0:00:01 > 0:00:04# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians
0:00:04 > 0:00:07# Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights
0:00:07 > 0:00:09# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians
0:00:09 > 0:00:12# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times
0:00:12 > 0:00:15# Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless
0:00:15 > 0:00:18# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages
0:00:18 > 0:00:23# Gory stories, we do that And your host, a talking rat
0:00:23 > 0:00:27# The past is no longer a mystery Welcome to...
0:00:27 > 0:00:32# Horrible Histories. #
0:00:36 > 0:00:41MALE CHORAL SINGING
0:00:41 > 0:00:44- Could you pass me the ink pot, please, Brother Terry.- Shh!
0:00:47 > 0:00:49- Thank you very much indeed. - SHHH!
0:00:50 > 0:00:53AAARGH!
0:00:53 > 0:00:54SHHH!
0:00:54 > 0:00:55Sorry.
0:00:57 > 0:01:00ALL SHOUT IN ATTACK
0:01:00 > 0:01:03- Whoa, you don't want to do that! - Give me one good reason why.
0:01:03 > 0:01:07- I'm writing a history book about our island monastery.- A history book?!
0:01:07 > 0:01:09Er, boring.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11- Boredom! - Actually, it's very important.
0:01:11 > 0:01:14This book is going to be handed down for generations.
0:01:14 > 0:01:17If you kill me now no-one will know of your heroic exploits.
0:01:17 > 0:01:21- You want to be famous, don't you? - Yeah...- You're Eric, right?- Yep.
0:01:21 > 0:01:27That's just not going to cut it. How about, "Eric The Fierce..." Yeah?
0:01:27 > 0:01:33- Like it.- "..Tore into the monk's room, over six feet tall."
0:01:33 > 0:01:35That's good!
0:01:35 > 0:01:38- Write about my biceps.- All right.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41"Rippling biceps..."
0:01:41 > 0:01:46- Do me, do some stuff about me. - "Swiftly followed by..."
0:01:46 > 0:01:50- Olaf The Terrifying, I think. - "..Olaf The Terrifying.
0:01:50 > 0:01:53"Also six foot tall."
0:01:53 > 0:01:56- Er, make, make me bigger, put seven foot.- What?!
0:01:56 > 0:01:59That's not true, he's clearly not seven foot.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02He is now, cos I've just written it down in the history book, mate.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05All right, write, "Eric The Fierce killed the most monks."
0:02:05 > 0:02:08- Well, that's not true either. - Oh...well, it might be.
0:02:08 > 0:02:13- Did he get that last bit down? - Erm...
0:02:13 > 0:02:16Who am I kidding? Vikings can't read.
0:02:16 > 0:02:20- Some lovely pictures though, look at that!- Oh, look at the little bunny.
0:02:20 > 0:02:24It's true. Vikings didn't write things down, so much of what
0:02:24 > 0:02:28we know about famous Viking warriors comes from books written by monks.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31Monks were the only people who could read and write
0:02:31 > 0:02:34which also meant that were highly prized as slaves.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37Hi there, we've just come back from a Viking raid where
0:02:37 > 0:02:39we nicked loads of monks, which is great news for you
0:02:39 > 0:02:44if you're looking for a nice, well-behaved monk slave because...
0:02:44 > 0:02:48# We sell any monk Any, any, any, any, any monk
0:02:48 > 0:02:50# We sell any monk
0:02:50 > 0:02:52# Fat ones, slim ones Bright ones, dim ones
0:02:52 > 0:02:54# We sell any monk. #
0:02:55 > 0:02:59Yes, and you can use your monk slave for all sorts of everyday chores,
0:02:59 > 0:03:02such as wall building to manure spreading,
0:03:02 > 0:03:06from peat digging to manure spreading, and don't forget...
0:03:06 > 0:03:10# We sell any monk Any, any, any, any, any monk
0:03:10 > 0:03:12# We sell any monk
0:03:12 > 0:03:15# One to read, one to write Not much good in a fight
0:03:15 > 0:03:18# We sell any monk. #
0:03:21 > 0:03:23Based in the new Viking city of Dublin,
0:03:23 > 0:03:27our market place offers an extensive range of top quality monk slaves
0:03:27 > 0:03:30from Scotland, Ireland and Cornwall and we sell
0:03:30 > 0:03:35to satisfied customers all over Europe and as far away as Italy.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38# We sell any monk Any, any, any, any, any monk.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41# Nice ones, grim ones, Chopped off a limb ones. #
0:03:41 > 0:03:43Aa-oww!
0:03:43 > 0:03:44Sorry.
0:03:44 > 0:03:47We sell any monk, any size, any age, any look, any price
0:03:47 > 0:03:51from five silver coins to a big gold plate, we sell any monk.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53And cut!
0:03:54 > 0:03:56Aa-oow!
0:03:56 > 0:03:57Erm, I meant, "That's a wrap."
0:03:57 > 0:04:00Oh! Sorry.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07No, I don't know why your dog can't dance...
0:04:07 > 0:04:11Because he's got two left feet. All dogs have two left feet.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13Is this some kind of joke?
0:04:13 > 0:04:16- Good day to you, madam. - Hello, how can I help you?
0:04:16 > 0:04:18I require a dozen pigeons.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20Right, not a problem, any particular type?
0:04:20 > 0:04:24I care not, but could you break their wings so they can't fly,
0:04:24 > 0:04:26makes them an awful lot easier to shoot!
0:04:26 > 0:04:28HE IMITATES GUNFIRE
0:04:28 > 0:04:30Look, I sell pets, I don't hurt them first.
0:04:30 > 0:04:32Shame, as I also require a dog.
0:04:32 > 0:04:36To cook it, I suppose, for some horrible Victorian dinner party.
0:04:36 > 0:04:40How dare you, I assure you the dog would be very well looked after.
0:04:40 > 0:04:41All right then, fine.
0:04:41 > 0:04:44After all, it would need to be in peak condition
0:04:44 > 0:04:46to fight a box of rats for money.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49- Oh, and I need a box of rats. - No.
0:04:49 > 0:04:50Fine!
0:04:52 > 0:04:54I don't suppose you have a bear whose face I could shave
0:04:54 > 0:04:57so I could sell it to a fairground as a pig-faced lady?
0:04:57 > 0:05:03No pigeons, no dogs, no rats, no pig-faced lady bears.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05Do you stock anything?
0:05:05 > 0:05:07Hello, sir.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09Good day, madam, I require a...
0:05:09 > 0:05:11Get out! I've had enough trouble.
0:05:11 > 0:05:15I'm not selling any more animals to Victorians to be mistreated.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18How dare you?! I am the second Baron Rothschild,
0:05:18 > 0:05:20I am famous for my GOOD treatment of animals.
0:05:20 > 0:05:24Am I not the man whose carriage is drawn by four much-loved Zebras?
0:05:24 > 0:05:28Who shares his supper with 12 pet chimpanzees?
0:05:28 > 0:05:32Who allows snakes free run of his ornamental staircase?
0:05:32 > 0:05:35Well, in which case, what can I get you?
0:05:35 > 0:05:39Do you have a bear that slaps ladies' bottoms?
0:05:39 > 0:05:42No. But I do have a frog...
0:05:42 > 0:05:46- Interesting creature. - ..That slaps Victorians' faces!
0:05:46 > 0:05:48How dare you, madam?
0:05:48 > 0:05:50Go on, get out the pair of you.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52I have never been so insulted by a woman with a frog!
0:05:52 > 0:05:54Get out.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56I have once.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59The second Baron Rothschild's mansion
0:05:59 > 0:06:01really did feature pet chimps,
0:06:01 > 0:06:05a bear who slapped ladies bottoms, snakes around the banisters
0:06:05 > 0:06:07and a carriage pulled by zebras.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10"Oh, see you later, darling, I'm just off to the zoo.
0:06:10 > 0:06:13"Oh, hold on, I already live in the zoo!"
0:06:13 > 0:06:14HE LAUGHS
0:06:14 > 0:06:18Of course, most Victorian carriages were pulled by horses
0:06:18 > 0:06:20and that had its own problems.
0:06:20 > 0:06:24'The Victorian traffic report now. Here's Abigail Tightcorset.'
0:06:24 > 0:06:28It's bad news, I'm afraid, if you're planning to travel in London today
0:06:28 > 0:06:30as road conditions are very hazardous.
0:06:30 > 0:06:34It's the 1890s and the narrow streets of the city are packed
0:06:34 > 0:06:37with buses and cabs, all of which are pulled by horses,
0:06:37 > 0:06:40so you can expect to see massive pile-ups of horse dung
0:06:40 > 0:06:43here, here and here.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45In fact, hundreds of tons of horse dung
0:06:45 > 0:06:49will pour all over the streets of London over the next 24 hours
0:06:49 > 0:06:53leading to very slippery conditions underfoot, so please do be careful.
0:06:53 > 0:06:57The authorities are doing what they can to clear up the situation
0:06:57 > 0:07:00and you should be seeing young boys,
0:07:00 > 0:07:03all over the city shovelling up that horse poo.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06You should see them as they'll be wearing red jumpers,
0:07:06 > 0:07:09so they'll be easy to spot and won't get run over.
0:07:09 > 0:07:13I say red, but by now, those jumpers are going to be brown
0:07:13 > 0:07:14or reddy-brown, at least.
0:07:14 > 0:07:18There are reports of an overflowing sewer on Regent Street,
0:07:18 > 0:07:22so at least that road will be a bit cleaner now.
0:07:22 > 0:07:23Good night.
0:07:29 > 0:07:32Our Tudor money system was very complicated,
0:07:32 > 0:07:35very, very complicated indeed.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42- Hello!- Hi, mate.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45- IN A FRENCH ACCENT: - I'd like to buy some English money.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48- Oh, straight off the boat are we? - How can you tell?
0:07:48 > 0:07:49Oh, it's a gift.
0:07:49 > 0:07:53Right, how many sovereigns, pounds, crowns, shillings,
0:07:53 > 0:07:56angels, farthings, groats and pennies would you like, sir?
0:07:56 > 0:08:01- Pardon?- It's simple, you got your penny, halfpenny,
0:08:01 > 0:08:05your farthing - a quarter of a penny. Four pennies is a groat.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07- A goat?- A groat.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10Two pennies is half a groat, 12 pennies is a shilling.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12So six pennies is half a shilling, no?
0:08:12 > 0:08:17No, six pennies is sixpence, obviously. Or three half groats.
0:08:17 > 0:08:20- Now, this is your half crown. - Which is two shillings?
0:08:20 > 0:08:23No, it's two shillings and sixpence. Or a quarter angel,
0:08:23 > 0:08:26which is a 120 pennies, which is ten shillings, yeah?
0:08:26 > 0:08:29Half an angel, that's 60 pennies, which is a crown,
0:08:29 > 0:08:30which is five shillings.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33- Now, ten shillings...- Is an angel? - No, it's half a pound.
0:08:33 > 0:08:37- A pound?- No, half a pound, it's also an angel, yeah,
0:08:37 > 0:08:40but it's 120 pennies, which is half of 240 pennies
0:08:40 > 0:08:43which is a pound. It's also 20 shillings.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45It's simple, I don't know what the problem is.
0:08:45 > 0:08:50- OK, well, I will take, um, 30 shillings.- Right.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52- There you go.- What, what is that?
0:08:52 > 0:08:55It's a sovereign. It's worth 30 shillings.
0:08:55 > 0:08:59- Er, I, er...- Do you want me to go over it again?
0:08:59 > 0:09:02- Oui, I think that would be best. - Right...
0:09:02 > 0:09:05Did you know, decimalised money -
0:09:05 > 0:09:08where you count in tens and hundreds -
0:09:08 > 0:09:10didn't come to Britain until 1971?
0:09:10 > 0:09:14I wouldn't like to do the sums for Tudor money, maths is not my thirte.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16Oh, I mean forte. Ha-ha!
0:09:16 > 0:09:18Yes, there were lots of weird Tudor coins
0:09:18 > 0:09:22and lots of weird Tudor laws, as well.
0:09:23 > 0:09:27- Sir William is here to see you, Your Majesty.- Then send him in.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30Enter!
0:09:31 > 0:09:35- Good day to you, Your Majesty. - Guard! Arrest this man.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37On what charge?
0:09:37 > 0:09:41- Not wearing a woolly hat. - You're not wearing a woolly hat.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44Of course I'm not wearing a woolly hat, they look ridiculous.
0:09:44 > 0:09:49I have passed a law that everybody should wear woolly hats on Sundays.
0:09:49 > 0:09:52It is to support the English wool trade.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54I happen to have a spare, my lady.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56Ta-dah.
0:09:56 > 0:10:00Oh, Cecil, what would we do without you?
0:10:01 > 0:10:08- I'll start again. Good day to you, Your Majesty.- Guard!- What now?
0:10:08 > 0:10:12- Arrest this man.- On what charge? - Wearing a cloak.
0:10:12 > 0:10:17- You're wearing a cloak. - Yes, I'm wearing a clock, it's cold.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20I have passed a law banning cloaks, so that my courtiers
0:10:20 > 0:10:24can reach their swords quicker, should anyone wish to attack me.
0:10:27 > 0:10:30Is everybody happy now?
0:10:30 > 0:10:32- Good day to you.- Guard! - Odds bodkins!
0:10:34 > 0:10:37- Arrest this man.- On what charge?
0:10:37 > 0:10:40- Wearing purple. - I thought it was rather fetching.
0:10:40 > 0:10:44I have passed a law stating that purple cloth or any other cloth
0:10:44 > 0:10:50embroidered with gold or silver can only be worn by Barons, Viscounts
0:10:50 > 0:10:53or higher nobility.
0:10:53 > 0:10:57And you, SIR William are only a knight.
0:10:59 > 0:11:00Happy now?
0:11:01 > 0:11:06Cecil, there appears to be a naked man in my throne room.
0:11:06 > 0:11:09- There does indeed, Your Majesty. - Is there a law against it?
0:11:09 > 0:11:13Not yet, Your Majesty, not yet.
0:11:22 > 0:11:26Hello and welcome to Aztec Gardeners World.
0:11:26 > 0:11:29So today we're going to be showing you a sure-fire way
0:11:29 > 0:11:33to make your crops flourish with the Aztec sprinkler system.
0:11:33 > 0:11:34Sounds boring if you ask me!
0:11:34 > 0:11:37Yeah, but nobody asked you though, did they?
0:11:37 > 0:11:41So we're going to need some tools. HE YAWNS
0:11:41 > 0:11:45- You need a bow and plenty of arrows. - Oh, that's more like it.
0:11:45 > 0:11:47We're going to need some red paint
0:11:47 > 0:11:50and of course, a person to sacrifice.
0:11:50 > 0:11:54An enemy warrior is best, but an annoying assistant will do.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57You're kidding... You're kidding, right?
0:11:57 > 0:11:58So, first of all,
0:11:58 > 0:12:03you need to paint a nice, big, red spot directly over his heart.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05OK...
0:12:05 > 0:12:08This is important because you don't want an arrow to hit his heart.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10Right!
0:12:10 > 0:12:12That way, he would die far too quickly.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15What you need is the first dozen or so arrows
0:12:15 > 0:12:17to hit different parts of his body,
0:12:17 > 0:12:21that way the blood from the wounds will spray out in all directions,
0:12:21 > 0:12:23a bit like an Aztec sprinkler system,
0:12:23 > 0:12:26making the earth richer for your crops.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30He's gone, hasn't he?
0:12:31 > 0:12:33Join me next week when I'll be telling you how to get
0:12:33 > 0:12:36the sun to shine directly onto your garden
0:12:36 > 0:12:40by sacrificing 10,000 people to the sun god.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43We all know who's going to be first in line.
0:12:43 > 0:12:44Bye-bye for now.
0:12:44 > 0:12:50Angry Aztec priests would sacrifice about 50,000 victims a year!
0:12:50 > 0:12:53That's nothing - I can kill that many fleas just by having a bath.
0:12:53 > 0:12:57Ou-ou-ou-ouch! Just kidding, guys, you know I'd never have a wash!
0:12:57 > 0:13:00Yes, those Aztecs did an awful lot of sacrificing.
0:13:00 > 0:13:05'Don't miss this year's must-have board game, Aztec Whodunnit-o.
0:13:07 > 0:13:10'See if you can work who's to blame for the murder.'
0:13:10 > 0:13:13Was it the high priest, with the sacrificial dagger,
0:13:13 > 0:13:15on top of the pyramid?
0:13:15 > 0:13:16Yes, it was!
0:13:16 > 0:13:17Not over yet.
0:13:17 > 0:13:21'With thousands of sacrifices to the sun god every week,
0:13:21 > 0:13:22'it's a game you can play again...'
0:13:22 > 0:13:25Was it the high priest, with the sacrificial dagger,
0:13:25 > 0:13:26on top of the pyramid?
0:13:26 > 0:13:29Yes, it was!
0:13:29 > 0:13:31I'll go out on a limb here - was it the high priest,
0:13:31 > 0:13:34with the sacrificial dagger, on top of the pyramid?
0:13:34 > 0:13:37- Yes, it was.- Get in!
0:13:37 > 0:13:40- Come on, Mum.- Come on, Linda.
0:13:40 > 0:13:41OK, don't hurry me.
0:13:41 > 0:13:46Was it the emperor, with the club, in the throne room?
0:13:46 > 0:13:48No, it was the...
0:13:48 > 0:13:53ALL: High priest, with the sacrificial dagger, on top of the pyramid!
0:13:53 > 0:13:55Silly mummy.
0:13:55 > 0:13:59'Aztec Whodunnit-o. Hours of gruesome fun for all the family.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01'Available while the Aztec Empire lasts.'
0:14:09 > 0:14:12# We're Aztec priests So mind your head.
0:14:12 > 0:14:16# Our prisoners always wind up dead Our favourite colour is blood-red
0:14:16 > 0:14:18# We're not nice
0:14:18 > 0:14:20# At an Aztec temple's opening day
0:14:20 > 0:14:22# We priests would please Our gods this way
0:14:22 > 0:14:26# Hearts of venom means we'd slay Mass sacrifice
0:14:26 > 0:14:29# To win at war, may crops grow more
0:14:29 > 0:14:31# To cure our kids when ill
0:14:31 > 0:14:33# The sun to shine This song to rhyme
0:14:33 > 0:14:35# More victims we must kill
0:14:35 > 0:14:37# Ha, ha, ha, ha
0:14:37 > 0:14:39# You won't survive You won't survive
0:14:39 > 0:14:41# Ha, ha, ha, ha
0:14:41 > 0:14:44# Ain't stayin' alive Ain't stayin' alive
0:14:44 > 0:14:45# Yeah
0:14:45 > 0:14:48# We'll sacrifice We priests appease
0:14:48 > 0:14:50# Our gods each powerful big cheese
0:14:50 > 0:14:52# Let's hear it for your Favourites please
0:14:52 > 0:14:54# Ahh-ahhh
0:14:54 > 0:14:56# We're doing it for Toci
0:14:56 > 0:14:58# The Aztec goddess of the earth's heart
0:14:58 > 0:15:01# We're doing it for Chantico
0:15:01 > 0:15:03# Goddess who makes volcanoes start
0:15:03 > 0:15:05# We're doing it for Itzli
0:15:05 > 0:15:07# The goddess of stone knives
0:15:07 > 0:15:09# We're doing it for...
0:15:09 > 0:15:13THEY SING GARBLED NAMES
0:15:13 > 0:15:16# Some other gods great lives
0:15:16 > 0:15:17# Ha, ha, ha, ha
0:15:17 > 0:15:20# Don't cross us Aztecs we advise ya
0:15:20 > 0:15:22# Ha, ha, ha, ha
0:15:22 > 0:15:24# Or you'll end up as fertiliser
0:15:24 > 0:15:26# Yeah
0:15:26 > 0:15:28# Our year starts in November
0:15:28 > 0:15:31# When every priestly member
0:15:31 > 0:15:32# Is asked if they'll remember
0:15:32 > 0:15:34# Our Aztec dead
0:15:34 > 0:15:36# We do this if you haven't guessed
0:15:36 > 0:15:39# By getting something off your chest
0:15:39 > 0:15:43# Your heart would probably be best Or else your head
0:15:43 > 0:15:45# And then on our year planners
0:15:45 > 0:15:47# It's the raising of the banners
0:15:47 > 0:15:49# And it's only polite manners
0:15:49 > 0:15:52# To kill more guys
0:15:52 > 0:15:56# December and January Dismembering methods vary
0:15:56 > 0:16:00# All you need to know Is that we pile 'em high
0:16:00 > 0:16:04# May and June it's summertime The killing is easy
0:16:04 > 0:16:06# It's only halfway through the year
0:16:06 > 0:16:08# Bet your feeling queasy
0:16:08 > 0:16:13# In autumn time we sweep our homes And kill some more but then
0:16:13 > 0:16:18# By late October the killings over Then it starts up again
0:16:18 > 0:16:19# Ha, ha, ha, ha
0:16:19 > 0:16:21# You won't survive You won't survive
0:16:21 > 0:16:23# Ha, ha, ha, ha
0:16:23 > 0:16:26# Ain't stayin' alive Ain't stayin' alive
0:16:26 > 0:16:28# Ha, ha, ha, ha
0:16:28 > 0:16:30# Want to live until you're old
0:16:30 > 0:16:32# Ha, ha, ha, ha
0:16:32 > 0:16:35# Avoid us priests You've been told. #
0:16:40 > 0:16:43Not all of the troops fighting in the trenches in World War One
0:16:43 > 0:16:45were quite what you'd expect.
0:16:47 > 0:16:52Sergeant, I thought I'd make a quick spot inspection while it's, erm...
0:16:52 > 0:16:56Nice and safe while the enemy aren't shooting at us, sir?
0:16:56 > 0:16:59Well, yes. I thought I'd take a look at our frontline troops.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02British fighting man's the best in the world!
0:17:02 > 0:17:06Yes, indeed, sir. Well, the, erm, MEN are ready for you, sir.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08Oh, very good.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13Attention!
0:17:14 > 0:17:18Sergeant, they appear to be women and a boy.
0:17:18 > 0:17:22Yes, sir, but only physically sir. Legally they're men.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24I've seen their sign-up papers.
0:17:24 > 0:17:26They all clearly lied when they signed up, then.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29I mean, this one here's practically a child.
0:17:29 > 0:17:33According to his papers he's 36 and married with three children.
0:17:33 > 0:17:37Let's face it, the British army's so desperate we'll let anyone in.
0:17:37 > 0:17:41Well, what happens when a great strapping German division attacks?
0:17:41 > 0:17:45We're about to find out, sir, they're in the trench.
0:17:46 > 0:17:49Here they come.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51What on earth is going on, sergeant?
0:17:51 > 0:17:55It seems the Germans have a similar situation,
0:17:55 > 0:17:57their army's packed full of pensioners.
0:18:01 > 0:18:03I think he died of old age.
0:18:03 > 0:18:08Well, keep up the good work. Carry on men...women, boys.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10That's the spirit, sir.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30The answer is C...
0:18:32 > 0:18:34..and lice weren't the only problem
0:18:34 > 0:18:36in the trenches.
0:18:36 > 0:18:41HHTV games presents, the ultimate World War One trench experience,
0:18:41 > 0:18:42Splat That Rat.
0:18:42 > 0:18:45Your trench is infested with rats, carrying disease
0:18:45 > 0:18:46and stealing your food.
0:18:46 > 0:18:49It's time to Splat That Rat.
0:18:49 > 0:18:53'Level one. Select bait - processed meat, cheese,
0:18:53 > 0:18:55'manky old stale bread.
0:18:55 > 0:18:58'Manky old stale bread selected.
0:18:58 > 0:19:02'Level one. Weapon - spade. Bonus gadget - torch.'
0:19:02 > 0:19:05It's night. Scatter bait on the ground and wait till
0:19:05 > 0:19:09you hear the rats arrive, then turn on the torch and Splat That Rat.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11Gotcha!
0:19:13 > 0:19:15Oh, that's my foot!
0:19:15 > 0:19:19'Level two. Bonus weapon - cordite explosive.'
0:19:19 > 0:19:21This time you have to smoke 'em out.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24Put the cordite at the entrance to the rat hole and light it.
0:19:24 > 0:19:27The smoke will drive out those rats so you can splat 'em.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29'Warning - do not use too much cordite.'
0:19:29 > 0:19:32Now she tells me.
0:19:32 > 0:19:35'Level three. Select bait - cheese selected.
0:19:35 > 0:19:39'Level three. Weapon - rifle. Bonus weapon - bayonet.'
0:19:39 > 0:19:42Place the bayonet on the end of your rifle,
0:19:42 > 0:19:44put the cheese on the end of the bayonet,
0:19:44 > 0:19:47then wait till a rat begins to nibble on the cheese
0:19:47 > 0:19:49and pull the trigger.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52'Warning, make sure rifle isn't aimed at fellow soldier.'
0:19:52 > 0:19:54ARGH! That's my foot!
0:19:54 > 0:19:56Sorry.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59Right stop this sketch, stop the sketch!
0:19:59 > 0:20:00That's huge!
0:20:00 > 0:20:03Honestly, who wants to hear how they killed rats in the trenches?
0:20:03 > 0:20:05You might well run away!
0:20:05 > 0:20:08A line of decency has most definitely been crossed here,
0:20:08 > 0:20:10if there's any more nonsense like this,
0:20:10 > 0:20:13I shall be writing a stiff letter of complaint to the Daily Mail!
0:20:13 > 0:20:16You know I will. You know I will!
0:20:22 > 0:20:24In today's busy Roman Empire,
0:20:24 > 0:20:27nothing is more important than staying in touch,
0:20:27 > 0:20:29which is why you need...
0:20:33 > 0:20:36Tabellarii Messenger, da-da-da-da, what is your message?
0:20:36 > 0:20:41"Hi Hels my BFF TLK L8R smiley face."
0:20:41 > 0:20:46"Hi Hels my BFF TLK L8R smiley face."
0:20:46 > 0:20:48Perfect. Send.
0:20:48 > 0:20:52Our unique network of straight roads reaching around the Roman Empire,
0:20:52 > 0:20:56means with Tabellarii it's never been quicker to connect with people.
0:20:56 > 0:20:59Tabellarii Messenger, da-da-da-da.
0:20:59 > 0:21:05Message reads, "Hi Hels my BFF TLK L8R smiley face."
0:21:05 > 0:21:07Reply with, "GR8."
0:21:07 > 0:21:10- Is that it?- Yeah, send.
0:21:10 > 0:21:12So whether it's business...
0:21:12 > 0:21:17"Enemy's approaching. Send help. Send reinforcements." Send!
0:21:17 > 0:21:18..or just a friendly chat.
0:21:18 > 0:21:22"OMG YG2BK winking smiley..."
0:21:22 > 0:21:25The Tabellarii are always there at the bargain price
0:21:25 > 0:21:29of a little food and water a month for unlimited messages.
0:21:29 > 0:21:30Tabellarius!
0:21:30 > 0:21:32Tabellarius!
0:21:32 > 0:21:36And like all slaves, the Tabellarii come with a lifelong contract.
0:21:36 > 0:21:39Oh, no! Heart attack, sad face.
0:21:39 > 0:21:42Which expires once you've worked them to death.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45Oh, no. I think he's run out of juice.
0:21:45 > 0:21:46Who are you?
0:21:46 > 0:21:49- Bing-bong-bung-bing, free upgrade. - Smiley face.
0:21:54 > 0:21:58As well as our sophisticated Tabellarii messaging system,
0:21:58 > 0:22:01us Romans were also hot on security.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04So to help keep the peace, the gates of Rome were heavily guarded.
0:22:06 > 0:22:09Stop looking so nervous, you'll draw attention to yourself.
0:22:09 > 0:22:13Easy for you to say, you're not smuggling weapons into the city.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15We've got to get them in there somehow.
0:22:15 > 0:22:18How else will we overthrow the Emperor?
0:22:18 > 0:22:20If they catch me they'll kill me.
0:22:20 > 0:22:24Listen, you'll be fine, no-one's going to know you're a soldier,
0:22:24 > 0:22:26the guards won't give you a second look.
0:22:26 > 0:22:30- Now, are you ready? - No.- Good lad.
0:22:35 > 0:22:36Spot check, sir.
0:22:36 > 0:22:40- Sorry?- Spot check, Emperor Constantine's orders.
0:22:40 > 0:22:43Some dangerous elements are attempting to gain entry
0:22:43 > 0:22:47to the great city of Rome, so we're doing a few random checks.
0:22:47 > 0:22:50- You don't mind if I look in the bag, sir?- Erm, actually...
0:22:50 > 0:22:55- It won't take a moment. - HE WHISTLES
0:22:55 > 0:22:58Hello, what have we here? Swords?
0:22:58 > 0:23:00I can explain.
0:23:00 > 0:23:04- Spear tips!- Yeah, about those. - And daggers as well.
0:23:04 > 0:23:05It's not what it looks like.
0:23:05 > 0:23:09You're not, by any chance, in the army, are we, sir?
0:23:09 > 0:23:11No, honestly, I'm not.
0:23:13 > 0:23:16- Well, that's all right then. - What?- That's all right.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19As long as you're not in the army, no armed soldiers are allowed
0:23:19 > 0:23:23inside the city walls in case they start a military rebellion,
0:23:23 > 0:23:26last thing we want is the Emperor being overthrown, eh?
0:23:26 > 0:23:27HE LAUGHS
0:23:27 > 0:23:29So I'm guessing this lot is,
0:23:29 > 0:23:32what is that, like self-defence or something?
0:23:32 > 0:23:33Yeah, self-defence.
0:23:33 > 0:23:37Well, you can be on your way, unless you've anything else to declare?
0:23:37 > 0:23:39No, no, just these offensive weapons.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42Unless I'm supposed to declare my lunch?
0:23:42 > 0:23:44Oh, don't tempt me sir,
0:23:44 > 0:23:46on a long shift like this I would murder a chicken leg.
0:23:46 > 0:23:49- Can't help you there, all I've got is this sausage.- Sausage!
0:23:49 > 0:23:53- You're under arrest, traitor.- What?!
0:23:53 > 0:23:56Trying to bring sausages into a civilised city like Rome
0:23:56 > 0:23:58is strictly forbidden by Emperor Constantine himself!
0:23:58 > 0:24:02That is food of the barbarians, it is beneath us.
0:24:02 > 0:24:05Falco, take this sausage smuggler away and put him in a cell.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07Wait, wait, it's not really a sausage,
0:24:07 > 0:24:13it's more of a frankfurter. Think of it as a tubular burger. Please!
0:24:13 > 0:24:17It's true! Weapons were allowed to be carried by body guards,
0:24:17 > 0:24:19so they could be taken into Rome.
0:24:19 > 0:24:23But sometimes sausages were banned! It was believed this barbarian food
0:24:23 > 0:24:27would turn civilised Romans into hairy barbarians.
0:24:27 > 0:24:31Not that there's anything wrong with being hairy.
0:24:35 > 0:24:39It's day one of Medieval Come Dine With Me
0:24:39 > 0:24:44and wealthy castlewife, Lady Cranky Portcullis is finishing her banquet.
0:24:44 > 0:24:48Right, I've gone for the classic meat and two meats,
0:24:48 > 0:24:50lamb, beef and hedgehog.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53Hm, hm, hm, meaty! There's just one problem.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55It's not Friday today, is it?
0:24:55 > 0:24:56Doh!
0:24:56 > 0:24:59We can't eat meat on a Friday, the church has banned it.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01Huh, silly, silly me!
0:25:03 > 0:25:08Right, where can one get some fresh fish at such short notice?
0:25:08 > 0:25:11Oh, I know, the castle moat, huh.
0:25:11 > 0:25:13A net should do it.
0:25:13 > 0:25:16Most of the fish are floating on the surface for some reason, anyway.
0:25:16 > 0:25:21Come on Lady Cranky, the guests will be here soon. Oh, they're here!
0:25:21 > 0:25:23And first in is lowly peasant Cybil.
0:25:23 > 0:25:27- Hello!- Can I just say, I love your castle.
0:25:27 > 0:25:31Oh! Oh! You've got an outdoor shower!
0:25:31 > 0:25:33Oh! No, no, that'll be one of the guards
0:25:33 > 0:25:36weeing from the battlements. Come on.
0:25:36 > 0:25:39Next is Marcus, a student monk.
0:25:39 > 0:25:41- Hello!- Hello. H...
0:25:41 > 0:25:45Oh, dear...have you just broken your vow of silence? Oh.
0:25:45 > 0:25:48Oh, that is disgusting, I, oh...
0:25:50 > 0:25:54Last to arrive is Derek, who commits the ultimate social faux pas,
0:25:54 > 0:25:57of dying of the plague the moment he steps through the door.
0:25:57 > 0:25:58What an idiot.
0:25:58 > 0:26:01Oh! Get him off me, oh!
0:26:01 > 0:26:05Before dinner, Lady Cranky takes Cybil on a tour of the castle.
0:26:05 > 0:26:08And this is the guardrobe.
0:26:08 > 0:26:10Oh, what's one of those?
0:26:10 > 0:26:13Oh, every good castle has one, it's a sort of walk-in wardrobe,
0:26:13 > 0:26:16kitted out with a special device to keep the moths away.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19- A toilet.- Do you mind?!
0:26:20 > 0:26:22Oh, fancy.
0:26:22 > 0:26:25Apparently, the moths can't stand the smell so they keep away
0:26:25 > 0:26:27and your clothes don't get nibbled.
0:26:27 > 0:26:30Do you see, no more embarrassing holes.
0:26:30 > 0:26:32No, just an embarrassing stink!
0:26:32 > 0:26:35Right, bon appetit!
0:26:37 > 0:26:39First impressions?
0:26:39 > 0:26:43Well, it does look and smell a bit..
0:26:43 > 0:26:46- ..pooey. - This fish is fresh from our moat.
0:26:46 > 0:26:49Yes, where it's been eating all the sewage from the toilet, you numpty.
0:26:49 > 0:26:51- Marcus.- Yes?
0:26:51 > 0:26:53Come on, say when.
0:26:54 > 0:26:56When. When!
0:26:56 > 0:26:57Good man!
0:26:57 > 0:27:00Erm, when! WHEN!
0:27:03 > 0:27:06Marcus, lost for words there.
0:27:06 > 0:27:08Time for those all-important scores.
0:27:08 > 0:27:11Well, I thought the food was...
0:27:13 > 0:27:15It's a two from Marcus.
0:27:15 > 0:27:18A nought from Cybil, which just leaves Derek.
0:27:18 > 0:27:21It's a ten! Sort of.
0:27:21 > 0:27:25Marcus the monk's turn tomorrow. Hope everyone likes bread and water.
0:27:25 > 0:27:28# Tall tales, atrocious acts, we gave You all the fearsome facts... #
0:27:28 > 0:27:30Want some more Horrible Histories?
0:27:30 > 0:27:32Then come with me down the time sewers,
0:27:32 > 0:27:36just go to the CBBC website and click on Horrible Histories.
0:27:36 > 0:27:37See you down there!
0:27:37 > 0:27:40Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd