:00:18# Mean and measly Middle Ages
0:00:18 > 0:00:20# Gory stories we do that
0:00:20 > 0:00:23# And your host a talking rat
0:00:23 > 0:00:26# The past is no longer a mystery
0:00:26 > 0:00:32# Welcome to Horrible Histories. #
0:00:37 > 0:00:40Much of the First World War was fought in the trenches
0:00:40 > 0:00:43and life in the trenches was truly frightful.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46- Eh up.- Billy Boy! Welcome to the trenches.
0:00:46 > 0:00:49Thanks Charlie. I'll just drop my kit bag in the bedroom,
0:00:49 > 0:00:52- I'm desperate for the toilet. - Of course, go ahead.
0:00:52 > 0:00:54Where is the bedroom?
0:00:54 > 0:00:56- Well, you're in it. - You what?
0:00:56 > 0:01:00Only the officers get a separate dugout. The rest of us sleep on the floor, in the mud.
0:01:00 > 0:01:01RATS SQUEAKING
0:01:01 > 0:01:03- Oh!- With the rats.
0:01:03 > 0:01:06Ugh, disgusting! Where are the toilets?
0:01:06 > 0:01:08Er, it's over there, behind the trenches.
0:01:08 > 0:01:10Though, rule one. Never, ever...
0:01:10 > 0:01:11EXPLOSION
0:01:14 > 0:01:18As I was saying, never use the toilets first thing in the morning.
0:01:18 > 0:01:21The Germans know that we tend to go then,
0:01:21 > 0:01:23so they always fire shells at the toilet sheds,
0:01:23 > 0:01:25try and catch us with our trousers down.
0:01:25 > 0:01:26So to speak.
0:01:26 > 0:01:31- Righto.- So we tend use the bucket.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33You know, I think I'll just hold it in.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35Can't say I blame you. So then,
0:01:35 > 0:01:37- rule two...- Ah!
0:01:37 > 0:01:39GUNSHOT
0:01:39 > 0:01:44- Never poke your head up above the trench.- Cor lummy, that were close!
0:01:44 > 0:01:47Hey, give us a sip of that brew, calm me nerves.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49Rule three, watch out for the water.
0:01:49 > 0:01:52We put chloride and lime in it. Kills the germs.
0:01:52 > 0:01:53Good.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55Yeah, not if you're not used to it, though.
0:01:55 > 0:01:58Tends to give you very bad diarrhoea.
0:01:58 > 0:01:59STOMACH GURGLING
0:01:59 > 0:02:00Oh!
0:02:00 > 0:02:01Gangway!
0:02:03 > 0:02:04EXPLOSION
0:02:07 > 0:02:08I think somebody forget rule one.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11Right.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14I won't be a minute.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17Just for the record, Billy, rats are not disgusting.
0:02:17 > 0:02:21Unsavoury, perhaps, but not disgusting.
0:02:21 > 0:02:24Yes, life in the trenches was hard and when you didn't have much,
0:02:24 > 0:02:27you had to make good use of what you'd got.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29Hi, I'm a shouty man
0:02:29 > 0:02:33and I'm here to tell you about the multi-purpose liquid revolution.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35New World War One Wee-wee.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37- Wee-wee?!- Yes, wee-wee.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40Are your hard army boots giving you blisters?
0:02:40 > 0:02:43- Aye, happen they are.- Then just soften up that tough leather
0:02:43 > 0:02:46with new World War One Wee-wee.
0:02:47 > 0:02:51Wow, that feels much better. They feel like slippers now.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54Well, slippers that have been weed on.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56Is your machine gun overheating?
0:02:56 > 0:02:57Aye, happen it is.
0:02:57 > 0:02:58Run out of water?
0:02:58 > 0:03:00Aye, happen I have.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03Then just cool it down with new World War One Wee-wee.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06Watch out, incoming!
0:03:06 > 0:03:08Gas attack!
0:03:08 > 0:03:10- Mislaid your gas mask? - Aye, happen I have.
0:03:10 > 0:03:14Then wee on a hankie and wrap it round your nose and mouth.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16Eurgh, yuck!
0:03:16 > 0:03:19This will protect you against some poisonous gasses, not all of them.
0:03:19 > 0:03:23- Are you sure these gasses are worse than the stench of wee?- Pretty sure.
0:03:23 > 0:03:27Yes, that's new World War One Wee-wee.
0:03:27 > 0:03:31Wee for victory, boys. And how much does it cost?
0:03:31 > 0:03:34- Why,- one pee,- of course.
0:03:40 > 0:03:44You won't believe it, but some of the first warriors
0:03:44 > 0:03:47to invade Britain were actually invited over.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54Hello, and welcome to Invasion, Invasion, Invasion.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57This week, we're looking for somewhere in mainland Britain,
0:03:57 > 0:04:01for two Saxon brothers, Hengest and Horsa, to take over.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03Let's go and meet them.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05Hengest, Horsa,
0:04:05 > 0:04:08I've brought you here to the Island of Thanet,
0:04:08 > 0:04:10just off the coast of Kent.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12I think it ticks all your boxes, but what do you think?
0:04:12 > 0:04:14Well, it's a little bit small.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16Ah, that is a shame because the vendor,
0:04:16 > 0:04:20Vortigern, King of the Britons, wants to offer you this for free.
0:04:20 > 0:04:21I should hope so,
0:04:21 > 0:04:24he owes up big time for helping to drive the Picts back up to Scotland.
0:04:24 > 0:04:28- Yah, we're really good at fighting, you know.- Well, I am, anyway.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30- Not as good as me. - How can you say that?
0:04:30 > 0:04:32I'm the best at fighting!
0:04:33 > 0:04:37So, anyway, we do really need somewhere bigger.
0:04:37 > 0:04:41- Where did you have in mind?- Kent. - Ooh, lovely! Whereabouts in Kent?
0:04:41 > 0:04:44- Kent. The whole of Kent. - Whole of Kent.
0:04:44 > 0:04:49Hengest and Horsa have their hearts set on the whole of Kent.
0:04:49 > 0:04:52But first, they'll have to negotiate with the current owner,
0:04:52 > 0:04:54Vortigern, King of the Britons.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57Oh, OK you're sure.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00We'll give you nothing for it.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03Well, that's a toughie. Er...
0:05:03 > 0:05:04I'll have to say no.
0:05:04 > 0:05:05You drive a hard bargain.
0:05:05 > 0:05:09How about if I offer you, er...
0:05:12 > 0:05:13My daughter, Rowena.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15Ah, yes, it's a deal.
0:05:15 > 0:05:19- Er, do I get a say in this? - No, probably not.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22Well, that's great. We've got exactly what they wanted.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24You know, Kent does still feel a bit small.
0:05:24 > 0:05:27We'd like somewhere bigger than this, please.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30Are you going to offer me more attractive daughters?
0:05:30 > 0:05:33- I have a cousin but, er... - We thought we could offer you this.
0:05:33 > 0:05:37- We're really good at fighting. - Well, I am, anyway.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40- You're not as good as me! - I won that competition!
0:05:40 > 0:05:43Ah! Come back, British king!
0:05:44 > 0:05:48Negotiations over further land have got a bit out of hand.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50In fact, they've turned into an all-out war
0:05:50 > 0:05:53and Horsa has been forced to pull out of the deal.
0:05:53 > 0:05:56Ouch.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58I told you I was a better fighter than him.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01In an effort to finalise negotiations,
0:06:01 > 0:06:06Hengest has invited Vortigern over for a peace banquet.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09Right, just lay the table.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11So spoon here,
0:06:11 > 0:06:14knife - in the back of their necks!
0:06:16 > 0:06:17Ah, dinner!
0:06:17 > 0:06:21- How civilised. So much better than fighting, I find.- Ja.
0:06:21 > 0:06:25- Shall I carve?- Yes. Ah, there's no food,
0:06:25 > 0:06:26There's no food!
0:06:28 > 0:06:32So he killed everybody, then asked me whether I wanted to die
0:06:32 > 0:06:35and, er, I gave him the whole of the south-east of England.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37Mm, tough negotiator.
0:06:37 > 0:06:41- So, Hengest. Happy? - Ja, for sure.- Good.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44It goes to show you can move right up the property ladder
0:06:44 > 0:06:46if you've got a good eye for a bargain.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48And you're really good at fighting.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50See you next week.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52Hopefully.
0:06:52 > 0:06:56History and legend are a bit mixed-up in the story
0:06:56 > 0:07:00of Hengest and Horsa, so it's probably only about 50% accu-rat.
0:07:00 > 0:07:04But historians generally agree that Hengest turned a peace banquet
0:07:04 > 0:07:07with Vortigern into a murderous rampage.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09The rat knows all.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23Greetings, my devotees of dread.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25I am Vincenzo Larthos
0:07:25 > 0:07:28and this week's sca-a-ary story
0:07:28 > 0:07:32is from Stuart times. The Tale Of Evil Edmund.
0:07:34 > 0:07:39It was 1632 when Edmund,
0:07:39 > 0:07:43a young lad from the blood-curdling county of Lancashire,
0:07:43 > 0:07:46first realised that he had the gift of being able to spot a witch.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48WITCH CACKLING
0:07:48 > 0:07:50Ah-ha, ha, ha. Indeed.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52One day, Edmund was playing on the moors
0:07:52 > 0:07:55when he spotted two dogs trailing chains.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58He tried to get the dogs to hunt, but they would not,
0:07:58 > 0:08:02so he beat them with a stick and suddenly they turned into men.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04Hello, there.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06- That's our "men" sound effect, is it?- Hello, there.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08It's not very good.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13Of course, Edmund knew at once that this must be witchcraft.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16For reasons he couldn't explain, he knew who the witch was.
0:08:16 > 0:08:20It was his next-door neighbour, Frances Dickinson.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23Edmund rushed to confront the witch, but she tied him up
0:08:23 > 0:08:25and dragged him to a witch's coven
0:08:25 > 0:08:28where he saw for himself all the witches and warlocks,
0:08:28 > 0:08:30feasting and chanting.
0:08:30 > 0:08:32And he was afraid that the high point
0:08:32 > 0:08:35of their sinister ceremony would be a sacrifice.
0:08:35 > 0:08:36Edmund himself!
0:08:36 > 0:08:38DRAMATIC CHORD
0:08:38 > 0:08:41Edmund fought his way loose of his shackles
0:08:41 > 0:08:42and ran to the local magistrate.
0:08:42 > 0:08:46In no time, the neighbour was arrested and sentenced to death.
0:08:46 > 0:08:51Edmund became the stuff of legend, able to identify any witch.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53He was paid handsomely for his unique gift
0:08:53 > 0:08:58and what fate would befall these foul witches and warlocks of that cruel coven?
0:08:58 > 0:09:02Well, they were all released without charge.
0:09:03 > 0:09:05What?
0:09:05 > 0:09:09It turned out Edmund was a liar?!
0:09:09 > 0:09:12He made up all the stuff about witches.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14His dad made him do it to make money!?
0:09:14 > 0:09:17There were no dogs in the first place
0:09:17 > 0:09:21and the lady next door was let out of jail with an apology!?
0:09:21 > 0:09:25This is not a scary story. That's an annoying child story.
0:09:25 > 0:09:27Right, I'm not doing this any more.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29I've played Macbeth you know,
0:09:29 > 0:09:32Macbeth, I gave a semi-competent performance.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35That's not me saying that, that's the Wolverhampton Gazette.
0:09:35 > 0:09:38I'm better than this. Unbelievable.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55The Stuarts really had some silly ideas about medicine.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58Don't worry, Paul. I've called an ambulance.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00- Make way!- Make way! - Make way!- Make way.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03- Make way!- Make way! - Historical Paramedics.
0:10:03 > 0:10:04What's the problem?
0:10:04 > 0:10:06It's my friend. He said his stomach hurt...
0:10:06 > 0:10:09- Plague!- Plague.- It sounds like plague.- No, it isn't.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12- Always plague where we come from. - Where's that?- The Stuart era.
0:10:12 > 0:10:16What do you think, Jack? Tobacco pipe or a gold coin in the mouth.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18It's not plague. We don't have plague any more.
0:10:18 > 0:10:21Then how do you explain these red marks, woman?
0:10:21 > 0:10:23- Could be measles.- Could be. Nigel, get Flossy.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25What's Flossy?
0:10:25 > 0:10:26I think you mean, who's Flossy.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29- Here she is.- That's a sheep.
0:10:29 > 0:10:32Yes, and we need to get her in bed with this boy while she's still warm.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34It's the best cure for measles.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36It's not measles, he's had the vaccine.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38- The vac what?- The vac...
0:10:38 > 0:10:41Madam, if it be not measles, then why does he have spots on his face?
0:10:41 > 0:10:43Because he's a teenager?
0:10:43 > 0:10:45Please help him, he's in pain.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47- What be his name?- Paul.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49YELLS: Where do ye hurt, Paul?
0:10:49 > 0:10:51I told you, his belly aches.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54Belly ache. Do you think it could be belly ache?
0:10:54 > 0:10:57- We should stone him, just to be sure.- Stone him?
0:10:57 > 0:10:59It's fine. We lay a large stone on his belly,
0:10:59 > 0:11:01one on which the sun has never shone.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03We get them from Scotland.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05I could only find this extra large one.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08- Hurgh!- That didn't sound good.- No,
0:11:08 > 0:11:11- Nigel, get the resuscitator. - Oh, you have a resuscitator?
0:11:11 > 0:11:13A tobacco resuscitator.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15Now, get the bellows and blow smoke up his bottom.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18- What?!- Turn him over, Nigel.
0:11:18 > 0:11:22Oh, it's no good, there seems to be a massive stone on top of him.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24Blast! There always complications.
0:11:24 > 0:11:25AMBULANCE SIREN
0:11:25 > 0:11:29- We should leave.- Madam, I'm sorry. We've done all we can do.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31You've made him worse!
0:11:31 > 0:11:34Yes, that's pretty much all we can do.
0:11:34 > 0:11:38- Run away.- Run away! Run away!
0:11:39 > 0:11:42Oh, no! Those historical ones have been here again, haven't they?
0:11:42 > 0:11:45Jane? Jane, get some sponges,
0:11:45 > 0:11:46and a crowbar.
0:11:49 > 0:11:53And the winner of this year's Most Ridiculous Historical Cure Award
0:11:53 > 0:11:57goes to the Stuart's tobacco resuscitators.
0:11:57 > 0:11:58CHEERING
0:11:58 > 0:12:02Will the inventor please come up and collect his prize?
0:12:02 > 0:12:03THUDDING AND GASPS
0:12:03 > 0:12:05Looks like he's fainted with shock.
0:12:05 > 0:12:09Quick! Blow smoke up his bottom! It won't work but it sounds funny.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12Blow smoke up his bottom! Ha-ha-ha!
0:12:19 > 0:12:21# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths
0:12:21 > 0:12:23# They're funny cos they're true
0:12:23 > 0:12:26Woo! # Stupid deaths, stupid deaths
0:12:26 > 0:12:29# Hope next time it's not you. # Hee-hee!
0:12:29 > 0:12:32What, this old thing? No, I've had it ages.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34About 600 years. Next!
0:12:34 > 0:12:35Name!
0:12:35 > 0:12:39James II of Scotland. Son of James I,
0:12:39 > 0:12:40father of James III.
0:12:40 > 0:12:42James I, James II, James III.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45Not very imaginative, you Scottish royals, are you?
0:12:45 > 0:12:47What you lot need is this.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50Death's Big Book Of Baby Names.
0:12:50 > 0:12:51Over two copies sold.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55Well, James, let's hear your story.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57The stupider the better, please.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00Right, well, we Scots were besieging Roxburgh Castle,
0:13:00 > 0:13:03which was a Scottish castle being held by the English.
0:13:03 > 0:13:04SNORING
0:13:04 > 0:13:06Now, to ensure victory,
0:13:06 > 0:13:09I'd brought the latest in modern medieval warfare, a cannon.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12- Ooh, a cannon!- Of course, in my day,
0:13:12 > 0:13:15they'd a nasty habit of blowing up in your face.
0:13:15 > 0:13:16Oh, goody!
0:13:16 > 0:13:18My cannon was from Flanders.
0:13:18 > 0:13:23It had special thick metal hoops to prevent it from splitting.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26- I called it The Lion. - At least you didn't call it James.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28I was dying to see the Lion in action
0:13:28 > 0:13:31so I had it taken up to the castle walls.
0:13:31 > 0:13:32Ye-es?
0:13:32 > 0:13:34My men warned me to take cover.
0:13:34 > 0:13:38"Don't be ridiculous!" I said, "This is The Lion. It won't explode.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41"It's the greatest cannon in the world."
0:13:41 > 0:13:42A-and?
0:13:42 > 0:13:46The cannon exploded, my leg was shattered, I died of blood loss.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48HE LAUGHS
0:13:49 > 0:13:52The Lion bit you! Well, they do do that,
0:13:52 > 0:13:55don't they? They do do that! They do do that, don't they? They do!
0:13:55 > 0:13:57Ha-ha! Priceless.
0:13:57 > 0:14:00Well, James, you're through to the afterlife.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02- Thanks. That's great. - Ah, priceless.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04Ooh, don't forget your book.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07Oh, he doesn't want one. Rats.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09Could have sold another copy then.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11Oh, well. Next!
0:14:11 > 0:14:14# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths
0:14:14 > 0:14:17# Hope next time it's not yo-o-ou. #
0:14:17 > 0:14:23And James II wasn't the only medieval Scot to meet a grisly end.
0:14:23 > 0:14:29ROCK MUSIC
0:14:29 > 0:14:32# I am William Wallace my life was a mystery
0:14:32 > 0:14:35# Some say born 1273 Some say 1263
0:14:35 > 0:14:38# Was that Malcolm of Paisley Maybe Alan from Ayr
0:14:38 > 0:14:41# Did I have a wife or no Do you really care?
0:14:41 > 0:14:44# They said I had a big red beard but all you need to know
0:14:44 > 0:14:48# I was a Scottish rebel and the English were my foe
0:14:48 > 0:14:51# William Wallace Scottish rebel
0:14:51 > 0:14:54# This is war I cried
0:14:54 > 0:14:57# Many English fought me
0:14:57 > 0:15:00# And many English died
0:15:03 > 0:15:07# I took against the English back when I was fairly wee
0:15:07 > 0:15:10# Cos an Englishman called Selby bullied my whole family
0:15:10 > 0:15:13# It upset me so I struck him dead Well, wouldn't you?
0:15:13 > 0:15:16# An English sheriff came along Guess what, I killed him too
0:15:16 > 0:15:19# They say he killed my wife so he deserved what he got
0:15:19 > 0:15:23# Then England's King Ed came for me oh, I'm scared - not
0:15:23 > 0:15:26# William Wallace Scottish rebel
0:15:26 > 0:15:29# Possibly six-foot-seven
0:15:29 > 0:15:32# But all that really matters is
0:15:32 > 0:15:35# I send Englishmen to heaven
0:15:35 > 0:15:38# 40,000 English came to Stirling Bridge for me
0:15:38 > 0:15:41# They had to cross a narrow bridge To get to us you see
0:15:41 > 0:15:44# We held them off and pushed them back, it was no contest
0:15:44 > 0:15:48# Bridge collapsed, hundreds drown Of course I killed the rest
0:15:48 > 0:15:51# I celebrated Stirling Bridge Another Scottish win
0:15:51 > 0:15:54# By decorating my sword with the English general's skin
0:15:54 > 0:15:57# William Wallace Scottish rebel
0:15:57 > 0:16:00# Scottish legend too
0:16:00 > 0:16:03# Fought for Scottish freedom
0:16:03 > 0:16:07# Was a hero through and through
0:16:07 > 0:16:14ROCK GUITAR SOLO
0:16:14 > 0:16:17# Here's where my rebel story comes unstuck
0:16:17 > 0:16:20# At Falkirk defeated I'd run out of luck
0:16:20 > 0:16:25# Spent seven years playing hide and seek
0:16:25 > 0:16:27# Captured central London Tried for treason, what a cheek
0:16:27 > 0:16:31# King Ed hanged me then a lovely touch
0:16:31 > 0:16:35# Pulled my guts out Guess he didn't like me much
0:16:38 > 0:16:41Ye-e-e-eah!
0:16:41 > 0:16:44# William Wallace Scottish rebel
0:16:44 > 0:16:47# In Scotland my heart lived
0:16:47 > 0:16:50# Though sadly my head wound up
0:16:50 > 0:16:54# On a spike on London Bridge. #
0:16:54 > 0:16:57Oooh, that smarts!
0:17:02 > 0:17:06When Henry VIII died, his son Edward VI came to power,
0:17:06 > 0:17:10aged just nine. But he died only six years later
0:17:10 > 0:17:13and after that, it wasn't clear who would take the throne.
0:17:14 > 0:17:18Are you a Protestant? Are you vaguely related to Henry VIII?
0:17:18 > 0:17:20is your name Lady Jane Grey?
0:17:20 > 0:17:23Then you've won our star prize!
0:17:23 > 0:17:25You're going to experience what it's like
0:17:25 > 0:17:27- to be Queen for nine days.- Wow!
0:17:27 > 0:17:31That's nine whole days in charge of England.
0:17:31 > 0:17:34Here's what you get. Day one, we set you up in royal apartments
0:17:34 > 0:17:37at the Tower of London to await your coronation.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40Ooh, this is nice, I could get used to this.
0:17:40 > 0:17:41I don't think so.
0:17:41 > 0:17:46Day two, we throw in a crown for free. Go on, try it on for size.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48OK, what harm can it do?
0:17:48 > 0:17:50You'll find that out on day nine.
0:17:50 > 0:17:51- Sorry?- Nothing.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54Day three, it's coronation time.
0:17:54 > 0:17:57Now you're the Queen, you get to go out and meet your public.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00- They don't even know who you are. - We don't even know how she is.
0:18:00 > 0:18:03They were expecting a different person to be queen.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06- We were expecting a different person to be queen.- They smell of wee.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08We smell of...
0:18:08 > 0:18:11Ah, I see what you're trying to do there.
0:18:11 > 0:18:12Actually, we do.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15Day four, you send a letter to Henry VIII's daughter, Mary Tudor
0:18:15 > 0:18:20- asking her to recognise you as queen.- Fingers crossed!
0:18:20 > 0:18:22Day five, you get Mary's reply.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25What does it say?
0:18:23 > 0:18:25- Bog off.- What?
0:18:25 > 0:18:26Well, that's the gist of it.
0:18:26 > 0:18:30Day six, relax and take in the luxurious surroundings,
0:18:30 > 0:18:33while Mary Tudor amasses an army to have you removed from power.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35What?!
0:18:35 > 0:18:39Day seven, relax and take in the luxurious surroundings.
0:18:39 > 0:18:42- Like I could be any less relaxed! - Ma'am,
0:18:42 > 0:18:45our armies have been defeated in Cambridge by Mary Tudor.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48she says she's the Queen now and she's marching on London.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50OK, so now I'm less relaxed.
0:18:50 > 0:18:54Day eight, relax and take in the luxurious surroundings.
0:18:54 > 0:18:55Enough of this relaxing nonsense, OK?
0:18:55 > 0:18:58I'll have you know, I'm so stressed
0:18:58 > 0:19:00my skin is peeling off.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02Oh, yuck! That's not very regal, is it?
0:19:02 > 0:19:05And day nine, relax and...
0:19:05 > 0:19:08Oh, all right, panic as the people support Mary Tudor
0:19:08 > 0:19:11as their rightful queen and all your supporters desert you
0:19:11 > 0:19:13to save their own skins.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15Too late for yours, it's all peeled off anyway.
0:19:15 > 0:19:18- Well, this can't get any worse. - Yes, it can.
0:19:18 > 0:19:21And this fantastic offer ends in true Tudor style,
0:19:21 > 0:19:22with a visit to the executioner.
0:19:22 > 0:19:25I never wanted to be queen in the first place.
0:19:25 > 0:19:26With queen for nine days,
0:19:26 > 0:19:31the shortest reign in history is yours, whether you want it or not.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34Warning, limited to nine days only. Offer expires in 1553.
0:19:36 > 0:19:41That's right, Lady Jane Grey was queen for just nine days.
0:19:41 > 0:19:46After which Mary I was queen for five years and 121 days.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48Followed by Elizabeth I,
0:19:48 > 0:19:53who reigned for an impressive 44 years and 127 days,
0:19:53 > 0:19:58making her the longest-reigning Tudor queen by miles and miles.
0:19:58 > 0:20:02And miles were very confusing in Tudor times.
0:20:05 > 0:20:09- Are we there yet? - Alas not, your majesty.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11Are we there yet?
0:20:11 > 0:20:12Alas not, your majesty.
0:20:12 > 0:20:15- But I'm bored.- Indeed, your majesty.
0:20:15 > 0:20:18Sadly, the journey from York to London
0:20:18 > 0:20:19is many, many English miles
0:20:19 > 0:20:23- and, well, we've only just set off. - London miles.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26- Excuse me?- Well, since we are heading to London,
0:20:26 > 0:20:29surely her majesty would like the distance in London miles?
0:20:29 > 0:20:31What's the difference?
0:20:31 > 0:20:35Well, the English mile is a rather confusing 6,610 yards,
0:20:35 > 0:20:40whereas the more refined London mile is a nice, round 5,000 yards.
0:20:40 > 0:20:45Of course both are vastly preferable to the rather stingy Irish mile.
0:20:45 > 0:20:48A mere 2,240 yards.
0:20:48 > 0:20:50Why not use a good Welsh old mile?
0:20:50 > 0:20:52it's a whopping 7,900 yards, no?
0:20:52 > 0:20:56It means fewer miles overall, makes the journey seem a lot shorter.
0:20:56 > 0:20:59I remember I did a walking trip in Scottish miles once.
0:20:59 > 0:21:03- 1,976 yards.- Indeed.
0:21:03 > 0:21:04It seemed to go on forever.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07They were all like, "Oh, it's only a few more miles."
0:21:07 > 0:21:09And I was like, "Is that English miles, London miles,
0:21:09 > 0:21:12"Welsh miles or Irish miles?" And they were like,
0:21:12 > 0:21:14"Well, depends if you mean London yards,
0:21:14 > 0:21:15Welsh yards, Scottish yards...
0:21:15 > 0:21:16SHE SCREAMS
0:21:16 > 0:21:20From now on, there will just be one mile for everyone.
0:21:20 > 0:21:23- Pick a number between one and ten. - Er, one.
0:21:23 > 0:21:24- Seven.- Six.
0:21:24 > 0:21:31Right. From now on, one mile will be 1,760 yards.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36- Is that...?- English yards! Normal English yards. Understood?
0:21:36 > 0:21:41- ALL: Yes, your majesty.- Right, now,
0:21:41 > 0:21:44how many miles is it to London?
0:21:44 > 0:21:47ALL SPEAK OVER EACH OTHER
0:21:47 > 0:21:49And you wonder why I cut so many heads off!
0:21:52 > 0:21:53Are we there yet?
0:21:53 > 0:21:56Alas not, your majesty.
0:22:05 > 0:22:09Hello and welcome to The News At When. When? 1789,
0:22:09 > 0:22:12when the people of France decided that King Louis XVI
0:22:12 > 0:22:16and his rich friends had been living the high life at their expense
0:22:16 > 0:22:18for long enough and that it was time for common people
0:22:18 > 0:22:21to run the country. Here with more details is Bob Hail
0:22:21 > 0:22:24with the French revolution report. Bob.
0:22:24 > 0:22:26Thank you, Sam. Well, sacre bleu me,
0:22:26 > 0:22:29if that isn't France, which it is, if it's not the 1780,
0:22:29 > 0:22:32which it is, and if that right there isn't a very angry Frenchman,
0:22:32 > 0:22:34And he's got every right to be, because back then,
0:22:34 > 0:22:37France was a country of le haves and le have-nots.
0:22:37 > 0:22:41The posh people had fine food, fancy clothes, palaces, helicopters,
0:22:41 > 0:22:44while the poor didn't even have the bread on their table.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47But how can the... What? I don't think I did say helicopters.
0:22:47 > 0:22:50But how do these poshos afford all that stuff, I hear you ask?
0:22:50 > 0:22:54By taking money from poor taxpayers, like our friend here,
0:22:54 > 0:22:56and borrowing more money from other countries.
0:22:56 > 0:23:00Which means that, by 1789, France is riddled with debt
0:23:00 > 0:23:02and most French people are penniless and hungrier
0:23:02 > 0:23:04than an alligator on the moon.
0:23:04 > 0:23:07All while King Louis XVI and his chums are living it up, big stylee.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09Terrible, but that's just the way things are.
0:23:09 > 0:23:11Not a lot you can do about it, right?
0:23:11 > 0:23:12Wrong!
0:23:12 > 0:23:15The commoners hatch a plan to remove the king
0:23:15 > 0:23:18and run the country themselves, which signals the start of the one and only,
0:23:18 > 0:23:22the world famous, ladies and gentlemen, it's the French Revolution.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24Vive le revolution!
0:23:24 > 0:23:26Sorry, I get a bit carried away.
0:23:26 > 0:23:29The revolutionaries don't hang around. They storm the Bastille,
0:23:29 > 0:23:32a famous fortress in Paris, partly to show the king
0:23:32 > 0:23:35who's boss and partly to steal a load of explosives.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37EXPLOSION
0:23:37 > 0:23:41Well, that's angry mobs for you. So King Louis, fearing for his life,
0:23:41 > 0:23:45dresses up as a Russian aristocrat's butler - bit weird - and runs off to hide up here in a place
0:23:45 > 0:23:48called something or other. A cunning plan that works this much.
0:23:48 > 0:23:53Yep, not at all. The King's captured, brought back to Paris and told he's not in charge.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56He keeps the Crown, but loses most of his power, influence
0:23:56 > 0:24:00and helicopters and that's... What? I didn't say helicopters!
0:24:00 > 0:24:02Things go from bad to worse for King Louis.
0:24:02 > 0:24:06In 1792, France declares war on Austria, a neighbouring country
0:24:06 > 0:24:08who want the revolutionaries out and the King back in
0:24:08 > 0:24:11They say if the King isn't put back in,
0:24:11 > 0:24:14they'll start doing some pretty horrible things
0:24:14 > 0:24:17to the French people. A very clever tactic that works this much.
0:24:17 > 0:24:18Yep, not at all.
0:24:18 > 0:24:21Turns out the Revolutionaries hate being told what to do.
0:24:21 > 0:24:24They ignore the threat, accuse the King of plotting with Austria
0:24:24 > 0:24:26and cut his head off. They cut his wife's head off.
0:24:26 > 0:24:31Then they just get a bit carried away, cutting heads off left, right and centre,
0:24:31 > 0:24:33declaring anyone who doesn't agree
0:24:33 > 0:24:37with all they say as an enemy of the revolution. A crime punishable by - yes, you've guessed it -
0:24:37 > 0:24:41having your head cut off. In fact, if we look at the head-cutting-off-ometer
0:24:41 > 0:24:44we can see that somewhere between 16 and 40,000 heads
0:24:44 > 0:24:46were cut off in just two years.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48So many in fact, that they not only broke our thingy
0:24:48 > 0:24:51but they had to invent a new head-cutting-off thingy, the guillotine.
0:24:51 > 0:24:55So at that time, it was all, "Cut his head off! Cut her head off!"
0:24:55 > 0:24:57"Cut his head off! Cut her head off!" Finally,
0:24:57 > 0:25:01after five years and lots of heads being cut off, the people of France
0:25:01 > 0:25:03said, "Stop cutting people's heads off!"
0:25:03 > 0:25:07And they took the man responsible for most of the heads, Maximilien Robespierre
0:25:07 > 0:25:11and they cut his head off. That's the end of the French Revolution,
0:25:11 > 0:25:14the end of French royalty and if I don't get a tea and biscuit
0:25:14 > 0:25:17in the next three seconds, it might well be the end of Old Bobsy.
0:25:17 > 0:25:20Oh, thank you so much. Thank you.
0:25:20 > 0:25:23Ah, that feels so much better! You know,
0:25:23 > 0:25:25now I think of it, I did say helicopter, didn't I?
0:25:25 > 0:25:27I think I just need a holiday.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29Sam, couple of weeks in the Maldives?
0:25:32 > 0:25:34One of the young officers to make his name
0:25:34 > 0:25:38under the new French regime was a certain Napoleon Bonaparte,
0:25:38 > 0:25:43and in 1797, he sent an army to invade Wales
0:25:43 > 0:25:46because there were no British regiments there to defend it.
0:25:46 > 0:25:50Let's join Mike Peabody in Fishguard to find out more.
0:25:50 > 0:25:54I'm here with one of the 1,400 French force,
0:25:54 > 0:25:57known as La Legion Noire, the Black Legion.
0:25:57 > 0:26:01Napoleon picked you for this invasion, you must be the very best.
0:26:01 > 0:26:03Ah, non, non. Ze very worst.
0:26:03 > 0:26:06No, ze best are busy fighting in Europe.
0:26:06 > 0:26:08La Legion Noire is made up of convicts
0:26:08 > 0:26:12who are given the option of fighting or rotting in jail.
0:26:12 > 0:26:16Shh! Pardon, excuse moi, We had a little party last night,
0:26:16 > 0:26:17lots of food, lots of wine...
0:26:17 > 0:26:20- Shh!- They are sleeping it off.
0:26:20 > 0:26:24But shouldn't you be preparing for battle? I mean,
0:26:24 > 0:26:26the English could repel your invasion at any moment.
0:26:26 > 0:26:29Non, I tell you we are completely safe.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32My spies tell me there are no British forces for a hundred miles
0:26:32 > 0:26:34and I will stake my reputation on zat.
0:26:34 > 0:26:38Sir, I think ze British army are coming over ze hill.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42There goes my reputation.
0:26:42 > 0:26:46OK, then. All right. Allez, allez, allez!
0:26:46 > 0:26:48Come, this is ze moment we have trained for!
0:26:48 > 0:26:51They are upon us. On my orders,
0:26:51 > 0:26:52surrender!
0:26:54 > 0:26:56I think it's just women, though.
0:26:56 > 0:27:00Are you sure, they are dressed in red. You can never be too careful.
0:27:00 > 0:27:03- Why've they got their hands up? - They're surrendering.
0:27:03 > 0:27:06Surrendering to us? Why, we just came down to the beach
0:27:06 > 0:27:10- to see what Frenchmen look like. - I think it's your red jackets.
0:27:10 > 0:27:11From a distance,
0:27:11 > 0:27:14your jackets make you look a bit like the British army.
0:27:14 > 0:27:17Well, this is just traditional women's dress in Wales.
0:27:17 > 0:27:19I'd keep that under your hats, if I were you,
0:27:19 > 0:27:22- at least until you've tied them up. - Oh, good thinking!
0:27:22 > 0:27:24Come on girls, let's get these men tied up.
0:27:24 > 0:27:28So there we have it. the very last invasion of Britain,
0:27:28 > 0:27:32defeated by a few Welsh lady sightseers.
0:27:32 > 0:27:36This is Mike Peabody, live from Fishguard for HHTV News,
0:27:36 > 0:27:38back to you in the studio, Sam.
0:27:38 > 0:27:42- Bonjour, mama!- Sorry, can you not do that waving, please?
0:27:44 > 0:27:45Very irritating.
0:27:45 > 0:27:47# Tall tales, atrocious acts we gave you all the fearsome facts... #
0:27:47 > 0:27:51Want some more Horrible Histories? Then come with me
0:27:51 > 0:27:54down the time sewers. Just go to the CBBC website,
0:27:54 > 0:27:57and click on Horrible Histories, see you down there.
0:27:57 > 0:27:59Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:27:59 > 0:28:02E-mail: subtitling@bbc.co.uk