0:00:02 > 0:00:04# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians
0:00:04 > 0:00:07# Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights
0:00:07 > 0:00:09# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians
0:00:09 > 0:00:12# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times
0:00:12 > 0:00:15# Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless
0:00:15 > 0:00:18# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages
0:00:18 > 0:00:23# Gory stories, we do that And your host, a talking rat
0:00:23 > 0:00:27# The past is no longer a mystery Welcome to...
0:00:27 > 0:00:31# Horrible Histories. #
0:00:37 > 0:00:40The English Civil War pitted the Royalist supporters
0:00:40 > 0:00:43of the King against the Roundhead supporters of Parliament.
0:00:43 > 0:00:47Everyone took sides, even highwaymen, like James Hind.
0:00:48 > 0:00:51I don't know why we can't take the main road. It's making me nervous.
0:00:51 > 0:00:54It's quicker this way on foot, isn't it?
0:00:54 > 0:00:57Look, you don't need to worry, it's perfectly safe.
0:00:57 > 0:01:00- Stand and deliver, your money or your life!- Take my wedding ring.
0:01:00 > 0:01:03- Hang on, let's not get ahead of ourselves.- What?
0:01:03 > 0:01:06Before the robbery, there's a few questions I need to ask.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09Are you, or have you ever, been a Parliamentarian
0:01:09 > 0:01:11or in any other way opposed to King Charles?
0:01:11 > 0:01:14- Absolutely not.- No, we're Royalists. - Oh, good.
0:01:14 > 0:01:16Something of a Royalist myself.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18- Really?- Small world. - Yeah, isn't it?
0:01:18 > 0:01:22Would you consider yourself to be enjoying good fortunes,
0:01:22 > 0:01:25suffering bad fortunes, or don't know?
0:01:25 > 0:01:27My entire estate has just been taken over by Roundheads,
0:01:27 > 0:01:31half of my family killed and my carriage burnt to the ground.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34Bad fortunes, then. Honestly, it's terrible here, all this crime.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37Oh, last but not least, would you say you were really rich,
0:01:37 > 0:01:39a bit rich, quite poor or very poor?
0:01:39 > 0:01:44Well, this is my last sixpence.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46Very poor, righto!
0:01:46 > 0:01:48To summarise, you're down on your luck
0:01:48 > 0:01:50and you don't have any money.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52So then, I guess there's only one thing for it.
0:01:52 > 0:01:53Oh!
0:01:53 > 0:01:55Here's a bag of gold coins
0:01:55 > 0:01:56to tide you over.
0:01:56 > 0:02:00S-sorry, it's just traditionally, in my experience,
0:02:00 > 0:02:02- robberies don't work this way.- No.
0:02:02 > 0:02:06If you were a Parliamentarian, it'd be a very different story indeed,
0:02:06 > 0:02:09but I've got a bit of a soft spot for fellow Royalists,
0:02:09 > 0:02:11especially if they're having a hard time. So come on, fill your boots.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13Thank you.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15Thank you.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17No problem.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20Well, suppose I better shoot, so to speak.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23See what I did then? Yeah, well mind how you go now.
0:02:23 > 0:02:27- Well, he seemed nice. - Absolutely charming.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29Stand and deliver, your money or your life.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31No, thank you, we're Royalists.
0:02:34 > 0:02:35HE LAUGHS
0:02:35 > 0:02:39That's right, James Hind was a Royalist highwayman
0:02:39 > 0:02:42who stole from the supporters of Parliament,
0:02:42 > 0:02:44and eventually was killed by them too.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46So he didn't survive to see the crowning
0:02:46 > 0:02:49of the next King Charles II, but if he had,
0:02:49 > 0:02:52I bet he would have wanted a souvenir.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54- When he comes, you do the talking. - I'll just start.
0:02:54 > 0:02:55I'll pick it up from there.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58He's coming, he's coming.
0:02:58 > 0:02:59I simply can't wait to see
0:02:59 > 0:03:02what you've made to celebrate my coronation.
0:03:02 > 0:03:06- Aye, you will not be disappointed. - Ooh, what is it?
0:03:06 > 0:03:12An oil painting of me by world renowned Dutch artist Rembrandt.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15- It's better than that, Your Majesty. - Ooh!
0:03:15 > 0:03:17Is it an image of me
0:03:17 > 0:03:20in a massive new stained glass window in Westminster Abbey?
0:03:20 > 0:03:23- Even better!- Oh, you haven't?!
0:03:23 > 0:03:29It's a diamond and ruby encrusted solid gold statue of me.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31- I love it, show me!- Ta-dah!
0:03:33 > 0:03:36It is the first ever royal coronation mug, Your Majesty.
0:03:36 > 0:03:37A mug?!
0:03:37 > 0:03:41A mug of your mug.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43A mug with my face on it?
0:03:43 > 0:03:45Indeed.
0:03:47 > 0:03:48MUG SHATTERS
0:03:48 > 0:03:50Oh, dear!
0:03:50 > 0:03:52There appears to have been an accident.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01- That went well.- No.
0:04:11 > 0:04:15Hiya, fashion fans, and welcome to Historical Fashion Fix.
0:04:15 > 0:04:19This week, I'll be making over a Middle Ages peasant
0:04:19 > 0:04:21- and here he is, Gilbert.- Hi.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23Oh, stop filming, stop filming!
0:04:23 > 0:04:27- It smells like a blocked drain in here.- That might be me, sorry.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30Oh, Gilbert, my love. Do you never wash your clothes?
0:04:30 > 0:04:32Oh, no. My lovely wife, Pat,
0:04:32 > 0:04:34- she washes them in the best stuff. - What's that?
0:04:34 > 0:04:36Old wee.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41Smelling salts for the star and a skinny mocha!
0:04:41 > 0:04:42Can I get one of those?
0:04:44 > 0:04:49Right, Gilbert, let's see if we can't turn you into a Middle Ages noble.
0:04:49 > 0:04:52But first things first, let's get you cleaned up, darling.
0:04:55 > 0:04:59- Well, that is so much better. - Feels better, Lee.- Great!
0:04:59 > 0:05:02Er, only, is this all I get?
0:05:02 > 0:05:05- Because I feel a little exposed. - Of course not.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07You'll be wearing a tunic too.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11Tunic's a bit short.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14Short tunics are the very latest Middle Ages fashion.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16And these shoes?
0:05:16 > 0:05:19They're called poulaines, as they originated in Poland.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21They're the very latest thing.
0:05:21 > 0:05:25- Quite hard to walk in. If I... Oh! - You OK?
0:05:25 > 0:05:28- Yeah.- You all right? - Yeah, I'm all right.
0:05:28 > 0:05:32We'll fix the... Can we get the shoes fixed? We'll get the shoes fixed.
0:05:33 > 0:05:37A chain fastens the point of the shoe to the knee,
0:05:37 > 0:05:40tres chic and no more tripping.
0:05:40 > 0:05:45Let's remind ourselves just how disgusting Gilbert looked before.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50Wow, that is a vast improvement.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53I know it sounds cheesy, but I'm going to say it anyway,
0:05:53 > 0:05:55I don't just look like a Middle Ages nobleman,
0:05:55 > 0:05:59I feel like a Middle Ages nobleman. Thanks, Lee.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02- Come here, peasant! I'm arresting you.- What for?
0:06:02 > 0:06:05- That outfit, it's criminal! - Oh, that's weak.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07- It- IS- criminal. Only nobleman are allowed to wear
0:06:07 > 0:06:09- fine clothes in the Middle Ages. - What?
0:06:09 > 0:06:12- Come along, princess. - Did you know about this?- Come here!
0:06:12 > 0:06:15- Why didn't you say?- I didn't know. Stop being so hideous!
0:06:15 > 0:06:17Well, that's it for this week.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19Join us next time when I'll be teaching a Roman slave
0:06:19 > 0:06:23how to look fierce in fur, by being swallowed by a lion.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25See you then.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28It's true! In the Middle Ages,
0:06:28 > 0:06:31us peasants could be arrested for wearing fine clothes. It's not fair.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34And some of the jobs we had to do were pretty measly, too.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38- Morning, Mick.- Geoff.
0:06:38 > 0:06:41Can't help but notice you're stood in the middle of a pond, Geoff.
0:06:41 > 0:06:45- Oh, yeah. I've got a new job, haven't I?- Oh, right?
0:06:45 > 0:06:48- Duck inspector? Scare toad?- No, no.
0:06:48 > 0:06:49I'm a leech collector.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51- Oh, right?- Yeah.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53The medical profession use leeches
0:06:53 > 0:06:56for everything these days. There's money to be made
0:06:56 > 0:06:59from collecting the leeches, selling them to the doctors.
0:06:59 > 0:07:00I suppose there is.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02So what are you using as bait, then?
0:07:02 > 0:07:06- All sorts of things. I tell you what they really love.- What?
0:07:06 > 0:07:09Me! Oh! Oh, that hurts! Like a thousand tiny needles
0:07:09 > 0:07:11in a single inch of flesh!
0:07:11 > 0:07:15- And voila! One leech. Easy, really. - Ah.
0:07:15 > 0:07:19- You enjoy this line of work then, do you?- Ah, you know, mustn't grumble.
0:07:19 > 0:07:23Ow! Oh, that hurts so bad! It's more than a man can endure!
0:07:23 > 0:07:27There's another one. Yeah, you know, can't complain.
0:07:27 > 0:07:32Oh! Oh, that stings like crazy. Oh, for the love of what's good and pure!
0:07:34 > 0:07:37- It got away. - Well, I've got to say, Geoff,
0:07:37 > 0:07:39it looks like it SUCKS!
0:07:39 > 0:07:41HE LAUGHS
0:07:43 > 0:07:45Not sure I quite get that one, Mick.
0:07:45 > 0:07:50Oh! Ow! Come on, boys, one at a time.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52Oh, and that's not sporting!
0:07:53 > 0:07:54That's right,
0:07:54 > 0:07:57slimy leeches were used for medical cures in the Middle Ages.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59Wouldn't happen nowadays, right?
0:07:59 > 0:08:02Wrong! Some modern hospitals still use
0:08:02 > 0:08:05the little bloodsuckers for cleaning out infected wounds. Huh!
0:08:05 > 0:08:09If only there was a market for fleas, I'd be a millionaire.
0:08:09 > 0:08:11Oh, easy boys.
0:08:24 > 0:08:28Freeze! DI Bones, Historical Crime Squad.
0:08:28 > 0:08:32Oh, Detective, thank goodness you're here!
0:08:32 > 0:08:36I am the Emperor Caligula and I've been scared out of my wits.
0:08:36 > 0:08:39No need to worry, Emperor. Leave this to the professionals.
0:08:40 > 0:08:41Victim is male.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43Severe mutilations.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46I'll soon get my hands on the animal who tortured and killed this man.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49Oh, him? Oh, don't worry, that was me.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51That's just a friend that I got bored of.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54- Now, let me tell you about this crime.- No need to,
0:08:54 > 0:08:57I can see for myself.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00Ah! Victim has had his hands chopped off
0:09:00 > 0:09:02and a sign put about his neck,
0:09:02 > 0:09:05encouraging people to laugh and jeer.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07What kind of madman would do this?
0:09:07 > 0:09:09Yep, that'll be me again!
0:09:09 > 0:09:13- You did it?- Such a fun party. Now, about this crime.
0:09:13 > 0:09:14Oh, mother!
0:09:14 > 0:09:18What kind of sick-minded madman would attack a priest with a hammer?
0:09:18 > 0:09:21Mm, you're really not getting the hang of this, are you?
0:09:21 > 0:09:22That was me, too.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25He was trying to sacrifice a bull,
0:09:25 > 0:09:27but he gave me the hammer, to do the honours
0:09:27 > 0:09:29and then I hit him with it instead!
0:09:29 > 0:09:30HE GIGGLES
0:09:30 > 0:09:32Priceless!
0:09:32 > 0:09:34All these bodies were me.
0:09:34 > 0:09:38So, why exactly did you call me here?
0:09:38 > 0:09:42I think someone's trying to kill me.
0:09:42 > 0:09:43- You don't say.- Mm.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46Believe it or not, I think there's one or two people out there
0:09:46 > 0:09:51who, for some unknown reason, don't seem to like me.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53One or two?
0:09:53 > 0:09:56I imagine half the empire would like to see you dead.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58Really? You think so?
0:09:58 > 0:10:03Well, in which case I'd better bump off anyone acting suspiciously.
0:10:03 > 0:10:07Victims were all killed by one paranoid
0:10:07 > 0:10:09and clearly psychotic Roman emperor.
0:10:09 > 0:10:15Mm. Talking into a small box? Talk about acting suspiciously.
0:10:15 > 0:10:19What do you think, Whackus Bonkus?
0:10:19 > 0:10:21"Kill him!" Ooh!
0:10:21 > 0:10:23You naughty Whackus Bonkus!
0:10:23 > 0:10:24What a good idea.
0:10:24 > 0:10:25HE GIGGLES
0:10:25 > 0:10:28Er, detective?
0:10:28 > 0:10:31That Emperor Caligula really did have criminals killed
0:10:31 > 0:10:33at his dinner parties for fun,
0:10:33 > 0:10:36and that wasn't the only way lawbreakers could come
0:10:36 > 0:10:38to a sticky end in Roman times.
0:10:39 > 0:10:43Global Gladiator Entertainment presents Arena Fighter.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45You are a Noxius,
0:10:45 > 0:10:48a Roman criminal condemned to fight in the Roman arena.
0:10:48 > 0:10:53Player one, select opponent. Gaius the Gladiator selected.
0:10:53 > 0:10:54Woah, woah, woah. Time out.
0:10:54 > 0:10:58Listen, I know I'm just a criminal and that, but I can't fight
0:10:58 > 0:11:01a highly-trained, heavily-armed professional gladiator,
0:11:01 > 0:11:05you know? I mean, it's just not fair.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07Can you select someone else, please?
0:11:07 > 0:11:09Player one, select new opponent.
0:11:09 > 0:11:12Cheers. Thanks. Much appreciated.
0:11:12 > 0:11:13Brutus the Bear selected.
0:11:13 > 0:11:14BEAR GROWLS
0:11:14 > 0:11:15Seriously?
0:11:15 > 0:11:18How is that any better, huh?
0:11:18 > 0:11:20He's going to tear me to pieces.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23Can you not select a player that's a bit more in my league?
0:11:23 > 0:11:25Player one, select new opponent.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27Unarmed Noxius selected.
0:11:27 > 0:11:31An unarmed criminal? Now you're talking!
0:11:31 > 0:11:33Fight begins.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35Urgh! Ooh!
0:11:35 > 0:11:38Aarrgh!
0:11:38 > 0:11:40Yes! Get in!
0:11:40 > 0:11:44Player one wins. Play again.
0:11:44 > 0:11:45No, thanks. I'll pass.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48You have to play again. It's winner stays on.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50Player one, select new opponent.
0:11:50 > 0:11:54- Noxius selected.- Another Noxius?
0:11:54 > 0:11:55I could kill these idiots all day.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59Hang on, where's my weapon gone?
0:11:59 > 0:12:03It's winner stays on, only without the weapons.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05Arena Fighter. How long can you survive?
0:12:05 > 0:12:07About 30 seconds, I reckon.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10No, no, no...
0:12:10 > 0:12:13Pow! Jab! Oh, hello. You're there.
0:12:13 > 0:12:17Fights in the Roman arena were hugely popular spectator sports,
0:12:17 > 0:12:19a bit like the football of their day,
0:12:19 > 0:12:22only with a lot more injury time.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25If you lost your fight and you were lying on the sand,
0:12:25 > 0:12:29not moving, two blokes were sent out dressed as Roman gods
0:12:29 > 0:12:31to make sure you were dead.
0:12:33 > 0:12:37Ave, Flavius. I see you're playing Mercury the Messenger God today.
0:12:37 > 0:12:41Ave, Marcus, or should I say Dis, God of the Dead?
0:12:41 > 0:12:44Ooh, I'm liking the new wings.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47I thank you. Yes, the old ones were getting a bit manky.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49I thought these made me look more godlike.
0:12:49 > 0:12:50CROWD CHEERING
0:12:50 > 0:12:51Ooh,
0:12:51 > 0:12:54- looks like you're on. - Back in a tick.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57I am Mercury, Messenger God.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59HEAVY BLOWS
0:13:00 > 0:13:03- Is he dead?- I think so, yeah.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05Put my red hot poker in and he didn't make a sound.
0:13:05 > 0:13:07Well, better make sure.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09Oh, by the way you got a little...
0:13:09 > 0:13:12- Oh.- On your cheek.- Oh, right.
0:13:13 > 0:13:18I am Dis, God of the Dead, come to claim this man.
0:13:18 > 0:13:19HEAVY BLOW
0:13:19 > 0:13:20CHEERING
0:13:21 > 0:13:23Well, if he wasn't dead then, he sure is now.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25THEY LAUGH
0:13:25 > 0:13:28- Ooh, you've got a bit of, um...- Eh? - On your ear.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30Oh, right.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32- Have I got it?- Not quite, no.
0:13:32 > 0:13:33CHEERING
0:13:33 > 0:13:36- Oh, you're on again.- Busy day.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40I am Mercury, Messenger God.
0:13:40 > 0:13:41SIZZLING
0:13:41 > 0:13:43Aarrgh!
0:13:43 > 0:13:44Not dead then?
0:13:44 > 0:13:47Not quite and he didn't like the red hot poker very much.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49I think you've got a little bit of, er,
0:13:49 > 0:13:51- sword.- Ah.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53Might have to take tomorrow off.
0:14:09 > 0:14:12The answer is
0:14:12 > 0:14:13C, four years old.
0:14:18 > 0:14:24It really could be hard work being a child in Victorian times.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32# In good old Queen Victoria's day
0:14:32 > 0:14:35# Industrial revolution
0:14:35 > 0:14:38# Meant bosses said please we need more employees
0:14:38 > 0:14:41# We needed a solution.
0:14:41 > 0:14:47# Who will climb our chimneys? Who will power our grids?
0:14:47 > 0:14:50# Victorian families so desperately poor
0:14:50 > 0:14:56# They'll let us employ their kids for...
0:14:56 > 0:14:59# Work, terrible work
0:14:59 > 0:15:01# From very young ages
0:15:01 > 0:15:03# Up chimneys to clean
0:15:03 > 0:15:06# Paid pitiful wages
0:15:06 > 0:15:08# Work, terrible work
0:15:08 > 0:15:10# Pins make you work faster
0:15:10 > 0:15:13# If we grew too big
0:15:13 > 0:15:15# Get sacked by the master
0:15:22 > 0:15:24# Now you're all in my employ
0:15:24 > 0:15:27# Cleaning in the factory
0:15:27 > 0:15:30- # We're not very strong - And the hours are long
0:15:30 > 0:15:33# This work is unsatisfactory
0:15:33 > 0:15:37# Dare not to get caught in spokes
0:15:37 > 0:15:39# Or trap our hands in gauges
0:15:39 > 0:15:42# To stop machines and get you out
0:15:42 > 0:15:46# Will cost you a week's wages
0:15:48 > 0:15:50# Work, terrible work
0:15:50 > 0:15:53# There's no health or safety
0:15:53 > 0:15:55# So if we get hurt
0:15:55 > 0:15:58# They will just replace me
0:15:58 > 0:16:00# Work, terrible work. #
0:16:02 > 0:16:04Sorry.
0:16:04 > 0:16:05WHISTLES
0:16:07 > 0:16:12# Now that I am short of cash I have to pick pockets
0:16:12 > 0:16:17# Wallets from gentlemen and ladies lockets
0:16:17 > 0:16:22# Small enough to get away hardly ever caught
0:16:22 > 0:16:26# And if we are, we're kids, you see to cry is what we're taught
0:16:26 > 0:16:27Boo hoo!
0:16:27 > 0:16:30# Work, terrible work
0:16:30 > 0:16:32# Dangerous and demeaning
0:16:32 > 0:16:35# No time to complain
0:16:35 > 0:16:37# Get back to your cleaning
0:16:37 > 0:16:39# Work, terrible work
0:16:39 > 0:16:41# Guess what we are dreaming?
0:16:41 > 0:16:44# School, glorious school
0:16:44 > 0:16:46# Wonderful school marvellous school
0:16:46 > 0:16:52# Wish we went to school. #
0:17:00 > 0:17:04Hello, I'm Dominic Duckworth and this is the age of chivalry.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07An age of gallant knights and fair play.
0:17:07 > 0:17:11Am I right? No! I'm absolutely wrong.
0:17:11 > 0:17:14Today on HHTV Investigates, I'll be lifting the lid
0:17:14 > 0:17:17on the corrupt rule-breaking that is changing the face
0:17:17 > 0:17:18of chivalric tournaments.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24One traumatised knight agreed to speak to me.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27Before the joust, there's a thing called the melee,
0:17:27 > 0:17:29where all of the knights have this big fight.
0:17:29 > 0:17:32There's only really one rule - try not to kill anybody.
0:17:32 > 0:17:36Anyway, there was this brute of a knight, Sir Henry Belvedere
0:17:36 > 0:17:38- and he, um...- Go on.
0:17:38 > 0:17:42- He tried to kill me.- What evidence do you have?- Well,
0:17:42 > 0:17:44he did this. Ah! Ah!
0:17:44 > 0:17:48This is the safe area, where during the melee,
0:17:48 > 0:17:51knights can take a time-out without fear of being attacked.
0:17:51 > 0:17:52Oh, sorry.
0:17:53 > 0:17:58Now, the safe area is indeed an area that is safe. Am I right?
0:17:58 > 0:18:01No, I'm absolutely wrong. This is exactly where Sir Henry
0:18:01 > 0:18:04broke the "try-not-to-kill-anyone" rule.
0:18:04 > 0:18:07With corruption and law breaking rife in a once clean sport,
0:18:07 > 0:18:11it's time for Dom to go undercover.
0:18:11 > 0:18:16Right, so Brother Dom is ready for action. Got my bible cam,
0:18:16 > 0:18:19let's go and find Sir Henry, ask him some questions.
0:18:21 > 0:18:23Sir Henry,
0:18:23 > 0:18:27- Congratulations on winning the tournament.- Thank you, Brother
0:18:27 > 0:18:28I won this big fish.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30Bit weird, I know, but...
0:18:30 > 0:18:32I couldn't help noticing outside, your lance,
0:18:32 > 0:18:35- Bit longer than regulation, isn't it?- What?
0:18:35 > 0:18:38Easier for you to knock people off their horses.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41- What are you suggesting, Brother? - What about this saddle of yours?
0:18:41 > 0:18:44It screws into your armour to ensure you can't be
0:18:44 > 0:18:45knocked off your horse.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48You know, I don't like what you're insinuating.
0:18:48 > 0:18:51Back off, Sir Henry. knights aren't allowed to attack religious people,
0:18:51 > 0:18:54so you're not going to hit me, am I right?
0:18:54 > 0:18:56Ow, he hit me with a fish!
0:18:56 > 0:18:58That stinks!
0:18:58 > 0:19:00Oh, no!
0:19:02 > 0:19:05Next week, we'll be looking into the Middle Ages
0:19:05 > 0:19:07counterfeiting rackets that's rocking the world trade
0:19:07 > 0:19:09of holy relics.
0:19:09 > 0:19:13We'll be asking, "Is there really three heads of John the Baptist?"
0:19:13 > 0:19:16See you then. I need to go to hospital.
0:19:17 > 0:19:21It's true! Some knights really did cheat in tournaments.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24Another method was to get a gang of squires with wooden clubs
0:19:24 > 0:19:28to jump on their opponents on the way to a contest and beat him up.
0:19:28 > 0:19:29Think I'll stick to tiddlywinks.
0:19:29 > 0:19:32Even that might be better than what happened to these knights.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths
0:19:37 > 0:19:39# They're funny cos they're true.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42# Woo! Stupid deaths, stupid deaths,
0:19:42 > 0:19:45# Hope next time it's not you. # Hee-Hee!
0:19:45 > 0:19:48I'm thinking of getting my teeth done. Yeah.
0:19:48 > 0:19:52Oh, you have a spare set? Oh, you are a love. Let's talk later. Next!
0:19:52 > 0:19:55Ooh look, a boy band.
0:19:55 > 0:19:56And who might you be?
0:19:56 > 0:19:59We are the Knights Templar.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01Yes, I agree. It'll never work.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04You'll have to think of a new name. Barron Knights, perhaps?
0:20:04 > 0:20:08No, we are Knights Templar. Knights from the sacred Order of the Temple.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11The most skilled and feared Christian fighting units
0:20:11 > 0:20:12in the Crusades.
0:20:12 > 0:20:15What, feared because of your dreadful smell? Ah-woo-ah!
0:20:15 > 0:20:18- Yes, I think that might be me. - Yeah, that's him all right.
0:20:18 > 0:20:20- Don't be like that.- Well, you stink.
0:20:20 > 0:20:23Ooh, I sense a story here. Go on.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26Yes, we were doing a night-time raid on a Saracen camp.
0:20:26 > 0:20:30It was all going terribly well. We managed to sneak in unnoticed.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32The element of surprise was very much on our side.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35But as we were making our way through the tents,
0:20:35 > 0:20:37I tripped over a tent pole.
0:20:37 > 0:20:39Yes, and?
0:20:39 > 0:20:41- And fell headfirst into a hole. - Uh-huh?
0:20:41 > 0:20:45Which unfortunately turned out to be their toilet.
0:20:45 > 0:20:46Oh, hence the "Whoo!"
0:20:46 > 0:20:52Yes, I got stuck and drowned in the, um...
0:20:52 > 0:20:57You fell headfirst into a toilet and then you drowned!
0:20:57 > 0:20:58HE LAUGHS
0:20:58 > 0:20:59That is priceless!
0:20:59 > 0:21:02- And that's not all. - Ooh, goody! There's more.
0:21:02 > 0:21:05He made such a noise, he woke all the Saracens
0:21:05 > 0:21:08and they swiftly surrounded and killed the rest of us.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10- I said sorry about that. - Nincompoop!
0:21:10 > 0:21:12"Poop" being the operative word!
0:21:12 > 0:21:13Ha! All right!
0:21:13 > 0:21:17Well, guys, congratulations, you're through to the afterlife.
0:21:17 > 0:21:21Er, the showers are on the left just as you go in.
0:21:21 > 0:21:22After POO! Ha-ha!
0:21:22 > 0:21:24I love my job sometimes.
0:21:24 > 0:21:28No, you can't mentor them. You don't have the bands this year.
0:21:28 > 0:21:29Next!
0:21:29 > 0:21:31# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths
0:21:31 > 0:21:34# Hope next time it's not yo-o-ou! #
0:21:50 > 0:21:51HE BREAKS WIND
0:21:51 > 0:21:53Ooh.
0:21:57 > 0:22:01And we get the word Spartan, which means strict or disciplined,
0:22:01 > 0:22:03from us Spartans. Yeah.
0:22:03 > 0:22:07I don't care if you were hungry, you shouldn't have been stealing.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10Is Mrs J going to make me pay for it?
0:22:10 > 0:22:11It's not Mrs Jones, today.
0:22:11 > 0:22:15We have another of our substitute head teachers from the past.
0:22:15 > 0:22:18- Oh, no.- Mr Brasidas from Ancient Sparta will see you now.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23..get defensive about it,
0:22:23 > 0:22:27I'm simply telling you no-one wants kedgeree two days in a row.
0:22:27 > 0:22:28Sorry.
0:22:28 > 0:22:31Ah, I can see why you're in trouble straight away.
0:22:31 > 0:22:34A boy wearing shoes on his feet?
0:22:34 > 0:22:35Criminal!
0:22:35 > 0:22:36I shall have to beat you.
0:22:36 > 0:22:38Actually, Mr Brasidas,
0:22:38 > 0:22:40Lewis has been stealing.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42What? Stealing?
0:22:42 > 0:22:44Well done, lad!
0:22:44 > 0:22:47That's exactly the kind of thing we encourage at Spartan school.
0:22:47 > 0:22:51Maybe we'll forget about the whole shoe thing, shall we? Off you pop.
0:22:51 > 0:22:55I knew reducing the food portions would lead to behaviour like this.
0:22:55 > 0:22:58- Mr Brasidas, stealing is wrong. It should be punished.- Nonsense!
0:22:58 > 0:23:02It's a great lesson for any warrior - win by any means.
0:23:02 > 0:23:06We need to teach children to be sneaky in order to win battles.
0:23:06 > 0:23:10That's a relief. I thought I was in trouble when they caught me.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12What? Caught you?
0:23:12 > 0:23:16Stealing may not be frowned upon, but being caught stealing is.
0:23:16 > 0:23:20- Well, I shall have to beat you after all.- Actually, Mr Brasidas,
0:23:20 > 0:23:22you're not allowed to do this.
0:23:22 > 0:23:25It came up in a governor's meeting and it was a no-no.
0:23:25 > 0:23:28Completely ridiculous! Next thing, you'll be telling me
0:23:28 > 0:23:31I can't line up boys in front of a statue of Artemis
0:23:31 > 0:23:34and whip them till they drop, to find our who's strongest.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36I'm sure you can't do that, either.
0:23:36 > 0:23:39But we have a play at Christmas. Is that the same kind of thing?
0:23:39 > 0:23:41No, not really.
0:23:41 > 0:23:45No, I shall have to beat you. Prepare for your beating, boy.
0:23:45 > 0:23:48Now, where's my beating stick.
0:23:50 > 0:23:51Have you stolen it?
0:23:51 > 0:23:54No, sir! I'm hurt you'd even suggest it.
0:23:54 > 0:23:58There's hope for you yet. Off you go.
0:24:01 > 0:24:03Yes, it's true!
0:24:03 > 0:24:08Spartan boys were beaten, whipped, starved and bullied at school,
0:24:08 > 0:24:10which was great for turning out fearsome warriors.
0:24:10 > 0:24:14Probably not so good for turning out creative geniuses like me.
0:24:14 > 0:24:19Do you like it? It's my latest. I call it Homage To Fromage.
0:24:19 > 0:24:22I'm putting it on Fleabay with a reserve of 5p.
0:24:22 > 0:24:25What do you mean, too high? Ah!
0:24:38 > 0:24:40The prickling of the thistles supposedly gave them
0:24:40 > 0:24:43a feeling of warmth in the winter.
0:24:47 > 0:24:52In 1813, repair work was carried out on the royal tombs at Windsor
0:24:52 > 0:24:55and George IV was actually there when some of them were opened.
0:24:55 > 0:24:59Well, I suppose that's one way of getting to know your ancestors.
0:25:00 > 0:25:04King George IV is well known for his love of art, fashion,
0:25:04 > 0:25:07architecture, Catholic women and food.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09- Vast amounts of food. - I can hear you.
0:25:09 > 0:25:11I can hear you when you say that.
0:25:11 > 0:25:15But today, we aim to find out the truth about his past,
0:25:15 > 0:25:18tracing his family tree as we ask the question...
0:25:22 > 0:25:25We've enlisted the help
0:25:25 > 0:25:27of leading family historian Sir Francis Guesswork,
0:25:27 > 0:25:32who has come here to Windsor Castle to meet the King himself.
0:25:32 > 0:25:36Well, from the records I have found so far, birth certificates
0:25:36 > 0:25:40and that sort of thing, I think there's a very strong possibility
0:25:40 > 0:25:43that you are descended from royalty.
0:25:45 > 0:25:48Well, of course I'm descended from royalty.
0:25:48 > 0:25:49I'm King!
0:25:50 > 0:25:51Oh, so you knew?
0:25:51 > 0:25:54Well, my dad was King, my great-grandfather was King
0:25:54 > 0:25:57and his father was King, so, er, yeah, I had an inkling.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59Oh. Ah!
0:25:59 > 0:26:02But did you know that your great, great,
0:26:02 > 0:26:05- great uncle's father was also a king? - Yes!
0:26:05 > 0:26:08- King Charles I. Beheaded by the Puritans.- Right.
0:26:08 > 0:26:12Ah, but did you know that your great, great, great, great,
0:26:12 > 0:26:14- great, great, great... - Oh, this is boring!
0:26:14 > 0:26:17What are you doing? How am I meant to research your relatives
0:26:17 > 0:26:19without my notes?
0:26:19 > 0:26:22- Well, we can go and pay them a visit if you'd like.- How? They're dead.
0:26:22 > 0:26:25- The family tombs in a little chapel on the castle grounds.- Oh.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27Come on, let's have a look.
0:26:27 > 0:26:30In an unusual twist on what normally happens in this show,
0:26:30 > 0:26:33the King of England has taken our historian
0:26:33 > 0:26:36into St George's Chapel, to prod some of his dead relatives.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38It's all gone a bit weird, really.
0:26:38 > 0:26:39Here we are.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42- Who would you like to see first? - I don't want to see anyone.
0:26:42 > 0:26:46Oh, you big girl! Look, Henry VIII.
0:26:46 > 0:26:48Grrgh!
0:26:48 > 0:26:53Yes, he was a big lad, 6'3" or just under. Do you know how I know that?
0:26:53 > 0:26:57I got drunk and measured him.
0:26:57 > 0:26:58Right, who shall we look at next?
0:26:58 > 0:27:01I know! Charles I.
0:27:01 > 0:27:03I found his tomb the other day but I haven't opened it yet.
0:27:03 > 0:27:05I thought he was beheaded.
0:27:05 > 0:27:08No. They stitched his head back on and they buried him.
0:27:09 > 0:27:12Ooh, this one's sealed nice and tight.
0:27:12 > 0:27:15Eurrgh!
0:27:16 > 0:27:19There he is. There's old Charlie.
0:27:19 > 0:27:22- Well, he's very well preserved.- Well, it's a well-built tomb, you see,
0:27:22 > 0:27:24still had its airtight seal.
0:27:24 > 0:27:26- Fascinating(!)- Trouble is,
0:27:26 > 0:27:29the body disintegrates quickly once the air gets to it.
0:27:29 > 0:27:32you know, bones crumbling, skin cracking,
0:27:32 > 0:27:36- eyes popping.- Eyes popping?- Oh, yes. Yeah.
0:27:36 > 0:27:37POP!
0:27:37 > 0:27:40Urgh!
0:27:40 > 0:27:44Oh, I guess you could say that King Charles has got his EYE on you.
0:27:45 > 0:27:46HE RETCHES
0:27:46 > 0:27:47Oh...
0:27:49 > 0:27:53Honestly, some people have no respect for the dead.
0:27:53 > 0:27:54# Tall tales, atrocious acts.
0:27:54 > 0:27:56# We gave you all the fearsome facts... #
0:27:56 > 0:27:59Psst! Can you keep a secret? No, me neither.
0:27:59 > 0:28:02I've found some great games in the Time Sewers, want to come and play?
0:28:02 > 0:28:06Then just go to the CBBC website and click on Horrible Histories.
0:28:06 > 0:28:08See you there.
0:28:08 > 0:28:09Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:09 > 0:28:11E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk