0:00:02 > 0:00:03# Terrible Tudors Gorgeous Georgians
0:00:03 > 0:00:05# Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians
0:00:05 > 0:00:07# Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights
0:00:07 > 0:00:10# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians
0:00:10 > 0:00:13# Vicious vikings, cruel crimes # Punishments from ancient times
0:00:13 > 0:00:14# Romans rotten, rank and ruthless
0:00:14 > 0:00:16# Cavemen savage, fierce and toothless
0:00:16 > 0:00:18# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages # Mean and measly Middle Ages
0:00:18 > 0:00:20# Gory stories, we do that
0:00:20 > 0:00:23# And your host, a talking rat
0:00:23 > 0:00:27# The past is no longer a mystery Welcome to...
0:00:27 > 0:00:32# Horrible Histories. #
0:00:37 > 0:00:39If you were very rich in Tudor times
0:00:39 > 0:00:43then your diet tended to be, well, very rich.
0:00:44 > 0:00:47Would you like a body like this?
0:00:47 > 0:00:50I'll bet you would! Well, now you can
0:00:50 > 0:00:53thanks to the Henry VIII Tudor Diet Plan - out now!
0:00:53 > 0:00:55Just seven hours dedicated feasting a day
0:00:55 > 0:00:58and you too could have a body to die for.
0:00:58 > 0:01:015,000 calories a day, every day
0:01:01 > 0:01:03and 13 courses at every meal.
0:01:03 > 0:01:07With the Henry VIII Tudor Diet Plan, you get all of your five a day.
0:01:07 > 0:01:10That's five massive portions of meat!
0:01:10 > 0:01:13Ho-ho-ho! Of course, it's also important
0:01:13 > 0:01:15to consume the right amount of vegetables.
0:01:15 > 0:01:16That's none at all.
0:01:16 > 0:01:21Rarr! Rah! Vegetables are for peasants!
0:01:21 > 0:01:26Sometimes I get so hungry, I eat the plate. Mm!
0:01:26 > 0:01:30Obviously, it's not a real plate. This one's made of pure sugar. Mm!
0:01:32 > 0:01:34Water's important too.
0:01:34 > 0:01:36It's important that you avoid it like the plague.
0:01:36 > 0:01:41It's filthy! Seriously, Tudor water is filthy. Bleargh!
0:01:41 > 0:01:45And finally, it's vitally important you don't take any exercise at all.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48With all the rich food, you'll find it very difficult
0:01:48 > 0:01:50to move around. Just sit on your throne and take it easy.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52PARP!
0:01:52 > 0:01:55The Henry VIII Tudor Diet Plan, for weight watchers everywhere.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Just watch your weight go up and up!
0:02:01 > 0:02:05Posh Tudors believed uncooked vegetables were indigestible
0:02:05 > 0:02:08and carried disease. Huh, as if!
0:02:08 > 0:02:10Me, I always eat my greens.
0:02:10 > 0:02:14Well, green slugs and caterpillars anyway. They're yummy. Ha-ha!
0:02:14 > 0:02:18Henry's dreadful diet meant he got massively overweight
0:02:18 > 0:02:21and he suffered from gout and diabetes
0:02:21 > 0:02:24and you really didn't want to get sick in the Tudor era.
0:02:26 > 0:02:27Don't worry. Help's on its way.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29- BELL RINGING - I think that's probably them now.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32Make way! Make way!
0:02:32 > 0:02:35- Historical paramedics. - Look, Jeff, a lady.- I concur.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37- I'll take her pulse. - No, she might need it.
0:02:37 > 0:02:38BOTH: Ha-ha-ha!
0:02:38 > 0:02:41- I'm sorry, are you qualified? - Even better.
0:02:41 > 0:02:44- We're Tudors. What seems to be the problem?- I don't know.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46She didn't feel well in the supermarket.
0:02:46 > 0:02:48- Then she fainted. - Sounds like she's suffering from...
0:02:48 > 0:02:50- Sickness!- I concur.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52We must act fast. You, sir!
0:02:52 > 0:02:56- Are you a villain, a scoundrel, a rapscallion?- What?
0:02:56 > 0:03:00We urgently need a criminal. This woman's life may depend upon it.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03- Well, I stole a packet of biscuits once.- Ooh!
0:03:03 > 0:03:05Can we cut off your head, dry your skull
0:03:05 > 0:03:07and feed its powdered scrapings
0:03:07 > 0:03:08to this lady?
0:03:08 > 0:03:11Blast! He ran away before we could get an answer!
0:03:11 > 0:03:13We've no time to lose, shall we use spiders?
0:03:13 > 0:03:15- Yes!- Do you have any butter?
0:03:15 > 0:03:18Er, I have this low-fat cholesterol busting olive oil spread?
0:03:18 > 0:03:20Don't know what that means, but it'll do.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22We cover the live spiders in butter,
0:03:22 > 0:03:25feed them to the patient and - bang! - sickness gone
0:03:25 > 0:03:27- Oh, Jeff.- What?
0:03:27 > 0:03:30- I forgot to feed the spiders. - Are you insane in ye brain?
0:03:30 > 0:03:34We can't feed her dead, buttered spiders. That's just crazy.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36- I'm so sorry. - What else do you have?
0:03:36 > 0:03:39- I have this human bone. - Excellent. Bone marrow and sweat,
0:03:39 > 0:03:41- a sure tonic for sickness.- Madam,
0:03:41 > 0:03:43may I rub this bone on your armpit? Oh, she's gone.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46Honestly, it's like these people don't want her to get better!
0:03:46 > 0:03:48There's only one thing for it.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50BOTH: Fustigation!
0:03:50 > 0:03:52What's fustigation?
0:03:52 > 0:03:55A very technical procedure. You'll want to stand back.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58We literally beat the sickness out of her.
0:03:58 > 0:03:59That's ridiculous,
0:03:59 > 0:04:01- you can't do that! - Wait, wait, wait!
0:04:01 > 0:04:04- I hear wheezing. - Yes, she's got asthma.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07- Do you have a frog in your throat! - No.- Then why ever not, madam?
0:04:07 > 0:04:11- Nigel, put a frog in this lady's throat!- What do you mean, a frog?
0:04:11 > 0:04:12A dead frog in the windpipe
0:04:12 > 0:04:15- is the best cure for asthma. - Stop being so stupid!
0:04:15 > 0:04:19This is all she needs. Here you are.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21'Tis witchcraft!
0:04:21 > 0:04:24- Back away, witch! - Back away from the witch.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27- I'll take the spread.- Use not your black magic on me, witch.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30- Now run away!- Run away!- Run away!
0:04:33 > 0:04:37Oh, no. Jane, bring the sponges.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40Looks like they've tried the buttered spiders again.
0:04:49 > 0:04:52Hello, and welcome to Horrible Points of View.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55We've a bit of a backlog here at the BBC
0:04:55 > 0:04:58and we've just got round to the correspondence from the Celtic era.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01Actually, there are hardly any letters in the bag,
0:05:01 > 0:05:04because in Celtic times, most people didn't write.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07Stories were handed down by word of mouth,
0:05:07 > 0:05:10usually in the form of poetry,
0:05:10 > 0:05:12but we do have a couple here
0:05:12 > 0:05:15from viewers who went along to see one Celtic poet perform.
0:05:24 > 0:05:28A three hour poem?! Still, I suppose it's better than some of the acts
0:05:28 > 0:05:30on Britain's Got Talent!
0:05:30 > 0:05:32HE SNIGGERS
0:05:32 > 0:05:34Other viewers wanted to know...
0:05:36 > 0:05:40Well, who better to ask than the man himself.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42To learn all my poems took twelve years or more.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44My teacher would make me lie on the floor
0:05:44 > 0:05:47with a stone on my belly, A weird old sensation
0:05:47 > 0:05:50and a bag on my head to aid concentration.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53So why spend so long being treated like trash?
0:05:53 > 0:05:55Cos a qualified poet earns loads of cash.
0:05:55 > 0:05:56APPLAUSE
0:05:56 > 0:05:59Thank you, thank you. I'm here all week, half price on Thursdays.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02Imagine having to make everything rhyme?
0:06:02 > 0:06:04I'd do it myself, but I haven't the time.
0:06:04 > 0:06:09Celtic poets really did take 12 years to learn all their poems.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11Imagine their school timetable.
0:06:11 > 0:06:16Poetry, poetry, followed by double poetry, triple poetry and poetry.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19The poets were the rock stars of their day
0:06:19 > 0:06:22and they were well looked after wherever they went.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25Shame the Celts weren't as nice to their animals.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27I don't care if it does make a woolly jumper,
0:06:27 > 0:06:30you shouldn't be conducting the kind of genetic research
0:06:30 > 0:06:33that leads to crossing a sheep with a kangaroo.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37- Hello. Can I have a horse, please? A fast one.- For racing?
0:06:37 > 0:06:39No, for eating. I'm an ancient Celt
0:06:39 > 0:06:42and we believe that by eating a fast horse, it makes us faster runners.
0:06:42 > 0:06:45Look, I'm sorry. This is a pet shop, not a butcher's.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48We sell smallish animals for the family.
0:06:48 > 0:06:49Can I have a dog, please?
0:06:49 > 0:06:52There you go! Certainly! What kind you after?
0:06:52 > 0:06:55Ooh, Labradoodles are very popular at the moment.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57Very affectionate, great for people with allergies.
0:06:57 > 0:07:01- No, I'm after one that can tell me the future.- You want a talking dog?
0:07:01 > 0:07:04No! Dogs don't talk, love. No, no, no.
0:07:04 > 0:07:08But if you kill them and eat their flesh, they will talk to you in a vision.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10Yeah, go on, out you go! Go on! Walkies!
0:07:10 > 0:07:14If I promise not to hurt it, can I have a dog, please?
0:07:14 > 0:07:16- Do you promise? - Yeah.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19I cross my heart and hope to die in battle
0:07:19 > 0:07:21and then be reborn and then die again in battle.
0:07:21 > 0:07:25Eurgh! And then be reborn and die again in battle.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27You shouldn't be in charge of scissors, let alone pets!
0:07:27 > 0:07:29Can I have a dog, please?
0:07:30 > 0:07:31What kind are you after?
0:07:31 > 0:07:35One with a massive tongue so it'll lick this. Ah!
0:07:35 > 0:07:38- Argh!- Yeah, well, Celts believe it'll heal the wound.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40Er, well, we're all out of dogs. Sorry. Goodbye.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42Can I have a cat, please?
0:07:42 > 0:07:44I'm not going to sell you any pet
0:07:44 > 0:07:46that you're going to eat, kill, tell the future with,
0:07:46 > 0:07:48- or get to lick your wounds. - No, I won't!
0:07:48 > 0:07:50We think cats are lucky.
0:07:50 > 0:07:53If I sell you a cat, will you clear off and never come back?
0:07:53 > 0:07:55Yeah. As long as it's a quiet one.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58I'm going to take it home and brick it up in the house walls.
0:07:58 > 0:07:59What?
0:07:59 > 0:08:01Oh, come on! You know the saying.
0:08:01 > 0:08:04Lucky cat in the walls. Lucky home.
0:08:17 > 0:08:19Hello and welcome to The News At When.
0:08:19 > 0:08:23When? The 1400s, when the kings of England ended up fighting
0:08:23 > 0:08:25a gruesome war with their own relatives
0:08:25 > 0:08:27for the right to the crown.
0:08:27 > 0:08:31Here with more details is Bob Hale with the War of the Roses report.
0:08:31 > 0:08:35Thank you, Sam. The year is 1453 and that right there is Henry VI,
0:08:35 > 0:08:38though he could be Henry The Sick because, mentally, he's rather ill.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41So unwell that he can't run the country any more.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43So his cousin, Richard Sillyname, turns up
0:08:43 > 0:08:46and says he'll be Lord Protector, meaning he'll run the country
0:08:46 > 0:08:49while the King is ill. What a lovely chap! Or is he?
0:08:49 > 0:08:5250 years ago, Richard's great-great-grandpa, Richard II,
0:08:52 > 0:08:56was kicked off the throne by Henry's great-great-grandpa, Henry IV.
0:08:56 > 0:08:59So these two sides of the family aren't exactly best buds,
0:08:59 > 0:09:02so the second Henry is better, he takes back his crown
0:09:02 > 0:09:05and, fearing cousin Dicky might still be bearing a grudge,
0:09:05 > 0:09:08has him kicked out of court. Boom! Good shot. What does Dicky do?
0:09:08 > 0:09:10Well, since Henry is from the House of Lancaster,
0:09:10 > 0:09:12whose symbol is a red rose,
0:09:12 > 0:09:14and since cousin Dicky is from the House of York,
0:09:14 > 0:09:17whose symbol is a white rose, and since this report is on
0:09:17 > 0:09:20the War of the Roses, you can see where this is going.
0:09:20 > 0:09:21Yep, it's war!
0:09:21 > 0:09:23Dicky's men, the Yorkies, win the first battle
0:09:23 > 0:09:26where Henry's Lancastrian Army run away. So fast, in fact,
0:09:26 > 0:09:28they leave poor Henry sitting alone in a tent
0:09:28 > 0:09:32having once again fallen ill. Again, Dicky becomes Lord Protector,
0:09:32 > 0:09:35and again Henry gets better, and again, Dicky is kicked out of court.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37Boom! Good shot.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39Luckily, the Archbishop of Canterbury steps in
0:09:39 > 0:09:41and sorts everything out by inventing Love Day
0:09:41 > 0:09:44where Yorkies and Lancastrians walk the High Street
0:09:44 > 0:09:46holding hands. I'm not making that up.
0:09:46 > 0:09:48So it's all peace and love and harmony and kissing,
0:09:48 > 0:09:51although probably not the last one, and that is the end of that.
0:09:51 > 0:09:55Or so we thought! 1459 and Dicky tries again but fails.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58Yes, it's the Yorkies' turn to run away this time,
0:09:58 > 0:10:01but not that far away, because the next year they try again.
0:10:01 > 0:10:04The Battle of Northampton this time, where the Yorkies win
0:10:04 > 0:10:07and the Lancastrians run away, leaving Henry behind, again
0:10:07 > 0:10:09and he's found alone in his tent, again.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11And guess what? He's ill again.
0:10:11 > 0:10:15So once again, Dicky becomes Lord Protector, meaning final victory
0:10:15 > 0:10:20goes to the Yorkies and that really, really, really is the end of that!
0:10:20 > 0:10:21Or so we thought!
0:10:21 > 0:10:23Henry might be ill, but his wife refuses to give up.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25So she nips up to Scotland and borrows an army
0:10:25 > 0:10:28and, what do you know, restarts the whole war.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30She socks it to the Yorkies at the Battle of Wakefield,
0:10:30 > 0:10:33which has this effect on old Dicky Boy.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35He fainted! No, not really! He's only dead.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37Killed in battle, leaving his son Eddy to pick up
0:10:37 > 0:10:40where Daddy left off, getting beaten by Mrs Henry.
0:10:40 > 0:10:43But Eddy's in luck. The people are suspicious of Mrs Henry's
0:10:43 > 0:10:46Scottish army and decide they'd rather have Eddy in charge.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49He's crowned, Yorkies win, Lancastrians lose
0:10:49 > 0:10:52and that's the end. Really, honestly this time. I promise.
0:10:52 > 0:10:53Or so we thought!
0:10:53 > 0:10:56Time for the biggest battle of the entire war,
0:10:56 > 0:10:59It's bigger than that. Bigger. Yep, that's about right.
0:10:59 > 0:11:0280,000 soldiers, 20,000 killed. It's a massive, horrible bloodbath
0:11:02 > 0:11:04that sees final victory go to...
0:11:04 > 0:11:05the Yorkies, yes!
0:11:05 > 0:11:08Mr and Mrs Henry run away, Eddy has his coronation,
0:11:08 > 0:11:11becoming King Edward IV, the country is filled with peace
0:11:11 > 0:11:14and rainbows and prancing lambs and pretty coloured flags.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16But not for long! Eddy falls out with his chief advisor,
0:11:16 > 0:11:18the Earl of Warwick, which is a bad move.
0:11:18 > 0:11:22Warwick is known as the Kingmaker and he promptly makes a king.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25He brings back - yep, you've guessed it - Henry VI. Remember him?
0:11:25 > 0:11:29Well, you can forget him, because in 1471 Warwick is killed in battle,
0:11:29 > 0:11:32Henry is executed, and Edward can take back the crown for the Yorkies
0:11:32 > 0:11:35and rule the country very nicely for years and years
0:11:35 > 0:11:37and that's the end of the War of the Roses.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40Honestly this time, properly and forever, I swear.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43Unless you count where Eddy dies, his brother Richard III takes over,
0:11:43 > 0:11:45THEN loses the crown to Henry Tudor.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48But that's unimportant. Who's ever heard of the Tudors?
0:11:48 > 0:11:50AUDIENCE: Everybody's heard of the Tudors!
0:11:50 > 0:11:53All right, I know everyone has, it was only a joke!
0:11:53 > 0:11:56Honestly, what is it with you people?!
0:11:57 > 0:12:01Richard III was a mean old murderous monster.
0:12:01 > 0:12:02or was he?
0:12:05 > 0:12:11# I was sure that you'd love me to that hope I did cling
0:12:11 > 0:12:17# Cos I'm Richard III and everybody loves a king
0:12:17 > 0:12:21# Thought I did a good job Why do you disagree
0:12:21 > 0:12:24# There's a lot of people spreading nasty rumours 'bout me
0:12:24 > 0:12:27# Every word is a lie so I'm singing this song
0:12:27 > 0:12:31# Cos the history books have been telling it wrong
0:12:31 > 0:12:34# Never had a limp Walked my full height
0:12:34 > 0:12:37# Never had a hump and my arm was all right
0:12:37 > 0:12:40# Never took the crown with illegal power
0:12:40 > 0:12:44# Never killed my nephews the princes in the tower
0:12:44 > 0:12:50# Tudor propaganda, it's all absurd
0:12:50 > 0:12:55# Time to tell the truth about King Richard III
0:12:57 > 0:13:02# My brother Edward died His kids too young to rule
0:13:02 > 0:13:08# So I took the throne Why not? I'm nobody's fool
0:13:08 > 0:13:12# Thomas More wrote a history said I murdered Edward's boys
0:13:12 > 0:13:15# Shakespeare said their death was an evil ploy
0:13:15 > 0:13:19# But I say those two are historical vandals
0:13:19 > 0:13:21# They've ruined my image I mean, what a scandal!
0:13:21 > 0:13:25# Never bumped off those harmless young heirs
0:13:25 > 0:13:28# Never buried them under the Tower of London stairs
0:13:28 > 0:13:32# Never poisoned my wife Bumped off her daddy
0:13:32 > 0:13:35# This is me, Sweet Richard Do I look like a baddie?
0:13:35 > 0:13:41# Never was two-faced Sure you'll agree
0:13:41 > 0:13:46# I was misunderstood King Richard three
0:13:48 > 0:13:51# Can you imagine it? I'm the last Plantagenet
0:13:51 > 0:13:54# Beaten by Henry in the Wars of the Roses
0:13:54 > 0:13:57# The Tudor dynasty didn't care that much for me
0:13:57 > 0:14:01# Now I'm painted as a baddie That's why one supposes
0:14:01 > 0:14:04# Never forget when you hear of my crimes
0:14:04 > 0:14:07# Never drowned my brother in a massive vat of wine
0:14:07 > 0:14:10# Never said "A horse! My kingdom for a horse!"
0:14:10 > 0:14:13# Who made that up? Why, William Shakespeare, of course
0:14:13 > 0:14:18# Now my tale is told you won't hear a bad word
0:14:20 > 0:14:24# About a special ruler King Richard III. #
0:14:24 > 0:14:26I'm a nice guy.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28BUZZING
0:14:28 > 0:14:30Oh, there's a wasp, there's a wasp!
0:14:30 > 0:14:33There's a wasp, a wasp! Ah, there's a wasp. Ah, there's a wasp!
0:14:33 > 0:14:36Yes, people think Richard III was a monster
0:14:36 > 0:14:39because of how he was portrayed by Shakespeare
0:14:39 > 0:14:41in the play, Richard III.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43But Shakespeare was out to please Queen Elizabeth I,
0:14:43 > 0:14:48and by making Richard III a monster, he showed that her grandfather,
0:14:48 > 0:14:50Henry Tudor, was right to take the throne.
0:14:50 > 0:14:54So Richard probably wasn't really all that bad.
0:14:54 > 0:14:59Woo-hoo, I suddenly came across all brainy. Do you know what?
0:14:59 > 0:15:02I feel quite faint.
0:15:07 > 0:15:11In ancient Mexico, us Aztecs ate all sorts of unusual stuff
0:15:11 > 0:15:15like monkeys, frogs and lizards. But at a certain time of the year,
0:15:15 > 0:15:17our diet wasn't nearly as interesting.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20Previously on Aztec Come Dine With Me,
0:15:20 > 0:15:23Memexi served up a meal of maize and beans.
0:15:23 > 0:15:25Ooh! Thank you.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27Come here, maize and beans!
0:15:27 > 0:15:30Chantico prepared a dish of maize and beans.
0:15:30 > 0:15:33So, it's maize and beans. Can I get you one of these?
0:15:33 > 0:15:35- Oh, yes.- Everyone for beans?
0:15:35 > 0:15:37Oh, yes, please.
0:15:37 > 0:15:39And Tenook cooked maize and beans
0:15:39 > 0:15:40with a side order of beans.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42Quelle surprise!
0:15:42 > 0:15:43LAUGHTER
0:15:43 > 0:15:44Yes it's, er...
0:15:44 > 0:15:46BREAKS WIND
0:15:47 > 0:15:51It's the final dinner party. Can't wait to find out
0:15:51 > 0:15:54what Atzi's going to be cooking for her guests tonight.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57I've decided to cook maize and beans.
0:15:57 > 0:15:58Oh!
0:15:58 > 0:16:01Cos I don't have any choice.
0:16:01 > 0:16:06In the Aztec calendar, it's the days of eating maize and beans
0:16:06 > 0:16:08when we just eat maize and beans.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10PARP!
0:16:10 > 0:16:11For 19 days.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14It's to celebrate the end of the dry season.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16Yes, and the beginning of the windy one!
0:16:16 > 0:16:20It's hot and sticky in the kitchen and Atzi hasn't started cooking.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23Now the guests are arriving. That's no good.
0:16:23 > 0:16:26- Can I take your blanket? - Yeah.
0:16:26 > 0:16:30- You look fabulous. Really nice. - Oh, so do you. You look fantastic!
0:16:30 > 0:16:33Now, I'm just in the kitchen. So just help yourselves to cactus wine.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35Thank you. Oh, right!
0:16:35 > 0:16:38Cactus wine!? I hope they've taken the spikes out!
0:16:38 > 0:16:41Meanwhile, back in the kitchen, Atzi prepares the sacred maize
0:16:41 > 0:16:45in the traditional Aztec manner, by blowing on it.
0:16:45 > 0:16:46PRRRT!
0:16:46 > 0:16:48Well, that's one way of doing it.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50Oh, no!
0:16:50 > 0:16:53Please tell me you're not using that maize on the floor!
0:16:53 > 0:16:58Maize is sacred to us Aztecs, so not a single grain must be wasted.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00PARP!
0:17:03 > 0:17:05It is me or is it a bit draughty in here?
0:17:05 > 0:17:07It's you!
0:17:07 > 0:17:10It's time for dinner and before the main course of maize and beans,
0:17:10 > 0:17:13Atzi has prepared a surprise starter.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16It's maize and beans!
0:17:16 > 0:17:18- Ooh!- Love it.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20- That is my favourite.- Mine too.
0:17:20 > 0:17:24Several plates of maize and beans later, it's time for Atzi
0:17:24 > 0:17:28to entertain her guests by playing a tune on her Aztec pipes.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30PANPIPES
0:17:30 > 0:17:32While the other guests give a blast on THEIR Aztec pipes.
0:17:32 > 0:17:33PARP!
0:17:33 > 0:17:34PRRT!
0:17:34 > 0:17:36Go on, fella!
0:17:36 > 0:17:39Time for the all-important scores.
0:17:39 > 0:17:43A three from Memexi.
0:17:43 > 0:17:46Seven from Chantico.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48And a big fat one from Tenook.
0:17:48 > 0:17:49PARP!
0:17:49 > 0:17:51Who gives Atzi ten out of ten.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54Which means that Atzi is the winner of this week's cash prize,
0:17:54 > 0:17:561,000 beans.
0:17:56 > 0:17:581,000 beans?
0:17:58 > 0:18:04Relax, they're cocoa beans for making chocolate. It's Aztec money.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06Aah!
0:18:06 > 0:18:07Yeah!
0:18:07 > 0:18:09PRRT!
0:18:09 > 0:18:11Yeah, when I said relax...
0:18:11 > 0:18:13Next week on Aztec Come Dine With Me,
0:18:13 > 0:18:17it's the days of swallowing water snakes and frogs. Can't wait.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33The answer is...
0:18:33 > 0:18:36B. The Aztecs held ceremonies where they stretched children's necks
0:18:36 > 0:18:38to make them taller.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50Grr, get back here! Come on!
0:18:53 > 0:18:55Grr!
0:18:57 > 0:18:59Grr!
0:18:59 > 0:19:01What are you doing, man?
0:19:01 > 0:19:05The woods are teeming with wildlife. You won't catch anything standing there.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08Come on, let's get hunting. Woo! Rarr!
0:19:08 > 0:19:10No thanks. I'm not a hunter.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13Whoa! Back up, give a brother room. What do you mean, not a hunter?
0:19:13 > 0:19:15We're Stone Age. It's what we do.
0:19:15 > 0:19:18We chase after wild animals, day in, day out
0:19:18 > 0:19:20until they get exhausted and we skewer 'em!
0:19:20 > 0:19:23Well, I'm not a hunter. I'm a farmer.
0:19:23 > 0:19:27- A fah-ma? - Yes, a farmer, I farm stuff.
0:19:27 > 0:19:31Basically, I got fed up of chasing animals about the countryside,
0:19:31 > 0:19:33never staying in the same place twice,
0:19:33 > 0:19:35so I set myself up a home here.
0:19:35 > 0:19:36A hoom?
0:19:36 > 0:19:38Yeah, a home. This could take a while.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40Yes, I live here.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42I have plenty of livestock in my paddock
0:19:42 > 0:19:45and whenever I need meat I just go over and kill it.
0:19:45 > 0:19:48What, you don't have to chase after it?
0:19:48 > 0:19:50- No. It's tied up. - That's cool!
0:19:50 > 0:19:54I quite like the sound of being a fah-ma with a hoom.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56And I plant and grow all my own vegetables.
0:19:56 > 0:19:58Vegballs.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00- Vegetables.- Ve-ge-tibbles.
0:20:00 > 0:20:04Like cabbage and spinach and onions and carrots and garlic. Try this.
0:20:10 > 0:20:11No, I don't like it.
0:20:11 > 0:20:12Here, wash it down with this.
0:20:14 > 0:20:15It's milk from the animals.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19It is a little hard to swallow.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22I think I'll stick to being a hunter, thanks.
0:20:22 > 0:20:25OK then. More for me!
0:20:29 > 0:20:31Yeah, keep it down now, keep it down.
0:20:31 > 0:20:36Ha-ha! When Stone Age men first started drinking animal milk,
0:20:36 > 0:20:38their bodies hadn't learnt how to digest it properly
0:20:38 > 0:20:41so they would have been sick a lot.
0:20:41 > 0:20:45Anyone fancy a nice bowl of puke-o-pops? Ha-ha-ha!
0:20:45 > 0:20:50Yes, it was a key moment in the evolution of Stone Age man
0:20:50 > 0:20:54as, believe it or not, was the invention of string.
0:20:54 > 0:20:58Hi, I'm a shouty man and I'm here to tell you about...
0:21:00 > 0:21:02It's the exciting, technological breakthrough
0:21:02 > 0:21:04set to revolutionise the Stone Age.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06Are you tired of hunting with rocks?
0:21:06 > 0:21:07Yeah!
0:21:07 > 0:21:10- Oh!- Then simply use new multi-purpose string
0:21:10 > 0:21:13to tie a sharp flint to a long stick and - bingo! -
0:21:13 > 0:21:15you've got yourself a spear.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18- It should be the pointy end first. - Arr!
0:21:18 > 0:21:23You can also use new multi-purpose string to make this bow and arrow.
0:21:23 > 0:21:26You're supposed to fire the pointy end!
0:21:26 > 0:21:27- Sorry, mate.- And that's not all.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30New multi-purpose string can also be used
0:21:30 > 0:21:32to make this tasteful shell necklace.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35Wurrgh! Necklace nice.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38Ho-ho! Flowers nice.
0:21:38 > 0:21:42- Flowers not for you. Flowers to make string.- That's right.
0:21:42 > 0:21:46New multi-purpose string is made from the flowering plant, flax,
0:21:46 > 0:21:48so it's 100% organic.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50Here's the not-so-sciencey bit!
0:21:50 > 0:21:53Flax is a tough plant, full of strong, woody fibres.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56Simply extract these fibres from the stem of the plant
0:21:56 > 0:21:59and twist them with other fibres for added stringy strength.
0:21:59 > 0:22:03Honey, I'm home! Me bring meat.
0:22:03 > 0:22:07Why not use new multi-purpose string to make yourself a string bag?
0:22:07 > 0:22:09It's up to a bit percent better at carrying stuff
0:22:09 > 0:22:11than using your bare hands.
0:22:11 > 0:22:15Honey, I'm home! Me bring more meat!
0:22:15 > 0:22:18Warning, do not use string bag to carry berries.
0:22:18 > 0:22:20What else string do?
0:22:20 > 0:22:21How long is a piece of string?
0:22:21 > 0:22:25Easy. One, 20, 32...
0:22:25 > 0:22:29New multi-purpose string. Available from all leading fields.
0:22:29 > 0:22:3429, 30... Ooh! No, it is difficult, actually.
0:22:39 > 0:22:44We Georgians all loved our great naval Commander, Lord Nelson.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46The Battle of Trafalgar was his finest hour
0:22:46 > 0:22:49but also, sadly, his last.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52Quick as you can, Dr Beatty. It's Lord Nelson,
0:22:52 > 0:22:54he's been shot. I think he may be dying.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57Ah, Dr Beatty. Sorry to have to drag you down here.
0:22:57 > 0:23:01Hardy's a bit of a fusspot. I trust you are well?
0:23:01 > 0:23:04Never better, but I'm sure it's your health we should worry about.
0:23:04 > 0:23:06EXPLOSION
0:23:06 > 0:23:08Ah, stuff and nonsense, Dr Beatty!
0:23:08 > 0:23:11Just a trifling fatal injury from a French sniper rifle.
0:23:11 > 0:23:15Heaven knows how the blighter managed to pick me out on the crowded deck.
0:23:15 > 0:23:18Well, with all due respect, you do stand out a little bit.
0:23:18 > 0:23:21You may as well have, "Shoot Me" written on your forehead.
0:23:21 > 0:23:24Bullet ripped through my shoulder, passed through my chest
0:23:24 > 0:23:26and lodged somewhere in my spine.
0:23:26 > 0:23:28You ask me, it's a darn inconvenience!
0:23:28 > 0:23:29EXPLOSION
0:23:29 > 0:23:32Doctor, is there anything you can do for him?
0:23:32 > 0:23:33I'm just a ship surgeon,
0:23:33 > 0:23:37bit out of my depth with internal bleeding and spinal injuries.
0:23:37 > 0:23:39Hacking off damaged limbs is more my forte.
0:23:39 > 0:23:40CHEERING
0:23:40 > 0:23:43Another French ship has surrendered, sir.
0:23:43 > 0:23:47You're about to win Trafalgar. The greatest sea battle of all time.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49Just as well, Hardy.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52I'd look pretty stupid after naming MY flagship The Victory, what?
0:23:52 > 0:23:54LAUGHTER
0:23:54 > 0:23:55Ah, good. Yes!
0:23:55 > 0:23:57- Oh, God.- Admiral, we're losing him.
0:23:57 > 0:23:59Kiss me, Hardy.
0:24:01 > 0:24:04Sorry, did he just say, "Kiss me, Hardy?"
0:24:04 > 0:24:07- It sounded more like "Kismet." - Sorry, what's Kismet."
0:24:07 > 0:24:10Well, I think it means fate or destiny or something.
0:24:10 > 0:24:15Oh, right. I might kiss him anyway, just in case that's what he wanted.
0:24:15 > 0:24:18Really? Well, no, no, no.
