0:00:01 > 0:00:04# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians
0:00:04 > 0:00:06# Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights
0:00:06 > 0:00:10# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians
0:00:10 > 0:00:13# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times
0:00:13 > 0:00:15# Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless
0:00:15 > 0:00:18# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages
0:00:18 > 0:00:23# Gory stories, we do that And your host, a talking rat
0:00:23 > 0:00:27# The past is no longer a mystery Welcome to...
0:00:27 > 0:00:32# Horrible Histories. #
0:00:37 > 0:00:40When King Charles I faced war in Scotland everyone was
0:00:40 > 0:00:41expected to do their bit.
0:00:43 > 0:00:47As we gather here today to worship, let us spare a thought
0:00:47 > 0:00:52for the brave husbands and sons who also gather in preparation
0:00:52 > 0:00:55to fight for King Charles against the threat of Scotland.
0:00:55 > 0:00:58Let us ask ourselves, "What can we do?"
0:00:58 > 0:01:02We can give them donations.
0:01:02 > 0:01:06I have placed receptacles for your donations under your chairs.
0:01:06 > 0:01:10The Army has asked that you donate your wee-wee.
0:01:10 > 0:01:14The makers of gunpowder for our troops are desperate,
0:01:14 > 0:01:16as are, hopefully some of you.
0:01:16 > 0:01:19They need women's urine,
0:01:19 > 0:01:23a vital ingredient in their manufacturing of saltpetre.
0:01:23 > 0:01:24Just the women?
0:01:24 > 0:01:29Yes, Old Tom, apparently their urine works better.
0:01:29 > 0:01:32Because I really need to go.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34Ah, thank you Mrs Carroll,
0:01:34 > 0:01:36your son will be most proud.
0:01:36 > 0:01:40A grateful nation thanks you, Mrs Buttnam.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42Oh, praise be,
0:01:42 > 0:01:45why a veritable waterfall of thanks
0:01:45 > 0:01:47for our young men and boys.
0:01:47 > 0:01:48PLOP!
0:01:49 > 0:01:52That wasn't very helpful, Mrs Foster.
0:01:52 > 0:01:53Sorry.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58Ha-ha-ha. It's true.
0:01:58 > 0:02:03In the late 1630s, wee was collected from churches to make gunpowder.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06Ha-ha-ha. No, really.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08Whoo - I've just weed myself.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10How strangely appropriate!
0:02:10 > 0:02:13I can tell you someone who wouldn't find that funny.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16Puritan misery guts, Oliver Cromwell.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19Truly Lady Fortune smiles on me this day.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22Finally I get to paint Mr Cromwell himself.
0:02:22 > 0:02:23Yeah, good luck with that.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25Boss, I've got that painter for you.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28An honour, sir, for which I'm simply not worthy.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30DRAMATIC MUSIC
0:02:30 > 0:02:33What is it? Something on my face? Breakfast?
0:02:33 > 0:02:34No, sir, nothing of the wart.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37THUNDEROUS MUSIC Nothing of the sort.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39I've asked you here, Mr Lely,
0:02:39 > 0:02:42because I have seen your portrait of the late Charles I.
0:02:42 > 0:02:45- One of my finest.- I wish for mine to look nothing like that.
0:02:45 > 0:02:48None of his regal fancifulness, I just want you to paint me as I am.
0:02:48 > 0:02:51- Is there anything you need? - Just a glass of wart...
0:02:51 > 0:02:53DRAMATIC MUSIC
0:02:53 > 0:02:54..a glass of water, please.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57Guard, fetch Mr Lely some water.
0:02:57 > 0:03:01Now, sir, may I ask, how much would sir like to look like sir?
0:03:01 > 0:03:03What do you mean, look like sir?
0:03:03 > 0:03:06Well, how can I put this? I have been known in the past
0:03:06 > 0:03:08to emphasise my subject's best features
0:03:08 > 0:03:12and to hide their not so good ones. Thank you, you're a stal-wart.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14THUNDEROUS MUSIC
0:03:14 > 0:03:16Mr Lely, I just want you to paint me as I am.
0:03:16 > 0:03:20- I won't stand for flattery. - Of course. But would sir prefer
0:03:20 > 0:03:23if I overlooked certain minor blemishes in the facial area?
0:03:23 > 0:03:26- Are you talking about the warts? - Warts? I see no warts.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29These bad boys. The one that looks like my nose, only bigger,
0:03:29 > 0:03:31and one that could easily be mistaken for my chin.
0:03:31 > 0:03:35Oh, yes, so there are. They look like a couple of beauty spots to me.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37Warts, they are warts, big old whopping warts.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40- I like to call a wart a wart, Mr Lely.- If you say so, sir.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42I wish you to paint me, warts and all.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44So shall it be.
0:03:44 > 0:03:45Wart-ever you say.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47Don't push it.
0:03:47 > 0:03:48Really sorry.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56Did you know there really was
0:03:56 > 0:04:00a Dick Whittington in the Middle Ages who was Mayor of London?
0:04:06 > 0:04:09Hello. I am Sir Richard Whittington.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11Four times Lord Mayor of London,
0:04:11 > 0:04:15and I believe I have a very important film idea for you.
0:04:15 > 0:04:18Cor, blimey, Dick Whittington.
0:04:18 > 0:04:22Can I just say straight off the old cricket bat how very excited
0:04:22 > 0:04:26we is to have you on this project, apples and pears, what...
0:04:26 > 0:04:29- OK, go ahead, Dick, shoot. - Actually, I prefer Sir Richard.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32- Whatever you say, Dick. - Sir Richard's fine with us, Dick.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34It's a yes from me, Dick.
0:04:34 > 0:04:38OK, right, well this is the story of my life.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41- Great, who do you see playing the talking cat?- The cat thing again.
0:04:41 > 0:04:44- We're thinking Eddie Murphy. - Eddie Murphy!
0:04:44 > 0:04:45Listen, I get this a lot.
0:04:45 > 0:04:49The panto is loosely based on me,
0:04:49 > 0:04:52this is a true story of my life, a political drama.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54Oh, yeah, sure, a political drama.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56- With a talking cat.- For kids. - I love it.
0:04:56 > 0:05:01I'm a serious politician, I've built churches, hospitals, improved
0:05:01 > 0:05:05sanitation. I created the first public toilet in London.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08- The thing is, your idea is poo. - It stinks.- It stinks of poo.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11- This is a true story.- I can't hear him above the hum of poo.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14How do you feel about Keira Knightley playing you?
0:05:14 > 0:05:17- Keira Knightley! - Why would a woman play me? I'm a man!
0:05:17 > 0:05:18A pooey man.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20Tradition, you're always played by a woman.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22My life is not like the panto.
0:05:22 > 0:05:25- Can Keira sing?- Oh, we can dub it. Lady Gaga can do the songs.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27- "I'm a little monster." - A musical?!
0:05:27 > 0:05:30Do you know what you get if you take the first letters
0:05:30 > 0:05:32of a musical comedy panto for kids with a talking cat?
0:05:32 > 0:05:34- It spells H-I-T...- Hit!
0:05:34 > 0:05:38Your streets paved with gold, our cinemas filled with gold.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41No, no, no, I am an important figure in the history of London
0:05:41 > 0:05:44and I will not stand here and watch you turn
0:05:44 > 0:05:46my life story into a farce. Good day.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48- Turn again, Dick Whittington.- Bong!
0:05:48 > 0:05:50- Turn again, Dick Whittington.- Bong!
0:05:50 > 0:05:54- Turn again, Dick Whittington, thrice Lord Mayor of London.- Bong!
0:05:54 > 0:05:56I was Lord Mayor four times, not three.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59- He's behind you. - BOTH: Oh, no, he isn't!
0:05:59 > 0:06:02- Oh, yes, he is! Nice guy. - Super nice.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04I liked him a lot.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07Yes, Sir Richard Whittington really was a real guy.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10But he was nothing like the pantomime hero you've heard of.
0:06:10 > 0:06:15Oh, no. As mayor, he was famous for building a huge public toilet.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17The streets of London had been really messy,
0:06:17 > 0:06:21which explains why his Puss had to wear boots. Ha-ha-ha.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24Just kidding, Sir Richard. Just kidding.
0:06:29 > 0:06:33You may have heard of the Spanish Armada in 1588.
0:06:33 > 0:06:35But did you know that wasn't their
0:06:35 > 0:06:38only attempt to overthrow Elizabeth I?
0:06:41 > 0:06:44'He was the most powerful man in the world.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46'Ruler of a huge empire.'
0:06:46 > 0:06:48I will invade England with the most
0:06:48 > 0:06:50terrible force of battleships
0:06:50 > 0:06:51ever seen.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54I shall call it, "The most terrible
0:06:54 > 0:06:56"force of battleships ever seen."
0:06:56 > 0:06:59Or you could call it the Armada, Your Majesty.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02Yes, catchy. It feels better.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06'Only one man stood between Philip and his prize.'
0:07:06 > 0:07:08That'll be me.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10'Introducing Sir Francis Drake
0:07:10 > 0:07:12'as Vice Admiral of the English navy.'
0:07:12 > 0:07:14Make the fleet ready to sail.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16Tell Drake this Armada must be
0:07:16 > 0:07:18stopped at all costs.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20'He was a man with a plan.'
0:07:20 > 0:07:23We shall blow up the Spanish cork factory at Cadiz.
0:07:23 > 0:07:27- Erm, why?- No cork, no barrels. No barrels, no freshwater.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29No freshwater, no Armada.
0:07:29 > 0:07:32- Brilliant.- I am, aren't I?
0:07:32 > 0:07:36So, to cut a long story short, no cork, no Armada.
0:07:36 > 0:07:37I'll be back.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40- Oh, good catchphrase. - Gracias.- De nada.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42Better luck next time!
0:07:44 > 0:07:49'This time, it's judgement year.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51'He was the most powerful man.'
0:07:51 > 0:07:54Yada-yada. We know this bit. Is my Armada ready?
0:07:54 > 0:07:55It is, sire.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57- Do my barrels have corks? - They do, sire.
0:07:57 > 0:08:01Nothing can stop us now. Oh, oh, I'm bad.
0:08:01 > 0:08:04'Only one man stood between Philip and his prize.'
0:08:04 > 0:08:06Oh, not him again!
0:08:06 > 0:08:08Set fire to some of our ships.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10Erm, why?
0:08:10 > 0:08:13We sail these fire ships towards the Spanish fleet,
0:08:13 > 0:08:16the Spanish will panic, cut their anchor lines and set sail.
0:08:16 > 0:08:21With any luck the strong winds will destroy this Armada.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23'A man with a plan. And some lucky wind.'
0:08:23 > 0:08:27It is a disaster, master. We have lost more than 50 ships.
0:08:27 > 0:08:30And now the good news?
0:08:30 > 0:08:33Erm, it's venison for supper.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35Destroyed by the weather, you say.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38Ha-ha-ha, that is the funniest thing I've ever heard.
0:08:38 > 0:08:44Apart from Sir Walter Raleigh's joke about the bear with the big paws!
0:08:44 > 0:08:47I'll be back. I think, probably.
0:08:48 > 0:08:53'This must be judgement year.'
0:08:53 > 0:08:56What news of my new Armada? Has it at last been successful?
0:08:56 > 0:09:00- It has caused minor damage to Mousehole.- Mousehole?
0:09:00 > 0:09:05An inconsequential little village in Cornwall, yeah.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08I'll be back. Maybe, it might take a while.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths
0:09:14 > 0:09:16# They're funny cos they're true
0:09:16 > 0:09:19# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths
0:09:19 > 0:09:22# Hope next time it's not you, hee-hee! #
0:09:22 > 0:09:24One, two, three. Hah!
0:09:24 > 0:09:27Scissors beats paper. I win. One, two, three. Hah!
0:09:27 > 0:09:30Scissors beats paper. I win. Oh, I'm bored now.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32Why do you keep doing paper? That's not how you play it.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35Oh, grow up. Next! And you are?
0:09:35 > 0:09:37Thomas Curtes of Suffolk.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40And is your death, by any chance, arrow-related?
0:09:40 > 0:09:44Yes it is, I'm a Tudor archer, how did you know that?
0:09:44 > 0:09:47Just a lucky guess. Come on then, let's be hearing you.
0:09:47 > 0:09:51Well, one fine summer's evening I was out practising my archery
0:09:51 > 0:09:54when I spotted a friend, by the name of Richard Lirence.
0:09:54 > 0:09:55Richard is a fine archer.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58So I thought it would be quite funny to give him
0:09:58 > 0:10:00- a bit of a challenge, right?- Yes.
0:10:00 > 0:10:06So, I yelled out to him, "Richard, I bet you can't hit my hat!"
0:10:06 > 0:10:08Turns out I was right.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
0:10:11 > 0:10:14Fortunately, he missed your brain.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16Not sure I get that.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19Proving my point. You're through to the afterlife.
0:10:19 > 0:10:23Oh, priceless! Next!
0:10:23 > 0:10:25Whoa, hold the mustard!
0:10:25 > 0:10:28We've got another contender. And you are?
0:10:28 > 0:10:30Henry Pert of Nottinghamshire.
0:10:30 > 0:10:34Is your death, by any chance, arrow-related?
0:10:34 > 0:10:37Yes, it is, I'm a Tudor archer, how did you know?
0:10:37 > 0:10:40Just a lucky guess, again. Come on then, let's hear your story.
0:10:40 > 0:10:44Well, I pulled my bow back to its full extent to loose
0:10:44 > 0:10:46an arrow straight into the air,
0:10:46 > 0:10:49only I had pulled it back so far, the arrow got lodged in the bow,
0:10:49 > 0:10:54- so I've leant over to have a look at what's going on there...- Yes?
0:10:54 > 0:10:56Twang. Went in my head.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58Ha-ha-ha-ha.
0:10:58 > 0:11:02The Most Embarrassing Tudor Archery Death Award goes to
0:11:02 > 0:11:04Henry the plonker!
0:11:04 > 0:11:07- You are through to the afterlife. - Nice one, mate.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10I tell you, this job just gets better and better.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12I get it now, cos I haven't got a brain.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14Out!
0:11:14 > 0:11:16Well, there are some drawbacks.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths
0:11:18 > 0:11:22# Hope next time it's not you! Hoo-hoo! #
0:11:22 > 0:11:24'They're back.
0:11:25 > 0:11:29'Maybe this is judgement year. Spanish Armada IV.'
0:11:29 > 0:11:33I don't care what happens as long as my fleet of 140 galleons
0:11:33 > 0:11:36wasn't wrecked by storms off the English coast.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38It wasn't. It never got that far.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40It was wrecked by storms off the Spanish coast.
0:11:40 > 0:11:44- OK, that's it, we're done here. - Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
0:11:45 > 0:11:50'Judgement. Let's face it, it's not going to be judgement year.
0:11:52 > 0:11:56Storms again? I won't be back.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07Hi, I'm a hot Egyptian scientist,
0:12:07 > 0:12:10and welcome to Wonders Of The Egyptian Universe.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13You know, we ancient Egyptians were amazing scientists.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15With nothing but bits of string and wood and maths,
0:12:15 > 0:12:17lovely magnificent mathematics,
0:12:17 > 0:12:20we were able to construct perfectly shaped pyramids choosing
0:12:20 > 0:12:25millions of stones to an accuracy of 0.05%.
0:12:25 > 0:12:26Can you imagine that?
0:12:26 > 0:12:28Are you imagining it? Amazing.
0:12:28 > 0:12:32And, it was us Egyptians who first tracked the movements of the stars.
0:12:32 > 0:12:36Using them to align our buildings in perfect symmetry with the heavens.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38Perfect symmetry. Amazing.
0:12:38 > 0:12:42And, it was us Egyptians who realised that the Pharaoh had to perform
0:12:42 > 0:12:46a magic ceremony in the mornings, otherwise the sun wouldn't rise.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48'Sorry, Brian, what was that last bit?'
0:12:48 > 0:12:52Before us Egyptians, no-one had any idea that the sun
0:12:52 > 0:12:55travelled across the sky by being rolled by a dung beetle.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58Whoa, stop you there. A dung beetle?
0:12:58 > 0:13:00A vast, giant dung beetle called Khepri.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02It's ancient Egyptian scientific fact.
0:13:02 > 0:13:03All right, reality check, Brian.
0:13:03 > 0:13:07If this dung beetle is so massive, why can't we see it?
0:13:07 > 0:13:10A giant, vast, invisible dung beetle.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13OK, you were actually doing really well up until the Pharaoh
0:13:13 > 0:13:16and the dung beetle, but that is just crazy.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18How else is the sun going to travel across the sky,
0:13:18 > 0:13:19is it just going to stand still,
0:13:19 > 0:13:24while this entire massive planet revolves all by itself?!
0:13:24 > 0:13:27I'm talking about ancient Egyptian scientific fact here.
0:13:27 > 0:13:28Sure about that, Brian?
0:13:28 > 0:13:30How else would it get to the other end of the sky
0:13:30 > 0:13:32where it gets eaten by a cow goddess?
0:13:32 > 0:13:34OK, I've heard enough, fellas.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36No, I haven't told you about the planets.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39How they're actually gods who can predict the future.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42It's ancient Egyptian scientific fact. It's amazing.
0:13:43 > 0:13:46And if you thought our SCIENCE was complicated,
0:13:46 > 0:13:50you should try getting into Egyptian heaven which involved a very
0:13:50 > 0:13:54tricky journey through the underworld, known as the Duat.
0:13:57 > 0:14:00'Do you have what it takes to navigate your way through the Duat,
0:14:00 > 0:14:03'and make it to ancient Egyptian heaven?'
0:14:04 > 0:14:08'Survive the unforgiving terrain, making your way past rivers of fire,
0:14:08 > 0:14:10'and boiling lakes.'
0:14:10 > 0:14:12This might take a while.
0:14:13 > 0:14:16'Fend off attacks from ferocious wild animals crocodiles,
0:14:16 > 0:14:18'snakes and beetles.'
0:14:18 > 0:14:21Beetles, beetles, beetles, please let it be beetles.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26Giant beetle! Giant beetle! Pause the game.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29Well, at least tell me what weapon I get to defend myself with.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32'Weapons? Oh, no, you don't get any weapons, just this.
0:14:32 > 0:14:33'The Book Of The Dead.'
0:14:33 > 0:14:37Look out, giant man-eating beetle. I'm packing a scroll.
0:14:37 > 0:14:40'It's full of spells to defeat your tormentors.'
0:14:40 > 0:14:44- OK, that could work.- 'The player must use the various control pad key
0:14:44 > 0:14:47'combinations to enact the right spells.'
0:14:47 > 0:14:48Gotcha!
0:14:48 > 0:14:51'Or alternatively, just whack the keys at random
0:14:51 > 0:14:53'and hope for the best.'
0:14:54 > 0:14:58- Whoa! Whoa!- 'At the end of each level you must pass through a gate
0:14:58 > 0:15:02'guarded by a terrifying, grotesque monster, such as...
0:15:02 > 0:15:05- 'He who lives on snakes.' - I can take him.
0:15:05 > 0:15:09- 'He who dances in blood.' - Reckon I could have him, too.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12'And he who eats the excrement from his hind quarters.'
0:15:12 > 0:15:15All right, all right, you win! Just don't breathe on me.
0:15:16 > 0:15:19'Beat all the bosses and reach the final level.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21'The Weighing Of The Heart ceremony.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23'Your heart is weighed against the Feather Of Truth,
0:15:23 > 0:15:26'which knows all the lies you've told in your past life.'
0:15:26 > 0:15:30OK, OK. So I cheated during the school spelling test.
0:15:30 > 0:15:33Have you ever tried hieroglyphics?
0:15:33 > 0:15:36Yours to own in exchange for five sacks of barley,
0:15:36 > 0:15:39three leopard skins, two good horses or one reliable slave.
0:15:44 > 0:15:48In Georgian times, we had an excellent fire service.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50In fact, there were several to choose from.
0:15:50 > 0:15:53That could get very confusing.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55WOMAN SCREAMS
0:15:55 > 0:15:57My house is on fire!
0:15:57 > 0:16:00Have no fear, Westminster Fire Brigade are here.
0:16:00 > 0:16:03- No blaze too big, no fire too small. - Oh, thank you.
0:16:03 > 0:16:06Panic over, madam. Royal Exchange Fire Brigade here.
0:16:06 > 0:16:09We've got more buckets and bigger pumps than certain
0:16:09 > 0:16:10fire brigades I care to mention.
0:16:10 > 0:16:13Two fire brigades, it's my lucky day.
0:16:13 > 0:16:16Where's the fire?
0:16:16 > 0:16:17Please try to relax, madam.
0:16:17 > 0:16:21The Sun fire brigade is here now. Quenching fires since 1710.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24That's 1710 the year, not 5:10 in the afternoon.
0:16:24 > 0:16:28- Oh, thank you.- No, thank you so much for choosing the Sun
0:16:28 > 0:16:30to insure your home against fire.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33Whoa, back up! I think you'll find she is with the Royal Exchange.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35No, she isn't, she's with the Westminster.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38Actually, I'm not with any of you, but now you're here...
0:16:38 > 0:16:41- Come on, let's go. - Another time waster. Brilliant.
0:16:41 > 0:16:42Put the buckets away.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44Are you going to let my house burn down
0:16:44 > 0:16:47- because I'm insured with another company?- Yes.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50Well, what happened to, "No blaze too big, no fire too small?"
0:16:50 > 0:16:53If you're not insured, we won't help at all.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56- Well, can I at least borrow a bucket?- ALL: No!
0:16:56 > 0:16:58DING-A-LING-A-LING
0:16:58 > 0:17:00Make way for the Atlas Fire Brigade.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03Atlas, Atlas - that's who I'm with.
0:17:03 > 0:17:05Bring in the buckets, bring in the pumps.
0:17:05 > 0:17:08That's right, get lost, you lot, I've got a real fireman now,
0:17:08 > 0:17:09thank you so much.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12No, no, thank you for choosing the Atlas Fire Brigade to
0:17:12 > 0:17:14insure your home.
0:17:14 > 0:17:18- Now, if I could just check your papers.- Sorry?
0:17:18 > 0:17:21- Your insurance papers please, madam. - Clearly, they're inside the house.
0:17:21 > 0:17:25And clearly, we can't put out a fire until I see your insurance papers.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28Clearly, I can't get the papers, until you put out the fire.
0:17:28 > 0:17:31Well, in which case, there's only one thing I can do.
0:17:31 > 0:17:34Marshmallow? For the fire. Nice.
0:17:35 > 0:17:39To get round that problem, they eventually worked out they should
0:17:39 > 0:17:41put the logo of the appropriate fire brigade on the front
0:17:41 > 0:17:43of an insured building.
0:17:43 > 0:17:46Here's a tip. Never strike a match in a sewer.
0:17:46 > 0:17:49Lots of highly flammable gases down there.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51On the plus side,
0:17:51 > 0:17:53in a sewer you can go to the loo whenever you like.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56Unlike at the court of George II.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04Ooh, I do hope she's not going to be long.
0:18:04 > 0:18:05I'm quite desperate for a wee.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08YOU'RE desperate? I'm absolutely bursting.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10The sound of that fountain isn't helping.
0:18:10 > 0:18:13Block it out, Georgina, block it out.
0:18:13 > 0:18:15Yes, we must hold on.
0:18:15 > 0:18:16Not long now.
0:18:16 > 0:18:20Let's try and think of something else.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23Ooh, I don't think I can hold on much longer.
0:18:23 > 0:18:27Be strong, Georgina, be strong.
0:18:27 > 0:18:30Oh, thank heavens. At last, it's my turn.
0:18:30 > 0:18:33Your Majesty, please may I have permission to use the toilet?
0:18:33 > 0:18:35Indeed you may.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39Aaaah!
0:18:39 > 0:18:41Oh, sweet relief which cannot be measured. Thank you.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46And do you have something you'd like to ask the Queen?
0:18:46 > 0:18:50I'm afraid it might be a bit late for that, Your Majesty.
0:18:50 > 0:18:51So sorry.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01Did you know, at the end of the Stone Age,
0:19:01 > 0:19:05we were very soph...sophistic...
0:19:05 > 0:19:07We were clever.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09Our homes even had furniture.
0:19:17 > 0:19:19'Guaranteed never to sag.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21'There's only one place that does the lot.'
0:19:23 > 0:19:25'That's right, world of stone.
0:19:25 > 0:19:28'Why not pay a visit to our new showroom in Skara Brae, just a short
0:19:28 > 0:19:31'row in a dug-out boat from the coast of Scotland.
0:19:31 > 0:19:35'We've got all the latest furniture new to the Neolithic era
0:19:39 > 0:19:41Limpet tank?
0:19:41 > 0:19:43'Yes, limpet tanks.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47'From World Of Stone, our delivery men
0:19:47 > 0:19:49'can deliver anywhere in Britain.'
0:19:50 > 0:19:52It's no good, Kevin, it's not going to budge.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54For henges, please allow 30 years.
0:19:54 > 0:19:57- Stand up straight. - I can't, I've done my back in.
0:19:57 > 0:19:58Oh, mate.
0:19:58 > 0:20:02So don't delay, come to World Of Stone today.
0:20:22 > 0:20:24'They used poo and seaweed as fuel.
0:20:24 > 0:20:27'And in the Stone Age, fire was used to help make bronze,
0:20:27 > 0:20:30'which led to a whole new era.'
0:20:33 > 0:20:36Good evening, and welcome to the early news. I'm Vanessa Stonebottom.
0:20:36 > 0:20:37Our main story tonight.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40The technological revolution that could call an end to
0:20:40 > 0:20:42the Stone Age as we know it.
0:20:42 > 0:20:46It's over to our technology correspondent, Trevor Geek. Trevor.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48Thanks, Vanessa. I'm here
0:20:48 > 0:20:50at the opening of the Bronze Age.
0:20:50 > 0:20:53People are hailing it as the dawn of a new era,
0:20:53 > 0:20:55because it's the dawn of a new era.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57Earlier on, I caught up with
0:20:57 > 0:20:59the excited people in the queue
0:20:59 > 0:21:00who have been waiting
0:21:00 > 0:21:02an age for the Bronze Age. Hee-hee.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06Well, actually, I've been queueing all night,
0:21:06 > 0:21:08I'm very excited, I really want
0:21:08 > 0:21:10to get my hands on a bronze axe.
0:21:10 > 0:21:12It is cutting-edge technology.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14I suppose you could say this
0:21:14 > 0:21:16technology is cutting-edge.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18Well, yes, that's the joke I was making.
0:21:18 > 0:21:20I love these new bronze designs.
0:21:20 > 0:21:21They're so shiny, brilliant.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23I've not been into weapons before,
0:21:23 > 0:21:24but look, brilliant.
0:21:24 > 0:21:27I'll get something for my mum, as well. You all right, mum?
0:21:27 > 0:21:30Copper and tin are the ingredients in bronze,
0:21:30 > 0:21:33which is being used to make stronger and sharper weapons.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36If you're wondering what the point of a bronze sword is,
0:21:36 > 0:21:38it's the sharp bit on the end.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41I'm joined by blacksmith, Cliff,
0:21:41 > 0:21:43and he's going to tell us,
0:21:43 > 0:21:47in detail, about what goes into the making of bronze.
0:21:47 > 0:21:48Cliff, how do you combine
0:21:48 > 0:21:51the copper and the tin?
0:21:51 > 0:21:53Erm, you just heat them together.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56Right, and how do you heat them together?
0:21:56 > 0:21:57With heat.
0:21:57 > 0:22:02- Is there someone else we can talk to? - I told you I didn't want to do it.
0:22:02 > 0:22:04Whoa, Tim, you seem to have bought the lot?
0:22:04 > 0:22:06Yes, I only popped in for a bronze axe,
0:22:06 > 0:22:09but then spent all our shells on a matching spear and dagger,
0:22:09 > 0:22:11and all sorts of weapons.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13The wife's probably going to kill me.
0:22:13 > 0:22:16Well, she will be spoilt for choice for beautiful weapons to do it with.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18Once again, you've stolen my joke there,
0:22:18 > 0:22:22- cos that's what I was going for. - Sorry.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25Excuse me, I can't help but notice that you haven't bought anything.
0:22:25 > 0:22:29No. I reckon this whole Bronze Age thing is just a fad.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31I'm going to wait for the Iron Age to come along.
0:22:31 > 0:22:35So the Stone Age is over.
0:22:35 > 0:22:39The Bronze Age is here to stay, or is it? Back to the studio.
0:22:44 > 0:22:45During the war,
0:22:45 > 0:22:49the Germans launched devastating bombing raids on British cities.
0:22:49 > 0:22:53And you won't believe how they picked out some of their targets.
0:22:53 > 0:22:59"And beneath you, you will now see the historic English city of Bath.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01"Renowned for its ancient Roman baths
0:23:01 > 0:23:04"and distinctive 18th-century architecture."
0:23:06 > 0:23:08Wait a minute. Why is it on fire?
0:23:08 > 0:23:11Aagh! Someone is dropping bombs on Bath.
0:23:11 > 0:23:13- Ja, vee are!- Vee are?
0:23:13 > 0:23:15What are you, Dumm-dummkopf?
0:23:15 > 0:23:18This place gets three stars in my travel guide to the most
0:23:18 > 0:23:20beautiful, historical cities in Britain.
0:23:20 > 0:23:23Ja, Heinrich. That is why we are bombing it.
0:23:23 > 0:23:24German High Command wants us
0:23:24 > 0:23:29to bomb any city with three stars in the Baedeker guide.
0:23:29 > 0:23:30Bombs away!
0:23:32 > 0:23:35Oh, hot sausage! I think I just hit some old building.
0:23:35 > 0:23:36Some old building?!
0:23:36 > 0:23:38That was the Assembly Rooms,
0:23:38 > 0:23:42"as featured in old romantic novels of Jane Austen."
0:23:42 > 0:23:46Oh, does it say anything about it having a massive hole in the roof?
0:23:46 > 0:23:47Nein.
0:23:47 > 0:23:51It has gone out of date already.
0:23:51 > 0:23:54That's it, turn the plane around. We're going to Coventry.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57Coventry? We have already bombed it. It is flattened.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00Ja, exactly, so there's nothing left to ruin.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03No matter how much we hate the English, surely it is not
0:24:03 > 0:24:07right for us to destroy these beautiful, historical sites.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10Heinrich, were you not listening at all in ze briefing? They started it.
0:24:10 > 0:24:13They bombed our beautiful German city of Lubeck.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15Was? Lubeck?
0:24:15 > 0:24:18With its fine medieval buildings.
0:24:18 > 0:24:21Fine medieval holes in the ground now.
0:24:21 > 0:24:22This is a revenge mission.
0:24:22 > 0:24:25Philistines.
0:24:25 > 0:24:30Right, let us set course for the beautiful city of Exeter,
0:24:30 > 0:24:33"with its medieval cathedral, boasting the longest
0:24:33 > 0:24:36"uninterrupted vaulted ceiling in the whole of England."
0:24:36 > 0:24:39Ha-ha-ha! Not for much longer!
0:24:41 > 0:24:43But be careful not to bomb the gift shop,
0:24:43 > 0:24:46it says here they do some amazing keyrings.
0:24:46 > 0:24:49- Does it have those massive pencils? - Ja.- Yes!
0:24:49 > 0:24:52- And they have fudge. - They have fudge?- Ja.
0:24:52 > 0:24:55- I love fudge.- Awesome.
0:24:55 > 0:24:58The Germans really did use the Baedeker travel guide to pick
0:24:58 > 0:25:00out some historical bombing targets.
0:25:00 > 0:25:03Fortunately, us rats had our own bomb shelters.
0:25:03 > 0:25:05They're called sewers.
0:25:05 > 0:25:09Of course, the German bombers, had to deal with the good old RAF.
0:25:09 > 0:25:11Chocks away, boys.
0:25:11 > 0:25:12AIR RAID SIREN
0:25:23 > 0:25:27# We fighter pilots fought the German chaps in World War II
0:25:27 > 0:25:31# And Hurricanes and Spitfires performed feats of derring-do
0:25:31 > 0:25:35# The finest British pilots that the world could hope to have
0:25:35 > 0:25:39# Binky, Stinky, Squiffy, Frantisek and Stanislaw
0:25:39 > 0:25:43# Hold fire, is that some foreign chaps risking their necks?
0:25:43 > 0:25:48# That's right, some of the bravest men were Polish and Czech
0:25:48 > 0:25:54# We like to fire, beating Jerry our one desire
0:25:54 > 0:25:56Yeah, yeah.
0:25:56 > 0:26:00# All we do each night is pray we'll live to fight another day
0:26:00 > 0:26:03Take that, Hitler.
0:26:03 > 0:26:06# My name is Douglas Bader Let me tell of my ordeal
0:26:06 > 0:26:10# Lost both legs in an accident these ones are not real
0:26:10 > 0:26:14# I left the Air Force After that flying was a hobby
0:26:14 > 0:26:17# But when war broke in '39 I came back
0:26:17 > 0:26:18# Just like Robbie
0:26:18 > 0:26:22# Shot down 22 of them Led the air attack
0:26:22 > 0:26:26# Till finally the Luftwaffe hit me back
0:26:26 > 0:26:27# Oh, no, pretty baby
0:26:27 > 0:26:30# His reign of fire
0:26:30 > 0:26:34# Stuck in the cold It's such a shame to retire
0:26:34 > 0:26:35# Yeah, yeah
0:26:35 > 0:26:41# Don't forget this great man's story and his role in Britain's glory
0:26:41 > 0:26:45# We flew in tough conditions Lucky to survive five missions
0:26:45 > 0:26:49# Not that I'm complaining but I've had just ten hours' training
0:26:49 > 0:26:53# Epic dogfights in the sky Outnumbered, that's why
0:26:53 > 0:26:58# We're now known by you As the few
0:26:58 > 0:27:00# Phew, he missed me.
0:27:01 > 0:27:05# The Battle of Britain was our pilots' finest hour
0:27:05 > 0:27:08# Although it seemed at first the Germans were the stronger power
0:27:08 > 0:27:09# So strong
0:27:09 > 0:27:13# We mustered all our courage in summer 1940
0:27:13 > 0:27:17# Scrambled Air Force squadrons to fly sortie after sortie
0:27:17 > 0:27:20# Saw Nazi invasion off just as we should
0:27:20 > 0:27:24# Our bravery meant Hitler wouldn't be back for good
0:27:24 > 0:27:25# No, no
0:27:25 > 0:27:28# We beat the Fuhrer
0:27:28 > 0:27:32# Without us frequent flyers Your life would be poorer
0:27:32 > 0:27:33# Yeah, yeah
0:27:33 > 0:27:36# Britain securer
0:27:36 > 0:27:39# Our story of heroics will for ever endure
0:27:39 > 0:27:44- # Yeah! - So I think you'll find it's true... #
0:27:44 > 0:27:46CHURCHILL: 'Never in the field of human conflict,
0:27:46 > 0:27:50'was so much owed by so many to so few.'
0:27:54 > 0:27:57# Tall tales, atrocious acts We gave you all the fearsome facts
0:27:57 > 0:28:02If you enjoyed that, why not play the new AD/BC Time Tour music game?
0:28:02 > 0:28:07Go to the CBBC website and click on Horrible Histories. Rock on!
0:28:07 > 0:28:10# The past is no longer a mystery Hope you enjoyed...
0:28:10 > 0:28:14# Horrible Histories. #