0:00:02 > 0:00:04# Terrible Tudors, Gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, Vile Victorians
0:00:04 > 0:00:07# Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights
0:00:07 > 0:00:09# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians
0:00:09 > 0:00:12# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishments from ancient times
0:00:12 > 0:00:15# Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless
0:00:15 > 0:00:17# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages
0:00:17 > 0:00:20# Gory stories, we do that
0:00:20 > 0:00:23# And your host, a talking rat
0:00:23 > 0:00:25# The past is no longer a mystery
0:00:25 > 0:00:27# Welcome to... #
0:00:41 > 0:00:46Hello and welcome to the News At When. When? The Middle Ages.
0:00:46 > 0:00:49It's 1071, and in East Anglia, Hereward the Wake
0:00:49 > 0:00:52has led a Saxon revolt against the Normans.
0:00:52 > 0:00:56William the Conqueror has all but crushed the rebellion
0:00:56 > 0:00:59but one last pocket of resistance still remains.
0:00:59 > 0:01:04We go over now live to join our war correspondent, Mike Peabody. Mike.
0:01:04 > 0:01:08I'm here with William the Conqueror, King of England.
0:01:08 > 0:01:09Well, I say King of England,
0:01:09 > 0:01:11but, er, you're not quite king of all of it.
0:01:11 > 0:01:13No, not quite all.
0:01:13 > 0:01:16That's because rebels are still holding the Isle of Ely.
0:01:16 > 0:01:19Well, I'm conquering that at the moment, actually.
0:01:19 > 0:01:20Should be conquered any minute.
0:01:20 > 0:01:23You see, we tracked the English rebel Hereward
0:01:23 > 0:01:25to a camp on the island,
0:01:25 > 0:01:28but unfortunately, it's surrounded by...um...
0:01:28 > 0:01:30how you say? Er...boggy marshland.
0:01:30 > 0:01:31Boggy marshland.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33Boggy marshland, yes.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35So I had the brilliant idea
0:01:35 > 0:01:38of building a mile-long wooden pontoon across the marshes
0:01:38 > 0:01:41which my army can then march across in complete safety.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44What is it now?!
0:01:44 > 0:01:47It turns out an army is quite heavy,
0:01:47 > 0:01:49and the pontoon simply collapsed. Bof.
0:01:49 > 0:01:52Well, what idiot thought of that idea?
0:01:52 > 0:01:54- Er...- Don't, don't.
0:01:54 > 0:01:55I presume there's a plan B?
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Well, of course there's a plan B.
0:01:57 > 0:01:58Which is?
0:01:58 > 0:02:01That's right, witches. But I think one witch ought to do it, don't you?
0:02:01 > 0:02:02Witch!
0:02:02 > 0:02:04I do have a name, you know.
0:02:04 > 0:02:09I have built a wooden tower overlooking the island. The witch...
0:02:09 > 0:02:10Susan.
0:02:10 > 0:02:14..will then climb up the tower and from a high vantage point
0:02:14 > 0:02:18curse Hereward and his rebel friends on the island,
0:02:18 > 0:02:21who will then, you know, die and rot and turn into frogs and toads
0:02:21 > 0:02:22and all those sorts of thing,
0:02:22 > 0:02:25leaving me free to take Ely for the Normans!
0:02:25 > 0:02:26Sounds like a good plan, eh?
0:02:26 > 0:02:29Well, it certainly sounds like a plan.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31Get thee to thy tower, witch!
0:02:31 > 0:02:33A please would be nice.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37Witches!
0:02:37 > 0:02:40A curse on thee, rebels of Ely!
0:02:40 > 0:02:44May thine eyes bubble and boil in thy skulls
0:02:44 > 0:02:48and may thine feet turn into limp lettuce
0:02:48 > 0:02:51or similarly un-foot-like vegetation.
0:02:51 > 0:02:55May thine pets do that thing when visitors come round where they...
0:02:55 > 0:02:57RUSTLING
0:02:57 > 0:02:59- Oh, hello, excuse me.- Ah... Ah...
0:02:59 > 0:03:02Oh, dear, the Saxon rebels are setting fire to the tower.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05We can discuss this. I could be a double agent.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07Yeah, I could curse in the other direction!
0:03:09 > 0:03:12Well, then, you leave me no choice!
0:03:12 > 0:03:16Right. This is Mike Peabody, up a burning tower,
0:03:16 > 0:03:20with a witch who's showing her bottom,
0:03:20 > 0:03:24really wishing he was somewhere else. Actually, anywhere else.
0:03:24 > 0:03:25Please.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27Oh!
0:03:27 > 0:03:30That's all 100% accu-rat.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33The Normans built a wooden tower for a witch to curse the Saxons
0:03:33 > 0:03:35and she showed them her bottom.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38The Saxons got their revenge by burning the tower down.
0:03:38 > 0:03:43Hence the old saying, "Red sky at night, witch's bottom alight."
0:03:43 > 0:03:47The Normans also built a lot of stone churches in England,
0:03:47 > 0:03:51usually to say sorry to God for something they'd done.
0:03:51 > 0:03:55'Normanopoly, the board game that lets you invade England
0:03:55 > 0:03:57'just like William the Conqueror!'
0:03:57 > 0:03:59OK, I'm King, bagsy me be the crown.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01Bagsy the ship.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04- Why do I always have to be the wild pig?- Too slow.- Ha-ha!
0:04:04 > 0:04:07'Your chance to experience all the thrills of conquering England!'
0:04:07 > 0:04:11Oh, I've landed on Hastings and brutally killed thousands of Saxons.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14Best build a church, show God I'm sorry.
0:04:14 > 0:04:18Actually, I did spill an awful lot of blood. Best make it an abbey.
0:04:18 > 0:04:22'And if you don't like the names of the towns you can just rename them.'
0:04:22 > 0:04:25Excellent! I'm now the Baron of Snottingham.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28Just take off the S and call it Nottingham.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30Much better. Wooden castle.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33'Do you have what it takes to keep England conquered?'
0:04:33 > 0:04:37Actually, better upgrade to a stone castle. Might last longer.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40'Are you ruthless enough to deal with disgruntled Anglo-Saxons?'
0:04:40 > 0:04:42Community card, my favourite.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45"The English are rebelling in the north."
0:04:45 > 0:04:48"You have to wipe out the entire community."
0:04:48 > 0:04:50Oh, you've got to love this game!
0:04:50 > 0:04:54'And the great thing is, you can just make up the rules as you go along!'
0:04:54 > 0:04:57I think I'll collect 200 silver coins from the villagers as tax.
0:04:57 > 0:04:58Cheeky so-and-so.
0:04:58 > 0:05:02'Normanopoly. There's no such thing as playing fair.'
0:05:02 > 0:05:04Oh, I'd better build another church.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06I'm about to do something really bad.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08HE CACKLES
0:05:08 > 0:05:10You need to work on your evil laugh, boss.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12What is wrong with it?
0:05:12 > 0:05:16'Normanopoly. Satisfaction guaranteed, or your country back.'
0:05:16 > 0:05:17Never going to happen.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28Some of our great Greek thinkers were a tad unusual,
0:05:28 > 0:05:30and none more so than Diogenes.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37Hey! What do you think you're doing?
0:05:37 > 0:05:40Oh, sorry, mate. I had no idea there was a naked man in the barrel.
0:05:40 > 0:05:41Why is there a naked man in the barrel?
0:05:41 > 0:05:43Why are you naked in a barrel?
0:05:43 > 0:05:46Because I believe that human society has overcomplicated
0:05:46 > 0:05:47the simple beauty of nature,
0:05:47 > 0:05:50so I have rejected the trappings of society,
0:05:50 > 0:05:52including all material possessions.
0:05:52 > 0:05:55These days, it's just me and my barrel.
0:05:55 > 0:06:00Hang on, aren't you Diogenes, the famous philosopher and total weirdo?
0:06:00 > 0:06:02Total weirdo, you say?
0:06:02 > 0:06:04Oh, what are you doing, what are you doing?
0:06:04 > 0:06:06You insulted me, so I'm weeing on you.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08Oh, you can't do that!
0:06:08 > 0:06:10- Says who?- Says society.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12I don't believe in society.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15Yeah, you just said that, didn't you?
0:06:15 > 0:06:16- All right, hang on, what's that? - What?
0:06:16 > 0:06:19That bowl is a material possession.
0:06:19 > 0:06:20Man's gotta drink, man.
0:06:20 > 0:06:23All right, well, what about that child over there?
0:06:24 > 0:06:26Not that one, that one!
0:06:26 > 0:06:28She doesn't need a bowl to drink water,
0:06:28 > 0:06:32she's using her hands, which makes that a needless material procession.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34Good point.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36Right, so now you're a smug weirdo.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38Did you just call me a smug weirdo?
0:06:38 > 0:06:41Oh, no! All right, I take it back, I take it back!
0:06:41 > 0:06:44- You're not a smug weirdo, OK? - Thank you.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46- Hey!- You're a filthy smug weirdo.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49And what you going to do about that, eh?
0:06:49 > 0:06:50Can't wee on me now, can you?
0:06:50 > 0:06:55Well, let's just say when I'm really offended I switch to plan B.
0:06:55 > 0:06:56HE FARTS
0:06:56 > 0:06:58Oh, you're an animal!
0:06:58 > 0:07:01No wait, give it a minute, just need a minute.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04Oh, no. Oh, that has, in a very literal sense, backfired.
0:07:08 > 0:07:13That's right, Diogenes lived, weed and pooed in a barrel.
0:07:13 > 0:07:17Perfectly decent behaviour... if you're a rat.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20Another super-smart Greek was Pythagoras,
0:07:20 > 0:07:23and he was a bit of a funny fish as well.
0:07:25 > 0:07:30# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths They're funny cos they're true
0:07:30 > 0:07:35# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths Hope next time it's not you. #
0:07:36 > 0:07:40- And then I said, "That's another fine- mesh- you've got me into!"
0:07:40 > 0:07:42HE LAUGHS
0:07:42 > 0:07:44Fine mesh! Because I was wearing chainmail!
0:07:44 > 0:07:46HE LAUGHS
0:07:46 > 0:07:49Oh, maybe you had to be there. Next.
0:07:49 > 0:07:50Name?
0:07:50 > 0:07:53Pythagoras, Greek philosopher and mathematician.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55Oh, ding-a-ling-a-ling! Your name rings a bell!
0:07:55 > 0:07:59Aren't you the fellow who invented the triangle formula thingy?
0:07:59 > 0:08:00Pythagoras' theorem.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02That's the one! Oh, don't tell me, I know this.
0:08:02 > 0:08:06The square of the thingamajig is equal to the two sides
0:08:06 > 0:08:10of the hippopotamus when it's sitting at a cute angle.
0:08:10 > 0:08:14Nearly. The square of the hypotenuse of a right angled triangle
0:08:14 > 0:08:17is equal to the sum of the squares of the other two sides.
0:08:17 > 0:08:20Hm, you lost me at hippopotamus, mate.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22Come on, then, on with your story.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25I hope it's easier to understand than your theory.
0:08:25 > 0:08:28Right. Well, I started a religious movement known as Pythagoreanism.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31Yeah, we had a set of quite unusual rules.
0:08:31 > 0:08:36Never touch a white cockerel, never stand on your fingernail clippings
0:08:36 > 0:08:38and never, ever touch beans.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41Oh, beans can be a bit...peuw! Just ask Louis.
0:08:41 > 0:08:42- HE LAUGHS - I'm joking.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44Although you are a bit whiffy. You are!
0:08:44 > 0:08:47Well, anyway, not everybody liked my little club.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49In fact, some people even wanted me dead.
0:08:49 > 0:08:50Go on.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53One day, I was being chased by some would-be assassins.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56Well, I was easily outstripping them, I'm quite fit.
0:08:56 > 0:09:00I got to a field. The only trouble was it was a bean field.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02And?
0:09:02 > 0:09:05We Pythagoreans aren't allowed to touch beans, so I refused to go in.
0:09:05 > 0:09:06And?
0:09:06 > 0:09:09They caught up with me and they killed me.
0:09:09 > 0:09:10- You got...?- Yeah.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12- Because... - HE LAUGHS
0:09:12 > 0:09:14You've been stupid,
0:09:14 > 0:09:18- or rather, you've- bean- stupid. "bean" with an A.
0:09:18 > 0:09:19DEATH LAUGHS
0:09:19 > 0:09:22Well done, you're through to the afterlife.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25Run along now. As in runner bean - runner bean along now!
0:09:25 > 0:09:27That's good, yeah!
0:09:27 > 0:09:30- Oh, enjoy!- Ta-ta.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33Well, I think that's it for the day, that's a wrap.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37Because of the bandages! Oh, I'm wasted here.
0:09:37 > 0:09:42# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths Hope next time it's not you. #
0:10:05 > 0:10:08But if they fell asleep at work they were dunked in water,
0:10:08 > 0:10:10and if they tried to run away, they were put in leg irons.
0:10:10 > 0:10:15It really wasn't very easy being poor in Victorian times.
0:10:15 > 0:10:18'This week on Historical Wife Swap,
0:10:18 > 0:10:22'the Tombleby-Pumblechooks of Mayfair will be doing a wife swap with...
0:10:22 > 0:10:24'the Smikes from the London slum.
0:10:24 > 0:10:28'But how will these two extremes of the British class system get on?'
0:10:29 > 0:10:30Wow!
0:10:32 > 0:10:34Forgive my excitement, sir,
0:10:34 > 0:10:37but I've never been in such a grand house before.
0:10:37 > 0:10:38Of course not.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41There's never been one single poor person inside this house, ever.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44Well, unless one counts the staff.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47The butler, the valet, the cook and the housekeeper...
0:10:47 > 0:10:50..ladies' maid, the nursemaid, the housemaid and the scullery maid,
0:10:50 > 0:10:54the footman, the parlour maid, the outhouse maid and the gardeners.
0:10:54 > 0:10:56Oh, dash it all, Perkins!
0:10:56 > 0:10:58Yes, sir?
0:10:58 > 0:11:01We have guests and there's a crease in the newspaper!
0:11:01 > 0:11:04I shall iron it forthwith, sir.
0:11:04 > 0:11:08Honestly. Can't get the staff these days.
0:11:08 > 0:11:11'Meanwhile, in the London slum...' BABY WAILS
0:11:11 > 0:11:14Excuse me, has anybody seen a Mr Smike?
0:11:15 > 0:11:17Mrs Pombleby-Tumblepook?
0:11:17 > 0:11:18Tombleby-Pumblechook.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21Fumbleby-Pombleydook. Er, yes, I'm Mr Smike.
0:11:21 > 0:11:24Don't touch me. I would have knocked but there wasn't a door.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27We chucked the doors on the fire to keep warm.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29Of course. I'm pleased to see you have plenty of staff.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31Oh no, no, no. We all lives here.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33All of you? In this one room?
0:11:33 > 0:11:36Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Joneses lived up the road
0:11:36 > 0:11:39until their slum got pulled down to make a new street, yeah.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41This is Mrs Rumblebly-Fonglewook.
0:11:41 > 0:11:42Tombleby-Pumblechook.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44- How do?- Don't touch me.
0:11:44 > 0:11:48The Smiths lived next door until their slum got pulled down.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50This is Mrs Tombleby-Bottomcheek.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52- It's a pleasure.- Don't touch me.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54Right. I see there's a little bit more room over there.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57Aaagh! A dead body!
0:11:57 > 0:11:59Oh, yeah, so there is.
0:11:59 > 0:12:03If we scrape him up, you'll have somewhere to kip for the night.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07'Meanwhile, in Mayfair, Mrs Smike is impressed
0:12:07 > 0:12:11'by Mr Tombleby-Pumblechook's new gadget.'
0:12:11 > 0:12:12What's this?
0:12:12 > 0:12:14Oh, this is new. It's a Victorian invention
0:12:14 > 0:12:17for automatically making you tea in the morning.
0:12:17 > 0:12:21You might call it a teasmade.
0:12:21 > 0:12:24Can't work it myself, though, have to get a maid to set it for me,
0:12:24 > 0:12:27you might call her a teasmade maid!
0:12:30 > 0:12:32Do you have anything new?
0:12:32 > 0:12:33I've got TB.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35SHE COUGHS
0:12:35 > 0:12:36OK.
0:12:36 > 0:12:41I found out how come these posh people keep their houses so warm.
0:12:41 > 0:12:46They burn up more than half a ton of coal per day.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49That's more coal than we have in a year! By half a ton!
0:12:49 > 0:12:52'It's six in the morning, and Mrs Tombleby-Pumblechook
0:12:52 > 0:12:54'has been taken along to see what it's like
0:12:54 > 0:12:57'to do Mrs Smike's job in the match factory.'
0:12:57 > 0:13:00Oh, what is that unholy stench?
0:13:00 > 0:13:01Afraid that's me, ma'am.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03Yeah, she's got a phossy jaw.
0:13:03 > 0:13:06- Explain.- Well, the white phosphorus there, that's to put on match heads.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09It's poisonous, makes your jaw swell and your bones rot,
0:13:09 > 0:13:11hence the stench.
0:13:11 > 0:13:12Shouldn't you go and see a doctor?
0:13:12 > 0:13:16I did, but he refused to treat me. Said I smelt too bad.
0:13:16 > 0:13:17Well, he has got a point.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19Anyway, that's enough work. Let's all go home.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22Shift's not over for another 12 hours.
0:13:25 > 0:13:26See what you've done?
0:13:26 > 0:13:28Do you know, these miserable, smelly people
0:13:28 > 0:13:33have to work seven days a week? They don't even get weekends off.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35No wonder they're so miserable and smelly.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37We're all just here, you know. We can hear you.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39I know. Ergh.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41'The wife swap is at an end,
0:13:41 > 0:13:46'and it's time for them to settle their differences.'
0:13:46 > 0:13:49Yes, this wife swap has been quite an eye-opener for both of us.
0:13:49 > 0:13:53You live in the most squalid and revolting conditions imaginable,
0:13:53 > 0:13:55and you have to work every day just to survive.
0:13:55 > 0:14:00Indeed we do, Mrs Tombley-Hombly- Hombly-Hombly-Crumbleduke.
0:14:00 > 0:14:03From now on, you'll be living somewhere totally different.
0:14:03 > 0:14:07Yes. My man found this lump of coal in your pocket.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09Well, I didn't think you'd miss just one lump.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11Well, we did, and so you're both going to jail.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13Gotcha!
0:14:13 > 0:14:16Perkins, throw this away, would you? A poor person's touched it.
0:14:18 > 0:14:22Victorian slums were squalid and disease-ridden,
0:14:22 > 0:14:27with overflowing toilets and often more than 20 living in the one room.
0:14:27 > 0:14:28Which is what we rats
0:14:28 > 0:14:30- call a dream home! - HE LAUGHS
0:14:30 > 0:14:32Yeah. Sorry.
0:14:37 > 0:14:41Our brave Saxon warriors were afraid of no man.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44Though that doesn't mean they weren't scared of anything.
0:14:45 > 0:14:49Affelgriff, son of Griffelaff, shall we journey north?
0:14:49 > 0:14:53Aye, Edrick, son of Cedric, for there, we shall fight!
0:14:53 > 0:14:55We must fight the enemy!
0:14:55 > 0:14:58We will cleave their skulls and cut out their hearts!
0:14:58 > 0:15:01BOTH: Death to all invaders!
0:15:01 > 0:15:02We must journey through the hills.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04Aye, the hills!
0:15:04 > 0:15:06- Whoa, not the hills, no. - Not the hills?
0:15:06 > 0:15:09We can't go through the hills, that's where dragons are.
0:15:09 > 0:15:11Big, slimy serpents and nasty fire-breathing ones.
0:15:11 > 0:15:14- Oh, yeah. Wyrms and dracas. I've seen them.- You haven't?
0:15:14 > 0:15:17Yeah, I have! Well, I thought I did. Well, it was quite dark, actually.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20Very well. Let us go around the lake, then!
0:15:20 > 0:15:23The lake! Whoa, not the lake! Scared of lakes, full of monsters.
0:15:23 > 0:15:27- Huh, water monsters? All right, we'll avoid the lake.- Yeah.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30- And yet we must fight!- Aye. Let us travel through the forest.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32The forest! Whoa, whoa, no, no, no.
0:15:32 > 0:15:33- Scared of the forest.- Why?
0:15:33 > 0:15:36Full of elves and spirits shooting at you with little arrows.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39- I've seen them!- You haven't?
0:15:39 > 0:15:41Yeah. Well a friend of mine did. Well, he said he did.
0:15:41 > 0:15:45No, we must journey through the rocks!
0:15:45 > 0:15:47- OK, the rocks!- The rocks.
0:15:47 > 0:15:50Oh, hey, hey, are you crazy insane? I'm not going through the rocks.
0:15:50 > 0:15:51Giants live in the rocks.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53Have you seen one?
0:15:53 > 0:15:56No, but I've seen things they've built. Big, huge things!
0:15:56 > 0:15:58What, you mean the rocks?
0:15:58 > 0:15:59Speak not of them!
0:15:59 > 0:16:02All right, we'll avoid the forest and the stony things.
0:16:02 > 0:16:05- And yet we must go north!- Aye!
0:16:05 > 0:16:08I'll tell you what, why don't we go across the country and up,
0:16:08 > 0:16:09you know, through East Anglia?
0:16:09 > 0:16:11Yeah, that's a good idea.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14BOTH: Death to all invaders!
0:16:14 > 0:16:17Hey, hey, whoa, whoa. East Anglia, that's where the scuccas are.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19Oh, yeah, and who wants to meet
0:16:19 > 0:16:21an enormous black dog with blazing, fiery eyes?
0:16:21 > 0:16:23As big as a horse.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25I'm so scared of those big black dogs.
0:16:26 > 0:16:29BOTH: Rrrraaaaargh!
0:16:29 > 0:16:31Hey, I've got an idea, I've got an idea.
0:16:31 > 0:16:33Why don't we wait for the invaders to come south,
0:16:33 > 0:16:35and that way we don't have to travel north?
0:16:35 > 0:16:36Oh, do you know, I'd much prefer that.
0:16:36 > 0:16:39For we are the mightiest of warriors!
0:16:39 > 0:16:42Aye, afraid of no man. Ah, what's that?
0:16:43 > 0:16:45I think it's just an earthworm.
0:16:45 > 0:16:48- Are you sure? I mean, it could be a little baby dragon.- Ah!
0:16:48 > 0:16:52We must face this situation as Saxon warriors.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55- What, you mean run away? - Yeah, run away.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58- Run!- Run!- Run!- Run!
0:16:58 > 0:17:01Not that way, not that way. Run this way.
0:17:01 > 0:17:03This way. This way!
0:17:03 > 0:17:06- No, not that way, this way. - This way.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09- Run!- This way! Are you sure?
0:17:09 > 0:17:12It's true, Saxon warriors were very superstitious
0:17:12 > 0:17:15and believed in all sorts of monsters and demons.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17Though earthworms aren't baby dragons.
0:17:17 > 0:17:22No, they're a delicious starter, if slightly tickly.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25Yeah, Saxon men are not without their shortcomings.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27PHONE RINGS
0:17:27 > 0:17:29Hello, Historical Dates.
0:17:29 > 0:17:32Finding love is no mystery when you've got all of history.
0:17:33 > 0:17:36You're looking for a handsome knight with a castle.
0:17:36 > 0:17:42I can offer you a caveman with a...um...cave.
0:17:42 > 0:17:44Oh, fair enough.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48Karen, have you stepped in something?
0:17:48 > 0:17:51- No, I thought you had.- No.
0:17:54 > 0:17:57Hello, ladies!
0:17:57 > 0:18:01I am young, Anglo-Saxon and looking for love.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04- Welcome to Historical Dates. - Take a seat.- Thank you.
0:18:06 > 0:18:10- Actually, I meant that one over there.- OK.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13That's a bit weird.
0:18:14 > 0:18:17Actually, this seat looks a lot more comfortable. It is, thank you.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20Right, let's take down a few details.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22Sorry, I just feel a bit faint.
0:18:22 > 0:18:24Yeah, I have that effect on the ladies.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26They call me Lar the Lady-killer.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28Yeah, I bet you knock 'em dead.
0:18:28 > 0:18:32Well, I like to think I'm a bit of a catch. Got my own home, so...
0:18:32 > 0:18:34- Is it a cave?- No, I built it myself.
0:18:34 > 0:18:38It's made of reeds, straw, mud and animal dung.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41- Right, how many rooms?- Just the one.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43- Where do you go toilet?- Just outside.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46He's worse than that student you went out with.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48I take it you live on your own?
0:18:48 > 0:18:51No, I live with my beloved Bessie. She keeps me warm at night.
0:18:51 > 0:18:52You've got a wife already?
0:18:52 > 0:18:55Bessie's not my wife, Bessie's my goat.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57She sleeps in the house along with the pigs and the ducks.
0:18:57 > 0:18:59And the fleas.
0:18:59 > 0:19:00Can I ask a personal question?
0:19:00 > 0:19:02Sagittarius.
0:19:02 > 0:19:05Not that one. Do Anglo-Saxons ever wash at all?
0:19:05 > 0:19:07Once a year.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09You have a bath once a year?
0:19:09 > 0:19:11What do you think I am? Some kind of Viking?
0:19:11 > 0:19:15They bathe and comb their hair once a week and do they get the chicks?
0:19:15 > 0:19:17Actually, they do.
0:19:17 > 0:19:21So just to recap, you only have a bath once a year,
0:19:21 > 0:19:23your house is made of poo,
0:19:23 > 0:19:25with animals pooing in it,
0:19:25 > 0:19:29and when you need a poo you just do it in your garden.
0:19:29 > 0:19:31Anyway, enough about me.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33You, with the disgusted loo,
0:19:33 > 0:19:35tell me, what are you doing this night?
0:19:36 > 0:19:37Washing my hair.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39- Really?- Mm-hmm.- Oh.
0:19:39 > 0:19:43Well, you're not my type at all. It's a shame.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45OK, girls. Laters.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56Do you want your skin to look this good?
0:19:56 > 0:19:59Then you need to try the ultimate exfoliating experience -
0:19:59 > 0:20:03new keel hauling, the pirate skincare revolution.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06Keel hauling will remove all that unsightly skin.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08Actually, it removes most of your skin.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11All you need is a pirate vessel, a long rope,
0:20:11 > 0:20:13lots of sea and an angry captain.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15Captain, I've got your...
0:20:15 > 0:20:18Shiver me timbers, you bilge rat!
0:20:18 > 0:20:20Let's see how you enjoy some keel hauling!
0:20:20 > 0:20:22Anything but that!
0:20:22 > 0:20:24Here's how it works.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26The rope is fixed to your legs, you're thrown overboard
0:20:26 > 0:20:29and hauled under the hull and over the keel of the ship,
0:20:29 > 0:20:34then pulled up on the other side to reveal the new you.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37Thanks to the secret ingredient, barnacles,
0:20:37 > 0:20:39keel hauling has never been so painful.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42You can really see the difference.
0:20:45 > 0:20:48And don't miss our exclusive introductory offer.
0:20:48 > 0:20:50Get keel hauled this month and get thrashed
0:20:50 > 0:20:52by a cat o' nine tails whip
0:20:52 > 0:20:53absolutely free!
0:20:53 > 0:20:56- I think he's missed a bit. - HE LAUGHS
0:20:56 > 0:20:58Warning - being keel hauled can result in death.
0:20:58 > 0:21:01Being whipped by a cat o' nine tails can result in death.
0:21:01 > 0:21:04Being a pirate will probably result in death.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06Ow!
0:21:06 > 0:21:07What's up, landlubbers?
0:21:07 > 0:21:10Now, The Pirate Channel's going underground,
0:21:10 > 0:21:14well, below deck, anyway, as we meet the baddest pirate of them all.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16It's time for HHTV Cribs.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21Yo, yo, yo, yo, HHTV!
0:21:21 > 0:21:25My name's Blackbeard, and this here is my crib,
0:21:25 > 0:21:28the Queen Anne's Revenge, and I loves her.
0:21:28 > 0:21:29Mwah!
0:21:29 > 0:21:31Mmm, salty!
0:21:33 > 0:21:34Made in Britain, but on the inside
0:21:34 > 0:21:36it's got kind of a classic French vibe.
0:21:36 > 0:21:39That's because the French stole it off the British
0:21:39 > 0:21:41and then we stole it off the French!
0:21:41 > 0:21:44So when we nicked her she was a French merchant ship,
0:21:44 > 0:21:46but we needed a pirate ship,
0:21:46 > 0:21:48so we pimped her up, changed the logo.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50The old one was whack!
0:21:50 > 0:21:53We kept the chef, though. Those dudes can cook it up.
0:21:53 > 0:21:54Check out the music system.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56FLUTE PLAYS
0:21:56 > 0:21:58Oh yeah, proper banging, that.
0:21:58 > 0:22:02Yo, this is the booty room. This is where I keep my gold. Blinging!
0:22:02 > 0:22:05Sugar. sweet!
0:22:05 > 0:22:07And my medicine - sick!
0:22:07 > 0:22:09Or rather, not so sick.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11Got to show you the toilet I put in for the crew.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13State of the art!
0:22:13 > 0:22:16It basically a rope cage over the ocean.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18They love a poo with a view.
0:22:18 > 0:22:19You all right, Francois?
0:22:19 > 0:22:21- Bonjour.- Lunch smells good. What you cooking?
0:22:21 > 0:22:25Meat filled with maggots followed by biscuits covered in weevils.
0:22:25 > 0:22:26The food always kind of rots
0:22:26 > 0:22:29once we've been at sea for a few weeks.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32Bleugh!
0:22:32 > 0:22:35Put some cannons in. Got 40 of these bad boys. Ow.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38Over here, we've got some homies chilling out.
0:22:38 > 0:22:39What's up?
0:22:39 > 0:22:42Help! My name is Percival, I've been kidnapped by Blackbeard...
0:22:42 > 0:22:43I love this guy. He cracks me up!
0:22:43 > 0:22:47Here he is, here's the man himself, Israel Hands. Say hello, Israel.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49All right?
0:22:49 > 0:22:50Ow!
0:22:50 > 0:22:51That was just for fun.
0:22:51 > 0:22:52When you're in battle,
0:22:52 > 0:22:54you've got to get your swagger-jagger on!
0:22:54 > 0:22:58This is my room, this is where I keep all my nice rich clothes.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00I stole them off people I killed.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02That's quite a nice scarf you got there.
0:23:02 > 0:23:04- CAMERAMAN: What? - Can I have a quick look at it?
0:23:04 > 0:23:06Hey, where are you going?
0:23:06 > 0:23:07Ah, I'm out of here!
0:23:08 > 0:23:14Blackbeard was a truly evil man, and he met an appropriately horrid end.
0:23:14 > 0:23:17In 1780, he was killed in a battle at sea,
0:23:17 > 0:23:22his head was chopped off and his headless body thrown into the sea.
0:23:22 > 0:23:25Blackbeard, RIP.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27- Or rather,- Arrr- IP!
0:23:34 > 0:23:38When Henry VIII died, his son Edward became King at the age
0:23:38 > 0:23:42of just nine, and even a king needed to have an education.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44Oh, come, come, King Edward,
0:23:44 > 0:23:47every young monarch should have a firm grasp of the Classics.
0:23:47 > 0:23:52So translate into Latin for me, "Latin isn't difficult."
0:23:52 > 0:23:54Um, I know this one, Mr Cheek.
0:23:54 > 0:23:58Get this wrong, and somebody's going to get a jolly good whipping.
0:23:58 > 0:24:01Latin not difficultus?
0:24:01 > 0:24:05Wrong. You were given fair warning. Bend over, boy.
0:24:05 > 0:24:06Ow!
0:24:06 > 0:24:08You're just lucky I'm not allowed to strike a Royal.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11So I shall ask you one more time, sire,
0:24:11 > 0:24:14what is the Latin for, "Latin isn't difficult?"
0:24:14 > 0:24:17Latin non difficultorum?
0:24:17 > 0:24:19Wrong! Bend over, whipping boy.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21- Sorry, Barnaby.- Ow!
0:24:21 > 0:24:25"Latinum linguum loqui non est difficilissimum."
0:24:25 > 0:24:28See? Latin isn't difficult.
0:24:28 > 0:24:29No, Mr Bumcheek.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31- What was that?- No, Mr Cheek.
0:24:31 > 0:24:34I'll give you the benefit of the doubt this time, but know this.
0:24:34 > 0:24:38I will not be made to look like a buffoon in my own classroom,
0:24:38 > 0:24:39even by a Tudor king.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41Of course not.
0:24:41 > 0:24:44Good. So long as that's clear.
0:24:44 > 0:24:47BOYS TITTER
0:24:47 > 0:24:48Hmmm.
0:24:48 > 0:24:52It wasn't all bad being a king or prince's whipping boy.
0:24:52 > 0:24:55You stood to be richly rewarded in later life
0:24:55 > 0:24:57for taking all the beatings.
0:24:57 > 0:25:00Sadly, Edward VI died when he was still just a teenager,
0:25:00 > 0:25:04so no rewards for his whipping boy, Barnaby Fitzpatrick.
0:25:04 > 0:25:08Or, to give him his full name, Barnaby Sore Bottom Fitzpatrick.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11And when Edward passed away, along came his half-sister,
0:25:11 > 0:25:13Mary I.
0:25:20 > 0:25:24# King Henry VIII, my father, hoped I'd have some Tudor brothers
0:25:24 > 0:25:28# Mum had no sons, so rather I got plenty of stepmothers
0:25:28 > 0:25:31# When at last Prince Ed was born The crown I bid adieu
0:25:31 > 0:25:35# They said as King he must be sworn Boys go first in the queue
0:25:35 > 0:25:39# But there's no need to worry if at first you don't succeed
0:25:39 > 0:25:44# When Ed died, I swept aside the rest, and was decreed
0:25:44 > 0:25:47# Mary I, that's me
0:25:47 > 0:25:51# Tudor lady and Queen of England
0:25:51 > 0:25:55# Not to be confused with Mary, Queen of Scots
0:25:55 > 0:26:00# Not the same, see, though weirdly
0:26:00 > 0:26:04# She's a cousin to me
0:26:04 > 0:26:07# Some tried to say Lady Jane Grey should be Queen after Ed
0:26:07 > 0:26:11# But England wanted me, hooray! So poor Jane lost her head
0:26:11 > 0:26:15# The Protestants were saying that my ruling made them sick
0:26:15 > 0:26:18# Cos when it came to praying my tastes were Catholic
0:26:18 > 0:26:21# They revolted, challenged me, fuelled my great desire
0:26:21 > 0:26:26# To tie 300 to a stake, light touch paper, then retire
0:26:26 > 0:26:30# Mary I, that's me
0:26:30 > 0:26:34# Called the Bloody Queen of England
0:26:34 > 0:26:38# Not what I intended Tried to be good, you see
0:26:38 > 0:26:42# But history only remembers
0:26:42 > 0:26:45# I was a catastrophe
0:26:47 > 0:26:51# Married Philip, King of Spain, who then left me
0:26:51 > 0:26:52# England thought he was a pain
0:26:52 > 0:26:57# Especially cos he told me to attack France with troops
0:26:57 > 0:27:01# And when the French advanced we lost Calais - oops!
0:27:01 > 0:27:03# Throughout my reign It rained and rained
0:27:03 > 0:27:04# It poured upon the poor
0:27:04 > 0:27:06# The harvest failed No food remained
0:27:06 > 0:27:08# And flu killed many more
0:27:08 > 0:27:11# Burned protestants and wed a fool Led armies to defeat
0:27:11 > 0:27:15# Burned more Prots, I'd say my rule was short but not that sweet
0:27:15 > 0:27:18# I had no kids, named half-sis Liz as big Queen Bess to be
0:27:18 > 0:27:23# So long as she would rule the land as a Catholic Queen like me
0:27:23 > 0:27:30# Lizzie didn't listen She made the country Protestant
0:27:30 > 0:27:35# Meaning my legacy was ruined, see?
0:27:35 > 0:27:38# Everything I tried to achieve
0:27:38 > 0:27:43# Went down the swanee. #
0:27:43 > 0:27:45Bit embarrassing, really.
0:27:46 > 0:27:49# Tall tales, atrocious acts, we gave you all the fearsome facts... #
0:27:49 > 0:27:53If you enjoyed that, why not come and play?
0:27:53 > 0:27:58Go to the CBBC Website and click on Horrible Histories. See you there!
0:27:58 > 0:28:00# The past is no longer a mystery
0:28:00 > 0:28:04# Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories. #