0:00:02 > 0:00:04# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians
0:00:04 > 0:00:07# Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights
0:00:07 > 0:00:09# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians
0:00:09 > 0:00:13# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times
0:00:13 > 0:00:15# Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless
0:00:15 > 0:00:17# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages
0:00:17 > 0:00:22# Gory stories, we do that And your host, a talking rat
0:00:22 > 0:00:26# The past is no longer a mystery Welcome to...
0:00:27 > 0:00:29# Horrible Histories. #
0:00:37 > 0:00:40Ah, not a cloud in the sky.
0:00:40 > 0:00:41CAWING
0:00:41 > 0:00:43Blasted ravens!
0:00:43 > 0:00:47Ah, Flamsteed, my esteemed Royal Astronomer,
0:00:47 > 0:00:50what's in store for a Gemini? Any parties?
0:00:50 > 0:00:53That's astrology, Your Majesty, I do astronomy.
0:00:53 > 0:00:57I deal with scientific observation, not superstitious mumbo jumbo.
0:00:57 > 0:01:00Knew you were going to say that, typical Leo.
0:01:00 > 0:01:01It's a joke, I'm joking!
0:01:01 > 0:01:04We're now entering a new age of enlightenment.
0:01:04 > 0:01:09We must cast aside our beliefs in irrational things
0:01:09 > 0:01:11- and put our faith in science and reason.- Precisely.
0:01:11 > 0:01:14How are you getting on here at the top of the Tower of London?
0:01:14 > 0:01:17You certainly do get a bird's-eye view.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20That's not the only bird thing you get.
0:01:22 > 0:01:24Ooh, that's a big planet.
0:01:25 > 0:01:28My word! Your Majesty, I believe you've discovered
0:01:28 > 0:01:29a new constellation.
0:01:29 > 0:01:30Skills!
0:01:30 > 0:01:32I can quite clearly see a big white splodge
0:01:32 > 0:01:35surrounded by a host of tiny little splodges.
0:01:35 > 0:01:38Why, it's the Milky Way!
0:01:38 > 0:01:42Oh no, it's not, a raven's pooed on the end of my telescope.
0:01:44 > 0:01:45Your Majesty,
0:01:45 > 0:01:47I cannot work under these circumstances.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49Either the ravens go or I go.
0:01:49 > 0:01:52Are you stark raven mad?
0:01:54 > 0:01:55It's a joke, I'm joking!
0:01:55 > 0:01:58Everyone knows that if the ravens ever leave the Tower,
0:01:58 > 0:02:01the entire kingdom itself will fall.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04In fact, just to make sure that never happens,
0:02:04 > 0:02:07I'm going to order that from now on at least six ravens be
0:02:07 > 0:02:10kept at the Tower at the expense of the British government,
0:02:10 > 0:02:12forever.
0:02:12 > 0:02:13But Your Majesty, my observatory!
0:02:13 > 0:02:16Relax, I'll build you a new one in Greenwich.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18Oh, Your Majesty, thank you!
0:02:18 > 0:02:22You are truly dedicated to science and the pursuit of knowledge.
0:02:22 > 0:02:27Big time. And it's a great excuse for a massive opening party. Huh!
0:02:27 > 0:02:29Ooh, that's good luck, you know.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32- Is it?- Yes. Yes, it is.
0:02:34 > 0:02:38Yes, the Stuart era really was a time of scientific advancement,
0:02:38 > 0:02:42so you might be surprised what some doctors thought was good for you.
0:02:44 > 0:02:48Hello, friend, I'm Doctor Nicholas Culpeper, author of
0:02:48 > 0:02:50Doctor Culpeper's Complete Herbal book.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52Feeling under the weather?
0:02:52 > 0:02:55Good. Then why not come to my wonderful Stuart health spa.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58# Come to Doctor Culpeper's Health Spa. #
0:02:58 > 0:03:01This man is suffering from a cough. What he needs...
0:03:01 > 0:03:02COUGHING
0:03:02 > 0:03:04What he needs.... COUGHING
0:03:04 > 0:03:06I'm trying to do a thing here. What he needs
0:03:06 > 0:03:08is a healthy Stuart herbal cure.
0:03:08 > 0:03:12Tobacco. Take this and your cough will be gone in no time.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14- Are you sure? - Sure I'm sure.
0:03:14 > 0:03:15I'm a doctor.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17# For treatment that is truly bizarre
0:03:17 > 0:03:19# Come to Doctor Culpeper's Health Spa. #
0:03:19 > 0:03:21HE COUGHS
0:03:21 > 0:03:23In the treatment rooms of my health spa,
0:03:23 > 0:03:26we're equipped to deal with any number of medical problems,
0:03:26 > 0:03:28from chronic indigestion, to stomach worms,
0:03:28 > 0:03:30to a splitting headache.
0:03:30 > 0:03:31Whatever the ailment,
0:03:31 > 0:03:34an intensive course of smoking tobacco will do the trick.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36How's the headache now, Dear?
0:03:36 > 0:03:37I feel sick.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40And dizzy.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43And the headache has gone. It's working already.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46# Leave here with your lungs full of tar
0:03:46 > 0:03:48# Come to Doctor Culpeper's Health Spa. #
0:03:48 > 0:03:52Nonsense! Tobacco is good for you. Look how healthy everyone looks.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54Urgh!
0:03:54 > 0:03:56# Come to Doctor Culpeper's Health Spa. #
0:03:56 > 0:03:58We could open a window.
0:04:03 > 0:04:08Five eager chefs, five historical eras, but just one prize.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11Who will be crowned Historical MasterChef?
0:04:11 > 0:04:14I have literally no idea what I'm talking about.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17I enjoy eating beef.
0:04:18 > 0:04:22Roland of Rochester is a Crusader from the Middle Ages,
0:04:22 > 0:04:24recently returned from fighting in the Middle East.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27So, Roland, what are you going to cook for us today, mate?
0:04:27 > 0:04:30The great Roland of Rochester doesn't cook,
0:04:30 > 0:04:33he's far too busy slaughtering Saracens.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35I have this old hag to do my cooking for me.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38- I could have walked, you know. - Old Hag?
0:04:38 > 0:04:39Doesn't she have a name?
0:04:39 > 0:04:43Oh yes, Old Hag III. I've had a couple die on me.
0:04:43 > 0:04:47Roland, we normally insist that all contestants do their own cooking.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50Although, in your instance, we will make an exception.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52Everybody, start cooking.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54Times up!
0:04:54 > 0:04:55Hold on, mate, just...
0:04:57 > 0:05:02Roland, or rather his assistant, has almost completed the starter.
0:05:03 > 0:05:06- What have you cooked for us, mate? - It's grains of wheat,
0:05:06 > 0:05:08that I found, and animal droppings.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13We were a little unprepared for such a long Crusade.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15Normally, we'd steal food from the locals,
0:05:15 > 0:05:17but they'd run out, due to a bad harvest.
0:05:17 > 0:05:21So we had to rely on supply ships, they sank, catastrophe!
0:05:21 > 0:05:25So we had to make do with what we could get, even if it's already been
0:05:25 > 0:05:26all the way through an animal.
0:05:26 > 0:05:30I think I just saw one grain moving there.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32- No, that's a nit.- Ooh.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34Finders keepers.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36With his starter containing poo and nits, the judges
0:05:36 > 0:05:40are worried about the nutritional value of Roland's diet.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42Roland, your diet can't be good for you, mate.
0:05:42 > 0:05:46You're not kidding. Dysentery's a real problem on crusades.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48HE BREAKS WIND
0:05:48 > 0:05:49Oh, out the way!
0:05:51 > 0:05:53This one's got holes in it.
0:05:55 > 0:05:57OK, everyone, you have five minutes.
0:05:57 > 0:05:58SQUELCHY FARTS
0:05:58 > 0:05:59Aah, aah!
0:05:59 > 0:06:02Better make that ten minutes.
0:06:02 > 0:06:03SQUELCH!
0:06:08 > 0:06:10I see you like your spices, then.
0:06:10 > 0:06:14Oh yes, in the Middle East we found all sorts of exotic spices
0:06:14 > 0:06:16we'd never heard of before.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18Want to try some of this?
0:06:18 > 0:06:20It's called pepper.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22Ha ha, you're all right, mate.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25It helps takes away the taste of the meat, as well.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27OK, everybody, time's up.
0:06:28 > 0:06:32Now, before I eat this, please tell me it's not horse meat.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34No. No, it's not horse meat.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37Although we do sometimes have to eat our own horse.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39- It's human.- Argh!
0:06:39 > 0:06:41It's sliced enemy backside.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43Mm, hot pot.
0:06:43 > 0:06:44Where do we find 'em, John?
0:06:44 > 0:06:47Grains of wheat
0:06:47 > 0:06:49in animal poo, slices of human backside.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51SQUELCH!
0:06:51 > 0:06:52Ooh, where's the pan?
0:06:52 > 0:06:55I don't think I'm going to make it, boys.
0:06:55 > 0:06:58Normally, I'd say you're through over my dead body, but,
0:06:58 > 0:07:01since you might slice the bottom off my dead body and eat it,
0:07:01 > 0:07:04we are saying you're through to the next round.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06- Or rather Roland is.- Ah, argh!
0:07:06 > 0:07:07Congratulations.
0:07:07 > 0:07:08SQUELCH
0:07:08 > 0:07:10Argh!
0:07:10 > 0:07:13That's 100% accur-rat.
0:07:13 > 0:07:17If things went wrong on Crusade, enemy backside was on the menu. Ha!
0:07:17 > 0:07:20I think that's what you call a bum deal!
0:07:21 > 0:07:25But Crusaders who managed to make it home did bring back
0:07:25 > 0:07:26some wonderful gifts.
0:07:27 > 0:07:30They're back! They're back from the Crusades.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33Wicked! Will Dad have got me presents?
0:07:33 > 0:07:36Duncan, your father did not go all that way just to bring you presents.
0:07:36 > 0:07:40He went there to reclaim the Holy Land, and bring me back presents.
0:07:40 > 0:07:43Argh, I'm home. At last.
0:07:43 > 0:07:44- Where are my presents?- Oh.
0:07:44 > 0:07:48Can't you see what a hard time he's had? He's covered in Saracen blood.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50What this? Oh no, it's fruit juice.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52Fruit juice?
0:07:52 > 0:07:55It's so hot over there that the locals run up the mountainside,
0:07:55 > 0:07:57grab a handful of snow and mix it
0:07:57 > 0:08:00with some fruit juices to create a sort of slushy thing.
0:08:00 > 0:08:01Wicked!
0:08:01 > 0:08:03Look, I've brought you back a couple. Ah.
0:08:03 > 0:08:07Strawberry Shocker for you, and a Citrus Frenzy for you.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09I think they're really going to catch on.
0:08:09 > 0:08:11Once we work out how to keep them cold.
0:08:11 > 0:08:15Is that it? Karen's husband brought her a gold necklace last time.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17I can do much better than that.
0:08:17 > 0:08:19We got our very first spice rack.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22These Eastern spices are really going to transform
0:08:22 > 0:08:23our dull medieval cuisine.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25So you don't like my cooking now?
0:08:25 > 0:08:29No. It's been a long day. I just want to have a nice, long hot bath.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31- A bath? - We were all doing that over there.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33- You should try it one day. - So I smell now, as well?
0:08:33 > 0:08:35A little bit. No, I'm not saying that.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37You'd better have something good in there.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40Well, I do, look. Perfume.
0:08:40 > 0:08:41Here, get a whiff of that.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43Oh, roses!
0:08:43 > 0:08:46- I walked all the way from Palestine. - It's not gold, is it?
0:08:46 > 0:08:48What are you complaining for?
0:08:48 > 0:08:50I bought loads of good stuff back from the Crusades.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53Spices, perfume, sugar, silk,
0:08:53 > 0:08:56lemons, oranges, apricots,
0:08:56 > 0:08:59melons, rhubarb.
0:08:59 > 0:09:03Dates, coffee, rice, mirrors, carpets, cotton, paper,
0:09:03 > 0:09:08wheelbarrows, mattresses, shawls and chess sets.
0:09:08 > 0:09:09Check mate.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12Apart from spices, perfume, sugar, silk,
0:09:12 > 0:09:14lemons, oranges, apricots, melon,
0:09:14 > 0:09:17rhubarb, dates, coffee, rice, mirrors, carpets,
0:09:17 > 0:09:21cotton, paper, wheelbarrows, mattresses, shawls and chess sets,
0:09:21 > 0:09:24what exactly have I ever got out of the Crusades?
0:09:25 > 0:09:28These fruit slushy things.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30Haven't you got another Crusade to go on?
0:09:39 > 0:09:43Hello, and welcome to the news, in Tudor Criminal Slang.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46A Highgate cove is today facing three trees with a ladder,
0:09:46 > 0:09:49following the drawer of a high ranking beak.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51A Highgate man faces the gallows,
0:09:51 > 0:09:54after picking the pocket of a senior magistrate.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57The callous foist waited for the beak to couch a hog's head
0:09:57 > 0:09:59in his favoured boozing ken before prigging his bun.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02The pickpocket waited for the magistrate to fall asleep
0:10:02 > 0:10:05in his local pub, before stealing his purse.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08In other news, a Dulwich doxy became a prancer prigger.
0:10:08 > 0:10:12A female tramp from Dulwich became a horse thief, I think.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15The walking mort used the nag to lift peck from a peck barrow.
0:10:15 > 0:10:18The, uh, I think that's a tramp,
0:10:18 > 0:10:21used the horse to steal some stuff from something.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24This spike claimed she would use the peck as a snap with palliards.
0:10:24 > 0:10:27The nab cove says the doxy will meet the chats.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29Sorry, no idea, clueless on that one.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31More on that as we get it.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33But, now, it's over to our Tudor soothsayer, Carl,
0:10:33 > 0:10:36with the headlines in groundless superstition.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39Ah, we're doomed. Doomed!
0:10:41 > 0:10:43Thanks, Carl. And now this.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48I'd like you to spell the word "believable".
0:10:48 > 0:10:54B-A-L-E-E-P-H-A-P-L-E, believable.
0:10:57 > 0:10:58Yeah, that'll do. Why not?
0:10:58 > 0:11:01Next word, then. "Travelling".
0:11:01 > 0:11:05T-R-A-B-H-E-L-L-I-N.
0:11:05 > 0:11:06Travelling.
0:11:09 > 0:11:12Yeah, whatever. That's fine, I guess.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15- BELL RINGS - And your time's up.
0:11:15 > 0:11:16Thank you, Miss Godwin.
0:11:18 > 0:11:19Well, the good news is that
0:11:19 > 0:11:22since there's no formalised way of spelling in Tudor times,
0:11:22 > 0:11:25you can't really spell any word incorrectly,
0:11:25 > 0:11:28which means you all win.
0:11:28 > 0:11:32The really good news is that we have a very special guest here to
0:11:32 > 0:11:35present you all with your joint first prize.
0:11:35 > 0:11:38Please welcome Tudor England's most celebrated playwright,
0:11:38 > 0:11:40Mister William Shakespeare.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42APPLAUSE
0:11:44 > 0:11:46That is how you spell it, isn't it?
0:11:46 > 0:11:48Yeah, whatever. As you like it.
0:11:50 > 0:11:54There really was no correct way of spelling most words in Tudor times.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57In fact, Shakespeare himself is known to have spelt his own name
0:11:57 > 0:12:03at least six different ways, and that's a F-A-K-T-E, fact!
0:12:03 > 0:12:05And so, ladies and gentlemen, for one night only,
0:12:05 > 0:12:09would you please welcome to the stage Mister William Shakespeare.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19# My name is Shakespeare William
0:12:19 > 0:12:21# I owned a feather quill
0:12:21 > 0:12:22# I am
0:12:22 > 0:12:27# The writer most familiar to you
0:12:29 > 0:12:31# My way with words amazes me
0:12:33 > 0:12:36# Came up with so many phrases, me
0:12:36 > 0:12:42# That still the number dazes me too
0:12:42 > 0:12:46# Oh, you've got to be cruel to be kind
0:12:46 > 0:12:47# If truth were known
0:12:47 > 0:12:50# Love is blind
0:12:50 > 0:12:52# Yeah each of these quotes you will find
0:12:52 > 0:12:54# It's what I do
0:12:55 > 0:12:57# Seen better days
0:12:57 > 0:12:59# That's one of his.
0:12:59 > 0:13:00# Or salad days
0:13:00 > 0:13:02# He is the biz!
0:13:02 > 0:13:04# All the world's a stage
0:13:04 > 0:13:10# They call me Billy Whizz
0:13:10 > 0:13:12# May seem kinda scary
0:13:12 > 0:13:13# I'm a walking diction-ary
0:13:13 > 0:13:16# Sturdy with the wordy Shakespeare
0:13:17 > 0:13:20# Quality of mercy is not strained
0:13:20 > 0:13:24# Such stuff as dreams are made
0:13:24 > 0:13:26# Off with his head
0:13:26 > 0:13:29# My phrases you'll note
0:13:31 > 0:13:34# This is the short and long of it
0:13:34 > 0:13:38# Brevity is the soul of wit
0:13:38 > 0:13:39# As good luck would have it
0:13:39 > 0:13:44# You can quote
0:13:44 > 0:13:48# Oh, you suffered green-eyed jealousy'
0:13:48 > 0:13:51# Please do not stand on ceremony
0:13:51 > 0:13:53# I wrote the Queen's English
0:13:53 > 0:13:56# Queen's English I wrote
0:13:57 > 0:13:59# It's Greek to me
0:13:59 > 0:14:00# That's a Shakespeare line
0:14:00 > 0:14:02# Meat and drink to me
0:14:02 > 0:14:04# He was the first to combine
0:14:04 > 0:14:06# Infinite variety
0:14:06 > 0:14:11# Yeah, that was one of mine
0:14:12 > 0:14:14# Don't call my flaky
0:14:14 > 0:14:15# I'm William Shakey
0:14:15 > 0:14:18# Not lazy with the phrasy Shakespeare
0:14:19 > 0:14:21# I was the greatest
0:14:21 > 0:14:22# I was ace
0:14:22 > 0:14:24# To find a better writer
0:14:24 > 0:14:26# That's a wild good chase
0:14:26 > 0:14:27# I was truly brilliant
0:14:27 > 0:14:29# Which is why I sing
0:14:29 > 0:14:33# You can't have too much of a good thing
0:14:34 > 0:14:37If music be the food of love, play on
0:14:37 > 0:14:40# Et tu Brute
0:14:40 > 0:14:42# Did you ever know?
0:14:42 > 0:14:44# Forever and a day
0:14:44 > 0:14:45# From a Shakespeare show
0:14:45 > 0:14:47# Good riddance, fair play
0:14:47 > 0:14:52# Pure as the driven snow
0:14:53 > 0:14:55# High time, lie low
0:14:55 > 0:14:57# Wherefore art thou Romeo
0:14:57 > 0:14:59# The nation's favourite bard Shakespeare
0:15:00 > 0:15:02# Doobee Doobe Doobee
0:15:02 > 0:15:03To be or not to be
0:15:03 > 0:15:07# Shoobeedoobeedobee Shakespeare. #
0:15:07 > 0:15:08APPLAUSE
0:15:16 > 0:15:19And the prize for the most unpopular king in the Middle Ages goes
0:15:19 > 0:15:22to duh duda duh duda dah!
0:15:22 > 0:15:23King John!
0:15:23 > 0:15:26And he wasn't very popular before he became King, either.
0:15:34 > 0:15:37Just check my e-mails, see if anyone likes me.
0:15:38 > 0:15:42Nothing! It's unbelievable, I'm the King's brother.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44You'd think they'd just ask me to attend like a, uh,
0:15:44 > 0:15:46I dunno, a charity banquet or something.
0:15:46 > 0:15:47It's not fair!
0:15:47 > 0:15:50It's not as if my brother's even here most of the time,
0:15:50 > 0:15:53he's too busy with his Crusades.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55Oh, it's Mum, what does she want?
0:15:55 > 0:15:57Hi, Mum!
0:15:57 > 0:15:59'John, my petit courgette.'
0:15:59 > 0:16:01I have terrible news.
0:16:01 > 0:16:04Richard is dead!
0:16:04 > 0:16:05Splendid!
0:16:05 > 0:16:06What?
0:16:06 > 0:16:10I mean, oh, no, that is awful news. I am...
0:16:10 > 0:16:14Do you know what, I can't even pretend, it's brilliant news!
0:16:14 > 0:16:18Now I get a proper chance to be king. Laters, Mama.
0:16:19 > 0:16:20Yeah, look at that.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22Right, first things first,
0:16:22 > 0:16:25let's just change my username on my Twaddler account.
0:16:25 > 0:16:27There you go.
0:16:29 > 0:16:32I might check my at replies while I'm here.
0:16:32 > 0:16:37Seems to be a lot of ill feeling about my Irish Prince's joke.
0:16:37 > 0:16:41"What's thicker and smells worse than an Irish Prince's beard?
0:16:41 > 0:16:42"An Irish Prince."
0:16:42 > 0:16:44Dunno what they're complaining about.
0:16:44 > 0:16:48Oh, what's this? "Duke Arthur", oh, that's no good.
0:16:48 > 0:16:52Can't have a pretender to my throne. I shall block him.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55Do you know what, thinking about it, maybe I need
0:16:55 > 0:16:57something a bit stronger. Let's do this, shall we?
0:16:57 > 0:16:59There.
0:17:01 > 0:17:03Oh no, I'm losing followers.
0:17:03 > 0:17:04The French don't seem happy with me.
0:17:04 > 0:17:08I suppose people do get touchy when you assassinate their allies.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10Better ease off the Twaddler for a bit.
0:17:10 > 0:17:11What else do kings do?
0:17:11 > 0:17:15I know, I'll appoint a new Archbishop.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17Let's have a look here.
0:17:18 > 0:17:22There you go, that's how I rule, with strong knee-jerk decisions.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24All right!
0:17:24 > 0:17:25Ooh.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27Message from the Pope.
0:17:27 > 0:17:31Oh no, that is a lot of capital letters, he is not a happy man.
0:17:31 > 0:17:34Either that, or he doesn't understand e-mail etiquette.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39Bishop Jocelin. How you doing, My Lady?
0:17:39 > 0:17:41Looking ravishing as ever.
0:17:41 > 0:17:45Your Royal Highness, I keep telling you, I'm a man!
0:17:45 > 0:17:48Oh, sorry, it's the name. I keep getting confused.
0:17:48 > 0:17:52So, uh, what was it you wanted, darling? I mean, mate.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54The Welsh are rebelling against you
0:17:54 > 0:17:56and they have the support of the Pope.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58Any idea why that might be?
0:17:58 > 0:18:00Uh, no, sorry. Gotta go!
0:18:00 > 0:18:03Busy man. Agh!
0:18:03 > 0:18:07First the Irish, then the French, now the Pope and the Welsh.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10Let's see what they're saying on Twaddler.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12Oh, that's just mean! That's it,
0:18:12 > 0:18:15I'm going to give them something to complain about.
0:18:15 > 0:18:19I am raising their taxes.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22Could do with a bit of cash for the army, all these rebellions
0:18:22 > 0:18:23and everything.
0:18:26 > 0:18:27Oh, it's The Barons.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32Gentlemen, what do you think of my premiership so far then, eh?
0:18:32 > 0:18:34Rubbish.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36Come on, gents, it's not been boring,
0:18:36 > 0:18:39- at least give me that. - 'We've drawn up a document,'
0:18:39 > 0:18:40the Magna Carta,
0:18:40 > 0:18:43we strongly advise you to sign it.
0:18:43 > 0:18:44But...
0:18:44 > 0:18:45Jocelin's e-mailing it to you now.
0:18:45 > 0:18:46Her too?
0:18:46 > 0:18:50Him too! I'm sorry but you've left us with no choice.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53There, sent.
0:18:53 > 0:18:55Whatever, if it keeps you happy.
0:18:57 > 0:18:59Terms and conditions,
0:18:59 > 0:19:01no-one reads those, do they?
0:19:01 > 0:19:03Guys, what is this thing any way?
0:19:03 > 0:19:05'It limits your powers as King,'
0:19:05 > 0:19:07means we run the show now.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09Cancel, cancel!
0:19:09 > 0:19:11'And I'm awfully sorry
0:19:11 > 0:19:15'but we've sent Prince Louis of France a Macebook invite,'
0:19:15 > 0:19:16to invade!
0:19:16 > 0:19:18An invasion?
0:19:18 > 0:19:21Now what would a truly great king do in this situation?
0:19:23 > 0:19:26East Anglia looks nice this time of year.
0:19:26 > 0:19:27I'm going to make a run for it.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33King John did go to East Anglia,
0:19:33 > 0:19:36where he famously lost the Crown Jewels in The Wash.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38Mm? No, no, no, not along with one of his socks!
0:19:38 > 0:19:42The Wash is a large bay on the coast of East Anglia. Yeah.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45The Crown Jewels were being carried on a horse drawn wagon,
0:19:45 > 0:19:48which was too slow for the incoming tide, yeah.
0:19:48 > 0:19:51John certainly was the King of Idiots.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17I've got this loose tooth that needs to come out,
0:20:17 > 0:20:20but I've always been so nervous when it comes to dentists.
0:20:20 > 0:20:24Well, Mister Mori is exceptionally well respected.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26He's even been consulted by a king.
0:20:26 > 0:20:30Oh, a king, that's impressive. Which king?
0:20:30 > 0:20:34Oh, um, upper or lower Nile, one of the pharaohs.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36- What, you mean as in?- Ancient Egypt.
0:20:36 > 0:20:40I mean, dentists were extremely high status back then.
0:20:40 > 0:20:44Ah, Mister Gum, I hope you know how lucky you are.
0:20:44 > 0:20:47Where I come from, most people don't have access to dentistry,
0:20:47 > 0:20:51they just have to wait for the rotten teeth to fall out themselves.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54- Ah. Argh!- Mm, uh, can I have some opium please, Mandy.
0:20:54 > 0:20:58I find it really takes the edge off an even severe pain.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00I'm afraid I had a bit of a problem with that.
0:21:00 > 0:21:03I did try to order some, but the police said they'd throw me
0:21:03 > 0:21:07into prison if I did, it's very, very illegal nowadays.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10- Just a dead mouse, then, please, Mandy.- Dead what?
0:21:10 > 0:21:13Don't worry, Mister Gum, freshly caught today.
0:21:13 > 0:21:14Oh, he's gone.
0:21:14 > 0:21:15SQUEAKING
0:21:15 > 0:21:18There he is! I'm going to get ya!
0:21:18 > 0:21:19SQUEAKING
0:21:20 > 0:21:24- You're not seriously putting that in my mouth, are you?- Yes.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26Applying a dead mouse to the affected tooth
0:21:26 > 0:21:28is the ancient Egyptian painkiller.
0:21:28 > 0:21:31- It must be something to do with the worms.- What worms?
0:21:31 > 0:21:32SQUEAKING
0:21:32 > 0:21:33Uh, mouth worms.
0:21:33 > 0:21:37We Egyptians believe that it's mouth worms that cause dental decay.
0:21:37 > 0:21:38Anyway, say rah!
0:21:38 > 0:21:40Rah!
0:21:40 > 0:21:42Oh dear, dear, dear, have you been brushing regularly?
0:21:42 > 0:21:44Absolutely.
0:21:44 > 0:21:48Using a mix of eggshell and crushed ox's hooves?
0:21:49 > 0:21:50Absolutely not.
0:21:50 > 0:21:51Oh, honestly.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54I don't know why we bother some days, Mandy.
0:21:54 > 0:21:57- I know, shocking, isn't it? - Oh, oh, oh!
0:21:57 > 0:22:00There's no way I'm going to put a dead mouse in my mouth!
0:22:00 > 0:22:02- Don't you have anything else? - I suppose I could put
0:22:02 > 0:22:04some of my anaesthetic paste on it.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07- That sounds much better. - Dental paste, please, Mandy.
0:22:10 > 0:22:11Da da!
0:22:11 > 0:22:14Thank you. Popping it in.
0:22:14 > 0:22:15Mm.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17Oh, what's it made out of?
0:22:17 > 0:22:19Just incense and onions.
0:22:19 > 0:22:22Ugh! My tooth.
0:22:22 > 0:22:23Oh!
0:22:23 > 0:22:25I caught it.
0:22:25 > 0:22:26Well done, Mandy.
0:22:26 > 0:22:29Well done me.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32Yes, having good teeth was very important to
0:22:32 > 0:22:35rich Ancient Egyptians and so was looking good.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40'Is he, or isn't he?'
0:22:40 > 0:22:44He can't be wearing Egyptian 2000, his hair looks so natural.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46But he must be wearing Egyptian 2000,
0:22:46 > 0:22:48he doesn't have a speck of grey.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51- Why don't you ask him?- You ask him.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53No, I'm not asking him. You ask him.
0:22:53 > 0:22:54You ask him.
0:22:54 > 0:22:59'From now on, all you need to get rid of those grey hairs is
0:22:59 > 0:23:03'Egyptian 2000, with its revolutionary new ingredient,
0:23:03 > 0:23:04'putrid donkey liver.'
0:23:04 > 0:23:07Excuse me, we, we were just wondering if...
0:23:07 > 0:23:09Ugh, he's definitely wearing it!
0:23:09 > 0:23:14Urgh, I can smell that putrid donkey liver from here!
0:23:14 > 0:23:16'Egyptian 2000 BC.
0:23:16 > 0:23:18'Chase that grey away,
0:23:18 > 0:23:21'along with everything else with a sense of smell.'
0:23:21 > 0:23:24'Warning, putrid donkey liver, like, proper stinks.'
0:23:29 > 0:23:32In super polite Victorian society,
0:23:32 > 0:23:34some words should simply not be mentioned.
0:23:34 > 0:23:35Good day.
0:23:36 > 0:23:40Mm, nothing like a fire to warm the old excuse me.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42Ah, Cecily.
0:23:42 > 0:23:46Father, Edward is here and he has something he wishes to ask you.
0:23:46 > 0:23:50At last! Go ahead, sir, fire away.
0:23:50 > 0:23:53Well, as you've probably guessed by now,
0:23:53 > 0:23:57I have grown to admire your daughter deeply and she has led me
0:23:57 > 0:24:00to believe that my admiration may not be entirely unwelcome.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02Oh, for goodness sake, out with it.
0:24:02 > 0:24:05You've waited long enough, just say what you have to say.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07Yes, sir.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10Uh, what I, what I mean to say is I would very much like to
0:24:10 > 0:24:12ask for your, your, your bottom!
0:24:12 > 0:24:14My what, sir?
0:24:14 > 0:24:15Edward, please.
0:24:15 > 0:24:18We do not use that word in this house.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20Yes, sir, I do apologise,
0:24:20 > 0:24:23it's just that the part of your body located at the top of your legs
0:24:23 > 0:24:25My what, sir?
0:24:25 > 0:24:28This is a proper Victorian household,
0:24:28 > 0:24:31we dare not even say our tables have that word.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33Indeed, then let us say that,
0:24:33 > 0:24:36that which your ankles are at the bottom of...
0:24:36 > 0:24:37Oh, my word, he said it again!
0:24:37 > 0:24:40Is there no end to this stream of filth?
0:24:40 > 0:24:43Look, that which resides within your trousers...
0:24:43 > 0:24:45My what, sir?
0:24:45 > 0:24:50We call them the southern necessity and I feel it is only fair to
0:24:50 > 0:24:52tell you I'm getting rather hot under the collar.
0:24:52 > 0:24:56And I am most surprised you are not getting hot elsewhere.
0:24:56 > 0:24:57Edward, really!
0:24:57 > 0:24:59My word, you have a cheek.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01So do you, sir, and it is on fire!
0:25:03 > 0:25:06Oh, my trousers are burning! My legs are on fire!
0:25:06 > 0:25:08My bottom!
0:25:08 > 0:25:10Father, such language!
0:25:10 > 0:25:13Honestly, potty mouth.
0:25:13 > 0:25:14- Edward!- Sorry, darling.
0:25:16 > 0:25:17It's true!
0:25:17 > 0:25:22Some well-to-do Victorians thought words like "leg" and "bottom",
0:25:22 > 0:25:24"trousers" and "ankle", were rude
0:25:24 > 0:25:27and shouldn't be said in polite society.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29We rats also take a dim view of certain words.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31I'll tell you one, if you promise not to repeat it.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33Soap.
0:25:33 > 0:25:37So, anyway, that was rich Victorian society,
0:25:37 > 0:25:39here's how the other half lived.
0:25:39 > 0:25:42As you can see, it's a, uh, very popular area.
0:25:42 > 0:25:43SQUELCH!
0:25:44 > 0:25:46In a colourful part of town.
0:25:46 > 0:25:47Is that a dead dog?
0:25:47 > 0:25:49Oh, I think it's just sleeping, babe. Shall we?
0:25:49 > 0:25:53Here we are. Number thu thu thu...
0:25:53 > 0:25:55- Uh, where's the... - Yeah, it's a bit stiff.
0:25:55 > 0:25:56But there's...
0:25:56 > 0:25:58"Creak". After you.
0:25:59 > 0:26:02Oh. Ugh!
0:26:02 > 0:26:05As you can see, it has all the charm and convenience
0:26:05 > 0:26:07of a modern Victorian home slash slum.
0:26:07 > 0:26:09It's a minimal look.
0:26:09 > 0:26:12No bed, no curtains, no furniture to clutter up the place.
0:26:12 > 0:26:15No need to worry on dustbin day, just chuck
0:26:15 > 0:26:18your litter out onto the street and let your children play on it.
0:26:18 > 0:26:19Any questions?
0:26:19 > 0:26:21Where's the front door?
0:26:21 > 0:26:23The front door has been conveniently
0:26:23 > 0:26:26situated in this attractive, original Victorian fireplace.
0:26:26 > 0:26:27It's on the fire?
0:26:27 > 0:26:30Perfect for the harsh winters we've been having.
0:26:30 > 0:26:32No wonder it's cold, there ain't no glass in the windows.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35But think of the amount of money we'll save on
0:26:35 > 0:26:36window cleaners, babe.
0:26:36 > 0:26:41And most of our tenants have been upgrading their homes by, um,
0:26:41 > 0:26:43selling the glass to pay for food.
0:26:43 > 0:26:46When will the current tenants be moving out?
0:26:46 > 0:26:51Moving out? Oh no, sir, no, these are exclusive to the property.
0:26:51 > 0:26:54- You all right, John?- Yeah. - They're going to live here as well?
0:26:54 > 0:26:57- That's why it's such good value. - Yeah, it is good value.
0:26:57 > 0:27:00We provide you with your very own slum mates, yeah,
0:27:00 > 0:27:02so you'll never be alone again, no.
0:27:02 > 0:27:06Not with uh, one, two, uh, ten people in one room.
0:27:06 > 0:27:09- There's barely room to swing a cat! - But we don't have a cat, babe.
0:27:09 > 0:27:12Which is a shame, because this accommodation provides
0:27:12 > 0:27:13unlimited cat food.
0:27:13 > 0:27:14Argh! Rats.
0:27:14 > 0:27:16Yeah, cats love rats.
0:27:16 > 0:27:19- Ooh, and there's raw sewage. - And it's en suite.
0:27:19 > 0:27:23I'm sorry, I can't live here. You must have some better accommodation.
0:27:23 > 0:27:26We do have something that's just become available.
0:27:26 > 0:27:30A whole house all to yourself, your own front door, glass in the window.
0:27:30 > 0:27:33- Oh, that's sounds wonderful. - When can we move in?
0:27:33 > 0:27:34Once they clear the bodies.
0:27:34 > 0:27:38You see, there's been a tiny cholera epidemic.
0:27:38 > 0:27:40We'll take this one. Yeah. Lovely!
0:27:40 > 0:27:42No need to exchange keys. I'll be on my way. Good luck.
0:27:42 > 0:27:45- Hope it doesn't collapse on you. - What was that?
0:27:45 > 0:27:48Um, nothing actually. Bye!
0:27:48 > 0:27:49CREAKING
0:27:54 > 0:27:55# Tall tales, atrocious acts
0:27:55 > 0:27:57# We gave you all the fearsome facts... #
0:27:57 > 0:28:01If you enjoyed that, why not play the new ADBC time tour music game?
0:28:01 > 0:28:06Go to the CBBC Website and click on Horrible Histories.
0:28:06 > 0:28:07Rock on!
0:28:07 > 0:28:11# Hope you enjoyed.... Horrible Histories. #
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