0:24:18 > 0:24:22If he was saying that this was his destiny and you do kiss him,
0:24:22 > 0:24:24then forever more, people will think
0:24:24 > 0:24:26Britain's greatest ever naval hero, on his deathbed,
0:24:26 > 0:24:30- asked his right-hand man for a bit of snog when he didn't.- OK.
0:24:30 > 0:24:34Well, um, how about I split the difference and give him a hug?
0:24:34 > 0:24:37Yeah, give him a hug. Everyone loves a hug.
0:24:41 > 0:24:42Finished?
0:24:42 > 0:24:45Not yet.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47Yep, we're good.
0:24:47 > 0:24:51Hardy did actually kiss Nelson, twice on the cheek.
0:24:51 > 0:24:54The Battle of Trafalgar was a famous British victory
0:24:54 > 0:24:57but, on receiving news of Nelson's death, King George III
0:24:57 > 0:25:03is believed to have said, "We have lost more than we have gained."
0:25:03 > 0:25:04That is such a sad death.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07I thought this was supposed to be a funny show?
0:25:07 > 0:25:08What's that?
0:25:08 > 0:25:11We've got a stupid one up next? Oh, goody!
0:25:14 > 0:25:16# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths
0:25:16 > 0:25:18# They're funny cos they're true
0:25:18 > 0:25:21# Whoo! Stupid deaths, Stupid deaths
0:25:21 > 0:25:24# Hope next time it's not you. # Hee-hee!
0:25:24 > 0:25:27Well, yes, I do use conditioner. Is it that obvious?
0:25:27 > 0:25:29What do you use?
0:25:29 > 0:25:32Oh, look lively, we've got company. And you are?
0:25:32 > 0:25:34Maria, Countess of Coventry.
0:25:34 > 0:25:36All right then, Grandma. Tell us your story.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38Grandma?! I'm only 27!
0:25:38 > 0:25:43Only 27?! What happened to you? An explosion in a white paint shop?
0:25:43 > 0:25:46No. Actually, I used to be something of a society beauty,
0:25:46 > 0:25:48but I was prone to the odd spot.
0:25:48 > 0:25:51- Oh, yes.- So I covered them up with ceruse,
0:25:51 > 0:25:53a Georgian make-up, and that worked a treat.
0:25:53 > 0:25:56But I got more blemishes, so I applied more make-up.
0:25:56 > 0:25:58Well, you would. Wouldn't you?
0:25:58 > 0:26:00Turns out it contains white lead.
0:26:00 > 0:26:01Oh, that can't be good for you.
0:26:01 > 0:26:04No, it's poisonous and it causes blemishes on the skin.
0:26:04 > 0:26:08Which you needed to cover up with more white lead make-up?
0:26:08 > 0:26:09Exactly.
0:26:09 > 0:26:12More blemishes, more make-up, more blemishes, more make-up,
0:26:12 > 0:26:15- more blemishes, more make-up. - Uh-huh, yes?
0:26:15 > 0:26:17Until I died of lead poisoning.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19You did? Aha-ha-ha-ha!
0:26:19 > 0:26:21HE LAUGHS
0:26:21 > 0:26:23You're as thick as your make-up!
0:26:23 > 0:26:27Ooh! If looks could kill! And they did - you!
0:26:27 > 0:26:30HE LAUGHS
0:26:30 > 0:26:33You're through to the afterlife, Maria, you numpty!
0:26:33 > 0:26:36Off you go. Honestly, oh!
0:26:36 > 0:26:38Is this a wig or... Hm. Next!
0:26:38 > 0:26:39Name.
0:26:39 > 0:26:40Kitty Fisher.
0:26:40 > 0:26:45Hm, now don't tell me. Let me guess.
0:26:45 > 0:26:47# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths
0:26:47 > 0:26:50# Hope next time it's not yo-o-ou. #
0:26:54 > 0:26:58And so dies Lord Nelson, Britain's greatest naval leader.
0:26:58 > 0:27:02Hero of the Battle of the Nile, the Battle of Copenhagen
0:27:02 > 0:27:06and now the Battle of Trafalgar. The People's Admiral.
0:27:09 > 0:27:12His body should be carried back home in honour, so that the men
0:27:12 > 0:27:15and women of Britain can pay their respects.
0:27:15 > 0:27:18What did you do with the body, by the way?
0:27:18 > 0:27:20Oh, we wanted to make sure it was preserved,
0:27:20 > 0:27:22so we popped it in the barrel of brandy.
0:27:27 > 0:27:28Good stuff.
0:27:28 > 0:27:29# Tall tales, atrocious acts
0:27:29 > 0:27:32# We gave you all the fearsome facts... #
0:27:32 > 0:27:34Psst! Can you keep a secret? No, me neither.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36I've found great games in the Time Sewers.
0:27:36 > 0:27:39Want to come and play? Then just go to the CBBC website
0:27:39 > 0:27:42and click on Horrible Histories. See you there!
0:27:43 > 0:27:46Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd